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How many verses did the Prophet Muhammad write? Allah-t.
Thanks for listening.
| 577,438 |
A man gets stopped by the T.S.A; they ask him to remove any smart devices he has on him. He removes his smart watch, smart phone, smart shoes, and smart hat -- when a smart glock is found in his waist band the agent asked why he had it... He turns and smiles -- hands raised -- and says, "I"m not a very smart man I gues... | 577,439 |
What do you do when you can't decided whether to upvote or downvote a post? Comment. | 577,440 |
My wife told me to go to the store and pick up some milk. My wife told me to go to the store and pick up some milk, and if they have potatoes, get 6. I soon came home, and she asked why the hell I had 6 gallons of milk. I said, "They had potatoes". | 577,441 |
A husband came home with half a gallon of ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick." he replied.
"Pour me some." | 577,442 |
Everyone knows that if you pee in a dream, you pee in real life... But did you know that if you go off a guard rail in a dream, you go off a guard rail in real life? | 577,443 |
Dark Humour - Baby in Blender Q : When you put a baby into a blender, why do you put her in legs first ?
A : So that you can see the expression on the face.........
| 577,444 |
A blonde was walking by a field... And saw another blonde in a rowboat paddling away at the dirt and stirring up a ton of dust.
The blonde walking called out, "Hey! What are you doing?!"
The other blonde replied, "I'm trying to get over to the barn! Could you help me?"
The blonde walking retorted, "Well, I would but I... | 577,445 |
Jesus dropped his cross for the 3rd time, and Simon of Cyrene said to him: "Do you even lift bro?" | 577,446 |
Knock Knock Knock knock
"Who's there?"
"The pilot, let me in"
Too soon? | 577,447 |
Stick with anal! A man and his wife are in the maternity ward,with the wife giving birth to their new born. his wife says "it hurts so bad! You did this to me!!"
the husband said, "Well as i recall i wanted to put it in your ass, but you said that d hurt to much!" | 577,448 |
Just found out that McDonald's is serving all-day breakfast ... ... all day breakfast? I don't have that kind of time. | 577,450 |
What's the most logical country? AND OR a | 577,451 |
I like my women like I like my antiques. . . Oriental and fragile. | 577,452 |
What is brown and sticky? A stick.... | 577,453 |
Yesterday I heard there was a robbery at a bakery, I've heard of stupid crimes... But this one really takes the cake. | 577,454 |
Husband and wife are in some financial trouble, so they decide she should sell herself . . . A husband and wife are having financial problems so they decide she should go sell herself on the street corner. Husband drops her off on the corner and waits in his car down the block just to make sure she's okay.
Guy walks ... | 577,455 |
Why the musician sold his computer... Not enough gigs. | 577,456 |
April Fools' Day! Hey! April Fools' Day is almost here! What crazy pranks are you going to pull tomorrow?! | 577,457 |
How is called the funeral of an electrical engineer? Grounding | 577,458 |
I've been eating nothing but chicken for the past few days and I finally went to the bathroom. The stench was fowl. | 577,459 |
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a gun to it's head and tell it to. | 577,460 |
I like my games like I like my women cheap and used | 577,461 |
If you're in college, what do you do when your flatmate has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub? ...throw in your dirty laundry. | 577,462 |
Heard this in an Indian soap opera.. Boy: Are you from England?
Girl: Yeah! How'd you know?
Boy: You are so beautiful, I just thought. | 577,463 |
Here's a full cup... Now shut the full cup
| 577,464 |
We've all seen Hafthór Björnsson lift that log. But the true question is, can he lift the white man's burden? | 577,465 |
What kind of coffee does an executioner drink? Decap | 577,466 |
grandpa, can I have your cigar? A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not old e... | 577,467 |
"Sir, the UAV strike bombing missed the target." "Were we at least close?"
"Not even remotely." | 577,468 |
[God-awful OC] What do you call someone who lets people rent wifi signals from them? The lanlord! | 577,469 |
What do you have when you have 1000 whites skydiving? Oil | 577,470 |
I registered as a sex offender.. ..just so I wouldn't have to wake up early to drive the kids to school. | 577,471 |
An Israeli man visits Britain An Israeli man visits Britain. The customs officer asks "Occupation?"
"No, just visiting." | 577,472 |
Two hookers are on a street corner.. One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits." | 577,473 |
Michael Jackson: Is Mr. Wall there? Russell Crowe: No.
Jackson: Is Mr.s Wall there?
Crowe: No.
Jackson: Are there any walls there?
Crowe: Um.. no?
Jackson: That what's holding up the roof?
Apparently MJ used to call up Crowe at the hotels where he was staying and tell him jokes. This was one of them. | 577,474 |
Why did the shit-kicker cross the road? To use his rich neighbor's outhouse. | 577,475 |
What do you call a midget psychic committing a crime? Small medium at large.
| 577,476 |
What's black and white and red all over A biracial couple in a knife fight | 577,477 |
What comes after 69? Mouthwash | 577,478 |
A Little More A man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he
never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his
therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was
unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny
pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you wan... | 577,479 |
Did you hear the one about the Irish boomerang ? It doesn't come back .............. it just sings about how much it wants to.
| 577,480 |
A joke from two points of view **First one is a confessional from /r/trees, the second one is a response from another user.**
I showed up to school a bit late this morning because I got way too high (forgot about the power of wake n bakes). It was towards the end of 2nd period, which I have free, so I went straight to... | 577,481 |
Maxwell's Demon walks into a bar "In or out," says the bartender. "Just stop with the damned door." | 577,482 |
What do you call a short psychic that escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
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I heard this a while ago so I don't know if it was all ready posted. Also I heard this in a video I think. | 577,483 |
What kind of pictures do hermit crabs take? Shellfies | 577,484 |
A man went to his lawyer... A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's o... | 577,485 |
I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app... When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed. | 577,486 |
"Knock knock." "Who is there?" "The pilot, open this damn door" | 577,487 |
My Favorite April Fool's Joke This is only really acceptable at the bar, on a weekend night, preferably after midnight on April 1st.
Walk up to girl of your choice, preferably one you've never met before.
"Hey (regular), do you believe in love at first sight?"
Girl (presumably): No...
"Neither did I (as whistfull... | 577,488 |
Two Mexicans riding a bicycle
Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the tr... | 577,489 |
1,3,7,9 Were murdered last night What are the odds of that happening? | 577,490 |
What did the Pirate say when he got his firecrackers? Ahoy M-80 | 577,491 |
For the past couple weeks I've been watching my weight. It's still rising. | 577,492 |
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years... Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitt... | 577,493 |
How to let your apprentice chef take care of an order My restaurant has a sign outside that says we make anything that you want to eat. So a man came in today and wanted a garden salad with Persian dressing. I freaked out as I had no idea what Persian dressing was but my smart ass apprentice chef told me not to worry a... | 577,494 |
How do you make the best Harlem Shake video? You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children. | 577,495 |
A nurse... A nurse walks into a store. She's picking up groceries after a long shift at the hospital. When she gets to the counter she takes out her cheque book and a rectal thermometer. The cashier looks at her confused and says "lady why do you gotta rectal thermometer?" "Oh shit," exclaimed the lady "some assholes g... | 577,496 |
And this pickup line is broght to you by Budweiser.... And this pickup line is broght to you by Budweiser:
---Budweiser: and who do we have here, standing so pretty and so quiet? | 577,497 |
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in. | 577,498 |
I have a friend whose fetish is cashews. He's fucking nuts. | 577,499 |
How do whores in Westeros get into the castle? Hodor. | 577,500 |
I think my friend masturbates to Sasquatch. He said he had a big foot fetish. | 577,501 |
Why did the hillbilly cross the road? His dick was in the chicken | 577,502 |
With Easter coming up With Easter coming up it has me wondering. Is the Easter bunny a shell for big egg? | 577,503 |
Whats black and thin and all over my private parts? Dead African Children | 577,504 |
Doesn't Sink A farmer had a really beautiful daughter who wanted to get married. The farmer hated the Idea so he came up with a challenge for whoever completes its will have his daughter had in marriage. He took all the manure from all the animals and made a small lake out of it. For whoever drives there car across the... | 577,505 |
What do you call someone who helped take pictures of you, while your wife wasn't with you, during your vacation? A dedicated friend ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) | 577,506 |
I'm sick of all these holocaust jokes. My Grandfather died in a concentration camp. Dumb bastard fell off the guard tower. | 577,507 |
What hand do you use to wipe your butt? Right or left? For those that answered right or left, you guys are gross I use toilet paper. | 577,508 |
These two girls are at a Halloween party... One is dressed as pirate and completely wasted. She notices her friend is missing. She starts searching the house and checking in every room she can find. She opens the door to a bedroom and her friend is on her knees giving some guy head. The pirate girl yells out "Thar she ... | 577,509 |
How was 9/11 an inside job? If the planes came from the outside. | 577,510 |
An elderly women decided to have her potrait painted An elderly women decided to have her potrait painted. She told the artist: 'Paint me with diamond earrings, Diamond necklace, A ruby broach and a gokd Rolex.'
"But you are not wearing any of these things."
'I know' She said. 'Its in case I die before my husband. I'm ... | 577,511 |
Whom does Ban Ki-Moon revolve around? Ban Ki-Earth. | 577,512 |
$10 COMPLAINT A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?" | 577,513 |
A Woman Told Her Husband About Her Day.. "And then she asked I to pick it up! Can you believe that?" His wife said.
Confused, the husband asked, "Don't you mean, and then she asked me to pick it up?"
She gasped and slapped him across the face. "Pig." | 577,514 |
What is that bad smell in Calc Class? P U-Substitution! | 577,515 |
This woman in India has given birth... This woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound boy.
Doctors say they expect the kid to be walking 6 months before his mum. | 577,516 |
I've just been given a six months suspension... I've just been given a six months suspension from football.
I caught an opponent with a tackle which actually broke both his legs.
I'll admit the tackle was a bit late.
He was getting into his car at the time. | 577,517 |
Why didn't the Xbox One get into heaven? Its Halos didnt work. | 577,518 |
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.
"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet. | 577,519 |
How do you tell the circumference of a pecan Pecan pi | 577,520 |
I have stopped debating with master since the day ... ... I subscribed /r/nofap. Got to keep up with the community. | 577,521 |
"I'm ready for some grill on grill action." That's the July 4 page in A Dad Joke A Day.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/98659800/a-dad-joke-a-day | 577,522 |
Man walks into a tavern. Man walks into a tavern and passed the bar. Bartender turns to him and says, "You can't be back here." Man says, "It's OK. I'm a lawyer now." | 577,523 |
What did the doctor say to the patient who refused to stop masturbating? Don't make it hard for yourself. | 577,525 |
What's the most erotic food you can eat by yourself? Beef strokin'-off | 577,526 |
So Messi, Ronaldo, and Ibrahimovic arrive at the pearly white gates... There to meet them is St. Peter, who informs them that they may pass through but their judgement is to be carried out in front of Jesus. At last they reach Jesus, who says the following...
"Messi my child, you were always good to the poor and those... | 577,527 |
What do you get when you mix beans and onions for dinner? Tear Gas | 577,528 |
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture | 577,529 |
Why did the dog keep dropping his ball? He had barkinsons disease. | 577,530 |
I saw two mute people in an argument today You could just see the anger in their words. | 577,531 |
What do you call a bunch of pro wrestlers hitting each other with blocks of cheddar and wheels of gouda? Battle Royale with cheese. | 577,532 |
You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat. | 577,535 |
I'm not racist I don't even separate my laundry | 577,537 |
Dispatch Call
Two policemen call in to Dispatch.
"Hello, Dispatch?"
"Yes."
"This is sergeant John Smith. We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on a floor that she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No, sir. The floor is still wet." | 577,538 |
I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and I've finally decided on this one. I don't know what it means, but it looks really cool! 我看不懂 | 577,539 |
Where do you send Jewish kids with Attention Deficit Disorder? Concentration camp. | 577,541 |
What is 40ft long and smells like urine? Line dancing at sun city | 577,542 |
There is a place I like to go when I want to be totally alone... ...it's called Google Plus. | 577,543 |
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