section stringclasses 14
values | filename stringlengths 3 100 | text stringlengths 77 235k |
|---|---|---|
dropout | if_hideo_kojima_directed_a_romantic_comedy | Yes, Mom, I'm going to the wedding. No, Mom, I'm not bringing anyone.
Oh no, I'm so sorry. It's fine. I was going to bake another batch anyway.
I'm Raven. Jake. Jake Pliskin.
So this is a special technique I developed called Close Quarters Cooking or CQC. Damn it. Oh my God, are you okay? How did you do that? Nanoma... |
dropout | is_trump_the_president_or_am_i_brain_damaged | Katie! No! Fuck! Cinnamon toast crunch!
Trapp, you alright? Yeah, I'm fine. Fuck. Trapp, look at me. How many fingers? Three. I'm fine, guys.
What year is it? 2017. Just give me a minute. Who's the president?
Okay, I think I know the answer to this one. But it sounds crazy in my head. Go on. You probably got it.
No... |
SaturdayNightLive | holding_cell_saturday_night_live | Come on, you don't understand, All right? it's my car. I'm the one who reported it's stolen, but then it was recovered. Yeah, well, I'm sure your story will check out, but unfortunately, our computer still listed us stolen. Listen, just sit tight for an hour. we'll clear this whole thing up. Ok, buddy? yeah, yeah. this... |
SaturdayNightLive | aerotoilet_snl | Wow, family reunion isn't it. we haven't had this many people in the house in two years. I know, but I'm honestly a little worried about all these people using our bathroom. can the septic handle it?
Don't worry. we've got aerotoilet. Aero? what? From the makers of Aerobed, now there's aerotoilet. the inflatable guest... |
dropout | the_twisted_truth_behind_the_model_minority_stereotype_adam_ruins_everything | MUSIC Boy, I'm sure glad we left the pool party, Trey.
That homework is way more fun. Ah, computer. That's the first thing you've ever said that doesn't add up. You're so studious, computer.
Trey, you could learn a thing or two from his people. They're very wise.
Whoa, time out. Here we go again.
TV and movies are ... |
cracked | president_trump_kicks_off_reelection_campaign_senate_kicks_off_millions_from_healthcare_some_news | Hey you, I'm a news person, and here's some news. In the celebrity world, Josh Peck from Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh didn't invite Drake Bell from Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh to his wedding. What the fuck is this?
In Congress, a small murder of GOP senators has been secretly writing a healthcare bill that would repe... |
dropout | Cap_n_Jim_s_Boating_Tips_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News. The show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm St... |
dropout | hardly_working_script_meeting | The end. That's a great script. The next one is from Adam and Owen. Cool.
Yeah, this is Hardly Working, Dan's New Shoes.
Owen, do you care who plays what? No, I don't care.
You can assign first. All right, cool. I'll just go down the list.
Kevin be Kevin, a new be a new. Emily, can you read for man one?
Yes! Great... |
SaturdayNightLive | martha_stewart_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Welcome back to Cnn, I'm Darren Kagan. And I'm Rick Sanchez. in just a moment, we'll be going Live to The Living Omnimedia offices in Manhattan, where Martha Stewart will address her employees for the first time since her release. while most of us get the Monday blues about going back to work, Martha Stewart is one lad... |
TheOnion | Hollow_Point_Bullets_Recalled_That_Don_t_Explode_In_Targets | The nation's leading manufacturer of ammunition, Steel Hawk Incorporated, announced a massive recall today of jacketed hollow point bullets, which may not properly shred the internal organs of victims. When functioning normally, the tip of a hollow point bullet shatters into fragments, then cuts a wide and jagged path ... |
TheOnion | Olympic_Village_Tour_See_Where_The_Athletes_Live_Train_And_Fuck_Each_Other | And while we've already seen plenty of action at the various Olympic venues where the athletes compete, where are the over 2,500 Olympians living during their time in Sochi? Well, our own Rebecca Mera takes us on a tour of the 2014 Sochi Olympic Village. Well, I'm here in the heart of Sochi's Olympic Village, where top... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_40_jim_haynes | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello, hello, thank you for tuning in to the Batutah Advocate radio show here on Desert Rock FM. My name is Clancy Overall and joining me for today's chat is Errol Parker, he's just out the back of the moment, taking... |
dropout | dinosaur_office_new_year_s_eve_party | Dinosaur office! Happy New Year! My New Year's resolution is to clean the garage! There's too much clutter!
See Craig, all the kittas staying awake is eating coffee and drinking candy! Coffee, candy, candy, coffee, whoa! Aren't you worried about crashing?
Argh!
Craig, do you want some of my sinus medication? I'm con... |
dropout | harry_potter_and_the_douchebag_magicians | How is defense against the dark arts, Hermione? Awful! I don't care if these new professors are respected in their world. I never thought I'd have to learn magic from a muggle. Voldemort! Potter, the time has come for you to die.
Let's go. No, I have to do this. Patrificus Tertiary! Wait. Professor Criss Angel! Oh, he... |
cracked | justin_roiland_has_finally_been_replaced_in_a_rick_and_morty_video_game | Justin Roiland has finally been replaced in a Rick and Morty video game It's been over a year since Rick and Morty creator Justin Roiland was fired by Adult Swim and replaced by two arguably better actors Ian Cardone and Harry Belden who now voiced the titular duo Even though the change was near imperceptible and we've... |
cracked | cracked_announces_some_big_projects_comikaze_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another Cracked is in downtown LA at Kamikaze. It's the kind of place where people make big reveals And I'm digging into my little red notebook of crack secrets to bring you our comic con convention announcements We are definitely doing a second season of rom.com. They announced it on tumb... |
cracked | what_nobody_seems_to_understand_about_bitcoin_today_s_topic | Okay, man, watch it. Your life is falling apart all over my desk.
Do you get these? Stock options? Yeah. So how do I like...can I have them? Is that an option? I'm sorry, that's a stupid question, isn't it? Yeah. How do I make them be money? Stock is money, right? Yeah.
God, it's so stupid, you know? All of this fake... |
TheOnion | fat_kid_avoids_ridicule_by_swimming_with_shirt | An update to a truly inspirational story we first told you about earlier this week. I'm talking about Brian Pete, the fat boy from Richmond, Virginia, who successfully averted ridicule by swimming, get this, with his shirt on. Amazing. Now for those of you who aren't familiar, Brian, who's been fat since birth, was tir... |
dropout | Hot_Potato_The_Sexiest_Monster_Ever | Oh, damn! This hot potato is fully loaded! Tell me about it, Fud!
Alright team, let's put an end to this palm to terror. Activate heat ray! The heat ray's broke! Please, we need that heat ray as soon as possible, otherwise we're gonna get fried.
Looks like something's slowing down the REO Speedwagon. Should it be abo... |
cracked | why_roland_emmerich_is_the_only_person_living_in_a_pre_9_11_world_opcd_bonus_footage | I'm going to theorize why Roland Emmerich is the only man alive who can make a die-hard movie.
When the Twin Towers 9-11'd, everything changed. But did everything change?
No. One man stayed the same. And that man is Roland Emmerich. Because the only forms of media that Roland Emmerich consumes are other Roland Emmeri... |
dropout | should_you_masturbate_naked | All right, I'm going out Slow down there Chris your roommates gonna be gone a while treat yourself jack off naked good call feels better that way Don't listen to him Christopher need to rub one out quick. He could be home any minute You're right. My roommate catches me jacking it.
He'll tell everyone and ruin my life ... |
cracked | 7_white_lies_that_get_free_stuff_out_of_big_companies_just_by_lying_today_s_topic | Did you, like, intercept a bunch of military care packages? Oh, the military, Jesus!
I didn't even think of that angle. No, this is all free stuff. How many credit cards did you sign up for? None. Didn't have to sign up for any because of this. Is debt going to come out of your mouth because I can't handle that? No, I... |
cracked | how_classic_disney_movies_made_an_entire_generation_suck | Hey, did you hear about this Pixar's Brave Phenomenon? Like Pixar thought that John Travolta's Phenomenon was like a Brave Career Move or something.
That's not a thing. I don't know what I'm saying.
Strong female protagonist, dude. That's my jam. I feel like you're, you want to say something here so I'm just going to... |
TheOnion | Marina_Abramovi_Stolen_In_Daring_Performance_Art_Heist_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_36 | Sometime around 3 AM this morning, a team of individuals sawed a hole in the north end of Moma's roof, repelled down with rogues, and stole a nude Marina Abramovic as she was whipping herself with a flaming rose. The thieves and Ms. Abramovic whereabouts are currently unknown. That's NYPD spokesperson James O'Neill det... |
dropout | straight_acting | Greetings, travelers, and welcome to Tales from the Closet, the only podcast slash vodcast with me on it. Welcome everybody. If you're watching this on CH2 online or you're listening to it as a podcast, just know that there's also a video component where you could see our gorgeous faces. I have three lovely guests toda... |
dropout | hardly_working_soda_prank | Alright, real funny guys. Who put their dick in my sprite? What? Don't play dumb, Patrick. Okay, if it was you, I'm not gonna be mad, just tell me. Murph, I didn't put my dick in your sprite.
Then why does it taste like dick skin, Patrick? How do you know what dick skin tastes like?
What is it about putting your dick... |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_after_high_school_snl | Well, all good things must come to an end, including this problem, but we got a couple of songs left. So let's make them count. Class of 2002, how y'all feeling? Hard To believe it's been 20 years since that night After graduation, we all win our separate ways, but I still like to think about my old friends and smile S... |
cracked | worst_fight_club_ever | Gentlemen, welcome to Fight Club. First rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule- Is this Fight Club? What? Did we start Fight Club yet, or are you just quoting Fight Club? Just let me get through the rules, okay?
It's the middle of the day, is why I bring it up. God dammit, and it's in... |
TheOnion | Final_Minutes_Of_Last_Harry_Potter_Movie_To_Be_Split_Into_Seven_Separate_Films | Warner Brothers announced today they will split the last four minutes of the final Harry Potter film into seven individual movies Madison Daly has the star fix That's right wizards and muggles the wildly successful Harry Potter series isn't over yet Warner Brothers will be expanding the end of Harry Potter and the Deat... |
ClickHole | watch_these_people_tell_their_worst_breakup_stories | We had been living together for about three years, which makes any breakup messy. But then once she finally moved out, she refused to come to my house and pick up her half of the cat. I called her every day to ask her to come pick up her chunks of the calico, but she never picked up, so I assumed she didn't want it and... |
TheOnion | New_Live_Poll_Lets_Pundits_Pander_To_Viewers_In_Real_Time | I'm Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes who is away protesting gay marriage. Today for the first time on In The Know we are giving viewers a chance at home to agree or disagree with our panelists comments using the Instapoll tracker on our website. Panelists you'll see the live results right here in the studio... |
dropout | the_mom_of_the_friend_group_ch_shorts | It's just so nice to see them having fun, you know, playing outside. Which one's yours? One. I wish. I have three. Over there.
Hi, Jess. Hi. Hi, boys. Hi. I'm the, uh, mom of our group of friends.
Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Oh, wait. I thought that you said three. I only see two. Oh, yeah.
My Katie is late to everything... |
cracked | 7_popular_restaurants_with_secret_menu_items_you_need_to_try_today_s_topics | How about something... Okay, something with... Okay, like Parks and Rec. But if no, that's just the office. Fudge all of this, man.
We're fading and I'm getting sick of Red Bull. It tastes like Red Bull.
I'm going to make a Starbucks run. You want in? Yeah! Is it weird if I get a few things? Save some for later? Well... |
dropout | what_will_kevin_do_for_ricky_s_money_beverly_hills_ | and make mine a diet. Hi, I'm Patrick Hassel's.
John Luke Godard once said that great cinema doesn't just entertain the viewer, it provokes you. It challenges you. What could be more challenging than watching the number one film in the country, Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Really?
Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Beverly Hills C... |
cracked | the_pervert_s_guide_to_classic_adult_video_games | Hi there, and welcome back to Retro Gaming Freak Show, where I pervert warning, pervert warning. Going forward, this perverted video will talk about perverted things that only sick perverts will like. You've been warned, Christians, talk about weird old games.
40 million sexual Americans enjoy pornography on a regular... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Getting_A_Good_Night_s_Sleep | It's easy to spend hours tossing and turning every night, struggling to fall asleep.
Well, no need to worry any longer.
Here are the onion's tips for getting a good night's sleep. First, it's important to minimize the intrusion of light into your bedroom by sleeping inside a large black trash bag. Rent a professional... |
dropout | five_minutes_back | WTF. That sucked. I wish I had those five minutes back.
Alright, let's watch some funny internet videos. This one looks good.
Don't watch it! What the?
Listen, I'm you from the future. You're me!
This video, it sucks so bad. It sucks so bad that I built a time machine to come back and warn you not to watch it. Wow,... |
TheOnion | Man_Moving_To_New_City_Never_Took_Time_To_Truly_Loathe_Surroundings | Mere days before his upcoming relocation to Denver, Colorado, four-year Chicago resident Paul Marsden admitted today that he wished he had taken a little more time to truly loathe the city he has lived in for nearly half a decade.
You know, I've been here for a couple years, but now that I'm finally leaving, I realize... |
dropout | hallie_part_2_j_a_archives | Jake, you're going to Amir talk to your girlfriend like that? She's not my girlfriend anymore. Hallie.
Hi. Hi, Amir. How are you doing? Can I ask you a question? Sure.
Who would win in a fight? Between who?
Answer my question first. I can't. I'm just joking. I think Jake needs to give me a gift right now, so let me ... |
dropout | the_official_list_of_what_you_have_to_watch | In today's media-saturated landscape, it is often difficult to tell which television shows and movies you have to watch and which are merely optional. In order to clarify the matter, the U.S. Office of Mandatory Media has partnered with College Humor to issue this official list of what you have to watch. Any hot new or... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_apprentice_saturday_night_live | Amy Jimmy Finesse Your task for this week was to prepare an episode of Saturday Night Live for me to host. We've just finished the dress rehearsal. how do you think it went? Finesse. What do you think of the dress rehearsal? How did it go? I thought it was strong and Amy the show we're about to. Do you think it's gonna... |
cracked | 5_magical_combinations_of_the_world_s_coolest_things_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and you can tell a lot about a people's priorities by the number of cliches they've invented for a given scenario. We're metaphorically prepared for a satisfying meal to hit the spot or scr... |
Wizards_with_Guns | your_dad_is_a_little_too_proud_of_you_ | Morning, Brian. Jesus, Josh! I didn't think you'd be up. Do you think Dad loves us a little too much sometimes?
What? What makes you say that? Well, just the other day. Hey, son. Oh, what's this?
Oh, it's just a doodle. I was just sketching. Well, it's really good. Really? Yeah, son, this is no doodle. This is a work... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_8_bit_rock_band | This week we are here with Ana Managuchi, a rock band that makes music with a hacked NES from 1985. I played bass.
He plays guitar.
And then our... So all the Nintendo stuff is pre-recorded and you play on stage? Right. It's an electronic player piano that also has Mega Man 2. How does this work? You're like, alright... |
TheOnion | Let_s_All_Take_A_Couple_Of_Hours_To_Salute_Ol_Glory | Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and Circumstance.
Pomp and... |
SaturdayNightLive | final_encounter_cold_open_snl | Well hello once again. I am Agent Morris with the Nsa and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons. you three are a great interest to the Us government as the bulk of you have experienced a third verified alien abduction. I mean like this is wild cuz we were just three gal pals road trip into a Hot sauce expo. now we're Vip g... |
dropout | kim_jong_un_and_dennis_rodman_recreate_space_jam | In Jong Un wins the Korea Ball Championship once again. Truly he's the best at this sport invented in Korea, then stolen by craven, uncreative westerners. In Jong Un, I, Yao Ming, and also these aliens challenge you to a ballgame. Except I'll bring great shame to all of true Korea. Assemble your best players, and let t... |
dropout | are_you_watching_the_wire | As you may know, our organization has been having some trouble lately. Now, Boss Man thinks someone is a rat.
Bitch gon' die. Yeah, you comin' at the king, you best not miss. What was that? You comin' at the king, you best not miss. This all. Are you watching The Wire? What? No!
Yo, that sounded like a line from The ... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_voice_of_ash_ketchum | Today on Bleak Bloop, we are going to be the best like no one ever was before, because we are joined by Saranada Sheni, actress, model, and voice of Ash Ketchum on Pokemon. I'm Jeff Rubin, and this week I am joined by Pat Cassels and Jeff Rosenberg from College Humor.com.
Pat, put the controller down, man. I'm just sa... |
dropout | hardly_working_book_club | Dude, I am telling you, it's a solid bet a Frankfurter is a hot dog. The fuck is going on here?
David, this is our book club. Meet Fluxen. He's in charge. Ha ha ha. Now, Streeter, I've told you countless times, I just select the books. It's the authors who are in charge.
Oh, wow. That's wise. That's fucking insightfu... |
SaturdayNightLive | jets_fans_snl | Kids, watch where you're running, okay? This is so fun. I am so glad we were able to get this together. Yeah, it is a great day for a game. couldn't ask for better tailgating weather. it should be a great game. Yeah, the Bills are top of the division. they're pretty good. so is this macaroni salad. amazing. isn't it de... |
dropout | The_Site_That_Commits_Treason_Tells_You_What_Your_Parents_Are_Doing | What are you working on today? Oh, I finished up a lot of my work, so I'm kind of just fucking around online.
You know, all the usual sites, Reddit, TikTok, a site that commits treason and also tells you what your parents are doing. What was that last one? The site that commits treason and also tells me what my parent... |
cracked | the_4_stupidest_things_the_news_apparently_cares_about_does_not_compute | Hey, you know, it's been great scanning internet videos far and wide to bring you the most important and informative ones of Turtles fucking but it's got me yearning to tackle more weighty topics and contemplating the enduring giants of journalism Murrow Cronkite Walters newsroom Philomena fly and now me Michael Someth... |
TheOnion | 16_000_Stained_During_Messiest_Day_In_U_S_History | Experts confirm the British Empire will be reduced to eight square acres around Buckingham Palace by 2050. A reclusive deity hasn't written a new book in 2,000 years, and a local rescue dog is adopted for a couple weeks. Dominating the arena of digital news summaries now and for millennia to come, this is the Onion Wee... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_238_Tim_Elliott | Now today we are talking to a journalist, a podcaster, a great investigator and someone who's actually been looking into something that I find quite interesting personally, I don't know about you Errol, but cults, what do you know about them? Well I know that like most terrible things in this country they happen in the... |
dropout | Anything_Can_Happen_In_May_Improvised_Musical_About_Fairy_Tales | These characters share their excitement with us in a group number that, at some point, features the tune of Itsy Bitsy Spider. Oh, it's my favorite time of year, May, when all the festivals happen. Yeah, that time that sits athwart winter and summer, which some call spring. Yeah, but specifically, I love May in nursery... |
dropout | If_Google_Was_A_Guy_Full_Series | Gmail.com. What is Bitcoin? Butthole. Gross fat butthole dick poop.
Is that what kids are into these days? Are your parents home? Miss Pippi. You mean Mississippi? Hey, I'm not a dictionary! My grandson Nathan. Song that goes...
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow! Meow meow meow meow!
G... |
dropout | hardly_working_rap_skits_with_dan_klein_all_nighter_2012 | one nation under who neither of us said God actually it's DJ declined and I hate to be the kind of guy that does this but my professional recorded full length rap album just dropped so I really want to play right now check it wow surfing turfing yeah because I've been waiting in their surf and grazing in their turf tha... |
dropout | squeaking_and_roaring_in_bed | Hello, I'm Streeter, this is Amir from CollegeHumor.com. We're here in New York City asking people some axe dirty dilemma questions.
Whenever you see an attractive girl, you either cry hysterically or you pee your pants. I know you're not used to having to make tough choices. You can just have both girls at once. Yeah... |
dropout | why_terminators_transport_naked | So adorable. John Connor's in danger. Send me back. Now.
Okay, T-800, why don't you take off your clothes and get a little telepad there and we will take care of you. Why do I have to take off my clothes? Just get off the telepad and get naked, you robot slut! As babies, we are brought into this world naked.
So I bel... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_51_hau_latukefu | Yes it's been a busy week up here in the Channel Country for us and we're capping it off now talking to a famous Queen Bienite. Queen Bienite? Queen Bienese perhaps? We'll have to check up on that one but we do have a famous Australian from one of the interstate appendages of Canberra here in the studio today. Yes ther... |
SaturdayNightLive | scooby_doo_snl | We now return to Scooby-doo and the mystery of the Shadow Phantom. Keep your eyes peeled Gang: The Shadow Phantom has to be hiding somewhere. I hope we find him soon. this place is giving me the creeps. Zoinks guys, like I think there's someone behind me. you're such a scaredy cat. Shaggy. it's just me and that sounds ... |
cracked | 4_small_changes_that_make_awkward_people_s_lives_way_better | Hello, I am Daniel O'Brien, crack.com's head writer, and if you've followed my career, you know that social interaction isn't exactly my strong suit. There are ways for me and others like me to work on our awkwardness, confront our fears, learn how to function better in society, but that sounds like it would involve a ... |
dropout | sexual_party_favors | Happy New Year, man. This place is a mess. You trashed it last night. Yeah, well, I'm a party hat. That's what I do. And don't worry about the mess, okay? I'll clean it up later.
Phew, that was an epic party. Epic! Whoa, come on, dude. Keep it down. Caitlyn's sleeping in my room. That girl from last night? You know it... |
wearethesundayblues | blame_mumford_sons_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Here's an emotive riff Plucked on an unassuming stringed instrument Before you lose interest We'll get your attention back with this kick drum beat It repeats and repeats and repeats And repeats and repeats and repeats It's so uplifting It's too late, you're sucked in And then we seal the deal with the tambourine Whoa,... |
TheOnion | Fraternity_Pledges_Describe_Their_Worst_Hazing_Experience | Fraternity slash sorority pledges. What was your worst hazing experience? I tried joining a frat my freshman year thinking it would be a good way to make friends and boy was I wrong. On the first night of hell week they set up a line of empty coffee mugs on the floor, pointed at them and said get in.
I said what? They... |
CrackerMilk | break_ups_in_the_middle_ages | I don't care that you're a lowly, smelly peasant with no money and I am the princess to be queen of this land. I'll throw that all away because I love you and I think that we're meant to be together. I think so too. If I had it my way, I would have you right now.
Well, why don't we? Oh, I can't say no to you. Okay, bu... |
cracked | the_brief_and_wondrous_life_of_a_hangman_stick_figure | Hey! Uh, hello? Am I the only thing? It's beautiful. Hey! Hey youth, youth thing. Do you talk? Can you say hey? Hey! Oh!
Okay. Well, alright.
Could you let me down? Or tell me what I'm doing here? Or...
Hey! Thank you! Whoa! Hey! Look at this, huh? This is something! Hey!
I've sort of moved on from you there, guy.
... |
dropout | The_Cast_Makes_Up_a_Song_Filled_With_Fake_Out_Rhymes_Play_It_By_Ear | Do you ever talk to the other birds? You know, the birds that don't live in the zoo? The little, like, sparrows that eat the popcorn and French fries? Because they live outside. Yeah, the little pigeons that perch up on the walls and on the bars with tales of the outside world. Ah, you talk about us. You talk about the... |
CrackerMilk | how_guys_act_around_their_friend_s_girlfriend | He-Man's so handsome. His greatest power is his emotional maturity. Yeah, for sure. Maybe after this we could play some Magic the Gathering and talk about our feelings. Oh yeah! Thanks for letting me always talk about my feelings. Oh man, it's just so good to hang out with a bunch of guys that really understand each ot... |
SaturdayNightLive | nfl_championship_sunday_cold_open_snl | You're watching the Afc Championship on Cbs between the Baltimore Ravens and the Kansas City Chiefs. I'm Jim Nance alongside Tony Romo and a quick shout out to one of our sponsors: you love to shake, rattle and Roll because you'll do all three on a Boeing 737 Max 9 Boeing because that's the sound it makes when the scre... |
dropout | big_boned_cheerleaders_have_so_much_time_to_talk | I have a lot of spirit today. I know I can tell. I have a lot of spirit today also. I know. I can tell. I admire your spirit. I always have. I admire your spirit.
You make me want to be a better base, and I mean that. Out of any base in the grand history of bases, you're by far the best piece I've ever had in the enjo... |
TheOnion | Should_More_Americans_Get_In_On_The_EZ_Go_Juicer_Craze | I'm Juliana McAnlis filling in for Clifford Banes, who ran someone over in the parking lot about an hour ago.
A new report from the Consumer Institute finds the majority of Americans love fresh squeezed juice. Should more citizens be turning to products like the Easy-Go Juicer to help them live happier lives? Well, th... |
cracked | the_best_of_soren_rotica | Hi, thanks for watching that video. Please subscribe to our channel I have a little bit of erotic fiction here that I'd like to read you if you subscribe just to give you a little taste Soren pulled his pants down suspenders still on They didn't stay down for long but long enough that she could see his quivering man ro... |
dropout | early_adopters_through_history | Whoa!
Moon Watcher, what's that? This?
Oh, it's my bone. It makes hunting for food way easier. You should get one. I'm good using my hands. No, no. That's what I thought. Now I honestly don't know how I ever lived without a spear.
Dude, it's just a fad. I'm not buying into another fad, man. Bite your tongue. The Aba... |
dropout | start_up_guys_go_back_to_school | and monetize also for third parties. Now, speaking of third parties, we have two very special speakers here today. I met them briefly while consulting for a small media company.
So please help me welcome Hunter Funke and Brody Branch. All right, how are you doing guys? Hey guys, good to be here.
Wow, can't believe it... |
TheOnion | Public_Opinion_On_Net_Neutrality_Fiercely_Divided_Into_One_Side | The US government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute. John Kerry says, To defeat them, I must become them, while putting on a black face mask. And a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring Dad back. Behold the result of over 5 million years of Darwinian news summary evolution... |
SaturdayNightLive | hiv_commercial_snl | All right, let's try to get this next shot in before lunch. I threw my breakfast at my assistant, so I'm starving.
Yep, mm-hmm, yeah. Okay, places. Devato Commercial, club scene, Take one.
Action! Living with Hiv, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines. most Hiv pills have so many medicines, but Dev... |
cracked | world_s_most_obnoxious_coworker | Hey, Chris, did you see that video I sent you? It's so funny, you have to watch it. It's this crazy farting cat. It's hilarious. I'm watching it again. It's so funny.
Oh my God, Chris, I forgot. How is your wife? She's still in a coma? I'm sorry. Why didn't you remind me? I feel like such a jerk I was going on about t... |
dropout | all_nighter_alphabetical_sketch | College Hebrews is all-nighter! Adam. An assignment. All afternoon, author an amusing act. Arranged alphabetically. After achievement, all actors are awarded an Apple Airport.
Bugger. Big bosses burden beggar's belief. Correct. Consistent consonants cause crap comedy. Dudes.
Dared Daniel. Display dangling dandek. Dar... |
cracked | disturbing_things_personal_trainers_want_to_tell_you_but_can_t | Hi, your personal trainer is full of s**t. Look, I got myself certified through the NASM, but plenty of trainers show up with just a multiple choice online test and some inflated muscles and land the job. Trendier gyms inevitably hire sexier staff, like they're casting a sweaty soap opera or a mud wrestling tournament.... |
TheOnion | Burrito_a_la_Jim_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_3 | I'm at La Playita in Wilmington, North Carolina and I'm about to chow down on one full pound of the best pork burrito of my life and this time I'm not just eating the pork, I'm gonna make it. This is a kitchen takeover, let's pork! I'm Jim Haggerty, you know me as the host of Today Now, but I've also eaten in a ton of ... |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_jeopardy_kathie_lee_tom_hanks_sean_connery_burt_reynolds_snl | I'd like to once again remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities located in the studio. We've got a real barn burner on our hands in the lead. we have Kathy Lee Gifford, a first-time player. Hey, you you plaque all in a play A G G. what's that mean Grandpa? that what she stands for Frank You got ... |
cracked | what_your_doctor_wants_to_tell_you_but_can_t_from_a_medical_physician | Hi, I'm Bob. I'm someone's doctor and because statistically most of you watching this are as dumb as my patients I'm going to guess you do a lot of the same stuff. So as a favor to all your doctors I'd like to point out a few things Way way too many of you are putting things in your butt that are not made to be inside ... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_141_Brooke_Boney | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overell, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Batutah out of the budgie smuggler studios in the old city district and we are blessed this week once again joined by, well it's the sec... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Instagram_s_Bread_Drought_Gerry_Harvey_Hits_Up_Centrelink_Joe_Rogan_Fans_Silenced_More_Sept_ | Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate Weekly News Bulletin, the show goes on, the lockdowns continue down south and Queensland holds on with white knuckles hoping that this truck driver and this other family didn't bring any of that spicy Sydney sneeze up our way. My name is Clancy Overall, editor of the Petuta Advocate,... |
dropout | bar_trivia_ruins_your_night | This looks like a fantastic meal. Oh, it does? Some fuckers, you know what that air horn means?
It's trivia night! Fuck, these guys are always so aggressive. I really don't want to play. I hate trivia night. Hey man, we're just going to eat, I think. Yeah, we don't really want to play. Sorry fuckers, everyone's playin... |
TheOnion | Joad_Cressbeckler_Fears_Genetic_Modification_Causes_Wrath_Minded_Taters | Jode Kressbeckler, from cling jumpers to politicians to coyotes, the straight shooter that shook up the 2008 presidential race is taking them all on and licking them good. That's your picture boxes here. This is Kressbeckler's stance. Now, you seen professors and high muckety mucks with their lily white hands squatting... |
dropout | internet_commenter_business_meeting_2 | Guys, we're here today to honor our friend and co-worker, Howard Mandelbaum, who is retiring tomorrow after 44 years of college humor. Mandelbaum! Howard, you've been here from the beginning, you helped build this place from the ground up and there are just a few things.
We got you these cards here and we made this sc... |
TheOnion | My_Baby_Got_Carried_Away_By_A_Tumbleweed_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | All right, today's trouble hacking request comes from State Moo, who asks, my baby got carried away by a tumbleweed while she was playing outside. How can I find her? Tracking a baby down in tumbleweed can be tricky, especially if it's your first time. But here are some tips to help you track down your tumbling top.
F... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Case_Closed_A_Furious_Sky_News_Mum_The_Ultimate_Punishment_More_September_23 | I'm joined by Errol Parker, editor-at-large. Hello Errol. Hello Clancy.
Yes, that's a very good way of putting what this bulletin is. I think it's a cosmic anchor for a lot of people's weeks, especially around town. Not sure about in the wider scheme of things, not sure how many people around the country actually list... |
cracked | the_conspiracy_behind_the_most_controversial_nfl_play_ever | All right, Chris Johnson. You know what? It's your week, my friend. I am riding your ass to victory. No, I'm relying on your performance.
Holy shit, Cody's in my head. Speak of the devil. And Cody will walk in dressed like him.
Yeah. It's for a bit. You'll see later on. It's fun.
I'm actually here to talk to you abo... |
dropout | if_priests_got_heckled_in_church | to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light from the power of Satan to God so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me oh fuck yeah the Lord said believe in my son through him you believe in me believe that he has risen from the dead and has forgive... |
cracked | how_no_man_s_sky_takes_all_the_fun_out_of_gaming_cracked_responds | Hey everyone and welcome to another edition of crack responds this week We're gonna talk about no man's sky the game that was released a couple of weeks ago. How'd you feel about it Tom? I? Don't like it Can you quantify how much you dislike it on a scale of one to like to mass massacre probably Jonestown?
The basic p... |
cracked | the_horrifying_secret_the_matrix_reveals_about_humanity_after_hours | Miller's Crossing. Why all the hats? A symbol of organizational anonymity you can use to trade power in exchange for lack of identity and capacity for personal human connection.
It's the character's main challenge in the film. Don't mention Cohen's stuff in front of Michael. He always dans out on you. Okay, well, what... |
dropout | sailor_moon_lost_in_translation | From Excalibur to Ex Machina, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. And our contestants today are Amy Vorpahl, coming back. Yes, hello everyone. I can't wait to finally crush these women into the ground. And next ... |
cracked | disney_owns_you_the_jim_henson_company | Hi, my name's Michael Swain, and me and my pal Abe Epperson made most of the cool videos on Cracked for about 12 years. We even did a movie once. Now we're trying to make another movie about the time my dad came out as a gay furry. It's funny as fucking balls, and we need your help to get it done. Please, head to seeda... |
cracked | moon_knight_episode_1_explained | You need to watch and explain all of Marvel's Moon Knight show, or I'm going to take control of your body and throw you off a cliff. Why? Because we're trying to do better with, you know, timely search results. Well, count me out! That should stop me from having to explain Moon Knight! Yeah. Anyway.
Alright, so we ope... |
cracked | when_you_don_t_order_enough_pizza_for_everyone_a_video_by_simple_town | Yo guys, pizza's here! Yes!
Wait, why didn't you get any for me? Dude, you said you didn't want any. I didn't say I didn't want any. No, we asked. We said, who wants pizza? I didn't hear you! Who wants pizza? You didn't say you wanted any pizza. We were under the impression that you didn't want any, and so that's why ... |
SaturdayNightLive | luke_wilson_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Lou Wilson! I mean, they tell you that it's going to be wild, but I guess you never know until you get here how much fun it's actually going to be to do it. You know, yesterday was about a 14-hour day. we were working really hard, so Horatio took me out for a drink after work to blow off some stea... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.