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Life just isn't fair sometimes. Woman can sell it but men can't even give it away. | 576,204 |
Did you here about the new zoo? They put a fence around Iowa. | 576,205 |
Vermont farmer and his wife Vermont farmer and his wife going to market.
Horse stumbles, farmer says "That's one".
Horse stops, stands stock-still, farmer says "That's two".
Horse stumbles again, farmer says "That's three", shoots the horse.
Wife bitches - horses are expensive.
Farmer says "That's one". | 576,206 |
What does The White House and my underwear have in common? They both contain very large black dicks that can't wait to fuck you. | 576,207 |
OK - who knows their Soupy Sales lines? I'll give you the set-ups, you give us the lines. | 576,208 |
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Utah? Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. | 576,209 |
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself, Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes. | 576,210 |
There are 10 types of people in this world... 1. Those who understand ternary.
2. Those who don't.
10 . Those who expected the binary gag. | 576,211 |
The 'g' in 'contains 100% angus beef'... is the different between a great steak, and a hot dog. | 576,212 |
Crazy Ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog. | 576,213 |
Two men went ice fishing And walked out into the middle of the large sheet of ice and started drilling their hole.
From out of nowhere, a loud, booming voice proclaimed "There are no fish in there!"
The two guys stopped, looked at each other, picked up their equipment, moved to a different spot and started drilling... | 576,214 |
I searched deep in the anals of history and found nothing but shit... Or "The annals of history are mostly full of shit..."
*maybe that can be an adage or something? | 576,215 |
What did the constipated mathematician do? He sat down and worked it out with a pencil. | 576,216 |
Damnit, just cut my thumb off with the tablesaw after I bent over to pick up what I thought was a thumb (ironically enough) off the ground You win thumb, you lose thumb. | 576,217 |
There are 10 types of people in this world. . . People who understand binary and people who don't. | 576,218 |
I am sure I chose the right song for Richard's funeral Lonely Island - Dick in a Box | 576,219 |
Two trees are growing in a forest. Deep in the forest are two trees growing together. A beech, and a birch.
One day, a small tree begins to grow between them. The birch says to the beech, "Do you think that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The beech says "I don't know if that's a son of a birch or a son of a... | 576,220 |
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after an accident. The doctor comes in and says that he has some good news and some bad news.
Start with the bad news. says the man.
Well, the bad news is that you have been in an accident and we had to amputate both your legs.
And the good news? asks the man.
The good news is t... | 576,221 |
A man is running late to a very important business meeting. A man is running late to a very important business meeting. He pulls into the parking lot, and doesn't see any spots, so he looks up at the sky and says, "Dear God, if you make a parking spot appear, I will stop drinking, I will stop smoking, I will stop doing... | 576,222 |
I cried last night harder than I've ever cried before. I really should invest in a nose hair trimmer instead of plucking them. | 576,223 |
Did you hear about that green and brown patterned toilet that exploded? It was a Camo-Khazi...
FYI Khazi is British slang for a toilet, so now you know! | 576,224 |
A guy asks a doctor how long he will live So the doctor, looking at his clipboard and taking notes, begins to ask him a series of questions.
Doc: Do you eat red meat?
Patient: No
Doc: Do you smoke cigarettes, cigars, or a pipe?
Patient: No
Doc: Do you use any illicit drugs?
Patient: No
Doc: Do you drink beer or ... | 576,225 |
Two vicars are talking on the street "my bicycle was stolen from outside the church"
"have you thought about the police?
"I don't think the police would do a thing like that.. I'm joking, it was probably one of the churchgoers"
"I have an idea. In your next sermon, read out the ten commandments. when you get to, 'th... | 576,226 |
My girlfriend told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. [NSFW] So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the nose | 576,227 |
A green berret is sitting in his living room one evening... And all three of his teenage daughters come up to him, and tell him that they'll be upstairs getting ready for their dates. The old man just smiles and nods as his eyes turn to the gun by the door.
Around eight 'o' clock the green berret hears a knock at the... | 576,228 |
Why do we use black pens on white paper? So hangman is more realistic. | 576,229 |
I use to know someone who was addicted to soap. He's clean now | 576,230 |
My life. Best joke I know! | 576,231 |
What is a police called on her period? red bull | 576,232 |
A Man to a lady sitting next to him in flight. Man: "Which perfume do you use ? It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife."
Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her." | 576,233 |
What type of fighting technique do amputees practice? Partial arts. | 576,234 |
Does Robbie Williams like decimals and percentages? No, he's loving angles instead. | 576,235 |
I asked my gay friend if he'd like to smoke a fag (cigar) with me He got all upset and said I was really homophonic | 576,236 |
Losing his virginity On friday afternoon 16 year old son comes downstairs and asks his father if he could stay out till midnight, his father asks him why? he tells him "I think this is the night it will happen dad". His father smiles at him and says "ok than you can stay out till midnight but no later".
His father hea... | 576,237 |
My friend asked me if goldfish suffer from depression i said "Yes, but very briefly..." | 576,238 |
I made a commitment not to masturbate for the past four weeks... I made a commitment not to masturbate for the past four weeks... I didn't pull it off | 576,239 |
A muslim, a christian and an atheist walks into a bar As all of them are raised properly, and none of them had a socially challenging childhood, they have a pleasent evening. | 576,240 |
You know what grinds my gears? People who say they know how to drive stick because they "watched a tutorial on YouTube". | 576,241 |
The 12 inch pianist. One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person.
The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the cl... | 576,242 |
Math puns are boring Algebra puns are too linear, arithmetic puns are too basic, trigonometry puns are too graphic, calculus puns are all derivatives. Only the statistic puns are the occasional outlier. | 576,243 |
Canadian What to do when a Canadian throws a grenade for you? | 576,244 |
What is a dog lover's favorite cookie? Keebler | 576,245 |
A dentist goes to another dentist to fix a cavity. When his dentist started to explain the procedure, he stopped him and said, "Don't worry, I know the drill." | 576,246 |
Newlyweds On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The bride comes out of the bathroom, showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
He exclaims "My God you're s... | 576,247 |
A man goes to see a doctor (NSFW) about pains in his testicles. The doctor examines him, murmurs something, applies yodine to his right testicle, writes something on a piece of paper and says:
– Go to the room number 24 and pass this note to the doctor there.
The man enters the room 24, passes the note, the doctor ex... | 576,249 |
Orang Hilang Orang HilangDi bagian informasi sebuah Kebun Binatang:Ibu Jon: "Mbak, tolong diumumin dong, bapaknya anak2 terpisah dari keluarga"Petugas: "Tadi pisahnya dimana Bu? Nama bapaknya siapa?"Ibu Jon: "Di kandang monyet, mbak. Biar gampang ketemunya, saya tunggu di sana aja ya, namanya Pak Jon"sesaat kemudian pe... | 576,250 |
Two guys join the FBI And for their last test their supervisor hands them both a guns, he tells them that there is a person behind a door strapped to a chair and blind folded. He tells them to go in the room and kill him the person that does passes the test and becomes an FBI agent. Little do the two guys know that the... | 576,251 |
What is purple and commutes? An Abelian grape! | 576,252 |
What was Nero's favorite kind of sandwich? A Plebeian J | 576,253 |
Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9 Because Microsoft 7 8 9 | 576,254 |
What is a British person's favorite cereal? Cheerios.
say it in a British accent | 576,255 |
A Jamaican man's wife dies in Jerusalem A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "ship her home" shocked, the undertaker ask... | 576,256 |
The red man lives in the red house, the blue man lives in the blue house, then who lives in the white house? The black man | 576,257 |
Whats the opposite of under? Der. | 576,258 |
The Ultimate Spoiler You all die in the end. | 576,259 |
Little Red Riding Hood Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
... | 576,260 |
what did they call the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again? DJ Vu | 576,262 |
"I've got good news and bad news." "Give me the bad news first, doc." "You only have a few weeks to live." "Crap! Well, what's the good news?" "Did you see my new receptionist?"
"Yeah."
"The one with the big tits and the legs that don't quit?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm fucking her!" | 576,263 |
My penis is a lot like my toaster. It won't pop up if the crumpet is too fat
| 576,264 |
Bully For You Q: Why did the bully go to beauty school?
A: She wanted to tease hair | 576,265 |
Young guy goes in for his annual physical Doctor says: You have to stop masturbating
Young man: What?! Why??
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you! | 576,266 |
A doctor is sharing some bad news with a patient: Doctor: It's not looking good...you don't have a lot of time left..
Patient: Oh no, how much time Doc?
Doctor: 10
Patient: Ten Weeks? Ten Months?
Doctor: 9...8... | 576,267 |
Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed But after a while, it tends to grow on you. | 576,268 |
Son asks his father... Son: Dad, how do you feel about abortion?
Dad: Ask your brother.
Son: But I don't have a brother.
Dad: Exactly. | 576,269 |
Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox I find:
* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.
* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my ha... | 576,270 |
My friend had a bad experience with ice once He told me he was traumiticed | 576,271 |
"No Homo" "No homo" cries the team at a dig site. The head archeologist sinks to his knees sobbing. He has dedicated his entire career to the pursuit of homo habilis, an important part of the hominid evolutionary line. All his work led up to this archeological dig site. But now his whole life has been for nothing there... | 576,272 |
Waiter, waiter, what’s wrong with this fish? Waiter: Long time, no sea Sir. | 576,273 |
Doctor: You have two months to live. Patient: But doctor, I won't be able to pay your bill in that time! Doctor: Ok, you have three months to live. | 576,274 |
I'm going to spoil your life You die in the end | 576,275 |
Why didn't the chair have any humor? Because it wasn't a stand up comedian | 576,276 |
Walking on Water It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesus takes his ree... | 576,277 |
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob? Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out. | 576,278 |
What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick down a whore's throat. | 576,279 |
What did the pony say to the doctor when he had a sore throat? I'm a little hoarse. | 576,280 |
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner... Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn'... | 576,281 |
Knew a dude who back flipped and cartwheeled while beating his wife. I guess he was a misogymnast. | 576,282 |
A robber walks into a bar and asks, "is the bar tender here?" | 576,283 |
My Girlfriend wanted me to give her anal. I said fuck that shit. | 576,284 |
BEAUTIFUL? A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he s... | 576,285 |
I'd say I'm a down to earth guy... but that's mostly because of gravity... | 576,286 |
Why couldn't Edward Snowden go anywhere? Because he was snowed in. | 576,287 |
Did you hear about the college for dolphins? It was for educational porpoises only. | 576,288 |
Why did the cat join the Red Cross ? It wanted to be a first aid kit. | 576,289 |
My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite. | 576,290 |
My opinion about Mars and Earth Mars could have once owned earth with people living there and the people did not want to live controled by mars so tried to have independince so mars just killed all the people and destroying belongs | 576,291 |
Did you hear about the guy who wanted to join ISIS? He wanted to get head. | 576,292 |
what's red and smells like blue paint? red paint | 576,293 |
How many creationists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they still use torches. | 576,294 |
What's in a Paul Walker shot ? An Irish car bomb followed by a shot of Fireball | 576,295 |
Why did Hermione liked Ron instead of Potter Because Ron had a rather large wand. | 576,296 |
A proud German from Frankfurt was so pissed off when he traveled to England and people called him a Frankfurter ... ... he moved to Hamburg. | 576,297 |
A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns. Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool. | 576,298 |
Young woman... There was a young lady from Exeter,
So lovely the men all craned their necks at 'er.
But only one was so brave as to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er. | 576,299 |
The next Iphone I'm sure the next Iphone will be a big 6s. | 576,300 |
The Italian Inmate Three men were busted for robbing a bank: a German man, a French man, and an Italian man. They were all placed in the same cell and the police took them one by one asking them questions about their operations.
The German man was first. They cuffed his hands behind his back and took him to another r... | 576,301 |
What goes up and never comes down in college your debt | 576,302 |
An Irishman walks into a bar.... And then another Irishman walks into the bar.
And another one.
And another one.
And another one.
And another one.
And another one. | 576,303 |
A crying man walks slowly along the frontier. He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.
"What's the matter friend?"
The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out ... | 576,304 |
Two turtles collide in an intersection. When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..." | 576,305 |
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