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[NSFW] Knock Knock Who's there?
The Pilot. Let me in! | 577,337 |
So two guys walk into a bar... and the third one ducks. | 577,338 |
Two guys are driving down a country road. The first one looks out the window and says: "hey look, a bunch of cows!"
The second guy looks at him and says: "no, you mean a herd of cows!"
His friend looks back at him and says: "of course I've heard of cows!"
The second guy then says: "no no no! I mean a cow herd!"
The... | 577,339 |
If the Narwhal bacons at midnight, what does it do at noon? It bakes off. | 577,340 |
Journalist asks a neo-nazi "what do you have against foreigners?" "I have an axe" | 577,341 |
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dre | 577,342 |
Knock Knock. Who's there?
The Pilot. Let me in! | 577,343 |
"what the hell, signs up for it" There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a ... | 577,344 |
What do you call an ISIS member who loves himself? A nISISist | 577,345 |
I don't have a high opinion about myself when I play PC games... It's my low self on Steam. | 577,346 |
Did you hear about the man running a marathon on the afghanistan border? He actually went 3 miles further... I guess Iran* a little too far
*I'm pronouncing it "e-ran" | 577,347 |
guy driving in a car with a blonde. A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..." | 577,348 |
First time for everything. A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip... | 577,349 |
Why did Susie drop her ice cream? Because she was hit by a bus. | 577,350 |
Saw Marshawn Lynch at the eye clinic a few days ago. He told me he was just there so he won't get blind. | 577,351 |
Knock knock. Who's there? April Fool day :) | 577,352 |
Womans Rights see above | 577,353 |
An elderly lady goes to the doctor... An elderly lady goes to the doctor. "Doctor", she says, "I'm having some issues with excessive gas. However, they don't make a sound and they don't smell. In fact, since I've been in this room with you I've broken wind several times". The doctor writes her a prescription and tells ... | 577,354 |
Can February March? No, but April May. | 577,355 |
A blonde is dying A blonde lady walks into her Dr's office and says 'oh Doctor, I'm dying, I'm dying. The Dr says 'oh my, what's the problem?' She taps her forehead and says 'it hurts here'. She taps her neck and says 'it hurts here', she taps her chest and says 'it hurts here', she taps her stomach and says 'it hurts ... | 577,356 |
I used to work as a waiter... ...the hours were terrible, but hey, it put food on the table. | 577,357 |
What do you call a group of tricksters from April, Utah? April Fools | 577,359 |
Strong Man Contest A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone when it comes to pure strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers at the job site. After several minutes of ranting, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where ... | 577,360 |
The best April Fools' joke.. You. | 577,361 |
BANG BANG! Q: Why did the mirror have holes in it?
A: A moron kept trying to shoot himself. | 577,362 |
Knock knock. Who's there? The pilot, let me in. | 577,363 |
Risky Burial A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."
The man thought about it and decided he would just have her s... | 577,364 |
A skeleton walks into a bar And orders a beer and a mop. | 577,365 |
Brain problem On the left side, there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left. | 577,366 |
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church... "You can't be here" says the pastor
The Higgs Boson particle responds
"But with out me, how can you have mass?!" | 577,367 |
Bacon is like a woman it looks good
it smells good
it tastes good
and it slowly kills men | 577,368 |
Two scientists walk into a bar... One asks for a H2O, the other asks for a H2O too. The bartender hands them both glasses of water and asks them why they're talking in scientific terms. | 577,369 |
Did you hear about the Irish paper boy? He blew away. | 577,370 |
My friend told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat blow job today. My friend told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat blow job today.
"Really!?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...."
That'll teach her to try to be funny... | 577,371 |
A man goes to a bar and sees... A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!" | 577,372 |
Just like crime, slavery doesn't pay. | 577,373 |
Alligator Shoes A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of Louisiana. She really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging.
After becoming very frustrated with the local shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "I'll just... | 577,374 |
Foot Fetish Prompted by: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31065v/i_broke_my_finger_today/
So two department store security guards are discussing their fetishes, and, through the discussions both come to find out they are both seriously into womens feat, mostly due to the fact that they have access to dressing ro... | 577,375 |
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket... Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.” | 577,376 |
What can you tell about a guy who's always masturbating? That he's the son of one Mr. and Mrs. Bating.
Please don't kill me. | 577,377 |
You know why the fiscal year ends in March and not December? Because the next year starts with April Fools' day. | 577,378 |
A man had his entire left side cut off... He's all right now | 577,379 |
A guy walks into a bar.... ...holding a set of jumper cables and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "okay, I'll serve you, but don't you start anything!" | 577,380 |
April Fools Day April Fools Day is ONLY for singles.
The married have their anniversary . | 577,381 |
Why did the baker have brown hands? He kneaded a pooh | 577,382 |
What is Chewbaccas favorite celebrity? Wookie Goldberg | 577,383 |
Happy April's fools! ... No really, what did you expect? | 577,384 |
Why did the man's kidneys fail? They didn't study. | 577,385 |
[mildly NSFW] How gloves are made A woman and her grandmother are taking a tour of latex glove factory.
"In our facility we use a unique method to make the gloves. Each operator will stick his hands into a vat of latex, let it dry, and then carefully peel it off to make one pair of gloves."
Suddenly the woman's grand... | 577,386 |
I found this joke today HAHA APRIL FOOLS BITCHES | 577,387 |
What if Prom is just an elaborate business scams that fashion companies carry out every year to sell all the shitty, cheap dresses to high school kids because the rich people wouldn't buy them? *scam
I is stupid. | 577,388 |
A Shot of Whiskey A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.
The man responded, "
I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look goo... | 577,389 |
Whats the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger | 577,390 |
Dentist Joke [NSFW-ish] My dentist made a point of mentioning that getting an erection was "perfectly normal" at the dentist. "That may be," I told him, "but could you please get it out of my face?"
Tl;Dr: Dentist Joke [Sucky-ish] | 577,391 |
When you drink morning coffee ... You know your boss is waiting for your report. Let him wait a little.... | 577,392 |
A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit together The bear said:
"Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replied:
"no"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. | 577,393 |
It says a lot about someone… It says a lot about someone when they try to prank you by putting aluminum foil in the toilet bowl.
It says even more about you when it works. | 577,394 |
A Russian And An Irish Wrestler Square Off A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold ... | 577,395 |
Girl: AH COO!! Man: Bless you.
Girl: AH COO!!
Man: Squared | 577,396 |
A man pushed his wife off a building... I guess you could say they FELL APART! | 577,397 |
When the woman was asked if she liked asian cock... She replied, "No, I prefer caucasian." | 577,398 |
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With... | 577,399 |
What was INXS Singer Michael Hutchence's favorite vegetable? The autochoke. | 577,400 |
A woman teaches her virgin boyfriend... A woman teaches her virgin boyfriend about sex. She suggests some 69 and has him lay down with her on top.
As she starts sucking him, she lowers her pussy to his face and accidentally farts.
Embarrassed, she jumps up and says they should try again. As soon as she squats on his... | 577,401 |
Two resneck cousins... Two redneck cousins were tending to the animals on the farm when the come up on a goat with its head stuck in the fence. When one starts unbuttoning his overalls and walking up behind the goat, his cousin asks, "Hey! What are you doing?!"
"Hell, I'm gonna have me here a little piece of ass... Yo... | 577,402 |
As the pope lay dying he is visited by an angel... This angel tells him that before he dies, God has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life.
The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are m... | 577,403 |
There once was a Mohel (the Rabbi who performs a briss) who kept all of his tips for 20 years and goes to a leather working shop... He walks in and says "I would like to turn these into something to remember all of the children I helped."
The leather worker and owner of the shop says "Okay, come back to me in three d... | 577,404 |
In 1250 the Iranians invented... In 1250 the Iranians invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. | 577,405 |
The Horse Jim strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream "heyhey." The way to get him to go is to scream ... | 577,406 |
How do you know your at a gay BBQ? The hotdogs taste like shit. | 577,407 |
A blond and a brunette jump off the empire state building... Who lands first?
The brunette. The blond had to stop and ask for directions. | 577,408 |
Sometimes when I talk to people I start pointing at crouches. (Point) | 577,409 |
Did you hear about the guy who invented the Hokey Pokey? He just passed away and they had troubles putting him in the coffin. When they put his left leg in his right leg came out. | 577,410 |
A guy asks his girl friend to marry him... A guy asks his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamborghini Countach - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it.
One day, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls ... | 577,411 |
What do you call lesbian eskimos? Klondykes | 577,412 |
I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I am completely fine. | 577,413 |
The Hotness Scale I went out on a date with a chick the other night. Looks-wise, she was a five, but with her low self esteem, she was a solid seven. | 577,414 |
If you ever see a woman drinking a Corona... ...you should ask her out immediately, because you know she'll swallow anything. | 577,415 |
The female praying mantis devours her male within minutes of mating, whereas ... the female human stretches it out over a lifetime! | 577,416 |
My dog always walked backwards... So I named him god. | 577,417 |
A Husband And Wife Go Golfing A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together.
They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses.
They play through to the 9th hole, both... | 577,418 |
Andreas Lubitz. Is the first German pilot to record 150 kills in 70 years. | 577,419 |
I am a proud member of the CBC Short for 'Canadians Against Dyslexia' | 577,420 |
Did youz guys hear about the blow job competition last night? It was nuts, the race was neck and neck till the very end! | 577,421 |
What did one fetus say to the other? Guess we're wombmates! | 577,422 |
o I came home the other day to find a gorilla up on my roof busting up my house... So I came home the other day to find a gorilla up on my roof busting up my house. I called an animal control company. The man showed up assessed the situation and told me he was going to climb up onto the roof and when the gorilla was no... | 577,423 |
What kind of investments do musicians make? Sound investments. | 577,424 |
Someone offered to take me fly fishing, but I turned them down. I like to keep it reel. | 577,425 |
What did the guy who liked mustard say when he opened his fridge and saw no mustard? You mustard be joking! | 577,426 |
Life without love is pointless.... Love without life is necrophilia | 577,427 |
Did you here about the gay midget? He finally came out of the cabinet | 577,428 |
What kind of car does a pirate drive? Toyota YARis | 577,429 |
The best joke ever April fools | 577,430 |
The puzzle solution, under the category of Before and after, on Wheel of Fortune was "Victoria's Secret Passage". I can't help but think there's an innuendo hidden there...I just can't put my finger on it... | 577,431 |
A snail walks up to a mans house and knocks on the door... A snail walks up to a mans house and knocks on the door. The door opens and the man says to the snail "What do you want?"
The snail says "Hello sir, I am selling cookies and am just wondering if you would like to..." WHOOSH!! The man kicks the snail and he fly... | 577,432 |
What can be said about a rich man who doesn't carry change with him? He's got more money than cents | 577,433 |
The key to comedy? Perfect del ivery | 577,434 |
2 muffins in an oven one says: "is it just me or is it getting hot in here?"
the other says: "AAAAAH A TALKING MUFFIN!" | 577,435 |
Yo' Mama Jokes Battle! I'll start!
Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables. | 577,436 |
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends...? Because he's married. ;_; (I'll see myself out). | 577,437 |
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