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TheOnion | Justin_Timberlake_Wins_Golden_Globe_For_Funniest_Goofball_At_His_Table | Get ready to get hopped up on Hollywood because I'm Angelique Clark here with tonight's quick hits. First up, Justin Timberlake took home a big award at the Golden Globes Sunday night, scoring the win for the funniest goofball at his table. Timberlake received the award after entertaining his table mates with such hila... |
dropout | what_new_technology_do_you_wish_existed_bad_internet_behind_the_scenes | if I can invent new technology I think I would just I would probably just try to steal technology from cartoons like I would like they're called scouters in Dragon Ball Z where you can see how powerful somebody was oh yeah get the stats on someone every time you look at them yeah you could go around you could be like a... |
dropout | honest_new_york_times_ad | The New York Times is joining the 21st Century. Subscribe today, and not only will you get up to the minute news, video, and multimedia on our website, but we'll also deliver a pile of old newspapers to your door every morning. There's nothing like having a real newspaper delivered in the morning.
Nothing protects the... |
TheOnion | How_To_Channel_Your_Road_Rage_Into_Cold_Calculating_Road_Revenge | I know I shouldn't, but these muffins are delicious.
And we'll share our favorite recipes later in the hour, but first our guest says don't give in to road rage. Stay calm behind the wheel and coolly plot your road revenge. Danny Preston is a defensive driving instructor who teaches people how to control their temper ... |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_wants_more_money_saturday_night_live | Lorne, Lorne, we've got the early ratings in and they're sky high, and the critics are already saying that this is one of the funniest shows ever. that's great. So I want to renegotiate my contract. I want more money. can't do it. Lorne, Lorne, what did you pay me the first time I hosted in 1976?
Steve, I can't do it.... |
cracked | the_5_most_seemingly_sinister_google_behaviors | Don't be evil, it's Google's unofficial motto and an anagram of boned to live. But are we boned to live with Google in our lives? Google is a polarizing entity. Some die-hard supporters consider it the savior of innovation, while cynics paint Google as a digital big brother. Now, using only two different t-shirts, I wi... |
dropout | where_mom_emails_really_come_from_clip_from_bad_internet_ep_9 | Hey mom, what's the deal with this email you sent me? Did you like that? I guess, but it's just this one phrase in green sparkle font. Oh come on, that's cute. Sure, but you've been sending me a lot of these emails.
The inspirational story of the pickle jar, the non-YouTube video link of Joel Austin telling jokes, the... |
cracked | how_to_rob_a_bank_according_to_the_internet | To prepare, I drove past a bunch of different banks and checked them against tips I got from the world's most reliable bank robbing source, the internet. A standalone bank with a 200-yard sprint between me and my car?
No, that's no good.
A bank that's part of a strip mall? That's a safer target.
Do the robbery when ... |
cracked | video_game_battle_of_the_sexes_halo_vs_metroid | Master Chief is just a drone following orders. Yeah, orders that get shit done on like a galactic level.
Unlike your precious little Samus, who only fights two villains on the same two planets for like half of the game. Samus has way better powers. She's got Grappling Hook, she can roll into a ball, drop one to three ... |
cracked | 12_reasons_the_term_life_hack_is_now_meaningless | Life hacks! They're the computer hacking of real life. Especially because not a whole lot of people actually know what either of them are. I'm hyped up blood act! A life hack, actually, is kind of hard to explain, apparently. It's like a little trick, you know, that utilizes the laws and materials and nature of the uni... |
dropout | it_s_god_s_fault_we_lost_the_game_ch_shorts | Parabuddha's point guard, Ricky J, is fielding questions following tonight's game against the Bloodhounds. How do you feel about the outcome of tonight's game?
Oh, it was all God. Come on, you don't think you had anything to do with it? God. No, no, I can't take any credit for this one. This was truly God's doing.
Bu... |
programmersarealsohuman | everyone_on_ai_twitter_2023 | Everything I do and everything I believe in is based on well-researched anecdotal evidence Twitter. Is this mic working? The moment I see new technology nobody understands, I tweet about it. Twitter is a safe space for people who want to learn more about new technologies. By tweeting about new technologies, I create so... |
dropout | everyone_s_high_school_boyfriend_hardly_working | Really good script this week, guys. I haven't seen stuff this funny since Owen and Dan left, but I still feel like we haven't found our Shake It Off parody.
Emily, Emily, who the dog's is that? Yeah, that's Emily's high school boyfriend, Chase. He's not in high school. You know, they've just been together ever since. ... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Creepy_Babies | Today we're talking about creepy babies. Those are those unsettling bundles of joy in TV and film that may make you reconsider procreating. My pick for this was 1996's Trainspotting.
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career.
Trainspotting boasts a number of memorable scenes, none more so than when Ewan McGregor is ... |
dropout | you_remind_me_of_my_ugly_friend | Yeah, we're gonna make regionals this year. Guys, can I try? Yeah, soon.
Whoa. Have you guys seen Jenny, the new editor? Katie, she just looks exactly like you. Really? Yeah, I thought it was you the first time I saw her.
It's like an uncanny resemblance. Oh man, I can't wait to... Yeah, I agree. It's shocking how mu... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_debbie_hole_and_stacey_bussy_on_disney_s_hocus_pocus_2_snl | This week, a Facebook post urging moms to avoid Disney's reboot of Hocus Pocus went viral. here to discuss their concerns about the film are two mothers from Texas, Debbie Hole and Stacey Bussi. So ladies, what's so bad about Hocus Pocus? Okay, a bunch of witches harvesting children running a muck. oh, witches snacking... |
dropout | How_To_Fix_Our_Climate_So_That_I_Can_Take_Long_Showers | Climate change, the most dire, all-encompassing issue facing our generation today. Our planet is at a crossroads, and the time has come for everyone to assess their lifestyle, limit as best they can their carbon footprint, and make the necessary sacrifices so that I can continue taking really long showers.
As it stand... |
cracked | movie_problems_with_easy_solutions | 6 movie problems with easy solutions. Mr. Potter has no choice He is as of tonight a try wizard champion I was out of town for a couple months in case you didn't hear what you call accountability Nobody's taken yesterday. I didn't approve any shit. Well, your company did well I'm not my company. The services are no lon... |
TheOnion | DNC_Commits_To_Younger_Looking_Leaders_With_Skincare_Routine_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_24 | From The Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price and you're listening to The Topical, a news podcast that gets released to your podcast app of choice every day. Remember to turn on your notifications to be alerted when a new episode drops, or if you'd prefer something a bit more personal, simply send us your hom... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_260_Tom_Nash | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome to the Batooter Advocate radio show. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooter Advocate and we've got Errol Parker here, editor at large.
Now today's guest is one I've been wanting to ... |
cracked | when_nerd_worlds_collide_fantasy_football_vs_larp | They're running back or receiver in my flex spot? Yeah. Hey buddy. What is that?
Why do you sound like you're in slow motion or? Sorry about something. Sue. We're sorry about being in slow motion.
Alright. Why don't I just get a text from you? That's my username and password. I kinda need you to put my line up in for... |
cracked | disturbing_things_surgeons_want_to_tell_you_but_can_t | If you think about it, surgery is kind of insane. Hey there, stranger. Some other strangers told me you're pretty smart, so go ahead and cut me open with all the knives you have. I'll go to sleep while you do it. Here's all the money I will ever make. But actually, it's even weirder than that. Sorry.
If your heart sto... |
SaturdayNightLive | bitch_slap_method_saturday_night_live | The following is a prepaid television commercial. The opinions expressed in this program do not reflect those of this station or its affiliates.
Do you want to save your marriage? I'm Samantha Hawkins and in the next half hour I'm going to tell you about a revolutionary method to save your marriage. You'll hear from c... |
cracked | the_horrifying_truth_about_living_inside_a_tv_show_after_hours | And then once I'm the rap battle king of Brooklyn, Neil deGrasse Tyson will have to give me his telescopes. Right? Anyway, I figure that's enough for the first day. Okay, so New York for Michael. And then the actual New York on a completely different trip for me.
And then a mountain for sorts. It's not a mountain. I'm... |
dropout | tickets | You were supposed to do this one. Ah, my dad. Bad. Hey, where are you? Good, good, man. How are you? I said, where are you?
I'm fine. I'm better than fine, actually. I'm great.
Hey, can you do me a flavor? No, I said flavor instead of favor. But can you go into my drawer and pull out one of the pieces of paper that's... |
SaturdayNightLive | oprah_dr_phil_marriage_counselor_snl | Today Dr. Phil confronts the pain of an imperiled marriage next.
Okay, I hear there's a woman in the audience who's 92 and it's her birthday. Leela Belle Nolan, Happy Birthday. Leela Belle, what a great name.
Okay, today we're gonna get real with Dr. Phil. he's here to attempt to rescue a troubled relationship. and i... |
SaturdayNightLive | pre_super_bowl_pre_game_preview_snl | Alright, football fans, this is the pre-super Bowl, pre-game preview. And we're all pretty excited about the Big Showdown tomorrow in New Orleans. Yes, Bill, it will definitely be the highlight of the football season. I would say it was the highlight of the entire sports year, Jessica. No, it's the highlight of the ent... |
dropout | hardly_working_adult_outbreak | No, I think my favorite parts are the ones that go like... Well, agree to disagree, Emily.
Hello, everyone. Whoa! Look at Mr. Buttonup over here. Would you come from a wedding or a funeral?
No, I just started thinking, you know, I'm 28, and maybe it's time to start dressing like an adult. You know? No, no. I don't kn... |
cracked | 6_iconic_movie_scenes_stolen_from_older_movies | The size of that thing. Oh my goodness. It's big isn't it? Can we really break that?
How many guns you think go five? About 20 guns. How many guns you think are out, Trevor?
A thread of yours. A competitor. He was good. He was very, very good. Trust me.
Most men don't enjoy taking money from women. They don't always... |
TheOnion | Blanket_Of_Snow_Creates_Illusion_That_Town_Not_A_Total_Shithole | A new teen trend of walking wet and nude couldn't have caught on at a worse time. A man unknowingly purchases a lifetime supply of condoms, and a taxpayer is outraged. And lo, the Lord said unto the Israelites, Look unto the heavens and you shall see a news review program to rival the greatest wonders of the earth. Thi... |
TheOnion | Erin_Bares_It_All_Sex_House_Ep_4 | Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This is Sex House. Welcome to Sex House.
We can't take the garbage outside so it started to really smell. There's something wrong with this pumpernickel. The only thing we got to eat is this pumpernickel bread and now it's all covered in this white ... |
SaturdayNightLive | george_w_bush_explains_his_deal_with_china | We interrupt this program in order to bring you the following address from the President of the United States. good evening, my fellow Americans. As all of you are aware, exactly one week ago, the Chinese government seized and refused to surrender a U.s. Navy Ep-3 surveillance plane, along with its crew of 24. what fol... |
SaturdayNightLive | obama_for_america_mitt_romney_ad_snl | I am Barack Obama and I approve this message, but I'm not real proud of it. I don't think Mitt Romney understands what he's done to people's lives by closing this plan. I don't think he even cares. Mitt Romney and Bain Capital made millions for themselves and then closed this steel plant.
Not long after I lost my job,... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Jacqui_To_The_Rescue_An_Anti_Vaxxers_Game_Plan_A_Tough_Year_More_November_26 | Welcome back to the Matuda Advocate weekly news bulletin on the home stretch here, December is right around the corner, the Christmas parties have begun, everywhere's opening up, things are looking good. We hope you're enjoying yourselves this morning as much as we are, you're joined by myself Clancy Overall, we've got... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_179_The_Screaming_Jets | Yeah, yeah and you know it's no longer the novel coronavirus, I guess we're all very familiar with it now and we're very over it, but that said we are lucky here in Queensland because the state favoured by God is free of the shit and today's guest is also in a similar situation, he's down there in the Free State, thank... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Great_Films_Too_Painful_To_Watch_Twice | Today we're going to talk about great films that are too painful to watch twice, at least in theory. Most people's experience when they watch a great movie is you want to watch it again, maybe right away. But there's another class of great films that fill you with dread at the thought of seeing them again. The first fi... |
TheOnion | should_animals_be_doing_more_for_animal_rights | I'm Juliana Mechanis, sitting in for Clifford Banes, who is hunting down the scumbag who killed his father. PETA has been fighting for animal rights for decades, with little success. Shouldn't animals be helping more to win the fight for their rights? Well, I'll tell you, right now, it's a very, every animal for itself... |
dropout | Tinder_Profile_Picture_Day_Animated_Edition | Okay, so I've got all sorts of backgrounds you can choose. Just pick whichever you think will be the best Tinder picture. Great, do you have Nagasaki?
This is gonna go terribly. I don't think that Disney sends the mature, sensual vibes you think it does. That's my entire personality!
I understand your butt looks nice... |
dropout | hardly_working_bathroom_lock | Then they kicked me out of the jumper fan club. Oh, I'll talk to Maurice. I'll get you back in. Thank you. I got to the bathroom.
Oh, check out the new locks, man. They're super high-tech.
Hello. Please place your right hand on the screen. Welcome back, Daniel Garret or Bill Rich. Hello.
It has been one day, two hou... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_21_10_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah News Bulletin. It is Monday the 21st and of course the wallabies were fucking robbed over the weekend.
No need to dwell on that. No, no need to dwell on it.
The All Blacks are cheats as well so we'll move ri... |
SaturdayNightLive | mark_wahlberg_talks_to_animals_snl | And now, Mark Wahlberg talks to animals. hey, I'm Mark Wahlberg. you guys know me. let's go talk to some animals. Hey, dog, how's it going? I like your fur. that looks really great. So you're a dog, right? what's that all about?
Okay. well, it was great to meet you. say hi to your mother for me, Okay? Now I'm gonna ta... |
SaturdayNightLive | wedding_venue_saturday_night_live | You've dreamed about this day forever. the day of your gay wedding. And shouldn't the most special day of your life be celebrated at the most special place on earth? New Moscow? Ground Zero coming this fall. there's so much more than a mosque. it's gonna have a gym, a swimming pool, a child care center, and it's the pl... |
dropout | can_music_start_a_party_anywhere_social_music_experiment_2 | Music. It can do anything. Get you high. Get you naked. Get you laid.
I'm Reggie Watts. Here's my buddy Asif. We're two badass sociomusicologists. Welcome to The Social Music Experiment. I'm Reggie Watts.
As a sociomusicologist, I loved a party. I just wish there were more of them. In more places. Which is why today ... |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_monologue_responsibility_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin. good evening, good evening, and welcome to Saturday Night Live. First of all, I wanna wish you all happy Holidays. And I say happy Holidays because I mean it, whether you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or even some other weird astrology cult that you believe in, but everyone else kn... |
dropout | how_to_talk_dirty | talking dirty it seems like everywhere you turn someone is practicing it these days from your grocer at the local supermarket to your best friend at the beauty parlor talking dirty has become a mainstream method for modern couples to achieve intimacy in the bedroom now let's look at a real-life application I want to fu... |
SaturdayNightLive | firing_line_spontaneous_combustion_of_black_entertainers_snl | Doctor, I'd like to begin by axing you a question, if I may. to what do you attribute the sudden flammability of Negroes in the 80s? Well, we all know that throughout the years, blacks have always been, because of pigment, more heat conductive. But I believe that because of evolution, the black man is becoming more fla... |
dropout | nice_try_ihop_with_lance_reddick | They're everywhere. Mall parking lots, off the interstate, and the sickest part is you probably don't even know it. Old IHOPs pretending to be different businesses. It's the biggest goddamn scam in the country and I'm here to expose the scumbags behind it one IHOP at a time.
This is nice try, IHOP. I've played Officer... |
cracked | 4_fan_fiction_subgenres_so_weird_they_re_inspiring_cracked_responds | I want to talk to you about fanfic. It's a thing everybody on the internet is doing very creatively, but I thought I'd get into some fanfic that I think has passed anything you've ever seen before. There's a whole fanfic category all about Pong, basically the first video game.
No, not about ping pong. That would make ... |
dropout | every_7_seconds_the_date | They say a man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's obviously impossible. Right? That's funny.
So, do you have any hidden talents? I do have this one thing I do, it's called Tiny Mouth.
Here we go. Oh my god.
Pretty good. Yeah. Oh, do you like that? What? Do you like the wine? Yes. Yeah, it's good. Or is it?... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_airplane_baby_snl | Good Evening, folks. We've just reached cruising altitude, and we'll be turning off those seatbelt signs. Enjoy Your flight. Hey, y'all. I Just wanted to say it's my baby's first time flying, so I apologize in advance for little Eddie here. I'm flying without my husband, so bear with me, please. Well, I've been there b... |
dropout | start_up_guys_back_to_school | and monetize also for third parties. Now, speaking of third parties, we have two very special speakers here today. I met them briefly while consulting for a small media company.
So please help me welcome Hunter Funke and Brody Branch. All right, how's it going guys? Hey guys, good to be here.
Wow, can't believe it. R... |
dropout | the_six_monsters_you_ll_have_as_roommates | Here's you. Here's the college you're going to. And here are the six monsters you'll have for roommates. Well, not literal monsters, but you'll see.
He's a perfect model of efficiency. Helpful. Friendly, even. He doesn't really understand your more human imperfections. His programming is rigid and well-defined.
Viola... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_alex_moffat_and_kyle_mooney_snl | This week marks two years since the beginning of the first Covid Lockdown. And let's just say some people have handled the stress better than others.
Russia has passed a fake news law that makes it illegal for any organization to report information that contradicts what the government says, which explains the recent h... |
SaturdayNightLive | tiny_ass_bag_snl | Are you tired of carrying around a big bag looking like you're about to donate stuff to Google? Does your big bag make you look like you're always coming home from sleepaway camp or serving in the army? Well, try. Tiny-ass Bag. My bag is small, but I am big.
You don't like it? Kiss my rear.
We are Rogelio. Maria Jose... |
cracked | 7_movie_jokes_you_missed_if_you_only_speak_english | Seven jokes, you're gonna speak English. He serenaded me with a beautiful old Guatemalan love song.
Really? That's... That's... sounds nice.
We're not gonna be using blanks this time. You can't be serious.
Yeah. Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over. What do you say, what do you say? Do you take German? French. ... |
TheOnion | Knicks_Trade_Jeremy_Lin_For_Selfish_Asshole_Who_Plays_Knicks_Style_Basketball | Not even the AFC South? No! What about the Mountain West? Doc, I'm telling you, there's no more football.
Now do that thing that makes us all sick. In 1979, I ate a plate of fish so sour that it nearly killed me with food poisoning. It was disgusting and sometimes sports disgust me too. This is sour fish.
Alright, ga... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Biden_Texts_Albanese_Florida_Moves_To_Ban_Round_The_Twist_Episode_AFL_Creates_New_Rule | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Rap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate Weekly News Board and my name is Clancy Overall. I am as I said as walking into this booth catastrophically hungover because we finished I guess I'll be honest about it really we had a rap party last nig... |
SaturdayNightLive | pete_davidson_cold_open_snl | This week we saw the horrible images and stories from Israel and Gaza and I know what you're thinking. Who better to comment on it than Pete Davidson?
Well, in a lot of ways I am a good person to talk about it because when I was seven years old, my dad was killed in a terrorist attack. So I know something about what t... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jojo_siwa_on_gay_pop_and_her_bad_girl_era_snl | Former child star Jojo Siwa just released her first grown-up single, Karma, and surprised fans by debuting a new good Girl Gone Bad persona. here to comment is: Jojo Siwa. Wow. Oh my God, Jojo. that's what I call it. Yeah, Jojo, this is a very different look. you know, we're all used to you wearing outfits like this. b... |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_meat_murder | On the one hand, eating meat is unethical. No question about it. On the other hand, I'm a bad person, and I don't care. I just hate that vegetarians are always pushing their beliefs on me.
Like, we'll be at a cookout, and I'm like, hey man, you want a burger? And they're like, no thanks, Dan. And I'm like, shut up, yo... |
dropout | the_mad_republican_tea_party | I'll very marry on Independence Day to me. To you? To me! Oh you! I'll very marry on Independence Day to you. To me? That's who! Pardon me, but on Independence Day? What's that? It's what we have to celebrate now that our country has been taken over by a raging socialist!
Why that doesn't sound like much fun at all. T... |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_wrestling_sounds_to_non_wrestling_fans | welcome to the official WWJD free snack job showcase we have with us in the studio today WWJD legend lug nut everybody thank you Clifford so happy to finally be here and out of that maze well we're dying to know lug nut what are your predictions for tonight's lineup well bison it's so tough to tell we got so many great... |
dropout | everyone_s_junk_mad_cow_disease_and_mermaid_sex_collegehumor_comment_show | Welcome to the new comment show, the new-ish comment show. Why? In the past, we've answered your questions from the YouTube comments, or responded to your YouTube comments, but this week we're doing things a little differently. Ooh. This isn't your dad's comment show. Yeah.
These comments come from our Facebook page, ... |
cracked | why_metal_gear_solid_v_is_for_babies_escort_mission | Hey buddy, whatcha do? Shhh. Okay, nope, you're not getting me with the the game can hear you thing again. Now for the fourth time. Not shhh. The game can hear you. Shhh. I can hear you. And I don't want to. I'm concentrating.
You're literally sitting there on a horse wearing a poncho and an eye patch. So unless the g... |
Wizards_with_Guns | what_your_dad_watches_every_night | And it looks like burrito zippers are here to stay. In other news, today in Washington, Congress votes on the controversial legislation bill that would make all American laws legal in the United States. We've gathered a panel of top political analysts to discuss the topic.
Gentlemen, what do you think of all this? I d... |
dropout | If_Google_Was_a_Guy_Quarantine_Edition_Part_2 | Let me guess, a question that has absolutely nothing to do with coronavirus or the quarantine or... It's about coronavirus. It is? Yes. Really? Yes. Okay, let's hear it. Coronavirus called Budweiser virus in Mexico?
DIY haircut. Using a pair of clippers. Carefully, whoa. Shaved my head. Shaved your head.
Face mask? W... |
TheOnion | Concentric_Circles_Emanating_From_Glowing_Red_Dot | We just got word on some breaking news, a series of concentric circles have begun emanating from this glowing red dot in the big blue area over my left shoulder. The circles are colliding with the multiple green misshapen objects approximately two inches away from the pulsating dot. Joining us now is a concentric circl... |
dropout | not_enough_dishes_for_friendsgiving | Katie, this all smells amazing. Thank you so much for hosting, friends. Oh, of course. Any time. You know I love cooking for friends. Aww, don't we love being here? Absolutely.
Should we open up the wine? I'll grab cups. I'm so sorry, guys. I don't imagine plates or cups or really anything. It's usually just me, so I ... |
dropout | hardly_working_cool_english_teacher_3 | Howdy-doody, skinny ninnies and bony cronies. Mr. G is back and better than Ezra.
Think fast. Okay, why? How? No reason.
I was fired for my job at the high school. Suffice it to say, if you steal PTA funds, tenure does not protect you. If I knew diamonds would not win my wife back, I wouldn't have bought them.
Alrig... |
dropout | we_played_the_duck_dynasty_ps4_game_bleep_bloop_reunion | Hey everybody, welcome to Bleak Loop. I am Jeff Rubin here with Dan Kline, John Gabers, and of course Pat Castles. We are getting back together this one time only because we had to play Duck Dynasty for the PlayStation 4. These guys are like judging us right now. Yeah, this guy's four of us versus four of us. I mean, j... |
dropout | how_being_in_public_feels_men_vs_women | Oh, no. This creepy guy keeps messaging me. Ugh, what is he saying? He said, I'm going to kill myself if you don't respond, and then he just wrote marry me like a thousand times. Gross. I'd never know what to say with guys like that. No.
You should just friend him. You know, I do that with the women who reach out to m... |
TheOnion | New_Wearable_Computer_Also_Sucks_Your_Dick | It's being called the must-have tech gadget of the year. The Samsung Apex, which hits shelves today, streams video into your left eye, internet into your right eye, and sucks your dick all at the same time. Buzz has been building for the Apex. At a recent press event, Samsung promoted the device as the future of techno... |
dropout | BTK_Killer_Gives_a_Foreboding_Weather_Forecast_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Pe... |
TheOnion | Adults_Go_Wild_Over_Latest_In_Childrens_Picture_Book_Series | Anticipated books of the year is finally hitting the shelves now. Of course, I'm talking about Green Man Blue Cat, the sixth installment in the wildly popular Barkley Mitchell Green Man series. Now, of course, the books were originally written for children ages two to five. That's right. But they're not just for kids. ... |
dropout | camp_bunk_talk | Hey! Are you guys asleep?
Uh, no? Nope.
Hey guys, do you guys think you'll want to send your kids to camp, you know, like when you're like, older, like, dads and stuff? No kids for me. I'm just gonna chill and roll with my hot wife. Yeah right, Timmy. You wish. Yeah, you'd be lucky to marry a big wooden log, you dumb... |
dropout | no_i_eat_more_garbage | God, I've been eating like such trash lately. Oh same. Last night I'm such a mess. I ate two bags of chips for dinner. Oh yeah, last night I got so sad I snarfed an entire bag of Hawaiian rolls. That's really like an appetizer for me, cause I just so really truly eat like trash.
No?
I eat like trash. You know, I'm so... |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_George_Clooney_Won_t_Leave_Trailer | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the news show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Stephan... |
dropout | this_torture_method_actually_sounds_quite_lovely | Huh, did that do it? I don't think so.
But we might have time to learn about one of the most horrific punishments ever devised. The ancient Persians would sometimes kill people using these.
Oh, cute. Would you still think so if I told you this type of execution was called... The Boat! Yeah, I like boats. Well, it's n... |
cracked | the_rise_of_the_crowdwork_comedian_has_mixed_reviews_ | So, I feel pressured to do a TikTok crowdwork video, but I don't want to- Recently, there has been a stark rise in crowdwork comedians, but a lot of other comics, like Mark Maron, clearly aren't into it. Pete Holmes and Sam Jay were also just talking about this. Of course, crowdwork has its merits. You know, comics do ... |
dropout | nicolas_cage_s_agent | All right, listen to me. You're Nicolas Cage. No one can ever take that away from you.
All right, for example, this just came in today. I've got it right here. You'd be playing a prisoner who asks if he can leave, and the warden says yes. And then I leave? Yeah, that's it.
Not a very interesting story. So this is the... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_anthony_crispino_saturday_night_live | Well, there was a lot of big news this summer, But here again with the second-hand news is our second-hand news correspondent, Anthony Crispino. hey, how you doing, Seth? hey, it's good to be back, huh? hey, did you lose weight? Oh, yeah, maybe a little. Oh, I'm just messing with you. come on, Seth. Oh. okay.
So anywa... |
TheOnion | DEA_Official_Announces_Successful_Drug_Bust_On_Son_s_Room | I am proud today to announce the success of a DEA drug operation which has resulted in the seizure of over one-eighth of an ounce of marijuana and three pieces of drug paraphernalia. DEA agents seized the drugs from the bedroom of one Matt Lovejoy, a 16-year-old resident of Arlington, Virginia, at 11.44 a.m. this morni... |
dropout | behind_the_children_s_music | Hey guys, we teamed up with adaptive studios to make a really weird mockumentary about six musicians trying to make it big It's called downbeat. Here's an episode. We hope you like it This next song is based on the concept of the hedonic treadmill This is the notion that we're bored by the things that make us happy and... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_first_secret_they_tell_the_president_ | You have one more meeting. Uh, okay. What's this one about? I'll be right outside. Oh, sorry. Oh, no. No worries.
I'm just sorry I scared you so bad. I wasn't scared. You were scared.
Really? My below average stature doesn't frighten you? Uh, yeah, no. They, uh, showed me the alien chamber. Oh, the one by the hell po... |
cracked | 3_ways_to_save_james_bond_from_total_irrelevancy | Do you remember the most iconic moment of the entire James Bond franchise? That time he almost got his penis mutilated? Well, that moment's a great metaphor for our current era. In this metaphor, James Bond is James Bond, and the laser is what Spectre is doing to his franchise. We must save James Bond's penis by making... |
cracked | explaining_all_the_resident_evil_movies_1_6 | I'll only give you the antidote and let you go once you've watched and explained the entire Resident Evil movie franchise. What? Why?
Before science. Ugh. Man, I hate science. I've been a bad, bad girl.
Well anyway, the first movie opens with some exposition about a megacorporation so ubiquitous their products are es... |
cracked | why_willy_wonka_is_the_first_torture_porn | Willy Wonka is such a good book, and the movies are super fun. Well, I mean, I prefer the first one more than the remake, but still, you know, good fun, fun times. I mean, who wouldn't love a movie about a guy who has a magical chocolate factory and invites a group of kids to come and tour it and then, you know, tortur... |
cracked | women_on_the_red_carpet_get_sh_tty_questions_today_s_topic_scarlett_johansson_mindy_kaling | Ugh! Did you see this thing with Ryan Seacrest? How at the Academy Awards he asked Scarlett Johansson whether she took her shoes for a test run. Do you actually wear the shoes that you're wearing tonight for the rehearsal? What a ridiculous question. I mean that is so dumb! Why does this happen in every award show? Fem... |
cracked | we_remade_tenet_for_20 | All I have for you is a word. Tenet. It'll open the right doors. Some of the wrong ones, too. Here's the key to my room.
To do what I do, I need some idea of the threat we face. As I understand it, we're trying to prevent World War III.
No. Something worse. Asteroid. No. Tsunami. Negative. Stripper prohibition. No. I... |
cracked | 5_reasons_the_guy_fixing_your_computer_hates_you | Five reasons the guy who's fixing your computer hates you. By our calculations, about 96% of all computer repairs aren't done by a tech guru or the geek squad, but by a friend who is nothing more than an average computer user that knows how to look up error messages on Google. The vast majority of computers that the co... |
cracked | why_no_one_at_the_rnc_wants_to_mention_trump | Hello and welcome to another episode of topical cure the only news show willing to say the world isn't actually ending and everything You're worried about is actually more boring and inconsequential than you anticipated Fuck the ratings. I know it's not sustainable at all Anyway, I'm your two-dimensional monotonously h... |
cracked | batman_was_sexually_repressed_from_the_beginning_of_time_canonball | Everybody knows that Batman is a big-time rules guy. A galaxy-brained supervillain move would be to get him hooked on German board games. He'd never leave his fat cave. His personal code of conduct generally boils down to no guns and no killing. But what DC doesn't want you to know is that there's a secret slate of sha... |
dropout | collegehumor_all_nighter_2012 | So what are you guys gonna do? Somebody stable my eyelids open. We're all having, honestly, a really good time. How on earth did you think this would be appropriate? Is that so hard to believe?
It's the all-nighter. The all-nighter!
Yes! Is this a prank? It's everything you need. And it is crazy. Bull! What'd I miss?... |
dropout | everyone_is_an_asshole | When you picture an asshole, just what do you see? A fedora-clad guy with a stupid goatee? Or maybe an eye banker straight from the 80s who screams in his cellphone and drives a Mercedes? A frat guy who reeks of deodorant smell? That fucker named Tucker who wants beer in hell?
Yes, these are all assholes, the biggest ... |
SaturdayNightLive | nfl_gives_back_snl | On the field, we're athletes, but off the field it's our job to give back to serve the community. That's why this offseason Nfl players are using their strength for an important charitable cause. lifting women whose boyfriends can't pick them up.
Got it from me? A boss. I got you man. Oh, what do you weigh 80 pounds?
... |
dropout | grant_has_a_gambling_problem_heist_night_4_5 | Remember, everyone needs to execute their job perfectly or the plan won't work. Rekha's on her way. Showtime people. Got the marbles ready to spin. I'm partying hard at the bar. You fools better remember the tip. I'm ready to reduce, reuse, and recycle. You know what they say, the house always... Red 13!
Fuck!
Grant,... |
dropout | this_comedian_is_shockingly_honest_and_a_piece_of_bread | Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we have a new comic coming to the stage. We're really excited here at Chuckles Town, USA, and please put your hands together for Mr. whole wheat bread.
Whoops. Y'all.
Well, I got married. I took the plunge. Let's hear it for marriage.
Boo. I like it. Boo. Look. Sorry, guys.
Look, let's t... |
cracked | disney_owns_you_lucasfilm | Hi, my name's Michael Swain, and me and my pal Abe Epperson made most of the cool videos on Cracked for about 12 years. We even did a movie once. Now we're trying to make another movie about the time my dad came out as a gay furry. It's funny as fucking balls, and we need your help to get it done. Please, head to SeedA... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_eyepet | Let's see what he can do. Oh, I, well, hello there! Welcome! We've been expecting you.
How can you not afford to get Beakman? I'm hypnotized by the blinking light. Yeah. You don't even need the PlayStation. How late?
Oh, this is it. Oh, great. Oh, this is it. Oh, great.
Your eye pets arrived. Let's take a look insid... |
dropout | my_boss_is_a_dick_music_video | Free, cause my boss is running me His name is Sammy Preaches Bides He's no taller than Five Five Working in New York City Corrupted high on 11th Street Writing comedy for Sam He's probably only like 4'10 My boss is a dick And he don't know shit His name is Sam And he's full of them Sam Rice, Sam Rice He's my boss Sam R... |
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