text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
|---|---|
Lions sleep 18 hrs a day.. If hard work is the secret to success , then donkeys would have been the kings of jungle! | 575,994 |
Time for a joke. "Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"
"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"
"But I don't have a..." | 575,995 |
A nice couple was sitting on the porch of their vacation home on a river in Canada... A nice couple was sitting on the porch of their vacation home on a river in Canada. The woman raises her gaze from the book she was reading and stated to her partner, "Did you hear that a family of beavers moved into a nice place just up stream." The man looks up from the publication he was reading, smirks and stares disillusioned into the distance and said, "Well I'll be damned." | 575,996 |
Joke look into the mirror | 575,997 |
Q. Why did the baker's hands smell? A. Because he kneaded a poo. | 575,998 |
What do gay crows eat? Cawk! | 575,999 |
What did Ernie say when he was offered ice cream? Sherbet | 576,000 |
What did the mexican student say when he was asked to turn in his essay? I ain't no snitch. | 576,002 |
A BLONDE'S BRAIN Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant. | 576,003 |
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? The pizza doesn't scream to get out of the oven | 576,004 |
Shoutout to toilet paper... ...for always being there for me while I'm having a shitty day. | 576,005 |
You can take a whore to culture... ...but you can't make her think. | 576,006 |
The Jew vaporizer German scientist showing the Fuhrer his new Jew vaporizer - as each concentration camp inmate steps into it, he or she is immediately vaporized with no annoying residue.
After thirty-odd inmates, Hitler is very impressed but asks the scientist why every fifth inmate was Italian.
And the scientist explains that the machine is a machine like any other machine, so you've got to grease it regularly. | 576,008 |
Why did the condom leave so quickly? Because it got pissed off. | 576,009 |
Dyslexic A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I'll get my coat. | 576,010 |
Man visits doctor A man visits his doctor for his monthly check, before leaving the doctor asks the man about his sex life, the man replies that it has never been better, he's had sex four times that week! The doctor reminds him that protection is important, of course the man says, he used a fake name and gave them a fake address! | 576,011 |
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. | 576,012 |
How does someone stop ISIS? Change their name to past tense, WASWAS. | 576,014 |
Sisters thinking of joining isis are infatuated with i products. | 576,015 |
How do you find Will Smith in a snowy forest? You look for his fresh prints.
(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) | 576,016 |
At some point out there... There's a teenage girl that's taking pictures of the Grand Canyon with the camera in Portrait mode. | 576,017 |
Three tourists, an American, an Indian and a Brit are caught by a cannibal tribe on a remote island. They all plead the chief to let them free. The chief agrees on one condition. Each of the tourist is to bring ten numbers of any fruit they can find on the island. The tourists, thinking that just bringing the fruits will let them free, set off to bring the fruit which each of them likes the most.
The American returns first, with ten apples. The chief orders him to shove all the apples up his rear end without any word from his mouth. If he successfully does so, he is free to go. The American, worriedly starts shoving apples up his ass. He goes till the ninth apple, and begins to cry as he can't take it further. The chief orders his tribe to kill him.
The Indian returns with ten grapes. The chief explains the stipulation to him, and the Indian with a happy feeling starts showing up the grapes up his ass. As soon as he finishes the sixth grape, the chief orders his tribe to kill him.
Now the American is surprised to see the Indian in heaven. He asks him how he failed. The Indian says, "It was going well for me. But as soon as I finished shoving the sixth grape, I burst out laughing when I saw the Brit coming with ten watermelons." | 576,018 |
Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
| 576,019 |
A woman was kidnapped by a gang of three people. They took her to their hideout and tied her up. Each one in order proceeded to rape her. When the first dude finished his job, the woman was surprisingly laughing! They found this strange. The second dude went forward and after he was done, she burst out lauging even more. Strange again. The third dude got pissed and decided to rape her harder this time. Even after his turn, she kept laughing. The gang was confused because they had never come across anyone like her before. So out of curiousity, they ask her why she has been laughing the whole time even though she was tortured. She simply replied, "I have aids!" | 576,020 |
"I'm a brontosaurus. I'm a distinct genus from apatosauruses. The taxonomy thing isn't really real, you know. And don't forget, I'm also just a sauropod, standing in front of a paleontologist, asking him to love her." In reference to http://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/31qjs5/brontosaurus_is_officially_a_dinosaur_again_new/ | 576,021 |
DRUNK ICE FISHING IN ALASKA A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink." | 576,022 |
I want to tell you all a black joke Nah, I am going to leave you hanging | 576,023 |
PMS jokes are not funny. Period. | 576,024 |
A king is worried about the inequality in his kingdom. He worries that the rich citizens wear too much jewelry showing off their wealth and are making the poorer people feel inferior. To combat this, he passes a law saying that "No woman is allowed to go outside wearing jewelry." At first, the law seemed to work, but after a while, it was generally disregarded, and women continued to wear jewelry. He then asks his wisest advisor for help in editing the law. The advisor responds, "Your Majesty, simply change the law to 'No woman is allowed to go outside wearing jewelry unless she is a prostitute.'" | 576,025 |
Why do towels get dirty? If we use towels just to dry ourselves after washing off dirt and what not. Why do they get dirty?? | 576,026 |
An old Simpson's joke. A man walks into a bar, and sits down on a barstool, placing a small brown bag on the counter next to him. He signals to the bartender and then proceeds to down 3 shots of scotch.
The bartender, being no fool asks, “Hey man what’s wrong?”
Without replying the man slowly reaches over and grabs the brown bag. Opening it, he pulls out a tiny piano. To the bartender’s surprise he reaches back in and pulls out a tiny man, who couldn’t be standing more than a foot tall, dressed in a full tuxedo. The tiny man walks up to the piano, pulls out the piano bench and carefully sits down. He then continues to play some of the most beautiful soothing music the bartender has ever heard.
“Where on earth did you get this little man?!”
“Oh I have a genie.”
The bartender can barely contain his excitement, “You do? Can I see it?”
“Of course, of course,” says the man pulling out an ornately decorated lamp.
The bartender takes the lamp and rubs it and out pops a genie.
“You have summoned me. What is your one wish sir?”
“I want a million bucks!” The bartender shouts.
Immediately the room begins to fill up with ducks. Feathers are flying everywhere, the other patrons begin screaming and running for the doors.
As the ducks continue to appear out of thin air, the bartender looks frantically at the man with the brown bag who has a sly smile on his face.
“WHAT HAPPENED!? I DIDN’T ASK FOR THESE DUCKS!!”
“Well do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
| 576,027 |
Pussy is like visa It's accepted almost everywhere | 576,028 |
What do you get when you cross... What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway. | 576,029 |
A porkchop walks into a bar The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here." | 576,030 |
George bush was attending a morning press conference... Donald rumsfeld read the daily briefings aloud
"This morning, 3 Brazilian soilders were killed"
"OH MY GOD THATS TERRIBLE" Screamed the president
The room went silent, everyone was stunned by the presidents emotional outburst.
A moment passed when George asked in a quiet Texas tone "how many is three brazillion?" | 576,031 |
I walked into a dairy bar... I walked into a dairy bar that was owned and tended by a cow.
I know this seems strange, but let me explain. Yes, the cow was an anthropomorphic cow. Yes, it had the dexterity to serve drinks and manage tabs. And yes, all of the milk in the drinks came from the cow itself.
Anyway, I asked the cow for some milk, and he served me a suspension of dislibeef. | 576,032 |
Why did Hitler suicide? He got the gas bill | 576,033 |
A girl saw a guy full of tattoos. "Nike" was written on his arms, "Reebok" was written on his legs, "Puma" was written on his chest. She was shocked when she saw "Aids" written on his dick.
He said, "Relax. When it enlarges, it becomes Adidas." | 576,034 |
I remember my friend telling me this joke once he got back from Laos, don't know if it's been told here before.
A woman gives birth but doesn't get to see the baby straight away. Don't ask me why, it's just the way the joke is.
So once she feels better, like any mother, she's eager to go see her baby.
She notifies the doctor.
'Doctor! I'd like to see my baby!'
okay ma'am, come this way.
He's signals for her to follow
They approach the first room, a perfectly healthy baby.
'Doctor, is this my baby, she excitedly asks'
The Doctor replies, no this is not your baby, your baby is worse than this.
Oh, she says.
They approach the next room, this baby has no legs.
'Doctor... is this my baby?'
no, no.. this is not your baby, your baby is worse than this.
She's a bit like wtf? But okay...
They get to the next room.
This baby has no arms and no legs, just a torso with a head
'Doctor! Is this my baby?!'
ah, no this is not your baby, your baby is worse than this.
Baffled, the woman continues to the next room.
They approach the room and the lady looks in, this baby is just the head.
'DOCTOR! Is this MY baby?!!'
No. no I'm afraid your baby is worse than this.
Unable to believe what she hears, they continue to the next room.
This time, they peer into the room, and it's just a ear, a baby ear.
Mentally exhausted at this point, the lady says.
'doctor... is this my baby?'
The doctor replies.
'Yes, and as if luck would have it, the fucker is deaf too.'
| 576,035 |
Libraries have a service where you can look at research documents for a fee... They call it paper-view. | 576,036 |
Q. Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? A. The Ultrasound Guy
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sound&defid=491809 | 576,037 |
Miracle - something that only happens when I am not around I have that feeling that miracle is something that never happens around me or with me... does it happens with you???? | 576,038 |
The other hole. My buddy asked me the other day if whenever my wife and I were getting freaky if I ever tried having sex with her other "hole".
I replied "Hell No!",.......... She might get pregnant. | 576,039 |
No one does that. Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch. | 576,040 |
I love wearing my "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt... I have no friends. | 576,041 |
What kind of dinosaur writes poetry? A Bronte-saurus. | 576,042 |
How do astronauts stay warm? With a space heater! | 576,043 |
Disney were going to make a movie of the OJ trial. It was called "The Lyin' Coon" | 576,044 |
One day I'll make a cure for blindness. You'll see, you'll ALL see! | 576,045 |
Sometimes I wake up moody... The other times, i let her sleep. | 576,046 |
Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own? It was two tired. | 576,047 |
What is a racists favorite Disney film? 101 Damn'Asians. | 576,048 |
A man dies in an accident He never drank, nor smoked. He never had sex and never indulged in anything unhealthy.
The Life Insurance Company refused the claim on the note that 'How can someone have died if he had never lived in the first place?' | 576,049 |
Do you know how to plant tulips? Yes, then how about planting tu-lips on this | 576,050 |
BOVINE HIJINX Q; What do cows do for fun?
A: They go to the moo-vies! | 576,052 |
Bear Walks in a Bar Bear walks in a bar. Bartender ask "what can I get you sir?" Bear replies "I'll have aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa whiskey." Bartender says "why the long pause?" Bear says "These? I was born with them." | 576,053 |
Stalin & the sneezer Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.
"Who sneezed?" he asks.
Deathly silence.
"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"
Not a peep.
"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"
A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody heaps on the ground.
"Now, who sneezed?" Still not a whimper. "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" The second row writhes and breathes its last.
"Now, comrades: who sneezed?" Absolute silence. "Third row! Stand up! Guards! Op...."
"Wait! Wait!" From the sixth row a man rises, shaking so hard with fear that he can barely stay on his legs. "Please! Comrade Stalin! It was me. I sneezed."
Stalin fixes his eye on the wretch. The entire audience watches, paralysed.
"You sneezed?"
"Yes, Comrade Stalin, yes. It was me."
"Bless you, comrade!"
| 576,054 |
Shot my first turkey yesterday... Shot my first turkey yesterday.
Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section. | 576,055 |
My friend asked me why I still buy vinyl. I told him 'Records are always a sound purchase.' | 576,056 |
How to get lots of women to ask you out! Go in the women's bathroom | 576,057 |
A scientist wanted to develop a bra... A scientist wanted to develop a bra that stops women's boobs from bouncing while running & doesn't show nipples when wet.
Don't panic, we killed the son of a bitch. | 576,058 |
There are marriages that end well... ...and others that last forever. | 576,059 |
How many millenials does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. They hold it in place while the world revolves around them. | 576,060 |
What did the FLAC say? I'm an audiophile | 576,061 |
Oh !Thanx God A man was making love to a village girl whe she realized he was not using a condom.
She asked him, "U 're not using a condom"?
Man answered, "Yes".
She said, "Hope u don't have HIV / AIDS .
Man, "NO".
Girl: "Thanx God, i don't want to get that thing again" ! | 576,062 |
My gf knocked me clean out last night... My gf knocked me clean out last night and I couldn't believe it.
What kind of sick bitch soaks their used underwear in chloroform? | 576,063 |
I like my penises like I like my pizzas large with extra cheese | 576,064 |
40% of Americans over 60 believe... ... that they were at Woodstock. | 576,065 |
What is dementia? I forget | 576,066 |
How many dank memes does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter, just use the jet fuel instead. | 576,067 |
Have you ever had ethiopian food? Neither have they | 576,068 |
Why did the Mexicans go back to Mexico? Because getting sick from drinking the water there is better than getting sick from eating at Taco Bell. | 576,069 |
Asian students The teacher asked the class 'Who said "Give me liberty or give me death!"?'
Little Aiko raised her hand. "Yes" prompted the teacher.
"Patrick Henry said that".
"Very good, Aiko! Who said "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise."?
Little Aiko replies "Benjamin Franklin!"
The teacher beams, and says "You could all learn from the study habits of the Japanese children!"
Somebody in the back yells "Fuck the Japanese!"
Furious, the teacher demands "Who said that?"
Little Aiko replies "Lee Iacocca!" | 576,070 |
So I caught my dog chewing on a tree yesterday. He said the bark was really rough. | 576,071 |
What has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. | 576,072 |
Why do tumblr users make for poor gunmen? They are afraid of triggers. | 576,073 |
A priest is on a mission among the African jungle when faced with a hell trigre. The priest then kneel and ask God to give the tiger Christian sentiments. In the next second, the tiger sits down and says, "God, thank you and bless this meal that I just got." | 576,074 |
How do chinese people name their childre n? They throw a toaster down the stairs.
*I realize this is old but I don't know how many people have heard it, so just spreading the joke* | 576,075 |
My wife depleted the power on my phone when I needed it the most. Yet I'm the one who is charged of battery...
| 576,076 |
Did you hear the joke about the guy who shined a light at his shadow? It starts off dark, but the ending is bright. | 576,077 |
Mouse and elephant are on their way to the pool. *Told* *by* *my* *adorable* *niece.*
Elephant: Bollox! I forgot my swim trunks!
Mouse: Don’t worry, I brought a spare. | 576,078 |
The Kardashians opened a theme park called Kardashian Land It was very popular even though there was nothing there. | 576,079 |
How do you increase a pirates morale? mor ale | 576,080 |
My sister didn't believe me when I said I could drive spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta. | 576,081 |
Three of five fingers were willing to cooperate but the thumb and forefinger were opposed! | 576,082 |
In spanish... it only takes one to tengo. | 576,083 |
My girlfriend is like my bank account Only there for the money | 576,084 |
I've been trying to find my girlfriend's killer for the last month. Nobody's agreeing to do it. | 576,085 |
Society: Be yourself ........ Society: No not like that | 576,086 |
Why is 6 afraid of 9? (NSFW) Because it's a virgin | 576,087 |
You can't even? That's odd. | 576,088 |
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to *want* to be screwed in. | 576,089 |
Moses held out his staff and parted the Red Sea, which means... Jesus could be his son and Mary wasn't really a virgin. | 576,090 |
chapter 7 verse 7 GUYs i saw a catholic sister last
night and decided
to
give her a lift in my car. As the car
was
moving, then i placed my hand on
the
sister's laps pretending i was
looking for
the gear lever.
The sister cast a glance at me and
said;
Mtcheew
"matthew
chapter 7 verse 7" and i quickly
removed my hand. After short
time,i placed my
hand again on the sister's lap and
the sister said
to
me again
"matthew 7 verse 7" i nervously
removed my hand.
The sister reached her
destination and got
off the car, cast another glance at
me
and said "So u don't read your
Bible!" And when i
got home, i opened my
Bible to Matthew 7verse7 and it
says "ASK
AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN TO YOU".
...
I fainted... | 576,091 |
What does a Necrophiliac get at funerals? Mourning Wood | 576,092 |
What did the Mexican sing to his cheating girlfriend? ♪ I know I'm not the only Juan ♪ | 576,093 |
Did you hear about them computer geeks, who were also miners by trade, who sang a cover of that Motörhead song? They called it The Acer Spades. | 576,094 |
Coach Krzyzewski thinks he's playing wheel of fortune... "I'd like to buy a foul" | 576,095 |
One of my terrorist friends decided to bomb our only good coffee machine in all of Yemen... Pissed as hell, he said he hates french press | 576,096 |
My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for my birthday. I don't think they understood when I said "I wanna watch." | 576,097 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.