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Planning events without stability?? I got talked into celebrating my birthday for once. For a minute, I thought this was a great idea. Literally, for just a minute, or at least long enough to send out invites.
Now, I'm dreading this immensely.
It was supposed to be intimate, and I foolishly let a friend co-host (also her birthday) and now there will be random people I don't know (and some I know and don't like) and just... Things like this. BP me says "Just hope for hypo!" BPD me says "Shut this bitch down NOW!"
**How does anyone make plans for future things when your mood can go from 0-60mph, or 60-0 in a short amount of time, and you can't predict feeling "normal" on the particular day??**
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self.bipolar
|
Dying young I'm 21, and I really don't want to go on living like this for 50 more years.
Dropped out of a really good college, because I just can't do it anymore. I know if I go back that I'll be too depressed to do anything and just fail out and waste a shit-ton of money.
The few "friends" I had either moved away or went on with their lives. I'm essentially a total loner. I always get picked on and humiliated where ever I go, I guess I give off a vibe of "this kid can be pushed around easily". I feel like everyone hates me, and views me like a second class citizen. I don't think I'll ever be able to have a normal life, or friends or a relationship, no matter how hard I try.
I don't have the motivation to do anything, I can barely get up and eat.
I don't see the point of doing anything because I know life is going to go on like this no matter what I do.
Luckily I still have my parents, but that won't last forever, so I really wanna die before they do.
I would never be able to end it by shooting myself, I just want to shorten my lifespan without living my last days fucked up. Any good ways to shorten my lifespan?
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self.depression
|
STD test anxiety. It's so stupid that this is driving me so crazy. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
AD Military looking for advice Back story on me: I am 23 and an active duty female in the USAF and have been struggling with major depression/mood swings over the last year and a half. I have a family history (mom and her brother) of bipolar disorder. I have been seen by my base’s mental health clinic and a psychiatrist who told me that I have “mild depression at best” and that my symptoms "do not meet his criteria" for a bipolar diagnosis. He and my therapist had me do a bunch of psych testing and at my two-week follow up appointment after the testing, the only thing that had been determined was that I had a major depressive episode over this summer, which I had already determined on my own. I feel as though they are more concerned with retaining me in the military (a bipolar diagnosis would cause me to be kicked out) than actually doing anything to treat my symptoms. I’ve tried 4 different antidepressants over the past year (all either crapped out on me or made me very anxious/irritable) plus buspar (made me extremely irritable to the point of being mean). They currently are treating me by telling me to exercise and crochet… I have talked to several of the doctors I work with and another psychologist who all agree that my symptoms are consistent with a bipolar 2 diagnosis and that I should get a second opinion. So now I’m coming off of what I assume was a hypomanic episode (seven days of feeling like I was bouncing off the walls, decreased sleep, inflated confidence, hyperfixation, restlessness, pressured speaking, irritability) and waiting for my second opinion referral to come through so I can see a different psychiatrist, but I feel so anxious and guilty like maybe my old psychiatrist will think I'm trying to shop for a certain diagnosis and I absolutely am not, I just want to be taken seriously and get some help.
Just wanting to vent/see if anyone else has had prior experience with providers not really taking you seriously especially in the military. Thank you in advance for your time and help. :)
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self.bipolar
|
For all philosophers out there Keep thinking. Keep doing what you love the most. But for the love of god, don't delve too much about the nature of everything. Please, even if it contradicts the basic principles of what you're supposed to do, don't think too deep. Some truths are not worth the while. And I'm not talking about Cosmic shenanigans or Ancient Wisdom mumbo-jumbo.
Ignorance is sometimes your greatest ally in enjoying your life, feeling free and alive and in control. So just don't give it too much thougth, for your own good.
Just enjoy, have a fun time and give that brain a rest.
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self.offmychest
|
I️ just want to meet someone like me Pessimistic and skeptical. Someone who understands pain so I️ do not have to explain why I️ always have a shitty look on my face, even when I am in a good mood. Just something different. I️ know that’s asking so much and that makes me sad. Just saw a quote on here that basically says “loneliness isn’t having no one around you. Loneliness is having no one to share your thoughts or ideas with or having no one that can accept your ideas of the world.”
I’ve been told I️ look like I️ would shoot up a school. That’s just great since I’m really a nice person or at least I️ try to be.
If one person bothered to take the time to get to know me before drawing conclusions from my face maybe shit would be different. Or maybe this is the way shit ought to be.
|
self.depression
|
Do your change in moods cause your personality and worldview to change? How do you guys deal with it? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Being kept like a pet by a woman. I love her but I would like to leave! My life has not been going that well for a while. I had somewhat of a mental breakdown a while back and became homeless (I am somewhat fortunate in that I have a college degree). After looking in ads for jobs for a while, I moved in with a woman and was able to stay at her house for a while in return for doing chores around the house, doing some cooking for her and having sex with her (she takes the active role and I am more submissive).
She was very generous and she gave me an allowance which I have been saving up for when I can eventually move out. However, at times I feel as if I am a bit of a pet, rather than the useful servant I want to be. So, while I really like her I intend to move out as soon as I can and maybe travel around the United States and do work where I can get it. One more thing and that is while she has been very kind to me and she is gentle with me, she has made it clear that she does not want me to leave. She has quite a few BDSM implementss (such as handcuffs restraints and even a cage). While she has used some of these on me (handcuffs) consensually, I am bit worried that if I told her that I intend to leave, she will not be so gentle. I intend to leave one day (probably in a couple of months) when she is out at work (I regret that this will be a breach of her trust) and leave her a goodbye note.
Any please ideas of what to write in the goodbye note? I want to make it clear that I like her and in some ways I love her but I have to go and get to a place where I can find my purpose in life. I am writing this on a library computer and I will come and check the responses tommorow. She trusts me enough to let me leave her house unsupervised so I feel a bit bad about leaving her this way.
When I told her that I would like to leave before she handcuffed me to the bed. And it was not until I apologised for what I had said that I was allowed to be free and then begin leaving the house (with a strict curfew on when to come back).
Advice would be great, thank you.
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self.offmychest
|
Lamotrigine and Caffeine Interaction Short version: Does anyone else seem to have a bad reaction to caffeine when on Lamictal?
Long version: I’ve always been more sensitive to caffeine than most people. Even when in university whenever i was running off of a few hours of sleep a night, I couldn’t handle more than half a cup without getting a bad crash an hour or two later. When I graduated, I cut it out completely because it just made me anxious.
Fast forward two years to working in a high pace corporate field. I had my dosage doubled. Occasionally a pick-me up is required so I’ve gone for some caffeine a few times lately. It has the effects a normal person would experience, but then I have a crash/adrenal response that literally makes me feel like I’m dying.
My heart pounds, I have panic attacks, I get ready to vomit, my bowels move very rapidly, I have weakness, fatigue, etc. These symptoms last for 8-10 hours — far longer than the half life of caffeine which leads me to believe that my Lamotrigine is messing with receptors.
Am I crazy? Has anyone else experienced this? I haven’t been able to link it to other food, medications, lack of sleep, etc.
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self.bipolar
|
I have been on/off with my long distance girlfriend for 7 months, and I believe it has cost me my mental health [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I just need to talk to someone please... I feel like no one cares about me and that I have nothing to live for. I haven’t been this depressed an suicidal in a long time. I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore ive pushed all of my friends away because of the way I am. I don’t have time to see my therapist I work full time and go to school. I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night my anxiety is becoming so much to handle. I feel worthless and pathetic I don’t think I can handle living any longer.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
a poem I wrote (tonight was a bad night, i wrote this. I'm not 100% sure i can post this here, so i apologize if not)
 
coping 11/25/17
 
it used to be dotted lines
dripping out in red
or crescent moons and blue bruises
left by fingernails
 
now its broken hangers,
earbuds breaking eardrums and
words splattered on a keyboard,
empty bottles for an empty mind
 
but that’s only on the worst of nights
when the pot finally boils over
most times there’s a lid
 
starry eyes hide a broken soul;
i say i want them to be mine but really
each clip is a few seconds i live the life
of a kid doing far better than i
 
i can’t scream loud enough to get through,
rooted for hours, stuck to the light
our useful machine is but another drug
gateway to a supplementary life
 
i imagine my grave,
stiff bones still clasping the phone and
suddenly, those blood-slicked burning nights
seem like a dream,
for at least i was alive
|
self.depression
|
Insecurities in high school I hate having such low self esteem in public, at school, around my peers. I'm just constantly thinking about how others percieve me. I always feel like I'm out of place, like I'm doing something wrong all the time and I don't fit in. Everything seems to come so easy for everyone else. Relationships, social interaction, etc. In my head I picture myself fitting in, and I try so hard to feel like everyone else, but no matter what I still feel like externally everyone is more mature than me (if that makes sense) like I'm not supposed to be there.
I know this is mainly attributed to my social anxiety but I just feel like I just haven't accomplished anything significant in high school in terms of personal development. And I don't know if I ever will develop that emotional maturity needed in the adult world. I feel like people percieve me as being naive or a complete nobody. I have a few friends but to everyone else I don't feel worthy. I always think that someone is judging me, like I'm missing something and I haven't figured it out.
I want to have a deeper emotional connection with someone. I just feel alone all the time. I wish people could see more of my personality rather than just blending in as I always have. I want someone to appreciate me for who I am. I wish I could form meaningful connections with people. Because when I try to I end up feeling like I'm being judged. I second guess myself constantly and replay every interaction with people I'm not comfortable with at least 10 times over.
I know this sounds cliche but I wish others would be able to see me the same way I see myself. I think I'm cool. I think I'm interesting. I could be someone. But I'm still stuck at the bottom of the totem pole.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Help I'm Scared Of Getting A Job! So I'm 18 years old and male and I just graduated from high school in June of this year. I have diagnosed SA and ADHD which were both diagnosed when I was young. I'm planning on going to College starting next September but until then my parents want me to work part or full time. The problem is having an actual job is one of my big fears and I've only done volunteering for kids camps up until this point. The only places hiring around me are grocery or department stores but I'm really scared of what they will ask of me and their expectations. I've been putting it off for a month now but I need to send out my resume very soon if I don't want to get in some serious trouble. Please help! Thanks!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Killing myself tonight Currently at work. My shift ends at 9:30. I started having suicidal thoughts again on the 29th of October after months of being "better". I told my boyfriend I bought the rope and that I was having bad thoughts. Basically begging for help or attention or just for him to be there for me. He told me to deal with my depression and then get back to him. He doesn't care. Nobody does. Feeling pretty peaceful at this point. I ordered the rope on amazon and it's been delivered so I guess this is it. I'm going to write a final post on FB. I wrote letters for my boyfriend, my brother, and my mom in my journal that I started writing in on the 29th. I feel numb. I'll be reading responses through the rest of my shift (4 hours left). Bye guys.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Failed My Exams, and Now I Feel Mentally Abused By My Dad. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
No energy to even make an appointment. This is the worst year of my life (rant?). I hate not even having the energy to make appointments with doctors. Even when I plan it and put it on my calendar. I look at it and never follow through.
After changing health plans, I had to leave my last doctor (who was a godsend) and look for a new one. And with the last of my meds, I conjured up the energy to book a visit with one. Little did I know that this psychiatrist ended up being such a huge tool who with zero compassion and patience. So I left. Thus, ruining my chance at continuing treatment.
Since then, I've lost my job, dropped out of community college, and stopped contacting my friends.
I have even worse depression and adhd than before I started meds in the first place because of this.
I feel so hopeless.
|
self.depression
|
Thank you to all the wonderful people at r/depression Thank you all so much for making 2017 an actually bearable year. Just reading how kind and caring you guys are to each other is incredible. It’s amazing how strong some of you are. Pulling through the tough times you’ve all been through. Dealing with your depression or the depression of a friend or family member is a really hard thing to do. Those of you who can actually wake up every morning and do something with their lives are some of the strongest and bravest people I have ever seen. At the end of the day we’re all different people dealing with the same exact problem, depression. I know I don’t know any of you, but I’m proud you fight your depression and I’m so glad that you’re alive. You’re all amazing people. Whether you see it or not. Thank you r/depression for helping me feel better when I’m in a dark place.
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self.depression
|
I might be coming up... wtf do i do Last night i woke up after 3 hours of sleep and felt completely rested. This morning i sent 6 lengthy strongly worded emails back to back to the same person.
Ive been taking my latuda, this should not be happening.
Its the end of term... i absolutely cannot fuck up now. How do i make it stop? And if i cant, how do i keep myself from fucking up? Ive only had one manic episode before but i absolutely ruined my life in 3 months
|
self.bipolar
|
Sometimes I watch some documentaries about proplayers and for some reason I always cry It's so motivating but at the same time I always feel like I threw away my dreams to try to live a normal life doing stuff I don't want to for money I don't need to. Now that I don't have a job and lots of free time I realize I wouldn't be able to reach people who inspired me. I can find a lot of excuses but I still spend most of my time trying not to be bad at stuff I can't get better. I wish I could be good at anything, really.
The worse part is that when I was a teenage my mother actually supported me on that, she truly believed I could reach my dreams and well, here I am taking meds everyday so I won't do anything dumb. Sorry if this post made no sense I just needed to vent a bit
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self.offmychest
|
Little Kids Picking On Me Hey everyone, as ridiculous as it sounds, I have an issue with younger kids picking on me (I'll explain later) and thinking they can get away with it (which they clearly can.) Like last post, I have to apologise for this maybe not being the best place for posting this, but I see this subreddit as way of venting about life problems. For years now I've had this problem with the same kids. Others have jumped on the bandwagon over the years, but it's generally this lot. The kind of things they do ranges from shouting less than nice things at me (the most recent example was telling me to kill myself) to physically hurting me. Like just a few minutes ago during break, when one of them threw a stone at my face when I was walking past. It's usually two or three of them doing these things, only ever when they're in a group. I actually confronted one of them about it through messages, which was a nightmare. I know letting younger kids get away with picking on me is weak of me, but last issue I had with someone (who again, was younger than me) I had to fight. I'm not a fan of violence at all and only did that of over half a year of him saying things to me. I don't want to have to fight anyone again, and certainly not anyone younger as I would feel mean. Of course, I don't want to go to a teacher, because when does that usually help something like this? Not often. Not only that, but I know they'd attempt to make the case that they're just joking (which I can debunk easily, as I've told them to stop in the past and I clearly don't find it funny.) Again, sorry if this isn't the right place for posting this and sorry if I seem like a lost cause. Just being able to get this out makes me feel a bit better. I have to go now, I'm in an ICT lesson. :)
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self.depression
|
[NAW] I've finally come around to creating a postcard and sending in my secret After years and years of reading stranger's secrets every Sunday and saying I will one day send mine in but never doing it, today changes all of that. It's the first of many that I plan on sending in; secrets I plan to let go of and feel lighter.
Little by little I will get stronger. It's a start and I already feel so empowered. This is so exciting and cool for me :))
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self.offmychest
|
If this Sub Form had a meet up Would anyone show up? Or would we all be too anxious?
|
self.Anxiety
|
New here, not to depression Hey all, I'm new to the sub but like the title says not to depression.
Some info about me I guess: I'm a 2o year old married man with a three year old daughter that means the absolute world to me, and I work at a factory 5-7 days of the week.
Lately I've been finding it really hard to find joy in anything, feeling like everything is pointless. I sleep too much, partially due to the fact that I work overnights, and partially I know because I'm slipping back into a bad spot. I am medicated now, though I feel like they aren't working.
This is kind of a pattern for me, I'll come out of a really bad spot and get on meds, they work until they don't seem to anymore so I stop taking them. I'm trying really hard to find something to find joy in but everything is just so grey lately, it's disheartening.
Thanks for listening I guess, hope everyone gets through the holidays ok, I know they're always rough on me.
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self.depression
|
Quetiapine(/Seroquel) positive experiences, anyone? Hi, so I've had a depression dx for about three years now but the doctor has noticed I have symptoms of bipolar (probs type ii) and due to a recent hypomanic episode followed by a sudden crash of suicidal thoughts and depression, he's put me on quetiapine to help 'balance out my wild side' (lol love his phrasing). I'm already on 225mg venlafaxine (effexor xr) which i initially loved but lately hasn't helped my depression, and 80mg propanalol which i take for my chronic sinus tachycardia and hot flushes caused by the effexor.
i took the quetiapine for the first time last night, it's just 25mg but it's made me feel super drunk and loopy, kind of like how i feel on valium? it took two hours to hit and i felt really comfy and sleepy, but waking up this morning i just feel drunk and wired/wide awake but somehow also still feel like i wanna sleep. i definitely understand why they give this to people in suicidal crises, because it's made me feel 10x better in terms of low mood lol, but i'm just wondering how long it will take the drunken feeling to wear off? (Also sorry if I'm rambling, it's also making me feel a bit chatty and funny)
But yeah, basically wanted to know if anyone feels quetiapine helped them in the long run. I've heard too many horror stories of seroquel so don't need to hear any more of that; just want to hear if it can genuinely help people, and in which ways.
|
self.bipolar
|
i make myself suffer without others noticing and in ways that wouldn't hurt anyone if they found out. it's all very subtle, and the way i do it is mainly through poor self-hygiene. it might seem trivial, but it's pretty effective. i currently haven't showered in 5 days, and i feel like garbage inside and out. if someone finds out it's been a while since my last shower, it's whatever. they won't suspect that it comes from a place of self-loathing, and i never let it get so bad that they worry.
i will go without brushing my teeth, washing my face, showering, and changing my underwear for as long as possible without it being super noticeable or causing significant damage to my health. why care about my health? health problems can cost money, and money problems can easily become an issue for my family and not just me. and then of course, i can't have others noticing my poor health and worrying.
i have never been suicidal, would never self-harm, but i make my body hate me in other ways. i don't know how to ask for help because i don't want to make anyone worry about me. does anyone experience something similar? any advice?
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I'm treated like an animal whenever I'm upset. [NAW] I don't know if I'm the problem or if I live in a culture that is suspicious of "grand" displays of emotion (Scandinavia...), but I feel like I always tend to get brutally shot down if I ever get upset.
It can happen if I have a really bad day at work and get home and I'm just quiet and avoiding, if I ever feel treated unfairly, if I'm stressed... The most annoying thing is that most of the time, people have no objections to my feelings per se (as in, no one ever thinks I get unreasonable), but they can't stop making comments about my demeanor, my gestures, my body language, and my facial expressions. Apparently, I start gesticulating a lot, I raise my voice, I speak faster...
This has the effect that whenever I need to talk to people the most badly about my emotions, I can never talk about them, it's always "whoa calm down" or "you know your energy is really unsettling" and other discussions about how I can tone my expressions down.
I feel like I'm treated like a big, unwieldy dog or horse, and while it's usually a blessing to be a large, tall, bearded man, I sometimes wish I could just shrink myself and make myself less imposing, because it feels fucking humiliating just wanting to be understood, only to be met and treated as a weird and inappropriate animal. By your friends.
I'm starting to bottle up more and more because of that.
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self.offmychest
|
I finally got my hair cut and I hate it [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
My brother has struggled with Depression for 3 Years now and I am the complete opposite In the way that we think about things in life. He thinks I am stupid like every other brother but how/what can I do to possibly help him? I miss hanging out with my brother and having fun and it sucks to not being able to understand the way that he feels.
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self.depression
|
At what point do I need professional help. I’m not okay
|
self.Anxiety
|
i feel like everything is a competition because im too insecure with myself [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Looking for advice on helping a loved one with depression. Feeling guilty. I have never been diagnosed with depression, although my girlfriend has. She frequently has periods of extremely low moods that can go on for days or even weeks, and has attempted suicide in the past.
Whenever I see her like this it eats me apart from the inside with guilt, because I feel like it's my responsibility to help her and make her feel better and when I can't I feel like shit. I feel like a failure whenever this happens and I don't know what to do.
Does anyone here know what to do? Or how to help? I hate watching this happen to her and I feel so guilty.
|
self.depression
|
My mind is spiraling after complicated break up and I need advice on how to stop my mind from getting lost. I was in a relationship with a girl in college and we dated for about a month and a half. We both have anxiety and depression so we understood each other well. But I ended things because felt like it wasn't going to work our and we weren't super compatible. I also kept worrying of it was right or not, and that just made my anxiety awful and made me more depressed. She is a great person who is very kind and understanding and quirky.
We remained friends right after without any NC. That was a mistake bc I became emotionally dependent on her and it messed with us both. She kept trying to get back together with me, but some part of me knew it wasn't a good idea or I just needed more time to figure things out.
A month later, I learned she slept with another guy and just got really jealous and freaked out. I tried to get back together with her even though I knew it wasn't a good idea. She said no because it was too late and said I wasn't ready for a relationship, but she still wants to be friends eventually. I think partially I wanted her to end things too bc that month wasn't healthy for us. But I hope we can be friends.
But now I can't stop thinking about her and being jealous and regretting losing her because I've built her up in my head so much that she's a better person than me. And now I think she's seeing someone and she's in my friend group so I see them together. I keep thinking I'm a piece of shit and worthless and I fucked up. I want to stop obsessing but I can't. I blocked her on Snapchat and she blocked me back. I don't look at her social media, but my thoughts are spiraling. I probably won't contact her for a month or so, hopefully I'll be good by then and ready.
I feel like I'm awful because she is in a living learning community who are all proactive in society and I just feel apathetic towards anything and feel more like shit because of that. And I just feel so much jealousy seeing her with someone. It doesn't make sense even though I know we we weren't compatible. But I feel bad bc I lied when I was trying to get her back, and I hope she doesn't think I'm a piece of shit for dragging her along hoping she would wait. How should I let go?
Tldr: mind is being ocd and I regret breaking up with ex. Can't let go and just spiraling. How should I let go?
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self.offmychest
|
(not in immediate danger) wish I wasn't afraid to die I wish I could take that last step. Everything would be easier if I just died.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Rip lil peep I know this post is late but I just wanted to say Rest In Peace lil peep. He was so talented and made such beautiful music. He’s gone but so are his struggles RIP lil peep
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self.depression
|
How do I get my life back together I was diagnosed last july with my first hypo/manic episode which made me quit my job, spend all my savings (to be fair, I didn't have that much to begin with, I had just turned 19 and only had a couple of minimum wage jobs and had no financial support from anyone else since I was 17, so most of my paycheques went towards rent and basics) and sent me into even worse depression and anxiety than before. I haven't had a job since (been to a couple of interviews but my anxiety ruined them) and at the moment I'm doing an correspondence course to get extra high school credits so I can go to uni, which is basically doing your own research and writing essays and handing them in with no deadlines, (you still gotta turn in something every month) and I have two more papers to pass and I've been working on this one since like February but I have no motivation and ability to focus and only written like 3000 words so far and it makes no fucking sense. (the exemplar I was given was 9000 words long) I've only tried valproate and lithium (and some xanax+ativan for anxiety) and neither of them really helped. I want to get some stability and get into uni next semester which starts in july but I just really don't know how to get out of bed and actually do something about it. How do I get some stability and routine into my life before I get to find the right meds? I can't watch myself wasting my life anymore when all my friends are now graduating uni in less than a year and getting internships and doing something with their lives.
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self.bipolar
|
Talking to real friends, and ghosting the fakers, has given me a new and optimistic perspective in life [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Cannot get help I moved from one state to another. I have bipolar I and I'm in my 30s, married, working. My old psychiatrist refuses to help me without a live appointment; I'm 14 hours away. He has been refilling my current medications but won't even adjust the dose or return messages. I am in the process of getting in to see a psychiatrist in the new state, but I have to see a case worker first, and that is over a month away. I have been to the ER--they refused to help me and basically kicked me out, saying they wouldn't touch my meds and said Benadryl would help me sleep and that would make me better.
I have been experiencing severe mixed episodes, mania and anxiety to the point of it crippling my life. I am trying to figure out how to get help without being hospitalized, because I am in fear of losing my new job to absences. Any advice?
|
self.bipolar
|
Virtual Relationships I know, I know, everyone is already tired of reading bad/sad stories of virtual relationships. It's just that I never had enough courage to write mine down until now. You honestly don't have to read it, nor even pay attention to it; I just feel like I need to get this off my mind so I can finally rest. Being bitter feels harmful.
When I was 16, I got in an online forum related to musical tastes. It was a really nice place - although one of the mods didn't like me and I'm not even sure why -, and everyone joked around a lot. The only thing is: I was the youngest, and one of the few identified as females. Everyone else was above 20 years of age, except for a guy from Finland who was 19 and still learning to play guitar. Nice bloke; he often tried to get lucky on pubs and such, but never succeeded because he was shy, but he didn't mind at all: what mattered was that he had fun and met new people.
Anyway, back to the point.
There was a guy who was kinda cryptid around the forum. Thinking about it, his mannerisms and way of speaking seemed kinda forced, as if trying to look sympathetic and such. But eh, I thought it was something from my mind; still think, honestly.
He got a personal interest in me for some reason after some time. Note that I never mentioned my age nor my gender on the forum, with only the forum troll knowing I was a woman because we both liked to joke around (that includes ending up with half our posts sent to the "forbidden" part of the board created to get rid of the trash) and never mentioning it to anyone else; also, said troll called me the ultimate cryptid back then for some reason. Either way, this guy: he got interested in knowing me properly after I made a small venting post about how my mother was going to have a surgery (uterus removal because it was, well, festered with a form of cancer) and my father left her alone (Note: my father had a ton of problems, including heart ones, and she was always by his side. You can get my bother here), saying that if I felt like telling it to someone, he was all ears.
Let's skip meeting details; nothing of interest really happened here. Where things start to get bothering is two weeks later.
So, two weeks later, he tells me he's in love with me. I honestly didn't feel anything much for him, but eh, I thought I had something off on my head or something because he "is a good guy, how could you not like him", so I decided that "yeah, I should say I like him as well and force that feeling on me, I must like him, if I don't I'm worthless just like those people guys like to complain online that put them on the friendzone".
I didn't know these guys weren't actually nice. I didn't know, either, that I had the option to say "no". Self hate is a pain in the ass.
So, I get to force myself down to like him back. And I feel awful. Worse: he was over 30 years of age, and when I mentioned I was 16, he said it was "fine".
That should've been the first red flag. But I didn't mind: I thought it was okay, that it was rare to find someone who actually liked me anyway. God, how stupid I was.
So, yeah, virtual relationship. Yay. He starts to go on and on about how he'd like to come to my country (we are from different countries) and meet me, or even the other way around. Of how he talked with his mother (she's still alive) about me and she thought I was nice. Each day I feel more and more like I'm worthless, but it's not really his fault: it's how I couldn't tell my parents about him, because they knew something was wrong and I refused to accept that yes, it was indeed wrong.
So, he starts to be personal about intimate matters I never felt comfortable talking about. I was never raped, yes, but I went through 3 sexual advances made by other guys when I was less than 9; one was my neighbor's kid, and the worst one, where he even took most of my clothes off. The other two, a cousin. Both made me not feel like ever wearing dresses anymore.
I think, "okay, I shouldn't care about my personal issues. I need to be nice, otherwise I'm worthless".
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
It started to become a constant matter on the talks now. Fuck, he even asked, straight after I said I refused to send nudes and NO, I was NOT going to change that, that I sent kinky pictures either objectifying or straight up being a nude picture of myself. That week I felt the worst I ever felt in my life up to now; do you know what it is to feel like commiting suicide by strangling yourself with a towel while you keep the shower on so no one will ever guess you did it because they think you're taking a shower? Well, that came up constantly in my mind. Wasn't the first time, though, oddly enough I had these tendencies since I was 12. I am aware that's too early; I'm still surprised I've come up this way and am still alive.
One day, he decides to talk about History. He goes on and on about how Ancient times were better, as Ancient Rome had better morals and Ancient Athenas was admirable; that he wanted those morals to come back.
"But doesn't that mean other people like women and such would get less rights than they have nowadays? I mean, Athens was put as the 'smart point' of Greece, but compared to other Greek States about certain laws, it was extremely regressive. Heck, Sparta let their women own land while Athens didn't".
He knew it. He thought that yes, it should be like that.
That was when I began to finally feel like going away. My mind would still go on that he "was a good guy, I'd be worthless if I refused him" everyday I felt like breaking everything up and going away permanently.
Let me mention that I tried before. He first tried to coerce me into deciding against that decision; then, he became extremely offensive, calling me some of the slurs this sub doesn't allow me to post; then, he'd start to supposedly cry because I was leaving him and that saddened him to no end, that I was his last hope for a relationship and that I was "not like the other women".
God, how I hate this phrase now.
Either way, it worked for a while. Until the day I decided to vent about MGTOWs being pieces of shit and he felt personally offended.
I think the other signals should've been enough before reaching this point. He did not love me: he saw me as inferior to him. Which also explained his "daydreams" of getting back to work while I stayed home "taking care of our children".
I never wanted to be a housewife. It's one of my worst nightmares, even more after seeing my mother suffer after she became one to take care of me and my brother while my father neglected us because "hE WoRKs fOr tHE hOuSe, hE cAN't gIvE uS AtTentIoN" (while, in fact, he forbid my mother of working). He said I'd change my mind after we became a "happy family".
He had mental issues, yes, but that did not explain his actions. Also: he refused to tell me what problem he had. He thought it made him "less", and he felt like it'd make him be under me hierarchy-wise.
I always saw him as an equal.
Either way, I became distant. He noticed the change. When I said the reasons, he said I was dramatic.
Heh, the thing I heard the most in my life was that. Now when I say I don't know how to express myself people think it's because of mild autism or something.
My mild autism never bothered me when I was 7. I expressed myself perfectly well back then.
I decided to break up. He tried to do a tantrum once again, but I simply ignored.
He deleted his account.
I felt like the worst human being I could've been that day. I sent an email apologising, stating that I was horrible and that he was right, that I refused to believe in reality.
Reality, I found out later, is not coercing yourself into the will of others. It's knowing you're free to do your choices.
And when I found that out, after he said he needed some time and decided to come back saying he wanted to have what we had once again, I refused to keep contact.
He tried another tantrum after saying he changed for better. He did not change at all.
I started to notice that my worth was not measured by the things I did there. Worthy, I noticed, was my life, that should not be wasted.
I started to work two days later.
|
self.offmychest
|
Is There a Proper Length for a Suicide Note? I'm currently at 494 words and 2,653 characters, but will likely end up making it >1000 words depending on how I feel, as there is much I would like to say. Is this too long? Should I leave a separate and simpler note for someone to find when I die and then have this somewhere nearby?
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self.depression
|
When people treat you like you’re troubled causing you to have more anxiety.... my mother is the only person in my family that knows ii have PTSD. Due to sexual abuse. In order to protect my family members ii have just stated that it’s anxiety. I’m tired of being judged and treated differently. My best friend who Was looking forward to spending time with also has been treating me differently as if I’m not good enough like her other friends. It’s hurtful but also may be a projection of my insecurity.
Just tired of people treating me like I’m crazy and troubled and judging me when they too have their own issues.
Thanks for reading.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Is self harm and suicide linked? If someone is cutting their wrists are they most likely thinking about suicide?
|
self.depression
|
I am a psychopath in the making I am 20 years old and devoid of all emotions except rage and frustration. I have a family of a mom and step dad and sister. And I don't seem to like anyone of them. If one of them were to die now, I'd just think oh shit that is not good. But that is it. I just dropped out of my university and waiting to get into a new one. I have no hobbies. All I do all day is sit in front of my laptop and watch shit. I too want to be like other people, to have a normal family, to fall in love, to have best friends you can tell everything to and more. However I have none of those things. I feel really alone from time to time when I see kids in my condominium playing in the swimming pool. I just have this feeling of breaking one of their lives miserably and watch a whole social group crumble. And then I think, would that happen if I died? Would anyone really give a rat's ass? I obviously won't do anything about these thoughts but I know for certain that these are not a normal person's thoughts. Especially now when it is the time for fucking holidays and everyone is with their families, or significant others. Meanwhile, I always stay one room away from my family. and have no significant other.
Sometimes I would be travelling in the bus and would just think, if I pulled out a hammer and bashed everyone's skulls out, what could be the worst that could happen? I would love to get a job and work somewhere with normal people, however I am a foreigner in the country I live in and it is pretty much impossible to find a job for a foreigner. I hate my life and I don't think it is getting any better anytime soon. Writing here on Reddit just to let people know that a fucked up person like me could be travelling right next to you and you would never know.
|
self.offmychest
|
Today I cut my finger whilst chopping potatoes and it really made me appreciate life a bit more. So I was chopping away chop chop chop those potatoes getting all prepared for a lovely sausage din dins and I was not looking at the knife. I was looking over at the view of the gorgeous factories which were polluting the sky and the over grown nature in my garden. And CHOP i sliced my finger about paper cut deep. I couldn’t look at it, I had to prepare for the worst. But then I wrapped tissue around it and thought. This could have been SO much worse. I could have lost a whole finger and then what would I do? What would I do without my index finger? I wouldn’t be able to do a lot that’s what. And as I sit here on the toilet shitting I think. What if I lost my thumb? It would have took twice as long to type. I just appreciate that I have my finger and I needed to get it off my chest
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self.offmychest
|
I haven't been able to sleep lately because all I think about is how alone I am I really just want to sleep but I can't stop thinking about it. I've lived here for about 11 months now and I have no friends. I don't know how to stop thinking about it
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self.depression
|
How to cope with a depression relapse during exams week? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I don't have leukemia!!! :D Omg y'all, this is crazy. I was literally in the middle of making a post on suicidewatch when my hematologist called me up and told me I show no signs of leukemia! I've been stressing this since fucking October when I went into the ER for severe abdominal pain. They did a CT scan and saw a ruptured ovarian cyst which explained my abdominal pain, BUT they also saw spots on my bones and were like, "u might have cancer lolololol" so OF COURSE I was really fucking depressed and suicidal. I saw a GP and she ran her tests and was like, "Idk wtf is wrong with u bro, go see an oncologist lol" so she referred me to an oncologist and I saw him like a month ago and I FINALLY got the test results. Straight out of the horse's mouth, "chill fam, u good tho" I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, my bipolar bros.
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self.bipolar
|
Recently stopped Seroquel + Prozac - Low sex drive / not masturbating? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
You'll never really happy Then something happens and you look back at the days your thought where the worse and wish you could go back, because those day were far better then what your feeling now.
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self.depression
|
Spaced Out I have a pretty regular routine when it comes to taking my meds. Right before bed I take lamictal, risperdal and clonidine, brush my teeth then dissolve the saphris under my tongue. My mind was somewhere else last night and I realized I had just finished brushing my teeth but couldn't remember taking my meds. But there was water gone from my glass, so did I? I take 400mg of lamictal and didn't want to risk taking a double dose, so I went to bed just taking the Saphris. (Side note, I did take 800mg of lamictal once and I felt like my heart was going to explode. Never again). Anyway, woke up at 5AM after having some really odd, intense dreams, and my mind buzzing. So I guess I hadn't taken them. Took my remaining meds then and have felt a bit blah today.
Not the most exciting story, but I figured you'd guys would appreciate it a little more than my coworkers. Hope everyone is having a decent Friday!
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self.bipolar
|
Doing the infinite but receiving the infinitesimal. Good evening everyone, here is what's been on my chest. of what is written is not exclusive to me, but maybe some of it is.
As my first semester at University comes to a close, I have made my own unlicensed self-diagnosis of manic-depression for myself. According to a module in one of my introductory classes, students pursuing engineering are already susceptible to anxiety and stress; e.g 45% feel it by the 10th week of coursework. I avoided posting on the engineering students subreddit because this one is better suited.
Now then, the complaints at hand are not about my coursework because I throughly enjoy what I do. The issue I am having is consistent fear of dropping back into a state of chaos that is manifested within traumatic teenhood due to familial decontruction. To summarize, I am a young man in his mid 20's who feels that his self-efficacy will never improve regardless all his hard work and achievements for the hand he has been dealt, hence the title. Resent what I say you may, but this dread that I have is shared, unexclusive to me. 7 years ago at 14 years old my family slowly but horribly began falling apart. Due to the nature of her work, my mother hurt herself which provided a slippery slope to opioid addicton and alcoholism summed with numerous self-witnessed incarcerations. There's much more that can be said, but to summerize again, my family is torn.
Going back home means being with my curmudgeon of a father and witnessing his completely artificial relationship with his bi-polar, deaf girlfriend who despises me.
Wah, wah, suck it up buttercup, pull yourself together, take responsibility for yourself. This is what I tell myself, but it never works. I've gone to counseling on campus, which was cool, but overall the exprience has not made long-term improvements. Every day that I live I wonder what fruit my tree will one day bear, so that it may be sustain the lives of others after I am gone. Frequently do I imagine myself being an elderly man in his bed looking back at all the misery he had been dealt, potentially out weighing the happiness. I love what I do. I love mathematics and complex problems, I love the truth, always have, but anger, resent, and lonliness had gripped me in my youth but many of my peers were not aware of the magnitude of the situation and making friends was always difficult because of this. I feel like I'm trapped in a never ending feedback loop of undesirableness. The thing is, I've done EVERYTHING that the internet tells you what to do when you're miserable. I used to weigh 270 pounds, am now 6' 4" at 194 and can run a 6 minute mile and am in great cardiovascular shape. I've self taught myself guitar and how to sing, even performed at an open mic a couple of times and felt great about it, engaged in philosophy, made new friends, have networked greatly, and yet many days end where I cannot escape malevolence's past, future's uncertainty, and the infinitesimally small fruit I receive from the incredible amount of work and stress that I bear.
These grievances can't only be exclusive to me, but maybe some are, and there are many more that can be had. So do tell offmychest, is life suffering?
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self.offmychest
|
Not sure why I'm here My life has been consistently difficult for me. I don't exactly have a family. We're bunch f broken toxic people who don't keep in touch. My father kidnapped me a a child and left me in a basement where i was subjected to a room for hours a day that was sound-proofed, with the lightswitch and dead-bolt on the outside, where i spent my days in silence and darkness with nothing but an army cot and a tabbaccco can to pee in. I found out it was part of a scam so he could collect money from the government. His girlfriend collected welfare and child benefit cheques under me and my siblings' identities with a series of forged documents to pay the way for her crack addiction. Motion detectors, no phone or computer access, very little food (a tv dinner or can or chef boyardee for dinner and a glass of powdered milk suppliment) we were told everyday that noone loved us, that we deserved it and that we'd never be free. she died years ago without getting caught. i ran away and my dad chose her, to support her after i escaped at 15, while i tried to overcome the trauma living with my heroin addicted aunt, who eventually killed herself in the few months i was in highschool. despite the depression and unstable home i had top marks until her suicide was my tipping point and i dropped out. Now i'm unemployed, 26, with what i can describe as feeling like ptsd or bprderline personality disorder (not self-diagnosing, just describing symptoms). I dont have much family support. I dont talk with my siblings, have few close friends, and i've struggled to keep my head above water my whole life without any sign of my life improving. Everyday is excruciating and painful, i feel as though im too broken and lack the resources to help myself. Why am i suffering everyday to be around when i feel like i dnt want to be here? Why try to fix myself for a world that doesnt want me? I feel like a burden, a toxic person with no hope. Where do I go from here? Ive been patient, I've been brave, I'm fucking suffering. If my life meant so much to people it wouldn't be this way. I get a "happy birthday" copy-paste wall post every year from my dad, which feels like the extent of our relationship. He posts on reddit a lot though, and like a loser, i search his username and read his comments to feel like he's in my life. I feel like when i try to be around people I'm "subjecting them" to me. I feel so alone, and pathetic, and it never ends. Decades of suicidal thoughts and all I get are regurgitated platitudes from people who are trying to be polite. I'm a waste. I tried so hard to get back on my feet after being seriously suicidal last year. I mustered up all my energy and got a job, an apartment and ended up having ym boss sexually harrass me and then fire me when i denied his advancements. He banned me from coming to the bar and now my sister aand friends all still hang there knowing i cant join them. I'm unemployed and destitute and devastated. I think i'm too sick to have a healthy life at this point. If it is attainabe, i'd need a lot more support and stability and love than has ever been available to me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Nobodies and nothings all the words in the world and insane and inane writings dont mean anything, in comparison to getting the shit beat out of you or success by a heroic person that you toy with.
If I were to meet either this ego maniacle person, taunting my name, or anybody, truly wishing to play with me, I will surely react, and probably go to prison for a long time.
.....
im hearing things, on peoples lips, and on the wind.
i have to do something...
But what
I suppose I'll do whatever it takes to set things right..
I am a good person. And ive strived my whole life to be someone that negates the despotic, and rides the fires of hell with a glint in my eye and a bite to my teeth.
oh what you have done to me
i am lost. and i am not dead. and if you can, you must do something to make it right, or i can do nothing else
but do something
i fear this thing for it is against my deepest prayer if i still even could pray
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self.SuicideWatch
|
im heartbroken and alone i lost my husky, my boyfriend of 7 years and i'm all alone. i don't know how to cope with these feelings anymore. i just want my dog back
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I had a walk through the snow tonight. I had a huge fight with my Dad. Totally my fault. While stomping around acting like a petulant child, I tripped and bonked myself pretty nicely on the head. Not sure it's quite relevant to the story, but I was feeling pretty dizzy and confused.
I grabbed my phone and shoes, no jacket, and walked out onto the road. It was snowing pretty heavily. Really cold, could see my breath. Around 10:00 PM. It was so quiet. Couldn't really hear anything, there was just snow on the road. There were Christmas lights on some of the houses up on the hill. The cars just...drove past me, nobody seemed concerned that I was out walking without a coat. It was fine, because I didn't want them to bother me. I walked for about a mile on the road.
I looked over and saw the woods. They looked inviting, so I went off the road and walked into them. I was feeling dizzy and very confused. I kept walking before I realized that if I walked any more into the dark, snowy woods, I wouldn't be able to find my way out and I'd probably lose signal in my phone. I laid down in the snow and laid there for almost ten minutes, looking up at the tree tops, thinking about just staying and going to sleep. But I thought that I would have to tie up some loose ends, so I got up and walked back home.
I've never felt so confused and lost. I felt so overdramatic, just walking around on this snowy night, crying. Like I was just...nothing, like I was the hugest problem in everyone's lives, like it would be so much easier to leave than to live. My head hurts, and kind of I wish I'd stayed in the snow.
|
self.depression
|
Ugh why is plastic surgery in such an elementary phase... *breaks down and cries*
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is it wrong to feel this way After everything that has happened I trust nobody not even my family. God probably hears me but is busy attending to others maybe who knows. I'm at the point where after my last post that I don't feel like explaining anything to anyone anymore. If people want me gone then fine I'll leave for good. I've been suicidal for years but I was able to hide it, my numerous attempts that literally nobody knows, and by writing music and freestyling. I know everyone battles their inner demons but it would be nice if someone show at least the slightest bit of care ya know. There's so many people who feel this way. This world is heavily corrupted. Man the world is really ending if all this shit is happening to us as humans. It's like those who truly seek God, have awesome gifts, are different, and try to make a great impact on society get attacked by demons while those who join in on hurting those people get praised. Heck sometimes I feel like I'm living around demons cause I'm already getting attacked by them everyday. Everyone gets attacked by alot of things. Suicide is one of them but people should at least make an attempt to help someone out not make things worse. Honestly I don't know why the fuck I went from talking about being suicidal to spouting lectures. Maybe I'm really losing it and I'm at the point where I'm like fuck this world. Sorry for wasting your time with this message.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
feel like i'm going in circles sometimes i just feel like i'm going in circles with my mental illnesses. like i'll work so hard to get better and then it all goes down the drain b/c my depression/anxiety take a turn for the worse or i self destruct or whatever. i know i'm still young (18) but i've been dealing with this since i was 12/13 and in some ways i feel like nothing's changed. i know mental illness is a life-long battle, especially b/c for me it's chemical imbalances, not situational. in a way that almost sucks even more b/c i know deep down no matter where i run to or what i do, it's still gonna be there, waiting for me. it's just depressing, feeling like in some ways it's never going to get better or if it does, it's only temporary.
|
self.depression
|
Feeling overwhelming heartbreak :/ I’m struggling very hard with accepting the fact that I lost my soulmate due to a manic episode. 7 years building a life together and it was all over in a couple of weeks. Out of nowhere my body was hijacked by a complete MONSTER who said so many awful things and forced her into a terrible situation (which I’m too embarassed to talk about) by breaking up with her. But it wasn’t really ME who ended it. The real me loved her and had no intention of leaving her. She was my best friend and the love of my life. This monster came out of nowhere to take control of my body and fuck everything up and now I’m stuck with the painful aftermath. I had no agency in this monumentally life-changing decision and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over that fact. My heart is completely broken. I can’t seem to find the strength to accept the situation and move on :/
P.S. she’s forgiven me since, but she’s also unwilling to get back together. The experience was just too traumatic for her and I honestly can’t blame her. :(
|
self.bipolar
|
Finally medicated! Recalled my doc's office this morning and was lucky to be able to see him today! literally just a few moments ago.
50 MG Quetiapine Fumarate tabs
I'm hoping for the best! Also got scheduled with a therapist so 2 birds 1 stone! It's done shows over! Lol (hopefully..)
|
self.bipolar
|
My friend has been annoying me immensely and nobody will listen to me. One of my friends has been annoying me. Let’s call her F.
F’s very extroverted. F’s not someone that I would normally hang with but she’s friends with the other friends, so I’m stuck with her.
I share a majority of my classes with F, so I get the brunt of the annoying-ness.
F asks me for help with stuff that she should honestly know already. I could feel proud that she values my opinion enough to come to me, but it’s such simple stuff, that F could find out from her OWN DAMN WORKBOOK, that I can’t stand it anymore.
At maths (the class she’s worst at) F is constantly asking for answers to the simplest questions. F has a fundamental misunderstanding of the basics of maths, and she annoys me and distracts me from my own work. She doesn’t know how to read a goddamn analog clock for god’s sake. I asked her why she doesn’t learn:
“I don’t want to. It’s super boring.”
She is slated to go to the lowest stream maths class next year, and she doesn’t want to go. F truly believes she doesn’t belong in the bottom stream.
F also believes that because I got amazing grades in the exams, I’m have no valuable opinion on say, what options the lower grades kids have. F and another friend were talking about options that F has (she failed nearly all her exams) and repeatedly told me my opinion doesn’t matter because I’m not failing like they are.
Am I right to be mad? I feel like I can’t talk to anyone else about this, least of all my other friends. I have tried bringing it up gently without F there but I’ve gotten nowhere.
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self.offmychest
|
Wellbutrin Wow. Today is day 32 of taking wellbutrin and I still haven't noticed any change in how I'm feeling. I don't feel any better and have not had any side effects. Did it take this long or longer for anyone here to experience a change?
|
self.depression
|
Not now, at least I’m never really gonna do it. At least, I don’t think I am. At the last minute, there’s always some reason to wait. But, just every once in a while, I think about it: how much of a mess I’d leave behind, whether or not they could handle it, pros and cons, planning without planning.
Sitting in my tub, I looked at my dog today and said “Hey, it’s about that time, Booker.” And he goes with the flow, so he just rolled on his side and sighed. If no one found me for weeks, would he eat my remains? I wish I had a pack of him to completely erase me, before they could ever see that I wanted to go, that I left on my own. He’d do that for me; he’s a kinder soul than I am.
But I heard her through the door as I brushed bubbles off my razor:
“Your little brother’s on the way.”
So it couldn’t be today anyway, but I really wasn’t gonna do it. I just think about it whenever I’m tired.
And lately, guys, I’m always tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
bad intrusive thoughts that aren't like me at all I've been suffering from waves of anxiety and depression for roughly 4-5 years now. Some times are better than others and I have managed to conquer my daemons on more than one occasion, but these thoughts always come back when I'm stressed or unhappy in some way. Recently I've been having a nice time and I'll get bad intrusive thoughts in my head, some really awful nasty things (that I'd never mean/do or say!) and it's really getting to me.
I'm a worrier, I always have been, so I think this is what fuels these thoughts. A bit like, you're scared to say something because you're afraid it might happen. E.g. like when people don't talk about illness because they're afraid if they do, it might happen, etc.. and other bad things of this nature.
Has anybody had any experience with these kinds of bad intrusive thoughts and if you have, how have you managed to get over it?
Thanks
|
self.Anxiety
|
When is it Okay to Admit Defeat? I'm in my early 30s, I'm a college graduate and had a decent career going into government/ politics. I was on track to have a lot of opportunities and on the path to a nice job making good money in an amazing city and state until two years when I let my head get the best of me and I wouldn't leave my room work weeks at a time and spot going to work until I was fired in March of 2016. I lost all of my professional networks. People I can ask for recommendations, my reputation is irreparable. I lost a huge part of my identity. I had a prestigious position. Especially for someone from out of state with zero family or university connections. Even my parents were surprised I earned the position I had.
I hospitalized involuntarily.
I slugged along not working for a year. I took a class at a community college in a trade but dropped it because I was really shitty at the work I lacked natural talent in the field and was too embarrassed to ask for extra help and unmotivated to put in the effort.
Then last fall I decided to pick myself up I started to eat healthier and exercise. I lost 25+ lbs that I had gained in the last few years. I went to therapy and was on medication. I started to reach out to friends I had cut myself off from. I took a job washing dishes for a 2 months period after Christmas and worked for my hands off. Literally, they were wrecked. I was an awesome employee. I won an award for being such a good employee.
I was in talks with someone to run a new non-profit. I had a way to hopefully repair my working reputation. I was excited about the work. I had a sense of purpose. I was rebuilding a part of my identity I had lost. But the job did not work out.
After that job didn’t work out I started to spiral downward. Gained back all the weight I lost. I started isolating myself again.
I have had 2 interviews for 2 jobs I was qualified for but failed to get one that was entry level. I prepped for the interviews. Asked people who previously worked at the company for advice. Prepped questions I thought they would ask and composed responses. I prepared questions to ask. I created a 4-page document to help me prepare for the interview. But failed.
I have applied for 6 jobs in the last two months that I am qualified and heard nothing. People are looking over my resume before I send it in and say it looks good.
I have 6 years of experience in public policy/ government but it is very specific to the state I live in now. A lot of non-profit openings are for development which I have minimal experience and would only be qualified for such a position after unpaid or low paid internships. I did an internship to get my foot in the door initially. I worked 2 jobs 60+ hours a week. I don’t think I have the motivation to do that again just to get my foot in the door.
Unemployment in the low 4% in my state and I can't get hired as a barista. I have applied to 3 coffee shops. Got one interview but zero job offers.
I'm broke. I need to file for bankruptcy because I am $40,000 in debt. My bank account is negative. I am selling my car to pay rent. Without a car, my job search is limited to a smaller area that is accessible via my bike, walking, or public transportation.
All my options going forward are bleak. I will never be able to have the life I want. The chances of getting back into my career are slim. My future earning potential is low. I have no retirement savings, I’m getting priced out of my neighbor by rising rent. The hobbies I had are too expensive for me to participate in now.
There is nothing that gives me purpose, or happiness or even contentment. My question is why is now not the appropriate time to give up? I’ve tried and I failed. I have lost a major part of my identity. I have no one that depends on me financially. I’m ready to quit.
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self.depression
|
I'm tired of being left out of everything, and never fitting in. I don't get what's wrong with me. My whole life, I've always been on my own. At first, I didn't mind being lonely, but now it's eating me up.
Recently, I've been more upset that I have never had a close circle of good friends. There are groups everywhere, and people don't see me as good enough to ever be considered one of them. Anything I've tried to be involved in, I'd be the person that was simply tolerated. Nobody would make any effort to know me or get me involved, I'd get pushed away at any attempt I'd make. I can't fit it, and I don't understand why.
I'm really down because recently, I discovered that some of my online 'friends' made a group chat, and have kept me out of it. It's really hurt me, especially at a time where I'm hurting for friends. I wish people would just tell me what's wrong with me, or why everyone seems to avoid me. It's so frustrating, I don't know what I'm doing wrong, or why everyone treats me like this. It makes me feel like I'm less than human, and I just don't have any kind of worth to anyone. It's this empty feeling that really hurts me on the inside.
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self.depression
|
[rant] Shitty day number 197382728272 Yep, it's rant time. :))))))))
I'm behind with my homework which is NOT okay but I still go to University.
My friends are... Well... If I don't kill me soon, I'll probably murder one of them. They switch between being DISTANT and CARING with me and I know it's only because they don't know anymore how to act with me. Even me, I don't know how to act with myself.
This weekend , I go to an exam (like TOEIC but for the language I'm currently studying at Uni) and I need to travel. I've paid more than 100$ for FAILING :)
I feel overwhelmed by ANYTHING right now
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self.depression
|
Running out of ways (or will) to handle things Hi all....i've never posted anywhere about anything like this, so first off apologies if it gets a bit incoherent or anything. Things are starting to get un top of me to a degree that i feel like i just need to get it out.
I've suffered from pretty bad depression an anxiety for years now (i'm 35, probably first really dealing with it in my teens, but didn't see anybody/get it diagnosed until i was late 20's). For a time i thought i really started to get a handle on it, but lately i feel like i'm being just....crushed mentally. Every day.
I honestly can't say what, if anything, set it back off again but things keep happening to just pile shit on top of shit. Yesterday for example i discovered that my lifelong type 1 diabetes has caused my eyes to degenerate yet again to a really bad level, and that i can't do any extreme sports (skydiving, bungie jumping etc) due to a high risk of ertinal damage.
I don't even CARE about extreme sports, i have no interest at all. But being told that "no, you can't do that" made me really miserable because it feels likme yet another option removed from me. Makes no sense, i know.
My wife is great but i've slipped back into hiding the extent from her, simply because i don't want to put her through everything again. We had a nice day out the other day and later she asked if i'd enjoyed it. Of course the correct answer was "yes", but i realised that i haven't honestly felt any real enjoyment or happiness about anything for...i don't know. A year? Two years?
I know i'm quite lucky in some respects...i'm not alone, i have plenty of friends, a great wife, a secure job. But i FEEL alone pretty much every day, even in the middle of people. I pretty much just say the right words with the right tone of voice and the right facial expression that people expect/want to see, but none of it feels like it's really me. I'm basically just watching things pass me by from the inside.
I can't sleep more than about 4 hours a night, and then get more anxious and depressed due to being more and more tired. I desperately want to sleep :(
Fortunately i don't think i'm at risk of doing anything drastic, though the idea or letting it all end really doesn't have any concerns or fears for me. I'd never do that to my wife though and she'd be destroyed. I feel like i should really want to be alive at least partly for ME though, not just to keep somebody else happy.
I don't really know what to do. I could go back on drugs, but that's not really a solution for the long term and the side effects of Fluoxetine and Sertraline both really wreck me. I've had counselling and the like before, but we can never seem to find the root of the problem, so it can't be properly addressed. I simply don't have that much of a reason to be so....shitty. I just can't help it.
So that's about it. Apologies for the rambling and fairly aimless post. Not really sure what i expect from it or even what i'm looking for, but i needed to get it on a page or something at least!
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self.depression
|
For my SO For 4 years, I've been trying so fucking hard to get this off my chest, but couldn't.
I've always tried to be open to you. You know you do. After 4 years, last day was the first time I told you about one of my darkest parts of childhood and we had a good conversation about it. Yeah, we had fun, but you do realize that sometimes I too have my moments, right? For 3 years, you have known about my frequent depressive and anxiety attacks, and my ticks due to my ADHD. Yes, I told you about it, and yet you're still supporting me. Though when it comes to problems, I can't even tell you anything... probably because you always counter me with the same thing over and over again. You get mad at me when I have my problems, and make it seem so centered about you. The fact alone that today when I told you about some work problem, you just gave me a cold shoulder, and didn't talk to me the whole while.
I just need you to listen, your support, your words, you're oh so calming words, but that didn't happen when I'm on some bad days. It drives me crazy, driving me to the edge with the question "what did I do wrong this time? am I wrong to tell you that?". My psychiatrist always tell me to share my problems with you, but the problem is you wouldn't let me. So sorry for the nights I've been sighing my self to sleep. Sorry for drinking on days where I have work by the next day. Sorry for keeping myself quiet. Sorry.
Maybe this post can help me offload this heavy feeling, and I hope it fucking does.
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self.offmychest
|
I️ am desperate for love. 22f. It’s been about 5 months since my last relationship. We decided to separate on good terms and so far we have created a meaningful and lasting friendship. I️ am not sad about our relationship ending, it was probably for the best anyways. Though the one thing I️ miss the most, was someone finally saying the words, “I️ love you,” out loud and almost everyday. There was literally nothing better, it made me feel so complete. Now I’m sitting on my couch, constantly checking the four dating apps I’ve downloaded to see if anyone will respond. I’ve hooked up with about 7 guys in the last 5 months hoping to make a connection with at least one. So that maybe, just maybe, it would develop into a real relationship. And I’ll finally get to hear those sweet, sweet words that will satisfy my constant craving.
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self.offmychest
|
Is watery stools common with Escitalopram? Since re-starting Escitalopram 1 week ago, I have had on-off watery stools-- once or twice a day bowel movements with watery stool.
Is this a common side effect? I have been drinking a lot of water as well as I want to avoid dehydration due to these watery stools.
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self.Anxiety
|
Help with Lithium Side Effects Hi all, long time lurker, first time poster here. Short bio: I have BP1, diagnosed 6 years ago. I am a 30 year old male from the UK.
Having tried most of the antipsychotics in existence, my current medications are Priadel (Lithium Carbonate) 800mg MR and Lamotrigine 50mg. I also take Melatonin for sleep (3mg.)
I've been taking Lithium for a couple of years and a few months later I started to develop pretty frequent, disruptive diarrhoea. I've had various investigations to rule out other causes including colitis. I had a colonoscopy recently which was normal. The gastroenterologist thinks that the Lithum is causing the diarrhoea. I am due to see my pdoc tomorrow to discuss.
Other major side effects are the frequent nocturia (up at least 2/3 times during the night to pee) as well as thirst and dry skin. My latest blood tests also showed I'm in the early stages of hypothyroidism (another wonderful SE of this drug.)
TL;DR Has anyone else experienced diarrhoea long term whilst on Lithium? If so, was it worth continuing or stopping the med, obviously after discussing with the pdoc. With the diarrhoea, frequent urination, thirst and ensuing hypothyroidism, should I ditch and switch?
EDIT: the lithium has not really helped to stabilise my mood (imo.) I've had frequent depressive and hypomanic episodes while taking it.
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self.bipolar
|
Even those that we think "get it", they don't. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
When will it end? Hi, Im new to the site and just felt I needed to get some stuff off my chest and maybe il feel better. I have been suffering from depression and extreme anxiety and horrific intrusive thoughts since I was 12 years old. Im now 27 and currently going through a marriage breakdown. All I can think about again is suicide, planning it, what to put in my suicide note, who to leave my bits and bobs to, I just dont want to be here anymore and if it wasnt for my kids (who I dont live with and see weekly at best) I would be dead by now. The urge is getting stronger and stronger and now I have lost my soulmate I feel I have nothing left. She wont take me back and I dont want to live without her, but at the same time I was suicidal even when we were together. I just dont know what to do to make these feelings stop and I have lost all faith that itll ever stop and I will find happiness. Im dying inside and can feel myself getting weaker and weaker and withering away. My heart and head are broken and I dont know if I can go on. Iv tried meds, counselling, meditating, im an empty shell. I dont want to be here any more.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't see the point of living. Everyone is going to die anyway, why not get it over with when I want to rather than wait and risk me dying while being happy Title
|
self.depression
|
I feel broken; adulting has totally depleted me I don't understand how everyone else does it. As if going to work and doing chores wasn't exhausting enough, I have to put in so much extra work to keep my resume competitive and I just don't have any energy left. I can't focus on a work-related task for more than 2 minutes, when I force myself to do any work my brain just shuts down. I try to power through it but my brain still refuses to process any information I'm trying to feed it. I struggle to stay awake longer than 10 hours. I'm increasingly intolerant of cold; 18C is enough to make me shiver, and if I go outside for longer than 10 minutes my hands get so cold that I lose fine motor skills in my fingertips...at 14C! I try to exercise only to get lightheaded and weak after doing 3 sets of reverse lunges with a laughable weight of 7kg. This time last year I was worry-free and throwing around a 16kg kettlebell feeling high as a kite. Now the only thing that distracts me from my worries and stress is video games, and then when I finish playing the stress comes back, followed closely by feelings of guilt for not doing anything productive with my day. Fuck this shit. I don't know how everyone else deals with this.
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self.offmychest
|
I dont know what is wrong with me. I am 20 something years old and everything is good in my life. I am in university have good friends and there is not anything that bad that has happened to me but every 1 or 2 months i feel like taking my own life and i feel like that for a week and then i feel good for a while and then again these stupid thoughts and feelings come back. I was literally on a ledge 1 hour ago. 2 of my friends have taken their lives but that is not the reason i feel like this i have felt like this since i was a teenager. But every month or year i get worse or more likely to do this. It is hard to explain but i am the funny guy in my group of friends but still this stupid thought and feelings come up. I don´t know what the fuck is wrong with me and also i dislike people like me that are so selfish to do it and ruining the lives of they're family and friends . I realize that people that have shitty lives will read this post and think that i am a whining little cunt. Don´t worry i also think so. :)
I wont reply to this thread but i will read the comments. I made an account that i probably will not log in again to keep my anonymity.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Whenever I post something on here or other help subs, I get downvotes a ton. Just wanted to say reddit can really suck sometimes. Highkey, I post on amiably asking whether im ugly and instead of responses I get downvotes and no replies. I post on here, I get downvotes. I always end up deleting my posts on help subs because literally people never reply and like sometimes im on here because I'm breaking down, guys. Yeah, my posts might be typo ridden and winding, but like it really hurts when I have something thats bothering me and I get downvotes to oblivion. Ive gone to the extent of making alts just to post things and still get downvotes whenever I voice my opinion in a way that isn't happy or cracking jokes. It sucks to not have people to listen, that your problems sound so boring to others that they don't even acknowledge you. I'm a human being; I am important. You are important. We all have something important to say.
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self.offmychest
|
How do I get my husband to understand my anxiety I have been married for two years and have been suffering with severe anxiety for the past year. I managed to get it under control for about 4 months and now I can feel it starting to creep back.
I have tried to explain to my husband how my brain works and he keeps saying he understands but he doesn't show any support. My IBS is also in full swing currently and I will just breakdown and start crying for the slightest trigger.
Any suggestions?
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self.Anxiety
|
People of r/bipolar, can I get a selfie? I want to see what we all look like. [removed]
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self.bipolar
|
I think the internet is turning more people into people like me, in a very bad way. I'm going to end up sound like a disturbed madman by the time this post is finished. Perhaps I am. But it needs to be said. I don't know how many people like me are out there but I'm scared it's growing and it's going to come to a head sooner rather than later. I'll start with my journey into hell.
I've had a rather average middle-class upbringing. No abuse of any kind, loving parents and a loving family. Something I am unbelievably grateful for. Around age 10 we got a family computer, and then a few years later, my own personal laptop. I was quite savvy about it and a very fast learner for technology. With unfettered access to the internet, I began, of course, looking at things I probably shouldn’t have. Something most people around that age do when they reach that age, but in my case, it was rather extreme. I think I’ve continued to struggle with a porn addiction since these years, and as time progressed I would go through phases of upping the ante in terms of what I saw as permissible. My personal level of perversion seemed to have a direct correlation with my internet speed. I got hooked into a narrative of just one more. Just one level deeper. Moving from the real world into cartoons and artistic representations of the act was a major step in that. In the world of drawing and animation, things can be as attractive or unattractive as you want. As benign or unbelievably extreme as you want. I also got a sense of boundary-pushing that would only be possible in a non-real setting. I seemed to be fascinated by how people could push their limits in terms of things like size or number of participants. From there, I took (at first) reasonable steps of curiosity downward into a perverted hell.
I eventually found myself at the proverbial bottom. I need not describe this world to you. If you need this procession explained, look within the darkest parts of yourself and you will invariably find it somewhere. It is a journey that I believe more people than we think would admit to taking, and at far younger ages than people might expect. However, that might just be me trying to ease my conscience. Eventually, I became obsessed with finding the bottom of this ladder, which would be taking things I only believed permissible in drawn art and taking it into the real world. I became well-versed in the language used to find this material and stay under the radar. There's a part of me that wants to know just how many people like me stumbled into this. How many of you know the acronyms, the secret keywords used to show the right Limewire downloads? I continued to poorly cover my tracks in the real world, thanks to that teenage delusion of invincibility. The fruits of my archaeological labour were uncovered by my family eventually, where I was faced with the magnitude of what I had been doing this whole time. It was one of those scared-straight moments, and one of the few times where I would say that approach to parenting is well-deserved and necessary. I haven’t crossed that line since.
Forgive the moralizing, but this is something to consider: I have had a rather average middle-class upbringing. I was able to make this journey at a young age and in that environment, with a bit of technical know-how and the structure of the internet of the mid-2000s. As of right now, there multiple easily accessible websites that have taken all of these things and created an easily searchable, well-referenced library of depictions of the worst kinds of things you can imagine, should you desire to look for it. It is as easy as a few clicks away and it is an underbelly that I think few parents can understand or appreciate the sheer size of. You don't need to be 18 or over. You just need to know the right words. It is the sexual equivalent of leaving open liquor on your kid's night stand labeled "fruit punch". I can only imagine what that is doing to young people today who might be like I was when I was that age, or younger. It's lurking right beneath the surface.
I guess here is where I'm turning it up to 11. I'm going to sound like the "satanic panic" people of the last century. There's a part of me sees this as nothing less than a culture-wide grooming that completely destroying any chance for a normative sexuality for an entire generation, and potentially any future generation going forward. Whether it's intentional or not, conscious or subconscious, I can't say. Kids get access to the internet much younger, and are much more intuitive with it. I had to look for underground websites or torrents with archaic organization systems and I got completely fucked up by the time I was 16. Now you can put in a few words into a curated search engine and you can instantly find things that while not being literal videos or pictures of the actual event, depict things that are even more extreme than that, and in a medium that is even more appealing for younger people than the "real deal", not that that distinction matters much to a developing brain. If you can't produce child porn you can much more easily produce porn that kids will like.
It's porn for kids.
*It's porn for kids.*
**It's porn for kids.**
This isn't "kinkshaming". I don't care what adults look at in their spare time. What I *do* care about is how accessible we make this material to actual children who can now see themselves very well represented in this legal limbo.
This really feels different than the "won't somebody think of the children?" I think of in generations past. What on earth does this mean for humans going forward into the future? What impact is this going to have? How many teens went through what I went through back then? And how many teens and children are hooking into it now? This is the shit that keeps me up at night. It fucked me up completely. It scares me how many more it's fucking up now that it's easier than ever to find it.
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self.offmychest
|
It always goes back to the same Does anybody feels the same? It doesn't matter how well you feel at some point you are going to feel stuck eventually. Went through CBT which helped me a lot, but had to stop when I moved to college.I really loved my doctor and i felt really confortable with her. I was feeling way better from my depression and anxiety (especially my anxiety which was worse) but now it just seems like I'm back to the same old place before. Anxiety always comes back and it is ruining my life
I hate how it ruins relationships, nights of sleep, days, months and years, i hate it. It feels so silly to think about the panic attacks when you are feeling good, but they are so hard to handle, you just feel powerless
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self.Anxiety
|
I grew up in a misogynistic cult and now struggle to stop hating men. I grew up in a secluded Mormon community. Now, while all Mormonism is very sexist, not all is characterized by the active disdain of women that the more rural, uneducated bubbles like the one I grew up in can be.
Atop of being devout Mormons, my family is characterized by mental illness, racism, and good old fashioned misogyny. My brothers and male cousins were highly, blatantly favored and even encouraged to beat up their sisters. My mother told me often that she miscarried a boy before me, and that I had "killed him" and she would never forgive me for this. While church and school were slightly less abusive, I was raised in a small town and everyone still believed in 50s gender roles- women are stupid and live only to serve men. Women are better off dead than losing their virginity before marriage because while our bodies are objects that can be used up, our minds are worthless. I was constantly punished, always in trouble, usually not understanding why; the boys on the other hand were never reprimanded. Boys will be boys.
My earliest memories are of being hungry ("girls don't need that much food"), isolated, terrified, and more filled with sorrow than can be expressed in words. I was often locked in the closet and fully hallucinated imaginary friends; maybe I was severely lonely, maybe I inherited some of the psychotic tendencies that many of my schizophrenic cousins display.
What you need to understand is that I was always explicitly told that I was receiving this treatment BECAUSE I WAS A GIRL. My brothers were treated like little kings. While I know my case is not normal to the rest of the world, and clearly a case of child abuse rather than large scale misogyny, this behavior, sadly, was not too uncommon where I was raised- particularly in my extended family, but also among everyone (who pretty much were all distant cousins to me anyway, sometimes on both sides; our town has a serious inbreeding problem). My female friends were almost all treated far worse than their brothers, though to varying degrees. In church, we were all taught that we could only get to heaven if our husband decided to let us in. We were taught that all females are inherently tainted with the devil. We were taught that we existed to create sons; these were not subtle insinuations, these were their actual words.
I ran at 17.
I have been working as a waitress in Salt Lake for six years at a restaurant that took me in even knowing my story, my lack of a high school education. I am mostly shocked and relieved by the LACK of misogyny I witness on a daily basis. Men are not allowed to hit women here! Astounding.
There are, of course, the little things. Working in a restaurant, there's a myriad of sexual harassment. Because of my "otherness" and clumsiness in interacting with this modern world I am often a target. Sometimes customers will assume me dumber than the male servers.
These situations are so much more minor than the ones I experienced at home, but they are triggers and I relive my brother with a grin on his face digging into the ice cream my mom made just for him while I hadn't eaten in 24 hours. Every time I meet a man, a shock of fear runs down my spine for a moment and then it is replaced by absolute disdain. I assume every man I meet has had it easy and been raised with a silver spoon in his mouth. I assume every woman I meet has had a background like mine. I think of women as good and men as bad, of women as deserving and of men as undeserving.
I am struggling to stop hating men because I know it's not their fault and I know they aren't from the place I am. Everybody has their own past. I should not react to pain and hate by causing more pain and hate.
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self.offmychest
|
Trying not to break down in front of the kids I'm babysitting I am doing everything in my power to not break down in tears. They ask why I don't want to play with them or why I always look sad. I can't tell them that I'm broken inside. That I want to go home and hang myself the moment their parents come home. I can't do it anymore.
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self.depression
|
I love my pdoc I posted a lot on here a few months ago about how awful my pdoc was. I've been seeing my new one for just two or three months and he's awesome. He remembered how I mentioned I'd like to lower or get off lamictal. He remembers the reactions I had to past meds. He took me off effexor before it got bad. I feel like he truly cares and we can joke around. He genuinely worries about me and watches out since I've been having some suicidal thoughts. He's having me come in more often to keep an eye on me. I've never felt so cared for.
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self.bipolar
|
Do you think winning the lottery would "cure" your depression? Hypothetically. Very, very hypothetically.
Let's say you won 60 million all to yourself. How would you feel then? Do you think you would be elated and happy? Or feeling just the same.
The reason I put think is because, well, we don't know until we are in the situation. Depression does not discriminate against anyone.Maybe we would be super happy in our heads if we won, but still end up deprived of all emotions...
Personally, I myself think I would be essentially cured. I could travel the world, live my own schedule, and basically do anything I imagined while never worrying about the future. I could retire my mom, probably my brother, no longer be in debt, donate to a few good causes or set up some charitable events...it would be nice.
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self.depression
|
Hi friends. I had my first panic attack last week. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm having an incredibly hard time making phone calls but I have to find a place to live. I am looking for a new apartment but I'm very limited in what I need. I'm low income but can afford a little bit more if it's short term. Of the places that I was able to contact via email, none of them offer short term and are out of my long term price range. Now I'm left with a list of phone numbers and fear. I punch in the phone number and start crying. I know it's not helpful in any way for me to have someone call for me, but I'm not seeing any other way to do this. I hate fear. I hate phobias. I hate anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
|
Beginner looking to learn yoga and meditation See title - any recommendations?
I'm struggling with bad TMJ and headaches from muscle tension which is sending anxiety into overdrive 24/7. Have finally decided to start trying some yoga and meditation but have no clue where to start.
Thanks for any help!
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self.Anxiety
|
Advice/experiences breaking an endless negative loop? Hi all,
I've been going to therapy for almost 4 years now. But a recent series of events in my romantic life has made me extremely negative and angry towards myself and the male species haha
It's been a year since a short term bf dumped me (found out months later that he lied about multiple things - which is why it shattered my heart, not the breakup itself). Dated someone casually recently who completely disrespected my time and feelings, and also lied multiple times. And now I'm back to feeling pain from that heartbreak. It also hurts that i never had a long term relationship (mid 20s).
I know it's very unhealthy and I want to break this negative loop that my mind has grown comfortable with. Any words of wisdom or experiences that could help would be much appreciated!
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self.depression
|
Just don't see the point anymore Have been on the fence about it for so long. Every time I hear about other people talking about the subject of suicide they always go on about how much it will hurt the other people around them, but no one talks about the person that is actually hurting. No one tries to help them or anything, but just guilt trip them into not doing it.
A few weeks ago I took a handful of sleeping pills, but unfortunately it didn't work. All I did was passing out, throwing up and being extremely sleepy for a day or two. The only thing I could think of was, "Great, I can't even get this right."
A few weeks ago I broke down and talked with a friend about how I have been feeling and the things going on. Told him I have been thinking on killing myself for a while. He ended up calling the cops because he thought I was going to do something and to be fair I may have that night. The cops show up and so does the firetruck. Firemen take my vitals and chat with me about things. Cop ends up saying unfortunately i need to be taken to the hospital. Tells me I can go with him or a ambulance. I told him I have no money and had to give up food today so i could afford my medications. 12 hours at the hospital they send me home. So I get to walk 5 hours home since I can't afford any transport home.
Well turn time goes on and the bills start rolling in. First its $700 for the ambulance that I didn't call, request, or even see. Since they didn't take my vitals, transport me or render any aid at all, my insurance will not cover it. Then I get 2 bills from the hospital. one is the $65 ER visit co-pay and then a second $65 ER co-pay because the secure wing inside the hospital is considered a second internal hospital so I went to two hospitals in a 100 yard walk.
So now I have over $800 in bills for talking with someone and they got worried. I don't have $800. I can't even afford to eat and get my medications. I asked for hardship paperwork and filled them out, but was disqualified because I make to much money. I am on disability and have a fixed income. Every hardship paperwork only cared about what I made and had doesn't ask what your bills are.
So now I have no money, more debt and want to kill myself than ever. I bought a gun today and plan to walk into the woods and end it by the end of the year.
The only thing I have learned is to never open up to anyone, never ask for help and to help no one else ever again. If you ask for help all they will do is bill you and take more money that you don't already have. No one cares about you, just taking more of your money. Why bother being here.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I drank a lot on Saturday We were going to have a party at my house and I kind of really needed a pick me up like that. I've been struggling the past few months and I'm terrified that things are getting worse. I cry myself to sleep on the nightly and I'm slowly shutting everyone around me out. I hate myself so fucking much, there was a good while where my fists were constantly bruised and I thought broken from punching my reflection in a mirror every time I saw myself. I need help and I had to much pride to seek it so I did the dumb thing and drank and drank and drank. I had around 15 shots in 30 minutes and all I remember is texting my friend telling her to force me to go the university phycological help center. I remember balling my eyes out telling her I wasn't ok. I remember going to my roommates room and try to play video games with him and after that I blacked out. I have no clue what happened next and honestly I know I had to of broken down, my roommates aren't bringing it up with me and I really don't want to. I woke up with my bed stripped and puke all over my comforter. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but I hate myself even more. I know that I want to die, but it won't be by my hand. I won't be the one to kill me, but holy shit I wish it would happen most days. I'm sorry, I feel broken.
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self.depression
|
What are the cons to seeking hospital help? Then what are the positives?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I opened up to a friend And lost them because I was too much.
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self.depression
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hypochondria/malignant melanoma? I've been very anxious about my health for years. I'm only 18 and have only had a significant sunburn once, but my maternal grandmother had melanoma in her early 60s (she's fine) and I have many moles on my body which my mother always told me to keep track of (to see if they change). This one looked a bit strange, so I made an appointment at the doctor. They said it didn't look like skin cancer, but I insisted on having it removed and biopsy-ed. waiting for resuts and so scared. i always have something though, whether brain tumors, heart attacks, or this. hopefully it's nothing, just like the previous times
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self.Anxiety
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Well, down the rabbit hole I got into an argument with my ex over a new girl.
The joke is that half the time I'm so stressed with the new girl because it's tot ally foreign.
I gave up an extended family, a future Wife, and a security in love, for literally nothing. My ex got out of the car, said she was done, and blocked me. I have no way back to her.
To top it off, I had the worst nightmare I've had in ages last night. I woke up disoriented and tired and beat, and couldn't fall back asleep.
This is all my fault, and will stay that way. The girl I loved will never let me fix this again.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else feel excitement over suicide and not sadness? I’m feeling the most suicidal I have ever been so far and I’m not even particularly in a sad/bad place in my life right now, the emotion I’m feeling about ending my life isn’t about sadness but it’s actually the happiest I’ve been in quite a while - the thought of ending my life is the only thing that’s making me happy at the moment. I’m wondering if anyone else here feels the same?
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self.depression
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I can't stop thinking about RuneScape and there isn't anyone I can talk to about it About 3 years ago, I dropped RuneScape after playing on my main account for about 13000 hours. Since then, my life has improved a lot. But I can't stop thinking about playing this stupid game again. I've been a bit back and forth with the game, playing it for about a week at a time every few months, telling myself I've quit for good when I uninstall.
I just started my Winter break from University and the temptation to play it is worse than ever since I don't have any test or assignments. I don't know how to deal with these urges. I know playing it again could ruin everything for me but I still want to do it. No one I know takes gaming addiction seriously so I feel really alone. If the urge gets too strong the only thing I can do is curl up on my bed and try to "squeeze" the urge out of myself, but it doesn't always work.
If anyone can offer any advice for what to do when I get these urges that would be greatly appreciated.
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self.offmychest
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What's making me still clinch tightly to life? Fear? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Help I’m awaiting a decision from the police as to whether I go to court. If I do, the outcome will be prison. I’m currently experiencing one of the darkest episodes of depression I’ve ever had, this year I’ve lost my Dad, my job, my sobriety (I’m an alcoholic) and I know no one here in this new town.
I moved here two years ago to be with my girlfriend, we have a two year old boy.
The point is, I’ve thought and thought about this, and if I get this court date I think I’m going to end my life. I can’t handle life outside of prison let alone in it and this really seems like a viable option.
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self.SuicideWatch
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