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Anyone else experiments mostly (hypo)mania ? My first mania started in april 2017. Then I've had 3 manic episodes, and one depression of 2 months. I thought you're supposed to crash down after mania.
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self.bipolar
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What gets you out of the house? My therapist has been pushing me to do something social the last few sessions and I haven't found anything interesting to get me out.
I feel like I'll only do something if it blows my mind otherwise theres no point to do it. I haven't found this and think I'm looking to far into it and just need to do something, anything that'll get me around a few people once a week.
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self.depression
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I feel responsible for someones death So this happened a few years ago i was home alone one night and on went onto my porch for some air then i saw this kid skateboarding in my driveway i was to tiered to care so i just went back inside thinking he would leave he did later on my mom got home and told me that a kid skateboarding down our road was hit by a car and killed i knew it was him the one in my driveway god if i had just gone down and talked to him for just 5 minutes he could of went home and he would still be alive so much guilt i feel after all these years i could have saved him but i was just kid myself too
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self.offmychest
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it's getting really old I'm 19 and I still can't drive. Got the permit and practiced but failed twice and lost the motivation, or rather I channelled what limited motivation I had into more basic tasks like waking up every day.
Never had any sort of job. Terrified of applying and interviewing.
Horrible social anxiety that only gets better when my depression gets bad enough to numb it. I was out to eat recently with my family and the stress of ordering my food crushed my mood and my appetite. Like, Jesus fucking Christ, ordering a goddamn burrito??
Broke down and talked to my parent once, and got taken to see a doctor. Got a Zoloft prescription and saw an unhelpful therapist a few times before quitting. The stress of doctors got to me and I lied my way through it and said the pills were working fine. I never felt any different. Eventually saw a different doctor and got switched to Lexapro, but I did the same thing as before. The multiple check-ins drained me and I just wanted to suffer alone.
As a young kid in school I was always told I was smart, one of the brightest, I could go far with my brain. But I'm so lazy, and tired. I nearly flunked senior year in highschool, I'm failing my first semester of college because I'm a laxy piece of shit who doesn't do their work, and definitely losing the scholarship that got me there. Gotta talk to my parent. I live with them but they don't know. Gotta tell them I'm quitting. Didn't know what I wanted to do anyway.
I feel like I've failed both society's and my own expectations for myself, and I can never catch up, I fucked it all up. I'm ashamed, I'm going to be ashamed forever. I don't believe I'll ever be a functional adult.
I feel like I don't know myself. Have you ever taken a personality test? I'm so indecisive, each question is like torture. I don't really have hobbies, I procrastinate on the internet like a Reddit junkie and I sleep. I fucking love sleeping. And I get into arguments with myself. It always ends with I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I'm miserable but I'm too scared, and too tired to kill myself, but I don't know how to feel like life is worth living.
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self.depression
|
What would old me have done? Missed on a chance to go out and have a fun time. But last night I said NO more. I went bowling with some friends of mine and met a couple new people. And overall I had pretty good time. It wasn't perfect but it felt so much better than sitting at home and ruminating At times it felt very nice. At other times I was annoyed that I was sweating and had to pee a bunch cause I was drinking a lot. But it really does feel so much better than just constant isolation! I start my new job next Tuesday and I no I'll have butterflies and maybe even some anxiety and panic. But I'm going in and gonna try my best. Just like I did with dropping my resume and cover letter off. Just like I did with the interview and then hearing back. Keep on pushing!!! :)
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm not that depressed that i'm unable to function normally, but sometimes when it gets too much it kicks in for a few days and in those even getting myself to brush my teeth is a struggle [deleted]
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self.depression
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I have a deep feeling that I should stop taking lithium [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Depression or bipolar? Since last February, I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar II. I have been battling depression since my teens though (28m) and used to talk Zoloft and Abilify back then, but dropped it all before I turned 20. I’ve always been a very spontaneous person as well as being very creative (I write, play guitar, draw, always thinking outside the box for work projects) I also have a lot of hobbies (longboard, kayaking, hiking, to name a few) and I guess I’ve just always tried to get the best out of life.
With that being said, I’ve always had this wave of depression that could come over me, but it has always been due to other people. If I’m around negativity, I feel it and absorb it. If my wife gets upset that I forget to take the laundry out, I feel her frustration and it can drain my energy if I dwell on it enough. If I feel like I didn’t live up to someone’s expectations, I feel like I let my own self down. If I dwell on these feelings long enough, I can become pretty angry once someone starts trying to talk to me about it, because once again, I can feel their frustration of me not wanting to speak.
My wife suggested the thought of me being bipolar due to what I stated above and also due to my spontaneousness, which she thinks is more-so being in a manic state. I don’t know if I believe that though.. because I feel like I just enjoy life. Since I’ve been on these medications, I will admit I’ve gotten a better grasp on controlling how I react to the unexpected, but when my depression does hit, it gets worse every single time, to the point of suicidal thoughts, which was not a problem before the medicine.
So I started meditating and practicing mindfulness and I have to say, it has done wonders in my mood, confidence and ability to balance out emotions. But that depression? Still hits like a ton of bricks. Somebody referred to me as an, “empath” the other day which I never heard of before. I looked it up and I was blown away with how relatable each and every description was. It got me thinking... I know I have depression, it’s been a battle for years... but am I really bipolar?
My lows come from other people’s emotions. Now, I can get anxiety just by myself when I have a lot of work to do, but I still don’t feel like it’s to a bipolar extreme. My manic episodes that I feel are spontaneous just don’t seem to be manic from all the research I’ve done and my therapist as also agreed with me on this too. Is there a possibility I could just be considered an empath and it has just come off as bipolar this whole time?
By the way, I’m not relating empath with any of that spirituality stuff people relate it to and I’m not relating it to my meditation practice. I mentioned the mediation because I think it’s very interesting this has been something to help me more than any drug. As far as empath, this is just the base definition, a trait that goes even beyond a highly sensitive person. I do have spiritual beliefs, but I want to make it clear that it has nothing to do with what I am referring to.
I see my psychiatrist in a few weeks and I want to talk about this with her. My wife believes very strongly that I am bipolar and she says I have more manic moments than depressive. I don’t know if it’s just because of how different our personalities are though. She is a planner, scheduler and doesn’t like to stay outside for too long if it’s really hot. I’ve always focused on the current moment and love being outside. She likes being in bed during the day, I like being in the living room. Just little things like that.
What do you all think?
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self.bipolar
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idk why i️ am still alive when the anorexia, depression and anxiety have already taken my life.
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self.depression
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Fucked up my NS (Singapore) I am 18 and SPF rejected me due to anxiety. Got so upset i can’t tell if i’m in a state of depression because i was so excited to enlist after a long hiatus. As a Singaporean, its normal to have something to look forward (eg. primary, secondary, poly, and Ns). These days, i feel lost. After finishing private poly, i have lots of free time and i work once in awhile but is it normal to feel lost? I don’t know what i’m chasing and i really don’t know what to look forward to anymore. Life seems so dull. I’m currently waiting for my next appointment with the psychiatrist. Now in PES D. Need to wait AGAIN for another enlistment letter.
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self.Anxiety
|
Why should my baby suffer? I Work full time (minimum wage, but still), there is no reason i should be without food for my son or myself. Theres no reason our water should be shut off. There's no reason for anything bad to happen to us, we are good people, we go to church, we help the hungry homeless but yet here we are starving. I dont understand it, ithe universe could quit kicking my butt anytime now, i just need a little break to catch up. Off for good cry before work.
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self.offmychest
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I dont want to be wageslave I don't want to be wageslave. Most people work their asses off and strugge to make ends meet. Life doesnt make sense if its only about work. Should i kill myself if i don't want to become a wageslave?
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self.SuicideWatch
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need to get this out.. its a bit long winded So to begin I guess I should tell you that I work as a paramedic for the time being. I work in an area where our response area is responsible for about 250k people with about 15 ambulances on at a time.
The second part that I should tell before we get to it is that my dad lives in the same city as I do, but we haven't had any contact/communication for probably 5 years. Growing up he was abusive and always had addiction problems with drugs\alcohol. So when I got old enough to decide for myself I cut ties with him and basically told him to get fucked. That was about 10 years ago, but 5 years ago I wanted to attempt to give a relationship with him once last try. We corresponded through text and phone calls and met up in person once. But it was more of the same.. drunk phone calls, argumentative etc. He was a completely toxic person and ended up alone and isolated from everyone who may have at one point cared about him because of alcoholism.
To gain a sense of closure of.. I don't know.. I guess completely cutting ties with him for the rest of my life I wrote him a letter. In the letter I went into great detail about why exactly I want nothing to do with him and why he will never meet my children. To end the letter I wrote "see to it that I am notified when you're dead." And that was it.
Fast forward a few years, I'm working an overtime shift on the rig. We get a call for "check on the welfare" which is usually someone hasn't been seen or heard and someone (friend, neighbor) has reason to believe they are unable to get to the door or are dead. Well we roll up and sure as shit it's my dads trailer. The dispatch ticket (on our computer in the rig) said no one had seen him for 3 weeks and mail has been piling up. So we get on scene and I look at the name on the mail outside and it is him. So I walk up to a cop on scene and ask if he's dead and he says oh yeah, he's been there a while. I say well that's my dad, I'll be over there (pointing to my rig). I completely break down and lose it infront of my coworker and a paramedic student we had riding with us that day. Bawling my eyes out, a big fat blubbery fucking mess. He was in there for 3 weeks before anyone noticed he hadn't been around. In a hot unventilated trailer in the summer.. Luckily I wasn't required to pronounce him as he was obviously DOA. The cop came up and asked me about his info and of course I knew all of it.. DOB place of birth etc.
Then the cop asks me if I have a brother, I say no as far as I know I'm his only child. I guess the neighbors that had spoken with PD stated that my dad had always told them that he had a son who had died in Afghanistan. Thanks dad.
What gets me is that last line of the letter I had sent years before. "see to it that I'm notified when you're dead".. a response area of 250k people.. 15 ambulances on at a time... what are the fucking odds that I get that call? Seriously. I don't understand it and it seriously fucks with me. And come to find out at the hospitals in town I wasn't listed as an emergency contact or next of kin or anything.. So had I not been the one to get the call I probably would never had known if/when/how he died.
So over the next few days I call his side of the family, all of which are several states away. None of them are surprised or care really, I don't blame them and I'm not mad at them at all. His one brother that still sort of gave a shit about him flies up from Texas. In speaking with him he told me a story about my deceased uncle and my deceased grandfather. Similar situation, they hadn't spoken in a long time and had cut ties with each other. Well apparently they had each ended up in the hospital. I believe my grandfather was in some sort of accident and my uncle had overdosed/had an accident related to alcohol. I'm not clear on the details. Anyway, they ended up in the same hospital (in phoenix, AZ) on the same floor, and in the same fucking room. After years of not speaking with each other. What in the fuck.
I see a parallel between these two events. Its a complete mind fuck. I don't know what to make of it and I try not to think about it. Me getting the call to my dad and my uncle and grandfather ending up in the same hospital room. I get on fine most days but some days it finds its way into my mind. I have a supportive family and all but still.. it eats at me. I'm done being a paramedic. I have completely checked out at work. I want nothing to do with it anymore. I'm going back to school in the spring for an unrelated field but I have to stick it out for 4-5 more years before I can really put EMS behind me.
Anyway... thats it. Thanks for reading
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety relationship blues Anyone else a bit fed up of how their anxiety just seems to pop up all the time in the middle of their relationship?
A tiff can't be a tiff for me without me over analysing and going in to melt down. I know it's not healthy and I try to avoid it interfering but it's so hard. :(
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self.Anxiety
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i keep putting my happiness in the hands of other people and keep getting destroyed [deleted]
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self.depression
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Who feels like they're trapped in an internal and/or external prison? Some days I feel wholly capable of digging myself out of my rut, before quickly falling back into feeling completely powerless to do anything. Rinse and repeat lol
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self.depression
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I haven’t signed up for classes next semester No point if I don’t plan on sticking around
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self.depression
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Am I just lazy? Hi. I'm concerned about myself.
I'm bipolar but I've been very stable for the last year with no episodes. I'm in a relationship that has been very stable until the last few weeks, I'm not having issues showing up for my student teaching on time every day, and I'm full time in a graduate program where I have been successful until now (I even made it on the deans list the last 3 quarters! Go me!).
In the last few months (this quarter) my father has been absent from my life and in the past we've been very close. He's a narcissist and has always made me feel like shit, and things got worse when him and his narcissist wife adopted a baby (he's almost 60). He cut me out of his life completely about 3 weeks ago and then told everyone that I gave him an ultimatum to choose between me and his wife and left him no option (I didn't give him any sort of ultimatum and have even had my therapist and boyfriend look through messages and emails to make sure I didn't do this). It has been a stressful situation for me and I've spent a lot of time mourning the loss of my father in my life.
My sister's health has deteriorated significantly and she has been in and out of the hospital, including a month long stay in September. After receiving a pretty bad prognosis she has had some mental health issues as well. My family (including me and my boyfriend) have alternated care for her, including taking her to doctors appointments several times a week. My boyfriend and I have started to support her financially, and I'm having to accept that my sister is dying.
My boyfriend and I have been a little rocky lately after he was getting too close with a female friend. We've been going to counseling and fighting a lot and have been toying with the idea of me moving out.
So I have these three big sources of stress on top of student teaching and full time graduate school.
The thing is, I haven't been in a depressive episode or anything. I wake up easily, sleep easily, go to college, student teach every day, go grocery shopping, shower... I'm a fully functioning human being.
I am incredibly stressed out, but I'm oddly calm about it. When I think about everything I'm so anxious that I'm sick to my stomach. I'm constantly paranoid about how I interact with people and the things that I say, especially when talking to people who know and talk to my dad. I'll say something about my life to my cooperating teacher or anyone who knows my dad and think about it for days.
I've kept my anxiety and stress to myself. I come off as totally calm and having my shit together. My family and friends think I'm ok. I haven't talked about my stress level with anyone except for my therapist, and he moved away 2 weeks ago so I haven't talked to anyone since then, including my boyfriend who I live with. When I'm at school teaching or talking to my family and stuff I can ignore the stress and anxiety (except for some social anxiety) so in those moments I feel and look fine.
There's one area where I'm not functioning properly... I cannot do my homework. I just cant. I stall and I procrastinate and then when I start to do it I just can't. I go to college on Saturdays and I was realizing how behind I am and started crying in front of my cohort yesterday. I just can't do it.
Is my not being able to do my homework related to my stress? or am I just lazy? I got an extension on my classwork because of my sister, but my other sister and mom told me that I'm just choosing to avoid my homework because they've seen me at my worst and this isn't it. Is that true? Can avoidance be a symptom of stress even if I'm not showing other symptoms of depression? Or do I just need to get my shit together and keep up?
I feel super overwhelmed by everything but I don't understand how I'm functioning in every other area of life and just not homework. Maybe I just have senioritis? Other people are struggling with motivation in my program also, but still finishing assignments in time. I'm worried that I'm actually just lazy and being dramatic.
tl;dr I'm under a lot of stress because of my family drama, a rocky relationship, and my sister's health problems, on top of full time teaching and graduate school. I haven't been able to buckle down and do homework regardless of fully functioning in every area of my life. Am I just lazy and unmotivated? Or just stressed and showing it in a weird way?
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self.bipolar
|
I'm so tired I feel like I'm that dude from fight club Literally my pattern is so fucked, 2 hours sleep then woken up by people then fights in this house. I feel physically sick I want to vomit but I can't relax in this house ever. I have aged so fucking much with stress :( I just want my own place and peace to sleep without an old woman arguing with me every damn day. I thought about doing a walk but the state I'm in I feel like I'd collapse.
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self.depression
|
Hanging myself tonight There's so many beautiful things in the world destroyed by a few overpowering things.
This is my 3rd and final attempt pills suck.. hanging please work.
I cannot function properly in public I cannot graduate high school I've had no friends and horrible depression and anxiety for years and have been homeless for one year. I get so attached to animated characters and have my heart broken after their show is over knowing no one real will be kind or love me like them. I just want to love and be friends with people .. I'm crying now it's too hard to type now
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I tried to contact my friends to help me, but they couldn't, so now I'm venting here I looked up how to be happy right now, because I need to clean and do some college project thing before noon, because that's when my group will show up to talk about that same work I have been neglecting doing. It's currently six am, and I've been reading article after article. Most of them were just tips, like "Ten Tips on Being Better Now!" or "45 Tips!" and so on. You get the picture.
I really didn't think any of it would help, but you know how those last lingering pieces of hope stay with you and make you believe that maybe, in any of them, there's a holy grail that you haven't seen the last hundred times when you searched for the same thing. Well, I did search for these articles a lot, even in just the past year, and I already knew some of the similar trends between them. But I never realised until now just how many of them I'm doing that's supposed to make me feel better, that just simply doesn't do it anymore.
Like, going outside is a big one, and the last few months, I've been dragging my ass out for walks, because I have a friend who loves to photograph. If I get really bad, I go on walks even at two am (no worries, where we live, it's pretty safe and there's almost no-one outside), and come back a few hours later. I also compliment people all the time and offer my help to others. In fact, whenever I do anything lately, it's always for other people, because that's the only thing that can motivate me. There's also even simpler stuff, like cutting out junk food and Facebook, and watching funny videos... Which I do as well. I have a tendency to eat like a garbage can, but it has been a lot better lately, even if I do have some relapses, I don't use Facebook beside talking to my parents, and I just found a new youtuber whose videos are always upbeat and fun to watch. Even my boyfriend started to watch her, even though a lot of her videos are about fashion and make up (it's Safiya Nygaard, if anyone's interested, really try and give her videos a go!).
And yet I feel worse and worse every single day. I'm jobless, and really, getting a job scares me just as much as thinking about offing myself, because... Well, honestly, I'm not even sure, I just know that each time I had a job, even if it was something that I actually liked because the people were amazing, my depression came rushing back harder than ever. Every. Single. Time. And I hate it with a passion.
Basically, these lists just sort of made me feel even more desperate, because I understand the science behind them, and I feel like if these can't help, then really, nothing will. And if nothing will help, then who am I to take up as much space as I already do? Then the obvious answer to me is to just... Be gone. But, you know, the problem is, I'm afraid of that. I want to be happy, but it seems so impossibly far away, I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.
And with all of this, I just feel so useless, I try to do things, I try to clean, I try to go to at least college everyday, but after a few hours, I have a fever and I need to lay down or I'd pass out. These things quite literally make me feel physically sick, and it got to the point where I've been having a mild fever for the past week, even on days where I just lay in bed and joke around with my boyfriend.
Honestly, I don't know what sort of holy grail I'm waiting for here, in this thread. It's long, probably full of grammatical errors, and possibly boring. But, again, that goddamn little spark of hope is still in me, just waiting to get taken out. But if you do have anything to say, anything at all, please do.
Thanks for reading, if you got through it.
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self.depression
|
i hate myself and life is meaningless i’m so fucking stupid. i never do anything right and i constantly mess everything up. i don’t have any friends or anyone who cares about me either. there’s no fucking reason or purpose anymore, not that there ever was but..... i don’t know. i’m sorry i just wasted your time. bye
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Unable to stop talking to myself- any ideas/experiences? Hey all- I know this has come up on here before, but I find that particularly in times of anxiety, I cannot stop myself from saying things out loud. They aren't even my thoughts, necessarily- they're just parts of conversations, random sentences, etc. I sound insane. I'm at home for the holidays and it's starting to confuse my family, who don't know about my diagnosis. What have your experiences with this been? /has anything in particular helped you?
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self.bipolar
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Advice, comments, or concerns about Latuda Hey everybody!
I've been in a deep depression for around 1 1/2 to 2 years. I started lithium last September which has kept me from having any mania/hypomania, and really helped with suicidal thoughts/feelings, but the depression is still there.
As a side note I also take vyvanse, zyprexa, and levothyroxine.
Anyway my new psychiatrist finally prescribed me 20mg of Latuda once a day.
What can I expect with this med? Has it helped anyone else with severe depression? Does it take more than 2 weeks to work? I was told I have to take it after I eat at least 350 calories. Has anyone had side effects (I know this can really differ from person to person but I'd be interested to know).
Basically any information someone can give me about the medication and how it worked for them would be great.
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self.bipolar
|
I’ve never had anxiety as severe as I have this last year. I’ve always struggled with social anxiety to some degree or another but nothing I really needed to take a medication to manage for.
However, last fall I took an incredibly stressful class at college. I have never felt pressure as high as I did in that class.
As soon as it ended I began feeling extremely crazy anxiety. I couldn’t walk down the halls at my university without feeling like I would pass out, so I would have to run to the bathroom to calm down. I couldn’t work out because I would feel as if I would die if my heart rate got too high. I would be sitting at my desk at work and for absolutely no reason I would have the most intense and sudden panic attack. I’ve always been able to drink pre workout and feel absolutely fine until this year. I made the mistake of taking it once after my intense anxiety started and I ended up going to an insta care because I was so incredibly anxious and I couldn’t calm down. I ended up getting on medicine and that has calmed it down for the most part but I still don’t feel like myself and I will have bad panic attacks if I forget to take it. I honestly believe that all this anxiety came as a result of that class I took.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
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self.Anxiety
|
TMI anxiety symptom So i've been worked up all week with my usual symptoms of anxiety because this weekend (tonight and tomorrow night) i have two events planned that normally i wouldn't do. tonight is a family outing and tomorrow is a work gathering. I do not want to do either for my anxiety's sake, i'd rather be home alone where i do not have to try. but i'm getting older i need to try and push past this. i want to push past my anxiety.
anyways, i noticed i'd been feeling sick this week, stomach ache etc, and for the life of me i cant make a bowel movement. i mean i didnt put two and two together until today but its so odd. Could i be that tense that my bowels are refusing to release. I've drank water, had some green tea, dairy products etc and yet i can not go. Bloated as all get out.
Anyone else experience this?
***sorry if i'm being weird or TMI***
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self.Anxiety
|
I can't do this anymore I can't even begin to describe how hard it is for me to continue in the situation I'm in. Someone please just tell me it's going to be okay. I really need some help.
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self.depression
|
Weird feeling of losing a strong friendship so quickly when you break up I don't even know if this is the right place for this but it's something I've been thinking about and I want to see if anyone can relate.
I've just been thinking about how weird it is to have been in love with someone and break up then just never hear from them again. My ex was my best friend. I had friends I've known for a lot longer but me and him had such an instant connection that our relationship was the definition of being in a relationship with your best friend and sometimes I just get overwhelmed thinking that I haven't seen or spoken to him since about a month after we broke up. Like that whole relationship we'd built up just vanished overnight. I'm over him now but there's still part of me that wishes we'd never got in a relationship and maybe he'd be my best friend now. It's like I feel a whole new emotion when I think about it, is there a word for that??? It's also like when I think or talk about times when we were together I'm talking about different people now, not us. Because it's been over a year since I last saw him and I just don't know that person anymore. Like when I think about memories with him I'm looking from the outside and I'm seeing him but it's before I'd ever spoken to him and he's with someone I don't know. It's kinda sad because I have a lot of happy memories with him and now that I'm over the whole thing they're not painful to think about anymore but they're not happy like they should be, like I just don't feel anything.
Sorry that was so long I'm just rambling. Does anyone relate at all??
tl;dr - It's weird to think about how I lost such a good friendship overnight when I broke up with my ex and when I think of memories with him it's like thinking about two strangers.
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self.offmychest
|
I've literally never heard anyone use the word 'pro-active' except when they're telling me things I already know about how much of a failure I am It's like a trigger. I just turn off and stop listening when I hear 'pro-active'. It's not hyperbole at all.
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self.depression
|
The Two Worst Days Of My Year I just started a marathon of How I Met Your Mother in the last week or two. It occurs to me now that I start one around this same time every year, but this is the first year that I've seen a lot more significance in it. I just finished watching Season 6, Episode 13 - Bad News; it was the first year I ever noticed the countdown. Every scene, every cut, there's a clock that keeps ticking down. 50. 49. 4847. Sometimes it's a number on a poster. A box of cereal. A door.
After a little bit of thought, I remembered which episode it was and what it was counting down to. I felt this looming dread and it also made me think about the days leading up to the sudden losses that I've been forced to deal with... One year ago yesterday, one of my oldest and truest friends. Six years ago today, my mom. Neither with any kind of warning, any expectation, and any closure. As the numbers ticked down on the show, I replayed the days, hours and even minutes leading up to when my life fundamentally changed, and I just felt this growing heaviness in my heart.
People who know me, know that I cry easily and often. But, whether they know it or not, some of it is a lot heavier than others. Like the one I'm in right now, where it doesn't feel like I'll ever feel better, but if I'm lucky it'll stop for long enough to go to sleep. I've been making some progress on the mental front thanks to a new therapist, confronting my depression, my anxiety, my grief, and the pattern I've noticed is that the things that hit me the hardest, that I always come back to, are the shows where people come out of it on the other side. Marshall eventually does continue to live his life. Takayuki manages to stop shutting himself away and move forward. Tatsuya learns to live for himself instead of in memory. And I want that. I want to eventually get to that point where my life is defined as much by where I'm going, instead of solely by where I've been.
I can imagine a future in which I don't think that dying would be a relief. Where I don't think how the only thing keeping me from ending things is that my family has lost too much and doesn't need another. Where I'm not afraid to leave the house and be around people, to meet strangers, to perform like I used to.
But as Jason Segel says, as Marshall, in unscripted emotion because he did not know what the news at the end would be... "I'm not ready for this." That's how I felt 6 years ago. That's how I felt 1 year ago. And that's how I feel today. But I'm trying really hard to get there some day. I'm just not there yet. And right now, I don't see the path. I keep looking, though.
If you made it all the way down here, thank you. Just knowing that someone read this somehow makes me feel a little bit less alone.
TL;DR: A year ago yesterday, one of OP's oldest friends died suddenly. 6 years ago today, OP's mom died suddenly. OP is not ok, but is trying to get better - or, at least, hoping to.
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self.depression
|
How do you deal with panic attacks in public? This is the first time I've actually posted anything, anxiety being the thing holding me back.
I've suffered with anxiety primarily during my sophomore year of high school (currently a freshman in college) and my method of managing panic attacks is mainly just to repress the symptoms as much as possible. I already embarrass easily so the thought of having a full blown attack in the middle of class seems petrifying. I always force myself to calm down.
After a tad bit of research (that gave me anxiety just reading), I discovered that you're not supposed to hold back the symptoms? so how do you deal with them?
I'm TERRIFIED of crowds and will most likely have one in every crowd I'm in. Do I just stand there and panic? How do you even manage panic attacks in general?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else hate most people? I try to be social, but I can't help it - I hate people. It's like no one that I meet is interested in forming a good friendship. People are too judgmental, and it's fine to judge people, but they make their judgments too obvious and open. Most people that I know put themselves above others, even if they'd like to think they don't. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being nice in a world where most people won't be nice back. I'm tired of trying to help. I just want it to be over.
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self.depression
|
You may not have just depression. You may be getting the wrong treatment. So I was depressed when I was 13 and have been since then. I received tons of therapy, but none of it ever really worked. Talk therapy just didn't seem to be cutting it.
I was always an emotional person and felt things stronger than other people. I just knew I did.
I would make this a big long story, but I want to get to the point. Of course all of us here have depression, but you might also have Borderline Personality Disorder. All the signs were there for me, but my therapist never diagnosed me. I was diagnosed last winter in a hospital.
There's DBT therapy for people with Borderline. It hasn't cured me, but it makes life more manageable. It sucks that I was getting the wrong treatment practically my whole life. Maybe do a google search to see if you can relate to some of the symptoms of borderline. I hope someone can benefit from this and get the right treatment. I wish I would have known about borderline when I was 18, not 27 years old....
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self.depression
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asked my crush out via DM, had panic attack [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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How was your Christmas ? I got pretty drunk, vomitted, and passed out in the restroom.
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self.depression
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Feeling do trapped in my 9 to 5 job and routine life [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I'm telling you because I can't tell anyone else Read it or not. This is what's in my head. I'm telling you, reddit, because I haven't told anyone else.
For the better part of 20 years, I have been struggling with depression. I learned early on that suicidal threats or actions get your ass hauled to the hospital, and I cannot and will not do that again. So when I go to my psychiatrist or any other doctor these days, I just lie. I don't tell them things like:
1. I think about killing myself or being dead several times a day, without fail.
2. Sometimes it's a fun fantasy to think about getting instantly vaporized by a nuke or crushed by a building.
3. I've imagined what people will say if I'm dead, and all I can think about is everyone saying, "Oh, him? He shot himself."
4. Sometimes when I'm driving on the highway and the thoughts are particularly bad, I unbuckle my seatbelt and wrap it around my neck. I give myself bonus points if I can bring myself to let go of the wheel for a second or two.
5. I honestly did not think I would ever be this old, and now I don't know what to do.
I've tried every medication ever, years of therapy, and more. It was really just this year when I resigned myself to the fact that this isn't going away and I'm going to live out the rest of my life wanting to die every day. I guess the real reason I haven't told anyone is that I still want to have the option if I want to check out later. But who am I kidding? I don't have the balls to actually do it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
i've been mostly okay There's a friend of mine who does SH...and I just
I've done it before too, but I still don't really know what to do. I'm just trying to be there.
I guess...I'm just reminded of how sad I can get too and I know I'm supposed to avoid this "negativity" but he's a person. He's my friend. He's a human, I can't just...I know it's hurting me and I feel it. But I can't leave him alone. Even if my presence means nothing, which it probably does, you just, you always help people if you can afford to. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself hanging around. Can I have a little support? I don't have many people around to keep me stable.
|
self.depression
|
Classically Bipolar Week Friday I got engaged.
Sunday I went to inpatient for the second to worse manic episode I’ve ever had.
Monday I was accepted to grad school.
Wednesday I got out of inpatient.
Thursday is thanksgiving and we get to tell my family in person that we are engaged.
I’m feeling the chaos. Even manic I’ve never have imagined these kinds of highs and lows.
|
self.bipolar
|
How to control myself from doing stupid things I'm obsessing over one person, I can't control it.
And then, everytime I don't get a reply, or something that doesn't suit my 'agenda', if I will, makes me so anxious. I feel physically sick, I can't eat and feel like I have no control.
I'm a smart person,
I will log into their social media, and do stupid things like that so I feel like I'm in control of the situation.
I don't know what to do anymore, the last time this happened it ended horribly. I can't control myself because of my anxiety, I keep doing stupid things.
I'm constantly on edge. I don't want to do anything. I want to lay in bed.
I've never been 'happy' per say, but when I'm with this person I am so happy and it feels weird but I enjoy it, and am the happiest Ive ever been around this person. But when there is any uncertainty about anything or something isn't going right I am anxious all the time.
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self.Anxiety
|
Condescending Doctor Rant You go to see your doctor for whatever reason. They ask you mental health questions. You can tell they're just asking because they're required to. You answer their questions, maybe not being entirely truthful because you don't want to be judged or labeled. Don't you just love it when they say, "Well you just need to learn to relax." If I could do that easily, I wouldn't have anxiety now would I asshole?
I haven't had this experience with my current general practitioner. He's fantastic. I have had it with various doctors in the past, including a dentist (I grind my teeth in my sleep when I'm really stressed). I was contemplating asking my doctor for a change in medication and the ghost all of my past experiences rose up to haunt me.
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self.Anxiety
|
Never thought I would suffer from this... how wrong was I? Help and advise is needed. Scared of calling my doctor Hi all. I’ve mainly read the thread Health Anxiety as I’ve always thought I was a hypochondriac. I’m not sure this is the case.
I’m not paranoid about ailments I have now, I’m just terrified of getting ill or watching loved ones getting ill in the future. My Grandad and Mum both have arthritis and I fret and obsess about it to the point I want to cry. My Mum is only in her forties and I just worry about her constantly. If she knew I was like this, I’m sure she’d be so upset.
I’m paranoid about getting it and sit a try to calculate the likelihood of me getting it. Like is it in my genes?
Then there’s the being so scared of life disappearing but the thought of living life with some disease like that is terrifying.
I now feel pain in my back and other places - is this my mind playing tricks on me??
I used to wake up and just feel like there was a cloud of dread over my day. Like darkness and terror that I can’t explain. Luckily I’ve stopped that now but I’m scared of it coming back.
I just feel scared all the time but I know it’s stupid.
My mind feels like it’s splitting into two; the rational, straight minded side and the side full of dread. I’m 24/F and my life is great! I need these thoughts to stop because they’re ruining me!!!!
Help!!!!
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self.Anxiety
|
(18M) Today I got fired from my second job within a few months. Mid September I got my first job, at a high end restaurant in the city. My girlfriend's father was my connection to get in. I was an expo, which is basically the guy who tracks food orders, preps plates, and runs them out to tables. More or less, the mediator between the kitchen and the servers. I wasn't perfect at this job, but I learned quick and became very efficient at what I was doing and made a lot of money.
Beginning of November, I got called into the managers office for them to inform me that I got laid off. Had nothing to do with my performance, just that the restaurant was underperforming and they needed to cut some things to save some money. So that included the expo position. Me and the other expo were gone with barely a notice.
Month goes by, and I'm scrambling for a job. Suddenly I got a tip from a friend that the place they were working was open to hiring, so I did an interview and got the job.
It was a family owned pizzeria. Good people. I was rocky at this job, as it was a lot to do and a lot to be responsible over since everything was made from scratch and the family that owned it was very strict.
During this time of working there, I was going under a lot of personal stress, due to being kicked out of my house, my girlfriend leaving me, and my dog dying. My depression was controlling me most days, and to bring upon a professional face some days was challenging but I did it. I tried repressing my problems to just try and move forward.
Today, I got a text out of nowhere from my boss saying that he had to let me go. Said that I didn't take directions very well, and that I had slight attitude when taking orders. Instead of asking for another chance, I apologized that I wasn't what he wanted and went onto looking for other jobs.
I'd been looking for other jobs anyways, ideally just as a second job since I wasn't getting enough at the pizzeria. But I don't know, today being fired after being let off my last job too really got to me. Probably the reasons, which I didn't expect, bother me the most.
At my first job in the high end restaurant, I'd come with the intention of getting the position of server. Instead, I just got expo. That if I proved myself there, I could get server. When I got laid off, my first question was if I could become a server instead. They just said no positions were available.
Come to find out a little bit later, that my girlfriend's father talked to the manager. He said the reason I wasn't given the position of server was because I wasn't confident enough.
From then, I worked on my confidence best I could. But because of the disarray of my life, from abuse at home, to losing my job, to problems with my girlfriend, I just became arrogant.
And now here I am, out of another job, because I again wasn't enough. Out of a relationship because I wasn't enough, and struggling with a family proving that I'm good enough.
I realize this is probably such a small failure, but I need some sort of consolation at the moment, because I got none of it. I just have my own reflection.
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self.offmychest
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Are my best years already behind me? I'm only 19, but I already feel like my best years are well behind me. My parents are getting older, my grandpa's about to die, we've gone from wealthy to broke in the past 10 years, I'm still failing in school as I always have, except now it matters. No matter how hard I try I can't do well in school. I've lost my lifelong pets and we cant afford to get any more pets for a long time, and my dogs were my best friends. I crashed my car and lost my financial aid, and I lost my job. I keep daring life to show me how it could get worse, and every time it's delivered. I could go on and on. I'm really thinking about suicide more and more everyday. I don't want to die, but I really don't see a way out. I always looked forward to this part of my life, but part of me knew it would suck. My best years weren't honestly that amazing, if that's as good as this is gonna get then I don't see a point in going forward. If it were down to me or someone else, I'd gladly volunteer to die if it actually meant I did something. Do I really have anything to look forward to? So far everything I've predicted up to now has been right, this has sucked. Will I be right about my future too? Why shouldn't I just go OD right now. It would be easy, and take the burden off everyone else.
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self.depression
|
I don't know if I am depressed or going through tough time... [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm drunk and crying because everything idk i just feel so nostalgic sad and everything. i was drinking i can't relate with my cousins so i drunk my guts out. rn i feel like as if i'm just a faded shadow of who i used to be; a confident happy person. i feel so lonely and regretful i feel so hopeless like i lost everything every person i loved the only thing i'm holding to as tight as i can are my memories. i feel so distant.
if i were just the same but different.
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self.depression
|
If i said what i wanted to say So, i guess a bit of background, i have for years been part of a website that has dealt with suicide, by and large in the role of councillor. Despite my own issues and deep downward spirals i always gave help, rarely ever reaching out, but focusing on giving and giving.. There is something draining in supporting others, to the degree i used to. I had a friend, ive known since i first started giving help there. Literally talked them down from attempt after attempt, pleading they not give themselves scars as i hypocriticaly trace lines in my skin. I gave myself to them and others to save them and by and large i succeeded. On a website thats sole purpose was to die, i always had pride in the fact that those i helped, those i intensely helped lived.. In six years i never lost any, despite the damage it did to me i never stopped..
Now.. Now the downward spiral is happening again for me, except this time its so bad for me that i reached out to them for help, for the first time ever. I asked for their help, never before have i done as such.. And they.. By their response.. Ive never felt so abandoned and i worry were i to tell them what i think of them now, now that they are better and treat me as they do. I worry should i say what i want to say to them the one thing i hold dear, my only achievement would be gone, for my only achievement was saving the lives of suicidal people.
No need to reply, just need to get it out, its a new concept to me
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Cymbalta withdrawl while on period as well? is this why i feel like i'm going "Crazy"? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Here goes nothing... Chapter 1: The Family...
I was raised in a "blue collar", white, middle-class, suburban household. I'm a male in my late twenties with an older sister and parents that are still married (miraculously). My upbringing was typical for the aforementioned setting with one exception; my sister went from being a star softball player to being some P.O.S. gangbangers' bitch in high school. This caused a lot of severe, intense, drama during my formative years. I saw my dad pull his gun on the P.O.S. twice. I thank the universe that he never pulled the trigger. I'm sure it took every ounce of willpower he had. My sister eventually came around and got her life back on track, but not before many extremely stressful years. She would steal from my parents and me all the time. Once, she even stole my N64 and pawned it for drug money. My parents almost got divorced several times during these years as my dad wanted to let my sister hit rock bottom, and my mom wouldn’t let him. This was my junior high and high school life. I could tell yall of a few dozen other messed up scenarios of my childhood and family.
Chapter 2: The Ex...
So I met her way back in the early AOL chatroom days... A/S/L anybody? It was the best AND worst romantic relationship I have ever had. It was the best because it was founded on personality and conversation, not aesthetics and lust. We talked to each other for months before exchanging pictures. She was perfect, but she lived halfway across the United States. I was 14 and she was 15. We dated off and on for 4 years; on for about a year and a half; then off for half a year; then on another half; then off a half; then on strong for the final year up until the end. I dedicated my entire high school life to her.
We flew to each other’s states many times back and forth taking turns visiting one another. We were getting our parents to buy us plane tickets instead of b-day and x-mas presents… That’s love.
Chapter 3: The Break-Up...
It happened at the end of my last visit to her. It was the summer right after I graduated. She had just come down for my Senior Prom a few months prior. I spent two weeks at her house. The first week was pure heaven; the second week was pure hell. She wanted to go see her longtime friend, whose family had been close with hers for her entire life. The dude was in the Marines and stationed a couple hours’ drive away from her house. I insisted she should wait until I left; she insisted she go alone and leave me with her family for the day. It was a full day at that… I knew exactly what the deal was. She went and fucked this dude while she left her BF, visiting from out of state, with her family. Needless to say, she ended things the last day before my flight home. I have never truly recovered from this…
Chapter 4: The Bomb…
So here’s where I kick the depression into overdrive… I had a best friend. Our unrivaled friendship would start at the age of 3; when our parents, who didn’t know the one another, enrolled us both in a Lutheran private school that started with Pre-K 3. Don’t get me wrong, this was not one of those preppy private schools you are all imagining right now. It was in the middle of Pasadena… Texas… not Cali… although I hear the one in Cali is equally shitty. We both attended this school up through the 5th grade. Our parents transferred us to public school starting in 6th grade. We lived in different cities so we no longer were schoolmates. That was ok though, because we had already developed the habit of taking turns spending the weekends at each other’s house. We had already been best friends since kindergarten. I was really into music and played a couple instruments; he was really into science and technology (mainly computers) due to his older brother who was a computer guru. I would teach him about music and he would teach me about computers. I was a mere console gamer until he taught me the ways of the PC master race. He was Cheech to my Chong. Trust me… I was Chong… Still am. During high school, we started spending most weekends at his house instead of alternating; mostly due to the stressful situation that my family was going through. Because of this, I started becoming friends with the friend group he made at his school. They are all awesome people and I am proud to know them all still to this day. Well anyways… about a year and a half into college, he gets killed in a car accident. The steering column damn near decapitated him as a Tahoe hit him head on in his little Ranger. They said he died almost instantaneously as the steering wheel hit him in the chin, but I know they tell that shit to the family to help them feel a little better. It offered me no solace.
Chapter 5: The Aftermath…
The combination of these 3 major events/scenarios has come to rule my life. There have been other significant events, but these are the 3 pillars of my daily depression. The Unstable Family, The Lost Love, and the Dead Best Friend; my little trifecta of misery. Before my friend died, I would talk to him about all of this stuff and he helped me through my roughest break-up. He was the only person I have ever truly trusted 100%. Since his untimely death, I have been stuck with no one to tell my most personal issues with. I have been bottling up all of my emotions ever since. Due to people close to me betraying my trust so often, I have a hard time trusting people and opening up to them. I have manifested a toxic lifestyle of loneliness and despair.
Chapter 6: The First Few Years…
The first few years after his death, I spent most of my time meeting new people to do lots of drugs with and hang out with to take my mind off of it all. It didn’t work at all. I thought about my ex, and my best friend every day. Drugs would help me keep my mind right; but their effects were only temporary and they were expensive. Music became my comfort zone. Something that I had always loved and been raised on. I wrote many songs about my life and experiences. They helped to verbalize my suffering in absence of someone to talk to; just like typing up all of this is helping me in absence of anyone to talk to. Although, the music wasn’t completely positive to the process; I would come to dwell on the misery in the songs I created. I would play them to myself in private and loath in self-pity. I ended up dropping out of college because I couldn’t bring myself to take life seriously. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I had lost everything I loved and held dearly.
Chapter 7: The Spark…
By this point, I had been ALONE for 8 years; that is, no lovers and no one trusted enough to talk personally with. I had been starting to put myself back out there. Extending my feelers and trying to gauge my place in society. I had found some comfort working at a smoke shop where I didn’t have to pretend to be some smiling suck-ass. I don’t know how it happened… I still consider it a close to, if not, a miracle that she gave me anything more than a passing thought. She had just gotten out of a rocky relationship. Honestly, I really just wanted a female friend to become close with and trust enough to talk with about all of my problems. We hung out a few times, and to my surprise, we both enjoyed each other’s company. She created a spark to reignite my cold, dead, heart. We slowly started opening up to each other. She was a real hippie chick and told me how she has been sleeping with different dudes to try and get over her ex, or just piss him off, I don’t know and definitely didn’t care. I really was looking for friendship and companionship, but after getting too fucked up with her one night, we fucked. Of course, it wasn’t a good idea. I needed someone to talk to, not someone to fuck. Well, maybe I needed both, but it definitely needed to be a different person for each. She had just reignited my heart, and then she practically threw herself at me; how could I resist? She was 9 years younger than me and a drop dead beauty… I knew it wasn’t going to last. I foolishly fell for her only to have her pull the whole “I think we should not hang out for a little while” line.
Chapter 8: The Darkness…
They say it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. This is something that I have debated countless times in my sad existence while I decide to open myself up again or not. I almost always side with never loved at all; because I feel like knowing exactly what you’re missing is worse, even though you were lucky to have had experienced it. I feel like the dark gets darker if you light a match and then put it out. Your eyes start to adjust to the light and then it’s gone… only to make you readjust to the darkness. Sure the darkness doesn’t technically get darker, but your perception of it does. There is that moment, right after the light goes out, where you cannot see anything at all. This is where a lot of people pull the plug. Strangely enough for me, these moments have been docile; mainly paralyzed by despair. My urge to pull the plug comes from a much more long-term and thought out side of my depression. You see, over the years of chronic depression, my thought process and scale for weighing situations has been corrupted.
Chapter 9: The Dream…
The whole reason I’m typing this, is because I found my dream girl. Trust me; you don’t want to meet your dream girl. You quickly realize that she is way out of your league and if you are depressed, you’re going to blow any chance with her like I just did. It has been 2 years since I had the spark in my life. I’m still reeling, just trying to stop the constant flip-flop of no self-esteem and some self-esteem. I’m a very confident person in all ways but one. When it comes to women, I seem to lose all confidence and sureness in my decisions. I studied Architecture in high school and college; give me the right tools and I can build you a house. But if I was the last guy on earth… eh… well MAYBE then… but yea… yall get it….
So here we are 11 years after my Ex, 9 years after my best friend’s death, 2 years after the spark. By this point I have stopped searching. I’m tired, exhausted, old, and ugly. Then, as if a sign from the heavens, a woman more beautiful than in my dreams is introduced. Every conversation pulling me in further and further; every conversation a new revelation of shared interests. This person can single handedly overwrite two decades of depression with her mere presence alone. Here’s the thing though, she’s just not into you like that.
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self.depression
|
I did it!!! I'm on the way to the airport. I made it through my whole conference. I went to universal on my own yesterday and rode a lot of the rides. I had some butterbeer because all the food and drinks were free. They had so much beer and wine for free but I didn't drink any. I totally geeked out in Harry Potter world!
There were basically no lines for the rollercoasters. I'm proud that I went because I had fun.
I learned so much at the conference. There were ups and downs but I made some contacts and I have some labs to work through within the next 6 months.
I can't believe I did! Another step to getting back to who I was before my onset! Hugs :)
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self.bipolar
|
I feel as if my “life” is going nowhere [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Worried about my husband. Just a vent post, feel free to ignore. (Apologies for formatting, I'm on mobile.)
A bit of backstory:
I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and have done for most of my life (I am currently almost 30, and have had anxiety and depression issues for as far back as I can remember). Due to various circumstances, it had gone untreated until a year ago when I was able to get into therapy, and recently I started medication and have since improved drastically from both forms of treatment.
Needless to say, my struggle with my illness has affected all parts of my life, including but not limited to my relationship with my DH (Dear Husband). Over the last eleven years, eight of them married, my illness has caused a deep strain on our relationship that is now slowly mending since I began treatment.
Onto today:
I am now currently, desperately, trying to talk DH into making a psychiatry appointment for himself, because for the last year or so he's:
• Been tired almost 24/7 despite sleeping A FUCKLOAD - Red flag #1.
• Gets easily irritated at anything and everything, and is prone to "everything sucks and will always suck" thinking - Red flag #2.
• Just now he told me that it's taken him three days just to work up the energy to take a shower this morning - Red flag #3.
Put all those red flags together and what does that sound like to you?
If you said "DEPRESSION," you win a virtual cookie.
I've broached the possibility of his having some level of depression before, but he wouldn't hear of it. He claimed any issue he had was "just life being life" and if he could get a better job and not have us struggle so much financially then he'd be fine... But guys, that's how it started getting REALLY bad for me. "Life being life," and always feeling like I was struggling to get by, slowly feeling more and more overwhelmed by our financial situation and other problems in my life. Then it spilled over into EVERY part of my life, and before I knew it, I was sleeping all the time and always tired, and it would take me a solid week or more just to get the energy to be bothered with basic self care like brushing my hair or showering.
I know he doesn't like the idea that he could be mentally ill, and worse, I know it's partly my fault because through all of my struggles I've always told him that he's been my rock, and that if he wasn't so patient and mentally solid when it came to dealing with my illness then I would probably have killed myself ages ago.
So I've probably contributed to some of the denial in his own mind, because obviously if HE has depression then he isn't as strong as I've built him up to be, and admitting to that probably sounds like he'd be letting me down somehow.
I've told him that honestly it wouldn't surprise me if he DOES have some level of depression after all we've been through together, and all HE'S been through dealing with ME in the state I've been in for the last several years. That it would be okay, I wouldn't think less of him. How could I? I mean, I'm the LAST person to judge someone for being depressed. There's no shame in it.
I've just told him that I'm worried, that his symptoms are all lining up with how things started for me, and I know what a hellish nightmare it is. I just want him to feel better, and be happy, like he wants for me.
I have my own appointment tomorrow with my psychiatrist to follow up on how I've been doing with my medication, maybe I can talk him into making an appointment for himself then. I hope I can.
|
self.depression
|
Life sucks. I didn’t ask to be born. I wish I didn’t exist. Been going through the worst depressive episode I have ever experienced in my 22 years. Began in October, and has just gotten worse since. Tried to kms 2.5 months ago. Weak attempt, tried slitting wrists (down the street ofc) with a fucking pencil sharpener blade. That was the only sharp object I had, and I read online that those are supposed to be razor sharp. Have had the urge to jump off of a building on campus since January, and I still do, but I’m too much of a fucking pussy and I don’t wanna destroy my family. Doesn’t stop the intrusive thoughts though. Feel like shit 24/7, have little to no friends, one of whom is my dog lol, bad grades cause I can’t bring myself to do any fucking work since it seems so pointless, zero job prospects for after graduation, and absolutely no interest or enthusiasm for the future. Also feel like shit cause I have a good family life, been raised in an upper middle class household and have been giving basically everything I could have needed or wanted. I feel like I don’t deserve to be depressed and that I am an ungrateful fuck who should just commit suicide already.
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self.depression
|
What's the fucking point? I hate everything about the fact that I have been in college for 5, going on 6 years now because I majorly fucked up. I cannot do anything to please anybody, let alone myself. My parents are paying for everything because I don't have a job and I wouldn't be able to afford anything on my own anyways, so I know I'm a totally fucking loser. I'm stuck in a major that's pushing me to the brink of suicide everyday and there's no point in changing it unless I want to be in school for another 4 miserable fucking years. I might as well kill myself already. Also, FUCK the counseling services. They've done nothing for me and never will.
|
self.depression
|
I wish I had a friend to talk to over the phone. I’m so sick of calling up suicide hotline and I’m pretty sure they only work for SH for the volunteer hours. [deleted]
|
self.depression
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I just want it to end. I've been suicidal for as long as my memory can go. No matter where I look in my life, I just feel pain, suffering, and anguish. My childhood can be summed up as follows: I grew up in a hardcore christian zealot household. They didn't believe in medicating so when I was diagnosed with ADHD, they wrote it off as lazy. I also suffer from dyslexia to a lesser extent but nobody picked up on until after i flunked out of college. I also grew up with gender dysphoria and am stuck half way through my transition poor, in debt, and working minimum wage with gov health insurance that is just as bad as snail mail.
I had to endure things like having my fourth grade teacher ask my parents to bring a cardboard refrigerator box to put me in during class as to not disturb the other students. I owe the department of education money because I couldn't understand the legal agreement on the Pell Grant and some screw up financial aid lady at the college assured me that I wouldn't have to pay it back, even if for some reason I couldn't pass my classes.
The disabilities department at the college had lost my form so I wasn't able to get any assistance from them because I "didn't turn it in within the deadline". And to add insult to injury, my health insurance stopped covering the ADHD medication shortly into college thus causing me to struggle until I was academically dismissed for my grades. I wound up jumping from job to job and fighting my insurance to get that medication back, and see someone for my gender dysphoria which I ended up having to myself not covered by the insurance. They refused all services related to my gender dysphoria and I spent 2 years juggling work and fighting for them to cover anything until I had a mental break and went into the E.R. on a 5150 2 years ago.
The doctor put me on a mandatory full medical leave as I was not mentally fit to work. My significant other had contacted my employer to notify them that I was going on FMLA and they ended up firing me for "no call no show". I wound up having another mental snap and had to be admitted on a 5150. when I got out, I stayed at my boyfriends dads house till I found a job and we found an apartment. We moved into it, both names on the lease and everything. As soon as the first month went by, I started slipping into another depressive episode, he tried cheering me up, coerced me into birthday sex, and then took my portion of the rent for the next month and threw me out. Every attorney I met with said I had no case even though he broke a legal contract. The only person in my life that has any form of importance lives 14,000 miles away, is on disability, and just been told she can't come back to america anymore if she wants to stay qualified for her disability.
I never asked to be born with ADHD, dyslexia, and gender dysphoria. I never would of accepted the financial aid If I knew failing a course would require me to pay it back. I never chose this. I don't see this as a life, I see it as a cruel fucked torture that people say will get better. Every time someone has shown me a light at the end of the tunnel, Its ended in me being worse off. I can't live any longer if whats in front of me is just as bad as my past.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is living really worth it? Why was I born transgender, if I had of been born normal, none of my problems would exist.
I tried to stab myself in the neck with a knife today, It's blunt as fuck, so that was pointless.
I still have a strong urge to just jump under a train or something, nobody gives two shits about me, I keep having very bad flash backs of my past and the abuse I went though.
I don't even desreve to live, I'm such a waste of oxygen, should of just been aborted 20 years ago, I'm a no good pest.
If I had of had the balls I would of already choked myself to death with my belt, nobody would miss me, and I'll just be another statistic.
Realistically I can't stand another fucking day of this pain, my entire life is fucked. I've had nothing but abuse most of my life and it's so fucking unfair when I see terrible people who are happy, and have jobs, and I'm stuck at home being verbally abused, and fuck knows what will happen if i come out.
I might get murdered, bashed, attacked who the fuck knows, if my dad threatens to hit me over something as stupid as spilling a little bit of sugar, or having the shower curtain the wrong way, I wouldn't be surprised if it escalates to having the shit beat out of me, or ending up on the street.
I do have pills I can OD on, that'll be fun I guess.
I decided to delete my face-book account tomorrow and sometime after that I may off myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Triggered permanent visual changes after panic attacks Several weeks after my first horrible panic attack, I started experiencing head pressure, then eye floaters (which I never ever saw before), then another week later, I can now see halos around lights and extra glare in the day time. I also had occasional racing heart and muscle twitching for months, all of these symptoms combined were very scary to me so I then developed health anxiety and thought I could have MS or any other horrible disease, or glaucoma or something.
Of course, I got checked out by my GP and had blood work ran and it was all normal, I’ve also seen an Optamologist twice because of my concerning visual changes but nothing was wrong. When i mentioned the extra glare and halos at night, and I mean A LOT... he said that I have an HOA (high order aberration) because my eye lens is wider than my level of myopia (I’m severely near sighted, about -10D in both eyes!) so light wasn’t hitting the optimal spot in my retina.
I find this very strange because these visual symptoms developed within a matter of weeks and something like that can’t be so sudden.
I was wondering if anyone else on this board had permanent visual changes after experiencing panic attacks or bad anxiety. I was talking to my mom and apparently she sees halos around lights too but never noticed them until I mentioned them and she has nothing wrong with her eyes at all. I just find it strange how “anxiety” can really alter your general perception of things, and hopefully that is just my case! My mom also has eye floaters but noticed them since a very young age.
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self.Anxiety
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Trying to battle the urge to self harm. Anyone free to talk?
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self.Anxiety
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Shit Fuck I don't know how to live my life. I just don't. I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't and will not kill myself but I fucking wish I didn't exist at all.
What do I do ?
I can't go on like this anymore. I just can't.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is it progress? No, no it's not. Today, after a couple months of suddenly falling behind in school, I had a realization: alcohol is my muse. After trying to quit drinking for the last 2 months i realized I cannot complete my schoolwork without it. I can only read, analyze, and write when sipping on what will probably kill me one day, and I'm an English lit major.
After fighting the urge to throw myself in front of a moving car (and being oddly comforted by the idea for the first time in my life) I'm quickly catching back up in my classes. For the first time in months I feel like I'm catching up again, but at what cost?
I'm going to die like this and when I do they'll all say I had no one to blame but myself.
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self.depression
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Isn't it beautiful the way we fall apart.. Why do I feel this way? This morning I woke up fine, everything was going great. I made our bed, I made breakfast, I made coffee, I made lunch.. yet something just clicks and I'm back where I started, wishing for a happier life I wish I could provide myself.
If only I wouldn't shut away everyone and tear apart a relationship in the process.
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self.depression
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As someone who has never had severe anxiety before I just wanted to come by and say I get it now. That tight feeling in your chest. The sinking pit in the stomach. The inability to sleep.
My fiance has terrible anxiety and I always believed how bad it was but I never really understood it. Now I do.
Keep your head up and keep going! There is a light at the end of the tunnel and actions can be taken to relieve the stresses. You are a good person. Have a great day.
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self.Anxiety
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2017 is the worst year of my life Hello everyone.. using a throwaway because people know my account. Sorry. Pretty long post.
2017 has been without a doubt THE worst year of my life. I have never been so down on myself ever in my 27 years of living. Dont get me wrong.. since 2014 my life has been a downward spiral but thats besides the point. 2017 was the one that truly made me crack.. I'm still in a dark place idk what to do I'm so lost..
My year started off with me pretty much being rejected by a beautiful girl.. we got along so well and loved all the same things but she has massive anxiety and that always got in the way of things. I guess I just wasnt for her and we worked together too.. it was hard..
Then February came.. and thats where it all got real.. I lost my job.. got made redundant and 2 days later my Dad lost the battle against cancer and died.. In 3 months I lost the girl I was nuts about, my job and my Dad. Like wow man what did I do to deserve this?
Feelings crept up on me.. I felt lost and without hope. I feel like whatever I do works against me but then things finally started to turn around.. I found a job I truly enjoyed. It employed all of my skillset and it was challenging and it made me forget about everything. I was happyish.. for 2 months.
In July was a month that hit me hard too.. I was driving my beloved car.. my WRX.. the one thing I had left that gave me excitement and some dude with 3 days driving experience hit me from the side and wrote off my car.. I wasnt even allowed to have one thing that makes me happy.. not even a car.. and on that same day I made a horrible discovery when I got home.. on the 1/07 I had relations with a girl and when I got home after the accident which is 4 days later I found 3 white bumps on the bottom of my shaft.. it hurt too.. I thought I had herpes and looked online and found out that blood tests cant accurately detect antibodies for 4 months. So yep.. for 4 months I thought I had herpes and it shoved me down a spiral of horrible Health Anxiety and OCD.. which I didnt even know I had. Spoiler alert I tested clean but the mental damage it did was immense. I thought I had: lung cancer, throat cancer, kidney infection, testicular cancer and more. Just because of one little thing.
And.. my job.. the one good thing that happened this year I lose to redundancy. Literally got replaced by a computer. So yep. Idk if Im feeling depression but Im super down right now and feel hopeless. I feel like I cant get out of this hole Im in.. I feel useless. All I do is go to a job I dont enjoy because I need to support my loving mother and I come home.. do nothing of value for 2 hrs of freedom and sleep and repeat process. Wut?!!?!?
Im 27.. why is this my life? When I was younger I was having the time of my life and this is what I am at now.
Thanks for reading. :(
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self.offmychest
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Opened up to my dad A few days ago I talked to my dad and told him how I feel, how I find no joy in anything and some days I stay in bed and do literally nothing and cant bring myself to even eat anything.
While not having to hide it from him anymore is a relief, I also feel very guilty. He always tells me how he failed as a parent for not having noticed it sooner and called me lazy at times when I was having trouble studying. He has many issues himself (way bigger than mine, I would say), and I feel bad for putting more stress on him.
He has been surprisingly understanding and is trying to help me any way he can, calling me every day to check up on me (we used to talk maybe once a week). My dad used to be the type of guy to be extremely skeptical of everything, saying how mental health professionals are just there to sell you placebo treatments, but apparently over the last few years and probably suffering from depression himself, he has come to realise how real it all feels. He keeps telling me to go see a therapist, and does his best to reassure me that many people battle with depression and beat it, and I will too.
I know it's hard and wont solve everything magically, but opening up to people can be a big help. Please, if you have someone you trust, someone that values you, it's worth giving it a chance. People can be more supportive than you expect, and help you on the path to recovery.
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self.depression
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I feel like I have no value. Never had a job, no driver's license, no friends, overweight and feel hopeless. Basically the title. I'm 22 now and just feel hopeless and that I don't have any value in this world. A few years ago I was hopeful I would be in a better place, but hardly anything has changed.
I don't have any strong relationships or a support system. No friends either. For a long time I have felt different than other people and I'm suspecting that I might have high functioning autism. It makes a lot of sense to me and I would be very surprised if that was not the case.
I've been wanting to try therapy or medication, but the whole process seems daunting. How do I pick the right person? What if it's a waste of money? What if I feel worse or it just doesn't work for me? I know a lot of my worries are from anxiety, but they're legitimate questions.
I read stories of people who went to therapy or tried medication and it changed their entire life. Then there are people who try everything and don't feel better or feel worse overall. I'm worried this is just my life. I used to have dreams and want things, but now I feel like those things I wanted just aren't meant for me. Like a career, partner, friends, having fun experiences, or feeling attractive or good about myself.
It feels like I can't turn my life around. That it's just a downward spiral and I have to live with it. I've gotten used to feeling bad most of the time. I've already wasted my youth. I really feel hopeless. If I don't see any changes in this year I don't know that I can go on living this way.
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self.depression
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I feel like a waste of space. I have no idea which direction life is pulling me into, I'm going into debt and nothing I try to do makes me truly happy. It honestly feels like every time I try to something simple I just fuck it up. I haven't attempted or contemplated suicide but Its been looming in the back of my head. I really just want a fresh start because of how much bullshit I'm getting dragged through.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Prescribed Cymbalta + Zyprexa and I don't think it was the right choice From research I've been doing online, Cymbalta on its own doesn't do much to prevent depressive episodes from bipolar and Zyprexa is the devil, leading to massive weight gain and potential diabetes. I've been wondering why my psych didn't prescribe me any mood stabilizers like Lamictal or Depakote.
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self.bipolar
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I feel like I'm losing two close friends Just want to start this off by saying that this is extremely petty and uncharacteristic of me and it's totally understandable if you think this isn't worth anybody wasting their time on. I don't even know if everything is just in my head or if my suspicions are correct. All names have been changed btw.
I have two very close friends at my college, we're all sophomores, one is my best friend John and the other is a friend Jane who I've gotten very close with over the past year. They are also decently close friends between them, however I've noticed lots of hints, especially these past couple of weeks that they have been getting super close to each other, texting and hanging out a lot more i.e in a group situation they're always together. This has led to Jane quite significantly reducing how much she messages me (again in the span of like 2 weeks) and an equal if not greater increase in the interaction between John and Jane. Even the messages between John and me who are supposed to be best friends have decreased somewhat.
If they are both interested in each other, I should be feeling happy as these are both close friends of mine, however noticing how disposable I'm feeling even when they just seem to be flirting with each other makes me unable to bear the thought of them being in a relationship and having 2 good friendships turn into something superficial with me as the 3rd wheel. I wouldn't say I'm extremely attracted to Jane or that I'm hopelessly in love with her because I'm not, but spending a lot of time with her gets one thinking every now and then you know? And now with that avenue seemingly closing it just feels worse.
Even if they are not interested in each other, and are just becoming really close friends, I can't help but notice how easily John has become such a good friend with Jane and that I'm no longer the person she chats with daily. My friendship with Jane hasn't deteriorated with Jane in anyway, however it's pretty clear that she's now better friends with John. Again, it seems petty, but it really makes my self worth take a huge hit when you get so suddenly replaced, more so when you are replaced with your best friend.
I know that I'm not as great a communicator, friendly, charming and attractive person as John and I'm usually immediately put in the friendzone (usually for faults of my own that I won't expand on here), but seeing it live in action and having it unfold so damn quickly really fucking hurts. I have a history of my best friends leaving and eventually losing contact - always due to them moving away, not because we fought or anything - but the end result is the same where I'm down one friend.
John and I are really great mates but I can't help but notice that among our own friend circle, and people who we have made friends with in recent times, I can't think of a single person who prefers me over John as a friend as they get to know us better, which sucks for me because it makes me increasingly reliant on John. I really don't see this trend changing because if I make a new friend, inevitably, we'll all hang out together in our bigger friend circle, which I don't mind because I genuinely enjoy it, however it fucks my confidence up after when I realise that this seems to happen friend after friend.
I personally feel like I'm behaving like a very shitty friend by having these feelings, but i really can't get over it. For once I'd like to have a good friend that actually values me very highly and doesn't eventually prefer John after they meet, because it has happened a few times. It sucks that I may be thinking my friendship with John is changing ever so slightly because he is naturally sociable and like-able and nothing he has done so far has been out of malice towards me.
I can barely concentrate on my studies these past few days as this is all I'm thinking about and I can't help but feel that this is just the way shit will be and I'm not as like-able as I thought I was.
Edit: ok that was way longer than I thought it would be when I initially thought about writing this. This was great to get most of my feelings out and I really appreciate anyone who has stuck around and read the entirety.
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self.offmychest
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Someone help me make sense of this (talk of self harm and whatnot) So for as long as I can remember I’ve hated myself, self harmed, had thoughts/plans of suicide. Well about five years ago I started hurting myself via cutting and I was found out and taken to a hospital. And at the time I had a friend who also self harmed but neither one of us knew the other did it. My parents were good friends with the schools principal and he told them this which immediately led to them blaming her for corrupting me basically and no matter how many times I told them this wasn’t true they wouldn’t listen. So we’re in the hospital and my parents told the doctors this and I could tell they immediately took me/my case less serious and after a series of vague question (usually what are your grades, how clean is your room etc ) the doctor told my parents I was faking it for attention. I was put into therapy and starting out I had three therapists but over the course of a year I worked my way down to one. At the end of that year the last one was kicked off of my case. But throughout that year I still self harmed and have off and on ever since. Well now to the point ig, my mum has always told me that she cares/loves me but has done nothing to try and help me (outside of that therapy which she constantly told me was useless) I have gotten caught self harming multiple times but have never been taken to the hospital since the first time, I have told her that I feel suicidal and have been struggling with the urge to not hurt myself and I asked if I could go back to therapy. That was a month ago and she hasn’t said anything about it or even asked how I was doing. Then today I slept late because I didnt fall asleep until 7am and she was yelling at me for being lazy then told me that I’m depressed because I’m always sleeping or in my room, and then told someone else that when she didn’t know I could hear her. But there have also been times where she gets upset because I dont talk to her about stuff. I’m just wondering if someone can help me understand her thought process because I Have been trying to for years and can’t. Also sorry if this is super confusing. Thanks to anyone who try’s to help 😊
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self.depression
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One of the worst feelings One of the worst feelings is when you get an answer wrong and the teacher calls you out on it. The same applies in the workplace.
It just happened to me however the story is a bit different but still applies. I answered a question and she replied saying it was too broad and basically made the class agree with her. Although it doesn't seem like a big issue, it made my anxiety flare.
It's the first day of class and I now know to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the semester.
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self.Anxiety
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Has any of you found a job you can tolerate? I used to study to become a poker pro (big mistake), and that made my anxiety terrible. But then I found out about copywriting and decided to give it a go, and it was still too stressful for me; there was too much mental effort and the deadlines/being paid by the hour would cause severe anxiety.
I'm currently looking for any work I could do. Especially online or writing related, that would be merciful on my mental health. But I guess I might just have to suck it up eventually, or end up on the streets.
Just looking to hear your stories. Maybe some suggestions, too.
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self.depression
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Don’t know what to do. The last 2 years of my employment I have great admount of panic attacks, medications to help me. It was all due to my job, we had a verbally abuseive coworkers who was the bosses best friend. The first time he started to yell at me for no reason I took a serious panic attack and was taken off work for 3 days. Yesterday he called me yelling saying stuff that wAs not true and pretty much back me in a corner where I hung up the phone, started to have chest pains so I rushed to the hospital. They keepers me in and took me off medical leave for 1 week. I emailed thisnote to my employer and supervisor. 5 hours later he fired me, and put quit on notice.
I’m bloody screwed as my wife just got pregnant, and we have been trying for 8 years with help with doctor. I guess I just needed a place to write this and maby talk to someone :( sometimes I feel like giving up with a gun in my hand but my wife sleeping soundly next to me..
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self.Anxiety
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I cheated on my girlfriend I don't know why I did it. I don't know what was going through my head. I wasn't drunk and the relationship was going really well until a few days ago when I fucked it all up. All I deserve at this point is death. I want to take a cheese grater to my skin and bathe in boiling salt and lemon juice. I should've known going in that I'd fuck up eventually and here we are. I'm glad I haven't taken my pills in two weeks because now I have something to use when I decide to kill myself. I don't even know why I'm posting this, I don't know what else to do with myself. I just wish I could make it all better.
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self.offmychest
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Experience with having an episode after long stable streak and already on meds you like? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Social anxiety/ fear of annoying others? Hi, hope this is okay/ i've done this correctly!
I wanted to see if anyone else has similar experiences to me, and see how people cope with it?
So background: So I have quite bad social anxiety, and am currently trying to cope with this with a mixture of CBT and medication.
I've been dating my bf since beginning of 2018, and I'm so happy with him! I just very often get really overwhelming anxiety that i've done something wrong, or that he's annoyed at me. (completely unprompted/not caused by anything he's done)
And for me, this causes me to sometimes ask him 10/15 times a day if he's annoyed at me/ if i've done something wrong. He responds calmly always, and is very reassuring, but sometimes this doesn't help to lessen the feeling.
I just wanted to see if anyone else experiences anything similar, and ask how you cope with it? because i know over time it will start annoying my bf and really don't want that to happen!
I apologise if i've included something i'm not supposed to/omitted something important! Thank you :)
Edit: tysm to everyones who's replied! I've found your comments/insights really helpful!
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self.Anxiety
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why is it so hard to die? yesterday i tried to kill myself, hung myself twice in a row but there was always something wrong all i managed to do was bite myself and my whole body hurts but i didn't have the energy to try again. for Months i've been based on the fact that i wouldn't be alive this year i never even considered the fact that i might still be alive and i am so fucking desperate i don't know what to do, my mental health is going to be even worse now that i know i'm so useless i can't even kill myself right but i can't stay alive i can't i can't i can't i sure as hell don't want to and i am So lost i was supposed to die this wasn't supposed to happen , i can't live and apparently i can't even die i just need everything to stop but it WONT why is it so hard just please kill me
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm just out of options really, all I feel is intense sadness all the time, I hate myself I suck at everything, and my whole life has just been sadness, angst and loneliness. I think I have some kind of high functioning autism, and although I seem superficially normal, if you scratch away at the surface you'll notice theres something different about me. I've always tried to fit in, but I just can't, I genuinely feel so alone, and without exaggeration I feel like I don't belong to the human race. Every friendship I've managed to form has failed, despite trying insanely hard, I always seem to be the one nobody takes pictures of and the one that gets excluded from everything. I don't know why god put me on this earth, and I feel so worthless, I don't even want a pulse. I just wish my brain stopped sending electrical impulses to my heart, its only pumping more pain through my body. I try to play videogames to escape, but I'm worse than everyone else, when someone pops out, I get a fight and flight response and I can't move my thumbs with precision. I've always tried to pin my unhappiness to different things - I convinced myself I was ugly and attached everything to that, I convinced myself I had some sort of brain damage after smoking weed for a few months and that was why my life was unbearable, but the fact is, I just suck. I'm coming so close to deleting myself, because I seriously am a waste of space. Nobody can tell me I'm worth an ounce of love, because I'm not, and if I was, then why would I be the only one utterly devoid of it? I've never felt loved my entire life, and the only thing that can stop me from erasing my existence is the dream of one day meeting a beautiful asian girl and falling deeply in love. Looking at the almost 16 years of my life though, if I was capable of being loved, then I would have felt some by now. People just treat me like some kind of alien. My mum just gets on with her own life, getting drunk and having fun, and when I try to talk to her she just says "its just feelings they'll pass" and walks away. Nobody understands, and I wish I could express my pain through words, but it isn't something measurable. It's so deep inside my soul, like I've been dropped off into space and left to die. The only thing I'm good at is creative things, like coming up with ideas, plans and just generally producing things of that nature, but the world doesn't seem to care about that. I'm fed up, the pain won't stop, I've got a headache, my body isn't asking for food and water anymore. I just want to know *right now* if my life will ever reach a point where its worth the breaths of air, the beats of the heart, the pain. I want to prevail, obviously. I might give it another decade if I feel I can wait, but I tried to hang myself yesterday and realised there are better ways. I can't rummage through and conjure up any argument against getting a gram of heroin, some xanax, a bottle of Jack Daniels and disappearing forever
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self.SuicideWatch
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Some people don't take medication and that's ok, too [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I did it! My daughter is now 3 1/2, I live with my family, husband, daughter and mom in law. My mom is law is a total saint she’s absolutely amazing. These past few months I’ve been relying on her more than ever, my bipolar disorder has been acting up I’ve been cycling pretty rapidly. But today I feel great. Like almost normal-and since my husband and mom in law were hauling trash and random stuff to our county dump I took over taking care of my daughter.
I literally got her dressed for the day and got her lunch, and made sure she went to the bathroom, because she was leaving with my husband soon after that.
It may not seem like much but to me it’s the greatest thing in the world. She is a great kid, I’m trying to do more, and I’ll continue to do more as much as I can. I also have physical health issues so both sometimes I’m literally stuck on the couch in agony. I’m just so happy for the small victories right now!
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self.bipolar
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I'll never find love. I am going to combine opiates and alcohol and ending it tonight I am an ugly mother fucker. I am short, I am balding, I have fucked up teeth. To put it straight, I look like a straight up goblin.
What's fucked up is I have high standards. Not comically high, I am not going for super models. But I would really love to be dating an average girl, or even a cute one. But due to my subhuman genetics, that will never happen.
I am ending it tonight. No girl will ever date me. I wish I had the social skills back then (when I had more hair and better looks) that I do now, because I'd have at least 2-3 dates a month. Now, that will never happen. I am 28 and I look like I am 50.
Goodby everyone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I quit my job today I just started working there a couple weeks ago. Lately I've been too depressed to do anything and work was too stressful, I guess. No clue what I'm gonna tell my parents. I need the money so I can afford to go back to college.. But to be honest, I don't know if I even want to go back. It was too much for me anyway. Things have just been so bad lately, and I know that's all my fault. Maybe I'd be better off dead.
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self.depression
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Multiple plastic bags ... Is it possible to be "successful" if you use 3 garbage bags, tightly bound, each with its own binding or tape, so that IF you tear the first bag, you might not tear the second before becoming unconscious?
Also, can getting REALLY DRUNK first help with this?
What about adding in some sleeping pills, plus alcohol, plus 3 bags - and wait to "bag" until near the point of passing out from the alcohol and pills?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Suicide is NOT a selfish choice! I just need to rant about this, and I usually don't talk about suicide. I do everything in my power to not think about it. But at times I'm very, very suicidal.
In reality, dying is the last thing I want. But when my mental/life struggles turn into an existence worse than hell, suicide seems like the only option to escape the horrible and intense pain.
Nearly everyone I've been talking with always reply with something along these lines: "Don't do it! That's so selfish of you, how can you just leave your family, friends, job and dog down? To be honest.. you're just mean."
Why not give love and support? Don't get angry or blame a suicidal person, it's incredibly rude. Don't judge someone who is suicidal unless you've known and felt the ENTIRETY of their struggles.
Alright, so apparently I'm selfish and mean because I want to commit suicide? Of course, we all know that people who knew you would most likely be heartbroken. And again, I really don't want to die or do that to my family or friends.
I know I have all the potential in the world as someone who is only 18, but the suffering is just too much. I feel hopeless, completely broken and yes, suicidal(not always). Though of course, it goes mostly unnoticed by most the people in my life.
Why the actual fuck is a suicide/suicide attempt/suicide threats so "egoistic"? We're not talking about an individual "attempting" or threatening about it, though if you make it all up to get attention and it's just bullshit, then fuck you for making people doubt/disbelieve other people who are actually suicidal.
I don't believe suicide is selfish. First of all, it's technically a choice. But in most cases, it's intensely depressing. It's fucked up. It's a tradegy. No contempt or blame should be put on the person who had commited suicide.
Sure, you leave the people who love you behind and all, but if someone goes to the point where they actually wants to commit suicide, they're most likely suffering a LOT. People usually don't realize that you've been suffering that much before it's far too late, unfortunately.
If I'm threatening suicide, it's because I want others to know and be aware of it, and those usually hearing it is the ones that can help me. If I just go and die, without any letter or anything, I could. Nobody can stop someone who is 100% determined to kill themselves, and there's too many easy ways to end it.
*So I don't think suicide is a selfish choice. We didn't choose to be born either.*
**tl;dr: Please stop hating on people who's suicidal. Be friendly and give them love and support instead.**
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you deal with a broken heart while being depressed? Usually a broken heart is something that heals after some time but it just feels like depression makes it impossible.
It hurts like hell and it doesn't seem to get better.
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self.depression
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I'm afraid to talk to anyone about it because that will make it "real". I've been depressed and suicidal for a few years now, and I've done a pretty good job of hiding it. But I've been getting worse recently, to the point where it's having some serious impact on my ability to keep up the charade. I know I should tell someone about what I'm going through, but I don't want to have to face anyone and say it out loud. I just want to be done and gone, so I don't have to deal with any of it.
I guess part of my apprehension for opening up is because sometimes I feel like a phony, like I'm not really depressed, that I'm just lazy, or unmotivated, or undisciplined and am using this like an excuse, but if I tell someone about it, they'll see through that and call me out and then I'll be stuck being a failure without the "excuse" of depression.
I've started writing an email to my parents a few times now. How exactly do I go about telling my parents that a day counts as "good" if I don't think about killing myself? Or about the hours I've spent researching ways to kill myself painlessly or ways that won't leave a mess, because apparently I care more about a person having to scrub my blood off the floor than my own life.
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self.depression
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Hypnosis to treat anxiety Hey everyone! I struggled with anxiety for the past few years and have tried different things to help such as therapy and medication. I was recommended hypnosis so I booked in a session and gave it a shot. I saw some immediate progress and after a few more sessions I felt a lot better. It's not gone but I'm proud to say it's getting better.
I decided to make an app to make it more accessible to people who can't afford to go into a hypnotherapist, and ended up creating BetterMind (it's still very basic). All the content is free and I'd love to see how effective it works for you, and any feedback on it!
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self.Anxiety
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I've been passively suicidal for 6 months. At this point, it doesn't ever stop. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you stay functional? Like most everyone in this subreddit I suffer from depression I've been dealing with since I was a child now well into my 30's. In spite of it have able been able to get things done like graduating from college even after loosing someone I loved. It was one of the hardest things that I've ever done. However, these past few years have been really pushing my limits. I won't go into details but things are bad and I need to be learning new skills on the side as my job may not be as secure (thought I don't even like it). That way at least if I do lose my job I can be working in a different field.
I can't seem to be able to muster enough focus/energy to even get started. There were only 2-3 things that helped me to deal with my depression (non drug related) but now I can't seem to get any enjoyment out of them anymore. I have always felt that since I've dealt with depression for such a long time I would always find a way to function. This no longer the case and I'm at a crucial time where that weight I feel on my back can't be interfering with what I have to do. So to those of you out there on the same crappy boat how do you maintain enough function to get thru the things you have to do?
A little background on me: I have zero friends as the one or two I did have turned out weren't the people I thought they were. I take care of an elderly parent. I don't have the most stable life as I've had to move a lot. Thank you for any advice you might be able to provide.
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self.depression
|
Girlfriend left me today. Can't stop thinking about my last attempt My girlfriend just left me today. I realize the reason is valid. Though it hurts, I've improved a lot since my suicide attempt in September. I'm not feeling great but I found something interesting today. When I tried to kill myself I was listening to music. I woke up to one song in particular that made me think that I was actually dead and in hell. That the voice was the devil talking to me directly. This led me to call one of my parents to confirm if I was alive and ultimately saved my life. I went on a hunt for the song in hopes that it would scare me like it did then. Listening to the song now doesn't carry the crippling fear but the memories of my suicide have flooded back. I was pretty sedated when I cut open my arms and didn't feel any pain except when I severed the nerves to my fingers which felt like electricity through my hand. I do remember slopping off chunks of coagulated blood from my arm into the water. I haven't really thought about these things since my attempt. The memories hurt my head. I thought the constant reminder from the scars and the numbness in my hand was enough but this is a new level. I'm not sure if I'll be okay but I've come a long way since 3 months ago. Atleast if I end it now it will be with a clear head. Good luck to anyone dealing with these problems. If any suicide survivors have had similar experiences please DM me. Anyway, here is the song if anyone's interests.[song](https://youtu.be/6UosfX5u14g)
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self.SuicideWatch
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Life Just Gets Worse The Older You Get Is it just me or does life just seem to get more and more fucked the older you get? More responsibility, more financial problems, more health problems, you start to look like shit, U start losing people (weather they die or just arent in your life anymore) etc. Its just crazy bro. I legit thought my life was the worst it could possibly be in 6th grade. I thought the exact same in 7th and 8th. Now I wish I had the problems I had then vs the ones I had now. That shit was extremely miniscule compared to my life as a senior. I really wish I could just go back to the simpler times. Now all life is is a handful of health problems, shitty luck, boredom, loneliness, and despair. And whats funny about all this is that when Im in my 20s (unless I actually have a decent life at this time) I'll be wishing I was in this exact spot and so on and so on . I truly don't get it. I'm really convinced that life is a curse tbh. 2017 was the most fucked year of my life and 2018 so far has been bitter sweet, but Im still on edge. Today started off decent and ended horribly. But that's usually most days for me tbh. I go to school put on a happy face/ facade and then as soon as Im in the crib Im alone and miserable. I gave up hope on shit getting better. I try to change and put forth effort only for it to not mean a damn thing.
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self.depression
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I won't start a new year I can't finish. I have no family to speak of, I have no friends or neighbors and I'm tired of being alone. This isn't a reach for help or a cry of desperation, This is just a wasted life saying goodbye to you stranger's because she has no-one else to tell. Goodbye.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Just did something really gay So I've been paranoid about my dick size for a while, never measured it right always had measurements way off, like when I used string I would measure up to like 6.75, using a straight ruler I'm around 6 if I have it pressed against the bone. Girth is around 5.5-6 when I measure and I never get the same measure twice so I'm doing something wrong.
Anyway I still didn't know if that was big or small so I grabbed a pen that was close to 6 inches, and wrapped it in paper towel until it was about my girth. Well here is where it gets a lil gay; I put it on my desk and tried to deep throat it and see how far I could go, I got almost the whole thing in, and then I wondered how long my thrust would be, so I held the pen wrapped paper towel dildo to my pelvis, and pretended it was my erect dick, and I fucked a paper towel roll. I was banging away trying different rhythms and shit and then I looked over and saw my shadow and realized how fucking stupid and weird this was so I stopped.
I don't know why I am the way I am.
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self.offmychest
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I just need to vent dammit I feel so weird and yucky. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of feeling crappy. I'm tired of being a recluse. I'm tired of feeling so damn confused. I don't understand my family. I live with parents and siblings, but I still feel empty. I have people around me, but I feel empty. And confused. Didn't they notice how depressed I got? How skinny I got? etc. I'm feeling like I have a dysfunctional family and didn't even realize it. But maybe I'm just projecting. I've also lived a lie the past few years. Ignoring my passions and just doing too much shit I do not care about! I feel like society tries to fit us into a boring mold & I don't fit anywhere. I want to be free and do what I want. Fuck college. These classes are boring as hell. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I'm 25 now. Where did the time go? I look and feel so damn old and sick and disgusting. And God the pain of feeling like I have no one who understands me. I need to support myself get a job and get my own place. Maybe I'd feel less lonely if I lived alone. Even though I don't want to be alone. I want to find people like me. My family doesn't understand me or share my interests. But how the fuck do I find people like me when I don't even know who I am anymore? I'm a shell of a human, pathetic, living a torturous lie. All my passions ignored so I could try to live a "normal" "safe" life. Fuck that. There's some term called "cognitive dissonance" and I think I've been experiencing it for a couple years now. And I'm also angry/sad because I see that NO ONE is going to rescue me. I have to somehow rescue myself but all I've done the past several years is HATE myself. I learned how to hate myself, ignore my feelings, and feel like a fraud and loser. And never ask for help because I'm somehow weird and different from other people. I feel so empty in life I try to do stuff just for the sake of doing something & I still feel like crap. I don't know how to feel happy. I feel happy if I disconnect from the outer world, live in a fairytale in my brain and ignore my problems and people around me, but that obviously causes conflict.
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self.depression
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Video games aren't fun anymore Help I need some new coping mechanism. What do you do? I've lost all interest in everything
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self.depression
|
Being alone Compared to other threads on here it's not the worst but idk what other board this belongs to.
Every night is same, end by myself having to go out my way to talk to anyone on a computer screen or like Skype or discord if I'm lucky.
I know few people through work my age kinda (I'm 20). Went to boarding school other side of the country and didn't go to college where I live now.
When I meet people I'm friendly swear never too full on or shallow. But just feel I'm basically forgotten after I leave.
In groups I feel like I'm outcast, I end up dropping back because hate trying to get near whoever leading the group and attention whoring.
No one goes out their way for me, asks how I am or says hi it's always me doing that so I gave up in the end.
I don't get why seems like just me that can't fit in anywhere but yet I can mingle with any group and not belong.
Like I died tomorrow only few people who aren't family would actually care. And it's eating away at me and hate it but don't know what to do.
TLDR; how to stop being alone or letting it get to you at least. How to find friends that care about you and don't forget you exist.
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self.depression
|
This has been discussed before but I don’t remember the consensus. Thoughts on being on birth control while also being bipolar?
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self.bipolar
|
[Serious] How to deal with someone with bipolar syndrom Hello,
Reading blogs doesn't feel convincing for me and I wanted to ask you guys regarding this topic. My sister has been diagnosed about 1 year ago and it has taken a severe toll in her life (and my families as well). Without going too much into detail into her personal life, how do I talk to her? She does not realize how bad the situation is because of the illness so she is not doing anything about it and ignoring her psychiatrists and psychologists recommendations.
How do I talk to her? What things should I avoid saying? Please, I am desperate and any help would mean the world to me.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm going to keep pushing to imporve and gain a better mental health. This was orginally going to be a post about how everything was going to change. How life was all of a sudde going to be amazing. I've made a few off these posts before and honestly no mather how determined I felt I would allways feel down. The problem seems to be that I keep thinking you can change you're life in a day or two. This is not the case when you're dealing with mental health. This is an issue for me. I have clinicly poor mental health. I've allways struggled with this.
What I've decided is not to give up hope. Not give up hope that I can be happier. That my depression with easen up and I will become more appease with my life. Accept that not everything is perfect or rainbows and unicorns. I will fight for me. Not for anyone else, but for me. I realy just needed to get this off my chest.
Thank you for reading! Unless you skipped to this point, then still thank you for trying!
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self.offmychest
|
How do I stop being scared to kill my self?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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