text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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I had a brain scan, and the results were negative. The doctors couldn't find a brain. | 576,618 |
Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
#DadJokes | 576,619 |
I turned into a cat earlier Don't ask meow | 576,620 |
What do call a 5 person orgy of only black people? A threesome. | 576,621 |
My drug dealer sold me some shoes the other day... ...I dont know what he laced them with but Ive been tripping all day. | 576,622 |
Shakespeare was a good sport... He ended all his sonnets with gg. | 576,623 |
How do you know if you have skin cancer? You die from skin cancer and come back as a ghost to study the autopsy report. | 576,624 |
Truth Assessing Robot A father gave his son a robot. "The robot is always able to tell if you're speaking the truth. If you lie, the robot will slap you."
One night the son comes home really late. The dad asks, "Where were you?"
"At the library." Bam! The son gets slapped.
"Where were you really?"
"At the movies."
... | 576,625 |
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip | 576,626 |
A man walks a little girl into the woods at night. The girl begins to tremble and says, "I'm scared."
"You're scared," the man replies abrasively, "I have to walk out of here by myself." | 576,627 |
A Medieval Escort I've been down on my luck, but today I was finally offered a job as a medieval escort. Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights. | 576,628 |
What is green, fuzzy, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree A pool table | 576,629 |
I used poo to wash my hair. What a sham! Poo doesn't work at all! | 576,630 |
A man walks a little girl into the woods at night. The girl begins to tremble and says, "I'm scared." "You're scared," the man replies abrasively, "I have to walk out of here by myself." | 576,631 |
I was offered a job working as medieval escort. Unfortunately, I turned it down because I would have to work fucking knights. | 576,632 |
A plane was going down.... A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to crash in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back ... | 576,633 |
I've been offered a job as a medieval escort. Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.
[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/31epih/what_have_you_been_most_tempted_to_do_but_never/cq0v158?context=1) (It needed a wider audience than buried in an AskReddit thread.) | 576,634 |
What do you get when you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole at Easter? Hot Cross Bunnies! | 576,635 |
What do Iron man and Sarah Palin have in common? They both had a little Downey inside of them. | 576,636 |
I wanted to tell a really grizzly joke on this subreddit.... Then I thought you guys won't be able to bear it. | 576,637 |
What's one good thing about Switzerland? Well I guess the flag's a big plus | 576,638 |
How do you make a Welshman fall asleep? Ask him how much sex he's had in his lifetime. | 576,639 |
How many dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two; one to hold the bulb and the other to serve him beer until the room starts spinning. | 576,640 |
i started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago. since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful. | 576,641 |
What do you call a horse getting carried away with a magic marker? A zebra. | 576,642 |
A priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says: "What is this, some kinda joke?" | 576,643 |
What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog | 576,644 |
I called the rape support hotline last night. Apparently it is only for victims. | 576,645 |
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke. The joke wasn’t there because it was busy parking the car | 576,646 |
Never throw a battery at someone You'll get charged with battery | 576,647 |
How's the fruit? Just peachy. | 576,648 |
Did you know... Jesus invented cross-training | 576,649 |
Rape jokes aren't funny. They're always forced. | 576,650 |
So a guy walks into a library... ...and asks if the librarian if they have any books about suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back." | 576,651 |
Why wasn't Boy George any good at English? because he always put 5 commas before chameleon. | 576,652 |
A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week: A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Ol... | 576,653 |
THe newiest Knock Knock joke I heard. - Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- First pilot.
hopefully not too soon
| 576,654 |
What's a Polygon? A dead parrot. | 576,655 |
The elephants island (canadian joke) An american, a jew, a frenchman and a canadian are marooned on a desert island with elephants.
Some days later, a container washes ashore. The container is full of pencils and paper. So every maroonee decides to write a book about their experience.
A year later, they are rescued, ... | 576,656 |
A bunch of coworkers approached me and asked if I was gay... So I told them, "My pen is with her at the moment." | 576,657 |
A guy is walking through Ireland... A guy is walking through Ireland when he gets stopped by a knife-wielding thug. The thug holds the blade against the man's neck and says "Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?
Thinking fast the man replies "Neither, I'm Jewish". The thug smiles with joy and says "I'm the luckiest... | 576,658 |
A golf joke. The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had n... | 576,659 |
Three Bowling Balls A US Marine is left in a sealed room with 3 bowling balls. 24 hours later they open the room to find only 2 bowling balls left in the room, one is shattered to pieces, the other is full of cum.
Which goes to show you, a Marine who is bored is going to lose something, break something or fuck some... | 576,660 |
Dressing Warm A British guy is bustling about the house, getting ready to head out to an championship football match when he tells his wife, ‘Get your jacket, hat, and gloves on!’
The wife, delighted that her husband may finally be taking her out and including her in his activities, asks, ‘Are you taking me to the foo... | 576,661 |
How do you catch a bear? You first dig a hole. Then fill it up with ash from your fireplace. Since bears love peas grab a frozen bag from the store and surround the hole with frozen peas then wait. When the bear comes around and bends down to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole. | 576,662 |
A patatoe is walking down a hallway When suddenly he Stubbs his toe and screams "OUCH I stubbed my potaTOES"
| 576,663 |
What do you call a Pakistani with a vest on? Going to the gym,
You.
Racist. | 576,664 |
What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bale. | 576,665 |
Fancy Dress My mate and I decided to go to a fancy dress but he was adamant that we had to go dressed as Tom Chaplin and Jesse Quin.
I wasn't very Keane on the idea. | 576,666 |
What is the best remedy for cough? A laxative. | 576,667 |
What did one saggy boob say to the other one? You know, if we don't get a lift, people will think we're nuts. | 576,668 |
I want my last words to be.. I want my last words to be " hold my beer and watch this shit!" | 576,669 |
Russia's Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off
Step 2. Stalin
Step 3. Russian to finish | 576,670 |
What does a former terrorist playboy say to the officer interrogating him? "Look, officer, I may be wearing a turban, and I may have a gun on me, but I ain't Bin Laiden years!" | 576,671 |
Are jokes about Islam funny? Absolutely, they're a blast. | 576,672 |
After my prostate exam... After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.
At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?" | 576,673 |
What is Kanye West's least favorite holiday? Easter | 576,674 |
Since the amazing rescue of the sailor found at sea after 66 days ........ ........... is there any news on the tiger, hyena, zebra and orangutan? | 576,675 |
What's worse than biting an apple and finding a worm? biting an apple and finding half a worm | 576,676 |
How do we know that Jesus was made of bread? Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen. | 576,677 |
A priest, a child abuser and just plain pedophile went to a bar. And he ordered one drink. | 576,678 |
What do you call homosexual Israelites? Fruit Jews | 576,679 |
A pirate walks into a bar.. So, this pirate walks into a bar to have a drink.
The barkeeper looks at him and says: "Sir, do you know that you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"
>Says the pirate: "Ayy, it's driving me nuts!" | 576,680 |
One of my dad's favorites about flying "You know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than submarines in the sky. They have never left one up there." | 576,681 |
What is the difference between a pack of pygmies and a girls track team? The pack of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts. | 576,682 |
Bob Dylan's story about East Orange New Jersey (from his Gaslight '61 recordings). I can imagine Norm Macdonald telling this. "First time I ever worked in East Orange New Jersey - folks, never go to East Orange New Jersey. It's a horrible town. I went there to play in a coffeehouse in East Orange New Jersey.
It wa... | 576,683 |
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. | 576,684 |
Why can't Jesus eat m&ms? they keep falling through. If you aren't offended. Swap out black Jesus and skittles.
Happy Easter. | 576,686 |
He said WHAT to the Pope? (an oldie but goodie in honor of Easter week) This guy manages to get an "audience" with the Pope in Rome, but when he finally gets in front of the Pope, he just says "Fuck you".
Well, the whole room falls completely silent - no one has ever heard anyone say "Fuck you" to the Pope.
B... | 576,687 |
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. | 576,688 |
What did the egg say when asked what a whisk does? Beats me. | 576,689 |
What do Canadian aliens say all the time? ehh lmao
I'm actually Canadian meself... | 576,690 |
There's a 600lbs. fat guy in a bad neighborhood. He knocks on the door. A slot opens with two eyes looking at him. "What the fuck ya want?" "Big Moe wanna get fucked." "Slide $500 under the door." He slides the money under the door. BAM! The slot closes. Nothing happens. He beats on the door again. The slot opens back ... | 576,691 |
Why are gay people so fashionable? Because they spend so long in the closet. | 576,692 |
Why doesn't the Easter Bunny make noise when he has sex? Because he has Cottonballs | 576,693 |
What did John Lennon say when he got egg shells in his cake? Yolko Oh-no | 576,694 |
Which eggs are the best for Easter? Empty ones
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) | 576,695 |
NATURAL DEATH In a court, a murder case was brought to a
judge...
JUDGE: Did you kill this man?
ME: No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of
lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is
part of nature. He died of natural causes.
JUDGE: Case closed. | 576,696 |
A list of My favourite One Liner Jokes.. Add your favourites as well. ** i'll add more One liners here in the comments**
1. If she gives you head while you play video games, wife that girl.
2. My wife has brownish yellow eyes.
They appear to be healing nicely.
3. She just had some D if she came out the room with a b... | 576,697 |
Why did Will die? Because the commanding officer told his soldiers: "Fire at will" | 576,698 |
Ice cream van man found dead on the floor of his ice cream van, covered in sprinkles and raspberry sauce Police are not treating the death as suspicious.
They believe he topped himself. | 576,699 |
I want to tattoo "platform 9 and 3/4" over my ass 'cause you wouldn't think you'd get in there but you can
Edit:words | 576,700 |
Mom thinks I run google :D [Mom thinks I run google - My Funny Mom](http://www.etcpb.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Mom-thinks-I-run-google.jpg) | 576,701 |
A woman went into a bar in Texas... A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady! Why don't you come on o... | 576,702 |
Punny Phrase I have a friend on a sports team and his name is bjorn so we made a poster saying "It's not delivery, it bjorno" and I was wondering if anyone could make a similar phrase with some other names on our team we have. Some include Shayan, Chandler, Anna, Paulina, Jonah, Matt, Silvan, Maya, Sancia, Karsen, Juli... | 576,703 |
Heard N.W.A., now obese and older, was coming out with a new album. It's called "Straight Outta Walmart." | 576,704 |
What's it called if women in heaven still menstruate? A grace period. | 576,705 |
A giraffe walks into a bar... A giraffe walks into a bar, orders 6 vodkas and shame on you for expecting a punch line.
This giraffe needs help. | 576,706 |
A girl came up to me yesterday and told me she had constipation. I replied - 'no shit'. | 576,707 |
Why is Helium so trustworthy? Because HE's noble. | 576,708 |
How does Harry Potter get down a hill? By walking, J. K. Rowling!
EDIT:I screwed up lol | 576,709 |
I saw the Fast and the Furious 7 today... What has more brains then Paul Walker?
The steering wheel... | 576,710 |
Susan froze to death. She was cremated
It's what she would have wanted. | 576,711 |
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the st... | 576,712 |
Lost in the Himalayas Deep in the Himalayas, a hiker has been travelling for days, trying to find his way back down. Just as he's about to call it quits and give up, he spots a Buddhist monastery just a little ways ahead. When he gets to the monastery, one of the monks comes out to greet him.
"Hello," said the monk, "... | 576,713 |
I met a girl in the park today who proved that fat girls really do try harder... She put up a valiant effort, but that amount of chloroform would have put a rhino down. | 576,714 |
What do you get from a frozen zombie? Frost bite. ;D | 576,715 |
Two guys were picked up by the cops... Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking weed and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug ... | 576,716 |
Gf - baby im wet... Gf - baby im wet.
Me - want a paper towel?
Gf - no, i want more than that ;)
Me - want 2 paper towels?
Gf - no, baby i want something big and round ;)
Me - damn you want the whole roll? | 576,717 |
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A wooly jumper. | 576,718 |
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