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SaturdayNightLive | protective_mom_2_snl | Babe before we go in. I just want you to know that you have nothing to be worried about. My mom's not here and my aunt is gonna. Love you Louise. I know I'm so excited. Yeah, Rosa, we're here and who is she? Yeah, this is Casey, let me know we are. My girlfriend, Lean down we all may be. Thank you, don't worry about he... |
dropout | optical_illusion_girlfriend | Man, this is my apartment. And hey, this is my roommate, Jeff. Jeff, this is my new girlfriend.
Oh, hey. Oh! Oh my god. What is it?
She's horrible. She's a beautiful woman. Huddle up. Dude, your girlfriend's an optical illusion.
What? Look at her. What do you see? I see a beautiful woman wearing a beautiful hat. See... |
SaturdayNightLive | mark_wahlberg_talks_to_christmas_animals_snl | Mark Wahlberg talks to Christmas animals. Hey, I'm Mark Wahlberg. you guys know me. it's the holiday season. let's go talk to some Christmas animals.
Hey, sheep. how's it going? I like your fur. you were at the first Christmas, right? Let me ask you something. did you guys know it was gonna be a big thing? Okay, well,... |
TheOnion | The_Best_Of_Today_Now_Fresh_Roasted_Cup_Of_News | Stay with us because coming up in a little bit, we're going to have our MoneyWise segment. Oh, for people who are trying to save a few pennies these days, we're going to show you how to guilt your kids into dropping out of college.
But right now, let's return to the story of little Zach Shaw, who last week was tragica... |
cracked | 8_places_you_ll_recognize_from_the_background_of_every_movie | places recognize I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious no I'm Sid I thought you were dead and you're right here that's not me what happened to you I got a wife you got a dig you do have a dig don't you yes oh that I that I actually can't explain right I'm sure you can love it's a mother why is this happening I send you guys m... |
dropout | hardly_working_school_spirit | Oh! Oh, and apparently your old college Dartmouth has a game against Canby University tonight. Yeah, whatever, I never really went in for any of that school spirit horse shit anyway. There he is, Percy. There's that frog-brained Dartmouth man. We heard there was one of your ilk here. Canby's going to lick you good toni... |
cracked | scott_bug_q_a_cure_for_cancer | Professor, I heard we're close to curing cancer. In your eyes, what's the most exciting aspect of that field? The most exciting thing to me is the possibility of it all, right?
So we have, as I've explained, we have many telescopes around the globe, and they're all pointing up and down and all around, right? And we ha... |
dropout | senior_beer | I can't believe we're all going off to college. I can hardly even remember senior year.
More like senior beer. We had a lot of beers this year, guys. More like we had a lot of beers this beer. Yeah. I'm going to miss you guys. Any friends I make in college are going to have some pretty big shoes to fill. More like pre... |
cracked | why_two_cracked_editors_have_to_die | Hey Kyle, what it's been three years, dude. Help me out sat next to you for three years Paul.
No, Thomas. No, Mark. No Michael, sorry.
Yeah. All right. Hey Dan.
How come the site won't come up? Is it cuz I typed the address of my wiener? Where is everybody cuz my hands are full of tiny dogs I didn't ask why where is... |
dropout | inside_mike_trapp_s_gross_new_animated_series | Hey kids, remember, everything you're about to learn is real. WTF, uh, sorry, what the fuck 101. Ours is an uncensored platform. Comes from some of this territory that we've been playing around with lately, which is the truth made more fun. I loved the Magic School Bus books when I was a kid. It just seemed like a natu... |
dropout | the_roast_of_facebook | But now, people spend an average of three hours a day on Facebook. Of course, for two hours and 54 minutes of that, they're trying to figure out their privacy settings. Seriously, Facebook collects so much personal information, he's going to be on an upcoming episode of Hoarders.
He stacks up ad keywords like they're ... |
dropout | what_s_your_worst_roommate_story | And that resulted in this, like, enormous fight. Junior, senior year, I lived in an apartment building with six other guys. One day, one of my roommates, whose name I'm going to make up, we'll call him Maximilian, was buying illegal drugs from his illegal drug dealer. And Maximilian was a very awkward dude, and we all ... |
dropout | When_Your_Friend_s_Weekend_Plans_All_Sound_Terrible | Dang, it's almost the weekend, I don't have any plans yet. Oh yeah, same here. Well, I have some ideas but I don't know if anyone else would be into them, they're kind of Katy things. Oh, like what were you thinking? Well, these bands aren't for everyone, but Maroon 5, Jason Mraz, and The Fray are putting on a secret c... |
cracked | men_review_aka_gross_guys | That's what you're going to do. I was going to do a countdown, but I was like, I don't want to wait 30 seconds. It's one o'clock.
That is so funny, just because for people behind the scenes, Jesse was in the middle of a joke, and then George just went gunk and hit the button, and then he said his mic was muted, and he... |
dropout | how_to_pretend_you_like_that_shitty_gift_hardly_working | Okay, everyone, gather around because it is present time! Oh, but oh, whiskey stones! You got me whiskey stones! Oh, okay, uh, I don't have this. I've always wanted this. I've always wanted whiskey stones.
Cool. Cool, so it goes like in the whiskey and it makes it colder. Cool, so it's like ice that you have to wash.
... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_251_Kate_Reid | It's something I really take a lot of enjoyment in. It's the little things in your week that you look forward to. But we have something quite big to look forward to over the next week.
We're all heading down, a few of us are heading down to the events capital of Australia. They're the capital for everything, I think. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | bill_kurtis_looping_session_saturday_night_live | All right, I think all the levels are set. Yeah, Bill. we've just got a few pickups for the new show. You want to start with the Radio Spot? Sure thing, Randy! I'm Bill Curtis. join me on my new show Inside the Mind of the Serial Killer. Only on the A&e Great Bill. how many shows they got you doing over there at A&e no... |
TheOnion | Political_Talk_Show_Host_Suddenly_Very_Interested_In_Manslaughter_Law_Loopholes | I'm Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes, who is the new mayor of Baltimore.
A recent survey shows that most Americans are confused about the laws regarding manslaughter. For example, if someone were to pull out of an Applebee's parking lot at 1.30 in the morning last Tuesday and hit a pedestrian walking on th... |
cracked | the_mind_blowing_hidden_meaning_of_back_to_the_future | Hey Butt-Heads, and welcome to another award-wanting installment of Cracked's Think-Em-Ups, the series of thoughtful essays slash goof-larious hilarities in the form of streaming video. Today I'd like to talk to you about why Doctor Who's The Doctor is secretly terrible at everything he's ever done, and now that I have... |
dropout | insulting_the_boss_with_a_punk_rock_video_hardly_working | I need to talk to you guys about your music video. You said we could do side projects! You said you were starting a pop-punk band to take down the establishment. You did not say that I was the establishment.
We don't know what you're talking about. Okay. What?
I don't think our love will be free Cause my boss is runn... |
dropout | the_roast_of_abercrombie_fitch | Ever, Krabby, you make clothing for the cool kids in high school. But guess what happens to those cool kids? They grow up and work at you! Seriously, though, you're like a brother to me. An older brother, whom Mom makes hang out with me. It is so good to be here, you guys.
Victoria's Secret, you are looking hot. You k... |
dropout | hardly_working_60s_day | Alright guys, next item, I don't want to be an ass-h here, but staples. If you're gonna use two staples, just use one.
They're not free. Oh my god, can we do something to make this more interesting? Hey, let's have a 60's theme day. It'll be really groovy, guys. Alright, tomorrow's 60's theme day. Yes! Next item in th... |
cracked | iconic_movie_scenes_extended_silence_of_the_lambs | Tell me about the lambs, Glurries. They were, um... They were slaughtering them.
I, uh... I tried to open the gate, but, uh... They just stood there, confused.
I picked one up, and I grabbed it, and I ran. And I ran. It was just so heavy.
And what became of your little lamb? Well... It seems as though we found us. W... |
dropout | don_t_transfer_commercial | Tradition. Athletics. Brotherhood.
You haven't found any of these things at Quendalton State University. Isn't it time for a change? No.
At QSU we know the hardest thing about college is getting in and you've already done that. Sure, you could transfer, but do you really want to fill out another application? Do you e... |
dropout | this_wizard_s_riddles_are_bad_riddles_all_nighter | College Humor's All-Nighter! Oh wow, Caldwell.
You look different somehow. Oh yeah, you might be noticing my, uh, nose.
Guys! There's a wizard in the office! Nothing else matters! Follow me. Dang it. Hold! I am the wizard your friend here was just telling you about. Here I have a stone of great power that can be any ... |
TheOnion | The_Gameological_Society_June_Digest_The_Last_Of_Us | Hey, Gamalogeronies, it is your editor, John Tady, and it's time for another edition of our Chat and Chew review show, The Digest. Our guest this time is Drew Towle, Gamalogical contributor.
Our treat today is candy cigarettes. The theme this week is nostalgic candy, and it doesn't get any more nostalgic than this.
I... |
wearethesundayblues | fart_in_front_of_you_song_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | You and me must have been going steady for two or three months When I'm with you I feel I can be me I really feel like it's our destiny We're meant to be And you always let me eat your leftovers You voluntarily massage my shoulders And girl, what we have's the closest thing to perfection But there's one thing that I ke... |
dropout | how_are_you_not_humiliated_hardly_working | your dad was my first kiss yeah I know I just want to hear from you does he ever talk about me oh my god guys the most embarrassing thing happened at my comedy show last night what what happened so I was doing this bit where I was standing on a chair and then I fell in front of everyone that's the most embarrassing thi... |
TheOnion | i_despot_the_brutal_two_year_reign_of_an_undercover_edge_reporter | Let's burn Barcelona to the ground. Spiky as fuck.
Today on Edge, we tell the forgotten story of Bahrain. It's a war-torn landscape of savagery and chaos, a hell on earth, that Edge reporter Justin Perez ruled over as a merciless despot for 24 months to see just how deadly and depraved it could be. This is his story. ... |
dropout | hardly_working_alumni_all_nighter_2012 | We are in the hands of a master story-teller.
Yeah. Man, what happened here? Yo, am I in some topsy-turvy world or some shit? Seriously. Hey, can we help you guys? Nah, man.
Listen, we're all set. The front door is locked, so we kick through some rotting drywall and let ourselves in. My name's Chet, this is Melissa. ... |
TheOnion | NASA_Discovers_This_Planet_Planet_Earth_Just_Might_Be_What_It_s_Been_Searching_For_All_Along | After decades of searching the cosmos, today NASA announced that what it was really looking for was right here on planet Earth all along. "...For years we foolishly chased after comets, moons and stars. Outer space may be beautiful, but it's not as beautiful as the smile of a child, nor as sublime as a good bottle of w... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_world_s_largest_tv | You are watching The Bloop, brought to you by Mountain Dew Voltans. This week I'm here with Pat Casles, Gizmodo's Adam Frucci. And we are at the interactive portability in Manhattan, home of the world's largest and highest resolution TV screen. And as you can see, we came here to play video games. Why don't you call th... |
dropout | declaration_of_email_signatures | This is truly a fantastic day, gentlemen. No longer will we suffer King George's tyranny. All we need to do is sign it, and then our declaration is official.
Hurry up! Yes, hang on. One moment.
A little bit of red. A little blue. Some calligraphy, and a lot of glitter.
Cheers? You can't write cheers. You're not even... |
TheOnion | Soccer_Officially_Announces_It_Is_Gay | Welcome back to Sports Dome.
It's the startling confession that has the whole sports world buzzing. Soccer has come out of the closet to tell the world it's gay. A FIFA spokesperson made the announcement at a press conference earlier today. Soccer is not ashamed of what it is. Soccer is a gay sport. News league soccer... |
SaturdayNightLive | herb_welch_occupy_movement_saturday_night_live | You're watching Wspd News, New York. Good morning everyone, I'm Jack Rizzoli. and I'm Wanda Ramirez. Well, it's May 1st and Occupy Wall Street is back with demonstrations beginning earlier today in Bryant Park. veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene.
Herb, who is today celebrating his 70th year with the Network. ... |
TheOnion | America_Is_More_Religious_Than_Other_Countries_Due_To_Its_Proximity_To_The_Gates_Of_Hell | You've probably heard the U.S. called the most religious developed country on earth, and that's true. But what most people overlook is that America's fervor can actually be explained by one simple factor how close it's located to the churning passage to the underworld contained behind the Hell Gate just off the Gulf of... |
cracked | why_people_want_to_f_horrifying_movie_monsters_monster_management_episode_2 | The evil clown has requested you push his meeting until sometime after the holiday What religion is he claiming now? Who can ever keep track? A representative of demons has invited you both to play golf on Sunday fun and the terrifying little girl from the ring sent us a video message Oh Hit me swarm of flies devouring... |
cracked | 6_self_defense_videos_that_will_get_you_killed | Hi, I'm Cracked Editor, Joshua Sargent, and welcome to Punk Payback. Today I'm going to be watching a bunch of real crime videos, and then explaining how if I had actually been in them, I would have kicked the shit out of people attacking me. If this sounds like lunacy, then keep in mind I just described a real TV show... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_E_T_ | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'll be looking at E.T., a touching, family science fiction movie filled with heart and imagination, but one that perplexingly fails to deliver on its titular promise of an electronic turtle. In fact, despite being titled E.T.,... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_bad_bunny_is_shrek_snl | I don't need it. Hi, hey whoa.
Shrek. Yeah, I'm Shrek. Um, so is is this for the show? Do you want to do like a Shrek thing? I mean, maybe that doesn't find. I guess we could write you a Shrek sketch. Maybe Shrek works in an office? Well, Shrek leaving the swamp, right? Yes, he lives in the swamp. Do you want us to do... |
cracked | 4_directors_who_do_the_same_thing_in_every_movie | Hey directors, same thing in every movie You and I share a secret we know how easy it is to kill somebody Where'd you meet?
Detective Dormer, it's such an honor to meet you, I'm detective Ellie Burr Welcome to Nightmute And you won't remember But he's not the child of Ras Al Gore I am Because making something disappea... |
dropout | Song_of_the_Summer_Offers_Hard_Spankings_for_the_Boys | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening, and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.... |
cracked | why_the_walking_dead_is_just_trolling_us_now_cracked_responds | Hello everyone, welcome to The Walking Talk, our Walking Dead recap review criticism show. The show came back. I've been pretty public about not liking this show on the site and people really hate when I do that and they get very sad. But I've never done it in video form yet, regularly, so maybe that'll change some min... |
SaturdayNightLive | ted_koppel_cold_opening_america_saturday_night_live | Saturday Night Live will be delayed tonight in order to bring you this special report.
America Not Held Hostage Anymore, an Abc News special report with Correspondent Ted Koppel.
Good Evening. when we began the program America Held Hostage, we thought it would be just a miniseries. but to our surprise, it ran for ove... |
ClickHole | the_clintons_have_spent_billions_of_dollars_to_discover_a_way_for_women_to_have_sex_with_each_other | Bill Clinton. Hillary Clinton.
Notice anything strange? That's right.
Funding research to discover a way for women to have sex with each other. I'll tell you the shocking true story right after this. Bill and Hillary Clinton have been funneling billions of dollars from their foundation to discover a way for women to ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_140_Matt_Kean_MP | Today we are joined by a controversial figure in Australian politics. You might know him as The New Turnbull. Others know him as The New Latham. No one knows me as The New Latham. No one said that ever. The New Old Latham. The New Old Latham and Morrison back in December last year knew him as that bloke that we don't k... |
dropout | what_s_inside_hillary_clinton_s_pockets | Hello America! My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and I'd like to show you what's inside my pockets. Any given second of any given day, someone is sprinting to Starbucks on my behalf.
There's no Ann Taylor by me, and the Chico's is freezing. Ginny from Talbots is a godsend.
Living in the 21st century means all work em... |
cracked | the_only_woman_to_ever_rule_china_was_as_badass_as_you_think | One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, eight, nine, ten, eight, nine, ten, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight. Hey guys! Thanks for watching that video! Seems like you like watching stuff.
... |
TheOnion | SPONSORED_New_Wolfenstein_Game_Lets_Players_Choose_Which_Country_Won_WWII | What if you could pick who won World War II? With today's TechTrends GameBite, Bryce Markle has a sneak peek of an upcoming game that lets you rewrite history. Wolfenstein The New Order was originally just a game where you battle to free Earth from Nazis in an alternate timeline where they won World War II, but game ma... |
cracked | the_unbearable_weight_of_massive_talent_review_aka_cages_of_nicholas_past | It's so frustrating to me that it doesn't like, it has to show our face for two seconds before it plays the intro. It does? Yeah, yeah. So it's just like, the count counts to us sitting there for like two seconds. Dead on the stairs. Yeah.
That's so funny. I had no idea.
But anyway, welcome to crack movie club, the s... |
cracked | 6_psas_way_more_f_ed_up_than_any_drug_addict_does_not_compute | Specifically, the insidious threat posed by terrifying PSAs. PSAs that warn us of everything from to or even...
Wait, what? Who doesn't like women? The homosexuals.
You know, we're doing this anti-PSA-PSA just in time. I mean, that video came out in 1967, but you know, now is when my parole officer mandated I do a PS... |
TheOnion | Should_The_Browns_Use_The_First_Overall_Pick_On_A_Once_In_A_Generation_Long_Snapper | Okay strap on those sweat bands because we're about to work up a you-know-what. With the NFL draft upon us everyone is asking what the Cleveland Browns are gonna do with their much anticipated first overall pick. My take?
The best thing the Browns can do in this spot is draft themselves a once in a generation long sna... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_138_Bernard_Fanning | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show recording down here in Budgie Smuggler Studios downtown Batooter in the old city district and today we're joined by a friend of the show I guess you'd call him you kn... |
cracked | why_shopping_in_a_video_game_universe_sucks_8_bits | Welcome.
Would you like to buy an item? Sell an item? Trade an item?
I need armor. Money is no object. I have just the thing. Here we go. Plus 20 defense.
40,000 rupees for satchel. This is cheap burlap. Yes, but it can hold eight more items than your current purse. It's not purse, it's satchel. And with the briefca... |
SaturdayNightLive | king_tut_snl | I'd like to talk seriously, just for a moment. one of the great art exhibits ever to tour the United States is the Treasures of Tutankhamen or King Tut. but I think it's a national disgrace the way we have commercialized it with trinkets and toys, t-shirts and posters. And about three months ago I was up in the woods a... |
cracked | boy_s_night_out | I should have known I couldn't hold on to you. How do you... hold on to an angel?
Hook him by the wing-joint. You know where a jog's in there? A clip or a... claw? Snare would do it.
Ah! Michael! We just opened that! Oh shit! You know what?
I just don't have my normal capacity to deal with your shenanigans today, al... |
dropout | the_six_christmas_movies_you_live_through | This is you. This is your holiday. You understand it's not for everyone, but you like it okay. And these are the six Christmas movies you'll live through. You feel like you just ate Lucky Charms for six weeks straight.
Only the marshmallows, of course. Why sleep? There's no school.
Every meal is followed by cookies. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | jake_from_state_farm_snl | As a homeowner, you never know what's going to go wrong. I wanted to give him a bath. luckily, State Farm has you covered no matter what the issue. And with the State Farm app, you can file a claim in seconds so you can get back to your life. Wow, that was easy. Thanks, Jake, from State Farm. like a good neighbor, Stat... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_07_02_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | G'day, my name's Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the Weekly Battuta News Rap, coming to you live from downtown Battuta in our old city district. G'day listeners, thanks for tuning in as we wrap up all of the top stories from the Battuta Advocate from the week that was live from Koala Mattress Studios. And it's... |
SaturdayNightLive | monday_night_football_frank_gifford_s_affair_snl | We'll have a good crowd tonight as the San Francisco 49ers go up against the Jacksonville Jaguars here on Monday Night Football. Hello again, everyone. Frank Ebert with Al Michaels and Dan Dierdorf And Dan, What a night for football. that's right, Frank. in fact, we've got a good game coming up for you tonight. Jackson... |
TheOnion | Best_of_Onion_Sports_OSN_Tackles_Underreported_Sports | You're back in the sports zone. Professional boxing has been losing fans to UFC and the WWE for years.
Break out those envelopes you'd like to reseal and let's head to the steam room. You're in the steam room where we steam clean the stain of deception from the carpet of sports. Alongside LSN boxing analyst Adam Brani... |
dropout | streeter_theeter_gunter_granz_2 | Amir, you missed one! So that's the situation, unfortunately, we're losing money at a rapid rate.
Any questions? What's that? What do you mean? What's that?
So I'm raising my hand? No! I'm not raising your hand, you're hailing. You're interrupting me?
That's exactly what I wanted to say!
Guys? Cool it. I'm going to... |
SaturdayNightLive | troye_sivan_sleep_demon_snl | Alright, Kayla, I know the electrode stickers can feel strange. are you comfortable? No, not really. great.
Now, tell me why you can't sleep at night. Well, every night when I go to sleep, it feels like there's some sort of figure with me in the room. Well, that's very common with sleep paralysis.
Oh, it is? Thank go... |
TheOnion | New_Law_Requires_Women_To_Name_Baby_Paint_Nursery_Before_Getting_Abortion | I'm Gregory Dawson, sitting in for Clifford Bains, who was accidentally erased.
On the heels of states which have passed abortion laws requiring the viewing of an ultrasound, Arkansas has enacted a new law that requires women to name their unborn baby and paint a nursery for it before undergoing the procedure. Should ... |
SaturdayNightLive | wild_country_gun_cards_saturday_night_live | If your family's like our family, you'll love guns. Oh, look, Daddy, a Smith & Wesson withdraw sight. it's the state gun of New Hampshire. that's right. Well, I didn't know they had state guns, sweetheart. Oh, sure, Mom. these Wild Country gun cards tell about them. every state has an official state gun and official gu... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_There_s_A_Fair_Bit_Going_On_November_20 | Welcome back to the Betooter Advocate radio show recording live here from Budgie Smuggler Studios in downtown Betooter. It's been a very very big week, very big week in the news. We've had all kinds of shit going on, we've had State of Origin, we've had what seems to be a false alarm outbreak in South Australia, just a... |
dropout | malarious_watch_videos_save_lives | We're celebrities and we hate malaria. We hate malaria. Malaria, go fuck yourself.
We wanted to do something to stop it. Something hilarious. Or rather something... Malarious. So we teamed up with College Humor and Malaria No More. And did the most ridiculous stuff imaginable. And put it on the internet.
Really? You ... |
ClickHole | theologians_explain_the_stations_of_the_cross | In Christian tradition, the Stations of the Cross commemorate Jesus Christ's final acts before the Romans executed him for barfing on Christmas. The first Station of the Cross is where Jesus meets his friend, Josiah, who he has not seen in 15 years. The Gospel of Matthew, chapter 24, verse 3. At the foot of the hill, C... |
dropout | how_far_would_you_go_to_hide_a_zit | Murph, we have a whole break room filled with snacks. You don't need to eat gak.
Uh, nice try bro. Get your own gak! Hey guys. Hey Jeff.
Woah.
Jeff, what's with the uh... What's with the uh, what?
Uh, the makeup. You're wearing makeup. What? Oh I'm mad. Yeah you are, like more than me. You're wearing makeup? Okay f... |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Has_All_The_Answers_Even_About_Particle_Physics | Hello, I'm Brooke Alvarez, and I'm answering your questions today. The first one here says, Brooke, do you like cheese? Yes, I do. Good question. Let's do the next one. This one comes via Facebook from Adam Fural.
He says, girl, do you think the lack of groundbreaking results from the Large Hadron Collider is a sign t... |
dropout | Bringing_the_Worst_Thing_to_a_Potluck | Hey! Oh, Lily! You came to the potluck! Yeah, of course!
I hope what I brought is okay. I don't cook a lot. Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine. Um, dishes go right over here, drinks over here, and I'm gonna grab some plates. I'll be right back. People made really nice dishes for this potluck.
Oh no, my cake looks like compar... |
SaturdayNightLive | suppressex_saturday_night_live | Thanks for picking me up, Uncle Jack. hey, you know I don't mind having to leave work early. you mind giving my friends a ride? Sure, get in. this is no time for an erection. you're damn right, it's not. Hi, I'm Dr. Ricky Lamaine. and for years, I've struggled with having erections at the wrong time. I be at the gym an... |
PhilomenaCunkOn | cunk_s_best_questions_part_1_cunk_on_earth | And I'll be asking questions. Who are you? To leading academics, clever notes and expertists who will help me unlock the mystery of human civilization. Why do they say it's a mystery how the pyramids were built when it's obviously just big bricks in a triangle? If someone shouted this aloud, would that have been the fi... |
ClickHole | finally_this_app_tells_you_whenever_your_parents_are_having_sex | Family has always been important to me. But now that I live across the country from my parents, it's hard to stay in touch.
Parent Pulse keeps me connected. It used to be that I had no way of knowing when my parents were having sex, but Parent Pulse changed everything. It tells me when and where they're having sex and... |
dropout | web_site_story | when you're on the net on the net you will stay cuz the whole Google Earth is just one click away when you're on the net why would you go outside why be out in the world you could be worldwide I'm so out of shape I'm gonna buy a moo-moo the skateboard escape from back to the future to is now on what's this Maria I met ... |
dropout | cereal_mascot_therapy_session | It's nice to see everybody here. Who would like to begin?
Well, I would just like to say that I stopped hanging around with Toucan Sam, and I haven't touched a cocoa puff since May 3rd. Three weeks sober. Congratulations.
How does that feel? There's a ringing in my ears, and it feels like my body is eating itself fro... |
SaturdayNightLive | jasper_hahn_and_trina_seville_saturday_night_live | And now an old friend to we can update children's entertainer Jasper Hahn. Everybody hey there, Jimmy Tina, Oh, this is gonna be fun. I brought a new friend along with me. Say hello to Trina Seville. Hey Trina, she's gonna help me to do some of new my new fuzzy buddies. Okay. well, what are you gonna draw for us today?... |
TheOnion | Al_Qaeda_Calls_Off_Attack_On_Nation_s_Capitol_To_Spare_Life_Of_Twilight_Author | The Department of Homeland Security has confirmed that a terrorist attack on the nation's capital was canceled because it posed too great a risk to Twilight author, Stephenie Meyer. Law enforcement officials were alerted to the plot when a flurry of terrorist chatter was detected by NSA intercepts. We're joined now by ... |
dropout | visiting_your_crappy_hometown | Don't you want to get away? For your next vacation, take the trip of a lifetime by visiting the hometown you got the hell out of when you were 18. Your crappy hometown is the perfect destination. Whether you're a college student who couldn't find an internship or a 20-something whose high school friend is getting marri... |
cracked | 4_movies_that_are_actually_propaganda_yboc_star_wars_top_gun_angry_birds | Where am I? CIA black site. Nobody knows you're here.
Why is there a green screen then? It's for fun. Can I get a drink of water? At least some chicken nuggets?
Not until you list four movies and explain their secret agendas. We never noticed.
And we'll let you go and reinstate your status as a full legal doctor. Oh... |
TheOnion | Trekkies_Bash_New_Star_Trek_Film_As_Fun_Watchable | Turning to entertainment, Star Trek fans are decrying the latest film in the long-running series as a fun and watchable, action-packed thrill ride. Yes, it was exciting, but where was the heavy-handed message about tolerance? Where was the stiff acting? I mean, it just didn't seem like a Star Trek movie to me. I'm just... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Aaron_Chen_Star_of_FISK_and_Award_Winning_Comedian_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Close your eyes and soak in the smells of The Last Video Store, the only podcast and YouTube show that talks to interesting people about the films that they love in the style of a video store rental combo.
My name is Alexei Taliopoulos and I am the titular clerk of The Last Video Store and I'm going to tell you this o... |
cracked | the_sudden_urge_to_poop_in_a_bookstore_is_called_the_mariko_aoki_phenomenon | The sudden urge to take a shit after entering a bookstore is known as the Mariko Aoki phenomenon. In 1985, a 29-year-old woman contributed an essay to Japan's Book Magazine that stated that, "...whenever I go to the bookstore, I am struck by an urge to move my bowels."
After the publication became clogged with reports... |
cracked | death_who_s_coming_boo_dinner | Oh my god, Dan! Your family's getting murdered! Oh, they're all gonna die!
Okay. Now, I'm sure you're all wondering why I asked you here. Uh, this is... I'm just coming to you now. This is literally my first moment of consciousness since I went to sleep last night. Did you... dress me? Noted. Now, on this first slide,... |
dropout | why_funerals_are_a_total_ripoff_adam_ruins_everything | What do you think his last words were? Probably whoops or ouch. The concept of last words is as silly as the rest of this.
Wait, are you trying to ruin funerals? This is how people grieve. Yeah, which is why it's so tragic that the American funeral industry needlessly exploits that grief for profit. Case in point, the... |
dropout | big_boobs_then_try_two_sports_bras | Normal sports bras don't give you the support you need. I can't do anything with these meat sacks.
Luckily, there's a solution. Two sports bras, the latest innovation in female athletics. The first time I tried two sports bras, I was like, hey, this will work for now. Our cutting-edge technology takes one sports bra a... |
dropout | should_st_patrick_be_a_woman_prank_news_network | Hi, we're here in Queens, New York today to prove that people believe anything you say about St. Patrick's Day if you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone. So this year, the White House is hosting a pot of gold hunt, much like the Easter egg hunt that's held annually.
Since they are using real gold, should... |
cracked | worst_celebrity_obituary_ever_written_agents_of_cracked_episode_11 | Hey everyone and welcome to the Crackederium collection of Agents of Cracked season one presented for the first time in such High definition that if you look carefully you can see Dan's penis in every shot of the season Even the ones he's not in so look forward to that and hey stay tuned at the end for some little Anec... |
dropout | wifi_prostitutes | You looking for some Wi-Fi? Are you available? You want to connect with me sexy? Definitely. Yo man, you went in on that department Wi-Fi here.
You got to give me a password, motherfucker. What? WEP, motherfucker. 128-bit key, all right? You give me that shit up front, and she's all yours. Look, I don't have a passwor... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_sarah_sherman_and_marcello_hernandez_snl | Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate. I don't know if that's really official, but we're not a real news program, so I'm just going to call it. I was actually surprised they won, given President Biden's low approval ratings. I guess Biden's kind of like the Jurassic World movies. you know, extre... |
TheOnion | Can_A_Mother_Actually_Lift_A_Car_If_Her_Child_Is_Trapped_Under_It | There's an urban legend that's been around since I was a kid. In a moment of panic, a mother lifts up an entire car to save her child trapped underneath. It's a great story, but is this actually possible? Well, today we'll tackle that question from a scientist's perspective. So, can a mother actually lift a car?
Of co... |
cracked | why_everyone_in_aladdin_is_awful_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Today, we're ruining the only Disney Prince to get his own movie. You probably remember Aladdin as a sweet movie about a scrappy thief who gets into harmless shenanigans with his barely tolerable incoherent monkey and the most likeable character, his slave genie. What you probably don't remember is that there are only ... |
TheOnion | Triumphant_Biden_Announces_U_S_Has_Killed_Man_Who_Kind_Of_Looks_Like_Osama_Bin_Laden | Joe Biden has announced that the U.S. has killed a guy that kind of looks like Osama bin Laden. In a huge political win for the president, Biden announced U.S. troops had assassinated someone that vaguely resembled the notorious terrorist and founder of Al Qaeda. After thanking the brave Navy SEALs who completed the mi... |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_phantom_after_dark | Boom, boom, boopies. Oh, can we end up-- No, that's the whole part. Okay, phantom. What? Hey. Oh, cool, what's up? What are you guys doing here?
It's the all nighter, man. All Nighter?
Right, I was here because I was gonna get some of my hog skins that I had drying over there. Oh, yeah, that's what that was. That's w... |
TheOnion | FAA_Shocked_They_Made_Lead_Story_Of_This_Week_s_Onion_Review | The nation's pedophiles march on a Washington D.C. elementary school, a girlfriend plans to stay underneath her blanket for the next five months, and a mother's head rotates demonically after passing a sign for antique wicker furniture. By watching this video, you will be confronting the darkest, most secret part of yo... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_eliot_spitzer_saturday_night_live | In a surprising interview last week, Elliot Spitzer opened up about his troubled marriage and even expounded on the nature of romantic love. here to elaborate, in honor of Valentine's Day, Elliot Spitzer. Ah! All right, hello, New York! Ah, welcome back to the show, Governor. you miss me? how's my replacement doing? is... |
TheOnion | Obama_To_Hold_Performance_Review_With_All_American_Workers | Welcome back to the financial fallout shelter. As part of his plan to spur economic growth by increasing national productivity, President Obama began providing job performance reviews for every American citizen today. The president scheduled the one-on-one meetings to quote, take a problem solving approach to everyone'... |
cracked | a_very_special_infowars_episode_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, it's Alex with another You guys we made it to ten episodes So let's take a stroll back down memory lane with an anniversary clip show Some of these are so old even I don't remember making them anyway If you're a new fan, here's a taste of what the show's like if you're a die-hard fan There still might be on... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_hardest_thing_for_a_doctor_to_tell_their_patient | Alright, Mr. Henderson. How are we feeling?
I'm better. I'm a lot less nauseous. I think I just had some bad shrimp or something. No, it's actually much worse than we thought.
What? Wait, is something wrong with me? Well, according to your test results, it says right here you were poisoned by your enemies. Wait, what... |
TheOnion | How_To_Make_Slow_Cooked_Russet_Potatoes_That_Fall_Right_Off_The_Bone | Nothing makes my mouth water more than the thought of tender, flavorful russet potatoes. So today, I'll be showing you how to cook wonderfully juicy potatoes that fall right off the bone. The first thing I'm going to do is prime the potatoes with my rub. This gives these guys a nice crust and enhances the flavor withou... |
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