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I had a brain scan, and the results were negative. The doctors couldn't find a brain. | 576,618 |
Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
#DadJokes | 576,619 |
I turned into a cat earlier Don't ask meow | 576,620 |
What do call a 5 person orgy of only black people? A threesome. | 576,621 |
My drug dealer sold me some shoes the other day... ...I dont know what he laced them with but Ive been tripping all day. | 576,622 |
Shakespeare was a good sport... He ended all his sonnets with gg. | 576,623 |
How do you know if you have skin cancer? You die from skin cancer and come back as a ghost to study the autopsy report. | 576,624 |
Truth Assessing Robot A father gave his son a robot. "The robot is always able to tell if you're speaking the truth. If you lie, the robot will slap you."
One night the son comes home really late. The dad asks, "Where were you?"
"At the library." Bam! The son gets slapped.
"Where were you really?"
"At the movies."
"What movie were you watching?"
"Ten commandments." Bam! He gets slapped again.
"What movie were you really watching?"
The son gets on his knees. "I'm sorry dad, I was watching an adult movie."
The dad gets angry. "When I was a kid, I never did that kind of stuff!" Bam! The dad gets slapped.
The mom walks in. "You two are so a like there's no doubt you're father and son." Bam! She gets slapped. | 576,625 |
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip | 576,626 |
A man walks a little girl into the woods at night. The girl begins to tremble and says, "I'm scared."
"You're scared," the man replies abrasively, "I have to walk out of here by myself." | 576,627 |
A Medieval Escort I've been down on my luck, but today I was finally offered a job as a medieval escort. Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights. | 576,628 |
What is green, fuzzy, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree A pool table | 576,629 |
I used poo to wash my hair. What a sham! Poo doesn't work at all! | 576,630 |
A man walks a little girl into the woods at night. The girl begins to tremble and says, "I'm scared." "You're scared," the man replies abrasively, "I have to walk out of here by myself." | 576,631 |
I was offered a job working as medieval escort. Unfortunately, I turned it down because I would have to work fucking knights. | 576,632 |
A plane was going down.... A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to crash in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this" | 576,633 |
I've been offered a job as a medieval escort. Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.
[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/31epih/what_have_you_been_most_tempted_to_do_but_never/cq0v158?context=1) (It needed a wider audience than buried in an AskReddit thread.) | 576,634 |
What do you get when you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole at Easter? Hot Cross Bunnies! | 576,635 |
What do Iron man and Sarah Palin have in common? They both had a little Downey inside of them. | 576,636 |
I wanted to tell a really grizzly joke on this subreddit.... Then I thought you guys won't be able to bear it. | 576,637 |
What's one good thing about Switzerland? Well I guess the flag's a big plus | 576,638 |
How do you make a Welshman fall asleep? Ask him how much sex he's had in his lifetime. | 576,639 |
How many dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two; one to hold the bulb and the other to serve him beer until the room starts spinning. | 576,640 |
i started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago. since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful. | 576,641 |
What do you call a horse getting carried away with a magic marker? A zebra. | 576,642 |
A priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says: "What is this, some kinda joke?" | 576,643 |
What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog | 576,644 |
I called the rape support hotline last night. Apparently it is only for victims. | 576,645 |
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke. The joke wasn’t there because it was busy parking the car | 576,646 |
Never throw a battery at someone You'll get charged with battery | 576,647 |
How's the fruit? Just peachy. | 576,648 |
Did you know... Jesus invented cross-training | 576,649 |
Rape jokes aren't funny. They're always forced. | 576,650 |
So a guy walks into a library... ...and asks if the librarian if they have any books about suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back." | 576,651 |
Why wasn't Boy George any good at English? because he always put 5 commas before chameleon. | 576,652 |
A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week: A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even an error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!”
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
“The word was—CELEBRATE!”
[Source, but it is an old joke](http://ijboudreaux.com/2014/12/08/missing-letter-r/) | 576,653 |
THe newiest Knock Knock joke I heard. - Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- First pilot.
hopefully not too soon
| 576,654 |
What's a Polygon? A dead parrot. | 576,655 |
The elephants island (canadian joke) An american, a jew, a frenchman and a canadian are marooned on a desert island with elephants.
Some days later, a container washes ashore. The container is full of pencils and paper. So every maroonee decides to write a book about their experience.
A year later, they are rescued, and each take their manuscript to their publisher.
The american wrote “**My life with the elephants**”.
The french wrote “**The sex life of elephants**”.
The jew wrote “**The elephant and the jewish problem**”.
The canadian wrote “**The elephant: is it a federal or provincial responsibility?**”. | 576,656 |
A bunch of coworkers approached me and asked if I was gay... So I told them, "My pen is with her at the moment." | 576,657 |
A guy is walking through Ireland... A guy is walking through Ireland when he gets stopped by a knife-wielding thug. The thug holds the blade against the man's neck and says "Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?
Thinking fast the man replies "Neither, I'm Jewish". The thug smiles with joy and says "I'm the luckiest Palestinian in all of Belfast". | 576,658 |
A golf joke. The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
| 576,659 |
Three Bowling Balls A US Marine is left in a sealed room with 3 bowling balls. 24 hours later they open the room to find only 2 bowling balls left in the room, one is shattered to pieces, the other is full of cum.
Which goes to show you, a Marine who is bored is going to lose something, break something or fuck something. | 576,660 |
Dressing Warm A British guy is bustling about the house, getting ready to head out to an championship football match when he tells his wife, ‘Get your jacket, hat, and gloves on!’
The wife, delighted that her husband may finally be taking her out and including her in his activities, asks, ‘Are you taking me to the football match?’
He stops dead in his tracks. ‘Heck no. After I leave I’m shutting off the heat.’ “ | 576,661 |
How do you catch a bear? You first dig a hole. Then fill it up with ash from your fireplace. Since bears love peas grab a frozen bag from the store and surround the hole with frozen peas then wait. When the bear comes around and bends down to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole. | 576,662 |
A patatoe is walking down a hallway When suddenly he Stubbs his toe and screams "OUCH I stubbed my potaTOES"
| 576,663 |
What do you call a Pakistani with a vest on? Going to the gym,
You.
Racist. | 576,664 |
What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bale. | 576,665 |
Fancy Dress My mate and I decided to go to a fancy dress but he was adamant that we had to go dressed as Tom Chaplin and Jesse Quin.
I wasn't very Keane on the idea. | 576,666 |
What is the best remedy for cough? A laxative. | 576,667 |
What did one saggy boob say to the other one? You know, if we don't get a lift, people will think we're nuts. | 576,668 |
I want my last words to be.. I want my last words to be " hold my beer and watch this shit!" | 576,669 |
Russia's Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off
Step 2. Stalin
Step 3. Russian to finish | 576,670 |
What does a former terrorist playboy say to the officer interrogating him? "Look, officer, I may be wearing a turban, and I may have a gun on me, but I ain't Bin Laiden years!" | 576,671 |
Are jokes about Islam funny? Absolutely, they're a blast. | 576,672 |
After my prostate exam... After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.
At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?" | 576,673 |
What is Kanye West's least favorite holiday? Easter | 576,674 |
Since the amazing rescue of the sailor found at sea after 66 days ........ ........... is there any news on the tiger, hyena, zebra and orangutan? | 576,675 |
What's worse than biting an apple and finding a worm? biting an apple and finding half a worm | 576,676 |
How do we know that Jesus was made of bread? Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen. | 576,677 |
A priest, a child abuser and just plain pedophile went to a bar. And he ordered one drink. | 576,678 |
What do you call homosexual Israelites? Fruit Jews | 576,679 |
A pirate walks into a bar.. So, this pirate walks into a bar to have a drink.
The barkeeper looks at him and says: "Sir, do you know that you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"
>Says the pirate: "Ayy, it's driving me nuts!" | 576,680 |
One of my dad's favorites about flying "You know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than submarines in the sky. They have never left one up there." | 576,681 |
What is the difference between a pack of pygmies and a girls track team? The pack of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts. | 576,682 |
Bob Dylan's story about East Orange New Jersey (from his Gaslight '61 recordings). I can imagine Norm Macdonald telling this. "First time I ever worked in East Orange New Jersey - folks, never go to East Orange New Jersey. It's a horrible town. I went there to play in a coffeehouse in East Orange New Jersey.
It was a chess playing coffeehouse out there. It was so bad, uh, so bad, people playing chess out there. Uh, that's all I thought about was chess and chess and chess. People come up to me, you play a song, and play a real quiet song and in the middle of the song you hear "check" and "hey they was a good move!" and all kinds of stuff like that.
And folks, it was so bad I had a little dream out there the first night I worked about this chess playing stuff. I dreamt I went to work out in East Orange New Jersey and uh by the time I quit in two days and I went there to ask the guy for my money.
I says "Can I have some money I worked two days for you" - he says "uh well okay we don't pay money around here though" - and I says "uh, yeah?" - he says "uh well," he says "uh yeah we pay chess men." - I said "uh well give me my chess men then I worked two days" - I sort of - didn't really figure - I thought he was lying at first but I took it anyway.
He gave me a king and a queen for working two days. I said fine I said okay. So I took my king and queen went down to a bar. Nearest bar I could find I walked in the bar and I ordered a pint. I got in the bar. Bartender I says "Can I have a pint?" I'll be damned if he didn't give me a pint.
He uh, asked me for the money. I gave him my king and queen. I'll be damned. He took took that king and queen, threw them under the counter and brought me out four pawns, two bishops and a rook for change. That's a story about East Orange New Jersey." | 576,683 |
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. | 576,684 |
Why can't Jesus eat m&ms? they keep falling through. If you aren't offended. Swap out black Jesus and skittles.
Happy Easter. | 576,686 |
He said WHAT to the Pope? (an oldie but goodie in honor of Easter week) This guy manages to get an "audience" with the Pope in Rome, but when he finally gets in front of the Pope, he just says "Fuck you".
Well, the whole room falls completely silent - no one has ever heard anyone say "Fuck you" to the Pope.
But after a couple of seconds, the Pope simply says:
"Fuck ME? Fuck YOU! Next!" | 576,687 |
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. | 576,688 |
What did the egg say when asked what a whisk does? Beats me. | 576,689 |
What do Canadian aliens say all the time? ehh lmao
I'm actually Canadian meself... | 576,690 |
There's a 600lbs. fat guy in a bad neighborhood. He knocks on the door. A slot opens with two eyes looking at him. "What the fuck ya want?" "Big Moe wanna get fucked." "Slide $500 under the door." He slides the money under the door. BAM! The slot closes. Nothing happens. He beats on the door again. The slot opens back up. "What the fuck ya want?" "Big Moe wants to get fucked." The eyes say "What, AGAIN!?"
TL;DR: A fat guy gets fucked out of $500 | 576,691 |
Why are gay people so fashionable? Because they spend so long in the closet. | 576,692 |
Why doesn't the Easter Bunny make noise when he has sex? Because he has Cottonballs | 576,693 |
What did John Lennon say when he got egg shells in his cake? Yolko Oh-no | 576,694 |
Which eggs are the best for Easter? Empty ones
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) | 576,695 |
NATURAL DEATH In a court, a murder case was brought to a
judge...
JUDGE: Did you kill this man?
ME: No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of
lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is
part of nature. He died of natural causes.
JUDGE: Case closed. | 576,696 |
A list of My favourite One Liner Jokes.. Add your favourites as well. ** i'll add more One liners here in the comments**
1. If she gives you head while you play video games, wife that girl.
2. My wife has brownish yellow eyes.
They appear to be healing nicely.
3. She just had some D if she came out the room with a boy and she's walking funny!
4. It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
5. My grandfather died for me approximately 10 times.
School Memories.
6. its so hard to be positive when you're bleeding from your vagina.
7. My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family.
So I fucked her sister.
8. When it comes to women, I win every single argument using logic and reasoning.
As long as they don't show me their tits.
9. Farting when you have diahorrea.
That shows some guts.
10. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
11. Why does a gorilla always have a frown?
Cause in ten million years it will be a nigger.
12. My girlfriend's dad accused me of being a pedophile just because she's 19 and I'm 33
Really ruined our 10th anniversary.
13. What's the fastest animal on earth?
A chicken in Ethiopia.
14. For me the hardest part of my grandfather's death was making it look like an accident.
15. I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."
I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.
16. Why do jews hate Hitler?
Because he sent them the gas bill.
17. What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a women's mouth?
Einstein's cock.
18. What do you say to a girl with small tits?
NOTHING.
19. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
20. Halloween week is the one time you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
21. The best way to prepare cauliflower is to throw it in the trash and order a delicious pizza.
22. My brother was a victim of his own success.
His trophy cabinet collapsed on him.
23. I saw the woman who's in that wrinkle removal cream advert at a party. I asked her what her secret really is.
"I'm twenty two", she said.
24. I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a black guy on the rowing machine.
He didn't like being whipped.
25. My brother got hit by a bus and had both of his legs amputated.
Now he's my Half-Brother. | 576,697 |
Why did Will die? Because the commanding officer told his soldiers: "Fire at will" | 576,698 |
Ice cream van man found dead on the floor of his ice cream van, covered in sprinkles and raspberry sauce Police are not treating the death as suspicious.
They believe he topped himself. | 576,699 |
I want to tattoo "platform 9 and 3/4" over my ass 'cause you wouldn't think you'd get in there but you can
Edit:words | 576,700 |
Mom thinks I run google :D [Mom thinks I run google - My Funny Mom](http://www.etcpb.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Mom-thinks-I-run-google.jpg) | 576,701 |
A woman went into a bar in Texas... A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!"
The woman wanted to find out
for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Aitn't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit." | 576,702 |
Punny Phrase I have a friend on a sports team and his name is bjorn so we made a poster saying "It's not delivery, it bjorno" and I was wondering if anyone could make a similar phrase with some other names on our team we have. Some include Shayan, Chandler, Anna, Paulina, Jonah, Matt, Silvan, Maya, Sancia, Karsen, Julian, Angela, and Lauralei. | 576,703 |
Heard N.W.A., now obese and older, was coming out with a new album. It's called "Straight Outta Walmart." | 576,704 |
What's it called if women in heaven still menstruate? A grace period. | 576,705 |
A giraffe walks into a bar... A giraffe walks into a bar, orders 6 vodkas and shame on you for expecting a punch line.
This giraffe needs help. | 576,706 |
A girl came up to me yesterday and told me she had constipation. I replied - 'no shit'. | 576,707 |
Why is Helium so trustworthy? Because HE's noble. | 576,708 |
How does Harry Potter get down a hill? By walking, J. K. Rowling!
EDIT:I screwed up lol | 576,709 |
I saw the Fast and the Furious 7 today... What has more brains then Paul Walker?
The steering wheel... | 576,710 |
Susan froze to death. She was cremated
It's what she would have wanted. | 576,711 |
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror. "
| 576,712 |
Lost in the Himalayas Deep in the Himalayas, a hiker has been travelling for days, trying to find his way back down. Just as he's about to call it quits and give up, he spots a Buddhist monastery just a little ways ahead. When he gets to the monastery, one of the monks comes out to greet him.
"Hello," said the monk, "I am Brother Singh. What brings you all the way here to our monastery?"
"Well," said the hiker, "I've been wandering for days, trying to find a way off the mountains. I've had no luck, though... I'm hopelessly lost."
"You should come inside, we'll get you some food and water and a blanket to warm up. We're having a feast later on tonight as well, feel free to come."
Not one to refuse an offer like this, the hiker goes inside. Later that evening, Brother Singh brings him to the feast. The first thing the hiker notices when he arrives is that some of the monks are standing up, saying numbers, and then the monks all burst out laughing.
"Brother Singh, why is it that everyone is cracking up at these numbers?" he asks.
"You see, all the monks here are only allowed to speak on one day each year - that day is today. They also love to tell jokes, so we numbered the jokes so that we can save time telling them all. You should give it a try!"
After contemplating for a moment, the hiker stands up and says "372."
The monks all break out in immense laughter, rolling on the floor and pounding on the tables.
"What... What was so funny?" the hiker asks.
"Well, they've never heard that one." | 576,713 |
I met a girl in the park today who proved that fat girls really do try harder... She put up a valiant effort, but that amount of chloroform would have put a rhino down. | 576,714 |
What do you get from a frozen zombie? Frost bite. ;D | 576,715 |
Two guys were picked up by the cops... Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking weed and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 15 people to give up drugs forever."
"15 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 159 people to give up drugs forever."
"159 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...." | 576,716 |
Gf - baby im wet... Gf - baby im wet.
Me - want a paper towel?
Gf - no, i want more than that ;)
Me - want 2 paper towels?
Gf - no, baby i want something big and round ;)
Me - damn you want the whole roll? | 576,717 |
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A wooly jumper. | 576,718 |
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