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The IRS Audits A Gambling Grandpa The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney.
"This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!" | 576,306 |
I'm a fan of Star Wars. So at lunch I saved my pork for last so I could have Ham Solo. | 576,307 |
I am starting a sanctuary for oversized marine mammals. It's called Habitat for Huge Manatees. | 576,308 |
Clinton Campaign Hillary's Clinton's response to allegations of receiving money from foreign governments to fund her campaign: "I did NOT have financial relations with those countries!" | 576,309 |
[SHPOILUR ALUURT] [notreally] Why Gordan Freeman has no voice on March 3rd, 2013, at exactly 3:33, the voice actor of gordan freeman died from a whit-black headcrab. it ate his head off and ripped out his vocal cords with his crowbar. he used it with his mouth and it might have cut its lips. | 576,310 |
a girl poop says to a boy poop "ew, did you just fart?"
"no we both smell like shit remember cause were poops" | 576,311 |
A FEW GOOD LAWYERS A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?" | 576,312 |
Why is a Mexican midget called a paragraph? Because he isn't a full ese. | 576,313 |
Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? He kept getting nailed into the boards | 576,314 |
"That's what" -She | 576,315 |
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan. | 576,316 |
Three Guys Die and Go to Heaven The first guy is Italian, the second is a Jew, and the third is a homosexual. They all go to meet God, and God tells them, "you've lived good lives; I'll let you live on Earth awhile longer if you abstain from your favorite things."
To the Italian, he says, "You aren't allowed to talk with your hands, or you come back to heaven."
To the Jew he says, "you aren't allowed to pick up lose change, or you'll come back to heaven."
To the homosexual, he says, "you know what you can't do."
So the guys head pack and are looking to celebrate. The Italian guy runs home to his family, begins to tell his story, POOF. He's back in heaven. The Jew runs home, and sees a quarter on the ground. "Wow, my luck really is good today!" He bends to pick up.
The gay guy goes back to heaven.
| 576,317 |
A woman is in a coma and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ’ i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.’ so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, ’I don’t know, I think that she started choking.’ | 576,318 |
Reverend, Lion and Jesus The reverend visits Africa and was preaching in a small church "thankful prayers outweighs begging prayers"
On the way back to the airport for the flight home, his rental jeep broke down halfway in the middle of a jungle. He starts to walk back to the church which was 3 miles away to get assistant and he spotted a Lion. The lion noticed the reverend.
Reverend prayed "Dear Jesus! I begged you for your protection"
Lion prayed "Thank you Jesus for the food blessed be your name"
Reverend was graced for the Lion. | 576,319 |
Heard this downtown. "Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"You forgot about me!" | 576,320 |
What are OJ Simpson's favorite keys on a computer? Return
Home
Slash
Slash
Backslash
Shift
Shift
Shift
Escape | 576,321 |
Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide and seek... Einstein volunteers to be it so he closes his eyes and counts to 30. As he is counting, Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton draws a square (1x1 metre) and stands inside it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around and sees Newton. He says, "Newton, you're it. I found you." But then Newton says, "No, you found one Newton over a square metre; therefore, you've found Pascal!" | 576,322 |
It's ok to eat meat on Fridays during lent! As long as you burn the hell out of it... | 576,323 |
How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god it. | 576,324 |
How do you get to Nazi Germany It's on the third right
EDIT: Woah this is like my third day here front page? I feel special now. | 576,325 |
Dude, the water from the sink is sooo hot... I would tap that. | 576,326 |
How do you get Peekachu on a bus? You Pokemon | 576,327 |
Complained to my wife about our sex life diminishing. Zero fucks were given. | 576,328 |
Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider? Because it's hard to discern. | 576,329 |
3 feminists go camping 3 feminists decide to rough it for a weekend. None has ever been to the spot they're camping in, but a friend has told them all about it and given them directions from the campsite to the nearby privy.
They arrive at twilight and make camp. After exchanging tales of social justice for a few hours and burning men in effigy over a roaring campfire, one of them heads off to use the privy.
When she arrives, she is shocked. She had expected a cozy little outhouse, perhaps with a quarter moon carved into the door. What she finds instead is nothing more than a hole in the ground, and to add insult to injury there's a huge boulder covering it. Worse yet, it's perched precariously on a narrow ledge overlooking a thousand-foot drop. But duty calls, so she grabs a nearby stick and begins to lever the boulder out of the way.
Back at camp, the other two hear nature calling at the same time. They begin arguing about who needs to use the privy worse when one simply takes off running. The other follows, hot on her heels, and the two begin shouting angrily at one another as they race toward it.
After a lot of hard work, the original girl sits down to do her business. Just as a smile of pure enjoyment etches itself across her face, she hears her friends' approaching screams punctuated by fast, thunderous footfalls and snapping branches. Before long, they burst out of the forest and onto the narrow ledge and, unable to stop in time, knock the poor girl straight off the cliff.
Moral of the story: Privy-ledge only seems great when you need it but don't have it. Once you have it, you realize it isn't all it's cracked up to be. You realize that to benefit from it, you have to actually put in some work. And the next people that come along fighting for it might just kill you. | 576,330 |
What do you call a group of rabbits backing up? A Receding hairline | 576,331 |
If you press your ear... If you press your ear against someone's knee and listen carefully, you can hear them say "What the fuck are you doing?" | 576,332 |
Why aren't there any female butchers? Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone. | 576,333 |
Last Wish There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. "Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." (you know a president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).
"Nikita Kruschev? But he's been dead for a long time." "I don't care, I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!" The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful tits out of her bra and offers the left one to the man.
He holds it and caresses it, very moved. He said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole situation.
She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" "Yes! Is he here too?" "Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right tit. "Oh my dear president, how happy I am to see you here," said the man, kissing again and again. The nurse liked all that very very much, and was starting to get wet, so she asked the man, "What about Fidel Castro?" | 576,334 |
I hate when I buy organic vegetables... and when I get home I find they are just regular donuts. | 576,335 |
A truck driver walks into a bar... He tells the bartender "give me a whiskey, straight up". The bartender pours him a whiskey, the truck driver takes it, sloshes it around in his mouth, and spits it out on the floor. He asks the bartender for another. The bartender obliges and pours him another whiskey. Once again, the truck driver sloshes it around in his mouth and spits it out on the floor. At this point the bartender gets upset. "Hey buddy! What's your problem?? Your making a mess all over my bar!" The truck driver replies, "Sorry, I just had a really bad day! As I was making a delivery, I drove into this tiny little alley, but at the same time, another truck driver drove into the same alley at the other end. I honked my horn and told the guy to back out since we couldn't both fit. "We fit!!" he yells back. "We DON'T FIT!!" I yell back. "WE FIT!!" he persists. So I tell him, "if you think we fit I'll give you a BJ right here, right now!!!" The bartender asks "ok, so what happened?" The truck driver replied:
"That little bastard sure can drive!"
| 576,336 |
What are you if you hide eggs at nice places eggspert. | 576,337 |
Guru asks disciple - If there were two bags in front of you and I tell you one has money and the other has wisdom, which would you take? Disciple: I would take the bag with the money.
Guru: (Sarcastic Laugh) I would take the bag with the wisdom.
Disciple: Each one takes what he doesn't have. | 576,338 |
Thank God lent is over.... not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking. | 576,339 |
Anyone hear the one.. Anyone hear the one about the messy bed?
Yeah, I made it up.
| 576,340 |
What do you call a frightened nun? A nervous habit | 576,341 |
I went to an extremely traditional cannibal wedding this weekend It was an edible arrangement. | 576,342 |
Marijuana Suppositories You know they're coming, it's just a matter of time. So here's a few suggestions for naming these lovely futuristic devices.
1. Grass Ass
2. Ass Grass
3. Hot Pot
4. Sheed
5. Creeper Reefer
6. Gay Hay
7. Skunky
8. Boom Tomb
9. Blaze Shave
10. Ash Ass
11. Boo Poo
12. Burn Bum
13. Bud Dud
14. Cannabutt
Plus any suggestions you guys have. What do you think? | 576,343 |
The lawyer test subject NOTE: This is not my own joke. It comes from the Penguin book of Australian Jokes.
University research psychologists decided not to use white rats in experiments anymore. They opted to use lawyers instead.
First, they're much more plentiful - you can get lawyers anywhere.
Second, sometimes experimenters get a little bit too attached to their white rates and if something nasty happens to them you feel bad. With lawyers you don't have that problem.
Third, they're found out there are some things that white rats just won't do.
But the latest development is they're stopped using lawyers. They're back to using white rats again. The reason is simple. They weren't into it very long before they found out that lawyers aren't very close to human beings. | 576,344 |
What do you call a guy who makes "women in the kitchen" jokes? Single. | 576,345 |
What's a pirates favorite class? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt | 576,346 |
A Jewish man dies, his wife calls the newspaper to publish a death notice. The person taking the call asks her what it should say and politely informs her that they charge by the word.
She tells him to put: "Saul died."
The newspaper person tells her that the paper has a strict five word minimum on death notices.
She thinks for a moment and tells him to put, "Saul died. Cadillac for sale." | 576,347 |
A man's family insists he see a doctor. So he goes to his doctors office.
Immediately upon seeing him, the nurse rushes him into an exam room and calls the doctor stat!
The doctor comes in and says, "my god Jim! You look awful!"
But the man tells him he feels great. "Everyone keeps telling me how awful I look, but I feel wonderful."
The doctor examines him and finds nothing abnormal, so he begins thumbing through medical references.
"Let's see," he says as he reads, "Looks great feels great. No that's not it. Looks great but feels awful. No. Looks awful and feels awful... No, you feel great."
Finally, the doctor stabs his finger at the page and goes "Aha! Feels great and looks awful! You're a vagina!" | 576,348 |
two guys are at work and one says to the other “i had the worst freudian slip the other day..i was at the train station and the woman behind the ticket counter had these massive tits and i meant to say ‘could i please have two tickets to pittsburgh,’ but ended up saying ‘could i please have two pickets to tittsburg’” and the other guy laughs and says “yeah i did something like that the other day – my wife and i were eating breakfast and i meant to say ‘honey could you please pass the butter,’ but what i ended up saying was ‘you ruined my life you fucking bitch’” | 576,349 |
I'm not racist! I'll have you know my childhood best friend was black, but I haven't seen him since my dad sold him. | 576,350 |
Y'know babe, they said Jesus rose again in three days... But it only takes me three minutes! *symbol crash* | 576,351 |
When I was younger, I thought I had a Chinese friend. But it was just my imaginasian. | 576,352 |
I had diarrhea once It was shitty. | 576,353 |
What's the best part of a boxer's joke? The punch line
Found in BL magazine | 576,354 |
What do you call a person who is half Jewish? Jew-ish | 576,355 |
Breast is best A woman and a baby are in a doctor's surgery, where the doctor is worried about the baby's weight.
"Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor. The woman replies, "breast". With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts. After pinching her nipples and sucking and rubbing both of her breasts for some time the doctor says, "No wonder the baby is under weight, you have no milk!"
The woman replies, "I know, I'm his Nan, but I'm glad I came." | 576,356 |
When I was a kid I had an Arab friend Mabe Al-zuq Yadeeq | 576,357 |
What does a neckbeard eat for breakfast? Pankeks. | 576,358 |
The two statues In a city park stood two beautiful statues,
one female and the other male, both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed on you...
I grant you the gift of life ~ albeit as a limited offer. You have 30 minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."
And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment, looked all around and then at their own bodies and finally back at each other. Still smiling they then ran to the nearby woods and dived behind a large bush.
The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.
Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
"Oh, Yes!", the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and 'I'll crap on it's head!" | 576,359 |
I am so old I need a selfie stick to read my own phone. | 576,360 |
As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made. His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.
In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.
The dentist was shocked that it had only lasted three months, so he constructed a new plate and had stainless steel used as the basis.
But again in about three months the patient was back, and the stainless steel plate was corroded and failing.
This time he had the plate made with titanium, but once more it only lasted a matter of months before deteriorating beyond repair.
Totally baffled, he sent the patient to a dental professor known to be an expert in the construction of dental plates to see if he could solve this puzzle.
The professor examined his mouth and quizzed the man about his dental hygiene and diet. "There must be something very acidic that you eat a lot of." The dentist said.
"To tell the truth," the man replied, "My wife makes the absolute best hollandaise sauce in the world. I put it on everything."
"Aha!" The professor exclaims. "Have your dentist make you a new plate out of chrome and you shouldn't have any more problems!"
"Chrome?" The patent asks. "Why chrome?"
"Because," the dentist replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
| 576,361 |
It must be tough for a woman going through her OKCupid messages finding a good one... It's like finding a needle in a hey-stack. | 576,362 |
What city is the favorite place for anti-Semites? Juno | 576,363 |
In honor of easter, here's a joke my French teacher put on the board last week. Easter is a bonne idée. | 576,364 |
Let me tell you the joke about the second No wait... too soon. | 576,365 |
What do you call a dog with no legs? Why bother calling it? | 576,366 |
Did you guys hear Adele might have cancer? It's not confirmed, but tumor has it | 576,367 |
I farted in church today..... I farted in church today and four people spun around in their seats and looked at me. I felt like I was on the Voice! | 576,368 |
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil | 576,369 |
Why do women have legs? So they don't leave a trail like a slug. | 576,370 |
Donald and Daisy getting down Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!" | 576,371 |
How do spies eat their waffles? Syruptitiously! | 576,372 |
What do you call a group of sorority girls/fraternity guys standing in a circle? A round of applause
...because they all have the clap. | 576,373 |
Why can you trust chocolate but not marshmallow? Because chocolate doesn't make a peep. | 576,374 |
I just moved to Wisconsin, and my neighbour invited me over to meet his wife and his sister. When I got there... ...the three of us had dinner. | 576,375 |
What is the internet's predominant religion? Cat-holic-ism. Meow! | 576,376 |
What do you call a cat on a big plate? a platterpuss | 576,377 |
When april fools are gone... ... EVERYTHING ON INTERNET IS TRUE NOW. | 576,378 |
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. | 576,379 |
A guy's life gets really terrible... So he prys to Jesus, and asks:
"How can I fix my life, Jesus?"
And Jesus revealed himself from the heavens, and said:
"Just turn it off and back on again. Worked for me." | 576,380 |
BBQ I used to hold a BBQ every weekend for friends until I realised you can just let it rest on the ground. | 576,381 |
Click here for spoilers Microorganisms
Humidity
Light
Heat | 576,383 |
A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?" I should have told you yesterday. | 576,384 |
A Tumblr user walks into a DIY store..... A Tumblr user walks into a DIY store and steals one item. He take a fence | 576,385 |
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.... The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." | 576,386 |
What would you call a person who's dad is Jewish? Jew-ish | 576,387 |
What do you call graduates from secret society school? Alumniati | 576,388 |
Easter used to be called Wester But they decided to take things in a new direction. | 576,389 |
Black paint Political correctness has gone to far these days. You cant even say black paint any more, you have to say "Tyrone, please will you paint my house?" | 576,390 |
I carry an epipen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it. | 576,391 |
What do you call two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald | 576,392 |
What do you call a one legged woman? Eileen! What do you call a one legged Japanese woman. Irene! What do you call the Samoan lady who fell off the cliff? Eileen Tufa'a! | 576,393 |
My football playing cousin went to prison He went in as a tight end, and came out as a wide receiver. | 576,394 |
Burger King: Have a chicken fry again! But Sensei, I thought they could arways fry | 576,395 |
A lion who's been removed from its family.. ..has been stripped of it's pride. | 576,396 |
I just find that blunt pencils are so... ... pointless
I'll find my own way out | 576,397 |
I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be cremated.. I then told my family that I had no specific burial requests, just make sure that they don't have me cremated, no matter what. | 576,398 |
I wish I hadn't spoken French to my cat. Now he thinks he's the king of Iran. | 576,399 |
Premature ejaculators are like Christians They are all waiting for resurrection and second coming. | 576,400 |
I tried to make my password beefstew But it wasn't stroganoff | 576,401 |
What's Arnie's favourite holiday? You have to love Easter, baby | 576,402 |
I think I just had my first orgasm? I was shaking and my legs were shaking and everything. Then I just realized that wasn't a orgasm, "THAT WAS A EARTHQUAKE!" :'( | 576,403 |
Did you hear Nintendo was making a Special Olympics game? It's called Wiitarded | 576,404 |
If I committed suicide, I'd do it in front of a mirror... I'll see myself out. | 576,405 |
nws, easter what Some told me they were going to an egg toss,
me, Is that an oral sex party | 576,406 |
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