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What do you get when you cross someone who grows food for a living and someone who is on their phone 24/7?[OC] A Farmville addict.
I'll leave now. | 576,407 |
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeve. | 576,408 |
[NSFW] Female Pornstars' favourite Mobile Operating System Sybian.
I'm so sorry... | 576,409 |
Why did Karl Marx always buy cheap tea? Because he believed that all proper tea was theft. | 576,410 |
Three men walk into heaven after death and find there is only one rule. There are ducks running around everywhere, and God tells them that the only rule is to not step on any ducks. You must watch your step wherever you go. The punishment of stepping in a duck is that you are forced to marry someone hideous.
The three men begin to like heaven. They are roaming around when the first man hears a loud, pained quack and discovers he had accidentally stepped on a duck. The next day, he finds that God was serious about the rule, and was forced to marry an very unattractive woman.
The next day, the second man went off on his own. He was daydreaming, and accidentally stepped on a duck. He, too, was made to marry a very ugly woman.
When the two men were lamenting over their punishments, they found their friend with a beautiful supermodel wearing a wedding dress. They go up to God ask how he got to marry such a beautiful women.
"Because, she stepped on a duck." | 576,411 |
What do you call a zombie eating a dog? Asian zombie | 576,412 |
Did you hear about the woman who walked backwards into a propellor? Disaster... | 576,413 |
I had a Muslim kid in my high school and he was notorious for being late So we called him 9/12 | 576,414 |
Why did Jesus hang on the cross for three days? He forgot the safe word. | 576,415 |
Are you a monosaccharide? 'Cause sugar, you're basic. | 576,416 |
What is more funny than a penguin sliding down a hill? The penguin who pushed him! | 576,417 |
How do you circumcise Kanye West? Kick him in the jaw. | 576,418 |
Did you hear about the obese woman who got a job at a bank? She was a four-chin teller. | 576,419 |
What did the lake say to his girlfriend? You're loching good today babe! | 576,420 |
Resurrection day Children at Sunday school were asked what resurrection meant. One boy replied, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts for more than 4 hours you should call a doctor." Happy Easter! | 576,421 |
A vegan, a few crossfitters and a bunch of atheists are coming over for Easter There's no joke, I just thought you all should know | 576,422 |
[NSFW] a little girl catches her parents having sex A little girl walks into her parents bedroom and sees them having sex, when the little girl asks what they are doing the mother replies "oh we was just baking a cake dear" and the little girl thinks nothing of it. a few days later the mother and her little girl are walking through a zoo when they see two chimpanzees having sex, the mother quickly reminds her daughter that the chimps are baking a cake and again the naive little girl thinks nothing of it.
1 week later the little girl runs into the kitchen and says to her mother "mommy you and daddy baked a cake yesterday didnt you"?, the mother confused and unnerved simply replies "yes, how did you know"? the little girl smiles and simply says "because i licked the icing off the sofa" | 576,423 |
What kind of dinosaur would Eminem be? A veloci-rapper.
What about Stalin?
A Tyrant-a-saurus rex. | 576,424 |
I saw a Russian woman shouting at her husband It's clear who wears the tracksuit bottoms in that relationship | 576,425 |
What do you call an Irish man that bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea. | 576,426 |
Have you seen the new movie Constipated? It hasn't come out yet | 576,427 |
What do a Prostitute and a politician have in common? they both take money for lip-service. | 576,428 |
I used to be addicted to soap... But then I got clean. | 576,429 |
Confucius say... Do not meet girl in park. Park meat in girl. | 576,430 |
I heard the comedians at Jamestown were pretty bad... The punchlines were so shitty everyone died. | 576,431 |
We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word! There are only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use:
10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton
And number 1 . . . drum roll . . . .
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Saddam Hussein | 576,432 |
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Juan. | 576,433 |
China has developed a liquid metal that can transform into any shape. While the U.S. has created a breakfast sandwich with Hash Browns now at Taco Bell. | 576,434 |
How do you catch an elephant? First, you dig a big hole. Place some ashes in the bottom of the hole. Then you put peas around the hole....When the elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. | 576,435 |
Everybody had heard we were running out of space in Everybody had heard we were running out of space in the file cabinet, so they all rushed to get their documents put away. It was a self-fullfiling prophesy. | 576,436 |
What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race? The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different. | 576,437 |
What did you two peas say after they kidnapped the Queen's kids? We have herpes. | 576,438 |
Three priests are at a funeral. One of the priests turns to the others and says, "When I die, I want someone to talk about how good of family man I was and how I everyone in my family loved me."
The next priest says, "When I die, I was someone to talk about how I was always there for the church and how I memorized the bible."
The last priest said, "When I die, I want someone to yell, 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"' | 576,439 |
Why did no one ever consider Tony Stark (the Iron Man) a protagonist? Because he was always cited as the Anthony hero. | 576,440 |
The big moron and the little moron were standing on the bridge over the River Send. The big moron fell off. How come the little moron didn't fall off, too? Because the little moron on was a little more on. | 576,441 |
Why is business good on Easter? Because prophets rise | 576,442 |
So a blind man walks into a fish market... When he gets in he stops takes a big ol wiff and says,"Good morning ladies!" | 576,443 |
Happy Easter And to the Jews, better luck next time | 576,444 |
Why did God put the ring on Saturn? Because he liked it. | 576,445 |
My father-in-law told me this yesterday. A woman was standing with a quarter in each ear. A man walks up and asks her why she has 2 quarters in her ears. She tells him it is because she is listening to 50 Cent. | 576,446 |
The Funniest Joke I Ever Heard Was... Post them in here. Honestly, off the top of your head, post the funniest joke you've ever heard.
Whether it's very long, or a simple one-liner, share it! | 576,447 |
A plane just landed... Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.
| 576,448 |
what did my sperm get for easter? an egg hunt! | 576,449 |
Which blood type do most of the people in Taiwan's capital city have? Taipei | 576,450 |
Two angels run out of weed... One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin." | 576,451 |
Where do Thai people spend their money? In the bahtroom. | 576,452 |
How many eggs did Kelly Clarkson eat for Easter? All of them.
(It's timely if not funny, right?) | 576,453 |
I was going to get a tattoo of Chris Hemsworth on my behind... but that would make my ass Thor. | 576,454 |
What's the opposite of Easter? Wester | 576,455 |
Sharp and short! **Husband** : I love you!
**Wife** : Not today! | 576,456 |
A man takes a walk down the beach... When he passes up a woman with no arms and no legs crying on the sand.
The man asked: Whats the matter?
She replies: In all of my life i have never been kissed by a man.
With a shrug the man walks over to her and gives her a kiss on the lips then says farewell and walks away. But seconds after then hears her begin to cry again even harder.
So he asks: Well know whats wrong?
To which she replies: In all my life i have never been fucked by a man.
With a sigh the man bends down pull her up to his chest and while staring her in the eyes throws her in the ocean.
The man" WELL NOW YOURE FUCKED! | 576,457 |
The lord has risen But it was a struggle to get out of bed this morning. | 576,458 |
What do you call a psychoanalyst's underwear? A Freudian slip. | 576,459 |
Don't go into the rent-a-tomb business.... It's only ever worked with one person.
Happy Easter ! God Bless ! | 576,460 |
"Doctor, tell me, if I quit drinking will, will I live longer?" "It will definitely feel longer. " | 576,461 |
What organ do only British people have? The Eng gland. | 576,462 |
In the Chinese version of "Fight Club" the main character thought he had befriended a crazy anarchist. Turns out he was Wong the whole time. | 576,463 |
I love 80s Rock It always makes me Bon Jovial | 576,464 |
Why do people paint eggs for Easter? Bunnies squirm too much. | 576,465 |
What do most women hate to hear while having sex? Honey, I'm home! | 576,466 |
I tried to walk into Target... But I missed.
- Mitch Hedberg RIP. | 576,467 |
What do you call a crushed angle? A rektangle. | 576,468 |
Heard this one from the priest this morning A man was driving his car down the road, when all of a sudden the Easter Bunny popped out. The man tried to swerve in order to avoid the Easter Bunny, but it was to no avail. His basket flew into the air and scattered the eggs all over the side of the road.
The man pulled his car over, visibly upset and started crying. A woman saw this and pulled over. She asked what was wrong.
The man said, "I think I accidentally killed the Easter Bunny with my car."
The woman thought for a second, went back to her car and returned with a spray can. She proceeded to empty its contents on the rabbit.
A few moments later the Easter Bunny sprang up, gathered his eggs, waved to the man and woman and hopped down the road. A little ways down he turned around again and waved back and the two. He continued to hop, turn, and wave all the way down the road.
The man asked the woman, " What was in that spray can?"
The woman read off the can, "Hair Spray: restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave." | 576,469 |
What does a fish say when it swims into a wall? ....Dam. | 576,470 |
A golf club walks into a bar. A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
| 576,471 |
Four men got lost in a rainforest and were captured by a native tribe. They were bound and brought back to the tribe's settlement where an elder spoke to them with the help of a translator of the tribe.
He tells them that the tribe was a cannibal tribe and that he was about to let the tribe eat the four men alive.
One of the men pleaded if there was any way that they would go free.
The elder pondered for a while and said:
"There is a way. Our tribe's rules state that any prisoners shall be set free if they complete 'the trial'"
"Follow me."
The men were led to a massive orchard. The elder then told them:
"The first step is to choose a fruit. Then pick ten of them from this orchard."
Three of the men returned with the fruits. The fourth one was running late. The elder decided to continue without him.
"The second step is to push all 10 of the fruits you picked up your asses without laughing, crying, or screaming. If you do, you'll be eaten."
The first man had apples.
They were enormous apples and he barely got one in before he groaned in pain. He was eaten then and there.
The fourth man returned and he was told of the next step and the trial continued.
The second man had cherries. He got 2 in and he laughed and got eaten.
The third man picked grapes. He got 9 of them in and for some reason, he too laughed and got eaten.
The three men met in the afterlife.
First guy: "Why were you guys eaten? You had cherries and grapes!"
Second guy: "We laughed."
First guy: "Why?"
Third guy: "Because the fourth guy chose pineapples."
| 576,473 |
How do you catch an elephant? You dig a big hole, fill it with ash, and put peas around the outside of the hole. When the elephant comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. | 576,474 |
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey | 576,475 |
Why did the frog die? It kermit suicide. | 576,476 |
A newlywed couple moves into their new house... A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?" | 576,477 |
What do you call a rotten lamb chop? Food gone ba-a-a-a-a-ad. | 576,478 |
An Easter joke... A retired couple who have been married to eachother for over 50 years started thinking that they wanted to go on a vacation. They knew it had been a very long time since they went somewhere and they thought "Hey lets go to Israel, we've never been there before!"
So they book the tickets and get on the plane to go to Israel. They had a good time but suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack while they are touring the Holy Land.
So the old man goes to a mortician to figure out what he is going to do with his dead wifes body.
The mortician says "Well you've got two options: You can have her buried here for only $2,000 dollars, or you can ship her back to the U.S. for $20,000 dollars.
The old man thinks about it for a second and says, "I'll have her shipped back to the U.S."
The mortician looked stunned and asked,
"Why would you pay $20,000 dollars to have her buried back in the U.S.? It's far more expensive and much more inconvenient for you!"
The old man replies,
"Well I know that 2,000 years ago a man came back to life after dying and I ain't gonna take that chance!" | 576,479 |
Why do Texans gain so much weight? Because they always "Remember the à la mode." | 576,480 |
What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ. | 576,481 |
How many Chicago School Economists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. If the light bulb needed changing, the market would've done it already.
Shout out to Planet Money for the joke. Link: http://www.npr.org/2015/04/01/396871377/on-april-fools-day-planet-money-tries-out-economics-jokes | 576,482 |
Me: I've been constipated for 2 months. Friend: No shit? | 576,483 |
The NFL has hired their first female referee. She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago. | 576,484 |
A tapdancer walks into a room and looks at the floor. "I'd tap that." | 576,485 |
Have you seen Jesus's abs?!! He must be doing that Cross-Fit workout! | 576,486 |
Q: What mythological monster casts no reflection? A: All of them. | 576,487 |
How do you get someone with downs syndrome out of a tree? Wave at them. | 576,488 |
Why does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs? Because he doesn't want anybody to know that he's been fucking chickens! | 576,489 |
Guy Walks Into a Bar. A guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?” | 576,490 |
So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey Jesus" | 576,491 |
Did you hear that Jesus was a bit of a drunk? One time He got so hammered that He fell asleep in a cave for three days before He woke up.
(heard in church today) :-) Happy Easter! | 576,492 |
How did 1337 Jesus escape his tomb? (X-Post from ProgrammerHumor) He used an encrypted key. | 576,493 |
Diabetes is on the rise A Chinese man was window shopping at his local shopping mall one day when he came across a Diabetes Awareness exhibition.
A doctor came up to him and said,"Sir, you have to be careful of what you eat. Diabetes is on the rise!"
The Chinese man looked to be in disbelief.
From that day onwards, the Chinese man never ate rice ever again. | 576,494 |
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend But it was just my imaginasian. | 576,495 |
My son asked me to explain what coloring eggs had to do with the story of Easter... "You see, son, we color Easter eggs to remind us that Jesus dyed for our sins." | 576,496 |
What do public toilets and homeless shelters have in common? They're both full of bums | 576,497 |
Neighborhood kids came over for an Easter egg hunt. Apparently hiding the eggs in the clothes I was wearing is somehow against the law? | 576,498 |
A man had some trouble lasting during sex The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago." | 576,499 |
A man gets a text his neighbour... "Hello Jim. I know you might be mad about this, but I feel I have to confess. I've been using your wife. I know YOU paid, so only you should be entitled, but I just don't get any at home - I had a decent contract one time, but the bitch who gave it to me drained my wallet, and I just couldn't afford it anymore. Anyways, I'm sorry, and I'd be happy to pay for what I got, if you think it's necessary."
I thought thinking twice, Jim went into his house and shot his wife. He was just about to shoot his neighbour as well, when he texted him again:
"Damn auto-correct. I meant WiFi, not wife."
(Not part of the joke, but my autocorrect tried to change wifi to wife as well XD)
Edit: I am aware the title's grammar is wrong. Please don't rub it in my face ;-; | 576,501 |
So, I decided to give Reddit a try... It has its ups and downs. | 576,502 |
The opportunistic wife Wife: Aaaah...
Husband: What happened, darling?
Wife: My neck hurts.
Husband: Aww...I am going to the market, do you want me to get something for your neck?
Wife: Yeah, sure! A Necklace would be great. | 576,503 |
Why do gay men get so much hate? Because sometimes, they're fucking assholes. | 576,504 |
One Evening A Man Was At Home Watching TV And eating peanuts... One Evening A Man Was At Home Watching TV And eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question
and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.' | 576,505 |
What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails | 576,506 |
Drunken Irishman An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." | 576,507 |
Another plane was going down.. ...On board were Henry Kissinger, a priest and a hippie. The pilot comes back to the passenger area and says "This plane is going down , there are three parachutes, and I'm taking one!" and jumps out of the door.
Henry Kissinger says "I am ze smartest man in ze world und I need to live," grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The priest says to the hippie, "My son, I have lived a long life and am one with God, please take the last parachute that you may live."
The hippie turns back to the priest and says "Don't sweat it, pops, the smartest man in the world just jumped out of an airplane with my backpack." | 576,508 |
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