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it’s one of those moments, i don’t even know if i feel sad. i just feel empty. day after day i go through the same thing over and over again. i cant do it anymore. i get some relief, i get some clarity, i think i’m ok. and then i get punched by dread again. i feel like i’m falling down a hole that has no bottom. when does it end? how can i feel like i’ve finally figured out and overcome an obsession, only to be completely entangled in it again 5 seconds later?? i can’t tell if this is all real or a delusion i’ve created. when will my misery end
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OCD
|
So lately I've been thinking about suicide and giving up for than usual and I really feel like doing it, but then comes my family and friends like I know that if I die then it will hurt people bad, but I also just want it done with. What do I do?
|
depression
|
I was playing a game and something really good happened, and I got really excited. I started to stim (shaking my fists side to side near my face). I was aware that it was stimming, and I’m not sure if it was involuntary or voluntary. (I just remember feeling really happy).
I don’t know if I naturally stim. I’m pretty sure I stimmed that day after seeing videos about stimming, and I’m very ashamed because now I feel like I was just trying to be “quirky” or something. I’m pretty sure I did it more than once, and I don’t know if I still do it.
Has anyone else consciously/unconsciously stimmed here?
|
OCD
|
I got to college and am majoring in my passion however that doesn't stop me from getting distracted and fumbling a strong opening semester.
Especially in my sciences courses (A&P 1+2, biology 1+2, Chem 1+2, physics 1+2) I have retake most of them due to getting mostly Cs and some Bs in them but I just can't seem to concentrate or memorize/ learn.
|
ADHD
|
I'm guessing it's not just me but do y'all ever worry what you post on hear will come back to bite you?
For instance like a friend or your T will find out it's you and reads your posts and know about you....or that this is all getting stored in a database for building a profile on you....or just that what you post today could in one way or another be used against you at a later date?
Sure I don't use to personal of info and leave it pretty vague but still don't trust how safe this is in today's world.
Some people will post there real life story online with pictures and crap. To me I'm shocked people trust Facebook or Reddit with such details. Like everything online is there no matter if you delete it or not. If someone has the access and the smarts they can dig it up.
Is this just me or are you careful what you comment on or what past events you talk about?
|
ptsd
|
For background, I'm currently attending my 3rd semester of college. I've been able to earn a 4.0 GPA for the past two semesters, but I am now failing 3 out of my 5 classes with less than a month left before the end of this semester. My falling behind was due to me being on a different ADHD medication for the first month of school which gave me terrible side effects, thus creating a snowball effect of late assignments which I am still trying to recover from, but it feels impossible.
My issue is that I feel paralyzed. I know deep down I have the capability to recover from this, but I don't understand why I just can't act on it. I'm constantly internally screaming at myself to just do one assignment, take one step forward, and get some momentum, but for some reason, I just can't. It's very frustrating. When I ask my friends who don't have ADHD for advice on this issue, they say something along the lines of "you have to just get it done, its that easy". But it's not that easy. What's even more frustrating is that all these assignments I have not hard at all. Finding the will and right mindset to exit this paralysis is what's difficult.
Has anyone struggled with this sense of paralysis? I would love to hear any tips or stories regarding getting out of this stagnant mindset and catching up on a lot of missing assignments.
TLDR: I've fallen behind in school and now feel paralyzed in catching up
edit: grammar and tldr
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ADHD
|
I never saw him again. He moved in with his girlfriend the night he left, they are raising her 2 children.
I attempted contact for a few months. I served him divorce papers. I spent 30 days in jail fighting stalking charges for attempting to reach contact.
Will it ever stop hurting?
Will I always live in a constant cycle of confusion, frustration and fear?
|
ptsd
|
Like extra exam time or just being able to get extension without having to provide a good reason always makes me feel like I’m cheating and I *should* be able to do things in the same time as everyone else.
I know it’s irrational. I know that I’m worse off in terms of working memory and time management than neurotypical students. But there’s still this nagging voice in my head telling me that I have an unfair advantage.
I suppose that’s internalised ableism. Can anyone relate? Or have any tips how to get over it and be kinder to oneself?
|
ADHD
|
I’m (20m) a biology majoring college student. You’d think I’d be out partying all the time and getting girls left and right. The truth is, I’m not. In fact, I’ve never had a girlfriend. I don’t have any friends in general. I’ve tried getting friends and a girlfriend, all comes in rejection because people think I’m weird and awkward. You’d also think that sense I have Aspergers and am a biology major I must be smart. Also wrong, I’m one of the worst students out of my peers. My gpa is a 2.8 and I won’t be able to compete for jobs with a low gpa like that. I honestly spend most nights sleepless and crying because of how my life is right now. I also have an energy drink addiction, which could factor in the lack of sleep. I honestly have moments where I just want to quit and join the military or something. I don’t know what to do anymore. No one wants to be my friend, I can’t even keep my grades up, and I’m just constantly burned out
|
aspergers
|
I was recently diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist. I’ve been taking CBD oil for a while now, which helps sometimes. But I’m thinking I may need something stronger. What do you take?
Side note: Today is especially hard for some reason. I’m at work and I’m not anxious but dissociating and I don’t know why. No one understands and it’s frustrating 😞
|
ptsd
|
So, my mrs and myself have stumbled onto the fact that I might have ADHD? I would say it as a joke about myself because i thought i just had some “tendencies” of someone who has ADHD. So further research shows i may?
Im 23 now but back when i was a little pup i was doing pretty well in school then hit a wall. I would sit in class and listen but not listen, as if nothing that was said went through. Intrusive thoughts for days! And get stuck in these endless thought loops that just spiral out of control. When i felt like i was good at something i would go full speed into it then just come to a grinding halt. I really notice when i speak i just dont stop and it goes on and on and on, then i notice the other person pulling away, all that jazz.
I never thought it could be ADHD because i didnt even really know what ADHD was, i thought this was the way of thinking and speaking in just everyones day to day; cut to 2 weeks ago…
So got a job in a manufacturing place and i would get real bored or energetic. I would entertain myself and whoever was around by just saying whatever thought came to mind, or just rambling on about random things. This one time i sat on a desk chair and rolled around acting like Stephen Hawking got told off for some reason… but nothing came of it.
Then the dumbest move on my behalf, i was working with a bit older guy, he knew how to have a laugh and we had to put “flags” on the pallets (tells the forklift drivers where to place the pallets in the factory) the FLAGS GET THROWN INTO THE BIN. I said jokingly “how funny would it be to draw a d*ck on the flags?” The guy laughed and sketched one or two out and i had a turn he had a laugh and a couple other people found it funny, so i took it as an invitiation to draw a few more and i just became D*ckasso. I drew 6 d*cks -.- as soon as i got that validation it was on.
Cut to today I am back on the job hunt because i couldnt just help myself.
I get lost in these fantasy thoughts that just trail on and on, i can never sit down and read a book without being confused on what i just read, like all of it!
It feels good that I might have an answer to the chaos? I dont know but i’ll book an appointment whenever i get a chance to, its a comforting and an uncomfortable feeling. Also, that story is just a funny one, maybe just me being an idiot but i thought ya’ll might enjoy it!
TLDR: Lost job due to drawing penises on paper that goes in bin,
Strong intrusive thoughts, loss of attention through schooling and now, being a “character” and being uncomfortable and excited to get a diagnosis
|
ADHD
|
It's been a long time coming, but after 6.5 years of struggling I've finally graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering. I thought I'd feel very satisfied, but right now I just feel drained and infuriated about my experience. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 4th year of Uni, by that point I failed 9 classes. I can't help but think maybe things would have turned out differently If I knew earlier, maybe my final GPA would be higher then a 2.5, I wouldn't have been too overwhelmed to join more extra-curriculars. If I learnt to handle my RSD earlier I could have got an internship, or connected more with my professors.
Right now I'm full of regret, I'm proud that I made it this far but I still feel so conflicted. I'm scared of how my future is going to play out.
|
ADHD
|
So I am feeling really bad at the moment. The cause of this is my general mental state, intensified by haven my heart broken and being left alone by someone I really thought was good for me. It hurts a lot.
I know that those are pains that will vanish with time and I try to think of it like that but right now, I just don't know what to do.
Watching movies or shows doesn't distract me. Gaming doesn't distract me. I can't focus enough on reading. And worst of all; I got no one to talk to.
Only work does distract me lately but I have no work days this weekend.
I am scared of how bad the next two days will be. I really need something that can give me some relief from this pain.
Any ideas?
|
depression
|
I'm 17F, not yet oficially diagnosed (will hopefully be in 3 weeks yay) and I desperately need your help :)
Ever since I was little, I was a "crybaby" - to the point I got bullied for it in elementary school. I hoped it would get better growing up, but here I am, no different than 10 years ago.
I don't think of myself as spoiled - but boy do I feel like a 5yo some days when I send myself into hysterics over stuff like failing internet connection (like today, it's 11AM and I did this 3 times already as we have online school rn). I'm not doing it intentionally. Rationally, I know it's no big deal, "first world problem" - so why would I voluntarily get so panicked and cry till I feel like I'll throw up?
The way I see it, I automatically perceive everything as larger than it is, making mountains out of molehills and every frustration can result in this (however the threshold is fluctuating).
Anyone else here experiencing this or is it just me?
|
ADHD
|
I’m tired of this shit I’m done and tired of this ocd if fucking up my life, I’m honestly ready to end it, I’m tired of being convinced everyday that someone has died and that it’s my fault and I’m tired of the urges I’m sick almost everyday feeling like I’m going to throw up doing my urges every 2 minutes from sunrise to sundown, I just can’t take this anymore
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OCD
|
I need for someone to read and reply, please. I feel entirely alone with this. My abusers cut me off entirely from my support network. I'm struggling with nonstop suicidal ideation. (No, I'm not suicidal right now, and I'm not going to harm myself.)
I'm scared.
I'm a survivor of psychological torture.
I was bullied hard throughout all of my school years. I was abused by both of my parents. Then, in my 20s and now as an adult in my early 30s, I've been hacked again and again. The hacking of my Gmail account and then my computer led to a massive online targeted harassment campaign like GamerGate. It's a never-ending torrent of verbal and psychological abuse and sexual harassment (including revenge porn) on the dark web and on all social media platforms. Harassment in the offline world was soon to follow, including physical stalking, more sexual harassment, a home break-in (I was renting), and hate graffiti in big letters all over the city.
Two winters ago, I was staying in a domestic violence shelter for Christmas. They leaked my location online and called me a dog. Someone spray painted "Owner" outside the shelter.
I have to wonder whether this daily terror I live in can be effectively treated by any mode of therapy or medication. My privacy and my boundaries were violated enormously and publicly. I receive hate from random strangers no matter where I move. (Needless to say, they doxxed me ages ago. They keep updating their file on me. I've been hacked several times. I've had a slew of very sensitive emails leaked.)
Please don't suggest the police. They tell me to change my password. That's all they can contribute. Take screenshots? Yeah, I've been doing that.
I use pseudonyms online. I was advised to legally change my real name. I don't see how it would help. They'll find my new name and share it with the army of trolls. I'm trans. They'll just deadname me again. No privacy for me, ever.
Victim blaming: shame is their most potent weapon. I'm their punching bag and their laughingstock. They create derogatory memes about me. They claim that I brought all of this on myself, that I *made* them do it. They've shamed me for my emails, for the nudes, for my weight and appearance, for the fact that I'm autistic... anything is fair game for them. Any perceived vulnerability.
They tell me what my motives are. They tell me who I am. They, and only them, are allowed to speak for me and to define me.
They went after all of my social media accounts, silencing me and cutting me off from those support networks.
They've spread vicious rumours and lies to draw more participants into their hate campaign. I was stunned when someone accused me of being a pedophile. (I'm happily childfree! I don't even like kids!) I cannot believe their nerve.
The only therapist I could find who knows anything about internet-based harassment is in NYC. I currently live in rural Ontario on a tiny disability pension.
With the right supports in place, will life ever be worth living again? Seriously. My baseline daily level of anxiety is off the charts. I can barely function, let alone do my schoolwork.
I want to know that the results of all this terror can one day be healed. I want to know that I'll be safe one day. I want to know that I'll have privacy again. But will the nightmare ever fade enough that on most days, I can just go about my day like a normal person without feeling panicked and frozen in place? I need this fear to end.
I have chronic pain as well. I hate the fear almost more than I hate the pain.
Thanks for reading.
|
ptsd
|
Everyday Im walking around feeling the floor, grabbing a ladder and pushing on the ceiling. I'm so worried about the floors caving in. Also, electrical fires. I check every outlet in the house when I return from work, when I wake up, and before going to sleep.
Does anyone else experience this?
|
OCD
|
Has anybody here had the experience of quitting antidepressant medication (SSRI) and experience relapse of the OCD symptoms? If yes, I would really love to hear how it went for you
​
Context: I have been on maximum dose of Zoloft for 5 years, and antipsychotics (Risperidone) for about one year before I decided that I had to stop (had several serious side effects, some affecting my liver, or so I thought). I was not able to get medical advice at the time and I stopped on my own (quite abruptly I should say). I had the serotonin syndrome, and was close to starvation at some point, but have succeeded pull through. Now, after about one year I have started to have some of the OCD symptoms coming back. They were quite mild after quitting Zoloft, but other bipolar and psychotic ones appeared
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OCD
|
I (32F) am pursuing diagnosis but the jury's still out (meaning I've put off making that first appointment with the doctor for several months). I've made my way through life with mild success, getting two degrees and have been working full time for some years now.
But the only reason I've made it this far is because I've consistently put in 2-300% of the expected hours,to make up for my seriously impressive procrastination.
In education settings, all-nighters have been my go-to coping strategy - the night before deadline combines the right amount of stress, anxiety and absence of other people being distracting.
Working full time, with people expecting you to show up every morning and all that, I've limited the all nighters but just done a lot of working late into the night to make up for all the time I spent trying to work but not working. At one point I had a job where ALL the work had to be done during office hours, and just three months of that landed me a diagnosis of moderate depression, so I quickly went back to more "flexible" stuff.
This way of living has allowed me to pull through with only mid-level self-hatred and I've even managed to maintain an assortment of half-neglected hobbies.
But then I had a kid. I'm now working a new job after being on maternity leave, and I'M RUNNING OUT OF HOURS IN THE DAY. I actually have to do my job in the amount of hours in my contract and I'm terrified, stressed out and performing well below average. I have a feeling other people must have gone through this before me - please, please, please share any kind of advice that worked for you.
tl;dr: i can't put in twice the amount of hours to do a normal job anymore because I have a kid. help
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ADHD
|
ive heard that some people with aspergers are smart. i feel like i have intrapersonal intelligence and that's about it. what about you?
|
aspergers
|
So I'm in the psych ward at the moment after a really tough week. I guess I have OCD, or at least that's the diagnosis. After years of resistance, I finally agreed to try some medication. I was given 50 mg of Luvox.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. How in the world do you deal with the massive drowsiness with this medicine? I'm under the impression that a lot of people take this for OCD, so how do you guys do it?
Thanks everyone.
|
OCD
|
I was playing around in my candle making workroom and came up with the idea of making a chocolate lover's candle.
[https://imgur.com/uZtOLhv](https://imgur.com/uZtOLhv)
The bottom consists of a S'mores that's topped with a brownie. There's a chocolate chip cookie on top of the brownie which in turn is topped with an Oreo. Surmounting all of these products is a chocolate cupcake with a chocolate butter cream frosting.
Here are a pair of closeups.
[https://imgur.com/fuzaqJR](https://imgur.com/fuzaqJR)
|
aspergers
|
It's not that I can't do the things we have to do in school, they're actually quite easy. But no one explains them to me properly, so I feel like I can't do that tasks the way I'm supposed to.
My psychologist said that I have a very high IQ, and that I'm very intelligent, however, when I'm in school, I feel like the most unintelligent, incompetent person in the classroom.
Every time my class gets a task, my brain completely shuts down, and I end up drawing on the work sheet.
This has caused my grades to drop significantly, and the only time I've really been able to talk in class, was about a novel we had read (because I'm a writer, so I had a lot to say about it).
It makes me so stressed that my grades aren't as high as I know they could be. If I didn't have Asperger's, I'd be able to get almost only straight A's, and I'd be able to show that the tasks we have to do are so easy.
Because of society, I apparently don't fit in, and I feel like people want to discard me. It's like I wasn't made for society, rather the society not being made for me..
The last few weeks, this has really beat me down, because my school is currently doing finals, and I'm to only one who is not.
I can't sit in the classroom, I can't join the school's meals without getting a panic attack, and I can't do my homework because it doesn't make sense on the paper.
Is this only me, or does anyone relate?
|
aspergers
|
Hi all. As the title says, I've just been diagnosed with ADHD and I'm 47.
TLDR; I've been through a 16-year journey of depression culminating in being hospitalised for 7 weeks. After a year of recovery, I've stumbled across a diagnosis for ADHD and am both excited to find a solution but also bewildered about ADHD. Below is a longer form story of my journey to diagnosis and my feelings since.
...
Until a couple of days ago, TBH I knew almost nothing about ADHD. I've been asked a couple of times by psychologists and GPs if I've ever been diagnosed after mentioning something about my obsessions and how I very quickly get disinterested in something and move onto something else.
I was diagnosed with depression about 16 years ago and started taking Lexapro (Escitalopram). I moved up to higher doses as I was still having problems in later years.
Fast forward to the end of 2019. I saw a GP about getting something else to help me. I was having the unusual problem of both feeling constantly tired and fatigued, but also unable to shut down my brain and sleep.He decided to focus on the sleep and prescribed me Valdoxan (Agomelatine). That was a complete disaster! It turns out I don't respond to it at all, which is also why melatonin never worked for me. As a sidenote, I was stupid because I'd previously had a pharmacogenomic test which showed I had a limited response, but I forgot to check it. Anyway, this resulted in me being essentially unmedicated for my depression. I didn't realise until I'd already been selected into a competitive entrepreneur accelerator program. I couldn't afford to go through another medication transition during this intense program, so I did my best to deal with it.This program was incredibly stressful as it was super competitive, intensely demanding and draining. All while COVID was starting to spread and my girlfriend of 20 years was stuck overseas. I pushed through it and ended up with a new business partner, won the investment and things just got faster and more demanding as we got shortlisted into Y-Combinator (the biggest startup accelerator in the world). I wasn't getting along with my co-founder, was barely coping with my mental state, and it was during a 4am Zoom call with the YC investors that I realised I was about to break.
I was on the verge of completely ending everything. My psychologist was concerned and told me I should check into a private mental hospital to recover and to get transitioned onto a medication that worked in a safe environment. Long story short, I signed over my shares in my new company and spent 7 weeks in a private mental hospital. They got me onto Pristiq (desvenlafaxine) and Seroquel (quetiapine). After hospital I switched Seroquel to Lyrica as I was concerned about my weight gain.
Anyway, I've been kind of OK - slowly building myself back up since hospital. I started another business with an old friend who I'd built an app with before and who is much less demanding.
As of now, I've been out of hospital and steadily recovering for just over 1 year.
However, a couple of months ago, still concerned with weight gain and having gained a lot of weight during COVID lockdown, I spoke to my GP who put me on Duromine (phentermine), which is an amphetamine stimulant used to suppress appetite (which is my primary problem, as confirmed by a genetic test I'd done previously).
This is where everything changed. Taking the stimulant increased my energy levels, it supercharged my motivation, I was knocking off little tasks that were haunting me, I was 10x more productive. I refinanced my home, reworked our superannuation investments, did tonnes of investment research, pulled more equity into shares and started building a new fintech app. I did all this while building a new major feature of the other business I'd launched with my friend.I was on an even higher dose of phentermine by this stage and everything was even better. So much so that I had a discussion about this with my GP. I was worried about the schedule of phentermine, which is maximum 3 months, then at least 1 month off it. I was concerned that we'd just stumbled across the answer to most of my problems, but it may be taken away if it wasn't effective with the weight loss, and I would also be suffering dips in the months off even if we continued.
She suggested I discuss it with my Psychiatrist to see if there was a stimulant I could take as part of my psychiatry medication, which I did this last Friday.She told me about the options, but that unless I had ADHD I'd have to go through a whole range of other depression meds before they could try the stimulants. I told her that although I knew nothing about ADHD, I'd been asked several times if I had been diagnosed (clearly my GP and psychologists have had some suspicions). I had never followed up on this before, because it kind of sounded a bit strange and didn't quite fit with my understanding of what ADHD was - I've never really been hyperactive for starters. My psych then told me that this is a common misunderstanding and that there's a type of ADHD that's more "in your head" or internalised.She gave me a couple of questionnaires to complete. The first one had a lot of things that described me very well, but also some other things more related to hyperactivity that didn't match up. Despite this I still rated in the lower range of ADHD in that one. The next one however was eye-opening. Almost everything in it was a strong "all the time", with one question in particular being almost exactly how I define myself.
So it turns out I have adult ADHD and I've now been on Vyvanse 30mg for 2 days. I haven't been working these past 2 days (weekend, with stuff to do), but I've noticed I'm maintaining most of the same benefits as the phentermine. However, I'm getting really tired in the afternoons. Maybe 6 hours or so after I've taken it. I've read about this and it might mean that I need to go onto a higher dose as it's wearing out too quickly. I'll give it a few more days to see what happens and then contact my Psychiatrist again.
Sorry. This has turned into a much longer post than I had intended. I guess I'm just starting to figure out what has just happened. I stumbled across a solution to my problems by pure accident. I've been undiagnosed for ADHD for all this time and the more I read about it, the more I realise that this is the core problem that has been plaguing me. I know I tie my own self-worth to achievement and I have a massive problem with negative self-talk, which gets worse if I'm not getting the things done that I need to. Getting my energy and motivation back has meant my self-worth is coming back up and my internal voice isn't constantly harassing me for being lazy. For years I've felt like I've been running on a treadmill and getting nowhere, exhausted. I could see nothing positive on the horizon because I was too exhausted to do what I needed to do to get back where I wanted to be. Now this has all changed. Everything suddenly feels easier again and I can see a future that I can enjoy.
Has anyone else had a journey like this? I feel both excited that I finally found a solution, and also sad about the years that I've lost and slightly unsettled by being diagnosed with something so late that is completely different to what I thought it was.
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ADHD
|
I don’t even know how to word this like I have so much stuff on my chest that I need to get off.
Depression is literally ruining my f*cking life. I fall asleep at like 7 and I wake up at 11 in the morning and it’s exhausting. Some days I can’t even get out of bed. Some days I go to bed hoping I don’t wake up in the morning and it is so f*cking exhausting. I can barely function as a human being, I haven’t showered for a week, I don’t have the energy to leave the house, I don’t have the energy to clean up after myself, I haven’t brushed my teeth in 2 months, it’s so exhausting. I don’t even have the energy to go to school. I’m gaining so much weight and I’m sleeping more than I should be, I get angry at the tiniest of things and sometimes for no f*cking reason. I just randomly snap at my family. I’m in therapy and it’s somewhat helpful but it’s family therapy and my dad won’t set me up with individual therapy so it’s not that helpful.
I just want to go to bed and not wake up in the morning I’m so tired of being alive.
|
depression
|
i spent so long distracting myself from what happened. i didn’t feel it for so long. i talked about it in therapy. feeling broken all over again. i hate living with this.
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ptsd
|
I rarely go out. like ever. all of my friends go out every weekend to bars, and i just stay behind. I cant bring myself to go because my energy levels are nonexistent and i’d rather be alone. I isolate myself from everyone to the point where I don’t even have many friends. I wish I could change but my mental health just doesn’t allow that.
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depression
|
I don’t talk to people about how I feel. That feels burdensome and overdramatic and people have enough on their plate without me piling onto it.
I always tell myself that I wanna talk about it, but I could never just randomly bring it up because that would seem needy, but if I ever had the chance where someone asked me directly about how I am or if something’s wrong, I’d take the opportunity to talk about it since it’d be someone else bringing it up.
Well tonight a group of friends finally asked me directly if something was wrong based on my behavior lately. And I just… lied, said nothing was wrong, that I was fine, etc. My opportunity came and passed and I just feel sad and ashamed and alone.
|
depression
|
I'm about half a mile from my house sitting in the middle of the road. I thought walking might help. But it didn't. So I decided to watch the lightning bugs but it's not helping. I'm just sitting here crying, wondering what's wrong with me. I'm so disgusting... I lied to my best friend. He's always, always supported me. I acted like I was fine all day and nearly passed out on a walk today. He always asks how I am so he can walk me through it if something is wrong but I told him I was fine. And... I think that hurt his feelings. Especially when he found out how bad off I was. He's with his friend right now and I just... I know he cares about me. He's not mad or anything. He might just be a bit hurt. I'm just so, so scared I'll lose someone else.
|
ptsd
|
Ive noticed that part of my symptoms often involve me asking and double checking with people or myself for things to make sure their okay and as they should be. So when I can’t get that certainty or reassurance, I panic and when people ask all I can explain is “I don’t know I just need the answer to my question to feel better”. It often affects my work and close relationships and I’m curious if it’s the same for others.
|
OCD
|
I've had just so many unfortunate things happen to me that were out of my control. I know I should focus on things I can control but I feel like it's biting my head off. My understimulation wants me to do something fun and exciting but it's literally 12 in the morning. Im so depressed and anxious and literally no way to destress. Help :(
|
ADHD
|
My assessment is soon and I find myself thinking that regardless of whether or not my psychiatrist thinks i have OCD, my symptoms and way of thinking will be the same. I want to learn more about how my mind works, but I also don’t want to pathologize myself in an unhealthy way.
Has an official diagnosis changed your outlook on OCD or helped you understand your experience better?
|
OCD
|
Hmmmm. Last night was rough for reasons I won't get into. Maybe I'm oversensitive. I don't trust myself to make rational or even adequate decisions pertaining to my life. I haven't screwed things up lately, but that's mostly because I avoid anything that could potentially make matters worse.
I don't know... Some people are just there. Sometimes I wish I was alone, that people would forget about me, then I wouldn't have to be at war with myself. Because decision making is hard when you're depressed. Friends can be like a drug too but, lately, I haven't really wanted any. Maybe I'm hanging out with the wrong people though? Maybe none of this is really good for me, but I feel locked in anyway; friendship and family is a trap to be honest.
It's a trap to care about people more than you care about yourself -- to prioritize them until you have nothing left to give. And then you realize that they never gave you anything besides maybe a few nights in their company. I think people give really shitty advice about mental illness -- too much honestly. It's exhausting to hear people who think they know what they're talking about tell me how to fight through my condition. I just want to tell everyone to fuck off, but I'm nonconfrontational and spineless in a way that most people probably are.
People try to tell themselves that they'd do something in a situation. They tell themselves that they'll make the right choice every single time. But they won't and they often don't. People don't do what's good for them. They do what makes them comfortable. And that's the agonizing part. I have to work to free myself from this illness, except I'll never actually be free, and I don't even have the energy to do that because it's been sapped away.
Sometimes I wish I could start over. A lot of people probably wish that to be honest. I used to write a lot, and it was interesting to see that the trajectory of my writing became increasingly grim-- if that's even the right word. And not really in an over-the-top or a fantastical sense. But it was human. I used to write fantasy, and then I sorta began to write about myself through characters that appealed to me because maybe they were me.
I don't know. I hope I can find peace soon, and I hope it even exists.
|
depression
|
So I have daily obsessions in my mind since 2015. My main obsession of the moment (ie being evil and deserving to die for being born a male) started in 2019 and I'm stuck with it everyday for two years. I had multiple other obsessions (from fear of being schizophrene or psychopathic to fears nothing was real to obsessions about sexuality, religion and more). And I just notice that I'm basically feeling terror at life all the time. It's like my obsessions are a transposition of that core fear into something "more understandable" and it's like I just HAVE TO feel bad and ruminate all the time.
What do you think? Any outside point of view would be welcome.
|
OCD
|
A friend of mine, called and asked if I wanted some stuff that my X still had up under the roof. And I spoke briefly with my X father in law, on speaker phone. My friend said "We will come by and drop your stuff off on sunday" and then asked if I gave a cup of coffee.
Sunday he came by, with his wife and not my X father in law..... Funny how we understand things differently. Of course he meant his wife, though I thought it was him and my X father in law, because they were on speaker phone together during the call.
:-D :-D :-D
|
aspergers
|
I sooo ready to give up, I just can’t take it anymore. Everyday i go to sleeping thinking that I just don’t want to wake up, but I’m too scared, then I cry myself to sleep hoping that maybe there’s going to be something better tomorrow.
|
depression
|
I feel like i'm expriencing stuff i shouldn't at mty age. Many people say i'm way more mature for my age. Thats usually a plus, untill you realise people get disgustee and unconftorable after hearing that someone at age of 13 is already in the "horny stage"
And it makes me feel bad, like my existance is wrong or something.
Can any of you relate?
|
aspergers
|
Hi, I just started Strattera yesterday. I’m not sure why they said it would take like four weeks to start working because I literally felt it within an hour of taking 18 mg. It helped so much yesterday (like so much) but I had poor sleep and I just woke up with a headache. Should I stop until the headache goes away?
|
ADHD
|
I'm just struggling so much. I'm sick and that sets off my OCD really really bad. I haven't been able to really eat for 3 days, I've been barely sleeping, and all I can do is call my mom because I don't want to be alone. Why is this so hard?
|
OCD
|
This ‘Depression’ group always says there are many people who are online but I doubt people see my post.
But it’s okay. I’m talking to myself here.
Our son’s death, terrible accidents, those accidents made my situation worse, people do not care about me.
So many things went wrong. All bad. Relationships with people are really bad but I hate those people so I don’t intend to fix it. It’s just so frustrating that I can’t part company with them.
I know I just need to survive. No purpose in life but you still need to keep going. It’s so hard tho. I try not to think about how people think of me but there are people who think I’m a terrible person and I feel uneasy, angry, frustrated and depressed.
I’m tired. Wish I could escape from everything. I hate everything. I hate when coworkers talk about their kids. I want to scream ‘HEY MY SON DIED. WISH I COULD TALK ABOUT MY H CHILD. WISH I COULD JOIN YOU. I DON’T HAVE ANYONE TO LOOK AFTER. CANT YOU GUYS GO SOMEWHERE ELSE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR KIDS’ I hate when I have to deal with those stupid people. I hate that they say everything was my fault and I’m such a bad person. I hate that people think I’ve already overcome the tragedy.
I can’t feel anything.
If you’re in a really bad situation, hey, I’m here. At least I can listen to you. I can’t see you in person but you might feel slightly better.
|
depression
|
Has anyone went from Vyvanse to Adderall xr what was your experience. I moved out of state and I'm making the switch for now at least until I get insurance. I took vyvanse 60 and 10 mg ir adderall 2x day now 30 mg Adderall xr then 10 mg ir 2x day. If anyone went from a similar regimen to this similar regimen please let me know how you felt so I can just get a little clarity
|
ADHD
|
(The above means instigate an authoritarian, militant mood in neurotypicals.)
​
So, neurotypicals are the master race and don't deserve it. Government is there for order, and politics doesn't benefit anyone, and for everyone other than the most successful of the favored group, it's to the detriment of all (e.g. in state Communism, everyone loses, and those with jobs the least). Should I use government, politics and python to make neurotypicals more easily or more pythonically simulated and controlled?
|
aspergers
|
When you start to realize (m31) all of your friends are dead or don't care enough to contact you...and even when you reach out to have some sort of positive social situation with them( hanging out or even just talking on the phone) they Bail/flake/ghost you. And you start to realize you really are alone.....the last big social situation apart from work was your ex, who you split up with because of her neglect and abusive tendencies. Only to be replaced a few days later.
And you start to realize this is what life really is....and good friends/relationships are hard to find...genuine people barley exsist and you really are alone.
|
depression
|
Hey guys,
so tomorrow i am going to work as a volunteer at an event at my uni. I told my mentor I would come cause I owe her so much, but to be honest i'm scared cause i'll have to be alone whole day there (without anyone i know or trust) and i have to go there and back by train (and i have fear of public transport). so i am not sure how to prepare except to have my medication and phone on me always. Any tips?
|
OCD
|
Anyone else have songs stuck in their head that's related to their current intrusive thoughts? It's like just when you think it can't get any worse, ocd decides to double down. Can't just have some random song on the radio stuck in your head, it has to be something you're already freaked the f\*ck out about.
|
OCD
|
I'm new to it and it's hard to explain but it seems to just make me... well... more willing to focus? It's also easier to talk to people. Usually the things I want to say float away as soon as I think of them but I can hold on to them longer. I feel more *grounded,* actually, but also more impulsive because I hold onto the weird shit I wanna do long enough to actually do it if that makes sense. I think it's also acting like a mood stabilizer for me.
So I'm just curious how this differs to a non-ADHD adderall experience. Do they feel stimulated, more like a coffee rush? I was really expecting more of a rush because people always talk about recreational usage and abuse. I can't imagine how this could be recreational, it just makes me feel normal but with a headache
|
ADHD
|
I tried to kill myself on Saturday and I feel really numb still.
|
depression
|
I mean your not sure but your like maybe I’m not a narcissistic, sociopathic, pedophile, demon of a human being 🤔… then ur just waiting to go back to stressing.
|
OCD
|
Even now I don’t think I would say I am depressed I am just good at suppressing all emotions but the more I learn about the signs the crazier it is. My screen time is nearly 16 hours, I didn’t leave my bed to eat and what I had was fruit snacks and tootsie rolls that I kept next to me. I have walked 200 steps today. I took about a 2 hour bath. My room is filthy and I have a basket of clean clothes I have redried 3 times to get the wrinkles out but haven’t hung them up each time. i haven’t actually showered in 3 days and haven’t brushed my teeth in two days. I have things I should be doing but have just been completely ignoring them and I every so often think about it and I feel sick with stress but after awhile I can forget about it again.
|
depression
|
Anyone have any experience taking Luvox for OCD? How was your experience been? I am a little hesitant because I am about to start my first SSRI
|
OCD
|
Someone told me today that the LED light in one of their gaming mice irritates them with the frequency it emits and I've never been more understood by a person in my whole life.
It's too easy to feel like you're all alone when you can't get anyone to understand. It was really nice to come across someone with whom for a few minutes I could have some common ground and not feel so weird and by myself.
|
ADHD
|
Looking for some advice or anecdotes from someone with adhd or has an adhd partner . Trying to find out if these sort of things are common place
Context below
Starting to feel ghosted by my ldr partner who has adhd, been together a year+
Always been there for her to support her, kept lowering my expectations of support and care giving to come from her the last couple months due to major life changes she was going through.
She felt bad she wasnt able to provide, since then it feels like shes shut down and distanced herself, yes shes busy and has adhd but weve always communicated.
Have gone from messaging each other every night and morning to her responding to me, gratitude etc to one way conversations, to single sentence statements of no acknowledgment of whats been said or asked. Then it was random one word responses focused on her now were not having had a message from her in 3 days. It hurts. I don't if its my fault and have messaged her too much, dont know if shes overwhelmed by something. Dont know if she's trying to end the relationship.
Dont know if my expectations are too high even though all i want at this point is a message to say good night or good morning, regardless of when its sent.
Want to speak to her about these things but dont want to upset her
Is it her adhd or just her. Red flags or signs of struggle
I just dont know
Update: turns out it wasnt adhd but a severe case of her preparing herself to dump me 🤡
|
ADHD
|
So I start my new job tmrw! (which was a struggle for months to push myself to even do it) (thanks, executive dysfunction!🙄). It’s a 5AM-1PM shift and I’m really worried that I’ll crash mid day, or just be so sleepy that it hinders my work performance. I’ve lost my previous 3 jobs to my executive dysfunction and I refuse to fck this one up!!
Any tips or advice to keep me up or keep me Energized thru the day?
Thanks sm in advance 🙏💜
*should be mentioned that caffeine doesn’t work on me. not a bit. not 4 monsters lol.
|
ADHD
|
Like whenever I'm stressed my legs feel week, and my head starts to ache, I somehow feel hot or cold at the same time and I just feel like I'm gonna throw up any second. Does anyone else with Asperger's feel like this or is it just me?
|
aspergers
|
first i am not diagnosed i have a strong felling that i am an aspie but the thing i wanted to hear is i get angry when people are stupid or dont try it isnt like you dont know how to do high level math it is when i have descriped something in great detail yet they dont understend and i get tottaly pissed at them
|
aspergers
|
I'm currently in therapy talking about my childhood and struggles I faced growing up including some emotional & physical abuse inflicted by my parents & I'd like some advice on how to get the most out of therapy & work through these things effectively as I usually find myself stumbling over my words & not knowing what to say & I leave the session feeling as if I haven't covered things properly & I don't want to waste anyone's time & my money...
Does anyone have an advice? or like a structure I could try & follow to help me stay on track & stay relevant ect..
|
ptsd
|
I started the process about a year ago and had to fill out some forms and stuff to get started. Then I just had to wait for a while until the psychiatrist could see me. Now that I’ve finally met her I get informed that we will only have that single interview and an IQ test (which was voluntary) and then I might be getting a diagnosis. This all feels very rushed to me, so I figure I would ask you guys what you think. Is this weird or am I overthinking things?
|
ADHD
|
So earlier, my only guy friend who knows about my depression sent me a cake because according to him "I hope eating a cake will make you smile". And he knows how I love eating cakes. Then, my drunk father recieved the cake and he found out that the cake was from a guy. So he spoke harsh words to me like "you're such a slut" and such. Ofcourse that hurts because eversince, he didn't even make time to ask me if im fine. Im so tired of being with him. Im so tired. So i explained that the cake was from my friend but he didnt even listen to what i was saying. Then he throw the cake and i didnt even saw it! And i asked why did he do that but he didnt bother to look at me. He's so pissed off at me and keep telling me things that im such a bitch. I'm tired. I'm so tired and the cake which supposedly help me lessen what im feeling was gone and im so angry. He doesnt have a reason on why did he do that. How I wish I can escape this hell place.
|
depression
|
the other day I texted a girl I have been crushing on since I met her in high school (fucking 2011 🤣💀), and she actually responded to my amazement. As pathetic as it is, even sending that text was a huge "victory."
But then after she replied I instantly regretted it because I realized just how far out of my depth I am. I don't know what the fuck to say, it feels like any direction I take the conversation is wrong and boring. So now it's over 24 hours since she replied and I don't know what the fuck to do.
I'm 27 and the walls are closing in so quickly. Actually, I'm starting to think they've already closed. I can't think of a worse torture than living with such intense feelings for someone but not being able to express it.
My life is over even though my heart keeps beating.
|
aspergers
|
I've always been a conflicted person but lately it's been unbearable. I feel like making something out of myself but then I don't because I fear failure and then I get upset at myself for not doing anything. I'm not okay with where I'm at but I'm always thinking ahead and torturing myself with the idea of failing. I get too scared to do anything but I still want a life for myself. Sorry for repeating myself. I did that on purpose because that's what it's like in my head everyday.
|
depression
|
Hi there!
I am in the process of being properly diagnosed so I can get support. As one of my last steps, my doctor asked for copies of elementary and high school report cards. Is this normal? Did others have this experience, too? I'm happy to share them it just felt strange!
I also was a mostly B student with some As and some Cs and wondering if that will affect my diagnosis? Will I have had to been failing in order to be diagnosed? TIA!
Edit: thank you all **so** much for sharing your experiences and ensuring me that this practice is pretty normal. I'm feeling a lot better! One step closer to the end of the diagnosis journey.
|
ADHD
|
For me personally it’s probably that a lot of them don’t use logic and or factual information when it comes to very important things like government or any social issues. I feel as if they base things more off there own feelings and selfish ambitions then they do logical or for other people. I for one base my ideas and opinions off of what I see as logically the smartest things to promote or pass as policy legislation, unlike what Neurotypicals have done recently which has lead to the climate crisis and it’s effects were feeling through the various Forrest fires, droughts, and heat pockets over areas where that naturally is not supposed to occur all because there selfish and care more about money then other humans.
There emotional thinking has also lead to the rise of conspiracy cults like QAnon and Trumpism to spread into various institutions and lead to lots of people not being critical thinkers and making any smart logical decisions, but rather base it on there emotions and other silly reasons which I find ridiculous to believe is even possible. All and all it’s just really stressful for me to try to comprehend how they can possibly be like this in a time of crisis, and not bother thi thing about the consequences of there actions.
It makes me see them as emotionless and uncaring sociopath who are too egotistical and selfish to even care about others. And for me is Hypocritical as they think we don’t see “grey area” yet they are exactly how they describe us. It’s nothing but mental projection on there part.
|
aspergers
|
Thanks Reddit for pushing to speak to my mom about my depression. I found out A LOT.
Apparently seasonal depression runs in the family, and I’m most likely suffering from it. My mom also told me that she has bad anxiety as well. And she told me that she would get me a therapist. I was so scared about speaking to my mom about my mental health because I thought she would shrug it off but she really understood. I’m so happy I feel like I’m making small breakthrough!
P.S found out my dad has a Narcissistic personality from my mom as well which is shocking but I it. Love him though :).
I just wanted to share some small success. Thanks!
|
depression
|
Hi all,
I’m working on my victim impact statement for the sentencing of the man that caused my PTSD. Part of the outline suggests I describe the emotional effects/pain etc. I’m wondering how you all would describe what it’s like living with PTSD. I’m finding it hard to put into words the myriad of symptoms and how they all coalesce into one giant shit storm that makes life feel insurmountable (at times).
Curious to see how other people put words to living with PTSD.
Also want to note that I’m not necessarily asking for help, more just wondering how others experience and describe their reality with PTSD
|
ptsd
|
Did I do the right thing by asking for compensation when a heavy-smoking drunkard with no income who lived for free upstairs with a girlfriend, interrupted my sleep numerous times in order to ask me for a ride to Dillons?
I sleep in the day & work evenings. He'd ask for rides to Dillons (Kroger chain of supermarkets) when I still had hours of sleep left. I'd ask for compensation because I needed to sleep, but he'd have nothing to provide me right then. Yet he still insisted that I take him.
I refused to be anyone's free taxi service when I wasn't well-rested and alert, so I told him to only come back when I'm well-rested or when he'd figure out what compensation to give me.
I'd also ask the jobless man why couldn't he just walk to Dillons himself. (About 7 blocks east of our apartment complex) He said he had a bad knee from an old motorcycle accident back in the 80s. It hurt to this day, so without medical insurance for painkillers, he resorted to drinking heavy liquor (often vodka) to dull the pain. It's also why he'd ask for $5 frequently; the cheapest vodka would be had for $5.
I told him "As the US Marines say, '**Pain Is Weakness Leaving Your Body**.'" (Yes, that is an actual motivational quote perpetuated by the USMC.) So I insinuated he'd get stronger through the pain if he'd just tough it out and walk there anyway. He wouldn't buy that statement.
I also asked why he wouldn't make friends with other tenants in the complex who actually was alert in the daytime and he said he didn't like to associate with most people but very much wanted to be around me.
Later, he would compensate me sometimes with meals that he'd cook (to his credit, he cooked quality meals somehow) so after taste-testing them, I'd begrudgingly give him rides, although it wasn't as safe to give rides in my state of tiredness. After all, drowsy driving may be as dangerous as drunk driving. (Is it?)
Luckily, he and his girlfriend were eventually banned from the apartment complex because he wasn't authorized on the lease and she had cats that he gave him, but without the proper pet authorizations ($200 pet fee, vaccinations and miscellaneous documents.)
So did I do the right thing by asking for compensation upon being asked for a ride by a drunk neighbor, due to my needing to sleep in the daytime and work in the evenings? And for implying that his knee pain would make him stronger if he toughed through it by walking 7 blocks to Dillons instead?
|
aspergers
|
can you get ptsd from being yelled at all 16 years of living...?
so much yelling that you flinch if she raises her hand around you...?
so much yelling that you stutter for three days after having one of the worse panic attacks because she yelled so much...?
is that possible?
just wondering, for a friend of course..
|
ptsd
|
I’m generally an experiential learner in that I need to see or feel or experience a concept to really grasp it. And I also feel like I learn things “slower” than others, but when I finally understand it, its a very sudden moment where things finally “click” for me, and after that I’m sometimes even better than my peers at the task. I’m wondering if this is an experience that other ADHD people relate to, or if it’s just a part of my personality. Sometimes I think we have a tendency to overthink what is and isn’t an ADHD quality.
|
ADHD
|
Hello everyone I am 16 year old guy and i have had ocd for a long time.
I have pocd wich is destroying me totally and i really mean it life is not fun anymore. Pocd appeared when i was 13 but made a comeback 2019. I know how to deal with this but it just feels like i am swimming in circles and groinal responses is destroying me... I cant be with my littlebrother because i am just thinking about my groinal responses and its destroying me. I know i have to accept them but how? How do i treat pocd and groinal response i feel so much guilt and shame because of this... I want to live a happy life with a family and do my hobbies but this is totally tearing me apart slowly i need advice please help me how do i recover??
|
OCD
|
I was recently banned from a Discord server for the first time because someone said they were uncomfortable with something we were talking about, I asked what was it and why it was wrong, got completely ignore three times in a row. Naturally, I was annoyed. The whole thing quickly evolved from me wanting to know what was going to correct my behaviour and apologise to me wanting the moderation to apologise for ignoring me. Needless to say that didn't go well, for two days I was stressed about it.
Then I went to another server to try and chat, made a joke, apparently it was inappropriate, I was cursed and if they would've stoned me. I wasn't banned this time, but I apologised and left it because I was already fed up with drama.
These weren't the first occurrences of miscommunications, but they always end badly for me. I have no intention to be a cunt, but I can't improve if I'm not told why what I said is offensive or wrong, I have to JUST KNOW. Which I find absurd.
I'm really tired of this because I would like to chat and chill with other people, but now I'm afraid to open my mouth. It seems like I can't be myself either because I'll always run into this sort of thing.
|
aspergers
|
Okay so just a warning this may be super triggering and a little tmi. Also this isn't an attack on anyone who is gay or lesbian so on and so forth. I (M 23) need help and guidance about my ocd. Since about February I started having contamination ocd and I would use to wash and over wash a lot. But over time it changed to hocd, just an fyi I was diagnosed by a therapist so this is not speculation. So I basically struggle just to live tbh. When I shower sometimes when I clean my you know "areas" sometimes I think about penises or men but not on purpose like I try to force myself to think about women or my hobbies or something peaceful but it never really works. Sometimes it takes me almost an hour to shower where I used to shower in like 10 minutes last year and pretty much all my life.
Even when I used the bathroom I have intrusive thoughts where I'll be thinking about something normal nothing gay or anything but then hocd thoughts will occur. So not only that but I fear leaving the house now I am scared maybe someone will do something gay towards me or I will do something gay by accident or heck who knows maybe on purpose because of hocd. I am so fearful to go places by myself unless I'm with family or friends I just stay home. At first I was afraid of doing like oral stuff now I feel scared about like people doing stuff to my penis or butt which is very scary for me. I have heard about and somewhat tried exposure and response prevention but I just cant deal with the gay thoughts I have no energy and I feel tired constantly. I am not asking for reassurance I just want some advice on how to deal with this for my specific problem. Thank you guys and gals
|
OCD
|
I'm in Mexico right now and Ritalin is legal but Adderall is not.
Interestingly enough, they will sell me Ritalin, without a prescription, even though one is legally required.
They will ALSO sell me Adderall but it's 5x more than Ritalin and I highly suspect it's fentanyl.
I'm trying to switch to the Ritalin but apparently it's best to do it slowly as my brain just did NOT like the fast switch and I was a zombie for the day.
Should we make a page in the wiki for this? I couldn't find a page anywhere and Wikipedia has *some* information but it's not very up to date.
|
ADHD
|
Screw this, I can´t believe I´ve been suffering for full 4 years. I went to therapy once and sadly that therapist wasn´t for me, so I had a wrong point of view about mental workers.
I am so tired of this guilt and shame, of making myself so miserable, while being able to know how stupid that is, and being uncapable to do someting about it.
My mind isa dissaster and there is no way I can help myself out this time, I just can´t. I´m tired, this is it.
Even with guilt, knowing I have to ask my parents for money to afford it, screw it.
I am not willing to be like this, like ever anymore.
I´m tired of being so fucking dumb
|
OCD
|
Few days ago my girlfriend saw a big board falling on her little nephew. She was responsible for him at the time, but it took a fraction of a second. The board was badly mounted to the wall by nephew's parents. So, she started to have flashbacks yesterdays. Had problems falling asleep today and slept around 3 hours.
How can I convince her to take few days off? She will have to work 3 days straight 13 hours each. She's a pharmacist and she says it's hard for her to find a replacement. But I'm afraid of the toll it might take on her. She had panics attacks and obsessive thoughts before. What else can I do to help her?
|
ptsd
|
A few weeks ago I was pretty sick and bed bound for multiple days which meant my sleep cycle went out of wack and I cancelled all my plans.
Even though I have physically recovered my mind has not and my ADHD is really bad. I struggle to hold on to one thought for more than a few minutes. Even if I am focusing on it, it will just fade right in front of me.
I feel like the main issue is the lack of structure as this happens to me somewhat reguarly. Something makes me lose structure and then my ADHD has a field day ruining my life which then makes it impossible to put structure back in to my life because I can't hold any thoughts long enough to follow through and my brain rejects any attempts at making future commitments ( even casual things like hang out with friends)
So how do I break the cycle of losing structure and get back on the wagon?
|
ADHD
|
When it comes to contamination OCD, I can literally see my imagination, my worst nightmares materializing into my reality. For example, I could be sitting next to a “contaminated” object, and of course, being in such close proximity to the object considerably spikes my anxiety. All of the subsequent intrusive thoughts then begin to flood my brain, thoughts like, “You could touch it right now”, “I bet you already touched it and you’re just repressing that you did”, “What if you licked it/put it in your mouth?”, “You’re going to be impulsive and put it in your mouth just to hurt yourself”, “You’re not trustworthy”, etc.
With all of these thoughts overwhelming me, I start to feel slightly dissociated from reality- reality begins to feel less absolute, more fluid, more malleable. And so I believe it is in this space, in this frame of mind that my thoughts begin to bleed into reality, blending and blurring and mixing the two irreversibly, distorting what is real and marring it entirely. So even though I’m fairly certain I didn’t touch the contaminated object, I have such a vivid imagination whereby I *did* envision what it would be like to feel the object in my hands, how it would taste in my mouth, etc. that I begin to doubt what is a manifestation of my emotional state versus what is objectively real. After all, when I can imagine these sensory details so keenly, it starts to feel like it must be true, that it must’ve actually happened.
I then start to doubt my memory, wondering if I experienced a momentary lapse in my memory that is preventing me from discerning the truth about that which transpired. It is so easy to doubt too when your most feared object is only mere inches or feet away from you. Who is to say that I couldn’t have briefly touched it when it only lay inches away from my hand? Who is to say that I couldn’t have licked it when I was face to face with it just mere moments ago? It wouldn’t require much energy or effort at all to interact with the object in ways my brain fears most, so with all of that in mind who is to say that it might not have actually happened?
And so this is where I find myself- tortured and exhausted. A “situation” with a feared object happened a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been ruminating on it ever since. I feel so trapped right now. I can’t seem to let the thoughts go because the stakes are too high, according to my anxiety and its catastrophizing tendencies. I feel like I am stuck with this horrible, terrifying unsolvable problem. The OCD is trying to coerce me into coming to a certain conclusion, but I resist and thus continue to feel paralyzed with fear with each passing day.
I need help.
|
OCD
|
I’m still in school and I have a doctors appointment tomorrow where I plan on asking about possibly having ADHD. I’m pretty sure I have ADHD with friends and others thinking I do too. I just want to know what are my options for treatment and what are their pros and cons? And will it help balance my life out and steady my grades in school?
|
ADHD
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Hi guys,I have a irrational fear of bats. I must’ve been bitten by bats 15 times (never really tho). But last night as I was getting out my car I felt a scratch on my elbow. Like right when I took off my seatbelt and went to open door. I can’t remember 100% if I opened the door or not but I think I did. My mind is racing saying a bat scratched my elbow. When I came inside the area was a little red but now theres just a tiny mark (could be from something else too cuz its a blueish vein looking thing. Prolly a small vein) . Could I have scratched myself somewhere on the car? Like seatbelt or something? I’m so scared rn. My parents are laughing at me
Update week later: I woke up and my elbow feels like it’s somewhat burning. I’m like 99% sure it wasn’t even a fucking bat. I’m tired of this shit. Any advice . I’m worried shitless of rabies
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OCD
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If you're oversensitive to sound, do you have any tips and tricks for surviving public transport? Especially loud people and people listening to music. Noise cancelling headphones don't always appear to filter out the right frequencies and sometimes even make it worse.
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aspergers
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I've been dealing with memory hoarding for a long while now. I haven't been able to treat it very well. It's been tough. It really slows down my mental processes and makes it hard to remember anything on the fly.
I tend to document a lot of things because I have a fear of losing that thought. Generally I forget the thoughts I had, sometimes even a few minutes after. Like for instance. If I did some exercise and I'm like, "okay I need to write down that I did this." Right in the middle of putting my equipment away, I'll forget it by the time I'm done. It's frequency is high, that is why it's not just the occasional, "oops I totally spaced it" type of thing. I usually go to bed that night and whilst laying I suddenly start remembering everything that I forgot.
I've also known for a long while my working memory has been pretty poor. But once that information is encoded in my memory bank it's there for a long time. It's either the process of encoding it or the amount of time I can hold onto pieces of information. Either way, my OCD latches onto memories because I know they will be lost if I'm not obsessive about them. That's why the hoarding of EVERYTHING happens. It's a fear of forgetting. I'm compelled to try to remember however I can, in whatever form.
It's exhausting.
I just wanna know of there is anyone else who can relate ig or just answer the title question.
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OCD
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Dungeons and Dragons is something that "in theory" should be one of my favorite past times. I love high fantasy and the concept of creating my own Avatar and going on a massive adventure with friends is something that appeals to me greatly. I want to go off on an epic adventure. Starting with fighting Goblins and ending fighting evil gods. I want to be part of an expanding homebrew world where it's shaped by our actions. All the while our characters develop to their fullest. THAT'S the Dungeons and Dragons experience I so badly want. I know I shouldn't expect my Dungeons and Dragons experience to be the same as say Critical Role...but I'm not asking for something exactly like Critical Role I just want the DND experience.
But I'm having a really shitty time getting there.
My first attempt was around 2015 and it...didn't go well. I just jumped into a random campaign on roll20 that was accepting members. It started off fine at first and there are some moments I still remember fondly but as a whole, the adventure just..really didn't work for me. I made some really dumb choices when making my guy that I never would make today and two things really damaged my rep in the party.
One of the other player characters died. I didn't take it well. I really had my heart set on having a set group of adventures that grow and bond together and one guy dying ruined it for me. I had a massive meltdown and it made me a real pariah in the group. After a while, it became pretty clear that everybody else wanted to just discard and draw characters whenever one died and that's not the experience I wanted.
And then there was another thing that wrecked things for me. The DM introduced a comic relief sidekick. A female childish gnome we basically had to babysit. I HATED them. I hate blissful ignorant characters who are childish and happy when we SHOULD be enjoying a serious story. They were a fucking annoying distraction and every time the DM played them I felt my teeth grind. And I was the ONLY one who wasn't on board with them. The only one who hated the character and wanted them gone. Did no one else realize the problem here?! It made me feel ostracized from the group. The character was so annoying it ruined Gnomes in DND for me(It's not uncommon for me to make a character who hates Gnomes as a reference to this).
In hindsight, I think the DM was planning a reveal that showed this character was a god in human form or royalty or something but by that time I had left.(Basically, I got unofficially kicked out when it was clear I wasn't interested in playing anymore. The campaign at that point had hit a massive slog anyway)
And of course, there was the fact I have a really short attention span so as time went on it was harder and harder to pay attention.
The next time was in 2018 and this time. It SHOULD have worked. This SHOULD have been the ideal campaign...but I fucked it up. it's my fault. There's no one to blame but me...
The DM was a close personal friend of mine and I was playing with a bunch of his other friends. I had a character I really liked and a good story...but my attention span took a massive nosedive in this campaign and it only got worse because around this time. Spider-Man PS4 came out and it was the only thing I could think of. (I remember specifically asking to skip a session so I could play the game)
In the end, I chose to leave because I wasn't having fun anymore. And I fucked up the send-off of my character. I did a really bad job communicating what I wanted to the DM but by that point, I just didn't care.
2 years later Covid hits and I'm left jobless with nothing to do so I ask the DM who I stayed close friends with if I could rejoin because I was older, wiser, and ready to give it another shot. I was under the impression we parted on amicable terms and I was free to come back if I wanted.
He told me no and that everyone else really didn't like playing with me. Apparently, I was the buzzkill of the group...
Learning that hurt...a lot...
It's 2021 now. I'm older and wiser. I REALLY want another chance but....I'm having a shit time!
I'm on LFG at the moment pretty much every day looking for a group to join and it's REALLY demoralizing when I submit an application and most of the people I apply to NEVER get back to me. I thought at least one of them would! Is there something wrong with me!?
I'm just so frustrated! Am I asking too much!? I just want a DND game with an experienced DM and a well-thought-out Homebrew world but I'm having a shit time getting in!
I technically am a part of two campaigns but neither of them is really optimum. That DM friend I had offered to run a smaller game with some friends and that's going alright. The problem is just ITS SMALL. It's mostly slice of life sandbox with 3 members including me and it's mostly there for just shits and giggles. Don't get me wrong. I'm having fun with it. Some of my favorite DND moments have happened in this group. But I want an EPIC adventure. With like 6 players and such. 3 just feels so..small and unbalanced...
And the other campaign is an "Out of the Abyss" campaign that was the ONLY offer I got when searching. I'm gonna be honest. I'm not interested. Nothing against modules but...it's not what I want. And I just have an uncomfortable feeling about the whole thing. I only signed up for it because it was the only direct offer I got.
I keep saying "No Hard feelings" to the few people who do get back to me but if I'm being honest? It really does hurt me I keep getting passed over. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just not interesting enough!? Is it because I prefer combat and exploration over roleplaying!? Well, I'm sorry. I'm just...a guy. A fun guy but there's nothing special about me. This is my chance to BE special and I keep getting passed over!!!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
Sorry... I had to get all that off my chest...
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aspergers
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Hi everyone, I am trying to build a YouTube playlist for myself of hilarious clips of standup/sketches from comedians on the spectrum. I'd be grateful if you'd post your favorites 😍
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aspergers
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Does anyone else experience thoughts of harming themselves? I have them A TON and I don’t know if I’m suicidal or if it’s my ocd. Occasionally I know I am being suicidal, but other times I feel like these thoughts come from out of nowhere.
If you do experience these things, what helps you feel better and what helps get rid of them?
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OCD
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So there's a weird thing I've done in the past and I never could quite explain it, it could be influenced by autism but I think it'd also make sense for my possible OCD.
Up until fairly recently, whenever a loved one told me their trauma, like if they were seriously abused or suffered extreme grief, I obsessed over it. I could speak to them about anything but I would always wonder in the back of my head about their mental security. This usually happened when they were very open about their trauma but it's happened with people who have only mentioned their trauma once or twice, even when they're otherwise pretty cheery people. There's at least one instance where I broke down in tears to my mother because my online friend had talked about their experience being raped and I couldn't stop thinking about them and their pain. Another friend wrote fic based off their abuse and I couldn't read it because it put disturbing images of *their* abuse in my head (I can read accounts of abuse without any issue if it's not connected to a real person I know). I think this might be connected to my autism to some extent, cuz I'm interested in psychology and it sometimes helps me contextualize people's behavior in a more clinical way by thinking about the impact of their past experiences.
But there's another factor that feels connected to my OCD. In at least three instances, I learned about their trauma and became convinced that I was going to hurt them just like their past abusers. There's a lot of abuse I haven't experienced that my then-friends have, so I was paranoid about saying the wrong thing even when they trusted me not to. I was afraid to even disagree with things like fandom opinions because they'd been through so much in their life, it felt inappropriate to disagree with them. I think this may be due to my experience on Tumblr which was full of guilt-tripping and unhealthy mental health advice, which contributed a lot to my moral scrupulosity.
This led to me self-sabotaging two relationships because I became manipulative, and would passive-aggressively beg for reassurance, convinced that I wasn't good enough a friend because I would never understand their trauma. I remember thinking, "What makes me so special that I think I won't hurt them?" I was really selfish and it hurt them in the end, but it stemmed from fear that they'd get mad at me if I couldn't help them with everything.
I caught myself obsessing similarly over a new online acquaintance recently, and I had to stop talking to them, because one disagreement with them (which wasn't even really aggressive) made me panic that I would mess up and offend/trigger them and make them hate me. I don't get close to most people online nowadays cuz if I worry that if I learn too much about them, I might spiral into obsession again. This doesn't happen as much IRL because I don't have many IRL friends who talk about their trauma to me in depth.
**TL;DR:** Learning anything about my friends' trauma makes me obsess over their mental health, leading to self-sabotage because I refuse to believe that I won't hurt them the same way.
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OCD
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Explanation: I literally crave and feel calmer once I am able to hug my mom or brother. It really helps when I'm understimulated and my body feels horrible. On the other hand, I can't stand if they touch me during the hug just like I despise when they touch me in any other situations.
Probably selfish... or maybe not. They are used to it.
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aspergers
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Hello. Note that I will not reply to people most likely, I am not a fan of people. I am saying this prior so you don’t have to waste your time reading this or replying.
I'm really shy and awkward, I can't pick up social cues, and never message people first so that they have the option not to talk to me, rather than me forcing them to converse with me. Conversations make me uncomfortable, and I am starting to think I might have a mental disorder beyond General Anxiety Disorder due to how I act, and how strange I am. My views are outlandish, I tend to see things in a very philosophical way where I always try and argue with people, like debate. Now I usually just watch others debate to get my fix.
In my life, I have had people one could consider friends, each wanting something and not giving in return. If someone tells me that they do not want me in their life, I leave and for some reason that is not what they want. People are confusing, annoying, irrational, and demanding. So, I just decided not to have people. I am happier, though still unhappy.
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depression
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I feel like the concept of fidgeting is being explored more these days with the introduction of fidget toys and such. Though it is common to fidget with the hands (such as rubbing hands together or one I do a lot, making a flicking motion with my forefinger and thumb repeatedly), there are other more darker ways people fidget.
My personal problem comes with my hair. I often touch, twirl, or play with the edges of my hair, which is a lot more harmful than one would think. My hair is thick and curly, often when I touch it or twirl, it clumps up and I end up pulling it out. This got so bad, at one point my hair was noticeably shorter and I couldn’t figure out how to stop. All I could do is look in horror as I pulled out another hair clump and set it aside in a small pile (and my mother and aunt would shame me saying if I stopped touching my hair then maybe it’d be long). I only recently realized this was fidgeting and not something I could control so easily.
With fidget toys, I can easily forget them and they don’t give me the same sensory satisfaction that my hair texture does. I look back in videos and see me staring blankly, twirling my hair, it’s pathetic. I’ve yet to hear anyone talk about this, specifically hair twirling and fidgeting.
The other one I know is common and I wish there was a fidget toy or a substitution and that is skin/scab picking. I’m not sure why it’s so satisfying, but if I have one I will excessively feel, touch, then pick my scabs. I’ve heard people pick their scalps too which I’m guilty of. The downside to this (other than putting germs on your scabs or causing unnecessary bleeding) is the scars. I’ve got scars on my legs and arms from mosquito bites I’ve scratched so hard to cause them to bleed to make scabs. Then I’d play and pick those scabs. My body would repeatedly try to heal itself but I’d pick over those scabs too until they leave scars. It’s not pretty, my legs look awful. But even worse I’ve heard of people keeping sharp objects and purposely causing bleeding to make scabs to mess with.
I feel like the darker parts of fidgeting aren’t talked about too much. It’s more than just playing with toys or squirming around. I can’t control it. I once tried to force myself to stop touching my hair so it could grow, but it only worked for so long.
What’s your experience with harmful fidgeting and what are ways you deal with it?
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ADHD
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Was not sure where else to post this.
Hi, I've been dealing with a stalker issue for a while now.
I have plans to change my full legal name and move away. I'm just not sure about the details of it.
I live in Colorado, currently. I've made the decision to do this because the cops in my area will just laugh at me if I report it. I'm too scared something bad will come of it if I report. This person had given my phone number out so other people can help him harass me,, sexually harassed me, was grossly possessive, was putting money in my bank account, tried to hurt my boyfriend, hacked into my Gmail account into my cloud and stole my naked pictures, and accused us of stealing from him for attention. This person has done so much to hurt me. I just want to move away and let things return to normal.
I don't know what the first step to changing my name is, I don't know how much a full legal name change costs in total. I need advice. I'm completely overwhelmed.
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ptsd
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TW: sexual abuse, potential child abuse? rape.
i was diagnosed with PTSD in 2014 due to being raped. i won’t get much into all of that bc that’s not what i’m here for.
i’m wondering if i have any repressed memories from my childhood, specifically of being sexually abused.
from a very young age, i’ve always known what sex was. i remember getting in trouble at the age of 5 for telling one of my cousins what it was. i knew that “fucking” (like “i just walked in on my parents fucking! eww!” kinda thing) was sex. my parents had never given me the talk, because they realized i already knew what it was. i started masturbating around age 6, as well. watched porn, all of that. i have absolutely no idea where i had learned it from. i knew what sex was before my sister (who is 7 years older than i am) did.
and i’ve always had a love hate relationship with my father. my brother (whos a year younger than me, he was my best friend) hated him completely. he was in and out of our lives a lot, but i remember hating him with every ounce of my being, but feeling so guilty about hating him so i tried to force myself to love him “bc that’s my dad” if that makes sense.
my brother and i have always been super close. we don’t get along, and from the outside you’d think we hate each other, but we slept in the same bed throughout our childhood, always had to be near each other even if we were pissed at one another, so on and so forth. we have never discussed our traumas or anything to one another, but we both know there’s something there, were just not sure what.
i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2016, with several “misdiagnosis” beforehand. my brother was diagnosed with bipolar II with psychosis.
i also remember panicking at rape scenes, always being afraid of men, and never wanting to go out anywhere because i was terrified someone would hurt me.
it’s been eating me alive lately, as my father has cancer and will be passing soon. i definitely want to know if he is the cause for all of this. i just don’t want to relive the memories if it did happen.
i’m too afraid to talk to my brother about it, because any time our father is mentioned he breaks out into this super violent manic episode that can last for months.
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ptsd
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I’ve been on meds for a little over a month and I’m trying to figure out if this is a side effect of the meds. Lately I (37f) can’t stand any physical touch from my husband. Like even a kiss on the forehead or a hug. It makes me so tense and nauseous. I do crash pretty hard from the Adderall around 3-4p, but this is happening later after we’ve got the kids down to bed. I’m trying to figure out if I’m just an exhausted mom, it’s a medication side effect, or I actually have some real issue I can’t pinpoint! I am little stressed about my crazy mother moving close to us in a few weeks, but I’m not thinking about that when it happens.
I’m thinking about stopping the Adderall (20mg XR) for a few days to see if it goes away, but I felt like garbage the one day I’ve skipped it so far. I’m a little nervous about the possible withdrawal and it has been really helpful other than the crash headache and fog for an hour or so each afternoon.
Edited to add, I’ve been doing intermittent fasting also, which probably makes things less clear. I don’t feel irritable though, it’s just the snuggles from husband that make me extremely uncomfortable. Ugh :(
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ADHD
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Hey everyone,
I’ve seen a few of these posts over the past months so I doubted to submit this post but I really do need to vent and not much more (couldn't really choose the right flair for that). Advice or stories of own experience are always welcome though :)
After a long looong process of getting diagnosed and getting started with therapy I am now also going to start with medication. I just picked up my box of pills yesterday and am ready to start. But I am sooo scared to start.
Scared what it will do to me as it’s the first time I’ve ever taken a pill for anything (except contraception pills), and scared of possible side effects. But deep down I’m actually more afraid that it won’t work at all.
All my life I’ve been struggling to get by in life, feeling different, blablabla, everyone here diagnosed later in life knows this riddle. I’ve been depressed because of it, I had trouble with relationships because of it and I’ve done many things that I would have done differently if I knew how to handle it better back then.
I’ve tried all the planners, bullet journals, schedules and other tricks in the book, I’m motivated to the max till I’m not anymore. I just got diagnosed at 27 and starting therapy, I know this will help and there are still schedules and tricks I don’t know of yet but I’m a bit hesitant to think that this will be the one schedule that will work for me and I will stick to it.
So I am going to try medication. It feels like this is the last resort, this HAS to help because if this isn’t it, that means my life will always be the complete mess it was in the past. I NEED this to work. But what if it doesn’t? I’m so glad I found out about me having ADHD and this past year has been a sigh of relief and I finally felt home when I found out about all you lovely people experiencing the same things. I felt there was finally a possible way out of this, there were things that could help me cope better with life. But now I’m so scared that it doesn’t work. I know I’ve survived the past 27 years without medication and I can always go back to that, but I don’t want that. I want to be better at guiding myself through this crazy life. And if this doesn’t work, what will?
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ADHD
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Hi all, I've posted on here before about my relationship and found it helpful. I'm with someone who has pretty severe ADHD and we love each other a lot, and find the kind of connection we have to be rare so want to make it work. He says often it is the deepest, most profound relationship he has had and we are in our 30sF (me) and him 40sM. So we both are in it.
What I struggle with the most, I think, is his "out of sight, out of mind" when it comes to people. I think at its worst was when he came over for his lunch break, we were intimate and then he left right after and forgot about me for the next 36 hours. I felt super used and unloved, and told him and he felt awful about it of course. It doesn't help that I'm the opposite of him in this way. I'm super focused and attuned and attentive to people at just about all times, if they are with me or away. I'm wondering what might help here? Help me not feel forgotten about. Help him remember me. Help me not take it so personally when it does happen. What has helped you, or your partner?
As a little aside, I know some people on here have said things like if you don't accept him as he is exactly, just leave. But that's not how either of us work. I actually said to him once, in my worrying if we should be together, that I couldn't just accept him the way his ex-wife of 15 years did, who seemed to have no issues at all with his ADHD or him in general. That I struggled with certain things about him that she didn't...and he told me he disliked that about her. He wants someone to challenge him to be a better person, he sees constructive criticism as a high form of love, and found her "acceptance" to feel like a disinterest in him and a lack of attention to him, and a lack of interest in his growth as a person. He actually started therapy recently, and he has already grown so much it is inspiring. <3
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ADHD
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For example, if there's something you don't want to do and your mind is like "do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it...", is doing it a compulsion even if you don't want to, or is it something else?
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OCD
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I’ve been crying for I don’t know how long today. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m stressed. I just wanna curl up in a ball and ignore everything. I’m just so mentally exhausted I don’t even know what to do.
There isn’t anything horribly wrong in my life. Physical health has been improving from multiple ER visits last year. Mental health is mostly in check with medications. Work is good. Relationship is good. I’m clean and sober.
I’m just tired. I don’t know how else to explain it.
I don’t want to talk my partner because it makes them feel guilty for not being able to help me and scares them even though I am not suicidal.
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depression
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I (33 M)just found out my partner (31 F) has undiagnosed ADHD. It frustrated me when she would sleep all day and chores, bills and tasks were never done or shared between my partner and I equally. She brought up how she wants a kid and I exploded at how I do everything around our apartment. Now our relationship is in shambles, but I still dreadfully love her. How do I deal and proceed?
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ADHD
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It is a parasite that has latched on to my life and destroyed it. I am nothing because it took everything away from me. I feel nothing but pain and anguish because it absorbed my happiness and uses it against me. It knows I used to be happy. It knows how to make me feel like a waste of space.
It dominates me and takes pleasure in knowing that I am submissive to it. It takes pleasure in knowing that I try to fight it -- that I try to take up arms to kill it once and for all. It makes me care too much -- to the extent that empathy has ruined me. The littlest misteps send me over the edge and make me want to die. It knows I am worthless now and relishes in the opportunity to bully me day after day.
It ruins my relationships. I cannot talk to someone without worrying that I hurt them in some way. I cannot make new friends without thinking I no longer deserve them. It wants me to wallow in misfortune -- so it can absorb my tears and make me feel like a restless child. It makes me physically ill and has been successful in priming my self-hatred. I have so much disdain for who I am and what it means to be me. If it ever wanted to kill me, it has succeeded because I am lifeless.
Thank you, Parasite, for allowing me to live in a personal hell forever.
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OCD
|
Has anyone struggled with relationships and men calling your crazy because you have ptsd and it flares up ptsd isn’t our fault and it makes me mad that I’ve dealt with people who aren’t compassionate and I’m struggling with a lot I’m not okay
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ptsd
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EDIT: In case this helps someone.
I did what I was supposed to do last night. I used guided meditation, journaled, read a chapter of a book I'm working on, and got into my bed early. I used essential oils and practiced deep breathing and relaxation. Don't get me wrong; I didn't want to fucking do any of this. I wanted to scream, to focus on my pain. I wanted to throw shit and berate myself. But I didn't. I did what I have been told to do. And I woke up this morning in less pain and more clear. I'm still tired, but I am not on the edge. Please take care of yourselves as best as you can.
I'm trying to work through these feelings as best I can, but I am having a very difficult time finding any self-worth. I let a betrayal get me quite down and let it take a deep toll on my emotions and ability to trust. I'm very confused about another situation I've now found myself in. I take full responsibility for putting myself out there and for any mistakes I have made; I should have simply stayed inward. I just don't know how to move through this or to navigate the world any longer. I feel completely worthless, stupid, and naive. I am also going through the beginning of separation from my husband, which is desired, but it's not easy. So he is out of town for the week while I am working and taking care of the children. I'm trying to exercise and focus on priorities, but I cannot stop hating myself and feeling like all I do is bring horrible things into the world. I am taking my medications and have a solid psychology/psychiatry team. So...I guess this is the way I'm going to feel. At least for a good while. But I'm so so so tired. I am so fucking tired.
I am open to any advice on how to keep moving forward. I am distracted and generally miserable, regardless of what I try.
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depression
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Life is not what it used to be anymore.
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This is a short rant as I really need to get story of life out, I do not know what my life is anymore and I question it everyday, maybe someone will read this. I am sorry if my English is not the best right now, but long text is exhausting me.
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I grew up with my parents until I was 3 years old, until they divorced on the day of Christmas. I will never forget that day, it was so horrible for me at the time. I never got to see my dad even though I cried in despair so that I can see him. From that day on, everything just went downhill.
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I do not have a good connection to my mother anymore, she even sent me to a therapist back then when I was around 5 years old because she thought my need for a father was just sick. I know many people will rant when I say this, but I do not want my mother and I do not care about her as she did not care about me. She even had another man (my stepfather) just 2 years after my parents broke up, and he was a controlling person as well as an agressive man. I mainly lived with my grandparents who were just living upstairs, my grandma drove me to the kindergarden, to primary school, made food for me, things your mother would normally do for you. God fucking dammit this woman is was a blessing for me. She truly was an angel. She lost her wings after my grandpa died of cancer, I saw my grandpa everyday and I just felt worse and worse from day to day as I saw him getting killed by his cancer. Staying there with my 10 years of life, I could not recognize my grandpas face anymore. I was in shock for half of my life already. I always felt cold, I even wore a jacket in my bed so I can sleep well, my immune system was shit, I could not do anything. During that time my own father wasnt even there for me; his life revolved around partying and multiple women, even at weekends where I was allowed to visit him with my brother. Instead he tried to fulfill our lives with materialistic things, which worked out for my brother as he was older, but not for me. Fuck this money, I was a lone child and just wanted some affection from anyone. But instead his mother (my other grandma) took care of us in this situation as well. Not that I hated her but I saw my grandparents more often than anyone else, they became my real parents so to speak. Up to this day my father never said sorry about what had happened during that time, its sad when Im thinking about it while writing this text about my life.
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During my time in kindergarden and primary school I became a very toxic kid, hating everything and everyone because I did not knew it any better. It was my way of coping with this shitty life of mine back then. My primary school was a bad place anyway, during the breaks I was always inside and was not allowed to play (like some others) because we were fighting and did not like each other. Real friends never existed back then and I have never experienced something like a good friend back then.
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After my grandpas death, I isolated myself so much. Bad posture, I did not talk to anyone and if I talked I was like a psychopath not knowing what they were talking about. The time I am talking about is so dark that I do not even remember everything to its core. I know that I started smoking cigarettes with 13 or so, my parents did not care about that. Later my mother and stepfather even went on to blame me and my brother for every problem in this broken family (narcistic), even though my stepfather started hitting me and my brother once in a while or started yelling at us. I just wanted to go away from home. This time, my mother made an attempt at a family therapist, she was nice and helped me through the time but I still felt horrible in this hole. I do not want to live with these people. They even spied on my phone, they always wanted to know where I am, what I am doing and who the people are I am doing things with. It happend for like 2 years until I noticed it, they were very witty about it and this is just disgusting. During that time they were quite picky, they never said good things about me, if something appeared negatively to them they would just start yelling at me and tell me how bad of a person I just am. I mean not everyone of us is perfect, but your own family being your biggest burden is the worst thing to happen. It took a long time until my father took me to his home so I didnt have to live with my mother and stepfather anymore.
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His quick turn and decision to take me was because of the latest beating of my stepfather. I had extreme headache as he hit me right on top of my head with his bare fist. Not even my brother defended me, he even said he is certain that I provoked him and started a fight...
​
Imagine a 200-220lbs man in his 40s jumps on you, a 14 year old kid, just because he cannot handle his own emotions towards me and my brother, as well as a mother that does not defend her own children. My father came directly after that. But hell did not stop there.
​
My mom and stepfather once caught me with some weed, hey, everyone did something during that time, it IS normal. They freaked out, took my mobile phone for 1 year and told me they will throw the weed away. Well, the thing is that they kept it and gave it to the police. Your own parents use something they sweared they will throw away just to fuck you up. From that point on my life is just on autopilot, wandering through everything. I do not wanna feel, I do not wanna do anything, I dont want to do shit anymore.
Life at my fathers place is not better. He works from early in the morning to late at night, he is a very busy man. He also lives in another city, which made me even more uncomfortable. No friends, no one home, looking out the window you do not even have the power to explore. From a small city to a big city, everything overwhelmed me. Now there is corona, for me its more like "same shit different day", with a little bit of trashtalk going on in our world.
​
Up to this day I am staying strong, even though I have many flashbacks on a daily basis and try to make the best out of my problems that stem from old occurences . I have a girlfriend I am very happy with and I am happy when all of this ends.
​
Thanks to everyone who took their time to listen to me, I hope you all have a great life and time and hopefully you guys try to see a light even if the place you are in is completly dark.
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ptsd
|
Does anyone else have a thought they’re obsessed about and you know you have to do ERP and so you’re just like “Ok I’ll do ERP after i solve this thought” and then as soon as you get over that thought and get a new one you go “ok after this thought, THEN I’ll start disregarding thoughts” and you do the same thing over again 😭
I definitely need to stop this horrible habit of mine. ERP starts NOW
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OCD
|
I have been dealing with this issue for a couple years and I have suspicion that it may be a form of PTSD. Growing up, my household wasn’t that nicest. My dad was extremely narcissistic and controlling, I would argue mentally abusive. When I was around 18-19 I was older and realized what was going on in the house hold so me and him clashed a lot. It got worse and worse to the point of nasty verbal altercations at each other and got to the point where we would get physical. The first time I was attacked I was 18-19 and I walked away from a argument and he pushed me down the hall. I had never stood up for self in my life and I honestly flipped shit and ran at him and tried to fight him. Ended up in a headlock, and it ended soon after. About a year later, it got worse and this time he beat the shit out of me. In the house, and out in the drive way. I am going on 23 now, and I get extremely mad and depressed over these altercations to the point I feel like it’s happening again. I end up punching the air, I end up practically imagining I am beating the shit out of him punching my floor, then usually after all that energy comes out I cry depressed about it for 10-15 minutes. This has been happening every couple of months since the last incident. I also get nervous at any loud commotion at anyone’s house, even when it’s just laughter or general conversation and nothing bad. My heart will drop sometimes when I hear loud commotion. I am too embarrassed to seek therapy even though I have been before for other issues. Does this sound like ptsd to any of you?
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ptsd
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