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Complete Memory Loss Ever Since Developing Panic Disorder Can't remember what I did yesterday, why I'm walking into rooms, where I'm going when I'm driving, read through posts I posted online and don't even remember posting them... I never had memory issues until this panic disorder came on.
Is this normal? I'm supposed to realize I'm not sick with anything and not actually dying in order to overcome this panic disorder... but the total memory loss makes me feel brain damaged. Is this normal for somebody with constant anxiety? I can seriously barely remember my friends' names.
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self.Anxiety
|
Worried that people does like me and feeling excluded. My best friend started seeing a new guy. They spend a lot of time together and it’s been making me feel really lonely. She is one of my only friends at school. I’ve hung out with them and his roommates a few times and it seems like the roommates like me and that we could potential be friends. A few weeks ago my best friend told me that she’s going on a double date but what actually happened was a large group of people went out to go see a movie. Was really upset by this but try to put it off as if she didn’t know that all these people where going. I stayed him alone that night. Currently she is at a bar crawl with him and I was told again that was a double date with her her new boyfriend one of his friends and their girlfriend. It turns out that all his roommates are there and I’m feeling very excluded right now. I’ve been getting a lot of Snapchat‘s from them directly to me showing how much fun they’re having and it’s making it even worse. I don’t want to confront them right now since they are having a good time and I don’t want to ruin their fun but I do want to bring it up to my best friend. What should I do?
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self.Anxiety
|
Extreme self-hatred I hate myself. Ive hated myself ever since I was 12 years old. I think I am worthless and when I try hard and still fail to meet my own expectations it only makes me feel even more worthless. I don't have any talents - not good with music, not good with math, public speaking, dancing etc whatever. I just wish I could do something that made me feel useful, instead I only feel like a defective human being. Not sure what the problem is, maybe I set high expectations for myself - for instance getting an A in every single class - I wouldn't call that a high expectation though, I am a student and its my obligation to study just like a worker is supposed to do the best at his job. I get extremely frustrated when I fall short of meeting this expectation, and I get extremely anxious that I won't get a job in the future, because I lack social skills I need *something* that will make me stand out. You can say grades don't matter or whatever but it matters to me because I have a shitty brain that only works in black and white rigid thinking.
EDIT: I should mention my parents don't push me to get good grades. And something else that makes me hate myself is the fact I tend to make stupid decisions that I regret afterwards and have absolutely no way to "fix" my mistake.
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self.depression
|
I fucking hate that if not for happy pills I'd be dead. I get out of my routine over the holiday and miss 3-4 days and I'm trapped in my mind brooding over the best way to shoot my head so it guarantees a kill yet let's my wife bear to see my dead face.
30 years since my depression started, the only thing I know for sure is that I absolutely fucking hate myself on every level possible. I don't know why, but there's nobody I'm crueler to that myself.
What a shit hand to be dealt. I have a great life and shouldn't have a real complaint in the world yet my brain is fucked and without these damned pills I can't function.
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self.depression
|
My father started a business that was doomed to fail and strung my brother who had a bright future with him. My father always had an entrepreneurial mind and wanted to build something for himself. He worked all his life in low-paying manual labor jobs because of his educational background and language barriers didn‘t allow otherwise . But all this time he was very ambitious and it was eating him alive and chipping on his confidence to be burried like that. So when his firm closed 3 years ago he became obsessed about this business field his friend was working in even though he had not enough information on it. So without doing enough research he invested his savings of 20 years into this business. However it wasn’t until we were in the middle of it all that we realized it‘s pretty much a dead field. Instead of any profit we have already acquired a small amount of debt and the people who are ready to buy our business off offer the sixth of what we spent.
So we have no other choice than to continue and hope to make at least enough profit until we get back the amount spent on it.
This could last at least 2 to 3 more years and my brother who has to do pretty much all the work because my dad can‘t speak with the employees, do the bookkeeping,.. has no way to go to college or enhance his future in any way because it‘s taking up all of his time.
That‘s not to mention all the damage it‘s doing to the family‘s harmony and how we have no money even though this is the time my siblings need it the most.
My father is already regretting it a lot and my brother has sort of resigned himself to his fate.
I hate myself for low-key resenting my dad for taking away years of my brother‘s life and my heart is breaking for both him and my brother for being stuck in this situation for an unknown future.
TL,DR: My father and my brother own a failed business the can‘t get rid off. I‘m low-key blaming my father above all for stringing my brother along and hating myself for it. I don‘t know how to get them out of this situation and it‘s killing me.
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self.offmychest
|
I need constant background noise (youtube, watching series) because I'm afraid of being alone with my own thoughts. Going to sleep is scary because I don't know how I'll feel in the morning. Just hearing a voice from a youtube video or a series provides me with a little bit of comfort. It feels like I'm not entirely alone then. My friends can't really get through me and I'm constantly tired. In order for things to change I need to do something, but to do something I need energy... so yeah...
I want to sleep the entire time and I'm much more exhausted in general, but I'm also afraid. Will I feel better when I wake up or worse?
|
self.depression
|
Shortness of Breath With Normal Oxygen Levels Hey everyone. So I've been struggling with shortness of breath for a long time now and have been coughing constantly for the past month now. The strange thing is that my oxygen levels say that they're normal so I'm not sure why I feel short of breath.
I have a history of having panic attacks when I feel short of breath so any support would be appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
|
What can I do to help an online friend who's in another country? I've got a friend who I chat with regularly who lately has been saying that she's going to have to kill herself when she fails her exams within the next couple of months. She's been telling me that her parents have slowly been taking away any de-stressors she has, like her phone and art supplies, and is refusing to let her have a life outside of school work.
She's been saying that she has no time for anything but school, studying, and homework. She wakes up, goes to school, comes home to study and do homework, and goes to bed only to have to do it all over again the next day. She has been getting so much school work piled on her that she's often up until four in the morning trying to finish it. She is routinely only getting about three to four hours of sleep a day. She keeps messaging me saying how tired she is and that she just wants to end this.
She has been messaging me less and less lately and her personality has completely changed over the last year. While we used to talk about a lot of things, nowadays all she talks about is how school is slowly wearing her down. All of her humor has become fatalistic at this point and she's constantly making jokes about how she'll be dead soon. I'm really worried for her but I don't know what to do to help. She doesn't live in the US so there's almost nothing that I can do for her. I try to encourage her as much as I can but in the end I mostly feel like I'm useless and that I'm going to lose her soon.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
New person added to the DnD group. I have extreme paranoia (anxiety), major depression, and PTSD. I have really bad social anxiety as well, But I think it goes along with my paranoia?
So it took me around 6 months to get used to the people that are already in the group and now we’ve been playing for a yearish? Now I’m almost all the way comfortable with them, although the first time I met our dm I had to take potty breaks to puke. I puke a lot right before panic attacks I also get sweaty, achey, heart palpitations (SVT), and all that Jazz. It’s usually like that with meeting new people. Usually I like to be out in public in case anything happens, they try attacking me or anything, we met along with my bf at his apartment. So that didn’t help.
Knowing how that went we can fast forward to the new member—>
I’m sorta comfortable with our group, I never imagined anything would change. I at least hope it didn’t. There’s the dm then there’s 3 other players including my bf. One day one of the group members messaged me for my address even though we game at my house now, it’s around Christmas so I thought it was for gifts since she specially asked for my mailing address. I have it to her and I joked that I hope the present doesn’t come broke. She then replied with something around the lines of -hope that’s the right address or she will go to a different apartment!- my heart sank. No one asked me if anyone could join, it’s my apartment so I just thought she’d ask if it was ok for someone to know where I live. I immediately called my bf and asked what she was talking about, he didn’t know so I asked her. She said she invited her friend to join the group and she’s coming Monday, it’s two days away and I’m just hearing of it. If she didn’t ask for my address some random person would of shown up on the spot and that would of been horrible! So I told her “I didn’t know anyone was coming over, no one asked me. It’s my apartment so I would of liked to know this sort of thing before a stranger comes to my house” she said -soorryyyyy I really want her to come- again not asking. She said she asked our dm. So my bf comes over because at this point I’m freaking out, he says he did agree to the new person but didn’t tell me. So it takes my bf 3 whole hours to try and understand why I’m freaking out and he still doesn’t understand.
What’s going on in my head. This person, who is it? What are they like? It’s a girl, what if she tries anything with my bf? What if she’s prettier than me? What if she’s better at dnd than me? This is my safe place, where I come home to when I’m scared and feel alright. This is my place where I can have no worries. She knows where I live now. It no longer feels like a safe place. What if she tries to do stuff to me? What if she tries anything with my pets?
My boyfriend tells me if I’m so worried about her being at my house then we can have it at house house (where my cousin also lives). it doesn’t matter if it’s there that’s where my bf and my cousin live, those are my people. If something happens to them then I’m just idk. Not to mention their pets. Idk I just things are running around in my head, Playing scenarios in my mind of what could happen. You know? He just doesn’t get it. I feel defeated.
We had DnD at my apartment. I set up seat arrangements where she is on the opposite side, but that was a horrible idea because she kept staring at me and my bf the entire time. She’s very loud, she swears a lot, she is already comfortable with everyone. I couldn’t play my character like I could. All I could do was sit in my chair shaking, looking down avoiding her eyes. She was pretty everyone said she was cute. She was. I sat there thinking of things that could happen. I locked up my pets in the room so she wouldn’t see them, I had it at my apartment so I could in a way protect the ones I loved. I have Extreme paranoia so it’s hard for me to think I’m safe and ok. It’s impossible. Before she even came I threw up in the bathroom having a panic attack crying. I was so scared and afraid. That’s how it was before I even met the group. Now I’m doing it all over again. It took me so long to get over this, now I just can’t anymore. I don’t even want to play anymore. But I want to be there when they have it so when something happens I can Protect everyone.
My boyfriend still doesn’t understand. He says nothing will happen, saying that doesn’t do anything. When he said he was going to have it at his house he said he wouldn’t let anything happen that he’s a big guy. A big guy can’t avoid a gun shot, a big guy can’t avoid a bomb, he can’t avoid any of that. He said that won’t happen nothing like that happens to people I kept naming off things and he kept smiling saying it’s fine. I’m not being taken seriously. At this point I feel like a crazy fool. I yell well it happened to me. He got silent and hugged me. I was in abusive relation ship I didn’t even want to be in from the start 2 years ago, when I was younger I was raped by someone close to my family. If it can happen to people who are close there’s no doubt it can happen to people who are far.
We have separate groups now. Our regular group with the three of us and the dm then the same group the day after only I don’t go and she does. It feels wrong. I need to be there, I don’t want my bf and friend to be left alone with a stranger. My boyfriend gets mad when I tell him my “what if’s” and the ones he gets mad at is what if she tries to get with you. He thinks I think he’s that person who will let it happen. I don’t, the thought of her forcing him into doing things or something gets me weak. I hate myself for thinking this but it’s only one of the what if’s. It’s not like I’m assuming he’s cheating on me. I just want him to see how it is through my eyes.
He says we can work on this, we can make it better if we push through it. Iv tried for 7 years what makes him think suddenly now I can do that? It takes time and he’s not a patient person. I love him to bits but he’s very stubborn.
I’ll leave it at that since typing all of this makes me uneasy. All I want is to be normal.
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self.Anxiety
|
I lost all my bitcoins Back when they were just under $1 each, my best friend introduced me to bitcoin, and I was instantly excited about them. I really believed they were something special. I would tell people about it all the time, but most didn't care much or really understand it, as I'm sure some of you know. Soon after they hit $2 I bought 20 and kept them on my laptop. Security wasn't really a huge concern back then seeing as they were only worth a couple bucks each. I gave a couple to my family members and friends in paper wallets and they didn't really think much of them.
Then months later my car was broken into and they stole my laptop and some drum equipment. At the time I was more upset over the $2000 worth of cymbals that were stolen than anything. But I remember when they hit 1300 I was really upset. I never bought much after I lost them. I wasn't making much back then, plus the price was so high.
Now since the latest spike, I'm getting texts and calls from friends, family and plenty of people I haven't heard from in a while, asking "hey so are you super rich now?!" And I have to reply with just "heh, yeah Im doin alright" even though I lost them years ago. My close family and friends know I lost them, but I don't like to tell most people. But now people everywhere and even at my job, people who would NEVER know anything about cryptocurrencies, are constantly talking about it, and it's constantly making me anxious.
But my best friend was mining them back in the day so he's doing really well, and I'm actually super happy about that, because he really deserved it. Especially since everyone used to make fun of him for it back then lol (he was a bit of a hermit). But I dunno, I just wish everyone would shut up about it for a day. Im sure people have lost way more and I'm being shitty about this, but I can't help the anxiety :(
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self.offmychest
|
Tips on dissociation and panic attacks when smoking I used to smoke daily for five years and did LSD a lot and acted completely normal and had good times with it. I decided to stop w/ L for some time &had just been smoking all the time. Lately, All of the sudden I started getting extreme panic attacks when smoking and felt dissociated and depersonalized. I stopped for two months now and am still feeling uncomfortably anxious when sober even. I thought for some time it was just placebo effect and I was feeding these thoughts into my own mind but still couldn't get back to my usual self. I'm not sure if it mental or if somethings physically wrong with me. What do I do...
|
self.Anxiety
|
This may be the wrong place. I am about to let go. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I told my dad I can't continue university anymore Talking about how I got here makes me feel like a selfish liar.
I feel like I made myself get here.
It's starting with me avoiding replying to texts, until I got so overwhelmed with the feeling that I'm such a bad friend, bad sister, bad daughter.. When the feeling got too much I would replay.
It start with missing one class, and then two. Then it went to me not doing my assignments on time.. Then not doing them at all.
It felt good when I failed a class, because the guilt and stress will go away for a bit. As long as I had a chance of passing.. (Knowing in my heart that I will not sit and write the assignment) the guilt was too much. But when I fail I know is done.. Nothing to change it.
I stopped cleaning my room, I was always bad at this.. But when I move to new place there's a period of time where I do clean, and then gradually it get worse and worse. I don't let my other housemates see my room, and I don't let my friends visit me at all. The shame was too much.
I distracted myself from this feelings by cutting my friends off (If I don't have friends, I won't feel so guilty all the time) I sabotaged my relationship, so I can breakup with him. Stopped talking to my parents and acted like I'm so busy with school.
In June, I stopped showering. It's been months.. Brushing my teeth Is SO hard. No, not hard.. I just really don't care.
Drinking used to help, to make me socialize. But since I cut my friends off.. I start using alcohol in a different way.
It makes me distracted.. I don't like to drink till I pass out, because I sleep a lot anyway. No, I like the buzz, the buzz feels good with music In a dark room.. Imagining myself without my laziness, I like to picture meeting my old friends and them seeing me working, and happy.
I have a whole world build in my head where I am different.. My escape place.
This cycle of not being able to start something, then avoiding, getting anxious about the thing I avoided, feel shame and guilt, and then doing all over is too much.
I don't feel sad, I just feel like I don't care. The thing is I enjoy my distractions, like reading, watching, and games. But this also starting to become more difficult.. I used to watch for hours and hours, and now watch one episode is so difficult. I LOVE reading.. It's a great way to escape but reading is becoming hard too, I switched to audiobooks and now podcasts because it's shorter.
I wish a car will hit me, Everytime I walk outside.
Yesterday I called my university, and they're done with me. And for the first time I called a hotline.. I don't know what I was thinking. I can't remember my feelings yesterday.. I just talked and talked.
Then i called my dad, told him I wanna come home. My dad understood which makes me feel like shitty person.. What if I just lazy? Selfish? What if I'm just making myself feel this way to avoid doing anything?
I felt relieved yesterday, even happy. Happy that I don't have to lie anymore.
But I woke up today, and I feel nothing? What's wrong with me?
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self.depression
|
I can’t drink because alcohol abuse runs in my family and it pisses me off. I’m 18 and I’m going to college next fall. I’m looking forward to going, but I won’t be able to drink in college. Why? Be cause I come from a family of fucking alcoholics. My grandad drank a lot, he died of liver cancer. My uncle drinks every day, and my dad... let me tell you about him. When he drinks he curses me, my little sister, and my mom out. He put his hands on me and my mom twice, and he constantly calls us names. Luckily we’ve moved away from him. He’s getting help, but I’m just so mad that alcohol abuse runs in my family. I’ll never be able to even be a social drinker because I’ll never know if I’ll become addicted. I’ll have to be the loser “designated driver” all my life. I’ll be the one drinking from a coke can when everyone else is drinking from a red solo cup. I know I can have fun in college without drinking, but I just want a “normal” college experience. I want to know what’s it’s like to go to class hungover lol. Even after college, I can’t go to bars. I’ll be the guy going to a bar to drink soda. I won’t even be able to drink wine at my wedding. I know it seems like I’m overreacting, but I just cannot let myself get addicted and ruin lives like others in my family have.
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self.offmychest
|
I AM SO PISSED OFF Vance why would you say that, it's so awkward. I only gave you a cupcake because you gave me a swipe that time when we went to Ferris. You're like super annoying 98% of the time, I hope I never have to talk to you ever again
Tim, yeah okay, thanks for eating the cupcake right in front of everyone and not even saying thanks to me
I am never making cupcakes for this team again, it's way too annoying making sure I give it to the people I like and people who did me favors, and telling people I BARELY know that I don't want to give them a cupcake
And I hate you Albert, I wish I never agreed to go on this trip. I wish I went to Boston for thanksgiving instead of stupid Florida, where you invited your girlfriend on this trip and we don't even know her or like her. And wtf, I SENT YOU MY ITINERARY OF GOING HOME SUNDAY MORNING, NOT MONDAY MORNING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. And then you booked the hotel without ever letting me look at it, it's like a 3 hour drive from the hotel to the airport and each night is like $50 per person, so we have to check out early Sunday morning for me to make my flight and I don't care, I'm not paying any extra fees to change the hotel dates or that extra Sunday night. I don't want to see you ever again, I'm only going to see my other two friends, you're one of the most annoying people I have ever known. Pretending to be a frat boy and then pretending to care about people's feelings, I'm just so so pissed off that I can't go to Boston for thanksgiving because I'd save like $600 and get to pig out with my closer friend on thanksgiving who's celebrating it alone.
And Kevin, fuck you.
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self.offmychest
|
The most innocuous anti depressant? I want to try an anti depressant, off label or something that is called an antidepressant are both fine. I've tried Zoloft ( but had to quit early when insurance ended but at one month I had no effects), and Wellbutrin ( absolute hell).
What's the most innocuous anti depressant? I would prefer a first line of least severe side effects over one of most often effective against depression. The reason is I'm already in constant daily agony that feels like continuous torture. I am doing things like feeding myself and my cat with only the greatest strain and effort. I can't take anything that's going to make me feel worse before it makes me better. It would literally kill me. I have a lot of other "symptoms " that don't fit even a wide understanding of depression so I have to be careful. For example I have severe anxiety which is why Wellbutrin was hell. I need someone that I can stop asap if it has a bad effect and for that effect to go away asap. Any advice? Thanks
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self.depression
|
Loneliness and New Years Eve It's New Years Eve tomorrow. I'm 99% sure that I'll be spending it alone. I don't know anyone so i'm probably staying home, as per usual.
I want to leave this world behind. Depression has been clinging onto my back everyday for the past few months, but just gotten worse during this whole month. Loneliness is one thing that has been making everything even more unbearable for me. It really really hurts to feel lonely and alone. I don't know who to turn to. I have nobody. Usually at about 8pm? Loneliness will creep in, and it feels as though a huge weight is on my chest, as I am being enveloped by darkness.
Oh, what I'd do for freedom. I just want to leave everyone behind. I pray everyday for something to happen to me (for my heart to stop, for something to fall on me, to get struck by lightning, something,anything.) I've been imagining myself falling from a tall height. I just want to badly to die and end all my pain. I can't stand it. The pain of loneliness. I wish I wasn't alone.
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self.depression
|
My Journey; It gets Better WARNING - LONG POST
Hi guys. I just wanted to post something that I would have really appreciated when I was at my lowest:
It gets better. You will be okay. You can be better than just "okay" though. You really can.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 in October of 2016 during a hypo/mixed state. Then I was in a depressed state for all of January. and back to the most intense mixed state of unbearable anxiety and depression from August to mid October. These things are very hard to realize while you are going through them. I didn't know what was happening and constantly fought with myself - "you're making this up, you could be fine if you tried harder. You're just a lazy sack of shit. a manipulative one" . I lost all motivation to work. I am incredibly lucky to have a fantastic support system in my husband, family and friends. But mentally, I got to the point of hopelessness. I couldn't imagine the rest of my life being such a struggle to love myself and love life.
For the last two weeks - I am very proud and happy to say that I feel genuinely good. I have MOTIVATION to do things again. My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out on friday and my first thought was "sure, that could be fun", instead of " I just don't have the energy, that's going to trigger anxiety". THIS IS A HUGE DEAL YOU GUYS.
Here's what helped me:
- I asked my husband to read up on my disorder. He bought "When Someone You Love is Bipolar" this helped us both tremendously
- I started tracking my moods and episodes on my calendar. A blue mark meant depression. A red mark meant high irritability/anxiety. This helped me see that my disorder was VERY REAL.
- I kept going to therapy every week.
- I got a new psychiatrist. I trusted my gut and didn't stay with the first new one I tried. I switched to one I like and have taken on a new attitude of "the doctor works for me"
- I got over my "no drugs that might make me gain weight" rule and switched to seroquel. It worked WAY better than Latuda for me.
- I stopped drinking alcohol
- Somedays - I just let myself be sick.
NO. I'm not perfect. Two weeks doesn't seem like that long, but for me it seems like a lifetime. To be happy for this long. But I'm learning to accept the reality of my life with this disorder. And for now I'm able to enjoy my life. And I just wanted to share that with those of you who think it seems impossible and that no one is really happy. That's how I felt. DON'T GIVE UP. GO EASY ON YOURSELF AND SURVIVE. YOU CAN DO IT.
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self.bipolar
|
My friend died, and now all I can think about is how my loved ones won’t be around forever Since my friend passed away from cancer a month ago (he was only 27), it’s made me think about how fragile life is and it scares the hell out of me. I wasn’t there for him as much as I should have been towards the end and I think that’s a huge reason why my anxiety was set off. Big regrets. I’m so scared for the inevitable future where everyone I love goes away. I’m really trying to make more of an effort to be there for everyone I love and do more for them. It just makes me realize how distant I’ve really been toward a lot of people and that makes me even more anxious! It affects the way I socialize with people, affects the way I ‘self-talk’, I hardly sleep at night and lately I’ve been waking up having panic attacks (which is new for me). Ahhhhhh. Go away anxiety.
Tl;dr *friend passed away recently and now I’m anxious about everyone I love dying*
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self.Anxiety
|
Does stress cause your manic episodes? (Please indicate your type in response, I'm type 1)
I've done some reflecting on my past manic episodes and the only common cause I can identify is stress. I get really stressed about something over a period of time (1-4 weeks) and then something occurs to make the stress suddenly disseaper and then within a week I am delusional and loving my stress free life (until the meds kick in).
What role if any does stress play in causing your episodes?
I'm wondering how much I can rely on monitoring stress to prevent episodes. If there is a 1-1 correlation, then perhaps if I manage my stress better I can prevent future episodes.
Edit: I am aware of at least a few other common triggers. Drugs and alcohol. Irregular sleep. I avoid both of those so it's been stress for me so far.
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self.bipolar
|
Small Victory Saturday 12.16.17 It's time to look back on our weeks and celebrate our little victories. I know sometimes it's as small as showering or getting out of bed, but life is a series of small accomplishments. The big ones are achieved through the little ones. Whether you changed your clothes or got a job, you did something this week. What was it?
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self.bipolar
|
I'm about to lose one of my biggest supporters. This probably sounds beyond stupid but when I was at a really low point in my life a cat literally walked in off the streets, came into my home, and never left. He has slept by my side for four years and been there through all of the horrible thoughts. He may have even helped me get better.
Yesterday my dad called me and told me he has liver cancer with about a month to live. This totally broke me. I'm in university 8 hours away so I can't be with him. He has helped me through all my pain and now I can't help him. Whenever I was close to harming myself I would think "but who would orange cat sleep with?"
I feel more helpless than I've ever been. I'm going to miss my buddy so much.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Seroquel for sleep Let me preface this by apologizing for posting here so much. I just have a ton of energy right now and a lot of questions since getting out of the hospital yesterday. Sorry!
Okay, so I'm having a TON of trouble sleeping lately because I'm still hypomanic or something so my Trazodone dose was increased to 100mg yesterday. Well, I took that dose and I felt its effects for sure when I was going into bed and I fell asleep for a restless half-awake couple of hours but eventually woke up. This is unacceptable. I need to sleep!
MY question is is Seroquel more apt to aid in my staying asleep as opposed to just getting me to sleep? I HATE that drug with a passion but if it lets me sleep, I'm all for taking it again because if 100mg of Trazodone won't cut it, I don't think anything short of an AP is going to help with that.
I guess I should be asking my pdoc this question but I won't see him until next Tuesday and I just wanted to see what others have to say about Seroquel as a sleep aid.
Thanks so much!!
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self.bipolar
|
I'm begging myself to die. Hi, I'm depressed as all hell. Have been since 5 years old. I have an abundance of disorders and problems. I HATE my body/face EVERYTHING about myself. I hate waking up every morning, my days are blurring together. I hate looking in the mirror. I hardly have the want / desire to shower or even brush my teeth. I'm bored out of my mind but refuse to leave my bed/home. I want to feel happy, for myself for my fiance.. family etc.. I want to be beautiful, I want to feel beautiful but I'm fat with a not so cute face and small boobs. (Average i guess.) I hate my legs and my tummy i hate my eye color even though everyone "loves" it. This list of "I hates " would literally go on for ever but eh. I want to off myself so everyone around me can feel and be happy. I want to off myself so my fiance can find someone prettier, Skinner, more mature. I want to off myself so i dont have to look at myself in the mirror anymore.ice been having extreme thoughts of self harm, but have kept myself from crossing that line as i am a few months clean now. But i look at my fiances belt, or something even slightly resembling a noose and my thoughts are on that for hours. If i get in a fight with him, or family my brain automatically goes to suicide as a way for me to retreat "well they dont want me. Listen to how theyre talking to me." Not only that im a bitch, i can be mean.. and i cant control it. This makes me feel 100000000x worse even if its in self defense or because I'm being ignored. I wkll feel horrible for it. I'm tired of being fucking walked on.. I'm tired of being looked down on and treated like fucking shit by everyone that pretends to care. I fucking hate myself.
I'm over it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What is this life, what is anything, what is pain, what is death? Oh god, oh gods. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I don't want to change. I started taking antidepressants (or rather, anxiologics -- it's Celexa) recently. It was after I told a consultant in dependance and toxicomany about my suicidal ideologies, who then told a social worker, who then told my mother, who had me stay at a hospital for several hours until we saw a doctor.
For the record, I am 16.
I self harm, take drugs (speed on occasion, weed whenever I can get my hands on it) -- though it is absolutely nothing serious, smoke daily, and drink. The problem consultants have with this is that I do these things at school. I come to class smelling like an ashtray, I've had people see blood on my sleeves when I didn't clean up well, I've been questioned on my bloated red eyes and slow reaction times, and I've been seen tripping over my own feets and bobbing my head as I walked.
I had recently started sleeping all day -- going to bed at midnight, waking up at 6:30, going to school at 7:15, sleeping until classes started, sleeping in classes, going back home and falling asleep. On weekends it was going to bed at Midnight, getting up at 11 am, and going in a chair, watching videos until I slept, missing breakfast and lunch, waiting until dinner, eating, then going back to sleep.
My psychiatrist told me ''I don't think you quite have depression, but you do have symptoms''. I immediately told him I didn't want to consult a psychologist, telling him it would be a waste of my time and the psychologist's, blatantly telling him I had no intention of making my own effort. So he looked at me for a few minutes, invited my mother in, and told her he would prescribe me some antidepressant-anxiologic (that's Celexa), but no Prozac because of my low arterial pressure.
I go back to school, and for a few days can do nothing but stare into nothingness and sleep, but my mood does improve a little. I had started to tell people to fuck off, isolating myself -- but now I can at least pretend I'm sociable, until I kill myself -- I told my consultant I had set myself a deadline, that I would be asking for assisted suicide at 18, and upon failure at receiving it would buy alcohol to give myself alcohol poisoning and die in an alley.
Now, the consultant knows this.
My mother doesn't know about my dependances, and I am not halfway to telling her, not even close.
The consultant talks to me, actually -- everyone talks to me, no matter what it is about, wether it's my ideas or my addictions... they talk to me like I said I wanted to change and get better, but acted in a way that hindered this.
I feel confused and irritated. I have never stated I wanted to get better. At best, I learned to shut up about my feelings even when people ask about them, since either way they'll be pissed -- at least by shutting up I'll be left alone. I have never stated, once, to have the will to change or 'get better'. I maintained that I was fine as I was, and they were the ones insisting that I change, and now they act like I'm the one who wanted this and am acting in a way that would make me a liar, and that's eating me up more than anything else.
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self.depression
|
Felt like posting my experiences recently Hi, people of /r/depression. I am Ultimadei. I am 13, recently been discharged from a psychiatric unit and diagnosed with clinical depression, along with a pending autistic spectrum disorder test.
I don't know why I am posting this, but why the hell not?
I had been going down hill for about 6 months before stuff started getting really bad. Funny as it sounds, a friend accidentally let go of a helium balloon I had been given and that basically propelled my depression forward. I had been wanting to die for a few weeks, but the sadness I felt then was too much for me to cope with, I just wanted out, and planned to jump in front of a train next week (when the school holidays began). At the time, my mum had no clue about just how bad I was feeling; just a few hints from me being quieter and acting less myself. Just a few days after the balloon incident, my mum and I went to a church meeting on a night that I happened to be feeling particularly bad. After the meeting ended, mum was keen to socialise with the other people there as she usually did. I asked her if we could go immediately, but she wanted to finish up talking to someone first. After ~5 minutes, I was getting anxious and really just wanted her to go, so I interrupted and asked her again. She complied, but not before openly saying that I was just being a moody teenager to the people around her. When we were walking out to the car, I told her that I was quite furious with what she said, and she apologized. I can't remember exactly what she said next, but it was something along the lines of "well you're just going to go home and go on your laptop anyway". I blew up at her because of this, admitting that I was planning on self harming - not going on my laptop.
Our sister lives in the same block of flats as us, so we decided to go to her for help. My sister is 10 years older than me and has depression, borderline, social anxiety, etc. etc. She lives with her husband who works as her carer. Basically, she was and is an amazing support. After a conversation, and me unloading everything I was feeling, my sister and mum understood that I wasn't in the best state. The next day, we went to the GP, then A&E and managed to get into the CAMHS service.
The next few weeks were okay. I was put on 10MG fluoxetine and diagnosed with depression. But I also suffer from what I can only described as "A voice in my head, that sounds like my voice, but that I can't control". This voice got more and more aggressive and prevolent as the weeks passed, resulting in several "episodes" wherein I would lose control of myself and basically just be in my own head. Eventually, my family decided that it was best for me to be put into a psychiatric unit...
Now up until this point, CAMHS had been absolutely wonderful in terms of support and general understanding.
**The hospital was not like this**
I hated this environment so much by the end. I made good friends there, until one of them got jealous because his best friend was speaking to me more than them, so he took it upon himself to bully me and stop the other person from speaking to me. There was also the staff, all 50 of them, who would rotate daily and I could never open up to because
a) they were atrocious at understanding
b) they were there 1/10 times I actually would have needed them
e.g one of my "episodes", I was standing around looking for something to harm myself with. One of the teachers there started talking to me. When I didn't respond, she called me rude and walked of. I was the one who had to apolagize to her an hour later after crying my eyes out alone on my bed.
And it never got any better. I managed to fake a positive attitude to get them to discharge me, which brings me to just a few weeks ago now.
Since then, very little has changed. My fluoxetine has been upped to 30mg, and it has definitely started to take effect, but I mainly just feel flat and empty. They are looking at putting me on aripirisole, an anti-psychotic, and also seem to be quite eager to get me back to school.
So there it is. That is a good chunk of my "story" I suppose.
|
self.depression
|
I can't stop crying over someone I didn't know I don't know what happened but today I was reminded of a stranger's death. She was a little bit older than me and she died in a drunk driving accident, but I didn't know her AT ALL. She died quite some time ago too. For some reason I can't stop thinking about her death or how scared she must have felt before she died. I even cried about it a few times even though I really didn't know her at all.
I don't know why I feel such a strong feeling of grief over her. I have never really felt this way about many people at all except for when my dog passed. I don't think there's much connecting us either. I think it might be because of my depression because I keep thinking that I wish she could have my life instead. For some reason it really made my mood even worse than before and now I can't stop feeling sad and down. Before I would alternate between feeling bored, apathetic, and sad, but now I just feel deeply sad.
|
self.depression
|
please lie to me that I am not coward, lazy and attention seeking as desperate as it sounds, I need to hear this lie said to me at the moment
|
self.Anxiety
|
I watched a movie today... it made me want to live a little bit longer. Corny or not, I need to say this.
The Iron Giant. I saw the movie as a kid, but didn't realize what a strong message it carried until adulthood. It made me hopeful there may be something good in this world, we just need to grasp on to it when we find it, and not let go.
Anyway, just wanted to let this off my chest. Good night.
|
self.depression
|
2017 was the worst year for me I’ve posted on here before and I got some words of encouragement that actually helped out. But things just keep getting worse. I’m still at a job I can’t stand that makes me too exhausted to do anything in my free time. My girlfriend who was my best friend in the whole world who meant everything to me finally dumped me. I need her more than anything and she left me. She said she wasn’t happy with me. I just don’t know what to do to make things better. I have no real friends I can hang out with. I’m so lonely without her I feel so alone without having a special someone. I just want to die. I’ve planned multiple ways to do it but I’m too afraid. My parents and whole family already know I want to kill myself I don’t want to put them through that. I just wanted her to stay with me. I truly loved her and she left
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
The best girl I've met in a long time is transferring back home after the semester So at the beginning of the semester, I scouted out the better looking women in my classes. There was this very pretty young woman, redhead, in my Macroeconomics class. I kept seeing her in the dining hall after class. She had this special aura about her, she was the most intimidating woman I've ever seen/met, as she never smiled and always looked like she was ticked off or wanted to kill everyone, but she also seemed very smart and professional.
After a short pursuit of another girl fizzled out quickly, I decided that I was going to talk to this girl from my econ class last month. I ended up having a number of good conversations with her, and I became really interested in her. She had the most beautiful voice I've ever heard, and was very nice and down to earth in all of the convos we had.
On Thursday, I gathered myself to give her my number and invite her out to eat or doing something fun with me, and I did that, but in conversation, she stated that she would be transferring back home after just one semester at our school. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to date her or anything, she didn't seem that interested in me, but I really wanted to get to known her better and develop a solid friendship. Now I'm 90% sure I will never see her again, and probably never talk to her again after December. I'm just sad that I'll never be able to talk to her and hear her pretty voice after next month.
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self.offmychest
|
Lena Dunham, blackpeopletwitter & the champagne progressive in black face In the wake of Hollywood self proclaimed feminist Lena Dunham getting dragged through the media for again betraying her "liberal values" while speaking out her arse regarding rape victims, a lot of chatter has been generated regarding the harsh treatment she's receiving especially considering her detractors come from both the left and the right.
Recently her black female writer, Zinzi Clemmons, stepped down, revealing that Lena Dunham exists in the same realm as GET OUT characters, with the privilege, connections and defense of the white supremacist status quo to boot.
-------
More specifically she made mention of **hipster racism** which is often times more insidious and disgusting than overt "in your face" racism. This kind of bigotry exists in an alternate plane, covertly defended by so called (mostly white) progressives who "get it".
> During that time, Clemmons says she “avoided those people like the plague because of their racism,” adding, “I’d call their strain ‘hipster-racism,’ which typically uses sarcasm as a cover.
This is without a doubt the most insidious kind of racism. The one where people who claim to be "woke" and "get it" drop slurs like 'ni**er like it's going out of fashion and act shocked when called out on it because they're not like Cletus and Jim Bob so they're better than them and you don't dare call them racist.
-------
The classic designation that the only racists in America are southern or rural in some way is one I find to be bought by sometimes most ardent activists and "woke folk".
> it looks a lot like gaslighting--**"It's just a joke. Why are you overreacting?" Is a common response to these kinds of statements. In Lena's circle, there was a girl who was known to use the N word in conversation in order to be provocative, and if she was ever called on it, she would say "it's just a joke".** I was often in the same room with her, but I never spoke to her, only watched her from afar in anxiety and horror.
On reddit, the thin veneer of "liberalism" washes off when you realise most of the liberal moderators exist on this plane of hipster racism.
---------
And they thrive by closing ranks and having their peers swarm and attack their accusers. A lot of these champagne progressives also end up being the most obnoxious culture vultures because they think they're "down with it" .
They invade minority spaces and take over the conversations they claimed to get in the first place while doing nothing to change their rubbish attitudes. They are always the first to engage in some sort of minstrel game or the other, hell there's entire subs on here built around the very notion.
For example, blackpeopletwitter on here is modded by about 23 white folks of the 32 mods on there. The top mods go around flinging the ["nword with the hard r"](http://archive.is/EfYb4)
----------
While the second top mod creates and [mods subs that use that slur](https://archive.is/H2ALc)
While former mods like ricovig mod [n***ers empire](http://archive.is/JUxBa)
[Another moderator mods another slur based sub](http://archive.is/edYG0)
The current second moderator was a mod of googletown which was [squatted by 17 other neonazis like him](http://archive.is/aUh1d)
-------------
**Remember though, these aren't users from the donald or trump supporters**.
These are so called "reddit progressives" that get it and are woke which is why they mod the largest minstrel forum on the web
----
**Current /r/BlackPeopleTwitter moderators** (*that still moderate /r/4chan*)
- /u/wsgy111 (Creator of /r/Blackpeopletwitter)
- /u/Kellerbier
-----------
**Former /r/BlackPeopleTwitter moderators** (*that still moderate /r/4chan*)
- /u/Cespur
- /u/pyrowolf8
- /u/GoreFox
- /u/Saicotic
-----------
**Former /r/BlackPeopleTwitter & /r/4chan Mods**
- [/u/ASS_KRACKERS (Deleted Account)](https://web.archive.org/web/20170120193505/https://www.reddit.com/user/ASS_KRACKERS)
- /u/antennanarivo
- [/u/andrewjackson5 (Deleted Account)](https://web.archive.org/web/20150317071401/http://www.reddit.com/user/andrewjackson5)
-----
**/r/Bannedfrom4chan moderators**
- /u/the_dinks
- /u/T_Dumbsford
- /u/Generaly_Happy_
- /u/TheSwaguar
- /u/HeWhoPunchesFish
- /u/RicoVig
-----
List being updated
---
Older /r/BlackPeopleTwitter moderator /u/pondreezy [moderates a subreddit focused on stereotyping the way Mexicans speak, and enforcing other stereotypes, e.g. jumping the border and mowing lawns](https://web.archive.org/web/20171120034332/https://www.reddit.com/r/Cholojerk/)
Older /r/BlackPeopleTwitter moderator /u/Creep_The_Night moderated (and moderates) **[/r/BlackOnWhiteCrime, a subreddit trying to push an anti-black narrative while housing accounts like /u/Niggerinasuite](http://archive.is/y13gm)**
Older /r/BlackPeopleTwitter moderator /u/pondreezy and current BPT #2 moderator /u/T_Dumbsford moderate a [subreddit called /r/niggerfaggotasscock](https://web.archive.org/web/20171120031541/https://www.reddit.com/r/niggerfaggotasscock/)
---
**List of racist/sexist subreddits original /r/BlackPeopleTwitter moderator /u/missmurrr currently moderates (with other BPT Mods included)**
------
^(/r/ Links are redirected to archives)
- [/r/BeatingWomen](https://web.archive.org/web/20140216202342/http://www.reddit.com/user/missmurrr) (Banned)
- [/r/still_beating_women](http://archive.is/lByDi)
- [/r/BeadingWomen](http://archive.is/BhfgN) -- *with current /r/BlackPeopleTwitter moderator Kellerbier*
- [/r/violenceagainstwomen](https://web.archive.org/web/20140216202342/http://www.reddit.com/user/missmurrr)
- [/r/KillABitch](https://web.archive.org/web/20140216202342/http://www.reddit.com/user/missmurrr)
- [/r/CuteFemaleCorpses](https://web.archive.org/web/20160301165858/https://www.reddit.com/user/missmurrr) (Quarantined)
- [/r/DeportMuslims](http://archive.is/5XDsT)
- [/r/BeatingMuslims](http://archive.is/TtsNF)
- [/r/MuslimPeopleHate](https://web.archive.org/web/20160301165858/https://www.reddit.com/user/missmurrr)
- [/r/JewHate](http://archive.is/7d4Gv)
- [/r/BeatingFaggots](https://web.archive.org/web/20121127191520/http://www.reddit.com:80/r/beatingfaggots)
- [/r/BeatingTrannies](https://web.archive.org/web/20140216202342/http://www.reddit.com/user/missmurrr)
- [/r/BeatingCripples](https://web.archive.org/web/20140216202342/http://www.reddit.com/user/missmurrr)
- [/r/BaneIsANigger](https://web.archive.org/web/20160301165858/https://www.reddit.com/user/missmurrr) -- *with former /r/BlackPeopleTwitter moderator and current /r/BikiniBottomTwitter & /r/PalletTownTwitter moderator antennanarivo*
- Also apart of the [/r/Muffin community](http://archive.is/WDdiQ), fill in those blanks.
[An original /r/BlackPeopleTwitter moderator /u/missmurrr moderated /r/JewsInTheOven before it was banned](https://web.archive.org/web/20120710095439/http://www.reddit.com:80/r/JewsinTheOven)
---------------
**Part 3 on the way**
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self.offmychest
|
An IOP just started taking my insurance! I just finished up my most recent bout of psych testing. I just got word that an IOP in my area struck a deal with my brand of medicaid.
I've been off meds for a couple weeks and have been drinking.
I called in refills today and took my remaining lamotrigine.
I'm really trying to be positive.
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self.bipolar
|
Absurdities of perception and the bipolar condition Reading posts by the youngsters in this group cracks me up. Can't believe the way they struggle with the meaning of normal life situations and then call them episodic triggers *eg.* I broke a nail and it triggered my episode, now I'm manic. Ah the ignorance of youth, ain't it grand... One behaves the way they do because they are Bipolar, not because something stresses them out.
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self.bipolar
|
I have the flu and I’m feeling guilty because someone caught it from me [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Finally lost my ability to think rationally Hi,
so basically what I was going through this year was just insane. First half Derealization/Depersonalization, second half Depression/OCD but feels like psychotic, because everything seems so surreal. I was diagnosed with OCD and adjustment disorder btw. OCD and not psychosis because I know those feelings and thoughts are somewhat strange.
So basically I recovered from Depersonalization this year...but as the symptoms slowly vanished, I still battled irrational thoughts from day to day when suddenly my mind switched to: ur life is over. I was overwhelmed, suddenly paranoid of time/the date, feeling like I shouldnt be here anymore as the time went on and feeling like trapped in this concept of time.
This feeling...it feels like I shouldnt be alive anymore since August, like I shouldnt have lived past August and should be dead until August. It just feels like it is wrong to be alive, when I go to the hairdresser for example, my mind goes like this: You are dead inside, you died, you dont need to do this, you are trapped in hell, you shouldve killed yourself as I told you! When I look in the mirror: "Why are u still alive?" It just cant make sense why I am still alive, and I am super overwhelmed, feeling insane, because I know something IS TERRIBLY WRONG IN MY ORGANISM.
You may ask yourself why "August"? I dont know, I somehow wanted to be recovered and fine from mental health issues until August, I didnt know what would happen if I didnt recover until then, but my mind has adapted to my expectations and as the time went on without me recovering, my mind realized that and switched to this surreal psychotic limbo mode, so basically I guess false expectations triggered this mess in my mind.
I remembered when these thoughts sneaked in in the last week of July, I felt like after this week I would pass like a strange "threshold", like my old self had to die (idk it felt so strange, I just got very depressed, nervous and obsessed with the future and thought if I couldnt cope I may commit suicide, but I wasnt suicidal)
It felt like life after July was just black, I didnt want the future to come and felt like I was involuntarily pushed to experience this future pain, but then there was the 1st of August where I had these painful thoughts that I cant live anymore and got anxious. And this whole "anticipation" made me BELIEVE that this is destiny and I cant recover from it!
Furthermore I told my psychiatrist that I feared that I'll lose myself in time, which I know sounds strange but I definitely felt like there would be no future for me and honestly I keep questioning how I survived the last months, making me feel like I shouldnt be alive because the feelings were so surreal. I cant stop thinking that this shit is something supernatural and keep questioning if people had already commited suicide if they would have been in my shoes, what freaks me even more out.
But I have no clue how to get out of that hole at all. I am depressed and scared to death. I dont know, this is just a nightmare and I am 19.
Everytime I think about me as a person, I get a feeling of doom: who is "I', why am I still alive? Etc. It is terrifying.
Unknown mental illness?!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish there was a way to cut off all my friends. I don't want to keep hurting them or make them worry everytime my idiotic brain decides it wants to kill itself.
I don't want them to feel like they have to keep working over and over again just so that I don't do something drastic.
I love them more than I do myself, but I wish they would stop caring so the hurt wouldn't be as much.
I want to suffer alone.
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self.depression
|
I couldnt do it Sorry everyone I pussied out. I'm forced to another miserable day of misery
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self.SuicideWatch
|
i want to live, but it's not possible. I want to live. I want to be happy again (I haven’t felt happiness since I was a child), but I don’t think I can. I cannot afford therapy, medication, or even a simple doctor’s visit because I do not have medical insurance. I have tried to do self-help books, yoga, meditation, etc. but these are hard to maintain because I have periods of highs and lows and when I am in a low my lack of motivation becomes impossible to overcome and I halt any routine I had begun and sabotage myself. I want to live like people I see and have a fulfilling life, but I cannot reach it, it is just a world I can look into and not participate in. I just wish I could be a better person, a normal person. It sounds stupid but sometimes I dream of having a dinner party in a lame apartment where I have a boyfriend, friends, and a generally content life. It is sad really because I know this daydreaming of impossibilities is nothing but frivolous entertainment but I still have the ideas. Lately the loneliness and pain of life is too much and I realize that my hopes to be happy and loved are never going to happen and so even though I would love to live I feel like I have to die. There is just nothing for me on this earth. I am old (I would have turned 28 next month) and am just not functional. I’m sorry for posting here but I have no friends to talk to and wanted perspective or something, I don’t know. Thank you very much if you read this.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I..just want it to end...Any ideas? Hello everyone. I don't normally use reddit, as a matter of fact, this is my first post ever. I simply want to die. I thought it all through, and there is simply nothing to live for anymore (for me at least). I'm a fucking loser and my existence is a flaw. I fuck up everything and I'm simply just not good enough...Any ideas on how to kill myself quickly? Without firearms? (painless of course)
EDIT: I'm a 16 year old high school junior with a 2.1 to a 2.7 GPA. I have no real talents.I have no intellectual, athletic or any other useful skills. Only reason I'm still kicking is because of my friends. I'm fortunate enough to possess a good group of friends that try steer me away from suicide. However, I myself have completely lost all hope for future happiness or success. I want my worthless life to end soon. Sorry for all the information at once...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Thank you. I've been a part of this sub for quite some time. I've posted once and have been a long time lurker. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here. In my weakest moments I know I'm not the only person in the world on this rollercoaster of life. I have been denying my diagnosis for the past year. I didn't want to be labeled anymore. I just chalked up all of my emotional outbursts as trauma and was done with it. No matter how much I want that to be true, it never will be. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago and did hold some form of treatment for a while. After months and years I felt like i was getting no where and decided it just simply wasn't true. Today I am beginning my journey again to treatment. The past 3 days I have woken up and immediately begin to cry. I've been able to pull myself out of bed but not able to do much more. I've been calling in sick at work which only adds to the depression and stress. Atleast yesterday I was able to force myself into the shower. The past couple of months have been rough. I had a manic episode which lead to become aggravated at my boyfriend and throwing all of his things out into the street and telling him to leave. I didn't want that. I felt possessed by emotion. It resulted in him moving out of state. I resented him and blamed him when In actuality all the blame is on me.i created that mess and I know there is nothing I can do to fix it. I can apologize but it wont do much and i shouldnt try. I'm stuck in a position that I feel I will never escape and I need help. I want to be able to wake up in the morning without thoughts of dying or worse going out and doing something dangerous just for the thrill. Seeing the members of this sub has opened me up again to accepting who I am. I can't ignore feelings anymore or the chemicals thag control them. I can't pretend. Thank you for having the strength and sharing it with this community. Sorry for the ramble.
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self.bipolar
|
Nothing I do is worth anything to me. I have spent 16 years of my life in education in Britain. I got 4As, 5Bs and a C. My response: I came home, handed my parents the GCSEs and then went upstairs and continued to work on a map of a fantasy world. It was nothing, just some letters. I achieve high in a subject and it feels like a fluke. I fail a test and it's all my fault. Every other thing in my life follows this pattern. I succeed and it's a fluke, I fail or suffer and it's my own. My ex-girlfriend cheats: I blame myself. My friends leave: I blame myself. I have somebody upset near me: It's me. I'm fully responsible for my failures. I'm usually the first to put my hands up and say "Hey I'm the pretentious cunt here." or "I'm the one who fucked up". But why does my success feel almost as sour. I eat healthily for a day: 'Well I should have been eating like that all the time.", I cheer somebody up: That was just the right thing to do not some greatly chivalrous act.
Maybe I'm just a stuck up twat with first world problems.
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self.depression
|
Is it hypersensitivity or the beginning of a panic attack. I got today to the hobby shop I frequent, just to pay a visit, I have had a rough weekend.
But instead of cheering me up it gave me a worse mood. Like having a hobby was a waste that I had wasted time and money.
Then it turned into worse, as if this a bigger waste, is my hobby harming the environment (miniature games) should I have had it? why? Like destroying the environment on a frivolity(?)
It is not the first time it happens but not this quick. It's gone now but this fucking sucks!
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self.offmychest
|
How do you manage irritability? Communication problems with SO. A constant point of friction between me and my boyfriend is communication. We're still in the early stages of figuring out things about this disorder and how to manage it on a day to day basis, but there are a few things that have recurrently come up.
He keeps asking "How do I talk to you when you're ______?" And I keep saying "Say this, say that", and when he tries to in those situations, I snap at him and get upset with him for speaking condescendingly... or trying to, as I see it, kill my vibe.
Some examples:
* Him: What do I say when it sounds like you're not understanding simple sentences? Me: Ask "Are you having difficulties." Him: I did, and you told me to stop talking to you like a child.
* Him: What do I say when you're hypomanic and super up? How can I get you down? Me: I really don't know. I don't know what you can say because I'll just get angry that you're trying to bring me down. I don't **want** to stop. I don't want my energy to go down. Him: That's not acceptable. Me: I wish I had something better to say.
I talked to him today about some of the language processing difficulties that I have that are tied to the condition, and I'm going to be sending him some more info on that later today, but I'm sure this problem isn't limited to just me... Does anyone have any tips?
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self.bipolar
|
Depression has become my reality IDK why I'm posting anything; I guess I just need to vent. They say to just keep positive and hope things get better, but there comes a point where you just have to accept that things aren't going to change. I used to be a christian, but I realized it's all fake- especially when you're gay and they reject you out of hand. I don't have any IRL friends left. The people I have managed to meet tell me they "have enough friends already". At first I thought it was a one off, but after hearing it many times over, I've accepted that they're just being nice. I don't really have anything in common with anyone anymore. I just bide my time until it's either time to sleep or time to go to work again. I've really got nothing to look forward to anymore. Killing myself isn't really an option. Maybe I'm just too stubborn to do it, but part of me doesn't want to hurt my family because I know they don't understand.
I suppose depression is the loss of hope. Not having hope that anything will get any better and accepting that it is my reality seems to make it bearable. It's just the way things are and there's nothing I can do to change it.
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self.depression
|
I’m sitting at the top I’m sitting at the top of a parking garage, counting my minutes.
You’ve helped me in the past on different accounts. Thank you. I’m not sure why i’m posting, maybe a final cry for help.
Goodbye.
EDIT: Campus police saw me up there. I’m safe now. Will update with more details when I have more time.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Something that I always say "Falling in love is like selecting vegetables from a stall you always pick up the one which are the glossiest and appealing from the outside and ignore the dull ones and leave them for someone else's choice but no one ever touches it....time goes by and it starts to rot and ends up in a bin as if it never existed in the first place...same goes for us we judge a man by the way he looks even if his moral is infested by malice and disregard those who truly value the true meaning of it and in the end this people just exist and die with no one else to share their emotions with...our body is the one on scale not our heart"
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self.depression
|
What are some things that calm down during a manic or hypomanic episode?
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self.bipolar
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This is the first time I feel like I might do it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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"Therapy" making things worse Last appointment I was told I'm not happy because I haven't found my "thing" yet and I need to try a bit of everything before I get better. Basically "you're lazy and don't do anything, no wonder you're sad."
I said I found my passion years ago and I lost any enjoyment from it. She said I grew out of it and need to find something new. And here I thought losing enjoyment from things was a symptom of the thing THEY diagnosed me with. I can't even begin to describe the fury I felt. So I just 'grew out of' the biggest passion I've ever felt? So that spark I felt planning my career, my future, the hours I spent daily in practice and was happy about it, that was all childish? So all I need to do is stop being lazy and go out and do things, huh?
Then how the fuck is this an illness?
Two medications so far and I stopped them both cold turkey at the maximum dose because they did nothing. And guess what, there was no withdrawal.
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self.depression
|
Literally living torture Sleep deprivation is a widely used torture method. I have had sleep problems for years, and since January this year I've been sleeping an average of 3 hours a night. I'm 19. I have been paying for a private sleep therapist. Part of the therapy is that I must absolutely stick to a regular time when I am in the bedroom. This involves getting up at 7 even if I haven't slept at all.
Daily I have recurring headaches, feel exhausted, irritable and unable to focus. Sometimes I feel my sanity is sleeping away.
Nobody understands what I go through. On the surface I don't look like I have an illness, but inside I am willing to give a limb to cure this problem. I have even taken leave from university because of it. All my friends abandoned me, and I have to suffer alone.
I have had this problem for such a long time at times I despair and just wish someone would come and suffocate me.
There are times I hope that I will find the right therapy eventually, but hope doesn't take away the physical pain of now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I took 400mg of tramadol. This was a few hours ago. I’m vomiting now. Will I die? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Fear of flying Hello, around two years ago I was pretty low on my life with severe anxiety and getting panic attacks, thankfully I managed to overcome some of my problems, but still a very anxious person as I've always been, the thing is that I have a flight tomorrow, I've had the tickets since 2 months ago and never really thought about it in a negative way until last week, all it took to make me fear of flying was he thought of "what if I was terrified of flying" and since then I can't get it out of my mind, I need some help here I don't know what to do, I absolutely HAVE to make that flight, is there some food that I can take to make me less anxious? medication? anything?
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self.Anxiety
|
I hate this life and i dont have any hope Hello guys i’m not sure this is the right place
To say this but i cant find the light and the hope
I want someone to understand me everything
Goes wrong in my life
First the collage in my country didnt accept me
Then my mom and dad want to divorce
And now i’m dealing with my cat sickness he was my only hope and happens left and he is very sick and sleep in the hospital the fever wont go down 💔
This week was my hardest days i cry alot no body understand me my head get heart from thinking alot i just want my life back my old me
With everything i love but this is impassible
I just want die before seeing anyone die
From my family and my animal
I cant see any hope everyday is worst than the last day
“ i’m not english person “
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self.depression
|
Just had a dream This was the most vivid dream I’ve had. I was sitting in the park on a bench and some odd stranger just come and asks to sit with me, I replied with “ yeah, of course “ we both sat down and all of a sudden I have a conversation with her. We both got along well and we had a lot in common. The memory is alittle vague but I do recall her wanting to see me again. I had so much fun talking to her. We had so much in common it’s ridiculous but you know that saying “ all good things must come to an end “ well... I just wish I was asleep forever. Reliving that same dream. For the longest time I actually felt happy, like if depression didn’t exist, IT WAS SOO NICE! I’m just soo sad that I had to wake up today and snap back into reality...
Sorry I just wanted to share. Expressing my feelings here helps me with my problems.
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self.depression
|
situational anxiety. me and my girlfriend got together in the middle of january. i love her more than ive ever loved anyone.
we're both seniors in high school, and she's going to colorado state in august. im staying here in illinois. 14 hours from her.
every. single. fucking. time. anyone ever mentions anything about college that's immediately what my mind goes to. and i get super fucking anxious. i feel this excruciating pain in my stomach and this just fucking sucks. she's so excited about it and i want to be excited for her but i just can't and i fucking hate it.
all her siblings are in long distance relationships and my therapist told me she spent time with her husband away from him and it was the best thing to ever happen to their marriage. but i can't help but believe that it's just not going to work. ive been hurt really bad before in the past and i just assume the worst now out of anything and it fucking sucks and i wish i could just believe that this is going to work out and everythings going to be fine but i fucking can't and it's stressful and FUCK.
i feel sick. thank you for listening to my rant.
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self.Anxiety
|
[23 M] Looking for reassurance/Advice I've dealt with anxiety/panic attacks in the past, it started in middle school and i'm now 23. It started with chest pain, numb hands, and inability to breathe, after being rushed to the hospital i was finally told it was anxiety. ( However once i was told this, the serious symptoms basically all went away knowing nothing "serious" was wrong. Fast forward 10 years later (this year) i had a panic attack for absolutley no reason at all during work while laughing with a co worker. Since that event about 3 months ago, ive had nearly every symptom daily. However it all seems to start with my heart rate hovering at 100(Note i have been taking metroprolol since high school for high blood pressure, which i now come to learn is actually a beta blocker, i stopped taking them earlier this year for a few months when i realized i felt tired all day every day, and how great i felt without it, like a brand new person. But after having that panic attack i was so afraid of my heart going crazy i got on them again.) i feel completley fine in my head, playing a video game talking to friends, walking to the train station, no matter what my heart rate sky rockets, and this is what sends me into a frenzy. I basically wake up every morning like this. At this point ive become too afraid to leave my room and its heavily impacting my school work. Ive gone to the doctors yet they shoo me away rudely and prescribe me xanax they want me to take 3 times a day which i refuse to do ( which is why she was angry and didnt want to see me) On the times i have taking xanax i have felt a bit more relaxed, but palpitations still there. I had an ekg done many years ago so the doctors say im fine on that regard, even tho its been quite a while. They now tell me i dont have high blood pressure, its just the fact that i have constant anxiety that its always running high. In fact, i have a blood pressure monitor at home and on instances when im completley relaxed feeling amazing, my blood pressure is something like 107 over 45 (low diastolic) and my heart rate even dips into the 40's in my sleep. But typically it averages 130 over 60, with my heart alwayd racing. Even if my heart rate is 60 to 70s i can still feel it pounding so hard that my body shakes. Ive never smoked, drank, im 5 11, 170 lbs. And was even starting to go to the gym for a few weeks until this all happened and i dropped it.
Should i just accept this is all due to anxiety? Ive tried supplements, meditating, exercising, ive done it all except psychiatrist. I was never bullied, harmed, or dealt with any serious issues that i feel would have harmed me in any way to be this way. Ive had an extremely stressful and sheltered upbringing, but i doubt any more than the average person. And i would really rather not be on any medication. Or should i keep pestering doctors about it (i have a cardiologist appointment coming up soon)
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self.Anxiety
|
I've been here before. I don't even know where to begin. my life is a mess, i hate it, there are simple basic things i can't seem to do. It's been like this for a while now, I thought I was on the right path then everything got fucked and now I feel I'm too far gone to get back, the amount of work necessary to change myself is so overwhelming. I'm in therapy, started earlier this year when the pain was just too great, sort of a last ditch effort to get help. waking up every morning and as soon as your eyes are open, beginning to think about how your life sucks, you're all alone, and you wake up in so much emotional pain, it feels physical but I know it's not, it's stress induced. through out the day the suicidal ideation continues, just recently learned about emotional flashbacks, I probably have those. And after surviving the day, you fall asleep crying, still alone, I haven't changed anything, still broken, still hopeless.
Me now: 34 years old, living at home, unemployed since jan 2008 really, i've found work since then, odd jobs, had a job flipping burgers next to a pool at a hotel the summer of 2008 but that was just a job I took to decompress from college, graduated 2008 as well, was let go, from a job that sucked but had decent pay, the day after my last final. last girl I dated was 2007, after her I needed a break from relationships as she was quite broken and could be emotionally abusive. kinda what I attract I guess.
History: I grew up in a dysfunctional family, parents fought all the time, long history of generational trauma, and my parents probably should have never had kids. It really fucked me up.
I don't want to make this so long no one reads it, I'm just in so much pain still, have had a few EMDR sessions but there's so much work I need to do on myself, I feel like I'm going to disappoint my therapist, I get that I need to be the one to change my life, she's just there to help and support me as best she can, I just don't feel strong enough to. I know what I need to do, start exercising more, find work, get my life back on track, I just don't know how.
So much more in my head, too much, I just wish it would all go away.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Not looking for a diagnosis, not trying to identify symptoms, but a lot of people have directed me here. So basically ever since I could retain memory (3-4 yrs), I've had these random bursts of really intense euphoria that last anywhere from a second or less to like 15 minutes (once or twice). It'll usually happen several times throughout the day, seemingly randomly.
It generally happens episodically, in that I'll have these bursts a few times a day for anywhere from a few days to months at a time. I never have a negative rebound after, I usually just return to how I was feeling before.
And it's so weird cause in this state of mind, my thoughts are extremely altered, yet I'm almost never affected outwardly. Sometimes it'll give me a minor erection but that's all. It doesn't affect my speech, motor skills, behavior, anything. However it puts my brain in a spot that's similar to how you feel when you're about to have some like, really bomb sex: you're breathing is a little labored, your hands sweat, and your mind feels clouded but sped up 100× as well. Like my thoughts get really fast, and very very empathetic. More on the actual sensation later, point is it affects my thought process in a similar way to a psychoactive drug.
The sensation itself can be described as intense feelings of happiness, love, peace, contentment, empathy and submission. By submission I just mean acting submissive in general. The feeling varies in intensity but is almost always incredible. Better than any drug I've had, and that's saying something, I used to be an opiate addict lol. It's similar to MDMA, but without all the speediness and teeth clenching. It causes a very pleasant tingling sensation deep in my lower abdomen that sometimes spreads to my groin and eventually the head of my penis. Other than that though I don't feel any spontaneous tactile sensations, nor does it have any physiological effects that I've observed (save: mild erections). When i was very young, i used to call the feeling "my rocketship feeling". Very very infrequently, it can cause my hearing and visual acuity to intensify, colors get slightly brighter. It should probably be noted that during these "episodes", I also experience paranoid thinking and audio hallucinations more frequently than normal.
I'm not diagnosed with anything empirically. I've received a few labels. A psychiatrist at a mental health clinic when I was like 8 said I was Schizoaffective (bipolar-schizophrenia in the then current DSM) but even in his own hospital he was largely regarded as a quack. Then a few times it was ADD/ADHD, then a bit later at 16 it was standard depression.
So all in all my case is a bit of a mixed bag. I digressed quite a bit but I hope I provided enough information. Like I said I'm not looking for a diagnosis, I just want your guys' thoughts and to maybe see if anyone else has experienced this.
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self.bipolar
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I Just Want to Feel Normal I’ll try to make this as short as possible, I swear....
And please bear with me. I know this is overwhelming and a lot is jumbled, but I have no other outlet....
I’m so tired of living.
I’m not suicidal by any means, and I’m not talking about ending my life or anything, but I’m so TIRED of living in the mental state that I’m in.
I can’t afford a therapist, and the ones that have been recommended because they work with your income are awful....
My depression didn’t hit until after my first child was born almost three years ago. Since then, I have been a WRECK, but have gotten much MUCH better over the course of the years. I’ve been on Celexa (60mg) for about a year which helped tremendously, but had to do away wth it once I hit my third trimester of this pregnancy (I’m currently 21 weeks).
ALL OF THESE SYMPTOMS happened before I got pregnant a second time, and have been intensified since becoming pregnant...
—I’m constantly moody. My emotions change with the drop of a hat.
—I’m constantly wondering why my husband stays with me (he is a GREAT GREAT supporting, caring lover) and am always thinking he deserves better
—I hate waking up on the weekends because I feel like I have no purpose (my almost-three year old is pretty easy to manage despite being rambunctious)
—I am too self conscious to even get out and do something if I know the place I want to go to will be crowded
—I have NO motivation to do anything. Walking to get some fresh air? Nope. Getting out of the house just for a moment to change scenery? Not a chance.
—Everything that I try to do I have NO attention span to continue.
Ive tried reading, cross stitching, writing, adult coloring books, ANYTHING to make my life seem more interesting and pleasurable....and I just can’t stick to anything.
I’m sorry. I know this post is all over the place. I don’t even know where to start.
I just wish that I had SOMEONE to talk to to set me straight Nd to encourage me. My husband tries his best and he does a GREAT job, but he has no idea what it feels like....
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self.depression
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Exercise and depression? Does anybody have experience with combating their depression with excercise?
I've been trying to get the willpower to buy a gym-membership, though this is the type of thing I would do with a friend.
An old buddy of mine was training to join the army, and invited me to go to the gym with him (this was ages ago). It was so much easier, having peer-support, somebody who could spot you on the weight bench, introduce you to new excercises, etc.
I live in a new city, with no friends, and my social-anxiety is hindering me. I'd have to walk half an hour just to get there, and wouldn't begin to know where to start. I HATE walking alone.
The personal trainers cost $30 per hour, which I cannot afford.
I HAVE found some good exercises on interest though.
Any help is appreciated.
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self.depression
|
Ever feel like you don’t deserve to feel better? Like you have to meet certain criteria you set for yourself, usually extrinsic in nature, before you think you can allow yourself to feel okay with yourself? Like, oh no, no self-confidence for you until you lose 20 more pounds. And that’s just a maybe. Or, I’ll allow you to be happy with yourself for a little bit if you get that promotion or award or whatever.
I mean, I like to set goals for myself. There’s nothing wrong with that. But when I make it all pretty much be tied to my self-worth, it all becomes tiring and I shut down.
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self.depression
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Don't want to take citalopram. It sorta helps but it's not a cure is It?
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self.Anxiety
|
What do you do at night when you're very anxious and need to fidget and don't feel great? I'm watching youtube videos to try to take my mind off of it, but it's not really working this time.
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone have tips for a really bad day ? Ya know days when you get up and your mind doesn't want to cooperate with you . Your body feels sort of okay but it feels like your brain is running at 1/7 processing power
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self.depression
|
Visualization Is it normal to visualize killing yourself while laying bed and think, "Yea, I can see it"?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Help me please My mind is tearing itself apart. My mind tells me that nobody cares about me and that everyone is just trying to use me. So I push EVERYONE away, even the people that do genuinely care about me. I have become very aggressive lately, my anger just explodes at times and it won't stop. I burden people with my problems, people have a life to live and I feel like I just weigh people down. Everyday that goes by is another regret, my life is nothing but total escapism wether its video games, anime, music. I just want it to stop. I feel like I'm drowning, and the thing is I don't know if anybody see's me, maybe they do but they don't care. And then once in a while I feel ok, but it feels so weird to be ok, almost like its not right. So I self sabotage my self. Thats one of the real kick in the balls about depression, its the fact that there is just enough of comfort in the familiarity to keep me in. You know sometime I joke about dying, I will be with my friends and jokingly say "wow Im just gonna KMS", or "haha kill me" but Im not really gonna go through with it because of my anxiety. My mind is a war zone, a lot of times I think about a future without me in it. I don't want to die, I just want to be at peace, I want to feel like happiness is not a million miles away. I have been strongly thinking about admitting myself to a mental hospital because Im scared of myself. I also don't want to put my friends through that. Im also scared of the afterlife, now please don't give me a whole rant on why there is no afterlife. This reason is really keeping me alive. I feel like i don't have the right to be depressed. There are people in this world who have it so much worse that I do. Life is supposed to be a gift but it doesn't feel like that.
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self.depression
|
Wellbutrin and alcohol Does anyone else get wicked hangovers with Wellbutrin?
I’m talking a strong headache in the morning after two glasses of wine, not heavy drinking at all.
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self.bipolar
|
I just want to wish you all Merry Christmas Hey guys I'm a bit tired, I still haven't slept for 24 hours but before going...
For those that are feeling alone, for those that are feeling pressured to achieve something, for those that are working very hard and politely, for those that can't sleep well, for those that might been crying some minutes ago, for those that are waiting for resolutions, for those that are doing their best for everything and everyone.......I really want to wish you all Merry Christmas, because, HERE, united we are stronger.
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self.offmychest
|
I feel like a failure because I can’t control my body I have chronic fatigue and a few stomach conditions that affect my diet and cause me severe, agonizing stomach cramps. I’m seized by severe mood swings and panic attacks despite seeing a therapist, trying new medication, new diet, my supportive family, and a healthy environment. I can’t sleep. I can’t stay awake. I have to run to the bathroom every so often and am sick all the time. I can’t eat the food I want to. My boss is understanding so far, but I’ve had to leave on more than one occasion because I was falling asleep or too sick to work. I’ll be in the bathroom for twenty minutes because I have to, and I have coworkers knock on the door to tell me i have to either leave the bathroom or go home. It makes it feel like it’s all my fault, like I’m not trying hard enough. A coworker on chemotherapy came in every day and never took a day off. Why can’t I just deal with it? Why can’t I just sit through the pain like she does? I’m so exhausted. I just want to be able to suck it up and that I don’t deserve everything because I can’t.
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self.offmychest
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My biggest struggle with BP is probably that I go into full "fuck my boss" mode sometimes Like when I get depressed, I think "Oh, I can't keep a job, I'm pathetic.", but it's not that I *couldn't* keep a job, it's that I had shitty bosses in shitty companies, and hypomanic me has 0 tolerance for that
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self.bipolar
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i just want to die I don’t know why though. I feel like i want to kill my self. I am going to hang myself in a few days i think
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self.SuicideWatch
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Bad times coming to an end A month and a half ago, I (F, 20, UK) lost my job, and the guy that I was and still am sort of in love with, all in the space of a few days, and along with ongoing family issues, I couldn't cope and tried to end my life.
Obviously, I didn't succeed, and I've come to realise that I am happy about that. Obviously the fact that I don't have a job is stressing me out a fair bit, but I'm still in a good place.
I am leaving the city that I live in to get away for a while, going to spend Christmas with the family. I've also been speaking to someone new. He came into my life, and has made me so incredibly happy. Helping me move on, and when I told him about my mental health issues he said that it didn't bother him, and I just needed to let him know how to help when or if the time arises.
I feel a lot lighter, and happier and mentally, I'm in a much better place.
Just wanted to let it all out, thank you for reading if you do!
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self.Anxiety
|
Wonder why I don't spend time w/ you guys You messed up my medical practice. You messed up my interest in violin. Anything that I can do to contribute to this world is being forsaken. Great job. You taught me to be apathetic pieces of s*it just like you! Not mad. But seriously would see why, can see why God would destroy the human race during revelations (whenever it is).
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self.offmychest
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Random deadline anxiety I'd consider myself to be incredibly socially anxious person but outside of social situations I've never really experienced general anxiety, but damn, I swear I'm starting to get anxious more and more of the time.
I'm in university, and when I check my student emails I can pinpoint the moment my heart beat starts to speed up and thud harder before my emails pop up.
Just hearing the word assessment stresses me out because I automatically assume it's a piece of work I've forgotten about or didn't know existed.
The worst part is that every few days or so, out of nowhere, I get this random immense flood of fear that one of my deadlines is due in that same day. I get dizzy, hot, feel sick and can't concentrate on anything else but this looming feeling.
The only way I can get rid of it is by triple checking that a deadline isn't due, but if I can't access my laptop or the internet this dread just builds and I'm stuck in this tunnel vision feeling.
I can be 99.9% sure that nothing's due but I get myself in such a state. This stuff never happened a year ago.
Are these proper panic attacks? I always thought panic attacks were so bad you'd think you were dying but this is more like sudden mega-stress or something.
[EDIT] Literally just saw a post explaining that not all anxiety attacks are like I thought they were, whoops.
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self.Anxiety
|
The suicidal thoughts are back I feel fucking worthless
I'm definitely in love, for the second time, with a girl that's been a close friend of mine for about 4 years now
I knew back then and know now that she doesn't like me in that sort of way, and I accepted it
2017 has been one of the worst years of my life and my medication apparently doesn't work anymore
She's a very busy person, has a lot of friends, is always going out and such
We barely see each other, but when we manage to it's always fantastic
Now that I'm in love with her all over again, I feel like the biggest cunt ever
I keep bothering her to try and meet up, even if for a brief hour or less, I feel like seeing her would make me feel much better, like it always does
And whenever she says she already has plans, it feels like I'm being torn in half
I can actually feel a void, a physical void deep inside me, draining away all of my will and energy
If I truly love her I should be happy to see her enjoying herself and hanging out with her friends
I'm a selfish, worthless waste of oxygen
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Best Books You've Read I'm looking to gather a reading list. If you have a book that's helped you overcome or helped you manage your anxiety - then let us know.
One book that nailed it for me after going through a few books was.
Hope and Help for Your Nerves - Dr. Claire Weekes
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self.Anxiety
|
Lowest Point and worried I'm going lower Hello all. I am a 19 year old freshman in college in the worst mental state I have ever experienced. I have always struggled with anxiety my whole life but for the past 6 months it has started becoming unbearable.
It all started to begin back in June, after a night of smoking weed. I had been a occasional smoker for a year or two, only smoking maybe about once a month. After I went to bed that night, I woke up at around 5 am with an awful panic attack. I felt like I wasn't inside my body and I felt like someone was controlling. I managed to fall back asleep, but the next morning I woke up, everything seemed cloudy.
Ever since then I feel like I've been in a cloud and I have the weirdest fear of talking and hearing my voice. It is starting to become debilitating and I can hardly take it anymore.
Recently I have noticed that I can't even get a break in my thoughts. Every time I try to picture something in my head, it like my brain tries to think of how I made that image in my head and I become very scared. It feels like it's impossible to put into words some of the stuff I feel, and it feels completely unnatural that I should feel this way. I am now overthinking everything I do, from swallowing, laughing, and even thinking. I feel like I am slowly shutting down and I will be completely consumed by this illness soon. Please help me. I want to talk, laugh, and think as I once did. Thank You
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self.Anxiety
|
Everyone hates me I hate being so emotional. i love so hard. i bought new razors and have been drinking a lot more lately and going out hoping someone hurts me. I’m so alone. always. i’m hard to be around. i’ve attempted twice and i know i could do it this time. i just need one more push to do it. anything. i feel like it’ll happen soon
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Need some suggestions to make time pass i didn't get selected to take my exams this semester because i missed to many assignments, so now i don't know what to do with my sparetime, i don't have many friends here and would like to now if you have any suggestions to make time pass til next semester starts. mainly movies, tv shows and such,books etc
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self.depression
|
I feel Hallow and Empty. I feel so empty. Hallow. Purposeless. I guess I have depression but I hate saying that, as it feels like I'm undermining the people who actually serious depression.
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It's not too surprising, my mother and sister both have it, and I have anxiety. (My therapist says they go hand and hand) I hate getting up. I stay up late because it's the only time I actually get to myself. And then I sleep in. And then I'm upset at myself because the day is half over.
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I'm very introverted. Most of my anxiety is social anxiety. Because of this, I don't go out and hang with people. I never understood how people could go out with friends and have a good time. Whenever I'm around a 'friend' I'm just uncomfortable, no matter what we're doing. I don't have friends, but I don't really mind that much. Like I said, I'm always uncomfortable with people so it's nice. But sometimes I get lonely. Really lonely.
I wish I knew other people, other friends, maybe even a girlfriend or something, but I know deep inside that I actually don't want that. I'm always uncomfortable around everyone, I don't actually to be around more people.
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I'm a computer animation student at Full Sail, through their online program. I get good grades, but I don't feel like I'm anywhere close. I graduate next year, and I feel so unprepared. I don't feel good enough to get a job in this.
I like to draw and video edit but I hate calling myself an artist. It feels egotistical; I don't think I've created anything that should be considered art. It's so hard to do this now. The pen is heavy, I have no inspiration, I just feel like I'm getting nowhere.
I almost wish I could give up on all this, it's just been too much lately. But I've spent literally my whole life devoted to this, and I would have nothing if I quit.
-
I hate talking about myself, maybe because no one listens. Whenever I talk about something/add something to a conversation, I always get the classic "Yeah..." while they're looking away. When I notice this, I just stop talking in the middle of a sentence, and no one notices.
I hate feeling like this; empty and depressed. It makes to feel so ungrateful, my life is awesome! I have a family that loves me, a place to sleep, financial stability, great grades, it frustrates me that I can't be happy.
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I always see those tweets where someone is like "I love you, stay strong!" or "I will always be there for you!" to all of their followers. Really? You care about me? One generic miserable person, who won't even reply to your tweet, because he knows that you won't bother responding to any of the thousands of responses?
I like to follow artists with low followers because I have a crazy delusion that we maybe I could be their friend. I like to respond and comment on there stuff because they're the only ones who respond and make me feel noticed. I feel so manipulative and gross about it, especially when the artist is female because it makes me feel like some sort of creeper stalker.
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I'm just looking anywhere for a connection of some sort, but nobody cares. And why should they?
This is why I'm writing this. I don't know what this is, a cry for help, a rant, venting, a stupid post that will get buried. But I need to write this out. It has no place in my life, so I need to dump it all somewhere.
That's one reason why I'm using a throwaway account, I don't want this connected to me in any way, I don't want people to know this. I know I'm ruining my life by staying inside, but at this point, I can't imagine the future being any better, so I figure I might as well do what makes me happy now.
The other reason is because I don't want this to be seen an advertisement or a post to try and get pity points and sympathy. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I just want to feel something.
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Thanks for reading this, sorry it's so messy and disjointed. I'm going to bed right after posting this, so I won't be able to respond to any comments until I wake up.
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self.depression
|
I have no one I have no friends. No one likes me. I hate myself because no one likes me. It's so painful to be all alone in this world.
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self.depression
|
I don’t know what’s going wrong I seriously just have no way to explain what I feel is happening to me but I feel like something is going wrong and I need to fix it. I feel like I’m not making sense, even to myself anymore and I’m not sure why. I just feel like I’m losing “myself” and I feel like I never really knew myself to even begin with. I think that even if I did have myself I wouldn’t know I was okay. I really want to be able to continue functioning like I used to. What’s wrong?
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self.depression
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Fast&Painless Im not going to do it now but if it comes to the point where i cant handle the torture whats the most readily available and painless and quick way out?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Took a sudafed instead of a benadryl so I guess I’m staying awake today. Wish me luck. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Completely failed midterm I was feeling suicidal for a few days. Came off that then got the flu. Had to take a midterm for my English class today. In-class essay. I couldn't think at all. Couldn't even write a thesis. Halfway through I just asked the professor if I could leave with a 0, because there's no way I'm going to be able to write anything. I'll have to talk to him in office hours before next class (in 2 days). It's pretty unlikely at this point that I'll even pass the class. The professor's actually really amazing but I just can't think. I have no mental energy. I can't even focus on the things I used to like, let alone writing.
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self.depression
|
Broken. Bleeding. I think of you Babyface Good bye [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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You're hot Penetrate my ass if you'd like to.
Thanks.
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self.offmychest
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No idea how to handle a breakup. Forgive me if that makes me sound like a chump. I can't help how I feel. I know my issues pale in comparison to many others. But I'm really struggling right now. I went through a mutual break up a few months ago. We remain friends in spite of the breakup. It was long distance and it was just getting difficult so we called it quits. We had been long distance for 4 years and it was gonna be at least another 4 or 5 years long distance. And I have been struggling with that. She was my rock and helped me through so many tragedies in my personal life. Taught me so much about everything, gave me such great confidence. She truly was my best friend. And now she is with someone else after about 5 months. And I feel so worthless. I always felt unloved before her. And seeing her move on so quickly makes me feel like I still am that worthless person. I've resorted to stalking her current boyfriend and all her previous ex's. Super pathetic I know. But I'm searching for some inkling that I was different. I need to know that out of all the guys she's dated, I hold some significance. The thought that I am just dust in the wind to her just eats me up inside. Like we had plans to get married one day, we were so madly in love. And she moved on so quickly while I can't? I don't understand that. Why do I feel this crushing sense of hopelessness and inadequacy while she gets to be happy? I want her to be happy, but the fact that I am just nobody to her now is freaking heartwrenching. If all of this just sounds pathetic then feel free to let me know. I called the suicide hotline an hour ago. I don't feel I'm at that point yet, but honestly if these feelings persist then I'm not sure what I'll do. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that these feelings will recede, but they have yet to do that. Please somebody just help me see the light.
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self.depression
|
I feel incredibly ... dumb. Did I waste the last five years of my life? How was I so stupid to do this. I told myself I wouldn’t put myself in another relationship where I “lose myself” and yet, here I fucking am again. And I’m at the age where many people have finally gotten it together and found their long term partner. Now I find out all this shit that is the complete opposite of what I *thought* was going to happen. Was I so stupid to listen and fall for this? The answer is yes. I feel so dumb. I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never so blindly thought you were the smartest greatest most interesting person I had ever met. I know I have my own shit, but I can’t help but somehow feel TRICKED by you and your stupid words. I wish I had never followed you like a dumb stupid puppy. You are so full of shit and I yearn for the day when everyone else sees it too. The only silver lining I can gain from this experience is that I hope to God I can avoid people like you from now on. I am the world’s biggest fool.
|
self.offmychest
|
I always put pressure on myself, otherwise i will feel uncomfortable. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Should I be in hospital? So my lithium levels have been low for the past three months without me knowing (thanks shitty resident dr) and it’s caused some mood swings. I’m currently on day 13 of a down swing plagued by urges to self harm (which I gave into) and mild psychosis. Earlier this week the suicidal ideation started and I went to my dr and she said it was either hospital or home watch with my mom/dad. I chose home watch. Thing is, second appointment I had managed to self harm again even on home watch and now I’m feeling suicidal again.
I’m scared I’m going to act on it if an emotion gets too strong. Should I be in hospital?
|
self.bipolar
|
Why am I like this? I go to therapy. I talk to a couple of supportive friends. I moved away from my horrible parents. Despite failing a semester in University, things were getting better.
Now I'm watching myself waste days away instead of finding a job so I can pay rent. I'm sad all the time and I don't use any of the tools my therapist gave me to stop self harming. I don't listen to my friends. I don't fight the thoughts anymore. I've started thinking about suicide more and more. One of my friends said if I don't start getting better soon, then I'm just doing this for attention. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. I don't want to die but I feel like I'm forcing myself into a situation where that's the only thing left to do.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I just don't want to be afraid of pain anymore [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I woke up this morning feeling worse. I couldn't get myself out of bed for twelve hours.
I've been crying and listening to Against Me! for the past four hours and my ears are staring to hurt.
My eyes are sore from the crying.
And they said this year was gonna be better.
|
self.depression
|
Tried to overdose on clonzepam last night As you can see... I'm still here. I guess it wasn't enough, and now I'm just left sad and disappointed.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Actually making positive progress in 2018, despite my depression... In 2017, I decided to set some realistic goals to achieve in 2018 and I wanted to share that I'm actually achieving those goals. I wanted to practice my violin and cello more frequently and I've done that since Dec 27th.
I'd assumed (by previous attempts and fails) that my ass would be knocked down by another week or month long bout of depression, fatigue, self-loathing, disappointment, and crying but I've actually practiced so much and it's improved my mood too.
This semester's grades are a literal garbage fire and I haven't taken a shower in several weeks, but I'm just glad I can say I'm faithfully pursuing something and haven't been beaten up by depression like I always am.
|
self.depression
|
Help So my Girlfriend of 8 Years who I have a kid with left me. Which was hard on its own but then she started seeing someone 2 weeks after she moved out. And now they're talking about getting married and getting a house together. I work all the time baking early mornings long days constant unpaid overtime. I hate it but It's the only well payed job I can get with no qualifications. I haven't killed my self yet because my son needs me. But It's so hard just to do normal everyday things. Especially when you see the girl you love with someone else and she talks about how much better than me he is. And they take my son out and do family stuff. It's hard hearing about it. It's like someone's come and taken my family from me. My son needs me but I'm struggling to stay alive. Any tips to help me get through this?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Who else feels like they're just wasting their life? I just sit on laptop/phone all day and basically kill time. Rinse and repeat. There was a time when I was actually productive and excited about life and the possibilities it has to offer. Now it kills me to hear people say I have so much potential when all I do contributes absolutely nothing to myself or the world around me :(
|
self.depression
|
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