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cracked | 5_dumb_movie_tropes_they_need_to_bring_back | Hollywood has absolutely no problem trying to replicate past successes, which is the reason Jim Belushi is in movies. Think about it. Every top-grossing movie the past few years has been a reboot or sequel. We keep remaking the Magnificent Seven, where two Poseidon Adventure remakes in one year within six months of eac... |
cracked | apollo_12_astronauts_had_porn_hidden_in_their_spacesuits | Apollo 12 astronauts had porn hidden in their spacesuits. For the second ever moon landing mission in 1969, NASA prepared small spiral-bound suit cuff checklists of fun things to do on the lunar surface for astronauts Pete Conrad and Alan Bean. But before blasting off, backup crew member Dave Scott took nude photos fro... |
cracked | should_you_rent_house_party_2_over_coming_to_america_staff_picks | Welcome to StaffPix, the show where we hunt down VHSs, DVDs, and Blu-rays, trying to fill the shelf space of our video rental store evenly between the big four movie genres. Each episode will focus on a specific genre, and a lot of us will have to unanimously decide one movie to be added to the StaffPix video store col... |
Fitzthistlewits | tomb_raider_review | Tomb Raider. Tomb Raider is the hotly anticipated action adventure game released by Crystal Dynamics. In the game you play as the titular character Angelina Jolie as she attempts to steal ancient and sacred artifacts from indigenous people, like the grave-robbing harpy she is.
The controls were designed by the Antichr... |
cracked | ded_talks_why_thomas_edison_was_history_s_biggest_dick | Hello my fellow Americans. My name is Thomas Alva Edison, famed inventor of the quadraplex telegraph, cement pianos, a fireproof factory which burned to the ground, and several other inventions of note. And to what do I credit my historic success?
Failure. That's right. The same failure that comprises most of your liv... |
dropout | kim_jong_un_vs_vladimir_putin | Okay, now it's time for a weekly summary of President Putin's exploits for children of nation. Monday, Putin tames six black bears. Tuesday, Putin restores sight to blind men. Wednesday, Putin discovers blind men is deviant. He feeds to tame bears.
Sir, I am so sorry. They hacked our signal. We will execute all childr... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | betoota_advocate_public_service_announcement_census_2016 | Hi, I'm Joy Ride, ARIA-nominated ADM Godfather and former member of the Development Squad for the Western Sydney Razorbacks. Existing on the coalface of Australian culture means that my livelihood as a musical raconteur depends on the integrity of media publications, journalists and two-bit blogs like Tone Death. A fre... |
cracked | the_4_most_adorable_animal_rampages_spit_take_theater | Hey, you're about to hear banana clipper and 36-inch chain off the run the jewels mixtape You should totally download it. It's free and speaking of Today's episode is Well, you can't say we didn't warn you the internet cracked has always maintained a healthy respect for the awesome power of wild animals And a near-cons... |
cracked | can_ghostbusters_be_considered_a_drama_staff_picks | Okay, we have now all searched through the Station One archives, made our selections. Hold on, you can't call those archives. It's a closet full of stacks of movies. You know, they're not really organized very well, but they're archives. There's people at Station One that let us into their homes.
I know. I'm not sayin... |
SaturdayNightLive | don_s_apothecary_penis_sleeves_and_vaginal_rejuvenation_snl | Here you go. All right, there. All right. And there is your stuff. thank you. You know, it's always nice to come back to the old neighborhood and see that this place is still around. take care, buddy. yeah, I'll see you later. Hello. hello. did you find everything okay? yes, thank you. let's see here.
Oh, boy. I guess... |
Wizards_with_Guns | it_s_all_going_according_to_plan_ | Just check the West Hall. No sign of anyone... False alarm. Sector 12 is clear. On my way back. This is Six. I need you to unlock the West Hall Gate. Everything's going according to me.
Oh my god! What the heck? Doug, are you okay? Where are your clothes? Somebody tried to knock me out. What? I think they took them of... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_240_Nance_Haxton_The_Wandering_Journo | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, you're joined by myself Clancy Overall and Errol Parker.
It's a wonderful time of the year, it's a time for catching up, a time for feasting, a time for probably go... |
dropout | hardly_working_you_ll_never_guess | Sam, Sam, I was just in Ricky's office. I got a look at some of the personnel files.
You will never guess what Streeter makes in a year. Oh man, you wouldn't say anything unless it was a lot. So what is it, like, 30 billion dollars? No, well, no. It's like 80,000, but that's like a lot for his position, I thought. Yea... |
dropout | part_of_your_drinking_world | Look at this stuff, isn't it sweet?
Wouldn't you think my life is complete? Wouldn't you think I'm a girl with access to everything?
Look at this bull, treasures untold How many wonders can one dorm room hold? Looking around here you think, sure, she's got everything I've got fatties and pain pills aplenty I've got u... |
cracked | why_hollywood_can_lose_billions_still_make_terrible_movies | Hollywood's notoriously bad at identifying what people actually like about movies. That's why after Star Wars was released in 1977 and kicked the teeth out of every pocketbook in America, Tinseltown spent the next decade just tossing terrible science fiction movies at the wall, with no real understanding of why none of... |
SaturdayNightLive | blackjack_s_bitch_saturday_night_live | Hey, Blackjack. Psst. Blackjack, you awake? who is that? it's me, Aaron.
Oh, hey, man. what's wrong with you? you having trouble sleeping? yeah. a little bit. Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? go ahead. don't you think the food here is bad?
Now, is that really what you want to ask me, man? Oh, Blackjack, you ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_82_john_barilaro | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show. We are joined today for the first time in a while by a Nationals politician. Actually, it's pretty much only the Nats that talk to us nowadays.
The last one w... |
cracked | why_dating_websites_are_ruining_dating_rom_com | We're trying to find out why you rated Fine Love so poorly despite having made so many matches on the site. Your only feedback was, this shit don't work. This shit don't work! And yet you went on 54 first dates through our website.
And what do you think the disconnect is? Besides all the non-working shit. Let's unpack... |
dropout | who_s_gonna_call_the_lyft_hardly_working | You do stand up. Yeah, I've been at it for years. You guys ever hear somebody say, who here is from out of town? Yeah, of course. That's me. That's my bet.
No, that's impossible. It can't be your bet.
Just let them have this. Anybody up for a drink? I might check out that new bar I was talking about. I could take a c... |
Wizards_with_Guns | rocket_surgery_isn_t_brain_science | Ahh! This is so difficult!
Well, it's not rocket science. It's not brain surgery. Well, at least it's not rocket surgery.
I need 50 cc's of rocket fuel! Stop! Dammit, Jim! We're rocket doctors, not comedians! Can somebody get Neil Armstrong on the horn? Get over here, Jim! We're running out of time! Okay, what do you... |
TheOnion | God_Doubts_He_Could_Still_Create_World_In_Just_7_Days_Anymore | Medical experts announced that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed. A new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box. Rising to the top of the video news summary game through an unstop... |
ClickHole | how_to_get_nude_pics_of_absolutely_any_celebrity | Hey guys, it's me again and today I'm going to be showing you how you can get nude pictures of any celebrity you can think of. So the first thing you're going to want to do is find a picture of a celebrity who you like and who you might want to see naked. So I just did a quick Google search for movie star Emily Blunt a... |
TheOnion | candidates_compete_for_vital_idgit_vote | Moving on, as the 2008 presidential election gets closer, many pollsters are predicting that the candidates who can appeal to that vital idjit demographic may carry the election. Should candidates be reaching out to these all-important idjits? Well, I think they have to recognize that the idjit voter is someone who con... |
CrackerMilk | centrelink_vr_virtual_reality | Here at Centrelink, we've been trying to help all Australians in need. Unfortunately, we're still receiving heavy amounts of negative feedback, leaving many of you without the payments you deserve. Which is why we're introducing Centrelink VR. With Centrelink VR, you can make all your claims and secure your payments mo... |
TheOnion | In_Freak_Accident_34_Katherine_Heigl_Films_Released_At_Once | This is the Onion News Network, now with more attack satellites than any other network. Right now, let's turn to the dire situation in Hollywood, where a devastating freak accident at Sony Pictures Studio has resulted in 34 Katherine Heigl movies being released at once. Onion News Network reporter Brian Scott has more.... |
cracked | the_pregnancy_reaction_videos_you_won_t_see | Oh my god. So I just looked at the pregnancy test and... We've got some big news! What is it? Oh! Oh yes! Yes! Oh my god.
I'm not pregnant. Look. Look at that. I'm really not pregnant. We're not pregnant!
Oh my god! You guys are not gonna have a child. I'm too pregnant! That's my boy! Oh my god baby, I'm so happy! I ... |
dropout | pov_sick_day | Ugh! My eyes are extra gunky this morning. Gross. My tongue tastes like a dead person's tongue. Better swallow. And my throat feels like I'm being stabbed. Oh no, I'm sick.
Better assess the damage. Let me get my little flashlight here. Time to go exploring in cave mouth. It looks red, but it's always kind of red, so ... |
TheOnion | White_Woman_Explains_Why_As_An_Anti_Racist_Ally_She_Refuses_To_Say_Any_Word_That_Starts_With_N | As an ally to the black community, I believe in doing the right thing. Always. As allies, it isn't enough to just be passively accepting. We have to stand up against racism in all its ugly forms. Which is why I, as an anti-racist ally, refuse to say absolutely any word that starts with the letter N. I'll admit it, grow... |
SaturdayNightLive | family_meeting_snl | Thanks for making the trip kids! Well, when you said it was an emergency, we flew in right away. Yeah, you're kind of freaking us out. are you guys okay? Oh, we are better than okay.
Look, the truth is, we had a hard time figuring out how to break the news. That's what the song is for the song. I'm sure you all have a... |
cracked | vin_diesel_s_accidentally_brilliant_website | Hey guys, so I was thinking about Vin Diesel the other day, right? Cuz I love him always constantly Yeah, I was like, I wonder what he's up to Seen his website Okay, like his his Well, it's personal and it's Professional knowing Vin it's gonna be a delightful mix of the two the first thing you'll notice when you come h... |
TheOnion | Anti_Jacketers_Rally_Outside_Burlington_Coat_Factory_To_Protest_Liberal_Cold_Weather_Conspiracy | As temperatures drop, tensions are on the rise over a simple garment that we all use to protect ourselves. Hear how one group of anti-jacketers is leading a growing movement against the use of coats and fleeces, despite their proven effectiveness from the cold. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is the Topical... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_zombies | Today we are playing Zombie Games. This is Typing of the Dead. This is House of the Dead except with words in front of the zombies and instead of shooting at things with a light gun, you have to type at them.
Oh good, because shooty was my least favorite part. It's so funny that even the main character, they took the ... |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_the_internet_making_us_dumb | The internet's not making us dumber. I'll explain why as soon as I finish watching this video of a goat twerking. If anything, the internet is making us smarter. I'm learning new things all the time. Like five years ago, I had no idea what Princess Peach's butthole looked like.
Yeah, people on the internet are dumb. C... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_airplane_song_snl | And I forgot my charger, damn it. Headphones, sir. Uh, yeah, sure. That'll be $29.99. What? No, never mind, thank you. Alrighty, sir. It's gonna be a long flight. Is watching Brad Pitt in an astronaut. Now I Am the man Who watches the man Who watches the movie Catted Corner to Me My Kingdom is Dead I am rock-dog in thi... |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_2 | Last time on Street Fighter the Later Years So look at this! You pick up that mob, or you're fired. Talsin, some teeth? We should reorganize. Start another tournament here in the city. We need training. We know the best trainer there is.
Bison. Bullies pushing you around. Boss getting you down. Wouldn't you like to ri... |
dropout | kinda_racist_try_diet_racism | If there's a black entertainment network, shouldn't there be a white entertainment network? Do you say sort of racist stuff but stop short of saying the n-word? Enjoy the refreshing taste of diet racism. The same sweet ignorance of regular racism, but with none of the guilt or self-awareness. You know I'm not racist, b... |
SaturdayNightLive | blonde_snl | This fall, Netflix released Blonde an Nc-17 No holds barred. Look at the life of Marilyn Monroe. here's a preview. Marilyn, What's the holdup? we're about to shoot the big dance number. I'm just gonna mess it up. Ducky, It's like I'm a slave to this Marilyn Monroe. Oh, don't say that Marilyn.
Everybody loves you and t... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_mike_johnson_elected_as_house_speaker_trump_testifies_in_civil_fraud_trial_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, after weeks of struggling to elect a new Speaker of the House, Republicans gave up and just generated one with A.i. There's no way Mike Johnson is a real person. he's supposed to be a conservative Republican, yet he looks like e... |
dropout | what_s_inside_adele_s_pockets | I'm Adele, hello from Inside My Pockets. This is a nice little bottle of polish for my finger tops and I keep it near empty as a memory jog about the emptiness of love. This is my Who's That card, you know, for when people don't know that it's me. Some of my shiny ones for when they vote my voice all pretty, these are ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_180_Ross_Jones_Federal_ICAC_Now_Party_FIN | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Hello and welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, my name is Errol Parker, here with me again, as always, it's Clancy Overall, Clancy, how's your week been?
Yeah, good mate, yeah, we, you know, as has be... |
cracked | 5_western_characters_japan_manga_fied_into_madness_canonball | And the one about the... you know, where they... There's like a thing with a... Yeah, that's the one.
But this cross-continental obsession goes both ways. Japan loves certain American-made characters so much, they'll give them their own TV shows, mangas, and instant noodle brands. But that doesn't mean they aren't abo... |
SaturdayNightLive | dinner_with_the_dean_snl | So then Louis says, if you could only cook as well as you could argue, we could fire the chef. And I said, well, Louis, if you could make love as well as you argue, we could fire the gardener.
All right, dear, I think you've had enough. you're boring our guests so much, they'll think we're even duller than when they g... |
SaturdayNightLive | magic_mouth_snl | I'm Dr. Richard Ludworth. let's face it, there are some problems we'd rather not talk about. Mom, Dad, Richard and I have something we'd like to tell you. like flatulence. Maybe it's time for you to discover what millions of Americans already know. it's this,: the Magic Mouth from Templeton Medical. excessive gas gets ... |
dropout | car_interview_show_hosted_by_somebody_who_can_t_drive | Hi, I'm Siobhan from College Humor, and today I'm going to take my friend John Gambling from Broad City out on a little drive. We're going to run some errands, get some coffee, it'll be super chill. The only thing he doesn't know is that I do not have my driver's license. I do have my driver's permit, so I mean I do kn... |
SaturdayNightLive | drill_sergeant_cold_open_snl | I'm Gunnery Sergeant Mcarthur, your senior drill instructor! over the next six weeks you will see so much of me that I will be like everyone to you. it will seem as if all the people who are normally around you are me! Do I make myself clear?
Sir! Yes, Sir! I can't hear you! Sir! Yes, Sir!
Look at how scared you are!... |
TheOnion | Cosmopolitan_Completes_Study_On_How_To_Please_Your_Man | Coming up in a little bit, Julia Murray is going to join us. She's the author of the new diet book, Shit Yourself Thin. Have you seen the pictures of her? She looks great. That woman has shit off so much weight.
It's unbelievable. Oh, my God. Well, listen, first up, it's been a landmark week for women and science. Tha... |
dropout | hardly_working_makeover_montage | No, you hang up first. No, you, uh, hang up.
Guys, Cheswick brandersnuff just asked me out on a date. The wealthy New York industrialist? You lucky slut. I know. He's taking me to the velvet debutante gala tonight at 6 o'clock. Uh, Sarah, that's in five minutes. My God, you're right. What do I do?
Makeover montage! C... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_curse_of_frankenstein_snl | You guys looking for Frankenstein? you guys got the wrong house. What do you mean we got the wrong house? you got the wrong house. Frankenstein lives, uh. he lives over there, across the Moor. across the Moor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. it's a big castle. it's got those, uh. what do you call it? those white trees out front? you... |
dropout | honest_graduation_song | When we graduated high school we were close as could be Said I'll come visit you and you'll come visit me I kept telling my new friends about you And all the crazy high school things that we used to do But when I looked in our map, your score was kinda far I'd love to go and visit but I don't have a card But if I got w... |
TheOnion | Ladies_Freeze_Your_Hot_Young_Face_For_Later_Dr_Good_Ep_6 | Onion syndication conglomerates would like to congratulate the Dr. Good Show for once again earning an Illinois Medical Board rating of perfect. Tick, tick, tick. What is that the sound of, guys? Our biological clocks. Our biological clocks, that's right. But it isn't just our slowly rotting eggs.
For many younger wom... |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_kanye_west_a_genius | I'd say some nice things about Kanye, but he don't need my pussy. Bitch, he on his own dick. In a New York Times interview, he said the biggest inspiration for his new album was a high-end lamp, and you could really hear it. I love Kanye West.
I mean, one of the greatest songs of our generation is Nee. It's Nee. The o... |
dropout | slide_into_the_dms_the_gameshow_ch_shorts | Welcome back to Slide Into the DMs. I'm here with Tanner. Tanner beat Felicity and Julio for the chance to slide into some of these DMs where of course it goes down. Tanner, whose DMs are you trying to slide into?
I'm going to go with Kai and tell us a little more about Kai. He is a student at UC Irvine and he has gre... |
ClickHole | someone_edited_together_the_ultimate_psa_and_it_s_incredible | Enough. You can be part of the solution. Right now. Let's do this. Everybody.
Forward. Which way are we moving? Forward.
Now we know how to stop this. We know how to stop this. Stop this.
Now that you know.
It's time. We can do better than this. It's time. It's time for our leaders to act.
Send this to five friend... |
SaturdayNightLive | hollywood_minute_with_david_spade_s_puppet_saturday_night_live | Now, here to take a look at what's happening in the world of Entertainment, we're proud to welcome back the Hollywood Minute with our very own David Spade. Thanks Colin, funny update. Thanks. I mean that for real. But Colin, I have something to say to you. I'm not going to be doing the Hollywood Minute tonight, unfortu... |
dropout | hardly_working_lady_macbething | Oh, oh, oh dog, dude you killed it in that pitch meeting that was awesome I hope they make your parody that thong song. Hey, thanks, man You know, I figured thong rhymes with thong so, you know, I don't know it's stupid. Whatever. Oh, it's not Oh, and you're really good. Like you could run this company if anything ever... |
dropout | why_you_don_t_need_8_glasses_of_water_a_day_adam_ruins_everything | Oh my god, we've been out here for 15 minutes. We need to be hydrating. Everybody drink up. Actually, the risk of dehydration is way overblown. You gonna tell me hydrating is bad?
Yeah, right. Take a lap. Oh, I'd never make it all the way around.
In America, we've become obsessed with the dangers of dehydration. Peop... |
dropout | the_guy_who_s_definitely_not_keeping_your_secret | Zach, when are you gonna stop living this lie? There you are. The real Zach. Wait, why were you in the men's room? Doesn't matter. The point is, I saw Zach and... Zach wears a wig. What?
Oh my god. That's really good gossip, Emily. I know, but we have to keep it a secret because if he finds out that I betrayed his tru... |
cracked | what_it_s_like_to_work_in_an_infectious_disease_lab | Hi, I'm Rose, and this is what the CDC calls a Biosafety Level 3 Laboratory, where we study all the scariest, most lethal, most face-melting diseases ever known to man in the pitiful hopes that we can learn just enough to keep the human race from being entirely eradicated. Now, this place might sound like it's perpetua... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_19_7_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic Hatch and Sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today. Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details.
You're listenin... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_game_of_the_year_beatles_rock_band | Welcome to Bleeploop. Today we are ready to declare our game of the year for 2009 Beatles Rock Band. I'm Jeff Rubin here with the Onion AV Club's music critic, Andy Bataglia and Pat Kessels. The reason we picked this for the game of the year is I think that just long after we're playing Modern Warfare 8 and even newer ... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Decorating_A_Christmas_Tree | The holiday season is already here, but your new Christmas tree still doesn't quite have that festive look. Well, no need to worry any longer. Here are the onion's tips for decorating your Christmas tree. The first thing you should do after purchasing your brand new tree is check to see whether it is male or female by ... |
cracked | the_x_files_episode_banned_for_being_too_horrifying_canonball | Ah, The X-Files, a beloved television series from the 90's that had the whole country wondering just what was out there, and when those two sexy FBI agents were finally going to bone. My butt? Yeah, I'm going to use your butt. Every week people tuned in by the millions to watch Mulder and Scully investigating paranorma... |
dropout | amir_tries_to_be_ampm_s_spokesman_part_1_sponsored | And action. Hey guys, we are here at AMPM because you are looking at the new spokesperson for the brand. Wow. How big is that?
They haven't offered it to me yet, but I'm going to go in there and pretty much demand it. And I feel really good that it's going to go poorly.
Here we go. All right. Hi there. It's PM. I'm h... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_maga_s_taylor_swift_super_bowl_conspiracy_trump_s_50_million_legal_fees_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. What's up there? I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, just hours ago, President Biden won the South Carolina Democratic Primary, barely edging out his closest rival, Time. As you may have seen on your aunt's Facebook, many Maga personalities are claiming that the ... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_plirts_snl | I don't know, something like that. uh, Taraji, Jim Henson, yeah, that could be a funny sketch. Thanks, man. yeah. hey, why don't we celebrate with a glass of red wine? Oh! it's pretty early, but okay. Cheers! Oh! my shirt! now I'm gonna look like a slob for the date I have tonight.
Gosh, Austin, don't you hate when th... |
dropout | sorry_i_m_a_slow_eater | Okay, is everyone ready to go?
Heck yeah, I've never been more excited for a basketball game in my entire life! It's cause it's Lebron James! We're gonna see Lebron James! We're gonna see Lebron...
Wait, wait, wait. Where's Raph? Sorry guys, I'm a slow eater.
Come on man, it's Lebron James! Of course, of course, I'l... |
cracked | the_rise_and_fall_of_the_most_famous_background_actor_ever | Cats, people falling, bacon. The internet is full of celebrities, all rich thanks to the internet. These are their stories.
In late 2012, a playful internet prank on Reddit made background actor Alexander Rhodes' IMDb page go viral. Because IMDb pages with the most traffic are ranked the highest, Rhodes became the num... |
dropout | bombing_on_stage_for_1500 | Grant has to perform stand-up, but I get to write all of the stand-up, and I'm going to write you seven minutes worth of stand-up. The last three you'll have to write. Have you ever done stand-up before? No.
Grant has to say, it's all love, every time. Like he sees the whole second amendment, and then he has to just b... |
TheOnion | Critics_Slam_Obama_For_Just_Standing_There_During_Photo_Op | Tighten up your beltway. We've got more politics to talk.
I'm Lee Decker. I've got Jason Copeland and Marie Byron hogging up my screen, so you know it's time for gaffe or good. Hi, Lee. All right, you know the rules. I play a clip.
You tell me if it's a huge gaffe or a good move. First up, John Boehner talking to a S... |
cracked | what_directors_really_think_on_set_rom_com_extras | When you approach something like this as a director, and when you walk onto any set, every director has their own approach, what is the Adam Janzer director? I usually start with imagining what the best version of the film is in my brain, even if it doesn't matter whether I can do it or not. So basically I'll start wit... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_aidy_s_dream_snl | Hi, I'm SNL's Aidy Bryant. You Know, over my 10 years on the show, I have played dozens of teachers, principals, mothers, women named Diane, Susan, or Teacher. I have loved all of these sweet, nurturing women, but the show said that if I played 150 of them, then as a reward, I could write a sketch of my own choosing, y... |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_want_an_independent_woman_who_does_whatever_i_want | My name is Errand. Like the chore? I'm looking for a woman who will let me have a beer with the boys. Who will actually give a damn about the big game. But also a scientist who's a slut. I'd like to think that I am a sensitive man who's in touch with his emotions. I shed a tear the other day while watching Bambi and I ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_selling_60_bibles_francis_scott_key_bridge_collapses_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. Good evening. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, four Presidents visited New York City at the same time on Thursday, three to do a joint fundraiser at Radio City, and one selling bibles door-to-door. ... |
TheOnion | Tea_Party_Quiet_Too_Quiet | Two years ago, the Tea Party dominated the national political scene, drawing thousands of supporters to their protests and marches and inundating the media with their cries for smaller government. But now, with just months until a presidential election, the Tea Party is quiet, some say. Too quiet. With analysis, we are... |
dropout | daria_movie_trailer_with_aubrey_plaza | High school was like the Civil War. It lasted four years, you were defined by what you wore, and I lost one in ten of my friends to gangrene.
That last part isn't true, but a girl can dream, can't she? Daria, I am president of Londo High's Reunion Committee. How would it look if my own sister didn't come? Why don't yo... |
cracked | if_cereal_mascots_got_serious_about_stealing_cereal | Oh ho ho ho ho! Oh, Hoy!
Thanks for coming, everyone! Thanks for putting this together, Cap! We should have done this years ago!
Don't thank me yet! Wait till we're all swimming in cereal! Before we get into it, I want you all to know that what I'm about to propose is very illegal, very dangerous, and very lucrative.... |
dropout | Meet_the_World_s_Saddest_Baker | I bake and I'm sad. My great-great-grandparents started the Brijone Cafe many many moons ago. They had a one a pot, a one a pan, a one oven. I mean they had like a two customers, not like me. I had so many customers. They used old authentic Sicilian baking techniques, no modern technologies. They grow wheat, they raise... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Daily_News_Bulletin_Wednesday_1st_April | Hello, you're listening to the Batooda Advocates Daily News Wrap. My name is Wendell Hussey and we're coming to you live on Desert Rock FM or wherever it is you get your podcasts. Thanks for tuning in and make sure to subscribe or follow the new Daily News Bulletin podcast feed if you haven't done so already. Now here ... |
TheOnion | Prague_s_Kafka_International_Named_Most_Alienating_Airport | Businessweek magazine released its annual Air Travelers report this week with Prague's Franz Kafka International Airport ranking last in customer satisfaction due to long flight delays, poor service, and an overall impressive impersonal atmosphere. The report found the average delay at Franz Kafka International is 31 h... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_biden_s_state_of_the_union_mitch_mcconnell_endorses_trump_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, on Thursday, Sleepy Joe finally woke the hell up.
President Biden delivered the State of the Union, and he honestly kind of crushed it. I mean, even Trump's house El... |
cracked | most_embarassing_discovery_ever_agents_of_cracked_episode_8 | Hi, I'm Abe Epperson. I directed Agents of Cracked. Welcome to the Craterion collection of Agents of Cracked.
Stay after and we'll be talking about what we did while we made the thing, little anecdotes and stories. Spoiler alert, I killed a hobo. What a day, partner. I'll say. I'll admit it. When those Iranian gorilla... |
SaturdayNightLive | mother_s_day_gifts_snl | Oh, my gosh, what a mother's day. You did too much. Well, you deserve it. After all, you're our mom. Well, I'm your wife.
Yeah, that's what I meant. Who wants to go first? I do. Oh, oh, you know, I love these little wooden signs. Okay, let me see.
Okay, life doesn't come with a manual. It comes with a mother.
Where'... |
dropout | how_many_anakins | From Galahad to Gil Galad, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else. That is correcting people. This is Um, Actually.
I have here a stack of questions. These are false statements by the franchises that are nearest and dearest to your hearts, or if not your hearts, some... |
dropout | troopers_laser_sword | Hey, do you guys ever think about how we hyper-drive on parkways and we park on hyper-drive-way? No, I don't! Shut up! You! Not at all! You have failed me for the last time! Which one of us? You!
For, uh, questioning me. Look, the important thing is I get to try out my brand new laser sword! Behold, the instrument of ... |
dropout | History_s_Most_Doomed_Expeditions_Full_Episode | Hey, kids, remember, everything you're about to learn is real!
All the wonders that a single class can find They decide to shut their mouths and open up their minds Sex and **** and crime and pain All this crap will be explained And while we're at it, let's try to have some fun Talking about what the **** 101 Talking ... |
cracked | andrew_jackson_most_terrifying_man_ever_elected_president | Andrew Jackson, the 7th president of the United States, was a hard party and hard fighting, hard crazy, ugly, ugly son of a bitch who took the highest offs in the land because he felt like it. What were you gonna do, stop him? He'd like to see you try. When he wasn't busy shaping the presidency as we know it today, you... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_caitlin_clark_on_the_wnba_draft_snl | The University of Iowa announced that basketball star Caitlin Clark will have her jersey retired and replaced with an apron.
Oh!
Well, the Wnba draft, the Wnba Draft, is this Monday. and Iowa star Caitlin Clark is expected to be the number one pick. here to comment is Caitlin Clark. but nothing for my joke, whatever.... |
TheOnion | a_v_club_pop_pilgrims_los_angeles_the_graduate_church | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books, or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
A young man races to the church to stop the woman he loves from getting married. Gets there, the doo... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_star_worlds | Welcome to Bleep Bloop, I'm Jeff, that's Pat. Our friends at Stridegum are trying to save the arcades, a cause very near and dear to our own hearts. So we came all the way to Decab, Illinois, to the Star Worlds arcade. We're here with the owners, Pat and Glenn, and we're here to learn about the rich cultural history of... |
dropout | the_hottest_lesbian_kiss_ever | Six beers, two shots, and a Jager Bum. I don't care.
Check it out, check it out. Laz begins, bro. Oh, yes, dude, they are so hot. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. They're going all the way.
Yo, this is more than just a hookup, bro. That conversation is crazy intimate. Man, I gotta record th... |
dropout | the_guy_who_only_posts_sad_stories_on_facebook | Cynthia! What's wrong? Someone just posted a video of a dog being put to sleep. Oh God, who posted it? Was it Rodolfo? Yeah!
He's always posting such depressing things on Facebook. Why is his Facebook such a bummer? He just posted how someone in Chicago keeps slashing people's faces. But I love faces!
Rodolfo?
Woe. ... |
TheOnion | Black_Lives_Matter_Organizer_Explains_Movement_To_Older_White_Americans_Using_Sailing_Metaphors | The Black Lives Matter movement doesn't mean that Black lives matter more than others. We just won't stand idly by as people slaughter us with impunity. There are many misconceptions about the movement, especially among older white Americans. It can be hard for them to understand and even make them feel threatened.
So... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_176_David_Crisafulli_MP | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live here in the beautiful Dymantina Shire, we've currently, I think it's now 40,000 days without an active case out here in the channel country, things ar... |
dropout | i_m_such_a_nerd_with_katrina_bowden | Is everything okay? You look a little uncomfortable.
Yeah, I just, you know, girls like you don't usually have guys like me, like, you know, a nerd. Hey, I am a total nerd too. Yeah, girls always say that. No, no, seriously, I love Firefly.
I play Dungeons and Dragons, and I think Holy Grail is way worse than the lif... |
dropout | if_donald_trump_had_been_president_throughout_history | Mr. Gorbachev, build that wall, dead feet higher. Four score at seven years ago, our fathers brought forth a nation based on the proposition that all men are created equal, which, let's be honest, if that's true, the losers, the haters, and the wives they're with, they're dogs. Mr. President, France would like to sell ... |
dropout | hardly_working_sam_s_secret | Here we go. How much am I gonna have to lose? The whole leg, huh? Dan, get off that phone, you goof!
It's all-nighter time! All-nighter time? Gosh, why didn't you say so? An all-nighter? Oh god, I'll grab my hat. Hey, did someone just say all-nighter?
Sure did. Oh, well, paint my wagon.
Hey guys, call your girlfrien... |
cracked | whiplash_review_ft_brian_park_slap_my_face_and_call_me_charlie_parker | Yeah, and he was like, he was going off script. That was just, that was just JK. Okay, so it says the broadcast is live. He was really messed up.
I just realized we have no way to tell if we're actually live on YouTube things. So that's pretty cool. Hey, you guys are live.
Have fun. Go crazy.
Okay, great. Wow. Who's... |
dropout | golfing_beautiful_women_what_could_be_bad_sponsored | We're here in Whistler, British Columbia and all these beautiful women have lined up here just to greet me and the winners when they arrive later or whatever, but I think it's mostly for me. We have 160 golfers here coming to embarrass themselves in front of these beautiful women and I think it's going to be a great da... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Local_Mum_Dreams_of_Her_Kids_Getting_to_See_Those_Subs_A_News_Report_States_that_90_of_Austra_ | You're listening to The Batooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap, on Desert Rock FM, 96.5. Alrighty then, welcome back to another Batooter Advocate Weekly Bulletin, my name is Errol Parker, joined with me today is Wendell Hussey, how are you Wendell? Really good thanks Errol. That's good mate, and Effie's here as well. Hel... |
wearethesundayblues | how_to_viral_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Garrett, come in. Come in, Garrett.
Clover? Told you we don't need to use these things anymore.
We sit right next to each other.
Yeah, but they were really expensive. So can you just use the walkie-talkies? Well, I know they were expensive. I wanted to buy that big cake and you used up all the money.
And I was stuc... |
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