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I'm losing my patience I'm not really sure why I'm posting this, maybe just to get it written out. I don't really want help and I'm sorry if it's a bit long.
I am a firm believer that there are aspects of ourselves that we can know with certainty and that others can't or shouldn't question. For instance, if someone decided that they know, deep down with unwavering certainty that they are a Christian or a Jew or vegetarian we accept that. If someone comes out as gay we accept that they know this about themselves to be the absolute truth. I give these examples to illustrate a point. I know, with every fiber of my being that I shouldn't be alive, I'm not supposed to be here and I want to die very badly. I've had this conscious thought since I was 10 years old and every day since then has been torture.
I have tried in the past to get therapy thinking that something is wrong with me and I could be fixed. Every single time has been an unmitigated disaster. Fear of being incarcerated in a mental health facility (which has happened the 1 and only time I ever expressed my suicidal thoughts) has kept me from opening up and as a result any counseling I've gotten over the years has been frustratingly pointless as mental health professionals refuse to even entertain the idea that I know I shouldn't be alive.
I'm not a religious person but I still pray every day because if there is a non zero chance that god exists I can't afford to miss that opportunity. I pray every time I go to sleep that I never wake up and each time I do I get more and more frustrated. I pray for the strength to take matters into my own hands and every time I lose my nerve I hate myself a little bit more. But I still pray and force myself to really believe that each sleep will be my last.
Maybe the frustration is just latent will to live draining away and one day, if god doesn't do it for me, I'll finally be able to do what should have been done decades ago. Honestly, the hope of death is the only thing keeping me from madness.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just got myself out of an abusive relationship - I need someone to talk to [deleted]
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self.depression
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Tv show/series with main protagonist loner Hey everybody, i need a serial like that to feel more comfortable, well atleast an anime like that...
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self.depression
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I don’t want to kill my self, but I want to die I couldn’t do that to my family and dog and some friends. I wished I’d just somehow die
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self.SuicideWatch
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My Life 1.00 My life in parts:
I've been wanting to vent out for a while but I haven't really found a good place to do it. I've tried different places; for example Twitter and Quora. I am attempting to use Reddit and, if I find it to be everything it's cracked up to be, I am planning on writing several parts to explain most, if not everything, that I find troubling about my life. I will start with my social life.
This is a time of the year that I find both particularly enjoyable and a bit depressing. This is the oxymoron of the month of December. I love the snow, I love seeing children having fun out in the snow, and I love christmas. At the same time, it also makes me think about my own life and everything that I've missed out on in my life. Children are out snow sledding and laughing. Now, it's not that I never got to experience this for myself (because I did), but I sorely miss having a person in my life that I can have fun with. Watching them, thinking how good friends they must be, makes me feel a little left out. I literally don't have any close relationships like that with anyone, and I haven't had one in years. I'm about to turn 22 (ah... the joy of birthdays), and I haven't had a relatively (didn't last very long, and I'm most certain that not everyone enjoyed my company) steady group of friends since the age of 15. From the age of 11 I've only had friends sporadically (from 11-15, not 11-22). Basically, what I'm saying is, I've been struggling socially since the age of 11. Everything was good socially up til the age of 10. Now I'm no longer able to form any meaningful relationships with anyone, and it certainly hurts my spirits.
Another important event that happens in December is of cours New Year's Eve. I spent last year alone, crying, sleeping, watching a movie (that I spent the whole day on because I kept crying and just had to back to sleep to ease the pain), and browsed through Instagram to see how much fun everyone else was having. I don't know what I'll do this year, but I expect a good movie and/or a good book is on my list. Perhaps I'll feel sorry for myself, perhaps I won't. Then, not long afterwards, I'm going to "celebrate" my 22nd birthday.
I am planning on moving away after the upcoming year. It is my intention to move away to go to a university. There I will live alone and away from my family. I expect this to be a challenge. The only thing I know for a certain, based on YEARS of experience, is that I will not make any friends. THerefore I will have to life in an apartment by myself, because there is no way I'll be able to share one with other students. I just know I'd feel left out if I did. I wouldn't have been a part of the group. Perhaps they'd invite me out to things, but that would only be to try to include me (which wouldn't have worked anyway) and because, I assume, they'd feel sorry for me because they'd see I had no one to hang out with. All the others would have friends and girlfriends/boyfriends over while I'd be by my lonesome at all times. I know that part of experience that makes it fun to move away to study is getting to know new places and people. Sadly, I know all too well that this isn't in my cards. I'll get to know new places, and I'll make some new acquaintances, but I will not make any friends. Therefore I feel it's best to have an apartment for myself where I can "hide" away and no one will be the wiser. They may suspect something, but at least I won't know for sure that they know how pathetic I am.
Yes, I used the word "pathetic" to describe myself. Why? Because I've failed miserably at something that seemingly everyone else excels at. An essential part of human nature is not a part of mine. I can't make friends. I can't form any close relationships. And no, I've never been in a relationship with anyone (pathetic).
At this point, I have given up. I know my limits. I'm just trying to accept this. I kind of have, but I still don't like it though. Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I'm not. I envy others. Sometimes I get really jealous when I see how happy other people are. I'm not the biggest fan of hearing about people expecting a baby, getting engaged, dating someone new etc. It's a real nasty feeling but, I can't deny it's existence. Luckily I'm able to hide it well. I do manage to feel joy for others though, but I still have this nasty feeling underneath it all, that just makes me feel kind of terrible. I hate it, but I also kind of hate hearing about how successful others are socially.
Thank you for reading my lengthy post. I will post more if reddit works for me.
- MyLifelines
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self.offmychest
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Living life really hurts I just want to tell about my life, my feelings about it, and maybe have someones help or opinion about it
Well, here it goes. It all started while i was doing poorly in my studies in high school and that really lowered my confidence and ability to keep trying. Then i had my first car accident. I was devastated as i never wanted it to happen and people criticized me for that. I feared of going out in public because of the terror i felt around people. Even till this day, I'm still scared of going out. During my last year of high school, my grade dropped dramatically and barely had enough good grades to get into a college. I would fail test and assignments; it was hard and sometimes i would hide from others to avoid comparing works and grade. Now on to college, i got into the program i was interested in. I struggled to pass my courses. I studied so hard for them and it just lead me either fail a course or just barely pass it. I'm even taking one of my failed courses for the third time. In my second year, i got into my second car accident and it felt like it was end for me. I almost committed suicide that day, which would be my 3 attempt. I do also work, but I'm working in retail which isn't really me forte and terrifies me, but i need the money to support myself and pay for school. My parents tell me that I'm failure and that i cause so much problem. However they still insist they care for me, but inside i know they don't and pretending they do. I don't have any friends and I'm too scared to make any. My room is the only place i feel safe and protected from the outside
Because of what has happened, I've become depressed and unhappy with my life. Ive realized that things always get worse and that maybe death is my only way to make things better. Like i said, i attempted suicide 3 times, but each failed attempt is so painful that each day of life hurts me. Am i really that terrible of a person with a shitty life, or maybe I'm just a hopeless person who can't do things right at all. I do look for answer out of this, but maybe suicide is the best choice for me and want to give up.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thank fuck for automatic doors. No more awkwardly gauging what is an appropriate distance to hold the door open for someone.
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self.Anxiety
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Wanting to apply to another job, afraid to fail I am 20 and work as a detailer at a bodyshop making $10 an hour 45-50 hours a week. My friend who works at a warehouse always tells me to work there because they give raises, pay more, and oppurtunity to move up to forklift driver. Only thing is this job is known for its high turn over rate and in my town either you have worked there or someone you know has. I just dont know what I'd do if I couldnt make it. The thing that makes me think i can is all of my friends who have worked there did it, they just fount different jobs. Any advice?
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self.Anxiety
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Dont want to die but, thoughts come in hard! [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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If there is a god , he will have to beg my forgiveness [deleted]
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self.depression
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I’m tired of crying for something that could be fixed I lost my cat a few months ago and now the only thing I think might help fill that void would be to have another cat. My mom won’t let me have another one though, I know she knows it would help me but she won’t give in. It would be far from a fix for my seemingly infinite amount of problems but even the smallest amount of happiness would make a world of a difference for me. Does my mom care? Does she want me to stay like this? I would do anything to have another animal because when I had my cat I had a friend. Without him I’m completely alone.
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self.depression
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My date told me: "I can't pursue this because I am not capable of handling mood disorder. So sorry." This was several days after a very nice meal was shared and it came up that one of her past boyfriends has bipolar and is/was an addict to a couple of things.
I am not an addict and I felt that she unfairly lumped me in with him.
It's no great loss as this was only the first date, and I suppose I should be glad that it ended as swiftly as it did.
Just felt like getting that off my chest; thank you for reading.
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self.bipolar
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I need a job Hey
Let’s start with this
I am a civil engineer
In UAE
With shitty salary
And haven’t took it for 4 months
I can’t find new jobs
I don’t mind any paying well jobs
That actually pays me at the end of the month :(
Add something to that
I don’t have any friends
I’ve been alone for so long
That I can’t make friends anymore
My whole life is a big “Meh” these days
I have no interest in anything
I really think a new job would solve my problems
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self.depression
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Is The term Mania derived from mana as they seem to be quite a similar concept? You say someone has a lot of mana or spiritual power,I am schizophrenic but I have manic flights every week where I write novels,feel utterly inspired by everything,feel thrilled by everything,very happy then it all falls flat and goes,but I wouldn't call myself bipolar.To me it's as if I'm full or flooded with some sort of spiritual power or magnitude maybe it's because I'm a 1/4 tribal African that I think like this.Does anyone else think mania is sort of like mana.
Oh I see it's just Ancient Greek for madness,but it never feels like madness to me.
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self.bipolar
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What do you do when you just feel Overwhelmed with all the bad stuff in the world? Lately, I've been feeling awful about everything. From eating animals to seeing things happening in other countries, I just get extremely depressed and don't want to leave my house. I feel so guilty that I get to go to school and have an a great life while others have the exact opposite situation to me.
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self.Anxiety
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I hate how mild depression is like having this fogged up lens on life For the first time ever, I think I've been able to discern between normal and mildly depressed. I'm going through the latter right now after my euthymic mood took a downswing over the weekend. I crashed hard, broke down sobbing on a bench in public seemingly for no reason whatsoever other than a mood shift decided to occur. I worked so hard to get to that 'happy' point, and then it all gets taken away in an instant.
Anyway, since yesterday, my mood has lifted a little bit. I'm just mildly depressed now, and it feels even more disgusting than full-blown depression. At least then I can feel things, but with this mild depression, all I feel is sort of disconnected or empty. Things are just happening and I'm somewhere else. There's a fog over everything; not so thick I can't see, but thick enough that it's obscuring the details. It feels like I'm just existing and going through the motions, not really living. I spend 90% of my time here. The meds have never helped with this.
What do you guys do to get through the fog and feel normal again?
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self.bipolar
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Incapable of making decisions One of the most frustrating symptoms of my anxiety is the inability to make a decision; or if I do, feeling comfortable with my choice.
It tortures me every time and it’s usually over mundane, unimportant things.
For example, I switched my iPhone 7 to the 7+. I have 7 days left to either return my old phone, or return the new one. I’m an anxious mess over what I should do. And I don’t even know why. I guess I just can’t decide which I like more. I wish I would have never got the plus in the first place, then I wouldn’t have to worry.
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self.Anxiety
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i just handed in my physics final and i know i failed. im done fuck school fuck everything im a failure
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self.SuicideWatch
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Conversion disorder anxiety So I just found out this was a thing and I think I have the symptoms but than anxiety can cause the same symptoms
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self.Anxiety
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Advice on journaling for anxiety Any recommendations for format etc that work for you? E.g. Listing things then going into more detail, or having a specific set of questions you answer each day regarding how you feel?
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self.Anxiety
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Morning Hope Hi, depressed friends. I have recently discovered a method of personal accountability, hope, direction, and creating my perfect day. I hope you give it a try or alter it to work for you. It's saved me from depression naps and wasted days. And if you're wondering, it doesn't require sobriety, diet, or exercise.
It's keeping a journal and writing in it every morning without fail. What I did was I categorized my projected day into five things I want to accomplish: my categories are financial/school, physical, mental/emotional/spiritual, social, and odds & ends. So I choose one thing in those categories I want to improve upon or progress. This way, I PLAN to feel like my day wasn't wasted; I will have at least completed five things I consider important to me.
Now, I allow myself breaks if I'm not feeling social... like I'll plan a D&D campaign or just text a friend I haven't kept up with. Something to prepare for another day.
For the physical thing, I can work out or just have a habit or goal in mind for that day. Because it's about PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION.
After I jot the things I want to accomplish down, I write a schedule or order of fire. Keeping track of just one day is much more attainable and less overwhelming than big calendars. Check it out, guys. Wouldn't you like to schedule your perfect day EVERY day? This is literally that. Figure out the best method to get every thing done at the optimal time. Just do the next thing on your list.
One thing I felt when I had done it for a while was "well, if I don't do my list exactly, then I feel like a failure". But I quickly realised that I was still way more productive and happier than usual AND I learned to stay flexible. If I couldn't change things up in my day, I could usually get the task done later and rearrange my priorities the next day.
My friend told me to "plan my life and live my plan". I hadn't been planning on living past 30 until I heard that and took it to heart. So if there's a big goal I have in mind, I will also allow WRITING OUT a step-by-step/day-by-day plan to reach that goal. For example, I want to graduate from college but I'm not currently enrolled and I have one more semester of student teaching to go. So today's "financial/school" category is to email an advisor about some required courses. And I have other small things to do which I will space out before the student teacher application is due on Jan. 15.
I hope you can use this idea to help yourselves. Stay strong, friends.
TL;DR: Journal every morning. Categorize your priorities in life and do one thing in each category a day. You will feel accomplished and have more direction from the one person who knows you best!
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self.depression
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Do you ever just pretend? I guess I'm flight when it comes to fight/flight. Instead of trying to make things work with my Ex, I kept just pretending things were okay. Like literally just pretended that we were dating and things were ok, and that we had a real relationship.....
Nothing like seeing her kiss another guy to destroy my fantasy.
Does anyone else do that? Get so depressed that instead of working at it, you escape into your own fantasy world?
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self.depression
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Unable to cope with anticipated loss... I do not even know where or how to start. I guess this is just another failed attempt at trying to tell myself that everything will be alright. But, nothing ever is. People around me always tell me things will be fine and eventually you will come out stronger. That is never the case. This year, I knew it would be tough, father's illness, aunt's death, and now I am losing one of my pets.
My life, always a fucking disaster. Always unable to achieve anything in life. People close to me always tell me there is so much goodness in you. But, how has that helped me? What have I accomplished with it? Not a fucking thing. I could have the best intentions but, never do I come out successful in anything I try.
Always a coward to try anything new just because I know I will fail once more. These are the decision I've made for myself. These are the reasons I am unsuccessful. These are the reasons why today I am unable to help my pet.
The one soul that gave me joy is soon leaving me. And this coward will not accept it. I feel so tired, so defeated. I just can't keep living a life of failure.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxious partner needs me to stay, I need to get space. I have this issue with my GF, who has pretty extreme anxiety attacks, spirals, self-harm, abandonment issues. She's medicated and has a therapist, and has been getting much better over the years, but this one issue still plagues us.
I have dealt with past traumas being with her, when she put me in impossible situations (don't leave or i'll hurt myself, that kind of stuff), and my boundary has been that when it gets too much (circular crying, toxic venting, accusations, threats of self-harm) I walk out to calm myself down.
Now, she has become much more independent in dealing with her panic attacks, they are super rare. But when they happen, it seems worse than before.
When it gets really bad, my own anger and anxiety begins to flare up and i need to get away, otherwise i'll just yell at her because I feel trapped. Thing is, she says she can't be alone when she begins to panic, she "needs me". Most times, I can help her, soothe her. But not always, sometimes, I just need to get out. So this ends up with me trying to leave the house and her screaming and crying and grabbing my legs trying to force me to stay. Or once I'm out, she'll call me raging and threatening with vague or dramatic suicidal terms.
It's really destructive, because walking away is all i can do to not yell at her for being so immature and manipulative (this is not judgement, this is just how her panic attack brain works).
How can we find a middle ground here? I can't handle her panic, sometimes, i just break down myself and I make things worse. I have to go, but she won't let me leave.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm Not An Artist. As a kid and teen I drew a lot. Sketches, doodles, comics. I really enjoyed art classes and excelled at them. After graduating high school (9 years ago) the interest waned. And even though it waned and I didn't share any stuff anymore like I used to, my family and my in-laws seem to think I'm some great artist who just draws all day. For the past several years they've been giving me art sets and sketchbooks and even a really nice portfolio case. I even lived with my in-laws for a year and a half and never once did anything artistic, ever. So I have no idea where they keep getting these thoughts from.
A couple years ago, though, on a whim, I decided to do some pastel pictures for my SIL for her upcoming baby. It was a gift from the heart and the only truly creative thing I'd done in several years.
Since then everyone seems to think I'm some magnificent artist, even though i told them this is a rare thing and I also cheated when creating them (I traced the animals basic shape, and then did the coloring and shading myself using the pic as a reference.) Pretty sure they think I'm lying.
My other SIL who is now pregnant said she wanted some for their nursery. She didn't tell me directly. She first told my husband, her brother, about it, who told me a couple days later. Then her sister mentioned it to me. Only after that did she herself request them.
I really didn't want to, but I'm stupid and don't know how to say no. So I agree. She then says what specific theme she wants, which makes it worse. For the past 2 months I've been trying different mediums and techniques and can't produce anything I'm even remotely pleased with. It doesn't help that 1. I'm not in the creative mood, and 2. This feels more like an assignment forced upon me, which makes me feel really stressed.
Because I feel pressure to produce something nice I'm not going into it with any positive feelings and that's hindering me a great deal. I try to wait until I'm in a good mood and feeling positive about what I can do, but that's just not enough. My heart really isn't into it, and it's showing in the final products.
I'm not getting any support from my husband. I want to tell my SIL that I'm sorry and just can't do it, but my husband keeps telling me I'm being too hard on myself, which maybe I am, but I'm not going to gift something to someone that I don't feel pleased with. Every time I try, and (in my eyes) fail, I fall into a frustrated/depressive state. And then my husband tells me I'm being silly.
Christmas is less than two weeks away, and I'm at my wit's end. I know I should be honest and upfront with my SIL, but I hate disappointing people (which is kind of ironic because I almost always assume I'm disappointing them regardless.). She's one to kind of take things personally, so that also worries me.
TL;DR - I used to draw a lot; not anymore. Regardless my in-laws think I'm some sort of artist and keep requesting things of me. Recently my SIL asked for drawings for the baby's room. My mouth said yes, my heart and brain say no. Can't produce anything worthwhile, becoming depressed, tempting to tell her I just can't do it, but I'm freaking out over the failure
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self.offmychest
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Need advice on how to move forward with my living situation. After many periods of mania and depression I've finally reached a very stable part of my life and I'm not trying to slow that roll. Problem is I'm in a very awful living situation that is frankly, unsustainable, probably illegal and generally a mess. I need to be out by the end of the month.
So I did the adult thing and started looking for apartments about 300 below my price range, applied, whole nine. I have the money, I have everything ready to go except the credit. After a couple of denials I feel like I need to come at this from a new angle.
As many of you are probably all too familiar with bipolar can do a number on your credit, and while I'm doing everything I can to remedy this situation, that's a very long term solution and I don't have that luxury currently.
I'm not trying to paint a sob story or ask for help, just advice. How do I find a new place and move forward?
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self.bipolar
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Calm and suicidal I'm calm. I feel rational. I have thoughts of ending my life that feel right. It feels like the answer. I've been super rapid cycling but this one feels like me, it feels like the right thing. I've had the thoughts before and I'll have them again. Feels like inevitably one day that's how I'm going to die so I'm prolonging the inevitable. Why not go for it? I have a sure method that's easy, painless, and no mess. No ugly cleanup. This feels like what I want to do.
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self.bipolar
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I am longing... I want to feel love. I've never felt it with another person. I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to this emotion. I genuinely feel lost. I want to have someone to hold. I want to feel wanted by someone else. But so far, through 19 and a quarter years, I'm SOL. It never seems to matter what I want, because I can't express it anyways.
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self.offmychest
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I attempted suicide and no one cared It didn’t work. I tried so hard and pushed down on that belt with as much force as I had in me, but I just wouldn’t pass out. Partial suspension hanging is supposed to be easy, yet I’m so incapable I couldn’t even kill myself right.
Nevertheless, I was found, with my head pressed hard into the noose. And nothing happened. No police, no ambulance- nothing. A call was made to my therapist, on the emergency line, and all that was said is that I should be kept an eye on- and that was it.
Above all I’m just so angry that I’m not dead. That’s all I want and I can’t have it now. Everything’s been taken away: my blades, my belt, my necktie I had made into a noose. I can’t escape anymore and I hate it. I’m being monitored 24/7 so I know now that there’s no way out. All I want is to die. I’ve never felt this terrible before. And worst of all- no one cares.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m not really sure, but I think theres a way to fix myself, I just need someone real. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Family problems i am 21 and my parents really do not listen to me when it comes to my introversion and traits of social anxiety, and i have had enough.
i was in the car with my parents today, and they randomly brought up next summer. we are going to a holiday house for a couple of weeks next year and they are inviting 5 or so old family friends (friends of theirs.) they said i have to socialise with them and i am only allowed very short time-out periods. plus, they are not letting me drink alcohol during the daytime. (they sounded needlessly angry and annoyed with me.)
i asked them if i can socialise for one day and then the next day, recharge in my room by myself the next. but they said that is not fair and unreasonable and they said if i carry on my attitude; it is best i do not go. when i am at home, i socialise for a day, the next day, i recharge by myself the next. surely, i should be allowed to do the same on holiday, right? (i did my best to voice my concerns calmly.)
not only that, they are making it compulsory for me to attend all the family meals. even though, they said once i turned 18, i decide what i wish to do. they have gone back on their word and that upsets me hugely.
any advice?
NOTE: these friends of my mother and my father are only joining us for 5 days and nights of the holiday, but still feel very overwhelmed.
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self.Anxiety
|
To feel less lonely... I wish people on dating sites were more honest...that people posted things more honestly. To feel less alone in the world afraid of what someone thinks afraid to test the waters. Instead you’re in your room passing the time trying to find a job, watch YouTube, play video games, look at dating sites get depresse anout how others people’s lives seem just a tad better than yours, then you masturbate to pretending to make love to someone who accepts you for who you are...are honest in your responses. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
But then the depression kicks in again making you feel alone in the world waiting to die as to never feel anything ever again...and that to a degree brings a sigh of relief. To know once you’re dead you never have to be alone or disappoint anyone ever again.
But deep down that lonely part of you that only wants companionship someone to talk to, someone to hold on to when you’re down...but no one talks like that on dating sites. I wish there was a dating site where the requirements were to be honest. So you can see if you really have a chance or if you’re just wasting time.
I usually answer people’s problems on here...but I’m too tired...physically, mentally, emotionally. Where the only escape from reality is sleeping...where you get to forget and have the life you want and to never wake up ever again. Just felt like ranting I guess....some days are just so god damn exhausting.
Can such a dating site exist?
But why bother when you don’t know what you want in a career...just things you know you can’t do or won’t do. So exhausting...usually death is scary...but at times like this I welcome it gladly to forget everything. Hoping to be at the wrong place and wrong time during a robbery and get shot in the head.
Only time will tell...
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else sometimes get really annoyed at other people with bipolar? I have bipolar 1 and for the most part I’m relatively calm since my episodes don’t come as often and I have a friend who is also bipolar, I can’t deal with the hyperness of her when I’m not at the same level to the point of like a frustrated rage, she acts really entitled and does the most inappropriate things when meeting other people and I don’t I guess does anyone else freak out because they think holy crap am I like this?
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self.bipolar
|
Rant. Fucking hell it's hurting. I think I had too much "social interaction" the last 24 hours. And by social interaction I mean talking with some internet people.
Point is, I keep a pretty tight lid on my feelings which consist of nothing but the deepest agony and blackest despair. Whatever the reasons.
And I'm not talking about sad. I'm talking about the death of all that's good and beautiful. I'm talking about teeth-gnashing, writhing on the floor painful. In every fibre of my being. I wish it'd be physical, so I can cut off whatever body part it is. Instead it's emotional, and since I can't cope with it, I fuck me up by dissociating any emotion.
Really makes me understand people who cut themselves.
Anyway. I regularly break down, bawling like a child. However this time the pressure is immense. An entirely new level. Scary.
It's only a fraction of what's seething down there, which really doesn't make it better.
I'm breathing to get a grip on it, but godfuckingdammit I feel like trying to breathing a thunderstorm away.
Funnily, I got my Exit Bag and everything ready exactly for such an occassion. I'm as curious as you are.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Muay Thai and mental illness? What's up folks? A little about me, I am a middle-aged dude currently on meds for depression, bipolar and ADHD. A while back, early twenties, I had a hockey head injury that permanently messed my brain up. To help combat it all I work out 5-6 days a week and I take Muay Thai on weekends. Here's the problem, with all these current discoveries of CTE and brain trauma, I'm a little wary of counting to take Muay Thai due to my "mental illnesses" with impact and light sparring. I'm starting to think it's not such a good idea. Thoughts? Thanks all.
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self.bipolar
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At the end of my rope * I don't think I can handle life much longer. Each night I hold my bottle of sleeping meds and think that it's a nice, easy way to go, just go to sleep and not wake back up. I'm on the verge of bankruptcy, I don't have enough money to get my medications, the easiest thing to do would be to just stop everything else and just kill myself with the withdrawals. I live with my mom and stepfather, and my stepfather hates me. He refuses to speak to me and if I'm in the room he leaves. I won't leave a note, maybe they will think it was an accident. I don't want my nieces to know I killed myself, they are at an impressional age. Maybe I'll rent a cheap hotel room and do the deed there. Then I wouldn't be a burden and a disappointment.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Most days I can get on by just fine. I suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts for the past 5 years now but I feel I’m on the up slope now. But I’m so lonely I literally want to die. I know a relationship won’t magically fix anything but I just want someone I can talk to that likes me the way I like them. I want someone to kiss I want someone to love and love me back. And I don’t understand why I’m so fucking undesirable- I’m not mark wahlberg but I’m not at the bottom of the barrel either. I don’t have a six pack but I do go to the gym and I’m in shape. I like to box at an amateur level, I like sports, I think I have decent social skills, I go to school and work part time. I’m confident till they start playing games and leaving me feeling neurotic. Like what’s wrong with me? I’m gonna die with love to give, but nobody to give it to. I am gonna die with no one to bawl her eyes out over my casket cuz no girl gives enough of a fuck about me
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just want to die a death that is out of my control so that no one can blame me for being selfish and doing it myself. [deleted]
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self.depression
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How to avoid depression when living an isolated life? More or less what the title says, but let me add some context.
I'm a college student in my sophomore year and I have no friends/a romantic partner. I come from a really awful place socially and mentally; my past has a lot of bullying and thoughts of suicide, but the worst parts of those two things ended in late 2017 thankfully, due to changes I made in my life. I'm no longer suicidal, so don't worry about that.
Anyways, I live in this vacuum of social isolation. I have hobbies and I focus on school, but lately I feel like I need something more. I still have persistent negative thoughts throughout the day and also this feeling of emptiness or being in limbo is how I would describe it. It's a far milder form of the depression I've dealt with earlier in life, but I want to erase that too.
Any tips on resisting feelings of emptiness and depression when living in social isolation?
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self.depression
|
Smile You ever just look at yourself in the mirror? You smile at first but the breakdown is imminent. Tears rolling down your cheeks followed by that hysterical laughter trying to reassure you that everything is ok. No? Just me? That was months ago. Now I wish I could cry. I wish I could feel again...Those were the days even if they were sad ones. This numbness I feel now is worst than death itself to me. *sighs*
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self.SuicideWatch
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Medication interaction??!!?! So I'm on 100mg sertraline(zoloft) a day and have been for about a year. Today I had some candy and some were grapefruit flavour and I didn't realise..... Grapefruit reacts with sertraline(zoloft) and I'm freaking out.... Will I be okay???
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self.Anxiety
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Do i need to tell my parents to get help? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Is it so wrong that I'm a sensitive person? Hello, all. I'm here to talk about something I've always thought about: my emotional sensitivity.
I tend to get sad, angry, and happy really easily. However, I'm also sensitive in the fact that I'd feel severely hurt if I ever come to know that I've hurt another person. Call it being nice, but, to be honest, it's really annoying, and sometimes I just wish that I could care about other people without caring too much about myself. Also, I'm sensitive in that I'm really afraid of what other people might think of me. The last thing I'd want is to say something and then immediately think, "oh my god, that must've annoyed them a lot or "ugh, they must be really pissed off at me now..."
For example: Long story short, I have a friend who has a habit of talking over people in the middle of their sentences, and she is quick to turn down other people's ideas/suggestions. Don't get me wrong; she's a really nice person, but it's just that this part of her is what really annoys me and, to a certain degree, hurts me because it makes me feel like she doesn't take me seriously. I wish I could just tell her, "you know, sometimes, you're really fucking annoying and you gotta stop cutting people off, when they're talking. It's fucking rude." But I don't want to hurt her. I'm afraid that I'd hurt her even if I were to phrase this better. Also, I think that she could just turn down her blunt meter and just say something like, "hey, I really think that that's a great idea, and I appreciate that you took the time to think of that, but I have my own suggestion. Let me know what you think of it." Instead of, "Uh, no, I don't think that that's a good idea. How about this-?" I think that normal people would just not care, but I'm so sensitive that I even pay attention to the way people word their sentences and let it affect me.
Another example is that I try really hard to calculate what I say, when I talk to people, but sometimes, it's just so hard to calculate the correct words in a situation to make sure that the other person isn't hurt but also, at the same time, doesn't think that I'm annoying.
I hate this about myself so much and sometimes, I just wish that I'd become mute so that I don't have to worry about communicating with people.
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self.offmychest
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I said something stupid to my dad and now I’m obsessively anxious about it [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My new catchphrase I use in response to anything right now is "who cares, we're all going to die." [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Falling out of a long distance relationship after years together. For so long we've been in a long distance relationship. We've been through so much together. Yet after several years you still refuse to meet. You've always been worried that I'd go on to like someone else and because of your indecision to meet your fear has become true. I can't bear to bring it up so I'll just stay with you and suffer quietly. I just hope when you finally decided to meet that we are compatible. If not then I don't know what I'd feel knowing that I threw away another chance with another girl in hopes that we'd be happy together.
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self.offmychest
|
I am ashamed of my anxiety - what to do? My anxiety has always caused me to say and do things that cause me shame.
For example, someone unexpectedly showed up at my place the other day, and it looked like a total mess. I had been meaning to clean it up for quite awhile, but dealing with my anxiety had gotten in the way.
Another example is that I am always told I think too much. But I know I do this because of the anxiety. I can control it with effort, but I don't always have the energy to do so.
Sometimes I forget a meeting or show up late. Again, it's the anxiety.
---All of these things are preventable, and 98% of the time I do prevent them. But every now and then, I slip up. And I can't give the real reason, "Sorry I'm late, I was taking a bath to try and calm down and I lost track of time".
I don't want to feel ashamed anymore. DAE experience this? Any suggestions for how to get over my shame? I'd love to just "not care" but somehow I can't seem to stop. It hurts every time.
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self.Anxiety
|
Could this really only be just depression & Anxiety? Hello Reddit! Warning, long post!
So I'm a 23 year old guy who have been struggling with complete lack of motivation, energy and difficulty focusing in school for most of my life. My teens were a mess, and I'm currently struggling with completing my high school diploma.
The past year I've discovered a sharp decline in mental health, and my depression hit an all time high. I could sit for hours just staring at videos on my computer, neglecting to eat, shower, brush my teeth and walk my dog (unless my SO would be home to force me.)
A few months ago I started having my first panic / anxiety attacks. I'd feel like "reality" itself was sort of strange, like I was in a dream, while my heart raced and I felt the need to writhe around in bed changing positions. These anxiety attacks have been lasting anywhere from 10 minutes to 2-3 hours.
Now, I've been an avid Cannabis user for about 5-6 years and the drug has never done anything but elevate my mood, apetite, and make movies funny, but recently I've been experiencing intense panic attacks / intrusive thoughts while trying to sleep after smoking. I can only describe them as "internal" hallucinations, or "intrusive scary thoughts". Basically my mind imagines a terrifying image, displays it for about 0.5 seconds, then shows another terrifying picture.
I've been mostly smoking potent hash, so naturally I assumed all of this has something to do with that, or the fact that I tried LSD about ~6months back (never doing that again, what a bad experience.)
I'm off all drugs now, and I've drank alcohol only once the past 2,5months. Cannabis I've only quit about ~3-4 days ago though.
Anyway, why I'm here is because I've been having extensive talks with a family member who has a degree in psychiatry, as well as a phone-conversation with doctors who have worked in drug abuse as well as mental institutions. And they believe my Anxiety / Depression could be related to something else.
Apparently, I have signs pointing to OCD as well as early signs of schizophrenia (mainly hebephrenic or disorganized schizophrenia). Now, obviously I'm freaking out at this point, and my anxiety the past week has been through the fucking roof.
Some of the symptoms my doctors reacted to:
Blank, vacant face expression. People often ask if I'm tired, I don't add much to conversation.
Sounds are annoying; clocks ticking, computers buzzing MUST be turned off when trying to sleep (I rarely fall asleep anyway)
Insomnia, irregular sleep
Clumsiness & memory loss. Personality changes (IMO, SO denies it)
Involuntary movements: Lips tremble slightly, legs shake, fingers shake.
Arms & legs tremble and feel numb & tingly.
Always check temperature before going outside, always open public bathroom doors with my elbow, always extensively "wash" public toilet seats before I sit on them.
Posture & muscle problems. Tension, switching position, neck hurts.
0 motivation and energy, have to force myself outside. Easily irritated, rage hard at stupid things in for example games.
Mirror gazing. Sometimes when drunk or high, I stare in the mirror and make grimaces for no reason, as well as 'funny' faces. Happens sometimes sober.
Trust: I prefer to always be the one driving over my SO, believe myself to be a better driver than her. Believe others in traffic to be bad drivers, annoyed easily at people who drive slow.
Public & crowds: Easily annoyed in lines when people are slow and don't pay & get out efficiently and quickly. Intense anger at people who just stand there chatting, wasting everyones time. Annoyed at people in general, believe most strangers to be 'stupid' or 'inferior', but sometimes this extends to friends & my SO. Criticize people harshly when they do something stupid.
Always climb stairs in "2's", skipping one step, and count as I go up the stairs. "2,4,6,8" etc. Also avoid cracks in sidewalk cobblestones if I can, and make a "game" out of walking only on the middle of the 'squares'.
Gaming OCD: Always press "R" for Reload, even when I'm already at a full magazine, over and over. Press my "change sensitivity" button on my mouse over and over (4 modes, the setting I use is '2'.) I press the button over and over, cycling between mode 1-4, even though I'm already at "2", in fear of having the wrong setting when it comes to actually fighting someone.
Vague hallucinations? I swear I see something in the corner of my eye. When I look nothing is there.
Suspiciousness: I've been with my SO for 5 years. Lately, I've been feeling increasingly suspicious and jealous when she leaves. I can go to lengths in trying to find out if she's cheating (spying on her location on Snapchat, reading her facebook messages). <-- note I hate myself for this and don't know why I do it. She has never done anything to make me distrust her and I love her above all, and I always feel intense guilt afterwards.
Paranoia: Sometimes when walking my dog outside I'll look over my shoulder as if being followed, especially when dark. Also, when I see a car that looks like or belongs to a guy I threatened to beat the shit out of (for good reasons; he was a borderline paedophile, hanging with my teen sister.), I feel intense fear as if he's gathered a crew to find me, jump out of the car and beat me up on the street.
Excessive sexuality; can sometimes masturbate 2-3 times per day as well as have sex. Sometimes harm my SO unintentionally by being too rough in the bed.
Easily spooked. I avoid scary movies & thrillers like the plague, jump scares have a profound effect on me.
Focusing on bad things: I'm always certain that I'm cursed in some way to be unlucky for the rest of my life. Whenever something happens that's vaguely unlucky, I bring it to light and say it 'always happens to me, I'm so tired of this life.'
Extensive online symptom research: Convinced I am developing Schizophrenia or have OCD, Borderline or Bipolar disorder. Read article after article. Focus mostly on the symptoms that fit me, and stress myself out.
These are all the symptoms I can remember to list as of now. I've never been to a doctor, psychiatrist or spoken about this until now except for what I mentioned at the beginning of this post, though I'm on a path to finding out what's wrong with me. Honestly, I almost don't want to know. For now I'm asking all of you redditors who have Anxiety, Depression, or any other diagnosed illness to bring some insight in my symptoms. Am I fucked up, or is my Anxiety just through the fucking roof?
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self.Anxiety
|
Very long rant about an old crush I had back in school Hello. This is an incredibly long rant I wrote a few hours ago. It started with me writing about my current thoughts in a notepad (I'm having a pretty rough time right now, it's kind of the same problem I'll describe in the rant) but it evolved into me writing my whole story with my first crush. I have only told parts of this story before to good friends of mine, but they've only heard a fraction of what is described here.
Reading this is honestly pretty worthless. The story is not that interesting and I'm not a good writer, especially when I'm typing fast just to get the whole story over with.
I don't want pity.
I have a miserable history with love. No girls were ever interested in me, which I understand now and I don't really mind. I'm okay being alone. But my problem is falling in love with someone and then having my heart broken by them when I realize they don't think of me the same way I think of them.
This problem started back in 2014. I was 15 and just started school again with my old classmates after not seeing most of them for 3 years. I was shy and awkward, even more than I am now. There was this girl that I had met before, but never really interacted with her. Since she only started studying in our school the first year of secondary school, the same year that I left, I'm pretty sure we never even talked.
I'll call her C. Before her, I didn't understand what being romantically interested in someone felt like. My crush on her only grew bigger and bigger the more I talked to her or just saw her in general. The way she was nice to everyone, how everyone was her friend, the way she looked when she was upset, how funny she was, how she seemed interested in talking to me even if I was a cringy idiot, her beautiful long hair and of course my favorite thing about her was her smile. It's still the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I remember it perfectly even if I haven't seen her in two years. The way her eyes would almost disappear from how big and genuine her smile was.
Let me also mention that she wasn't interested in games, comics or whatever bullshit I was interested in. She liked going out, drinking, shopping with her friends and was/is a very outgoing person.
Was I just a weirdo attracted to her smile because mine was/is awful? Perhaps, but there was so much more about her that I liked.
A year went by and 5th year started. I had changed quite a bit from last year, I was still shy, ugly, cringy, lazy and awkward but I had gotten at least a little bit better. I wasn't as bad as I was before.
My school does retreats that last three days once a year starting in the 4th year. You know, like spiritual retreats? Of course, I was already an atheist back then, and the thought of a retreat seemed too weird and christian-ey to my edgy 15 year-old mind. I'm glad I went to them. The people working at the retreats were understanding of me and my problems. You would have a group assigned to you with some of your classmates and 2 organizers, which were old students from the school, and you would do activities where all the people inside the group would tell different life problems they were facing. It was all personal stuff you wouldn't be telling otherwise and it got a little awkward every once in a while but I think most of us thought it was an amazing experience.
The first time I did it in 4th year, I had a great time. I couldn't wait to do it again next year.
Second time, it was also a great time. I got my best friend in my group and it actually made us even closer. I learned some stuff that he had never told me before.
But there was something that happened in that retreat that changed my life. Second day, all of the groups got together and we watched some videos and discussed them. They were videos about treating people nicely and respecting others and all of that stuff. One of them was about learning to be less selfish. Think more about others and try to make them happier. Pretty basic, right? Well, I thought that video didn't apply to me so I mentioned that to the class. I told them that for me, it was very easy to be hopeful for others and in my mind I saw them succeeding in life but I was very cynical with myself and it was hard for me to picture happy outcomes in my future life. If you know me you know that hasn't changed. Anyways, C raised her voice and told the class that she agreed with me. Even though she always looked happy, it was all to make others feel better. She liked making others smile, but struggled when she was by herself.
I had suspected this before. I knew she wasn't as happy as she seemed, and I knew having to keep up that image of being happy when she obviously wasn't must've felt miserable. I had to do that too, act like I wasn't depressed and smile and joke around while I was dying inside.
After that incident occurred, we went out for a little break. Everyone was out hanging out just talking. I was to the side talking to one of my friends when I got the idea to approach C and talk to her in private. It took me a few minutes to gather up the courage but I finally approached her and asked her if she didn't mind talking in private with me. She told me that of course not, she actually wanted to talk to me too.
We sat down, and I don't know for how long we talked, maybe it was 20 minutes or maybe it was an hour, but I remember feeling like it was never going to end. I loved it, finally I was talking about something personal with the girl I had a crush on. She told me about her insecurities, about how she felt depressed a lot of the time and of course I told her about my worries too. Talk ended with both of us not saying anything for a few seconds and one of the organizers calling us to go do the new activity. We got up, didn't say a word to each other and we each went to our respective groups.
Me, being naive and blinded by the feelings I had towards her, thought I had made some progress. Finally, she now considers me to be a great friend of hers, or maybe even more!
Of course, that wasn't the case. And I learned that the same night I talked to her. Second day's night we got some presents from our parents with a letter inside. Telling us how much they loved us and all of that stuff. Nobody was expecting it and it was super nice. C started crying, and god this is such a dumb thing now that I think about it, but she started hugging all of her friends. When she got to me, of course I was expecting a hug from this new great friend I made, but she just looked at my friend next to me and hugged him instead. Thinking back on it, it actually makes me laugh. I was so dumb and naive.
At that time though, it destroyed me. I remember I hid myself from everyone and just cried and cried for at least 15 minutes. I got up, washed my face so no one would notice I had been crying and told one of the organizers to take me home because I had a fever or some bullshit I made up.
School started again, and even though I was depressed I went back. I'll always remember this because it was the last straw that ignited a horrible depression in me.
One day, one of my teachers didn't show up so we had 45 minutes where we just stayed in the classroom doing nothing. Me being a weirdo and never sleeping well, I sat in my chair, rested my head against the table and tried to sleep. C and some of her friends were right next to me, talking about random stuff. I was hearing their conversation, kinda annoyed that it wasn't letting me sleep. One guy said that he couldn't go out that weekend because he was busy practicing for a soccer tournament or something. I remember she basically told him "J, you want to just stay home and do nothing? I thought you had a life" and they all laughed. If it seems like a nothing comment, that's because it was. It was just a dumb comment she made that got some laughs. But of course I was super fragile and I took it as an insult. It wasn't even directed at me.
Because of what happened in the retreat and what she said back in school, I fell into deep depression. I wouldn't even move from my bed. I kept thinking about her and how much I loved her. I kept thinking about her smile, about how nice she was to me. The thought of her didn't leave my mind for weeks.
Since I wasn't getting up from bed, I stopped going to school. I dropped out and got the chance to finish school at my house. Now, I honestly still have no idea why I didn't do that. I had started it and everything but I got depression again and stopped. Was it the fear of growing up? Probably, yeah. I still regret not finishing 5th year.
There were things that she had said before that had affected me. Nothing mean, she's not the type to say mean stuff, but an example would be she telling me to stand up for myself instead of just laughing when my friends would tease me.
Of course I'm leaving some details out of the story, but that's pretty much it. I still had a crush on her even after I hadn't seen her for a full year, but then it started to disappear.
If I knew she was interested in me, of course I would pursue a future where we could be together. I still have some feelings for her, but it doesn't make me sad knowing we're not together like it did before.
I never told her any of this. She still doesn't know I had a crush on her, I'm pretty sure at least.
I haven't talked to her in more than a year. Sometimes I want to, just to check on how she's doing. Maybe I will soon. I hope she's happy, she deserves a great life.
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self.offmychest
|
Pray that my house doesn't burn down tonight It's finals. I'm so close to graduating. I've had housing issues all semesfer. I finally sorted everything out. I found a place with great roommates and I love it.
We had to evacuate. The whole county is on fire. Most of my friends are evacuating and I'm trying to convince others who don't think it's a big deal to leave now. Fuck. All I wanted to do was get some homework done tonight.
One moment it didn't seem so bad and then within the hour this massive wall of flame was racing down the hill and I told my roommates "we gotta GO. NOW"
Fuck. Fuuuuck!!
One of my roommates got a renters insurance policy as soon as we evacuated. So there's that at least.
Nothing to do now but try and sleep
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self.offmychest
|
Leave of absence? Have any of you been able to get a doctor to sign off on a leave of absence for anxiety? I am going through heaps of stress and anxiety and my current work environment is getting more and more toxic by the day. I am on the hunt for new jobs, but it's a long process. I can't afford to quit my job because I need income and my benefits; but the job is making my health deteriorate and I don't know that I can hold on much longer, so I think taking a leave of absence, of even a week or two would be helpful to help push me through until I can find a new job.
Do you have to already have stress and anxiety on file with your doctor or can you really just explain the situation and just ask your doctor to give you clearance for a leave of absence?
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self.Anxiety
|
"You've been termed out, and so we're not allowed to make appointments for you anymore." [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
If I had no obligations, I would sleep all day. I am not liking life. Help All my feelings about life: I dont enjoy having friends,talking with people, having people/family take care of me and make conversation,eating good food,having sex,driving fast cars,going shopping,buying jewelry I dont laugh at anything, i am not interested in any hobby Previously my goal in life was money but now I see that what will money bring me if i cant enjoy anything or not interested in anything whatsoever? My daily life is made up of studying for a business degree(or desperately trying to, very unproductive and retaining and understanding information is extremely hard) and nothing else. I sleep when I am tired of studying because I find nothing else to do to be interesting. Studying is a requirement so I force myself to do it (very hard, I am sleeping more than actually studying). I would sleep all day if I wasnt at university. My parents are paying for my expenses and university(do not think it is me who want to be there). LIFE HAS BECOME EXTREMELY BORING THAT I HAVE NO PURPOSE OF LIVING. I HAVE NOT CHOSEN SUICIDE BECAUSE I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING TO LIVING THAT I AM NOT SEEING NOW. Could you help me? Tl;dr: I find life and all that surround it extremely boring and I cannot live like that anymore (feeling extremly down to the point where I favor sleeping to being awake). Help
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self.offmychest
|
I wish I knew how to stop watching you kill yourself But we’re stuck in the co-dependant shitshow of two broken people understanding each other, and where I deal with my demons by internalising them so much they punish me every night in my dreams, you deal with yours by drinking them away.
I know you’re more whiskey than You these days. You’re selfish and self absorbed and on track to have drunk yourself to death before you’re 40, but I can’t walk away. We talk every night for hours - you have no secrets from me. Even when you fuck up you don’t hide it - when you’re apologizing for letting me down, you’re doing it while drinking. But you’re smart and witty and I know that despite your knack for saying all the right things about how much you love me, you don’t give a shit about anything other than booze or drugs.
I know this is terrible for me. I know that watching you drink a whiskey breakfast in the shower before work is a sad indictment on both of us. I know that you’re incapable of giving me what I need because all you can see is yourself. I know that despite all your many good qualities, you’re an emotional vampire that just takes and takes. I joke to my best friend about how I know this will end badly but I just can’t quit you. I say it like I’m kidding but the truth is, I can’t. You’re all I think about. When I’m at work I daydream about us. When my nightmares keep me awake I spend hours talking to you. There are things about me and my past that no one else in the world knows and once you’re gone, no one else will ever know.
I know I’ve woven your presence into a blanket to wrap around my loneliness and that if I’m honest with myself, it’s not keeping me warm as much as it’s slowly squeezing the life out of me. I know you love me and you want to be a better man but that I’ll never be your priority, because at this point it’s almost a matter of measuring the blood in your alcohol stream than the other way around.
I know I’m watching you die one way or another, and instead of protecting myself from it and walking away like everybody else has, it draws me in even further. I know that soon you’ll be just another loss and trauma that wakes me up screaming at night. I know this is going to break my heart. I wish I knew how to turn this off. I wish I didn’t know that even if I could, I probably wouldn’t.
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self.offmychest
|
Having Nightmares Again (Success story/Help Needed) So about a year ago I moved out of my parents house and into the apartment of my then gf, now fiance. She's amazing and has reduced my anxiety to very reasonable levels. Before I moved in here I had a lot of issues with my folks, the main ones concerning depression, anxiety and general mental help, and when I finally secretly went to a therapist I was told I likely had severe anxiety and depression. In addition, I apparently experienced an alarming number of panic attacks (at least 3 per day) and just never knew what they were.
So long story short, I met and eventually moved in with my fiance and she's great. She's amazing. I literally can't gush about her enough. A lot of things went away when I did too. Panic attacks dropped in number by a ton, my grades in school improved, and now we both hate ceremonies so we're probably just gonna sign a paper that says we're married and go on a trip. (Cuz trust me, a gay wedding around here may not go wonderfully)
But lately however, I'm having these nightmares again where I just sit in the middle of crowds of people I know and they're all yelling at me and trying to make me feel awful, and I wake up in this cold sweat in the middle of a panic attack.
I'm mainly asking if anyone here has experienced something similar and if so what you did.
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self.Anxiety
|
I try to socialise and everyone isolates me even more than when I don’t? I might just be overthinking but I’m pretty sure I’ve identified a strange pattern of behaviour in people. Normally, I just keep to myself and don’t bother anyone. I pointed out in a post on a different Subreddit that I’m an introvert who struggles to make friends. But when I try to be more social and join in with a conversation, people don’t seem to want anything to do with me.
Just today I was in college sitting at a computer closer to some people than I normally do, and for some reason they decide to get up and leave. This isn’t just a one-off thing. This happens every time I try to socialise with people. What should I do? I desperately crave some kind of social interaction but I think people just don’t like me for some reason unknown to me.
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self.Anxiety
|
Depressy Spaghetti . So I don't really know how to write this,
Just a short description of my current life to put things in to context ( ill try to keep it short ).
I am pretty much at the best I have ever been in my life, I have a wonderful partner, escaped my tiny home town filled with homophobia and limited possibilities and live in a nice City full of people from all over the world. I just started my own business and things seem to work. Nothing to complain about really.
Yet ( and here come the reason why I decided to post here), I am hit with these waves of depressive feelings, they have been there for a long time, for a better part of my life i have had these, but I thought that now that everything seems to be working out these depression waves would go away. And for a while they seemed to.
At the moment I am in the middle of one of the biggest waves of self pity and depression that I know of, each time it feels like it will go away a tiny little even manages to make it come back with full power. usually these waves can be month appart form each other and only mildly affect me, but these days it's a matter of days or weeks.
Besides not feeling great because of these feelings, I feel spoiled and I hate myself for feeling this way now that there is definitely no reason for it, and it makes me feel like a privileged piece of *****.
I am not suicidal or anything far far from that, but I just feel like I want to binge eat on chocolate and sleep all day.
Anyone got some advice on how to escape these depression waves? I'd appreciate any help.
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self.depression
|
Birthday Anxiety My birthday is tomorrow and I'm not ready for all of the attention. I've been stressing about the anxiety for the past week. I just can't wait until it's all over so the attention won't be on me anymore.
|
self.Anxiety
|
"You just need to force yourself to leave the house and do things." I reached a new low that I didn't know was even possible so I set up an appointment to speak to an MD about my medications. He referred me to an in-house therapist.
The advice of both: you just need to force yourself to leave the house and do things.
I have no idea how these two got their degrees, but this is not how depression works. If I (1) knew how to force myself to leave the house and do things and (2) actually felt better after leaving the house, I would have been cured from this shit two decades ago.
The doctor then proceeded to prescribe me with Xanax. At least now I have an out in pill form for when life becomes too shitty.
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self.depression
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Always finding reasons to make myself anxious I hate being anxious, but for some reason i always look for reasons to stress more, it’s like i want to be anxious because it is comfortable or something. My therapist believes it could be some kind of personality disorder. Does anybody else have experience with this?
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self.Anxiety
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How should i handle new opportunities /responsibilities? There have been a few instances where I accept or take on too many burdens in an effort to appeal to/ gain favour from others, and it doesn't help when my sense of self capability is inflated during a hypomania. I end up having to shamefully withdraw myself from obligations, in a worse position overall.
I am already seeking ways to manage my mood swings, however how am I supposed to move forward in my life and my career if I cannot maintain a sustainable understanding of my capabilities? Thank you.
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self.bipolar
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I should have been worried how my life was going a little to well I was finally able to adjust to a solid routine day by day. Today my boss told me he has to move my shift to the one day I can’t work.
Fuck.
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self.depression
|
Frustrated with hiding depression I can’t talk to anyone about my depression or tell people how I really feel... it drives me crazy sometimes. People ask “How are you?” And the real answer would be “Oh I just want to kill myself”. But you can’t say that... people just freak out. They don’t understand. It makes me feel so lonely. I feel like a liar and guilty. I feel ashamed of my depression.
I’m so frustrated with being depressed.
I’m fighting so hard but it feels like a loosing battle.
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self.depression
|
At a really low ebb atm, worried if it gets worse I'll end it. I've recently sort treatment with a psych, told my GP where I'm at. Been struggling with anxiety and depression for three years, but it's recently gotten really bad. The thing is, I have a fucking amazing life. I have everything to be thankful for, but I can't live like this for another year. I don't want to tell my family or friends because then I'll have to deal with their worry. Getting desperate. Could really do with some helpful words from the reddit community. How do I help myself at this point?
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self.depression
|
My girlfriend is having serious mental problems and I'm falling apart I hope to god she never ever finds this. I love her so much. So much. She's the best person I've ever met. But unfortunately, all of this is marred by deep psychological problems.
She's been to a mental institution recently, as she tried to OD on meds. She has frequent and tumultous mood swings. One minute she says she loves me and wants to spend her life with me, the next she says she's not feeling it anymore and doesn't love me at all - and this cycle goes on forever. All the crying, all the bottling up of everything, all the secrets she's stupidly ashamed of because she's certain I'll judge her. I can't help her, in spite of my all good will and my love and being a damn psychology student, I can't bloody help her. She said several times that she can't see the point of allowing herself to be helped. I keep trying to lift her up the best I can, to do things she likes, to encourage her to take care of herself. I don't get mad when she says hurtful things because I know she can't help it. I try to be as understanding and considerate as I can. Doesn't work. She promised she'll start seeing a qualified psychologist soon, but I get the feeling that she'll decide that there's no point and never get around to it.
Me, I'm strong. If we part ways, I'll probably be fine sooner or later. But I'm scared to death of what'll happen to her. I feel like I'm watching her waste away and I'm powerless to stop it. It's eating me alive and it's taking a toll on me and I just want it all to end, but I can't just leave her. I love her so much. I'd give everything to see her get better. Everything.
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self.offmychest
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Finding it difficult to manage my anxiety despite being in therapy [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Mom keeps forgetting to schedule appointment I am going to see the doctor my mom works for about my anxiety but my mom keeps forgetting to schedule an appointment. She was supposed to do it Wednesday but she forgot. Ok thursday, nope she forgot, how about today? Nope she forgot insurance info. Her doing this is really getting me anxious and agitated. I want to tell her to forget about it cause she keeps forgetting or Ill make an appointment myself but that seems rude. Idk what to do
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self.Anxiety
|
If If I had a simple and painless way...I would. It's the only way out. I need to. I'm a Jehovah's Witness who no longer believes. The cognitive dissonance I'm experiencing is pure torture. The more I am exposed for not believing the more likely my family and friends will abandon me. Including my wife my kids and my mom. I am forced to drink the "Kool-Aid" in order to keep them in my life. Also I'm unhappy with my job, although it's barely paying the bills… I am in debt hard-core. There are just so many things internally I'm struggling with… I love my family more than I love my freedom… So I cannot fathom giving them up, just because I'm sick inside. I want to die. There's so many things I wanted to do… like share my music and take care of my family in every way ..but I don't see a way.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am crying the tears now, feeling the pain now, paying the price now so that my younger self could have lived the life I will never have again.
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self.depression
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Is there any way I can contact an Anxiety/panic councillor for like 5 mins? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone else just feel terminally ill? Depression feels like dying from the inside out. Nobody can really see it. And in most cases you're forced to maintain outward appearances at work/school/etc. But inside you're just... dying.
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self.depression
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God I hate depressed people Being depressed myself I struggled to have real friends and have meaninful encounters. However, over the last years I learnt how to deal with it. It's not always the fault of people around me, but I used to be very negative towards basically anything that I became the worst company for them. I was jealous of their acomplishments, I would always point out the possible negative outcomes. I would talk in a very pesimist way and felling entitle of showing people my truth.
Funny thing, now that I'm slightly better, I see depressed people being mean to others and feeling bad for not having friends or for making them more distant. I'm really trying to be a good friend to some of them, I know that they need someone with pacience. But fuck, it's difficult to have someone by your side just mining your confidence.
I'm doing a lot of mental effort to hold everything here, my mental sanity and my friendships. But it's difficult.
I know it's not by pointing out it's the depressing speaking for them that I'll help. At least for me, having kind people around to listen to me and trying to have a more rational approach to things, helped me a lot. Even though I know they (my depressed friends) need some time to figure it out, I also don't feel I have to do this. I also get hurt, even if I repeat to myself it's not them, it's their mental ilness speaking.
Just needded to vent here.
(whatever my bad english)
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self.depression
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Having a Latina significant other is stressful at times. (25M and 25F) My SO is Latina and I come from a European family ( Irish and Scandinavian). I am very reclusive and don’t seek out social interaction very much. When it comes to my family, we’re there for each other, but we don’t exactly hang out all the time. We don’t feel the need to. If we see each other every other year, we’re good. That’s how I grew up, and that’s how I still am.
She is Mexican. Which means I basically have to date her entire family which is stressful. After work, I go to the boxing gym, come home, pour some vodka, and relax. That’s all I want to do, but my fiancée wants me to hang out with her family ALL of the time. It’s work.
One day I got a little irritated and explained to her Europeans are not like that, and that’s the way I was raised. It’s gonna be hard changing my ways after 25 years of that. She understands that of course, but gets mad at me for being ‘ distant’ to her family. But she drags me over to her parents house anyways so I just have to go through the motions.
Just wanted to get that off my chest.
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self.offmychest
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Anyone here trying keto Just curious. I did keto for a week and noticed it helped my energy and over all mood as well as my focus. My partner ended up in the hospital with pneumonia and the stress of that threw me off my diet. Starting keto again today for the long haul this time to see if it helps but I was wondering if anyone had any here has tried it and if it's helped with your symptoms
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self.bipolar
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I can't force myself to care anymore Sorry if this doesn't make sense, my memories from the last few months are a little broken. Can't really piece it together too well.
A little over 7 months ago, I broke up with my long term highschool girlfriend in search of a more fulfilling life. When we got together, she didn't want me smoking weed anymore, so I stopped. I was a pothead of a sort, so this made me a little sad, but I decided it was worth it. So naturally, when we broke up, I started smoking again. What else should a highschool senior be doing? I smoked every single day for about 7 months, trying all sorts of new drugs along the way. Cigarettes. Alcohol. Opiates. Shrooms. LSD. MDMA. Cocaine. All sorts of fun stuff. I thought that they would give me a new perspective on life, but they only left me as a shell of the person I used to be. I graduated high school about 3 months after I broke up with her, and that's when my drug use really took off. I chose to attend college about 300 miles away from my hometown in an effort to start anew, to be a different person. But now, all I am is alone. I live in a huge city with no money, I'm on the verge of failing some important classes, and have nothing left. All I want is to not be me anymore. I don't want to be anyone. I just want to be nothing. The more and more that I wonder what else I could have been, the more and more it all hurts. All the cries for help, all the lonely nights, all the account overdrawal emails and antidepressants that never worked, they all contributed to who I am as a person today. I've tried to blame people for creating the monster that I am, but the only person there is to blame is me. I'm my own Dr. Frankenstein. After I tried to kill myself, I thought it best to seek out a therapist, and maybe some antidepressant medication. Therapy doesn't do jack shit, and the only thing I have to thank my medication for is my now nonexistent sex drive. Life is so fucking bland, and christ, it's fucking killing me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Severe GAD in National Pro Sport (Cycling). (Paruresis, doping controle and GAD.) Hi, This is my first post on redit. But i didn't know where better to post my story and my feelings towards the sport I love, cycling. In particular the aspects of it at a high level of competition in the uk.
As you can see from the title I was diagnosed with GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) in the start of the 2016 season. For me it all started from when I had a panic attack during a doping control test. (For the record I'm a clean athlete and have always kept within the rules set by WADA.)
Paruresis (Shy Bladder Syndrome) is something I've suffered with as long as I remember. It was always a problem in night clubs and other busy public restrooms. But in doping control its more than a inconvenience, it could well be disastrous to my career. During a doping control test a athlete must produce a sample visibly in front of the person carrying out the test. This means he must have a unobstructed view of urine passing the body. For me this is impossible.
So what have I done? Well after a lot of trips to the doctor I'm now on a number of prescriptions. Including: - Escitalopram (20mg) - Diazepam (5mg) as and when needed. - Pregabalin (200mg split dosage) (None of these medications require a TUE) As well as the drugs I'm undergoing regular Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT.) The drugs help withe the daily struggles of having GAD, and very much take away the physical symptoms. But when it comes to the Paruresis theres a lot more work to be done. Drugs alone will never fix this.
So four months later; I'm now able to go out to pubs and nightclubs and generally enjoy my social life. I may not be able to use urinals like everyone else, but at least I don't need to leave and walk to some dark, silent ally away from people just to urinate!
What about doping control? Well here is where it gets tricky, I'm still unable to perform in the traditional sense. But after training with the Doctor and with a cleverly worded Doctors letter I'm able to use self catheterisation as a method to produce a sample. You still have to do all this in front of a tester, and yes its uncomfortable but I'm still able to race.
I'm writing this for anyone else who may be in a similar predicament. Or is moving up the ranks in their particular sport. There is help out there, and your not alone. Even though WADA doesn’t recognise Paruresis as a genuine disorder, You can officially use self catheterisation if there is a medical reason for you to need one. ( This must be provided by yourself and you must have this all signed off by a doctor)
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self.Anxiety
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Update on Emotionless after med decrease I wanted to update you guys.
I talked to my doc and he said it was natural to go through mood fluctuations when decreasing meds. I don't think he understood that I'm not feeling anything at all but I will explain that further on my next visit. I've been emotionless for a couple of weeks now and I hate it but it's better than the alternative.
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self.bipolar
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God damn fancy Christmas Parties. I hate them. I'm sitting on my couch in my housecoat thinking I'll stay inside all day until I have to go out. I have a hair appointment at 3:30 because my husband has a god damn work Christmas Party I agreed to go to tonight. Kill me now, why did I agree?
I haven't showered in days but I'm going to go have a shower, lay in bed and dry off under the warm duvet, then walk two blocks to the local coffee shop. I'll hang out there for a few hours, maybe have lunch there if I have enough money, and then go home and get my car and drive to the hairdressers.
I hope I still fit in my dress and have some pantyhose. I fucking hate Christmas parties where you have to dress up. Nothing worse than god damn pantyhose on a fat chick.
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self.depression
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Decided to check out r/bipolarSOs, and got a bit depressed So, I sorted the posts on /r/BipolarSOs, and realised that most of the top comments are pretty negative/deal with the person leaving the bipolar person and being happy about it. Thankfully there were also some positive stories where the relationships are working out despite the hardships caused by the disorder.
The reason the comments hit me a bit harder than they would is because I feel like I'm finally patching up my relationship with my ex, who left me during my first severe manic episode which lasted for 6 months, and ended up with me hospitalised a few times. Anyway, this prompted me to write a poem, so I guess something good came of it? Anyway, here it is, if anyone can relate. (Also, I'm interested in your experiences with relationships (and yes, I know it has been discussed dozen of times.).)
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
(Don't) Run
&nbsp;
Right now I'm completely stable,
Right now I feel fine.
But there's a chance that any moment,
My health could decline.
&nbsp;
Right now I cannot imagine,
Right now I can't see,
That there's a chance that any day,
I'll end up losing me.
&nbsp;
I hate that I'm being selfish,
And that I'm in need.
Can't help but to love you precious,
My love turned to greed.
&nbsp;
No one is deserving of this,
No one should endure.
Their life partner's mental illness,
Since there is no cure.
&nbsp;
Nonetheless I would condemn you,
To a life with me.
Cause I've never felt as happy,
As I have with thee.
&nbsp;
I am sure that I'm not worth it,
You deserve far more.
Than spending your days in waiting,
For what is in store.
&nbsp;
There's a chance that I'll be better,
A chance I'll be free.
But I can't, with a clean conscience
Give a guarantee.
&nbsp;
I am sorry that I love you,
And can't let you go.
I'll drag you through all my problems,
It will hurt, I know.
&nbsp;
My advice to you now follows,
Go and run away.
Find someone who isn't broken,
Who's "him" every day.
&nbsp;
I pray that you will not take it,
That you'll choose to try.
To fight this demon alongside me,
If things go awry.
&nbsp;
What I offer isn't easy,
We would need to fight.
To get through each crazy moment,
Through each dismal night.
&nbsp;
But I'd love you through each battle,
Every uphill climb.
So the the question on my lips is,
Am I worth your time?
&nbsp;
I can only give you each breath,
My whole heart and soul.
To you I surrender my mind,
Whenever it's whole.
&nbsp;
So you should decide for yourself,
If you can endure,
And get through those times of struggle,
When you can't be sure.
&nbsp;
I know this is hard to swallow,
Hard to even face.
But I'm not that good a person,
I need your embrace.
&nbsp;
Do I truly love you if I'd,
Spend my days with you?
Forcing you to live my nightmare,
And what will ensue.
&nbsp;
I imagine a life for you,
One without such woes.
It includes a better person,
Who won't cause such lows.
&nbsp;
As for myself, I will manage,
To survive each day.
Beating myself over the fact,
That you didn't stay.
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self.bipolar
|
Junior in college, less than 2.0 GPA and am going to fail all my classes this semester, just like the rest of my semesters. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is suicide never justified? Because my future looks very bleak. I know i will never can get a decent job, or a decent education, because of my disability (autism). But i don't want to live in poverty or worse become homeless either. So why is suicide never justified? Even if your'e future looks very bleak? And you know you will die young anyway? (Homelessness) most homeless don't become that old. Isn't normal if youre scared of homelessness?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I wish people would stop telling me to get better already and that I'm too moody. Like it's that easy. I really hate it.
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self.depression
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difficult to get advice i have been through the acute phase(s) of wanting to end my own life. now that the crisis is over, i am trying to make decisions about the best course of action (whether or not to still act) and can’t find helpful resources. wish there was a way to communicate with people that have completed. haven’t found communications with those that have attempted as helpful as i had hoped.
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self.SuicideWatch
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DAE feel like your depression is just an excuse and that you are the problem Am I laying in bed for hours after I wake up because I'm depressed and have no motivation in life? Or am I just a lazy piece of shit. I feel like a lot of the things I do I want to say it's because I'm depressed but maybe I'm just a shitty person.
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self.depression
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Please quit taking antibiotics for every little infection. An infection is not harmful, you body can handle most of them by itself. Bacteria is becoming more antibiotic-resistant and we could all die of pneumonia soon because we won't be able to cure it!
Stop the antibiotic frenzy for yourself, your kids, your friends. Ask your doctor to avoid antibiotics. Demand your farmers to quit using as much antibiotics.
This is a huge threat to our society and it seems like no one is taking this seriously.
Why don't people read more? Educate yourselves
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self.offmychest
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Just Realized I'm Terrified Of Losing Control Of My Physical Body/Mind. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I forgot to take my anxiety medication for 2 days straight, realised I didn't feel any different, it's been a week and I still haven't taken my meds, anxiety hasn't increased? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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How do you fill your hours? I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder several years ago and have moved from unemployment insurance to SSI disability over the past three years. I just scrape by with the benefits so I don’t have a lot of disposable income (which is probably a good thing since I used to overspend like mad when episodic.) I have a lot of interests: reading/writing, listening to music, gaming (RPG’s) but I was wondering how people manage when time seems to stretch out interminably. Do you set a routine, or a regiment for each day? Does this help you to maintain stability and/or lessen manic or depression episodes. Thanks a lot for any suggestions.
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self.bipolar
|
i’ve been depressed since i was a child i’ve always known something was wrong with me. growing up, i would never experience the happiness everyone around me felt and for the longest i had mistaken my depression for being a pessimist.
i remember being 5 and staring out of a window sad for no apparent reason and that feeling has stuck with me since.
now, i’m 18 and those simple feelings have developed into suicidal thoughts and ambitions. i’ve never been happy with my life, although from the outside in people wouldn’t understand. i have a sister, 2 brothers and 2 parents who do fight almost everyday, but they love me.
i just can’t seem to get a grasp on why other people enjoy being here. i watched my parents pay bills, and feed me without realizing they had to work 9 to 5s the entire time.. and it’s depressing.
my girlfriend just broke up with me and it’s kind of the cherry on top of a lot of things i haven’t mentioned. i’m just ready to go. i don’t wanna be here and i have my mind made up that i want to do this on friday. i’m so unhappy
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I spent the first hour of the new year getting groped by strangers I'm still pissed off. Normally I'm really chill about that type of stuff, cat calling and the occasional butt squeeze. I try to find the humor in it, make a joke or whatever. And things have always gone well (as in, no scary situations). Though of course, I'd much rather not have strangers grope me. I am a big fan of my personal space.
The place my friends and I went to is a college town sports bar. There's the main bar, the patio bar and the bar that's in the club. The club part was too crowded for me so after midnight I grabbed a seat at the main bar with a friend.
Eventually I had to pee so I got up and headed towards the bathroom. The bathrooms in the club always have a shorter line than the other bathrooms. So I headed there, on my way, in the tangle of people, some girl reached out and grabbed my tit. I looked at her and was pretty thrown off. I've never been groped my a chick. My immediate thought was that there was some kind of mistake, maybe she was aiming for my shoulder for some reason? When I made eye contact with her, she laughed. I couldn't tell if she grabbed me intentionally or not, so whatever, I continued to the bathroom, kind of annoyed but I didn't say anything to her.
Did my business, and I left. Had to go back through the club to get to the main bar. On my way I felt someone squeeze my ass kind of hard. I turned around real quick and looked at the guy.
"Dude what the fuck??"
"What? I didn't do anything"
"You grabbed my ass"
"No no my bad, it was an accident"
"No it wasn't, you **squeezed** my ass"
He continued on with excuses, I don't remember his exact words. I just told him "dude. I don't fucking know you, don't fucking touch me"
Then I walked away. I finally get back to my friend at the main bar. I was standing beside him, my elbows leaning on the bar. He let me try some of his drink.
As I was telling him about how I got groped, twice, on my bathroom journey. I feel someone grab my waist and start grinding his dick against my ass. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.
I turned around and I shoved the guy. Low and behold I know him. We're not friends, I've never danced with him, I've never slept with him, I've never showed any sexual/romantic interest in him, and almost two years ago when he showed interest in me, I shut him down. What I'm getting at is, he had **ZERO** indication that what he did would be okay.
I started yelling at him, asked what the fuck is wrong with him. He started with bullshit excuses. Same thing as the guy that grabbed my ass like 3 minutes prior. He tried to act like it was some kind of mistake?! As if that would work. I was furious, I wanted to punch him. His friend (I don't know the guy), stepped in, trying to get me to calm down. I was fuming. Told the guy to get HIS friend the fuck away from me.
A few hours later he tried explaining how it was a mistake cause he was so drunk. Seriously?!! I've NEVER gotten drunk to the point where I thought it was okay to surprise dry hump someone. I don't know anybody who has. Regardless, you're still responsible for the mistakes you make when you're drunk.
He's texted me a couple time since, I've ignored him, other then 1 text when I said "leave me the fuck alone" he had the audacity to ask what he did wrong.
I'm still pissed off about the whole thing. I'm not scarred or anything of that nature. Just mad about it. Everyone knows it's fucked up to grope someone without their consent. Yet you act surprised when you're called out on it?? Are you fucking kidding me. A part of me just wishes I punched the dry humper. I wish I made it a bigger deal than I did. What an asshole.
The whole night was a disaster. Even more shit happened. Luckily no more groping after that. But I was struggling to concentrate on working after I got another text from dry-humper. So I had to get it off my chest.
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self.offmychest
|
Just failed a class for the 2nd time. More convinced than ever I'll really kill myself soon enough. 5th year college student.
No internship/work experience nor extracurriculars, so GPA is pretty important on my end. And at the moment, in comparison with my peers (who have already started establishing their professional careers), my gpa sucks.
I was trying to double-major in my school to compensate for the fact that I'm staying an extra year. The class in question was one I had failed last Fall. It was for a major I was initially really interested; upon failing that class last fall, I took up another major to switch into (which I like, it has good job prospects too), but I felt lame for taking 5 years for just 1 major. This fall, I took up on the first major again because I saw another professor was teaching it, someone I'm familiar with and had done well in in another class of his in the past; I thought this was a sign, a second chance to "redeem myself", however as the semester progressed I realized how much I was struggling and just ultimately decided to drop the major for good WHILE hoping to pass the class with a C. And well, that didn't happen. Bombed the final. Failed the class again, gpa's going to tank, and my transcript is going to look even more awful. Got 2 more finals these next 2 days and cannot focus on anything at all.
Basically I'm a fucking idiot. It really is my fault for my poor time management & its so shameful how time management is still something I haven't grasped at this stage in life. A lot of times when I realize how much of a fuckup I am, I'm just think "if there's a higher being out there, surely they wouldn't let me be like this and have to live with the consequences for it! they must have some plan for me!", and by plan, I really just mean me meeting my death in some way. Anyway, I'm coming to terms with how dumb and how much of a problem this mindset is ... that hope that a higher being would save me and allow me die and no longer have to personally deal with the consequences of my poor decisions. It's been the root cause of me never attempting suicide before, I just figured fate has it that I'll die soon enough, but that postponement is just a waste of time/money/resources. It really is time to be active, rather than passive, and take matters into my own hands. I can't live with these dumb mistakes, the future is really bleak. & btw, I'm not really doing this solely because of failing academics/career; I'm dealing with depression and loneliness as well which I had expressed in a post a couple days ago, for some further context.
Anyway, I might get triggered for one reason or another during the holidays this weekend and do it then. I am set to take a winter course, however I can withdraw tomorrow (the last day) and get a full refund for it - so my parents' money won't be wasted in that regard haha
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm addicted to weed, no one wants to take me seriously about it, and I'm struggling with my identity So I've been struggling over the last few weeks, but I am noticing lots of improvement in my mental state and the people around me see it too.
The thing is I think I'm currently struggling with addiction. And as silly as it sounds I'm addicted to weed. I know weed isn't "physically" addicted but I do believe (especially for someone bipolar) weed can be "psychologically" addictive.
I found out during the holidays that no matter how much or how little, I CANNOT drink. I'll end up manic for days, even weeks.
I'm getting really good at avoiding my triggers and just overall taking a positive turn. But god damn it I cannot stay away from weed.
Why do I think I'm addicted? Well I asked my mom (shes aware I smoke) to hide all my weed in the house so I wouldn't be tempted to smoke it. I spent a good 30 minutes in the afternoon debating if I should find the weed and smoke it, or just stay busy and avoid it. I caved in and literally ran around the room looking in every possible spot it could be hiding.
I ended up smoking a good amount and I could tell for sure it induced a manic episode. The first bowl had me cheerful, overly excited, and very chatty. It wasn't even an hour that passed and I impulsively wanted to smoke more. In the span of like 3-4 hours I smoked a ton and I for sure was manic. I couldn't focus on one task at a time, I was for sure hypersexual, and I was just a mess.
Anyone have any advice to quitting it? Is there anyone else struggling like this with it? I used to think weed helped me with anxiety and even bipolar but as the days pass I keep getting healthier when I'm "in a normal mind" but the minute I smoke I feel like all that progress is gone.
I'm on meds, I know they've worked but I'm just struggling with this. I feel its the last key I need to get better.
What I will say is I'm a creative individual. I have a YouTube channel I create content for regularly and love it. The problem is I've edited pretty much all my videos high. Filming wise its about a 50/50 that I do it sober or high. I never have any issues coming up with ideas high or sober as well as planning/filming high or sober. But every time I sit down to edit I have to smoke and I fear I won't put together anything great if I'm not high.
Sometimes I worry all my creativity comes from being manic. Its a huge fear of mine. I'm also starting to learn that I thought I was a massive extrovert... But besides going out and filming shit and the occasional hang with a friend I'd much rather stay at home with my girlfriend and watch anime, play some video games, or work on the content I've filmed.
The other issue is when I started to get healthier I noticed my self wanting to reconnect with friends. I started hanging out with them a bit more, started to enjoy going out. But when I spent an entire week going out and being around my friends it just made me more exhausted.
Anyone else dealing with something similar? that there illness has made them more extroverted/introverted and now that they are healing they tend to find out they are actually extro/intro?
I feel like this is all word vomit, part of me feels I might be a little manic this morning still, but I had to get this off my chest. I wanted to type this yesterday the minute I got high but I figured that would have been even worse.
Thanks in advance for any advice, input, or even just being able to relate. This subreddit has been a huge help for me recently in trying to overcome this.
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self.bipolar
|
I finally passed my engineering degree. Took 1.5 years more after failing to pass with my batch mates. People in my batch started getting jobs or going for higher education while I was just fucking around and writing my failed papers. Not to mention my shitty university delays the results for months before publishing. Had to wait for months to get the results. Finally, it arrived, and I have passed. Now I can move on.
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self.offmychest
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Just told my mom about my depression... in the worst way. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm afraid that I may be unable to complete college in my mental state. I have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, and severe OCD since I was a preteen. I am 21 years old now, and these have only gotten worse. I have also been in a relentless state of depersonalisation/ derealisation for over a decade. I have also struggled academically for 11 years. I graduated high school with a 2.4 GPA and I can't handle more than 1 class at community college at a time. There are several things that I would love to major in, including history, linguistics, and psychology. I spend much of my time studying languages, linguistics and history in my free time, and I can hold down lengthy conversations about those subjects with those who are well versed, yet I cannot apply this to my classes. I have always wanted to be academically successful, but my situation has left me feeling like a complete failure. I'll be at community college until 2020, THEN I can continue on to complete my major, so I may spend my entire 20s in school. I feel I'm not smart enough to do it. I keep meeting people with similar interests as me, but they're always at university working towards a major or even a doctorate, and I always feel completely inferior to them. I feel that I lack the intelligence and capability to reach their level.
I am always suffering. Be it with my constant ticks relating to my OCD, which can cloud my mind and send it into circles of fulfilling my compulsions, my depersonalisation which leaves me mentally absent from everything I do, my depression which controls the way I react to any form of bad news, and my anxiety with puts me in a constant state of worry, I never have a break, and I haven't in had a break in 9 years.
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self.depression
|
Troubles with Exercise Does anybody else struggle with Exercise?
Whenever I exercise it I can't seem to remain calm, I have to expend a huge amount of concentration and energy trying not to make my legs move too fast when I run or my arms when I'm skipping. Even when I go for a long walk I have to consciously ensure my stride isn't rushed otherwise it will make me hyper and anxious. It's so frustrating.
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self.Anxiety
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My dad has been a nightmare to deal with my whole life and I think he just hit his point. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Could you forgive an SO who left you during an episode? TL;DR: see title
Background: I was having a super bad mixed episode about 3 months ago. I was all over the place and posting all over reddit. During that time I did a lot of stupid shit. Some that I don't even remember. (Drinking a bunch, hurting myself and so on.)
He ended up breaking up with me at the peak of the episode/the day before I ended up going the hospital.
He told me a bunch of horrible shit like how he was embarrassed to tell his friends we had gotten back together. That he was sick of waiting for meds to help me ect, ect.
I came down from the episode after being given abilify at the hospital. I left a shitty note when I got all my shit and posted it here. I understand why he left but dont agree with it. I feel that he should have helped me get help before leaving me.
So now I got in contact because I wanted to apologize in person. He immediately told me he missed me and that he needed to apologize to me too. He's also telling me he loves me. I said we need to take it slow. As cliche as it is, I love him and want things to work out. This isn't the first time shits gone south because he doesn't want to deal with my illnesses. I do know I put him through a lot too though. So I'm conflicted. He also said he's slept with someone and gone on 4 dates in the three months we've been apart which hurts of course.
If you got through that jumbled mess, thanks for reading.
Advice? Anyone been in similar circumstance?
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self.bipolar
|
Potential I've been struggling really hard with the thought of potential lately. The realization that I'm 27 and it seems like my time to hop on the transition between "full of potential" to "potential manifest" is getting ever-tighter. And that tightness is choking me, paralyzing me.
I look back and think, what have I been doing for 10 years? I'm almost knocking on 30 and what can I really say for myself? It's hard to not suffocate under the weight of feeling like you should "be something" by now, whatever that is. I don't necessarily mean fame and fortune or any of that jazz. I just mean "something."
Instead, here I am, toiling along, out one rut, into another; rinse and repeat.
I feel like I've become that guy now where people say, "He had a lot of potential." I'm already in the past.
This potential problem I have is but one facet of my mental struggles, but it's a doozy.
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self.depression
|
One year of depression. It's urgent. Need help. Exactly one year ago, I suffered from this crappy Diasea. I felt the shittiest in all my while life. Then some months forward, I felt the same but then an Asshole, who stole my stuff and fought me in school gave me a scar from my glasses. It had been almost 6 months since this scar and while it's almost very small, It always gets me depressed. I hate it. It made more depressed and even till today I still get depressed from it.
I can't go to therapy since my parents refuses and don't believe in it. Now I am stuck here and couldn't don anything but just get even more depressed at school and hate everyone. Please I need urgent help.
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self.depression
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