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Life just isn't fair sometimes. Woman can sell it but men can't even give it away. | 576,204 |
Did you here about the new zoo? They put a fence around Iowa. | 576,205 |
Vermont farmer and his wife Vermont farmer and his wife going to market.
Horse stumbles, farmer says "That's one".
Horse stops, stands stock-still, farmer says "That's two".
Horse stumbles again, farmer says "That's three", shoots the horse.
Wife bitches - horses are expensive.
Farmer says "That's one". | 576,206 |
What does The White House and my underwear have in common? They both contain very large black dicks that can't wait to fuck you. | 576,207 |
OK - who knows their Soupy Sales lines? I'll give you the set-ups, you give us the lines. | 576,208 |
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Utah? Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. | 576,209 |
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself, Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes. | 576,210 |
There are 10 types of people in this world... 1. Those who understand ternary.
2. Those who don't.
10 . Those who expected the binary gag. | 576,211 |
The 'g' in 'contains 100% angus beef'... is the different between a great steak, and a hot dog. | 576,212 |
Crazy Ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog. | 576,213 |
Two men went ice fishing And walked out into the middle of the large sheet of ice and started drilling their hole.
From out of nowhere, a loud, booming voice proclaimed "There are no fish in there!"
The two guys stopped, looked at each other, picked up their equipment, moved to a different spot and started drilling again.
The voice returned, "There are no fish in there!"
The two guys started to get a little shaken but picked up everything, moved to yet another spot and started drilling.
Again, the voice proclaimed "**THERE ARE NO FISH IN THERE!**"
Really shaken, the two guys stop everything, look at each other and one asks, "Is....is...is it you god?"
"NO!", the voice replied, "The manager of the ice skating rink!" | 576,214 |
I searched deep in the anals of history and found nothing but shit... Or "The annals of history are mostly full of shit..."
*maybe that can be an adage or something? | 576,215 |
What did the constipated mathematician do? He sat down and worked it out with a pencil. | 576,216 |
Damnit, just cut my thumb off with the tablesaw after I bent over to pick up what I thought was a thumb (ironically enough) off the ground You win thumb, you lose thumb. | 576,217 |
There are 10 types of people in this world. . . People who understand binary and people who don't. | 576,218 |
I am sure I chose the right song for Richard's funeral Lonely Island - Dick in a Box | 576,219 |
Two trees are growing in a forest. Deep in the forest are two trees growing together. A beech, and a birch.
One day, a small tree begins to grow between them. The birch says to the beech, "Do you think that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The beech says "I don't know if that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech."
Just then a woodpecker landed on the small sapling. The birch asked the woodpecker, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Is that tree you're on a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker pecked the sapling a few times then looked up at the birch and the beech. "This sapling is neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech. It is, however, the best piece of ash I've stuck my pecker into before."
Edit: Wow trees are not a thing. Two trees are. | 576,220 |
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after an accident. The doctor comes in and says that he has some good news and some bad news.
Start with the bad news. says the man.
Well, the bad news is that you have been in an accident and we had to amputate both your legs.
And the good news? asks the man.
The good news is that the guy in the bed next to you would like to buy your shoes. | 576,221 |
A man is running late to a very important business meeting. A man is running late to a very important business meeting. He pulls into the parking lot, and doesn't see any spots, so he looks up at the sky and says, "Dear God, if you make a parking spot appear, I will stop drinking, I will stop smoking, I will stop doing bad things. I will be a good person and go to church." All of a sudden, a parking spot appears right in front of the man. He pulls in, jumps out of his car, and as he's running to make the meeting, he looks up and says, "Nevermind, God, I found one." | 576,222 |
I cried last night harder than I've ever cried before. I really should invest in a nose hair trimmer instead of plucking them. | 576,223 |
Did you hear about that green and brown patterned toilet that exploded? It was a Camo-Khazi...
FYI Khazi is British slang for a toilet, so now you know! | 576,224 |
A guy asks a doctor how long he will live So the doctor, looking at his clipboard and taking notes, begins to ask him a series of questions.
Doc: Do you eat red meat?
Patient: No
Doc: Do you smoke cigarettes, cigars, or a pipe?
Patient: No
Doc: Do you use any illicit drugs?
Patient: No
Doc: Do you drink beer or hard liquor?
Patient: Nope
Doc: Do you have any hobbies or do any activities that are risky like bungee jumping or sky diving?
Patient: No, that stuff scares me.
Doc: Do you have multiple sexual partners?
Patient: Nope, currently single and not looking.
Doc: Do you drive a fast car like a Porsche or Corvette?
Patient: Nope, a Toyota Camry.
Doc: Okay
Patient: So doctor, how long will I live?
Doc: {Looking up from clipboard} Why does it fucking matter? Your life is boring! | 576,225 |
Two vicars are talking on the street "my bicycle was stolen from outside the church"
"have you thought about the police?
"I don't think the police would do a thing like that.. I'm joking, it was probably one of the churchgoers"
"I have an idea. In your next sermon, read out the ten commandments. when you get to, 'thou shalt not steal', have a quick look into the audience. Anyone with a red face is likely to be your thief."
A couple days later they bump into each other again.
The second asks, "did my plan work? Did you find the thief"
"actually it did, I was reading through the ten commandments and when I got to, 'thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I'd left it". | 576,226 |
My girlfriend told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. [NSFW] So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the nose | 576,227 |
A green berret is sitting in his living room one evening... And all three of his teenage daughters come up to him, and tell him that they'll be upstairs getting ready for their dates. The old man just smiles and nods as his eyes turn to the gun by the door.
Around eight 'o' clock the green berret hears a knock at the door, and gets up to see who it is. Behind the door, the man sees the boy on the other side all gussied up in a nice suit. The military man grills him for a moment before asking his name and his business at his home.
"Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're off to see a show. Is she ready to go?"
The man smirks as he calls his daughter down and sends the two on their way before making his way back to the couch.
Not a half hour later does the man hear another knock at the door before he gets up to investigate.
Opening the door, he sees an ecstatic young man in a fancy dress shirt and tie. Before the man can even get a word in, the boy grabs the man's hand and begins shaking vigorously.
"Hi, my name is Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. May I ask, is she ready?"
Again, the green berret thinks that it's cute, calls his second daughter down, and sends the pair on their way.
An hour passes as the man grows worried for his final daughter, until finally he hears a knock at the door. Opening it, he sees a scruffy miscreant in a filthy leather jacket.
"My name is Chuck..." | 576,228 |
Why do we use black pens on white paper? So hangman is more realistic. | 576,229 |
I use to know someone who was addicted to soap. He's clean now | 576,230 |
My life. Best joke I know! | 576,231 |
What is a police called on her period? red bull | 576,232 |
A Man to a lady sitting next to him in flight. Man: "Which perfume do you use ? It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife."
Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her." | 576,233 |
What type of fighting technique do amputees practice? Partial arts. | 576,234 |
Does Robbie Williams like decimals and percentages? No, he's loving angles instead. | 576,235 |
I asked my gay friend if he'd like to smoke a fag (cigar) with me He got all upset and said I was really homophonic | 576,236 |
Losing his virginity On friday afternoon 16 year old son comes downstairs and asks his father if he could stay out till midnight, his father asks him why? he tells him "I think this is the night it will happen dad". His father smiles at him and says "ok than you can stay out till midnight but no later".
His father hears him come home at 11 and wonders what has happened so he stops his son before he goes into his own room and asks him, "how did it go?" "I lost my virginity tonight" he responds. Satisfied with that answer his father goes back to bed and quickly falls asleep.
He wakes up to a carefull knock on his bedroom door an hour later, his son stands there. "Dad i have a question". "Yes my son what is it?" "How long after sex is your butt suposed to hurt?" | 576,237 |
My friend asked me if goldfish suffer from depression i said "Yes, but very briefly..." | 576,238 |
I made a commitment not to masturbate for the past four weeks... I made a commitment not to masturbate for the past four weeks... I didn't pull it off | 576,239 |
A muslim, a christian and an atheist walks into a bar As all of them are raised properly, and none of them had a socially challenging childhood, they have a pleasent evening. | 576,240 |
You know what grinds my gears? People who say they know how to drive stick because they "watched a tutorial on YouTube". | 576,241 |
The 12 inch pianist. One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person.
The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.
Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed
"I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" | 576,242 |
Math puns are boring Algebra puns are too linear, arithmetic puns are too basic, trigonometry puns are too graphic, calculus puns are all derivatives. Only the statistic puns are the occasional outlier. | 576,243 |
Canadian What to do when a Canadian throws a grenade for you? | 576,244 |
What is a dog lover's favorite cookie? Keebler | 576,245 |
A dentist goes to another dentist to fix a cavity. When his dentist started to explain the procedure, he stopped him and said, "Don't worry, I know the drill." | 576,246 |
Newlyweds On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The bride comes out of the bathroom, showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
He exclaims "My God you're so beautiful! Let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She reluctantly agrees and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks why.
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged!" | 576,247 |
A man goes to see a doctor (NSFW) about pains in his testicles. The doctor examines him, murmurs something, applies yodine to his right testicle, writes something on a piece of paper and says:
– Go to the room number 24 and pass this note to the doctor there.
The man enters the room 24, passes the note, the doctor examines him, applies brilliant green to the left testicle, writes something in the same note and asks him to go back to the first doctor.
The guy walks out to the corridor and, curious, opens the note. He reads:
– Christ is risen!
– He is risen indeed!
*(old Russian onefor those familiar with Russia's Easter traditions)* | 576,249 |
Orang Hilang Orang HilangDi bagian informasi sebuah Kebun Binatang:Ibu Jon: "Mbak, tolong diumumin dong, bapaknya anak2 terpisah dari keluarga"Petugas: "Tadi pisahnya dimana Bu? Nama bapaknya siapa?"Ibu Jon: "Di kandang monyet, mbak. Biar gampang ketemunya, saya tunggu di sana aja ya, namanya Pak Jon"sesaat kemudian petugas mengumumkan:"PANGGILAN UNTUK BAPAK JON, HARAP SEGERA KEMBALI KE KANDANG MONYET, DITUNGGU KELUARGANYA..."kita jumpa lagi dilain kesempatan......
sumber
www.crazyhumor.net | 576,250 |
Two guys join the FBI And for their last test their supervisor hands them both a guns, he tells them that there is a person behind a door strapped to a chair and blind folded. He tells them to go in the room and kill him the person that does passes the test and becomes an FBI agent. Little do the two guys know that the gun they were handed has blanks in it (Not actually a bullet only makes the sound of one being fired). The first guy goes in he points the gun at the man in the chair but can't pull the trigger, he walks out, hands the supervisor the gun and leaves. Now the second guy goes in the room, for a brief moment the supervisor hears nothing, as soon as the gun goes off he hears someone scream and then the room becomes silent again. The second guy walks out of the room, the supervisor asked what happened and the guy replies, " the gun your gave me had nothing but blanks so I killed him with the chair." | 576,251 |
What is purple and commutes? An Abelian grape! | 576,252 |
What was Nero's favorite kind of sandwich? A Plebeian J | 576,253 |
Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9 Because Microsoft 7 8 9 | 576,254 |
What is a British person's favorite cereal? Cheerios.
say it in a British accent | 576,255 |
A Jamaican man's wife dies in Jerusalem A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "ship her home" shocked, the undertaker asked, but sir why don't you bury her in holy land and save the money? To which the husband replied. A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.......I can't take that chance. | 576,256 |
The red man lives in the red house, the blue man lives in the blue house, then who lives in the white house? The black man | 576,257 |
Whats the opposite of under? Der. | 576,258 |
The Ultimate Spoiler You all die in the end. | 576,259 |
Little Red Riding Hood Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it the fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!" | 576,260 |
what did they call the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again? DJ Vu | 576,262 |
"I've got good news and bad news." "Give me the bad news first, doc." "You only have a few weeks to live." "Crap! Well, what's the good news?" "Did you see my new receptionist?"
"Yeah."
"The one with the big tits and the legs that don't quit?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm fucking her!" | 576,263 |
My penis is a lot like my toaster. It won't pop up if the crumpet is too fat
| 576,264 |
Bully For You Q: Why did the bully go to beauty school?
A: She wanted to tease hair | 576,265 |
Young guy goes in for his annual physical Doctor says: You have to stop masturbating
Young man: What?! Why??
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you! | 576,266 |
A doctor is sharing some bad news with a patient: Doctor: It's not looking good...you don't have a lot of time left..
Patient: Oh no, how much time Doc?
Doctor: 10
Patient: Ten Weeks? Ten Months?
Doctor: 9...8... | 576,267 |
Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed But after a while, it tends to grow on you. | 576,268 |
Son asks his father... Son: Dad, how do you feel about abortion?
Dad: Ask your brother.
Son: But I don't have a brother.
Dad: Exactly. | 576,269 |
Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox I find:
* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.
* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.
* 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.
* And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to meet me. | 576,270 |
My friend had a bad experience with ice once He told me he was traumiticed | 576,271 |
"No Homo" "No homo" cries the team at a dig site. The head archeologist sinks to his knees sobbing. He has dedicated his entire career to the pursuit of homo habilis, an important part of the hominid evolutionary line. All his work led up to this archeological dig site. But now his whole life has been for nothing there is no homo. . . . there is only Australopithecus. | 576,272 |
Waiter, waiter, what’s wrong with this fish? Waiter: Long time, no sea Sir. | 576,273 |
Doctor: You have two months to live. Patient: But doctor, I won't be able to pay your bill in that time! Doctor: Ok, you have three months to live. | 576,274 |
I'm going to spoil your life You die in the end | 576,275 |
Why didn't the chair have any humor? Because it wasn't a stand up comedian | 576,276 |
Walking on Water It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake....and falls
knee deep in water.
Moses says, "Well....maybe you need a head start or something, why not
go to the end of the dock and try."
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and
falls up to his waist.
Moses says, " Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the
lake and try there."
So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about
to step off and try again when...
Moses says, "Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state
of mind you were in the first time you did it."
So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he's all
psyched up, and steps out of the canoe.... ..and precedes to drown.
So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat.
Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn't see what's
going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat.
Suddenly, Moses says, "I got it! I know what's wrong! Did you have those
holes in your feet last time?!?!" | 576,277 |
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob? Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out. | 576,278 |
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick down a whore's throat. | 576,279 |
What did the pony say to the doctor when he had a sore throat? I'm a little hoarse. | 576,280 |
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner... Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!" | 576,281 |
Knew a dude who back flipped and cartwheeled while beating his wife. I guess he was a misogymnast. | 576,282 |
A robber walks into a bar and asks, "is the bar tender here?" | 576,283 |
My Girlfriend wanted me to give her anal. I said fuck that shit. | 576,284 |
BEAUTIFUL? A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!" | 576,285 |
I'd say I'm a down to earth guy... but that's mostly because of gravity... | 576,286 |
Why couldn't Edward Snowden go anywhere? Because he was snowed in. | 576,287 |
Did you hear about the college for dolphins? It was for educational porpoises only. | 576,288 |
Why did the cat join the Red Cross ? It wanted to be a first aid kit. | 576,289 |
My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite. | 576,290 |
My opinion about Mars and Earth Mars could have once owned earth with people living there and the people did not want to live controled by mars so tried to have independince so mars just killed all the people and destroying belongs | 576,291 |
Did you hear about the guy who wanted to join ISIS? He wanted to get head. | 576,292 |
what's red and smells like blue paint? red paint | 576,293 |
How many creationists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they still use torches. | 576,294 |
What's in a Paul Walker shot ? An Irish car bomb followed by a shot of Fireball | 576,295 |
Why did Hermione liked Ron instead of Potter Because Ron had a rather large wand. | 576,296 |
A proud German from Frankfurt was so pissed off when he traveled to England and people called him a Frankfurter ... ... he moved to Hamburg. | 576,297 |
A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns. Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool. | 576,298 |
Young woman... There was a young lady from Exeter,
So lovely the men all craned their necks at 'er.
But only one was so brave as to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er. | 576,299 |
The next Iphone I'm sure the next Iphone will be a big 6s. | 576,300 |
The Italian Inmate Three men were busted for robbing a bank: a German man, a French man, and an Italian man. They were all placed in the same cell and the police took them one by one asking them questions about their operations.
The German man was first. They cuffed his hands behind his back and took him to another room.
He came back and told the other two, "I didn't say a thing!"
The French man was next. They cuffed his hands behind his back and took him to another room.
He came back and told the other two, "I didn't say a thing!"
The Italian man was last. They cuffed his hands behind his back and took him to another room.
He came back and told the other two, "I didn't say a thing! I mean, how could I? My hands were tied!" | 576,301 |
What goes up and never comes down in college your debt | 576,302 |
An Irishman walks into a bar.... And then another Irishman walks into the bar.
And another one.
And another one.
And another one.
And another one.
And another one. | 576,303 |
A crying man walks slowly along the frontier. He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.
"What's the matter friend?"
The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find an unique piece of land to call our own, but all the land out here's so common. Anything unusual has already been claimed. Then on top of that, Harvey fell off a cliff this morning and died, and I think it was my fault."
"Hmm," the voice replied, "Harvey says it was just an accident and not to worry about it."
The man, amazed at the fact that the hole is communicating with his dead brother, feels his mood get better immediately.
"Why are you smiling?" the quivering voice asks.
The man thinks a minute then says, "I dunno. I came out here looking for a rare stake, but it turns out I'm pretty happy with one medium well." | 576,304 |
Two turtles collide in an intersection. When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..." | 576,305 |
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