text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
|---|---|
As mad as I have been at my boyfriend, I still have never demeaned the size of his penis... That's just a dick move. | 577,855 |
How to insult someone with class. Heard a guy at work say this to a high school kid after he asked which world war came first.
Do you know why the chicken crossed the road?
No?
To get to the idiot's house!
Knock knock !
Who's there?
THE CHICKEN YOU FUCKING IDIOT! | 577,856 |
A guy texts his neighbor... A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"." | 577,857 |
Having friends is... Like peeing your pants, every one can see it, but only you can feel the warmth. | 577,858 |
Pls genius There were 5 people remaining in a burning airplane. However, there were only 4 parachutes. One guy proclaimed that he's the smartest thing that ever hid this planet, grabbed a parachute, and jumped out. A woman said she was pregnant, so she took a parachute and jumped. An older man said that seeing as he was the CEO of a very successful company, many lives were depending on him, so he took another chute, and jumped. This left an old man and a teenager. The old man launched into a speech about how he had experienced more in life than the teen, so the teen should take the parachute. The teen, however, said that there were still 2 parachutes. Confused, the old man asked how. The teen grinned, and told him that the "genius" had grabbed his backpack. | 577,859 |
Gay jokes are not funny Cum on guys.... | 577,860 |
It's impossible to think about uptown funk without getting it stuck in your head... Don't believe me? Just watch! | 577,861 |
Do you know the Greek version of Monopoly? It's called Monopoulos and you just borrow all the money from the bank.
Everyone loses. | 577,862 |
I'd like to teach under-privelaged kids lattice geometry Nothing would give me more pleasure than getting at-risk youth hooked on crystal math.
**EDIT** I'm terribly sorry for misspelling under-privileged | 577,863 |
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? RUN!
She's got a grenade in her mouth! | 577,864 |
Why did Hu wind-up worse off than Yu? Because Hu died and made Yu king.
Hu died and made Yu king?
Isn't that what I just said? | 577,865 |
The Deaf Wife Problem Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Rhonda, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response..
So he walks right up behind her. "Rhonda, what's for dinner?"
"For the FIFTH time Fred, CHICKEN!!" | 577,866 |
How do you know your gf is getting fat? She starts fitting in your wife's clothes... | 577,867 |
What do you call an indian mechanic? Pinnedunderjeep. | 577,868 |
There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides. One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, this conflict involved three opposing sides, each one of them desperately wanting victory.
However, as the war meandered on, it became evident to the vikings and French that the Anglos were in the better position. The leaders of both sides decided to set aside their differences and unite against the Anglos. However, English spies determined that the two other sides were making a treaty and notified Anglo government. This led the Anglo king to make a decision to send one his best officers to supervise the signing of the treaty. Not wanting the French and Vikings to catch on to his actions, he decided to have the officer pose as a Germanic feudal king.
On November 11th 1069 (this date has been debated by historians, due to the conversion to the Gregorian calendar), the French and Vikings signed the historic peace treaty in an undisclosed location in France (most historical evidence from this date is lost; documents were presumed to be destroyed by Mongol invaders). Unbeknownst to the French and Vikings, the Anglo officer would be in the room during the official signing of the treaty.
Some say it was his charisma, others say it was his disguise, but historians have verified that the Anglo spy (named Trigon O'Metry) somehow convinced his enemies to permit to sign below their names as a witness. Thus, the era of British espionage began, and the two opposing sides conducted business as usual, neither of their leaders being none the wiser.
Early war industries in France and Sweden worked in overdrive, producing twice the weapons and military supplies than they had earlier, due to the cooperation between the nations. In a poor decision on both sides' part (which ultimately led to the end of the war), both the French and the Vikings decided to pool their resources, sending fleets of vessels into the middle of the sea. The whole fleet would contain all of the resources each empire produced, which if you remember, was twice the normal output. In addition, the French and Vikings each sent their best squire, in preparation for their invasion of the Anglo empire. However, the Anglos knew that they were coming (mostly due to the effectiveness of their spies) so they had sent their best squire, whom they had trained for months. This squire swam all the way across the English channel to the coast of France, where he would single-handedly conquer the French empire.
Not everything went so well for the British. Suspicion by the French general Al-Titude led to the discovery of the British spy. So, O'Metry was then sent to board the vanguard of the Viking-French fleet (or the French-Viking fleet, depending where you're from). However, this fleet was virtually unguarded, which allowed the British to capture them easily.
So began the course of the final battle of the war. The British, having captured the Viking-French fleet and holding it in the French port city of Paris, possessed nearly all of the firepower of the opposing sides. In addition to this, the British rescued their POW spy. The only thing left to defeat was the French and Viking squire, who were stationed in Bordeaux with a new mission to repel the incoming British invasion. Little is known about the battle, but the following is certain:
The squire of the side opposite the Anglo is equivalent to the sum of the squires of the two opposite sides minus twice the products of the opposite sides and the cosign of the Anglo.
| 577,869 |
How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom? A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?"
His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!"
The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?" | 577,870 |
You know what they say about location in real estate? Not much but they say it three times. | 577,871 |
The neighbor's daughter is 16 years old. At least, she said she was. How much trouble are you in? | 577,872 |
I bought a book on eBay called "How to Scam on eBay". It still hasn't arrived. | 577,873 |
I hide photos on my computer of me I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them. | 577,874 |
THE NEW RECRUIT A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship,
when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway.
After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel." | 577,875 |
What do you call an arcade game that involves you hitting avocados that pop out of the top of it? Guac-A-Mole. | 577,876 |
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change shit. | 577,877 |
Cajun cock fight The Sheriff down in Lafayette called Thibodeaux into his office.
"We have reports of an illegal cock fighting ring here in the Parrish, go down there tonight and see what's going on." Said the Sheriff
So that evening Thibodeaux put on his street clothes and headed out to the location. He watched and took careful notes.
The next morning he reported back to the Sheriff.
"Deys three groups involved in the cock fights. De Texas Aggies. De cajuns, and de mafia," said Thibodeaux proudly.
"We have been trying to crack this thing for 3 months. How did you figure it out in one night?" Exclaimed the Sheriff.
"Well, it's simple really. I knew dem Aggies wuz involved when someone entered a duck into a cock fight. I knew de Cajuns wuz involved when someone bet on de duck. I knew de mafia was involved when de duck won." | 577,878 |
Why do computer programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25 | 577,879 |
All mushrooms are edible. ...Once. | 577,880 |
Knock knock... Who's there?
The pilot, let me in. | 577,881 |
wtc that awkward moment when your crush asks who your crush is | 577,882 |
Paddy and Billy were asked to measure a flagpole. They're standing looking up at the flagpole trying to figure out how on earth to measure the height of the pole.
A young lady comes along and asks why they look so confused.
"We need to measure the height of this pole" says Billy.
So the young lady pulls the pin out of the bottom to drop the pole, grabs their tape measure and says with a smug grin, "28ft, the pole is 28ft". She then carries on walking.
"Well isn't that a typical know-it-all woman" says Paddy.
"Hows that?" asked Billy.
Paddy replies "Well we need the height of the pole, not the fecking width!" | 577,883 |
Chuck Norris once flushed a condom Three weeks later the ninja turtles were born | 577,884 |
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to change it, and the other one to change it back again. | 577,885 |
Blonde with a twist Q: What do you get when you combine a blonde woman with a physicist?
A: Marie Curie | 577,886 |
A Jew asks for a $5000 loan A Jew walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, jew, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The Jew says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The Jew is completely positive. He hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at him. They check his credentials, make sure he is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When he comes back, he pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Jew, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The Jew replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" | 577,887 |
Groaner Running out of sausage is a busy pizza maker's wurst nightmare. | 577,888 |
What do you call a cannibal who eats quadriplegics? Vegetarians. | 577,889 |
How do you kill a snail? With an as-salt rifle! | 577,890 |
BLONDE BICYCLE Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike?
A: It was going too fast for her to get on. | 577,891 |
Why does 71 like 68? Because 68 69 70. | 577,892 |
Sally Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Not Sally. | 577,893 |
What do you call a cheap boob job? A discount rack. | 577,894 |
what did one typewriter say to the other? I must be pregnant ... I missed a period ... | 577,895 |
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large. | 577,896 |
THE MORTICIAN'S BIG DISCOVERY While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!" | 577,897 |
What does a feminist pick up from the post office? Their femail | 577,898 |
Logarithms... are musical, because they're all about that base. | 577,899 |
Someone called me CIS today(guess they didn't expect me to know chemistry) Someone called me cis today. I don't like being called that so I told them that I was single and I'm open to rotating with different partners so really I'm anti or syn. They didn't laugh. Not sure if bad chemistry or bad joke... :-/ | 577,901 |
What's the difference between jokes and dicks? What's the difference between jokes and dicks?
Your mom hates jokes. | 577,902 |
What does Charlie Sheen say when he's having sex with a Vietnamese Lady? Nguyenning! | 577,903 |
Waddya get if you mix Canadian Club and Southern Comfort? What you most assuredly deserve | 577,904 |
There are 11 types of people... People who understand binary, people who don't, and people who are tired of the same damn binary joke being reposted over and over. | 577,905 |
The horse and the chicken Horse and chicken are best buds, the love frolicking in the farm. One rainy day they get too close to the pond and the horse falls in, getting himself stuck he exclaims, "chicken, save me! I can't swim!"
Always the quick thinker, chicken runs up to the farmers house, grabs the keys to the BMW, backs it up to the pond, then ties a rope around the BMW tow hooks, then ties a rope around the horse, then drives forward thus pulling him to safety.
The horse is saved!!
A few weeks go by and, again, playing by the pond, the chicken gets stuck in the water. "Help! Horse! Remember how I saved you!? Help, I can't swim!"
The horse responds. "well I can't drive stick. So here, I've an idea, I'll stand over the pond and let my dick hang down, you grab a hold and I'll pull you out."
The chicken is saved!!
The moral of the story is, if you've got a big dick you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. | 577,906 |
What's the hardest part about wearing crocs in college? Swimming through the ocean of pussy to get to class | 577,907 |
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEE | 577,908 |
What did one lawyer say to another lawyer? We are both lawyers. | 577,909 |
DIVORCED BARBIE Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie?
A: All of Ken's stuff. | 577,910 |
"Knock knock" "Who's there?"
"The pilot! Let me in!"
.
.
.
Too soon? | 577,911 |
What is the smallest part of a little person? Their wee-knees!
| 577,912 |
Why is divorce so expensive? because it's worth it.
I'm going through a divorce right now and my dad just told me this joke. It's dumb but it made me laugh uncontrollably. | 577,913 |
What's Ellen Pao's husband's favourite web plugin? Ponzi Buddy. | 577,914 |
STEP UP? Ive got a step ladder,I never really knew my real ladder | 577,915 |
When I die I want my group project members to lower me into my grave So they can let me down one last time. | 577,916 |
Did you hear the pizza guy's joke? He has excellent delivery. | 577,918 |
A man accused of having sex with an underage girl stands in front of the judge The man says to the judge in his defense, "Your honor, she told me she was 18!" The judge, visibly enraged, angrily responds, "She was only THREE YEARS OLD!"
*Great joke for dinner parties* | 577,919 |
Bon voyage... A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go
to Italy , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." | 577,920 |
Which types of people make the best lovers? [NSFW] The terminally ill, because they'll fuck you like there's no tomorrow. | 577,921 |
I'll never have a stable job I don't really enjoy working with horses | 577,922 |
You guys know any Sodium jokes? Na. | 577,923 |
Why aren't koalas real bears? Because they don't meet the koalifications! | 577,924 |
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who know binary, those who don't and those who weren't expecting this to be written in base 3.
What did you think of that little bit i added on the end? :D | 577,925 |
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the knickers. | 577,926 |
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet. | 577,927 |
A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.” | 577,928 |
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa | 577,930 |
If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkey ate my rooster's feet, what would we have? Two feet of my cock in your ass. | 577,931 |
A father says to his son, Father: son stop masturbating so much or you'll go blind
Son: dad I'm over here | 577,932 |
Heaven is... ... where the police are British,
the cooks are Italian,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are French
and it is all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German,
the cooks are English,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss,
and it is all organised by the Italians. | 577,933 |
What's a metaphor? Winning the game tournament! | 577,934 |
Why can't you make a movie with with Jewish people smoking weed? You can't show a group of Jews getting baked | 577,935 |
So a Woman had a black eye... A woman walked into her docters office with a black eye. The doctor said, is he beating you, she replied "Yes."
The next day the woman came back with ANOTHER black eye. This time the doctor said, "I know what to do to help you."
She replied, "Oh really, what?"
The doctor says, "Fill your mouth with Grape juice before you get home, and dont let the grape juice come out of your mouth at all. After he goes to bed, you can spit it out."
The next day, the woman comes back and says, "Oh my God, it worked, how did you know!"
The doctor says, "See, look what happens when you keep your mouth shut." | 577,936 |
The definition of an oxymoron /r/Productivity | 577,937 |
Magic Elixir of Life A man was walking through Sarasota selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life."
Of course there were complaints and the police arrested him. They ran a background check of him and found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in England . . . . in 1660. | 577,938 |
What are three signs old age? 1. Becoming forgetful
| 577,939 |
What do cannibals on a budget eat? Ramen.
(Sound it out.) | 577,940 |
Beggars on Wall Street There are three beggars begging on Wall Street. The first beggar wrote ”Beggar” on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.
The next day, the second beggar wrote ”Beggar.com” on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.
The following day, the third beggar wrote ”e-Beg” on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix. a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.
| 577,941 |
BIRD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable. | 577,942 |
What's black, white, and red all over? Two nuns in a chainsaw battle. | 577,943 |
Some guy keeps saying he's going to post a pic of his girlfriend in his next submission to r/Femdom but never delivers OP is a flagellate | 577,944 |
Where does Kylie buy her kebabs? From Jason's Doner Van.
(Sorry, I'm guessing this one's only for the Aussies and Brits) | 577,945 |
Ass kissing the gateway drug I would like to talk about a problem with in America today, which has forced Indiana's hand with it's new legislation, that problem is ass kissing. 94.3% of all ass kissers eventually move on to sucking dick. Ass kissing is the gateway drug to becoming gay. I would like everyone to do their part in helping America by putting an end to ass kissers. So be a friend and next time your coworker starts up just stop him and knock the boss' dick out of your coworkers' mouth. America will thank you. | 577,946 |
An auk breathes from his ass One day he sits down and dies. | 577,947 |
It's great to see that the French finally grew a pair of balls and took down a German Aircraft... but the war ended 70 years ago | 577,948 |
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $6000 Loan And the bartender says, "Look, lady. Do you want something to drink or not?" | 577,949 |
What kind of tape do kidnappers use? abDUCT tape | 577,950 |
What do you call a deer with no eyes no eye deer (i'll see myself out) | 577,951 |
What did the Ferguson police said about the black guy who was shot down? Worst case of suicide they have ever seen
| 577,952 |
It's a Boy! James shouted, It's a Boy!!! i still can't believe it! ..with tears rolling down ,James came running out .....swearing never ever to come back to Bangkok again! xD | 577,953 |
So an old British gentlemen visits Ireland and remembers the good old days when he was posted there.. * He orders tea from a roadside cafe and sees a young irish guy sticking his finger in the cup while he brings him the tea.
* He takes the tea and while sipping it talks to the boy.. when will you bloody learn some manners , this is not how you hold a cup of tea.
* Young boy: Sorry sir, i hurt my finger this morning , the doctor told me to keep it warm
* Old guy: Fkin stick it up ur bum then its warmer there you idiot!
* Young boy: I had the same idea sir, i had it up there before you ordered the tea :D | 577,954 |
I knew I'do have to close the podiatry clinic I had opened in Paris. I smelled defeat. | 577,955 |
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? It was a while ago... but I heard he's al right now | 577,956 |
What is the national bird of Afghanistan? The Boeing 757 | 577,958 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.