section stringclasses 14
values | filename stringlengths 3 100 | text stringlengths 77 235k |
|---|---|---|
cracked | the_gangster_movie_in_home_alone_was_fake | How could any of us forget the fake gangster movie from Home Alone? Keep the change, you filthy animal! If you're watching this and you're like, fake, what? It's fake? Don't worry, you're not alone. And the film crew did a really good job of making it look super convincing. In fact, it took a ton of effort to make this... |
dropout | the_world_s_worst_and_second_worst_surgeons | Ahhh! Gertrude, the pain, it's getting worse!
Take her dear, the doctor will be here directly. You see, there he is. All is well, my darling. Dr. Fitzgerald, at your service.
I came as swiftly as I could. It is pissing outside. Oh, Doctor, there's a sharp pain in my abdomen. I feel like a regular William McKinley. To... |
dropout | collegehumor_s_airhead_moments | I was 12 or 13 or basically too old for something like this to happen in the first place but I was at the Ulster County Fair. There was a hall of mirrors there. Some of the mirrors were sort of like semi-translucent so you could see like you could see the people waiting in line and they could see you and it's fun becau... |
SaturdayNightLive | whiskers_r_we_with_billie_eilish_snl | Cats. a cat is a gift you have to feed. a cat is a friend who's very mad at you. a cat is a pet that has razors for fingers. a cat is a dog that's a bitch. So come on down to Whiskers. Are we for our holiday? Catacular.
Hi, I'm Barbara Dedureau, and I'm over the moon to introduce my brand-new intern. Hi, I'm Aubrey He... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_coldstone_creamery_gamecreamery | Hi, I'm Jeff Rubin, and you're watching BLEEP Scoop. I'm here this week with Jon Gabris, Pat Castle's Dan Klein, and we are playing Cold Stone Creamery Scoop It Up.
If it was a game about dog shit, it could have the same song. I hope when we restart for the game, it's like, there's been a brutal murder and a cold sun,... |
cracked | the_4_martial_arts_movies_we_can_t_live_without_cracked_staff_picks_movie_debate | I got high and watched the raids and to this day is the last time I intentionally got high. These movies were so viscerally intense to me that I was like it ended by like I'm high for all of my 20s. This is not a chill movie. This is just a show about what I'm scared of when I'm high.
Welcome back to Staff Picks, the ... |
TheOnion | perfect_one_pot_six_pan_10_wok_25_baking_sheet_dinner | I just love those weeknights when my busy family can still have dinner together. Here's a simple recipe that's hearty and delicious. And best of all, it can be made in just one pot, six pans, ten woks, and 25 baking sheets. Now the beauty of this recipe is all you need to get started is an eight quart pot.
First, we'r... |
cracked | 1_18_08_news_on_cracked_week_in_douchebaggery_on_a_budget | It's Friday, January 18th, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and that's a Blumkin' Go! We're once again broadcasting from this world-class holiday inn. I have a plane to catch, so let's get down to business. Oh, and before I forget, my one-year-old Anya likes when I do this part. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bu... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_214_Tom_Tilley | What's going on, Errol? You're enjoying this run we've had of not interviewing anyone involved in federal politics?
Yeah, but one thing that's really been bugging me as of late is that I can't really get too much work done because of my commitments to the SCS, you know, with these big floods coming down the Diamantina... |
cracked | if_einstein_is_so_smart_then_why_did_he_die_quorators_podcast | So there's a few things we're not going to be doing this episode. And that is having a sword, mentioning that I took a huge dump in the cracked office and then the plumbing wasn't working and it's just back there. And no one has told anybody about it. Involve the sword in trying to fix that toilet situation. There is j... |
dropout | the_roast_of_weed | Seriously, Weed, if it wasn't for you, I'd never learn how many desserts I could fit into one bowl. The answer is five in a burrito.
Hey, Meth's also here. You know what the cool thing about Meth is? That you can make it anywhere. Except in a nice neighborhood with good schools. Let's not be too hard on Meth. He's the... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sketch_rewind_with_bowen_yang_bowen_s_straight | Oh My. God. We're here to watch Bowen's Straight. So here's Heidi and a Go just writing with the Sydney sweetie, I have like an itsy-bitsy crush on someone here, I think let me pick it. No, that's for the heads. that's for the Lenny heads. Yes. y'all are giving girl dumbass.
I don't know. he's just so funny and he's s... |
TheOnion | O_SPAN_Classic_CIA_Accidentally_Overthrows_Costa_Rica | One final item, I've been informed that the CIA has accidentally overthrown the government of Costa Rica. The country was a thriving democracy, therefore the CIA intervention was a small mistake. For those of you who are interested in the details, over the past several days, clandestine American agents had been overthr... |
dropout | if_the_10_commandments_were_written_today | Ugh, $9 for a latte and a muffin? Is that guy seriously vaping inside? Oh, M.G., the Wi-Fi is so slow. What is wrong with the world? What's up? I'm sick!
You know it. Where have you been? You look so lumber chic. I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail for the past 40 days, but I heard the voice of God. He gave me these... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bobby_moynihan_on_youtube_snl | That's only 4%. Youtube recently announced that it would venture into the movie rental business, offering downloadable films for a small fee.
Here to comment is Weekend Update New Media Correspondent Bobby Moynihan. Hey! good to have you here, Bobby. what up, Seth? how are you, man? Good, good.
Okay. So, I've been re... |
SaturdayNightLive | massa_exit_interview_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | On March 5, 2010, New York Congressman Eric Massa resigned from office. First, he said he was sick. then he said his fellow Congressmen were railroading him because of his stance on health care. Then he blamed the toxic atmosphere of Washington, D.c. sort of a catch-all excuse.
Then he admitted to groping and tickling... |
SaturdayNightLive | pedro_pascal_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Pedro Pascale! thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I'm so excited to be here. I, uh, thank you.
I, uh, I spent the last year shooting a show called the Last of Us on Hbo. for some Hbo shows, you get to shoot in a five-star Italian resort surrounded by beautiful people, But I said, no, that... |
dropout | hardly_working_name_droppers | Okay, David, I am not saying that you're making it up, I'm just skeptical. Hey guys, what's going on? Pat, get this, Emily doesn't think cartwheels are an actual thing. Okay, like, it's a cartwheel. Like what? It's a flip, but it's sideways?
But yeah, it's actually totally crazy that you guys are talking about that be... |
dropout | the_opposite_of_a_wing_man | I think I'm going to ask Cynthia out. Dude, you totally should. I'll be your wingman. I'll be your albatross man. What? Well, you know how a wingman only talks about your best traits to make you seem like you're not vain? Sure. I'm going to be the albatross around your neck that only talks about your worst features and... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_146_Pastor_Jon_Owen_Wayside_Chapel | Always good to be back in the studio mate, how are you today? I'm good, I'm good.
Would you still call these times uncertain, would you still call it uncertain times we're living in? Yeah they are always uncertain I think, especially you know with this cough going around but I think things are getting back to normal a... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_16_8_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | First up and in national news, the Great Barrier Reef Foundation have revealed what they're going to be doing with the $444 million grant that they've been given. After receiving the largest ever not-for-profit grant in the history of the nation, the Six Employees Strong organisation has grand plans to spend nearly hal... |
dropout | the_true_meaning_of_christmas_hardly_working | As the night drew to a close, Grant was very, very down. Jack Frost was closing in, and he had yet to crack the Christmas code.
Whoa, whoa, too much nog! Ugh, Grant, what's wrong? Ugh!
I've been trying all day, and I still haven't figured out the true meaning of Christmas. I have a tip for you. Christmas starts with ... |
dropout | the_app_that_does_everything_poorly | How many times have you said, I like Instagram, but I wish it was more like Snapchat?
Never. No one wanted that.
Or, I love Uber, but I wish it would deliver me food.
No, why would you do that? Or, what if Facebook was YouTube? Stop. Well, now you can have all that and more with Omni, the app that is literally every... |
dropout | freaky_scientists_who_experimented_on_themselves | and this machine lets you travel through time but only to relive your own worst mistakes River is there something you wanted to add we're not real we're just drawing Jesus she's all drugged up again okay what were you even on some drugs yeah what kind I don't know whatever was in the dumpster this morning what kind of ... |
SaturdayNightLive | saddam_hussein_lookalikes_saturday_night_live | Saddam Hussein must disarm himself or, for the sake of peace, we will lead a coalition to disarm him. These guys get the real red ass for me. you said that, boss. they're mad because you're jerking around the guys from the Un. I've been doing that for over four years. Why do they get all mad now? their American economy... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_20_12_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Battuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 G'day, you're listening to the Weekly Battuta News Wrap. Thanks for tuning in. We're coming to you live from Koala Mattress Studios in downtown Battuta, and my name is Bruce Hitchcock. Joining me today to wrap up all the biggest stories f... |
SaturdayNightLive | father_of_the_bride_snl | This is our home. 24 Maple Drive. we bought it when Annie was in grammar school. she even got married here. so many memories. Is that my beautiful daughter? Guess what? I'm engaged again father of the bride. Parking? That's right. Three decades and seven divorces later, Annie's back and ready to give marriage an eighth... |
TheOnion | Congress_Debates_Elaborate_Dance_For_Obama_s_Inauguration | The chair recognizes Congressman Cummings. You have three minutes.
My fellow members of the Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, a new president taking office always brings great change. And this change must be marked with an appropriate dance. At this time, I'd like to present proposed Rider 4831B, which would append t... |
dropout | the_planet_of_horny_tech_support | So this is where the I.T. department is? Yes, and not just for the interstellar legion. The router planet Y5489 is the source of internet for hundreds of thousands of systems. Wait, if this is Y5489, what was that? That's router planet Y5489 5G.
Got it. So it's like, kinda the same. Like, maybe a little faster? Should... |
dropout | how_hot_people_ruin_your_night | I was supposed to drink the coins, right? Maybe. Oh, god damn it.
A bunch of good looking people just walked in.
Why is that a problem? Is it because you're gonna be self-conscious about your looks? Is it because they're bad at conversation because they never had to learn? Ooh, they remind you of unobtainable social ... |
TheOnion | Web_Series_Reaches_100_Views | Next up, Nicolas Cage's life comes to a tragic middle, but first it's the video sensation that's taking the internet by storm. A web series on YouTube passed the 100 views mark this week. Titled Andrew and John, the wildly popular webisodes feature roommates Andrew Vanier and John Haney playing fictionalized versions o... |
cracked | why_the_big_bang_theory_is_secretly_about_the_apocalypse | Here's the entire history of our universe in 18 seconds. They don't call that show the Big Bang Theory because America loves sitcoms named after physical cosmology.
They call it that because it's more than a comedy. Or less than a comedy. You've seen YouTube, right?
We're just going to hide out in here to avoid the s... |
TheOnion | RNC_Speech_If_We_Don_t_Elect_Trump_Our_Enemies_Will | When people ask me why I think Trump will be the greatest leader America's ever had, I tell them to imagine how scared America's enemies will be when we elect Donald Trump. Would you want to face off against Trump? Think about it. If the shoe was on the other foot, and he was a leader of Iran or Syria or China, Donald ... |
SaturdayNightLive | eternal_spark_of_love_froyo_snl | Hey, hey, aren't you in French class with my brother? um, who's your brother? John? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. What's your name? Stephen. Oh, my name's Kendra. Oh that's a nice name.
Oh yeah, making connections is a wonderful thing. It's what makes the world go round and round. It can happen at the Eiffel Tower. It can ha... |
dropout | most_insane_vo_booth_ever_fatter | Hey pal, good to have you back. Hey guys. Say hi Mars. Hi.
Let's just jump right into it. You ready?
Three, two, one.
Try the all new ganjo sammy. Two meat patties piled high on jalapeno cheddar bread. Only a ganjo's. Alright, that was pretty good Josh. We just really want to hear how delicious that sandwich is, rig... |
dropout | can_i_give_you_a_ticket_with_anna_torv | License and registration, please. What's the problem, officer?
The problem, sir, is that you were speeding. No, I wasn't. I clocked you doing 80 and a 65. There's no way. I have my cruise control set to 70. It's impossible. Are you sure that you weren't speeding? What? Well, I was paying super close attention, and it ... |
TheOnion | Hobby_Lobby_Announces_It_Muslim_Now | Hobby Lobby has announced that it's Muslim now. The arts and crafts chain, once known for its long affiliation with evangelical Christianity, will be adopting the word of the Quran and require employees to pray five times a day. Hobby Lobby CEO David Green also announced that the chain's nearly 1,000 stores would all b... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Peter_Garrett_Part_2 | Now this is part two of the Batutah Advocates interview with Peter Garrett, former front man of Midnight Oil, former cabinet minister of the Kevin Rudd, Julie Gillard era Labour Party federal government. He's a very interesting man, he's had a very interesting career and he's still doing lots of things which we're talk... |
cracked | if_pixar_was_honest_why_every_character_has_a_huge_dumper_disney_pixar_parody_sketch_comedy | Thank you all so much for being here today. Your input on the character design for the upcoming Pixar films is invaluable. The suggestions you make today could live on forever in timeless family classics like Monsters Inc. or Toy Story.
All right, first up we have Durango the Dragon. He is a fun-loving klutz who hasn'... |
dropout | Four_Ways_to_Actually_Declutter_Your_Home | Hi there, you know, if you're like most people, you struggle in a constant fight against messes. You've tried the KonMari method, but even that didn't magically change your life. Don't give up, you too can have a space as clean and beautiful as this.
Here's what it used to look like. But now, it's spotless. How? We mo... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_199_Adam_Bandt_MP | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, The Tutor Advocate's new podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. It is the last week of February and time is running out for Sco... |
cracked | scott_bug_q_a_how_to_tell_time_in_three_minutes_or_less | Um, Professor, what's that thing? Excellent question. You get a A. This little fella is called an abacus, right? It's named after a very heavy bird, but it literally means clock. We use it to tell time.
Now, I can show you real quick how to do it, it's very simple. All we need to do is first understand very simple mat... |
TheOnion | Semi_Literate_Former_Gold_Prospector_Given_Own_Cable_News_Show | Jode Kressbeckler, from claim jumpers to politicians to coyotes, the straight shooter that shook up the 2008 presidential race is taking them all on and licking them good. Hey Trespassers, this here is Jode Kressbeckler and this is the Kressbeckler stance.
The sun's beating down, won't be for long, so let's hit the pi... |
SaturdayNightLive | first_presidential_debate_al_gore_and_george_w_bush_snl | The following is an Nbc Election special live from the Clark Athletic Center at the University of Massachusetts. The first Presidential Debate. Here's Moderator Jim Lehrer. Good evening. I'm Jim Lehrer. Welcome to this the first of three Presidential debates between Texas Governor George W. Bush and Vice President Al G... |
dropout | how_uber_rides_are_like_first_dates | Siobhan, what's wrong? Oh, no, it's nothing. It's just... Ugh. God, what if we have nothing to talk about? Are you kidding? You'll have tons to talk about. I'm just so bad in these kinds of situations.
You're going to be fine. Everyone loves you, I'm sure... Lance. I'm sure Lance will too.
Look, I know this is... Stu... |
dropout | Stop_Trying_to_Punch_My_Balls | Hello, and welcome to the College Humor Podcast, a little dance from all of us for you. This is so silent. This is for the dropout viewers that are wanting to watch us, not listen to us.
No, you have to watch us to see what just happened. It was crazy. It's actually going to up and down. And if you're watching us on Y... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_album_recording_session_snl | What's up, y'all? My name is Young Spicy, and I'm a producer. I'm about to release my first album, Jalapeno Jones. Yeah, thanks for helping us out today. How You doing? Hey, what's good, Spicy? Hey, So, basically, we just looking for a new producer tag for my beat, so something kind of sexy and cool. Yeah, so, for exam... |
ClickHole | what_does_it_mean_to_be_a_man | Men are supposed to be stoic, quiet, strong. Nothing's supposed to get to us. From a young age, we're all told that you have to be tough, like Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan or Yao Ming or General Tso or Confucius. When you're a real man, you can't hold hands or cry. You can't read books about anything except monster trucks.... |
cracked | that_time_donkey_kong_almost_had_a_shotgun_canonball | Ah, Donkey Kong, everyone's favorite reformed kidnapper. And look at that carefully rendered monkey butt crack. Now, that's what gets you the Nintendo seal of quality right there. You might've first met the famous ape when he was playing Princess Keepaway from Jumpman, later called Mario, later called by people with my... |
dropout | other_donald_trumps_throughout_history_adam_ruins_everything | Old Orange Julius Caesar here. To a lot of us, he sure seems like something genuinely new in American politics. For one thing, he's made our political discourse far, far nastier. This is not going to be an election based on a nice person. We're tired of the nice people. You have this clown, Marco Rubio.
He's a pussy. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | mister_robinson_s_neighborhood_babies_snl | Today for a neighbor, would you be mine? Could you be mine? I spent the afternoon making a brand new friend for life. too bad that I was making it with the landlord wife. It's nice to be out with a friend who won't tell what we've been doing in local motels. Will you be mine? I'm glad she is my neighbor.
Hello, boys a... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_La_La_Land | It's pretty strange that we keep running into each other. It is strange. Maybe it means something.
I doubt it. Yeah, I don't think so.
Where's my car?
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at La La Land, a romantic comedy-drama starring Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone that only b... |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_gotta_mop_these_floors_ | Oh I'll never make varsity if I keep breaking shots like this. Come on, Kyler. It just takes practice Keep going If I don't make the team my girlfriend's gonna ground me and I can't take my dad to prom You're not bending your elbows enough Huh? You gotta get your feet right And then follow through Whoa, did you play fo... |
cracked | 5_things_the_worst_people_in_the_world_love_doing_in_public | Okay, look, there are over seven billion people on Earth, and all of us, with the exception of some sea captains and all of the short straw citizens of North Dakota, are crammed together into the relatively tiny area of inhabitable space on this ball. And it's crowded, and it's uncomfortable, and it's very, very easy t... |
dropout | zordon_is_a_racist | Teenagers with attitude, I have summoned you here to battle a great evil, but be not afraid, I see great potential in all of you. Will, within you I see great strength and durability, for that I endow you with the power of the mighty Mastodon. I won't let you down, Zordon. Jen, your cat-like agility can be attributed t... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_first_amazon_union_formed_jen_psaki_to_leave_white_house_snl | Current Secretary Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House this spring to join Msnbc. damn, she's still at work and already has her next job lined up. that's as crazy as some of the sketches on season two of that Damn Michael Che. This summer on Hbo Max. workers at the Amazon Warehouse in Staten Island voted to ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Tuesday_24rd_March | Hello and welcome to the Petuda Advocates Daily News Bulletin. My name is Wendell Hussey and I've got all the latest in local, national and international news from the last 24 hours. If you didn't catch us yesterday as a result of the COVID-19 crisis we'll be broadcasting a news wrap at the end of every working day on ... |
dropout | batman_has_a_drinking_problem | That nefarious nave's left us a riddle.
In a place filled with green, I will cause a scene. Batman! Green! Money's green!
Do you think? Slow down there, chum. With a riddle or nothing's that simple.
Green is often associated with the Irish. And what's the most Irish place in town?
I'm not sure. Precisely! O'Malley'... |
dropout | hardly_working_learon_in_america | Laron in America This, this, this Okay, Cleveland, you rolling? We're rolling. Cleveland, ready? And, auction. Alright, so what are you hoping to learn, I guess, from us and for your blog? It's for music, it's for like, edge, and it's for like, you know, how, in America, like, how intense, you know, cause for friendshi... |
TheOnion | Press_Secretary_s_Zumtrel_Flooby_Answer_Attempt_To_Evade_Question | After that, the president met with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to discuss the upcoming Medicare reform bill, which as you know is going to be voted on next month. I'll take questions now. Can we count on the president's support in the Medicare reform bill, considering that it's going to de-emphasize the involveme... |
TheOnion | beyonce_unhurt_after_stray_bullet_hits_passerby | A tragedy averted today in Hollywood. Chart-topping singer and Dreamgirls star Beyonce Knowles was walking down this stretch of sidewalk in Los Angeles yesterday when a stray shot from a nearby confrontation ricocheted down the block. Beyonce would almost certainly have been struck in the arm or shoulder, but as luck w... |
SaturdayNightLive | aa_meeting_snl | And that's when I looked in the mirror and I didn't even see myself anymore. I saw a guy who steals from his own mother for another bottle of booze, but I'm grateful for 90 days with no drink. Thank you so much, Spencer.
All right, who else would like to share? Now, Jesse, how about you? you've been coming for a while... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Blockbuster_Knockoffs | Today we're going to be talking about blockbuster knockoffs. What is a blockbuster knockoff?
It's when this leads to this. This must be like what they drink on their own planet. I'm guessing that you guys recognized the first clip. It's from a film called E.T. by a filmmaker named Steven Spielberg. You perhaps did not... |
cracked | mortal_kombat_x_cracked_plays | Well, what I'm asking is if the last one was a reboot, and yet this is Mortal Kombat 10. Right, right, right. The last one was... No, there has been nine in between the last one. There have been ten total. Okay. Ten total in the official line of the game.
So they have no idea how to title things. There were like some ... |
dropout | why_your_airbnb_may_be_illegal_adam_ruins_everything | Hey there, welcome to my Airbnb, my name is Zane Allen, right? Actually it's Adam. Weird. Never heard that name before.
Let me show you around. There's the bathroom. I provide everything except toilet paper. Before toilet paper, some Americans used corn cobs. Okay, over here I have a ton of DVDs, so I hope you brought... |
dropout | first_person_shooter_trial | I now call to order the court-martial of Galactic Marine Sergeant Jack Granite, a.k.a. Player One. Disobeying orders, misuse of military hardware, and endangering your fellow soldier. While this conduct is hardly befitting a hero of a first-person shooter, your plea? I hate escort missions.
Not guilty, Your Honor. My ... |
TheOnion | Should_We_Exercise_That_Much_If_The_Body_Is_Built_For_Short_Bursts_Between_Sitting_And_Lying_Down | It seems like we're constantly hearing different fitness advice. Exercise two to three times a week for at least 30 minutes a day. And don't forget cardio, but don't exercise too much or you'll get hurt. So, how much exercise should you be getting? Well, actually not that much, since the human body is only built to wit... |
TheOnion | Sex_House_Meet_The_Nymphos_Ep_1 | Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This is Sex House. Welcome to Sex House!
What up? Hello?
Check out this place! My name's Jay, I'm from Gainesville, Florida and I'm not leaving the Sex House till I... Uh oh! What the fuck? Holy fuck I'm Alex and I am not afraid to explore my sexua... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Kick_Gurry | This is going to be a bit of a gear change, a refreshing gear change from our last couple of guests. We've had a pretty big run of Aboriginal activists and footballers in the wake of what looks to be a very, very black news cycle in the Indigenous Voice Referendum and the Koori Knockout of course, which took place last... |
SaturdayNightLive | dissing_your_dog_snl | I'm Bill Sturdivant. I've been raising dogs since I was six, and nothing has brought me more joy or more sheer frustration than training a puppy. with a very young pup, correcting problem behavior can be especially maddening. And like you, I've probably tried all the tricks. screaming myself hoarse, starving them, lock... |
TheOnion | 6_Year_Old_Explains_How_Messed_Up_It_Is_That_Her_Entire_Life_Has_Been_Put_On_Facebook | My mom and dad loved to take pictures and own videos. It always seemed nice and totally normal. But I was taken advantage of. My entire life. All of it. Ever since I was a baby husband playing on Facebook. And it's completely messed up. I thought they wanted to save the memories for a scrapbook. It wasn't until it was ... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_shawshank_redemption | The Shawshank Redemption It's everyone's favorite movie about Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman eventually going to the beach, but it's also loaded with little known trivia and fascinating behind the scenes stories that will change the way you watch The Shawshank Redemption forever. Stephen King was inspired to write the ... |
dropout | hardly_working_sensual_harassment_with_amy_schumer | Hey, uh, I think I'm supposed to be in here. Are you Amy from HR? Have a seat Adam There's no easy way to say this But we've received several complaints from your co-workers that you've made them feel sensually harassed Sensually what wait, what is that like sexually harassed?
No, not at all. It's way worse I think yo... |
dropout | the_last_supper_at_a_chain_restaurant | Blessed be this day, for we are met as brothers, and yet I say to you, one of you will betray me. One of you who eats with me. One of my twelve...
Wait. Okay, wait, who are you? Howdy y'all! I'm Steve, actually, your waiter.
Welcome to Wacky Jack's Rodeo Barn and Grill.
What can I do you for? Uh, we're actually stil... |
dropout | prank_war_6_the_infamous_yankee_prankee | Bats the crowd of 57,545 and they're all going to be here tonight to watch Streeter propose to his girlfriend. The only thing is Streeter doesn't know that yet. I'll explain more when we get inside. Alright, right now we're sitting in the bleachers. Streeter and Sharon are going to come and they're going to be sitting ... |
SaturdayNightLive | andy_s_excuse_saturday_night_live | Kevin, you wanted to see me? Yeah. what in the heck is going on? you're already in. I mean, what's going on with you, buddy? you were late. how can you be late for a live show? it's completely unprofessional.
Look, I'm really sorry, but I can explain. Oh, save it. I'm not buying it.
I was in a cab on the way to the s... |
cracked | 4_movie_curses_with_unexpected_upsides_after_hours | Look, we don't have to get into a thing. Look around you, Soren. We are in a thing. This is us, in a thing.
Do you think she heard me say no raisins? She didn't write it down. What are we talking about?
Sixth Sense. I'm allergic to raisins. Oh. Specifically, how the curse that the kid has in the film, The Sixth Sense... |
cracked | worst_first_day_ever_agents_of_cracked_episode_1 | Hey everyone and welcome to the Cracked Tyrion collection of Agents of Cracked season one presented for the first time in such High definition that if you look carefully you can see Dan's penis in every shot of the season Even the ones he's not in so look forward to that and hey stay tuned at the end for some little An... |
ClickHole | if_you_re_choking_you_need_to_watch_this | Hello, I'm Dr. James Stafford Bell.
We both know why you're watching this video. You're choking and you need help. It's a hard place to be in, but you are not alone. By watching this video, I want to give you the confidence to overcome whatever obstacles are currently standing in your way. Let's start with a simple ex... |
TheOnion | Nation_Somehow_Failed_To_Predict_Attack_By_Michael_Bay | This is the Onion News Network a tomahawk of honesty in the skull of lies In the fact zone a little later on we'll be looking at the medical breakthrough that will allow families to keep their old blind Arthritic pets alive for years longer, but right now, California is still reeling from last week's attack on Los Ange... |
TheOnion | Anthony_Weiner_Announces_Bid_For_Whatever_s_Left | John Kerry costs the U.S. defense industry $400 billion, Apple unveils a panicked man with no ideas, and a stop sign is taking forever to change. Try your best to hold yourself together during this video, okay pal? This is The Onion Week in Review.
Shortly after conceding his defeat from New York City's mayoral race t... |
cracked | 6_real_bible_verses_we_re_hoping_god_gives_us_a_pass_on_michael_swaim_goes_medieval | Well, hello boys and girls and Enbies. It's me, your old pal Michael Swain. Remember? We used to hang out together, much like Steve from Blue's Clues. Well, I just wanted to let you know that I haven't thought about you for even a second since the last time we saw one another. Nevertheless, a small stipend and a solid ... |
TheOnion | Report_95_Of_Grandfathers_Got_Job_By_Walking_Right_Up_And_Just_Asking | And I walked right up to the owner and slammed my fist on the desk and said I'm your man This is William Chambers now a retired insurance salesman chambers is just one of over 95% of grandfathers who according to a new report from the Center of Business Intelligence Secured their first and only job by walking right up ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_13_9_18_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Now the news this week, Tony Abbott is still making headlines Del. Yeah Bruce he is, Uncle Tony, as he's begun to be commonly referred to now, has made news this week by leading a protest against a coal seam gas fracking operation on the Manly Dam. He really is a changed man isn't he? Yeah he certainly is, chanting, al... |
SaturdayNightLive | reagan_brand_economics_saturday_night_live | Oh, dear. more rat tail gumbo, darling? Oh, come on. on this slop again? Why can't we have some real food on the table?
Harry, you haven't had a job in six months. Oh, look, I can't take this anymore. everything we work for has been wiped out. Hey, hold on, Harry.
Why so tense? Oh, hi, President Reagan. well, relax. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | clinton_and_putin_cold_open_saturday_night_live | Are you going to help? the movers are waiting on me. could you get up off your fat ass and help me pack these boxes? You know, Hillary, I would have helped you yesterday, but I had those peace talks in West Virginia. but I guess you movin'' is more important than peace for Syria. Well, can you help me now? I wish I cou... |
cracked | why_metroid_makes_no_damn_sense_escort_missions | Dude, do you interact with a single other person in this game or is it just space jellyfish? They're called metroids. Here. See?
I can just scan it. Now I know what they are, what they do, what their weak points are. I can scan anything. I can scan that pipe, but I don't want to.
So you're like a scientist tagging Ga... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Big_Promise_A_Super_Plan_Labor_Hard_At_Work_More_May_20 | Hello and welcome to the Betuda Weekly News Bulletin, I'm Wendell Hussey introducing the bulletin today. You'll notice there is no Clancy overall. Errol Parker's not here either, it is myself and Effie Bateman jumping into the booth the day before the federal election to wrap up what has been happening over the last fe... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Some_Baby_Steps_A_Truck_Driver_Gets_Political_A_Dark_Decision_More_September_2 | Hello and welcome back to another Battuta Advocate weekly bulletin, my favourite. And with me this week, well I'm Errol Parker if this is the first one you've listened to, I'm the editor-at-large of the Battuta Advocate. And with me today is Effie Bateman. Hey, how are you doing? Good, good, yeah, no, it's just us this... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_amy_fisher_saturday_night_live | And here with us now, just released from prison, the Long Island Lolita herself, Amy Fisher. Colin, Wow, it is so great to be out. I Mean, you don't know how good it feels to finally put on my old cutoffs and see through halter top and stroll around the neighborhood like a regular person. I Mean, some of you may know t... |
dropout | don_t_make_me_hold_your_baby | Here he is! Here, why don't you hold him, Gary? Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah, don't be shy. Please don't make me hold your... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm gonna fuck this up. Look at Gary with the baby.
It's moving. Is it supposed to be moving?
Why did you do this to me? I gotta get a picture of t... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_10_things_i_hate_about_you | ["I love you baby, and if it's quite alright, I need you baby, to warm a lonely night, I love you baby, trust in me when I say..." 10 Things I Hate About You. Gill Younger's classic 90's rom-com about how to coerce a marching band into doing your bidding. Here's some fun facts that will change the way you watch 10 Thin... |
SaturdayNightLive | kate_mckinnon_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Kate Mckinnon. thank you for coming. I know it's cold. my name's Kate. Hi.
I used to work here, and now I'm back at my old job. This is weird. it's so weird to be doing the monologue. I don't really like to talk in my own voice. that's kind of why I got into this racket in the first place. Ever s... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_michele_bachmann_on_her_campaign_ending_snl | After a sixth-place finish in Tuesday's Iowa Caucus, Michelle Bachman announced that she was dropping out of the race here. Now to comment on her campaign, Michelle Bachman.
So, Congresswoman, how do you feel now that it's over? Seth, While I'm disappointed that my campaign has come to a close, I am also looking forwa... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_The_2023_NRL_Soap_Opera_with_Willie_Mason_Scope | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, you've got both editors here, Clancy and Errol this week and we're excited by the podcast we have for you today because we've got what we now view as the ultimate au... |
SaturdayNightLive | clint_eastwood_for_chrysler_part_2_snl | Clocks winding Down, America. it's the fourth quarter, and there's no timeouts left. how do I know? my pants get higher every quarter. if it's the fourth quarter in America, that means it's overtime in China, and they've got a billion people on their team. Plus, they own half our stadium. how'd they get so far ahead? B... |
dropout | Wine_Experts_Taste_Dogshit_Wine | I'm Grant, and I drink wine with dinner. My name is Ted, and I am a sommelier. My name is Michel, and I am a master somm.
Yeah. Okay.
Next. You eat some kind of red wine? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Oh.
You got it. Hey. Oh, I'm good at this. Wonderful. Thank you. Okay. Let's see. Two for two.
Definitely an earthy aroma. This... |
dropout | yes_or_no_game_show_with_regis_philbin | Welcome back everybody, I'm here with Patrick. He's an optometrist's assistant from Duluth. So Patrick, how do you feel right now?
Excited, really prepared. Well then let's play!
Your first question, for $100. Yes or no? No. That's right, that's right, good for you. $200 Patrick, yes or no? No. You've got it again. D... |
cracked | unboxing_a_drone_with_michael_swaim_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with another and guys we are headed into the future on the wings of It has propellers, but you get it It's a drone and it is gonna give us aerial shots, so I'm gonna open up this box I'm gonna bust it. Oh, we're shooting shooting a thing shooting a thing shooting a thing Okay, shoot a thing Ye... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_sketch_rewind_with_bowen_yang | I'd like to sing a tribute to myself.
Oh, that cape. that cape Tom Broker built out, and it's so beautiful.
Goodbye, Congress Creams. though they never knew me at all. do you like my brain kind of short circuits? I think that was the point where my soul left my body.
George Santos happened in January of 2023. I had ... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.