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42M - Canada - Message me if you need advice [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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So, here I am I don’t know how to feel. Unfulfilled? Saddened? Stressed? It’s more than that unfortunately. It’s a psychological impairment I can’t rid myself of, it’s every thought that plagues me. I thought I could get better. I tried.
I’ve been working on friendships and relationships, and I do quiet well for myself, I do have relationships, but nothing long term. I’m just not cut out for it.
I was hospitalized twice a while back, the one year anniversary is coming up, and it’s amazing how nothing has changed. I’m right back where I was a year ago. Only this time I don’t wanna jump off a bridge. I’m depressed, I have been for much of my life, but suicide doesn’t seem to be the answer this time around. Kinda saddening actually, it was a way out, and I’ve cut it off.
So I ask myself, why? Why bother living? I don’t know, I don’t see a point in living, but death requires a degree of effort.
I’m still suffering from low self-esteem, urges to self harm, violent emotional episodes, depression, paranoia, anxiety, I still have it all. And I don’t want to live with it anymore. I smoke a lot, that seems to help. In a way, it’s a kind of prolonged suicide, knowingly putting poison into the body.
I’m sick in mind, and I know it. That’s the worst part, knowing you’re fucked up but not being able to change it. Ignorance is bliss, regardless of how you view it.
I may take my life, but that will be a while yet. For know I’m just going to stop eating and smoke, maybe reach out to friends, but in the end, it doesn’t matter.
I’m sorry.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lost, out of place and held back. Alright, it's 7:00 in the morning, and it would be pointless to go to sleep because if I did, I would wake up around 5:00 - 7:00 PM.
Anyway, I get thoughts of y'know.. killing myself at least like.. twice a month. I never act upon it. But I think a couple reasons why I feel like this in the first place is.. well, I don't have a job at the moment. I'm not necessarily looking for one. I'm staying at home, playing video games, playing guitar and drinking. It feels like none of those "activities" are keeping my mind off of suicidal thoughts. Even if I do have a job, I'll still think about it every month.
It feels like my parents are sheltering me too much; keeping me away from doing certain things I wanna do, like.. basically go have fun. Like.. I'm 22 and I feel like I can do whatever I want without them telling me right from wrong. But.. they always say they want the best for me.
If anyone reads this, I'd really be surprised, actually. Anyway, just spoutin' it out that I get like this at least twice a month. To sum it up..
It feels like no matter what situation I'll be in, I feel like I'll never be happy. And I'm never happy in the first place. So.. I don't know, it's confusing. As Layne Staley once said:
"If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead."
That basically sums up what I'm feeling right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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[Hypochondria] Dealing with triggers. I've been much better for a long time, still an up hill battle but no where near as bad as it was... but whenever something new happens health wise its still a struggle to not let it get to me. Last night I experienced what I think was a brief episode of vertigo and I really am doing everything I can not to run to the doctor or jump to conclusions. How does everyone go about prioritizing what is genuine and what is just anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like anxiety is really affecting my marks. I’m posting this to vent and maybe get some advice. Sorry, I’m just really upset right now and I’m not really sure who to talk to.
In high school, I got really good grades. Not that I didn’t study or anything, but I enjoyed getting them and felt confident in myself. Back then, I had the same problem with test anxiety, but my teachers were very lax (to everyone). In any sort of math-based classes, no matter how much I studied, I panic and second-guess myself. But my math teacher didn’t care how long I took and would often stay in class for like three hours just slowly working on it.
Now that I’m in university (and I realize that many teachers wouldn’t have let me do that in high school either) I freeze up during tests and midterms. I’m fine during finals because I have such a long time, but, like today for example, I just can’t handle time restrictions.
I did poorly on my first physics midterm. I fixated on certain parts and did other parts wrong. Though I passed, I found it really discouraging. For my second midterm, I studied all week, and kept up better during the rest of the time. I felt confident before and even when I started.
The questions were pretty simple, I thought, but I just sort of froze. I couldn’t work through the problems because my mind was racing. I tried mindful-thinking and all that, but I just couldn’t focus. I partially finished most of the questions, but I’m really worried I failed.
I’m just not sure what to do to prepare and I’m really scared that I’ll fail. Does anyone have any tips on what I could do to improve my test-taking? Thanks.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm a 23 year-old man, and I still get the chills (the good kind), whenever I watch/listen to the High School Musical 1 soundtrack. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Depression. I consider myself a little bit stronger than most people. Not killing yourself by the age or thirty after being depressed for the last seventeen years is something to be proud of. At least that’s my opinion. The problem is even if i make to 101....i won’t be considered a survivor seeing as how I’m a man and men aren’t allowed to be depressed. No one believes us.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm such a loser No friends. Scammed twice this year already. One for a job and the other on an investment. No money. Can't seem to get myself out of my flat. Approaching 30 this year. What has happened to me..
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self.depression
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Thinking of going... and taking my motorcycle with me. Honestly i'm at the bottom of the pool. Rock bottom i guess. I feel it. I'm in pain again but this time it's different. I can't seem to feel connected to the world or the people in it. I'm in pain again because the same old demons are back to get me. Maybe this time I will give up. I want to be happy but I can't. I keep making bad decisions everyday. I keep drinking and I keep staying with this girl that I don't even know.
I can't pay my phone, I barely have money for food, I am alone and the people that I have around me don;'t or can't help. No family that is reliable. Brothers in jail. I want to be with someone who can support me but the person that I am with right now is just not making me happy. Plus, she's at the bar with someone named "Christine". Who ever the fuck that is. I can't handle this right now. I don't want to be alive.
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self.SuicideWatch
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All i want to do i curl up in a hole and die… i hate how it feels like everyone is leaving when i need them most. That dark shadow is creeping up fast and taking over agin. I’m scared and just don’t know who to turn to. I’m running out of options.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My SO might move away We used to be in a LDR. Then he moved to my country and now he's moving back to his to study. I don't know if I can handle a LDR again, but I can't go on without him. I definitely cannot go with him. He might only be there for a couple of years. He says that it should help "motivate" us instead of feeling down about it. But I don't know. It's going to hurt so much and it's the last thing I needed right now as I'm already feeling lonely.
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self.offmychest
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There is literally nothing anyone can say to me that would convince me to not kill myself today All I've ever wanted is for someone to convince me that life is worth living. But NO ONE can fucking do it. Life is really that fucking bleak.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Influx Wave Anyone else just been sitting down, minding their own business chillin', but then suddenly out of nowhere a tsunami of emotions tears through your body leaving nothing unturned. Then after its passed you wonder what the fuck just happened. yeah, that just happened to me and i just...dont know
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self.depression
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Scared to quit a job for the first time [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My D&D GM sent me an email asking me if I'm ok because I haven't been to sessions lately for various reasons. Not sure how to respond. Should I tell him "No I'm depressed"? I feel kind of weird doing that. I don't really want to drag him down, but I don't want to lie either. The reasons I haven't been to sessions is that it's in the morning and I can't sleep most nights so I'm usually too tired to go, and I've already told him about that but I'm not sure if he believes me or thinks I'm making excuses.
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self.depression
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schoolwork+anxiety I honestly hate writing essays because every single sentence that I write has to be perfect and if it isn't, I will just keep on rewriting it until I think it is perfect. I literally need to write my essays days ahead of the due date because it takes me so long. I don't even bother to proofread because I know if I do then I will spent hours and hours reading over the same sentence to make sure it sounds good and is just right in my eyes.
Also, since I'm now a freshman in college, there is a lot more essay writing and a lot more work so I always feel the need to be doing schoolwork. Once I start a project or something, I need to finish it that particular day because I fear that I will lose my train of thought and then as a result, underperform. And to make matters worse, I spent all these hours doing schoolwork and my grades are subpar.
It's hard for me to join clubs because I fear that I will not have enough of time to focus on my schoolwork and then end up handing in the assignment late (I've always handed in my assignments on time-never once was I late)
I probably posted about this before so I'm sorry if it sounds redundant. Apart from that, I literally do schoolwork all day and I don't allow myself to have fun because then I fear that I will be a bad student/person who does not care about their studies.
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self.Anxiety
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im a self aware narcissist and i hate it i wish I didn't know. but more than that I wish I wasn't. i can see myself manipulating people in third person but I just can't stop. when I don't get what I want and things don't go how I want no matter how much I tried to set it up to be i get upset and lock myself away. like right now. but not before subtly letting someone know where to find me of course, all while under the guise of "wanting to be alone". and then I sit here all sad waiting to be found. it's not fake sadness. i am sad. just not about what I should be. i already have a story in my head. two actually. one is that i was feeling sad and left out. that's what I tell people when they find me "accidentally". this is not entirely untrue. two is that im feeling guilty for manipulating people into this situation. this is entirely untrue. but this story isn't for anyone. it's for me. i run over this story constantly in my head while I wait here alone to be found, desperately trying to convince myself im normal. it's not working. the real story, is that im feeling sad and left out. but only because my manipulation didn't work. that I failed to manipulate people into making me feel less left out. because I don't belong. but once they find me ill bounce back and my emotions will wash away. not because I dont feel alone anymore, but because my manipulation worked, only if for a while.
im so confused. please kill me.
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self.offmychest
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Daily Ramble #1 Hello everyone. This is the first post in what is intended to be a series of random, daily ramblings in which I express my emotional state for the day, regardless as to what particularly crosses my mind--for that is the point. I have no particular expectations when it comes to what comes out of this this. I just wish to prove to myself that I can start something and actually stick to it for as long as possible.
Without further delay, let us begin delving into the state of my mind for the day. Well, today was pretty interesting because I got discharged from the psych ward. After begging the doctors to put me on CNS-type pills (the stuff they give to people who suffer from ADHD) so as to improve my serious concentration problems , I was finally put on Ritalin 10 mg daily. So far so good, I guess?
The tricky thing with my depression is that you never really know if the meds are really working. There's always that doubt lurking somewhere within. There's also the placebo effect and the hopeful optimism that comes with trying any new drug, so it's too early to tell. That said, there are magical moments here and there in which my mind feels stimulated and my concentration is much better than without, so maybe there is a positive effect from the drug after all.
I have been reading two books today. The first is a collection of writings and speeches by Martin Luther King Jr. It's really interesting to look back into that period in American history and see how much progress America has made since then, in no small part thanks to him and his efforts. Although I'm neither Black nor American, I can still very much appreciate the march of progress MLK made possible, and achievement from which I also benefited, as I have been given the opportunity to study in the USA at an esteemed university despite my skin color and my foreign tongue. Though of course, credit must also go to everyone who peacefully and nonviolently protested to realize a most important goal: free opportunity for all.
The other book I've been reading was Undoing Depression by Richard O'Connor. This time I read a chapter concerning Emotions. He discusses how depressives mostly stuff their feelings or deny them, among other strategies they use to avoid confronting their feelings. Soon enough, these feelings become unconscious, causing much suffering without an identifiable cause.
Since this is my first go at it, I'll keep it short. I hope you guys are doing well.
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self.depression
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Are hard drugs worth it? title. I've used ritalin, I drink a fair bit and I've used codeine a couple of times (half legitimate pain killing use half to kill emotional pain) and I want to know if it's worth it to use hard drugs like heroin or cocaine to make living less painful. I'm 17 (just had my birthday on the 16th) and to be honest I don't plan on living past 18 or 19, whenever I have to move out and have responsibilities. I'd rather not use hard drugs but I doubt anything could be much worse than constant suffering. And besides, if I get a heroin contact I could always buy enough to OD on and I've read that's a nice way to go.
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self.depression
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What’s the best and fastest way to kill yourself [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Working in a toxic project/environment...had a good ugly cry at home...feels better
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self.Anxiety
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Do any of you get short, but extreme bursts of euphoria after an anxiety attack? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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To help or not to help? Boarding school troubles I heard the girl in the room next door to me, who has anxiety and panic attacks, have a breakdown today.
We are reasonably close, but I don't know whether to go see if she's ok or just give her some privacy.
What would you prefer? Or what do you think she might prefer?
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self.Anxiety
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University student, frustrated, depressed, going nowhere in life, not optimistic I'm 21 years old, studying statistics at university. I’ve been in school for the past 3 years, and due to mental illness and depression, I *still* have a few years left before I graduate. When I’m not living on residence, I’m mooching off my parents at home. My grades aren't good enough for any internship or work, and I have no useful skills besides the (very basic) computer programming I’ve been teaching myself. I’m applying to jobs at McDonalds and Starbucks now because that’s all I can get. Over the past 3 years, I have made about 3 good friends here at school. It's depressing to watch everyone else get jobs, travel, and have fun with friends. I may sound entitled or immature, but right or wrong, I am jealous of them.
All my plans for the near future have been derailed because I attempted suicide when I was 18. Life didn’t get better. My biggest regret is that I didn’t go through all the way.
People say that life is long, but for me, the days go by so quickly and I'm getting nothing done. I feel like I'm at least 3 years behind in life. Someday I’ll turn 24, and what if I’m still stupid and living with my parents then? I've got nothing to proud of.
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self.offmychest
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Have a feeling that i make all of my family members suicidal because of my depression. i feel numb I feel so Numb and tired 24/7
Why cant i just disappear?
My mum seems to be always sad, i just wanna leave this world but i dont want to make my family sad when i would commit suicide.
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self.depression
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Support animal? I’ll try to get right to the point with this. I suffer from depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I am alone most days and am pretty much confined to my bed, no school, work, or friends. I’ve been seeing a therapist and considering different treatment, excluding medication, and have come to the realization that what I think is best for me is a support animal. I live in an apartment with my boyfriend and another couple who already have two dogs (max limit for animals stated in our lease) and another (secret) cat so I have been avoiding the idea of a support animal (trying to stay on good terms with landlord) until tonight.
Tonight, in particular, was hard for me, sleep-wise, due to my boyfriend being sick and constantly getting up to vomit (tmi sorry). I finally was able to sleep after taking melatonin, but was woken by him several times and realized that I couldn’t take it any longer (or the smell) and went to sleep on the couch. I realize that this is an asshole-ish move of me to abandon him while he’s sick, but he does try to understand what I’m going through and honestly, depression has turned me into a bit of a dick.
Either way, I end up on the couch, unable to sleep, still, and start thinking those terrible thoughts (suicidal and all) about myself and my life that I always do and begin to feel INCREDIBLY alone. So alone, that I’m almost to the breaking point, when I hear a door creak and see the cat hop onto the side of the couch and immediately run to my lap like she was sent from some Devine being to do so. I couldn’t keep from bursting into tears. The immediate sense of relief that came over me was insane. She is still here by my side and hasn’t left once since I started crying, but honestly I don’t know if I’d be here right now if she hadn’t come..
Anyway, I’m thinking about suggesting a support animal as a kind of treatment to my therapist, but scared to do so because of how many people I know that have abused the system. I don’t want to come off like that, but as bad as I’ve been feeling lately, I want some sort of relief soon so I don’t keep feeling like I had tonight before the kitty showed up. I need advice on what to do at this point. Suggestions? (Please be nice)
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self.depression
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Feel like I don't even deserve to post here [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Not me, but I think a friend of mine is starting to be depressed Good evening everyone, I think a friend of mine is showing signs os depression and I have no idea of how I should act with her other than being a good listener to whatever she has to say.
Let me just say that this human being is one of the kindest, most intelligent, and sweet people I think I ever met. She can’t stand up for herself very well, which made her an easy target for bullying. She is also a bit overweight, so I think that doesn’t help...
Well, yesterday I found out that she was not only suffering from verbal bullying, but from physical as well until last year. Of course I had no idea, even though she claimed she did not remember her bully’s name I think that she is just lying because I probably know that person... She also told me that her parents didn’t give her the support she needed and was a bit upset when she told her mum what had happened and her bullying story and all she had to say was “Well, a lot os kids suffer from that”. She also claims that her parents don’t pay attention to her at all and everything is just focused on her brother, who she usually takes care of when she gets home from school.
Adding to that, a few weeks ago we received a test which didn’t go well for anyone really. Notice that this girl is super intelligent and usually gets really high marks, so when she received her grade (a 54%) she started crying a lot, and when we got outside she told me (after a while) that she even had suicide thoughts when she received the damn test...
Besides, she has told me and a friend of ours that she felt dumb and that most of the time she didn’t feel anything. After my and my other friend told her that she could count on us to whatever, she started crying and said that talking about herself made her want to cry...
There are also lots of other situations that happened, but right now, I just wanted some advice. I don’t think she is okay, even though sometimes that what she tells us. I’d just like to know what I should do, because I’m lost.
Sorry for the long post or for any grammar mistakes there might me. English isn’t my first language.
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self.depression
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im scared im gay... i dont want to come out because my family will hate me for it... a close friend of mine... i know he is too... but i cant tell him for fear hell tell everyone i know... im scared what do i do?
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self.offmychest
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My Partner and I suffer but she's taken a downturn and now I'm concerned I should start by saying I suffer with depression. I still have times were it is worse than others but largely since my teenage years I've learned how to cope and manage things a lot better. Reason I mention this it plays into my problem.
For the length of my relationship we've been candid with each other about suffering with mental health and our past histories in struggling with it. We have also had our fair share of moments with have aggravated it more, so to speak, but as such we've always been there for each other as any couple would.
However, recently seems to have just nosedived to a point where I'm seriously concerned for her mental well being. I'll give a brief outline to give some overall context.
As well as her mental health she has suffered recently physically as well. Various doctors appointments have amounted to nothing so far and (at time of writing) we are waiting on an MRI to hopefully get a formal diagnosis on what we believe is crohns disease. She has openly admitted to me that the constant belief by the doctors she has seen that she is lying has worn thin on her. I can see she is in pain but as a young woman she is often told its nothing and is part of the course (is this normal?)
We've tried dieting etc as well to no avail she still has the same pains which leads us to crohns after speaking with people with the disease.
Secondly is work related, both mine and hers. She was hired through an agency to work for the company she now works for. She's highly intelligent and overqualified but the area we live in the oppurtunities for her line of work aren't great. Her company wont take her on permanently due to budget and as such she feels trapped as she fears no one would take her on anyway. She is vastly underpaid compared to employees in the same position due to her being agency employed initially.
I work in sales and have been screwed with a paycut in commissions for 6 months (which I should say means I am leaving interviews pending) causing money issues.
I know what personally I would do in this scenario and have tried talking with her as its normally at the very least managed with her in the past but this time she's almost closed off to it. She's quite a proud person and quite introverted so as much as work has suggested taking time off and getting help she's been adamant in not doing anything until she at least knows her physical health. I feel bad as I'm the only person she speaks to out of work meanwhile I have hobbies outside which don't always involve her (they used to but health issues got in the way)
I'm just stuck with nowhere to turn. I need anyone's help
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self.depression
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Latuda is my wonderdrug It isn't perfect yet but after a year of hardcore trying and 3 years of meds in general I'm more stable than I thought I'd be. I'm not as depressed, my appetite is normal, my anxiety is more manageable. Pain in the patootie having to eat so much with it but otherwise I don't have problems with it and I'm super sensitive to meds. It's expensive as all hell but pretty soon I'll hit my out of pocket max and it won't matter.
What was Latuda like for you?
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self.bipolar
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I underestimate my anxiety I always think about situations before I go out somewhere. I think I'll being able to handle it well, but it turns out be pretty bad. I can't contain my anxiety,I start shaking and can't speak properly. It makes me feel like a child. The medication I'm on doesn't seem to do anything about it either. I probably just have to find the right meds and dosage, but the past couple of months have been pretty awful. I just want to be normal.
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self.Anxiety
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The past 4 or 5 times I've been to the guitar store I've had to leave because of anxiety attacks. So I've been playing guitar for a year now and it's helped me in general so much. I'll always look forward to going to guitar center or some place like that because it's fun to try out new guitars and new gear and it's usually helpful for me to be able to try something before I go get it. The trouble is that usually when I get there my mind completely shuts down regarding what I should play and the longer I'm in there the more the panic sets in. It has nothing to do with being afraid of playing in front of people because I play in front of people pretty often with no nerves at all and the most I've played in front of was probably 300-400 people at a Christmas Eve service. I've even gotten compliments before and had a guy next to me at Guitar Center start jamming along with me.
So I don't know why I freeze and can't think of what to play to try something out even if I'd just practiced something beforehand and I don't know why it's become such a stressful experience going somewhere I enjoy. I usually buy online but I'm looking to buy a bass guitar or a new electric and those things you need to feel and try before you buy it so I have to go in there. Anyone have any tips at all?
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self.Anxiety
|
Mind if I speak for a moment, please? It's been quite a while since I've been on here. Things did get better for a little bit, but I'm starting to feel myself not being able to handle these emotions again. Anxiety, depression, and not feeling disgusted with myself.
It's been a few months now since I've cut my heart away from someone who loved a lot, but the situation just wasn't right and I couldn't take it anymore. Then my friends were becoming depressed, and it kind of all took a toll on me a little.
After a while though, things really started to turn for the better. I was feeling better, my friends were getting better. But now, things feel like they're going back to where they were.
I had recently been talking to that someone again, but I really didn't think much of it. All friend chatter, beside 2 occasions where we said we missed each other. But again, I tried not to think of anything about it that much.
Now fast forward to right now and what I really meant to have this post to be about. I've started having these really nice new friends recently. I've become such good friends that they've invited me to come with them to this party. But rejected the invitation. I don't usually like parties and I was always introverted when it came to friends and things of such. But ever since that someone, I've become afraid of opening up and putting in effort into friendly relationships that might work, but I just don't want to put in that effort. I'm afraid for no reason or reasons that I think are reasons. They really are such nice people.
I feel terrible for though. I want to be friends with them, but only enough to be a good friend and nothing more. I was all about being the best friend I can be before that someone. But now it's tough and I've become more introverted and antisocial than before. They were really pushing me into going and they kept saying it would be fun. I believe them, but I just can't. It doesn't help that my depressed friends with who've I known for years and that I talk to one everyday and the other depressed friend occasionally, are the only ones I really try and put that effort in of being an amazing friend to them. I'm just use to them like that. They hold some of the final things that really made me....me. I want to try to be me again, but it's hard worrying about my depressed friends. Especially with the one I talk to daily. I love talking to her, but I feel like I'm constrained to her in a way. She could careless and she's used to being alone. But, I don't want that. I feel so conflicted. I really like my new friends, but I can't be the friend I really want to be. I don't feel like I can with them because I have to try again. It makes me feel so weak for feeling this way.
I'm afraid of getting hurt or betrayed and feeling like I wasted time hanging out with them and
not hanging out with who I know is close to me already.
It also really doesn't help that one of my new friends is this girl I think I'm starting to have feelings for. At first I wasn't really attracted to her...but her kindness and who she is as a person is so tender and kind and loving. I would try, but she's kind of younger than I am. 4-5 years difference. I'm still healing too and I don't want to make the choice because it's just some comfort I haven't felt in what it feels like forever. I don't want to go after it for any wrong reasons. When it comes to that though, I don't mind putting in the effort. Which is weird and I don't understand why. I rather have 1 really close person, than having 100 people that know my name or kind of know who I am. I'm a sucker for love I guess.
I would try to muster of somehow telling her how I feel. But that brings a lot of potential bad things. I just can't see how I would function with her if it was just the two of us. It's not because I can't do stuff like that or try to be interesting. I've just forgotten or lost how to because of that someone. She's really shy when it comes to that stuff and I am too sort of.
It just makes me feel it's some much easier when you don't have to worry about more than 2 friends. It's just makes me feel it's better to being back to being somewhat a lone.
I know I need to work on myself, but my desires grow and get me to this point in a sense. But I have to try to stop myself before it's too late before I feel like I'm to deep into things. I don't know...
Thank you, whoever you are, if you read all of this. I'm sorry if some of this just was confusing. It's almost 3 AM and I couldn't sleep. Thank you for your time to read this
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self.offmychest
|
What is bipolar with psychotic features? I always thought that it just meant bipolar I. Am I missing something here? Is it schizoaffective? I'm kinda confused...
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self.bipolar
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Any suggestions on how to clean get the energy to clean your house? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I have a really bad urge to slit my wrists and die right now I decided to go on midnight of New Years Eve, end this year but not start a new year. I've gotten drunk two nights in a row and honestly I don't know why I don't just go right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else feel depressed when things change? Even what should be a happy change? Last night I bought a new car and I love the car itself! My old was was a beater and I'm getting rid of it. So this should be a happy time right?
Wrong. My depression has gone into overdrive. For some reason, I can't process any kind of change without feeling so sad I'm almost sick. Even if the change is a good thing. Why am I like this?
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self.depression
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I'm poor and I am extremely jealous of/resent everyone else who isn't. My family is actually quite wealthy. 80k a year for basically a two person household, and we live in a super low cost area. Trips to Europe twice a year, expensive stuff all around the house, mother has the finest jewelry, you name it.
But I, personally, grew up poor. Because even though I could have lived normally like other kids, I didn't. My mother literally provided me ONLY what was essential to survival; food, shelter, and water. I'm not exaggerating when I say ONLY the things essential to survival... she doesn't even buy me sanitary pads for my period, because that's something I can technically survive without. I could literally pack all of my belongings into one grocery bag because I own practically nothing outside of a few shirts, a tablet and pencils. On top of not being given money by my mother, I am not allowed to work as long as I live under her roof because it's "dangerous." So I basically grew up dirt poor. All the clothes I own are hand-me-downs, which was my biggest insecurity for the longest time (still is just not as much), because my classmates would always ask me why I wore the same clothes every day, or why they looked so ugly. I actually don't mind those comments, but I would've felt better if they called something that I chose and bought ugly rather than something I couldn't control wearing.
This also made school torturous. My teachers used to get angry at me in elementary school because I never showed up with school supplies, and even now I feel silly constantly having to ask people for a sheet of notebook paper; everyone thinks I'm just irresponsible, but I actually can't afford it. I can also never hang out with my friends because they always want to go to cafes and shit, and it's always so much torture to me, sitting there with my empty bottle of tap water, having to smell and watch them eat good food and drink good drinks that I never even get to try once. It also just stripped out a big part of my childhood since I've never been able to go to a theater, or a mall, or any place that costs money ever.
Over time this turned me into a super envious and bitter person. I have to fake being happy for my friends any time they excitedly tell me about the new clothes they bought, or how they're going out to eat. It doesn't help that a lot of people like to constantly online-shop, and will keep asking me, "hey, should I buy this or this?" It was worse because most of those people KNEW my situation, and I couldn't tell if they were just fucking dumb or if they didn't care that they knew this was torture to me. I was angry. Angry that I couldn't join clubs at school that I really enjoy and would have been a good addition to, like Science Olympiad, just because I didn't have the fucking money. Angry that I couldn't eat good food, ever, because I didn't have the money. Angry because people will often ask to hang out, but say, "oh, by the way, it costs $5 to go" and be persistently confused when I say I can't afford it, saying, "oh, come on, you're telling me you DON'T have 5 dollars? bullshit." Angry because even now, when college is rolling around, I can't apply because I don't have the money.
My life is so miserable right now purely because I don't have money, and I just can't help but feel bitterness towards all my friends that aren't poor. And even the ones that are legitimately poor are still better off than me, because at least they can work, so they can still afford to dress the way they want and occasionally eat good food. At this point I'm just waiting until I turn 18 so I can finally work and get some fucking money. I don't want to be rich. I just want to be financially stable AND have enough to pursue hobbies/eat good once in a while. Which is like, the majority of other teenager's lives.
Ugh. I'm just so salty about this and I hate my attitude.
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self.offmychest
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well I'm in for a lot of stress and anxiety untill my useless doctor gets back from his vacation the pharmacy didn't give me the prescribed amount of anxiety and ptsd medication when I went (my doctor prescribed an extra 2 weeks worth and they refused to give it to me) i have to go 2 fucking weeks before I can feel "normal" again because the pharmacy is full of people who don't care about people who are struggling with mental illnesses all they care about is getting payed
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self.SuicideWatch
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What the actual F I spent hours and hours on work and made it very detailed for college, referencing all my work to government websites explaining everything in great detail. Only to scrape a fucking pass, honestly thinking about shooting up the school and killing the fucking shitty tutor. She such a fucking cunt, like i done everything she said to do and i got a PASS. We had 1v1 feedback session and she said all these fucking things she never told to anyone when explaining what to fucking do.
Fucking so pissed off
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self.depression
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She takes away a bit of her heart everyday Update: takes away a bit of MY heart everyday.
I don’t know how she does it.
She [30F] broke up with me [25F] 8 weeks ago today. It was so so emotional. And I still am. She told me I was her BEST friend. We were before we dated. We spent a lot of time hanging out. Laughing. Cooking out. Spending time at work together. Then we started dating. And now, we tried to be friends. I’m not ready to see her with someone else but I want her in my life. I love her so much still, I am still IN love with her. We were getting on at work, laughing as much as we could.
Last night, I went to pick up my final things, my drum set from her condo. I thought it would be simple. But she gave me my keys back and I gave hers back. We both cried. We both said that what we had was great, it just took a turn. But it was followed by her telling me we can’t be friends anymore. After breaking up with me but telling me I was her best friend, to seeing her shut me out and now telling me we can’t be friends. She just breaks a piece of my already broken heart everyday. I’m trying to stay together but I’m just falling apart and when I think I have put a tiny bit of my heart back together she breaks it. I just can’t do this. I’m hurting so much and I love her. I just wish she’d see how badly I’m hurting. How much I miss everything about her. I’m just sad.
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self.depression
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literature? anyone read any books on the subject of bipolar disorder that they have found beneficial?
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self.bipolar
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lol why tf does smiling hurt like now I feel guilty for smiling. nvm the fake ones ish, but fuck. haha. ugh. why am I still alive.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate talking on the phone, I'm pretty sure it's my anxiety kicking in. The awkward quiet moments drives me nuts. Anyone else experience this?
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self.Anxiety
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If I had a gun right now I would pull the trigger smiling [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Cymbalta and anxiety? I'm not sure if anxiety is the right word. So I've been on Cymbalta for about 3 weeks 20mg. I was in a mixed episode and we made some big med changes. I was on lamictal and celexa and now I'm on depakote and cymbalta. I am taking extended release depakote at night and the cymbalta in the morning. I just feel... jittery and unable to concentrate within 30 minutes of taking the cymbalta and it lasts until the late afternoon. It's seriously impacting me at work. I'm also going to school online and I can't concentrate on that either. Sure, I don't have anything really engaging happening in either of those areas right now and I'm ADD so having issues concentrating isn't a total shocker but its different.
I even feel like its impacting the little things I do. Like I can't concentrate properly when driving or just trying to get ready in the morning I struggle going through my regular routine. (Being ADD I have always been pretty reliant on routine so I don't forget things.)
I have been taking the depakote longer than the cymbalta which is why I think it's the culprit. Since this combo I have started coming out of the episode and I don't want to mess with that, but 20mg is the lowest dose and I don't know if I can live like this. I need to be able to work and get my schoolwork done. It's also only been 3 weeks. What are people's experiences? Do you think it will even out?
Yes, I will be talking to my doc. But it's nice to know what other people have actually experienced!
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self.bipolar
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Kee getting bullied over my nationality. Been going on for a while. Feel like it’s weighing me down. Any advice/help please? So i’m Pakistani, born and raised in America, and in school i’ve experienced some teasing for being Pakistani. However, this one guy in particular keeps saying nasty things and making fun of me being Pakistani and Pakistan in front of me.
The guy doing this is Greek and is insanely prideful about Greece and being Greek. He says things like “Pakistan is a hellhole” and says it’s a terrorist country. He also says that barely anyone would travel to Pakistan and everyone travels to Greece and how it’s one of the biggest tourist spots. He also said some things like Greek girls are seen as hot by everyone and Pakistanis are stereotyped as ugly and how Americans hate Pakistan and like Greece. He even pulled up a video of Greeks attacking Pakistani/Muslim migrants in Greece and said “this is how we treat you.”
I’ve fired back at him sometimes but honestly the things he’s said have made me very angry and upset. Unfortunately it’s also hurt my self-confidence and made me not like my nationality a bit. How can I fire back at him? What should I do/say? Is there any way to not have this make me feel like my nationality is inferior? (What makes these feelings worse is that his nationality is celebrated where I live; people and even teachers ask those with Greek names if they’re Greek out of interest/admiration... definitely can’t say the same for my nationality).
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self.offmychest
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200ft should be enough, hopefully. There is a bridge in my city that towers 200ft above the water at its peak. Apparently this should be enough to kill myself upon impact if I can get the angle right. I'm nervous I'm gonna fuck up and have to deal with worse disabilities than I currently have. I don't know why im putting this here. Maybe somebody cab point me in a less potebtially debilitating but equally effective way of doing it?
Edit: is anyone familiar with livestreaming? I want to broadcast my jump, and send the link to a few specific people to let them know how they contributed to my death. As such I was wondering if the video will save itself so anyone who clicks the link gets the video of me jumping?
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self.SuicideWatch
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my cousin hung himself last night. he was 18. just graduating high school. he had two loving parents and a loving older sister and a large loving extended family. he had been struggling with depression for years now. he has been in and out of the hospital a few times in the last year or two, but he had never attempted suicide before. I used to speak with him about depression a lot because no one else in his family really experienced it the way that we both have. he seemed a lot like me when i was his age. confused, angry, scared, insecure, depressed, hopeless. i thought i understood how he was feeling and i used to talk to him a lot about how i felt when i was his age. he always seemed to feel better when i made it clear that he was not alone. that he wasn't abnormal or strange. that people didn't love him less because of how he was. that we all loved so much and he wasn't hurting us because of how he was. i tried to be there for him when i could. i just didn't know that he felt this desperate. i didn't see how deep his depression was. we were all trying everything we could to help him. his parents would support him in so many activities and take him to therapy and do everything that they could to get through to him. i think he felt like an outcast from his family because of how different he was from them. i tried to make it clear that comparisons to other people don't matter. that he wasn't "worse" or hurting his family. that the way he felt was not his fault and that we all loved him so much. i don't know if i did enough. i don't know what else i could have done.
i don't know what to do. i feel overwhelmed with a sadness that i'm not used to. I don't know if I could handle what his mother and his father and his sister are going through. i keep thinking about them and i cry. i just don't know.
my parents told me just a few hours ago. i didn't see this coming and i feel like i'm in shock. like i was punched in the chest and yet i feel numb but i'm somehow sitting under an avalanche of pain that is collapsing on me, but it hasn't hit me yet. i don't know what to do. i can't even decide if i want to sit down or stand up or break furniture or get drunk or talk or not talk. i don't know how to handle this. i love him so much. i wish i did more. i wish he was here now and i could do something to stop this. i feel so utterly helpless.
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self.bipolar
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Do any of you feel this? At night time when you feel like everyone around you is sleeping, you suddenly are wide awake with thoughts of the little petty things that you could do and get done while everyone else is sleeping. You get so stuck in your thoughts until you realize that you are manic and need sleep more than anything?
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self.bipolar
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Need someone to talk to Currently sleep deprived from paranoia. Almost certain that I’m hallucinating feel like shit just need to vent I want this all to just end
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self.SuicideWatch
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Stop laughing on me Yes I know I'm stupid, yes i know im slow, yes i know im weak and yes I know this amuses you but can you just please move on.
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self.depression
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I got sent to a psych ward on Saturday. I was sent because of suicidal ideation. I stayed for 5 days. They were some of the most monotone days of my life. I came in hopeless and thinking that all they could do is give me medication. I came out with a sense of hope but still with my depression around. I just needed to tell someone. I will provide any details if anyone asks.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Getting closer and closer to the date I set at 15 When I was 15 I was horribly depressed. The only thing that stopped me from killing myself is talking myself into believing that because I was 15 I hadn't even given life a chance. I wasn't allowed to kill myself until I was 25. That would give me 10 years to figure out if life really was worth living or if I should just end it. This is the only way I talked myself out of killing myself, and it actually helped me force myself to get help when I kept trying to push the date closer and closer to my age at the time and I realized I really needed help or I would kill myself in a month.
The problem is now I'm 22. 7 years have passed and I have nothing to show for it. I'm an absolute fuck up and worse than where I started. I blew all my college money failing and dropping out and then reapplying etc etc. I have no friends I can see in person on a regular basis that I actually like or look forward to. I don't trust my actual friends much with telling them my actual emotions and shit because I don't want to be a joke or someone pitied. I had to move back in with my parents after my first major college fuck up and I've been here longer than I can stand and I feel pathetic. I have no money saved up and my parent's constant financial issues of their own cause me massive guilt. I got a job recently where I make decent money, but it's dull work and a soulless office job, but I guess that's okay because it's not like I have any passion or desire to do anything in life anyways. I'm also horribly obese and ugly, and the only relationship I've ever been in is when I was 16 and emotionally manipulated by an older man online. I've really tried to put myself out there and find hobbies, but nothing is that interesting. I play dnd with friends and video games on my own, but even these things aren't that great.
I'm ranting, but I guess what I'm getting at is I'm just in disbelief at how close I finally am to the date I set. I'm less than 3 Years to 25. My life has gone downhill since I was 15, and my time to become happy is coming to an end. At least the date has a calming effect. There's something comforting to be able to go "fuck it I'm going to kill myself in x years anyways".
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel as I have failed at everything in my life. I got fired today. My gf is saying she doesn’t want to live with me anymore. I am undereducated and have never been able to hold down a minimum wage job. I have ambitions and fantasize about doing something with my life but I feel as if I will either fail or I simply don’t have the money to go to school and be something. I am already in debt from a tech school and have not been able to find any kind of employment in the field I trained for. I can not imagine a future beyond working in fast food joints. I have some people I see sometimes but no close friends in the city I live. No one I feel I can talk to. If my gf leaves I will have no one left to talk to or spend time with. I don’t want to lose her. Life feels like it’s just disappointing, lonely, and humiliating. I’ve had mental health care before and found the treatments to be horrifying. I don’t know what to do. I just want someone hear how I feel.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need some some eyes on this So, I'm 19 years old, living at home, going to college with the potential of getting a really good GPA, transfering to an established university tuition free and landing a lucrative job. My parents are both supportive, and most of the time I wake up feeling fine. I have a psychiatrist for several mood disorders, but I think I'm there because I've did not know how to control my temper/impulses as a child. I'm better at now.
Now the problem is this random crippling depression. Yesterday I went to Broadway to see a renowned play, dined at a fancy resteraunt in NYC but I couldn't enjoy any of it. I felt physically uncomfortable inside my own body. I have decent self of steem but I felt like there was something in my brain preventing me from enjoying the moment, as I have always done for the past 19 years. My depression isn't constant, for example right now I feel pretty stable although I wouldn't say happy. But over the course of the day, I'll regress into states of mind that make me want to be either a.) Asleep or b.) Dead. I'll have to hold back tears of sadness for no reason whatsoever. I've informed my family and psychiatrist about these mood swings - I'm not ashamed of them, I just want them to stop.
I've lost interest in most things I used to love - now the only thing I look forward to is sleep. I'm not afriad to die, but I wouldn't kill myself unless there was no hope of getting better.
I've been reading many posts on here, and a common theme is you all have good reasons for feeling the way you do. My depression is completely random. I'd also just like someone to talk to.
Thanks.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am not meant for the world. I've tried a lot of shit to change this but then, I have dietary issues, mental issues, physical problems, sadness, and I've tried a lot but I couldn't just be better. I'm just not meant to live.
Even when I had a therapist. :(
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self.depression
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Upper management will feel my wrath I’m a senior in high school and I’ve worked at my local Walgreens for over a year now. Like most retail environments there are often staff changes and loads of drama. For the first half of my time, I had the greatest assistant manager. She worked hard, respected my work ethic, and really valued me as a team member.
Fast forward to last summer and a new assistant manager comes along. She’s about 23, has the attention span of a squirrel, and really milks the part of her job that allows her to delegate tasks to all of the employees on my level.
Some more background, I scored the highest on my evaluation in the whole store, I generally work over 24 hours a week paired with intensive AP classes at school, and really put a lot of passion into my work as simple as it is.
Lately though, I’ve been working more shifts with the assistant manager and her work style is driving me insane. She delegates a ridiculous amount of pointless tasks on me, disregards the nightly responsibilities that I’m supposed to do, and criticizes me behind my back when I confront her about prioritizing important projects and delegating them appropriately. The other day I heard from one of my good friends that the assistant manager was saying that she delegates so many projects to me because if she doesn’t I’ll just walk around doing nothing. Hearing this invoked an inner wrath in me that I almost couldn’t control. I never fuck around at work. I save that for my lunch break and company paid 15 minute breaks. If I’ve run out of things to do I work the walk in cooler, freezer, organize and clean the stock room, sweep the sales floor, fix little problems around the store that are visually unappealing, or just about anything productive.
I’m angry because the care for my fellow employees, regular customers, the company, and the experience was taken a shit on. I don’t have to work, but I feel like I make positive differences and it feels really good. The stress of juggling it all has led me to seeing a therapist for the past two years, psychiatrist, and unfortunately some self medication at stressful times. It crushed my sense of value and appreciation.
Should I confront her about this? Obviously it really struck a chord with me, and it is mentally anguishing just to keep it in my head.
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self.offmychest
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Do you miss me sometimes too? I thought it had been two years since I last dreamed about you, but it’s actually only been about 6 months.
Like what am I supposed to do? We don’t know each other any more. I haven’t seen your face in person in almost nine years. I am married and have made my life better, but whenever this happens I feel like it’s 2009 all over again.
We were so very young. Does that discredit our love? You were my first real boyfriend. Do you feel this way sometimes too? I wish there was a way to find out. I can’t contact you.
I’m not even sure if it would be helpful to know. And I know this feeling of pain and regret will fade. But then in a few months I’ll be back here, and I’ll be writing again about how much I miss you.
I don’t even know what to wish for anymore. I don’t want this to stop because I don’t want to forget you, but I don’t want to be in pain like this. It’s not fair. But they never promised it would be fair I guess.
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self.offmychest
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First post here, just wanted to vent some thoughts outta my head. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I’ve lost my desire to have anything to do with him sexually. It’s not just him. I love him. He has an amazing you know what. And the last time I recall, it felt really amazing. I remember being into kinky stuff. And then after that, it disappeared. My drive. My desire. I don’t know what happened and it’s causing problems..
It’s embarrassing to talk to anyone about this. But I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and went to my doctor.
It’s a thing.
It’s really a thing. To have lost it. To never want anything to do with anything sexual.
It’s a disorder.
I’ve been depressed ever since.. And I’ve only asked him to be patient and loving as he always is. That things might go back to normal.
It’s been almost two months. I’ve tried things. Fantasies, porn, pills. They don’t help and I’ve honestly gave up.
He knows I have. He’s frustrated. We are getting into fights. And I’m not sure what else to do.
I don’t care what people think about this. If it’s stupid or if it’s too dirty to even talk about it.
I wanted it to get off of my chest.
And damn.. Do I feel better.
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self.offmychest
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Pill box suggestions? I'm looking for a more idiot proof pill box, and was hoping yall would have suggestions. I currently have this one that holds both morning meds and night ones in the same organizer for 7 days. Morning is blue, night is purple. I fucked it up today and took the night meds in the morning. Anyone have a better idea? Because this means I totally missed the synthroid dose and that's bad news lol.
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self.bipolar
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Do you get euphoric when manic? If you dont mind, tell us more [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Sometimes I piss people off just to get some attention. [deleted]
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self.depression
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School is killing me please help I go to a famous high school for gifted students. It requires you to take an entrance exam on the major that you choose. Things have been going well last year, but now when I am in my second year, school just makes me feel so freaking depressed. I couldn't catch up recently in some classes, especially maths and chem. I almost never have to worry about my grades or my academic abilities until now. The lessons are too difficult to understand, the teachers talk too fast and they seem to ignore me when i say that i don't get it. Probably because there are some other students in my class that are so much better than me and they can always answer the questions somehow. I have good marks at the beginning of the terms, but it has been going downhill since then.
I did fucking terrible on the chemistry exam today. I studied so hard the night before but i just can't do it. I feel so disappointed in myself when everyone in class was exchanging answers and i cant do that because i cant even figure out anything. I just cried my ass out because i can't stop thinking about my grades. I can't talk about this with anyone, cause i talked to my parents and they just keep on blaming me. I can't talk to my friends either, because all of them are basically good at everything, they took that test and they did great so I don't want to drag them down.
Now I want to end my life here. I don't want to deal with any problems in my life anymore. I don't want to deal with my parents' expectations, the pressure they put on me to get into a good university and get a scholarship anymore. It's too overwhelming. I don't want to feel embarrassed when my friends know about my grades. I fucking hate my life. Why am I so pathetic? School is hell to me now. I'm seriously thinking about running into a car and things could end here, every pain could just end right here without struggle.
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self.depression
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I used to cry every night, now I don't. [deleted]
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self.depression
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My dad, in his crusade to keep me out of the house, took me to a gigantic restaurant with crowds of people and blaring music. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Tapering off I was taking 100 mg of Lamictal and 50 of Topiramate. I noticed a lot of fogginess and lack of motivation even on my good days and other side effects, so I have begun the process of tapering off both medications starting yesterday.
I know this is not the right path for everyone, but ultimately I would like to be med free and managing my disorder through clean eating, exercise, and tracking the good and bad days and triggers. I feel like I’ve held myself back from a lot of opportunities and experiences in fear of falling back into “bad habits” when really I should have taken the experience and ran with it and managed anything that came about after, because they were not life threatening or bad experiences.
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self.bipolar
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Tegretol xr? I need to add a mood stabilizer on to the Wellbutrin I already take, but I have issues with many medications. I am allergic to Lamictal, Geodone, and Haldol, and Seroquel and Respiridone caused me rapid weight gain. My doctor suggested 100mg Tegretol Xr. I am absolutely terrified of any weight gain. Has anyone experienced weight gain or loss on Tegretol?
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self.bipolar
|
I need help finding a therapist I posted a few days ago about how I was one disaster away from losing what bit of my mind I have left and that disaster has happen. I can't even sit here and do my work properly as all the problems in the world continue to pile up and I am unable to handle them all. I feel ill every moment of everyday and I know I'm getting closer to the trigger. I can't see myself making it even through the next few months.
I want to do what is right to at least prove what is wrong. I know a therapist can't help me as I used to see them in the past. They only get upset and lose their own will to live when they hear me.
Until I've seen a therapist, I cannot get anyone to take me seriously or want to help. There is a chance that even after I do all this, no one will be willing to help. However, at least then I can rest in peace knowing I did all I could.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Processing You held a gun in your hand with the wide haunting look in your eyes. I could see the fear deep in them. You stood there in your underwear in the kitchen. Holding a gun in your hand. Earlier, you looked at me. Stared at me like I was there to hurt you. You looked at me with fear and told me I was lucky you didn’t have a gun.
You told me to leave. So I did. Drove away. I left pieces of me there. I want them back because I feel so empty now. I don’t want to see you. Don’t want to know you anymore. I’m embarrassed by you. By what you represent, how you show yourself and by what you say. You’re terrible. Horrible. What has happened to you in the past is no excuse for the what you did to me. Stripped me off myself. I’m glad to be done. To be away. I’m hollow but I feel hopeful. I hope and deep inside I know that I will be okay. Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
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self.offmychest
|
I’m about to lose my health insurance I am 22 and have been on my biological father’s health insurance since I was born. It’s government so it’s very good. He is legally required to keep me on it until I graduate...in May. (Long story. We haven’t spoken since I was six. This was part of the deal my mother negotiated. He isn’t a good guy.)
I only recently started seeing a therapist for my problems and getting on medication. The problem is that I see a very expensive therapist and I know I’m going to lose my health insurance the second I graduate. It makes me just want to stop seeing my therapist now and stop taking my medication since I know I won’t have it come May 19th.
It’s terrifying. My boyfriend has never had health insurance so he’s relatively unsupportive. He just tells me to “get used to how most people live.” I can’t meet the open enrollment dates in time and I also can’t afford anything more than $100/month. It’s honestly making my anxiety so much worse which is horribly counterproductive to the problem.
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self.Anxiety
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university makes me wanna die i am trying my hardest to keep up with studies and its fucking draining me out. i have no social life or leisure time whatsoever, just study all day every day. although i'm giving it all my effort i'm still falling behind and the stress is making me go insane. anxiety pills aren't doing shit and i haven't slept in the past few days. this is literally hell, but it gets worse because my parents are asian and they'll fucking disown me if i don't get through university. i swear, killing myself seems like the best possible option as things stand.
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self.depression
|
Wellbutrin side effects I've been on paxil (10 mg) for a number of years to manage my anxiety. I noticed that I'm pretty apathetic towards most things (not good in grad school), so my doctor prescribed me Wellbutrin (150 mg) to help. I've been on it for about a week and I've noticed the following things:
1. Tremors. Constant tremors and body shakes
2. Time seems to move slower
3. Memory is going to crap
Has anyone experienced symptoms like this? I'm trying this stuff out as a last ditch effort to finish my dissertation.
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self.depression
|
So scared. Hello guys. I posted here some time ago that I will be having a manuscript defense and I felt anxious and scared during those times.It turned out okay. Now my only problem is paper revisions.
I have to consult to my panels and ask them shits about how the paper should be written and all that. I thought finishing the defense was good but now I am afraid that I wont graduate because I might be so stupid in revisions. Fuck. Every time I see my panels or see their name in emails I really feel scared. I wish it would end soon.
Also recently this day I was with someone who is already finished with her revisions and it made me so sad because im so jealous. I wanna be happy too and let this heavy tension in my body. :(
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self.depression
|
I won't become anything in life, might as well just end it now so as to not struggle later. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just saw stranger things 2 ending [mild spoilers] [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Anyone else find that therapy seems to have an overall negative effect on depression? I’ve been in therapy off and on for many years. About 7 different therapists. With most of them I felt like I was making good progress for a couple of months. Then it seems like not only am I making no progress, I start getting more depressed a couple of days before my next session.
I’ve been working with my most recent therapist for about a year now. And I think I’ve learned things about myself and feel like some issues with my mother and religion have been somewhat resolved.
But for the last month or so it seems to be a negative thing, just like it has in the past with other therapists. Anyone else have similar issues? Thanks
|
self.depression
|
Found out Grandpa has cancer I found out yesterday my grandpa has cancer. Both of my grandparents don't have much time left and it terrifies me. I [20M] have been taking care of and living with my grandparents for the past 8 years. I do absolutely everything for them. I take them to their doctor appointments, drive them wherever they need to go, shop for them, clean for them, watch the Bronco game and wheel of fortune with them, hell, I even switch the channel to The Days Of Our Lives at 2pm for grandma because she forgot what channel it is.
My grandma has a brain cyst and it fucked her up. She's blind on her left side and her brain damage is really starting to show. Recently she was flight for lifed because the stint clogged and her brain was becoming pressurized or something. I dont know exactly but I wasnt aloud to be there... Which is bullshit. She keeps calling me my dads name. She's forgetting a lot and shes really weak. She recently had heart surgery and it fucked her up pretty good. She is the sweetest old gal on the block and I love her to death. She always tells me I'm her favorite grandson.
Grandpas age is really starting to show. He has heart disease, COPD, and a list of other problems, and yesterday found out he has cancer. He can hardly stand and his breathing is terrible. I'm worried I'm going to wake up to paramedics taking him away some day. I'm my grandpas best friend. I sit there and listen to him talk about his days as a cop, the same stories he's been telling me since I was 7. Listen to his extensive knowledge of the World Wars and Vietnam. Listen to him talk about politics, etc. It sounds like its a bother to me but its really not. I enjoy doing it. It makes him happy and its fun seeing him squint real hard trying to remember the year he first shot at a bad guy.
I feel like I'm the only person they have. My dad doesn't do anything for them, talk to them really... Honestly he just talks shit and wants to put them in a home. Every time he brings it up, I get extremely defensive. I feel like I'm the only person in my family that loves and cares about them and it breaks my heart. They can't do much for themselves. I'm not going to make them miserable. I want these last years to be easy on them... I want them to have a friend. I want them to know they're loved when they die.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel like everyone is just perfectly fine in life without me, when I do everything to lift their spirits and care about them.
|
self.depression
|
Today, I found out that my depression is treatment resistant I've been on 8 different antidepressants and the such. Prozac, Paxil, wellbutrin, pristiq, viibryd, seroquel, abilify, and trintellix. It feels like the past year and a half or so has been nothing but pills. I've been depressed since I was around 9 or 10, and now I know I'll probably be depressed for the rest of my life.
I'm about to start tms therapy. Has anyone here tried it? I don't want to get too optimistic after the utter failure that was the pills, but I would really like some encouragement so that I don't feel like I'm throwing my money away. It's covered by my insurance, but the co-pays do add up for the whole procedure.
|
self.depression
|
I can't forgive my mother....... My best friend of 25 years died and the first thing my mother said to me was "you know he is probably in hell"!
She was a good mother but WTF! How could something like that pop out of someone's mouth? I just don't know how to really forgive her. I have said I forgive her in my mind but I really haven't.
|
self.offmychest
|
2017 changed me When I was in a relationship through most of this year, I was miserable. Heartbroken. Always hurting. And then we broke it off. I became way more self confident, posting more selfies, enjoying myself more. I certainly do still have episodes of depression and anxiety from time to time, but 2017 has shown me a glimmer of hope. That I can be happy with who I am, that I can be comfortable in my body, that I can love myself. And I'm sure 2018 will show me more. And I hope it does for everyone else here. I love you all, and remember to love yourselves. Happy New Year ✌
|
self.depression
|
When you're trying to muster up the will to drive home for Thanksgiving break I've spent the last 3 days telling my family I have something to do at school before I can drive home. I spent those last 3 days sleeping and listening to music in bed. I told my graduate lead that I couldn't go in for research because I was going home for break.
All I can think about is the fact that I've been through 7 interviews with a company that I really meshed with and they've ghosted me. Every other company I've interviewed with denied me, but this company that I've flown across the country and followed up with multiple hour long phone interviews can't even e-mail me to say "We're moving forward with other candidates" before Thanksgiving break.
I have literally no friends to rant about this to. I've been eating fast food for the past 3 days (which is really stupid considering I don't have much money) because I can't bother to cook. I'm living like a slob because I don't have any energy.
I just needed one good thing to happen to me this semester to help me move forward again. It doesn't look like its going to happen and I don't know what I'm going to do.
|
self.depression
|
How do you deal with guilt after a conversation? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Everybody is entitled to their opinion. It is a human being's indomitable right to maintain their personal opinion on a creative work. End of.
Even if you think someone's opinion is "wrong," just remember - there is no "right" and "wrong" - only opinions.
Do not listen to upsetting opinions. Certain opinions can make you doubt yourself - or distract you from your own.
Just remember - nobody will *ever* take your opinion away. It is yours forever. You will always be entitled to your opinion. :)
|
self.offmychest
|
SSRI nosebleeds My dr is tapering me off of klonopin and wants me to start on an SSRI at the same time. I have had horrible experiences with SSRIS and usually lose scary amounts of weight from the nausea and diahreah. Last week she insisted I take Zoloft. I figured I will try to fight through the nausea and have been so ill from it I can't get off the couch. My actual larger fear is NOSEBLEEDS. I saw on the pamphlet that it can cause nosebleeds. I already have high blood pressure and one of my most severe health anxiety worries is nosebleeds. So now I am taking something that could actually cause my biggest anxiety fear. Honestly, without sugar coating, has one experienced nosebleeds with Zoloft??
|
self.Anxiety
|
I think i have to go on antidepressants and I have no one to talk to about it [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Awkward situation Hello everyone, I always have been a loner growing up. No friends, only child, single parent home. Being a male with only a father, I didn’t know how to interact with females when I went to college. Ha, did I mention I was obese and short growing up and Hispanic. So I decide to lose 100 pounds to be at 150 at 5’4 in senior year sudddenly I get attention but given my background I didn’t know what to do. So I decide to start socializing but in college but get shunned by the group I was trying to get in. Then suddenly this girl I have classes with start trying to talk to me despite being a social pariah so I assume it was just a trick to spy on me because they thought I was creepy and might do some crazy shit. And also a member of the clique explicitly said I was “rubbing everyone the wrong way” and also anything I tell her goes back to her bff. So I ignore. Was it right? I’m still bitter at this. All I wanted was friends. Now because I’m poor I can’t pay a semester and have to join the military to advance in life.
|
self.offmychest
|
anxious about moving to a new city. I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder recently and I take meds for it. However, I do still have quite a lot of these random episodes where I get super worked up and anxious to the point of feeling sick. I'm 23 and need to move to a new city to find a job, my employer isn't likely to be around for much longer and I don't want to be caught without a job. I've never lived anywhere else but this small town I was born in.
Is moving to a new city difficult? Part of me feels like I won't be able to do it, it's probably going to be extremely uncomfortable and coping is going to be near impossible. I don't even think I'm good enough to find a job.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I loved my Prius but some guy totaled it and now I’m stuck with a stupid shitty 2009 Nissan Versa bc it’s all i could afford. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
My boyfriend's job search is triggering my job-related anxiety from last year First time posting here - not particularly looking for advice or anything, I just need to rant about this and don't want to stress out my boyfriend, and none of my friends would understand. Apologies if this isn't the right kind of post for this sub - I don't even mind if this gets deleted, I just need to type it out.
I was diagnosed last year around this time with GAD and panic disorder, triggered by the career fair and job searching during my senior year. I was on medication and doing therapy for a while, but the last 6 months I've been managing my general anxiety pretty well and haven't had a panic attack in a while, and was really happy that it seemed the worst of my anxiety was behind me (at least near term). My doctors warned me though that other big life events/changes would probably trigger a resurgence of my anxiety/panic attacks.
I've graduated now and have an amazing job that I love, but my boyfriend is a year younger than me and is currently doing the job hunt. I've had a lot of general low-level anxiety just about us being able to live together next year (worrying about him finding a job he loves outside of our city) and just planning for moving, starting a new phase of our life. But I get a lot of relief out of overplanning things, so I've been dealing with that fine.
Last week my boyfriend had a final interview at a company he loves in our area that pays really well and has good benefits - everything we could want basically. I was over the moon and all the people he talked to basically told him he was getting an offer but the main manager guy and HR guy were out of town - but they had planned on offering before Thanksgiving so timeline was pretty short. This was good, because even though this doesn't directly affect me, having to wait around for this was really hard on me - I can't focus on anything else and just keep imagining worst-case scenarios where he doesn't get the job. But I was looking forward to this week, where we'd be able to wrap this up before we go home to my family.
But today the main manager got back and wants to have another interview with my boyfriend before giving him an offer, and it's pushed my anxiety over the edge. I haven't felt like this in months - I feel like I'm going to throw up and cry and I can't think about anything else (I'm at work now and haven't been able to get anything done). He's not sure if he's going to get this done before the holiday weekend and now I'm dreading going home and having to field questions from my entire family about what he's doing after graduation, which is just going to constantly remind me and fuel my anxiety.
Basically I'm just really upset that this is affecting me so much, when I thought I'd worked through a lot of this over the past year. It's extra hard because I don't want to complain to my boyfriend about it, because he's obviously under a lot more relevant stress with this process and I don't want to overload him, especially because he's done so much to help me with my anxiety over the last year. And I can't talk to my friends or my mom about it, one because my boyfriend doesn't want to tell anyone about the job until he gets the official offer, and also because a lot of them (mom included) wouldn't understand how his job search is affecting my anxiety and mental health so much.
Wow that was a lot, if anyone actually reads this you're a trooper.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Slowly I'm getting there I want to post this for everyone who needs this. I don't care if people might think it's annoying. If this reaches only one person truly, it's already worth it.
I'm 21 years old and I always thought I would spend my life unhappy. I was never a happy kid, and I didn't grew up in a happy house. (lots of reasons I won't go into detail off.) I was always the weird and depressed teenager and my family and the people around me never realized it was depression, so everyone was always mad at me for being not cheerful or mad or anything other than smiling and happy.
It took me years and years and one day I felt like I had to decide. Happiness or slit my wrists. The only thing that kept me from the second option, was my brother. I don't have a good relationship with him or anything, I just couldn't bare the thought of him finding me with blood everywhere and not breathing anymore and having to carry that with him the rest of his life. He is such an innocent spirit, and I didn't want to break that.
That was I think four or even five years ago. And it was damn hard, and so many times I was thinking of why I didn't do it that one night. Why I was 'a coward' for being afraid. I wanted to die, I wanted to stop living. I just didn't want to hurt anyone. My godmother, my brother, the two friends I had.
So it took me years of battling my own head, years of feeling shit and worthless, before finally getting there. I started to realize that I wanted to be happy, and in order for that to happen, I had to surround myself with the things that made me happy: friends, the few family members I like to be around, visiting stuff, writing, going abroad.
And finally, after all those years I feel like I'm getting there. I am feeling good most of the time now, and the dark thoughts are only occasional. I am grateful for being alive now. I think I'm still battling a little, but I'm okay with that now. It sucks of course, but I think it's just a part of who I am. It will always be in the back of my head in one way or another. But now, that is finally okay...
So here is kind of my message I guess: being happy is a good feeling. And I seriously hope you get there. Because I do not want to go back there. It will take you so much time and so much effort, but if you realize now that you can do it and that you want to do it, that is already the first step. It was for me. It will take time, and that's okay. I hope you can look back in a few years and be in the same spot that I am now. I hope for you, because you are worthed. You are good and you will find someone who loves you for who you are. Not everyone is bad in this world, believe me. Don't give up. It's gonna be hard, but you'll get there.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
BF's anxiety making him Aggressive I've been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. When he's calm, we are a fabulous match. He's loving, attentive, and we have very similar sense of humor.
But, he has very severe anxiety about a lot of every-day activities (driving, parking, talking on the phone, using the stove, etc.) This means that he is basically living in a constant wash of adrenaline.
So, if anything adds to his anxiety at all, he becomes incredibly aggressive, and starts screaming at me.
When he's home, he will spend 10 - 30 minutes shouting and yelling at me about something several times a day. This is killing me. It's destroying my state of mind. I'm out of work, and desperately need to be my best self so I can interview.
What can I do? How can I manage this? Please help. I am at the end of my rope.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I wish something had happened to me It might be an awful thing to say, but I wish my life had been terrible. I wish I had been raped, or abused, or bullied, or had anything happen to make me so hopeless. But I come from loving parents, I had friends as a kid, and I have a good life. I’m just built wrong, and I have to live with knowing that my depression, that wanting to kill myself, it’s all my fault.
|
self.depression
|
I think I was sexually assaulted by my brother Something has just cracked back into my memory and I've been thinking about it all week now. I would love someone to talk to because I don't know if its worth going to speak to a specialist or even a big deal. I'm a 25 y/o male who does find it hard to talk about my feelings, but the last couple of months I'm starting to open up more about my feelings to my good friends, which is a hard thing as a man. This is somthing as a guy I don't know who to talk to, I don't want my good friends to know that this has happened to me and for obvious reasons my family. I have a lovely girlfriend who I can trust so much but I don't know if I can tell her yet. Me and my brother have always been best of friends. I see him less now days as we are both at Uni and have different life's. WIth all these rape/sexual assaults going around in the news it just hit me that something happened to me, I didn't really want to think it's true becuase he has been my best friend. I've just repressed it from my memory. It doesn't change my life becuase it's already happened but I'm thinking about cutting him out of my life now becuase I feel sick thinking about it and it's all I'm thinking about. I don't want to get into to many details becuase what happened exactly doesn't matter, it was always me being used for somthing sexual when we were home alone on school holiday, back then I thought it was fine. But maybe it's nothing like these rape allegations becuase I didn't ever say no, I just knew it was wrong. Maybe it's different becuase I'm a guy?! Nothing I can really do now, other than help my mental health now. Am I just being a Baby?
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm depressed because I'm lonely. And I'm lonely because I'm depressed. It's Catch-22. Fuck this shit.
EDIT: Does anyone want to talk? Maybe we can be a bit less lonely together.
|
self.depression
|
I think I know a killer and I don't know what to do. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else just bored of life? My life is OK. I've got most aspects under control and other than a void inside of me my emotions are most often under control as well. I feel like I can rationally look at the world
My problem is I'm so bored of everyday life and routine and there's really no way out of it, it's how society is built. The purpose of our modern lives is to sell our hours to some company and get money in return mostly so we can buy stuff we don't really need. Any sense of community or responsibility is gone
I can read a book, play video games or something but eventually I realize it's just mindless escapism and I feel bad about spending so much time on it.
|
self.depression
|
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