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What happened with first symptoms? I've heard that BP often first manifest itself from age 19-30. For those that suffer, what were your first symptoms?
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self.bipolar
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The TRUTH about mental health “professionals” The medical “professionals” have always rejected and denied my encounter with God as being real. I could always see the wicked judgement, trembling fear, awkwardness, misunderstanding, and discomfort written all over their faces. Most prescribers and psychiatrists are absolutely horrible people. They have no love, mercy, empathy, or compassion. Many of them do not believe in God. They’re in their profession to be entertained at the expense of other people’s brokenness and life struggles. For all the wrong reasons. It’s really demonic and sick and twisted. Why do you think so many people suffer in silence all alone and refuse to get help? The stigmatization, the labels, etc. They treat us like rabid wild animals that need to be put down. People have no clue how these demons have treated people behind closed doors and how they try to manipulate and control them. The wicked judgement, condescending remarks, fake smiles, and evil mannerisms to try to mentally torment and confuse you and etc. Devils in the flesh. It’s real. There are people on this earth that are from the seed of Satan, and looking back I’ve seen it my entire life.
Most of them really believe that people like us are delusional and sick because we believe in Jesus, and they have no problem treating us that way. They treated Jesus that way too. They diagnosed me Bipolar 1, and called it my first “Manic episode”. All they know how to do is push medication, after medication, on top of medication, turning good people who are broken that just need a little bit of hope and help, into overly medicated zombies that can no longer function normally. All they know how to do is give you packets and worksheets to take home. They try to fit everyone into a box from information they get out of a DSM book and whatever other books they learn out of in college. People are not books! They need to take the time to actually listen to people and hear them out about what they’re going through. Many people are not getting the proper help. The system is completely distorted.
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self.bipolar
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How to deal with being sick(cold, diarrhea, etc) and having anxiety? When I get sick my life stops, and the only thing I think of is my health at the moment. I keep grinding the sames thoughts for hours and keep wondering when will I get better, how it was not being sick (serious), etc. I'm the kind of person who loves being at home watching movies and playing video games, and even those things become really hard to enjoy. Most of the times the worst part of the sickness is the anxiety itself, and I can only resume my life when the I'm feeling better,
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self.Anxiety
|
I honestly don't think I can go to school anymore I attend a well known collegiate institute and in light of the mass shooting it increased my anger and anxiety with this country. Nobody should ever feel scared or have the thought in the back of their mind that one day someone can walk in and kill you and your friends. It sickens me that young kids have to feel like this on a day to day basis.
Nothing will get better until we fix a fucking amendment that was made hundreds of years ago. The 19 year old kid who shot up the Florida high school got the gun LEGALLY. A kid who got kicked out of high school and everyone thought he was insane. Are you fucking serious? Some background check that was.
I was listening to my local radio and a teacher heard a rumor that a student was gonna shoot up the school so she reported it to the police. The police told her that since it wasn't a threat to herself they couldn't do anything. She then quit her job.
If this is how it's going to be in this country then I don't want to live here. We do this to ourselves and nothing is being done about it.
I'm sorry about the rant but this getting out of hand when we as a society expect things like this to happen.
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self.Anxiety
|
Sorry to be alive and fucking up my family... Every year before, each Christmas before this one, they were all nice and fun... Now, it's not the same at all...
Each Christmas before the 2017 one were a time for my family to get closer and be happy together. We would (my 2parents+sister) be having fun, talking, laughing and opening our presents with a big smile. After that, we were thanking each other with a nice and warm hug. But now, I fucked up everything...
Since my sooo beautiful and lovely depression, my family mood changed. I am a fucking burden to everyone's mood, I see the faces of my parents and my sister trying to hold a smile, while they would prefer to tell me how much I am a fucking weight on them.
Today was our presents opening evening. We opened the gifts with a shitty silence feeling. Everyone faking smiles and laughs. I know it's all my fault if my family now needs to fake every of their emotions, I know it's all my fault if our family's happiness is gone.
You know, I'd just like to say something to everyone...
I'M SORRY TO BE A BURDEN
I'M SORRY TO ALWAYS BE MAD
I'M SORRY TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP
...
I'M SORRY TO FUCKING BE STILL ALIVE...
You are not the only one who'd like me to be gone,
I would like to be dead too,
So don't worry, I will remember I should try to kill myself,
Even though I did try, it never worked
Myeah, don't worry, I'll still try until I'm gone for a while...
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self.depression
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If you’re not interested in me, please make it immediately clear. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My friend killed himself on Christmas. I'm at work and found out. He was one of the few people in my small town who politically left leaning like myself so we would always talk about things like that and our lives. He got divorced a few months ago after 20+ years in a marriage, but he was always talking about how great his granddaughter was and even though he was in a dark place, she kept him going.
They found him Christmas morning in his parents garage hanging. I wish I would have done something more.
I'm at work, so I'm fine, but I know once I'm in my quiet house I'm going to have bad thoughts. Has anyone else went through something like this?
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self.SuicideWatch
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do I need help? some nights i feel sleeping late evenings and sleep through the nights into next day afternoons. I feel fine when I wake up. I go through lot of pain due to many failures and see others achieve their goals but Im fine in the day and most nights but some nights I feel such a sleep that it doesnt seem i can wake up like my mom woke me up and i felt so like negatively high like am drugged
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self.depression
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Missed another day of work feel like shit Trying my hardest to hold on as besides bills and obviously needing money, I elected good insurance for this year and am finally planning on seeing a therapist next week and talking with my meds prescriber about trying something else. Also wanted to see doctors get some peace of mind on physical symptoms and some tests done. Praying they don’t can me before I improve otherwise I am fucked. Just woke up in a panic doubled over with stomach pain and couldn’t tough it out to go in now I feel like shit for missing another day and scared they’ve had enough. Thanks for listening
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self.Anxiety
|
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still alive. I've been dealing with depression for the better part of 2 years and it's getting worse each day, sometime is just find myself wishing to not be able to feel anything or just die. I even felt like walking up to the roof and jumping and at one point I even attempted to act on it. My life is pretty good socially, I have friends, I'm a bit on the chubby side but it doesn't really bother me. I'm attractive for some reason. But I just want to die, I honestly want nothing more than to kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I was once a star shining bright I'm usually the one who comments on posts here, offering support. Tonight, I'm the one in need of support. I grew up in an abusive home. I was raped when I was 9. I was beaten and threatened every day of my life from age 6 to 18. I was a household slave, not worth respect, love or affection in my family's eyes. I'm now 21 years old, have tried to kill myself 13 times between age 10-16 but failed every time either due to being interrupted, prevented or the method failing. I self harmed from age 9 to 17. I've been clean for almost 4 years now, only small morbid thoughts about doing it again popping up. But lately, I find myself longing for peace from all of the voices inside my head. My usual outlets no longer help. I feel lonely and unappreciated; worthless. And I guess it all just kind of hit me at once, tearing me down earlier today. I've been trying to pull myself together since, but to no avail.. So now I am turning to *anyone* out there to help me. I'm not suicidal right now. But I don't want to feel like I do, and give in.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am no longer part of my main friend group. I officially have nothing now. Long story short, I used to be in a small group of close friends, and am no longer part of it. We all met before high school and all hung-out multiple times a week, but then when we all graduated we were separated due to going to different schools, which are about 2 hours apart. Let's say I go to school A and my friends go to school B. Friends from school B have driven down to school A to visit family or significant others, and never ever told me they would be in town all of freshman year. Also, my friends and I from school B have driven up to school A for birthdays and other important events. I brought this up and expressed my concern and they said they would try harder to remember and include me. Now, they are all currently hanging out and I didn't receive a heads up or an invite. I am in complete disbelief that they express so much concern for me (they know about my depression), vocally told everyone that I was part of the friend group, and STILL not include me. I'm done. I'm tired of them telling me how much they care about me and that we all love each other when I'm the only one they leave out. I'm in genuine disbelief that a group of "close friends" could lie so easily about something this important to me. So here I am, in a university I don't like, studying a topic I don't like, with zero close friends to hangout with. Go me.
Sorry, just had to vent
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self.depression
|
I’m having so many spiraling thoughts right now No my boyfriend decides to build a shelf. He’s not explaining what he wants very clearly, and
Not making decisions about what he wants to do with the shelf and not thinking it through. I get a little upset and my tone gets heated. I can tell he’s already frustrated. He tells me it’s kind of about work.
So we finally get some time to talk about it and tells me I upset him regularly because I use a harsh tone while joking. I immediately say I’m sorry, but can’t help but cry because I feel so awful for hurting him. I then start having self deprecating thoughts (why is he still with me? I’m not worth it, etc.) I try not to cry or let him know I’m crying. However it upsets me he doesn’t notice this. I start thinking about how I won’t be able to stop thinking about this until the next time I see my therapist. I feel like I should leave his place. I feel like my fear of him breaking up with me is going to come true. I feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I feel like I’ve done something wrong and I feel so bad for it. I don’t know how to stop crying.
I can’t sleep
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self.Anxiety
|
I think my wife is considering having an affair. A few days ago my wife said something out of the ordinary for her. She said something along the lines of "if you where to cheat on me I wouldn't leave you and I hope you would do the same." Normally she's the "if you cheat don't bother coming home" type. The next day I went through her phone history wile she was asleep and found a Google search "I want to have sex with one of my husband's friends" witch lead to three articles about cheating from cosmopolitan, huffingtonpost, and yourtango. Since I've become a little paranoid.
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self.offmychest
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Welp, about to give up Okay, I guess this is most likely just gonna get trolled the shit out of but whatever. For the past 8ish months I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything for more than like, five minutes. I get on average 1-3 hours of sleep(occasionally none once or twice a month) a night for usually a couple weeks until I just crash from complete exhaustion. My parents are paying for a private education for me but my grades have barely improved from when I was at public schools and I feel like such an ungrateful asshole because they care enough to pay so much and I can’t even utilize that. I have basically 2 “close” friends which one has moved away and the other rarely wants to be around me (now we just play like a couple hours of video games a month). I rarely talk o anyone besides my teachers, parents and “therapist”. My social anxiety has gotten to the point where I can’t even go up to a register at a grocery store to buy a fucking bag of chips to just try and drown out all my thoughts with all them delicious cronchy diabetes inducing Hawaiian chips which I’ll most likely throw back up in a few hours. Also not to mention I got $170 practically stolen from me which was pretty shitty. Occasionally I feel like I’m disassociating as in I’ll space out and forget all meaning of everything for about 2 hours sometimes. And I feel so shitty because I’m really ungrateful for not ever having to worry about where my next meal will come from, or not having to work my ass off to help pay bills. And just the fact that I have internet connection and a phone. PROBABLY MORE THAN HALF OF THE PEOLE IN THE WORLD WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE IN MY PLACE IN SOCIETY AND IM JUST HERE BEING A LITTLE WHINY BITCH BECAUSE “I’m sad” or “I have no friends” boo fucking hoo. I always thought depression was always exaggerated in movies or shows or online but sometimes I actually feel so down that I feel physically sick(not just from eating a whole buncha shit) but the thing is I don’t actually feel sad, it’s more of just I feel sick and I don’t want to put work into doing anything. Everyone avoids me because
a. I have no friends and just sit and stare at walls for hours on end
b. They think I’m a complete druggie from the way that I dress but that’s just the most comfortable for me when I’m really fucking sleep deprived
c. There is no c I can think of I didn’t really think this all the way through. And yeah life seems to have lost all meaning and I’m not very excited to continue just doing this shit.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I finally told someone! I told my mother, who seemed quite understanding of my state. I'm glad.
Things might just be getting better, I hope.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m so fucked financially I feel like there’s not even a point [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I didn't really enjoy college, anyone else feel this way I'm about to graduate college, and I'm very excited to be done. The thing is, I feel I had a crappy college experience. When I was in high school, I was excited to go to college and start all over. Unfortunately, things just didn’t go as planned. Not to go in too much detail about how my anxiety and depression came up, it was pretty much just me having a horrible time for my first year. When I came back home for summer, I had horrible anxiety, and I was depressed. I had a take a whole year off from school, so I could work on myself, and learn how to better deal with my emotions and feelings. Thankfully, my family was very supportive and helped me get better.
So, when I finally got better, I told myself that I was still going to try and make friends. I’m an introvert, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make friends. So, I did still try and put myself out there, but I had difficult time doing that. I feel that with my anxiety, it seems I must put in so much work to push myself and get out of my comfort zone. It always seemed like everyone else could do it so easy, yet for me, I still struggled. I do try and work on myself, but it’s annoying when people tell you that you’re just not trying hard enough. I feel like they don’t understand how much work and effort I put in to do what they do without a thought. Some good did come out of it, such as being more confident and learning more about myself. I just wish that my experience here could have been a lot better. It sucked struggling to make a single a friend or even to meet a girl.
So yeah, didn’t anyone else have the same type of experience as me. That or did things ever get better once you were done with college. Thanks for anyone who reads this.
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self.Anxiety
|
why is everything so hard for me I know i need fucking mental help I was never like this before I just don’t even care about myself enough to try and make a difference because I wanna fucking die. I basically failed out of college after I finally felt like I was going somewhere with my life I don’t have the mental threshold to deal with anything that is even slightly stressful and my boyfriend hates me because I’m an anxious messy piece of shit who doesn’t do anything all day. I don’t have a job but he does and he works all the time and hes mean sometimes but hes also really nice and I swear the only reason i got this far is because his fucking stupid smile. Im so thankful he deals with me but even he puts me down sometimes too and everything is just shit why am i so codependent I dont know how to
fix myself I dont know when I became
like
this
I miss the days when i used to smile and feel like real life was so far away and now its here and its all
shit
its all fucking shit
I cant wait til i get my christmas money so I can try and kill myself I really really hope it works
I already looked up how much xanax can kill a 100lb girl last week
Maybe I’ll just say fuck it and take 20 so I don’t wake up in a hospital and i’ll just fucking die
My family wants me to get a job and I haven’t even applied for one I keep waitig for something to be different for something to change and be better but I feel like nothings evee going to change
Its all just a cycle of what seems to be happiness then it all goes to shit and its all just a fucking sick joke that life is playing on me for being such a lazy useless piece of shit that cant make any kind of difference in her life , HAHAHA LOOK INTHACUT IS KINDA HAPPY FOR ONCE LETS FUCK IT UP AND REMIND HER SHES A USELESS SHITSTAIN ON THIS FUCKING EARTH !
I have no fucking friends no one cares about me because I threw everything away for myself my life used to be normal and kind of fun and i THREW EVERYTHING AWAY BECAUSE IM A FUCK UP AND WHAT DO FUCK UPS DO ? Oh yeah they fuck everything up so I fucked up everything good for myself except my mom and sister and my boyfriend whos DEFINITELY Going to get sick of my stupid useless suicidal ass and kick me to the curb soon too. Because im a fuck up so im
obviously going to fuck up our relationship with my mental issues and impulsivity and extreme anxiety that comes from anything
I dont know where im going with this i just wanna fucking die
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you deal with the soul crushing fatigue? The title says it all: those of you with depression related exhaustion and fatigue, how do you handle it? Any tips and tricks?
I am exhausted constantly. I had always chalked it up to depression and not taking care of myself. Well, since May I have been working out, eating better and just all around taking care of myself a little better. I have lost 35 lbs. I quit drinking. I am incredibly active socially and in my professional life. I take vitamins, try to drink enough water, and get 7-8 hours of sleep nearly every night. I am still just as tired as ever. Even on my best depression days I am fatigued. Is there anything I can do?
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self.depression
|
What did I do to deserve this life? Everyday feels worse than the last and I just can't see life getting better. Almost everyone is gone and probably won't come back, the only thing left of them is their social media talking about how fucking great life is. I love a girl that I'll probably never be able to be with because I already messed it up with her. What's the point in any of this? What have I done to be relegated to this awful way of life? I'm tired and frustrated by all of it and I just want something that would make life feel like it's worth sticking around.
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self.depression
|
I constantly think about my job Basically what title says - I am currently on a sick leave and I cannot stop thinking about my job. I cannot watch TV, I cannot play games, it just feels weird that I'm at home and everyone's in job. I'm 25. I always used to overthink but this one is killing me...
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self.Anxiety
|
Just complaining about how I'm tired about hearing about my ex's failures. [nsfw] (This is my throwaway to talk about my ex and current relationships, because I don't want to clog my main account with such personal affairs. If you're reading this, thank you for allowing me to vent to you today.)
My happiness directly correlates with pretending you don't exist, pretending that you didn't waste a year of my time, my money, my happiness. I pretend that you did not cheat on me, that you did not date me for money, and that you simply are a stranger to me. By doing so, I have moved on. There was a Reddit post awhile ago... if someone stole $100 from your $1000, you wouldn't spend the remaining $900 trying to get back at them. That quote made me realize that spending any more time thinking on you would only be a waste.
I've since learned that there are people who can hold me in sweeter ways than you. There are people who are better than in you bed--especially since you're the kind of man who would spend an hour edging yourself while masturbating but won't spend more than fifteen minutes on a clit that you could not find. The sex that you constantly took from me, an asexual, is now something I willingly give out to people I know are better than you. People who would never use me. People who hold me at night and tell me that it's okay if we don't have sex and actually mean it. These are the people I want to spend time with. These are the people who spend as much effort on me as I do on them. These are the people who are infinitely better than you ever were to me.
But now I tire of hearing people complain about you to me. I still believe that you deserve every word, of course. You're an irredeemably terrible person, and perhaps I would not think that if you chose to speak with me privately at any point since the break up. It's been too long now. You ran from a conversation you knew you could not win and proceeded to lie to people, hoping they would take your side, but realizing that your half-truths can only take you so far.
I digress. Your friends aren't friends at all. I pity you, but there's nothing I can do for you. I'm tired about hearing about what you have done wrong this time. I don't care about who you hurt this time with how inconsiderate you are. I don't care about which roommate hates your guts for this action you did one time. It's like hearing drama about someone I do not know and do not care for. I just don't care. I tell them as much, but it doesn't stop them from shitting on you, thinking that I'm an appropriate outlet.
I want nothing to do with you, and I can say now that I am much happier without you than I ever was with you. It's tiring to hear about people complain about you, but from now on, I'm going to pretend it's all about a stranger. An asshole. Someone so many people hate but can't get rid of.
That sums you up quite well, I think.
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self.offmychest
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I wish I could go to counseling, but my university doesn't offer it on the weekends. Can someone please just listen/talk to me? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Had a bad feeling for a few days. First time posting here, so I will get straight to the point. I'm having some really bad anxiety since 3 days ago (been dealing with anxiety for over 2 years total). I've been a smoker for a good 6 years, and last few years were close to a pack a day and more if I go out drinking or with friends. Never had any issues regarding cigarettes, even more so they helped me alot through my anxiety. But 3 days ago I went out drinking with my friends, it got crazier than usual and the next day I felt like complete shit, threw up a couple times but nothing I never felt before. All good, got home, laid in bed and just sat there trying to calm down and not feel sick. I got up in the evening and realized I hadn't smoked that day, but weirdly enough I didn't feel the need to (which is crazy since I smoke all the time). My anxiety made me obsess over this, while still feeling shitty from the drinking so I lit up a cigarette and got pretty dizzy by the end which is crazy to me. Told myself it will go away, but next day it was the same, no need for cigarettes, had only one but still felt very weird. Today I kinda forced myself to "try it out and see what happens" and I just feel very weird smoking. I never had the intent to quit, wasn't the first time I threw up from drinking and overall never experienced this, which makes me obsess really hard that something is wrong with me. Any advice? Any opinions? What's going on..
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self.Anxiety
|
Post Breakup Rebound After slowly drifting apart from each other, over the course of a month, my girlfriend of three years and I both decided we weren’t on the same page and needed to break up.
This occurred yesterday afternoon.
I had already planned on hanging out with a friend yesterday evening; she had broken up with her boyfriend and she wanted company. I wanted to be there for her before I was single, as a friend.
We were both very vulnerable and ended up hooking up. It was amazing, and I like her and told her I wanted to get to know her but we were both fragile. But I still want to spend time with her, and she does with me too. Idk if I’m making a mistake because I don’t want either of us to get hurt, but it feels amazing to have someone to spend time with.
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self.depression
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How do you deal with people who discredit your anxiety? I’ve been thinking about this a lot. About two months ago, an acquaintance said that I don’t have anxiety, just nervous. It really upset me and i still think about it. How do you deal with this?
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self.Anxiety
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Lonely Even With Company Very little of what other people say and like resonates with me and very little of what I say and do resonates with others. I don't have many friends, I don't think I can say that I have a single close friend. People pay me compliments and tell me that I'm pleasant to be around, but I don't particularly care to put effort into maintaining any friendships. Every friend who I've ever had in life eventually left me for something/someone better and I'm introverted by nature so it takes a lot for me to form a strong attachment to another person. Still... the solution isn't even to try to make more friends though, because even if another person thinks highly of me and enjoys my company... I feel alone. Even if I enjoy their company I feel alone. We can mutually enjoy each other's company and I will still feel alone.
They say something that hurts me without meaning to hurt me... and I'm not sure how to process those feelings. It's easier just to be alone. I feel isolated. There's something about me that's fundamentally different enough that forming and maintaining any kind of a relationship is a near impossibility. I have nothing to very very little in common with most people, even talking about interests leads me to feeling more and more isolated. I'm not sure why I'm writing all of this, I'm not looking for any specific responses... I mean... responses that aren't insulting me or calling me stupid would be nice but there's nothing specific that I'm looking for I don't think... I've just been stewing in this, because I can never talk about my interests or dreams or hobbies and feel like the other person cares, even if we get along... I feel like an alien, I wonder why I'm even here to begin with... being a social creature with an aversion to socializing seems kind of... weird. It's not exactly pleasant, and it's not that I dislike being introverted or quiet because I love those aspects of myself... but I wonder how exactly I could fit into any environment and... ultimately I don't feel like I ever will. I also highly highly doubt I'll ever find a deep and meaningful relationship of any kind...
most of my conversations are just me talking to myself, the other person typically doesn't listen to what I'm saying... if I'm talking to a friend online and I leave a long response they don't bother reading it. Nobody really cares what I have to say or what I think, I'm usually ignored or teased. I speak so infrequently and sometimes I think "maybe it would be nice to open up a little bit"... but whenever I do I instantly regret it, I'm either ignored or the response is silent or the topic is changed all together... and it's not even like I'm bringing up deeply personal heavy stuff either, even super light things that I enjoy talking about gets that response in people. It's like I don't exist... except I don't get the benefits of not existing.
... basically I'm just coasting through life until I die. I don't think I was born for any specific purpose or anything, it's all kind of pointless and unpleasant. :)
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self.depression
|
Relapse I am a sexaholic and am in recovery for sex addiction. I have been lying to my support group about my sobriety. I feel ashamed and the shame has kept me in a perpetual cycle of acting out. Each time I tell myself it will be the last, but I am lying to myself as well. I don't know if I have the courage to face my group and my wife and speak the truth.
I know lying is destroying me.
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self.offmychest
|
Guys, guys!! I feel sooo much happier now! I've decided to take a gap year (maybe even drop out of) college, and it's like a weight has been lifted! Idk how I'll continue to feel, but for now I feel practically stress-free/feel relieved!!! Yeah, I still have a couple of weeks left, but then I'm going to put in an application for a gap year.
Still don't know how to drive, but I'm going to learn how (I'm going to have to get a form filled out from doctor because of epilepsy). But yeah!
I didn't realize how much stress college was causing me, until I decided, "hey, you know what...I don't *have to go!" I'm not enjoying it/it is just too stressful atm. I always thought that it was something, linear, like: go to school, college, nice job, marry, etc. But it *Doesn't have to be like that!!!
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self.Anxiety
|
"You look tired" Do you know what it's like being pressured into doing what your siblings couldn't? It makes it a lot harder knowing your siblings are better than you in every way. I go to bed every night praying that I won't wake up the next morning. Every day I think to myself "I wish I had access to a firearm, then maybe after I'm dead at least one person will care". When I was happy, I thought happiness was a choice. Is it? I don't feel motivated to do anything. I can't go outside, I can't socialize. I don't even enjoy playing videogames. I feel like I'm a burden to people, a waste of everyone's time. The only thing that has kept me from trying to kill myself is the fear that I'll get brain damage or end up paralyzed. ***I'm not just tired, I'm tired of living.***
If you're happy, find someone to share it with.
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self.depression
|
I drank Visine (15 ml bottle) I put a bottle of Visine eye drops (15 ml bottle) in a bottle of Coke and drank it all. I just dumped the whole bottle. I realize it was really stupid of me, will i be okay? Is Visine that bad to ingest? Will i die from this? If anyone could just explain what im going to go through that would be great thank you...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Defective? Maybe there's something wrong with my brain. Why hasn't anyone killed me yet? I wait for it, wondering if I'll run away or just let it happen, but it never does. It has consequences. Every day I continue to breathe, I have the potential to ruin the days of other people. I can go out and dump useless baggage on people who just so happen to be there, and then feel fine, only to leave and go right back to what I was doing before. Laziness. Apathy. Old habits die hard. People get dragged into fucking alleyways and shot, people get cut into pieces, people go missing every day, so why is it so hard to die? Why can't someone see that I want to go too? Fucking kill me, I know you want to.
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self.depression
|
Bipolar Christmas So I was in a manic state and went overboard on presents and spending money for Christmas.
Now all the presents have arrived, the apartments is looking jolly and I’m to depressed to wrap the presents and enjoy the jolliness.
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self.bipolar
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What's the point to life? Nothing good really comes from it any ways.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to escape to another time space reality that isn't this one [deleted]
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self.depression
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When someone asks "How are you?" Feels silly to write this but here I am
I feel like I haven’t always been this way. Like I used to shine and brim brightly.
Frostbitten fingers reaching into the cavity of my chest, the hollow-ness engulfing them as they slip through the gaps between my ribs. The vacuum, a black hole, an infinite pull of empty nothingness and I can’t seem to stay far enough away from anyone to not pull them toward collateral damage of my own imploding sun.
I can’t help but feel that something has been lost. In the knowing of the world, the knowing of myself, I have become lost. There is this ache where there is nothing, as if what I used to believe in and cherish has been revealed to be a lie, and now there is nothing that void can be filled with.
Selfish impulse and dampening self with the desire not to feel the stretching of my own reaching fingers, seeking like tendrils on the forest floor the glimmer of sunlight but unable to take root. A parasite. And yet, we all are parasites here. Is it that knowing the world has taught me the futility of it all? And how dare I claim such wisdom that stretches beyond the value of my own life - as if my misery were something one could aspire to?
Words pain this picture of me. A creature. A human. A woman. A privileged child with ideations of being compared to the brightest balls of energy and the massive catastrophe of a black hole - how do I claim to know the feelings of such power and awe. But emotions, raw when they are raw, and dampened when they are walled off, leak through and tell me this of myself. As if I can lay claim to such titles.
“How are you?”
A question, whether sincere simply polite, I feel I can never answer with full truth or full capacity. Partly of fear of the answer I receive and partly due to my own limitations to understanding the depth of what is happening in my mind.
...I know it's silly silly prose. But it's how I feel.
|
self.depression
|
My parents just told me my Christmas gift to them was a waste of money I'm not going to go into too much detail because I know no one is going to read this stuff anyway. But I'm visiting my parents for the holidays and they just found out what I'm going to give them for Christmas and essentially told me off for being careless with my money and spending it on useless shit (a calendar and a set of glasses) after being scamed and losing what to me is quite a considerable sum of money (the father especially is never going to let me forget it, bringing it up at any opportunity). *(Also my dad just told me that savings accounts are 'bullshit', and that I should just get an instalment plan if I want to buy something, and that I'm acting like a dumb kid, but that's not really related)* *(Oh and I'm pretty sure they're not getting me anything for Christmas this year since I've moved out, I was fine with it, but now it just sucks, after hearing all that shit about my gifts to them)*. I thought I could have one good christmas with my family, after the last 5 or 6 went down the drain because of the university exams. I thought they could be normal loving parents just this once. I really need that old childhood-like christmas in my life, just like the ones I used to know. But it's like a small smoldering piece of coal that is never going to become an actual fire. And yet I keep blowing on it, trying to get it to burn bright like it used to, before being extinguished. The worst part is hope, I keep hoping and I keep getting crushed over and over and over again.
Please, don't reply with anything related with the incident. Write something happy and Christmasy. I'm still clinging to the possibility of a bearable Christmas day. Just needed to get it out. Still blowing on that coal I guess. Maybe someone can recommend a good Christmas movie? Especially something dealing with family issues and depression
EDIT: It's Christmas, so I'm trying to be forgiving. They were angry yesteday, doen't mean they're angry all of the time. I just don't understand why they have to be so rude sometimes. Thank you for all of your suggestions, I'll make sure to check them out. Merry Christmas to all of you!
|
self.depression
|
"Why am I depressed?" Does this happen to anyone else? So you're sitting around feeling like trash, and then you try to ask yourself, "What is the root of me feeling like this?" So you start to try to think of reasons why you feel depressed/hate yourself/etc., but the more you try to think about it, the more depressed and tired you feel, often times with headaches. So you just go back to laying around being depressed.
|
self.depression
|
“For you a thousand times over.” You have stolen many thoughts from me. Sometimes I wish you would not. But you do. You are the first thought on my mind in the morning and the last thought before I fall asleep at night, even every thought in between. But I could never have you. I would never deserve you. You live far away and you are beyond my years. And I hate myself for that. I wish I could live closer or even age a bit. As we know, this is not possible. I wished you would stop giving me hope. Hope, that one day we could be a thing. I have never experienced love before. And I know, this feeling I have for you, is most likely not it. I could be possibly denying it, so I can protect myself from the pain. Each day feels so painful because I know for a fact that you will never feel that way towards me. You have that girl you love. I would never ever want to get in the way. I want you to be happy even if it means I will want to rip my heart from my chest. If you are happy, I will be happy. “For you a thousand times over.”
|
self.offmychest
|
I can't talk to my therapist about my problems. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
i want to hurt myself for attention this is something i've felt like for a while, but an incident (dumb fight that i wasn't really involved in but had to run damage control on between my friends) brought up the feelings again, full-force. all of my friends have very visible breakdowns that cause them to have attention when they need it, often from me. i have a lot of bottled up issues, but because i've been in therapy for anxiety for years i have ways of dealing with my issues by myself and not showing them off. because all my friends are very vocal or visible with their issues, they get all kinds of attention and sympathy, but because i am so quiet about my own, everyone assumes i'm fine and don't need that same kind of attention. i can't ask for it - i don't know how, don't think the role reversal will be well-received, and it would make me feel pathetic. because i don't know how, i feel like partaking in "cry for help" behaviors would be the best way to get it. i know this is kind of fucked up, because people don't usually do this sort of thing consciously, but the idea popped into my head last night and i can't get it out. i want to sleep all day and see if anyone cares, or maybe slam my hand into a wall so people will ask about the bruise. hopefully that'll lead to them figuring out i did it to myself, and they'll realize i need help or attention or something. i even fantasize about worse things happening to me, like getting really sick or hit by a car or something so that i'll be the biggest problem for once, the person most deserving of sympathy. i'm worried if i do this it won't work out the way i want it to. i'm not sure if my friends are capable of providing me with the same kind of support i give them, and it might even make THEIR mental state worse, which would be bad of its own right but also make my life even harder. i want to bury all my feelings again so my life will run smoothly, but the thoughts are still there. it's absurd that i'm so attention starved that this is what it's come to. i'm not sure if i'll actually do it, because i'm overly-rational and kind of a baby about pain. i'm just not sure where to go from here.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Dilated pupils Does anyone else get dilated pupils when under stress/anxiety? I have had severe anxiety since the age of 6th grade. Now 33. This morning I woke up with slightly dilated pupils. I got into my primary care and she examined them and said nothing to worry about..that it's a flight or fight response. I also saw my opthamologist a few weeks ago for a checkup and all is good with my eyes but I was really freaked out today! Especially because it's a new symptom I've never experienced before. Can anyone weigh in?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Whenever I decide to have a new start it hits me harder It all starts with 4 years old me getting bullied until I was maybe 8 or 9 it completely broke my heart since I had no friends growing up but it effected me in a much deeper way completely destroyed my self esteem I've been always hiding my identity,my face,my body from everyone the last 5 years I've been hiding in my room even if I can't really do that.I've passed all my teenage years online doing nothing but killing time.
The major problem is that after that whole depressing phase this year started great with new friends I started being really interested in my school lessons until mid October when I completely stopped doing everything and felt a void inside me.And here I am now I was wishing for a fresh start trying to build everything again from scratch and here comes the person who insulted me telling me I'm ugly and fat while in class I felt completely ruined I tried starting laughing but it didnt work it just turned into an unimpressed face that moment I immediately thought of running outside and jumping off the balcony. The person who was sitting next to me almost died from laughter and was staring at me waiting for me to cry,I did not .I continued my school time as if nothing happened and then came home to crying for maybe 8 hours straight.I wished with all my heart for him to actually get involved in a car crash and die since he destroyed my self esteem for maybe forever.I had a similar circumstance with that same guy when I was 11 or 12 which hurt a bit but then I realized that we were just kids and didnt know...But what about now when we are fully grown up?And we are supposed to actually think before speak.
I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide since I have nothing to give on this earth,Ive always been a disappointment for my parents and someone to hide for my friends.I have nothing to live for.I thought of actually killing the people that hurt me and then committing suicide.I'm a miserable piece of shit and I do not deserve living in this planet.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How to you motivate yourselves to do anything. I have tons of work piling up because I can’t motivate myself to do anything. I can’t even get out of bed without hours of effort. I know your supposed to start with making yourself do small stuff like washing your dishes, but that doesn’t work when you have deadlines for big projects. I keep finding myself thinking stuff like “ Why bother. I’ll probably kill myself before I graduate anyway”. I was an honor role student and now I can’t even do my homework. Everyone expects me to do well and I can’t. Sorry if I rambled a bit in there. What do you guys do to get stuff done?
|
self.depression
|
Made an appointment with a new doctor So since my doctor is moving away and the office seems to be having trouble filling the position, I made an appointment at a new office today. I happened to be driving by so I figured I'd walk in and see what the doctors were like, they fit me in next week. So hopefully I can figure out all this medication and apparently rapid cycling or whatever is happening figured out because what I'm on now is obviously not cutting it.
I always get so worried about going to new doctors though. I always wonder if they'll somehow decide I don't have bipolar and take my medication away and then what?
On a side note, I almost died today. I was depressed the last few days and then what happened today got my adrenaline going. It took me pretty much 8 hours to stop shaking, but it sent my mood shooting through the roof for some reason and now I'm all bouncy bubbly again. Not manic, but definitely hypomanic...
|
self.bipolar
|
sometimes death seems easier than life I am fed up of life, it seems I try at school for my parents who I don't even like. I have a brother who hates me and a mother who is a alcoholic, both of my parents are depressed clinically and I think that I am. I h
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Feel anxious with no present cause I've been feeling a background kind of anxious every night the past week or so. It's mainly been felt in the forehead, cheeks and stomach. Currently I can feel it in forearms and forehead/cheeks.
I am yet to see my psychiatrist or therapist this year and am wondering how to deal with feeling on edge/anxious when there is nothing on my mind that I am presently worried about.
The only explanation I can think up is that my body is reliving the anxious feelings I had last January leading to me going being very unwell and undergoing psychiatric care.
Any one have suggestions to tame it?
|
self.Anxiety
|
its weird Hey guys first of all I want to introduce myself im a 15 years old my name is Paul and I live in Germany.
I suffer from depression i think it started a year ago when my parents split up.It wasnt just a regular seperation my dad cheated on my mother and told us he never loved me etc I dont have contacted him since then.My mother is very kind and supportive I told her about my mental problems and I got an psychologist.He told me I have depression a very strong one (I dont know how to say it).I was very anti social but in school I am still popular.And like 2 weeks ago I chatted with a girl thats in my class alot we met 2 times and we kinda like eachother.My problem is after I met her my depression got much stronger and I cant explain myself why did anyone had the same problem or struggle?Please help me.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to doing awful things I seriously can not take it anymore. Everyday my harm ocd and anxiety is getting worse. Not to mention my severe depersonalization. This has been going on for over a year now and i really honestly feel like I’m on the edge of doing something horrible to someone and it feels like I want to. This is a serious concern to me and I really wish my brain would just be normal. If I had it my way I would never do these things ever but it feels like there’s a tiny bit of me that wants to. I really hate not knowing if I want to do these things or not. Im really scared for the future and don’t know what I do. I write these kind of things all the time and every time I feel like I’m not explaining my situation and feelings well enough. I feel like I’m so close to doing something I’ve just been hiding deep inside me. I think that maybe I’d actually enjoy doing brutal things if I just released my emotion. Also I’ve defiantly done rituals before but I’m scared that when I have these thoughts and I don’t do rituals it means it’s actually just thoughts I have but try to ignore. I actually am starting to think I’m just trying to deny the truth of who I really am. If this is OCD I think I really really need medication. It seems like I’m going to give into these urges any moment.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm so glad things have turned out the way they have I've turned my life around.
I've got an amazing circle of friends who genuinely enjoy my company and we get to hang out with all the time;
I'm healthy and good looking for the first time in my life, I'm able to get girls at parties and gigs;
I also have just been living pretty hedonistically, (drugs sex etc) but I wanna experience as much as possible and I'm 17, so my life philosophy right now is "fuck it"
Also Brighton is awesome to be in at this moment in my life, looking forward to a gap year of being with my best friends who I'm truly happy with
Goddamn life is beautiful
Just needed to get this off my chest, feels cheesy looking back on it but I think it's good to appreciate what you have (before it inevitably goes to shit)
|
self.offmychest
|
So a bit long, but I’m grappling with a lot
So ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to die. I think a lot of this had to do with being put into the foster system as a young kid, and witnessing some really f****d (don’t know if I can swear) up stuff with my parents. I’d try bashing my head against the wall in hopes I’d injure myself, I’d lie in a field hoping I’d get hypothermia and die. As I got older, my motivations turned to wanting to die helping other people. So then dying in Combat became an obsession of mine, thinking if I died doing something good, my life would be valid. I turned to religion, and this has felt largely empty for me, as none of these feelings of emptiness have been resolved. I joined the Army a while ago, and haven’t been successful in trades training. My step mother has terminal stage 4 cancer and my adoptive mom just came out of surgery from Lymph node and breast cancer. I’m awaiting surgery due to an injury sustained training for my qualification course. The wait time is 2 years, and the likely prognosis is that I will be staying on the Army base waiting until I can attempt course again. So I’ve been wanting to do something meaningful with my life, but anytime I feel stonewalled, these thoughts of death, suicide, and deep loneliness come on. I guess I’m showing signs of depression, but I don’t know what to do with my life, I feel as though nothing I do will ever be successful. I feel as though this is incredibly disorganized, but this is just how my thoughts are coming out. How do I stop this?
|
self.depression
|
Celexa (citalopram). What are your thoughts, opinions, experiences with taking this for your anxiety. Dosage?
|
self.Anxiety
|
new medication! will it carry me out of my deep dark hopeless hole? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Just a friendly reminder that anxiety attacks aren’t always hyperventilating & rocking back and forth. They are also random bursts of irritability, obsessive behavior and nit picking, hypersensitivity, pacing, silence, zoning out. Always look for signs with your loved ones
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self.Anxiety
|
I can’t feel anything Hey guys this is my first post to reddit so I really have no idea what I’m doing so bear with me.
Today’s my dads birthday, he died when I was young. I was put on Zoloft a month ago for my depression but I still can’t shake the urge to just end it. And I think today would be the perfect day to do it. I can’t keep faking being okay. Yet I can’t tell anyone, my younger brother has been suicidal as well and he’s the only thing holding me back I think. I practically raised him while my mom was off hitting glass dicks, she’s sober now but still not all there. I have a boyfriend who’s amazing and I know he should be one of my reasons to live but I don’t have the energy to. I’ve been suicidal since I was 11 and my brother has a loaded shotgun in his room and it’s calling my name, I have the perfect plan to do it, every time I get my finger on the trigger right about to pull it idk what stops me. I wish I wasn’t such a bitch and could just do it already. Any advice?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I can’t do this anymore I know a lot of my struggles aren’t as severe as others and I probably don’t have a place to say anything like this but I seriously feel like I have no place being alive anymore. I feel like I’m constantly ruining everything and I feel like whether I’m here or not wouldn’t matter to anyone. I’m not diagnosed with anything and even if I try to talk to someone about how I’m feeling like to my mom I just don’t think she would listen. I’ve been to counsellors and therapy before and my mother just told everyone how she thought I felt because even when I flat out try to tell her how I feel about things she cuts me off to explain how she thinks I feel. It’s not just that it’s just I don’t know how to seek help without feeling like I might be imagining how I’m feeling or feeling like no one will listen or care. I’m ruining the one good relationship in my life because of all of this and I just don’t know what to do anymore and I just don’t want to be here.
I don’t think any of this makes any sense and I apologize I don’t even know why I’m writing here I guess I just would like some advice to keep going idk I just feel worthless and hopeless lately and like I have nothing left to live for
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
To the people complaining about Twitter's new 280-character limit [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I give up I'm 27 years old, just got dumped by my fiance just as we were starting to really plain out joining our lives together. We had been planing this for 3 and a half years. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time but this relationship was the first thing that made me feel hope and motivation and now I am back to square one. I dont believe that there is anyone out there who would be willing to put up with the broken person that I am and I have given so much in this relationship that I can never get back. I dont care about myself enough to try anymore and no one is going to want me until I improve. So I'm stuck, until I feel loved I will never try to improve and no one would ever want me like this. Why should I keep existing when there is no chance for happiness?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
He left me. We met in August, he deployed in September. I said I'd wait for him. I really loved him.
He said he wanted to marry me and have kids with me. He said I love you first, back in August, when he was drunk. I was so touched. He never made me feel bad for being the way I am; I could be exactly the way I was around him. He understood me. I thought we were soulmates.
One day, he tells me, "I want to leave the Army as soon as I can, so it doesn't interrupt our home life and I can be with you more." I ask him if he's sure, I don't want him to change for me. I just want him to be happy. I insist he does what makes him happy.
A week passes where he doesn't talk to me. "Busy," is what I assume. He finally gets in contact with me. He breaks up with me. Says he wants to do overseas contract work, and that a long distance relationship would be too hard. I beg him, tell him I'll do anything. He doesn't want to do it.
I don't even know how I'll trust anything anyone says to me ever again. I'm the most paranoid, anxious, "one-foot-out-the-door" person I know. And I had literally no idea this was coming. Nothing in his demeanor or actions tipped me off to this.
I'm surprisingly ok. I made my peace with him, removed him, his family, and his friends from any social media. I'm alright with moving on.
Since I met him in August, I had hope. My depression got so much better. I felt excited for my future for the first time and I wanted to be around for it. Now, I know it's going to come back in full swing. I'm a little numb right now but it's going to come back so hard.
I just don't know how I can ever trust anybody after this. How can I trust anything they say?
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self.depression
|
Herbs for emergency situations where regular meds can't be accessed? Hi all,
I am working on building my store of emergency supplies to be prepared for natural disasters and other shit-hits-the-fan scenarios. One of my biggest concerns is a longer-term situation where I am not able to access medication. I am trying to refill my prescriptions as soon as my insurance will allow me so I can have the maximum amount on hand, and I still need to talk to my doctor about the possibility of getting an extra bottle or two of each med, but I want to be prepared for the worst-case scenario, as paranoid as it may sound.
With the amounts I have now, I would be able to wean myself off them gradually, but I would love to have other things on hand so that I could stay more stable long-term if need be. My meds work for me so I hope and pray that that situation never comes to pass, but it gives me great peace of mind to know that even in the worst possible long-term or permanent scenario I would not be without options.
Right now I have [St. John's wort](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201308/st-johns-wort-and-depression), [rhodiola](http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/rhodiola-rosea), and [black cohosh](http://www.evenstarherbs.com/depressionherbs.html), which are supposed to help mostly with the depressive side of things. I need to do more research on how those three interact with each other as I know SJW in particular can be tricky. Are there any others that people would recommend looking into? I know this sub has (sensible!!) rules about not suggesting alternative treatments without peer-reviewed studies to back them up, and that no one here is my doctor, and to take all this information with a grain of salt. I want to reiterate that this is only for serious long-term emergency situations where proper medication is no longer available and where I have weaned myself off them as gradually as possible. Thank you!
|
self.bipolar
|
New here, just some thoughts I've been trying to process. I feel like I've just been existing. Not progressing my life, not establishing goals, not experiencing life, not finding purpose, not finding hobbies, just existing.
I feel as if I really have to question why I'm still alive. I'm not doing anything about my life. I have no motivation to improve my situation or plan for the future. It feels as if I'm alive simply because I haven't died yet. I'm not around for any particular purpose, other than I happened to be born. I am inherently meaningless.
The only argument against that, that would even have the slightest bit of traction would be the relationships I've built, but it's inconsequential. People can overcome grief. I've done it when my mom killed herself. It hurts for a while but you get over it.
And I guess that what's kept me alive so long. The temporary grief I could cause to the people that have somehow come to like me as a person.
Is that even a reason to live? To live for others, when you have no desire to continue yourself? Should you be obligated to keep going with a life you don't want because you may cause grief to other people who don't have to experience the pain you have to experience just to exist? Could such a person even defend their position, knowing they hold it just to appease themselves?
Can those people even be considered good people at that point?
Of the afflicted, how can one deal with the obligations of life, when existing is a decidedly non-consensual act? No person alive has a say in their existence, and the experience of life is unjustly thrust upon every human alive. How can someone of good conscience knowingly endorse an existence that was non-consensual from its first moments? How can you justify an act when the only person it affects the most has no say in the decision?
|
self.depression
|
Anyone else feel like they project the kind of help they want on other people? For example I catch myself trying to be “there for people” a lot because I feel like I would want someone to be there for me. But ironically I think as a result people assume I don’t need that sort of help because I do willingly offer it.
How have you experienced this phenomenon?
|
self.depression
|
I'm so proud of my younger cousin that I cry when I think about it. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Yo, guys, I'm bipolar! I sort of like saying that? Which I feel is a very strange reaction to this sort of diagnosis. It's not that I want to be bipolar, but after so many years of struggling with mental health and not feeling like I could really talk about it because I wasn't diagnosed and was just making it up.. it's nice to feel validated I guess???
I had to push my doctor into getting me a psychiatrist appoitment but there aren't any in my city taking patients. I finally got in with one for a one time assessment/diagnosis appointment but he said because of the bipolar diagnosis, he's see me for 3 or 4 followups untill I'm settled on meds.
I was really surprised at the amount of choice I was given with medication. He gave me a few options- lithium, abilify or something else, along with pros/cons and let me choose. (I choose to try abilify)
He also let me choose with of my antidepressants to come off (he was not at all impressed that my family doctor had me on 2 at the same time despite me being a text book bipolar case). He recommended staying on effexor but upping the dose, but when I mentioned having some worries about coming off of Wellbutrin since I've has much more positive effect from it and liked the small bit of energy it gave me he was fine with letting me stay on that. The down side is that my anxiety will be completely untreated for the next month, so we'll see how that goes!
|
self.bipolar
|
Forgot my medication at home I'm at work and on the verge of an attack. I have pills for when I have a panic attack that helps calm me down but I don't like taking it unless I really need it. So just having it in my bag kinda comforts me in a way.
I finally decided to go take it just so I can get through the rest of my shift and realise it's not there. I left it in my purse at home. So that sucks. Idk typing helps me a bit. my supervisor comes in half an hour so I'm gonna have to go be productive soon.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Out of control For the last week I have had terrible anxiety and panic attacks. Nothing is helping them. The thought has crossed my mind more than once to jump off my apartment balcony just so I don't have to deal with it anymore. I'm about done with it all.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I don't even know what to think anymore I don't know if this belongs in suicide watch. I don't want to commit suicide, but I think my friend might have just done so. I guess I'll know for sure in a few days, when he doesn't contact me. He was or is severely depressed. I'm not going to talk about all of his issues here, because there are a lot of them. The only relevant information for now is that he is or was suicidal, that I've talked him out of suicide before, and he didn't have a lot of friends. I was one of his only friends, and he is or was also one of mine.
Two nights ago we were talking on the phone about our relationships. I told him that I once told my [current] boyfriend that I loved him but that he didn't say that he loved me back. He told me that he was once in a relationship with a girl and the same thing happened, and that it made him lose interest in her, sort of insinuating that that same thing might happen to me. He was trying to give me advice, I guess. I started crying. He didn't exactly know that I would have reacted the way I did, but then again that isn't really the type of thing you say to someone if you're trying to help them with something. I told him that I needed some time alone and hung up.
Now, I have a problem with being confident in relationships. Long story short, I've dated some shitty people and people who made me feel insecure, guilty, and generally badly about myself (and I'm sure most of you can understand or have experienced what I'm talking about). Because of that I've felt really insecure about a lot of my relationships, not just the romantic/sexual ones. The guy I'm dating now is a total sweetheart and we've been dating for almost 9 months now, but in the beginning of the relationship I was really scared about losing him because I can get really emotional at times. A month or so ago I finally started to feel more confident about this relationship because it's lasted so long.
So, after I hung up on my friend (and went to sleep, because it was night time), he sent me a bunch of messages saying that he was sorry, he didn't mean it, etc. I know that he didn't mean to hurt me, even though he didn't use the best advice. When I woke up, I told him that I would talk to him for a few days because I was angry about what he said, but that he shouldn't be afraid of losing me as a friend. I just needed some time to "recuperate," essentially. Last night he messaged me again, saying that he was 'leaving," and that he was sorry. From talking to him before when he was like this I knew that he meant that he was going to kill himself. Then he blocked me and deactivated his account before I could reply.
Not too long ago, he activated his account I guess, because he started talking to me again. He said that the way he said goodbye last night wasn't the proper way to go. Then he sent a few long messages that all boiled down to him not wanting to need people anymore when they didn't need him. He said that hurting me was essentially the tipping point. Then he blocked me again, and hasn't talked to me since.
If my reaction to what he said was his tipping point, I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself. On the other hand, what he said really did hurt me. It's going to take everything in me to convince myself that it wouldn't be my fault if he killed himself, and even then I don't know if it will be enough. Does this mean that I should be completely selfless and not be offended when people deeply hurt my feelings? I don't even know if this is me being "offended" or if it's more me just being scared and hurt. And now I feel awful for making this post about myself, when it should be about my friend possibly just committing suicide. I don't even know what to think anymore.
|
self.depression
|
I'm afraid of existing. The past couple of days my anxiety has gotten worse. I've been having these weird feelings where I'm feeling anxious thinking about my existence and things around me and thinking about the past and future and home I will one day be dead no matter how much i don't want to. Add to the mix also feeling like reality isn't what I think.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else feel like doing nothing and just sleep? [deleted]
|
self.depression
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CW: Suicidal Ideation Help Does anyone have any tips on dealing with suicidal ideation especially at work when you can’t do anything other than sit and think? I’m not in a great place today.
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self.bipolar
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Someone give me a reason to not do it right now
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self.SuicideWatch
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Becoming more self aware of how every week of my life goes I'm 24, I have been diagnosed with autism, whether or not the "professionals" were right, I don't care now. I would say I am depressed as of now.. I have no appetite, I need to force myself to eat, I don't enjoy eating. I would rather be in bed for 9 hours then get up and go to work. My mom and step dad are successful with their business, I still live with them, but they're miserable people too, they just consume and buy shit they don't even need.
I only make $665 a week, so that's not enough to be out on my own yet. And I graduated school, so that really paid off. I work as a support technician to make money, not because I love doing it, its a boring job and I am not even good at it, I'm good enough to not get the pink slip, I don't even want to learn more in the field I chose.
My step brother is a total slob and I am not allowing him down in the apartment anymore, he can go fuck himself, sick of him ignoring me and always leaving a mess. My sister is a nurse like my parents, and she complains... Makes more money than me... She makes 3 times what I do and she JUST graduated from school. I am making McDonald's money after memorizing routing protocols and dozens among dozens of tech oriented material for minimum wage pay.
I just see that what is there to be excited for? I'm not going to be with a woman.. And believe me, I'm not the typical douche bag male, that acts like he's entitled to a woman... People are fake... Men and women, relationships are mainly just for show. So the chances of me finding a woman who is genuine is as real as a fictional story.
I just work all week, come home and play video games and do nothing, that's how its going to be until I am dead, and I'm not even 30 yet. I thought about running away from my family, but I am not dumb, I know people are cruel to the core and have a habit to kill for no reason. I wouldn't last a week outside of my paycheck to paycheck job and parents's house.
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self.depression
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Trapped by rage from a loved one. What is it welling up in my gut?
A nervous knot,
Churning between my stomach and my heart.
Is it fear or anger?
Is it just frustration?
Is it powerlessness?
I want to avoid it at all costs.
It makes me want to leave.
How does it make you feel when people complain about you?
How do you feel when someone exposes your faults as if you were not there?
You say you are very mad and you are about to lose your temper.
Her angry outbursts f*** with my whole world.
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self.offmychest
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Anyone else just get the occasional overwhelming sense of despair that feels like it's clawing at your chest? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I just broke up with my long term boyfriend It feels like he didn't even care .
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self.offmychest
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Vent Session I’ve been sitting in bed for four hours now trying to sleep since I have to be up at 5am but my anxiety isn’t letting that happen.
It’s my fault, but then I guess when is it ever not? My whole life I’ve been two different people. At times an anxiety stricken jekyl caught up in the throws of crippling depression with a side of self doubt and constant feelings of unworthiness. While others I’m a narcissistic Hyde, a God, superior to everyone and everything who flys into fits of rage and cuts people down he loves with a silver tongue and racks up $15,000 a month in credit card bills.
For the longest time I just embraced the demons. I live for the manic episodes, however decimating to my life they may be there is no greater high than that feeling of ultimate superiority. Then I self medicate though the lows with drugs and alcohol to help coast me through the darkness. This methodology has taken me very far in life but has left behind a trail of tears, broken hearts, and devastated lives.
I was diagnosed as a child but never took the treatment route. Mental health issues are one of the only family heirlooms we have and I was always on the more normal end of the spectrum compared to the rest of my family as scary as that may sound. I made a lot of bad decisions in my younger years and paid with years of my life but I eventually turned things around and worked my way up to become known as somewhat of a prodigy in my career field. My manic episodes make me a damn good speaker and sales person, the two things in life I actually believe I’m really good at.
I started getting treatment last year after a severe manic episode resulted in me losing the love of my life and my best friend for the better part of a decade. 200mg of Lamictil has had a notable effect on my swings but it hasn’t eliminated them. That’s where my most recent life altering episode and my anxiety ridden post stem from.
It was my birthday in October, I also was riding the high of a new promotion, moving into a new luxury apartment, as well as a combination of sadness and anger at what would’ve been my 5 year anniversary with my ex who I had just found out was already dating someone else. I went out to dinner after work with some coworkers. Dinner turned to drinks which then flipped my switch where I didn’t give a fuck and took more shots before getting in my car and driving home.
Needless to say I didn’t make it. I woke up on the stone floor of a holding cell with a bunch of other drunks. With a hangover and the taste of regret in my mouth. Now I stand to lose everything I’ve spent the past seven years working for. Court is on the 11th but ever since the DUI I’ve been blindsided by bad news after bad news so my already nonexistent optimism is gnawing away at me. It’s almost like I’m in some false purgatory where everything is going on like nothing ever happened but there is a dark cloud on the horizon that stands to rain down and wash away the house I’ve built at any moment. My anxiety is almost at crippling levels and I find myself having to remember just to breath.
I know it’s my fault. I don’t blame my disorder or anyone else. I just sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I wasn’t a serial self saboteur.
If you read this I’m surprised I didn’t bore you. I guess I just needed to vent. I actually feel a bit more at peace now and might actually get a few hours of sleep.
Goodnight
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self.bipolar
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i'm too much of a coward i put the belt around my neck and around the pole in my closet but i couldn't bring myself to tighten it. but strangely i felt very peaceful right before when i figured i should just end things right here and now. but when i had the belt around me i just got scared that it would hurt and i just imagined how horrific my dead body would look. So I couldn't do it. I should do it, but I can't. I almost sent a goodbye text to someone i haven't spoken to in 6 months. would they even care? I doubt it, and I'm being completely serious when i say that.
I keep staring at the belt because i know it's my real only way out. I've already reached my peak and now it's over. The rest is just more of this, more pain and more failure and more delusion. I need to get out.
I wish I had the courage.
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self.SuicideWatch
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You thought you were hilarious, but no one was laughing when you were laughing at my son. Halloween is just so awesome and my happy, sweet 7 year old son was quite excited to go out tonight trick or treating in his lumberjack costume. We worked hard on the costume, making it all by hand. He was beyond excited and wore his costume proudly. Until he encountered you. You, a respected businessman in our city that was handing out candy, you looked him up and down and said "whoa hey kid, good lord, get those teeth fixed, I know a good orthodontist ". He's 7 and tall and skinny and already gets picked on by his classmates because his adult front teeth have come in waaaaay sooner than his other teeth. You fucking bullied a happy little child on Halloween, who was just wanting to have an awesome night as a lumberjack. But no, you couldn't see the excited little lumberjack, but a target to make fun of and get a few laughs from the people around you. No one laughed but you, you petty little man. My son knew you ridiculed him, and not the costume. Watching him realize that even adults make fun of him, and not just classmates, just destroyed me. I'm just so sad right now, and ache for my wonderful son who had a harsh life lesson I guess.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone ever feel like they’re not their true selves when on medication? It’s like it does help and ease the anxiety but it’s not you but then without it you’re back to being anxious all the time and that’s not you either.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this, I just want to be normal I guess without the meds
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self.Anxiety
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Tomorrow i ll go to the medic..i m scared..i wanma cry Tomorrow it ll be the first time i ll go to the medic.There is a huge posibility i may end up taking pills.Whats your experience with them.Did they work?How hard was for you to open up to them?
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self.depression
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First Bad Depressive Episode In a Long Time Hi. I’m 19 and bipolar type 1.
It’s been about a month since my last down (that lasted 3 days) and now I’m on the 5th day of a down cycle, which is the longest one since my last hospitalization months ago.
I’m really worried about how long this will last and I’m scared I’ll fall back into self harm. Any comforting words/advice?
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self.bipolar
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Need some words of advice on college. Been spending my first semester in college on campus. Not doing great. In fact I'm doing terribly. I'm failing a couple of classes but the majority are fine. I have my upcoming semesters planned out already as well.
These past few weeks its been getting harder to leave my room. I start feeling dizzy and nauseous, and terrified to go out, to the point that I've missed class a few times out of fear of nausea.
These last few days are the worst it's been. Almost every night now I've had to try and sleep with a constant feeling of nervousness. It feels like I'm acutely aware of my body and it's freaking me out, and I can't stop wondering if I'm sick every time.
I'm going to a doctor to see about possible treatment for the first time due to heavy push from my parents to do so, but that's a while away from now. I don't want to do this every night, and it feels like my usual methods of avoiding panic attacks and rising anxiety are starting to become slightly less effective as time goes on. Is there anything I could possibly be missing that could help, maybe just some suggested ways of staying calm and helping sleep?
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self.Anxiety
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It’s so easy to get caught up in so many different events and things happening that you forget just how miserable you really are until you slow down and remember.
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self.depression
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It will be it I posted here yesterday saying i would end it all at midnight but It is set in stone [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I dont know what to do, I just want to end my life. Today I couldn't sleep again ( Insomnia ). I was thinking about my life, about my GF and this shitty situation in our relationship. I feel like I don't love her anymore, it's like first love when you are teenager, At first you can't see you'r life without her, but after amount of time, this feeling just goes away. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. But she is still love me and I dont want to hurt her, but I also cant lie her in the face that I love her too... I'm so depressed. I hate myself so much. Right now I sitting next to my brother's gun and I don't see any other way out except suicide.
P.S. I'm sorry for my awful English
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m embarrassed I started a new job recently and started a new semester in school. I was doing great. Getting good grades and constantly being praised for being a hard worker. Then last week, at work, I had the worst panic attack of my life and I have felt shitty ever since. I’ve called out of work since then and I have been trying to find help and apply for medical leave but it’s been so embarrassing and shameful dealing with it. I am coming to terms with the fact that people are seeing me as a selfish and weak person. Maybe even lazy because of how much I’ve missed work and class. I’m so ashamed I can’t deal with it.
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self.Anxiety
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am I too aware? Long time lurker.
I have a general feeling that the more humanity knows about itself, the more it wants to destroy itself. People with depression tend to score higher on tests of realism.
Jesus Christ, I'm so alone. Even when talking to the few people I care about, I'm consumed by existential dread regardless. Ever since my grandfather died I've been wondering about the existence of a higher being.
If God exists he's a demon. God is the cause of both life and death in the world, and God is the cause of all suffering.
I've been planning to kill myself on the 14th of November. I doubt I will, because I somehow manage to mess everything up regardless.
This entire post is a clusterfuck. I'm sorry.
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self.depression
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I have a non verbal learning disability and I’ve never been treated for it and it’s now ruining my life. I’m 18, in grade 12, and I’ve started to go to therapy for depression and shit. And she pointed out that I most likely have a learning disability and I said to her, I know I have one, but I’ve never been tested. And so she told me that I have a non verbal learning disability and it was just clear that I did have one. But I’ve never been treated. And I’m never going to be treated because the test to get diagnosed is two thousand bucks. And so I’m just stuck with it.
And it’s ruining my life. It’s impossible for me to make friends, it’s impossible to get a girlfriend or even friends because I don’t know what people think. Now no ones what people think but I can’t tell facial expressions or body language or anything. And when I do, I don’t know what to say. I know exactly what to say, but I can’t. I just simply can’t. And I’ve come to the point where I just say I don’t know, or I guess, because I can think of words to say, I know exactly what to say, but it won’t come out. Same thing with texting or writing.
It’s also affecting school, because I can’t write essays. I would write something out, look at it, and think, that’s not right that doesn’t make sense. I would think something but write something totally different out. And it’s not like I would want to talk about pizza and then write out pasta, I would talk about pizza but it’s not what I want to say. If that makes sense. And this affects me all the time in school, for tests, essays, everything. I’ve even started to just write out explanations for what I’m trying to say on tests and hope that they understand. Because I just can’t get thoughts onto paper. Now right now it’s okay because I get my brother to write out essays for me, I would tell him what I’m trying to say and he knows what I’m trying to say, if that makes sense.
And so like, it’s just affecting everything and I’ve done it for so long that it’s really hard to change that. And so I have no friends and I don’t have a girlfriend because of it... I’ve had a couple girlfriends but that’s only because they’ve asked me out. There have been girls in the past where they’ve said after the fact that they would have gone out with me, but I just didn’t know how to tell if someone likes me. Because of the learning disability.
And so with this, and with depression and anxiety, it fucking sucks. And I’ve numbed myself to the point where I have no feelings. And so since I have no friends, and I just feel numb, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel. And so it’s fucked. Don’t know how else to put it. Don’t know what I’m getting at, don’t know it this is just a rant or what... but yeah.
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self.depression
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Panic attack at work Talking to co-workers and pretending you're okay while you're in the middle of a full-on panic attack is a special kind of hell. That was my morning. I'm calmer now, but I've still got that lingering awful feeling. The thing I panicked about is still there, hanging over me like a dark cloud. I just can't deal with it right now. I have an Ativan prescription, and I keep the pills with me at all times. I limit my usage though. I had to take 2 to fully calm down. I'm exhausted and still have half a day of work to go.
I don't know what I'm looking for. Validation, maybe? Like it's okay and I'll be okay?
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self.Anxiety
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Bullshit that is out of my control I feel a little ragey. I'm trying to do my part in a high profile project and the vendors software is not working at all. I missed my August deadline because of it. I had to shut my laptop so I don't write emails that I regret. My mind has started working a mile a minute on how pissed I am and all of the bugs in their software.
I might have to go meditate or something before I blow my lid.
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self.bipolar
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Is it all in my head? am i exaggerating all my symptoms? For the past year I have been going through a downward spiral. It started with anxiety and panic attacks, I improved a bit, and then it got worse due to other negative situations during that time.
The thing is at the moment, I am not in a particularly bad situation. It could be better, no doubt, when considering my immigration status, financial capability, and career path. But at least I have a job, loving family and a few friends. But I am always tired, just want to be alone but also be the center of attention, can't eat - intermittently lose my appetite despite being hungry, my body hurts, and I can't shake of my body image issues. I want to sleep all day, and I do sleep for 8+ hrs, but it is never enough and I have hard time getting out of bed. It's gotten to the point it affects my productivity at work and my personal life.
I was talking to my friend the other day and she has way worse problems than I do, yet she is holding up so well. While I feel like I'm making a molehill out of a small issue.
I just feel that this is all in my head, and it's just me exaggerating my symptoms for attention? or validation for being lazy and not working? or maybe it is minor Munchausen syndrome? Maybe I just need to work harder, try harder on getting through the day, eating well, and exercising.
How do I know this is depression and anxiety (as my therapist suggested, she also suggested medication) for real and not something I'm making up, or acting the part?
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self.Anxiety
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How do you control or mitigate your anxiety? Nothing seems to work anymore. To give some context, I've been on antidepressants for a couple of years and I attended CBT for six months (I stopped because I had to move abroad). Currently, I am awaiting a university interview and have had multiple panic attacks within the last couple of weeks. Antidepressants aren't helping much anymore and the CBT practices (identifying cognitive distortions, irrational thoughts) don't seem to stop the intrusive thoughts that lead me to panic mode. The only thing that helps slightly is pinching myself whenever an unwanted thought comes but it seems rather counterproductive, considering my psychiatrist prescribed me medication so I could stop doing that.
I also exercise often, and while it helps with my anxiety, I can't be in motion most of the time.
What do you guys do for controlling your anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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Believing in Forever After there was a time when i was young and unaware of life and the beautiful things it bestowed. i was also unaware that behind everything beautiful, there is a hidden image of something ever so ugly. on april 2, 2014 i believed i was in love. and oh was i correct.. the love soared on for years. and then i cracked, i broke promises and i fell behind. i cheated on the man of my dreams and i begin to fall apart from that moment on. it didn’t stop.. the cheating continued. he continued to lie to me about childish things such as porn usage and being alone.. then after 3 years.. it happened. he laid his huge hands on me, on our first vacation with each other.. and then pretended as if it never happened. leaving me as scared as i had ever been. was this the man i really loved? no. he had changed. i had changed him. i couldn’t bare to stand back and watch what i had done to him so i had tried to release him from my love trap. yet, he always ran back. we continued to attempt for a future but i was jus a immature teenager and so was he. the help never worked and neither did the breaks. now i’m running, from the truth and myself. until i can feel happiness surround me and until my life isn’t surrounded by an abusive father and an absent mother. i wish to know who B truly is. and without time and experience, i may never know. so here starts my long journey. wish me luck. i hope this was okay to post under this subreddit. thank you and goodbye.
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self.offmychest
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I think I might have bipolar disorder, how do I bring this up with my therapist? I’ve been feeling depressed off and on for a few years now, and I finally started seeing someone about it. I’ve only been to one session so far, and we just talked about general stuff, I didn’t really tell him a lot things that have been going on with me personally.
I’ve been reading up on bipolar disorder, and I’ve noticed I’ve experienced a lot of the symptoms. I’m not saying I do have it, and I’m not asking reddit for a diagnosis. However, I would like some advice on how to bring it up. I’m a little nervous about it because earlier this year I told my doctor I think I might have ADD, and she prescribed medication to me. I went to a follow up and told her it wasn’t really doing X, Y, etc. for me and she told me the medication isn’t supposed to do X, Y, etc. and told me I most likely don’t have ADD. She was skeptical of it from the beginning and I felt really foolish about it and now I’m anxious about bringing up the possibility of bipolar disorder with my therapist. Any advice?
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self.bipolar
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Stress turned into physical illness??? Hey so I've been dealing with stress headaches for a while but over the last couple of months its gotten to the point where I'm getting migranes and nausea days before and then when I'm at the place or situation as well and I don't know what to do. I finally asked my parents and they said not to stress but I feel like I'm not stressing anymore than I used to and now I'm stressing about getting migraines. I don't know if I should see a doctor or if its just something I need to get used to or over. Basically I want to know if anyone else has dealt with something similar like your stresses or anxieties making you physically ill? I really just don't know how to make it stop.
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self.Anxiety
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I miss you both... Shit on a shingle M, i am destroyed. I miss you and our son so mush i cry myself to sleep, or i drink till i'm numb. Youve blocked my texts after i asked for my car title/social security card back, youve completely shut me off. We split up because you gave up, and because i was an insufferable asshole who couldn't give you space. I went through your phone because i was worried about what else i could do to fix what had been broke. but fuck me sifeways if i wouldnt take it all back on. The stress, and frustration of being new homeowners, planning a wedding, being parents, working, and trying to find time for eachother...
I love you to the moon and back. I would have done anything, if you would have just told me i was being suffocating. I missed his birthday, i missed thanksgiving, i will miss christmas with the boy i agreed to raise as if he were my own. I will miss our wedding, and late nights with the cat gizmo sleeping on my head. I will miss your voice, and your laugh. Your scathing wit, and seeing you walk through the door. I miss having you close to me. I love you. I dont know how i will move on from this. But i will keep trying.
I hope you read this, after i created a reddit account for you, even after i forgot i'd done so.
It won't acomplish fuck all, but hopefully you know i still give a damn. And hopefully you know i still think of you, every day. I tell people on the phones about you, and our son. I damn near cried at work the other day when a lady talked to me about het ex who was stalking her, and how they had a kid together. I shared with someone over the phone that i understood, and cared for her. Hopefully it meant something to her.
I miss you.
Call me.
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self.depression
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Partial Shutdown I was supposed to go back to work today. I expended all leave and then some. Honestly I wasn't ready to go back and had acute anxiety over the thought. Nevertheless I got showered and dressed and one step at a time tried to make it into to the office.
Well maybe I wasn't supposed to go back because my car won't start. It's an older car I bought used and still have to pay for, and it has had various issues. This though is the first time where it completely cannot start.
I was barely hanging on in terms of trying to get things done even though energy is super low. Now however I feel my mind is going into shut down mode. There is so much to do, so many directions to go, that I really feel like I have just fallen down in the spot I once stood unable to move.
I feel my mind starting to go blank. I'm literally just sitting in this unmoving car starting at the sky.
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self.depression
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Unsure if I'm bipolar/borderline/neither... I know no one can make a diagnosis except a doctor, but I was just wondering what others experiences are. I have been on mood stabilizers for about 2 months now. They have really seemed to help me, and I have been practicing meditation/DBT/mindfulness(which goes along with the DBT).
I was diagnosed as bipolar in December when I was baker acted in late November because I was contemplating suicide. Okay, I've been missing my medications, and I've been contemplating going out and doing drugs and having sex; I'm also extremely irritable, and I just want to push people out of my life. I can't stop thinking about these two guys I have a crush on, and I almost want them to stop talking to me by messaging them to delete me from their phones/ off their messaging apps etc. I've done this kind of stuff all my life; well since I was a teenager (I'm 25 now)... I'd just randomly push people away(mostly guys I'd have a crush on)... It's like I was upset with myself for thinking about them so much, and I figured the only way to make it stop was to push them away, but I'd almost regret it afterwards. When it came to female friends I'd just disappear on them for months at a time. Also, I'd have impulse control issues during these phases, but it would only come on randomly like spending money, overeating, sex, drugs, drinking, etc.
It's weird because in daily life most people would never guess I have these issues since I'm really nice, and I try to keep these problems to myself and my mom and my therapist. Right now though I'm feeling all the urges associated with my manic episodes, and I'm not sure what to do. I started taking my medicine tonight, so I'm hoping it will help. I'm on Lamictal and Trileptal if anyone is interested... Does this sound familiar to anyone else? I know all experiences are different, but I've asked other friends and family members before if they ever have these type of experiences and they just look at me like I'm crazy.
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self.bipolar
|
I wish i could kill my self so i can put my mom in her fucking place [deleted]
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self.depression
|
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