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I had an assignment worth 10% of my grade but I couldn't bring myself to do it. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Feeling lonelier than ever I thought that I could be strong moving to a new state. I thought having my fiancé would be enough, but it really hit me after a few months that I am incredibly lonely and isolated. It wasn’t such a big deal before because I already depressed and was convinced this was my “new life” and I could focus on myself by exercising, going to therapy, etc. and come back as a refreshed person (we may only stay here a couple years).
But I’ve been in denial about how important family and friends are. I really miss them and my chest aches so bad the last couple of days and I’ve been crying off and on, sometimes it’s very painful. I think many of them miss me too but I don’t know how to reach out and I haven’t been communicating well. it’s been really hard to find the words. I feel like a robot when I write. Maybe part of it is there isn’t anything much new to say even though people may expect us to have exciting stories of travel and exploring the area.
Even then, I will have to put myself out there and meet new people too. After all the crying, I went out last night and felt sort of refreshed, like it lifted a lot of guilt and anxiety off my chest. Even though I didn’t speak to anyone, it felt really good just to be around other people. I really took all the love and companionship for granted. The depression told me no one truly loves or wants me around and as a result I could not understand or feel on a visceral level how important friendships are. It’s very confusing and embarrassing, if not sad. We all need others in our lives, even just to know they care.
I’m hoping that people will forgive my avoidance and pride. It’s not like I haven’t texted but I tried to “prove” that I’m not needy and even held onto resentment toward my parents and some friends, expecting some type of perfection. It makes me wonder if I can reconcile it or if it’s too late. My dad is pretty sensitive and it feels like he has been pulling away after noticing how weird and disconnected I’ve been.
Maybe today I will summon the courage to start reaching out.
|
self.depression
|
I'm only 18 I reached out how I could, and I got resources. They've helped me grow so much out of the mentality I had, and it was wonderful spending one of my last days happy. But I know too much and I've seen too much of the abuse, and now I have to go. I can't die a child and then come back at 18 and try to live the life I needed, so what exactly is there now. Childhood is the only time that matters, and if you fail to build yourself up as a kid or if you weren't built up by parents who love you then there is very little here in the adult world.
Growing up was supposed to prepare me to work my life away, learn how to cope, learn how to be nurtured, and more to make me a productive adult. But a sick pedophile and his bipolar wife were in charge of me and didn't let me grow for 18 years. They still won't even with me gone from the house, she will come to my appointments and lie to my face about stalking me, or looking through my search history, texts and location information. It doesn't matter what you are as an adult when you have trauma. The trauma doesn't get better, you simply HAVE to learn to "get over it." But the problem is in order to "get over" trauma you first have to rationalize what happened. But unfortunately you can't possibly rationalize something that wasn't meant to happen. None of the people I called "friends" in school knew because I would've died if I called cops or CPS. They already took the pedophile away but the bipolar bitch brought him back and kept letting him stay home alone with us. He didn't work at all for pretty much my whole life. And I was stuck at home being homeschooled. The trauma makes up literally my whole childhood from age 12-16.
My body is killing me slowly, but it's my way out. It'll starve itself of all the nutrients that I should be absorbing and then I will eventually die, likely of an aneurysm. It happened to someone my mom know and she watched it happen, so I know how that its the only way to go. If I allow it to take me instead getting fluids in my body like the ER told me to then I wouldn't have killed myself, but instead my body would have done it for me. I always knew I was supposed to die at 18, and now the time is coming. I've felt the death for a few weeks now and I can finally feel it. I have been hearing voices and seeing things lately, and those are signs that I'm getting weaker and closer to death. No mentality change will bring me back, I have already died and there is nothing to make me a new person.
I'm gonna keep working and allowing my body to do this, because I understand everything now. I saw things from the happy perspective and now I need to allow the universe to make its move. It tried killing me the other night when I almost crashed and died, but I cared too much about my insurance premium going up and my car payments because it's not mine yet. But it's okay! It won't ever be mine and I won't have to suffer. I feel the signs in my body now that I'm in great pain. I'm 6 ft 2 and weigh 147 pounds at 18 years old, and I'm ready to go back! If I don't kill myself and I let my body do it the way the universe is intending then I'll no longer suffer and I can finally reincarnate as a child with a past life. I made it to 18. Now I can go back
|
self.depression
|
For those who worry about things.. In a world where depression and anxiety are on a steady rise (and having experienced both at some point myself), here's some positive food for thought I felt like tossing out there.
We are more connected to the world now than any generation before us thanks to having things such as the internet, smartphones and social media. We once grew up restrictively learning the cultures and values of our geographic location. Today, young people are now raised in a world with access to ANY culture, idea or world view at ANY given time. In part to this, the constructs of society are slowly changing. Walls are coming down and our conflicting values are clashing left, right and center.. but don't be fooled into thinking this is a bad thing. Is it a shit storm? Yes. But we are getting much needed kinks worked out, and it is within this new line of widely accessible communication that world changing, considerate and progressive conversations will eventually start and finish. It is messy, but necessary.
Given this shit storm, it's easy for me to see why people are feeling a bit lost. The world seems so much bigger now, especially now that we can see the vast realm of realities out there. Sometimes it can be hard for us to grasp concepts or understand others. People in 2017 will get triggered over a packet of coloured pencils, and everyone is clutching on anything in hopes for what is right and wrong in the world. Let this be known; NOBODY is right.. and NOBODY is wrong. Our views on every little thing are purely subjective to our values and experiences, and the shocking part of it all is... that is okay! The only people who are “wrong” are those who force those ideas on others in one sided discussions or by using harmful, violent or conservative tactics.
I guess where I'm getting at is that people seem to be too hesitant, embarrassed, shy or even afraid to really put themselves out there today in fear of getting berated or shunned down by the world. This is where I say, have faith in the person you are and be as crazy, cringe worthy or weird as you truly are. As long as you are a person who practices open-mindedness and empathy, the chips will fall into place. As previously stated, the world is a big fucking place, and there is always others out there who think and feel just like you do. They probably hide it too. Put yourself out there and let them find and respect you. If you don't value progressive debates, you have no obligation to be part of them. Just continue to make the mistakes you learn from and work to be a person you can be proud to be. Don’t be ashamed to dedicate yourself to that small, insignificant thing you do in the world, even if it only makes it 1% better. If 100 people managed that, we'd be 100% better.
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self.offmychest
|
I feel like a terrible pet owner. I don't hurt my dog or act abusive towards him, I just don't treat him the way he deserves. I neglect him. I barely walk him and my dad and brother always end up doing it. I barely pet him either, and I get mad at him when he barks and yell at him sometimes. I love him a lot, and I know that if he were to pass away I would be filled with regret at having not loved and cared for him more. I'M SORRY OLLIE!
Edit: Okay I've decided to change my bad pet owning ways. I've been giving him pets and stuff for a while now and he seems to be enjoying it : ) My New Years resolution is to be a better pet owner.
|
self.offmychest
|
If I mainly experience panic attacks after having coffee, is it still a disorder? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Fuck everything. Why can't I feel emotions toward people anymore or get excited over anything? I feel like I'm running out of excuses to go on. I'm numb and I'm running thinner and thinner.
|
self.depression
|
Thing I did when I was hypomanic First episode happened at the age of 20 before I knew I was manic depressive. To note, I was super into meditation and finding enlightenment and all that when my first episode hit so I just thought "I did it" because prior to that I was an emotional person, indifferent to most things all the time. So, "I did it." It started with me actually having an experience I figured to be a kundalini awakening because I was woken up by a jet traveling up my spine and into the base of my brain and BOOM i was zoooooming! Literally thought I had cracked the soul code and multiplied my self by pulling another soul down from the heavens. When the energy wasnt dwindling I knew I had done it. I told all my friends that I was the second coming of Jesus. All I wanted to do was run, and I did, because I felt like the flash and was the fastest man in the world. I started running around thinking I was here to save humanity. I thought I broke past the wall of time and the illusion of life and had begun manifesting my reality in real time like the time I was driving my car without gas and thought it was because I was a God. I was living with a friend at the time and got kicked out because I stole a check from his dad thinking it was laid out for me, by him, and wrote in 50k took it to the bank and tried to cash it telling the banker I had just gotten signed for rapping. Luckily I dipped out of the bank before they could call the cops. I didnt leave because i thought i would get in trouble i left because I had another important task that I had to complete at thay exact moment. I drove around my city at high speeds running lights because I was God in the flesh and somehow did not get caught. After getting kicked out of my friends place i moved in with my brother and sister who hadnt been all that nice to me growing up so I was attributing my not being able to sleep to their being demons sent to disrupt my plan to save humanity. I kept leaving at all hours of the night to do block patrol around the apartment complex screaming at anyone i thought was a threat. Almost died a few times. On one of my walks during the day i picked up a huge rock and slammed it right in front of two teenage boys telling them to tell their dad I know what hes been doing and he better come talk to me or else. I received a tax return check and my sister told me i needed to go somewhere, which now i know she meant move elsewhere, so i decided to drive my subaru impreza to san francisco. I got to san fran, parked my car in a random neighborhood and started walking around hippie hill. I yelled at several people, told some people if they run, they die and got surrounded by cops several times. All situations I managed to talk my way out of. I found some folks selling weed bough some and rolled up a blunt at a busy bus stop (before it was all legal m shit) and proceeded to spark it up and continue my journey. After some time i got stopped by police for the weed and was detained. They let me go after some hours and at that point i remembered i drove to san fran and had no idea where my car was. I took a taxi back to hippie hill and tried to find my vehicle and could not. I continued walking and ran into a dude running around with no shirt or shoes on who just came out of some trees at random and we just clicked cause of crazy. Parted ways and continued my screaming at people and ended up being picked up by cops again but this time taken to a psych ward for a couple days. They let me go and I kept trying to find my car. I walked around for days not sleeping or having anywhere to go until i was down to my last 30 bucks and greyhounded back to Reno. I never found my car.
So much more happened during that episode but i cant remember. It was a time ago.
Had two more episodes since that were equally damaging smh. Start out fun as hell and just crash n burn so fast.
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone distance themselves sitting the middle of having a manic episode? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Everything I can do is too boring, everything I want to do is too hard. :(
|
self.depression
|
(help) Anyway to get over social anxiety? I know this has been asked plenty before but I can't even bring myself to say more then a few words to people without nearly having a panic attack I want to meet people and make friends maybe even a girlfriend but the stress and fear of looking or saying something stupid just terrifies me
|
self.Anxiety
|
Don't know if this goes here but oh well [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm doing terrible in school, in trouble, and feel directionless and stressed I'm close to failing the semester. I need to pull out very high grades on my final exams to pass my classes. I've never had a worse semester and I'm doubting, again, if I can really finish this. I can't find the will or motivation to actually do any studying or work. I waste so much time. On my cell, reddit, music, and a couple games. On the computer to study? Let's check out reddit, music, youtube, random google searches.
I'm in serious trouble at school, and need to lie to save myself from an accusation. Nothing evil, or reprehensible, but still wrong. Everything is in my favor, but I'm still nervous about it. I just need to find a way to be calm when questioned. This looms in my mind and worries the hell out of me.
I haven't slept well in a while, I constantly wake up throughout the night and have dreams. I feel very lonely too. Two people have already said they noticed it looks like I'm not doing too well, and I just told them I was ok. I really don't have anyone to talk to and I don't hang out with anybody, ever. I don't even want to ask classmates for help with the finals because I don't want to just leech off them and waste my time with them.
I wish I were able to calm my mind and brush away the constant worry, stress, and negative thoughts I have. When I am calm, I feel amazing, like I could do anything at all in the world. My mind is tranquil and I feel good. This doesn't happen often because I just can't let myself be.
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self.offmychest
|
About to be fired again because I’m just too stupid and incompetent. Okay, this is my first post here and maybe I just need to vent, I hope that’s okay.
I’m 34 years old and I don’t think I’ve ever done anything right in my entire life. I was diagnosed with depression in high school and have always struggled with it, though I was just diagnosed by a PCP, never seen a psychiatrist.
Years back I got laid off from a factory job that made me miserable, so I decided to get an office job. I was so happy to have a “normal person” job, but I was just too stupid to figure it out. Everyone else learned it no problem but I was always behind, no matter how much they tried to help me I couldn’t make my numbers, constantly made mistakes, and eventually they fired me.
So then I got my current office job. Okay, this time it’s going to be different. A fresh start. I’m going to focus, ask questions, and learn it inside and out. I thought it was a perfect fit. Now a couple years later and I’m about to be fired again. I kept getting more and more work, I was totally overwhelmed and couldn’t figure out how to get it all done, and got really behind. Then last week I got an awful kidney stone and had to be out most of the week. While I was gone they discovered my secret. I was behind, unorganized, couldn’t keep track of things, I was a mess, I was letting everyone down. Everyone knew. It was confirmed my coworkers don’t like me. My boss has all but told me I’ll be fired next week.
I just don’t understand why I can’t be a normal person. I come across as fairly well spoken and intelligent, but I ALWAYS screw it up. I ALWAYS let everyone down. I have no skills, no talents, no strengths, nothing. Nothing to offer anyone. Always been single, my roommate is moving out so soon I’ll live alone. My worthless brain can’t even keep a low paying entry level job.
You know Imposter Syndrome? Where you feel like everyone else knows what they’re doing but you and eventually they’ll find out you don’t belong? Well usually that’s just in your head, but I keep being proven right and people keep finding out.
Once I lose this job I have no idea what I’ll do. It’s being proven over and over again that there’s nothing I’m smart enough or competent enough to be able to do.
This, along with everything else, has sent me into an intense and scary depression cycle. I hate myself. I can’t stand even a second of silence. I have to keep either a video or podcast of my favorite internet people (Giant Bomb, a video game site) going constantly or I just break down into tears. I just want to be a normal person and not this worthless, terminally incompetent idiot who’s afraid literally every second of every day.
Sorry this was so long. If you read it all that really means a lot to me. I guess I just needed this really bad today.
Edit: I’ve never been a cryer, but the tag line to this sub is making me choke up every time I read it. It’s so nice.
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self.depression
|
Had a revelation while watching Home Alone 2 Kevin meets a homeless woman who surrounds herself with pigeons and initially he is very scared of her, most people are she says. Later on when they talk she reveals to him why she's homeless and spends all her time with the pigeons
"The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people."
This is my future, I don't have one. My girlfriend doesn't love me anymore and my heart is broken. She just wants to be friends but my heart is selfish.
9 years, I don't think I could ever love again. You were my heart and soul.
Do you think that we could get back together one day, that she may love me again? She still kisses me and tells me she loves me... Could be confusion... I want to stay positive
Just thought I'd share
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self.offmychest
|
I hate everyone who has ever gotten to have a romantic relationship and cuddle with a man. I wonder if there's such a thing as a cuddle prostitute and would I go tho I know he'd be repulsed by my appearance and I would be repulsed by his shallowness.
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self.offmychest
|
i feel pretty good honestly and i'm scared it won't last or that i'll only ruin it life is starting to feel a bit easier but it's scaring me so much i don't know how to react
|
self.depression
|
I wish I could just have everything go away. Why do I have to live this way? I feel like no one would care if I just suddenly died. I feel so alone...
|
self.depression
|
I want to be good enough for someone Why am I so unlovable?
I have friends, I have ambition, I have hobbies and interests. But no one has any interest in getting to know me. They just wanna hit me up to fuck every once in a while. I feel like I've just kind of accepted that's the closest thing to intimacy I'm going to get so I just go with it at this point.
I'm normal looking, maybe not especially attractive but not ugly either.. Make-up and skin care is actually one of my hobbies. Sometimes I put make-up on for fun even if I know I'm not leaving the house.
I don't meet anyone on Tinder, IRL, or anywhere else. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, but a part of me doesn't care enough.
Whatever. Maybe I'm just bitter because so many of my friends and acquaintances have boyfriends. My brother told me guys at my age don't want relationships, but at least 10 people I know my age have boyfriends. So clearly its not the age, its just me.
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self.offmychest
|
It's very difficult to comply with medications when the consequence of not taking them is often irrational happiness I do embarrass myself though :/
|
self.bipolar
|
Life is simply not for everyone. I've moved my date to an even earlier one. I was going to end it all on the 5th of January but I'm moving to the 3rd. I just can't take it anymore. Things have gotten the best of me and it all proves I'm just not meant for this life. I don't have what it takes, I never have, and I never will. Things will only get worse from here on. Not better. It'll all get worse until I literally starve or freeze to death. Not another year of things getting worse. No more.
Life is not for everyone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Has anyone had to stop their SSRI due to it elevating their blood pressure? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Posted this when I really was in need. Received zero responses. Posting again. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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All I have ever wanted is a peaceful end And now it seems that I won't be able to get it. Fuck my life ( and apparently death).
|
self.depression
|
Abilify Side Effects? Does anybody else have sensory issues on abilify? Everything is too bright and too loud and I get nauseous every time I stand for too long and I still have no appetite, but have been trying to eat. I also have been feeling irritable and anxious and sweating a lot. Halp!
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self.bipolar
|
I wish I didn’t feel neglected. I miss how we used to be. How much love we had. Now after a huge fight the relationship just doesn’t feel the same.
You’re cold and distant.
I feel alone and ignored.
I love you
I’m just scared.
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self.offmychest
|
My life is just the biggest joke - I was born as a male though I'm a girl.
- I can't even come out with this kind of parents, family, "friends", country.
- I was abused by my father.
- I did not pass to the next class.
- I lied to my parents about school, I actually dropped it due to my social dysphoria.
- I constantly lied that I went to school for a whole year, no one even knows. Due to my dysphoria, I just enclosed myself in the virtual world.
- Even though I managed to join a college without high school diploma, I dropped it too.
- I fled a western country to a eastern one, where the LGBTQ+ are bullied.
- I've got no perspectives for the future, just working for a company which bringed me here.
Suicidal thoughts are a thing, especially that I'm alone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm scared for my brother and can't do shit He just messaged me about becoming more and more depressed. Apparently his marriage is in deep trouble and he has no idea how to deal with it.
He has always been the most sensitive in our family, going through tough depressive episodes. My parents are shitty, and can't be counted on as emotional support... so we grew up not knowing how to maintain our emotional health. Everyone is always repressing their emotions, being all "if you ignore it, it's not there" and "there is no such thing as depression, everyone has problems."
I've been there, wanting to end my life... no one knew. Or at least, no one did anything to help me.
Now I am so scared he wont be able to get through it. I can't do anything, because he lives in a different country and only visits every one or two weeks. I told him to get individual or couple's therapy but that is the most I can do. Besides... one part of me is just screaming "I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS" as there have been plenty of problems going on in my own life. I'm always fighting to keep my head above the water. And now, my brother is there, drowning with me. I can't keep both of us afloat. I can't.
I don't know what to do.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm 31 and still single and don't know what's wrong with me and just don't want to be alone anymore and hate knowing I'll never get to have kids. I'm sick of pretending that I don't mind being single.
I'm sick of how saying I'd like to get married and have children means I am breaking some feminist code. Why is it so 'anti-feminist' to want to have my own family one day? I can be a feminist and want kids, they are not mutually exclusive concepts.
My biological clock is going to run out before I meet someone because no one wants me.
I hate how a lot of people assume I am some 'washed up wall hitter who is sick of the cock carousel and is now whining because no one wants a haggard 31 year old who fucked 1000s of men'. I'm actually very sexually inexperienced for my age - I went to University in a country where most people live at home and go to a University in their city or get a train to the nearest big city. I graduated right into the recession in a country that was heavily hit by youth unemployment and has a notoriously expensive housing market. Like many people my age, I was forced to live at home through much of my twenties because of a lack of employment opportunities and affordable housing. You basically need a partner to afford to move out here or parents willing to pay your rent, and mine were not. So no. I'm not a 'bitter former rider of the cock carousel'. And I'd be too scared of getting pregnant anyway - I wouldn't have wanted kids with a 'random' guy anyway, I want them with someone I love. You can't exactly have a revolving door of men in your bedroom when your mom and dad sleep in the room next door and go to bed at 9pm and rise by 5am If anything, I actually panic I'm not 'good enough' at sex for someone to want to marry me.
I also don't understand what is wrong with me. I mean, I don't look like a sports illustrated swimsuit or victoria's secret model but I'm not ugly or unattractive or overweight - I objectively have a nice ass and nice boobs and a decent looking face. I work out, I look after my skin, I don't drink or smoke or do drugs and I look several years younger than my age. I'm not uneducated or stupid. I'm well spoken in both of my native languages as well as English which we do all through school here and I've learned another to a conversational level. A lot of people say I'm funny and witty. I'm good at holding a conversation and I don't suck socially. I have a lot of friends - I've been a bridesmaid *14* times so it's not like I'm unlikeable as a person. It's just that.......no one seems to want to date me. Guys either view me as a friend, are already with someone and I don't want to be their 'sidepiece', or they seem to like me few a few days and then get bored of me.
I just don't get it. Every where I turn, it seems other women get married and have kids, and it's starting to feel like it will never happen to me. I've been crying for a couple of hours because I thought I met someone and he was really into me....for a few weeks, and now I'm basically being brushed off and it's clearly over me and I just can't handle it anymore. My 2 sisters are both married and are younger than me which makes me feel worse because everyone points out to me that they are younger and I fucking KNOW that god-damn just stop.
I love kids. I'm good with kids. I'll never get to have them.
I am a loving person, but I'll never have someone to love.
I want to be loved but no one will ever love me.
I'm so lonely because everyone is all paired up and no one want me.
What's wrong with me?
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self.offmychest
|
I am taking a month to mull over my suicide [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
5mg Abilify - haven’t slept in 2 days? Has anyone else experienced this? Ever since I started taking it Saturday I haven’t slept a wink. I have taken it before and found it activating but not like this, kind of freaking out. I’m not tired at all so that makes it extra worrying. This is the only drug I’m on.
|
self.bipolar
|
Finished and soon to graduate; wrote up something memorable. Done.
It has been a long ride.
I graduated high school in spring of 2010, but lack of direction and uncertainty held me back. That and...
In the summer of 2011, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I and hospitalized, subsequently losing all sense of purpose and sense of self. For the next 4 years, equating me to a mindless zombie wouldn't at all be inaccurate; the only thing that kept me going was a sense of structure and sense of obligations I clung desperately to because I no longer trusted myself to know how to live. I took time off and took less units to try and find myself but thinking back now, it had all been futile; my sense of identity hinged on the opinion of others rather than myself, so from the very start, even before everything, I had a hollow base. The only thing that kept me going was this hope that I'll find peace eventually, whatever that meant.
It wasn't until I entered *[insert awesome State University name]* in fall in 2015 that I truly took my life in my hands, taking full advantage of their Student Health Center and getting the help I needed to find my way back to myself. They didn't fully "fix" me but they gave me tools so that I was able to use it to find my path myself, as it relates to me. Even now, I'd be a fool to say I'm done growing; but I'd be doing myself a huge disservice if I didn't admit my outlook of life is where I finally want it to be, truly from my core and not from the "noise" outside of myself.
I am finally content, the state of mind I subconsciously always longed for. I thought I wanted happiness but in the end it was always fleeting. I thought I longed for the end of suffering but I've realized my struggle against the natural occurrences of life, as well as the indulgence of intrusive thoughts, were the cause of them. I thought love would help patch me up but the premise depended on finding someone patient and compassionate enough to help me do it, not to mention shifting the responsibility of taking care of myself onto another. In the end, I realized the person I will always have was myself and that was where I eventually started. Thank... “eventuality,” that I did.
I've always held the opinion bipolar stole 4 years of productivity, growth and peace from me, but in all honesty, it brought me that much closer to it. To that end, much love to *[insert awesome State University name]* for having such a talented mental health faculty and resources, because I don't know how much longer it would've taken me if that support wasn't there. And of course, everyone and everything in between.
So cheers to life and to all the shit that has happened, to all the challenges currently being handled, and to all the opportunities for growth hiding just around the corner. You've been so generous in the experiences you give, yet so very stingy to impart the wisdom you meant me to have. Thanks for building my character and helping me be less foolish when I have been. But I'm still a fool, so I guess I’ll be seeing you around.
Preferably tomorrow, I gotta wake up early in the morning.
But you do you, bro; nothing I can actually do anyways.
Obligatory favorite song, just because.
Song: "The Ghosts of Beverly Drive" - Death Cab for Cutie
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self.bipolar
|
I'm tired, I need someone to tell me I'm okay. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
24 female small town girl. Never left California. Shy and full of movie quotes. Helllloooo I’m just looking for stupid attention like always. Stupid me. Anyways. Hi. I’m taylor. I like Mac and cheese and thick burgers. I enjoy Ace Ventura and will Ferrell. I have no confidence I have debt in school. I work at frikkin Mcdonalds so fucking glamours you have no idea man. I’ve got curves. I hate my anxiety/depression. I’m full of attention wanting bullshit. And I’m a night owl with long wings
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self.Anxiety
|
It's almost 10 am and I'm still trying to fall asleep. Woke up after dark, managed to shower and that's about it. Was gonna hand in this absense form thing since I haven't been to any lectures all year, but couldn't even do that. Managed to eat one of the two burgers I bought at McDonald's. About three weeks on fluoxetine now. Feeling restless. What are you doing?
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self.depression
|
Highschool seemed like the best years of my life. What were yours? I know this is absolutely toxic thinking, focusing on the past like this, but I'm just spiraling right now and can't help but do so.
Overcoming the worst years of my life (middle school), high school was a breeze. Literally no one cared and the one time I almost got bullies after me, we got it dealt with right away before the idiots could beat me up after i leave school grounds (hello police officer).
But in all seriousness, highschool had it's ups and downs but it just feels so iconic right now. I guess maybe a big reason is because my boyfriend who I've had since grade 11, we are on our 7th year together but it's been rough because my bipolar and bpd have gone out of control. I feel I havent matured and im stuck and he's matured so much. I want it to be like how it used to be when we were equals. I cherish all my memories with him so much.
And in high school, literally NO BODY CARED. Like if you were an ass, people would be an ass back, but at least where I hung out, no one gave a shit. I also had the most supportive art teacher who helped me multiple times when I was cycling very severely. I had friends, passions, growth.
Now I'm so stagnant. Barely getting by in my 5th and last year of university. Living with my boyfriend until April 1st because our lease is up and I need to move to our hometown temporarily to afford residence for my post-graduate program next september. I barely have any friends or anyone to talk to or hang out with but whenever there's an opportunity, i straight up cant because of mental breakdowns or being sick so how can I make friends if I don't give off the vibe I want to?
And I do try to make friends elsewhere too, but literally no one wants to be friends. I've reached the point in my life that if you didn't keep friends from highschool and didn't make them the first week of your post secondary program's 1st semester, you know no one. Everyone has their groups so why add a new person?
I don't know. Maybe it's loneliness, hopelessness, and depression getting to me. I'm also paranoid my boyfriend is going to break up with me too... after 7 years. Fuck I love him so much and honestly won't even attempt to love anyone else if that ever happens.
God I'm a wreck. I know it wasn't perfect and I can't believe I'm saying it but coming from someone who graduated it 6 years ago. I miss being in high school. I wouldn't even change a SINGLE thing either. Keep both the good and the bad. I just want to experience it again. How carefree I was and passionate for my pursuits. How easy life really was. Anyone else have a time in their life they feel was the best that they miss?
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self.bipolar
|
Freaking out about job interview in 7 hours Hi guys,
I (23F) am going on my fourth job interview today and I need help. How to stay calm? How do I even DO an interview?
I've asked why the others didnt hire me, I got 'not enthusiastic enough' and 'does not fit in the team'. How CAN I be enthusiastic when I'm nervous?
Also: How do you answer the question 'why do you want to work here?' ( this compagny seems fun. But how do I know why I want to work there?)
Thanks so much guys!
Love,
Dawn
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self.Anxiety
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No matter how down you are feeling, what is one thing that can always put a smile on your face?
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self.depression
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I just feel like i hit a wall, over and over again Honestly, its hard for me to entirely put this into words. Has anyone else ever felt like they were just coasting through life? Like you do whats expected of you and if you can help it, you literally do NOTHING more? I feel like ive been here for ages. Just walking into the same wall over and over again. Not changing my approach because for all intents and purposes, I know there is a door I have the key, and I CAN walk through, but I dont, I wont. like I just cannot bring myself to allow myself that victory, that success. Everything I have feels to me like I dont deserve it. Everything I have has been from me taking the easy way, making excuses not to stick to something more long term. I am just so unhappy, and whenever I think about doing something fun, I feel like I cant breathe. I know that I am the problem. I know what I want but I cant bring myself to get it. I know that most of what keeps me so down all the time is how incredibly and totally lonely I feel always. I cant stand it. I hate being perpetually alone. Perpetually surrounded by people who arent the sort of people I want around me all the time. Not to say they arent great, they are all amazing and valued friends. I would not trade them for the world. The thing is, they are all so successful, they have everything I wish I had and its hard to look them in the eye from where I am. I just hate myself and I cannot justify making myself part of anyone elses life. Its hard enough not being a total drag on the people I have already. Waking up is so hard for me, its a struggle to get out of my bed ever single day. Sometimes I dont sleep because then I dont have to deal with the struggle of waking up. Everytime i go to sleep I secretly wish to be in some sort of long term coma. Like I dont want to wake up.
I guess im really here just to complain, I cant really say I think im getting better, but I feel less anxious about my life when I write these walls of text. Right now my goal for improvement is simple. I just want to feel like im allowed to look at other people as equals. Look them in the eye and say hello. I feel like a loser that my goal is literally juust that. I am going places, I can tell...
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self.depression
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Societal expectations - I always tell myself I'll disregard them and do my thing, but somehow I always end up being affected by them. [deleted]
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self.depression
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How to to remain calm sitting or in silent situations? Hello everyone, I have been struggling with this peculiar issue for a while and I don't understand it at all and it is killing me inside. Basically, I have found that when I have to sit down next to someone or sit in silence I have all this anxious energy that starts to manifest. My heart rate rises rapidly, I feel tense in every limb, especially my neck and face, and my stomach starts to feel queasy.
I know these symptoms continue because I overthink but sometimes it just comes out of no where. I have no idea why I get so anxious when I have to sit next to someone in silence. When I get this anxious I start to worry about nervously twitching and I pay a lot of attention to the person next to me and hope they don't see my twitch.
This twitch mainly happens because of other people's actions. I am very reactive when I get this anxious or overthinking. The instant someone moves their head or sniffs loudly my neck and head will jolt and I feel like my face contorts. I feel like my over-thinking kicks in when I think that people can see these re-actions and feel very uncomfortable around me but I am trying to convince myself that it is no big deal and that nobody is paying attention.
This last part I can work on. But for why I get so fucking anxious in the first place and get all tense and twitchy I don't understand why. I just want to be calm sitting down next to someone and focus on what's infront of us and not so tense but I don't know how.
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self.Anxiety
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How to you get your head out of that loop? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm tired of living. None of my friends appreciate me. As of now, one of them are in another room, playing games on my laptop, and become annoyed when I go in, or if I ask to use it. One of my parents left when I was a toddler, and the other constantly yells and swears at me. I haven't accomplished anything as a teenager. I'm just another drain on the planet's resources that shouldn't exist. I'm not good at anything, and I know that I won't ever become the best at something. No one seems to want to hire me when I apply for jobs. I have a long distance relationship with my girlfriend, and I haven't met her in person before. I don't see any point in life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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23M [F4m] snapchat? Bored and wanna chat. PM to get to know me
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self.depression
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Anxious, nauseous, and just want to jump in front of a bus I’m not actually going to jump, but it feels like a better alternative. I don’t want to tell my parents I’m about to fail out of student teaching—my second career endeavor I won’t complete. I don’t want to tell them a week before my wedding when everything is already so crazy. Beyond the disappointment I know my mom will get mad. She’ll scream and yell. But the worst is she doesn’t even care how I feel or what I’m going through. She just cares about what she has to tell other people and what they’ll think. Because god forbid I’m someone who is still finding their career. I have an official meeting at the university on Monday and I don’t know what to do if they forcefully withdraw me from the program. I won’t want to come home but I’ll have to. I just want to crawl up in a blanket and cry and sleep and wake up from this nightmare that’s my life.
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self.Anxiety
|
My therapist is going on vacation and I won't see her for 9 days I don't think I can survive those 9 days without any type of support. Seeing her twice a week is barely enough. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm going to snap one of these days, I just know it. Hopefully I'll kill myself.
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self.depression
|
wish i could apologize to my family 17m i’m sitting on the batjroom floor of my workplace with a bottle of pills in hand. i just wish i could apologize to my sister & my parents for not being everything that i could’ve been. i won’t be around much longer, and i’m sorry to all of you. none of you deserve this. nobody deserves this. thank you all for being there when things got dark. i love you all.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Apology for suicide attempt...what to say... I want to give an "I'm sorry" present and card to a professor who I am pretty close with and is also my boss at my job. She is pretty much one of the few reasons why I didn't completely go through with it, so she matters a lot to me. She's pretty upset about what I did, and I feel terrible that I just added to her stress levels.
I'm going to get her chocolates, because I know she loves candy, but any ideas on what to say in my note/card? I'm awful with emotional touchy, feely stuff.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just want to get over my EX I just want to be able to let her go. I just want to be free of this spell she has on me. I just want these feelings to go away. I just want to forget the last 7 years didn't happen.
We haven't spoken in a week, but that only makes the sea of emotions I have for her unsteady and tumultuous.
I just want to have peace. Learn to love myself again.
But I love her too much.
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self.offmychest
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I've always thought I just had depression... So, I had my first depressive episode at 8 years old. Seriously. I've pretty much thought I had MDD. My last psychiatrist actually did diagnose me with Bipolar 1. Always really feeling my depression, not my mania, I thought he was wrong. I have since lost my insurance, and even though I can easily get mental health support through my county, I just quit taking my meds.
I've been following this subreddit for a few days amd the more I read posts and memes, the more I believe I am bipolar. In fact, I think I've been manic for at least a few weeks now. At least it got me a better job, and my house is clean.
Seriously, I don't know if this was allowed, but its nice to find people that I relate to 100%.
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like I'm going to die of sadness and unwillingness to live. Hello there.
Sadly, my message deleted itself from reddit as I messed up with options... I'll rewrite again...
I feel like my life is coming to an end ; not necessarily because of suicide on itself, but because I'm losing the will to live little by little.
I've been in a long distance relationship since February 2017 ; I knew the girl for 6 years, but never had the chance to meet until then. It was great until she was in a very shady situation with one of her male friends in June. After talking about it together, we concluded the friend may be flirting, and my girlfriend was oblivious to it.
We decided she would not talk to him again as we went on a week long vacation somewhere. After we parted ways, we had a week break before I came back to her house for her birthday ; and I discovered she talked back to the friend because he has been claiming sadness and depression (which i cannot confirm nor deny). Along the way, she lied to me about the quantity of messages ("only reading, not answering" to "30 messages a day" to "100 messages a day"), and I discovered she "jokingly" invited him to help her sleep at another's friend house that she needed to guard because the said friend was in vacation and she was afraid. Also, she accepted to go to a party with him after the birthday... But told me she actually wouldn't attend and planned to quit talking to him after the birthday as she felt guilt.
I was extremely upset. That's when we talked a whole day. After that day, when we settled for an agreement, I checked her phone and discovered she sexted someone else on Snapchat. She told me it was a toxic relationship, and that she needed the strenght to get out of it.
After that part, I actually wanted to end the relationship, but she used the argument that her birthday was the day after in order to have me stay.
Also, she planned to live near me ; and after a "peaceful" summer (I asked her many times wether it was the whole story, if there were other things I needed to know... But we didn't argue much other than that) I left my parents home, and she left her and traveled here.
We struggled a lot with learning to live without parents, but we actually succeeded. We also were lucky enough to live literally next to each other.
After a few months, she felt like she missed her original environment and parents ; after all, she's still 18 and I could understand... But she wrote a break up letter along the way. Then, she told me she still loved me, but felt "uneasy" at the idea of being in a relationship with me, and also was afraid to hurt me.
After living a few weeks in that state, I asked to get back in a relationship and she agreed a few days before she traveled back home.
I struggled so much with it. I had so many concernes about the past, present and future. But she promised that in June she would come back and we would marry and live together.
Now, the situation goes downhill. There was a moment where I was missing her a lot and being very sad about it ; she tried to stay positive and felt guilty everytime I was sad. Funnily enough, the day I realized I needed to forget the past and hope onto the future, she got really sick (a flu) ; that was wednesday. And since then, I am very "hopeful" and optimistic, and she barely ever says a "darling", and only answers "me too" to "I love you"s.... I feel so alone.
I don't want to do anything. Most of the time, I just get in bed as I come back home from school.
I can't sleep regularly. And in order to "not feel alone", I put my favorite anime on my computer in order to hear noises and have a sense of company.
When I come back home from school, I feel like playing games and so on, but then I feel a very heavy burden on my shoulders, whispering me I should rather go to bed.
When she messages me, I cannot help but answer immediatly. I feel like a puppet.
I only eat once a day.
I'm scared, really. I'm scared ; she told me her "lesser carefulness" was because she was sick ysterday night, and confronted me about being selfish and only wanting to be loved. She said she didn't know what to do with the relationship?
The saddest thing? I told her a lot of things, and kind of agreed to not give up, and still have hope (I bought tickets in order to visit her in a month)... Today, I said I love her, and I was actually "happy" to see "me too"... Happy, and destroyed at how pathetic I became.
Please, help me. I can't do things on my own, because I don't get to feel like my life is worth living alone. I need to share.
Please, please help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Manic anxiety? So I have pretty bad anxiety. It involved some very severe derealization where I’m convinced at any moment I’ll snap and be insane.
What happens though is I’ll have a day that’s just awful. Anxiety at a huge peak, convinced reality is nothing, panic attacks, etc. ALL. DAY. LONG.
Then the next morning I’ll wake up. And be hyper as fuck. I’ll feel great, no anxiety, super productive. Then it’ll gradually fade over the next few days into a neutral state.
Then the cycle repeats, my anxiety will climb over a couple weeks to a peak, then I’ll be hyper asf afterwards.
Is this a real thing? I don’t think I’m depressed? I get a little down once the anxiety spikes high enough, but it’s more a fear of never getting out of the awful derealization.
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self.Anxiety
|
What is this, how can I make these feelings go away? Is this depersonalization/derealization? I keep getting these feelings:
-my life is over
-I'm watching the timeline of my life play out before my very eyes
-Nothing is real/nothing matters
-I get into these trance-like states where my brain feels like a television with nothing but black and white static on it, with a mild, feeling of sadness, depression. During these states, it's really hard to move or do anything.
Has anyone experienced things like this? I can't stop crying, I just want these feelings to stop. I want to feel alive. What helps?
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self.depression
|
I don't know what's wrong with me So, first off, I'm not 100% sure if I have depression, but I went through a 2 year period between around 14-16 where I just felt empty and lonely all the time and I kinda lost interest in everything and when I read up on it sounded pretty similar to depression. Now, I'm 18 at Uni, and I'm starting to get the same kinda feelings I had then.
I don't really know why though, I have plenty of friends on my course and in general on campus, I'm studying something I enjoy and I really like living away from home. I usually start off fine at the beginning of the day, but I just feel worse and worse as the day goes on, and sometimes I will just end up spending the last hour of my day laying in bed trying to cry but I can't.
I always try and keep a happy attitude and do whatever I can to make peoples days better, according my friends and flatmates I come off as pretty confident and outgoing, but I end up just feeling isolated and unable to actually talk to anyone. Partly because I would feel terrible putting the burden of my issues on someone else.
I think I have pretty bad self esteem too, a lot of the time I'll stare at myself in the mirror after taking a shower and think about how ugly I am. I've never been in a relationship before, never kissed anyone, and I live in flat with people who are the exact opposite of me relationship wise, they seem pretty experienced with everything relation related haha. I go to parties and clubs with them and I end up kinda just awkwardly stood in the corner, because I'm terrified of making anyone uncomfortable if I try to talk to them.
Sorry for the essay and the mess of a structure.
Basically, does this sound like depression to you guys? And if so, what can I do to feel better?
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self.depression
|
Just wanna share once again... ... that some how I am doing really well.
I have to call the damn police again on my 5 y/o dad for physical abuse.
I have to fix my mother fucking car with what money? IDK.
I entered a relationship of sorts thinking I was prepared but I guess I'm not but maybe I am. IDK.
Throw all this at me a year ago and I would be in a ward.
Meds and therapy, man, meds and therapy! :)
Edit: if anyone is curious ... She was spanked to the point of marks, so I called to file a report. It was to document, not press charges, as I felt it would be a wake up call for him because I do think he's a good dad despite what seems to be anger issues. But, she came home to me with a story, no marks, but an unnerving statement. So, I'm taking the necessary steps from there. Thank you guys for your concern.
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self.bipolar
|
I need someone to pm for a min. No one I know in real life understands.
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self.depression
|
I can’t take this anymore. I want to die right now.
I’ve always been an anxious person, but the anxiety didn’t interfere with daily tasks until I was 12 years old. I had been a good student up until then, but at that point I started neglecting to turn in certain assignments. I started missing school. Please note: I was not being lazy! My anxiety was just too intense. The following year (8th grade) things got a little worse. Then the year after that, things got a little worse Then the year after that, you know how this goes. I was 16 when I had the worst year of my life. I wanted to do well in school, truly, but I couldn’t do it. I missed so much school that year. And so many assignments. At one point I actually wrote a suicide note, but it was found before I did anything (although, even if the note was never found, I’m not sure I would have done anything). So then I dropped out and got my GED. Started attending the local community college. And that’s what I’ve been doing for the past two years. Passing some classes but failing others. I took a final for an important class just two hours ago, and I’m waiting for the professor to email me, to tell me if I passed or failed. I could have done so much better in this class. I should be transferring to another school right now, but I still have at least another three semesters to go. And that’s if I pass all my classes. I don’t want to live this life anymore.
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self.Anxiety
|
Random bursts of euphoria Sometimes I get these random bursts of euphoria, usually when I'm enjoying a sunset with a cigarette. It feels good, feels like life is beautiful and nothing really matters but it also feels kinda weird. I get excited and it somewhat reminds me of a panic attack. It usually lasts for a few minutes.
Anybody else gets this?
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self.Anxiety
|
My parents are recently separated My mom had an affair with a man at work, to keep it short. I knew the man, his wife, and his daughter, whom happened to be my best friends-sisters-best friend (confusing, sorry). I found out from finding a few notes in her purse while searching for gum and never told anyone. Then my best friend had told me, hearing from his sisters-best friend, that her parents were separated after hearing about the affair. Again I never told anyone. Christmas morning 2016, the news breaks and my father starts yelling and I take him out to calm down. Apparently everyone knew the whole time and I had felt lied to, being the youngest and going through some difficult times myself before this. This year has been rough, seeing the separation, realizing how different it was around the house since I found out and when my father would’ve found out, and everything that goes with a once loving pair of parents go to individuals signing papers to separate and see who gets what and how much. We all have made mistakes, especially me. But I have been having a hard time finding common ground with my mother, while me and my father have been getting along better than before. He’s been seeing someone, getting into different hobbies, got his old job back, lost weight etc. He also talks and is open about everything, which in turn allows me to do the same which was something I felt scared to do with them before. My mom won’t talk about anything, she wants to move on while being somewhat of a dark cloud whenever I go to do something with her. I hate the term “taking sides” and I don’t want to do that but my mom has a habit of making me feel guilty of things when it really isn’t anything I can control. I have forgiven her to an extent (not fully because I’m not sure if I can ever forgive someone for tearing apart my parents). I feel stuck, and here I am going back to school far away, where I can’t really do anything to forward our relationship except for communication which I struggle with. I’m not sure, I haven’t been in a great place myself, but I have a great girlfriend, good education, I enjoy my part-time
job. I still struggle making good grades, and friends. All I can really say is 2017 was a god damn wild year, a lot of changes, shocking moments, bad and good times. And I guess as I get further down the line in age, that’s just how life goes. I’m not sure if Im ready or excited for that, and how long I can take it, but at least that’s off my chest.
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self.offmychest
|
I don't know what to call what I did I've been pressing my knife up to my thigh and neck for a month or so. Today I just pressed the tip of my blade up against my throat to see how far in I could push, I started to feel the blade break skin so I stopped. I felt terrible afterwards, I don't have the courage to tell my therapist and face the consequences. I wish I had someone in my life that I trusted. I just want to be held by someone, I miss human contact.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know what to do anymore, can someone please make sense of this? Hello,
I want to introduce myself before i go. I'm a 25 year old engineering student(yes i know i'm quite old, but i didn't take school seriously until recently). I feel like a failure because my highschool friends are already starting a family and have great jobs. But anyways, i was never really suicidal until last year where my GF broke up with me out of no where and decided to date a mutual friend of ours. It's crazy how much rage i felt and how helpless i was. I tried to kill my self that night. I took 40 sleeping pills but i just end up hallucinating(my brother and friend took me to a hospital, they are the best).
After that event i considered myself lucky and promised my self to have a better life. So i decided to stop school for a bit because of my mental state and go find a job. I landed a well paying job and i was happy for a little bit, but they couldn't afford me anymore so i was laid off. So now i'm just in my house and waste my time watching, playing games, and started smoking marijuana regularly. The MJ usually just help me sleep because my medicine gives me insomnia.
It's crazy how i still think of my ex every hour. It's been almost a year and i still can't get over it. It drives me nuts, i wish i could just delete my memories.
What really bother me is that people actually care for me. My family love me unconditionally and my friends are there to back me up. I also have a psychiatrist and a therapist that are doing their best to help me.
I've been prescribe these:
1.Trinelex
2 Concerta
3.Rexulti
4.Lamotrigine
They help for a little bit but only for a few hours.
**
Fast-Forward:**
I'm really trying my best. I just want to go. I'm already thinking of making suicide notes for my love ones.
I know how much it will hurt them and will probably blame themselves for not helping me. Which is not true. I just wish they will understand that the only one to blame is me.
Sorry for this long post.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Checking my email gives me anxiety Right after I send an email, I get this immense feeling of dread/anxiety about getting a response back. I don't even know why since nothing bad has ever happened, but I fucking hate it. Anyone else struggling with this?
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self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety, Depression... Why not both? Sincere question to everyone here.
Do you think it's possible to have anxiety without depression? For a while I was getting CBT just for anxiety and it just never seems to stick. I know that I'm really affected by the season Nov-Jan, but depression has started to hit me really hard. This has been exacerbated by the death of someone important to me, but I think that having to deal with a life of anxiety that holds me back from things that I want to achieve is just really destroying me mentally.
I'm just curious whether it's possible to have anxiety without depression, or it's all part and parcel of this shitty deal?
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self.Anxiety
|
Can't stop myself from sleeping all day I have no job or responsibilities. I can't stop sleeping or putting a pillow over my head. Sleep is my only relief. What can I do to stop sleeping
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self.depression
|
Please someone give me some feedback about my first day at work [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
How do i convince my parents to get me a therapist ASAP? So its currently 2 in the morning and i cant sleep-as per usual.My maths exam is in one day and i feel like i dont know anything.I dont want to go to school,but i also dont want to miss the lessons.Im having problems talking about how i feel with my friends and i feel like people are using me.
I asked my parents if i could go to therapy,as i think that might help me cope with deppression and lonelyness,but i think im just getting desperate.
My dad told me that he thinks therapy doesnt help and its entirely worthless.My mom says she will try and find me a psycologist but i think she is too embarrased to ask anyone.
Im currently trying to stay positive but it just feels like im lying to everyone.If anyone even reads this what is your advice?
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self.depression
|
Can bipolar people be successful? Hi there friends! I'm a beginner when it comes to coping with bipolar disorder. I'm posting because I'm in need of a helping hand.
In the past I've struggled a lot with university because of my unstable ways. It becomes nearly impossible to concentrate on my studies when I'm riding a down. And I'm sure those of you who have been in uni (or any situation of the like) know that just one or two days of down time can be very costly.
I'll share with you a thought that has been bothering me a lot these days -- "what if bipolar people can't be successful?". I desperately want this pondering to be untrue and I really need all of you to help me prove it isn't true!
So to those of you who find yourself to be successful in any way shape or form -- what is your method???
- What are you successful in?
- Why do you consider yourself successful?
- How do you manage your disorder? (Routine, support group, mood tracking, diet, exercise, meditation, medication, friends, hobbies, family...?)
- How hard has it been to manage your disorder?
- How long did it take for you to get your disorder in check?
- What has been most helpful to you throughout your journey? (This can be anything!)
Help from you kind people would be so appreciated! I need to know that it's possible to succeed.
Thank you so much in advance!
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self.bipolar
|
And here comes the loneliness. My best and only friend ignored me. She told me to meet her at the beach for a walk in the morning, I arrived there at 5AM, waited her for 2 hours. Then she said sorry she couldn't come.
She was the only friend I have...
Cried oneself on the beach - I thought she is the cure for my damn loneliness and friendlessness.
It just got worse, thank you.
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self.offmychest
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General anxiety caused by perfectionism? Hey
I have been thinking a lot lately why I still have general anxiety and am struggling with motivation to study and do new things.
A few weeks ago I watched a video series on what makes people happy (according to some studies) and I was introduced to the terms "Maximizers" and "Satisficers". These are two types of people that look differently on the same problems. Say that a satisficer wants a new TV with some requirements (size, full HD etc.). The satisficer then looks for a product that fulfills the requirements and buys it when she/he finds it.
A maximizer on the other hand would not settle with a product that fulfills the requirements without knowing that there is not a better product out there (for the same value or acceptably higher price), and so would compare before buying, making sure that she/he did the best possible choice in terms of value for money (not counting in the time spent on actually comparing the products).
Anyway I realized that there might be some similarities to a perfectionist and a maximizer, perhaps in more severe cases they are interchangeable.
Not long ago I was helping my dad with a project of his and I couldn't help but get slightly irritated at how perfect he wanted everything to be. Always maximizing everything, wanting every aspect to be as good as possible. It was as if he always was looking for more work instead of settling and enjoying what we (mostly he) had built already. At one point we were fixing a thing and it was a bit stressful because we were going to have guests and we had to prepare other things. I then told my dad that "You know, I could fix this for you while you prepare the other stuff" and he rejected the idea "No we fix it later". It reminded me that my dad always has been afraid of trusting me in these kind of things. He always wants things done his way and if it is not perfect he will make a remark, if something is wrong he might even get irritated and with a annoyed voice tell me "No not like that". Not screaming, but with an obvious feeling of disappointment and annoyance. Additionally when my dad asks for help with something he will always do the interesting work and let me be "the tool holder" of sorts. Many times I just watch him work, waiting for him to say something. Just handing him the tools when he needs it or giving him a second hand in stabilizing something. He has always been open and glad to hear about ideas to make things better but when it comes down to the physical work he always seem to want to do it himself, it really is as if he doesn't trust me.
I also have an older brother and what I have come to realize about my brother is that his anxiety problems (he has been out of job for a very long time and basically has given up on studies since a very long time) could very well be related to this. And I think he knows it because he himself has told me a bit about how when he was younger "dad was even more of a perfectionist, always complaining and craving perfection". However I don't think my brother realizes that he is somewhat of a maximizer himself craving for perfectionism for the sake of perfectionism. I don't think he realizes that this behavior is kind of bad for him. I think this is a way for him to deal with his anxiety and perhaps make up for the times he felt he disappointed our father, and I can relate to that because I also find myself maximizing many times just for the sake of it. It is not time efficient but more over, it is not even a process of happiness, it is a obsessive process. A way to calm down the anxiety. Yet I have found myself doing it over and over prioritizing perfectionism in unimportant things over doing studies, for example.
The thing is that although my father has become a much better person these last few years he continues to gives us remarks daily. He will point out stuff that he thinks we should be doing that we are not, or he will point out something we could be doing better, or he will point out for us not to forget to do something, or he will ask us for advice or help about how he can maximize something. This is my relationship with my father in a nutshell. This is how he is, I believe it is some driver for him to avoid something that might be causing him pain, something that happened in his past. Anyway I don't know how to fix this, everyday he tells my brother these stuff and they are always well-meant but he doesn't realize himself that he just keeps breeding this mentality of perfectionism. For him near-perfect is just about good enough, less than that is a disappointment and should be fixed. Another thing about my father is that he never took keen interest in neither my brother's or my interests.
At first I thought he just needed to complain for the sake of complaining but I am starting to believe that he is a serious case of a maximizer and it is doing me and my brother no good. I mean I can't pretend not to be affected by it, I believe it does breed a sense of "You are not good enough" "You have to do it perfect" in us.
But I am not sure, there could be other reasons and I am just biased because I have been thinking about this for a while and seen some patterns.
It pains me to see my brother stuck not doing anything to further his path to a career, year after year. And it pains me that my dad doesn't realize that he needs to chill down and see the real value in things. I mean if I had a son I would rather let him fail and encourage him and let him fail again until he succeeded, thereby growing his confidence in himself and improving our relationship, rather than doing everything myself and pretty much excluding my son from it.
I am thinking this could have a connection to the general anxiety I am having, loosing motivation about studying, feeling like I have to learn it almost near-perfect else I have failed. Even now when I am studying things that he also finds interesting he rarely shows interest in my projects. He has sometimes told me that he thinks it is cool what I am doing and that "someday I would like to see more" but that's a old story told anew. He has said these things since I was a little kid. "I would like to see more SOMEDAY". Seeking my dad's approval seems silly, he has told me many times that he is proud over me and my brother for who we are yet his actions seem so contradicting to this. It is as if he is saying it because that is what you should say to your sons. I would just love not to have him make remarks every day about something that should be done better and etc.
I want to feel happy about trying out new stuff, looking forward to experiment but pretty much everytime I share something new with my dad he will answer "yeah that is good BUT remember you shouldn't do this and that and this and that" and he becomes all serious. Never like: "That sound awesome let me know if I can help or something". He downs me with his attitude, yet for him, he is being correct and doing the right thing. It truly is as if he is more concerned about some notorious figure of perfection looking down on him and taking notes of every word and action he takes rather than thinking about what these actions are inflicting in me and my brother. Sometimes I don't share anything with him and I feel great, motivated and on a roll and he will interrupt what I am doing with his daily remark about something that I have either forgot to do, or didn't do perfect, or could have done better, or should do. And he will always do this with his voice of disappointment and annoyance. I bet there would be a difference if he had another tone but probably his tone reflects his thoughts. I am getting tired of it and I don't like how it might be affecting me and my brother.
Perhaps someone here can relate or give me a second opinion. Perhaps some advice on how to deal with this.
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self.Anxiety
|
In my 40s and going to see a therapist for first time. What should I expect? Throwaway account, and hope this is the right forum to ask this. I have been quietly fighting with depression and dependance for years. I am quite successful and have a loving family, and have done a good job from hiding it from everyone but my wife. I have finally decided to seek help I need, but am scared and nervous like I haven't been in years. What should I expect in a first (second, third...) session?
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self.depression
|
Isn't it funny how my brain likes to fuck me over I'm sure I'm gonna lose my scholarship and probably some vocational rehab support and need to take out a loan or several. Sometimes I feel so close to breaking down. And I may need to change rooms and dorms at a fucking bad time because of reasons I explained in a post that I deleted. Basically my roommate is now a sub RA and apparently sub RAs are supposed to live with RAs. So the plan is to move the RA's suitemates up with me and my suitemates down with my roommate. I don't know those girls. I would also need a new roommate. I'm gonna try to request a single in a different dorm but idk. VR told me before they wouldn't pay for a single. I'm hoping I can get the office of students with disabilities to approve me so there's no extra cost. This is why I don't usually drink when I'm like this. I feel a bit looser and more impulsive. Still don't really mind dying but I don't think I'm gonna try anything. At least not unless more shit happens. Yeah, I know. Might be a good idea to admit myself voluntarily but it doesn't seem as necessary as before. Though if I'm honest with myself, I think there's still at least a small risk of me trying something.
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self.bipolar
|
Landlord made a comment and now I can’t stop worrying my neighbors are going to get mad at me So my boyfriend and I just moved into a house that has four units in it and between them, there are 8 people in the house. We’ve only been here a month so we’re still getting settled, as are the two top floor people and the two downstairs people. We personally have a ton of garbage, mostly cardboard from packing boxes. I’m assuming the other tenants also have plenty of moving in trash as well so I’ve been very cognizant every week to take the totes out so we have an empty one the next week to start with to accommodate it all (I dk if other places in the country or world do garbage day differently but we have City issued totes that we put our trash in and roll out to the curb for them to pick up).
We’ve been trying to ration it each week to not overflow the garbage totes, but we have sooo much and it’s taking up so much room in our apartment. Plus we only have two garbage totes and one recycling tote for the cardboard for the whole house. And for 8 people, on a normal week that’s barely enough room, but with all the stuff we have it’s been overflowing a bit.
My landlord sent a text out to everyone reminding them to make sure the garbage goes to the curb because it’s overflowing and we probably forgot last week. Now I’m irrationally mad at him because I’ve definitely been taking it out and he thinks we’re irresponsible and also worried that my neighbors are going to be mad at me for having so much garbage and taking up so much room.
Irrational and pointless to worry about something so stupid?? I can’t stop freaking out about it even after I’ve explained it to my landlord.
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self.Anxiety
|
Struggling to write anything without suddenly having an outburst [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
No one talks to me. I feel so alone. :( every day is the same, the only people I attract are perverted stalkers. I feel so alone :(
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self.depression
|
Random Panic Attack Changed Me. Last month, I had a panic attack in the middle of the night out of nowhere. I was forced to confront my own mortality, thinking of the nothing beyond. The worst part is, nothing brought the change. My life was good. Now, I live in constant stress and anxiety, where even the slightest mention of time, life, death, and pretty much anything forces me to think about the terrifying thought of nonexistence.
Just a month and a day ago, I was feeling perfectly fine. Now I'm more depressed than ever, and it's over a matter that I have no control over. Something that I know will come for me one day.
I guess it's not all bleak. I contacted a therapist, and she considered this to be pretty quick for a person to ask for help. I hope one day I'll be able to go back to normal, able to laugh at someone dying repeatedly in a video game or enjoy books that even mention the slightest thing about death.
And now I have a sudden case of insomnia where I've gotten an hour and a half of sleep within the last two days.
This needs to be over. Otherwise I'll be over.
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self.offmychest
|
How does therapy fix anything? My doctor recommended therapy in addition to antidepressants, but a) I don't think it's really doable right now financially, and b) I'm not sure what good it would do anyway compared to the antidepressants. What can a therapist really do for me if there's no clear cause to my depression? No trauma or anything to work through? What's the point of paying to go talk to a stranger if there's nothing for them to pick apart and "cure?"
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self.depression
|
What is your earliest memory of an anxiety attack? How old where you? What was it like?
I think I was in my teens. I distinctly remember having nausea and diarrhea. My heart started beating really fast and I laid down on a couch and just started feeling really terrified. I was shaking my legs and eventually asked my parents to call 911. When I got to the hospital I got an IV drip and some medicine that mellowed me out but they said there was nothing physically wrong with me and I just went back home the same day. I remember feeling embarrassed but aside from all that, my memory of the whole event is pretty fuzzy.
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self.Anxiety
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I hate human progress and change, and there's nothing I can do to stop it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My [21f] Doctors Keep Suggesting Lithium Hello everyone. This is my first time posting on here but I just wanted to say I really love the support community in this subreddit.
Before I go into my questions, here's a bit about my symptoms/meds: I'm diagnosed as Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling. My current doctor has me on a very high dose of Lamictal, Wellbutrin, and Seroquel. Nothing seems to be helping right now, the episodes are staying just as intense (and quick) and I feel like I can't get any relief.
I wanted to ask all of you about your opinions on Lithium. I was seeing one psychiatrist for years that had asked about my opinion on Lithium and I said I didn't want to go on it. She dropped it after that and decided to raise my Lamictal. It helped temporarily. I ended up relocating kind of far away from her, so I decided to see a new doctor. She also asked me about going on Lithium, but I'm still really apprehensive.
My concerns are centered around the fact that my grandmother actually suffered a Lithium overdose and she's never been the same since then. I'm so paranoid that that will happen.
Has anyone with rapid cycling had success on Lithium? Does it really do the "zombifying" thing people talk about? The event with my grandma happened a few years ago, are doctors more cautious with the blood testing and everything now?
TL;DR my doctors keep prescribing Lithium but I'm very apprehensive, has it been successful for other people with rapid cycling?
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self.bipolar
|
How did the whole diagnosing process work ? Do you feel like it made your life better or worse ? Someone whose opinion I care about told me recently that he thinks I should go see someone and get medicated . It started kind of a big fight , and at the time I was really angry because I didn’t think he understood what was going on . I took some of the meds they would probably start me on when I was a teenager because of these seizures I was having , and I told him I would literally rather die than take them again and feel the way they made me feel again . I hated being in a fog all the time , not feeling anything at all ever , the weird side effects . He tried telling me that I could tell them that and that it didn’t have to be like that again , but all I heard was ‘ you’re being over dramatic and crazy’ . Which isn’t really fair to him . I’ve never been professionally diagnosed with anything ever , but there’s always been something not right . It’s gotten worse the last few years , more and more intense , to the pint I don’t even believe myself when I say I can handle it myself . I guess if I’m being honest , I’m fucking terrified to even think about getting diagnosed and getting on meds . I’m terrified of not being me anymore , because even when I feel awful and like I’m drowning in darkness I know that I’m gonna get this high again and be ok . I’m scared of getting told I’m crazy .
And I’ve never admitted that before and now I feel more fucked up than before .
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self.bipolar
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How to find a psychiatrist in Austin, TX I've been feeling depressed for the last year or so and I've decided it's time to do something about it. I'm trying to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it's a real PITA. Zocdoc doesn't seem to have any under the psychiatrist category and navigating my insurance company's website keeps leading me to community clinics or inpatient hospitals.
1) Does anyone love their Austin psychiatrist?
2) Can you guys please tell me how to go about finding a mental health doctor? I'd like an MD as I've tried talk-it-out therapy to no avail. Drugs might be the way to go.
Finding a doctor has been frustrating and stressful...not exactly emotions I need to be adding right now.
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self.depression
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Logan Paul suicide forest fiasco So, this whole debacle has reignited the feelings that came from my dads suicide 6 years ago. He did the same thing, just not in the forest, and for some reason Logan Paul’s video has upset me way more than any other video of his or jakes videos. It’s simply the fact the poor victim was dehumanised, laughed at and made into a joke. I just have visions of the same thing happening to my dad and it sickens me, the poor victims family, and the fact the guy went there for privacy and got shown to millions of people is absolutely appalling
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self.offmychest
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Having one person care about you. I have this friend who sent me his final design for the course we're doing and I'm thankful. seriously the fact someone wants my opinion or just in basic wants me to see this makes me happy. I get depressed over the smallest things but this makes me happy, thanks mate you're the best
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else have memory issues? I have an awful long-term memory, and have a lot of difficulty remembering when things happened. I was diagnosed at 18, so I'm not sure if the memory lapses are caused by undiagnosed manic or depression episodes, or if they're caused by something completely unrelated?
Just wondering if anyone else have these memory lapses too. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and have had treatment for around a year and a half now.
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self.bipolar
|
Alone at christmas. Epiphany Christmas day and im sitting all alone. I live with my ex wife who has gone to her familys for christmas.
2 years ago i had a wife of 15 years, and a girlfriend with her own family, and a tight knit group of friends (we are all polyamorous). I lost all that through my own inability to deal with my illness.
So i was sat watching tv. I decided i was sick of staring at my laundry so i did the ironing. Then the floor looked a mess (i have a dog so the carpet is always hairy. Especially this time of year) so i started vacuuming.
Halfway through that i had an epiphany. The place im in right now is not really the fault of my illness at all. Its nothing more than the result of the decisions ive made.
I would love to be able to see my ex gf family again. Over a year has passed and i think about them all every day. But thats not the choice i made. The choices i made resulted in me cleaning my house at christmas. And you know what? Im ok with that.
Its my choices that brought me here, and im ok that the people i loved shut me out of thier lives when they couldnt cope with me anymore. I understand they made thier choices based on the ones i made about how to behave.
Im ok with this.
Thanks for listening. Happy holiday
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self.bipolar
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Anxiety every time before bed And it happens without reason. I also have a disorganised schedule (I spend my nighttime awake), and when I want to get asleep at 6-7 am, my heart stings and also I feel that adrenaline rush in my entire body, making me going to bathroom and chill myself. And all of these without thinking about any sort of problems. I want to mention that this anxiety comes with migraines.
What should I do? Thank you.
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't want to feel this nothingness anymore. I don't deserve this life. So many good people are in my life, yet i'm still depressed as fuck. There is so much hurt in my heart for no reason and it sucks. I know that none of you guys can make it go away but I just needed to rant. Idk. If anyone actually read this, thank you. See you all later.
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self.depression
|
Question from a non bipolar person I’m sorry if this offends anyone that’s not the intention!
I’m curious how mania and depression feels for another Bipolar person. My boyfriend is bipolar and I can usually tell when he’s on the ups or downs but I would love to hear the point of view from other people on how they feel if anyone wouldn’t mind sharing! I want to know as much as I can about it so I can help him if he ever needs me and just to overall learn more about it!
Edit: THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! Thank you for being so open about your experiences it has really helped me learn so much about how it feels and how I can look for more signs. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST.
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self.bipolar
|
Okay. My boyfriend is really amazing and super kind, but he doesn’t want to post me on any of his social media. He says that he doesn’t want any other guys to look at me and try to hmu or something. Is this normal?
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self.offmychest
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how long would it hurt people believe in different forms of afterlife, so really, how long would death hurt? how long until you're brought into your form of afterlife? the roof is nice, but diving off won't do much--but really, *how long would it hurt*?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My therapist says she’s proud of me and that I’m making progress but it doesn’t feel that way to me Have you ever felt such rage and anger that you feel like you’re going to burst right out of your skin? Nothings really changing... nothing is getting better. Growing up with a narcissistic parent you kind of have to learn to say the right thing, smooth things over, stay under the radar. So is that what I’m doing still?
My skin feels so hot, like a sunburn. That might be a side effect of the medication I’m taking. Lithium, Lamictal, Clonazepam. As much as I hated my diagnosis and having to take a bunch of pills every day, I was hopeful. It’s been four months and I feel angrier than ever. I can see how my rage and yelling is affecting my kids and it kills me inside. Sometimes I want to disappear, I’ve even told my Husband he would be better off finding a functional human being to raise our kids with.
I’m struggling to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Every time someone says to me, “enjoy this time, they grow up fast.” I just want to breakdown right there for the world to see. Because they don’t know that everyday is a struggle. That I wake up in pain, no energy, but I have no choice but to get out of bed because the kids need to be fed and dressed and interacted with.
I’ve been sleeping too much lately. The only reason I’m awake right now is because my only sibling called me drunk and emotional, questioning our childhood and maybe just wanting to know that there was someone out there who would answer the phone at 1:30 in the morning. I don’t know how to help them, I can’t even help myself. But at least I can answer the phone and let them know they’re not alone.
What do I do now? I feel like I’m trying my best and getting nowhere. Does it get better?
I’m sorry for this rant and long string of what may be over-emotional and incoherent thoughts.
Please someone tell me it gets better.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm finally stable and happy I finally feel stable, happy, and proud of myself. Five years ago I would have never imagined saying that....I just couldn't see it. I'm starting to understand what I need to do to keep it this way.
Just last year I was completely homeless, broke, and abusing drugs. I've been a professional tattoo artist my whole life but by this point I had just gotten divorced, went to jail a few times, and ended up hospitalized for my heavy drinking. I was always too hung over or fucked up for work and lost 3 jobs in one year. I guess I had to hit rock bottom pretty hard for it to wake me up and want to change. It hasn't been easy so far, but it's not as hard as living the way I was.
I couldn't have done any of it without the help of my new friend. Lets just call her "Kate". I've known Kate less than a year, and she's given me places to stay, food to eat, work, and the thing I needed the most.....the love and support of friendship. I didn't have family or true friends, only people I did stupid shit with and family had to get away from.
Fast forward about a year. I'm typing this downstairs in the apartment we share after just getting home from a long day at the tattoo studio. I'm doing ink full time now so I'm able to make money to help with bills, food, etc and I'm proud of myself. Kate is asleep upstairs with her boyfriend (We'll call him "James"). James and I have also become like brothers. they took me in at my worst and never gave me shit or put me down even when I wasn't being easy to deal with. Neither of them judge me for my past problems, she always listen to my stupid rants, and always sticks up for me. They've treated me like family since day 1 and I think of Kate like a big sister. I'll never be able to explain how much i appreciate everything they've done for me.
FUCK everyone who kicked me when I was down....
FUCK everyone who doubted me and wanted me to fail....
FUCK everyone who used me when I was weak....
and a BIG FUCK YOU to the friends and family who abandoned me when I needed them the most. I'm glad I don't have that in my life anymore.
I honestly didn't think I'd ever live a normal happy life ever again...It took a while and wasn't fun or easy....but completely worth it all. I'm finally back where I want to be.
:)
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self.offmychest
|
Dated someone who was also bipolar Have any of you guys done so? How was that like, good or bad?
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self.bipolar
|
Floored I'm just coming out of a two month manic psychotic episode where I nearly lost complete touch with reality. My therapist told me today that I can't work and need to take a break from the job hunt for two months. So disappointed. I'm med compliant, have incredible doctors and support, and take care of myself and I STILL got sick. Gotta be prepared for the unexpected. Am so thankful for this sub. Hang in there people.
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self.bipolar
|
I can't handle Christmas This is the first year I'm not going to be home for Christmas. I'm going to Florida with my bf's family this year. There's already talk that we might not even get Christmas dinner and that we HAVE to buy numerous presents not only for actual Christmas but for various games everyone plays.
Money is extremely tight right now. Bf got laid off for winter season and took a bit too long to find more work. Now our rent is going to overdraft my bank account just in time to be overdrafted again for student loans.
My sister is also being an insufferable brat. When we were supposed to decorate the family tree she came in screaming at everyone so I went back to my apartment and cried while me and bf put up what little decorations we had. I even forgot my ornaments.
Not to mention that this year at work everyone wants to do a Christmas theme for the week leading up to Christmas which involves me having to buy MORE crap, on top of my boss having to continuously ask me what my bf is planning to do for work for the winter.
I just want to crawl into a hole and skip the whole season. I've been buying everything with my credit card just so I can do something and I don't even know how I'm going to pay it all back.
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self.offmychest
|
I [19] have everything but in my mind I have nothing I'm 19, always had bf, I've an high average at uni quite easily, I know what the job of my dreams and I've clear in my mind what are my ambitions.
My family is amazing, my bf too. It would all be perfect if I'd have a sense of belonging. I don't have a group of friends, I don't have someone to plan New Year's eve or things like that. Differently from most people I don't have friends to meet in the weekend so I don't mind coming back home. Here I have some friends, one of the two has a large group of friends in her city so not much time to spend with me and the other has a boyfriend so she's always coming back home. My bf is far away so I'm most of the time alone. I'm the kind of girl who's always smiling trying to be nice and joking so no one understands what's going on. I'm 'cute' (I'm not vain don't misunderstand me, I just want to analyze things) and the other girls always tell me how they envy that this or that guy is talking to me. They don't know how much I envy their group of friends, having someone they can relate to, going out on friday or on saturday and don't have to worry about what's wrong with you.
I would give away most of the things I have to belong somewhere and to be just like other girls. No girl friendship ever worked, they always ended with my secrets being spread around and me hurting thinking what I did wrong. For several years I thought I was the reason and I tried to be the better version of myself and nothing changed, sometimes people are just mean no matter what you do and no matter if you love them. It's tiring feeling anxious every friday and crying yourself to sleep when you love being around people, talking and feeling part of something... instead of being the one who hates her birthday and who does everything by herself
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self.depression
|
I will find a cure! 2013 new year’s eve. Everybody was counting down. “10, 9, 8” But I was silent. I was preparing for a journey. But little did I know that for this journey, no preparation was needed. Because you were never ready for this.
In 2013 I was 14 years old. I didn’t know what life had in stock for me. I was just a stupid kid. I have been overweight whole my life, I suffer from social anxiety whole my life. And since 2012 (I was 13 at the time) I suffer from depression.
Back to new year’s eve 2013. The journey I was going on was: getting my life together. I wanted to fix these 3 thing:
-overweight
-social anxiety
-depression
So in 2014 I got a gym membership. Went 3 time a week, run 2 time a week and boxed 1 time in the week. I ate healthier and was happier. In 6 months I lost 44 pounds (20 kilo’s) in 6 months my depression and social anxiety fated and I was happier as ever. I got a weekend job. And I did great in school.
So the first 6 months of 2014 were great! The only thing I struggled with was religion. I grew up a an atheist but you see, I was so despaired back in 2012/2013 because some terrible, terrible things happened to me. I was looking for something that gave me hope. So I started praying. Praying for god to help me, praying to save me. So the success I had in the first 6 months of 2014, I thanked god for that. My prayers were answered!
Until…
Until something happened to me. Something I still can’t explain to this day. I guess it was a major depression attack if those even exist. But I felt dead inside. No joy, no love, no anger, only fear. Fear is what I lived with for the rest of 2014 and 2015. 1,5 year of nothing. Al the weight I lost came twice as fast back, I stopped working out, stopped socializing with my friends. I went to new school but quit after 2 months because I had no motivation whatsoever.
So in 2015 I was a 16 year old boy with no school, no friends. Only depression, social anxiety and overweight.
I started to work 4 times a week. I felt lonely. And I was sick of living. I looked in the mirror one time. Saw something I wasn’t ready for. My hair. I was balding. 16 years… I mean common. If all the other stuff wasn’t enough already.
I worked till the next school year started, worked out a little but the social anxiety was too much so I didn’t go to the gym much.
So skipping forward to September 2016. I was a 17 year old boy who is fat, bald and suffers from social anxiety and depression. Going to his new school, with new students and new teachers. *sigh*
After 4 years I was at the same place I was in 2013. But only bald
But,
before I went to school, me, my parents, my sister and 2 other families went on a holiday to Spain for 2 weeks. For me this was taking a break from my life to experience what it was to always have people around you. And luckily all these people were nice. But something happened in Spain. I fell in love with this beautiful Spanish girl. I know, I know. “how can you fall in love with someone you never met?”. But when I looked at her. My hearth started to work again. For once I felt happy again by just seeing her. I felt something I never experienced before. I wanted to talk to her but deep down I knew my changes were 0%. And knowing that killed me. It really did. For the rest of the holiday I was dead inside. I can’t even express how awful that feeling was. You have to experience it to understand it.
I never wanted to have that feeling again. Like never!
On the last day of the holiday I decided I need to talk to her. Otherwise I couldn’t live with myself. So I waited like 2 hours and I saw her in the lobby. I approached here and I talked to her. We had a good chat and she kissed me on the cheek. We said goodbye to each other and left. Keep in mind this was the first time we talked and after that I felt amazing.
So the holiday was over and went back to my old live. And believe me, from being with all your friends and family for 2 weeks to alone in your room makes you realize how pathetic you really are.
So because I never wanted to feel the impossible love pain ever again and don’t want to be alone no more. I once again decided to do something.
Going back to school was hard the first few months but I managed. Made some new friends, started going to the gym again. Lost some pounds. Still had depression and anxiety. Started talking to god again. Hoping for a response. I was living life with no hopes so I wouldn’t get disappointed. Made it past my first year of this new school. And started my second year. The first half of the second year you have to do an internship.
September 2017,
still have the goals +1:
-losing weight
-cure depression
-cure social anxiety
-cure baldness (if possible)
Starting my internship at a multimedia company. Having a blast here. Nice people, fun work. I was thinking life was going to get easier. But I was wrong. My employer said he hired a new intern for administration and she was starting next week. I didn’t think much of it. So the next week approaches and I was sitting behind my laptop at my internship working on a project. The new girl came in. I was the only one in the office atm. I introduced myself and we talked about our schools and life. Just the regular stuff. My employer was the only one besides me that works in this office but because he was never there I spend the whole day with the new girl alone in the office. And the next day, and the next day. And this went on for 2 weeks.
And believe me spending so much time alone with someone else you really get to know each other. We started watching movie trailer together of upcoming horror films. We went for lunch at a fast food restaurant together. It was like having a close friend. At one point she started talking about her family, about her 1 year old nice that wouldn’t stop crying so she screamed louder than her niece so she would stop. And about her mother that doesn’t really understand sarcasms so she would always be sarcastic about stuff to her. As she was telling these stories I was just smiling and staring at her. And at this moment I knew that I liked her.
The first time after this “traumatic” moment in Spain, I fell in love once again. But then I realized the pain I had in Spain. The pain of knowing you had a 0% change with a girl you really like, of a girl you almost love. I didn’t want to feel this pain again. All the memories came back to me. I remembered I was on this journey to get my life straight. The things I want to cure.
So I stopped with the excuses. I accepted that I’m fat, I accepted that I’m bald, I accepted that I’m depressed and I accepted I that have social anxiety. BUT I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT I WILL HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
So I wake up at 6A.M, go to the gym, try to eat healthy be a nice person and cure everything I have.
I lost 44 pounds again (20kilo’s) my depression and anxiety were slowly fading again. And I was ready to ask her out. But the next day, she didn’t show up at work (internship). I thought maybe she was sick, but she didn’t show up for the whole week. Or the next week.
I never asked for her number because we would always chat in real life. I asked my employer and he said she isn’t coming anymore.
I am still waiting for the girl to come back. But I doubt it. It’s been a few weeks and I still don’t know why she left. We had a great time together as long as it last.
So here we are. At the middle mark of my internship. 44 pounds (20 kilo’s) down, 44 pounds more to go. This morning I felt amazing. Almost like my depression was gone. I stated smiling at girls on the street and they smile back. I have more confidence. Still bald though.
I felt happy again, but once again as I think everything was alright the following happened:
I was standing in the office with some people at my internship. Someone commented on somebody that he gained weight (not on me). We all laughed about it because it was mend as a joke because the guy was kinda buff. Next he made his belly bigger and said he needed to go back to the gym and we all laughed again. But while he made his belly bigger he said this to me: “Now I look like you” and we all laughed again. I was laughing on the outside and made in not a big of a deal. But I was dying on the inside. I lost 44 pounds. And you make a fat joke? Why? And after that he asked why I was balding on this young age. I mean common man, give me a break. I WISH I KNEW!
I’ve been on this journey for almost 4 years now. Twice my hearth has been broken and I know it was my own fault for not being good enough. I lost 88 pounds in total but also gained 44. Twice I came close to curing depression and social anxiety but it always comes back. And balding will be the death of me if I won’t cure it soon.
My journey is not over. I’ve learned allot in these 4 years. But not enough. My journey ends if I can fix these 4 things:
-overweight
-depression
-social anxiety
-baldness
I will get up at 6 A.M.
I will go to the gym every day
I will eat healthy
I will cure my depression
I will cure my social anxiety
I will cure my baldness
And my hearth will be broken again
until 1 time it doesn’t
either by me fixing these 4 things
or by me ending me
|
self.offmychest
|
Why did he stop texting me? Long-distance friendship/romance Hey guys! I’ve been texting this guy from Dublin for about a year now. We’ve been talking every single day, mostly on Snapchat and sometimes Facebook. I met him on St. Patrick’s Day 2016 when I was on a student exchange ( I’m from Germany). I spent 2 weeks in Ireland and saw him 4 times. We started texting January 2017 and have become good friends ever since. But, like I said, we’ve been texting every day all day but I never ever got bored of him or the other way around. I’ve always had a crush on him, even back when I met him but problem was, he was dating a girl at that time.
Also, I’m planning to study in Dublin next year.
Two months ago, when McGregor lost the fight against mayweather he got really drunk haha and told me that he liked me and blah blah blah. I got super exited because I have a little crush on him but told him that we’d talk about it when he sobers up. The next day we did talk about it and he said that he liked me but it’s an unfortunate situation because neither of us wanted a long distance relationship (because my ex fucked me over) , so we just stopped talking about it.
I’m going to Dublin for New Years and I’m staying there for 9 days with two of my friends. We were both so so excited to see each other again and spend every day together and talked about it a lot. The conversation got really flirty at times and we both went along with it but about three weeks ago, he just stopped. He didn’t really respond the way he usually does and was a bit distant but I didn’t say anything, since we’re it in a relationship or anything and we still had great conversations nevertheless. I knew he had a lot on his mind with Uni so I thought that’s why he kind of pulled away. I texted him first a few times in a row but tried not to come along as too clingy. But four days ago, he opened my last snap and didn’t respond and for the first time, I had a really bad feeling in my stomach. I felt like that was the end of something but I wanted to ignore me. It’s been almost five days and I haven’t heard anything from him, not a single text, nothing. I don't wanna start the conversation again because I don’t wanna seem clingy. We even lost our double heart and streak (I usually don’t care about them but it still kind of hurts) and his snap score has gone up 500 points, so he’s probably texting a girl. Sorry for being a stalker but Snapchat makes it so easy for us crazy girls🤷🏻♀️😂
I really don’t know what to do next, I don’t want to be intrusive or anything. I really care about him and don’t even know how to act when I come Dublin next month and he hasn’t texted. I don’t want to lose him and don’t know how to handle this situation or how to act until we meet again. Some of you might think I’m overreacting because it’s only been 4 days but keep in mind that we’ve never gone that long without talking since January and like I said I have a bad feeling in my gut. Help meee I need advice or else I’m gonna go crazy hahaha!
|
self.offmychest
|
Today is my birthday and I want to end it I’ll try to make this as short as I can. But long story short, I left an abusive relationship, left town and left all my friends. I was about to start nursing school on one day when everything hit the fan and I packed my bags and left. Now I’m back with my parents since October. For the third time. I’ve been through several relationships that have went down hill and have caused me trauma. Now I’m with a guy who is genuinely a good guy, I do love him but he has mental issues of his own and all my issues are weighing him down. I have physical health issues on top of depression, anxiety and ptsd. I can’t hold a job, I keep trying and failing. If it’s not my Health acting up, it’s my anxiety or depression that’s so bad I can’t even bring my self to leave my bed. That’s not what I want. I’m thinking of trying for disability but I feel like I’m just making excuses and don’t deserve it. I just lost my job after 3 weeks of having it and 3 months of finding it. I told my boyfriend they fired me for being a liability (which has happened in the past) but the truth is I walked out after having a bad situation with my health and getting sick at work. I felt embarrassed and felt like they were gonna fire me anyways. I know I should of stuck it out. But I didn’t.
I was about to move in with him, things were about to get good. My parents don’t even know I lost my job.
They think I was going to move out this weekend but my boyfriend told me he wants me to prove I can hold a job because he’s in no position to take Care of me, he can not mentally handle it. He told me he’s not happy and his anxiety is sky high because of all the pressure he’s under. He told me he does love me and wants this to work but he feels like I’m not trying.
The thing is I can’t tell if I’m trying or not. Some days I feel like I am then others I can’t make proper adult decisions because I’d rather just lay in bed and pretend not to exist.
I feel like such a burden to my family and my boyfriend. I feel like I’m ruining something that could of potentially been good. I feel as if the world might be better off with out me. Today is my birthday and I keep getting this intrusive thought over and over that maybe it’s time for me to go. I can easily make it look like natural causes because of my health situation and die in my sleep. I don’t feel like I’m capable of living a normal life. I’ve tried therapy, didn’t help. I’m on a high dose of Prozac, which did help at one point but not lately. I just feel so lost
|
self.depression
|
I’m living in hell I’m going fucking insane and I’m so frustrated. My high school is really hard and my grades aren’t budging. I’m losing control over them. Those were the only things I felt I had control over. But now I don’t. I have struggled with making friends in my school for years. I’m friendly, decently attractive, believe I am worthy of friendship, and have joined and actively participated in a multitude of extracurricular activities. I’ve vastly improved my social skills, but I haven’t been asked to hang out in a couple of years. All the adults that know me commend me for my supposed intelligence, empathy, and ethical compass. My counselors, parents and teachers tend to think very highly of me. But at my school, that is the opposite. People are rude to me all the time. They send mixed signals. One day they are nice, and the next they laugh at me for my clothing or something I said that they didn’t like. I don’t know if this is because of my high functioning autism, but nobody seems to notice my symptoms anymore, so I don’t think it comes to that. For whatever reason, I’m seen as a loser everywhere. People who are intellectual like me act cold and condescending whenever I try to talk to them. People who like similar music to me, like similar sports, or even have general personalities that are similar to mine ignore me and try to counteract and invalidate all my opinions. Luckily, I am quick-witted and a great impromptu debater, so I can eventually get people to leave me alone after awhile. However, this brings me to my next point, which is that my family is so fucking annoying. My brother, who has moderate HFA, talks 24/7 about economics, politics and religion. The three worst things to talk about are what his conversations revolve around. The reason I can hold my own in a debate is not out want, but put of necessity. I continually have to sharpen up my skills and points in order to make him shut up, and that is a lofty task. But this also gets me in trouble with my mom. My mom is the classic Jewish mom. She is caring and loves us a lot, but she is stubborn, overbearing, guilt-inflicting and a tad crazy. Whenever I go out anywhere, she interrogates me about people I know, asking for their names in the pretext of maybe “knowing their mothers”. When I confronted her about this, she told me to fuck off and said that since she is the parent, she can behave how she wants. My mom does not respect my privacy or my emotional wishes, but she constantly bemoans my apparent lack of respect for her. It’s a sticky situation and I don’t want to be in it. People have asked if I have seen a therapist. And in fact, I am fortunate enough to go every week to one while consulting a psychiatrist for meds. However, they have failed at changing my situation. I have major depression in the first place, but I would be so much happier if I simply had a couple of close friends that shared my interests and didn’t mess with my head constantly. But I can only dream...
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self.offmychest
|
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