text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
|---|---|
The cat is heat and keeps presenting herself to the dog I'm just sitting here with my finger hovering above the record button. | 577,133 |
The circus was in town... One day, a guy was driving to work when he saw a billboard announcing that the circus was coming to town. He decided that he hadn't gone since he was a kid, so he'd go to this one for old time's sake.
On the day of, he decided that he'd wear the new shirt he'd bought, a very comfy pink sweater, and every act of the show was amazing.
About halfway into the show, however, they dimmed the lights in the tent, and a spotlight started roaming through the audience while one of the clowns watched. When the spotlight moved past our pink-shirted friend, the clown yelled out to stop, and immediately started making fun of the sweater. It got so bad that the guy got up out of his seat, and left in tears.
When he got home, he vowed that if the same circus came into town again, he'd be prepared and wouldn't let it happen again. So he began to look up information on clowns. He searched online, went to libraries, and found clown groups on social media to ask questions from.
Still not satisfied though, he decided he needed a more hands-on approach, so he enrolled in clown college, and after two years of mind-numbing research, projects, and tests, came away with his degree and the highest honours.
At the end of his course, for being one of the top three students, he was offered a spot in one of the most prestigious institutes, to continue his studies and learn more about the origins of clowning, and also of offshoots like miming. He accepted, and spent another grueling five years becoming a master clown.
Finally, upon completing his studies, he went back home exhausted, but proud of his accomplishments. He knew now that he'd be ready. And sure enough, only a few months later on his way to work again, there was another billboard for the same circus, this time with a picture of the same clown who had ridiculed him.
This was his moment to shine. His years of preparation were finally about to pay off. So he put on the exact same pink sweater, and made his way to the circus.
Again about halfway through the show, they started shining the spotlight around the tent, and again the clown yelled out to stop on the pink sweater.
"Didn't get enough last time we were in town?" The clown asked with a laugh. "You want me to make sure you leave crying again?"
That was when the guy stood up, brimming with confidence, and thinking back to his years of learning and training, and said "You know what? Fuck you." | 577,134 |
Funniest joke 2015 I can't(won't) steal it so here is the original link
http://i.imgur.com/asy1AU4.png | 577,135 |
Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate? He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also. | 577,137 |
Why does Ariel wear seashells? Because she can't fit D shells. | 577,138 |
What type of MMO's does the Taliban play? RPG's | 577,139 |
An old man goes to sea world (a crankd87 original) One day an old man walks into sea world all by himself. He doesn't get much human interaction since his wife passed away so he goes up to a trainer to chat. "You know, I would love to hear your best shamu story, if you don't mind. My wife and I loved to come here together shd it would make this old man's day just to hear a good one". The trainer proceeds to say "oh man I've got a good one that happened just yesterday. I was over here cleaning the deck by shamu's tank. He was swimming around having a good old time when all of a sudden I heard this WHOOO WHOOO, and down comes crashing this bundle of feathers just covered in tree sap. WHOOO WHOO it kept crying out, then something amazing happened. Shamu dashes to the edge of the tank and starts showering the thing with water from its blow hole. Next thing you know, the bird spreads it's wings and begins to fly away, but not before giving shamu a wink and a nod." Really? That's amazing", the old man said. "Oh that's not it. It gets better" said the trainer. "The hooting bird was only flying fir a second before it landed right over there by that tree, just under that buzzing hive. Out spotted one of the workers had fallen out of the hive and got stuck on a drop of tree sap too. The bird was had been there so it proceeded to use is beak to gently pry each leg free for the insect. At that point it started to fly back to the hive but not before tipping its antenna back at the bird who also flew away... After the story the old man was astonished. "So your telling me, shamus saved a bird who winked back at him and in turn saved a bug who tips his agenda back at him?" The trainer says "yup". The old man said "whale owl bee... I can't believe it!" | 577,140 |
Where do routers go when you throw them away? A LANfill. | 577,141 |
Wordpress Is Shutting Down? http://www.everydayfails.com/articles/wordpress-is-shutting-down/ | 577,142 |
Giovanni was just trying to lie on the beach Giovanni was sitting at the cafe when Antonio walked up to his table and sat down in a huff. Giovanni was surprised. "Antonio, where you been? I've been worried seeck about you!"
Antonio sighed. "My friend, I have been een jail."
Giovanni was shocked. "JAIL! Why did they put you een jail? You are a nice fellow!"
Antonio looked down. "I have gone to this nude beach een France. I thought it would be okay if I take off my clothes and lay down, but the second I did, two politzia came up and take me to jail!"
Giovanni was outraged. "Arrested for laying on a nude beach! That's the worst thing I ever heard! You should be able to lay on a nude beach and nobody should trouble you!"
Antonio nodded. "See, that's what I thought. But after I lay down, this beach started yelling and-a kicking and-a screaming for the police..."
| 577,143 |
A guy tries to pick up a girl "Are you a farmer?" When she said No, he said "you really know how to raise a cock" | 577,144 |
Why aren't Jewish Youtube celebrities's work viewed at night? Because they're stars-of-day-vids. | 577,145 |
A lady centipede crosses her legs..... ....."For the one hundredth time, NO!" | 577,146 |
New Girlfriend (29) (*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Kathy, because I just added the song "Kathy's Song" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
[**Laugh here**]
April Fool's!!!
"Kathy's Song" has been in my favourites playlist for the entire time. | 577,147 |
What do you call a sleeping police officer? An undercover cop. | 577,148 |
What do your mom and a camel have in common? They both spit. | 577,149 |
April Fools Day The one day out of the year where all of reddit becomes /r/nottheonion | 577,150 |
I had sex with a chipotle manager When I was about to lick some guac off her tits she stopped me and says "You know that's extra, right?" | 577,152 |
What do you call too many chickens on a farm? A cluster cluck. | 577,153 |
What do you call a dog with no legs?... It doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. | 577,154 |
I've always been bad at studying for tests.. ...but recently I noticed I work a lot harder while listening to the 50 shades of Grey soundtrack | 577,155 |
A married couple A married couple driving along the country side and got in an argument. They're so mad at each other that neither one is saying a word to the other. Until the guy drives past a herd of cows and says to his wife "relatives of yours?" His wife instantly replies "Yes! They're my in-laws." | 577,156 |
What becomes packed between periods? School Hallways | 577,157 |
Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken!
Please let there be Dark Tower fans who understand this | 577,158 |
A man walked inside an interior decorators convention and everyone was laughing... He asked what's so funny.
"It's an inside joke". | 577,159 |
Woman's rights Not an april fools joke. | 577,160 |
What did the deaf guy say to the blind guy? I can't hear you, but I can see your point | 577,161 |
Why is 77 better than 69? You get ate more. | 577,162 |
one big peice of fish and one small peice of fish. There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table, there is a dish with one big peice of fish and one small peice of fish.
They politely say to one another: "You maychoose first." "No, you may choose first." And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says: " OK, I'll take first."
And he takes the big price of fish. The second person: "Why did you take the big Peice?
That's not polite!"
The first person says: "Which peice would you have taken?"
The second person: "Why, I would have taken the small peice, of course."
The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!" | 577,163 |
Here's a joke about circumcised foreskins. [Removed] | 577,164 |
Did you hear about the cannibal who had an out of body experience? He starved to death. | 577,165 |
My computer can sing it's A Dell | 577,166 |
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool. | 577,167 |
Why was Dr. Dre kicked out of the farmer's market? He kept dropping the beets. | 577,168 |
What comes after 69?... Teacher: What comes after 69?
Student: Mouthwash.
Teacher: Get out! | 577,169 |
What do you call a sex toy bought at IKEA? A "One Night Stand" | 577,170 |
Mother telling her son the truth Mom:Son...i've wanted to tell you this for a while... but I think now is the right time since you are a teenager. Honey your adopted...but as reward we are going to Disneyland! April Fools! Your just adopted... were not going to Disneyland...
| 577,171 |
Hi. My name is Jason and I am a presser. Thank you for listening. Time to own up guys. We have a problem. We are pressers and we need to face the truth. We are all here to help each other. Let the dank god take over your life and guide you to Half Life 3. | 577,172 |
A white doctor in Africa It's a white doctor in an african village. One day, a horde of African men came to his office and said:
" Doc, we respect you, but we saw that many women started having white babies!"
The doctor laughed and replied: "Oh no! it's not what you think it is! you see, in my ranch I have a lot of white horses and they sometimes have black offspring, nothing unatural!"
The black men looked at eachother, feeling embarrassed.
"Ok doc, we will forget about the women if you forget about the horses." | 577,173 |
Did you hear about that priest that turned to alcohol and drugs after he was confined to a wheelchair? He's no longer an upstanding member of the community. | 577,174 |
Funny school joke Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now. | 577,175 |
I went to a German restaurant... ...and ordered an omelette....I just got a plate with two dots on it! | 577,176 |
Did you hear about the little person psychic who broke out of jail? Police are looking for a small medium at large. | 577,177 |
There once was a powerful king. There once was a powerful king who wanted to hire a different court jester for each month of the year. His financial advisor said that it would be best to only get 11 jesters, and simply have one repeat months. The king agreed and 11 court jesters were hired.
Months roll by and everything is great. The October jester was a hoot. The November jester was a holler. The December and January absolutely killed the show, and February was no different.
Unfortunately, the king wasn't very fond of the March jester. He waited day by day and finally the month was over. The king said the his advisor, "Bring in the next jester!" and the man replied, "I'm sorry Sir, we have no April Fools! | 577,178 |
what did the man say when he saw the chilli that he was about to cut up for his chilli con carne dancing? "My chilli's gone barmy!!!" | 577,179 |
Round Sheep A farmer asked me "Can you help me round up my sheep?"
I said "How many have you got?"
He said "78"
I said "we will call that 80!" | 577,180 |
I'm tired of all these April fools jokes... Just kidding, April fools! | 577,181 |
Why should you never be a postman? Because you always get the sack on the first day of the job. | 577,182 |
Someone didnt click the button in /r/thebutton Yeah... Thats a good joke , he impossible! | 577,183 |
My body is well defined My body is well defined.
Look up the word "Flabby". | 577,184 |
With all this crazy weather... 40 degrees one day and 80 the next... I think the earth might be bipolar | 577,185 |
I'm not saying my wife's a bit plump I'm not saying my wife's a bit plump, but the nearest she gets to counting calories is spotting I've nicked one of her chocolates. | 577,186 |
TIFU by posting to wrong sub April fools! | 577,187 |
What comes after March? April, fools! | 577,188 |
So I just found out my sister is doing porn... Asked my dad what he thought about the whole thing. He wasn't even mad. He said "I think she's taking it harder than me, to be honest". | 577,189 |
My father was born in '53. He recently became a janitor... I guess you could say he's a baby *broomer.* | 577,190 |
Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer? The grass tickles their balls. | 577,191 |
A Chicken walked into a Library... So one day, while I was still working as a Librarian, this chicken walked inside and went toward the stacks of books. After what seemed like a few minutes, the chicken walked up to the counter with good size stack of books. The Chicken put them on the counter and, while pointing to each book, said:
"Bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak"
Puzzled, I decided to ask the chicken for its library card and sure enough the chicken gave it to me. The chicken took the checked out books and then left the library.
The next day, the same chicken came back, put all the books into the return slot, and walked up to my desk with a larger stack of books. The chicken then, while pointing to each book, said:
"Bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak"
Confused, I took the chicken's library card and checked out said books. The chicken then left the library carrying the larger stack of books.
The next day, the chicken came in with all the books, put all of them into the return slot and, after ten minutes, came back with an even larger stack of books. The chicken put the books on the counter and, while pointing to each book, said:
"Bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak"
I took the chicken's library card and checked out all the books. The chicken, now staggering under the weight of all the books, left the library.
Curious about what is going on, I left my post for few minutes and started to follow the chicken. I followed the chicken down to the creek when the chicken had sat the books down in front of a frog who sat on a nearby lily pad. The chicken then pointed at all the books and said:
"Bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak bwak"
The frog flicked its tongue at every single book and said:
"Reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit,reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit,reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit,reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit,reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit."
*On a side note, I got fired that day because I was gone for too long | 577,192 |
So I went to get my prostate exam... It was a normal process. I pulled down my pants and got ready for the exam. I felt a little uncomfortable when the doctor had his finger in my anus, for lack of a better phrase. But the thing that worried me the most, is when I felt both the doctor's hands on my shoulders. | 577,193 |
I like my women like I like my smartphones Slender and Korean | 577,194 |
A short bus crashed today, killing all inside At least it was only half full | 577,195 |
Why didn't the pirate chessplayer enjoy his crackers? Because they were stale, matey! | 577,196 |
Why don't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is. | 577,197 |
What is Shrek's most annoying problem? Swamp Ass. | 577,198 |
What do you call a Muslim on a plane. The pilot, you racist bitch. | 577,199 |
How do depressed frogs die? They Kermit suicide. | 577,200 |
TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray. Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house. | 577,201 |
A friend describes his backup philosophy on National Backup Awareness Day http://imgur.com/ihHi4kE | 577,202 |
A midget psychic has escaped from the San Francisco Jail today Headline reads: "Small Medium at Large" | 577,203 |
There were three sisters One named Lilly, one named Rose, and the other named Cinderblock. One day Lilly went to their mother and asked, "Mom, why did you name me Lilly?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a lilly petal fell on your head," mother replied.
So then Rose went to her mother and asked, "Mom, why did you name me Rose?"
"Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head," mother replied.
So then Cinderblock went to her mother and asked, "der der duh der duh" | 577,204 |
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Oggggh (Gagging noise) | 577,205 |
My favorite name for a planet is Saturn... it has a nice ring to it. | 577,206 |
Why couldn't Mike Tyson go to the laundromat? Because it was clothed. | 577,207 |
My boys and I plan to rob the super glue factory.. By the way the plan looks, things will be hard to pull off. | 577,208 |
whats the worst part about cooking vegetables? putting the wheelchair into the oven. | 577,209 |
What does a fish say when he hits concrete? Dam!
A customer told me that joke, equipped with an " old guys rule" shirt and a hardy fist bump. | 577,210 |
I work out religiously... On christmas and Easter! | 577,211 |
Why is butter dangerous? It's mantequilla. | 577,212 |
Last night I had a dream that I was running and accidentally tripped over my dick... I knew it was a dream because I was running. | 577,213 |
Have I told you about my new stereo that connects to the Internet and plays Star Wars music? It's my WiFi Sci-Fi HiFi. | 577,214 |
why is 77 better than 69? what is better than77? you get eight more. 88 you get ate twice | 577,215 |
If I had a dollar every time I thought of you... ...I would start thinking of you. | 577,216 |
What's the similarity between a burned pizza and parents? If it's black it won't give you any food | 577,217 |
If Avatar the last Airbender was Jewish.... Dollar, nickel, penny, dime. These are the four elements of commerce.
Please don't flag. Thanks. | 577,218 |
Honey, before it starts. -Honey can you bring me a beer before it starts?
She brings him a beer.
-Honey can you pass me the remote before it starts?
She passes him the remote.
-Honey can you put my work clothes in the washer before it starts?
She gets up and puts his working clothes in the washer.
-Honey could you bring me some nachos?
She cracks
-What the hell? Do think this is a damn hotel? Do you think I'm here to fulfill you every need? Am I supposed to be handing you every little thing, wash your clothes, clean up after you like your personal maid? HUH!?
-... So it's started. | 577,219 |
Knock knock...(from my 6 year old) Who's there?
"Little girl".
Little girl, who?
"Little girl who can't reach the door knob". | 577,220 |
Whats a pirate's favorite letter? "You'd think it would be R but its actually the c!"
Aye matey | 577,221 |
What do you call a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, Chris Brown doesn't want you getting involved in his personal life | 577,222 |
What rhymes and let's you instantly know a redditor is a moron? Purple circle.
/r/thebutton | 577,223 |
Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day... At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight." | 577,224 |
I was sitting in traffic today ...and I got ran over. | 577,225 |
What Would Jesus Do? The topic of what Jesus would do if he were to walk the earth in current times comes up. What would he think of current issues like gun control. Nobody knows how he would react, but one thing is for sure: He bans all nail guns. | 577,226 |
A couple weeks ago I saw a sign on a telephone pole that said "learn guitar in 30 days." I can't wait. Just a few more days and I'll be able to play the guitar. | 577,227 |
What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist fuck. | 577,228 |
What's a laughing condiment? Ayy lmayo | 577,229 |
Two lesbians and 2 gays have a race. They decided they were going to race to Las Vegas, and the losers had to pay for the hotel rooms and dinner for the trip.
The lesbian couple won because they went lickety split while they gay guys were still packing their shit. | 577,230 |
My friend's been dating Tim Howard She told me he's a keeper. | 577,231 |
I have so may gay friends... I can't keep them straight. | 577,232 |
My grandpa was always disappointed in me.... When I was five my grandpa was always disappointed in me. He would tell me "when I was your age I was six." | 577,233 |
There's so much sexism in this world. Just once I'd like to see a Maury show titled "You are not the Mother".
| 577,234 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.