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TheOnion | Zebras_Nature_s_Ultimate_Prey_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_1 | The zebra of the plains is perpetually hunted by a myriad of merciless predators. With no purpose other than to feed monsters, the zebra spends its entire life standing around awaiting a violent death. They are nature's ultimate prey. The zebra paces the earth, patiently going through the motions of life, knowing that ... |
cracked | the_importance_of_reaching_out_to_old_teachers_people_watching_8 | Okay, that's all for now. You will finish reading chapter two for tomorrow, please. Thank you. Ted, would you stay for a minute, please? I guess. What did I do now? You did this creative writing assignment, Ted, and you did a tremendous job. I just wanted to let you know that. Did I? Okay.
This is a really good story ... |
dropout | hardly_working_evil_chair | What, I needed a new chair for my bad back, and the guide office Mac said that one is awesome for lower lumbar support, and also something about drawing from the power of the dark arts, but I wasn't really listening. I was wasted. It's incredibly creepy looking, okay? I'm pretty sure it doesn't cast a shadow. And it's ... |
cracked | being_a_jerk_method_donttouchmethere_com | Face it, you're a loser, a total wisp bag who never gets laid. Hi, I'm master pickup artist The Method, and I have traveled the world over, gathering the most sophisticated techniques for meeting and bedding women. It's called the Being a Joke Method, and all the rules you follow to attract girls in middle school still... |
dropout | which_game_of_thrones_character_is_in_your_bed | We were not expecting you to be nude when we did this bed. This game is called Who's in Your Bed? You're gonna do, like, a 20 questions type thing where you ask me yes or no questions until you figure out who's in your bed.
Oh. No, I saw him. He was a big man, even hunched. Is he an actor? Yes. Oh, Christ. Do I know h... |
dropout | Sibling_Intuition | Hey, and welcome to Tales from the Closet. This is a show for queer people.
Today we are joined, I'm joined with three people I'm very excited to talk to today. And you know what, I'm just gonna jump right into it. I'm so giddy.
To my left, who are you? How do you identify, what are you up to? Yeah, well, I'm Brad, I... |
TheOnion | Most_Children_Go_Missing_The_Moment_Parent_Turns_Attention_Toward_Themself_For_One_Goddamn_Second | Sex. Is it just for adults? Experts have weighed in with a resounding yes.
Plus, could global warming have a negative impact on wineries? A new study says ones in areas that will soon be forever engulfed in flames could be at risk.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and I hope... |
TheOnion | Sidney_Crosby_Tells_Telephone_Pole_He_Has_Recovered_From_Concussion | Get out of my face before I force feed you a large plate of pasta. I'm Kenny Kennedy. And I'm Doc Brooks, and get out of my beautiful face. Ah, quit slobbering on that mirror, Doc. You need to save your strength for the face-off.
Hockey's starting tonight with Sid the Kid on the bench, but there is good news. Crosby i... |
SaturdayNightLive | wade_blasingame_snl | I'm Wade Glazy Game. No, not the ball player, the attorney-at-law.
Let me ask you a question. would it be okay if someone did this to you? Ah! ah! how about if they did this? who are you? what are you doing in my yard? is it right for someone to do this to you? No. then why is it okay if a dog does it? it's not.
Sue ... |
dropout | stealing_candy_from_babies | So, it's Halloween, and I'm a sexy bee, and Plum is still mad at me. So to make it up to where I'm going to go trick or treat, I'm going to get her a ton of candy.
Excuse me. Coming through.
Trick or treat!
Oh, wow. Look at all the scary girls and boys. It's bumblebee or mine. That's right. Oh, my goodness, Mom. She... |
cracked | 6_most_one_sided_fights_in_movie_history | The climax of any good cinematic adventure should be an intense ultimate battle forged of pure destiny. Not unlike the one between Connor McCloud and the kurgan at the end of Highlander. Or the one between Sam Neill and his own face at the end of Event Horizon.
But sometimes the final fight winds up being more vaudevi... |
dropout | hardly_working_gale_beggy_2 | Alright, so next up we have a guest speaker who's going to talk about some new office equipment we'll be getting. Oh, hi. Hi. It's so nice to see everyone in the same room.
Uh, Jessica. Sarah. Mike. Kevin. Kyle. My name.
Sanderson. Morning. Sanderson?
Am I saying that right, baby? Uh, Bayan. My name's Dan. Flannel. ... |
cracked | proof_that_life_in_exile_is_driving_edward_snowden_insane_cracked_responds | You ready for this Randall so ready Edward Snowden released a music video right Edward Snowden if no one knows Is in hiding right now because he revealed a lot of secrets about the government. So this is official This isn't a fan video. No, this is this is a team up with Edward Snowden and Jean Michel Jaure This is a m... |
cracked | 7_movies_that_didn_t_realize_they_were_remakes_the_dark_knight_rises_the_simpsons_movie | Seven weirdly similar movie plots. Slowly on the big screen.
People of Gotham, we have not abandoned you. What does that mean? It means we're on our own. What are you telling us?
We're trapped like rats? No, rats can't be trapped this easily. You're trapped like carrots. We know and endure. I have to save Springfield... |
dropout | these_weed_names_are_not_chill | We're 20 baby finally I have been so stressed out lately I just need something to calm me down and chill me out totally yeah all right look I got og kush I got silver haze I got train okay train rake is gonna be a little too intense for me I guess I'll go with og kush stop do not make a decision yet my partner works at... |
cracked | 7_deleted_scenes_that_were_really_necessary_to_the_plot | Seven deleted scenes You can breathe okay, as long as nobody unplugs him.
It's not good enough The father's AHHH AHHH AHHH Restrain him Rogue But there is always urge to manage here Locked in his tower And there, Saruman must remain And I will tell you where your doom will be decided I will not be held to the nightmar... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_denzel_washington_and_halle_berry_on_being_black_oscar_winners_snl | As you all know, history was made at the 74th Academy Awards when African-americans took home both best actor and best actress. here now, fresh off their Oscar wins, are Denzel Washington and Halle Berry. Thank you. thank you. thank you. thanks. thanks, Tina. thanks. you're welcome. Denzel, you've had a few weeks to ce... |
cracked | explaining_all_the_underworld_movies | I've used ancient vampire magic to seal those leather pants onto your legs. The only way to remove them will be to watch and explain the entire underworld movie timeline. I thought vampires couldn't do mirrors. Common misconception. So underworld, huh? Is that like a waterworld sequel but instead of a world covered in ... |
TheOnion | Is_It_Time_For_The_Osweiler_Family_To_Admit_The_Brock_Osweiler_Experiment_Has_Failed | Okay, are the online listeners finished with that auto-playing advertisement? Excellent. Okay, I know this is going to stir up a little controversy, but I can't hold back on this one.
I think it's time for the Osweiler family to admit that the Brock Osweiler experiment has failed. Now clearly, Kathy and John had high ... |
SaturdayNightLive | doctor_s_office_snl | Sure, you don't want to use any drugs for the delivery? Well, we've thought about it and we really want to have a natural birth. Funny. a couple of dope heads like you thought we'd jump at a chance to get high illegally. excuse me, we are not drug addicts. huh?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? did you just tell me I... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | prime_minister_malcolm_turnbull_launches_betoota_s_australia | Thanks for coming along everyone. This book that we're talking about today is pretty much channeling our greater ethos as a newspaper and I'd like to pass over from Mr Turnbull to talk about that and the position we play in the Australian media and the state of the Australian media in general. Well thank you very much ... |
cracked | the_most_absurd_moments_in_corporate_facebook_history | Corporations are never going away, and neither is social media, and betwixt the two is something special. Social media for big corporations.
Now, I understand why they do this. It's their job, and I understand why that job exists. It's a necessity for any company in today's social, shared, tastic, lol, OMG, Twitter ty... |
cracked | why_the_cops_won_t_help_you_when_you_re_getting_stabbed | If you've ever been on the internet, I mean, you're here right now, you probably wound up in the comments section of at least one article about a mass shooting, some other kind of killing spree, and seeing dozens of assholes make comments like, Dude, if I was there, I would have totally stopped that guy. I totally know... |
dropout | powerthirst_2_re_domination | what if everything you ever wanted came in a rocket car power thirst rocket edition with all new flavors like banana fizzbitch and gun you've had the worst now try the thirst power thirst side effects include glowing sweat use your sweaty body to fuel sweet rave parties anything is possible sport you'll invent cuz you'... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | China_On_High_Alert_A_Clueless_Christian_Porter_Gladys_Fires_A_Shot_More_September_17 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin recording live here in the Diamantina coming to you on either wireless, spotify or wherever it is you get these digital radio shows known as podcasts, you're joined by myself Clancy Ov... |
TheOnion | Second_Amendment_Activist_Defends_Guns_As_Essential_For_Starting_Foot_Race_At_Town_Midsummer_Jubilee | At this point, vocalizing any support for gun rights, no matter the level, is seen as a faux pas. I can't tell you how many times I've heard I'm wrong from my beliefs on gun ownership.
But I won't be silenced, because our Second Amendment rights are crucial for starting the annual foot race at the Midsummer Jubilee. G... |
dropout | troopers_lost_in_translation | Hey, shut up! Whoa! Come on, Larry. What? He's screaming. Oh, you are so ignorant. He's just asking where we're going. You understood him? I took two credits of Lizard and Junior College, so yeah. I understood him. Oh, see?
He's thirsty. And hungry. And he loves our spines. Huh.
He sounds like he's threatening us. No... |
SaturdayNightLive | sabra_shopping_network_snl | Live from general area. Times Square is Sabra Shopping Network.
All right, so you call up and you buy. it's no big deal. I am Uri. Okay, so we're going to show you merchandise. you're going to call up and buy it. it's good merchandise, all right? So let's go. Okay, okay. today, we are going out of business. it's very ... |
SaturdayNightLive | darnette_disposable_toilets_ad_saturday_night_live | Your bathroom sparkles. What about the toilet? it's just not sanitary. you try scrubbing and cleaning, but it's all a huge hassle. Now you can have a clean toilet after every use. With new Darnette disposable toilets. these fine porcelain fixtures are only $169.95 each. easy to use and good for just one flush. How do t... |
SaturdayNightLive | herb_welch_junior_high_school_report_saturday_night_live | You're watching Wspd News, New York. good morning everyone, I'm Jack Rizzoli. and I'm Wanda Ramirez. Our top story Today, a junior high school in Long Island has been evacuated after a dangerous carbon monoxide leak. veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who this week celebrated his 70th year with the Network. H... |
dropout | when_you_don_t_recognize_a_friend_request | What's wrong?
I got a friend request from someone, but I don't think I know her. Unless there's more here than meets the eye. Are you suggesting that you actually know this person?
Precisely. In fact, I'm sure of it.
But she could be some sort of porn ad bot. No, no, no. Consider the evidence, Siobhan. Her feed is m... |
TheOnion | Pretend_You_Give_A_Shit_About_The_Election | As you know, there's a presidential election coming up just around the corner, in fact, which can be a very difficult day for the millions of us who just couldn't care less. Well, joining us to help us make it through Election 2008 is Today Now political correspondent Dan Carlisle. Dan, good to see you again, buddy. Ho... |
TheOnion | A_Tale_Of_Two_Singers_America_s_Best_Ep_8 | From every mountainside, let freedom ring. No, no, no. The contestant I killed last year had a much better voice than that. Just imagine how much I want to kill you right now.
I appreciate that it was a public domain song. So, at least it didn't cost us anything.
No, I'm a no. I don't even know you. You're not gettin... |
cracked | why_batman_is_secretly_terrible_for_gotham_after_hours | I'm telling you right now that the winner of this conversation is the one who says Batman is the best and you're an idiot. Batman's the best! You're an idiot.
I already said it. See? I already won. Or Batman in this conversation. Salt, please? You're seeing the bat with rose-tinted bad goggles. There's room for improv... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_your_co_worker_who_is_extremely_busy_doing_seemingly_nothing_snl | According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the five-day work week is over as corporate employees are now accustomed to a flexible hybrid schedule. here to comment is your co-worker who's extremely busy doing seemingly nothing. we booked out an hour for this presentation, but I gotta, I gotta get back. Oh yeah yeah, w... |
Wizards_with_Guns | to_catch_a_predator_hosts_catch_each_other | tonight on creep catchers tonight on perp hunt We've been in contact with a disturbed 30 year old man Pretending to be a 12 year old boy in order to prey on a child who's agreed to meet up tonight But this predator has no idea that the minor he's been sending pictures of his penis penis to has actually been me the whol... |
dropout | dorkly_bits_moonwalker_henchmen_love_mj | Michael! Ooh! We did it! Yeah!
Wow, he's, uh... He's really gone. You're right. What a shame. I was such a big fan of his music. Oh, come on. Yous two are such hypocrites. Yous didn't like him until after we killed him. Yeah, right.
Thriller was like the soundtrack to my childhood. Me too! I always thought The Lady i... |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_back_to_the_future | Back to the Future, a popcorn classic that still stands up as one of the best films of the 80s, as well as one of the few movies to imagine a watertight, scientifically plausible version of time travel that could actually happen. Here's some trivia that will change the way you watch Back to the Future forever. Director... |
SaturdayNightLive | mister_robinson_s_neighborhood_puppet_show_snl | It's one hell of a day in my neighborhood. A hell of a day for a neighbor. would you be mine? could you be mine? I hope I get to move in your neighborhood someday. The problem is is, when I move in, y'all move away. You bring the stands. Go Robinson Road, will you be mine? won't you be mine? won't you be my neighbor?
... |
dropout | if_cats_went_on_talk_shows | Good evening and welcome to The Roundtable, I'm Barry Wilhite. America is purring in anticipation of the upcoming release of Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever, a movie entertainment analyst expect to usher in a new era of internet-based cat movies. Today, I have with me in studio the most famous felines on the internet... |
TheOnion | Nation_Demands_New_Photograph_Of_Edward_Snowden | A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the US invasion. An advanced alien civilization discovers an uninhabitable planet, and a single woman has a Facebook profile picture with her sister. Focus groups found this video bleak, haphazard, and approximately 25 seconds too long. You be th... |
cracked | the_one_skill_rappers_haven_t_bragged_about_yet | Guys?
Boss in the woods, this might not be good Judging by trees that I've been seeing This is not my hood But it's cool, I was a boy scout in high school With my knowledge and nature, I'm like this dry brush Fireproof, in fact my toast is lonely Cause my jam is outside dude I'm glad I stopped smoking, got abandoned b... |
dropout | fanta_for_the_funny_episode_4_attack_of_the_quawja | hahaha everybody can't hook and feel this hey do you mind taking an Instagram picture for me sure does it look sick what was that? new mine update goes off every time I get a like that was really mine are you on Facebook no Instagram yes they're always on social media you don't even listen I'm tweeting about this ridic... |
ClickHole | makeup_tutorial_how_to_make_a_false_face_to_fool_wolves_in_less_than_30_minutes | Hey everyone, it's Shaina here with a fresh makeup tutorial.
Okay ladies, let's talk about wolves. Ugh, yeah. I think I speak for all women when I say there is nothing more mortifying than being at work or on a date and realizing there's a bone-chilling growl emanating from your blind spot.
Today, I'm going to be sho... |
SaturdayNightLive | kristen_wiig_five_timers_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Kristin Wynn! thank you very much. Okay, I am so happy to be back, And I am so excited because it is my fifth time hosting, so I am officially at Primer's Club.
And, oh, you know what, really quick, I realize I haven't had a chance to say hi to the band. do you mind if I just do that really quick... |
dropout | hardly_working_punctuation_recession | Oh! Bum, bum, bum, bum! Oh! Ah!
There's a lot of you probably know, right now we're in recession. We're gonna have to cut some corners if we want to stay afloat. So, as of today, we're cutting back on punctuation. Question marks, commas. These things cost us money. Money that right now we don't have. How the hell can ... |
dropout | the_crucial_man_all_in_one_trimmer | This is the Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Oh, hi there. I'm John Gabers, here to give you all the crucial information you need to become a man, because you can't wear those sweatpants forever. Today, we're going to be talking about grooming. Welcome to Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
So quick q... |
CrackerMilk | our_first_dnd_one_shot | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the kraken milk podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the kraken milk podcast.
Connor I'm so excited to be at your house man. Yeah you guys excited to play dungeons and dragons. Oh boy am I. Yeah I'm actually like I've actually been developing like actually l... |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_game_show_with_zero_games_and_it_s_not_a_show | All right, ladies and gents, it's time to play B-O-U! All right, Peter, are you ready? You bet, Ron. I've always wanted to be on- It's time for the Lightning Round!
Oh, wow! I didn't expect it, so- First question, who's this?
Uh, uh, uh, Abraham Lincoln! Wrong, it was the President!
You were so close! Oh, okay. Next... |
dropout | Finding_the_Perfect_Name_For_Every_Dog_Make_Some_Noise | It's time for the mini game. The mini game is a toss-up. You will notice the buzzers now in front of our players. The game we're playing today is Name That Dog.
I am gonna present you with an image of a dog. You go ahead and name that dog for me. Make sense? Mm-hmm. Your first dog, Zach. Ricky. Ricky's a pretty good n... |
dropout | cockblocked_by_ads | Here at Stamps.net, we aim to fulfill all of your postage needs. Whether you're an avid letter sender or you need to send mail for your business, Stamps.net has gotten...
This is embarrassing. I don't pay for Spotifying, so I get these ads. Don't worry about it. I mean, it's kind of funny.
Stamps.net secure stamp pro... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_xbox_360_home_repair | This is something Xbox 360 owners hate to see. If you get these three red lights, it means the system is broken and needs to be sent in for repair. No one's sure exactly how many Xboxes this affects. Microsoft never put out an official number, but some people put the estimate as high as one in three. So we thought, hey... |
dropout | parents_just_don_t_understand_dad_s_new_phone | The day my dad discovered that his Blackberry had a camera on it was the day my life took a turn for the annoying. On average he'll send me close to 15 pictures a day. About once a week I get a picture of his dad face with a caption like, I'm in a business meeting, LOL, bored, send me a pic of the dog, to which I would... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Katter_Chimes_In_Cash_Rate_Goes_Up_Dutton_Hospitalised_More_August_5 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Bulletin. Thank you for joining us. There's a lot going on in the world.
We're talking NRL scandals, we're talking AFL scandals. The Adelaide Crows are fucking sickos by the sounds of things.
Fucked i... |
cracked | agents_of_cracked_the_most_traumatizing_internet_comment | a touchy pop huh sweet treat for a sweet damn it damn god damn it something the matter Mike get your out of your ears and listen to me for a second will you okay I don't sure shoot I am literally exploding with rage that's not what literally shut the fuck up okay okay you know the internet vaguely all right on the site... |
dropout | troopers_supercomputer | Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, God. Okay, button time. We are screwed. Hey, listen. No.
Nobody has to know we let the princess escape.
Again.
Computer.
Hello, Rich and Abdul. Who's Abdul?
Computer, locate prisoner 1977. Searching. Still searching.
Why is it taking so long? Ah, but it's so many requests for a new computer. ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | humpty_dumpty_had_to_die_ | Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Oh my god! Are you okay? No, I'm not okay! Go get help! Yeah, of course! What's your name?
It's Humpty! Humpty Dumpty!
Really? What? I just... What? Quiet! I just thought you'd be an egg. What? Why? I guess it never really says...
Like an egg? Like for br... |
cracked | 4_plot_holes_you_didn_t_notice_in_your_favorite_movies_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and it turns out movies are like magic.
Really slow, insultingly obvious magic tricks. And we, the audience, are like toddlers who cannot figure out where our nose went. We say plot holes ... |
CrackerMilk | our_fans_choose_our_ideas_crackermilk_podcast | okay sniff it all hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the cracker podcast what is our first improv suggestion internet oh i just i just you're at the factory that makes your new merch and you're inspecting it we're at the crack milk merchandise factory and this one was sent in by jim jim merch just so... |
TheOnion | 12_Year_Old_Boy_Scouts_Offer_To_Give_Breast_Exams | All right, well while I'm getting this spray cheese up off the floor Tracy's gonna be talking to two special young men Who are really making a difference in their community? Thanks, Jim I'm sitting here right now with two very special Boy Scouts Zach Hannaford and Brian Seitz of troop 128 in Whitehall, New York They've... |
SaturdayNightLive | prom_album_saturday_night_live | Ah, it's so great seeing you guys. We've been talking about this forever. I'm glad we finally got our schedules together.
All right, here's some brews to make it for the money. I just want all of you suckers disturb anyone upstairs if I put on some tunes.
You know, I think this was the first song I ever learned on gu... |
SaturdayNightLive | david_pumpkins_returns_snl | Finally, I can't believe we had to wait an hour and a half for our stupid ride. I can.
Cell Block 666 is supposed to be the scariest ride in Fright Night's history. Yeah, there's all these tiktoks of people passing out and puking and stuff. if I pass out, don't help me. film it. and post it. please.
Hello! And welcom... |
SaturdayNightLive | exercise_commercial_saturday_night_live | The following is a paid advertisement. Hey, dummies, you want to get fit, get in shape, get toned, get fit? You need Go-tex flex with thumb pulse. come on! Hey, Winota. hi. how are you doing? hi. what are you doing there? working out on a Go-tex with thumb pulse. let me explain thumb pulse to you guys and anyone else w... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Reese_Bros | And this week we are talking to a couple of stars from the budding arena of TikTok. We've moved on from sporting and musical royalty to a couple of young princes from the world of socials. Yes, if you've been on Instagram or TikTok at a point in the last few months, you've likely seen today's guests who are a lovable c... |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_christian_batman_knockoff_is_worse_than_you_think_ | John Bible hated God and loved eating drugs.
Until he found a special book whose words helped him change his ways and become...
Captain fuckbirds! go on kid lie to your parents they don't have to know that you smoked a cigarette I knew I'd find you alone with a kid ah Captain Bible you're too late Kyle's one fib away... |
dropout | bruce_wayne_is_the_real_criminal | We just took a couple of laptops we're sorry how about we just return them and then we can call it even it's too late when I took up this post as defender of the city I swore I wouldn't rest until every criminal was behind bars I mean in that case you should go up to Bruce Wayne what was that you're talking a little qu... |
dropout | n00b_boyfriend | Hey, Mom, Dad, this is Ryan. Oh, so this is the famous boy we've been hearing so much about. It's nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Leed, and sir.
So Ryan, what Warcraft server do you play on? Is that on the computer? Oh, you know what? I think I forgot the dessert in the car. Who do you think you are bringing his kind i... |
dropout | My_Weekend_Was_the_Plot_of_Mrs_Doubtfire_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Ra... |
SaturdayNightLive | big_boys_snl | When it has arrived y'all temperatures dropping and you know what that means. It's cuffing season that time. Yeah, when we find a man to keep us warm through these cold months, but not just any man will do. That's right. we out here looking for some oh keeps me warm in the winter snow storm when chill is fighting, but ... |
dropout | the_suicidal_radio_dj | We back in the building baby. Power 98.
This is new pepper dawn. Pepper dawn.
I'm proud of you homie. You doing way better than me right now.
You were right back in 98. I should have never invested in Pele Pele. But you know, it's like power 98. It's pepper dawn yo.
Dude this job is straight man but I still had to ... |
SaturdayNightLive | go_karts_snl | All right, folks, welcome to the Funland Go-kart Track. we got a cart stuck out on the track right now, so for now, just sit tight. once we clear it out, we'll have you on your way, all right? Oh, man, this day rocks. we rode rides, played games, and now we're doing Go-karts. Mom, Dad, thanks so much for taking us here... |
TheOnion | Middle_Aged_Waiter_Sadly_Not_Involved_In_Any_Creative_Endeavor | Despite being firmly into his middle age and employed full time as a waiter at local restaurant club Lago, co-workers of area man Phillip Ames told reporters this week that the 48-year-old is unfortunately not involved in any creative enterprises on the side. I always assumed that while Phil was working here, he was al... |
Wizards_with_Guns | please_be_patient_i_m_still_learning_ | Hi. Okay. The grape is purple. Huh? Sorry, what? I would like to own a grape. Please.
Where is, can I find, the grocery store?
Oh. Okay. Um, I hear English is a difficult, it's a difficult language to learn. I'm sorry. I don't speak. Yeah, no worries. I'm just learning, sorry. It's okay. Yes. No. Yes. Sorry.
The man... |
SaturdayNightLive | workout_class_snl | Hey, excuse me, is this butt day at Studio? Thick thighs and nasty romp? it's 9 a.m. on a Thursday, then? yeah, well, it's 10 on Saturday. Oh, we know it's still asked and you'll love the teacher. everyone here calls her Sergeant Cake. Oh great, cuz I'm getting married in a month and I'm trying to drag a wagon down the... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_22_9_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate News Bulletin for Monday the 23rd of September. You're joined today by Clancy Overall, editor of the Petuta Advocate and only Clancy Overall, editor of the Petuta Advocate.
Errol Parker's just ducked over to Japan to watch the Wallabies, he'll be supporting the Wallabies this year. ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_woman_wins_back_to_back_lottos_child_arrested_for_touching_teacher_snl | Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a tunnel that they think leads to the long-lost tomb of Cleopatra.
Cleopatra is, of course, the enchanting queen who seduced both Mark Anthony and Julius Caesar, I assume because she's really funny or something? a woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back-to-back Lotto's... |
dropout | Do_You_Hate_Me_Or_Are_You_Just_Flaky | Come in and sit down. We ought to make this meeting quick, doll.
I have got to find that Lindbergh baby. Oh god. Yeah, I've been reading about him. I hope he's okay. Detective!
You got any leads about my sweet friend Betty? I miss her so much. Her smile, her laugh, the sound of her voice. Oh, where the hell could she... |
TheOnion | ClickHole_Here_s_THE_Perfect_Recipe_For_A_Healthy_20_Minute_Dinner | Hey guys, Mike here. Today we're going to be looking at an easy 20 minute recipe that you yourself can make at home. The best part for all you health nuts out there, this is totally healthy too. So, all you need is a basic cooking pot, one pan, one can of low sodium tomato sauce, some cumin, one pound of whole wheat sp... |
TheOnion | Jodie_Foster_Inspires_Teens_To_Come_Out_Using_Vague_Rambling_Riddles | And I want to be seen, to be understood deeply, and to be not so very lonely. No, I'm kidding, but I'm not really kidding, but I'm kind of kidding. I mean, thank you for the enthusiasm. Can I get a wolf whistle or something?
Jodie Foster is being hailed as a possibly gay icon after kind of coming out during a speech a... |
SaturdayNightLive | question_quest_snl | And now it's time to play question quest. the Question quest, I'm your host, Joe Viben. let's meet our quest testants. First up, she's a Quiz Bowl champion from Columbia University. it's Jen Cochran. Can't wait to play.
Shh! she's the oldest woman in the Navy. it's Michelle Johnson. No, I work at Old Navy. I'm 33. Las... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Avengers_Age_Of_Ultron | We're the Avengers. We can bust arms dealers all the live long day, but that up there, that's the end game. How were you guys planning on beating that? Together.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at the new film Avengers, Age of Ultron, the latest in Marvel's blockbuster fr... |
cracked | the_7_coolest_make_a_wish_foundation_wishes | I'm a badass make a wish I watch mythbusters And they inspired me to blow building up find that hill and fire glorious flag, and I count on you absolutely sir Today go to your inspector This is miles day.
We had a brilliant time I can't imagine it was more fun for him than it was for me If the Jew worked up quite an a... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_252_Simon_Holmes_a_Court | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Tudor Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Hello and welcome back to Decode, the Tudor Advocates political podcast.
It... |
dropout | a_male_artist_tries_to_draw_feminine_products_that_he_s_never_seen_before | Hi guys, I'm Caldwell. I'm Emily. And I'm Siobhan. Emily and Siobhan have prepared a list of feminine products I have never seen before, and now I'm going to attempt to draw them on this tablet right here, then we'll look up what they actually look like, and maybe learn a thing.
It shouldn't be that hard, right? Alrig... |
cracked | why_we_all_take_selfies_and_why_that_s_great | Hi, I'm taking a selfie does that make me an asshole Okay, most of us are guilty of you pose and you snap a selfie But I had a warning for parents harmless selfies can turn into something a little worse harmless selfie can turn into something worse Selfie obsession the year of the selfie selfie nation selfie nation acc... |
dropout | desktop_prank | What the hell man, what is it? Look at your desktop.
Oh my god. Oh man.
What is that? It's an old fashioned prank son. It's my parents having sex and it's on your desktop. What? I better picture my parents having sex and now it's on your desktop. Hey that's not a prank on me man. What? Sarah, look at this. What are y... |
cracked | atlas_shrugged | Who's asking? Someone who knows what it's like to work for himself and not let others feed off the profits of his energy. Who are you? We found a note. What did it say? It said, who is John Galt?
You're the worst of railroad accidents in recent history. A Taggart transcontinental freight train has crashed and derailed... |
cracked | last_guy_to_wear_a_hitler_mustache_in_america_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Frank presents stuff that must have happened! It's nice. The desk is far away. Well, take a seat. Sure. I'm gonna be frank about this.
It's about the mustache. Well, that's a weird way to say promotion, but uh... Mustache, Ralph. Oh, so now he wants one too? It'll make your head look less fat, but sort of my calling c... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_89_Tommy_Murphy | Welcome back to the Battuta advocate radio show you're joined today by myself clancy overall editor and editor at large Earl Parker, how are you Earl? Great to be here Now today's guest we're interviewing is a bit of an icon of the arts if you will Battuta advocate We interview all kinds of people in this radio show sp... |
cracked | 9_types_of_coworkers_to_make_you_want_your_head_to_explode | For those who have worked in an office, you know there are quite a few scenarios that would make, I don't know, having your head explode you to death seem like a pretty swell option. I mean, you didn't pick your coworkers, yet you probably see them more than you see your significant other, right? That's messed up. How ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_181_Nick_Allbrook_Pond | And as this coronavirus situation continues to drag out in the Oz pack, I guess we'll call it. Well, not really. It's only happening in the unwashed south country. Not happening in Queensland and it's not happening in WA.
One man that would be happy with that as well, he's got a lot of family in WA, is today's guest N... |
cracked | great_performances_from_people_who_weren_t_actors_more_this_week_in_epcd_the_rock_david_bowie | Hello everyone, thank you for joining us. Welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture discussion. There's no turning back on that now. This is our weekly pop culture show where we talk about all the most important things happening in pop culture right now that have nothing to do with the president or politics. ... |
dropout | instagram_art_show_ch_shorts | It's like, I like fish, but I don't want to taste it. Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong.
Paul! Rafael, so good of you to come. Thanks for inviting us.
What is this? It's my Instagram art show. You do art? Well, I've been dabbling in it and posting it to Instagram, and people seem to really like it.
Okay, but why... |
SaturdayNightLive | rita_s_screen_door_saturday_night_live | Ooh, here he comes, Bella. the guy from the college is gonna give my Jerome the scholarship. my son's going to Penn State, and yours is in the State pen. Oh, don't listen, Belle. Oh, don't listen, I'm bad. he'll be out in no time, doll.
Oh, Mrs. Del Vecchio. hello. Ted Borman from the College. please come in, have a s... |
cracked | ancient_people_loved_pee_and_other_weird_history_w_the_modern_rogue | Howdy, I'm Brian Brushwood. And I'm Jason Murphy. We're here from the modern rogue.
And we're going to talk about pee. Yeah. So pee, you know it. You love it. We all do. Yeah, big pee fan. Peep peep, urine, golden manna, whatever you want to call it. Love it. Golden manna. Yeah. And you think that you like pee. As you... |
SaturdayNightLive | travis_kelce_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Travis Kelsey! thank you so very much. it's great to be here. And if you don't know, I just won my second Super Bowl. which was amazing, but for me, hosting Snl is that much better. I'm lying to you all. I'm lying, I'm kidding. winning the Super Bowl was way better. But seriously. Seriously, I'm h... |
TheOnion | Only_Difficult_Pistachios_Left_In_Bag | Gorilla sales skyrocket after the latest gorilla attack, AIG blows all the goodwill built up by Wall Street in recent years, and Taylor Swift is now dating James Holmes. It's time for a comprehensive look at this week's news events approved by the Illuminati, Freemasons, and our alien overlords. This is the Onion Week ... |
TheOnion | Modern_Day_Robin_Hood_Living_In_Woods_Shooting_Rich_People_With_Arrows | He's being called a modern day Robin Hood, a mysterious bandit in Syracuse, New York has been sleeping in the woods and shooting rich people with arrows. The sprightly scoundrel's tunic of emerald and skill with a bow have provided a beacon of hope to this recession battered community and earned him comparisons to the ... |
TheOnion | Frustrated_Political_Scientist_Patton_Oswalt_Attempts_To_Explain_Gerrymandering_Without_Visual_Aids | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is The Topical. I'm your host, Leslie Price, and no matter how this election turns out, I'll always promise to commit to a peaceful transfer of the news. Here are today's top stories.
If you live in Texas and are planning to vote by mail in next week's election, you may need... |
cracked | why_no_one_could_have_predicted_this_presidential_election_cracked_responds | I want to address something. A while ago, I did a podcast with Schmidy the Clam and cracked editor Kristy Harrison. I very boldly said a couple of things. I first of all said a lot of stuff is up in the air so we don't know everything, but then I also said Sanders definitely won't be the nominee, Donald Trump 1000% won... |
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