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I need help I new to talk with someone. My mind wants to die to end this anxiety but I'm sure I'm not going to. Help me please. What do yo do when you don't know what to do and everyone is busy. I'm so lost, and everyone is working. I can't do my work and I want to die
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self.SuicideWatch
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Got a crave on for the grave After so much irreversible damage and so many disappointments, I have come around to a new understanding of life. Life is not meant to be happy.
Whatever happiness we may experience, in youth, or at other times, is a passing fancy. Even the happiness of the most happy person eventually comes to ruin in old age. But by then death is nigh, for others like myself however, it is nowhere near nigh enough.
I am almost 30 and daunted by the fact that there is still so much suffering left for me. I still have so many years and tears to look forward to.
The only reason I am alive at this point is to secure the futures of my children. But all the same, I dream of my day of death with eagerness.
God knows how I feel, He and I both know my unhappiness is my own fault. I do deserve to suffer, and I accept that gracefully. In fact, it is my honor to suffer. I would rather suffer my sentence in this life and have a clean slate for the next. I'm not foolish enough to think that I, or anyone, is exempt from the laws of nature and spiritual justice.
It's funny how so much pain causes you to not fear death. In being so depressed and suicidal all the time, I have actually become a very brave person. I am almost recklessly courageous, and I try to use that for righteousness, but it is only because I have nothing to lose. The world i so fucked it perceives good as evil, so you do end up being martyred and rejected, all because you follow the archetype of Jesus Christ by telling the truth to people who love a lie.
I wonder if the devil tempting Jesus to jump 700 feet is anything like what I am going through. The bible says that it crossed the mind of Christ himself to jump off of a cliff. And that it was a temptation.
I pray for death to come constantly but I know God won't let me rest or wimp out yet. The mind is a powerful thing and I know that my body will eventually give out just from me mentally not wanting to sustain it any more after a certain point. The will to live is key and without it you will wither away faster than if you cherish life and your flesh.
I know God will eventually be merciful to me and let me die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Controlling my "intensity" Hey all,
So I was diagnosed Bipolar years ago, but self medicated the shit out of myself to mask the symptoms. When I'd feel up, I'd celebrate with GABAergics like alcohol and benzos. When I'd feel like shit, I'd use amphetamines or other stims to try and feel normal. Eventually, this just turned into daily polysubstance use (who would've thought).
From August until early december of this year, I've been so god damn depressed that I failed another semester of college, and basically became nonfunctional. Failed to meet any academic or professional obligations, didn't work out at all, relationship boiled over into a breakup, blah blah blah. Then, in December, had a drug-fueled stint of self harm and crazy crazy behavior. That was definitely the wakeup call. Did not want to live like that.
Decided to say fuck you to self medicating. Quit everything, entirely. Not even touching one fucking drop of alcohol. Day 7, and I'm starting to feel a lot lot better physically. Hitting the gym at least once a day, sometimes twice. Much more so out of necessity rather than vanity. Anxiety spikes like a mofo if I don't, and I can feel the depressive feels come back if I neglect it for more than a day.
So for the most part, I'm actually feeling great about the future and my self image. What pisses me off though, is my family HATES my sober personality. They ironically keep accusing me of being on drugs. I just CONSTANTLY feel on. I need to do things, need to work out, and just act super intense for lack of a better word. They jokingly think I'm on steroids or some bullshit. They were so used to me being "normal" while I was self medicating my symptoms away.
I plan to see my psych early january to evaluate various medication options. In the meantime though, how do I control this "intensity" and stop acting like such a douche? I've been doing my best to control my sleep schedule, but I get pretty bad insomnia half of the nights I go to bed. 50/50 I'm sleeping 7.5hrs, while on the insomniac days I only get 4.5-5hrs shuteye. Everything else is in order, like working out and diet.
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self.bipolar
|
Things keep getting worse and I'm tired of shouldering it all. This isn't the first time suicide has popped into my head. When I was very young I considered it out of grief and passion. What's terrifying me now is that it's not even a fear response. The only things that accompany the thoughts are logistics and pros/cons.
My life has just been getting progressively worse and worse over the past few years. I moved out of my parent's house to pretend like I was an adult. I've cornered myself in debt to the point where if I don't work a solid 40 hours a week, or thereabout, I can't afford groceries. I've had nine different roommates in two years. Four of them turned out to be drug junkies that sold out of my apartment. I've had to move twice in the past six months alone. I hate my job, but I'm stuck in it. And honestly, all of this isn't even what's really getting to me.
I'm alone. I've been alone for a long time; but it's just becoming clear to me that it isn't going to change. I used to have friends, but I don't anymore. I've been single for almost 7 years. I just lost my best friend since 2008 (was one of my roommates). He just kind of forced his way out of my life. I'm losing my other best friend currently. The worst part about that is that I only hate myself because of it. I blame myself. He's avoiding me, lying to me, hating me, because of **me**. He was the one person I thought would be with me through everything. The one person that I thought understood and accepted me for who I am. And even he's gone now. And he doesn't care. And if he doesn't; why should I? I have nothing to live for anymore. Nothing keeps me going day to day. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing makes me smile. I'm so stressed out on a day to day basis that it makes living just seem worthless. The only thing that's kept me going is reminding myself that ending it erases any possibility of improvement. Even if there's possibility for improvement, it's just not going to happen.
Guys, I never thought I would go on a suicide watch forum on the internet. I just don't have anyone to talk to. No one to listen. I don't even know what I'm expecting from this. It's completely selfish of me. I just want someone to talk to. Please.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i feel so hopeless even though i know everything will get better [deleted]
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self.depression
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2017 was the worst year of my life A little bit about me first. I am a 17 year old male. I think that is all you need to know.
Last year in 2016 when school started, I decided that I was going to change my life. I was a loser at high school before. I was involved with no sports and was hardly in any club. My grades were good but not outstanding. I used to have a solid group of friends, but they all started smoking weed so I stopped hanging out with them. My life felt worthless. I had no accomplishments.
So when my junior year started, I changed my lifestyle drastically. I started waking up at five o'clock every morning to go on a run. At first, I started simple with just 3 miles a day. At my peak training, I was running seven miles every day before I went to school. I trained for a half marathon and ran it 1:31 (around a 6:59 min/mile pace) in April. I also started eating really healthy. I completely gave up snacks and desserts and basically ate the same thing every day.
At the same time, I became really devoted to my work at school. I was taking a rigorous schedule but was able to manage my time so well that I completed most of my work within two hours every day. For the remainder of my day, I would always do productive things: practicing for math competitions, programming, or reading. I was able to manage my time so easily because I would schedule my day in 15-minute increments.
Basically, every minute of every day was pre-planned. I would run at the same exact time every morning, I would eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same exact time every day, and I specifically planned how I would spend my free time. I would limit my screen time to only a 10-minute youtube video before I went to bed.
I loved my life. I felt completely in control and was accomplishing so many goals, but then my parents ruined it. I can't blame them though. I lost 30 pounds in 3 months due to my intense eating and exercise patterns (I was at the unhealthy weight of 110lbs for a 5' 11'' male). There were also worried about my stress levels, even though I felt fine.
The tipping point occurred on December 31st, 2016, New Year's Eve. My parents wanted me to go to a party with all my old friends who used to smoke pot. I refused because I didn't want to stay up until midnight. But my parents do this thing where they try to force me to go to something by not mentioning it until 15 minutes before the event. When my mom tried to use that trick, I broke out crying. I tried to explain to her how uncomfortable I feel when I stay up past my self-assigned bedtime of 9:00 pm. She kept on thinking that I was having some sort of social anxiety issue, but she did not understand that I did not feel functional if I break my rule of going to bed at 9:00 every night.
I told my mom I needed to see a therapist. Sometime in January, I met with someone who specialized in OCD, because my mom assumed that my strict way of life was associated with the disorder. Low and behold, the therapist diagnosed me with OCD within an hour. It's hard for me to tell whether I actually had the disorder or if it just happened that I was with a therapist who specialized in OCD, so they are able to see OCD in everyone.
In February, I saw a psychiatrist. She prescribed Prozac to treat my OCD. The problem was, I did not want to be treated. I was perfectly happy living with OCD, if I really had it. However, I was too shy to stand up for myself at the meeting. When I got in the car, I broke out crying to my mom that I did not want to change and that I did not want to go on medication. She basically scolded me that my way of life was not sustainable and that I have no choice. The next day, she forced me to take the medication.
Luckily, the medication had little to no effect. However, my rules were getting more strict. I was able to gain back my weight through counseling, but I started having more OCD tendencies. For instance, I always had to wash the dishes whenever I passed the dishwasher, I had to do 10 pushups and 10 situps every 15 minutes, and I had to measure my food before I ate it. Also, I started having panic attacks when I broke my rules such as eating the same thing every day and going to bed at 9:00. In order to stop these attacks from coming, I would occasionally take a razor blade and rub it against my arm until I started to bleed.
I was still enjoying my life, but my parents hated it. My strict rules were getting in their way. So psychiatrist prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. Unlike Prozac, these medications actually worked. By September of 2017, all my rules went away. I could eat whatever I wanted, go to bed at what time I pleased, and spend my free time doing things that were actually fun for me. For the first week on these medications, I was so relieved.
But after the first week, things started to change. I became a procrastinator. I stopped running. I felt like my life was falling apart and becoming more like it was before my junior year. I felt like a nobody. I started becoming super critical of myself and looking back at it, very depressed.
Throughout my whole senior year, I was struggling to keep up with school work. Both my parents went to California for two weeks because my dad was having medical issues. I took the opportunity to stop taking my meds. When my parents came back, they found out and were pissed. Nevertheless, they supported me because I think they realized I was not happy on the meds.
Unfourtanety, I felt the same off the meds as I did on the meds. One day, I was feeling particularly crappy. I did poorly in a math competition that I usually excel at and there were many assignments due soon that I had not even started. I drove to the library with an intent on working on them, but instead just stayed in my car for 1 hour. I was having pretty intense suicidal thoughts for the week prior to this day, as I felt hopeless that I was off my meds and not getting any better. That day, I decided I was going to act on them. I drove to a water tower that is by my house. I walked up to the base, planning to jump off, but I could not do it.
I stood at the base for two hours. I couldn't get myself to scale the water tower as I was scared of facing death. At the same time, I couldn't leave as I was scared of having to go back to regular life. I was tired and I needed something to get myself to move. So I texted one of my best friends and asked him if he could help me with something. I tried to tell him what I was going through, but I could not put it in words. I texted him back "nevermind".
I was seriously considering doing it, but at the last minute my parents called me and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. I took them up on their offer. But for the rest of the day, I planned on waking up and killing myself first thing in the morning. I even wrote a suicide note that night.
I woke up the next morning and could not get myself to do it. I didn't go to school. I told my parents I needed to talk to my psychiatrist. In afternoon, my psychiatrist called me and I told her I was having suicidal thoughts. She told me to go to the emergency room.
From the emergency room, I was transferred to a psych ward which I spent 9 days in. Currently, I am missing school to attend an outpatient program.
I am completing hopeless at the moment. I am so depressed that I spend the majority of my days just lying in bed with nothing to do. I can't get myself to do any school work. I don't even see the value in my accomplishments anymore. Because I was in the psych ward during my winter break, I could not apply to any of the colleges I wanted to.
Anyways, 2017 sucked and I have no hope for 2018 either. My heart goes out to anyone who feels the same way.
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self.offmychest
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Tips for developing morning/evening routines for people with mental illness? Whenever my mental illness flares up its really hard to get myself to wash my face, brush/floss my teeth, shower, and even go to sleep. I just lay there forever staring at the ceiling. Sometimes it feels like I can’t even physically garner the momentum to get off the bed to do those basic self care things. Has anyone found tips or tricks that helped them deal with this? I want to be able to take care of myself even when my mental illness gets bad.
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self.depression
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Not even sad, just tired I don’t even feel sad, necessarily, I just feel empty. I don’t even have a particularly bad life, but I just want it to stop. I don’t want to have to wake up or worry about anything anymore. I did tons of psychedelics last year and it definitely fucked with my head a bit. I feel like I’ve already peaked and I’ve been riding the falling action ever since, and I’m only 17. I’m tired of monotony and I just wish there was an easy, painless way out
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self.SuicideWatch
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Recently diagnosed and having trouble wrapping my head around it. Came out of hospital with a change in diagnosis (from II to I after psychosis entered the picture) and a buttload of meds...but I don't "feel" bipolar.
Honestly I feel like I'm faking it. That maybe I faked my hypomanic state for an entire month. That I just forced myself to be really happy, listened to loud music and popped caffeine pills. I tried to replicate the setting exactly like the previous time but I don't feel it. I still feel "normal" now. I can't seem to ignite that "flame" I felt last time.
The delusions...did I really believe them? I read some of the stuff I wrote when I was in that state and it's just gibberish. But now they seem too bizarre that I find it hard to believe I could have accepted them as 100% the truth.
I feel like I'm trying to induce an episode only to prove to myself that I'm (or not) bipolar. Depression came and went many times before so I'm used to it, but the hypo/mania is a new thing, and it's hard to accept.
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self.bipolar
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The panic won’t stop and I’m losing control. I am only 20 when will this stop? Please help. (Sorry for the long post and terrible grammar.) I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression my entire life. Yes my entire life...even as a child. Lately I feel like the fear of my anxiety is just getting worse and worse. For a while I thought I was okay I thought my depression disappeared and my anxiety was becoming manageable but it’s back and it is hitting me hard.
I have been having multiple panic attacks a day every day for the past two weeks. It is causing a lot of stress on my relationships and it is causing me a lot of physical pain. My chest hurts all day long and my entire body is so sore like I got hit by a truck then they reversed and drove over me again. I’ve been getting into massive fights with my boyfriend that end up in a massive panic attack. The other night I got so upset I broke the window on our front door and was screaming that I was going to slit my wrist the the shards of glass. The cops were called that night and I looked like a psycho. I’ve been to the hospital multiple times for threatening to kill myself and it usually happens mid panic attack. Afterwards I realize it was stupid and I know I would never do it but sometimes I wish I would.
I recently started taking adderall again and I thought that would help me get through my day and also curb my appetite because I am struggling with my weight. When I’m coming down from my adderall I am definitely more irritable I don’t know if this is causing me to get so angry so quickly or if it is just the anxiety. I’ve been in and out of therapy so I’ve been thinking of trying medications. I’ve been on the antidepressants and they all made me suicidal. I don’t like my head being in that place at all. Most of my anxiety is caused by the fact that I did go through a dark dark time and I am terrified of going back to that. After that I did go through a phase of messing around with prescription pills (especially Xanax) which is why I’m hesitant to trying medication and I have a lot of questions of how they work and which ones work best.
I’m just tired of being that crazy girl and I am tired of being the fuck up in my family. I know this is all shit I am supposed to be able to control and I know all this bs just sounds like an excuse but I legitimately feel like I have no control. When I feel the panic come over me I have trouble deciphering what is real and what isn’t. I feel like I’m outside of my body watching myself be fucking crazy and I can’t get back in to stop it. I have all these thoughts and images come into my head and I can’t get them out. Literally images of disturbing shit that I may have seen in a movie or that my disgusting brain comes up with itself. Terrifying images of clowns or my bones breaking. I have a lot of “phobias” and irrational fears of the stupidest shit. I’ll sing a song and think of happy things but I cannot get them out. The craziest part is that I KNOW it is stupid I know it is crazy I know it is irrational I know it’ll cause trouble yet I still do it I still let it happen. It is like a disease that is taking over my body and nothing will stop it. I feel like I have absolutely no control and everything around me is crashing down and I’m screaming but nobody can hear me. I’m scared that one day it’ll take over and I’ll be locked out of my own body not able to get back in and they will send me away just like in the movies.
I hate being one of THOSE girls that is on medications and gets triggered easily. I hate who I am, I hate what I do, and I hate how I react to things. Im feeling a thousand feelings all at once but I don’t want to feel anything. I want this all to disappear so I can live my life. I’m only 20 I don’t want to die I don’t want to feel this way it isn’t fun. I guess I’m just looking for input to see if anyone else deals with this and how they cope and if the medications help at all and if they are worth it.
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self.Anxiety
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That beautiful moment where you can’t stop talking shit about imaginary people you don’t even know exist that haven’t done anything to you.... yet you talk like they’re your mortal enemies. I fucking hate my rants [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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My friends are looking down on me and telling me to kill myself Okay, so the title is probably making you wonder what kind of asshole "friends" I have.
Well, I should probably mention that I used to make jokes about depression and my suicidal tendencies in an attempt to deal with my problems, just the way /r/2meirl4meirl does it, for example. Turns out that that kind of humor works better on the internet than in real life though.
I'm not actually sure if my classmates were worried about me in the beginning but I know that they're just annoyed that I'm always down at this point.
The other day two of my classmates told me that I should just finally go and kill myself, if I'm really as unhappy as I am but that I probably won't do it anyways because I'm "too big of a pussy after all".
I get that they probably don't mean it. I don't want to make it sound like I'm being bullied. People like me and they were just goofing around but they honestly don't know what they're saying. I was legit considering it. I always am.
I stopped joking about depression. I stopped talking about not feeling too well or being down. I'll never talk about how I'm doing anymore. I'll always be "fine", because as soon as you tell someone that you're not really doing well, they just tell you that you should suck it up and stop being a wuss.
I hate this. I wish I never showed them that I'm not happy. I should have never tried to reach out by making stupid jokes about depression. Real life is not like the internet. You can't say the shit that you're able to say online. I'm such a fucking idiot.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just need something to talk to So recently my mother asked my father for divorce. Everything seemed fine at first but then my dad started to feel very insecure and old, I guess. He was slowly going insane. He compulsively started losing weight and tried learning to dance. It was starting to get a bit concerning but we all thought it was normal to try to better yourself so we just left it. But last week he took a secret trip to mexico and tonight came back with an entirely bruised and patched face. It was horrific. While he was away he had facial surgery done but it didn’t go quite as planned... we all so scared for him and I honestly don’t know what to do. I mean, he doesn’t even feel like my dad anymore... Thanks Reddit for listening.
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self.offmychest
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Found a quote that sums up how I feel Found this quote in a book I read over Thanksgiving that describes it perfectly.
“The worst part of being truly alone is you think about all the times you wished that everyone would just leave you be. Then they do, and you are left being, and you turn out to be terrible company.”
It seems like regardless of being with others or alone the sadness is there.
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self.depression
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I dont want to fucking feel or live My pathetic excuse of a family moved to different country hoping it would be better but it just got worse and I lost all the people i trusted i just feel so depressed i wish i was numb, in some form i guess i am. It's scary y'know? knowing i wouldn't shed a single fucking tear if my entire family died.I cared more for my friends than i do about my own fucking family god my "dad" cares about money and only money, my mother has anger issues and depression, my sister is an obese selfish brat who cares only for herself , and my brother is a narcissistic and homophobic asshole but i guess i might feel a little disappointed if he died.I just feel like things are never gonna get better. Oh well, One day at a time, right?
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self.offmychest
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29 today. Not sure I can do another birthday. It's exactly the same as every other day. Take two hours to get out of bed (which is a slab of wood right now). Drink until work to numb the ever-present pain of lost love that comes from trying to get over a relationship that lasted 10 years. Stifle crying at work- nothing freaks people out more like an emotionally-crumbling nearly-30-year-old man. Get home, take care of cat through fog of trying to drink myself to sleep. Maybe I'll eat a whole meal tomorrow; probably not.
The only difference is coworkers I barely know or family I barely talk to awkwardly trying to congratulation me on what they think is a celebratory day. And then there's my ex, still trying to 'make things work' and 'see if I'm okay'.
I just want to press a button and turn off the world. I could sleep well without a tomorrow. I'd settle for my own home and a sufficient amount of friends and a love that won't repeatedly deceive and string me along.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Update: It's past September and I'm still here. Not much to say other than things aren't any better on paper, I'm still broke and knee deep in loans, but a move and some fresh perspective has made my life not only more bearable, but also enjoyable at times. I actually like being around most days and I'm not beating myself up about my failings anymore. I'm still not on medication or in therapy anymore, but I'm doing well right now so I'm just riding that wave the best I can. I guess I just wanted to pop on here and say that I'm still alive. I'm not expecting anyone to remember my posts, but for those who were kind to me, it means the world.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm confused I have friends, okay family and I'm generally pretty chill but I want to die and I don't feel like I'm good enough. Does anyone else experience this?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Depression coming back after surgery.. Hullo everyone.
First of all, thanks for reading. I feel quite alone at the moment.
Last week, I broke my leg, and had to get surgery the next day. They put 5 screws inside of me, and one plate, so I am *kinda* immobile for the next 2 months.
I say *kinda* because I can walk, but only with a boot, and with crutches. I can only walk/stand up for around 4 minutes at a time.
I have had depression and anxiety my entire life.. Dealing with it has always been a struggle.
At this time in my life, I don't know what to do anymore. My mobility and independence has been taken away from me with a snap of the fingers.
My boyfriend has to do everything for me now. It will be like this for the next 2 months.
I am not able to do anything, I am hiding in my room, sitting (more like lying) on the couch all day, everyday.
I guess.. I guess I am asking for advice on how to not fall deeper into my hole, again. This time, it is not my choice, but I know I can change this a little bit at least. I can become more motivated, and not feel so sad about everything that has been going on this past week.
I know it's not all that simple, though.
I want to escape the loneliness and isolation that this is making me face, yet again. I feel almost so selfish for doing this to myself in the past, without having some sort of disibility to stop me from going outside.
Now I just want to be my old self again.
Hiding in my bedroom, being lonely, having too much anxiety to go outside. In some way, seeing how my life is now I would be able to combat those moments..
I can't even go for a walk to clear my mind..
Anyway, what are you guys doing in your free time? How do you find refuge in the days? How do you find happiness in the day, when you are just looking at the clock, waiting for time to pass?
Thanks for anyone who has listened. I just needed to get this off my chest.
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self.depression
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Life is really hard When you don't want to live
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self.offmychest
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Diagnosed in October. Type 2. Still finding my way out of the forest... Hello out there. I’m new to this, I don’t know, recovery? It was relief to know the name to treat it, but terrifying too. The meds have absolutely stabilized me, but I’m coming out of a depression. I knew the meds wouldn’t cure all of it, but I hoped. You know? I hoped.
More than anything, it’s reminded me of what I used to have to do all the time to keep myself sane. I had to think for survival. I had to tell the monkey gnawing on my brain, “Not today. Those are all bad ideas.”
Makes me wonder how I did survive. I knew I had to go in and get help, when I started thinking “Maybe not being here makes sense. Maybe the peace is worth it.”
I drove to the clinic, and here I am.
The forest is huge, the path dizzying, but I have to keep going. I must.
I wanted to ask you out there, what was/were the moments that made you realize you couldn’t do this on your own?
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self.bipolar
|
How do I combat my anxiety I feel like a Failure. I decided to go to a small private college near my house because there was this direct program in a healthcare field that I was admitted to. But I honestly did not want that as a future career. I wanted to be a pharmacist but I did not get direct entry. I know I could have worked for it. I later transfered to mys state university where I was admitted to before also. But I feel I ruined my life. SInce there is so much emotional pain I could have avoided if i had just gone there in the first place. I got accepted to pharm school also. The world does not care but I do. I feel no matter how much more "succesful I get" I will never still really be succesful to myself. I honeslty thought I would be miserable if my life turned out this way, but I still chose this route. But I realize my view on the world as a teenager was not very realistic. I realize now that success means doing what make u happy. and I used to judge people also, but I was a teen.
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self.Anxiety
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How do you not hate yourself if you have no positive attributes? I cannot name a single good thing about myself-I am not smart, not charismatic, not good looking, not a good person, not got social skills, got no talents or skills, I am bad at everything I've ever tried in my life. I have 1700 hours in CS:GO and I'm worse than people with half my hours, I played (association) football my whole life and I was always trash at that, I tried to do guitar for a few years when I was younger but I got kicked out because the teacher thought I wasn't practising-I was, I just was really bad at it. I have a few friends but they don't like me that much and I don't blame them because I'm a bad person to be friends with, I am boring, I have no distinct interests and I can't hold a conversation for more than 5 seconds. I just don't understand why I should like myself, if anything it'd be irrational not to hate myself because every single aspect of my life is going terribly and it's ultimately no-one's fault but my own.
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self.depression
|
Today is 2 years since I was raped. I hate Christmas forever I wish I could tell someone that it's the anniversary of the worst day of my life.... I wish I could cry a little and start to finally get over it... but telling people would involve revealing the fact that I was raped at all. Most of all, I feel a low-key murderous rage towards the rapist and also all the men on the street that stare and leer disrespectfully at me and other women. I've never really hit anyone in my life before, but I was watching two guys take huge sledgehammers to destroy an abandoned building, and it was sort of cathartic. You know how in movies sometimes a character punches someone repeatedly in the face, like dozens of times? Just imaginig breaking the rapists face makes me feel better. I'm 99% sure I'll never see him or hear of him again.
Anyone have any tips on what to think so I don't ruin my whole day by obsessing about the past? I'm so ready to stop bubbling with anger and tears and frustration and helplessness and loneliness.
Thanks for existing, Reddit
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self.offmychest
|
FUCK MY LIFE, I'M A FUCKING DISGRACE! LIFE HAS KICKED ME IN THE FACE FOR TOO LONG AND I WANT FUCKING DIE! I'm done with life, just when I thought I was getting better with my anti-depressants 200mg and CBT, life has decided to kick me in the face once again and beat me up while I'm down!
I'm fucking done with life, I want to hang myself in my bedroom and say fuck the world and wait for someone to see my body rot as it hangs from the coat hanger in my room. I don't want anyone to remember me or even think of me in the future because I'm a worthless piece of shit who does not deserve love from anyone!
I'm an ugly piece of shit with no future! I'm ready to take my life!
Here is my last words before I go....
Mum, Dad, and my sweet little brother, I'm sorry that you have to see my body hanging in my room, lifeless and worthless, I'm sorry that our trips to Walt Disney World will feel like magical because I won't be there and it will feel more sober. I hope that the magic of Disney on your next trip can help you through the fact that I'm gone.
To my friends at university, I'm sorry that you'll have to carry with the project without me, I hope you do well because you would have failed with me in the group.
To my friends that I have met at the Download Festival since 2013, I'm sorry that I won't there next year to see Guns N Roses headline the main stage, nor will I get to see A7X and Ozzy headline. I'm sorry, but I hope you have a cold Jack Daniels for me next year when you go to Donington Park.
Again, I'm done with life, goodbye!
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxiety is kicking my ass today I recently started seeing a new therapist after not seeing one for several months due to scheduling issues. I finally made the call and started at the end of January.
We've been talking a lot about my anxiety, specifically workplace anxiety. In October, I changed positions at work due to starting grad school. I had a shaky start due to some miscommunication and having a hard time adapting to a strict 8-5, versus the flexible 40 hours I was doing before.
I have a lot of performance anxiety and guilt over everything. Literally everything. I feel guilty over tiny mistakes that I can't really control. After my first performance review with my new supervisor, I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom crying because I felt like she told me I wasn't doing my job right and I was terrified I was doing such a bad job that I would be fired. I am intimidated by my supervisor. Mostly because she only seems to talk to me when I have done something wrong. Otherwise I'm not acknowledged.
I work at a community mental health center and schedule first time appointments for services. It's been more stressful lately because we have had to reschedule a lot of assessments due to staff turnover. I'm also stressed about grad school.
This week in therapy we talked about how my anxiety is probably a 3-4 all day long at work because of my worry about not doing things right and disappointing people if I can't get them scheduled when they want or if we don't have the services they want, etc. So the past two days I have tried to check in with mysef periodically on where I am and use deep breathing to bring myself back down. That went well until today.
Wednesdays are always really busy because we have a bunch of assessments in the morning and we have paperwork they have to complete when they come in. So between answering phones, we also have to run out to the waiting room and have people sign things or check their insurance eligibility, etc. It's nuts sometimes. During all this, a guy called to request a specific kind of assessment. We don't offer that particular treatment (that is frequently court ordered) and I referred him to an agency that does. He called back a second time and got very snitty when I was the one that answered. He said someone else at my agency told him we had that service and he had called the other agency and they said they didn't have that either and to call us. I tried to explain the specific services we offered and asked if his PO had recommended that. When he insisted on his previous statements, I transferred him to another staff member who has been there longer. She gave him the same information. She tried to find out if he had been there before and he refused to give his name or any of his charges so we could figure out where he needed to go. He got upset that she was "denying him services", when we weren't denying him, we literally didn't have what he was requesting and we tried referring him to an agency that did. Somehow, the call ended.
He called a third time and I got the call. I said the same thing I had said before. And he started talking about how he had rights as an American and we were denying them (not sure how that is relevant). I tried transferring him to my supervisor but I couldn't get the transfer to go through (turns out I had switched two of the numbers). I asked him if I could take down his first name and phone number and have my supervisor call him. He refused and said my agency would be hearing from him.
I sent a quick email to my boss about the situation (the other staff member had after her call as well) and basically ran to the bathroom. I cried for at least 10-15 minutes. I was trying not to be loud and draw more attention to myself than I already had. I texted a coworker and told her I was in the bathroom and would be out in a bit but just couldn't handle being on the phone right then. And I just couldn't stop crying.
The rest of the afternoon basically went the same way. A coworker asked about it and I started crying at my desk. I was scared to answer the phone in case someone else would yell at me. I'm still nervous about him calling again. Or possibly getting in trouble even though the others in my office said I didn't do anything wrong.
I cried on the way home because of something stupid I told a friend yesterday. My boyfriend and I fought last night and I feel guilty about that. I'm not going to class tonight because I'm afraid of my car breaking down or getting stuck in the snow and having a panic attack. And I feel guilty about not going to class.
I'm exhausted. I can't do this.
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self.Anxiety
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To be alone or not to be alone? I’m a hermit. When I go out it wears me out, my anxiety goes on overdrive and I get overwhelmed. I’m lonely but I’ve realized that being in a relationship will probably never happen. I need constant reassurance, I always think I’m bugging someone, I overthink everything, and I second guess myself always. I guess you can say I’m “needy.” I wouldn’t want to put my anxiety/depression on someone else’s shoulders, I feel like I’d be a burden. I’ve tried talking to someone with anxiety thinking they would understand out of everyone how I feel everyday, how anxiety can consume you. They would understand the need for constant reassurance, that they would tell me it’s okay or be honest with me. Even just simply saying “I understand.” But nope. They were very indirect about everything and ignored my questions of what they wanted from me making my anxiety sky rocket through the roof. Yes I would love attention, who doesn’t? But at this point I will go back to keeping to myself. I’d rather be alone than to be disappointed. Plus I’ve realized that dating isn’t what it use to be. Why do I have to be so broken?
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self.Anxiety
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At what point do they start medicating you for anxiety? So I’ve been diagnosed bipolar for about a year and a half now. I would have weird flares of anxiety attacks that I used to contribute to school until I dropped out. Then I contributed it to visiting my inlaws when I ran out of medication. Now they’re back. I’m suppose to be changing medications next week and for the last couple months my anxiety has gone through the roof. It started out as just elevated anxiety levels and I thought it was just because I made a big move and I didn’t know the area or have any friends. I’ve been here a few months now so those two problems aren’t valid anymore, but now I’m having multiple anxiety attacks a day almost every day for the last few weeks. Is it time to get medication for it?
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else feel able to order food if the waiter/waitress has to come up to you, but anxious if you have to go up to them and order?
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self.Anxiety
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bipolar for anyone of you guys ? is it just me or has bipolar been for you just one outrageous manic episode on anti depressives and apart of that just depression or gray phases ?
I never realy felt manic or hypomanic apart from that one time. maybe it happens but I dont feel it cuz am mostly alone in my room.
just wondering
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self.bipolar
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Can't fall asleep I can't fall asleep. Is 5:06 am I just went down stairs and ate a lot of food and now I hate myself.
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self.depression
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help im usually ok and all, i usually dont talk much about this stuff, meh, you dont have to read it, im just writing this stuff out to get a bit of weight off of me. so, you see, i am diagnosed with depression, and suicidal tendencies. im taking pills about a year now, but i think they stopped working, i think they just stopped affecting my body in a sense. i feel more and more mental exhaustion and less and less enjoyment in things i used to enjoy. i still laugh, and smile, but when im alone with my thoughts, its like boom, everything can be fine in one moment, and in a second, im feeling like shit - usually not wanting to get up or wake up at all, often insomnia, feeling the need to hurt myself, not wanting to go out but just lock myself in a room and not wanting to eat at all (no appetite). i think i should do something with it, but im scared of telling my therapist, because she told me that if i say anything about suicide or hurting myself, or depression, im going back to mental hospital, which didnt help me at all, but just made things worse. i also dont want to take pills anymore, so i dont want to tell my psychiatrician about this. i usually talk to my closest friend, or my boyfriend, but sometimes i still dont say everything and have it inside me. its like a balloon. you can only get so much air in and when you have too much air, it pops. so sometimes i have these outbursts, it can happen anywhere, in public, at school, at home, anywhere. i usually try to not show much negative feelings towards other people, because i dont want to look weak. but i am weak and that is the problem. i dont want to get this worse. i dont know what to do anymore.
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self.depression
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College decisions are impossible All my life I've been doing what I've been told to do, and been fairly content with that. But now that I'm out of high school I need to make my own decisions of where to go to college and what to major in/etc, but I feel mentally incapable. By that I mean, deciding what I wanna do for college has been at least 50% of my thoughts ever since I started applying to them, in early 2016. Back then my main choices were a school I really liked that was in another country (McGill), and one close to home (RIT), and my mind flickered between liking one or the other for six months and I only picked the closer one since it was easier to fill out the paperwork for, and the task of setting up the time to go visit the other one seemed too daunting a task. So I went to the close-by school for a year, but dropped out because I was so consumed with thoughts of "I should have gone to the other school" that I ended up unable to focus and now I'm at community college to "figure out what I wanna do." But I'm not making any progress, I think, since even though it's on my mind all the god damn time, it's just epiphany after epiphany of "OK I've figured out where I wanna go now" and then a few hours later seeing a text from an old friend at RIT, or maybe seeing something in french and remembering how much I like the language and thinking back to McGill, or I just look up the millions of other colleges and since they all have interesting things I have such fear of missing out that I can only go to one. But at this rate I'm so tied up that I struggle to find myself unable to stick to one.
I've talked to therapists about this, but it's always hard because even if they help give me revelations about myself, I go the same route of changing my mind a few hours later. Hell even if one of you gives great advice I'll appreciate it at first then have some epiphany where I think I don't need to listen to reddit people and be back to square one again. I've tried Adderall and anti-anxiety meds too and the former just makes me irratable and the latter does calm me down about the fact that I cant make a decision, but doesn't help me make a decision.
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self.Anxiety
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I have really bad anxiety and I don’t know what to do, I’m 16. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I feel rotten inside I feel like I'm rotten inside, like depression has just eaten me from the inside out. And by the time it's made it's way to the surface and anyone has notices, I'm just empty inside.
People tell me if I put my mind to it that I can fix it. I can beat it. I can get better. But I'm afraid that this disease has taken what is really "me" from me, and that I'm no longer capable of what I once was.
People still see me as I was on the outside, but nothing is left inside
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self.depression
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How much Lorazapam? My doctor gives me Lorazapam to take on flights. I’ve only taken 1mg and it takes the edge off but sometimes doesn’t alleviate the panic. I’m flying next month and the nerves have already started to kick in. Have you ever taken 2mg? What does it feel like? I don’t want to pass out or be a zombie as I have to function to get to my connecting flight.
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self.Anxiety
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Is there ever coming back from life fucking up regrets? I think about ending my life almost every day.
Ill keep this short: Ive been dealing with depression/anxiety/dpdr for about 7 years, medicated for most. Things were getting really bad for late 2016-2017 after learning one of my childhood friends accidently killed himself. I was living with my then girlfriend and it took such toll on the relationship. She was critical of me and not very suited to handle this kind of thing (i dont blame her). It got so bad i was begging her to cut me some slack with all the critisism and one night I was just lying on the floor in a state of pure depression and dissociation barely able to move and she just yelled at me to be better like i had a choice. And to top it off she told me she hadnt enjoyed sex with me in months.
About a month later I was on a trip, month long, for school and a girl was showing me so much attention. Praising me and making me feel like I was worth something. I ended up hooking up with her and thus began the spiral that is my life. I told my girlfriend when i got back from the trip and havent been with her since.
I regret this decision to my core. I wish I could erase myself from history to just take away the pain I caused her with this. I still love her now, but she (understandably) wants nothing to do with me.
I just cant see a path forward. I feel like ive tainted my only chance at life with this fuck up. I want to blame the mental illness or something but I truly know that it is on me. Ive ruined this. Ive ruined my only chance at a decent life just because I felt like I needed the attention of someone at a time when my girlfriend wasnt showing me it. It was selfish and ive traded a possible life of happiness for some fleeting moments.
I wish there was a way to tangibly pay for my sins at this point. Ive cut and burned myself multiple times since then and it just doesnt feel like enough. I just want to pay for it but i know nothing I do can change what has happened.
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self.depression
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Do you find yourself being cynical often? I wanna ask you because for some time now I've been trying to be less cynical and do stuff other people like but I just cannot understand why are they doing all of this? I hate facebook , I hate memes ,I hate internet culture and it annoys me to see people embracing it and not even being able to make a normal conversation just talk about memes on the internet , stupid youtube videos and shows that they binge watch in a day and don't have any valueable opinion on it just saying that they liked it or not . Am I just a cynical cunt ?
PS: By the way I'm posting this qustion here because this stuff is quite a big reason of my lolieness and depression , you know I just can't find anybody to connect with and it's not like I automaticly cross the person off for liking this stuff , I'm trying to get to know them and it turns out that they're just a frankenstein of all the popculture they absorbed and they cannot hold a conversation even for a little while.
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self.depression
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Newly afraid of flying, having trouble working out why and what to do Okay, so I have anxiety about a lot of things. Flying was never one of the bad ones - in fact at the height of my frequent flying I actually enjoyed it. Anyway, there was a terror attack up the road from me not long ago and when I next flew I really struggled with anxiety, but luckily had my bf to distract me. This week I'm catching 3 flights to go visit said bf as he's currently working away. I'm emetophobic, mildly claustrophobic, socially anxious, and have GAD & mild OCD. I'm not even remotely worried about the plane itself, I think I'm kind of afraid of my own anxiety becoming too much while stuck in a confined space and battling my anxiety-nausea? I'm also worried about getting motion sick even though I've never had motion sickness in my life.
Anyway, I've bought ginger root tablets for the nausea my anxiety will inevitably provide me with, as well as mints. I'm planning on starting a light-hearted book the night before to get me through at least one flight. What else can I do to try and keep my anxiety under wraps as the day goes on? Probably worth noting that the longest flight is 2 hours, with 11 total hours travelling including airport time. I'm even worried about the airport time 'cause I know that I'll get worked up waiting for the next plane.
This post is all over the place, sorry. I'd love to hear some tips from people who struggle with fear of flying & learn how you deal with it. I just really want to get back to my flying-loving self sooner rather than later.
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self.Anxiety
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Merry Christmas to you all.. Merry Christmas to you people! Although Christmas and other special events (Birthday, valentines, mom and dad day, etc) doesn't mean anything to me, I wish you all the best <3 I just had another family fight...
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self.depression
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Accidentally told my landlord that i need to be screwed? My landlord came over to fix something and I accidentally said "oh I think I need to be screwed...I mean I think it needs to be screwed." I'm really embarrassed. I'm very awkward and shy and he's like 60. What should I do?
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self.Anxiety
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Support Post I am trying to finish my semester off strong but my anxiety and depression are crippling. My boyfriend keeps reminding me how far I’ve come, but I feel so useless and worthless. I might have to start taking medicine for depression and I’m worried. I just don’t know who I am anymore. So there is no passion/motivation for life let alone school when I feel like I’m just floating through life. This is so hard for me to say coming from a super passionate Latina, who if you asked two years ago could have given a speech in front of thousands of people about her life with confidence. The good and the bad. Now I’ve turned into this negative person with no drive, and if I met me I wouldn’t want to befriend me. I feel like I am such a let down and a shame of what could have been a potential success story. Okay sorry... rant over I am just struggling really hard with exams and feel lost
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self.Anxiety
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Fear of surviving stopping me from kms If there was a 100% effective method of suicide id have done it by now. Even guns to the head theres still like a 10% chance of survival and I won't risk that. Id rather live like shit than be a damn vegetable . Also you'll never know if you actually were successful which is also terrifying
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can deal with mental anxiety traits, but not physical Sorry for throwaway but lots of people know my main acc
Basically title. I've had anxiety for almost as long as I can remember but over the last 1-2 years have really focused on how to manouvre it and maintain normal people function. Used to deal a lot with panic attacks and the anxiety-apathy sort of effect but have gotten better.
But still, I can't get over physical symptoms. Every time before I go to work I have to go to the bathroom and have my nervous pee. I sometimes have to throw up halfway through a night out with friends, often without them noticing there's even any anxiety-related problem. I've done acid recently and mentally had a really good time but still end up throwing up halfway through the trip (whilst perfectly relaxed, over the toilet, having conversation with my mate). I also feel myself get physically tense (stiff arms and head) around some of my friends or people I'm meeting for the first time, while still making (mostly) normal conversation with them.
Has anyone else got a similar experience with anxiety and knows how to alleviate it? It's really messing with things I want to be able to do normally. It feels like my anxiety has left its nest in my head and just taken up residence in my bloodstream lol.
Thanks all
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self.Anxiety
|
I have ADHD, and feel like people assume I'm less intelligent because I struggle with organization, time management etc. I have ADHD. I am in college as a music performance student. I am in honors classes and I tend to make C-'s or B's. I know that I am an intelligent person. However, there are some executive functions that I struggle with such as basic organizational skills, remembering deadlines, spacing out work on a project, and even waking up on time. Due to the smaller population of my school, classes are very small and intimate. This can foster a nice atmosphere of camaraderie and I do not take this for granted, yet there is a downside to attending a smaller school for someone with ADHD, like me. Sometimes I perceive a sentiment in my colleagues at school that implies that they look down on me. For example, I often receive looks of judgement or incredulousness in these common scenarios: when we are passing our homework in and I do not have it, or when I come into class late because I overslept, or when asked about my progress on a project and I admit to not having started it yet. It is during these instances that I want to be able to prove to them that I do deserve to be in these honors classes with them. I can comprehend the information, I can do the work. I just struggle with getting things done. I understand how to manage my time, I understand that it is important to set goals (even if your goals are small at first), I know about the time management square of urgency vs importance. I have had a lot of help with this and yet I still struggle with just doing it. Does anyone have any advice for helping me get things done and making sure I accomplish my daily goals? Thank you, it would be much appreciated.
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self.offmychest
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I think I might give this "life" thing a try On New Years Eve, I was so convinced that I was going to spend it alone. And I was going to end my meaningless life on new year.
I ended up spending it with my boyfriend, who made me realised that I was actually cared for, and loved, and gave me a chance at believing that I would have a future in front of me. Letting someone be the reason for me to live isn't going to be good in the long run, but as for now, it's good enough. I actually want to stick around and see what happens. Maybe it's going to turn out fine, and not as bad as my thoughts were telling me.
He held my face and made me look into his eyes. He whispered that he loves me and didn't want me to leave. He said that he will never ever find anyone else. I don't know why or how, but it was as if he knew what was going through my head. I never told him my plans after all. I felt bad and wanted to cry. He made me promise that I am never going to leave him alone. He knew. He is a precious and beautiful person. I cant bear ever breaking his heart and destroying his life. I've decided that I'm going to try my hardest to commit to having a good life with him. I just don't want to pass my suffering onto anyone. I know what that's like.
Having said that, i'm always scared and anxious that I won't have the strength to fight my demons. I know that he would always be there for me and not let me fight my battles alone. And sometimes I'm scared that he might leave, and I wouldn't know what else to do. I just want to be happy with the person I love. I hope that 2018 allows me to do that.
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self.depression
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thank you all for the help but I should go [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just Got released from the hospital and I'm on medical leave until the 21st, what can I do to take care of myself during this time? I had a psychotic break again and ended up in the hospital, they let me go yesterday and I don't go back to work until next week but I'm worried my symptoms are gonna pop up again if I don't take good enough care of myself. What can I do?
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self.bipolar
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Social Media during the holidays is like an emotional landmine [deleted]
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self.depression
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Just venting **
I need to just let some shit out, I dont really care if anyone reads it or not but I want to vent. I trigger myself all the time so if you are lonely and get triggered maybe its best not to read about why I am anxious and depressed about it.**
Ive been feeling anxious as hell and I dont have anywhere else to turn. I read some of your posts and just felt like typing something up and letting some emotions out. My life has been moving in a decent direction but my social and more so relationship anxiety has been spiraling out of control. Everything starts to blend together and I start to feel hopeless about the future or ever having any meaningful relationship. Im 25, male, not virgin but not experienced by any means.....I have no idea how to even start a relationship or find someone that is interested in talking. I have tried so much in real life and online. I try not to be "desperate" and look for people I could actually see myself getting along with. I still reach out and try to talk to a lot of people but it just feels impossible at times. No matter what I do I am not sure anything will ever really change.
To give some history, when I was younger I had a really rough home life. Ended up moving from Florida to Ohio, to run away from someone crazy and dangerous. I dropped out of high school in the process and had so much social anxiety I could barely stand to leave the house. After literally years of being a herimt I started doing better. I took some college classes, got a job, lost some weight. Things seemed to be going alright at first. I made a few friends that drank way too much while I was working, at a casino. I really did a good job getting over my social anxiety, but still longed for a relationship.
I met a girl I got along with well but ultimately she wasnt interested and I ended up not handling it well. Lost a lot of hope in life, became borderline suicidal and lost those friends in the process. They also showed some other sides that were not very kind. I worked with one of the guys, he was my supervisor. Things were weird. (2 gay guys and 1 girl, guys dated all 3 were roommates)
Well, finally as I was getting over all that I met someone new. Someone different. Someone special. She was so nice to me and everything was amazing. She actually wanted to spend time with me, and I couldn't get enough of her. Being a virgin at this point and 24 I was really interested in what was happening. We cuddled, shared a bed, talked. She said she wasnt ready for sex yet and I was ok with that. She was damaged herself, raped when she was 16 and then went trough some very strange relationship that involved her being something of a sex slave that completed tasks for someone? one of the tasks involved willingly having sex with the person that raped her. She was also at one point engaged to someone in their 50's, we were similar in age both mid 20's. I found her past troubling and I was emotionally overwhelmed by it at first but I overcame that because I decided I really liked her for who she was now and I didnt care about the past.
Well, the thing is all her relationship and sex experience was intimidating to me. I really felt like I needed a label at this point because I started to be unsure what we had. We work together and I didnt have many friends at work. She had a ton, was comfortable hugging everyone and is a massage therapist on the side as well. She was a very touchy person. And I loved touching and cuddling even if there wasnt going to be sex. We shared our pasts and she said she wished she was a virgin and thought it was fine that I was. Cool.
Only I wanted to ask her if we were dating because I dont know how any of this works. In high school I was hiding from everyone else until I dropped out. I then lived at home in a lot of social isolation. I suck at making friends in real life, I have some cool online friends I talk to but thats not the same.
She made a few comments here and there when I tried to get an idea of what we had. Sarcastic joking comments that really hurt, like get with a few other woman then get back to me. And at one point she mentioned something about me "not being man enough" to "step up to the plate." I misread what she meant and did something borderline creepy I guess. She kept telling me how she wanted someone more man, more experienced, willing to step up. She had her past that involved some weird shit. I thought she wanted me to just be more dominant or expressive or something, I felt like I loved her. Well one night during one of these conversations when she was telling me about how she wanted someone to be a man, step up, etc., I thought she wanted me to do something. We worked at the same place, often times we hung out after work. I got it in my head that she wanted me to just be more spontaneous. So one day I tried to think of some plans for us to do after work after we had been texting, I met her by her car as I had before. I tried to plan a fun little night of hitting the gym together and maybe dinner. She had been angry lately so I brought some womens boxing gloves and I was going to try to help her work out some anger. In my head I was being spontaneous and trying to create a fun evening together. Only today, she didnt want me to meet her by her car. I completely made a fool of myself and mis-interpreted whatever message she was trying to get across. Well, now she things im a stalker and im creepy. I completely fucked that up. Long story short, she no longer wants anything with me.
At this point I am completely in love with her but I did not want to be a stalker so I just went and found something else to do. I drank and cried. I quit my job that was paying $20+ an hour without any prior work experience. I really went off the deep end this time. I wanted to go back to school, I used to always want to go to med school when I was younger. I like to learn.
I tried to piece things together and focus on school. At the start of the semester I was feeling confident. I messaged someone on a dating app, this time really just wanting to go for the first thing that came my way. Well, something came my way. She was ready for a first date of "netflix and chill" and seemed keen on something sexual. She ended up being very ready to have some fun. I faked being way more confident than I usually am because this was just sex, this wasn't someone I had deep feelings for. I uhh, took the lead and really just focused on doing what she was in to because I didnt even know what I wanted for myself. Well, she had some daddy issues and really wanted someone else to be more doimant, so I was. I gave her a great night with multiple orgasms, I stayed very... hard... and enthusiastic for hours. We played, rested, played, took a nap, etc. for a good while. I never really got off from the whole thing because I was just trying to perform. And I did, it was a confidence boost at first. But this person was far from a soul mate and we did not see eye to eye on much. It ended up being jsut a one night stand but thats probably for the best.
The rest of the school semester I really tried to be positive. I tried to talk to people. I tried to join groups. I tried to be social doing anything I could. Well, I made some new study friends in my science class. I have gotten over most of my social anxiety. I speak up in classes, I try to talk to people and make friends. Im just not very good at it sometimes. Luckily some of my teachers tried to promote study groups for extra credit. So I took it upon myself to try to make that happen, sure for extra credit but also to meet more people. I ended up in a study group with 2 cute girls.
Well, one of them is in an open marriage and ive received certain photos of her but I dont think I want to just "sleep" with her because she is cool. Id be attached to her. I have no idea what is going on but we are in some of the same classes again next semester and she is interested in.....something? Man I stress over this, because Im lonely and want real people to connect with, but im also kind of horny and inexperienced. I think im ok with whatever happens here but I just have no idea what to expect.
Other girl is chill but has a boyfriend. Shes smart and cool to study with as well, I dont really care that she is seeing someone because Im looking for any friends really.
This is getting incredibly long but I feel ok typing it up even if you dont read it. So now at the end of the semester, I have a 4.0 GPA and my science teachers are already volunteering to be references for me if I try to go to med school. Im in a decent spot financially. I have my own place and a car. Im about to go on vacation for most of this month 7th-27th.
The problem is, it doesnt matter how good anything else goes. I still feel alone. Nothing feels worth going at alone any more. Why should I care about a bright future if im going to be alone in it. And now im having all sorts of anxiety. Mostly just struggling with the social isolation I still feel. When I was home alone and afraid to leave the house that was one thing. Since then I have lost over 100 pounds and changed a fucking lot in my life but I still feel that same social isolation. Im just not sure how much more in my life I can change before giving up. Also on my vacation this month im going to be with my dad's side of the family. They are mostly very wealth and see drinking as a "fine" thing in life and pretty much a right of passage. Its important for me to maintain a good relationship with them all but they are all alcoholics and see drinking as part of life pretty much. Last time I drank I wanted to kill myself. I have scars on my arm from cutting myself. I havnt touched alcohol in months. Not a drop.
What the fuck do I do on this long ass trip. What do I do when I get back. Will I ever meet anyone for something real? Is it to much to ask to just meet a girl and become close friends without sex being important right away?
God im a fucking mess. Thanks for existing, I know you have your own problems. I just needed a reason to type some shit out and think. If you read this and actually reply, thats just a bonus.
**TLDR - I fucking hate being alone all the time. I question everything in life. I just am not sure where my place is. Or if I even want my place if I find it. **
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self.Anxiety
|
I hate myself I hate myself for who I am and what I am. I never do anything right and all I do is the wrong thing. I am the cause to all the arguments in my family. I am the asshole son my mother does not deserve. I am the reason why everyone in my family is so negative.
I don't do it intentionally. I dont mean to do all this. But I do it unknowingly and because of my disability to stop doing these things unknowingly, it's having a giant effect on my family. I am literally making my family hate each other. I am the one who morphed my brother into being the kid he is today and that's not acceptable because he causes fights with my mom like I do.
I am driving my family to the edge of the cliff and I think that soon we are all gonna fall off because of me... I hate myself and I wish I wasn't born... No one needs to give a shit about me because I don't give a shit about myself
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self.offmychest
|
make a chill corner in your room, it really helps out. So my therapist told me I should dedicate a corner of my room as a "chill corner" and do relaxing stuff there. This was my first day trying it out and it cut my anxiety down by 50% for the rest of the day. Get a chest (preferably with a flat service), slap it in a free corner of your room, toss a sit pillow and relaxing posters in the corner for good measure, and just spend 15 minutes doing a relaxing thing. The stuff I have in mine is a bit pricey but you there's probably cheaper things too.
[Zen Garden] (http://a.co/8qAKtXF)
[Buddha Board] (http://a.co/dXfxxJ2)
[Chinese Boading Balls] (http://a.co/1PFpUTg)
Coloring Book and Crayons (Here's something cheap!)
Gratitude Journal
Photos of good memories (try to make them recent as possible to avoid time anxiety)
*You can also try:*
Salt Lamp
Those cool sprinkling fountains
Goo, I heard you can make this one at home.
Fingerboard.
&nbsp;
Hope this helps someone out! Tell me if there's anything else I should add.
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self.Anxiety
|
Kava drops Hello everyone I have found that useing kava has helped my anxiety a lot I drink a cup of kava tea on days I'm randomly anxious or stressed and it's like it just disappears anyway I was wondering about kava drops is there anywhere that sells 74 mg kava drops the extract I bought was 700 I only use 74 and I don't want to exceed what I need
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self.Anxiety
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I don't want to die, I'm just tired of living. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
What are some of the physical symptoms of your anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Funny how all the ‘respect yourself’ relationship advice only seems to focus on girls [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
First post A while back my teacher suggested me a therapist cuz she thought I had depression and said that while saying "it takes someone with it to notice it in someone elae." I denied that statement. A year has passed and after being caught shoplifting things got a little more gloomy for me. My teacher may have foreshadowed it a year ago and I think if I make more mistakes like that and become more gloomy I'll start consider my self being depressed. Any ways what I'm trying to say is, when did you notice things have become different in a gloomy war during your life and how've has it been since then?
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self.depression
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Does anyone else think all of the embarrassing/bad things you’ve done will one day be found out? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Applying for Social Security Disability? I've suffered from depression since I was a 18, and now, 8 years later, my depression has become so debilitating that I can't do much, let alone hold a job. Even if I could hold a job, I'm almost sure I cannot find one due to chronic unemployment. My bf recently left me and I found out that my nursing school admissions was rescinded. The breakup in particular has devestated me, and I'm seeking treatment at a local hospital.
I've applied for SSDI in the past but was denied because I suppose they did not think that my condition was very severe. I also hold a bachelor's degree, further hurting my chances of receiving disability. I simply cannot work right now. My depression is so severe that it is difficult to think (brain fog), let alone concentrate. Has anyone tried applying for SSDI or have any tips as to how I can improve my chances of receiving benefits? I hope that this is only a temporary set back and that within a year, I can find the strength to return to school.
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self.depression
|
The little stuff I recently got a job working at petsmart, training as cashier and pet care. My first job was at a grocery store called food lion.
When I'm on the register, after I finish ringing the customers up, I usually say "thank you for shopping at petsmart!". However, this time, I accidentally blurted out :thank you for shopping at food lion!!" Then immediately cringed. I wasn't sure if they heard me or not. Then, I laughed. I fucked up and royally confused these customers. But it was so funny.
Sometimes when little stuff happens like this, you just gotta laugh. I'm happy that I was able to brush it off instead of ruminating over it.
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self.Anxiety
|
Do any of you have a close connection with someone else Assuming they love you back. Why are you depressed then?
I always feel like if someone loved me my depression would be so much less terrible. Or maybe it's my depression telling me that.
I have a decent number of friends. I just.. don't feel anything for anyone. I don't feel a connection with anyone.
I just feel so lonely all of the damn time. I feel so empty all the time unless I'm preoccupied with something else.
Maybe it's because I'm not comfortable around.. anyone. I feel like if I make one mistake they instantly start to hate me and start looking for people to replace me with. I wish I was comfortable around people. I wish I could be myself without fear of everyone leaving me. I just hate being alone.
I hate that ive been wasting my time on someone who doesn't even want me in their future.
I hate feeling like everyone is being insincere with me literally all of the time. I hate feeling fine for a while and then just every so once in a while feeling like I'd make everyone else's life better if I just liked myself.
I just want to be happy. More than anything. Why is it so fucking hard. What the fuck is wrong with me. It's so painful.
No one actually cares about me. I could kill myself right now and people would only be upset because I'm not there to buy them shit, or because I ruined their idea of what a family should be like,
Im constantly disappointing people without even trying to. I wish someone would just be proud of me for.. something. But no. I'm just a stupid piece of shit who's not good at anything.
There's always someone better than me. I'm never good enough for anyone. It'd be one thing if I wasn't trying but I am, and that makes me feel so much more pathetic.
If I'm going to continue to feel this pain I just want to end it. All I want is love. Acceptance. That's all I ever fucking wanted. Everyone else gets it except for me. I'm just a sidepiece in everyone's life. I'm insignificant to everyone. No one would care. No one would miss me.
I hate myself.
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self.depression
|
I'm just too tired This week has just been disgusting.
I lost my spark of my love of studying, letting my grades slip and fall into nothing.
I just got fired because I needed too much help. I'm just a burden to them and to myself. I don't want to spend another year looking for jobs and keep reading rejection letters. I'm too tired I just want to lay in my bed and have time stop so that I don't have to worry anymore. I'm sick and tired of my depression and my anxiety ripping apart everything I enjoy.
I'm just so tired.
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self.offmychest
|
New Year! Yup. Everyone is out getting drunk and being reckless (like every other 19 year old). Here I am in a empty parking garage eating McDonald's because my parents forgot to save me some dinner. I hate my life.
|
self.depression
|
How on earth do people get through university/college with depression? I haven’t felt this bad in my entire life, having to get out of bed and go to class all week is just absolutely impossible. And then I get even more depressed because I’m missing class and falling behind, so then I get stressed out so much I have a breakdown and have to stay in bed and miss even more class. Jesus guys it’s just an endless cycle and with three assignments due at the end of this month I just have no idea how I’m going to make it through university at all without completely fucking my entire life up and wasting so much money.
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self.depression
|
The knife I keep thinking of my matting knife I use for art framing. I want to hurt and I want to bleed. I’m in bed holding on to my cat for dear sanity and I haven’t cut in 8 years but I want to.
|
self.depression
|
The more I try to get better, the worse I feel, but when I just stop trying to get better, I do better [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
people keep asking me how college is but I hate it [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
When high functioning turns to low functioning. It really sucks. I can barely do anything. I sleep for so long that I have to pull all nighters just to go to school, which I only do 1-3 days a week now. I don't eat until someone tells me to and when I start eating I can't stop. I'm failing almost every course because I just can't bother actually doing anything. Psychology is my favourite subject, last semester I got an A on the course, but this semester I just ... can't bother. I can barely play videogames, I just watch others do it.
The only thing I really want to do right now is sleep, watch YouTube, eat junk food and draw. But I'm 18 now and I need to pay attention to my education, and I'll have to get a job soon but I just... don't care.
Winter is rough.
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self.depression
|
On strike My SO has been informed. I'm on strike.
I have been doing all the housework, all of the planning, all of the to do-listing... I swear sometimes I think he's a Disney princess: he gets up and expects the birds to iron his shirts and the mice to clean the house.
No longer wil I be the sole project manager of this household. And fuck 'you should have asked'. I have asked, multiple times, and have gotten the wonderful reaction: 'you can be really bossy you know'. Nope.
In the next 24h I foresee:
* the house running out of food
* him frantically searching clean clothes
* him asking why the cleaning lady hasn't been paid
* why haven't I bought his sister a gift
* why the shower isn't fixed
I just settled in with a book and a nice glass of wine. Let the games begin!
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self.offmychest
|
I have a crush on a coworker and I can't do anything about it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Hello... Hi so anyone care to chat? I mean I know it’s no suicide hotline but um sometimes talking to a genuine person and not someone in a script is nice sometimes. I’ve reached out to a few people here before but i don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you to chat so just PM me if you wanna talk
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self.SuicideWatch
|
The Grinch is my best friend right now. The level of loneliness I have now can't be avoided with traditional intimacy.
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self.depression
|
i told my psychiatrist i wasnt having suicidal thoughts- i lied [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I’m getting Anxiety that my anxiety isn’t “valid”. That I screwed up too much, so every time I see something that says something like “everything will be okay”, I think they aren’t talking to me because I screwed up too much and I’m not normal. They’re talking to people who have “normal” problems [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Ppl in this town are ganging up on a young girl bc she was found cutting herself. A young girl in Wabash,IN was found to be cutting herself with thoughts of suicide. Instead of helping her, the parents of the other kids are saying she's teaching their kid how to hurt themselves and now the town is shunning the girl and parents are trying to get her removed from school bc she's "a threat to their kids".
The girl's mother is all over facebook trying to defend and raise awareness, but it's not going well.
This is not how you treat ppl with depression.. I want to do something for this poor family and girl, but I dunno how. I'd love to publicize the attackers, and post what theyre doing on facebook, so attention gets brought to them so they see their errors, but it'd just lead to witch hunting, or worse, and I don't want anyone to hurt. Even the few friends she had were forced to quit hanging out with her.
I just don't know much about depression or trying to change the minds of the horrible ppl in the town attacking the girl :(
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self.depression
|
Oh... Fuck it Some of you may know... I'm psychotic, depressed, anxious and fat all at the same time.
Now... I'm having a bad fucking day.
So I'm here to vent a bit. It might sound funny to you... and that's fine. I would love nothing more than to make someone's shitty sad face turn into a smile... even for a second.
Today started like every other day... I woke up. Now I got a book yesterday called altered carbon. I had plans today... to read it. Well I've read fucking none of it. I've spent all day THINKING about reading it.. but actually reading it? I just go.... nahh... fuck that.
I've been for a shit today and I've put some clothes away. Normally when I go do bullshit tasks like clothes and loading up the dishwasher and emptying it for the millionth time... I listen to some music and usually things go alright. This time I just didn't. So that made everything worse.
When I went for a shit I got even more upset because... I'm so fat now that when I look down to admire my flacid 5 inches of my dick... Well I couldn't see the fucking thing unless I held a mirror there. I tried holding in all my fattiness to sort of push it out the way and I only managed to see the tip of my penis.
Now I don't wanna have a shower that I desperately need because I don't wanna look down and NOT be able to see my dick! Plus there's always that shitty feeling after a shower. You think it will make you feel better and you get out and dry yourself and sit down and all of a sudden..... "hmmmm... I felt better before the shower"
Then I spent some time googling quick and easy ways to kill myself and all I get is articles with people responding with things like... "I'm worried about you... please go get help"... no.. don't tell me that. I came here to find out how to die fast using a fork and bleach. I just want one simple answer... not a wall of text trying to make the original poster feel better. That ain't helping me!!!!
So I decided to come here and tell you about my crappy day. Also the weather outside is damp and 100% cloud covered. I can't see the fucking Sun or the blue sky which is pretty much the last nice thing to look at on this crappy planet and society of ours.
I just wish I could beat my mental illness and get off all the fucking meds and go back to drinking cider all day. Only then... I might be able to tolerate that awful fucking cloudy grey British sky.
Who knows.. maybe I am ready to get off the meds. Maybe I'm ready to live again. But every time I try taper off meds by day 3 I am FUCKED. So fucked that I overdose on all that I missed and fall asleep for about 18 hours and wake up not remembering anything.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My Brother's Suicide It has been a week since my brother hanged himself in the bathroom. He was 27.
It was so unexpected that it still hasnt registered in our heads that he is gone.
Now, being overwhelmed with all this grief, denial and despair, the only way I can start coming to terms with his death is to piece together his last thoughts, actions, reasoning.
Two month prior he had consulted with psychologists and a psychiatrist. He got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was prescribed medications.
We were close, but for the past two years we have been living in two different countries and at times we didnt talk for quite some time. Since he was living with my mom I always got updates from her though. From what I can understand is he had periods of uplifted moods in the morning which would usually end by the afternoon and get replaced with his regular contemplative mood.
He has been complaining about being depressed in the past but it was hard to take seriously at times since he wasnt acting particularly depressed. The only time when his depression got relatively serious (from outsider's perspective) was when his girlfriend broke up with him three month ago. Furthermore based on the past experiences, his depression always coincided with times when things didnt go his way and his mood always improved when his life circumstances got better. So it was never a pressing issue.
In the past four years he had been seeking out weed and prescription medicine. He didnt abuse any substances, however I did find extensive ecstasy related searches in his browser history. Apart from smoking weed here and then, he lead a seemingly normal, functional life.
The day he died he showed no signs of distress.
He made plans that day and for the coming weeks, months.
His current girlfriend was working double shifts in order for them to take the past week off to celebrate her birthday.
He was in the process of getting employed.
Can you please help me understand what goes inside a persons brain with bipolar disorder?
What would would it take someone to take one's life? How does it work? Have we blatantly ignored his cry for help?
I have been reading a lot about this condition and I just cant understand how he was affected by it.
Thank you.
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self.bipolar
|
My experience Last year was my first year at my local college on a IT course
I struggled making friends as for everyone already had their groups of friends it took me about 4 months of classes of being by myself apart from breaks and lunches where some school friends who were on a lower level course would be around 3 out of the 4 days I was there.
Once I became friends with 3 people from my class it was good I kinda felt lifted up cause we would have good jokes and take the piss out of each other like friends do but knew where a limit was
Apart from one they were transgender m2f which I didn't have a problem with obviously until they people didn't exactly make correct statements or ask sensation questions and how did they deal with it
By slowly attacking me.
They would constantly make refrences about my weight considering I was the larger one out of the group as well as the fact I'm still a virgin which I was always open about it.
I found myself in a downward spiral that defently affected me in more ways than one and still does defently not as bad as it had but I still have small break downs now and then when I'm alone.
At one point I even held a knife to my wrist and really considered just ending it there and then but talked my self out of it saying I'm not letting them win that was a big turning point for me as for I tried cutting them out completely which was a struggle considering we had same group of friends and we were in the same class I ended up blanking them out completely either by not listening to them or putting my head phones in. I found that depending on how I was feeling there were diffrent types of music helped deal with how bad I was or helped keep me in a stable mind
My other friends knew we had a hidden feud going on that wasn't going away anytime soon. I found my self with no one I could talk to in fear they would tell others including the person who had made me that way or that others would see me as a weak target and would encourage more to attack me
Luckily I found an app that allowed me to be anonymous and talk to others who would listen
And others who were just there for other perverted reasons but it also allowed me to listen to others and see how they delt with it.
Now I'm doing my second year with one more after this one I have a diffrent group of friends who are diffrent but that's not a problem and all respect each other I don't have to worry about going in and being attacked for being me.
But I still think alot about some of the stuff they said now I hide nearly everything that's going on inside of my head to my self as well as where a jacket to make myself look better than I am (not a problem considering its getting colder now)
Just last week I had a small panic attack in fear of rejection not from relationships but from a job interview or from others around me (the interview went well 😊 )
I hate the fact that I let one person get into my head for nearly a year now and make me feel like shit, shit enough to nearly actually kill myself I always saw my self as a mentally strong person but obviously not as strong as I thought I was 😔
I know this is a lengthy post but I needed to get it off my chest and it feels good to come to the relization of the cause of my problem
I defently am in a better state of mind now and hopefully can maintain it and hope that I can try to help and give advice to others who have experienced similar mental abuse as well as achieve the highest level in my course
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self.depression
|
stress is hell and my last 1.5 years have been all sorts of stress The last 1.5 years were hard, but I don't seem to seek a easier and less stressed out future.
thrombosis
Last Summer, at the end of august, to be exact, I came back from a road trip with friends.
We went to Belgium, visited the Atomium and came back a day earlier than planned.
When entering my home I was not too irritated that my mother wasn't there.
As on many weekends she went to her SO, thus I expected her to be home until evening.
After few minutes I recieved a phone call by my mothers SO, that she drove to the hospital few hours earlier, because of her legs.
Three weeks prior her legs began to thicken, so she went to our doctor who gave her some meds.
As another doctor later explained, they didn't work as intended so her *thrombosis* worsend.
During the phone call, my mothers SO and I decided that we wanted to visit her in the afternoon.
When we arrived at the station, where my mother was supposed to be, we were told that she was not there, but got moved to intensive care unit.
The doctor there explained to us, that she had a *lung embolism*, and almost died/suffocated while going to the bathroom.
Luckily they did not have to revive her and she already was awake, so we could see her. She ineed was alive and happy to see us.
In the following weeks she stayed at the hospital and I visited her a few times.
I did not know why she had to stay so long, but she seemed happy and more able to move and load her legs every time I visited her, so I was confident.
One day, after about 3.5 weeks in hospital, I recieved a brochure at home, adressed to her. "Comprehensive Cancer Center - *lung cancer*"
The day after she got her first chemotherapy; two days after that I visited her. She was way more lively than the day before on the phone, and I was glad.
I showed her two books I recieved the day before "21 Draw" and a character drawin book, and we looked through them together. It was a very nice evening.
One day after that, in the afternoon, I got a call from the neurosurgical unit of the hospital. A clot of blood cloged her brains left vein.
The stroke unit had a smell I will not be able to forget. Biting and taking one out. She almost seemed dead.
She breathed, but she did hardly recognize me. When I took her hand, she was not cold, but she also did not react.
From the *stroke* on she was paralysed on her right side. In addition she was no more able to talk.
In the following *odyssey*, from september to january, I had to address many issues.
In the beginning, doctors asked me if they are allowed to bash her skull open when pressure rises too high.
Later in rehab, 55km from home, I visited her once a week, seeing her in various states of helplessness and despair.
Once she laid there, naked, in her own feces; once she cried in pain, but the carers had an 'uninteruptable' meeting; many times she weeped and wanted to go (away and home).
Out of that house of horror, she came to a nursing home, where, for a few days, she was happier. But she still was frustrated.
One day she had been found in a stairwell with her wheelchair. I still think that she did not want to kill her self, but they said she had to go into a psychiatric hospital.
After 'just' two weeks there they indeed assessed, that they could not work with and do much for her. So finally after many improper shelters, she got put into a *palliative care* unit.
There, her mood truely improved. They could not keep her there for ever, but they got her back on track, which she could ride on in a better nursing home.
Luckily her cancer had been contained by the one treatment she had gotten, so things indeed took a *turn for the better*.
In april she still could not talk and communicating by means of pointing and gestureing was hard, because of her lose patience, but we realized that she could understand us well.
In fact she could also read slowly and had memories of many people and things, when we showed her pictures. When I told her that a friend, from when I was little, had I baby she smiled and tried to clap happily.
It was really nice, though living with these constraints was hard and life was not like before.
Before she worked 45 hours a week, came home, cooked, and sewed, painted and was incredibly lively. Now she was in general, in a good mood, but she could not do much.
On the 23. of june I slept at a friends home, because I wanted to go climbing before the exam-period started. At 9am I recieved a call from the place my mother lived at.
They said that she did not sleep much and sat in her bed. They said, that the doctor would be there later and her parents had been informed too.
I decided to go climbing and visit her in the evening, before going home.
At 2pm I got 4 missed calls by my father, 1 missed call by my grandfather. While driving home I did not know that she was dead, but my father met me, when I arrived at home.
Her parents were with her when she passed away.
I arranged her funeral with her dad. Everybody commended me, that I got it exactly right, captured the final goodbye just like she would have wanted it.
Since then I cried a few times, but not very often. I am thankful, that I had that last evening speaking with her before she had her stroke.
I am thankful, that she had a few happy last weeks, and most importantly I am so incredibly glad that her suffering ended, that she does not have to bear the feeling of being a burden to her father, to her ex-husband/my father and to me.
******
During that whole time I had three things grinding me up: the medical/psychological state of my mother, my study of computer science and the intense burden of managing, filling out and responding to letters, forms and requests by officials.
As a result I feel like I have lost track a bit. It does not feel like I suffer major depression - I have never in the last two years thought about harming myself - but I feel like I no longer have a goal.
When I was younger I settled for "making other people happy", but today this does not suffice anymore. Essentially I wrestle with the great question of "why do I live?" and "what is the meaning of life?", which are probably very common questions after a time like I described, but never the less I struggle.
5 semesters back, when I started studying at Uni, I was incredibly motivated, have been interested in every topic and took all first semester exams with an A. Now I struggle to choose a chair/topic for my bachelor thesis, because all of them seem uninteresting and unattractive, each in their own way.
I had minor problems with waking up since grade 7, but nowadays it is rare to see me out of the house before 11, and if sleep longer than that, the whole day wanders right into productivity-trash.
******
In addition to all of that, I got closer with my ex-girlfriend from 3 years back.
Back then I knew, that she was ... lets say volatile? Her previous relationships all were not very long. But going in I said I will try to have fun, as long as it may last.
Half a year later we broke up. She met someone, with whoom she was the following almost 2.5 years up until this august.
Of course I was sad, when we broke up, bu I never was angry at or disappointed in her, because I knew what I was in for from the beginning.
Back then I tried to move on, but somehow did not burn all ships. We stayed friends, I became friends with her boyfriend and all was nice.
At the end of last september I helped her fix her computer, as I helped her build it in the first place.
Sitting there together we found, that we both felt like old friends who sat togehter and understood each other - being on the same wavelengh.
She told me how the breakup went, that over the last weeks she had a fwb over, which was incredibly exciting for her, and she told me that she wanted no relationship in the near future, to be able to live a more free life, to be spontaneous.
Few days later she confessed that she had never stoped thinking about me, that I was good for her, one of the few poeople who unterstands her even if she does not, that it was terrible of her to throw all that away.
After some hours of talking and two days of thinking-time, we were finally back together in a relationship.
Her mother was overjoyed as she favored me sice the first time we met.
But the joy did not last long. After just 8 days we broke up again. We talked more long conversations, and she said, that she acted too much on her emotion. Headwise she still wants to be single for the forseeable future.
Once again I am not incredibly sad or angry. I favor her saying it within the first wee, than carrying it 2 months until I dropped all defenses. But I am sorry. I am sorry for her, for I have the strong feeling that she will truly regret this.
I for my part am done with her as a potential partner. I will happily try it one, I will cauciously try it twice, but I will not try it thrice.
If, in 10 years time, I still had no other girlfriend and if I knew from trustworthy sources, that she meant it, I may try being more than acquaintances.
Therefore I really, really hope for her, that she finds happieness with whatever she is doing, but I doubt it.
I for my part am now once again back to the single market, which I neither understand, nor do I want to needily search bars or dating-apps; on the other hand that better part of a week showed me, that I truly need someone to hold close at night, someone who withholds me from loading too much stress onto myself through (studying for 2 degrees, working and being active in the students-union), someone to talk to for way too long.
Maybe through talking I will find my way back on track.
******
*thanks for reading my wall of text! You are (most probably) a great human being!*
tl;dr: health, relationships, study and work
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self.offmychest
|
Lexapro and Tapering Was going through a harder time then normal so I figured I'd go to the doctor because my anxiety was getting out of control, was prescribed lexapro as you can probably imagine.
I knew of the side effects and "dangers" of taking them, but it did nothing for my anxiety, as the only real effects I was feeling was happier (probably because it's an SSRI) and a very low sex drive.
Took it for about 2-3 months as I know sometimes your body takes time to get used to it, and all that. But now I'm tapering off of it as it's completely pointless if it was for anxiety, and is doing nothing for it.
Was on a 15mg a day dose. Dropped to 10mg about 4 days ago, and the withdrawals are pretty bad honestly.
Feeling depressed, hopeless, irritable, get angry/upset over essentially nothing, mood swings from feeling like death, to happy, feeling tired and exhausted... not pleasant stuff.
Also I wouldn't listen to doctors that say **NO WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS** because that's bs.
Also find it incredibly odd that instead of, you know, doctors checking your hormones or trying to figure out why you may be depressed/anxious, they just throw pills at you like it's candy.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Will I ever be happy ever? What is happiness?
Will I ever have it?
Why do things that others do easily (romance, work, family) trigger me to the point of wishing to die? Why can't I value self-preservation like other mammals? Why can't I just be dead already? *cries*
|
self.bipolar
|
How are school presentations fair for people with social anxiety? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I have a big problem, please someone reply to this I'm always sleepy. I'm always asleep when im at home. This is why i always try to be outside and I'm a workaholic. when i'm outside or at work i'm always energetic, or at least i feel like i have purpose. but when i'm at home, and i currently live with my parents who are mentally toxic and abusive to me, i feel like i always need to sleep all the time. my depressive mom has this same problem, everyday she's always sleeping or in bed. for me, it's so hard to fight the urge not to sleep on my bed and browse my phone with mindless social media and reddit and sit down on a chair and go on my laptop.
its annoying, because I want to work on moving out of here, it's been my goal since the beginning. to move out of here and have my own place that is nice and clean, since my parents are kind of hoarders and my room is impossible to clean it seems since shit keeps piling up. but i have absolutely no motivation to search for apartments, because i think everything wont work out and it'll be a huge waste of time. i have no enjoyment for anything, i can't even watch any shows ive been wanting to watch, i can't even play videogames without getting bored, i can't make art, i can't make music, i can't do anything because i have an intense apathy and boredom from everything and all i want to do is sleep. I have this constant feeling in my eyes and in my head, that I feel sleepy and i need to rest on my bed. i can't concentrate when i'm sitting down.
i can't take it anymore. i want to get better. even when i was away for college, i would sleep all day long, and somehow i would manage to complete all my assignments and art work and get good grades. when i'm outside it's no problem, i work so many double shifts at work (i'm a food server) and i have excellent service and i'm a hard worker. but once i'm at home, it's back to me struggling not to go lye in bed and sleep.
I don't want to go on medication, mostly because i cant afford it. i'm still under my parents insurance, so i can't even access therapy. I don't want to go on medication because even my mom who is prescribed a lot of depression and anxiety medication still sleeps all day. i don't think it helps. I'm a big believer in changing the way I think and lifestyle changes over medication. I just don't know what i can do. and I cant take this anymore, because i really want to get things done. I really want to do daily tasks such as shower, eat, do laundry, clean my heavily hoarded room without feeling complete exhaustion afterwards. I really want to get through with this apartment searching, but i'm scared at the same time since I only started building credit this year, and new york city is so expensive to live in. but i think living with my abusive parents and their negative environment really might be the cause of this..I don't know what to do, and i'm sick and tired of this problem i've been dealing with for so many years.
|
self.depression
|
I just got suspended for calling someone a snitch and accidentally bumping into him wtf an asshole bought 2 pot brownies from my friend and ate them he then went up to the office and told them everything, two days later I went up to him after school and called him a snitch and when I was walking away he moved and I bumped into him I was suspended the next day. complete bullshit
I don't give a damn what you people think I was caught in the moment and pissed off I'm a good person so if you don't have something even half decent to say gtfo or at least be respectful with the crap that spews from you I tried to be respectful but no
|
self.offmychest
|
So I got my annual work appraisal. I got my annual appraisal the other day. My boss said I was basically underperforming in all categories and not even doing the basic aspects of my job. So he took my annual pay increase away. It's been a rough year. And I know I wasn't great. But I didn't think I was that bad. He didn't stand up for me. Didn't defend me. He threw me under the boss and said fuck you. Worst part, he used to be my friend. I've known him for 13 years. I was in the military with him. He used to be my friend and used to be there for some of the worst parts in my life. He was there when I wanted to kill myself with how bad the military treated me. And for once in my life I'm lost. For once I feel absolutely truly alone. It feels he decided to not only not stand up for me but throw everything away. It's been a rough year and I've struggled a lot. But I made it to this year. And now, I can't be for certain I'm going to make next year. I'm just fed up with everything. I'm fed up of myself. I know I'm the one to blame. I know I caused all of this. I know I'm too incompetent to do anything. I work for the government as IT, and everyone in the industry already told me that government IT workers are too incompetent for the industry. So I'm the worst of the worst. The biggest fuckup who's managed to fuckup everything in life. And I'm just so god damn tired of it. I'm tired of being the fuckup. I just can't take it anymore. And I don't expect anyone to read through this mountain of text. It's mostly a rant for me. Nobody in my life ever had faith in me. Nobody's ever stuck through things and stayed around. Everyone gets annoyed and leaves me and I probably lost all of you too halfway through the paragraph. Good bye.
|
self.depression
|
What would you guys do in this situation? So in my first period the teacher assigned people in groups of two for some stupid ass activity. Anyways she assigned me with this kid. So anyways i was writing the dumb shit we were supposed to write and he just wrote on his paper “I am very depressed and...” he put the paper back down so I couldn’t read the rest. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. One time we did this project and on the front of his he put “I am very depressed”. What should i do? I’m very depressed and want to die too but I’ve hidden that pretty well (it helps that at school i am not that depressed). Should i talk to him? I don’t know him at all, he and his friend group are not even remotely close to the kids i talk to, i think he mentioned his age once and he’s a couple years older than me (we’re in high school), he and his friends are honestly annoying at lunch (they sit at our table but we never talk to each other), what would you guys do?
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self.depression
|
Physical symptoms, thinking about starting lexapro Ok so i was prescribed lexapro a couple months ago. I took it for 5 days and then convinced my self I can get over my anxiety with out medication. My doctor told me I could stop but she really wish I would give it more time. The side effects weren’t too bad. Just more anxiety for a couple days. So now I’m off everything and having really bad chest pains and anxiety again. I’ve been to the Er multiple times and supposedly it’s just anxiety. So my question is... is there anyone who started lexapro and it actually got rid of all your physical symptoms from anxiety? My main thing is physical symptoms. Which lead to thoughts of death.
|
self.Anxiety
|
So I wrote a list of all the people who've told me in the past that I can talk to them when I'm feeling bad. But I crossed out every name as not being able to talk to them anymore. I've never been this alone in my life.
|
self.depression
|
"if you keep on pushing people away and keep on doing this and that you will end up being alone" [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
friend thinks our friendship is one sided, but i really just have trouble talking to people in general... hello everyone, this might be a long post about something really stupid but please bear with me. i have this issue with my friend where she thinks that im ignoring her on purpose and that our friendship is one sided. we've known each other for 3+ years (since my last years in highschool) so i kind of find this really unsettling...
thing is that i just have trouble keeping up with conversations with anyone online, especially if its not something about video games or homework (w/c is pretty much the only reason i go online nowadays). we dont see each other anymore since the university she attends to is different from mine
i kind of appreciate the fact that she still tries to contact me, but i find it difficult to return the favor. i always take too long to reply because i'd always overthink what i should reply with, so sometimes i just end up seeing her messages without replying to them, or giving her short replies. sometimes we wouldnt even chat for days, and its always her who starts the conversations. ive never really thought about it tbh, but today she said that she thinks that she's being a bother to me which is not true at all
im starting to think that what she said about this one sided thing is true after all without me realizing it
i feel like im the worst right now. im making someone feel bad even though its not their fault and its making me really guilty...
i want to explain how things are for me to her, but i dont want to look like im just making up some random weird excuse.
thats it from me, and thank you for reading.
|
self.depression
|
Hypomanic for a day? I’ve previously been diagnosed as bp2 and then later with “mood disorder unspecified” I felt so high and speedy and wonderful yesterday to feeling irritable, lethargic and discontent today. I drank caffeine and felt more stable later in the day. Could my mood be swinging that fast? What exactly are mixed states? I just don’t know what to expect tomorrow...
|
self.bipolar
|
Music: The Time Machine to my depressed teenage self. Presently I'm under a rather potent depressive episode, and in order to "roll with the punches," I started playing music that I listened to when I was dealing with depression in my teens. While it's not as frequent now, I still do experience episodes that vary in strength from time to time.
That said, it's interesting with just how in touch with my past self I feel. Crying as I am now, is like crying with a side of myself that I thought had long since vanished with age. The past year has shown me that I could not have been more wrong.
Sorry that I didn't live up to your expectations, young gettingmyenergyback. You'll find out that problems don't always just vanish with age.
|
self.depression
|
My life has just destroyed everything I once was Before Reading this I know this is a lot but I would really appricate anyones help right now.
Let’s say I’ve tried writing about this a lot of time but Ive usually failed or I deleted the file because I wasn’t happy with it. I’m here to tell whoever is listening my story. You can hold your own opinion over this because I’ve gotten to the point of life where Id really do anything for a better tomorrow. I’ve dug my own holes repeatedly and I’ve let people do whatever they would please with me and it tears me apart to not see me happy anymore…
I can’t get a hold of my life and my life’s just become one disaster train.
A cold feeling, I receive all the time reminds me of everything, some days when things seem like absolute hell I go into a mode of thinking which brought me here in the first place.
I just want to speak about the Sheldon I once had a while ago, probably around half a year ago where everything started to get worse. A lot of it is myself to blame because I was such a nice and caring person like I always have been. This person drove me into the complete shit in my life, feeling completely controlled and no longer belonging in my own body. Most people would straight away think of a girl breaking my heart or something to do with a girl, well fuck I wish it was this right now. I am a complete straight guy, but yeah, I let a fucking gay guy totally running my life and you know what’s even better? If I end our friendship well lead to me finally being happy and me ruining a lot of his life probably. Something I’m not exactly proud of is he feel in love with me but obviously I didn’t because I’ve never had any sexual feelings towards him.
Let’s start where all of this began, 3 years ago we meet each other and become good friends over the course of 1 and half years. Its quite hard for me to think of the good now after all this shit but yeah a while back we were quite good friends… This was also mainly due to my school issues at the end the time and he was the person there for me at that time which was great at the time. Back at that time I didn’t know he had any sexual feelings towards me, but now I purely see why he did what he did for so long is because of his fucked-up feelings towards me. Around the end of that point he eventually told me he was bisexual, but I didn’t see a problem with it because my best friend in Austria has been gay and we still to the day are amazing friends, obviously he had never shown any sexual feelings towards me. But our candidate who caused us all this pain was a little older than our Austrian gay friend Iman. So, for the next half a year, an era I call the 2nd Phase of Terror, which ran between 1.5 to 2 years after meeting him.
Phase 2 now when I look at it was okay, I mean occasionally I didn’t enjoy the tension or friction we had. It was a phase I probably was the nicest and most interested in him in terms of being friends but also a time where I only realized afterwards the harm I was causing to me and him. This was the time which caused things to get as bad as now… Nowadays this time often gets referenced by him to see how things used to be good and how I am changing basically playing emotional warfare with me. I mean I probably really did enjoy this time a lot as he filled the void of me never having a best friend or someone who truly enjoyed spending time. I mean I had no girlfriend at the time and was lonely, so I just had some fun and he taught me growing up in a way.
Now let’s get to the Third Phase and my current phase of this pile of shit. I can quite clearly identify the start of this era through me Captaining a good team of his. I was a pretty inexperienced player at the time and saw this thrill of power as a huge opportunity. Well one straight problem was him becoming my Owner at that moment and the power he held above me in that case. I had a lot of responsibility’s and I was still a kid at the time, so I made a lot of errors because It was like being thrown into a working environment at a high school age, which demolished my nice person, as I just took everything and blamed myself. I know there was a lot of things he took for me to protect me, but he feared losing me if I leave. I asked plenty of times to step down but there was nobody in my team who could fill my shoes, but I also think he feared losing me as Id become less involved with him. As the year carried I went through a whole 2 months relationship that I hide from him because he hated Indian girls and since I was dating her, he didn’t like that I was touching something “Indian”. This was mostly easy to hide as I could just lie about something and it was still in a time where he didn’t control my whole life. Throughout the year he caught me lying and this made him even more paranoid regarding his say in my life. In that year June and July came around exams came around and my marks went into the complete shits. I had just gotten together with my crush/my best friend. She was about the only thing keeping me happy throughout my tough times. The Reason my marks went into the shits in June was mainly due to the anxiety I had built up through this clan, as I constantly got shit on for doing something wrong and this also caused a lot of stress. I would basically go offline and tell people Id study but, I just avoided people. I did try to study more but somehow my brain wasn’t with my body no longer. I had at that time lost my happiness and I didn’t know to regain it but get rid of this one person causing it in my life. This also marks the point in time when everything started to get worse. I started to get more anxious and stressed about the clan and pressure mounted on me as our team was doing very well. I also had to start investing more time into the Clan and started to get scared of going out else I might be shit on by him even more, as it was probably happening weekly now. His implementation of the bedtime during the week also started to hurt me inside more and more as I felt like I was living the same day repeatedly. I started to feel like a criminal on social media as everything I posted or did would have an impact on him maybe getting angry at me as he had in the past for saying if I can doo that with someone else why not with him. He slowly started implementing things from his life onto me where he had past experiences, like don’t drink or go out to club: This came in many regards of my life, I started to feel I need an approval stamp about everything from him now and slowly I had to tell him more and more where I was or what I was doing, as he slowly started to turn into a complete control freak.
Now comes a part where things started getting worse in my relationship, with me fearing going out I hardly ever saw Taryn (my girlfriend). I really wanted to as she was the one thing bringing me happiness everyday and putting a smile on my face. This impacted our relationship also as I was hiding obvious problems that I refused to speak about and just told her only later a fraction of the story as it was extremely complicated. I le him now destroy my relationship by letting him take my time and make him control me. I was such a weak-minded person that it was hard for me to get out of it. I started to hate every time he made me see him in real life as he was now longer that friend he used to be to me. I avoided seeing him and made sure to always have an excuse for not being to make it but funny wise often things came about on the weekends he wanted to see me. More days turned into days where I would avoid WhatsApp as much as I could and would mainly try to keep my mind of it by thinking clear or going into a life thinking mode. Many days turned into disasters as I would just be sad the whole day and could no longer see the positivise. After all my marks had been through the gutter and I was becoming more anxious and scared by the day. At times I was struggling to do well in videogames and tennis and I just saw no more good in my life. I felt like I Had no more control over myself and slowly what I used to help me escape reality would turn into my fear of being caught playing the wrong times or not without him, which would cause his wrath of anger.
Rage came about, and we played at SAs highest level and did extremely well but still I didn’t feel amazing about after all the harm it caused to me over the year. After that point I thought things would get better, but they barely did as he still controlled me and soon exams hit so I basically had no time or will to go out because exams were coming, and my girlfriend was busy, so I only ever did anything with my family. I had slowly started speaking to my brother about this whole thing and one loyal friend which mostly just help me be able to rant my problems to someone without me exploding of frustration. I had also forgotten a crucial event in the 3rd phase being the time I cried at school about all of this before speaking to a school councillor. This happened just before the Justin Bieber Concert after a huge fight of me not telling him about it. After Rage I also told him I had a girlfriend and he was infuriated as I told him Id wait but that was about 4 months of waiting I had done in books even though I had gotten together a while ago because I couldn’t wait else I might lose her. At that moment I again lied to him about how long id been together and basically told him a date which he would get less angry with as he is extremely emotional like a child.
Let’s just say I can’t feel who I am anymore I feel like a robot who has to daily report to him because when I don’t he phones me a million times or even wants to drive to my house as he knows where I Live. I never wanted thing to get as bad as they did but his guilt driven things he says make me feel bad and the blackmail influences me on a deeper emotional and mental level. I’ve been mentally and emotionally damaged hugely and just want my old life back. The Pain should just end now and I’m still lost as he fell in love with me but expects the same but in a way of attention and I’m basically all he has in life now meaning Ill crush his soul but it’s the only way to make me happy now after all of this. I also just want my relationship to go back to normal and everything else will fall into place.
I just need help right now and I do need to speak to more people about this…
|
self.depression
|
Why not end this miserable life Why not just put an end to it all. I have no money skills no degree, no social skills a loner in my own world. At time I can’t afford meds or therapy. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
At first I thought i was bipolar, but now i'm not so sure I'm a 16 year male in my junior year of high school. My freshman year was as basic as could be, but in October of my sophomore year I had my first manic episode (or at least what I think was mania). I was full of energy, got work done so fast my teachers literally couldn't keep up, I was bouncing off the walls and talking the ear off of anyone who would listen. I shot up to the top of my class, reorganized my room, and pretty much planned out my entire life. At the time I thought I was just finally growing up and hitting my stride, but then I crashed. I became severely depressed, my work ethic all but disappeared, and I began to feel just... empty. I would skip school, ignore friends and family, and dropped all of my hobbies like competitive video games and piano lessons. I would also have bouts of extreme anger, and had one really bad anxiety attack that came literally out of nowhere one morning. I self diagnosed myself with bipolar disorder because it seemed that the symptoms all matched up. However now I am not so sure. I still have the same symptoms, but they don't really fall into either bipolar 1 or 2. My manic or hypomanic phases aren't nearly long enough. The first one I had was the longest by far at about 2 or 3 months. But they have gotten shorter and shorter ever since. They usually only last 1-4 days now. My episodes also vary in severity, depression is much more common for me than hypo mania but sometimes it ranges from a lack of energy and motivation to full on suicidal depression, and the mania ranges from feeling good and alert to feeling like I'm the king of the world and not being able to sit still no matter how hard I try. I know this doesn't match up with traditional bipolar disorder at all, but something is obviously wrong with me and I really want to know what. I have gone to therapy and gotten medication, but the therapy was a really bad experience, and my doctor would just keep prescribing me anti depressants and completely ignore my mood swings. I know this isn't traditional Bipolar disorder, so maybe I should be posting this somewhere else, but this is the closest mental disorder I could find that matches my symptoms, and I've identified as bipolar for so long that this subreddit felt like the only place I belonged for a long time, so hopefully someone here knows what I'm talking about.
|
self.bipolar
|
What are arguments for staying alive? I really can't find any.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Acceptance...for now. I've been on disability for a good while now. Anyone on disability can probably relate to the strong desire to be away from it. The Social Security office generally treats you like a criminal, you never know who agrees with the negative stigma and sees you as some sort of lazy leach on society, and some days, you fight with the notion yourself. Many people tie worth to one's ability to work and contribute, and it's easy to fall into that realm of thought where you feel worthless and ashamed.
Anyway, to my story. Around June last year, I was put on a game-changing medication. My anxiety disappeared seemingly overnight, and I felt more confident and comfortable than I have for most of my life. Gears started turning in my head. I could go out among the people! Maybe I could find some companionship and stop feeling so lonely. Maybe I could earn my keep and feel some pride for a change.
This lead to me starting a second part-time job with the intention of ramping up my hours carefully and slowly, the goal being to eventually be making enough to support myself without the SSDI check, Medicare, etc. I was certain I was on track to being an honest, "normal" person. I took on more and more responsibilities. Things were looking good for about 6 months.
Then the medication turned on me, as it seems they all eventually do. Every day, things get worse. While it still keeps the majority of my anxiety at bay, I now have a persistent depression. I've lost interest in many things, including wanting to do a good job at work. I let things slip, do the bare minimum, and count each second until I am able to go home. Increasing hours at a job that I am having less and less of a tolerance for seems like a good way to speed up an inevitable crash and burn. If something doesn't change soon, I will likely have a breakdown and/or wind up in the hospital.
And for what?
Before I started the new med and took the second part-time job, I was doing okay for myself. My first part time job was enough to keep me connected to the outside world, even though the pay might have been considered token at best. I kept myself busy with personal projects. At times I felt lonely, but I had friends. I had trouble with anxiety and depression, but I had time and space to cope.
In my current situation, I feel like I'm on a speeding train. There are no time-outs when I am feeling terrible. What time I have for my own interests is tainted by dread of the next workday and this consistent, low current of depression. The second part-time job has made the first one, *the one I found rewarding and enjoyable,* feel like an inescapable chore. All I want to do now is go home and hide. All this effort put in to build a "respectable life" and dig myself out from under disability, and I feel so much more frightened, fragile, and trapped than before.
No medication has been effective for me for such a long duration. I was certain it was the one, so I ended up biting off more than I could chew. Now, I'm dependent on a drug that makes me miserable and puts me in a precarious emotional state every day. I stress out and hide from my responsibilities. Every day I feel inadequate and not up to snuff.
And why? Because I felt guilty for being on disability? Because I was certain that life free off it would be better? That I couldn't have companionship, self-worth, or be among the living if I wasn't earning my keep in traditional terms?
After much thought, *I have made a conscious choice to "regress."* Clearly, working full time is not an attainable goal for me right now. I'm cutting my current average of 15 hours per week at my second job to around 7. Between it and my first job, I'm likely looking at around 10 a week, which I think will be manageable. Also, I'm getting off the "wonder drug" that keeps my anxiety at bay at the cost of my sanity and happiness. I will regroup, stabilize, and *find some damned peace.*
Being off disability wasn't in the cards this time, and *that's okay.* There's a reason I was put on it in the first place. Maybe I will find an opportunity to be financially independent in the future, maybe not. But I will stop with the self-shaming. I can still have a worthwhile life, whatever the circumstances.
**TL;DR - I found a wonder drug, thought it would finally get me off disability. It didn't, and that's okay. Life goes on.**
*EDIT: Added TL;DR and fixed some grammar.*
|
self.bipolar
|
Can we make connections here? Mind is ARRR
body is fucked
Still believe in soul
Want to connect and make some real friends all ages sexes and backgrounds welcome. Its a start and likely a good one. Lets do this
|
self.depression
|
Eye exam anxiety How do I cope with it? I keep getting bad glasses prescriptions, so I have bad eye exam anxiety. I think the anxiety is making my eyes even harder to test.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Prescribed Clonidine. I have had a lot of experience with stims and others. My new doc is going to have me taper onto Clonidine and then try out stims after I’m on Clonidine for a month. (Since stims by themselves did not help). Anyone have experience with this? Thank you for your time. <3
|
self.Anxiety
|
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