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What is a prostitute's favorite region of America? The Bayou | 577,647 |
What do you call a cat crossed with a canary? a cosh(x/a) | 577,648 |
Wife's Anniversary present A wife had been hinting at her husband that she wanted something really fast for their anniversary.. Something that goes from 0 to 80 in 3 seconds. The husband got her a scale. | 577,650 |
3 Presidents are in a Plane So three presidents are in a plane, an American one, a French one, and a Mexican one. As they were flying, the American president stuck his hand out (one of those windowless planes), and said "hey, were in America!" The French president asks how did he know they were in America, and the Amer... | 577,651 |
What did one pencil say to the other? 2B or not 2B? | 577,652 |
Kylie Jenner and a jigsaw puzzle Kylie Jenner was exhausted from doing nothing all week, so she thought she would relax over the weekend and do a 5 piece jigsaw puzzle. After three days Kylie finished the puzzle and showed it to her mother Kris. Kris immediately called the Guinness book of Records. Guinness sent a repr... | 577,653 |
Post your best racist joke here I'll start: I tried to paint my computer black so it would run faster but now it doesn't work! | 577,654 |
What did the male cat say to the female cat. Damn girl you looking feline. | 577,655 |
Two farmers are having an argument... ...and after squabbling for an hour, they decided to compare their most prized possessions.
The first farmer says, "Look at the size of my cock! Isn't it big?"
The second farmer looks at his cock and says, "Mine's bigger, and is constantly surrounded by chicks." | 577,656 |
Weight loss How can you help a fat person lose a quick 300 pounds?
Give them a gun | 577,657 |
I like my eggs like I like my women Beaten | 577,658 |
3 guys V the Taliban These 3 guys were working in Afghanistan and got captured by the Taliban . In attempt of fairness, they were told to pick an animal in which they could make their escape. However, the Taliban would chase them, and if they were caught, they would die.
The first guy choose a horse. He jumped onto t... | 577,659 |
So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened... It just didn't make scents. | 577,660 |
Knock Knock "Who's there" Knock "Knock Who?" Knock Knock | 577,661 |
My friend and I were at a talent show And he thought the current act on stage was finished so he started clapping loudly until he realized he was the only one clapping and was really embarrassed.
I leaned over to him and said "it's ok man, a lot of guys suffer from premature jubilation".
True story | 577,662 |
Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars. Girls go to Venus to get more penis. | 577,663 |
Do you like pudding? Bill Cosby like pudding his dick where it didn't belong. | 577,664 |
My friend thinks the newly married couple of #s 4 and 9 are a boring one. I told him that's normal as they are pretty square. | 577,665 |
Did you hear Princess Diana divorced her husband? She heard a ruler was supposed to have 12 inches. | 577,666 |
Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes? It takes 21 days to make a habit. | 577,667 |
I told my girlfriend I'm JFK Because I'm the king of cum-a-lot | 577,668 |
Two bee keepers are chatting.... "How many Bees do you have?"
"10,000"
"How many hives?"
"10"
"cool"
"What about you? how many bees do you have?"
"A million"
"Wow and how many hives?"
"1"
"You've got a million bees in 1 hive!?"
"yeah fuck em, they're only bees" | 577,669 |
A lazy man's aparment is dirty... and as he watches TV he sees an advertisement for pets that can clean a house with ease from the local pet shop
The next morning the man walks in and asks about the pets. The shopkeeper gives him a monkey and says "your house will be spotless". The man takes the monkey home and the mo... | 577,670 |
When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, "O MG!" | 577,671 |
what is hitler's favorite font heilvetica | 577,672 |
I sometimes love math jokes.... 50% of the time they put me in a positive mood | 577,673 |
A friend asked me, Is there a black Greek god?.. Nike | 577,674 |
¿Has oído hablar de ese país con la guerra civil? No te rías. ¡Es sería! | 577,675 |
Two cows are standing in a field... Two cows are standing in a field enjoying some hay when the first cows looks to the second cow and says, "Hey, have you heard about this Mad Cow disease?" "No," says the second cow, "what is it?"
"Well apparently, it's something awful. It's supposedly makes us go crazy and it sprea... | 577,676 |
What is the definition of a good farmer? A man outstanding in his field. | 577,677 |
my daughter is 3. her joke about spiders: Spiders make Websites.
she's not wrong. | 577,678 |
The Priest's Rooster The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked t... | 577,679 |
What do you call a horny Welshman on top of the Space Needle? Sheepless in Seattle | 577,680 |
What is the meanest thing you could do to a blind person ? Leave the plunger on the toilet. | 577,681 |
Why are the other numbers afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. | 577,682 |
I have an epileptic friend... He's a jerk... | 577,683 |
Three ladies on a park bench "There are three birds on a wire," the female teacher says, "and one gets shot down. how many are left?"
"None," says Johnny.
"Why do you say that Johnny?"
"Because the gunshot would scare the others away."
"Well. the correct answer is two, but I like the way you think, Johnny."
"I've ... | 577,684 |
Did you hear about the scam artist born with only one testicle? The doctors say it's a congenital defect. | 577,685 |
Just heard Barrack Obama's main writer has been killed.. Sources reporting that he is currently speechless. | 577,686 |
A bowl of cornflakes walks into a bar The barman says "get out, we don't serve breakfast here" | 577,687 |
A blond chick gets a new tattoo... So later at the bar with her friends she hikes up her skirt to show off a conch shell tattooed high on her inner thigh, near her snootch.
One of her friends asks, "Why did you get it so on your thigh?"
"So that when you put your ear against it, you can smell the ocean." | 577,688 |
Saw a sign that said "piso mojado" and all I could think about was . . how that piso just came here to do the work Americans pisos don't want to do. | 577,689 |
Have you heard about the mutant mathematicians? They're multiplying! | 577,690 |
How many Super Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGONBALL ZEEEEE!
(I really hope this isn't a repost) | 577,691 |
What do you call a computer programmer that likes to kidnap children? A PDFile. | 577,692 |
A young guy is sitting... On a park bench across from an old man. He pulls out a chocolate bar and wolfs it down. He proceeds to this a few times.
After the fifth bat, the old man shouts over to him: "You know that's your fifth bar of chocolate? That's mot very healthy, you'll het acne and all sorts of health problems... | 577,693 |
Two men dress up as women. Shots fired at NSA HQ. | 577,694 |
What do dyslexic zombies want to eat? Brians | 577,696 |
A recently fired stock trader said.. A recently fired stock trader said , "This is worse than divorce I have lost everything and I still have my wife..."
*I'll show myself out* | 577,697 |
Did you see the Stevie Wonder joke on reddit today? Neither did he. | 577,698 |
Why did Billy Joel get acquitted? Because he didn't start the fire. | 577,699 |
OP figured out one weird trick to get more upvotes. You'll be astonished! Redditors hate him!! | 577,700 |
So two bits... grab a byte at the space bar. | 577,701 |
Hitler and his men are having a meeting. Hitler: We will kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown.
Men: Why the clown?
Hitler: See! I told you nobody cares about the Jews! | 577,702 |
Why did the chicken cross the road To get away from her abusive cock of a husband | 577,703 |
The best anniversary present A woman went into a novelty store and asked if they had anything interesting that she could get her husband for their anniversary. The man reached under the counter and said "I have just the thing", as he lifted up a caged frog. He said this frog is great, it gives amazing blow jobs, so yo... | 577,704 |
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *gargling noise* | 577,705 |
Two Leprechauns Knock on the Door of a Convent. The Mother Superior answers.
"Em, 'scuse me, Mother Superior," the first leprechaun says, "but you aren't after having any midget nuns in this convent?"
"Why, no little man" says she, "we have no midget nuns in this convent."
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in th... | 577,706 |
I always wear an athletic cup. It's over-protection in a nut shell. | 577,707 |
Food, Family and Philosophy A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go for a picnic in the park. A... | 577,708 |
A nurse goes to retrieve a heart from cold storage to be used in a future surgery. the heart she was looking for was up on a high shelf, and as she went to retrieve it, the shelf tips over, she loses her balance and all the hearts stored on that shelf fall on top of her.
The investigation afterwards concluded she died... | 577,709 |
What is it called when two little people get divorced? Daworfed | 577,710 |
Being a penis is rough Your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an ass hole, your best friend is a pussy, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up! | 577,711 |
I told my dad I didn't want to walk all the way there... ...He said: "That's a lame excuse". | 577,712 |
It's all shits and giggles until........ someone giggles and shits | 577,713 |
when people post the punchline in the title You know what I hate? | 577,714 |
Did you know that a sound of 100 decibels... Did you know that a sound of 1000 decibels takes enough energy to create a black hole large enough to swallow the universe?
So don't show my wife a spider. | 577,715 |
A Little Boy and His Chores A Little boy sits down and ask his mom for breakfast. The mom ask "have you done your chores?" He pouts and says, "no, chores are dumb" The mom says he can't have breakfast until they're done
So the boy walks outside and walks over to the cow and begins milking her. While doing so he gets p... | 577,716 |
What's a mathematician's favorite kind of music? Logarithms | 577,717 |
An elderly woman rang her husband while he was driving... He heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Darling, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the freeway, please be careful!"
He replied, "There's not just one car, there's hundreds of them!" | 577,718 |
Candlelight is romantic until... Candlelight is romantic until she realizes your electricity has been shut off. | 577,719 |
What do you get when you merge Revenge with Grey's Anatomy? Graysonatomy. | 577,720 |
It really annoys me when new Redditors act like they know everything about Reddit. SO I always click dislike on their posts. | 577,721 |
What are some (appropriate) ginger jokes I can use in an entertaining speech? I'm making an entertaining speech for my speech and drama class and I'm having trouble coming up with jokes and funny content to add into it. I'm a ginger myself, but I am really not a funny person so appropriate ginger jokes would be appreci... | 577,722 |
The British have unknowingly figuered out politics Countries or as the British call it "Cunt-Trees", as the name suggests, are trees that grow Cunts. When the Cunt-Tree sprouts it takes some time for it to reach the age where it can bare fruit. Eventually the Cunt-Tree will be full of cunts and some of cunts will reach... | 577,723 |
Did you hear about the new wine that the Taliban is selling in the US to help fund its war efforts? They call it "White Infidel." | 577,724 |
I didn't much like being a vegetarian It was just one missed steak after another | 577,725 |
Walk into the men's room and... A husband is walking through the mall with his wife when he suddenly realizes that he really has to pee. The couple walk down to the other end of the mall to the restrooms and the husband enters. When he walks in he notices only 2 urinals, and standing in front of one is a man with no ar... | 577,726 |
What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? A boy scout comes home from camp.
| 577,727 |
clean jokes What did one cookie say to the other cookie ? You've got a chip on your shoulder.
What did the deer say to the bear? Your unbearable | 577,728 |
In a medieval kingdom... There's a force of Knights who dominated the land - you could always tell if they were about to attack you, because they would chuck a giant rock with a war symbol on it before they arrived to kill. Hence, they became known as the 'signs'. They had two forces: a main force, but then a company w... | 577,729 |
What did Helen Keller say when she picked up a cheese grater? That was the most violent book I've ever read.......... | 577,731 |
I just received an email titled $50 TO SEE JUSTIN BIEBER LIVE I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms. | 577,732 |
I helped deliver a baby baby liver is delicious | 577,733 |
A blind man walks into a bar... ...and a chair...and a table. | 577,734 |
A teacher is teaching a class.. A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teac... | 577,735 |
What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? So you're the one! | 577,736 |
A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put... | 577,737 |
There's this crazy dude who makes a living spouting gibberish all day But the crazy thing is he only gets paid in dollar bills
He makes no sense | 577,738 |
Two cannibals are eating a guy... They decide to split him up into halves. One cannibal takes the top and the other takes the bottom. The cannibal on the bottom asks the one eating the top half how it tastes.
"Good, can't complain." he replies
The cannibal on top asks the cannibal eating the lower half how it's going... | 577,739 |
Why aren't there any jokes about Jim Jones? The punchlines are too long. | 577,740 |
I was telling a joke to my friend with dwarfism I became pretty awkward because it went right over his head. | 577,741 |
Blowjobs did not live up to my expectations. They suck. | 577,742 |
Why don't eggs like comedians? Cause they always crack them up | 577,743 |
A man is playing a terrible round of golf. On one hole, he slices his drive off into the woods. While searching for his ball, he comes upon a Witch. The Witch says " How's your golf game?" " Terrible" he says " Look how far I've sliced it into the woods. I've been so bad lately" " I've got a spell I can put on you" Sa... | 577,744 |
I make rabbit tuxedos for a living. I'm a hare-dresser. | 577,745 |
A blonde gets on an airplane A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first c... | 577,746 |
There was once a psych researcher with a rare genetic defect that gave her four buttocks. She was fired for being bi-assed. | 577,748 |
[Remembering] Today is the 10th anniversary of the passing of Mitch Hedberg Share some of your favorite Hedberg lines! Personally, I quote these ones the most:
"I have not slept for ten days because that would be too long."
"I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to, too!" | 577,749 |
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, ... | 577,750 |
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