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It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict. | Uh-huh. And "if"? |
A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that." | So "if" we don't all vote the same way, we'll be "deadlocked" and have to be "sequestered" in the Springfield Palace Hotel. |
Let's vote. My liver is failing. | Where we'll get... a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO - Oooh, "Free Willy!" |
Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote. | Uh, how are the rest of you voting? |
Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote. | I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddie Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel. |
You know, we're kind of like the original "Odd Couple." You're the messy one and I'm... | Shut up. |
Ew, What a mess. | I don't like this new director's cut. |
You're stealing a table? | I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir. |
Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing? | Souvenir. |
Good for you, Homie. You know, a lot of things happened around here while you were gone. | Great, Marge. I wanna hear all about it. |
Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake. | What? It's not Magaggie's birthday? Oh. |
Hey, hey, hey hey, stop it! I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there. | Ooh. |
It's been great spending time with my family again. I guess the next time I see you won't be until Thanksgiving. | Or, if not then, Christmas. |
Homey, you know, it's funny -- both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely. | Hee, hee, hee, hee. That is funny. |
Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together, or shopping, or to that room in the library that's always full of old people. "Periodicals," that's it. | Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. |
Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?! | Oh. |
Pardon me, sir. Forgive my clumsiness. | Not at all. |
Well, I think it's wonderful that your father has fallen in love with my mother. | Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing! Damn opposed! |
Bart! Homer, what possible reason could you have against Grampa being in love? | If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids, they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand! |
Hot diggity! I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eatin' an apple! I even bought me some special novelty dentures. | Dad, that will never work. If you want to make your move, you've gotta play it... cool. |
Hot diggity! I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eatin' an apple! I even bought me some special novelty dentures. | NOW, WHAT YOU GOTTA DO / IF YOU WANT TO GET A KISS / IS ACT REAL SMOOTH / AND MAKE YOUR MOVE LIKE THIS. |
Oh, I see. SO IF I TAKE YOUR ADVICE / AND MAKE YOUR PATENTED MOVE / THEN MY CHANCES FOR LOVE / WILL SLIGHTLY IMPROVE? | NOW WHAT'S THAT RULE? |
Whoop-de-doo, employees! Everyone who's found true love may leave early today! | All right! |
Mom's almost ready for her date. She sure seems taken by this new beau. I feel so bad for Grampa. | Dad says this new guy is a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire, so let's all be extra-nice to him. |
Why it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma! Oh, and this must be little Pebbles! Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates. | Yabba-dabba-doo! |
He's an awful, awful, awful man, but I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters. | That's right, money. Your money's happiness is all that moneys. |
Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged three hundred fifty dollars on your credit card. | What?! |
Don't worry, here's the cash. | Woo hoo! Three hundred fifty dollars!! Now I can buy seventy transcripts of "Nightline"! |
But Dad... | Woo hoo! |
Evil-schmevil, Marge. Monty can provide for me, and besides, he's a great kisser. | Ew yuuuuck! |
Homer, do you want any cards? Homer? | Whew. Don't try to eat these so-called "chips." |
Do you want another card or not? | Huh? Oh. Okay. I'll take three. |
Do you want another card or not? | I mean, woo hoo! |
I'm in. Let's see your cards. | I was bluffing. |
Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just because he's a little slow... | How dare you call me that?! |
We don't think you're slow. But, on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything. | You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another. Each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once -- just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live! |
Oh Homie, if you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better. | Take another bath in malt liquor? |
... There's that. Or, you could take an adult education course. | Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course and I forgot how to drive? |
That's because you were drunk! | And how. |
Gettin' better! | Wait a minute, even Lenny is teaching a class. Look at the way they admire and adore him. |
Gettin' better! | That's it! If he can teach a class, he can teach a class. I mean, I can teach a class. |
What is your area of expertise? | Well... I can tell the difference between butter and "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." |
No you can't, Mr. Simpson. No one can. | I've failed again. Everybody can teach a class but me. I'm an idiot. What am I gonna tell my wife and kids? |
Oh, you're married? | That depends. Is there another way to get this job? |
No, Mr. Simpson, what I mean is, we may have a job for you after all. We need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage. | I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house, away from all that nagging and noise... Of a family of love. Sha la la la. |
Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket. | Incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets. |
I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad. So, will you be lecturing from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method of interactive class participation? | Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher. |
Well, Homer, what a pleasant... | Can't talk now, Flanders. I've got a class to teach. |
Can I take your order? | Nothing for me, today! I've got a class to teach! |
Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box. | It's all right! I'm a teacher. |
Thank you. | Ew. Okay, let's get started. |
Thank you. | No talking. |
Um, how about if we tell you our problems with relationships? | Yeah, yeah. That'll eat up some time. Uh, how 'bout you, Otto. |
Simpson! | Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny. |
You were not! You were just eating a damn orange! | Uh, yes, yes. To the untrained eye I'm eating an orange. But to the eye that has brains, I am making a point about marriage. For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. |
You were not! You were just eating a damn orange! | First you have the skin, then the sweet, sweet innards. |
I don't understand. | Okay. But then we've got to get to work. |
He's a horrible excuse for an educator. | I told Marge this wouldn't work the other night in bed. |
So something wasn't working in bed, huh? | No, that's not what I meant. Marge and I always talk things over in bed. Like the other night we were fighting about money. |
Trouble in paradise, huh? DERISIVE LAUGH) | I was telling Marge that we could save some money if she only dyed her hair once a month. |
Marge dyes her hair? | Oh yeah. She's been gray as a mule since she was seventeen. |
Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class. | Marge, I didn't tell 'em personal stuff. |
Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair. | Oh, you mean about you. All right, maybe I said some things -- some personal things. But, you should have seen 'em, Marge. They really wanted to hear what I had to say. |
Mm-hmm. I'm happy about that. But, I think you can be a good teacher and still respect our privacy. | Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one there everyday, putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of g... |
Homer, don't ever tell them personal stuff about me again. | Yes ma'am. |
Tell us more about you and Marge. | This is a place of learning, not a house of... hearing about things. |
I can't believe I paid ten thousand dollars for this course! What the heck was that lab fee for? | No, wait! Uh, uh, wait!... I, yes! I do have a story about two other young marrieds. |
Oh, all right. / Okay. | Now, the wife of this couple has an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow. |
We need names! | Well let's just call 'em uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, If this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.' |
Homer, don't you have to get to class? | Not tonight, Marge. Tonight we can eat a nice, leisurely dinner at home. |
What the darn...? | Marge, you'll never guess what. My whole class is here. They're going to observe the human peep show that is our lives. |
Apparently that disturbing odor was the food. | So, little Lisa, apple of my eye. How are things down at the ol' schoolhouse? |
I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares. | And how's my little major leaguer? Catch any Junebugs today? |
Well, me and Milhouse took some mail from a mail truck and threw it down the sewer. | Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do. |
What the hell are you talkin' about? You're the one who double dared us. | Why you little... |
Me too. | Well, now that the little ones have toddled off to bed... |
Get out! Get out! Get out! | All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven through eighteen in Lisa's diary. |
You, too. | Huh? |
Get out! | But I'm not in the cla... |
You just don't get it, do you, Homer? You told personal things about our lives even after you promised you wouldn't. I can't trust you anymore. | But, I learned my lesson. It'll never happen again. |
Hey, Homer, what's the big brouhaha? Ha. | Aw, Marge is throwing me out for blabbing about her elbow thing. |
Hey, Homer, what's the big brouhaha? Ha. | Honey, the door blew shut! Oh. Fine. That's what you want? You got it. This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world. |
Affirmative, humanoid. | Don't mind me boys, just scrubbing my undies. |
Sorry, Bart, your dad kinda blew the fantasy. I only like it when I'm pretend scared. | Keep up the rough-housing, son. Without a strong male presence in the house, you could turn sissy overnight. Oh, these stubborn grass stains. |
Funny... the way everything reminds me of Homer. | I love you... Will you marry me, Marge?... You mean I'm gonna be a daddy?... I hope we'll always be together... together... together... |
Funny... the way everything reminds me of Homer. | Together? |
Here, Dad. I brought you some nice... | Good news, Lisa. I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement that's superior to her in almost every way. |
Dad, that's just a plant. | Lisa, you will respect your new mother. Now give her a kiss. Kisss herrr. |
Dad, that's just a plant. | OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod. All right, let's get our stories straight. She tripped, right? |
Look, I brought you some nice pudding. | Ah, your flesh mother used to bring me pudding. Oh, I miss Marge. Lisa you're smart. Help me trick her into taking me back. |
Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people come together and stay together. There's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you want to get Mom back, you just have to remember what you give her that nobody else can. | I'll pay you forty dollars if you think of it for me. |
No. | Okay, thirty. |
Good luck, Dad. | All right, brain. It's all up to you. If you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever. |
Homer! | Moe, what are you doing here? |
I didn't ask her for no water. She's lying, Homer, she's lyin'. She told me you were dead. That's the only reason I... I didn't do nothin'! | Bye, Moe! |
Homer, what happened to you? | Marge, I figured out what I can give you that no one else can. |
Homer, what happened to you? | A bouquet of po... |
Homer, what happened to you? | I give up. I don't deserve to live with you. |
Homer, what happened to you? | My tattered rags are caught on your coffee table. |
Oh, here, let me help you. | Wait a minute! Wait, that's it! I know now what I can offer you that no one else can. Complete and utter dependence. |
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