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My mom told me this joke the first time she met my gf. What are three 2 letter words meaning small?
Is it in? | 576,719 |
Don't you hate it when you're peeing and someone starts talking to you? It's like, keep your mouth open or it all goes to waste. | 576,720 |
Thehehehehehehehheheheheheh Boys go to college to get more knowledge, and girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider. | 576,721 |
Did you hear about that glacier off the coast of Italy? It was a Romaine Iceberg | 576,722 |
What do you call a circus full of mean people? A jerkus. | 576,723 |
Where's the best place to hide money from a Mexican? Under a bar of soap. | 576,724 |
What does a woman have in common with a KFC meal? Once your are done with the juicy breasts and tender thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to throw your bone in. | 576,725 |
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.
| 576,726 |
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyedeer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyedeer
What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or testicles?
Still no fucking eyedeer... | 576,727 |
I was approached by a lady today... I was approached by a lady today. She offered me sex if I advertise a product on reddit. Naturally, I declined because my morals are very strong. Miracle Spray strong. From the kitchen to the bathroom and everywhere in between, Miracle Spray disinfectant is formulated to tackle your ... | 576,728 |
Franks sees Bob down by the water fishing one afternoon... Frank: "Hey Bob, what are you doing down here?"
Bob: "Just fishing, you know how much I like to fish."
Frank: "Didn't you get married today?"
Bob: "Sure did, she's a keeper, couldn't be happier."
Frank: "Well, uh... not to get too personal, but shouldn't you... | 576,729 |
Welcome to the BBC. Rape all the children you like, just don't punch a producer.
| 576,730 |
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? So that no one find out he fucks chickens. | 576,731 |
Never tell a joke to a kleptomaniac They take things literally | 576,732 |
Why did the blond not come out of the shower? Because the bottle said to lather, rinse, and repeat. | 576,733 |
Master List for Easter Dad Jokes Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs? From Eggplants
Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!
What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days.
What kind of bunny can’t hop? A chocolate one!
Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a littl... | 576,734 |
Two Peanuts were Walking though the Park and one was a salted. | 576,735 |
What do you call a haughty criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending. | 576,736 |
Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? [NSFW] He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens! | 576,737 |
What do you call a piece of spaghetti that steals people's identities? An impasta! | 576,738 |
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes -WHAM!- "FUCK!"
A bad skydiver goes "FUCK!" -WHAM!- | 576,739 |
My friend went to the doctor... because he woke up and his penis was orange. The doctor took one look at it and said,"John you've been watching porn and eating cheetos again haven't you?" | 576,740 |
Question: what is your best comeback to being called a motherf****r? examples: yes I did fuck your mom. Tell her hi.
Tell her thanks for the crabs.
Tell her I want the money she owes me. | 576,741 |
What do you call an all black sorority? A minority | 576,742 |
Anchored off Taronga Zoo Sydney... ...you can watch the animals on the beach at night. I get up around midnight to take a wizz off the side of the boat.
There are two elephants on the shore looking out at me one of them says to the other.
"How do these humans survive with such short trunks?"
-In memory of my Grandpa ... | 576,743 |
What did the cheese vendor say to the robber? "Hey! That's nacho cheese!" | 576,744 |
How did the man get the woman into the pool club? He snooker in! | 576,745 |
BLACK AND BROWN Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher. | 576,747 |
Did you hear about the man that lost half of his body? He's all right now. | 576,748 |
Why is it bad to be an egg? * You only get laid and eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard and only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your home with 11 other guys.
* The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. | 576,749 |
An octopus is in a bar and says he's a great musician. An Englishman points to the piano and says, "Let's see."
The octopus plays Mozart flawlessly.
An American hands him a guitar and says, "try this."
The octopus plays Hendrix perfectly.
An Irishman hands him bagpipes and says, "how about these, lad?"
The octopus ... | 576,750 |
What do you call a Rhinoceros mixed with a Rooster? A horny cock. | 576,751 |
Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year! | 576,752 |
BREAKING NEWS: A small, four-seater Cessna has crashed into the Smithville cemetery... Emergency crews have recovered 236 bodies so far, with more expected as rescue efforts continue into tomorrow. | 576,753 |
Why do cannibals hate Pentecostals? Because they're always throwing up their hands. | 576,754 |
An Asian who couldn't speak English came to America... Upon arrival, he met a vocalist. The vocalist quickly found that the Asian man could not speak English. He could only ask 'How can I speak English?' The vocalist recited 'me me me me me me me'.
The Asian man said it aloud, and continued on his way.
The next person ... | 576,755 |
You know what? It's been a Good Friday. | 576,756 |
Knock knock... Who's there? Poo. Poo who? POOYOUMOTHAFUCKKKKKKAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! /r/unexpectedthuglife | 576,757 |
What did Anakin order from the Italian bakery? Only one cannoli.
| 576,758 |
She thought she found her high school sweetheart! I was recently sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who was in my high school class almost 50 years a... | 576,759 |
I'm terrible at telling jokes I always mess up the punch limes | 576,760 |
An Englishman, American and Jamaican live together One night they hear a crashing noise downstairs.
Presuming that they are being robbed, they look for weapons to defend themselves.
The American grabs a sturdy baseball bat.
The Englishman grabs a larger cricket bat.
The Jamaican grabs a bottle of viagra. | 576,761 |
What do you get when you minus Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear...? ... A smile ! | 576,762 |
3 tampons walking down the street .Which one says hi first? None. They're all stuck up cunts! | 576,763 |
What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!!!! | 576,764 |
Why was the egg late for work? It ova slept. | 576,765 |
If her age is on the clock then she's ready for the cock | 576,766 |
A chicken and an egg are in bed together The chicken lighting a cigarette says to the egg with a smirk, "that was fantastic". The egg pulls up the sheets and rolls over while muttering, "well that solves that question, doesn't it?" | 576,767 |
Which dinosaur named all the others? The Thesaurus | 576,768 |
Q: How do astronomers organize a party? A: They planet
Insert death threats below | 576,769 |
I am a cannibal with a new boyfriend. His name is Pablo
I'm going to make a dessert from part of his brain
I shall call it Pabloba
| 576,770 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! | 576,771 |
Why was everyone afraid of the everything bagel? Because he looked pretty seedy! | 576,772 |
what do you call a red head's problem? a ginger ail | 576,773 |
My wife texted me at lunch "Window's frozen"
"Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel" I replied.
Ten minutes later, she called back.
"We need a new computer now". | 576,774 |
They said I'd miss my family I never miss at close range. | 576,775 |
Two men walked into a bar... ... the next time they ducked.. | 576,776 |
Help me create this new joke. So I had an idea for a funny, slightly racist joke but I'm having a hard time putting it all together.
The joke revolves around the fact that "Dah-Rah Beer" sounds like "Dollar Bill" in a comically racist stereotypical Asian accent.
So I was thinking of something along the lines of a lo... | 576,777 |
What's yellow and can't swim? A school bus full of children who had bright futures. | 576,778 |
So if Jewish and born via Cesarian, For Passover do you wipe lamb's blood over the windows? | 576,779 |
I was walking by this young couple... And the husband rips a really loud fart. His wife looks at him with wide eyes and she is mortified. The husband looks at her and says, "Oh don't worry. It's just my ass talking shit behind my back again." | 576,780 |
Last year I got so hammered on Good Friday I woke up in a cave three days later | 576,781 |
Business ethics One day, Nathan Rosenberg’s son, Moishe, came to him and asks:
— Pappa, what is “business ethics”???
— Oh, Moishe, that’s something very serious. How could I explain it to you? Ah, yes. Okay. You see, business ethics comes to play when, say, one day, you are alone in the shop and a client leaves and f... | 576,782 |
Did you guys hear!? Easter is cancelled! Yep, they found the body. Go home boys. | 576,783 |
Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want anybody to know he fuc%ing the chicken | 576,784 |
Whats the difference between a pussy and a freezer? The Freezer dosen't fart when you take the meat out. | 576,785 |
I still miss my ex-girlfriend occasionally Sometimes I'll get to my hiding spot outside her bedroom window just minutes after she's left | 576,786 |
Three guys arrive at the Pearly Gates... ...(Insert your favorite racial epithets here) and encounter St. Peter. They walk towards the gate and assumed they were automatically granted admission. St. Peter stops them.
St. P: Wait wait wait right there. First, you must all answer one question. What is Easter?
The firs... | 576,787 |
A man was about to jump off a cliff... ...and before he jumped he said, "I'm doing this for Jesus Christ!"
I think he took a leap of faith. | 576,788 |
What is the difference between a cult and a religion? Popularity. | 576,789 |
What did one sock tell its other half ? Nothing, the fucker had disappeared in the dryer. | 576,790 |
fləkCHəˈwāSH(ə)n This old Asian woman moves to America and goes to the bank to exchange money. She gives the teller 100 Yen and he gives her $120 dollars. The next day she returns and gives the teller another 100 Yen and he gives her $80 dollars. She gets upset and says to the teller, "what you do to me...what you d... | 576,791 |
"Hey, Dad? Why don't you ever tell me you love me?" the dad looks at his son, smiles, and says,
"You love me." | 576,792 |
What do you call a group of singing people floating around in the ocean? An acappellago | 576,793 |
News reports say that someone stole all the toilets from the police station downtown. The cops have nothing to go on. | 576,794 |
Easter dinner discussion So this actually happened a few mins ago and i thought it was funny and that I'd share it. Pardon my terrible sense of humour.
My family was having a conversation about who was coming for dinner this weekend, and who was coming over tonight. My dad's dad recently died and hes dealing with it r... | 576,795 |
Two men are hunting together in a tree stand. One leans over to his friend and says
"Hey I can see your house from up here! I can see through the window, it looks like your wife is cheating on you with some guy."
The husband in disbelief says to the other,
"Well if you can, shoot her in the head and him in the nuts. Th... | 576,796 |
A guy says to his wife "why don't you ever tell me when you orgasm?" She replies, "I don't like ringing you at work." | 576,797 |
Blame According to popular legend, blaming someone else when the fault is really yours began in the Garden of Eden. Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent, alas for him, didn’t have a leg to stand on. | 576,798 |
Why was the Tomato blushing? Because it saw the Salad dressing. | 576,799 |
Barbara Walters and the Indian tribe Barbara Walters was doing a commentary on "The Customs of the
American Indian". After a tour of the Reservation which she was on
she wondered why the difference in the number of feathers in their
head dresses.
She asked a brave, who had but one feather in his head dress
and h... | 576,800 |
Sheldon - "I will have fries with that" Sheldon : "Leonard, here s the opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley. What do you say to a graduate of U.C Berkeley physics department ? I will have fries with that, because
his education has n't prepared him for a career in the sciences." | 576,801 |
There are 10 types of people in this world... and they all sleep with your mum! | 576,802 |
Never got so many ugly looks when I said I sleep in my socks Socks doesn't mind, he's a good dog. | 576,803 |
What's the difference between Indiana and Reddit? In Reddit, you get served no matter who you are. | 576,804 |
So a guy takes his Kia to a church And walks up to the priest and say, "Father, my car won't start and I need you to fix it."
The priest replies, "Son this is a church, not a car shop. What am I supposed to do?"
The guy turns away with a sound of disgust saying, "I was told you could help fix my Soul." | 576,806 |
Why wasn't Hamlet sad when his girlfriend drowned? He was more of a necrOpheliac anyway. | 576,807 |
All the guys complaining about my thighs touching each other... If you were this close to my vagina you'd be touching yourself too. | 576,808 |
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech. | 576,809 |
Did you hear about the sexually frustrated lawyer? He got off on a technicality. | 576,810 |
Made in Thailand Have you heard of the mountain climber from Bangkok?
He became famous as the Thai of the Eiger.
~
Who won the election for mayor of Bangkok?
It was a Thai. | 576,811 |
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
| 576,812 |
I farted today on the bus... I farted today on the bus and 4 people turned around. Felt like I was on The Voice. | 576,813 |
Um Gwalla gwalla The state senator was seeking votes for his election campaign for Congress and decided to visit the local Indian reservation. He stood in the large community hall and told the Indians what he would do for them if he was elected.
"I think the time as come when you people deserve to really control your o... | 576,814 |
An old lady standing in line at a bank machine asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over. | 576,815 |
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk. | 576,816 |
Why would Target be the worst store to run the Enterprise? Because they all wear red shirts | 576,818 |
What do you call a Whore that was shot by a sniper? 360 hoscope | 576,819 |
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines. | 576,820 |
A man was arrested at Kennedy Airport today... At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher,
was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a
slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney Ge... | 576,821 |
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