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TheOnion | Report_Average_Male_4_000_Less_Effective_In_Fights_Than_They_Imagine | A new report by the Department of Health and Human Services has found that the average male is 4,000 percent less effective in fights than he imagines, casting powerful doubts on many men's claims that they could take someone out in two seconds or smash a guy's face in with their fist. We found that on average men desc... |
SaturdayNightLive | geico_insurance_saturday_night_live | Eric is a real Geico customer, not a paid celebrity. So to help him tell his story, we paired him with Whitney Houston.
I was late for my midterms, so needless to say, I was kind of in a rush. in other words, he felt the need for speed. like I felt the need to free-base cocaine off a hot waffle iron. But mama don't do... |
cracked | why_japan_s_samurai_were_nothing_like_you_think_hilarious_helmet_history | And, and everything I just said is ridiculous. You can let that go.
Samurai were real Japanese warriors. Some were even what you're picturing, but samurai were also pirates, aristocrats, bureaucrats, women, British guys, African guys, and so many more people outside the frame of your samurai mental picture. Also, I sh... |
TheOnion | Judge_Dredge_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | I am San Antonio Parker, and welcome to Hellcomb County Municipal Lake Dredge Appraisal. Now it is with a heavy heart that I must take the reins of tonight's show. As you may have already read, my older brother Kim has been hospitalized with a tragic infection from a pine splinter. And we wish him a speedy recovery. Ge... |
dropout | tips_for_a_fun_new_year_s_eve_ch_shorts | Oh, hello. It's New Year's Eve. Now, you're probably thinking, go out, dummy. You've obviously been invited to a ton of things. Well, guess what? You can have as much fun staying in on New Year's as you can. Go it out! So here are my tips for staying home on New Year's and avoiding all of it.
Oh my, oh, thank goodness... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_view_jack_harlow_snl | Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg, and I'm technically not the star of the View, but I am the only one here who has ever been asked for an autograph. And as always, I'm joined by the pimp into my Jordan, Joy Behar. Oh, come on, I'm Rodman. tell me I'm not Rodman. Well, I know you've ruined some hotel rooms in Vegas. that's for s... |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_the_peanuts_characters_saturday_night_live | This is Abc News Nightline, reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel. the passing of Charles Schulz has left a void in the heart of America. his loyal readers, young and old alike, are celebrating Schulz's humor, warmth, and unique view on life. Tonight, on Nightline, some of those who worked closely with him would like t... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_The_Top_10_Sydney_Movies_Of_All_Time_with_Alexei_Toliopoulos_Live_SXSW_Sydney | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello everyone. Hi. Hi, I'm Effie Bayman, lifestyle and entertainment reporter at Petuda Advocate and I'm joined here with editor Clancy Overall. Thank you for having us.
Now I'm not sure if you're familiar with the ... |
TheOnion | Police_Kidnapped_MoveOn_org_Staffer_s_Please_Help_Emails_Went_Completely_Ignored | And some tragic news out of New York City, where a campaign director at the liberal public policy advocacy group MoveOn.org was found dead yesterday. Kat Barr had apparently been kidnapped 11 months ago and had been secretly sneaking Internet access to constantly send emails for help from her MoveOn.org account, but no... |
dropout | camp_first_day | All right, look, I know it's fun being out here in the woods, away from your parents, hormones raging, but you have to remember that you are counselors. It's camp for them, but it's a job for you, okay? Any questions? Now, I myself came to Camp Winnicocka when I was a boy, yeah, became a counselor, even when I met my w... |
cracked | why_the_new_terminator_movie_seems_so_familiar | John, you can do this, you just go and you don't look back. My whole life I prepared my son to lead humanity in the fight against the machines. On this night, we take back our world. There was one thing I could never prepare him for. The machines tried to rig the game, send a terminator back to the time before the war ... |
dropout | food_show_host_who_insists_food_gets_dropped_into_his_mouth | New York, New York. The city's so nice, they named it twice.
I'm here in the heart of Noho and I'm about to drop in to Ryan Leaf's BBQ. My name is Jeff Pouts and I'm on a mission to find the tastiest high-flying foods across the old U.S. of A. But on Droppin' In, we don't just try the food, we fly the food. Welcome to... |
TheOnion | Report_Local_Gas_Station_Wouldn_t_Be_That_Hard_To_Rob | Citing its lax security, unguarded ATM machine, and numerous exit opportunities, passersby of a local VP told reporters today that if you thought about it for even a second, burglarizing its Reynolds and Murray location would be a pretty easy task. Half the time you go in, the guy's in the back, and I even think the re... |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_2 | Welcome to the 2010 National Elementary School Turtle Racing Final. I'm Claude Barker, and with me as always, Jerome Bettis. From half back to half shell, eh Jerome? I'm smiling as a polite gesture, but I am not happy. The race is just about to get underway, so let's throw it down to our sideline reporter, Winston Madd... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jake_and_amir_8 | ...and the world was... Take it here! It just like everybody was very important to me and when he would have been there... You're being experienced, don't do the dancey robot rap voice. Right? And just like yesterday was very important to me, I wish you had been there. Okay, you actually did mention that to me in one o... |
cracked | when_body_switching_movies_collide_sci_fi_parody | Oh boy. Who did I quantum leap into this time? Al! Sorry Sam. Looks like you're inside the body of a teenage girl. Now I know how Polanski felt. Good one. Something's not right. According to my sensors, you're 40 years old.
Yeah, don't remind me. No, no, no. She is. She must work out.
Hold on to your hat Sam. Accordi... |
cracked | california_drought_watch_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a little more of a serious and I want you to follow me through a week of prepping the Biggest new guy weekly yet California is gripped by drought. We need a video about it, which means we need to do some research I got my books ready my computer my thinking cap everything I need to make th... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_man_punches_kangaroo_woman_ditched_after_ordering_48_oysters_on_date_snl | Van Leeuwen ice cream is introducing several new flavors, including craft Mac and Cheese, kettlecorn, and dill Pickle. And if any of those flavors sound good to you. oh, you're pregnant! New York City has enacted a new law requiring public schools to offer free swimming lessons to second graders, which will come in han... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Rednecks_Rise_Up_Hillsong_Supporter_Steers_Away_From_News_Wedding_Bells_In_Betoota_More_ | My name is Errol Parker and joining me this week is just Wendell Hussey. Wendell, how are you? Mate, I'm alright. I'm not too bad. How are you travelling, Errol?
A lot better than Clancy, mate. I hear he's dying of alcohol poisoning in his bed, so I guess we should kick this along, mate. Let's get this news bulletin r... |
ClickHole | this_app_will_change_the_way_you_listen_to_music | Music is your love. Music is your life. So why not optimize your musical experience?
Well now you can with ToonMate Music Companion App. Hello ToonMate. ToonMate.
Volume up please now. Yes. Volume up in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Verse. Chorus. Verse.
Warning. Key change imminent. Key change in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Hello ToonMate. ... |
dropout | the_hunger_games_unabridged | You read the novels, you saw the movies, but you haven't truly experienced the Hunger Games until now. For the first time, read Suzanne Collins' bold dystopian vision, with over 200 new pages, including every reference to shitting in the woods. It felt like only hours since the bloodbath at the cornucopia, but judging ... |
cracked | 4_popular_zombie_survival_tactics_that_will_get_you_killed | So the shit's finally going down, huh? You're gonna be fine, okay? Just stay alive and don't try any of the four popular zombie survival tactics that will get you killed. Like whatever you do, don't...
Oh, come on. A gun? Not what I mean, kiddo.
Yes, America has almost as many Americans as it has guns. Yes, the time ... |
cracked | why_the_scariest_sci_fi_robot_uprising_has_already_begun_after_hours | For the whole table, again. Ed 209, I mean the T-Rex with fetal alcohol syndrome from Robocop. It's Sorin we're talking about.
His biggest fear is weakness. He once said that the scariest movie monster was the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape.
A boy, Jerry! But Bonnie, you have to follow- MY SON!
So, what did I ... |
dropout | should_we_do_a_bitcoin_sketch_hardly_working | All right guys, we need new video ideas. What do you got?
I was thinking we could do a Bitcoin sketch. Oh yeah, Bitcoin is funny right now, but we'd have to move fast. Trapp, start writing. Wait, Sam. You know, I'm not sure it's the right moment for us to invest time in Bitcoin. Look at Twitter, right? People are spen... |
cracked | the_true_story_behind_may_december_part_1 | Everyone's talking about May-December right now, the Netflix movie starring Julianne Moore, Natalie Portman, and breakout star Charles Melton. But does everyone know the real-life backstory that it's based on? If you were born post-90s, you might not. Natalie Portman's character is studying Julianne Moore's character G... |
SaturdayNightLive | amazon_mother_s_day_ad_for_fifty_shades_of_grey_snl | This Mother's Day, why not show Mom just how special she is by surprising her with one of millions of gifts from Amazon.com.
All right, let's be quiet. Mom has no idea we're bringing her breakfast in bed, Okay? shh, shh, shh.
Which means there's a million ways to give your mother a surprise she'll never forget. Happy... |
dropout | infinity_war_of_infinite_avengers_ch_shorts | Witness the destruction of the universe. Not if we can help it.
Avengers Assemble! Fireman! Thor! Hulk! Black Widow! Hawkeye!
Thanos has all six Infinity Stones and plans to destroy the universe. The only chance we have to defeat him is if all the Avengers come together. And we fight him as one.
My calendar's open. ... |
TheOnion | Google_Engineers_Invent_New_Body_Part_To_Strap_Gadgets_Onto | They started with Google Glass, and now the engineers behind Google have created a new body part to strap gadgets onto. They're calling it the flange, and the new synthetic skinned appendage fits between the shoulder blades into a flat surface capable of holding a wide array of new gadgets for Google to hawk to consume... |
cracked | the_6_people_you_see_at_every_dog_park | The dog park. More like the paw bark. Huh, whatever. Trust me, dogs love that joke. They eat it up. Like grass.
Which, I guess they usually vomit out later. But then they usually eat the vomit. So I think the analogy holds. Anyway, if you've been following crack for a while, you've probably seen my own little puke mun... |
CrackerMilk | shopping_in_2024 | Hey, just to see how I cook. Can I just grab your mobile number for that one? What? For the receipt. Oh, yeah, it's 041...
Like an email. My email?
Yeah, it's Connor...
And like your mother's maiden name. Okay, my mother's maiden name would...
Are you circumcised? Am I what? You're an O positive blood type.
How th... |
SaturdayNightLive | lifetime_s_first_original_game_show_what_s_wrong_with_tanya_snl | You're watching Lifetime Television for women, white women And now from the creators of Lifetime Original movies like what did Becky see and where does Brenda Go? comes the first ever Lifetime Original Game Show. it's time to play. Thank you and welcome to what's wrong with Tanya Game show. Where mothers from Lifetime ... |
TheOnion | Time_Releases_List_Of_Least_Influential_Americans | Time Magazine has released its annual list of America's 299 million least influential people. A new face in the top 10,000 this year is Jim Stutz of Fort Wayne, Indiana. I think it's wonderful. He's finally getting recognition just for not having an effect on anyone.
Stutz, a 47-year-old husband and father of two, cur... |
SaturdayNightLive | rocket_report_santa_claus_snl | And here now, The Rocket Report. Christmas Time, such a wonderful time. Hi, Charles Rocket in New York City. And I can't think of a better place to be at Christmas time. Just take a look. the decorations, the excitement, the shopping, the shoppers, the stores. it's just Christmas Spirit, Magnum. Well, I can't think of ... |
dropout | how_british_butlers_duel_the_britishes_with_will_sasso | How unsanitary. Mr. Fetcher, I've about had it up to here with your condescension, as if you've never dropped anything. I come from a long line of butlers. There hasn't been a drop in my family since my great grandfather. He's been known to drop a fork or two, and his defense is absurdly owed. Let us see which of us is... |
dropout | a_better_kind_of_selfie_stick_friend | Selfie Sticks help you capture perfectly composed pictures without your forearm in the shot. But you always feel self-conscious using one. Well, there's a way to get the perfect picture without looking like a narcissistic loner. It's called a friend. Take pictures confidently and comfortably, knowing that you don't loo... |
Wizards_with_Guns | megachurch_pastors_try_dungeons_and_dragons_g_is_for_jesus | I refuse to worship your false idols!
On this episode of G is for Jesus, Pastor Titus and I delve into the dark and demonic ritual known as D&D in order to investigate and ultimately defeat the armies of Lucifer. Now we have a local dungeon master or black magic practitioner on the program today. Thanks for coming on ... |
dropout | standing_out_in_the_real_world_sponsored | The sky could be any color that you wanted to picture when you're at like a concert and they're using like awesome lights And it's totally getting you into the moment like you could make the sky be your own personal mood ring like however you were feeling the sky could Reflect that I would replace loud things with not ... |
SaturdayNightLive | vinnie_and_joe_saturday_night_live | Well sure, it's almost all over, But the exiting here in New York City, Vin Scully with Joe Garagiola back with you for just a couple of seconds to reflect on the events of the evening, And Joe, what a spot for a first time outing By what you have to believe is a very nervous Bob Yuki. Oh, no doubt about it, Vin. you k... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Inspired_Unemployed_Glayds_Meat_Trays_Boat_shoes_November_27 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. It is the 27th of November, I hope you're all doing well. We're heading towards the pointy end of the season as we mentioned yesterday and there's a lot in the news. My name's C... |
cracked | why_dating_with_depression_is_so_bleeping_hard_people_watching_3 | This is gonna be awesome. I know not only did I find a non crazy guy on a dating site But you're actually real as well Well, you should still scan your entire Twitter history for problematic bullshit and then google your name and quotes along with things like court date And multiple wives and triple homicide. Yep way a... |
CrackerMilk | if_hackers_used_australian_internet | Angela, I know it's been top of the bomb squad, but I need those papers in by yesterday. Hello. Greetings. It's too late. I've already planted North Korea's bomb and it's going to destroy the world. Ta-ta! What's wrong boss? He's got a bomb. He's gonna blow up... ...the world.
Hack into the mainframe.
Oh my god. My p... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_115_John_Williamson_AM | In isolation as listeners we've had a few interesting guests because there's a lot more people with a bit of spare time on their hands to talk to us. We've had Sir Bob Geldof, Malcolm Turnbull, a whole range of different people that wouldn't usually be free to talk and today's guest is one of them as well.
With a care... |
dropout | wish_i_had_a_portal_gun | This I had a portal, wish I wish I had a portal done Wish I had a portal, wish I wish I had a portal done To be an avid to science client would be like a dream Hey yo, my brain has been craving it back since portal gets steamed No commute to work, I'd have a portal expressed With a blue one in my closet, orange one at ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_can_t_think_of_a_good_evil_plan_ | It's horrific, it's diabolical, it's the pure essence of evil! It's what I want them to say when I think of this evil plan. Something evil, something evil. Come on Vermilious, you've done this before. I'm just going to say the first thing that comes to my head and I'm going to see where it goes.
Laser. Falafel.
I mea... |
Wizards_with_Guns | we_watched_jack_black_s_worst_movie_wizards_watch | Hey guys, welcome to another Wizard's Watch! Today we're watching a house with a clock in its walls. The house with a clock in its walls. The house with a clock in a wall.
So close. Suggested by Ben LT. My hands always sweat so much when we do these, I don't know why. Get your hands off. Oh, you're wet! Yeah, I know. ... |
cracked | do_you_have_what_it_takes_to_title_porn | You hear the interview? I'm on my brick. Let me save you some time, newbie. Go home. I had to interview eight times to land this gig, and I can already tell you're not nomenclature material.
What do you mean? You see that photo over there? Who's that?
He's the reason there's an opening. Did he retire? Fat chance. The... |
TheOnion | Crime_Reporter_Links_Warehouse_Fire_To_Depraved_Sex_Act | A warehouse burns to the ground. Police say it was a simple accident, an open and shut case. But was it? Or was this a crime carried out by a pervert turned on by the smell of smoke and the gentle crackle of fire eating through wood? A sexual arsonist. When this Birmingham warehouse went up in flames at 3 a.m. one morn... |
dropout | we_found_sinbad_s_shazaam_genie_movie | What are you doing?
Dad could have thrown out all of Mom's stuff. He just could have. James, there's gotta be something he forgot here.
Something real. We can remember her by. Hey. We have our memories. They're real. No one can take that from us.
Yeah. Clean this up. Can you imagine if Dad saw this mess? Really? Wel... |
dropout | the_science_behind_law_and_order | With the recent cancellation of Law & Order, you may be asking yourself a lot of questions, and even a few queries. What will happen to my favorite characters? Will criminals and rapists run free? Can Sam Waterston finally die?
To understand the future of the Law & Order franchise, we must first explore the complex bi... |
dropout | anti_terrorism_honor_system | In light of recent terrorist threats at our nation's airports, the United States Department of Transportation is installing a new and state-of-the-art security procedure. The Honor System.
Excuse me, sir. Did anybody else pack your bags? Uh, no. Are you a terrorist? No. Really? Yes, really.
Look me in the eye.
Are y... |
cracked | deconstructing_the_most_wtf_clip_in_internet_history_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, welcome to episode Hail Satan of Does Not Compute. I'm your host Morley Safer, and my co-host this week is a guy who sticks bananas on his face and then explodes them. How you doing that guy? So you just get those at a farmer's market or what's the... Speaking of things that burrow into your psyche and h... |
TheOnion | Apple_Introduces_Revolutionary_New_Laptop_With_No_Keyboard | Gilman says the MacBook Wheel has also simplified the organization of files, so searching your hard drive will be a snap. Just press both sides of the wheel concurrently, and center click, and there you have an alphabetical listing of every file on your hard drive. Everything is just a few hundred clicks away.
Apple i... |
SaturdayNightLive | pudge_solomon_old_friends_snl | What you doin', man? what you doin'? what you doin'? what you doin'? it's like the white blood. hey, Bud! come on, what you doin'? man, man. I can feel it. man, you make that beat out of the thing all night long. good to see ya, my friends. what'd ya do? I did good to see my friends. I hope you know your damn friend in... |
dropout | hardly_working_wait | So I guess I guess this is goodbye wait I've never told you this, but ever since the moment. I met you wait Dan I can't let you do this. I'm the one who told the judge that wait Patrick remember that trip we took to Vietnam the baby that we buried wait Jake I knew you'd come back for me Actually, I was talking to Dan J... |
SaturdayNightLive | newsnight_suzanne_looks_awful_saturday_night_live | Welcome back to News Night. I'm Aaron Brown, and how can I put this?
I am better than you. before the break, we're talking about recent U.s. airstrikes on insurgents in Afghanistan. just when we think we're out, they pull us back in. that's from the Godfather Part 3. that couple is best, But I digress. our corresponde... |
cracked | old_review_aka_adult_swim | I think we got it. I think we got it that time. I think that was about as good as it's going to get. I mean, I know we're going to start it. Anyway, we can retire.
This is our final episode. Goodbye, everyone. I hope you enjoyed it.
Welcome to the movie club, the show where we do a book club. But for movies, which ar... |
dropout | Bragging_About_Your_Ignorance | Man, they have been making some good superhero movies lately. How do you feel about Tom Holland and Spider-Man? I've actually never seen any Spider-Man movies. Well, the new ones are great. Tom Holland is so fun.
I can't wait to see what he does next. I'm not even familiar with the characters or the basic plot. I thou... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Errol_Parker_Flies_Solo_Due_to_Mt_Isa_Rodeo | Hello and welcome to the Betooter Advocates Weekly News Bulletin. My name is Errol Parker and joining me here today is nobody. Yes, I'm all alone in the studio today because everyone else has gone to the Mount Isa Rodeo and I drew the shortest straw and I care about animals. So this week I'm going to do something a bit... |
dropout | katie_and_her_boyfriend_talk_relationship_advice_live_part_2 | Oh, the matrix, I'm not ready for the matrix, babe. Babe, I'm not ready.
Oh, we're in, we're in. Hi, guys. Hey, everybody. We're back. Brad's back.
We had some difficulties. So just to go back, can we? Let's go up a little bit. Just to remind you what we're doing, we're doing relationship advice. We're a couple, we'r... |
SaturdayNightLive | gumby_broadway_gumby_rose_snl | Two Corn, maple, and Rinds.
Then there was a time in 1927 that the great Adolf K. Musselman, Theatrical producer extraordinaire, came to me during a curtain call for the show that I had written entitled Waste Coat Willy. And he said to me at that time, Irving, I Need, And before I could let him even finish, I was at t... |
dropout | grant_is_a_huge_klutz_idiot | It's the best time I'm here. You know I'm right.
Yes. Okay. Let's see. Uh. Oh.
Jesus. Spoke my coffee.
Oh boy. Yogurt on my bottom. Paper towels. Nope. I don't know fellas. Oh goodness. Oh boy.
Mondays. Grant, are you okay? Oh yeah. I got it. Let me get this. Grant.
Whoa. What happened? Landed in the yogurt! Yeah,... |
TheOnion | Pentagon_Leaders_Confirm_U_S_Military_Sexual_Assaults_Still_Best_In_World | The CEO of Dollar Tree unveils the long-rumored foil baking pan, a new donor liver complains about the difficulty of working with Lou Reed, and a local couple keeps their marriage together for the sake of no one. Close your eyes and take a deep breath, we'll keep this as quick and painless as possible. This is the Onio... |
dropout | yellderly_young_people_who_complain_like_they_re_old | So, uh, what is this for again? Do you want the $30 or no? Yeah, obviously. Sorry. Shut up. Look at this.
More kale. Hey, remember when salads just had lettuce? Uh, uh, uh, or is lettuce not as chill as kale?
Geez. Hey, well, cut it out, man. Come on.
What is his problem? He's elderly. He's elderly? Young and elderl... |
cracked | arya_stark_kicks_ass_lady_mormont_s_a_bad_ass_ed_sheeran_winter_is_taking_forever_got_recap | Hey everyone, welcome back to winter is taking forever our Game of Thrones recap show. I am Adam Ganser I am Carmen Angelica and we are finally back and not in marine No, when we were watching that map not one weird fucking machine with a pyramid. So it started off pretty great I thought I like first scene. I really di... |
cracked | y_all_remember_birdie_from_mcdonald_s | The only character to be later introduced that would stick was Birdie, the early bird. She arrived in the form of a giant egg that the other mascots seemingly incubated with their body heat overnight until it hatched. Despite being poultry and McDonald's having an iconic poultry item, technically in the form of McNugge... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Peter_Helliar_Iconic_Comedian_Writer_and_Film_Buff | Allow me to take you back to the halcyon days of yore when you were a youngster that could enter a certain style of store that contained hundreds if not thousands of movies available in the form of physical media. I of course am speaking about the wonders of the video store and allow me to welcome you into the last vid... |
cracked | why_a_human_resources_job_is_terrible_even_in_space_galactic_war_room | Okay, time to start the meeting. I wanted to start off by thanking all of you for your recommendations for the new staff position.
Why? You haven't used any of them? It's just that none of them have been exactly the right fit for what we're looking for.
My wreck literally ran a rebellion. Successfully. If anything, h... |
cracked | what_this_professor_says_will_blow_your_mind | Professor Scott Bug is the current Vice Learn Fellow in charge of space at the Cosmolarium of Wiese Shrupshire Brook in London on Hildredge, Utah. Bug got his start in education by walking into classrooms and speaking until escorted out. He has five degrees in remedial advanced and two in just science. Professor Bug re... |
TheOnion | Popular_Children_s_Book_Author_Reveals_The_Spooky_Truth_About_Creepy_Conspiracy_Theories | If you're a parent, chances are you know all about the Spooky Truth books, with subjects ranging from shadowy fraternal organizations to mind-controlling TV shows. Kids can't get enough of this series of short, scary children's novels. And Spooky Truth author K.L. Graves is joining us this morning to talk about his lat... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Arj_Evicting_Babies_Elon_Carrying_On_Taylor_s_New_Album_And_Gilet_Wearing_Ute_ | My name's Clancy Overill, joined by iterate large, Errol Parker, taxpayer and Wendell Hussey. Tax receiver.
I pay a little bit, I pay a couple of thousand dollars a year, not to be sniffed at. How much is your knee going to cost us this time around? The taxpayer. Yep, going back through the public system.
Oh no, my k... |
dropout | drawcast_funtimes | It's kind of sort of a commemoration of the middle of the scene and stuff. So this is live? I believe so. This is live on YouTube right now. Live on YouTube. We are live on YouTube. No one is watching. Absolutely. Is anyone watching? Yeah, you'll start to see comments streaming here.
Yeah. All right. Pretty soon. Peop... |
TheOnion | Biden_Unveils_New_Health_Initiative_To_Make_U_S_Women_Hotter | In an effort to expand on Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to improve the health of the nation's children, Vice President Joe Biden has launched his own fitness program aimed at American women.
Instead of reducing childhood obesity, Biden's program focuses on American women between the ages of 18 and 45, stating t... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_john_ashcroft_saturday_night_live | This week, Attorney General John Ashcroft became the first member of President Bush's cabinet to step down since the election. here to talk about his resignation is John Ashcroft. Thank you Tina. it's been an honor serving as the Attorney General of this great nation. for four years, I've enjoyed widespread popular sup... |
SaturdayNightLive | couple_goals_snl | It's time for couple goals with your host, Bob De Bilgan. All right, welcome to Couple Goals, a game where married couples find out just how well they know each other.
Tonight's show is sponsored by Swiffer Wet Jet. Want to swirl some wet hair around in circles on your bathroom floor? try Swiffer Wet Jet.
All right, ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | if_john_wilkes_booth_ran_for_president | Hi, I'm John Wilkes Booth. You might know me from that big thing I did. Well, I'm doing another big thing.
I'm running for president. You might already be wondering, oh, is he gonna kill the new president if he doesn't win the presidency?
Of course, 100%. I've done it before, and I'll do it again. Other politicians m... |
cracked | 8_great_movies_with_insane_deleted_scenes_cracked_interruptions | It's the new season that would ruin Stinking shit That was a bad mistake No, no, no, no. This is not a good time to argue master. Might I recommend? Far too many of them for that. Oh Yes, all right No, no, no Yeah, I don't know document. It's just this whole thing with my mother I just don't know if I can go through wi... |
cracked | david_dastmalchian_rises_above_late_night_with_the_devil_controversy | The new indie horror Late Night with the Devil is getting a ton of attention, both for impressive early reviews and a bit of controversy for its use of A.I.R. Even though it was just three images used as interstitials in the film, people were none too pleased. Others felt the uproar was a bit much, but one thing everyo... |
dropout | lil_lopez_at_the_school_anti_bullying_assembly | All right, you know me, little Lopez, I want to thank Principal Whitmer for letting me speak at this anti-bullying assembly that I asked if I could speak at. All right, first things first, I want to address the scar on my face. Whatever I want to know, I drew it on myself to get straight cred and I regret nothing. Peac... |
cracked | that_time_british_airways_edited_a_whole_movie_out_of_spite | During the making of 2006's Casino Royale, the studio was looking for an airline to chuck him a few bushels of cash in exchange for some product placement. Contractor, no. I will not bow to any sponsor. They were in talks with both British Airways and Virgin Atlantic, and for some unknown, probably sexy reason, they we... |
TheOnion | National_Dating_Standards_Lowered | This is the Onion News Network, a tomahawk of honesty in the skull of lies. We have some good news for you, fatties and uggos out there. Tucker Hope has more at the Recon wall. Thank you very much, Brooke.
The federal dating agency drastically readjusted national dating standards to a record low this week. The agency ... |
cracked | how_did_we_get_the_often_creepy_always_smiley_ronald_mcdonald_anyways | Ronald McDonald wasn't even created by the McDonald's corporation itself.
His first iteration came about because a Washington DC franchisee made some ads with the local actor who portrayed beloved TV clown, Bozo. Yeah, people genuinely found clowns entertaining back then because the air was thick with leaded gasoline.... |
cracked | why_the_full_house_reboot_will_be_worse_than_you_think | Fuller house Can't wait shan't wait gonna be great for those of you who aren't in the know aren't hip to it Netflix is making a sequel series to full house and it's called fuller house and everyone but Michelle is returning for at least one episode get excited right this is Exciting so get ready to have your come becau... |
cracked | inside_the_lamest_leadership_conference_of_all_time | I just don't understand why you can't say hi to Henry. I always say hi to your puppy every week.
Yeah. And she hates it. Hi puppy! Oh, oh, oh! See, I know. She's a mean lady. Can we pay attention, please? I have a proposition to propose. Leadership camp. Ugh. Yes! No. I just think it behooves us to invest in our teami... |
cracked | where_are_they_now_90s_websites | Here we are, it's gonna be so much fun. Thanks for watching guys, gonna say hi to some people. And I'll say hi back, it'll be great.
Whoa, how? Hey, friendster. Hey. Hi. How have you been? Good.
It's me, shareyourworld.com. I was the very first video sharing site before YouTube.
So, you know. So, have you, have you ... |
ClickHole | learn_attack_what_in_god_s_name_is_going_on_with_planes | Airplanes, the swift camels of the sky. For thousands of years, humanity has gazed at airplanes and wondered how they stay up there.
Are they good or evil? What do they smell like?
Well, get ready to hijack the cockpit of information right now on Learn Attack. Look outside and tell me what you see. Go on, I'll give y... |
cracked | 12_things_that_pissed_me_off_about_larry_king_s_interview | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'll be counting down Larry King's interview of Barbara Walters. Let's see how well Barbara disguises her contempt for Larry.
Her memoir audition is out and it's an instant bestseller. Does that surprise you? It delights me. I don't know very much about publishing, but I hear that it ... |
SaturdayNightLive | iran_so_far_snl_digital_short | They say true love comes only once in a lifetime and even though we're from opposite ends of the earth, my heart tells me you're the one for me, Machmoud.
I remember when it started, saw you on the news, you were hatin'' Gays, I was hatin'' through but I was feelin'' you And even though I disagreed with almost everyth... |
dropout | the_jeggings_gang_gets_pre_torn_jeans | Hello, class. First, let me just say how ecstatic I am that the whole jeggings craze seems to be dead.
Second, fuck you guys. Because this is way, way worse.
What are you talking about? What are you wearing? Denim?
Dude, this is totally classic. New rule.
No jeans that look like somebody did a bad job shoving them ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_adam_sandler_sings_dip_doodle_the_grandma_song_snl | Hey, finally, a guy used to work here, Adam Sandler!
Hey, Adam!
How are you doing, buddy?
Norm, two months ago my grandmother passed away, and I've been thinking a lot about her and what she meant to me, so I sat down, I wrote a song, and even though this song is about my grandmother, in a way I think you'll see it'... |
TheOnion | McCain_Left_On_Campaign_Bus_Overnight | A slight mishap on the campaign trail for John McCain. Staffers confirmed this morning that the 72-year-old senator was accidentally left on his campaign bus overnight after a speech in Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania. Joining us now from the War for the White House Election Analysis bunker with details is Jane Carmichael. G... |
cracked | moments_in_comedy_that_changed_history | Here are five moments in comedy that rocked the world, including a few that shook the comics as well. Starting in 1964 when Lenny Bruce went to jail, comedians who complained they can't say anything anymore, this is what cancel culture really looked like. Bruce got himself banned from clubs and entire cities for bits t... |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_drug_deals_went_before_gps | Who are you? You're not the spider? No, I'm the gecko. I think I met the wrong drug deal. What?
It was supposed to be in the middle of nowhere. This is the edge of nowhere.
Ah, shoot! Okay, well, I have drugs if you still want to... I have drugs too. Okay, uh, what kind? Cause I got... Heroin. Shit. Cool. Wait, so if... |
dropout | my_box_of_bullsh_t_came | Man, oh man, oh man, oh man, it finally came! What did you get? It's Box of Bullshit! Oh, you know, I heard about this on, um, every podcast. Oh, yeah, it's great. For only $20 a month, they send you a mystery crate full of garbage you don't need. What did you get this month? Oh, man! So much unnecessary trash!
Look, ... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_the_bachelor | Welcome back to Bleak Glue, I am Jeff Rubin, joined by Adam Conover and my co-host Pat Cassels. This week we are playing what I believe to be the shittiest video game released since we last made one of these, The Bachelor, the video game for the wave. We're backstage here at Fashion Week in Los Angeles, and today, you'... |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_society | Elinor. What's going on?
Patrick Elinor Castles, you have been tapped. He is tapped. He is among the chosen. Tapped? What do you mean tapped?
You have been selected from among thousands to be given a great gift. The gift is given to those who are worthy, Patrick Elinor Castles. Who are these people, Phantom? They are... |
dropout | prank_news_all_star_edition | Hi, we're here in New York City today, the site of this year's All-Star Game and upcoming Fashion Week to prove that people will believe anything you say if you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone.
In an effort to avoid a deflated ball situation, the league is going to be over-inflating the balls. Do you ... |
SaturdayNightLive | elton_john_statement_saturday_night_live | Last week, Elton John swore at reporters in Taiwan who mobbed him at the airport, calling them rude, vile pigs. Here to explain his actions is our old friend, Sir Elton John. hello, Tina. where's my Jimmy Boy?
Well, he's gone.
Amy's here now. you're not really my cup of tea, dear. if you know what I mean. because you... |
cracked | explaining_all_the_saw_movies_saw_i_spiral | Hello, Jordan. I want to play a game.
The TV in front of you will play the entire Saw Octology back-to-back. Watch them closely and provide detailed story recaps.
Fail to do so and you'll never be fell. Live or die. The choice is yours. Alright, fine.
The first movie opens with two men waking up in what appears to b... |
SaturdayNightLive | vinny_talks_to_robert_de_niro_saturday_night_live | So on to questions. everyone has a Robert De Niro impression. yeah, everyone seems to have one. Do yours. To my What? do your Robert De Niro impression, eh? I guess. Hello, I'm Robert De Niro. eh, he is not so good, Now. hey, show him. Alright. hey. I'm Robert De Niro. hey, hey, hey. hey, hey, hey, that's Robert De Nir... |
cracked | the_game_show_about_weird_facts_behind_real_pictures_pictofacts | It's 2022, I'm black, y'all are white, and if y'all, if I'm wrong, y'all are racist. I'm also black. So we're both right, you're wrong.
And this is our, this is our show now. You're a good dancer. Welcome to PictoFacts, the game show. I'm Jesse Eiseman. I put together a whole bunch of image-based trivia games, and the... |
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