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anxiety is so much worse when i'm sick I just have an earache/possible ear infection. Not a big deal at all, except that those can cause *slight and temporary* hearing loss, and my brain is filtering out 'slight and temporary'. Losing my hearing is my no. 1 fear, and even this slight difference is killing me emotionally. I know that nothing is wrong, that my hearing is at least close to normal (I got a ton of ear infections as a baby, I'll probably lose my hearing faster than most people) but I'm still scared shitless. I've cried twice today, I have a headache, my depression is worse in winter, and it's reaching its Winter Peak right now, I can tell. I'm just not doing well y'all. :((
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self.Anxiety
|
Constant aching feeling in my chest again Can't get out of bed again.
Hearing a loved one murmur down the hall--"but she was doing do well, what happened?"
That hallway might as well be a fucking ocean.
What happened is I'm sick of it all.
Of going through the same cycles, of being too old for this. Of the constant thinking "if I just do this, this, and this--it'll be alright" with increasing desperation.
Drowning in my thoughts while my body lay immobile, thinking my family would be better off without this constant burden.
I'm a single soul lost out to sea, I'm drowning and no one can reach me. Trying to explain to my therapist that I'm back "low" again, tired of feeling a disappointment even to her.
Where is the light at the end of this tunnel? I wish someone could lead me to by the hand. Then maybe I'd be ok again. If only I could see. God, if only I could see
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self.depression
|
My mind wants me dead. And I dont know wether to believe it or not. My mind is fucking broken.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I broke down sobbing on the phone with my coworker, and I'm MORTIFIED It's been an incredibly tough week for me, so emotions are high. But I'm NEVER this emotionally vulnerable with anyone who isn't my mum or a close friend, and to make things worse she was working and so sat there on the phone listening to my sob fest while she could have been dealing with clients. I'm so embarrassed. She's a sweetheart, and was so nice about it but still. Urgh.
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self.offmychest
|
Advice on how to manage my anxiety? I feel anxious almost all the time, about one thing or another, but those rare times I just feel relaxed and content never last long because I feel like if I'm not anxious about something something's wrong. This usually starts when school starts and backs off in the summer. School and cross country are probably my main stressors, since I'm always so worries about doing well and getting everything done. Any advice on how to manage my anxiety, since I clearly don't know how? I really don't want to go on medication except as a very last resort, and the same for seeing a therapist. I've noticed that when I'm with my friends my anxiety goes down a lot, I don't know if it's just because I'm not thinking about it or if they're just that good for me or both. I also noticed that one of the biggest reasons for my anxiety is cross country, but once I actually get to practice my anxiety is gone, and it actually lessens my anxiety for the time being since I'm only thinking about the practice and not dreading my classes for the rest of the day. It's just really confusing and frustrating and I really need some advice
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self.Anxiety
|
Decided to finally talk about my severe depression and anxiety Hey Reddit!
I hope I found the right topic for this.
So the thing is, that I have depression and anxiety.
This is a little sudden, hah?
I think so, too. I mean, I am on the internet, what is like the most dangerous place in the world, and I am telling of my worst secret basicly. The thing is, I tried to tell this to my friend or SO, but I could never tell the whole story. Something missing because I am not capable of telling how dark my soul is. If they would sit together, and discuss the different things I told them, they might could puzzle the whole story.. But still a few things would miss.
I also tried to write a diary, or poems, novels, or draw, but the lack of motivation and the feeling of everything I do is pointless cut these all right at the start.
So here I am, a newbie in reddit, and after a lot experience I read, I decided to share my story.
Haha, I am anxious a little even more, because I afraid you all will point out my grammar mistakes. Silly, is it?
A little back story (of course you can jump this if you want to stay at the stuff happening in the present):
I don't know exactly, when all this sadness begun. Because it was surely just sadness at the beginnig. Maybe when my big sister moved out, and I was just at the middle of elementary school. First of all, kids are the worst. They bully you for every little thing. I was called boyish, because I didnt have breasts (yea, that was a thing in elementary..), and when I wanted to prove what a girl I am and had like the first boyfriend at the class, they laughed at me.
This is a really casual kid story which means like nothing. I cried myself to sleep but thats all, I could handly it as a kid can.
And from nothing, family stuff started to happen at the same time. As my sis moved out, all of my mothers attention was pointed to me, and not in the best way. Sudden all of the house chores was on me, and I had to look after my lil siblings, and I heard a lot that I am worthless and will end up homeless. My grades started to be worse, like my brain would wanted to prove she is right.
In school, bullies go out of hand. They said I should kill myself, I am not worth to live, and also abused me physically. Once I even ended beaten up in the playground. I dont wanted to tell mom because she obviously would call me a weakling.
The first I thought I might have serious problems was at high school, when they also bullied me (for I am ugly, for my name, for my everything).
I went to a psychologist, who could say nothing but bullshit. Sorry but that is true, she told me like someone has it worse, etc. No need to say that I immediately felt like a complaining little shit, who got a nice life just cant deal with it.
Years passed, and I had my fight every day to get out of the bed. I was tired all day, and I slept in school, I slept when I got home, then played games til dawn. This was the circle of my life. I wanted to run away from life, where everyone is mean, everyone hurt me, and sleep and games were my way out.
Then I've got a pretty abusive relationship. Oh god. I thought what is he doing is normal, but when I told him I started to attend the school psychologist, he begun acting.. Weird. He told me that some has it worse, that I should do more productive things, that depression is the problem of too comfy ppl. I felt down, the school psychologist sent me to a mentalhygiene centre where a psychiater tried to heal me. I've got pills, but I was afraid to tell her what my bf is doing with me, how he cant handle his strength and hurting me a few times.
Sadly, I started to feel that I need that. That this is my punishment of how a little shit I am. I've hurt myself in places he couldnt notice, and started to say him to hurt me when we are together. He was in. He would leave me blue and green and choke me and I felt I deserve this. I didn't take my pills ane started to harm myself.
Since then, more then a year passed. I get rid of that boyfriend, and moved out of my family house so my mom's terror won't reach me. The first few months I felt healed, but then everything started to fall apart, and here I am again.
Going to hospital, taking pills, harming myself, and sadly, I am seriously considering suicide as a way out.
I feel like my life is a mess, because I couldnt get into an university, I cant find some good paying job, or atm, even a job. I afraid that I might love my SO more then he loves me. I feel lonely, and I feel like a burden, I think that my friends doesnt even like me, just talking to me because they feel sorry for me.
I can't sleep, because I always dream something really horrible, yet I can do nothing but lay at my bed and try to sleep through the whole day.
I feel like I an living in a nightmare and I can't wake up, but I might wake up if I commit suicide and die. You know, when you die in a dream and then wake up harmless.
This all might seem a mess (it is), but I wanted to share this shit somewhere finally. I might will update this with my daily thoughts, and if I lucky enough, the progress of my healing.
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self.depression
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Scared of being happy? I'm wondering if anyone else has felt like this. I've been depressed for so long that the thought of being happy seems foreign and a little scary. I just don't know what to expect should I get better (starting therapy and medication). It's almost like I don't want to get better in a weird way because I've been in this so long I've grown almost comfortable in an odd way. So, anyone else feel the same?
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self.depression
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idk what i should do... i had two jobs (janitor and overnight Hotel FD) left my JAN job bc i thought my new job (stocker) was starting. needed to get another SSN card. took too long and i got put on hold until next week for the new one. i feel like crap. i am crap. FD job cut my hours to 16, used to have 25.
the money i had gotten paid from i spent it all... I have nothing left. Bills are due, and my car's front brake is squeaking. i feel depressed, i feel like shit, i just want this feeling to end, im not going to do anything to myself. i just feel bad. my cousin is mad at me for wasting all of it on food and worthless shit.
I moved out of my dads house two months ago for this?
to fuck up and feel useless?
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self.depression
|
Relapse I am relapsing again. I'm in a mixed episode right as we speak.
It was triggered by a breakup this week.
I am feeling very apathetic atm. I just wish I were dead. 5 hours ago I was actually feeling cheery.
I am not steady on my meds atm. But I don't want to take them anymore, I'm sick of the shakes and tremors and lack of energy from taking them. I hate them.
I don't want to go back to the psych ward in my town even though I probably need to right now because the psychiatrist there sucks. He put me on these meds I'm on after one 10 minute meeting and then shipped me off home after 6 days.
I'm feeling very abandoned. I've posted on social media my sadness and no responses. My roommate asked me was I alright today and I said no and she said she was sorry but that was about it. Nothing more, nothing less.
I see no point in my life. Haven't for a while. Even when I was sort of stable. I was feeling positive for a while and I "imagined" that things were looking up. But who am I kidding.? They are not.
I have no license. I have no high school diploma or GED. I have no job. Hell, no one will even hire me with a track record like I have. 7 jobs in less than 3 years. I'm only 19. And relationship-wise, I've nothing to offer anyone. So I'm stuck being alone.
And I don't even really have any family to fall back on. They want to serve JEHOVAH GOD. Fuck them. Fuck that load of crap.
Hell, I don't even want to date anymore. Why should I? No point. People are shitty. I'm shitty. Everyone should just leave each other alone and maybe things would go better.
No one cares. Fuck me. Fuck my ex for making reality sink back in. Fuck my brain. Fuck my doctors. Fuck my "friends". Fuck my "family".
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self.bipolar
|
I am tired of pretending to be okay I can't do it anymore. What I want is to just find someone who feels the same way about me but it's just not possible. I've spent forever trying to chase after people but it never works. My therapist told me to focus on being positive but everything just makes me feel as if I'm trying too hard and I just can't do it anymore. I know what will make me happy. I want it. I want to be happy. But it will never happen. there's no point in living such a sorry life where you can't even have what you want and just have to keep on pretending that you're okay
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self.depression
|
In quiet moments I'm often overwhelmed with the fact of my mortality and unbelievably depressed at all I lack in this life and how frantic and impossible it seems to satiate this vague constellation of desires... Too little love, fun, accomplishments, creative enjoyment, sex, passion, shit all of it. Too much stress, sadness, anger, rumination....just so damn much.
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self.Anxiety
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(Really short question, might delete this later...) Does anyone else get stressed when they hear classical music? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I think I'm reaching a breaking point I've been wanting to die for 4-5 years now I just don't want to go on anymore. I could. I can definitely soldier it out. one foot in front of the other so to speak. I don't want to. I just have to plan it, I'm so emotionally drained I feel like a robot that knows it has no purpose. I'm gonna be 21 soon and I have no one left that I trust. I'm constantly forgotten, left behind, and sneakily talked about by everyone around me and I just want to have the constant chatter and paranoia and self hatred to stop. I wanted someone supportive in my life for so long, I don't think I believe in a real god anymore. In biology, during mitosis, cells sometimes fuck up in replication, the body either recognizes it and terminates the regeneration or doesn't and the cell can become a cancerous one. That's essentially how I view myself holistically at this point.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Dear Oregon, Get out of the fast lane. Thank you.
- California.
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self.offmychest
|
Doing much better. This is kind of just an update on my progress if you wanna hear about it. I stopped focusing so much on my love life so I can't get bombarded with rejection so often. I've decided that college doesn't really seem to be for me, at least not right now. I haven't told my dad yet so we will see how that goes. The main thing that's changed is I've started going to the gym six days a week. It's become a good place to vent my frustrations and I've become much happier in terms of how I look. Things are going well so far, I hope they are for you guys too. Keep your head up.
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self.depression
|
She'll eventually leave me. I don't think she's ever going to be able to put up with this illness. Even with therapy, even with medication, even with my effort that I'm starting to attempt in. I'm still going to have these up and downs for the rest of my fucking life.
I love her, but does she love me enough to stay?
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self.bipolar
|
Going off my meds I’ve already made the decision. I just want to know how to do it so that it doesn’t totally suck. Currently on 300mg lamictal and 20 mg celexa, my plan is to drop to 10mg celexa for a week, then completely stop celexa and cut my lamictal dose in half every week until it’s over
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self.bipolar
|
Getting nice abs is fucking hard. I know this isn't a big problem and that there are about a million other things that are hard but I don't feel like I can talk about this out loud because of how vain it sounds.
Always being hungry, always tracking what I eat, worrying if I've eaten too many calories, fuck, I just want results already.
The worst is when I sometimes over eat and realise all the effort I put in the last week or so was just for nothing.
My rant is over.
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self.offmychest
|
Being born with this curse makes life a road filled with sadness, bitterness and pain. Hello reddittors... I am a dude from Badalona, Spain. recently 27yo. Never had any job, love, too old for university (I always wanted to go, but six years is too much), 0 networking, no money, uncapable to be productive in any way, and the country I live is a shitty place corrupted beyond salvation where you just cannot have a decent salary if you are not lucky enough.
I was born with Simplex Schizophrenia. Thanks lottery, less than 0,001% of all people have this shit and it had to be me.
It's a mental illnes that reduces the social skills of the person, the willpower to even clean the bedroom, and self-esteem to zero. I'm not even capable of tying shoes (I have never learnt, no idea why), and it is not a joke.
One thing that does well is make the cursed procastinate a lot. I feel like if I had a coma when I was a teenager and wasted more than ten years. Nothing has changed since, except my slow approach to the end of this hell.
The doctors have tried many medicines that it is known that works, but on me it produces horrible symptoms, so I cannot receive a treatment available in Spain.
I would write much more, so many things, but right now i just want to get this right off my chest because while in bus I was thinking about killing myself. Tomorrow I will come again to see if have any response... Thanks in advance.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Lakes vs Seas (with a twist?) If Black Sea is not a lake because it's connected to the Mediterranean (and therefore Atlantic)...why aren't the Great Lakes considered seas seeing as how they're technically connected to Atlantic also.....
Also why are they separate lakes....they all look connected to me on map
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self.offmychest
|
Synchronicities during Mania? I have had two psychotic episodes so far. During these episodes a lot of synchronicities, or meaningful coincidences, would bubble up. Anyone else experience weird events during these episodes?
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self.bipolar
|
When you want money to move somewhere new so you Google "how to become gay4pay" [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
My emotions are plummeting. When i was younger I suffered from traumatic depression and I’d often cry myself to sleep. It’s been 6 years now, I’m in an amazing relationship, but I find myself crying myself to sleep again. I haven’t had a bad anxiety episode since last year and I’d like to say i’m doing pretty good. I’m scared to tell my partner because I don’t keep things from him, especially not these types of things. I’m scared.
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self.Anxiety
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My life is too embarrassing and I want to end it When I was young, I was overweight and teased.
I did average/poorly at school.
I was made fun of and always thought I would do better in life at some point
I had no plans
I got irritable bowel that eventually got better
I got a impractical degree that led to a menial job
I lost weight
When I got a promotion, I couldn't cope and lost that job
I am overweight, I have a small penis (5 inches erect) and I have tried multiple antidepressants that just shut me down and give me further ED.
I gained weight back again
went bald
I have a bad reference
Little money to my name at 32 years old
friends have houses, families
I am going to have roommates until I die, or have to go back home to my parents
I have nothing to offer a woman, I am poor, fat, suffer from mental illness and ED, have a small penis, have had one night stands but never a relationship
I will never own a house, in the city I live in, they cost $1,000,000
I have no valuable skills
Its too late
I am too humiliated
I don't want to stick around to watch the winners while I keep being the prototypical loser
I wish I contracted a fatal illness so I didn't have to try anymore
I'm embarrassed about that wish
I have been to the emergency room twice for negative thoughts
I struggle to concentrate sometimes
the drugs dont work
I am an embarassment
I dont feel like a real person
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I had low expectations on a relationship...and was still let down The only fucking thing I wanted form a gf is to finally have special person with whom I would've been able to talk about everything that I keep in secret and to have someone who listens to me and really cares.
And this needed to be a loveintrest of mine. Tht means we both love each other and are able to finally talk and show our true selfs.
The self that you couldn't show your closes friends and the self you couldn't show your parents or anyone else...
All I wanted is someone to care and who listens to me and whom I can listen too aswell. I just needed someone to share my agony with and someone who could share her agony with me.
I found her we were two broken souls in a vast sea of fakeness but in the end it fell apart, I was too afraid to show this self of me because I wanted to do it slow and not relly show her all the messed up parts of me... She thought I was to good and that she was tol broken for me (and also I am not a fan of "dating over whatsapp" wich means that when she was studing fir school for 2 or 3 weeks there we couldn' t meet and talk really well. So all I did was generic smalltalk. I think that bored her off :/. But my intentions were that when we finally would meet up I would take her out to fantastic; the perfect date. It was all planed up and we would talk about all the stories we missed out... but be4 that she broke up...)
Well fuck all this I think if I just lower my expectations it will be better next time? How about :
1.she exists.
2. she has doubble X chromosoms.
3. she looks fairly ok with a fairly ok personality.
That should do it?
I fuckign hate my life hope it ends fast...
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self.depression
|
I don’t even notice my negative though spirals anymore. After reflecting a bit, I’ve just realized that my negative thought spirals have been going by unnoticed by me, and they’ve literally just become a part of my life. That’s kind of scary to me because it leaves me feeling so depressed when I don’t identify them as what they are, a manifestation of my mental illness. It’s becoming harder to distinguish what a healthy level of criticism towards myself and the world is, or what’s just me being anxious and my thoughts spiraling out of control. Helpppp
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone have sleeping problems? So its been a year since I had a manic episode and since then i have been struggling to fall asleep early and wake up early. For example i try to go to bed at 11pm but stay up til 3am and then i wake up at 11:30am.
Is this common to have trouble waking up at a decent hour. It doesnt help that im unmotivated and depressed from time to time. However i really want to get out of that and starting my day early.
Any tips or tricks? Or maybe an explanation as to why bipolar affects sleeping?
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self.bipolar
|
Why is it so hard to admit when you're wrong? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Nothing getting better. Hi everyone. Not sure if anyone remembers me but I posted here a little over two weeks ago. Thank you all so very much for the kind words and so many personal messages that I’ve still been working on replying to :)
I’ve given it some time and was hoping things would maybe get a little better but I’m feeling worse everyday. I’m struggling to make it through each and every day and I can’t help but to think what is the point anymore? At 39 years old I have essentially fucked up everything I ever had good in this world. I’m just so tired of life and just want to stop the pain.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Looking for a new job/turning down prospects is severely triggering my anxiety. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
My overly guilty conscience causes me anxiety…any tips? I have an extremely guilty conscience. Like to the point where I feel sick anytime I may have done something wrong or that looks bad. Part of this is good because I try to be the best person I can, but everyone makes mistakes and its hurting my life. I’ll give a couple examples one socially and one at work.
Social: A few weeks ago, I started a new job and some of the younger people went out to the bars at night. One thing led to another, people were buying drinks, and we all got a little drunk and had a good time. Everything was fine, but the next day my mind started running. “Did I do anything that makes me look bad? Did I drink too much? What do they think of me?” Sure enough I ended up talking to someone the next day and they said no I was fine. But still, just the fact that my mind goes there.
Work: I feel like I can never make any mistakes. Ex; I had to send an email to a big list of people. Making the list, I accidentally added someone who shouldn’t be on it and they got the report I sent out. Now I should note that in my career, sending information to people outside the program is a big problem(really big). That person who mistakenly got it deleted the email and told me about it. I told my boss, and explained to someone who deals with this kind of thing and that person said I was fine. Regardless, my boss said lets change how we distribute the report to avoid it again(and I agree). I ran an idea by him and someone else to make sure they were good with it (they were)…guilty/nervous, I was sweating like crazy while I talked to them. One way I look at this is a mistake was made and we came up with a way to avoid it. But I still sit here with my anxiety through the roof because I feel so guilty.
Do you have any ways to get over this? Maybe the work thing is rightfully guilty (it was my fault). I just feel like that one thing is going to follow me.
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self.Anxiety
|
Feeling really worthless right now! No one talks to me. I've been ignored my whole life and I'm so tired of it. People have told me that I'm a piece of shit and I'm starting to believe them. Every day I have to put so much effort into being okay and I'm so tired. The only person that I want to be with hates me and never wants to be with me again. I made a mistake that ruined my life and his. I feel like people like me deserve to die. I don't even know why I'm posting here. None of it matters anyways.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Wellbutrin and Tinnitus [X-post: r/tinnitus]
I have been very happy with Wellbutrin thus far. I have however noticed my tinnitus is rapidly getting worse. Both a [Google search] (http://www.google.com/search?q=Tinnitus+Wellbutrin) and browsing r/tinnitus suggest there is some anecdotal evidence the drug can be in some instances be ototoxic (damage hearing). Obviously, if true, this is a concern.
I am desperate to get my life back
I am in New Zealand so trying to find more exotic antidepressants is difficult. I am also wondering if there is anything I could take that protects hearing.
Obviously I will consult with my doctor but any suggestions, any words of advice would however be appreciated.
Edit: Just realized it is past my bedtime so will switch the lights off now. I'll respond to any of your replies tomorrow.
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like I just missed out on my future. I'm a high school freshmen. I believe I have had issues with depression and social anxiety (I have never got an official diagnosis, as I never talk to anyone about this kind of stuff) pretty much since the fifth grade. But I have never felt as hopeless and close to actually doing it in my whole life as of right now.
Last year, I actually "came out of my shell" if you will, and have some friends who I like to sit with and play xbox with and whatever. I got in a group chat with a girl I knew, and we started talking. I kind of had a crush on this girl. In my mind, chatting over Instagram is NOT a good way to get to know people, but I was hoping that maybe I could eventually build up the nerve to talk to her at lunch. But then she asked me to go to homecoming with her. I should have just said no, but naive, stupid me thought that I could just change my entire personality over one week. I sat with her at lunch from then on leading up to homecoming, only having one really awkward "conversation" with her, stumbling over my words and looking down.
Oh, and that's the other thing. I have a huge problem with making eye contact. It just makes me so uncomfortable, even with my close family.
Anyway, homecoming night came, and, no surprise, it was a trainwreck. We just stood against a wall most of the time, talking. And when she asked me if I wanted to dance, I said no, and just stood awkwardly by the side while she danced with her friends. At the time, I didn't want to dance because I would just make a fool of myself, but now I think literally anything would be way better than just standing by the side. Hell, even if I looked like an idiot I could have passed it off as funny or something like that. If I could go back in time, this is the one thing I would change.
After homecoming, I was so embarrassed I stopped speaking with or texting her. I hated myself so much, but I tried telling myself "oh, whatever. We weren't even close to being together or anything like that, so I don't care." No. I cared profusely, I was just lying to myself. First off, she is just so beautiful and has an amazing personality, and I just let her go, even though she had an interest in me (maybe), just because I can't get over this godforsaken anxiety and constant embarassment. And second, my failure with her represented the fact that I will NEVER get a girlfriend.
My birthday is coming up. Maybe I'll end my life then. Make it nice and organized, a full 15 years, not a day more. The only two things holding me back are I have no quick, painless way of doing it available to me right now, and the thought of how my mom, dad, and brother would feel. It's unbearable. Maybe I'll just make it look accidental. Less awful to them that way.
I just wish I could go back to when I was younger. Restart my life, relive some of my warmest, happiest memories, avoid mistakes. Or maybe I wish I had just never been born at all.
It is somewhat therapeautic to anonymously vent here. If you read the whole thing, thanks, I know there was a lot.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't stand the idea of letting down my dad, but every time I try to be productive, I get massive panic attacks (x-post r/MMFB) My dad is awesome. He knows how hard it is for me to find work because of my anxiety, so he supports me financially (from out of state, no less) to make sure I have the things I need.
I don't have a job right now, so I have plenty of time to look for work. But filling out applications, getting phone calls, and (most of all) going in for interviews is scary as two Hells because of my anxiety.
I want to do something so I can make money and stop being a burden on my dad, but I feel like I'm going to have an emotional breakdown if I try. If I could find a work-at-home job, that'd be perfect, but usually, you need certain qualifications for those. I'm a pretty good writer/typist and I have lots of other skills, but I didn't graduate college (mostly because of, you guessed it, anxiety). That really limits my options.
I don't know what to do.
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self.Anxiety
|
Maybe you should stop trying. Maybe I should stop trying too. I think the problem with a lot of people with major depressive disorder is that we are fighters, hard-workers, and people who actually have to struggle and work sleeplessly to get what we want. So we think trying will do something, and always resisting. I see people trying out everything, and that seems to be the main thing in common is that you think fighting is going to beat it, and it never gets better, it only gets worse... so what should you do? Honestly, I think the key to beating it is to literally just stop trying. Either do or don't... think in those terms from now on. Just quit pulling so hard on the Chinese finger trap. Stop trying to control everything and just let go, it's okay to say I quit.
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self.depression
|
I have made concrete plans to cheat on my wife but really don’t want to follow through. I really need help.
I will be visiting another country in two weeks time for two weeks. I visited a dating site and have been talking to a girl there. We have plans to meet and spend the two weeks together and basically have a wild sexcapade where we both explore all our kinks. She’s incredibly beautiful.
I have a wife who I am deeply in love with. I know this sounds mental and obviously I have serious problems to even be contemplating what I am. I cheated on her once before and confessed and it nearly killed her/us. I worked so hard to regain her trust and try to be a better man.
Yes I will be seeking therapy. I’ve made a series of bookings. But I can’t get in to see anyone before this trip is supposed to happen.
My wife thinks it’s a business trip. I’ve carefully covered my ass. I’m doing this because we have a once-a-week sex relationship and I need more (this is a situation I am equally responsible for and yes I’ve made counseling appointments for us both too) but moreso because i just want to feel alive and fuck a beautiful woman and get lit up and escape my life for two weeks. Deeper than that I feel for some reason I’m majorly self sabotaging here. I’m doing this because chatting with this other woman and planning this in my head etc is helping me distract myself from anxiety around being unable to complete a project that will take me to the next level of my career. This is the real reason I think. Im very anxious and this is escapism.
I will hate myself for doing this. This is not the person I want to be. I seem to be easily able to compartmentalise it at times. I’m writing this at a time when I’m not able to. Please can anyone help me? Please talk me out of this. I know I’m a piece of shit for letting things go this far. I know I will be a bigger piece of shit if I follow through. It’s such an incredibly strong compulsion. Please someone talk me out of this. My wife is a good and kind person and I don’t want to do this but I do.
I’m a successful executive in my 30s. And yes this sounds immature as hell. I had a very traumatic childhood and this definitely feels like it’s coming from a wounded childhood place.
Right now I’m trying to focus on how I will feel a month from now. In a month I will be one kind of man or another. That really helps but then especially late at night the compulsion to follow through kicks in.
Any advice, especially from those over 30, is really appreciated.
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self.offmychest
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1.5 months into mother's effexor treatment. Any anecdotes regarding antidepressant progress welcomed. So my mother has been on effexor for 1.5 months, and she only hit the therapeutic dose of 225mg 2 weeks ago. While her sleep has shown great improvement and her appetite has shown some as well, her mood hasn't at all really. Her GAD has also improved. However she says she feels more depressed than before, she hasn't had any improvement in focus (difficulty/inability to focus was one of her chief complaints from the get go when her MDD started in September), and she still has little to no improvement in her interest in things she used to find enjoyable.
She has been more herself lately though, she jokes around with me and my family just like she used to sometimes. And she can actually laugh sometimes and she cries now whereas previously she was almost devoid of emotion. When I hug her she actually hugs back as if I am her son whereas the past few months she would hug me as if I was a total stranger.
I'm not sure if the increase in depressed mood is due to the medication not working or due to recent events. Three days after Christmas my father suffered his first ever seizure in his sleep, and again in the ER after I called the ambulance. He wasn't taking the best care of himself as he was constantly juggling work and being home with my mother. Due to this, the seizure destroyed the majority of his right shoulder and he has been bed ridden as of late and our new year's Eve was spent at home with my father in the hospital. The seizure was pegged as due to sleep deprivation and stress.
This now puts me as managing the entirety of our business as well as cooking and cleaning as at the moment my mom cannot and my father is still healing. She feels responsible and constantly apologizes to me but I assure her I'm fine (I take much better care of myself than my father does) and am currently handling everything so the business and home life run smoothly for everyone.
My question is: at what point did you guys see improvement in mood and energy? We all see her gradual return to her old self but she is feeling worse. We have another appointment with her psych on Friday and my guess is he's going to up the dose. But I'd just like to hear some anecdotes. I'm also curious if the meds just aren't working yet or if this ordeal with my father only worsened her depression further. Any stories regarding the road to recovery being interrupted by tragedies and the like?
Anyways. Such is life. Thank you for the information everyone.
So it goes.
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self.depression
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I think about suicide a lot, but I'm not 100% sure if I want to die. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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going to social worker soon how should I prepare for it?, my mind is blank, I see no future, im anxious, depressed, stress, no friends, no job, there is so many thing wrong with me I dont know where to start, does anything know what type of question I can expect on the first meeting ?
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self.depression
|
Depression brain = forgetfulness = formal reprimand at work Ugh - first notice at work. Not good.
I'm doing the best that I can. Have an FMLA that mentions memory problems, does that at all cover me?
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self.depression
|
A question that I want an answer on I had a really difficult year with all my friends and family, mostly my friends. Now I'm on break and I'm going back to school on the 3rd of January. I know a new year means to forget about everything, forgive people and start a new beginning. But, have you ever forgiven people so much that somehow they take your forgiveness for granted? I do not know how to start a new beginning, I plan to avoid some of my friends and my crush, because all of these people are in my classroom. That's why it is hard for me to avoid them, I used to not open up to people at all, but after coming to a new middle school I decided that I should change my perspective of life. And then these things happen, I want to ask you guys about how I should act as a new beginning, I do not want to embarrass myself again with my hot headed inside personality and how weak I actually am. These 2 years in middle school got me tired of actually trying to save friends and forgive them.
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self.depression
|
How do I become happy with life? It’s been years since I have felt anything beside a meh or sad thoughts I stay strong for my wife and kids but that is getting harder day by day....
I figured with time off from work that would help nope felt more lost after 5 days off...
Any advice would be great!!
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self.depression
|
Feelings of Anxiety DAE post
My anxiety for me isn't just a mental stress thing, but a literal feeling in my stomach that just grows and grows every day. The worst part is that I feel it in almost every circumstance except deep, intellectually engaging reading or immersive video games. I feel like I have a hole starting in my belly and then it gets worse and worse over the course of days and the hole just expands until my entire torso/chest is numb. That's usually when I have a panic attack and/or severe diahrea. I was wondering if other people's anxiety manifested itself similarly. So far nothing I've done helps, deep breathing, exercise, etc.
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone else's suicidal thoughts come in when you are bored? I have this problem in which when I am not constantly entertained, my suicidal thoughts set in. Does anyone else have this problem? How common is it?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Psychedelic "reset" for depression in BP2? Anyone here have any experience with psychedelics (mushrooms, aya, ketamine) in the treatment of a bipolar depression?
I've been in my current depression for months. Was put on antidepressant (Wellbutrin) which hasn't pulled me out of it. Also had a short course of lithium which seemed to just slow me down and make me groggy, but didn't do much for the depression.
I've had many (mostly good) experiences with psychedelics in the past, although now that I'm pushing 40 it's been years and years since I've dosed any. But I've been reading about the successful use of psilocybin and ketamine to "reset" depression. I'm considering taking a home dose with a sitter to see if it helps, and am looking for similar experiences or input.
Any thoughts appreciated.
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self.bipolar
|
I need help. I know I do. But I don't have insurance. I looked into sliding scale mental health and can't even afford that. I'm hanging on by a thread. My husband would be devastated if I killed myself. I can't do that to him. I can't do that to my one year old daughter. Please help me. If you know of anything. Please.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My friend is having a baby Ive known her since we we're in 3rd grade, we had a gap in our friendship where she kinda disappeared, turns out she was on drugs and now shes been clean for a year and a half. Shes engaged to a pretty nice guy, been together for a little over a year. She works at McDonalds and he works a minimum wage job as well, they live on their own and dad is their landlord so rent is cheap for them.
2 weeks ago she found out shes pregnant. She told me before she told anyone else, then 2 days later she got a test from a doctor, and shes for sure pregnant. She isnt financially stable at all, her and her fiancé fight a lot, and she is posting a lot about how doubtful she is that she will be able to do it with a baby. Right now she barely has time for herself and her job. Im really scared for her.
Everyone in her life (including me) is really supportive of whatever choice she makes, a majority of people are saying "you're going to be an amazing mom" and stuff along those lines, even though she said she doesnt feel ready. Shes only 20, she doesnt imagine herself being a mom yet, she's open to an abortion and so is her fiancé (which is what I honestly think she should do for the sake of her mental health, she agrees) but she'd let down her family who's really excited for her to have a baby.
How do I support my friend in this situation?
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self.offmychest
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Update: New friend is suicidal due to worry about becoming I don’t have the health to be supportive but I care. Any resource suggestions? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just don’t care today - cold and logical ... [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I got sexually assaulted at school and my boyfriend doesn’t believe me. 16 [F] I was 15 at the time this all happened. 4 months ago I got sexually assaulted and its all hitting me like a truck now. My boyfriend doesn’t believe me. 4 months ago I was friends with this guy who shall remain unnamed. It all began last year when we first met. One day during study hall he told me to come out of class and meet him to go hang out in this cool room. So I go to the room and sit down next to him on this cart and we just talk like NORMAL friends. Then all of a sudden he starts touching my thigh up and down and it makes me extremely uncomfortable to the point where I made an excuse to get out of the room and tell my bestfriend. I didn’t tell my boyfriend because at the time he was being extremely distant with me and he would be upset with me and I knew he’s assume the worst.
Anyways, fast forward to 4 months ago ar the beginning of the school year. I didn’t pay the thigh rub any attention and I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought he didn’t know boundaries. I thought we were only friends, but one day as I’m walking to class and he’s walking with me he just grabs me by the neck pins me against the wall and starts to kiss me. This guy is very strong and I felt so goddamn weak, I was so uncomfortable he’s groping me and making out with me and I felt so ashamed and dirty at the time. I wasn’t asking for it. My boyfriend and I were just getting back together because during the summer we had stopped talking over my protection (thats another story) But after that I went to my class and I felt so weirded out and scared I didn’t know what to do. Again, I’m so stupid I decided to let it go and I texted him that it made me uncomfortable and I only wanted to be FRIENDS, nothing more.
Fast forward to a couple of days later. I’m playing the piano in the piano room and he texts me that he’s on his way and that we wants to play the piano. I was like alright cool. I really wanted to give this dude the benefit of the doubt cause he was my friend and I’m the type of person that when I have a friend I try to hold on to them as much as I can. When he got in the room though, I felt uncomfortable. He sat down next to me and began to play a couple of notes and I joined. We were just chilling having a good time jamming out. Then out of nowhere this guy grabs me picks me up and puts me on top of the piano and pins his body against mine, and it all happened so quick that I couldn’t react. Before I knew it I had one hand behind my back, another on his dick which HE put there and he’s choking me and making out with me. I was trying so hard not to cry. This guy is 10 times stronger than me. I managed to break my hands free and I tried pushing him away but he kept pressing himself harder against me and began touching me and I didn’t know how to react I was so shocked and scared I was frozen. I eventually manage to speak and tell him I want to leave and I immediately leave the piano room. I had such a pale face. One of my friends saw me leave and she assumed I hooked up with him or something cause I was fixing my shirt and I looked shooken up.
Now onto yesterday night. I didn’t tell my boyfriend ANYTHING about the incident. Only one of my friends whom I texted afterwards later to find out that the same guy had sexually harassed her as well. I told her how I was held against my own will. A couple days after that, I’m walking to class and said guy approaches me with another friend and starts casually walking with me to class. I didn’t pay it any attention but then the other guy leaves and I’m just there with said douchebag and as I open the door to go to class this guy kisses me on the lips and walks away. I never talked to him after that. I never texted him. I was already pissed as it is and ashamed cause he took advantage of me a second time, then he had the audacity to kiss me and run off before I could say anything.
Anyways, my boyfriend was in my room and I had left my phone on my bed and he was laying down. I said I was gonna go get in the shower quickly so I did. I’m finishing up my shower when I hear my boyfriend screaming and yelling in agony. I get out real quick and go to my room to find him, to my horror, on the floor in tears with my dresser broken and an angry look in his eyes. I approach him and he tells me get away from me and proceeds to call me a liar. He then tells me that I kissed this guy and didn’t tell him. Immediately I started to panic cause it wasn’t like that i didn’t consent to anything I was held against my own will. My boyfriend gets really angry and I explain to him what happened and he’s bursting into more tears then he says he’s going to kill him. I manage to calm him down a little and I sat him down on the bed and talked to him. He told me that he is extremely upset with me because I didn’t tell him and there were multiple occasions where he’d ask me if there was anything I was keeping from him and I’d say no. I feel so awful.
My boyfriend gets this guys number then later that night I’m crying because he tells me that I got sexually assaulted and I didn’t even realize it and I felt like complete and utter shit. He convinces me and goes with me to my father and I had to tell him what happened. My father is very upset with me as well, calling me an idiot and saying I’m in la la land 90% of the time. We all come to an agreement that when I go to school on Monday I’m going to the SRO and telling her what happened. Heres when things get very bad. Earlier that night, my boyfriend was asking around about this guy and texting his boys, and then I looked for the guys number and my boyfriend gets my phone calls this guy and tells him to call him later that night. After my boyfriend leaves my house and I go to bed and call him, he says he’ll call me back. A good 15 minutes go by and he calls me back saying I’m a fucking liar and a cheater and that this guy told him everything.
Apparently this guy told him that I consented and I pursued him. I was like what the fuck no you’re a fucking liar and I call up said guy and I go off on him get him on a three way call and its literally him and I going at it and my boyfriend is there like woah woah woah and this fucking guy gets the center of the stage and gets to speak, not I. My boyfriend didn’t believe me and it makes me feel like complete fucking shit. He then calls up my best friend whom is DRUNK and only knows about the situation where said guy touches my thigh. She completely throws me under the bus and to her lowered inhibitions tells my boyfriend that I kissed this guy twice then she calls me back and tells me what she said. I made it clear to her that it never happened and she apologized to me but yet again my boyfriend calls her and she completely throws me under the bus then says that she didn’t talk to me for a long ass time so my boyfriend told me he doesn’t believe anything she says and that she’s bullshit. My own BESTFRIEND doesn’t even have my back.
I am just so upset and overwhelmed. My boyfriend says that he believes me but I don’t think he does. He’s taking so many peoples words against mine. People who weren’t even there. I just had to get it off my chest. I feel ashamed and disgusting cause I didn’t ask for it at all. I feel dumb for not coming forward earlier. I felt the need to keep it hidden because I am so ashamed and knew nobody would believe me.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else Get so annoyed when coworkers constantly say "why are you mad" "you need to smile" "why do you seem so sad sometimes" "why do you look like you're in such deep thought" BLAHBLAH BLAH BLAH . I can't stand people constantly commenting on my mood. Mind your fuckin business like half the time I'm probably zoning out. My mind never stops but I don't owe anyone any explanation to whether I "look happy" or not. Sorry for the rant, I just get so annoyed.
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self.bipolar
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Every day I'm getting closer to killing myself I have the method. I know it'll work. I'm just working up the courage now. Self harmed for the first time in forever and for the first time it actually felt good. I think this is it. I think I'm finally getting close to ending it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Rant about the ACA Okay so first, let me tell you about the Affordable Care Act (the ACA, also known as Obamacare). My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2011, right when some of the ACA was starting to take effect. She signed up for a plan, got some of the best healthcare in the country, and 5 years later she is cancer free. Meanwhile, I was on her plan because I was under the age of 26 at the time. Thank God, because in 2012 I was hospitalized after spending, like, 2 weeks in a severely psychotic state of mania. My parents paid over $30,000 in medical bills that year, but without the ACA, it would have been hundreds of thousands, not tens of thousands.
So yes. Then, in 2014, I quit my job suddenly after almost a year of terrible treatment. Obviously lost health insurance, but bought a plan through the ACA and was covered for a year until I got married. It was expensive--$350 a month and I wasn't making anything--but I had saved money and managed to pay the premiums.
Don't know if you guys know, but the ACA is being taken down. Funding for ads has been slashed by 90%, the site is being taken down over the weekends, and the open enrollment period has been cut in half. Okay, so I took a rare moment to post about that on Facebook (I have otherwise given up posting stuff on social media), because this is the one thing I want people to see if they hear from me at all, and it's the one way I can make a difference. Okay got all that?
So yesterday, my in-laws come. They want to "see us," so they take us out to dinner, we're having a civil conversation, and then the topic mysteriously turns toward the ACA. They proceed to lecture me about how my sister-in-law paid $800/mo for herself and her three kids, and their deductible was $20,000, and that she "can't even take her kids to the doctor for a runny nose" because of their deductible.
I looked it up today. Insurance plans in our state are not nearly that ridiculous. She must have had catastrophic insurance, but even with that, you get 3 primary care visits/person/year and certain preventive screenings are free. All last year she complained about it on Facebook every other freaking day, and it turns out she didn't research the plan. So basically, the one time I post something on Facebook about something I feel very passionate about, I get reprimanded, even though she says everything she wants and I don't say a peep.
And at the end of the day, I'm sorry she had to pay more money, but my mom and I would be DEAD if we hadn't had insurance. And to me, my and my family's lives are way more priceless than your money. Besides, she's not hurting. She just bought herself two pairs of customized glasses for $200.
End rant here.
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self.bipolar
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If I had a gun I'd blow my fucking brains out [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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That orange message-notification... It makes me happy, wanted, feeling like I belong. I love comments because I feel so alone in all of this. Even if the comment didn't help a lot, I feel like I'm not alone. Oh god I'm so miserable.
EDIT: No its not a cry for attention or likes or upvotes. I sincerely feel good when I see the people of /r/depression commenting on my posts, and I love commenting on theirs. A mutual feeling of belonging...
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self.depression
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Never-ending Guilt Trip I place the blame on myself for so much in my life. At work, at home, in my relationships...even when my dog is being a buttcheek I wonder what I did wrong to make him act like a brat. Recently I confronted my ex about something he did that made me uncomfortable and upset and I think maybe he hates me now. So of course I'm in this downward spiral of "Wow, I ruined everything, like always" but mixed with "I shouldn't have said anything, what did I gain from this?"
All I can feel now is this giant weight of guilt pressing on me and I'm not sure what it will lead to...hopefully trying to open up more to other friends will help.
Please tell me someone here can relate.
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self.bipolar
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The love of my life has thrown me away. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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i don’t know how to hold on anymore the past 6 months of my life have been especially terrible lately and not a day goes past without thinking about suicide
i’ve been talking to all my support networks but unfortunately i can’t get to see a psychiatrist for at least another few weeks and it’s gonna be even longer before i can get into a psychiatric ward and i just don’t want to fucking wait anymore
i’m sick of everyone keeping a close eye on me
the family member watching me tonight is going to bed soon which means i can sneak out of the house and go to my local train station
i don’t want to use a train but every other feasible method has been stripped away from me
i don’t want to do this deep down but i know it’s the only thing for me right now especially since despite all my cries for help, i’m still not urgent enough to receive any care
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to hurt myself **warning for blood and self harm obvi**
I've self-harmed before but it wasn't very extreme. I mostly did it with scissors and I didn't really bleed at all it just stung. The last time I did it was sometime during spring of this year, idr but the times I've done it then were during some extremely emotional moments/breakdowns, never quite like what I'm experiencing right now.
I don't know why but I keep thinking about seeing my blood spill and spill and I get this intense urge. I want to slice my own skin and see what happens. I want to see the blood. I just want to fucking...mutilate myself. I don't know why. I've been going to therapy and I've never had any violent urges before, at least not like this. My mood lately has been...normal? I'm not suicidal all the time anymore, at least.
I just really want to destroy my body. I want to bleed. I want to feel pain. I don't know. I'm scared but I'm not posting here to ask for help or advice or anything. i just don't know who to mention this to bc im afraid of telling my therapist and im afraid of being sent away to a hospital. it's just like an itch that i can't scratch.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else cry when someone is unhappy with you or after being scolded? I just got a stern talking to from my boss about a mistake I made and I managed to keep it together while talking with him but as soon as I got off of the phone I started crying and wanted to hurt myself. Ive been crying off and on for the last 40 minutes and I need to get over it and move on. I wish I was more resilient. People make mistakes and not everyone is going to be happy with you all of the time, I need to learn how to bounce back and go back to getting work done not sit here and cry uncontrollably for almost an hour.
Does anyone else struggle with this sort of thing? How do you deal with it?
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self.Anxiety
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My kids refuse to move out because they won't walk [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Is it worth it? Work, social life and money.
One of those three things I have.
Im a pretty seclusive person in general,
Especially since I've gotten sober 3 years ago.
It seems as if I've lost contact with everybody. When I was high on crank going on a 3 week binger it felt like I was hanging out and having sex with alot more people. (Probably because I was.)
Now all it feels like I do is work 12 hours, Come home and sleep 4.
I recently started talking to this girl at work and it felt like finally I have met someone I have common ground with. Turns out she lied to me, led me on and is more than active sexually. (Hoe-ish). So now that I've told her to fuck off I'm back at square one.
I'm on the fence of self destructing again and throwing everything I've worked for away because what's the point if you're not happy.
I feel so alone and obviously nobody gives a shit and I'm venting to random people on the internet. Welcome to my life.
Only solution I ever see is at a bottom of a bottle :/
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self.depression
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TTW you think you’re not bipolar but then remember you went manic and got hospitalised couple of months ago #yep
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self.bipolar
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Yesterday was my birthday My 26th, and I am already depressed about that, but my only surviving parent didn't even bother call/text/social media anything. All aboard the deeper depression train
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self.depression
|
Years of thoughts, I don't remember not wanting to die. Suicide has been a tango of thoughts all my life.
I guess you can say, laying thinking of my ex, one of my closest friends right now, my sir, this morning, is hurting me a bit.
I always knew, and still know, that one day I'll just drop off the face of the planet, with a backpack of pills and alcohol, hike up somewhere beautiful and die.
It's just a matter of time, I suppose. A race to see if therapy and my psychatics will win over my suicidal thoughts.
It will be years. I know that, I have to live for my friends, and ex, until they all are happy. Once they're happy, they'll forget me, slowly. It's okay, I already know it will happen. Then I can die, leaving the world will the most wonderful people to watch it grow.
Plus getting pills will take awhile anywho. Being underage also makes obtaining alcohol hard. So I'll wait. I've been waiting most of my life, what's a few more years?
Gosh this is a bit much. I apologize, haha.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I HATE THAT THE SMALLEST THINGS SET OFF MY ANXIETY BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE I CAN'T HAVE A SINGLE NORMAL INTERACTION WITHOUT GOING CRAZY WITH STRESS AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM
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self.Anxiety
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I may have bipolar. Now depressed and going through college final exams. Help? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I’ve just ended a 5 year relationship. When I was growing up I was always the one in a relationship. I bounced from one into another over the course of about 10 years. I’m now 30. Single, and smoking a joint half way around the world from home. I was always the one that was gonna do the normal thing. Get a normal job, wife, kids house ect ect.
I almost did. Got the house and the wife. Now all my friends are doing just that.
My how things change
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self.offmychest
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Oh boy, nothing makes me feel more like a useless piece of shit than being home for the holidays! Hahahaha if one more person finds an excuse to remind me that I'm a huge, terrible disappointment, I'm going to fucking peel off all of my skin with my nails and eat it. Hey, maybe THAT'S why i fucking hate being here, Mom and Dad! Fuck my family, fuck these obligations, fuck my depression, and fuck my entire fucking life I hate being alive and I wish I was never fucking born.
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self.depression
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I think my 17m son is autistic. He’s been working with a child psychologist since he was a few months old, and getting looked at by a specialist in a couple of days. I have no idea what to do or how to handle this. I’ve been holding this in for months now and I can’t anymore.
I’ve been evaluated for ASD myself, right around the time I got pregnant. Unfortunately, as a woman, in a place with a rather small pool of experts on autism, a language barrier, and uncooperative parents thousands of miles away, it’s been difficult to get an accurate evaluation. The people evaluating me basically told me, “We don’t know, you *seem* autistic, but we think it’s a result of your upbringing and not actually autism”, ignoring the fact that I have five siblings who grew up in the same house with the same parents who are definitely *not* autistic. It’s frustrating, but this isn’t about me.
My son is about 17 months old. He’s always been healthy, but even when he was very young, they noticed right away that he didn’t respond to the ‘still face’ test. Thus began a lot of meetings to discuss how to properly raise babies, because they seemed to think I didn’t know how at all. How important eye contact is. How Important it is to talk to him. How important it is to recognize when he needs me. I had been seeing a therapist for depression, and evaluated for autism, clearly I must need my hand held from birth because otherwise the baby will be neglected. They noticed I don’t express emotions strongly on my face when I talk to them, so clearly I must never smile at my child. It’s been humiliating and frustrating.
He met most of his developmental milestones just fine, and we thought that would be the end of it. He was a little behind, but the child psychologists weren’t worried. Gradually we’ve become aware that his behaviors sound like an autism red-flag checklist. He doesn’t say any words or make any gestures. He doesn’t respond to his name. He doesn’t point or wave. He doesn’t smile at other people, and completely ignores them 85% of the time. He walks on his tip-toes. He never, ever liked soft toys. He tips his ride-on car onto its side and lays there beside it, flicking the wheels, for ages. He is oddly fixated on radiators - he will spot one across a room and rush to it. He passes time by spinning around in circles. He runs back and forth, ignoring people and toys, making ‘brrrrr’ sounds, the only sound he wants to make. He doesn’t react to loud noises, but will notice the sound of a particular tv show he is fixated on. Every new thing we notice he does, or isn’t doing, is another check on the list. At first we’d tell ourselves, well, he’s young, he’s a little behind, it doesn’t mean anything, but now, we can’t really keep it up.
He’s meeting with a specialist in a couple of days. I feel so overwhelmed by this. I love my son but I was afraid this would happen. I had such a hard time growing up, and I didn’t want that for him. I’m scared he’s going to be much more severely autistic than I am. Fortunately, though I grew up in America, my son is a Norwegian citizen and will grow up in a country that actually recognizes the need to help people like this, but still. I’m terrified. I’m not a permanent resident yet, in part because my anxiety and depression have prevented me from becoming fluent in the language. I’m afraid that now it will be much harder, because he may need special care. I don’t know what to do, but I guess maybe I needed to get this all out. I’m just...scared.
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self.offmychest
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Coming to terms with mediocrity They say I have low self-esteem. I say: I have a realistic view of myself and my abilities.
It's not about comparing myself to other people. There is always going to be someone better. SomeONES. I'm probably not even average on most of the metrics that matter.
It's just... this is who I was ten years ago, and it's going to be who I am twenty years from now. I'm slowly coming to terms with that fact, but it leaves a major question: if this is me, and I'm not worth very much at all, then what justification is there to keep on grinding on, day after day, just to pay some other fucker's mortgage on their third home?
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self.depression
|
Am I a bad person? Recently one of my closest friends anniversary for his death came around and it sent me spiraling down.
I posted a message in hope he would some how see it but instead others saw it and for the last month all I have heard is how selfish I am.
This post is very personal to me and I can't understand what I did wrong, so maybe if you can all read it and tell me?
---
Wow..... it's hard to fathom that it's been over a year since we last spoke. Logging in and seeing October 4th had me thinking of nothing but you. It seems only yesterday you were schooling me in both life & TW and I never got the chance to properly thank you for all you did for me.
I want you to know that I miss you buddy - and that you made me a better man and your memory continually challenges me to be a better person. I also want you to know that I do everything I can to remember the good times we had together & I will do everything possible to preserve those memories. I remember most importantly that you were there for me when no one else was in a very turbulent time & it really hurts so much that I wasn't able to repay you when you needed me most. You were a true and genuine friend Ben; and those are hard to come by & harder to lose.
I'm sorry I didn't post something when this initially happened.... it honestly just really rocked me man. For the longest time I couldn't even look at the world or forums without crying. The shame and pain I feel for not being able to carry on your memory on w80 will probably never go away & not for one second will I pretend to take any credit for bens recent revival, it's also why I can't rejoin as I don't deserve credit. But to those of you from the tribe reading this that are still fighting on in his memory; I have the deepest & utmost respect for you and I want you to know that I am rooting for you so hard to win. YOU WIN IT FOR BEN <3
Not a day goes by that I don't wish things could be different. I am so sorry you did what you did and that I was powerless to stop you. I know you wouldn't want anyone to blame themselves, as that's not the person you are, and I don't - but it doesn't take away from the pain of your loss. I will never have a friend like you again - and I will never forget you man. I really miss you dude.
I know you can't reply - so I won't drabble on too long but I hope you know that you aren't forgotten and never will be. The world really lost a beautiful mind and a kind soul in you Ben, and I hope you know how deeply missed you are.
Rest Easy Friend & one day I will see you again <3 Friends of the people who know Ben, always happy to talk
|
self.depression
|
I'm nothing without my medication I thought I was over it and could stay off my medication. I'm nothing. I can barely function. I've taken this since my birthday in March and nothing's changed.
|
self.depression
|
Pretty sure I just had my first panic attack, and this sub has been extremely helpful. Okay so I would say I'm a little more anxious than the average person, but I wouldn't really think that I have anxiety issues. I have low self-esteem but I get myself out of the house and I have direct contact with customers daily in my job - never had a real problem. Maybe a couple of times someone has had a rant at me and I've spent a couple of hours thinking about it, but I've never had any set-backs because of this. Recently I was promoted at work and I've been having some periods of accelerated heart rate which last around 10 minutes. Again nothing serious.
I woke up today to go to work, and a couple of minutes after the alarm went off my heart started doing the usual speeding up thing, like before you ride a rollercoaster and you get pumped. I would normally just ignore this but it wouldn't stop beating faster and faster. I found myself panting, taking really deep breaths. I got a lump in my throat and my chest was really tight.
I took some steps to reassure myself, even though I didn't know what was going on; I thought it was a heart attack at first but I'm pretty young so highly doubtful. This whole ordeal lasted for around 5-10 minutes.
After my heart rate reduced to normal and my brain was thinking normally I was just sat in shock at what had just happened. I think I just had my first panic attack and it was awful. Can you help me confirm this as I think I have quite a few symptoms?
Anyway, that's my story. As usual when looking for sources I decided to check reddit and stumbled upon this sub. I found lots of helpful resources in the sidebar and reading through the posts I can see everyone really cares about each other. Looks like I'm going to have to stick around here after what I think just happened to me, and I am happy to do so. Thanks for all being so helpful and resourceful. And thanks mods for the informative sidebar!
TL;DR: Pretty sure I just had a panic attack. It was crazy, but you guys are all crazy good at giving advice and information. Thank you!
|
self.Anxiety
|
My good days make me scared that I’m really just faking everything for attention. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I just want to die Everyone keeps telling me that I can hang on.
Survive this.
But I don't want to goddammit. I want to close my eyes and never open them again.
Disappear from this world and never come back.
I just made 218 cuts on my legs. I'm lying on the floor, writhing in pain.
But I STILL feel lonely.
Humans have advanced so much but we still can't make a pill to cure loneliness?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Took a whole bunch of pills. Will probably die soon. Ama? Haven't written a note or anything. Was thinking about doing this for a long time, and I just did it I guess. I don't have any friends or anyone worth contacting. Good bye and good night if I don't reply again.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Horrible day.. quit my job on the first day. [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Wanting to seek help before it's too late I'm just wondering if anyone here has experience with getting help with depression/suicidal thoughts while on government healthcare (USA).
A little bit of my story:
I've been *sad* as far back as I can remember, but I've never been to a doctor or psychiatrist about it. My parents were abusive and outright refused to take me for a diagnosis or put me on antidepressants. Fast forward to today, when I'm on government healthcare (but haven't used it for anything... I haven't seen a doctor since I was 14/15 and I'm 26 now.)
My feelings haven't gotten much better but I was managing until this past summer. Now I've quit my job, my boyfriend is my only source of human interaction, my only transportation (can't walk on the street where I live. Not safe to take the bus, either.) So I'm just completely isolated. He was taking me to work because I just couldn't afford a car or the insurance, and now I'm stuck at home all day, trying to study.
I've been at the edge these last few days and I'm not really sure if I'm going to be able to pull out of it this time. I've given suicide some pretty serious consideration over the last thirteen years, so I'm definitely battling the feeling that it's all I have left to do. I'm terrified. I've talked with my boyfriend about it extensively in the past, but he's *not* a psychiatrist so it's not like he can really do anything.
|
self.depression
|
I can't do anything I'm supposed to I just find new ways to fill the void instead of trying to fix all the problems in my life.
|
self.depression
|
I know that I would not be sad if my parents died. Is this crazy? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I need to get my shit together badly, but I just end up feeling worse all the time because I never can, and I don't know if that's a real problem or I just lack willpower and I'm making excuses I just started high school and I feel this a lot lately. I have a high functioning autism variant that I did a lot of work towards fixing in my younger years, and I'm now largely successful in social and working spaces, but I feel like a lot of problems still manifest in my home life. I am completely incapable of any form of time management, and it seems like I can't force myself to get off the internet even just to make breakfast when it's already 3pm. This extends to school as well; I've managed to maintain a facade of academic success by severely degrading my sleep schedule (<3 hrs on school nights), but I feel like that's falling apart. I recognize that the problem is there, and I want to fix it and do things efficiently and on time without needing to sacrifice my own health, but I just feel like I can't. Sometimes I'll sit there for five, six, seven or more hours just constantly thinking "I need to stop this, I need to go work" and I just don't. I feel so much crushing anxiety from school because I have no confidence in my ability to complete anything that isn't just a one-night assignment, and I'm completely unable to enjoy my daily life at all because I'm just constantly thinking about school hanging over my head.
I need to stop this, but I feel like I can't - but I also don't know if I really can't or if I just need to "man up," so to speak, and do it and I just haven't mustered the willpower to do that yet and I'm making excuses. I HAVE to stop mismanaging my time and sacrificing opportunities and my own personal health because I can't get my shit together. I don't know how, and it's crushing me.
|
self.depression
|
I'm sorry my love I'm sorry for the heartache I put you through. I keep telling you that I don't want depression to define me, but I feel it's no longer doing that; I just feel like I am depression. I'm sorry for the argument we just had, I'm sorry I tried to hurt myself even though you begged me not to. Whilst I was doing it all I could think was that this isn't who I used to be, this isn't who I am, but that other part of me took over. The other part that causes arguments and doesn't help me at all - that part that keeps telling me all of the bad things about myself. I don't know what to do my love, I keep trying to break up with you to get you away from me so I can't hurt you anymore. Yet, you don't let me and you keep me close because you know the other part of me will eventually thaw out and I'll realise I would be making a big mistake if I did anything. You said you can't be with me 100% of the time and I know, but I desperately wish you could be.
I've been struggling a lot with wanting to go home even though I'm lying in my own bed. I think it's because you're my home. I can't tell if I'm just in love or I rely on you too much. I know I put so much on you and you're amazing for loving someone so difficult to love.
I love you and you keep me going. Thank you my love.
|
self.offmychest
|
It's ok to hate most white people: Online dating experiment I made an online dating account across various platforms. I used a 10/10 white male model. However, in my bio i wrote about white supremacy and "looking for my aryan queen: No POC. I wrote things that were ostensibly rude and misogynist ,too, like " Please don't be fat in real life".
I got about 80 messages in one week on Plenty of fish ,alone. In all of them, i found some way to talk about race or make racist comments . Only one blocked me after i said it (she was black , anyways); a handful told me that that's not ok, but kept talking to me anyways and agreed to meet up . Virtually ALL of them were indifferent to both the profiles incendiary comments as well as my subsequent racist comments("obama is a *****r" ect). In almost every case i had to explicitly egg on an explanation about how they felt about my views. Most of them downplayed it and said "well , those are your views and everyone is entitled to their opinion, even if i disagree".Many of them also agreed to an extent with my racist views. My second message was "please tell me you voted for hillary". All except one voted for Hillary. This experiment was done in "liberal" L.A and New York zip codes. Virtually all of them agreed to meet up and gave out their numbers.
The radical indifference of racism ,alone, is enough justification to hating most white people. If you aren't actively an ally, then you're an enemy. Even white liberals.
|
self.offmychest
|
Oh no. My superpowers are gone. Just got over a month and a half-long bout of hypo/mania, with a whooole lot of drinking and a whoooole lot of somehow avoiding being hungover. (We'll skirt around the fact that I probably shouldn't be drinking to begin with, for now.) That was definitely the longest episode I've had so far. They seem to be getting worse the older I get.
I'm cycling now coming out of it and thought going hard last night would be a fine idea.
Everything hurts.
|
self.bipolar
|
i always just think about everything in my life that's happening, and i want to cry. but i can't. the title says it all, there's so much shit happening in my life right now, shit that i've messed up in. and i want to change, i've been trying to. it just doesn't work because, one, my dad calls me an idiot, criminal, and that he won't even care anymore because 'he knows' i'm going to jail. two, my mom is so disappointed in me and i love her so fucking much like she's my mom. three, my little fucking brother hates me whenever i try to show affection, he was the cutest kid ever growing up, i'm sorry if i can't look at him and not hug him or kiss him on the cheek. four, i got caught smoking weed which is part of why my parents hate me so fucking much, it was the only thing that made me happy. but i stopped smoking it for my family's sake, and now i just smoke black and milds to take my mind off of things. i try to hide, shut everything away, it just doesn't work because the things that are going on makes it impossible for me to sit in my room all day and not give a fuck about anything but laying in my bed watching ghost adventures or going into my closet to write songs in a journal. the only reason i haven't commited suicide is, i'm not sure how life is going right now, but in 10 years, i might be past all this i think, and i want to have a wife, raise a family. i'm not worrying about how my family will feel after i kill myself because they show no sign of them caring for me in the first place. i'm not even going to lie to you guys, i'm 16 years old, male. i've been raised really great, nice house, nice cars, you know, money. but ever since eighth grade, i've been introduced to a gang type lifestyle in school by hanging around some kids. i go hit licks, rob people, even my own uncle but that was because we don't even talk to him anymore, we're on bad terms. i'm failing school, right now i'm going through an expulsion process for having weed in my bag, so thats fucked too, my dad thinks i'm a low life criminal who does nothing. i've literally stopped everything because i want to change like all i do now is download games on my laptop and play them, you know, grand theft auto san andreas, the modern warfare trilogy, assassins creed, but he still does everything he does, call me names, yells at me, puts his hands on me, always reminds me of what i've done in the past. i just want to go in my room and cry into my blanket until i finish crying twenty years later, but i know that won't happen, i'm supposed to be a hard ass gangster crip bitch that robs people and breaks the law. fuck that shit. theres literally so much emotion in this post, you don't even know. i fucking hate my life. lately ive been thinking of wanting to make one last rap song before i go, to show everyone how i'm feeling and then i want to end it all. i'm writing this from my bathroom, that i go in to hide. thank you guys for listening. i'm sorry for wasting your time by reading this but i just need help. i'm on the verge of breaking down man.
|
self.depression
|
Help with reoccurring depression and anger towards some people?! This will be a long read but I would really appreciate it if anyone could read it and give me advice, I’ll try to go into detail and explain everything so you guys can get a clear understanding of what happened, please don’t judge me to hard because I promise I’m better now..lol. Anyways I’ll start by explaining the situation before the story.
My friends vary, some of them I’ve know for 3 years, others I met about 4-6 months ago at the time. There has been some tension between them and I for extremely childish and stupid shit, and due to my drug use (majuriana and alc), people saying I did shit when I didn’t or them exaggerating what I did leading to people getting pissed(gossip), and just overall shitty reasons. My depression at the time didn’t help and my friends aren’t the compassionate type, they think depression is a choice and if you claim to be depressed then your an attention whore and/or are sensitive.
This all started beginning of summer (after 8th grade) , think may or June. My friends (group of 7 including me) and I were all hanging out at the local amusement park, we decided to get some food. I thought this might rekindle our relationships since summer just started and we got past the horrible school year, man was I wrong. Everything was going pretty decent until we were done eating and I got the shits. I was 15 minutes into my poop, sitting there with horrible stomach pain, before the others ran into the bathroom and started throwing trash and water over the stall while laughing. They eventually cut it out and ran back outside. After I got done shitting, they were all gone and even took my back pack. I looked around for them around the mall type building we were at and eventually found out they were split into two groups. One group who was hiding (the bathroom group: 4 boys) and the “innocent” people (2 girls). I found the innocent people and asked them what happened and where everyone was, they continued to inform me they were inside hiding because they thought I would be mad. Anyways the other group came out and I told them I wasn’t mad (and I really wasn’t) However they continued to run away and hide from me. After a bit of this the bathroom group acted like my backpack was missing, I went inside the mall-type building to look for it and it was still missing, I went outside back to where everyone was supposed to wait for me, only to find my backpack there and them gone. I looked around and saw them heading back to the park, probably 1-2 hundred feet from the building. I told them to wait up and they all ran off. The fu**ed up part is im the “fat one” in the group so they knew I wouldn’t be able to catch up. After a bit, I just walked to and waited at the entrance of the park hoping for them to be done, and after 5 minutes of waiting I saw them approach the park, they were walking and talking, and they went right past me, ignoring me and any attempt to talk to them was ignored.
I decided I was done and I headed to the light rail stop to go home. When they saw this they made a weak attempt to lure me back, I simply ignored them since I was mad. The light rail approached and I saw them running towards me while yelling for me to come back, but I denied their attempts because the joke went on for way to long and I was just done with their shit.
When I finally got home (45 minutes later) I saw that they left their bikes at my house since my mom was the designated driver in the morning. I acted like I was gonna destroy their bikes over snapchat. I don’t know what got over me but I just wanted to mess with them and scare them after what just happened. After some time of scaring them with the bikes I told them I was joking. Mean while they were constantly filling their social media’s with photos and captions about how much fun they were having, they did this after I left even though we spent 3 hours together and had plenty of time to take pictures. They made sure to send me a few photos on snap. I simply left their bikes outside my house after seeing all of this and feeling like shit. They retrieved their bikes, no questions asked. This was all at the very beginning of summer.
The next few months of summer pass and they completely ignored me, never contacted me, and some even blocked me on snapchat and phone. However they still constantly hung out. I felt like complete shit being alone, and knowing all of this was because of the 1 messed up amusement park day. Around late June I hung out with one of my best friends who was apart of the innocent group, she informed me that when I left and made the bike threats, everyone was talking about how they were actually and genuinely gonna beat my ass, and they talked about jumping me and what not... I felt sick after hearing how serious they got. This was especially shocking due to the fact I thought of it as a little revenge prank. And the one girl even got shit from everyone else for hanging out with me.
The rest of summer was pretty lonely and I hung out with a few kids here and there. I was depressed about losing all my friends from the stupid shit that happened. And I never talked to any of them until the new school year (9th grade starting at the beginning of August) Overall I was extremely depressed, sad, and in horrible mental condition which worried my family a bit. I got seclusive and wanted nothing to do with anyone, I felt worthless and wanted to die. I wasn’t suicidal but I wished I was just never born.
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL:
It was very awkward seeing them all again and I didn’t talk to any of them. I did however, make some new friends who are amazing people and I’ve been hanging out with them and slowly making my way into their already constructed group. Overall the first week of school was amazing and nearly cured my depression because I felt happy after a harsh and lonely summer.
Over the next few months of school I started to rekindle a relation ship with some from the amusement park day, and even started to hangout with some of them individually. I started taking adderall for my ADHD and I’ve been getting very good grades, I’m very productive and what not, and I’m overall way better then last year.
Now here’s where the issues are present;
1.No matter how hard I try I sometimes cry at night remembering the pain I felt over summer, I get extremely mad at myself and the sick joke they pulled that day and I just can’t seem to get over what happened and move on, so I get mad at everyone who was involved and I feel this is preventing me from rekindling a relationship with some from the amusement park day. I do want to be friends with them but I just can’t seem to bring myself to forgive some of them, some moments they seem chill, and other moments I think of them as evil bullies and horrible people. I heard they wanted to be friends again and that they think im chill now but I just can’t seem to forgive them. [My question is A.how do I get over this, and B.should I get over this and be friends with them, or did they hurt me beyond what is forgivable?]
2. Was this my fault? I’m not looking for people to tell me it wasn’t, I want to truly know what you guys think about it and who’s fault it was and what not.
I appreciate all answers and if you read all or most of it, thank you! (Ps: I’m a teenage boy, 9th grade)
|
self.depression
|
I keep feeling this sense of impending doom and I have absolutely no reason to. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm just done I thought I was getting better at controlling my suicidal thoughts. But today...today I'm just done. I feel so alone and so much is going on in my head that I just don't want to live anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I have an issue, I can't seem to fix it I have a major issue with myself. It's present everywhere in my life but it tends to really show itself with school. I have a procrastination problem, if it could even be called that, seeing as half the time the stuff never gets done. I know I have an issue with this, and I know the repercussions of procrastination, or in this case, just not doing work. That's the same reason I want to kill my self sometimes, I'm just wasting mine and everyone else's time. I'm putting myself and my family in a debt for nothing by going to college, and it hurts.
I don't know where this issue came from, how it started, or anything like that. It's just been with me for the longest time. High school was different, I was luckily pretty good at testing and passed high school with a 1.7 GPA. I was also lucky enough to get into a decent college with that GPA due to excellent SAT scores. I had so many chances given to me and I blew them all.
The problem itself works in interesting ways, I'll convince myself I'll do it later, even when I know I won't. I'll convince myself I'll wake up early to do it, and even if I do I'll convince myself I don't have enough time so I won't try. I used to think it was a computer thing, that the computer was too distracting, but removing it doesn't help. I find other things, and if I can't, I'll just sleep. I have a final today that I start in 30 minutes. I told myself I would study this morning, and just never did. Even right now I don't know if this is just another way for me to avoid doing my work, as I normally just internally deal with this shit.
I know what I'm doing to myself, I feel actually sick right now, knowing I'm going into a test to fail and that it's all my fault. I feel sick to waste mine and my parents money for sending me to college. I feel sick knowing that I have this major issue. And I'm just tired of feeling sick and torturing myself. But I know I have the problem, and I also know I don't have the solution.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
i can't stop thinking about her... ill never get to see her again and it's all my fault I should have said something she was the only friend I ever had and now shes gone... i just wish I could have told her all the things I felt when she was around :,( im going to be with her again soon I just need to let the medication take me away to the same place it took her
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I am a good person and I still want to die. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Doom Does anyone else's anxiety get worse when things seem to be going well? I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and the longer it takes the worse its going to be I feel. Sorry if this doesn't make sense.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I just fucking lost faith in the only person I thought understood me [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Considering Suicide as an Option Relatively new to reddit, and understand this isn't a place for professional help, but thought I'd post this anyways. A bit about myself:
- 24yo
- financially stable
- healthy (long distance) relationship - more than willing to support me through depression treatment (therapy, etc.)
- relatively decent support group (friends & family) - however not many know about my depression
- I've felt a pretty serious loss of interest in work and hobbies that I previously enjoyed (though it has gradually been getting worse over the past few years, just really bad this year)
Despite all this, I still feel like everything is pointless/meaningless. Not quite sure what to do - and this has been dragging on for so long that I feel like suicide is the only option left. I feel o sverall boredom and just lethargic about life/living.
|
self.depression
|
After planning things the entire year for my friends, I had a very lonely 21st birthday. Where many people even didnt bother wishing me. Its not just that, i have never gotten a birthday surprise in my life and despite of planning things the entire year for all of my friends, none of them did anything for me.
|
self.offmychest
|
I try to ignore my suicidal thoughts but they always come back stronger. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
lifes kicking me in the shins i dont even know how to start,
in the past year i thought things were going up but the past 3 months have been a repeated beating.
i took over a head chef job 8 months ago and put my own menu on and stuff and it feels like im drowning in criticism,
my girlfriend of 2 years came out of the closet which i have no problem with because thats her life and she struggles with it more than i ever will.
i love her and i support her as she does me but i dont know where i stand in this mess.
i moved far from home for my career and i have no family support whatsoever.
ive been seeing a therapist but with my hours and his schedule i have cancelled and rebooked multiple times
i have already attempted to kill myself in this 3 month period and ive been honest with my friends about it but all i ever get is talk. "go on medication" harden up etc.
i feel like ive lost control of my life and even as i type this i avoided confrontation by going and getting boozed up until they left my house.
i feel like im shouting help repeatedly even to the owners of the business all my friends and a few reasonable people in my family
ive messaged suicide lines ive cinstantly convinced myself i need to stay alive but i feel like reality is just beating me down no matter what i do.
i feel like this is nonsensical and frantic but what do i do now
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I just want to reassure, you’re not alone. And you’re worth every bit of clear happiness you want. I saw this on another social media platform, and it really hit me. I feel like someone else might feel good too.
“Dear person reading this I hope your day has been going well, if not, I hope it gets better. You are an amazing person who will inspire others to do great things so keep up the hard work. I know you may feel unimportant or insecure at the moment but know that you are a beautiful human being inside, outside and you are important.”
|
self.Anxiety
|
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