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Why does Popeye have the perfect dick? Because he's always dipping it in Olive Oyl. | 576,822 |
Johnny goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned... Johnny goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Babineaux?
"Yes, Father it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
Johnny says, "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Comeaux?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Olivier?"
"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Prejean?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Prudhomme, then?"
"Please, Father," Johnny pleaded, "I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Babineaux and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Jack slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
Johnny replies, "Four months vacation and five good leads.." | 576,823 |
And it was at this time during the darkest days of Christianity... that as he was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body he looked down wearily at his 12 apostles and speaking softly with his last gasping breath said unto them. . . . . .
Don’t touch my fucking Easter eggs I’ll be back on Monday. | 576,824 |
My wife called me from her work today... My wife called me from her work today, and asked "Can you pick me up? And bring some clean pants, I've had a little accident."
It turned out the clean pants were for me, because I shit myself when I saw the car parked in her office wall. | 576,825 |
What did on western cheese say to the other? You gouda bounty on your head. You cheddar be here when I get back. | 576,826 |
Because it's funny! What do you call a stripper you pay with noodles?
A PASTATUTE!!! | 576,827 |
Earrings Did you ever wonder why
earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one
day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring.
The man knows his
co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and
is curious about his
sudden change in "fashion sense"
The man walks up to him
and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big
deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent
for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to ask, "So,
how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife
found it in my truck."
I had always
wondered how this trend got started. | 576,828 |
I Told my wife I lost 10 pounds in a hour The She said "Sweety, we call them Dollars here" | 576,829 |
How to mess with people To REALLY mess with people, try drinking Gatorade from a Windex bottle. | 576,830 |
How are women like 90 degrees? They're always right. | 576,831 |
My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English > A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
> -Oh! We are students!
> -No, only I am.
Not 100% sure if I translated it well, improvements welcome: | 576,832 |
I don't believe in ghosts. They're always lying to me. | 576,833 |
AIR & SEX Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. | 576,834 |
If a Lesbian "Cock-Blocks" another Lesbian.... is that considered a beaver dam? | 576,835 |
I met the girl of my dreams, but it turned out she was my cousin... Lesson learned: Don't flirt at family reunions | 576,836 |
Knock knock Who's there?
The pilot, let me in. | 576,837 |
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick. | 576,838 |
What do you call it when your Stepmother poops? A Step-Stool | 576,839 |
Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust? He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans.
*You love it.* | 576,840 |
I don't understand hair It's just over my head. | 576,841 |
How do you get to East Berlin Take the third right | 576,842 |
I'm in hiding from exercise. It's called the fitness protection program. | 576,843 |
Life is like choclate Bitter if you're dark | 576,844 |
Spider got AXEd I sprayed a spider with AXE body spray to kill it but now its name is chad and he s fucking all the girl spiders in the house. | 576,845 |
What's the difference between a white Jew and a black Jew? The black Jew has to sit in the back of the gas chamber. | 576,846 |
The Gay Magician Hey, Did you hear about the gay magician?........... He pulled a rabbit out of his ass! | 576,847 |
Your mummy joke Your mummers so fat when she put on a beqeny everyone screams
Godzilla | 576,848 |
So I ended up sleeping on a bench last night... ...no hobo. | 576,849 |
Why were the Native Americans upset when it rained in April? Because April showers, bring May flowers! | 576,850 |
What do you call the Easter Bunny with fleas? Bugs Bunny | 576,851 |
Gravity Without it, we would just have gravy. | 576,852 |
The coffin maker A coffin maker was on his way to deliver one of his coffins when his car broke down.
Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some easy money off him (bribe) so they challenged him, "Hey, what are you carrying and where are you going?"
The man replied, "I didn't like where I was buried, so I am relocating."
The policemen fainted. | 576,854 |
A woman decided she wanted breast enhancement surgery and found a plastic surgeon to do the job She then told her husband that it would make her look much better and only cost $3000. $3000!!! he exploded, we can't afford that! Why don't you just get some toilet paper and rub it up and down between your breasts for a few months. "What will that do?" she screamed. He yelled back "I don't know, but it worked wonders for your rear end!"
After counseling, they now agree it is time to bury the hatchet. They disagree whether it should be in his chest or hers. | 576,855 |
I like to play with words But there are only so many things you can do with a dictionary. | 576,856 |
Did you hear about... ...the new WSPA building downtown? The offices are so small, you couldn't swing a cat in there! | 576,857 |
What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common? the harder you hit 'em the more english you get | 576,858 |
Most women are not attracted to short men just like most men are not attracted to fat women. Man: That's not fair. One can lose weight but other one can't stretch in height.
Woman: There is always an option for [distraction osteogenesis](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Distraction_osteogenesis) \^_^ | 576,859 |
Why are photos in Latvia always such good quality? There's no such thing as potato quality there. | 576,860 |
A man and woman on their honeymoon A man and woman are on their honeymoon doing a horseback trip through the Grand Canyon. The ride is going well until the horse gets spooked by some shadows and comes to an instant stop, jostling the lovebirds a little. The man is annoyed by this and gives the horse a hard smack on the back of it's head saying "horse, that's 1". His new wife finds this a little strange and asks what that was about but he only replied she needn't worry about it.
An hour passes and everything is going good until some rocks fall a little ways ahead and scare the horse worse than the first time, almost throwing the newlyweds off. The man is far more annoyed than the first time so he gets off the horse and punches it as hard as he can in the face and says "horse, that's 2". The woman is slightly more concerned now and asks what he meant. Again the husband replies not to worry about it.
Some more time passes and the weather turns a bit and the sky goes dark. There's a loud clap of thunder from the distance and this really scares the horse who rears up on it's hind legs throwing the riders off, but thankfully no one was hurt. The man is furious now though. He pulls out a revolver he's carrying, walks to the horse and says " horse, that's fucking three" and shoots the horse in the head.
The woman sees all this and starts freaking out. She's hysterical, screaming and crying, calling him all sorts of names. The man walks over to her, puts a hand on her shoulder, looks in her eyes, and proceeds to give her the hardest slap of her life saying "woman, that's 1. | 576,861 |
Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar? They each got 6 months. | 576,862 |
I have Electile Dysfunction Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2016 election year. | 576,863 |
Do you want to hear a potassium joke? K. I was going to tell you a sodium joke but Na. | 576,864 |
A foot and a penis are having a conversation... The foot says, "I have such a terrible life. Every day I get shoved into a smelly sock and shoe and have to work all day supporting our master."
The penis replies, "You think you have it bad, huh? Every day I get a bag pulled over my head and I'm forced to do push-ups inside a dark, wet cave until I throw up!" | 576,865 |
A guy calls KFC Guy: Hello
KFC: This is KFC
Guy: Is chicken available?
KFC: Yes.
Guy: May I speak to chicken?
**This is actually based on an Indonesian comedian's video he posted on instagrma in which he called KFC as a prank. | 576,866 |
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..." | 576,867 |
Want to lose 10 pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head. | 576,868 |
What do Germans say when you show them a meme? Danke. | 576,869 |
"Grandma, may i play with your tits?" "Sure, honey! Just don't run away too far!" | 576,870 |
Did you hear about the fire at the flame retardant textile manufacturer? Someone left the irony on... | 576,871 |
What did the necrophiliac have at the funeral Mourning wood | 576,872 |
(Translated from my mother tongue) What does a man do when he wants to end a marriage passively? He tries finding the expiration date on the marriage cirtifficate | 576,873 |
Easter Weekend Wife: Honey, what's for Easter?
Hubby: Same plan as Jesus. Disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday. | 576,874 |
Celebrating Good Friday by honoring Jesus aka doing the same thing he did today and hanging with my Bros. | 576,875 |
My English friend offered my some tea... ... but I told him: "No thanks. Tea isn't my cup of tea." | 576,876 |
The longest joke in the world it's actually longer than allowed on reddit so here's a link: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/ | 576,877 |
Husband to wife: Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery? Wife: I'd divorce you and take half the money
Husband: Well I won $10, here's your 5, now fuck off! | 576,878 |
Judas: Still on for friday? "Jesus: friday?"
"Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper."
"Jesus: The what?"
"Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas." | 576,879 |
Rick Astley will let you borrow any pixar movie in his collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up. | 576,880 |
Why was the doctor so stressed out? He lost his patients... | 576,881 |
What do you call that part of the pharmacy where they keep the condoms, birth-control pills, etc.? The Contrasection. | 576,882 |
My ex was like a computer game. Started off easy, got a little harder and eventually I ended up cheating. | 576,883 |
When hiking in Grizzly Bear country Always wear small bells warning of your approach to avoid alarming the bears so they do not become aggressive. Additionally, carry pepper spray for your defense. You can tell you are in Grizzly bear country by their scat or poop. Grizzly bear scat is easily identified because it smells like pepper and has small bells in it. | 576,884 |
Why didn't Jesus cross the road? Because you can't cross a road when your nailed to a cross | 576,885 |
FROG'S DREAM GIRL A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In biology class." | 576,886 |
The Blind Man "Ah, I see," said the blind man as he spat into the wind.
"It's all coming back to me now." | 576,887 |
[NSFW] What is the best thing about gaffer tape ? It turns "no, no, no" into "mmm, mmm, mmm" | 576,888 |
Two Men And A Woman From Different Countries Get Stranded... On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
• 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
• 2 French men and 1 French woman
• 2 German men and 1 German woman
• 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
• 2 English men and 1 English woman
• 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
• 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
• 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
• 2 American men and 1 American woman
• 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. | 576,889 |
ADDING BLONDE Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
| 576,890 |
These gay jokes have got to stop Cum on guys | 576,891 |
If you live in Russia... .. then you must've picked "HARD MODE" at birth. | 576,892 |
Seal loses electron Did you hear about the seal that lost an electron?
It's now a seal ion. | 576,893 |
Two Russian Friends Two Russian friends talking, one says:
"My wife is seeing Putin in her dreams!"
His friend asks:
"What did you do about it?"
"Well, I told her she should stop having these kinds of dreams, and you know what? Yesterday I saw a General of KGB in my dream and he told me that I should mind my own business." | 576,894 |
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. | 576,895 |
What's the difference between your Pacman high score and your child? I haven't beaten your high score. | 576,896 |
If the USSR were to become a country again... ...would it be called the Soviet Reunion? | 576,898 |
Sunday Church A few minutes before the church services started the congregation was sitting in the pews and talking. Suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute.' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep.' was the calm reply.
'And you still are not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope.' said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.' | 576,899 |
What shatters faster than your smartphone screen? A newborn with osteoporosis. | 576,900 |
Hedgehogs... I don't know why hedgehogs think that rolling into a ball is a good defence mechanism.
I wasn't going to kick it before. | 576,901 |
Two drums and a symbol fall off a cliff. Bud dum tsss | 576,902 |
I invited my black colleague over for dinner last night. I invited my black colleague over for dinner last night.
In preparation, I told my wife to cut and fry a lot of chickens. He's black, I figured that's what the fuckers eat.
During dinner, he sat down, stared at his food and said, "You're really a racist cunt, you know that, right?"
I said, "Why, what's wrong with the chicken?"
"You lot were given plates. Why's mine in a dog's bowl?" | 576,903 |
My first job was a dishwasher at the National Radar Company Turns out the dishes were a lot larger than I first thought | 576,904 |
Why do Brides wear white? To match the rest of the household appliances. | 576,905 |
How does Furious 7 end? Paul Walker dies. | 576,906 |
Federer vs. Nadal Goodmonson:
Seventeen Grand Slams. You can't argue with that. Federer's the greatest of all time.
Harry Harryman:
You can't be the greatest if you always lose to the guy who's supposed to be the second greatest. Federer's great but Nadal is the greatest.
Steve Bytheway:
There's an easy way to settle this debate. Nadal likes clay while Federer likes grass, right?
Harry Harryman:
Yes.
Steve Bytheway:
So who's the goat? | 576,907 |
How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Stick a nipple on it. | 576,909 |
What did Iron say to Silver after 30 years? You haven't AG-ed a bit. | 576,910 |
CHRISTIAN DRUGS Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!" | 576,911 |
Nerd Joke A joke told by my physics professor when doing map transformations.
A physicist and an engineer are in an experiment. They put them in a room with a pot, a sink and a stove and tell them to boil water.
The engineer fills the pot, puts it on the stove and boils the water.
The physicist does the same.
Now they put them in the same room with a full pot of water.
The engineer puts the pot on the stove.
The physicist spends 15 minutes looking at the pot, dumps the water out and goes, "NOW THIS IS A PROBLEM I'VE SEEN BEFORE!" | 576,912 |
What is the difference between walking a dog in America and China? The spelling. | 576,913 |
THE BUS DRIVER A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!" | 576,914 |
I asked my boyfriend if I brought Joy to his life... "Yes," he said.
"I knew it," I said, "That backstabbing bitch!" | 576,915 |
I wanted to make a "two drums and a cymbal fall off of a cliff" joke, but um... ...tsh. | 576,916 |
Drill Sgt didn't like me giving unlicensed chiropractic adjustments to the platoon when he told me... Get your hands off my privates! | 576,917 |
My friend told me he lost 87 pounds and he's really mad about it. British people be crazy | 576,918 |
My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?" My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"
I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Bob. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."
"I don't fucking believe you!" he shouted.
"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Bob, isn't this my fourth can?" | 576,919 |
Wanna here a funny joke? Women's rights. | 576,920 |
Hey man, just be yourself! Not like that though. | 576,921 |
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me... I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate." | 576,922 |
Three friends meet up at the office, all hungover from the night before. Bill says "Oh man. I feel so sick guys. I was so drunk last night that I forgot to call a cab. I ended up trying to drive home and got pulled over. The cop gave me a DUI and I ended up staying the night in jail."
Tom replied "That's not so bad. I was so drunk last night that I barely managed to stumble home. I crawled up the stairs into bed with my wife. Later while I was asleep I heard her scream. I thought maybe someone broke into the house. I looked over to her, and she wasn't my wife. She grabbed a baseball bat and chased me out of the house. I had to go to the hospital to get stitches."
Bob said "Guys, that's not as bad as the night I had. I was so drunk that I stumbled home, went into the bedroom and blew Chunks on the bed."
The two other guys look at each other, and Bill says "Hey Bob, that doesn't sound too bad. At least you didn't get arrested."
"Yeah," said Tom. "All you need to do is laundry, not pay a large hospital bill."
"Guys," shouted Bob, "Chunks is my dog." | 576,923 |
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads. | 576,924 |
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