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The IRS Audits A Gambling Grandpa The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambl... | 576,306 |
I'm a fan of Star Wars. So at lunch I saved my pork for last so I could have Ham Solo. | 576,307 |
I am starting a sanctuary for oversized marine mammals. It's called Habitat for Huge Manatees. | 576,308 |
Clinton Campaign Hillary's Clinton's response to allegations of receiving money from foreign governments to fund her campaign: "I did NOT have financial relations with those countries!" | 576,309 |
[SHPOILUR ALUURT] [notreally] Why Gordan Freeman has no voice on March 3rd, 2013, at exactly 3:33, the voice actor of gordan freeman died from a whit-black headcrab. it ate his head off and ripped out his vocal cords with his crowbar. he used it with his mouth and it might have cut its lips. | 576,310 |
a girl poop says to a boy poop "ew, did you just fart?"
"no we both smell like shit remember cause were poops" | 576,311 |
A FEW GOOD LAWYERS A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawye... | 576,312 |
Why is a Mexican midget called a paragraph? Because he isn't a full ese. | 576,313 |
Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? He kept getting nailed into the boards | 576,314 |
"That's what" -She | 576,315 |
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan. | 576,316 |
Three Guys Die and Go to Heaven The first guy is Italian, the second is a Jew, and the third is a homosexual. They all go to meet God, and God tells them, "you've lived good lives; I'll let you live on Earth awhile longer if you abstain from your favorite things."
To the Italian, he says, "You aren't allowed to talk w... | 576,317 |
A woman is in a coma and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurr... | 576,318 |
Reverend, Lion and Jesus The reverend visits Africa and was preaching in a small church "thankful prayers outweighs begging prayers"
On the way back to the airport for the flight home, his rental jeep broke down halfway in the middle of a jungle. He starts to walk back to the church which was 3 miles away to get assist... | 576,319 |
Heard this downtown. "Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"You forgot about me!" | 576,320 |
What are OJ Simpson's favorite keys on a computer? Return
Home
Slash
Slash
Backslash
Shift
Shift
Shift
Escape | 576,321 |
Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide and seek... Einstein volunteers to be it so he closes his eyes and counts to 30. As he is counting, Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton draws a square (1x1 metre) and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around and sees Newton. He says, "Newton, you're it.... | 576,322 |
It's ok to eat meat on Fridays during lent! As long as you burn the hell out of it... | 576,323 |
How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god it. | 576,324 |
How do you get to Nazi Germany It's on the third right
EDIT: Woah this is like my third day here front page? I feel special now. | 576,325 |
Dude, the water from the sink is sooo hot... I would tap that. | 576,326 |
How do you get Peekachu on a bus? You Pokemon | 576,327 |
Complained to my wife about our sex life diminishing. Zero fucks were given. | 576,328 |
Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider? Because it's hard to discern. | 576,329 |
3 feminists go camping 3 feminists decide to rough it for a weekend. None has ever been to the spot they're camping in, but a friend has told them all about it and given them directions from the campsite to the nearby privy.
They arrive at twilight and make camp. After exchanging tales of social justice for a few hour... | 576,330 |
What do you call a group of rabbits backing up? A Receding hairline | 576,331 |
If you press your ear... If you press your ear against someone's knee and listen carefully, you can hear them say "What the fuck are you doing?" | 576,332 |
Why aren't there any female butchers? Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone. | 576,333 |
Last Wish There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. "Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." (you know a president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).
"Nikita Kruschev? But he's been dead for a lo... | 576,334 |
I hate when I buy organic vegetables... and when I get home I find they are just regular donuts. | 576,335 |
A truck driver walks into a bar... He tells the bartender "give me a whiskey, straight up". The bartender pours him a whiskey, the truck driver takes it, sloshes it around in his mouth, and spits it out on the floor. He asks the bartender for another. The bartender obliges and pours him another whiskey. Once again, the... | 576,336 |
What are you if you hide eggs at nice places eggspert. | 576,337 |
Guru asks disciple - If there were two bags in front of you and I tell you one has money and the other has wisdom, which would you take? Disciple: I would take the bag with the money.
Guru: (Sarcastic Laugh) I would take the bag with the wisdom.
Disciple: Each one takes what he doesn't have. | 576,338 |
Thank God lent is over.... not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking. | 576,339 |
Anyone hear the one.. Anyone hear the one about the messy bed?
Yeah, I made it up.
| 576,340 |
What do you call a frightened nun? A nervous habit | 576,341 |
I went to an extremely traditional cannibal wedding this weekend It was an edible arrangement. | 576,342 |
Marijuana Suppositories You know they're coming, it's just a matter of time. So here's a few suggestions for naming these lovely futuristic devices.
1. Grass Ass
2. Ass Grass
3. Hot Pot
4. Sheed
5. Creeper Reefer
6. Gay Hay
7. Skunky
8. Boom Tomb
9. Blaze Shave
10. Ash Ass
11. Boo Poo
12. Burn Bum
13. Bud Dud
14. Cann... | 576,343 |
The lawyer test subject NOTE: This is not my own joke. It comes from the Penguin book of Australian Jokes.
University research psychologists decided not to use white rats in experiments anymore. They opted to use lawyers instead.
First, they're much more plentiful - you can get lawyers anywhere.
Second, sometimes expe... | 576,344 |
What do you call a guy who makes "women in the kitchen" jokes? Single. | 576,345 |
What's a pirates favorite class? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt | 576,346 |
A Jewish man dies, his wife calls the newspaper to publish a death notice. The person taking the call asks her what it should say and politely informs her that they charge by the word.
She tells him to put: "Saul died."
The newspaper person tells her that the paper has a strict five word minimum on death noti... | 576,347 |
A man's family insists he see a doctor. So he goes to his doctors office.
Immediately upon seeing him, the nurse rushes him into an exam room and calls the doctor stat!
The doctor comes in and says, "my god Jim! You look awful!"
But the man tells him he feels great. "Everyone keeps telling me how awful I look, but I... | 576,348 |
two guys are at work and one says to the other “i had the worst freudian slip the other day..i was at the train station and the woman behind the ticket counter had these massive tits and i meant to say ‘could i please have two tickets to pittsburgh,’ but ended up saying ‘could i please have two pickets to tittsburg’” a... | 576,349 |
I'm not racist! I'll have you know my childhood best friend was black, but I haven't seen him since my dad sold him. | 576,350 |
Y'know babe, they said Jesus rose again in three days... But it only takes me three minutes! *symbol crash* | 576,351 |
When I was younger, I thought I had a Chinese friend. But it was just my imaginasian. | 576,352 |
I had diarrhea once It was shitty. | 576,353 |
What's the best part of a boxer's joke? The punch line
Found in BL magazine | 576,354 |
What do you call a person who is half Jewish? Jew-ish | 576,355 |
Breast is best A woman and a baby are in a doctor's surgery, where the doctor is worried about the baby's weight.
"Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor. The woman replies, "breast". With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts. After pinching her nipples and sucking and ru... | 576,356 |
When I was a kid I had an Arab friend Mabe Al-zuq Yadeeq | 576,357 |
What does a neckbeard eat for breakfast? Pankeks. | 576,358 |
The two statues In a city park stood two beautiful statues,
one female and the other male, both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people th... | 576,359 |
I am so old I need a selfie stick to read my own phone. | 576,360 |
As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made. His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.
In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it... | 576,361 |
It must be tough for a woman going through her OKCupid messages finding a good one... It's like finding a needle in a hey-stack. | 576,362 |
What city is the favorite place for anti-Semites? Juno | 576,363 |
In honor of easter, here's a joke my French teacher put on the board last week. Easter is a bonne idée. | 576,364 |
Let me tell you the joke about the second No wait... too soon. | 576,365 |
What do you call a dog with no legs? Why bother calling it? | 576,366 |
Did you guys hear Adele might have cancer? It's not confirmed, but tumor has it | 576,367 |
I farted in church today..... I farted in church today and four people spun around in their seats and looked at me. I felt like I was on the Voice! | 576,368 |
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil | 576,369 |
Why do women have legs? So they don't leave a trail like a slug. | 576,370 |
Donald and Daisy getting down Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Ma... | 576,371 |
How do spies eat their waffles? Syruptitiously! | 576,372 |
What do you call a group of sorority girls/fraternity guys standing in a circle? A round of applause
...because they all have the clap. | 576,373 |
Why can you trust chocolate but not marshmallow? Because chocolate doesn't make a peep. | 576,374 |
I just moved to Wisconsin, and my neighbour invited me over to meet his wife and his sister. When I got there... ...the three of us had dinner. | 576,375 |
What is the internet's predominant religion? Cat-holic-ism. Meow! | 576,376 |
What do you call a cat on a big plate? a platterpuss | 576,377 |
When april fools are gone... ... EVERYTHING ON INTERNET IS TRUE NOW. | 576,378 |
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. | 576,379 |
A guy's life gets really terrible... So he prys to Jesus, and asks:
"How can I fix my life, Jesus?"
And Jesus revealed himself from the heavens, and said:
"Just turn it off and back on again. Worked for me." | 576,380 |
BBQ I used to hold a BBQ every weekend for friends until I realised you can just let it rest on the ground. | 576,381 |
Click here for spoilers Microorganisms
Humidity
Light
Heat | 576,383 |
A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?" I should have told you yesterday. | 576,384 |
A Tumblr user walks into a DIY store..... A Tumblr user walks into a DIY store and steals one item. He take a fence | 576,385 |
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.... The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." | 576,386 |
What would you call a person who's dad is Jewish? Jew-ish | 576,387 |
What do you call graduates from secret society school? Alumniati | 576,388 |
Easter used to be called Wester But they decided to take things in a new direction. | 576,389 |
Black paint Political correctness has gone to far these days. You cant even say black paint any more, you have to say "Tyrone, please will you paint my house?" | 576,390 |
I carry an epipen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it. | 576,391 |
What do you call two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald | 576,392 |
What do you call a one legged woman? Eileen! What do you call a one legged Japanese woman. Irene! What do you call the Samoan lady who fell off the cliff? Eileen Tufa'a! | 576,393 |
My football playing cousin went to prison He went in as a tight end, and came out as a wide receiver. | 576,394 |
Burger King: Have a chicken fry again! But Sensei, I thought they could arways fry | 576,395 |
A lion who's been removed from its family.. ..has been stripped of it's pride. | 576,396 |
I just find that blunt pencils are so... ... pointless
I'll find my own way out | 576,397 |
I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be cremated.. I then told my family that I had no specific burial requests, just make sure that they don't have me cremated, no matter what. | 576,398 |
I wish I hadn't spoken French to my cat. Now he thinks he's the king of Iran. | 576,399 |
Premature ejaculators are like Christians They are all waiting for resurrection and second coming. | 576,400 |
I tried to make my password beefstew But it wasn't stroganoff | 576,401 |
What's Arnie's favourite holiday? You have to love Easter, baby | 576,402 |
I think I just had my first orgasm? I was shaking and my legs were shaking and everything. Then I just realized that wasn't a orgasm, "THAT WAS A EARTHQUAKE!" :'( | 576,403 |
Did you hear Nintendo was making a Special Olympics game? It's called Wiitarded | 576,404 |
If I committed suicide, I'd do it in front of a mirror... I'll see myself out. | 576,405 |
nws, easter what Some told me they were going to an egg toss,
me, Is that an oral sex party | 576,406 |
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