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A Russian professor... ...is starting his term at an American university. He is assigned to teach an introductory calculus sequence for freshman.
"What topics should I cover?", he asks a few colleagues.
"Oh, simple stuff" they say; "start off with some facts about the real numbers, move into limits and differentiat... | 577,031 |
I hope to work at an umbrella factory. Ever since being a child, I have appreciated the unique motions of the umbrella. Unparalleled in all of man's creation, and unrivaled in nature, the conic beauty of the umbrella has become iconic in my heart.
I have wanted to work at an umbrella factory for years because of my d... | 577,032 |
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu. | 577,033 |
Two Olives So there are 2 olives hanging out, a black olive and a green olive. They're going on a walk through olive garden. The black olive trips and the green olive says, "Oh my gosh are you okay?!?" The black olive gets up and says, "olive." | 577,034 |
Attention Girl: Why do you look so sad?
Boy explains his whole problem
Girl: Oh, that's why you didn't notice my nail paint? | 577,035 |
What do you call the version of google maps without pac man? Pac Man-free Ver. | 577,036 |
Did you get a haircut? No. I got all of them cut. | 577,037 |
Interviewer: It says here you're skilled at saying unexpected things? Me: Yes, I am.
Interviewer: Hmm, I thought you were going to say something unexpec-- oh, you're good. | 577,038 |
In a short-sighted rushed effort to reboot the iTouch product Apple decided to market it to schools. Apple named their new product iTouch Kids. It didn't go over well... It did great in the 12-25 prison stint group though. | 577,039 |
A traffic cop in India Somewhere in the south of India a traffic cop was wasting away his day. His stretch of the road has been empty for hours, so he hasn't pulled anyone over, wrote no tickets, and hasn't taken any bribes. Hungry and angry he decided to pack up for the day, when he saw an old man riding a donkey in t... | 577,040 |
Much to my surprise, my new girlfriend said... Much to my surprise, my new girlfriend said having a small cock shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly loved each other. This sounded too good to be true, and it was.
Because after that, she fucking showed it to me. | 577,041 |
I wish we were a couple like Justin and Selena... "I wish we were a couple like Justin and Selena," I said to my girlfriend.
"Get with it," she said, "they've split up."
"OK, then Heidi and Seal."
"They've split up too!"
"OK, then like Justin and Britney."
"They split up 10 years ago!"
"Hmm," I said, "you're not ... | 577,042 |
Magic is like breast implants... ...we all know its fake, but when done well, can give you a feeling of true wonder | 577,043 |
I prefer women with giant breasts. They're utterly beautiful. | 577,044 |
About Lily Probably a repost but I don't care:
Why did Lily fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Lily. | 577,045 |
I would like to apologize to those offended by the false pregnancy gags. I too participated in this prank. I would like to apologize to all the men out there unable to carry a baby. | 577,046 |
I've just broken the sound barrier... I've just broken the sound barrier....
Or as the police called it, my wife's jaw. | 577,047 |
Scary Story Told In Only Five Words Your browser history is public! | 577,048 |
What is the difference between my girlfriend and a washing machine? After I dump my load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around. | 577,049 |
Pepsi just bought out Nike. Nike's new slogan will be, "Just Dew It". | 577,050 |
I have this weird fungal infection on my leg. I need to get rid of it, but it's kind of growing on me.
(Sorry if repost, came up with it in science class today.) | 577,051 |
Man shocked his doc. There was a guy who had two penises. This led to a harried sex life, and so, at 22 he finally decided to ask his doctor about it.
Man: Hey doc, guess what, I've got two of something you have one.
Doc: Well, that could technically be almost anything.
Man: Well, it's somewhere private, and there a... | 577,052 |
My doctor told me I needed to lose some weight. So I cut off my leg. | 577,053 |
Why is Santa Claus so horny? Because he only comes once a year! | 577,054 |
Topical Jokes for 4/1 In California, some McDonald’s locations have begun serving breakfast all day long. And to balance things out, they now only serve lunch for 3 minutes.
ISIS has released a video where they beheaded eight prisoners. At the end of the video they urged viewers to like, comment, and subscribe.
At an... | 577,055 |
If Jenny has 215 coins in one hand and 412 coins in the other,what does Jenny have? 5 days to live. | 577,056 |
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking in a house fire | 577,057 |
My fiance asked me what I thought about having kids. I told her that I love children, I just can't bear them! | 577,058 |
The man who invented knock-knock jokes... He deserves a no-bell prize.
I'll see myself out, thanks. | 577,059 |
What do you call it if you put an IED on an Italian? Rigatoni! | 577,060 |
My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?" I said I'd take either/oar. | 577,061 |
Why couldn't the blacksmith use lead to create the lock? Because it would have Lead(II) trouble. | 577,062 |
What is the ghost of an Australians favourite dessert? Boo-meringue | 577,063 |
Wow I can't believe I stopped a girl from being raped tonight... I got exhausted and stopped chasing her. | 577,064 |
I think that Stephen Hawking is a con man.... My sister is in a wheelchair and she's as thick as shit! | 577,065 |
What color is ice? Hielo. | 577,066 |
Why is there no market for white tires? Because black tires makes your car run faster | 577,067 |
How do you identify a vegan? Listen closely. | 577,068 |
The Robot Bartender A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says,
"What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back
the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical tec... | 577,069 |
A police officer just knocked on my door... and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Pfft, my dogs don't even own bikes, idiot. | 577,070 |
How do you milk a sheep? Bring out a new iPhone. | 577,071 |
I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this morning. On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me. | 577,072 |
My girlfriend said I was addicted to porn I just can't see her POV | 577,074 |
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The Wheelchair | 577,075 |
How do you fit 3 babies in a bowl? Blender.
How do you get them out?
Chips. | 577,076 |
Old man goes to the doctor... The old man asks the doctor, "How long do I have be live?" So the doctor looks over his records, and tells him, "You don't smoke, you don't drive, you don't have sex or drink." He paused, "You're going to be alive for a long time, but you won't be living." | 577,077 |
A new teacher was trying to... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you s... | 577,078 |
I have a giant penis. I've kept it in a jar ever since the giant died.
| 577,079 |
i got stopped by a cop... I got stopped by a cop.
"Do you know why I've stopped you?"
I said, "Because you want to suck me off."
"Put your hands behind your head."
I said, "I knew it." | 577,080 |
Money Joke Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?
Don't Know If This Is A Re-post, Sorry If It Is! | 577,081 |
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night... Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!.... That'... | 577,082 |
A blind man walks into a bar And a table. And a chair | 577,083 |
Grandma's Moustache It's a well known fact that Cum helps hair growth, this explains hair on men's knuckles but this doesn't explain Grandmas moustache | 577,084 |
How do you get 4 girls to sit on one chair? You flip it upside down. | 577,085 |
I was almost arrested today for suspicion of having... I was almost arrested today for suspicion of having child porn on my phone.
"Cheeky cunt" I said to the police, "They're pictures of my own dick." | 577,086 |
My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.... I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!" | 577,087 |
I just broke up with this... I just broke up with this cross-eyed chick.
I thought she was seeing someone else. | 577,088 |
- Knock knock. - Who's there?
- It's the pilot! OPEN THE F**ING DOOR!!! | 577,089 |
I was driving past my Gran's house today... I was driving past my Gran's house today and saw 11 pints of milk on her doorstep.
I thought, "She must be fucking thirsty today." | 577,090 |
My wife asked me to play doctor with her... ...she is now waiting for three hours in front of the bedroom. | 577,091 |
Two blondes Two blondes standing either side of a river, the first blonde shouts to the other "How do you get to the other side?" the other replies "You're on the other side, stupid!" | 577,092 |
What does M.Night Shyamalan always order when he goes out for ice cream? A large twist cone.
| 577,093 |
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS GUYS!! I hope I'm not too late.
Uploaded with Internet Explorer . | 577,094 |
Magic Number 5 I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number "5". It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamon... | 577,095 |
Amusing roller skating falls collection Amusing roller skating falls collection. That's very interesting and amusing video | 577,096 |
OP is in labour. Still can't deliver. | 577,097 |
I walked to the bus stop. This morning I walked to the bus stop and I saw a man there, drinking out of a paper bag.
So I said, "Morning!" to be friendly
And he said, "Nah I'm just an alcoholic."
| 577,098 |
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina. | 577,099 |
Farts are like kids. You love yours, but other people's are unbearable. | 577,101 |
Why do midgets have bad breath? Because their asses are closer to their mouths. | 577,102 |
I work as a dishwasher, Its a pretty dishgusting job. | 577,103 |
Two guys with black eyes get seated together on a flight Once they are settled, the first guy says "this is quite a coincidence! I'm not sure what I'm going to tell my clients. I was back there at the counter and the agent had this amazing rack! I meant to ask for two tickets to Pittsburgh, but it came out as 'two p... | 577,104 |
This morning i had an eye opening expereince. Damn alarm clock | 577,105 |
A Pirate walked into a bar A pirate walked into a bar and sat down for a drink.
The bartender asked, "Gee you look awful, are you feeling okay?"
"I feel fine, why do you ask?," said the pirate.
"Well your leg is half missing, you have a wooden peg leg!"
"Arrr that happened a few years back, cannonball came right th... | 577,106 |
What's so great about 21 year olds? There's 20 of them.
I understand this joke may have been posted. but, in light of April fools, you guys can all go fuck yourselves | 577,107 |
There was a blackout in my town last night It's okay I called the police. | 577,108 |
How do you get a drummer to drink a beer open it for him | 577,109 |
Life is like a penis.. Women make it harder.. | 577,110 |
What's thinner than the ice that my incredibly sexually active roommate is on? The wall between our rooms.
| 577,111 |
What do you call it when 2 cops let everyone know some dead cow meat is homosexual. Steakout | 577,112 |
The pig with a wooden leg One day a butcher walked up to a farmers door and asked if he could purchase one of the farmer's pigs. The farmer told him sure and walked the butcher to the livestock pen. The butcher looked and looked but didn't see a pig worth eating. Finally out of the barn hobbled one of the fattest pigs ... | 577,113 |
No shit sherlock Watson came over to Sherlock house as they were getting ready to solve a case. When he got there he noticed the door was locked and he heard loud moaning from upstairs. After about half an hour Holmes walks out of the house following a young lady. Shocked Watson asked, "Holmes she couldn't have been le... | 577,114 |
Father and the Nuns Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nun asks. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father... | 577,115 |
What's a fat kids favorite musical instrument? The lunch bell! | 577,116 |
What happened after the eyeliner and mascara got in a fight? They had make-up sex. | 577,117 |
My cute younger brother's contribution. Brother: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Don't know, why?
Brother: To go to the ugly guy's house.
Me: Huh??
Brother: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Brother: The chicken.
| 577,118 |
A group of boulders joins Facebook... ...hikers and mountain climbers stay inside on Mondays and Wednesdays. | 577,119 |
A blond and a brunette jump off a building... The brunette wakes up in heaven but the blonde is no where in sight. About an hour later the blonde finally shows up. "What took you so long?" the brunette asks. The blonde simply replied "oh, I had to stop and ask for directions."
This joke may be several decades late... | 577,120 |
Why are there no black people in clue? Because then it wouldn't be a mystery. | 577,121 |
How do you find out if a dead man has autism? You give them an autopsy | 577,122 |
It's ok to leave a client with split ends if you're a hairdresser. But not if you're a mohel! | 577,123 |
The Samsung Galaxy S6... The Samsung Galaxy S6 has a worse memory loss than your grandmother's Alzheimer
[First joke, go easy, pretty please?] | 577,124 |
What do you call a female clown? April Fools | 577,125 |
Knock, knock Who's there?
Cecile.
Cecile who?
Cecile the d-door! There's a m-monster outs-s-side! | 577,126 |
An agent knocks on a farmer's door The farmer answers and the agent says, "I am from the federal farmland agency and I came to inspect your farmland to make sure everything is up to par." "Sure," says the farmer, "Although I would like to warn you to stay away from the piece of land marked with the number 12." The agen... | 577,127 |
Girl on the beach A muscular young man was walking along the beach at sunset. The beach was empty save one lovely young woman sitting in a wheelchair.
As the young man drew near, he perceived that the girl was crying.
"Fair lady", he said "why do you sit here on the beach watching this lovely sunset and crying?"
Sob... | 577,128 |
You're shoes are untied! April fools! Got ya!! | 577,129 |
An 85 Year-Old Man Was Requested By His Doctor To Have A Sperm Count An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at th... | 577,130 |
How much does a flight to Rio cost? A Brazilian dollars. | 577,131 |
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé after they got engaged? Fiancée.
| 577,132 |
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