text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
|---|---|
A piece of toast and an egg walk in to a bar.... The bartender goes, "Hey! Woah! Nuh uh. We don't service breakfast here!" | 576,099 |
GIVE THIS MAID A BELLS... A maid wanted a salary raise. Madam
wanted 3 reasons why she wanted a raise.
Maid: I can cook Better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me.
Madam: OK, second reason?
Maid: I can iron better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me.
Madam: OK, and ... | 576,100 |
What makes an octopus laugh? ten-tickles | 576,102 |
How many Star Trek captains does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but there are FOUR LIGHTS! | 576,103 |
Intruding habit Girl: I'm upset with you.
Boy: Why?
Girl: Because you think I'm always intruding your privacy. And, I never give you enough space. And, I am too curious. I don't think I ever did anything like that, did I?
Boy pauses for a moment before speaking: Honey! Where is it coming from? Why would you think so? D... | 576,104 |
Growing up, I was so poor... Growing up, I was so poor people would break into our house to put shit in there. | 576,105 |
Yes Yes Yes !!! Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. | 576,107 |
A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap... Doctor: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts." | 576,108 |
Did you hear about the fat absent father? He was never around, but at least he was portly. | 576,109 |
A rabbit and A bear A rabbit and a bear are taking a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit : ''you don't mind shit on your fur do you'', The rabbit replies : ''i really don't care'' , so the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him | 576,110 |
Dolphins thats just a kids TAIL (get it)
| 576,111 |
what is the funniest number? 69, cuz its also the name of a sex move. | 576,112 |
What's a nice thing about having a black boyfriend? If you decide to try anal, and you get shit on his dick, no one will notice. | 576,113 |
Only 40% of men ever reproduced... Did you know that pre-agricultural revolution, 80% of women reproduced but only 40% of men did?
This is thought to be because men would often engage in higher risk behaviors such as defending their territory and hunting down mammoths.
Hunting down mammoths was particularly dangerous... | 576,114 |
What did the Hungarian man say before he went to bed? "I'm going to bed." Except he said it in Hungarian. | 576,115 |
Got a handjob from a blind girl last night She said "You're dicks the biggest one I've ever put my hands on."
I said "Nahh, you're just pullin' my leg."
Edit: spell check | 576,116 |
A policeman knocked on my door this morning... A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would ... | 576,117 |
What's the last thing you want to hear from a surgeon dissecting someone? Oops | 576,118 |
A man is throwing out a vacuum cleaner... Another man, walking by, asks, "Is that thing no good?"
"Well," says the first man, "it doesn't suck." | 576,119 |
Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard. | 576,120 |
Zweireiher Mantel Trenchcoat Hee Grand Damen Fruehling Herbst elegant Zweireiher Mantel Trenchcoat | 576,121 |
Where is the best place to screw a Mt. Goat? The edge of a cliff, you are guaranteed she will push back! | 576,122 |
How do you cite sources on reddit? MLA'dy. | 576,123 |
What is an out of date joke you still remember? One from the 90's:
What do you call a little burro?
A Burrito.
What do you call a little taco?
A Taquito
What do you call a little judge?
A Judge Ito
| 576,124 |
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? You poke her face.
I'll see myself out. | 576,125 |
so, what is the difference between a condo and a condom? no difference, you get fucked with either of them | 576,126 |
Answer: "On Wisconsin" Question: "Where will Duke be spending much of tonight dunking?" | 576,127 |
Did you know you can use a condom twice? Just turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it | 576,128 |
Calculus Class So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be hi... | 576,129 |
What does a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall? Dam! | 576,130 |
Hey, have you heard of that new movie, "Constipation"? Yeah...it hasn't come out yet. | 576,131 |
A group of highly skilled doctors meet at an international medical conference to boast of their greatest achievements The Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, our medicine is so advanced that we are able to chop off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in only 6 weeks he is up and looking for work!"
The German d... | 576,132 |
Fozzie Bear became a rapper His rap name is Waka Waka Flame. | 576,133 |
If you're Russian when you're going to the bathroom, and Finnish when you get out, what are you while you're in the bathroom? European! | 576,134 |
What happened to the man who had a Disney character lodged up his rectum? He had the Mickey taken out of him | 576,135 |
A toilet and the sink were talking The toilet says "hey bro, I once got pissed in by the Queen of England." The sink said, "yeah? Albert Einstein once washed his hands in me." The toilet replied, "well, once Lebron James took a shit in me." "You're full of crap," said the sink. | 576,136 |
Best love poem Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm bad at poetry, date me | 576,137 |
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? DO IT YOURSELF YOU FILTHY MAN! | 576,139 |
Anti Sleep Treatment One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to ... | 576,140 |
Pair of Twins I've been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me "How do you tell the difference?".
I told him "It's easy! Julie has long blonde hair..."
"..and Derek has a moustache" | 576,141 |
A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he... | 576,142 |
Frozen Joke Q: Why can't Elsa hold a balloon?
A: Because she might 🎶🎶🎶Let it Go🎶🎶🎶 | 576,143 |
What did the fish say to the man draining its aquarium? WATER YOU DOING | 576,144 |
WWII era Soviet joke In the middle of Stalin's war council Marshall Zhukov storms out of the room, muttering "The moustached tyrant went utterly batshit" to himself. Head of NKVD Lavrentiy Beria hears him and immediately repeats what he heard to Stalin.
Stalin calls Zhukov back and asks who did he mean.
"Hitler, of ... | 576,145 |
What do you get when you cross a whistle with a blizzard? Edward Snowed-in | 576,146 |
Why did the goose cross the road? Because he's an asshole. | 576,147 |
The Heretic I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I sa... | 576,148 |
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect. | 576,149 |
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Small pox. | 576,150 |
An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging..... in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago.
The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago.
The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds n... | 576,151 |
Which Asians have the softest skin? Laotians | 576,152 |
Did you hear about that man who used somebody else's legs? He could never stand up on his own two feet. | 576,153 |
Baby mosquito with his father It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.
When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"
The baby mosquito replied, "It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!" | 576,154 |
Do you want some? So this occurred at my great grandma's visitation a couple years ago. Some of my cousins and I were sitting in the pews of the church because we had nothing better to do. My cousin next to me was on his phone texting someone and my uncle came up to my cousin. The conversation went like this:
Uncle: H... | 576,155 |
A patella throws a party Because he's fun-knee | 576,156 |
A blind man walks in to a bar... ...and a chair...and a table... | 576,158 |
What is the dumbest animal? An ignoraMOOSE | 576,159 |
Did you hear the Phillies aren't selling beer this year? Because they lost the opener. | 576,160 |
My ex-girlfriend always used to tell me I only think with my penis. A small part of me thinks she might have been right.. | 576,161 |
"Yes! I've finally gone from an L to an XL!" Said the Roman | 576,162 |
Arthur and Friends The members of King Arthur's Round Table were always tired because they were on the knight shift.
But they did like to party. One day after a boisterous gathering, the purest knight of all kept asking everyone who was awake, "Did you see the gal I had?
When did King Arthurs men practice? Joust at... | 576,163 |
What did they name the hot sauce lubricant? They called it Sricrotcha... | 576,164 |
The bathroom is the best room in the world... People expect shit-all of you there | 576,165 |
Guy Walks Into a Bar a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wish... | 576,166 |
Horse walks into a bar. . . . . bartender says "why the long face?" | 576,167 |
A termite walks into a bar... And asks, "Is the bar tender here?" | 576,168 |
You know why yoga is so unpopular for men? Well women don't mind muff diving but dudes don't like to suck their own dicks. | 576,169 |
My friend is agoraphobic... ..it pairs nicely with his obsessive nudism. | 576,170 |
The pub manager is showing the new busboy around the kitchen, when they come to two doors. The busboy asks, "Which one is the 'in' door?"
"Let me show you", says the manager, and 'e walks in. | 576,171 |
What did the black mother name her 5 daughters? What did the black mother name her 5 daughters?
Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone.
How did she tell them apart? She called them by their last names! | 576,172 |
Just had an interview with a girl with a lazy eye. So I just had an interview with a girl with a lazy eye....didn't know what eye to look at.....so I just stared at her tits. | 576,173 |
My 6' tall female friend complains that she can't ever find pants long enough to fit. Try Amazon.com | 576,174 |
How do you practice eating out a black woman? Steel wool and mayonnaise | 576,175 |
Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last as long for fat people. | 576,176 |
I don't know how to tell my friends . . . that rather than hang out with them, I would prefer to be at home, alone, daydreaming about having better friends I would actually want to hang out with. | 576,177 |
I was named Chief Speaker at the Society of Introverts. Thank God no-one showed up. | 576,178 |
How does Alfred call batman for dinner? Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner batman! | 576,179 |
I love mange tout... ...but I couldn't eat a whole one. | 576,180 |
The Devil A man walks into church and walks to the front pew. As he sits down the earth begins to temble. Soon the walls are shaking, screaming ensues as people rush to flee the church. The man calmly sits there. Soon there is a Huge flash of lightning which hits the alter,clouds of smoke and flame billow as... | 576,181 |
What's brown and steaming and lies behind the barracks? Gomer's pile. | 576,182 |
How do you tell the difference between the front and back of a tree? Go to the toilet, because you would never shit in front of a tree. | 576,183 |
The other day my friend threw up grapes.... And wouldn't stop wine-ing about it | 576,184 |
What's the worst part of being a hooker? Every day is the week is a Moanday. | 576,185 |
Parrot's bitchin to his owner about how he never gets laid So the owner picks up the phone and calls a friend with a female parrot, asks how much the mating fee would be? Friend says fifty bucks and the owner says fine.
So the owner brings the parrot to the friend's house and puts him in a dark room with the female... | 576,186 |
What do Cats use to deter enemies from attacking? Mewcular Warheads | 576,187 |
Where is Waldo? How do you find a blind man at an orgy?
It's not hard. | 576,188 |
A duck walks into a corner store... and takes a quick look around. Duck walks up to the cashier and says "Ya got any grapes?" Cashier looks down at Duck and replies, "Nah, we ain't got any grapes." Duck nods his head and walked out the store. The next day, Duck waddles back in and proceeds to look around. Unsatisfied, ... | 576,189 |
Kanye tryin to get a parrot to talk, says to him: Polly want a cracker?
Parrot look at Kanye, say
Nigger want a watermelon?
| 576,190 |
Big bad wolf says to LittleRedRidingHood: Ho-ho-ho - I'm going to eat you all up! LittleRedRidingHood says: "Eat, eat, eat. Doesn't anyone wanna fuck anymore?" | 576,191 |
Mongolian VD [Inspired by the post in TIFU:](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/31lt1a/tifu_by_visiting_a_massage_parlor_in_china_nsfw/)
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States... | 576,192 |
The actor who plays Wolverine once owned a sea cow, but it was murdered... ...it was a crime against Hugh's manatee. | 576,193 |
(Lady Penelope) - Take off my dress! (Parker) - Yes ma-lady... (Lady Penelope) - Take of my underwear. (Parker) - Yes ma-lady (Lady Penelope) - Parker if I catch you wearing my clothes again there will be trouble! | 576,195 |
The Giants new Quarterback The coach of the Giants got wind of a potential new young recruit who lived in Iraq.
The team owner and the Giants general manager catch a plane to war-torn Baghdad and track the young boy down. They risk life and limb dodging bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince h... | 576,196 |
Two African Doctors Two African doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.
The first doctor says “I am telling you it is whooom, w-h-o-o-o-m.”
The second doctor contradicts “And I am telling you, you are wrong it is definitely wooomh, w-o-o-o-m-h.”
A young nurse passing overhears, and being new on the job and kee... | 576,197 |
First prize in the synagogue lottery Rabbi announces 3rd prize in the synagogue lottery goes to Mr. Schwartz - an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii. Applause all around for Mr. Schwartz.
Rabbi announces 2nd prize goes to Mr. Litvak - a chocolate cake.
Well, Litvak goes nuts - says WTF - for 3rd prize Schwartz goes... | 576,198 |
DROWNING LAWYER Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water. | 576,199 |
Why God never got a PhD 1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His co... | 576,200 |
If you were a girl and your last name was Pelled your name would always be Miss. Pelled | 576,201 |
I'd tell you the joke about the paper But it's tearable. | 576,202 |
Why these two fingers? For my cake day, I present /r/jokes with a favorite of mine, told to me by my uncle during a cousin's wedding. I make no claims as to its origin, nor to the relative awesomeness of my family:
Uncle: "Hey, got a joke for ya. *(holds out first and middle fingers)* Why should a woman always mas... | 576,203 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.