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What are your favorite movies/TV shows/books involving bipolar disorder? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I'm still here. Daily suicidal thoughts for over a year. Staying feels like the right thing to do. Going often seems like the rational thing to do. It feels weird to be here. Not sure why I am, really. My troubles are 100% financial, but my financial troubles are the result of who I am as a person. To me, there is nothing worse than a "job". Shifts, supervisors, co-workers, not being in full control of where I go and when I go there, performance reviews, doing work I am not passionate about or I can't be proud of, and worst of all, being away from my wife and daughter all day. This is my idea of hell. I know it's ridiculous. The thing I fear most is the thing most people are grateful to have. I am not a lazy person, I have worked myself nearly to death trying to make a career in music work out but I failed to achieve even what I thought was my lowest possible level of success (which would have been full-time local radio jingle writer, my top level goal was Film Composer, Producer, and or songwriter). I have failed at everything I've ever tried. I'm stating that not as a "poor me" statement, but as a fact. I have hated every job I've ever had and I have either been fired or quit just before being fired from every job I've ever had. For a year I've been studying coding, but while it somewhat makes sense in theory to me, I don't understand the application at all. I've been studying Web Development which I understand a bit better, but I can't imagine I could ever compete in that field. Graphic design is fairly appealing but, once again, I don't know how I could ever compete, get a job, or keep a job. I am stuck in a hyper-conservative city I hate, in a country that's being consumed by hate, led by a president who is the embodiment of hate. In my life I've been good at 3 things: Creative "stuff" (Music, Photography, Acting...all the stuff you would use to denote a lazy dreamer if you were a cliche screenwriter), being a good husband, and being a good father, but all three of those have suffered as financial burdens have consumed me, and now, every day for a year now I have had to actively convince myself that the scars my suicide would leave would be more damaging to my wife and daughter than living with a depressed failed musician who can't keep a job. I have seen a therapist, it was nice to talk but didn't really change anything. I can't stand the way the medications affect me, especially when I know I am not suffering from clinical depression, I am suffering depression which spawns from an accurate assessment of my personal value, and a realistic idea of what my future holds. I love my wife and daughter. They alone prove I'm actually the luckiest person alive, but I can't help but feel how unfortunate they are to have me a man of the house who cannot provide for them. I stay for them, but I don't know what I can do for them. Somedays I survive entirely on unrealistic hope. I tell myself "Somethings going to change, you're gonna find a cool, creative, laid back job with nice people, maybe even one where you're working for a cause you believe in, a job that pays good money--live in a good school district and eventually buy a house someday money-- in a great, safe, friendly, progressive community, maybe on one of the coasts, or in Europe somewhere." but I know that that is basically no one's reality anymore. The reality is I feel like there is no escape from a life in which the only joy I ever feel will be squeezed in between the end of my shift and my kid's bedtime, and will always be overshadowed by the knowledge that my shortcomings as a provider are negatively impacting her future as well.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
i have something called post orgasmic illness syndrome and i really want to die it has made my life miserable please let me go nobody cares about me i feel like everbody secretly hates me i am walking fucking disaster i really wanna die asquerading as a normal person, day after day, is just exhausting. YEAH I CRY ALL NIGHT I AM GONNA not apologize for crying. Without this emotion, I AM JUST robot
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It feels like no one actually wants to be my friend Maybe they've caught on to the fact that I'm broken inside and just want someone to talk to, but they always ignore that last part and probably only talk to me out of sympathy. Honestly what do I have to do to find someone who actually gives a damn about me?
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self.depression
|
i’m just so tired i’ve tried to kill my self 3 times before. the first i tried to just take all the pills in the cabinet but i threw everything up. the second i tried to stab myself to let myself bleed to death but i was too scared. the third i was trying to hang myself but the rope snapped.
i’ve lived with deep depression for as long as i can remember. i’m 20 now. i’ve let it get in the way of everything. i graduated high school with a 2.9 GPA. i failed 3 semesters of college at two different schools. i’ve never had a job. i’m just a waste of resources. i don’t have any marketable skills, no certifications. i’m worthless. my girlfriend and friends remind me that i’m “good at music” but how the fuck is my shitty guitar playing and even fucking shittier singing going to help me pay for anything? music isn’t even about talent it’s about who you know. i’d go nowhere with it. i hate myself more after i play guitar. i never make progress. im perpetually shitty. im just a despicable, talentless, unproductive piece of shit. my girlfriend tells me i’m the kindest and most selfless person she knows but i can’t see a single fucking example of that. i can’t hold a conversation unless i’m talking about myself. i can’t help anyone else when they’re having a rough time. i just want my life to stop so i can stop wasting everyone’s time and money. oh god the money my parents waste keeping me alive. i wish i had the guts to actually work on killing my self sooner. so they wouldn’t have had to waste so much raising a deadbeat literally good for nothing piece of shit son. i’m so tired of going through the days. i’m so tired of resisting the urge to throw my head at a fucking blade or to overdose again or to jump off a bridge or to crash into a tree. it’s so exhausting. i just want it to be over with. i just want everything to end.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
smashed my phone. hurt myself. sick of this shit. Everyday stresses or problems with clients have caused me to run into the red, and now slight things set me off. Pacing around the room waiting for my antipsychotics to kick in. Hate this.
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self.bipolar
|
Any Bipolar Teachers? I am in my senior year before my credential at a decent school that cranks out some of the best teachers in my country. I just hit a mixed episode. This is my first "fall season" episode (mine almost always hit Christmas, or July when school is out), and I'm struggling to function and be "normal" during the day.
I'm able to pull a decent face and fake it, but my productivity, confidence, enthusiasm, and compassion are so obviously low. It's making me question a future I have wanted for most of my life, and making me fear life after school. I'm terrified I'll be a bad teacher because of it.
I'm medicated and am still trying to find a therapist I can afford (college, no insurance or salary). I guess I'm trying to find hope that teaching is viable. I love kids, passionate as hell about my subject, and want to give back. I have everything it takes until I hit something like this episode, this heavy.
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self.bipolar
|
never be a girl can't get hrt, father is opposed, been transgender mtf for a long time but I cannot progress any further without hrt. I can afford it, but being I am not 18, I must have both guardians permission to go in hrt. I'll never be a girl, by the time I'm 18 it will be too late. I cannot stand another second in my body, cannot stand another second around my emotionally abusive dad, can't spend another second in my body. can't spend another second in my body,
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self.SuicideWatch
|
This weather just triggers it Now, I know I have played before about having a traumatic injury occur in inclement weather, and how with the season for snow and ice returning, it has made my anxiety rise even more. But, tonight, I actually had to walk across a parking lot with snow, visible ice and black ice and I will tell you, it has left me in full blown panic mode! I’m trying to calm down and tell myself I’m okay that nothing happened, but “this time,” somehow keeps following that sentence...
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self.Anxiety
|
Bit of rant I guess I don’t even know where to begin.
I feel as if I’ve been just a mere passive observer in recent years. I genuinely think I had a good life-at least for me-supporting and loving family, close group of friends, interests, and hobbies. But since the past several years I’ve been slowly losing grip on all the things I cherished. I think I have been apathetic for a good portion of my life, I started to not care about anything. The things that excited me; sports, games, books, and movies were all stories of the past. Sure, I still do them but I don’t do it because I want to; but because I need to as it has been the only suitable distraction from my shitty reality.
And then I met her. I have never tried and never will reach out to anyone as I did with her. I know this sounds cliché and cheesy but, she really made me feel something. She actually had interest in someone who couldn’t care less about anything, pessimistic, and constantly brooding. She reached out to me whenever I needed it most. I could confide in her. I could trust her with my life. When I told her about how I felt about her and when she told me the feeling was mutual-something more than just friends- I lost my mind. I panicked and shut her off out of my life. At the time I thought that if I mess it up I would lose a great friend. As well as that I don’t have the greatest history with exes because I always end up fucking things up. So I stopped seeing her, talking to her, texting her.
That was a couple of months ago. Now we’re in different places both physically and emotionally. A couple weeks ago, I started to right the wrongs in my life because I figured if I’m leaving this world I should at least make one last good impression. So, I reached out to her. And of course, she did not welcome me. I don’t blame her. She has every right to.
My life was already spiraling out of control but it has gotten worse ever since. What little plans I had for my life is getting further and further away from me, grades are hitting rock bottom, pushing away friends. Drinking alone everyday- not even getting out of bed half the time. Getting more and more frequent suicidal thoughts. At least where I'm at right now, none of my closest friends and family can see me like this. I’m too tired to put a façade to greet people and appear happy.
It hurts so much. I hate myself for ruining something that meant so much to me. I don’t think I can carry on. I miss her I really do. I don’t think I’ve ever missed or loved someone as much as her in my entire life. I have and always will. The situation with her completely removed my will to go on.
But I can’t end it as much I want to. It's the sole thing keeps me up at night. As much as it hurts, its the closest reminder of caring about something before I became so apathetic and depressive. I just, I don’t know anymore. I'm so sick of me ruining everything for myself. And I'm now here at home, greeting family and friends trying desperately not raise any alarms. I honestly don't know how long I can maintain this façade at this point.
Sorry this has been very long. I don’t know where to go to talk about this. Thanks
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self.depression
|
Got 16 hours of sleep. Best sleep of my life. My parents didn't wake me up or anything, which I was pretty suprised about. This was the best sleep I have had in years, if not ever. I had like 4 or 5 different dreams. They had people I knew in them, some which I haven't thought of in years. For once, I feel like I have truly rehabilitated myself.
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self.depression
|
it feels better to know ppl feel the same way i do ive come to feel so alone. i never could find anyone who feels the same way i do. but im happy i found this sub reddit because everybody understands. for me the only thing that understands and helps is usually drugs. my addiction has pushed me to the edge. ive been to psych wards to rehabs but nothing helps. having people to talk to is so amazing. my hands stop shaking and im not thinking about the pills i need all the time. thanks to everybody on here for sharing and being so understanding and loving.
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self.depression
|
Anyone feel like they have nothing and nobody? That’s me. I literally don’t have anyone that I can talk to. I feel so alone. There are many nights where I cry myself to sleep or pop a few sleeping pills just to get sleep. I keep all of my feelings bottled up. It fucking sucks. I just go through every day feeling like I’m carrying a huge weight of hurt and like I have no purpose at all. I tried therapy. Didn’t help. Tried making friends also but my anxiety gets in the way every time. I get jealous of other people’s happiness because I wish I could be happy too. I’m so anxious to post this but I need to get this off of my chest. Not looking for pity. I just feel like giving up. That’s all I guess.
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self.depression
|
Guests for thanksgiving, house is a wreck, anxiety coming in strong Due to my depression I have little motivation to even get out of bed and since my husband works I don't really have to. He's currently away for work and will be for another few months. He usually helps me function and motivates me.
My dad, stepmom and step brother are coming over. Thankfully we aren't doing a big dinner and are just doing a big breakfast but they live 3 hours away so they will be staying all day. My dad has always been a neat freak and always said to me "since you don't work there's no reason that that house isn't spotless all the time". So I'm really freaking out.
I stayed up all night cleaning and have barely put a dent in it. I texted him to let him know about how I haven't been doing well and to please not be disappointed in me. He said it's fine but I know it won't be. Also my step brother is 13 (aka tactless and uncouth) so I feel like he'll say something and not think anything of it.
Anyone have any ideas, helpful tips on dealing with the mess (both dirt and clutter) or dealing with being looked down upon all day? Maybe some "I've been there before" stories or kind words?
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self.depression
|
I’m being abused. I need help with an abusive situation.
To start off, my father is legally insane. He’s severely bipolar and goes on psychotic rampages every few years. He currently has three felonies hanging over his head, if it wasn’t for his mental disease he’d spend the rest of his pathetic life in prison.
When he’s not going through a manic episode, he spends his days laying around on his ass, doing absolutely nothing at all. He makes me do everything for him, from mowing the lawn to cooking dinner and vacuuming. My father doesn’t have a job, and my mom assumes that it’s him that’s doing all of the work around the house. (My mom now knows that it’s me that does the work around the house, she doesn’t care and in fact gave me MORE work to do) He gets praised for it, while I have to pick his feet up to clean under them.
My mom is only slightly better. She’s not diagnosed as anything, but she frequently throws fits of anger where she slams drawers, punches walls, throws plates/utensils, and just won’t stop yelling.
Keep in mind this is all directed at me. My parents expect me to be completely in charge of the house. I’m 15 years old. I have three brothers, two of which are over 18 and still live at home. They do nothing around the house, unless you consider doing xanax and smoking pot a chore.
I’m literally forced to do everything. I sometimes stay up until 1AM or later doing laundry or washing dishes.
I no longer have time for schoolwork, yet I’m expected to maintain an A average. I end up with horrible grades. My teachers are well aware of my situation, and some give me extra credit for “getting through today”. I have no friends because I don’t have enough time after school to do anything, and at school I’m to anxious to speak because that’s how I’ve been conditioned at home.
My parents even refuse to take me to my psychiatrist, my therapist, and they don’t refill my medication. I have bipolar II, ADD, GAD, insomnia, and several physical problems. Clearly, there’s something wrong with me. I ride my bike for up to 35 miles one way just to get the help I need. And next year I might be completely off my medication altogether. We “reached” our out of pocket maximum this year, which made my medication and appointments free.
This is just me going off on several tangents at this point, so I’m just going to cut it off.
But I really have no idea what to fucking do, I have nowhere to go, and DCF(CPS) would only make things worse.
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self.depression
|
Fears are worth facing! So today I have to fly all by myself. Panic disorder has made traveling tough in the past and today is my first time EVER traveling through an airport alone. I’m usually totally fine once I get past security, but when I have to wait in the long lines for security, I usually immediately start panicking. I always think what if I have a panic attack and cannot escape the line. Not today, though! I’m not gonna lie, my hands started sweating and I got a little hot, but I didn’t full blown panic. I was feeling slightly uncomfortable when an older woman behind me started making conversation. It was nothing special, but it made me feel much more relaxed, like I had a friend with me. Now I’m sitting at the gate all alone and feeling so much more optimistic about my travels. In a way I’m grateful for anxiety, it’s pushed me to face my fears, become more independent, and accept that it’s okay to ask for help.
Moral of the story - FACE YOUR FREAKING FEARS! The sense of accomplishment afterwards is what will continue to propel us into recovery! Love y’all. You’re the best community to be apart of!
Also shout out to Zoloft. I started 5 weeks ago and haven’t had a panic attack since. Sure I’ve felt anxious at times, but not that sense of dread and losing control.
As Joe Dirt would say “keep on, keepin on!” ❤️❤️
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self.Anxiety
|
I am more than these anxious feelings...just not today. Job interview today. A summer job. One that mostly high school kids do...I’m 25. I look in the mirror before I leave. It’s as good as it’s going to get. Which is not great. I am disgusting.
I walk in to find that I went to high school with the program director interviewing me. We took the same classes. Graduated the same year. He is a teacher now. I am a failure.
My anxiety takes charge. It’s always in charge. It’s a boss that doesn’t give any vacation days, but tons of overtime. I stutter over words. My answers suck. It lasts ten minutes. I am a waste of time.
I take a 20 minute drive and sob all the way home. I just want to catch a break. (With my luck, I’m more likely to break my arm or leg.) I am hopeless.
I pass my sister’s beautiful lake house on the way back. She’s happy inside, with two kids and enough money to keep her from working a day in her life. I work two jobs and it’s not enough. It’s never enough. I’m never enough. I am the family screw-up.
I briefly consider crashing my car into a tree. The only thing that stops me is fear of inconveniencing anyone that has to pick up the mess. I am a disaster.
I want to reach out to my closest friend, my only real friend, but I can’t. He cut off all contact last week when I said I didn’t want to be more than that. I am a bitch.
I want to reach out to the guy I’m currently seeing, but he hasn’t bothered all weekend, so I hesitate. And I hurt. I care too much, too soon, every time. I am annoying, needy, and clingy.
I consider not going to work tomorrow, the next day, or the day after. I know I have to. The kids would ask questions. I can’t be another person to walk out of their lives. But I just want to sleep. I am selfish.
I am tired. I am lonely. I am worried. I am sad. I am pathetic. I am jealous and bitter and heartbroken and angry and terrified and ashamed.
I am trying so hard to be more than my broken mind, to be better. But I am just a human being. And one day, that will be enough. Today, though...today I am struggling.
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self.Anxiety
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I need advice. My folks are visiting tomorrow and I'm stressed the f out.
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self.bipolar
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FEARLESS FRIDAYS MEGA THREAD. Here we discuss embarrassing stories, funny stories, WTF stories, and everything in between. Need to get something off your chest? Here's the place to do it. Not yet diagnosed and want to ask a question? Feel free to do it here. Pretty much anything goes in Fearless Fridays
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self.bipolar
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I am become floor So, I turned 30 this year and I feel like I am way past struggling at this point. I often imagine killing myself, but, as of now, I'm still too chickenshit and don't want to be "that guy who killed himself in the end" to the people I know.
Apparently I carried around my depression for most of my life, before any diagnosis it used to manifest itself just as lazyness and insecurity with the occasional nervous breakdown. Later I started experimenting with various sorts of drugs, drank too much and too often, surprisingly this didn't help either. I still managed, somehow, to pull myself through school and started studying at a university, but it didn't take too long (one, maybe two years) for me to completely lose interest in the subject. Around that time, five years ago or so, I had my first "official" major depressive episode. I stopped going out, locked myself in my room with the blinds down and spent a week in darkness, waking up to despair and hopelessness and going to sleep again. I left the room pretty much only to go to the toilet or to buy food, all the while avoiding flatmates and social contact in general. Somehow I managed to work up the courage and energy to seek help and started medication and (cognitive-behavioural) therapy. It seemed to work better than expected, I picked myself up off the floor, started making what felt like real changes to my life, had a really fulfilling (soulmate-y) relationship, and even became somewhat socially competent. Boy, was I in for a surprise.
A year or so later my depression returned, big time. The previous episode felt like a joke in comparison. I started fucking up my life, and before I knew I fucked up myself back into a corner, and then some. Girlfriend couldn't handle it, many friends couldn't handle it and I, emotionally stunted and paralysed once more, couldn't handle either of them, much less myself. Not to mention my shitty B.A. degree. Before long I found myself being sucked back into the sad, soul-crushing life of my alcoholic parents, too. Just when I thought I started coming to grips with the shitty turns my life had taken my mom narrowly escaped death during an operation and was put into a coma. When she finally woke up after more than a month, it seemed that what little of her "spirit" was left in her - after years of alcohol abuse - had disappeared completely, leaving her confused and emptily continuing her habits, which by this point is just drinking and apparently taking care of my dying, elderly stepdad. I desperately try to break off contact, but never quite completely manage to go through with it, despite not even recognising her anymore. After several more psychotic breakdowns I gave up the job I grew to hate, and checked myself into a psychiatric clinic earlier this year. There, I learned exactly two things: **a)** supposedly, I have what is called "mixed personality disorder", a huge upgrade from my previously diagnosed dysthymia and **b)** I should lower my expectations (pretty much in general).
Ironically, I wasn't exactly satisfied with the results, so I went into treatment in another clinic. Due to the previous treatment I was released too early, too soon to take effect, really. All the while I've tried many different medications, anti-depressants and anti-psychotics alike, none of which had any of the desired effects while still providing most of the unwanted side-effects. Nowadays, 95% of my thoughts revolve around existential fears, my (nonexistent) future career, the loss of most of my close friendships, the loss of several romantic partners, the impending death of me and everyone I know.
But most of all I despair about the loss of what I can only describe as my personal life narrative, it being the sum of ideals, tenets and/or life goals which in turn represented the foundation of my identity and gave me hope. I've managed to subconsciously or impulsively undermine, break or derail most of these in various ways. In turn, my hypocrisy has become unbearable even for me and I don't know who or what I am anymore, besides this useless, anxious piece of shit meat-suit. All hope for any form of catharsis has become painfully deceptive and cynical, remnants of it seem as absurd to me as expecting to draw a much-needed card during a dice game. Having written all this, I still don't know what I'm trying to say, I guess I'm wondering how or why to pull oneself up off the floor when one fell down far too many times. That, and maybe I needed to share. Sorry for the wall of text, cheers.
/Edit: The combined powers of my phone and me are no match for proper formatting.
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self.depression
|
I keep buying things online and the 5-7 days until arrival is keeping me from not killing myself. Anyone else do things like this? Not just with buying things, but with planning, so you're held more accountable for things like work where you have to show up? I've come down with a cold and I'm going to go to work because if I don't go, I will sit at home and look for reasons not to kill myself on the internet.
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self.depression
|
I had no idea that a unrequited love could break someone this much. It has been 6 months since I told him how I felt. After months of wonderful dates, sex and affection from him, I decided it was time to tell him. I was rejected once. Twice. I've lost count. I've tried to move on. I can't. I can't hurt other people because they're not who I want, neither because they're not useful to make me feel better. I've killed hope every single day, knowing he would never like me back. I know he's a bad person, he always knew everything, he knew how I felt, yet things kept going forward. It has consumed me inside. It's consuming me inside. We're still friends but it still hurts like hell every single day, he talks to me about the guys he has sex with. It hurts. He talks about how many guys he used to have sex with while he was having with me.
It hurts as fuck. Knowing he was never sincere and honest to me, that he would never ask me if I was okay with that. Everything would've been much better if he did. But he didn't. Instead, we kept having sex, we kept cuddling, I kept lying to myself, I've been hurting for months, I almost caught a STD from him and I'm failing at life.
Instead, I spend all my days in bed. I don't feel like coming out, if I do, I have anxiety attacks. I've never been this down, I can't leave my bed, I'm failing most of my classes and projects, I don't live with my parents and they've no idea how I'm doing, they're giving me as much as they can, they're paying my college, they're paying the room I'm living in, they gave me a car at my birthday, yet, I haven't felt happy in months, because all I feel is pain from this one guy, this one friend.
We still talk everyday. He tries his best to make me leave the bed, he tries is best to cheer me up, but in the end of the day, I know it's his existence that's making me fall everytime I feel better. I can't get over him, but I don't want to leave him. I know I will fall even deeper into depression. I know I will be alone. I know he will be sad, and I'll miss him.
All my friends hate him.
I feel total shit.
Yet I love him.
But I can't avoid him, we're neighbours, we go to the same college, at this point we're a part of each other's everyday.
I want him to be happy, with whoever he wants. But I want him to be with me.
Sometimes I feel better.
And then I see him or go out with him. And I feel down again.
I know what I've to do, but I just can't do it.
Unrequited love is the biggest pain I've ever felt.
Hope is the biggest liar out there.
Wherever I go, he's there. Himself. Our memories.
I try to make this friendship worth it, but I can't.
I don't know what to do anymore.
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self.depression
|
I️’m at a loss in life and I’m done. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
This happened a while ago. So I was eating gum, and I always have trouble asking for a trash can for the gum. So I noticed they had food at the party, and I had a chip and dipped it into salsa. And I ate the chip and swallowed it with the gum. It was the the worst taste ever! Imagine mint and salsa.
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self.Anxiety
|
When the euphoric moments die off I've been feeling really good the past two days. Mostly because I've just been so distracted with school, my job, 2 new kittens along with my two cats, cleaning, etc. All the business and excitement of new kittens kinda brought on this euphoric state for me.
Then I send my SO a message about how I'm feeling good, and good about us. Etc. and he didn't respond. He usually responds on his lunch breaks but he ignored it this time. It only bothered me because I felt like it was taken negatively. When I asked him if he was mad about it, he said no. And just said he was being lazy to respond. Which is fine. But then it kinda reminded me that my SO isn't good with peoples feelings. Like he doesn't know how to talk or deal with them in a way. Not saying he's a jerk and just disregards them, I'm just saying I don't think his family taught him how to understand others feelings or something.
So that just made the euphoric state plummet. Now he's mad at me for "overcomplicating" it. I fucking hate major depression and anxiety.
Fuck this shit.
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self.depression
|
May become homeless and get kicked out of school I don't even know what to say about this. I moved to states with my ex girlfriend to attend the same university with her. I've always been attached to my family but being with my ex girlfriend filled that void. I recently broke up with her because I relationship was toxic. I made the right choice but it felt wrong and I felt lonely. I fell behind on my school work and now I may lose the job that allows me to live on campus. I broke up with her two months ago was only recently able to land an appointment with my schools free psychological services. I feel disappointed at myself but don't want to destroy myself either..
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self.depression
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Let it get on top of me, a late assignment I haven't started and quit my job [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Cynical, sarcastic assholes are the worst kind of people. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Scared of Failure. Tomorrow, I am taking my HESI exam. Which is basically 3 separate tests that you have to make an 80% or above on all 3 to even apply for the Registered Nursing Program. If I don't pass this, I will have to wait one more fucking year to even attempt to take it again. I know one year isn't much but the program is essentially 2.5 years. If I fail I could almost be halfway done with it by then.
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self.offmychest
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Does your heart have to race with anxiety? Don't get me wrong, sometimes my heart races when I am having anxious thought patterns. However, I feel like most of the time I feel so many other anxiety symptoms (including anxious thoughts) without my heart racing, then I even doubt if I'm having anxiety or if it's something else. Also, can I experience physical anxiety symptoms without necessarily feeling anxious?
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self.Anxiety
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I just went to the therapist today and she really changed my perspective Long story short, I was hurt that someone I defended (I overlooked alot of his negative characteristics), spent time with, believed in, and trusted has drifted away. It hurt because I loved him. The time we spent texting, supporting and encouraging each other... as this person has now found other people to shower him with attention, has since ignored my messages under the pretence of being "busy" and "disliking long walls of text". He thinks my texts are "too intense", so he can't be bothered replying, and I need to stop overreacting to anything. If he read this post now, he would think I'm being dramatic. The reality though, is that he has always been extremely apathetic, what has changed is that he's directing that towards our friendship because it's now dispensable.
I visited my therapist and she said, "you're grieving". "You're grieving because that great friend you knew, it's as if he died. People tend to have an image of someone that lasts through time, you think he looks like this, but he is no longer that person. You're grieving because he 'died'. And that is completely normal, you can always think of him as your good friend at one point in time, just not right now".
I cried really hard after that. Just hearing that really changed my entire perspective on the situation. By the end of the session, I felt proper closure. This great friend I used to know, his flaws are so evident -- he shit talks others to boost his own self esteem. Once, he literally walked a dog in the city, and the first thing he told me was "I got so much attention from it". He went to Japan for a month (got laid twice) and literally wants to move there because "girls dig me in Japan". If that doesn't tell you what kind of guy he is, I don't know what will.
My takeaway was that I can't be around people who do not appreciate me, and who use me when they need the attention but fail to reciprocate when I need them as a friend.
I no longer worry about his flaws because I know his future friends and gfs will pick up on it. I no longer want to be an active member in his life. I chose to see the good in him, but I know that unfortunately, he is not a man of character, and I've given him the benefit of the doubt long enough.
Anyone with relatable experiences?
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self.offmychest
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I am fucking up everything in my life, with no idea how to change [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Im done Anyone knows what pills i should buy to die during my sleep and never wake up? Im sooo done. I just dont want to wake up anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Wellbutrin (Bupropion) and Anxiety I have been taking 300mg of Wellbutrin for about 2 and a half years now but in the past few months (about 6) I have been experiencing anxiety like never before in my life. I don't take any other medications so I'm wondering if anyone has had experiences with Wellbutrin worsening their anxiety. I have read that it is a legitimate possibility but it's weird to me that it's only started in the past few months.
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self.depression
|
Some birthday thoughts (changed title to be more relevant)
I just turned 24. With this illness you dont really feel like everyone else feels at 24 (or whatever age) because you've already shipwrecked on hell island countless times, chances are you've been one with the creator and infinity, you've been reborn, you've ego death'd, etc.
I know I'm still young and shit, but I dont feel like it.
Anyway. For the past few months Ive been saying to others that I'm 24 (not being deceitful, just rounding up..) so that it will come to pass without me feeling the shock wave of "oh shit I'm this arbitrary age and I havent accomplished these arbitrary exploits. And it did.
I feel elevated, like a notch above euthymic. I was worried about feeling actual happiness, but I'm letting myself be happy on my birthday. Which I didnt think was going to happen.
So today I woke up really groggy from seroquel, my partner made me two cappuccinos, we played mariokart and I won a few times. I deep cleaned the kitchen (huge feat for me) because the invega made me restless and also because two cappuccinos.
We went to a Louisiana style restaurant and had awesome fried catfish poboys and doodled in our restaurant doodle notebook.
Then we saw Loving Vincent in theatres (highly recommended, just gorgeous) and I teared up when "melancholia" was mentioned. Imagine fighting our demons in the 1800's..
Also didnt know that he had only begun to paint at 27. Meditating on that and the fact that his art wasnt widely recognized as genius until after his death makes me think that in this life where we are constantly preforming and gauging our self-worth by how society receives us, we would be much better off to just create for the hell of it. Even if no one recognizes our genius (we are all geniuses, if it's just an ounce of it).
I'm inspired to create. It's never too late, even at 34, or 54, or wherever we are in life. Odds are, no one is going to look at you while youre alive and give you credit for anything you've worked hard for. Do it for you. Do it for the art of it.
Thanks for reading my birthday rambles. Hope everyone has something in their evening that makes them smile and feel hope and gladness in being alive.
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self.bipolar
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I don't think I am capable of living a happy life All of my life I have been miserable, and I always thought it was because of situations that would pass. But no, the common denominator is just me. I used to be fat - I'm talking almost 300lbs. For someone who is 5'3, that is not good. I lost most of the weight, I wear a medium now (used to wear XL + XXL) and I look normal. But the mental weight is still there - I still feel fat (I am definitely still a little chubby).
I have a loving boyfriend. He is my first serious boyfriend and we have been dating for 2.5 years. We live together, and he's happy. I am happy sometimes, but I'm usually just miserable and anxious, through no fault of his own. I've thought about breaking up with him because I'm not happy, and I've spoken with him about this, but I came to the conclusion I am just not happy in general. It has nothing to do with him. If I was single I would probably just be even more miserable. Sometimes I feel so in love with him, more than anyone will ever know. I feel happy for brief shining moments and I wish I could always feel that way. But then I overthink and become anxious and nervous again. Another big part of this is that he is my first boyfriend and he is everything I could ever want in a man, but because is my first there is always a weird doubt - what if someone else is out there who is better? I do not think there is rationally, but idk. That thought is intrusive.
This bleeds into my social life. I am bad at making friends. I think very black and white - either someone cares about me a lot or not at all. I cut people off that don't care enough. I am left with almost no one. My standards are too high. I don't tolerate excessive flakiness, bailing, or otherwise ignoring me. Seems to be the way everyone is nowadays, so that leaves me all by myself.
Maybe I could be happier if I stopped caring so much. I care too much that everything goes right, that everyone is fair, that everything is equal and how it should be.
Sometimes I think I have some form of autism (like Aspberger's because of how trapped in my own head I am. I was tested as a kid, because my mom seems to think I had it as well, but it came back negative.
Even if I have depression, which let's not kid ourselves, I do, I'm way too terrified to go to an incompetent doctor and mess myself up even more than I already am with drugs. I went on birth control for about 10 months and it took away my sex drive (this was 1+ years ago and it still has not returned) in addition to making me crazily depressed and apathetic. If simple birth control did that... I can't even think about what depression meds would do.
I think I have resigned myself to this existence, since I am too cowardly to kill myself. And I do not wish to harm my family or boyfriend. This is my life now. Sometimes I am happy for a second. And then I am not. I am mostly alone, except for my boyfriend. I don't matter to anyone except my family. And that has to be okay. That is just how the world is.
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self.depression
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Cancer free and it's finally sinking in. A year ago today I was released from the hospital after a stem cell transplant, cancer free. I had been going through chemo for over a year prior to that. I'm 34 yo. I have have two sons, a 9yo with autism, and a 2yo who was only 6 months old when I was diagnosed.
I week ago I went for a follow up check, and I 'm totally cancer free. It's been such a horribly difficult journey to regain any strength after the chemo and stem cell treatment, but it finally sunk in, that this whole thing might be behind me. That I might survive to raise my kids.
I can't stop crying.
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self.offmychest
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I'm A Recovering Shut-In Trying To Overcome This Anxiety I'm a young guy who doesn't handle anxiety well. My brain has always had an extremely stressed reaction to everything. Because of this, I tried to minimalise how stressed I could become, and ultimately became more and more depressed not going out much, not socializing.
I've graduated uni now. And I've traveled overseas for half of this year. I've just moved to another new city to start work. Do I sound like a shut in? No, because I've been trying my fucking hardest to overcome it.
But today I actually feel incredibly anxious. I moved into a new apartment. It's summer (NZ), it's hot, the windows dont open in my room. I just don't feel comfortable here. And I'm sitting here sweating and feeling the anxiety as I have to get a job soon, even though I've never had full-time job before.
I just want to relax, but I have to buy food, cook myself dinner and keep taking care of myself. The heat is on literally, I just want someone to have my back in case I fall, or melt.
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self.Anxiety
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Feels like I'm being pulled in two directions I'm having trouble focusing and articulating myself right now so please forgive me if this turns out being rather jumbled.
This last month has been shit. I've had practically no motivation and just taking care of myself has been incredibly difficult. I've been trying to stay aware of the fact that I'm most likely depressed right now. My house is an absolute disaster. I have no clean clothes. I haven't made myself a meal in over a week. My SO is trying to help but I can't shake the feeling he's not really trying. But I also know that I really am not asking him for help. I don't understand why I can't just be real with him and tell him that I need him to give me a little push every now and then. I don't have the will to do anything right now and it's weighing me down so heavily when I look around my house and see all the things I need to do. My anxiety has just been a monster because of this.
I talked to my pdoc and we raised my dosage to see if it will help. But i don't feel like I can wait for it to kick in. I just want to sleep constantly and it's taking everything in me to just stay awake throughout the day. And then when I do try and sleep I wake up constantly. I'm so exhausted all the time. I just wish this would all go away. I wish I could just wake up one day and feel normal. Or at least not like shit. I just feel like this would all be a lot easier if I wasn't around to have to deal with it. I know how that sounds I guess but I can't help it. I don't want to kill myself I don't think. It's more like I don't really care if I die.
I don't know what to do but I need something to change or I'm going to lose my mind.
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self.bipolar
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Advice? Opinions?
Sorry if this post doesn’t fit here, but I’ve been concerned about my mental health for a while now and I just want to hear some opinions on it – even if they are “there is nothing wrong with you, just go away!”. I don’t really know what I am looking for, but I guess mostly I just want to blurt out all my feelings to a bunch of people I don’t know. I’m going to just explain everything so sorry for the wall of text.
I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I have a memory of being in primary school and thinking that everyone I loved would be better off if I died, that my parents would be happier to have more money and that none of my friends like me anyway. And basically, that has been the theme for the past decade and a half-ish since. It isn’t constant, for most of the time I’m happy and energetic and enthusiastic about the things I love. I do have low self-esteem, I believe I am generally terrible, I think all my achievements are down to luck rather than ability and I tend to always doubt that people actually like me, but for the most part I don’t let it get in the way.
It’s just every now and then – usually around once or twice a month – I just feel awful. Sometimes it’s because of something specific – like I’m finding my university work difficult or I’ve sat and stared at the ceiling for an hour because I can’t get myself to start an essay or basically every time I go clothes shopping and feel bad about my appearance– and sometimes it’s for no reason, I just wake up and think of all the reasons I have to hate myself. I feel weary, hopeless, tearful, guilt-ridden, I have no motivation to do anything, I don’t care about my own health, I feel bad about being overweight so I try and stop eating, but then I just end up eating too much, I find ways to hurt myself like punching myself, scratching my skin or holding my hand under the hot tap, I think about suicide a lot and at the lowest points all I can think about it suicide. Like, all I can do is look for various ways to die in everyday life or I start mentally drafting my suicide note or thinking about potential plans or sometimes it is simply the phrase “I want to die” droning over and over again in my head. But I’m not actually at risk of doing it, as the impulsive thought are just thoughts and the actual plans all end up coming back to the idea that my family and partner would be upset so I have to wait until they are all gone.
I don’t want to go to a doctor as I’m worried they will just tell me to eat healthily and exercise more, or maybe they’ll tell me to stop making a fuss and I don’t know how I would handle that. Besides, although I am incredibly grateful for the NHS and I would not be able to afford health care otherwise, I have heard that their waiting lists for therapy are months long. I’m not in danger of doing anything silly anyway. I also don’t want to worry the people I know when I am probably fine anyway. Another, less fun reason, is the fact that I have heard that a history of mental health problems can affect life insurance policies and to be completely honest – if I do have a real risk of committing suicide in the next 50 or so years, I at least want the people I love to be compensated.
So I’ve been doing some online research, which yeah, not always a great idea, but a problem I have found is that the tests you can take, for example there is one on the NHS website, don’t tend to take timescale into account. I only really take these tests when I feel down, so I get results that indicate some level of depression, but if I were to take the tests when I felt okay then I probably wouldn’t get the same results. Most of the definitions of clinical depression I have seen say that the symptoms persist constantly for weeks or months and that this is a key difference between actually having depression and just “feeling low”. Meanwhile, I have highs and lows with it and for the most part I am fine. These periods tend to only last a few days at most and during them I can be cheered up temporarily or entirely snapped out of them by family and friends or by outings to do things I like.
Which makes me think that I am faking all this, somehow well enough to convince myself – that this is all attention seeking behaviour. This would also fit with the fact that many of my suicidal fantasies end up with me surviving or being saved by my loved ones, and the fact that I feel like I want to scream for help sometimes. Maybe I am just looking for some attention. Alternatively, maybe this is completely normal, maybe everyone feels like this sometimes and I’m just not as good at dealing with it, maybe I am weak. I also worry that I’m appropriating depression and that if I were to seek help about this or take action on it I would be making the situation worse for the people who actually do have depression who are suffering way more than I could ever imagine.
I don’t know what I am looking for with this post, but feel free to just tell me your opinions, thanks for reading and sorry for wasting your time.
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self.depression
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Coping with Unjust World This is partly a rant just to make myself feel heard and partly a cry for help. I have been feeling torn apart by frustration and depression over the state of the world, and unable to cope with it in any way that left me able to feel anything. I've edited it to make it less politically charged, though I find sociopolitics to be intimately intertwined with my depression and anxiety.
I came into a world already made and cemented, fortified, and armed to the teeth to protect itself. I had no part in deciding how the vision of society would evolve over the past 200 years. But here I am, "at the end of history" in a globally capitalist world with the ability to annihilate itself at any given moment if something goes really awry. I stand in an already marginalized position observing transparent injustice after injustice, and watching in horror as the world seems to flirt with visions even more violent to my values and my very existence.
But I feel unable to do anything about it. It takes all of my energy just to stay mentally fit and keep my job that pays just enough to keep me alive and address personal disasters. Meanwhile I imagine what a hypothetical me with no such constraints would do that would mean anything and I come up blank.
Besides that I am one in a few billion and mathematically cannot have a significant effect, I and everyone else looking for change face unprecedented obstacles. All of our discourse happens on systems at the behest of the current winners who obviously have means and interest to preserve the status quo. There will be no more revolutions, no more questioning authority, no more change that is not state approved. Everything hereon relies on working within a framework that is stacked heavily in favor of the current winners, so there is little room for vision.
So I am left feeling anger, hate, and depression in order. Anger at the various isms that flare up and sacrifice people like me to gain an edge, at the failure in critical thinking that lead to avoidable tragedies. Hatred at the people who have made careers of spreading bold lies and crippling our entire epistemology for personal gain and emboldening all of those isms and tragedies while simultaneously undercutting our ability to address them. Then depression that we seem to be in a failure mode of humanity where our mental shortcuts make it impossible to address these problems without restarting, that we're working against constraints in our brains that were simply NOT meant to maintain a global community.
Furthermore I am angry and depressed that I cant overcome the crippling sense of defeat and do *something*, and am therefore part of the problem. The best I can manage is biding my time, trying to keep myself healthy, doing nice things for my friends, and pushing out the sense of impending doom and pretending thats the same as feeling like I have a future.
Replace these abstract placeholders with specific fuck-yous to your own value system – the problem is the same. How do you find purpose or contentment in a system you know with every fiber of your being is fucked beyond your lifetime? How do you address depression that is rooted in not just your individual brain chemistry but also in your global environment?
ETA: I do see a therapist, a psychiatrist, and take several medications. They help a lot (I would be dead if they didn't), but don't reach this issue.
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self.depression
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Im getting more and more anxious and depressed because i can't find a girl Been dealing with anxiety and borderline depression for 6 years now. I keep myself in such low worth because of my looks. Im a great human being other than that, I'm smart going through college but this just keeps me so low... I don't know how to put it in words properly.
I would really like a girlfriend or even a one night stand, but I can't do it. Starting to wonder if this life is worth anything if you can't find a mate or a lover.
Nice words held in high value at the moment.
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self.Anxiety
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At the "prime" of my life but have never felt worse [deleted]
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self.depression
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After 20+ years, I've realized we're bad for each other. I’m now convinced that we are bad for each other, and that it’s not going to get any better. As people age, they become more themselves. When I’m around you, I’m worse. When you’re around me, you’re worse. I make you feel bad about yourself. You make me feel bad about myself. Our natures conflict on a basic level. I do things that are normal to me that feel like violence to you, and vice versa. The things that feed me… I don’t see them in you. The things that feed you… I don’t think that I have.
We start arguing about a nuance of language, and how you think you’re clear, but I didn’t understand you, and I say “let’s talk about this communication problem” and you say “there is no communication problem. I’m making myself clear and you just don’t understand me” and only want to discuss the specifics of what I didn’t understand and what that says about me.
You say things to me, and I tell you that it’s hurtful or angering or obviously gets me going, and your response is to say “I don’t see why you’re upset. This isn’t a fight. I don’t feel upset. There's nothing to be upset about.”
You emotionally bash the kids, and then act like everything is fine, and act surprised/hurt when anyone even suggests otherwise.
You have your emotional say to people in this family, and if it’s met with any resistance or countering words, anything other than complete affirmation, and then you realize that it’s not an argument you’re going to win and you've bitten off more than you can chew, you just change the subject, ignoring the person who was responding to you. You turn your head and start talking to someone else, often telling them how “good” they are, while the person you just shat on is trying to respond to you.
When you get hurt or disappointed, you fall into a spiral of behaviors that make it nearly impossible for the others involved to make it okay again. You put people in “trap” situations, where no matter what they do to try to make it up or explain the misunderstanding, it’s not enough or the wrong thing. You’re hurt, and you don’t stop hurting the people around you until they’re contrite enough, apparently oblivious to the long term cumulative effects of this on others.
You say that besides sex (you want more, I want less), we have a great relationship, but have you seen the effect you have on everyone else in this family? Day after day, you casually do things that make the rest of feel like shit, or furious, or both, and you appear to be perfectly fine with it, just moving right on to talking happily about the weather or something. Do you have any idea how often I pretend to be someone else so we can feel connected? If I stopped doing that, stopped pretending that good things were bad and that bad things were okay, there would be no connection left between us at all. I’m cutting pieces off of myself just so this can hold together.
Is it any wonder that our youngest child has anxiety about cleaning her room? You can say all you want that “There’s no right way to do it,” but the fact is that if it’s not done the way you want, you make her miserable, attaching emotional consequences to it, and you’ve done this for over a decade. “I’m really disappointed. I didn’t think I’d have a daughter who would be okay with a room that looks like this. I don’t understand it. I’m surprised, really. I thought you cared more than this.” This could be a no-stakes, get-it-done kind of thing, yet she loses her mind about it, and it’s obvious why. She said to me “She always says that I’m just like her, and I can’t stand it. I want to scream at her when she does that, but then she’ll feel alone, so I act like it’s fine.”
Is it any wonder that your older daughter said to me “I want to live at home this summer, but I don’t know if I can stand to” with tears in her eyes after you’d once again crushed her with casual emotional battery. She loves this family and this home more than anything, and it kills her inside that she wants to not be here. What needs to happen for an otherwise super smart, gregarious young person to look like she’s begging for scraps when she tries to get us to see a movie she loved, that then turns into you agreeing to it but explaining all the reasons going to the movies sucks and is awful for you. What do you think leads to that?
It’s even harder to take because you’re convinced of the purity of your motives, as though thinking you’re a good person mitigates the pain you cause. As I’ve told you before, the only thing that good motivations do here is it keeps your family coming back to hug you after you’ve cut them yet again.
A long time ago, I decided that a way to deal with the angers and bad feelings I had toward you was that every time I felt that way, I was going to make myself do something kind/good for you. Even if I wanted to yell, I’d take a second, take a breath, and ask you if you needed water. Offer something. I thought that if I did that, it would be a Christian way of being a husband, and over time, it would get better. I’d train myself toward kindness and away from anger.
But it hasn’t worked. It’s only gotten harder. It’s gotten hard enough for me that something has changed. I used to always have hope and believe that someday, you’d be different. That you’d stop all of the stuff above, if I just loved you enough and converted anger to kindness. That you’d understand the kind of damage you were doing, and how hard you were making it to connect with you. But I think I ran out of will for that. After twenty plus years, that hope -- it’s used up. I now expect that for as long as I’m around you, this is going to be the way of it.
You, always wanting just one more thing, always saying how the thing in front of you isn’t as good as the last thing or the thing you remember or how it could have been better if only insert-thing-here, always stating your personal preferences as universal facts and being aghast that others don’t agree, always telling me or our daughters what we should have done or should be doing, and emotionally punishing us if we don’t do it. That’s never going to stop.
I’m reminded of the time that the dog got hurt, and the girls called me in a panic. They weren’t scared for the dog. They were scared because you were coming home, and that you would lay into them, making them feel like it was somehow their fault, and not stopping until they were broken down. I told them “She’s not going to do that. She’ll come home and do the right thing. When it’s important, she’ll do the right thing. I believe in her.” They said, “We don’t.” And it turned out that they were right, and I was wrong. I should have listened to them.
I’m sure that for people who are in alignment with the way you think about things, this is all fine, and even good. But I’m not. To me, I have no way to connect on these kinds of things with you. I am in opposition a lot of the time. That’s not a comment on you or me, but in the extremely different approaches and perspectives that we have. Sometimes opposite things complement one another. I think that in our case, they hurt each other.
My choices are few. I can pretend that I’m connected with you on all of this stuff, and keep cutting off pieces of myself until it kills me. I can object to these things, and then we’re just openly disagreeing and even fighting all the time. That’s bad too. I can offer a different perspective, but I’ve learned that you almost always experience any kind of difference or non-agreement as bad no matter how I express it, and an attack on your point of view -- because to you it’s not just “your point of view” it’s a universal truth. I can try to ignore this stuff, but it seems to be never-ending, and if I ignore all the things -- then we’re not connected. You don’t ignore the people you love.
You say you need more connections with people and with me. I’m dying at the amount of over-connection I currently have. This is a system that “worked” for a long time because we were busy, and because I still had hope that this opposition would resolve itself. Now that we’re not as busy, the deficiencies are laid bare. Now that I no longer have hope that you’ll stop stabbing the rest of us, then smiling out the window, not understanding what you’ve done, the obvious question to me is “What’s the point?”
I need something better from you, something that’s better for me, that doesn’t force me to do internal violence to myself on a regular basis to maintain connected. That something better should come from you, but if it doesn’t, it’s going to happen without you.
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self.offmychest
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I survived a mini-stroke two weeks ago and I kinda wish I didn’t. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Stopped taking my meds I have stopped taking my medication (buspar, seroquel, lamictal). I haven't told my treatment team, and I don't know if I plan on it.
I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I never stop thinking about suicide and my anxiety is so bad that I can hardly talk at most times. I don't know if I want to take my meds again, because I feel like ending my life is the only way to truly escape the way I feel. I am a burden, ugly and pathetic. The shame I feel for being myself can't be cured with pills. I don't know what to do with myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Suddenly my dad wants to dad but I’m too hurt. My dad is a narcissist. He’s an alcoholic. He’s a conservative. He’s Mormon. He’s the city commissioner. But he’s never really been my dad. My parents split up before I can even remember and I always felt like he only wanted to be around me if it was convenient. But he’s several years sober and he’s changed, which is good right? He’s making time for family (the ones nearby) and he became a politician (to fight the liberals) and I know in his heart he loves me. But now he’s saying he wants a family reunion? And the idea stemmed from me meeting his cousin a few years ago. But I met his cousin on my own terms, through my dads parents spilling the beans that my father had been married during the time of The Unpleasantness and had a daughter. No one even knows about me or my mom, so why is he suddenly wanting me to come visit? Meet my brothers new fiancée? See my nieces?
It’s just so strange. All I ever wanted was to feel like my dad wanted me and to feel like I had a family. But I’ve been cutting him off, trying to remove myself from him so I don’t keep hurting. I’m too scared to confront him and I’m scared to hurt his feelings. But I’m scared he’ll hurt mine too.
I don’t know. I’m scared I’ll get my hopes up about this and he just lets me fall through the cracks again. I know he means well but I’m afraid it’s too late to have a relationship. But is it ever too late to have a meaningful relationship with your parents? I’m blessed to have my mother as my best friend, but she’s been scorned by my father before and I’m afraid to ask her thoughts.
I guess, as with any other process with my father, I’ll let him tell me when he’s ready. Because I’ve always been ready to have a dad. I just hope he’s ready to have a daughter.
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self.offmychest
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Is it possible to build tolerance or immunity to beta blockers (specifically Propranolol)? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My brother says things like "I have no will to live" and cries almost constantly. How do I convince him to see a therapist? My brother has a lot is certainly depressed. This week, he quit school, quit his job, quit taking his medication and has cried every day. I asked him point blank if he's going to kill himself and he shrugged and said probably. He's not alone and we are almost constantly checking on him, so I don't believe he's in immediate danger of suicide.
My mom and I have decided to take him a psych tomorrow but he's refusing to go. He says it won't do any good, it won't help, there's no point.
What do we do? Keep trying to convince him? Put him the car and go? I don't know how to approach this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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sometimes you have no choice but to let go [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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i dont fit in anywhere and i have no marketable skills and too many problems EVERY POST I MAKE IS DOWNVOTED AND CRITICIZED RUDELY HOW DO I GO ON
PTSD PTSD PTSD
SUICIDE IS A CHOICE IF NOBODY WANTS TO HIRE OR MARRY ME RIGHT?
22, male, severely isolated and depressed, shunned by all the terribly mean people i grew up around. LDS people are the only nice people but i have a really hard time feeling normal like they do. Living with grandparents in Utah. Christ is my only friend but everyone just shits on me for it.
get called retarded a lot.
I used to be atheist like all of you thinking its just an imaginary friend but hes real. Further isolated by bigots who just hate on me for being LDS. everyone i see walking around is way different or on meth. the US is hell. Texas they tortured me with V2K tech. no antipsychotics dont help with psychotronic weapon attacks. Now its severe PTSD
Made not one single friend travelling up the west coast. Got freaked out by how fucked up the human trafficking situation is there that never gets reported on for obvious conspiratorial reasons.
Witnessed gang violence and death in Los Angeles. I have the smell of dead people and burning bodies in my memory now.
Im losing my shit isolated. Hawaii hates me for being born (see my last optimistic post that got shit on). I dont have a single marketable skill.
every career path looks like misery. im a burden on all my family. i cant sleep at night. im suffering needlessly. how do i go on
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self.SuicideWatch
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Fuck, I don’t even know anymore I don’t even know what to do. I hate how I think. I want to be normal. I want to not obsess over everything. Nothing seems to work. I just want to be happy so desperately. I want friends.
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self.SuicideWatch
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[Trigger warning] It's been a bad week, and next week will be worse When I get upset, panicked, anxious, nervous, or scared, I scratch myself.
This is a relatively new reaction, and I don't know where it came from.
I used to cut and burn myself, but I stopped a few years ago. Maybe this is a new way it's manifesting?
**Information redacted**
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self.Anxiety
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I am currently in the ER for the 4th time bc of suicidal thoughts. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I Feel Stuck In A Time Loop [Long] I am not too sure how to word this all, and I am not too sure how it will come off. But I'll explain this as best as I can.
I tried to fix my life when entering freshman year of high school and since my sleep schedule has always been moving in a forward fashion, my family thought it could work out that we could put me in online education. I was excited for this and thought it could be a new and bright future for me on what was my rocky years of Junior High. I was ahead of my due dates on my Senior High work and I was happy seeing that my dates were nearly a month ahead every time, I'd chill out and take couple day breaks and then when they'd get close I'd push them back by doing a burst of work. It was easy going until my school called me up for a meeting in which I went with my parents. I was then told how I was not going at a graduation pace and I needed to work quicker. I tried to ask what my graduation pace was and that I was going ahead of the due dates. They told me the due dates didn't matter yet they still didn't fix them, so I went off with this information to try and fix it all and I got stuck on a project and since I couldn't fully finish it within a week, I got several phone calls marking me absent for all of my classes even though there is no real teachers that I have to attend in my online courses, so then I was E-Mailed and they made a legal threat towards me and my family for my truancy, I remember reading the terms of service and code of conduct for everything I could to write a paper to try and get my thoughts down on how I wasn't breaking any of the rules even by showing the progress I was making. Before I could speak for myself in that meeting I was told this by the assistant principal.
"I am a truant to this district and I do not have the same rights as every other student and being treated as a student is a privilege, and I can hide from life all I want but my education is in their hands now whether I am comfortable with it or not."
He took my room to ever really speak and stole any ground I had and he said other than that the only way I could ever get a hold of my education again is by doing homeschooling, I tried to ask them about it and the assistant then told me this.
"I honestly don't care, you decide to not be a part of this district anymore and you essentially aren't my problem anymore."
They made me go to a hybrid day of working and I am in my second year now, I have tried to reason with them as they keep moving me from place to place in my study hall, bringing down advisers and other higher ups to constantly speak with me and single me out in front of all of the other students. Any sorts of times I cried be it in those meetings when I was pressured and a lack of any sort of empathy was shown for me all the way to having to manage 10-12 hours of work for freshman year in the first few months was gone. I keep standing up to try and have the guidance counselors and other members of the board actually try and help me and get it across that moving me around the school constantly with my time there isn't improving my learning or making me do any better and the advisers that breathe down my neck and tell me "Don't you want to graduate with your friends? You could be doing so much more!" "You could be so much more but you just don't work at all." But none of them ever listen, they only give me snarky replies like "So you are mad at us." or "We can't help you on anything." when I come in to pour my heart out about the issues that have been pressuring and taking away my will and spirit to work.
I keep getting pushed down by every board member every time I try to make a change in my own life or fix my problems regardless of how valid those points may be, and they insist I don't know what's good for me while they just push me around to different classes, separating me from anybody I ever connect with in those study halls and moving me to the next bunch of strangers. I have spent all night tonight working on my course material hoping that another adviser doesn't come down to move me to another room, I grew so connected to the people around me now and my childhood friend is there that I can confide to when the pressure just becomes too much on the fact I am a year behind on my work due to a petty miscommunication.
I am not concerned for my future anymore or my best interest anymore, the school has refused to help me and it has made me cave in. I don't care about my life or future anymore, and when an adviser or counselor speaks to me about what's wrong after the times ever since I moved to enroll in this district in which I have only been mistreated by the staff, I only ever tell them that I am not mad and that I just want to keep my family safe from any legal harm. Which goes over their heads and they ignore me like I had said nothing at all. My family doesn't acknowledge my care for them and views me as lazy and as a procrastinator with potential. Sure I may procrastinate but at the end of the day I know what effect this has on my future and no matter how hard I try it feels like I can never make up that work that they hid from me, and no matter what I have done for days on end, everybody from every corner just pressures me every single day and it feels like the only time I have a corner to stand in when it comes to this ring, I keep getting shifted around by the other sides so I have less and less support and genuine care and all it has done is made me resentful.
Every day just feels like a never ending time loop that I can't stop and no matter how little effort or how much effort I put in I always just get pressure and anger for not doing more. They expect me to be angry or to be upset with them and while I may be I never do show this sort of mentality since for the past few years they have put me in an environment where they have shown me no way of reason with them or any way of compromise for a bleak future of mine other than to just roll with the punches until they stop being thrown and rest for the next flurry.
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self.offmychest
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All ready to go but haven’t found the right time? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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God fucking damnit I can't even fucking kill myself right, I spent an hour looking for bleach and I couldn't find it so I was gonna use toilet bowl cleaner and I fucking pussied out because it was opace blue and smelled like shit
Fuck this shit I hope I get hit be a fucking semi truck while crossing the street, hell I'd even take being beaten to death with a blunt machete at this point
Fuck you dad just let me fucking die and stop pretending you love a fucked peice of shit like me
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self.depression
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I hate being sad I cant handle being sad anymore. Why cant I just get hit by a train and end it all
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self.offmychest
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I've fallen back to the pit. So long perfect streak of not cutting myself. I just relapsed. Fuckin hate my life man
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self.SuicideWatch
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A day free from anxiety and depression! I know it will come back but this has been an amazing day I feel like my old self! I can’t wait to get more of these days!
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self.Anxiety
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What happens after death? I wanna die. So badly. I've lost so much patience for things to get better. It doesn't seem like it will and these feelings are so intense, I don't know how much longer I can bear it. But I'm afraid of what will happen if I did it. What is after death? I don't expect anyone to have an answer to that. My fear that things could be worse after is the only thing stopping me. I don't know what to do. I want these feelings to stop.
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self.offmychest
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i cant take it anymore why the fuck should we live like this
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self.depression
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I want to stop doing this... Hello Reddit.
I would like some advice on the cycle...
Have been getting therapy and I feel way better than before... But sometimes, when I feel that a problem arrises, I tend to talk to my close friends for advice, and sometimes I'm worried that I'm acting like a gossiper...
It's something like this:
"Situations happens" > "Starts to feel bad" > "Tries to keep it at bay for a while" > "Talk about it with 3-4 people" > "Calms down" > "Feels like a horrible human being and with tons of guilt".
When I talk about I don't say things with the purpouse of hurting other people but... I'm afraid that I might be seen as a hypocrite gossiper, would like to stop doing so... The guilt is killing me...
It's like when something happens with another friend or person you know, and you ask other people for advice... But after the problem happens I see that it wasn't a big deal or a serious tight, and then the guilt starts to kick in...
What are your ways to stop doing so before those actions start to take away friendships from you?
Thank you all in advance, please have a good day.
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self.Anxiety
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I've tried the last two nights Today my ex boyfriend was like, have you thought of the possible damage you've done internally that you may not know about for years? So that helped. He moved out 6 months ago while we worked on ourselves and worked toward getting back together. I've set us back so far in the last two days. I have BPD and I have meltdowns all the time where I scream a lot and cry a lot. Last week I started going to a DBT center, but I'm not going back until January because I'm going home for Christmas. I feel so unstable.
I mix gabapentin with alcohol so I'll go into a coma. It's really dumb.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hate Depressed for the last seven years without anyone noticing or caring,all i can feel now is hate,hate for being put in this shithole without any talent,looks or something that make this existence worthwhile,hate for others who i feel have everything that i lack,hate myself for falling in line and accepting it instead of opening a window and jump out.
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self.depression
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Anyone who has been hospitalized because they were considering suicide: what do they do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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How much does Caffeine affect anxiety? I drink quite a fair bit of coffee, about 4-8 cups a day. How much does it actually contribute to anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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Minor Fender Bender, Incredibly Nervous and Can't Calm Down (kind of long, sorry) [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Jaw shooting pain Does anyone else get a shooting pain in their jaw underneath just near the ear on the left and right side?. Had it for the last week but tonight it’s been non stop on the right side and it’s driving me nuts. Don’t know how to stop it and wish it would go away.
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self.Anxiety
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Being alone everywhere I go Greetings redditors,I am about to write a wall of text so brace yourselves.
Being alone is something I am sure all people experience at times but not for me.As long as I can remember I have always been lonely,not alone per se but lonely.Even from a small age I had a few friends but not because I liked them that much,they were just the only people that would want to hang out with me so I stuck with them.As time went on we became more distant and started hanging out with other people.I had other "friends" now but it was the same scenario.I was part of the group but it was common for me to not get invited wherever they went.I was the one that needed to make the contact and to this day,with every person i have hung out,the pattern continues.During my teens when people were discovering themselves,partying,having sex I was staying at home just playing video games.Not because I wanted to do it but because I did not have other opportunities.
Then university came and I decided I should go and study abroad.This was my golden ticket I thought,to reinvent myself and live the social life I have always wanted.Well I went abroad and well,nothing really changed.I always tried to talk to people,listen to them,create a dialogue,talk both about their and my interests(I fell comfortable talking on most topics so I feel like I can talk with anyone)but it seemed like no one was really interested with what I had to say.Hell,even today I see that my father does the same.Whenever I talk to him about something that I am interested in(my biggest hobby is cars) or something that I read he just kind of nods off or looks at his phone.The only reply he is likely to give me is to focus on my studies and my job,that is all he would respond with.Whoever I met made me feel like I am a piece of garbage,a nuisance that does not belong anywhere.It seems like a have nothing interesting to say even though I have always though I have a lot to say but with recent years I have suppressed all my thoughts and emotions in myself because there is no one I can really talk to.I started doing drugs(mostly weed and cocaine occasionally)so I could escape the harsh reality of the real world but as time went on,even when I was high,I had more depressing thoughts that normally.
I have not even kissed a girl,let alone have girlfriend and at my age this is something very strange and uncommon.I have always tried to listen to girls,pay attention to what they say and in general just talk about things they are comfortable with but I have not gotten the slightest hint of interest from anyone(from people in general,not just girls).Sometimes I think that maybe I should just go and kill a bunch of people just so I can justify the hate that this world has for me.If I am being treated like a piece of garbage,might as well act like a piece of garbage.I have always tried to be nice,tactful and polite but it seems to make no difference.I would like to say that I can talk at least with my parents but our relationship is not good at all.My mother is a mentally unstable person who tries to drag me down to the depression hole with her while my father is a unsuccessful guy who has not really accomplished much.I respect him for always trying but as I have seen so far,he is just a person who tries,not a person who succeeded.I dont have any siblings so I am the one that needs to fit into the perfect child criteria of my parents.I have a lot more to say but I feel like this is plenty.Thank you online strangers for listening to my sad and pathetic thoughts.
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self.depression
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I had a thought Two ugly people would produce an ugly baby.
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety versus paranoia. Do y'all have either or both? Which causes which or are they independent?
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self.bipolar
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Bipolar Disorder is composed of two souls inhabiting one body [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I always feel ugly when i go out with friends [deleted]
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self.depression
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I am done with this life. I have had enough of everything. there is nothing in this world I want anymore. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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How does it feels to love and be loved? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m 23, and feeling overwhelmed by life. Here’s a dump of my thoughts, any advice or guidance would be amazing. Hello reddit, I needed somewhere to go to put my thoughts about...Just about everything on paper, and this seems like the place to do it.
I’m a young guy making his way through the world. I’ve based all my life decisions around living the cookie cutter mold: I have no debt, a lucrative high-paying job with a promising career path, and a good setup. However, I’m not happy. I’ve developed views that make my current career morally objectionable, my safe approach to life has made me boring and (predictably) a virgin without a hint of interest from women, Ive been delegated responsibility for taking care of everyone but myself, and I find myself secretly self-medicating with alcohol on the reg just so I can get drunk enough to actually feel something here and there.
Society says I’m in a good place, but I feel incredibly wrong. Before severe bullying (home&school), pressure, and obligations snuffed my personality almost entirely, I remember being a brave and adventurous kid with boundless energy wanting to tackle the world. I still feel so passionate about absolving inequality, and I want nothing more than to meet all sorts of crazy people and have crazy experiences...but I’ve let myself come contentedly bound by my oh-so-comfortable golden corporate handcuffs.
I’ve thought about going abroad for grad school to become a researcher that contributes to the good of society, picking up and moving across the country to pave the way in something that doesn’t involve corporate drudgery and overwhelming loneliness, or doing anything to separate myself from the dry-suit-wearing drone for the guys history will NOT look kindly upon...but I’m afraid I’ll just end up heading straight on this fork in my life. I’ve always had to be the responsible one for my family, and for my friends, and I do not have the privilege to make any mistakes in my life.
I obsessively ruminate and consider my options (in lieu of living in the moment...rookie mistake), but I always end up running in circles. So many unpredictabilities, contingencies...what if my parents become financially unstable, my siblings, what about a future spouse and kids (my dream but like that’ll ever happen for a fucker like me)...leaving my golden handcuffs means callously stabbing them in the back. I’m lost and I’m so fucking exhausted running this charade over and over in my head. I haven’t slept for more than 2 hrs a night in months, and my health is atrophying because I’m weak and can’t appreciate what I have and be half the man that anyone else is. I’m overwhelmed and that is unacceptable. I’m at a loss.
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self.offmychest
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Anyone else think people only talk to you so they can mock you later? I always feel like my conversations aren't really genuine. I think that most people just keep me around to be able to tell their friends what a loser I am. "You'll never guess who I talked to today" sort of stuff. I look like a freak and everyone knows it. I'm just the butt of a long running joke. A joke that everyone knows but no one tries to kill. I guess I'm just an easy target or something.
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self.depression
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im a shitty person I came across this subreddit looking for a way out.
A jist of what happened. Me[24m] got bored over break and talked to a trans girl online and ended up sexting. I had a gf [22f] who I want to marry while this happened. I have insecurities of attractiveness and this person made me feel like I was the best looking person ever and ,as a small guy, like an alpha male
The person reverse searched my pics and is blackmailing me. They sent everything to my family and friends along with my gf and her family.
my girlfriend and I live(d) together and everything was great. The messages were sent around 1 or 2am and I was up. I paniced and blocked and deleted the blackmail message off her phone. This obviously was a stupid thing to do because it was sent to everyone.
I betrayed my girlfriend. She hates me now. My family thinks I am gay because it was a trans girl.
I can't live with the pain Ive brought to others because of my actions. I just want to kill myself for this. Im so ashamed of myself. ive tried talking to my gf but she is in the right to not talk to me. I just dont want to do this anymore. she unfortunately took her gun that she keeps under the bed so I cant use that.
I just want to be gone and not cause so many problems
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self.SuicideWatch
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Kevin Spacey Kevin Spacey gives all homosexuals a bad name. He didn't come out as a sincere gesture, or to inspire other homosexuals. He came out in a wuss attempt to divert attention from the controversy. Well, at least it will be easier for me to watch him in his villainous roles now.
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self.offmychest
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I just got dumped 😭😭😭 I just got dumped by my bf over text message. He said there was literally nothing I did. That I am wonderful and that I am an amazing person. He said that he is not over a gf from a couple of years ago.
I was doing so well guys. I was riding a nice steady high dealing with him. I was getting healthier. And now. Bam. I stunned, shocked, and speechless. I mean literally 4 hours ago nothing, I mean NOTHING, was wrong. And now I feel like a worthless shit like before.
He was the first guy (I assumed) who liked me for me. The first one who didn't just want to get in my pants. I was sexual with him, but I was emotionally invested as well.
Even though I shouldn't have, I had a beer earlier. And I took a little extra of my abilify tonight. (10mg instead of 5mg). All of that in an effort to mask the pain.
TL;DR Got dumped over text. Self medicating already and feeling depressed and shocked. Every thing seemed fine. But now were done.
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self.bipolar
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Not sure if that's the place for this But I want to share something that's fuckin me up.
I got involved with a friend. We are very much alike and we've been attracted to each other for a while until we finally hook up. Now here's the deal: I have anxiety and haven't been able to talk to girls for a long long time, starting to get better just recently. This friend of mine was an exception to the rule and I was actually very open with her.
After the first time we hooked up we were texting and I was panicking about her saying she liked that night and wanted to repeat, etc. I guess I feel a lot of pressure hearing this as if I've set some expectation that I can't live up to. So, since my brain was bailing out, I said maybe we shouldn't do it again so we could stay friends and don't ruin that. But I also said that it could happen if it was spontaneous (I guess this was a sane part of myself that knew I wanted it).
Anyway, a lot of time went by and we hooked up again. The first time I was drunk and loose, but this time I was sober and it was absolutely great. We didn't talk about it for a while and when we did she told me she was seeing this guy that she really liked and whatever so, again we wouldn't be doing this regularly. But at that point we weren't thinking about doing it regularly, until one day we met and I was being too quiet and she noticed it. So without thinking I told her I really enjoyed kissing her and I wanted more. She had told me she feels very attracted to me and you liked to have me too. Stupid as I am, I told her I was confused because I couldn't see us as a couple and she agreed, but that wouldn't stop us from having a friends with benefits thing. Also she was still seeing that guy and all.
As time goes by I begin to think more and more that we would actually be a great couple. We are the closest friends and we are sexually attracted, so why wouldn't it work?
Now here's something I didn't know: a male friend we have in common actually hooks up with her occasionally too. I guess this shouldn't bother me since we never had anything serious, but man! Hearing him say they fucked was just a deep stab. And that just got me even more confused about how I feel towards her. I mean, I'm being jealous!
I think I felt really disposable after knowing that I just another one of her friends that she uses for pleasure. But that thought doesn't add up to how we interact, me and her... I'm really confused.
I had a lot more going on: not knowing what to do with my life, my anxiety got extremely worse to the point I can't eat anymore, I feel like my friends are drifting away and I have nobody to talk about anything, my family isn't the best... I also had a lot of suffering going on in my teenage years about love and relationships (friends included). Thanks thing with my friend was the final drop to release the tears I've been holding back for years.
Today I woke up too early, shaking, feeling stomach pain and I just bursted in tears. I couldn't stop crying and I'm almost crying again while writing this.
Sorry if it sounds like some bullshit drama, I really don't care right now, because I felt like I needed to get this out of my chest.
Tl;Dr: I hooked up with a friend that hooks up with other friends and I got an avalanche of feelings added up to the feels soup. That made me wake up to cry, something I haven't done in years.
EDIT: To be clear, that's a reeally compact version of what goes on in my brain. I guess many of you will know that since you probably experience similar things. This story is but a glimpse of what's behind it.
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self.depression
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Haven't posted here in a while...think I'm just venting because i know some here will understand. think i came out of a hypo episode and now i'm just mad all the time. First of all, now I'm pissed off that for some reason in my title it kept capitalizing every damn first letter of every word.
But anyway, life.. hasn't been great the last year or so. I was doing so great off my meds (maybe not great, but you know what I mean) that I didn't even realize I was spiraling down. And by life hasn't been so great, I mean I guess I haven't been so great.
It just hit me today. I've been boozing a lot lately, haven't been exercising, been surviving on take out and fast food and spending a lot of money on completely unnecessary stuff. I think I had a hypomanic episode a couple weeks ago and as I usually go deep into depression afterwards I think it further escaped my notice because instead of the usual disassociation, disinterest, apathy, etc... I've just been mad.
Like simmering. Almost all the time. I can deal with being depressed or hypomanic but I hate feeling mad. I just want to run away for a little bit and do some psychedelics and mountain bike and reflect while I'm out in nature but we're running a skeletal crew at work right now so there's no chance of taking time off. And the holidays are right around the corner too and plus more people have planned vacations for November and December...
I'm feeling trapped right now, I guess. I just feel like I need a quick restart again but am now realizing that won't even be possible for another few months. Fuck. Sorry.
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self.bipolar
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Forgot to hide my depression I've been depressed for basically my whole life. Recently it's gotten bad again. I've gotten pretty damn good at hiding it from the world. Until last night when, at a holiday party at my own apartment, I drank too much, basically started crying at the dinner table, went upstairs, blew chunks, sobbed in the shower and went to sleep. While everyone was still there. I feel like I've outed myself to all my friends. Now it's 5 a.m. and I can't sleep cause I'm thinking about the disaster that was me last night.
Some of my friends knew I've been struggling but not most. Has anyone else inadvertently revealed their own depression? How did that go?
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self.depression
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My mother wants so bad for me to "get better" and I just fucking can't [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can't Eat Around Others Recently when I go to school I cannot eat at lunch with my friends or around anyone really. I lose my appetite and sometimes feel naseaus. This is odd to me because I am perfectly fine in most social situations and I can talk and act normal without anxiety but all of a sudden I can't eat around many people unless by myself or with some immediate family. I had this last year a bit but it just went away. It is very frustrating and hinders my ability to go out and be social. Has anyone experienced this kind of thing before and how did you deal with it? I would really like to know because I feel like I have some strange problem.
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self.Anxiety
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I think this will finally do it So I guess this account has become my ventor for my low key fixation on an old ex (officially 4.5 yrs ago since we stopped seeing one another exclusively, 2.5 years since we last spoke) and tonight, for no good reason at all aside boredom, I went an looked her up. Lately I have just been hoping that I would find someone or something that would finally divert my attention from thinking about her occasionally. Well after having a look I discovered she recently moved in with the fella she started dating only a few months after we split. They've been together for 4 years now and I honestly believe they are better suited to each other then me and her would have been fro many, many, reasons. I cannot say I am happy for them per se but I can at least admit that with this step in their life being taken its likely they will go the distance. It made me feel like I am such a distant memory to her that everything I play back in my head about her is just a reel. I haven't been crazy enough to believe we would ever reunite but I guess I just never really imagined this far ahead in life without her. I put myself out there but now life's a bit crazy with work and school and I feel dreadfully lonely most days. My friends are far and few these days and I have no romantic interests that seem interested in return. I am also on the one year anniversary of my break up last November (which I initiated so I don't feel bad at al about that but it feeds into this lonely feeling). But overall I feel like I have finally found the piece of the puzzle that finalizes that older break up. Now I know I will never be with her again and that gives me some much needed closure. I recently hit the big 2-4 so I feel like after this school year I am officially ready to face the world. That being said I still feel isolated (despite my best efforts to hit the gym, eat right, and make time for some friends) and feel I still have no set direction in life. Part of me just wants to move out of town after my lease ends and make a fresh start somewhere else. As I am sitting here I can tell I really don't know how I am processing everything around me but I feel like if my life was a TV show I just reached the end of my second season and want then next one to be a completely different set up. Maybe I am going crazy or something but I feel good. I really cannot complain about anything in life these days, I just miss the companionship of a relationship and feel anxious to find someone soon. That being said it has been 4 years of the exact same feeling with mixed results every time. Maybe that's why I thought back to her so often, she was the first real love I had and every time we ended things we would get back together within days or weeks. I attributed my attachment to this stupid pattern, never really believing we were "done" because she may always come back. It sounds bad I know but that really was my mentality for about 2 years after the breakup and then I just kinda became numb to it until I met my last girl. I really learned to live with and be ok with myself over the last year and just wish I had more free time to work on myself someday and a better job with better hours to make that time. What bothers me now is that I feel I have so much to catch up on. In the last 4 years she managed to get with someone (within months) and stick with him for 4 years and are now literally sleeping in the same bed every night together planning their future. Meanwhile I moped about her for years and haven't even found someone to consider 'the one'. Its not a healthy train of thought and as I said I expect realizing this all will be the biggest push to move forward finally but the thing is I always thought I was moving forward but just thinking back to a time when I last felt secure and happy. Now when I think back on it ll I feel pathetic and sad. Its all about context I suppose.
E: My whole day has been really feeling lousy. I really feel that weight of 4 years of "pity partying" subconsciously suddenly consuming me in dread. I have a decent life by consumer standards (a car, my own apartment, some kind of career path set out in my head) but I just feel so lonely and isolated. Im realizing my work life balance has been off for at least the past 2 years and I have been less and less willing to expose myself to new social situations. Now I just don't know what to do with myself now that I really feel myself letting go of something that I was so emotionally preoccupied with. I don't have many friends who aren't tired of hearing my moping about the same tired heartache and I really do not want to rehash the subject further then this reddit post. I feel like I am free from a distant hope now but have no ambition toward anything now. Im only 24 but I feel like I have let myself down in life now and like there isn't anything I can do to reclaim the lost years, literal years, droning this subject out in my head for innumerable hours.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to talk about my depression and I'm anxious as hell I'm 30 years old, and for a long while have had symptoms of depression (ten years on and off). I've put them off for so long, dismissing them as nothing, thinking that depression is something that happens to other people, that I was just being over the top.
However, the slide downwards in the last 6 months has been too noticeable to ignore. I've lost all motivation, insomnia is reaching untorable levels, I'm perminately exhausted and my sex drive has almost completely diminished.
So in roughly 5 hours, I'm talking about it to a doctor for the first time. And I'm scared. I'm worried that I am completely over reacting. That I'm almost making it up in my head as an excuse for my own failures. Which the rational side of my head finds ridiculous, but I can't lose these thoughts. I'm scared about admitted my troubles to friends and loved ones, who I've had to be a rock for through issues of their own. I'm scared that it's admitting defeat.
But hope that this is the first step to getting better, getting my life on track. Because I'm honestly fucking terrified of what could happen if I don't deal with it now, and what path I could go down.
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self.offmychest
|
People with anxiety/ptsd, how do you get to sleep? I’m struggling with my sleep so much I need some advice. Any time I lie down to go to sleep my brain keeps overthinking about past traumas or just being stressed about everything and no matter what I do it won’t stop. I get so stressed and often have panic attacks all night and it’s affecting my whole life. I only ever sleep when I’m too exhausted to be awake anymore so I can skip the bad thoughts and as a result my sleeping schedule is a disaster and I’m usually asleep all day and awake all night or sometimes I’ll stay awake for days then sleep an entire day so making plans or doing anything with my life is just impossible :( please help!
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self.Anxiety
|
Just leave me alone for 5 minutes. My grandma passed away this morning she was bad ill and we knew it was coming. My husband is treating it like a fucking vacation because he gets 3 days of bereavement plus his normal days off. Making plans on what he wants to do later in the week and what not while I'm just trying to get through the fucking morning. Every time I turn around today he's wanting me to do something for him. Dishes, cook lunch, run to the store, the bank. Wouldn't help me clean out my truck so I don't have to worry about his take-out trash falling out at the cemetery. I just want 5 mins, 5 mins to sit by myself in the living room and just breathe. Is that to much to ask?
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self.offmychest
|
Me being honest. I miss the 2013 version of myself, she was doing marathons, fit, insanely funny and fun to be around. This person i am now? She's serious, rigid, hardened by trauma, cries every night, lonely, damaged from
a stroke, traumatized by cancer (i'm in remission luckily), and doesn't create art anymore. I'm only 22. I am bitter because i see the people who've done me harm in the past happy and thriving and i'm fucking stuck. I'm jealous because people have friends and i dont. I'm bitter but grateful that shit isn't worse but that still doesn't negate how bad everything hurts. I need so much help, i need a therapist to help me sort my sorry ass out, a physical therapist to help me recover from the damage the stroke left on me, a group of friends for the loneliness, maybe more medicine to numb the sadness and anxiety that eats away at me every waking second, and a dietician to help me get back in shape. I'm tired, i'm fighting, maybe not hard enough but i'm fighting for a better life by going to school but even then i'm stressed the hell out. I don't know where i'll be next year but i don't wanna be in the same place with myself. I miss who i was, i'm tired of mourning over my life and myself.
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self.depression
|
My girlfriend is the only thing keeping me from suicide She's the only one that cares, really. She makes me feel loved, and cared about, something my family can't do. I love her so much, and the thought of her crying herself to sleep every night over the loss of me breaks my heart. As much as id like to escape this waking nightmare with death, she keeps me going, and I'm really grateful for her.
|
self.depression
|
I can either have a great new years or stay at home I can either stay at home and drink wit my parents friends which will be shit or I can ride my bike about 4 hours to get to the city where my friends live. Part of that ride includes going over a fucking mountain. Plus, just took a ritalin pill so I'll be fucked after the ride.
|
self.depression
|
Putting pen to paper I am a dead man walking
I’ve been dead since the moment she met me and made me not want to die
Stopped me from pulling the trigger
Stopped me from drawing the knife
Stopped me from tying the noose
Stopped me from stepping off that ledge
Stopped me from everything fading to black
She stopped me yet I still feel dead
She stopped me but I don’t feel alive
She’s the fridge in the morgue keeping my corpse from rotting
She changed my life for the better
She made the sun break through the storm clouds
She opened the cell I locked myself in
She’s the only reason I’m breathing
But for some reason I can’t shake the feeling off
I can’t pull myself from the bottom of the fucking bottle
I can’t stop thinking she’ll leave me like everyone else has
I’m going to end up just like my mother, pushing everyone out of my life and dying in a gutter alone
I’m not the man she needs
And as much as I want to fight the thought, I’m not the man she wants and we both know that
She smiles for me, she laughs with me
But I know that she can see right through me
And she’ll get sick of me sooner than I’ll be able to blink
I’m fat and ugly and gross and all wrong
She tells me I’m not but I can’t let her stay with this disgusting mess
I’d do everyone a favour to be dead and gone
Far away from everyone’s memory
Never to be thought of again
I’m no use to anyone
I’m not even a good soldier my aspiration
I’m terrible at everything
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I love her to much to not hate myself
She deserves and needs so much better than I could ever give her
I wasn’t meant to be loved
I should’ve learnt that when I was a child
Abandoned, beat down, chastised
I should’ve taken the lessons I learned
And disappeared into nothingness
And of all the sins I’ve committed
And the list runs so long that the Devil saves a place
The greatest sin of all
Was meeting her in that bar that fateful night
I can’t tell any of this to you so I wrote it here like an idiot
Begging for pity from myself I suppose
Trying to find words to alleviate my feelings
Stumbling around trying not to breakdown
I’m so sorry Babygirl for everything I’ve done
I’d understand if you don’t believe me
But I truly do love you
And I’m struggling really hard right now
To stick around and show you
I’m sorry I’m sad
I’m sorry I’m weak
I’m sorry I’ve subjected you to my cancerous ways
Poisoned you through my actions and thoughts
Let you think I was worth more than dirt
I’m sorry I’m sick
I’m sorry my brain is wired this way
I’m sorry I’m me
I’m trying so hard
Help me
|
self.depression
|
Social anxiety, or I'm simply more comfortable when I'm not around other people? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Scared of trying effexor Zoloft put me in an ugly mixed state last winter and I'm afraid of that happening again. I'm afraid of the nausea. I'm afraid of the decreased appetite and weight loss. I don't know enough else about it to be scared of anything else. I simply don't know much about it. Please help me understand the drug better and see how others tolerated it.
|
self.bipolar
|
I don't think I can keep going anymore I don't know what to do. I can't get to a place that's quiet. I feel dizzy and numb. The air always seems bad. The furnace downstairs, they leave the door open all day and night because of the fumes. Mybapartment is rightbabove it and thei air always seems bad in here. Opening the window seems worse. And construction for 4 weeks now. There's drilling and saws and hammers. I've had to use my inhaler daily both outside and inside. Typically I might use it a few times each year. It's hard to breathe. I keep sleeping then waking up suddenly because in feel like I'm suffocating. My chest feels constant pressure like something weighs on itbor is gripping it slightly. I taste dust in my throat and nose.
I don't know what to do.
|
self.bipolar
|
I just got engaged We've been dating for over two years. We've known each other our entire lives. I never thought anyone would love/care about me enough to look past my bipolar II, ultra rapid cycling, OCD etc. I'm extremely lucky to have found someone. Just wanted to share the excitement.
Thx guys -
|
self.bipolar
|
Anxiety because of my coach I'm a student and my extracurricular activity in school is judo. I really love the sport loads. But recently, for almost every single training, my coach comes to me and yells at me when I do something wrong. I usually try my hardest to pay attention when he teaches but sometimes when I do it myself I don't seem to get it right. Then my coach comes to my side and yells at me and doesn't even tell me what I'm doing wrong or how to fix it. He just kind of stands by the side and keeps saying I'm doing it wrong. Even though I want to ask him for help, just how intensely he stares at me makes me so stressed out. I understand that he just wants me to get better and he does not have anything personal against me, but his presence makes me so scared. It's getting to the point where I get too anxious to go for training and I might have to quit. What should I do?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Always liking people who don’t like me back? Don’t know why but it seems to happen over and over again. Always into the people who aren’t into me, and feeling like I don’t measure up to their standards.
|
self.offmychest
|
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