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4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.
| 577,751 |
How did LaKeisha's Mom finally stop her from bouncing on the trampoline in the rec room? She put a piece of velcro on the ceiling. | 577,752 |
Why were the children jumping for Joy? Because Joy was stuck on the roof. | 577,753 |
In the final analysis, why did Yu do better than Hu? Hu died and left Yu king.
Wait a minute - how can you so sure about what's after death? Who died and left you king?
Isn't that what I just said? | 577,754 |
Rocket Scientists really know how to... Rock it out! | 577,755 |
What do you call a good looking Spanish/Jewish guy? Flacowitz | 577,756 |
Asked my friend to make up a joke about two Canadians and a Bear A visually impaired Canadian is notified that a bear has broken into his house and is eating all his food.
He hurries home and into the kitchen, where he finds A: his hairy housemate and B: a bear.
But he doesn't know which is which!
"Shoot us both," the housemate says, "it's the only way you can be sure!"
"RRRRAAAAWWWRRR," says the bear.
...He doesn't shoot any of them, because firearms are dangerous and strictly regulated in Canada. | 577,757 |
Hey everyone. I created a new word today. Plagiarism. | 577,759 |
So two strings wiggle into bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here - get out!" So they both leave and they start pulling apart their ends and then entangle themselves together and re-enter the bar. When they enter the bartender takes one look at them and shouts "Didn't I just kick you two string out of here a minute ago?"
To which they respond "No sir, - we're a frayed knot." | 577,760 |
What killed the newspaperman? Bad circulation. | 577,761 |
Went to a KKK meeting the other day... It was a load of white sheet. | 577,762 |
What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The fridge doesnt fart when i pull my meat out | 577,763 |
What I really hate... Bob Marley and his friend were playing tennis and Bob Marley won the first set. It was One-Love.
But what I really hate is when people go right to the end to read the punchline before reading the rest of the joke first. | 577,764 |
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? Don't expect me to get hard in 3 minutes, I just got laid this morning. | 577,765 |
I like my women like I like my weather. 60 and dry. | 577,766 |
What does a soviet call someone with good vision? Glasnots. | 577,767 |
A man walks into a pet store and he walks over to the clerk sees this parrot and yelps, "Holy moly, that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen!!!"
"That's my mother..."
"Oh sorry, yeah well the parrot's nice. How much?"
| 577,768 |
A Baby Seal Walks Into A Club... I'll see myself out. | 577,769 |
Iv'e never been so proud of myself.. Just completed a jigsaw puzzle in 8 days..
It said 3-4 years on the box!! | 577,770 |
Why did the vibrator go to the bar? To catch a buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz | 577,771 |
I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now. | 577,772 |
Daddy Issues So I was having sex with this chick the other night. She was real freaky. She kept saying "ahh yeah, fuck me like daddy used to." It made me very uncomfortable. I mean, why did she have to bring up our father? | 577,773 |
Anyone seen the movie about the female eye doctor who's always naked when she kills her patients? It's called 'Lasik Instinct'. | 577,774 |
I was pooping in a bathroom with no windows when the there was a power outage. When I had to wipe my butt I couldn't see shit. | 577,775 |
How do you find a fat girl's pussy? Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. | 577,776 |
A policeman had been waiting with a speed gun for hours. All the cars passing were obeying the law for hours on end. To the point the cop is getting fed up.
Just before he's about to pack up and leave a young driver comes speeding round the corner. So the cop pulls up behind him and pulls him over.
When the officer approached the window he said "ive been waiting all day for you to drive passed"
The young lad replies "yeah I got here as fast as I could"
The cop laughs and let's him go. | 577,777 |
Welcome to the BBC... Welcome to the BBC.
Rape all the children you like, just don't punch a producer. | 577,778 |
The drunkard and the bum Source: http://lordsofthedrinks.com/2015/03/30/joke-the-drunkard-and-the-bum/
After a night of heavy boozing a man stumbles out of a bar. To sober up a bit he decides to walk home instead of taking a taxi. Soon he finds himself in a dodgy part of town, where he has never been before. Then a homeless person gets in front of him and asks the man for some change.
The man looks at the bum and says: “I bet you’re gonna get beers for that money, aren’t you?”
– Oh no sir, the bum replies with the face of an angel.
“Hmmm, no beers. So you’re gonna get wine then, ey?!”
– No sir, certainly not. I never drink wine.
“Aha, so you’re gonna get hard liquor right?!
– Absolutely not sir. In fact I never touched a drop of alcohol in my entire life.
“In that case, why don’t you come with me to my place”, the man says.
– Oh sir, that would be too much hospitality. I really couldn’t.
The man looks at the bum and replies: “Hospitality? I’m not offering you anything. I just want you to come with me, so I can show my nagging wife what happens to people who don’t drink.” | 577,779 |
An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for the same job. The job they're applying for is at an engineering firm in Dublin.
Both the Irishman and the Norwegian do so well in the interview the boss can't decide who to hire, so he sets up a small aptitude test.
Both men again score the same. 19/20 correct.
After some waiting the boss comes through and says to the Irishman: "I'm sorry but on this occasion we've decided to hire the Norwegian"
The Irishman angered by this says "Surely, me being Irish would mean you would give the job to me instead of a foreigner". He went on a rant about looking after the locals etc.
When he was done the boss replied. He said:
"Well it's like this. We didnt make the decision based on how many answers you got right but more on the answers you got wrong"
So the Irishman still angry says, "but we both got one wrong answer"
Again the boss replies calmly saying, "it's not how many wrong answers you got but the answer you gave. On question 7 the Norwegian wrote 'I don't know' as his answer.
Your answer was 'Neither do I'".
Edit: poor spelling of Norwegian | 577,780 |
An American and a Russian were walking in the park one morning... ... when the American turns to the Russian and says, "Ah, spring in the air!"
The Russians replies, "Why should I?" | 577,781 |
I'm not sure where Heisenberg is... But I know he's not with Pauli. | 577,782 |
At which place do mostly all men and women have curly hair? Namibia... but i like the way you think ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) | 577,783 |
the most famous person in the history of the world The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business." | 577,784 |
Why Wasn't Hitler Allowed to Host Jeapoardy? He kept asking the contestants if their answers were their final solution. | 577,785 |
ɯǝlqoɹd lɐɔᴉuɥɔǝʇ llɐɯs ɐ ǝʌɐɥ I ˙ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ ɯoɹɟ ƆԀ ʍǝu ɐ pǝɹǝpɹo I Read it upside down | 577,786 |
What's the quickest way to turn a 10 into a 5? Ejaculate. | 577,787 |
The best thing about having a penis is .. Sharing it with people who don't have one :P | 577,788 |
Why are americans bad at DotA ? Because they cant defend their towers. | 577,789 |
We started a band... We're called the 999 mega bytes.
Haven't got a gig yet. | 577,790 |
How does a 5' 2" man go on a series of dates with models? This was actually the subject line of a spam email I received that sounded like the setup for a joke. The best punchlines are always in the Reddit comments anyway, so knock yourselves out! | 577,791 |
I punched Dwayne Johnson in the butt... I guess I hit rock bottom
**ba-dum-tss** | 577,792 |
Knock, Knock... Who’s there? The Gestapo. Gestapo who?
Ve ask ze questions, schwein. | 577,793 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles | 577,794 |
A cop just knocked on my door and said that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes... | 577,795 |
When is bingo harmless? When its B9! | 577,796 |
A software engineer goes shopping... A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
| 577,797 |
How do Jazz musicians drink their liquor? Straight, No Chaser. | 577,798 |
So a black guy walks out of a burning hospital He says to the medics "you thought that was fire, wait until you hear my mixtape" | 577,799 |
What did the Scandinavian say at his Grandmothers funeral? She was a Swede old lady but now shes Finnish | 577,802 |
Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. | 577,803 |
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your cock up someone's ass. | 577,804 |
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house." | 577,805 |
So I checked out that buzzfeed article.. Turns out that I've already reddit. | 577,806 |
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain. | 577,807 |
Comeback to a teacher Teacher: Name all the prime ministers of India
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: When I was of your age I used to know everything.
Student: When you were young there were only one or two prime ministers. | 577,809 |
So, saw a couple of transgenders dressed up as super-heroes.. May be Ex-Men | 577,810 |
Why does the communist party hate planes? Because they're always Stalin | 577,811 |
A Rich Woman And Her Butler A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.
She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.
"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.
"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired." | 577,812 |
A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist are arguing about whether it's better to have a husband or a boyfriend.... The doctor says, "A husband is better for the kids and for your mental health. More stability." The lawyer says, "No, a boyfriend is better because a husband can leave and take half your stuff, plus alimony." Then the scientist perks up and says, "It's better to have both." The doctor and lawyer are surprised at their geeky friend and ask why. She pushes her glasses up off her nose and says, "Well, your husband thinks you're with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend thinks you're with your husband, and you can go to the lab." | 577,813 |
Hillary, why are your socks so saggy? I'm not wearing socks | 577,814 |
A funny thing happed at the cloning lab A blonde geneticist was working on human cloning in her lab and had created a cloning machine. Finally she was ready and decided that her first clone would be of herself.
She collected a sample of her DNA and made and exact clone. The clone was exact in every detail, except the hair color.
Somehow she had created a brunette clone, so she discarded it. After several more attempts, each with the same result, she was extremely dismayed. She sedated the clone and spent hours checking and rechecking her work.
While she was doing this, her latest clone became conscious and decided to discard the original. Grabbing a scalpel, the brunette clone attacked her creator with a scalpel and said, "I guess all that blonde hair dye did effect your brain because you were born brunette, just like me. | 577,815 |
A cowboy walks into a bar... A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though." | 577,816 |
I can't stop watching the Hunger Games movies... ...I have a heroine addiction. | 577,817 |
Getting into Heaven A young man stood before St. Peter who tells him "Son, to let you into Heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on Earth"
The guy thinks for a moment and replies "Well, I saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over, pushed him to the ground, and told him to leave the poor girl alone!"
St. Peter is quite impressed with this and says, "Well done my son, and when exactly did this happen?"
"About 5 minutes ago" | 577,818 |
"How far have you gone with a girl?" "I went to Canada with my mum once" | 577,819 |
I got charged for a satellite dish the other day... I was furious. He told me it'd be on the house. | 577,820 |
Germanwings 'Knock Knock' joke. *Knock Knock*
Who's there?
*A Germanwings pilot*
A Germanwings pilot who?
**LUBITZ, LET ME IN GODDAMNIT, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH THE PLANE!!**
| 577,821 |
Why do turds taper off at the end? So your asshole doesn't slam shut | 577,822 |
How do you know your wife is getting vat... ... you have to switch off the light during sex. Not because she's ugly but because the bulb burns your ass.
| 577,823 |
A Genie Lamp with a Twist A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp. Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
"I am an all and powerful genie. You get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double."
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish. "I want a beautiful mansion."
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish. "I want 100 millions dollars."
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants. Finally... he asks for his third wish.
"I want you to scare me half to death." | 577,824 |
How is American beer similar to having sex in a canoe? It's fucking close to water.
(A Canadian just told me this joke) | 577,825 |
Note down the number please. A person was riding on a horse,
He Jumped the red light, a cop whistles'
person lifts the tail of horse and says,
"Note down the number please." | 577,826 |
Do You Know With Whom Are You Talking A Trainee In An MNC Dialed The CEO By Mistake & Said:
Hey, Send A Coffee To Accounts Dept. Do It Fast..
CEO: Do U Know With Whom R U Talking???
Trainee: No!!!
CEO: I’m The CEO Of This Company…
Trainee: Do U Know With Whom R U Talking???
Confused CEO Answers Slowly: No…
Trainee: Thank God!!!
(Disconnected The Phone & Said: All Is Well.. All Is Well.. All Is Well.)
| 577,827 |
What do you call a lesbian with one leg shorter than the other? Gaylene! | 577,828 |
I'd tell you a joke about statistics But the punchline is probably outside your range. | 577,829 |
An 87 year old lady is pulled over for speeding. As he is waiting for her license to be ran, the cop asks if she has any weapons in the vehicle.
"Why yes sir!, I have a smith and wesson 45 in my purse, a magnum 357 in the glove box, and a 12 gauge shotgun under the seat."
Goodness lady!" exclaimed the officer, what are you afraid of?
Sh smiled, looked him in the eye and said "Not a goddamn thing." | 577,830 |
What is the world's most religious fish? The manta pray, at least until the morpray eel hears about this. | 577,831 |
Did you hear the one about the priest who wasn't liked by his congregation. One day he found that the microphone on the pulpit wasn't working.
So he said "There is a problem with this mic!"
The congregation replied in one voice
"and also with you!" | 577,832 |
Desi Videshi SMS and Jokes Find and Read funny, hilarious desi videshi SMS and jokes. Enjoy your time.
| 577,833 |
A Fire Started In A Chemical Plant One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene,
the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact."
The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze.
After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000,
and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on the truck."
| 577,834 |
A joke about a hangman's noose... You probably thought it's knot funny, but there's a twist at the end. | 577,835 |
Two chemists walk into a bar Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed. | 577,836 |
Whats the point in picking up a bag of pills... ...if you are just going to drop them? | 577,837 |
Why was the 6 month old African baby crying? (x-post from ImGoingToHellForThis) It was having a mid-life crisis.
| 577,838 |
Turns out that German pilot was heavily depressed... He brought the whole plane down. | 577,839 |
My gay friend told me his old boyfriend never played with his balls, but his new one just can't stop playing with them I told him "I suppose one man's junk is another mans treasure" | 577,840 |
Knock Knock Who's there?
The Pilot. Let me in. | 577,841 |
Knock knock. *Knock knock!*
*Who's there?*
*The pilot, let me in!* | 577,842 |
Why did a black bear fuck a white boy to death? The casting agent took the porn's title literally. | 577,843 |
Pregnant Removed | 577,844 |
Babies on an airplane... People always tell me that having babies on an airplane is the worst thing in the world. - But I am quick to tell them, "Now that is just not true. I can think of four instances, right off the top of my head, in which having a baby on an airplane was awesome." - Incidentally, all of those occurences were on 9/11. | 577,845 |
What was Hiroshima's code name in World War 2? Target Practice. | 577,846 |
Newton, Galileo and Pascal were playing hide and seek... ...Pascal taps Galileo and decides he is seeking before running to hide. Galileo begins to count. Newton grabs a piece of chalk from his pocket because all scientists have pieces of chalk in their pocket and proceeds to draw a square with 1m dimensions around him. By the time he is done Galileo turns and says I've found you Newton. Newton replies with "no, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal". | 577,847 |
Why does the man have a white cap? Because he's a fun guy! | 577,848 |
What do you call guacamole that won't talk to you? Incommunicado | 577,849 |
Two Peanuts Were Walking Down The Street... one of them was a salted. | 577,850 |
A Man Buys Everyone In The Bar A Drink, Except For Him A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees a black man sat in a corner.
The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces,
"I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!"
Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the black man turns around,
puts his thumb up and says,
"Thanks mate!" The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesn't pay too much attention to it.
The next night, the racist goes into the same bar and again, there is a black guy sat in the corner, so the man, again, goes to the bar,
turns around and says, "I'm going to buy everyone here a free drink, except for that black guy over there!"
The crowd are all ecstatic and are hugging and cheering the racist for his generosity. When he buys the last pint, the black guy turns around,
puts his thumb up and says, "Thanks mate!"
The racist scratches his head and asks the barman, "Why is that black guy thanking me when he's the only person I'm not buying drinks for?"
"Well" the barman responds, "he owns this place." | 577,851 |
" I am not Acting" Me: (talking random shit to my friend)
Friend: "Stop acting stupid"
Me: " I am not Acting" | 577,852 |
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." | 577,853 |
What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message. | 577,854 |
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