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How many verses did the Prophet Muhammad write? Allah-t.
Thanks for listening.
| 577,438 |
A man gets stopped by the T.S.A; they ask him to remove any smart devices he has on him. He removes his smart watch, smart phone, smart shoes, and smart hat -- when a smart glock is found in his waist band the agent asked why he had it... He turns and smiles -- hands raised -- and says, "I"m not a very smart man I guess." | 577,439 |
What do you do when you can't decided whether to upvote or downvote a post? Comment. | 577,440 |
My wife told me to go to the store and pick up some milk. My wife told me to go to the store and pick up some milk, and if they have potatoes, get 6. I soon came home, and she asked why the hell I had 6 gallons of milk. I said, "They had potatoes". | 577,441 |
A husband came home with half a gallon of ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick." he replied.
"Pour me some." | 577,442 |
Everyone knows that if you pee in a dream, you pee in real life... But did you know that if you go off a guard rail in a dream, you go off a guard rail in real life? | 577,443 |
Dark Humour - Baby in Blender Q : When you put a baby into a blender, why do you put her in legs first ?
A : So that you can see the expression on the face.........
| 577,444 |
A blonde was walking by a field... And saw another blonde in a rowboat paddling away at the dirt and stirring up a ton of dust.
The blonde walking called out, "Hey! What are you doing?!"
The other blonde replied, "I'm trying to get over to the barn! Could you help me?"
The blonde walking retorted, "Well, I would but I can't swim." | 577,445 |
Jesus dropped his cross for the 3rd time, and Simon of Cyrene said to him: "Do you even lift bro?" | 577,446 |
Knock Knock Knock knock
"Who's there?"
"The pilot, let me in"
Too soon? | 577,447 |
Stick with anal! A man and his wife are in the maternity ward,with the wife giving birth to their new born. his wife says "it hurts so bad! You did this to me!!"
the husband said, "Well as i recall i wanted to put it in your ass, but you said that d hurt to much!" | 577,448 |
Just found out that McDonald's is serving all-day breakfast ... ... all day breakfast? I don't have that kind of time. | 577,450 |
What's the most logical country? AND OR a | 577,451 |
I like my women like I like my antiques. . . Oriental and fragile. | 577,452 |
What is brown and sticky? A stick.... | 577,453 |
Yesterday I heard there was a robbery at a bakery, I've heard of stupid crimes... But this one really takes the cake. | 577,454 |
Husband and wife are in some financial trouble, so they decide she should sell herself . . . A husband and wife are having financial problems so they decide she should go sell herself on the street corner. Husband drops her off on the corner and waits in his car down the block just to make sure she's okay.
Guy walks up to the wife and asks, "How much for the full service?"
Wife: Um, hold on! *She runs down to her husband and asks him*
Husband: $100.
Wife: *runs back to the man* $100.
Man: Oh, I don't have that much on me. What about just for oral.
Wife: Let me check *runs back to the husband and asks how much for oral*
Husband: $75
Wife: $75
Man: Damn, ok, what about for just a handjob?
*Wife checks with husband*
Husband: $25
Wife: $25
Man: Perfect *hands her the money and drops his pants*
Wife: *runs back to her husband* Can you lend this man $75? | 577,455 |
Why the musician sold his computer... Not enough gigs. | 577,456 |
April Fools' Day! Hey! April Fools' Day is almost here! What crazy pranks are you going to pull tomorrow?! | 577,457 |
How is called the funeral of an electrical engineer? Grounding | 577,458 |
I've been eating nothing but chicken for the past few days and I finally went to the bathroom. The stench was fowl. | 577,459 |
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a gun to it's head and tell it to. | 577,460 |
I like my games like I like my women cheap and used | 577,461 |
If you're in college, what do you do when your flatmate has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub? ...throw in your dirty laundry. | 577,462 |
Heard this in an Indian soap opera.. Boy: Are you from England?
Girl: Yeah! How'd you know?
Boy: You are so beautiful, I just thought. | 577,463 |
Here's a full cup... Now shut the full cup
| 577,464 |
We've all seen Hafthór Björnsson lift that log. But the true question is, can he lift the white man's burden? | 577,465 |
What kind of coffee does an executioner drink? Decap | 577,466 |
grandpa, can I have your cigar? A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not old enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then you're not old enough enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"
| 577,467 |
"Sir, the UAV strike bombing missed the target." "Were we at least close?"
"Not even remotely." | 577,468 |
[God-awful OC] What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them? The lanlord! | 577,469 |
What do you have when you have 1000 whites skydiving? Oil | 577,470 |
I registered as a sex offender.. ..just so I wouldn't have to wake up early to drive the kids to school. | 577,471 |
An Israeli man visits Britain An Israeli man visits Britain. The customs officer asks "Occupation?"
"No, just visiting." | 577,472 |
Two hookers are on a street corner.. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits." | 577,473 |
Michael Jackson: Is Mr. Wall there? Russell Crowe: No.
Jackson: Is Mr.s Wall there?
Crowe: No.
Jackson: Are there any walls there?
Crowe: Um.. no?
Jackson: That what's holding up the roof?
Apparently MJ used to call up Crowe at the hotels where he was staying and tell him jokes. This was one of them. | 577,474 |
Why did the shit-kicker cross the road? To use his rich neighbor's outhouse. | 577,475 |
What do you call a midget psychic committing a crime? Small medium at large.
| 577,476 |
What's black and white and red all over A biracial couple in a knife fight | 577,477 |
What comes after 69? Mouthwash | 577,478 |
A Little More A man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he
never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his
therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was
unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny
pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl
you'll just have to be a little boulder!" | 577,479 |
Did you hear the one about the Irish boomerang ? It doesn't come back .............. it just sings about how much it wants to.
| 577,480 |
A joke from two points of view **First one is a confessional from /r/trees, the second one is a response from another user.**
I showed up to school a bit late this morning because I got way too high (forgot about the power of wake n bakes). It was towards the end of 2nd period, which I have free, so I went straight to the cafeteria. Told my friends what happened and they congratulated me on winning the school raffle (I missed the morning announcements). So now I'm real stoked because the prize was a giant gummy bear, so I headed straight to the office to collect my prize at a [4]. I had eye drops in and I changed before school so I wasn't worried at all. While I was waiting outside the principle's office I realized that I never bought a raffle ticket. I figured maybe someone bought one in my name or something until I remembered it's april fool's day. I let out a small chuckle and was about to get up and leave when the door opens behind me and the principle says "what can I do for ya?"
Me:[very nervously] Oh, um... nevermind. My friends played an april fools joke on me I'm just gonna head back to class.
Principle: haha ok, you're not high are you?
Me:[FUUUUCKKKKK] What? No just really tired
Principle: Oh OK nevermind, have a good day
What makes it even worse is during my walk of shame back to the cafeteria I realized we don't even have a school raffle.
-----------------------------
I showed up to work at 5:45 like usual. The previous night I baked some brownies and brought two of them along for work today. I figured it was April Fools so there'd be pranks and it would be real fun. Why not get a little stoned? Anyways, I get to my office and there's this frickin' massive ass gummy bear on my desk. I ignored it for a while, because I figured it was a prank of some kind. It was towards the end of 2nd period and the munchies were kicking in hard. At this point I was straight surfing at a [6] or so, but I made sure I had eye drops in so nobody suspected that I was high. I had to suppress the munchies, so I started tearing down on this fruity, chewy, ursidae. I was sitting there eating when I heard someone outside the door. I was FREAKING out, I thought someone figured out I was high or something so as calm as possible I open the door to find this kid sitting in the chairs outside my door and I say "h-how can I help ya"
Kid: Oh, um... nevermind. My friends played an april fools joke on me I'm just gonna head back to class.
Me being a stoned idiot asks him..
Me: haha ok, hey you're not high are you?
Kid: What? No just really tired
Me: Oh haha OK nevermind, have a good day
So he walks off and I'm all like, what the fuck dude. Then I realized what happened. The gummy bear was a prize for the stupid raffle we had that day. I told the staff not to have it on the first, but they did it anyway. Now I'm sitting here wondering if he's going to come back, and what I do if he does. | 577,481 |
Maxwell's Demon walks into a bar "In or out," says the bartender. "Just stop with the damned door." | 577,482 |
What do you call a short psychic that escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I heard this a while ago so I don't know if it was all ready posted. Also I heard this in a video I think. | 577,483 |
What kind of pictures do hermit crabs take? Shellfies | 577,484 |
A man went to his lawyer... A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!" | 577,485 |
I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app... When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed. | 577,486 |
"Knock knock." "Who is there?" "The pilot, open this damn door" | 577,487 |
My Favorite April Fool's Joke This is only really acceptable at the bar, on a weekend night, preferably after midnight on April 1st.
Walk up to girl of your choice, preferably one you've never met before.
"Hey (regular), do you believe in love at first sight?"
Girl (presumably): No...
"Neither did I (as whistfully romantic as possible) until right now..."
*The waiting of one or two seconds is paramount here, they call it a "beat" in movie scripts*
(As Loudly as acceptable) APRIIIL FOOOOOLS!!! (maniacal laughter). | 577,488 |
Two Mexicans riding a bicycle
Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."
The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
"I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle." | 577,489 |
1,3,7,9 Were murdered last night What are the odds of that happening? | 577,490 |
What did the Pirate say when he got his firecrackers? Ahoy M-80 | 577,491 |
For the past couple weeks I've been watching my weight. It's still rising. | 577,492 |
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years... Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and
put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been
reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie
her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’
So--- Here I am!” | 577,493 |
How to let your apprentice chef take care of an order My restaurant has a sign outside that says we make anything that you want to eat. So a man came in today and wanted a garden salad with Persian dressing. I freaked out as I had no idea what Persian dressing was but my smart ass apprentice chef told me not to worry and that he will take care of it. He went back to the customer with a garden salad and a picture of a Persian man putting his pants on. | 577,494 |
How do you make the best Harlem Shake video? You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children. | 577,495 |
A nurse... A nurse walks into a store. She's picking up groceries after a long shift at the hospital. When she gets to the counter she takes out her cheque book and a rectal thermometer. The cashier looks at her confused and says "lady why do you gotta rectal thermometer?" "Oh shit," exclaimed the lady "some assholes got my pen." | 577,496 |
And this pickup line is broght to you by Budweiser.... And this pickup line is broght to you by Budweiser:
---Budweiser: and who do we have here, standing so pretty and so quiet? | 577,497 |
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in. | 577,498 |
I have a friend whose fetish is cashews. He's fucking nuts. | 577,499 |
How do whores in Westeros get into the castle? Hodor. | 577,500 |
I think my friend masturbates to Sasquatch. He said he had a big foot fetish. | 577,501 |
Why did the hillbilly cross the road? His dick was in the chicken | 577,502 |
With Easter coming up With Easter coming up it has me wondering. Is the Easter bunny a shell for big egg? | 577,503 |
Whats black and thin and all over my private parts? Dead African Children | 577,504 |
Doesn't Sink A farmer had a really beautiful daughter who wanted to get married. The farmer hated the Idea so he came up with a challenge for whoever completes its will have his daughter had in marriage. He took all the manure from all the animals and made a small lake out of it. For whoever drives there car across the lake will have his daughters hand in marriage. A German showed up with his BMW, an American showed up with his Ford Truck, and a Russian showed up with a Lada. The German speeds up with his BWM and as soon as he hits the lake of shit gets sunk. The American goes slowly with his 4x4 Ford truck gets half way and sinks. The Russian just drives right across. The farmer and the other drivers are shocked, “How did you do that” they ask. “Shit does not sink in shit” | 577,505 |
What do you call someone who helped take pictures of you, while your wife wasn't with you, during your vacation? A dedicated friend ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) | 577,506 |
I'm sick of all these holocaust jokes. My Grandfather died in a concentration camp. Dumb bastard fell off the guard tower. | 577,507 |
What hand do you use to wipe your butt? Right or left? For those that answered right or left, you guys are gross I use toilet paper. | 577,508 |
These two girls are at a Halloween party... One is dressed as pirate and completely wasted. She notices her friend is missing. She starts searching the house and checking in every room she can find. She opens the door to a bedroom and her friend is on her knees giving some guy head. The pirate girl yells out "Thar she blows!" | 577,509 |
How was 9/11 an inside job? If the planes came from the outside. | 577,510 |
An elderly women decided to have her potrait painted An elderly women decided to have her potrait painted. She told the artist: 'Paint me with diamond earrings, Diamond necklace, A ruby broach and a gokd Rolex.'
"But you are not wearing any of these things."
'I know' She said. 'Its in case I die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and i want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.' | 577,511 |
Whom does Ban Ki-Moon revolve around? Ban Ki-Earth. | 577,512 |
$10 COMPLAINT A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?" | 577,513 |
A Woman Told Her Husband About Her Day.. "And then she asked I to pick it up! Can you believe that?" His wife said.
Confused, the husband asked, "Don't you mean, and then she asked me to pick it up?"
She gasped and slapped him across the face. "Pig." | 577,514 |
What is that bad smell in Calc Class? P U-Substitution! | 577,515 |
This woman in India has given birth... This woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound boy.
Doctors say they expect the kid to be walking 6 months before his mum. | 577,516 |
I've just been given a six months suspension... I've just been given a six months suspension from football.
I caught an opponent with a tackle which actually broke both his legs.
I'll admit the tackle was a bit late.
He was getting into his car at the time. | 577,517 |
Why didn't the Xbox One get into heaven? Its Halos didnt work. | 577,518 |
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.
"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet. | 577,519 |
How do you tell the circumference of a pecan Pecan pi | 577,520 |
I have stopped debating with master since the day ... ... I subscribed /r/nofap. Got to keep up with the community. | 577,521 |
"I'm ready for some grill on grill action." That's the July 4 page in A Dad Joke A Day.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/98659800/a-dad-joke-a-day | 577,522 |
Man walks into a tavern. Man walks into a tavern and passed the bar. Bartender turns to him and says, "You can't be back here." Man says, "It's OK. I'm a lawyer now." | 577,523 |
What did the doctor say to the patient who refused to stop masturbating? Don't make it hard for yourself. | 577,525 |
What's the most erotic food you can eat by yourself? Beef strokin'-off | 577,526 |
So Messi, Ronaldo, and Ibrahimovic arrive at the pearly white gates... There to meet them is St. Peter, who informs them that they may pass through but their judgement is to be carried out in front of Jesus. At last they reach Jesus, who says the following...
"Messi my child, you were always good to the poor and those less fortunate. Here, I have a seat on my right hand side for you" and gestures for Messi to come take a seat.
"Ronaldo my son, though you were at times arrogant your heart is good and your daily prayers for wisdom and empathy displayed this to me. Come, take a seat on my left hand side." And Ronaldo walked to Jesus's left.
"Zlatan... Well Zlatan you" but before He could finish speaking Ibra interrupted and said "Jesus, what are you doing in my seat?"
*Heard from a Swede on a train to Stockholm a couple days ago. Sorry if you've heard before, I got a real kick out of it. | 577,527 |
What do you get when you mix beans and onions for dinner? Tear Gas | 577,528 |
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture | 577,529 |
Why did the dog keep dropping his ball? He had barkinsons disease. | 577,530 |
I saw two mute people in an argument today You could just see the anger in their words. | 577,531 |
What do you call a bunch of pro wrestlers hitting each other with blocks of cheddar and wheels of gouda? Battle Royale with cheese. | 577,532 |
You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat. | 577,535 |
I'm not racist I don't even separate my laundry | 577,537 |
Dispatch Call
Two policemen call in to Dispatch.
"Hello, Dispatch?"
"Yes."
"This is sergeant John Smith. We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on a floor that she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No, sir. The floor is still wet." | 577,538 |
I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and I've finally decided on this one. I don't know what it means, but it looks really cool! 我看不懂 | 577,539 |
Where do you send Jewish kids with Attention Deficit Disorder? Concentration camp. | 577,541 |
What is 40ft long and smells like urine? Line dancing at sun city | 577,542 |
There is a place I like to go when I want to be totally alone... ...it's called Google Plus. | 577,543 |
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