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cracked | the_embarrassing_aftermath_of_the_mayan_apocalypse | Mm-hmm. Oh, fuck you, Kathy.
Oh, hey! Look, here he is!
I'm surprised you guys are safe with all the zombies outside. What with it being apocalypse, huh?
Look, don't start. I spent all night keeping watch. I didn't even have time to cut this thing off. I just skipped breakfast.
You want some beans? I got, like, 800... |
dropout | I_m_Here_Outside_of_Gene_Hackman_s_Movie_Trailer_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh or make a little c... |
CrackerMilk | update_on_our_show | Hey cuties! We are about to start filming our pilot and we just wanted to say thank you so much for all of the support that we've received so far. We have almost reached our goal which is amazing. We're about to shoot about 30 minutes of Krakenville content which is insane for us and honestly we're so close to reaching... |
dropout | hardly_working_brainstorming | OK, it's kind of weird, even if we're hardly working. It's just all of us, and we're sucking each other's dicks. OK, I volunteered to suck the first dick. Jake, do you have any real ideas? Yeah, the dick one. Jesus Christ, guys, Jake's serious. Jake, we're not sucking each other's dicks in this video, OK? Let's move on... |
SaturdayNightLive | grandma_pugga_saturday_night_live | Grandma just sees me as the latest in your series of girlfriends. No way, she likes you. And what's that name you call her?
Puga. Grandma Puga. right, Puga.
And she's got all those cats. I'm wearing my black dress. I'm gonna get cat hair all over it.
Oh, come on. all we have to do is stay for a few minutes and make ... |
cracked | rise_of_the_troubling_question_about_droids_adventures_in_jedi_school | I can't believe he's gone.
Something I said when I was alive. Something you said.
Can't you turn on a light saber right? I'm no Jedi.
Well, none of us are, but... Hey, it's like Master Evil said. I don't remember anything he said. Neither do I, but it was probably believing ourselves right? Probably. So let's do tha... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_The_Nation_s_Drug_Use_Fred_Again_Fabled_Tasmanians_And_The_Oscars | Welcome to the Petuta Weekly, different to the Petuta Talks because Petuta Talks we interview a different guest each week and this one we basically just give you a recap on the biggest headlines from the Petuta Advocate in the week that was. Obviously should be called Petuta Talks really because all we do is just talk ... |
cracked | 3_side_characters_who_deserve_their_own_movie_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, my name is Daniel O'Brien, though I'm also warming up to Deanie Obini, and welcome to another oddly charming episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show where I talk so fast that I'm told it makes our viewers actually uncomfortable. Today's episode... Causally optimistically investigates a pheno... |
SaturdayNightLive | what_s_that_name_norman_the_doorman_snl | And now, it's time to play. Black Lives Matter!
And here's your host. hello, hello, hello, and welcome to what's that name? The rules are simple. we show you a person, you tell us their name. our contestants today are Jake, a Cfo at Smith & Price, and Carolyn, a senior partner at Chapman Real Estate. And the first que... |
TheOnion | SPONSORED_New_Video_Game_s_Second_Person_Shooter_Mode_Features_Someone_Just_Describing_Game_To_You | It's being hailed as a breakthrough in gaming. Wolfenstein The New Order is wowing reviewers with its revolutionary second-person shooter mode. Bryce Markle has more in the Tech Trends Game Byte. Traditionally the Wolfenstein series has been a first-person shooter where you can see and hear the action. Bethesda designe... |
TheOnion | Members_Of_Academy_Can_t_Imagine_What_Would_Happen_If_They_Ever_Selected_Wrong_Best_Picture | Expressing a deeply-held political opinion is referred to as a gaffe. The Reverend Al Sharpton takes time off from his holy duties to make a TV appearance, and the Empire State Building reopens its spire to visitors. Five years, three lives, and over 80 million dollars in the making. This is the Onion Week in Review.
... |
cracked | michael_jackson_s_neverland_ranch_and_more_news_2_27_08 | It's Wednesday, February 27, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, or so the Germans would have us believe.
Elephant hunting will be allowed in South Africa for the first time in almost 15 years to control herd numbers and halt environmental damage. In related news, Rosie O'Donnell has been advised ... |
Wizards_with_Guns | dishonorable_discharge_ | That's it! I don't need this!
I'm the best cop on this force! Not anymore, you're not! What's that supposed to mean? Murkowski, turn in your badge.
Fine. I don't need this to do my job anyway. And your gun. Fine.
You know what, Sarge? This whole precinct is a complete- And your watch. What? My watch? Yep. Why do you... |
dropout | collegehumor_s_favorite_guest_stars | One of my favorite guest actors is Ellie Woods, who is also one of my very good friends. The sketch that I most love her in is extremely real people and definitely not actors, which was written by Mike Trapp. Ellie has this ability to go from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds, and on set that day, you kind of feel like... |
dropout | Sneaking_Into_Your_Own_R_Rated_Movie | I can't believe we still haven't seen our own movie yet. I know. It's fucking ridiculous. The whole system is fucked. Let me do the talking.
Three tickets for Good Boys, one adult, two children. And how do you know them?
I'm uh, I'm married to their moms. No his mom. No your mom! Uh, both of their moms.
Would your m... |
cracked | the_7_horrible_movies_bruce_willis_made_in_2021_re_edited | So a few weeks ago, while recording the podcast, Jesse, Ally, and I realized that Bruce Willis had made a ton of movies in 2001, and I jokingly said we should watch all of them and make an awards ceremony for them, because I was pretty sure they would all be bad. And I was right.
We made the video, we released it, and... |
dropout | the_fix_for_annoying_summer_parents_parent_in_a_box | Tired of your overbearing? You're gonna get a sunburn.
Mom. Back to school, hon. Even got something for dad.
Fun, right? Controlling. Come on, guys. Let's do a conga line.
And embarrassing parents. Ruining your summer vacation? You need Parent in a Box Summer Edition. From the makers that brought you Parent in a Box... |
dropout | elegant_corn_morning_drawfee | Welcome to morning Drawfee. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. And today this is the drawing show we do where we take suggestions from the comments on YouTube and we turn them into drawings. And today our suggestion comes from Celine at least and she wanted us to draw elegant corn which is something we can do. I'm gonna go and ... |
TheOnion | The_A_V_Club_s_PARAMETER_Film_Contest_The_Ballad_of_Oscar_Homeslice | Pardon me, are you two here for the interviews about the dishwasher position? Well, we're running a little late. We'll just give you a call as soon as we're ready.
So just sit tight. Okay. Thank you. So you're here for the big dishwasher job opportunity also? Yeah. Yep. Going for the dishwasher. Yep. All right. I hear... |
TheOnion | Stalker_Financial_Expert_Offers_Recession_Tips_Just_For_Woman_He_Follows | You may not know this, but a lot of statistics show that women generally have a much harder time in a bad economy. That's right, Jim. But we've got Today Now financial expert Dan Kellogg with us, and he's going to give us some tips to help women make it through.
Hi, Dan. Hi, guys.
Now, Dan, why is it that women do fa... |
TheOnion | Joad_Cressbeckler_Homosexuality_A_Necessity_On_Cold_Mountaintops | Well, that tiny woman wants me to show you I was winning a statue at the News Book Awards for my biographical book last night. Now, I'm not for giggly prancing like some fatty queen of 15 at the Harvard's Bar and Foot Dance, but go ahead and take a look. Thank you, sirs and mams. Old Joe is right proud, isn't he? Thank... |
dropout | the_best_dog_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings.
I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. Hello. Hi.
And today we are drawing the best dog. The best dog?
Yes. Who suggested that Caldwell? It's funny you ask. It's funny you ask that question just unprompted out of the blue. Well usually... |
TheOnion | Joe_Biden_Introduces_Trio_Of_Sexy_Bodyguards | This is the Onion News Network, now with more attack satellites than any other network. Alright, first let's start off in Las Cruces, New Mexico, where the cash-strapped NASA program has launched a new mission to explore New Mexico. A robotic probe set out on its course for Albuquerque at 10.14 this morning and began t... |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Host_Starts_Charity_To_Rid_World_Of_Flying_Debris | First, we have a very special piece to share with you this morning, one that Tracy put together earlier this week, to bring us up to date on a topic that is really near and dear to her heart. Oh, Jim, that's so true. I feel so strongly about the issue of flying debris, and it's my hope that after viewing this segment t... |
cracked | 5_questions_about_the_captain_america_civil_war_trailer_cracked_responds | Josh, Tom, Alex, thank you for joining me for this screening of the trailer of Captain America vs. Iron Man Dawn of Justice. I'm so excited for my 18th time watching this trailer. That's not sarcastic. I love this trailer.
Right away we know what the stakes are. Because they're just like, hey all those movies you guys... |
dropout | Troopers_vs_Social_Media | Oh, God. What's up? Oh, it's just you remember Devon from high school? Devon 11 with the extra finger? Yeah, it turns out he's a concert pianist now.
God, social media is the worst. Quick, fake a picture of me looking cool in battle.
Mm-hmm. Compare and despair, man. Huh? Compare and despair.
You can't compare yours... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_06_6_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah News Bulletin recording live here from Baxter Boots Studio in downtown Batutah. The day is Thursday the 6th of June 2019. Saw heads this morning in the newsroom in the studio after a riveting contest last night... |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_hair_department_tour | Hello everyone, I am Punky Johnson. I am out here at 30 Rock at Snl Studio. and a lot of people give credit to a lot of things. the cast, the writers, but some people forget a lot of the magic happens right here in this room.
Follow me now. this, my friends, is the wig department. This, my friends, they don't find out... |
dropout | the_jersey_shore_meets_dragonball_z | Last time on Dragon Ball Z. We two are experienced warriors and I must warn you, we'll be holding nothing back. Yo, you're gonna pay for what you said to snookers. I honestly thought it was Majin Buu. I'm so sorry. It's too late for that now. We're gonna stick a Majin boot up your punk asses. Looks like you're gonna ha... |
cracked | novelizations_way_sexier_than_the_movie_yboc_rambo_face_off_halloween | Sandy strode over to him and hooked her arm around his waist and pinched his pants. Baby, you're the one that I want, Danny said. Danny! Sandy! Danny yelled, throwing his arms around her.
I got chills. I'm trembling a lot. I'm nervous and hot. Sandy! I'm all choked up.
Oh. Hello there lovers. Welcome to my humble abo... |
dropout | inside_john_adams_oval_office_in_360 | Should we be concerned that the U.S. government is only eight years old and already the citizens are totally divided about how it should operate? Oh, this is just the second presidential election. It'll get easier. It has to, right?
Sean Adams. Adams. Mr. President. President J. Adams.
Yes, we should really address t... |
dropout | When_All_Your_Friends_Are_in_Relationships | And the stars in the sky spell S-E-X. Oh yeah, I remember that from The Lion King. No, in my real life.
You guys still feel like going out? Oh yeah! Oh, okay, good. Okay, I know where a bar just opened up. Ooh, we should do a game night. Oh my god, I love game night. Oh yeah! Wouldn't that be so fun? I could pick up s... |
cracked | 5_biggest_mistakes_in_fast_x_cinemistakes | What's up you guys, this is your boy Steven Spielberg, the host of the show Sin Mistakes. We take some of Hollywood's hottest films, and we absolutely burn them to the ground, okay?
And I hate to do it to it, but today we're at the Toretto House, and that's because we're putting Fast X on the skewer stick. I'm not all... |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_of_the_kitchen | Hey, do you guys wanna go get lunch? Ew, gross, no. Okay, fine, I'll just go by myself. I'll go with you! Anyone? I'll go. Okay, I'm just gonna go to the deli.
Finally, a date with she whom I most desire. I shall ensnare her with a feast so grand it will stuff me or herself.
Shall right gag me with a spoon, this stuf... |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_self_defense_snl | Dude, we're our coffees. Wasn't an intern supposed to grab them. let me check. Looks like they said we don't get coffees for little bitch boys again. I mean, come on man, are we little bitch boys guys? we need to learn how to stick up for ourselves. we can't keep getting bullied by interns.
I think I know someone who ... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_adam_sandler_on_mother_s_day_snl | And now, here are the Mother's Day message, weekend update's own, and my hero, Adam Sandler! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. when we think of Mother's Day, we always think of flowers and candy and taking Mom to dinner, you know, nice things. But tonight, I thought we should pay a little respect t... |
dropout | fasting_contest_with_ben_schwartz | Ohhhhhhhhhh! You stupid man. Excuse me? With Mila Jovovich, you stupid man. It's a DVD that you could put into your divin-de-player.
Heh, lucky you. What do you mean lucky me? I mean lucky you.
Drew Barrymore, Eric Bana, 2002.
You're a fucking sicko. You're a psycho. You're a dumbo! You're a psycho.
Enough! Sorry! ... |
cracked | 5_biggest_dick_moves_by_fictional_heroes | Who are hypocrites? This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. I feel I owe you an apology. We have a rule. We never free a mind once it's reached a certain age. Do you know what it really reminds me of?
Ta... |
cracked | music_notes_why_alanis_morissette_s_lyrics_are_crazier_than_you_think | Hey, no offense kid, it just sounds like you were a mess long before he left when he went away. But it's not fair. Right, but you also tried to blow him in public and yeah he promised he'd hold you until he died and yeah he's still alive. It's not fair. Right, right, right, it just seems like you don't understand that ... |
TheOnion | Tell_All_Book_Reveals_Wrestling_Fans_Are_Fake | Fans of professional wrestling have long been seen as some of the most devoted and passionate in the sports world. But a new book reveals a shocking secret. The so-called fans are in fact choreographed paid performers. And we are joined now from Raleigh, North Carolina by the author of Faked, my life as a professional ... |
SaturdayNightLive | 9_11_hearings_saturday_night_live | We now resume our live coverage of the hearings by the committee investigating the September 11th Terrorist Attacks already in progress. Mr. Clark, You have told this committee that despite repeated requests, you were not granted a private meeting with the President to discuss the terrorist threat until the 15th of Aug... |
dropout | the_10_000_vine_video | We've all seen videos on the internet. I'm going to make you the most viral video of all time, and I'm going to do it in six seconds.
I have $9,000, and all I need is $1,000 from you. Make us proud, son.
Am I late? I mean, this is good, but it's seven pages. Doesn't that seem a little long for a six-second video?
Yo... |
dropout | good_night_internet | In my small green room there is a Wi-Fi router and an adapter plugged into the wall for power and a gently glowing MacBook Pro and a web browser with many tabs left to close.
Now married to a preacher.
I'll just google myself one more time. |
TheOnion | In_The_Know_Are_Tests_Biased_Against_Students_Who_Don_t_Give_A_Shit | I'm Michael Coe filling in for Clifford Banes who is fighting his nemesis atop of an abandoned clock tower. A new study by the Department of Education finds that students who think school is a boring waste of time score significantly lower on their standardized tests than their peers. Are these exams biased against stu... |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_meryl_streep_on_the_golden_globes_snl | The Golden Globes are tomorrow night, And once again, Meryl Streep has been nominated for not one, but two awards for her work in Both It's Complicated and Julie and Julia. we're very lucky to have her. Please welcome Meryl Streep. thank you so much for having me. Oh, oh. well, Meryl, congratulations.
You know, you're... |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Batman_V_Superman_Dawn_Of_Justice | If I wanted it, you'd be dead already. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at Batman vs. Superman, Dawn of Justice, a satisfying superhero blockbuster, but one that nonetheless proved difficult for me to watch as the sight of Batman and Superman fighting one another dredged u... |
SaturdayNightLive | you_think_i_m_the_beast_saturday_night_live | Our enchanted story continues on a starry night as love begins to blossom between beauty and the beast. Would you do me the great honor of joining me in a dance? the honor would be mine. Jealous or destined true as it can be, Then somebody burns. Whenever I'm in your presence, I can feel the dark clouds parting and the... |
cracked | 4_famous_tv_ads_that_invented_horrifying_fictional_universes_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and you know how an SNL sketch with a thin premise will occasionally get turned into a movie and everyone freaks out, even though MacGruber was fucking awesome? Well, when an ad succeeds, t... |
cracked | everything_everywhere_all_at_once_review_aka_okay_he_s_blue | Okay, so I obviously didn't get it perfect yet. There was like a half second where we were on screen in between the two clips, but we'll get there. I'm sure I looked like this. I was like really sort of entranced by the countdown music and the... Yeah. I was really jamming to- My facts? Oh, uh, welcome to Cracked Movie... |
cracked | stop_parodying_cee_lo_s_f_k_you_an_open_request_to_idiots | Do you think turning my song to a parody is that a body?
Not just because you like it doesn't necessarily mean it It needs to be a fucking parody Or you may think you're winning, but I think you're real shitty Stop, don't change my words Although I don't got a bed, I still wish you would quit Cause it's okay to trust ... |
SaturdayNightLive | jeff_gordon_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Chef Gordon. So excited to be here in New York hosting Saturday Night Live. ordinarily, when I work, I'm wearing a fire-retardant suit, going 200 miles per hour in a tin can, filled with explosive liquids. every time I get in the car, there's a chance I could crash and burn in front of millions of... |
dropout | can_you_tell_a_cocktail_from_a_wrestling_move | Welcome, everyone, to Cocktail vs. Wrestling Move! Our contestants will be given two very similar options. If they choose correctly and choose the cocktail, they'll be rewarded with a delicious mixed drink. If they choose incorrectly and choose the wrestling move, they'll have said move performed on them by this very s... |
TheOnion | Behind_The_Pen_Nanny_State_Ninny_State | Your cartoon for this week is called Nanny State, Nanny State, okay? We got a nanny state in this country, state that coddles people.
It's turning our young boys into nannies instead of men. Now here's this naive parent taking a young son to the Big Brothers organization, okay? And you can see there, I write innocent ... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_gambling_on_smash_bros_ | I am Jeff here with Amir and Pat. Today we were going to play Smash Bros. Brawl, but we were feeling lazy, so instead we are going to let the computer play itself and gamble on the results. Can we do a randomly selected and then bet on who we get? Sure. So I'll do a random player, and I'll bet $50,000 that he'll have a... |
dropout | Breaking_Up_with_Snapchat | So listen, um, we've been together for a while now, but I don't think it's working. What? I'm sorry, Snapchat. I think we should break up. You're a pig. Who is she? Oh, who says there's anyone else? I know you. You hop from app to app, and then you get bored and it gets old. What am I, old now?
No. Is that it? You hav... |
cracked | why_they_don_t_want_evolution_taught_in_schools_marvels_of_the_science_episode_3 | Our world is full of being in many worlds, from the majestic oceans of our glorious moon, to bacteria, and vegetables. I'm Professor Scott Bug, and today I will explore the world's changing power of evolutions on my marvels of the science. Now, I'm here at what used to be ancient Mesopotamia, and what is currently curr... |
SaturdayNightLive | the_stuttering_drill_sergeant_snl | Yes, Sir! Texas, You getting all this? Absolutely, Sir. I want a simple yes, sir, or no, Sir. do you understand that Private? Yes, Sir. Do I stutter? No, Sir. let me tell you a little story. in my last platoon, I didn't like how one private responded to my questions, so I broke his arm and I sent him home. am I making ... |
dropout | hair_styles_for_llamas_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan today guys We are dipping back into the wonderful world of the animal kingdom. The animal kingdom. We can never stay out we're combining our two loves which is animals and You know cosmetics I say oh ... |
dropout | ch_offline_intro_stony_remix | Step into my world, you are, you are fine Don't worry about a thing at all You are, you are fine Don't worry about a thing at all As time passes by, we'll be fine Don't worry about a thing at all As time passes by, we'll be fine Ow! Ow! What the hell is that?! Hey! Get him off of me! You sucked my dick! Ow! Ah!
I'm go... |
cracked | the_wedding_crashers_timeline_makes_no_sense | They seemingly have time to go to the ceremony at the church. Lord knows we need family now more than ever. Then cocktail hour. You better lock it up. Then the reception. And then Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn get invited back to the family's home, which they go to by boat.
And it's still daytime, so they have time to ... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_pilates_snl | And, action. hey mamas, is this your first class? I just feel like Pilates is like the most terrifying genre of athleticism. you go in and it's like no one talks to each other, it's dark and it's cold. the horror element of the Pilates really speaks to me because it looks awful and like something I would never want to ... |
dropout | the_rose_gold_iphone_is_not_gay | With the new iPhone 6S, Apple has added sleek new features and an array of colors, including rose gold. The reaction of our users has been louder than ever. We've listened and are pleased to announce the rose gold iPhone is not gay. The iPhone 6S is the most powerful and least gay smartphone on earth.
It comes in a wi... |
dropout | lonely_condoms_condomned_part_3 | So then the bartender says, Robber. Hey guys, Robbie just got off the phone. I heard him say something about a sorority party and to bring plenty of protection.
Alright, listen up, pepiats. We got a possible code pink. Everybody get into position. Rusty, what are you doing? Get into position, man.
Not anymore, Jimmy.... |
SaturdayNightLive | ted_kaczynski_s_class_reunion_snl | Edward Worthington. Oh, my God, James Mallory. you old dog. great to see you. Hey, have you seen Brian Kelly? no, I haven't. oh, he's right over there. Brian, come here. lead the way, Brian. Oh, good question, Brian. you have 10 minutes, Ted. Fellas, thanks again for letting me come to this. a class reunion doesn't hap... |
ClickHole | progress_this_video_game_s_protagonist_is_a_deaf_woman | Hey everyone, you're watching Next Gen. Today I want to talk to you about a video game that is both super fun and making some real social progress in the world. It's called Sonic the Hedgehog, and it features Sega's first disabled protagonist, a deaf woman who proves that no disability should ever hold you back. Sonic ... |
TheOnion | Red_Roof_Inn_Announces_New_Suicidal_Suite | In a new effort to serve a wider range of customers, the Red Roof Inn is debuting its brand new suicidal suite, a hotel room designed to accommodate guests looking for a convenient and affordable way to end their own lives. The Onion spoke to Red Roof Inn hospitality director Marsha Connolly for a first look at the Nat... |
cracked | why_the_firefly_crew_were_the_bad_guys_today_s_topic | Hey, are you like me where you think about Firefly all the time? When you say Firefly, do you mean the insect? Or the rebels from Elastigos? Or the GI Joe guy who was like nuts about explosives? Or the show that I think about all the time? So I think the brown coats in Firefly aren't the good guys.
Obviously. Mal and ... |
cracked | the_most_needlessly_sexual_tv_ads_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to episode UNO of Does Not Compute, where I stare unblinking at a side of humanity that would make a lesser android drop a boot log in his robot pants. I'm your host, the Mechanical Spider, and my co-host this week is Chinese-American vlogger Peter Shao. Hello, Peter Shao here. Thanks for bei... |
dropout | What_It_s_Like_To_Date_An_Alien | Rich, we need to talk. Uh oh. I just feel like we're drifting apart. We are? Oh, not you and me. Me and the other beings I'm becoming as part of my species' reproductive process. Oh. Do they need to be here for this? Yes. This involves both of us. Both of who? You and me. The three... Make that four other beings in fro... |
cracked | 12_6_07_news_on_cracked_interview_with_bill_clinton_more | It's Thursday, December 6th, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm sick as a dog, a dead dog.
France's National Library has opened its long-rumored and long-awaited erotica collection to public view for the first time ever. The exhibition includes sexually explicit artwork dating back to the 14th ... |
SaturdayNightLive | steve_martin_s_penis_beauty_creme_apply_as_needed_saturday_night_live | Hi, I'm Steve Martin. with so many celebrities endorsing cosmetics these days, I wanted to make sure the cosmetic I endorsed was very special. that's why I'm proud to put my name on Steve Martin's All-natural Penis Beauty Cream New formula. Try my new beauty cream, and in a matter of weeks, your penis will be looking s... |
cracked | a_campaign_ad_for_the_most_electable_candidate_ever | Does anyone else miss the time when we used to work this land the time politicians serve the people? Does anyone else miss America?
I'm Ronald Montgomery Taylor. I don't want to be your president You can call me Ron or you can call me. Dr. Taylor. It's your choice. I am pro-choice But not in the way you're thinking Ju... |
cracked | 5_basic_human_pleasures_the_modern_world_is_destroying | Life is beautiful, as Roberto Benigni taught us by depressing the shit out of us and then getting scuff marks on all our nice chairs. Food, drink, music, movies, sex, friendship, the mysteries of the whole Vasti-Weeden-verse. Simple pleasures of life that, in some ways, can never be improved upon. So why do we keep try... |
SaturdayNightLive | beep_beep_snl | Parker, Jackson, quit running around your aunt's house.
Oh, they're fine. Hey, Jeannie, not to be a pig, but you got an Eta on dinner time? Yeah, everything looks so good. what can we eat? Well, don't ask me. that's Mark's department. Ah, oh, beep, beep. let me just go right past you. Sorry, Mark. that's all right. No... |
SaturdayNightLive | benedict_cumberbatch_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch! So, so much. I am thrilled to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. it's been a really fun, great week. And I've got to be honest, though, because most of the sketch writers this week, they pitch me sketches every day. And most were about Doctor Strange. it's great. I love the... |
dropout | don_t_buy_cars_on_ebay | When I was younger, my dad was in a wedding band. He had to buy a truck to keep all his equipment in the back, but we had three kids, so my oldest brother would sit in the front, and me and my other brother would sit in this little tiniest sliver of space between the front seat and the back of the cab. He would often s... |
dropout | You_re_My_Least_Helpful_Friend | Hey dad. No, my flight gets in at 930. I've got the whole weekend booked off, so help you move. Yeah, I'll see you then.
Okay. Oh no. What's wrong, Trapper? Is everything okay? Oh, um, yeah, my parents are, uh, getting divorced. Aww, I'm so sorry.
That must be so difficult. Yeah, it's pretty rough.
Yeah. Well, we ce... |
dropout | bleep_bloop_call_of_duty | You're watching Bleep Bloop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Sarah Schneider and Pat Cassels and from Gizmodo, Adam Frucci. Today we are playing Call of Duty 6 Modern Warfare 2. I think for our first match we'll just do a traditional death match, you know, whoever kills the most other people wins. Does someone want to tell me... |
cracked | how_zombies_feel_about_zombie_movies_the_stumbling_dead_cracked_throwback | Wow, gross. Ooh, nice. Hey, Beth, that new bow you start to turn, he gets a bullet in the head, copy? Come on.
Where the dang is Tammy? Don't choose right behind you. I'm too late on. I hate being in the back.
How many foods are there? Five big ones, one real tiny. Last time I saw them all together. Food. Only five f... |
dropout | shared_by_lumberjacks | Hello everybody, welcome back to Erotic Book Club, I am your host Jess Ross with me as always as my co-host. Hello, I'm Rekha Shankar.
Thank you so much, not sure how you're watching us or listening to us if you're on our Dropout, if you're on CH2, if you're on iTunes, all of them are great ways. Our favorite way of c... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Thomas_Mayo_Indigenous_Voice_Part_1 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show special episode this week. You've got myself Clancy Overall and Effie Bateman here as the host and the interviewers and this week's interviewee is a man that was very... |
SaturdayNightLive | kristen_wiig_visits_her_old_snl_dressing_room | I'm finally home. And the best part of being home? Returning to your childhood bedroom or in my case, dressing room.
Lauren promised they'd always leave it just the way I left it.
Oh, I can't wait to see all my old wigs! My favorite costumes!
My good luck Tech! Have you not played this to your right? I'm doing good ... |
dropout | Don_t_Correct_Me_if_You_re_Wrong | And that's why I don't really like to look at my hands unless I have to. Katie, in your mind, how worried do you think I am about the rate at which you check your hands?
Lunch is here! Lunch!
Thank you! Ugh, I forgot to ask for hot sauce. Raph, may I borrow yours?
Uh, I don't know. Can you? What? It's...can I? Yeah.... |
TheOnion | Study_Human_Imagination_Capable_Of_Magnificent_Things_During_Masturbation | A Princeton University study published in the New England Journal of Medicine this week confirmed that human imagination is capable of magnificent and awe-inspiring things during masturbation. After monitoring the neural activity of 500 volunteers of varied age, ethnicity, and formal education levels during self-stimul... |
dropout | god_s_boss_craig_new_jesus | Hey, what would you say if I told you I'd find the next Jesus? I would say the- Bring him into my office right now. Let me meet him. What? Did we just have mega-same brain? God, I would like to introduce to you...
Destiny. Is this your card? No, of course not, idiot. It's mine. Mind blast. That's Destiny's spelled wit... |
cracked | swaim_gets_fired | Well, as soon as the boys down at the lab analyze the latest samples, we'll have plenty for a full list, so I'm not even worried. Terrific. Thanks a bunch. Alright.
What the fuck? What the hell, man? What the hell? Michael, what are you even doing down there?
Nothing, obviously. Huh? These? Never know when you're gon... |
TheOnion | All_Of_Nation_s_Living_Presidents_Gather_To_Lie_About_Bush_Presidency | This week, all of the nation's living presidents gathered in Dallas to lie about George W. Bush's legacy. President Obama opened the public ceremony Thursday morning by evading the truth about the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and Bush's handling of the economy. He was later joined by former Presidents Clinton, Carter, ... |
dropout | the_first_ever_collegehumor_comment_show | Hey, welcome to The Comment Show. This is a new show we're doing where we're going to read and respond to all the comments that you've left us at CollegeTumor.com on our YouTube page, on our subreddit, on Twitter, on Facebook. We get tons of comments on our videos all week. And this is a chance for us to respond to the... |
dropout | this_hipster_son_in_law_isn_t_the_only_upset_in_this_tournament | Alrighty, it's a gorgeous day, and I'm here with Gary and Steve, father and son to Dr. College Hoops Brackets. Father and son? No, no, we're just in-laws.
Alrighty, but you guys are big college b-ball fans, I imagine. I haven't missed a big tournament game in 23 years. I'm more of a fresh air guy myself, but Baskinbal... |
TheOnion | Zombie_Reagan_Raised_From_Grave_To_Lead_GOP | After months of struggling to find their footing, it looks like the GOP has finally found an effective spokesman. Since Republican leaders unveiled the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan at a fundraising event last week, the undead former president has quickly emerged as the new face of the Republican party. Michael St... |
TheOnion | NRA_It_s_Probably_Best_If_You_Just_Ignore_What_We_re_About_To_Say | The world is not sure who to admire anymore after Tom Hanks murders five. Kate Middleton shows off her baby bump, and a middle-aged banana panics upon finding its first brown spot. And now, the final web video you will view before tomorrow's scheduled collapse of Western civilization. This is the Onion Week in Review. ... |
ClickHole | the_peel_i_need_to_be_adopted_by_michael_jordan_by_keith_r_wallace | I need to be adopted by Michael Jordan. I told some people that I was the son of Michael Jordan, and now they're coming over to my house on Friday, and I have to get adopted by him by then, or else I'm going to be embarrassed. I need to be adopted by Michael Jordan. When I told these people that I was the son of Michae... |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_with_andy_samberg | Hey! How's it going, man? Good. What's up? Where's Adam? I'm Andy. Sam. That's funny. So is Adam here?
Where you just... What? What do you mean?
I'm here to do the show. I thought you asked me to be here. Oh. I said you were really excited. Oh. Am I here on the wrong day? No. You are not Adam Sandler. Hello.
I'm Mic... |
TheOnion | Chinese_Gossip_Blogger_Fights_For_Freedom_To_Post_Celebrity_Up_Skirt_Photos | Now we have the inspiring story of a brave young man who fought for his freedom of speech against all the odds. That's right. Defying government restrictions on personal expression for more than two years. Zhang Jua put his life on the line to publish Star Dirt, China's biggest celebrity gossip blog. Zhang joins us now... |
cracked | 5_rules_for_sleeping_in_bed_with_your_friends | Pop quiz, you're at a party, decide to crash, and wouldn't you know it? The number of sleepable surfaces equals n minus 1, where n is the number of people already asleep, and 1 is you, because you foolishly took an extra long dump to beat an app level. And apparently, you can't just all sleep in a big dog pile like dru... |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_167_Craig_Foster_Julian_Meagher | Obviously the snow wasn't as good as you get down there in more cosmopolitan parts of the state like Stanthorpe and places like that, but you know, it's good for what it is. Yeah look, you better get it in now actually, listeners, you're skiing, because we've just passed the winter solstice, according to all the photos... |
ClickHole | beautiful_watch_these_men_take_turns_explaining_the_premise_of_boardwalk_empire_to_one_another | Are you ready? Yes.
Boardwalk Empire follows the exploits of politician, gangster, and bootlegger, Nucky Thompson, in Prohibition-era Atlantic City. Nucky must navigate an ever-changing cast of enemies and friends, politicians, cops, criminals, and lawyers, alliances and betrayals in his quest for power, money, women,... |
Wizards_with_Guns | if_we_treated_milk_like_aged_wine_ | Hello, my name is Perry, I will be your sommelier. Oh, okay, sorry, I was expecting somebody. Would you like something to drink while you wait? Perhaps an 81 or an 82? Oh, no thanks, I don't drink wine. Wine?
No, no, no, no, no, no. Milk. Milk? Yes, milk, pit the table.
Would you like something from this decade? This... |
TheOnion | Live_Feed_Obama_Attends_The_White_House_Maintenance_Staff_Annual_Dinner | with only an auric electric room it has been a year full of emotional ups and downs for the white house maintenance staff none of us will forget the incident that shut down the south portico entrance for a full 48 hours or the mole rat infestation of the west colony but there have been many achievements as well a smoot... |
cracked | why_a_co_worker_threesome_is_a_bad_idea | That's child abuse Which part absolutely everywhere that followed hey Dan I've got a great idea for a video that'll tie into Mother's Day Oh like you know how every kid in the world feels about being drunk. You'll see when this video goes all huge. You'll be all oh Michael oh I do I do declare your videos positive Mich... |
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