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Could really use someone to talk with I dont like "causing trouble" for people. At all. And I dont believe I have any cause to complain in this period of time (white straight male)
But I am rattled. Im really shook up. The October fires that happened in Sonoma County were really really terrifying and stressful. The same week, I saw someone successfully kill themselves. And a few days later, a friend of mine died in his sleep out of nowhere.
Im already major manic depressive, and I know that affects me. But Im really drained. I dont talk to anyone anymore about what bothers me cause I dont feel like I have any grounds to do it.
Could someone please help a guy out for a minute or two? Thats all I want...
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self.depression
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if u read this ur cool bro i love you no homo tho [deleted]
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self.depression
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I got my degree, and my family doesn't even care Bachelors in Physics and Mathematics, 3 years, and a perfect GPA.
I did everything they wanted me to: I made myself into the perfect child for them. I stayed on the straight and narrow path, paid my own way, always looked respectable, was sensible with my money, stayed away from drama, kept good friends, didn't embarrass myself when drinking, didn't sleep around.
I thought it'd be enough this time, but they still don't care. My dad didn't even look away from the TV when I told him, and my mum brushed it off when I spoke to her on the phone. I don't expect a big party, but even just going out to dinner one night. Even just a congratulatory chocolate bar, or a sticker, saying "well done", *anything*. They won't even go to my graduation because they can't be bothered. I thought they'd finally be proud of me. They were so proud of my brother for his 3.0 in Fine Art, so why not me?
I know why.
I'm Autistic, which makes me a huge embarrassment to them and which is something they've expressed multiple times in the past. They can't love me because no matter what I do, I'm always just the defective kid they wish had never been born. They'd rather just pretend that I don't exist, and they don't really appreciate it when I remind them otherwise.
I don't need them. I don't need a family, I have good friends who are proud of me on their behalf. I'm going to go ahead and do whatever the fuck I want to do with my life, and when I'm the one in the family who has status and money, I won't answer their calls.
Edit: wow this really blew up....
Thank you so much for your kind words (and gold?!), they really do mean a lot to me. I'm going to be getting on a plane soon to party it up with friends, but I'll probably spend it reading all of your comments.
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self.offmychest
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Sertraline Hello all..
I know this is a common issue but I kinda just want some advice..
2 years ago i went to a doctor, told her my issues and she prescribed me sertraline. that was 2 years ago, and I was too scared to take it.
Today i went to a psychiatrist and he said I should start taking it, but I have my doubts.
Has anyone got any kind of motivational things to say for me to just start? even if its bad, any stories? I know we arent all doctors but I felt this post was the right thing to send here...
:)
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self.Anxiety
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Psychedelics and depression? Has anyone here used psychedelics and had it have a positive impact on their mental health? I'm planning on dropping some acid and hoping I maybe gain some new perspective or motivation in life as I've been severely suicidal and antisocial for about half a year now. And yes I have done acid before and I know its not some kind of miracle drug. Just wondering if you guys have any positive stories about changing behavior through psychedelic drugs
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self.SuicideWatch
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My anxiety makes me feel like I'll look like I'm "trying too hard" in my relationship Does anyone else feel this? To elaborate, I've been in a relationship for the past 2.5 years and I feel like any efforts to be sweet to my partner will be interpreted as me trying too hard to make him like me? Every time I ask my partner if I can do something, he gives me a weird look and will go "of course, why wouldn't I want you to?"....What gives lmao. Literally have no idea how to get over this feeling!
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self.Anxiety
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this may be the wrong place,but can anyone just talk to me? I'm having trouble. do what you need. I'll give my snapchat if anyone wants it. its rsullan8
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self.Anxiety
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constant bipolar and depression I want to be totally honest, because I need real advice. when I was 12 and 13 I self harmed and I developed a slight eating disorder. Around this time the love of my middle/high school relationship developed and he helped me stop self harming. but the eating disorder stayed with me. Then, around age 15 or 16 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My high school boyfriend cheated on me and them started dating her. I got through high school slowly and got involved in some art mural type stuff to keep myself busy. I was accepted in to my dream college and I kept moving forward. My first semester here was great! Might a guy who has over time accepted and helped me with anxiety, depression, and bipolar tendencies.
He was away from school this past weekend and I drank with some of my girl friends, but all of my happiness went away once I got back to my dorm because I realized my man wasn't here for me while I started having tons of panic attacks and I started to feel depressed. One night while he was gone I self harmed. One of my best friends saw what I had done and was very concerned. She told my boyfriends roommate who would do anything for me because we are very close. I was drunk so they were both taking care of me all night. Another one of our friends also found out I self harmed and is understanding because his girl friend also struggles with issues like these. A this point, I feel like our whole groups knows I'm depressed lately and showing extreme bipolar tendencies. But, I don't know who knows. I feel so ashamed. Telling my boyfriend that I cut my legs was humiliating. I thought that I was okay and I didn't feel the need to harm myself anymore. Now, I don't feel okay anymore. I realized that my today marks the day that my boyfriends grandfather passed away last year and I feel selfish as fuck for feeling so depressed and having anxiety attacks while he's probably having a rough day. By boyfriend suggested I make a reddit about because I HATE seeing a therapist, it does nothing for me.
If anyone has any suggestions at all about anything I have said please comment.
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self.depression
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I've burnt some bridges... Not too many, but I still think about them over time. One was an ex, but she was more depressed than I was at the time. Then when I showed imperfections, she stopped having sex with me and dumped me. Useless whore.
The others were from high school. I'm 27. I can tell you that most high school relationships, especially if you go to college, will die. Unless they are special people.
The people who don't understand that you have a condition are the people who don't belong in your life. If you lost someone because of your disorder, just remember that there are many others out there that understand. And the friends that stuck with you through your episodes? Those are true friends. Find true friends.
Stay on your meds.
Love,
A Friend
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self.bipolar
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I really am better off dead. The only thing holding me back is my family's feelings. Mixed with black and suffer from internalized racism due to being bullied in high school by mostly black people. The racial tensions after trump became president don't help much either.
Have trouble with women. I have a tendency to go for women who usually don't find me their type.
I'm not smart.
All I do is go to school and work. Same thing. Everyday. Wage slave system. I hate the fact we live in a world where there's a wage slave system and there's not much people can do about it except convince themselves this life they lead is actually meaningful.
Thought my purpose in life was to make something great of myself, but I gave up on that dream when I took my first engineering class at university and realized I'm not as smart as I used to think.
Then I thought it was love , but reading the dating stories here and break up stories I believe love is something that *used* to exist. I feel like a lot of couples out there would be just friends if sex wasn't involved.
I don't think there's anything for me here.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Who I am is someone I don't want to be, I can't make it in this world with who I am and I've considered that a failure. This portrait of mine, which features a man in his early 20s. Pale skinned, long natural red hair, 5,11, a little bit on the skinny side, but healthy. Within his eyes, you could see the excitement he had for life, the bright colours that surrounded him everyday, from the bricks that glowed orange to the sunrise that created a place only heaven could create.
Now, the colours have grown more grey, everything feels plain and the man has lost sight of who he was before. A wide eyed optimistic person who had high hopes for the future. But as it stands, in this portraits lies a man who does not like who he is.
He regrets growing up as a plain person that people never cared for. He was never considered to be anything of importance by anyone, he was just there, quiet, isolated and repressed. Never again would he seen the sunrise that made him happy as a child nor would he sing like he used too. His dreams slowly became impossible to hold as he moved around his world in the routine that it has presented to him.
He does the same routine everyday, with no answers as to where it will take him. Who he is, is not someone he wants to be, he can't make it in this world with who he is and he's considered himself a failure.
Nobody cared for him and in return, he has kept himself away and knew that he was a useless waste of space. The world has changed and people like him have not worth and were left to rot.
The future has been destroyed by past events, the over confidence of the world has killed many people's chances at a happy life and now he has become one of the many lost causes.
He called himself ugly, worthless, hopeless among many other sad and tragic phrases. He knew that the future would not be kind to him and it would kick him in the ass until he dropped dead.
Gone are the days where he dreamt of having a house by a peaceful landscape full of plains and an ocean as clear as the sky itself. Sitting by a loved one as they watched the sun go to sleep and the night cover the sky with beautiful colours and stars.
Now, he sits alone in his room which is slowly gaining dusting around him. He slowly breaths it all in and is waiting for the end.
That portrait of this man I'm talking about....is me and I hope that one day this happens...but it's just a dream that will never come true.
Life has left me to rot, I'll get the chance to see the one who loves me for who I am. I'll get to see my children and I'll never grow old because if I do, life will kick my ass until I'm down and out.
The world I live in now is grey and treats people like they are disposable material used for a short time before they are crushed and left for dead.
The hopelessness has crawled into me and it's never let go...my only option is this belt beside me and this lonely room I live in.
Who I am is someone I don't want to be, I can't make it in this world with who I am and I've considered myself a failure.
A failure in my early 20s...why is that not surprising?
I guess that is the many questions that life leaves you.
But sadly, they will never be answered.
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self.SuicideWatch
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That tightness in my chest won’t go away I suffer from anxiety and PTSD. I have been in therapy for almost ten years workin through my trauma. For some reason when the holidays get closer my anxiety goes through the roof. No matter what coping skills I use my chest is tight. Tonight it feels like I’m having a heart attack. I can’t get my breathing to slow, I get dizzy/lightheaded and the panic attack leads into a flashback. Can anyone share coping mechanisms they use? I’m desperate and feeling completely overwhelmed!
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self.Anxiety
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i’m lying about my age and i’m scared they’ll find out [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I want to but I don't want people to think it's about him I was seeing (I guess we can call it that) a guy and he ended it today.
And that made me sad but honestly basically all my stuff is fucked up right now.
I'm broke. Work is scarce and I'm freelance so that means money is scarce.
I'm behind on rent. I'm behind on everything.
I'm gonna lose my car in 10 days.
I'm getting divorced.
And no one really cares about me.
I'm trash.
And I want to kill myself.
I'm looking into the methods and what would be easiest and most effective. But I don't want him to think it's about him.
I don't want that to be what people think it is.
It's not about him.
It's about a long slog of life full of people that never really liked me or cared about me. Who threw me away. And treated me badly.
It's about a life of doing the right thing at the way wrong time and getting punished for it.
It's about a girl who tried her hardest and didn't get the results that anyone else did.
It's about me knowing I'm turning into my monstrous abusive family and not wanting to inflict that on anyone else. Ever.
I'm a monster because I emotionally blackmailed this guy. I was all if you want to cut this off I'm cutting myself. And that's wrong.
I'm going to cut myself. I did cut myself. Because something is internally wrong with me and I don't do unhappiness like everyone else. Not him
And now I want to kill myself and yet, I don't cuz I don't want to out that on him.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone else HATE waking up to pee? It’s like, thanks body, i finally get to sleep, and now there’s just enough time for the anxious feelings to settle in.
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self.Anxiety
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Success timing activity for PMS and cyclical energy levels? I haven't officially tracked it but I've noticed there's about a week of time around my period (before and at the start) I'm unusually sluggish. There's really nothing I can do about it but weather through. Every time this happens I say I'll track and plan ahead so I can schedule around it, but I never do.
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self.bipolar
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Is my Lexapro not working? After years of feeling depressed, two months ago I was given a prescription for Lexapro as my first AD. I took 10mg for a month and felt like it worked a little after two weeks, but I was back to feeling 100% depressed and anxious by week 4. My prescription got bumped up to 20mg. Around week 3 of the higher does I felt a little better in general and had two really great days. Now that I’m to week 4 of my new dose I’m laying on my couch very depressed every night again (including right now). Does this mean Lexapro doesn’t work for me? It feels like the effects wear off after a week, and they are so minute I can’t tell if it’s just all in my head. Where do you suggest I go from here?
*Edit: spelling
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self.depression
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Don't you hate new years? Soon as I started hearing fireworks and I looked outside my window to see them, there was only one thought that came to mind. "new years really puts a perspective on how much time has past and what little I did".
I have to start looking for an apprenticeship as I am not going uni, but i can't. I just can't I dont know what the fuck I can be, Im literally going with what subjects I chose which I dont even know if i can enjoy with my social anxiety. Im looknig at all these apprenticeship wondering "what will happen then? will I be happy"
I came into work today, and for some reason, I just couldn't stop thinking about my future. I mainly kept wondering if I was to grow old alone, I dont mind if that was my future, but I think the whole time I would be wondering I would kill myself. If I had a partner, maybe I can be happy for her. Maybe I can make my life meaningful, make it a reason to live.
but who would want me? I play a lot of games and sometimes record myself, and when I heard myself, I just feel like crawling into a hole and never getting out. why do i sound so weak? so fucking pathetic?
Why cant I be a inspiration, why am i me.
As I kept wondering about this a made a mistake in work which led to everyone looking at me. I know they said stuff behind me, but i dont care, I deserve it.
I asked this nice girl if she would give me a lift home which she agreed. This only led to me being the last to walk out of the store with everyone gone, including my ride. Guess she was joking, or just didnt want to give me a ride.
So I walked with songs on my earphones in. I just wanted to run, be stabbed anything. I felt so depressed I wanted to cry, why am i me, why cant i be something instead of nothing?
Its because I was raised that way, raised to be pathetic and stupid, like everyone has ever said to me since my birth.
At one point a man was actually walking towards me in a shady way, I had my earphones in I quickly looked up to notice, which he immediately walked in a different direction and passed me.
I just thought then "why, Im fucking self loathing here wanting to die, and im so godamn selfish to want to live, what the fuck do I want"
I dont want to die, I want to start a new life, I want to be free of burden, and be a new me. I want a plan for my future, I want to know what I want for my future, I want to love someone, I want to feel that warmth of knowing that someone really cares for who you are. I want to have kids, I want to see there happy face as I grow up with them and play with them as long as I can. I want to let go of this burden of being me and buy a new me. I want to live a happy life, I want a reason to live. and not a reason like "It will get better" but "Im living for this/them"
But I can't. I'm me, im damaged, and I just want to be thrown away, I'v tried. Iv tried so much to change, but I cant change. Im me, broken, worthless, no future for happiness, and deserves to die for it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Share your excruciating moments i just want to see [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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New meds... Again. Okay so a little backstory: ive recently been diagnosed with bipolar II. I was on cymbalta alone then tapered off from 60mg to 30mg and stopping 100mg of trazadone, then put on 150mg of seroquel while tapering the cymbalta. My manics consist of super cleaning the house without being able to relax while feeling extremely irritable to the point of wanting to kick someones ass if they look at me wrong, normal days are a light depressive state filled with intrusive thoughts and worry, worse days are extreme depression with similar effect and suicidal ideation.
My doctor has not put me on 5mg of trintellix this week, 10mg next week, while keeping the seroquel. Has anyone has this mix, had one or the other medications, and what has been your experience.
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self.bipolar
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Being outside alone makes me anxious I’m off of anxiety medication cause I have more depression than anxiety and my doctor didn’t want me taking two medications but I was like okay I guess since I’ve been at home a lot and don’t really go outside unless I have to, but yesterday I went out alone and I thought I was going to have a panic attack I was so anxious. I never thought I’d experience something like this cause I used to be okay with being alone outside
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self.Anxiety
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Lithium Toxicity? I understand people here cannot give medical advice, but I am just really looking to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.
Last night after taking my lithium (600mg 2x day) I became violently ill and emptied my stomach. The same thing happened last Thursday. Now, this morning, I almost threw up again after taking my morning dose, but had nothing in my stomach. I still feel nauseous and incredibly dizzy and just unwell in general. I have an appointment with a doctor at 1:30pm but I feel like I'm not going to make it.
I have not had my lithium levels checked since I was on 450mg 2x day over 3 months ago, and those levels were slightly below therapeutic, which is why my doctor increased my dosage. I understand that is abnormal, but I access my services through my university, and it's difficult over the summer.
My doctor doesn't seem too concerned over the phone, and I don't know if I'm overreacting.
Has anyone on lithium ever experienced these symptoms?
ETA: Thank-you for everyone who replied. I may have been overreacting, but I got bloodwork earlier today and will get my results tomorrow. The doctor I saw didn't seem to really know what was going on with Lithium in general, but I only really needed him to get an order for bloodwork. Also, to clarify, I gave the sizes of each capsule, not the total dose. I went from 900mg --> 1200mg.
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self.bipolar
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It's gets worse and worse as each year passes. Right now all I can think about is that I have to do this again for another year. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm a gay man. Stop telling that "I just need to find a good woman" I'm a 30something year old out gay man. And I'm so tired of people (who know that I'm gay) saying that I just need to find "a good woman", or that "maybe I should just try being with a woman". It took me years to be where I am, and I am damn proud of it. And it wasn't easy. I've lost friends and family along the way, but also managed to make new ones. And the ones I've kept are even more special to me now. Whenever people say that it feels like we're going back in time and it undermines my journey as a gay person.
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self.offmychest
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I'm a STEM major and want to drop out There. I'm not committed enough. I *hate* physics and math. I really love biology, but getting over the first levels of inorganic chemistry and calculus is proving so hard. I also failed physics so I'll have to resit it. I've never felt so royally stupid in my whole life, and I don't know if I can handle 5 more years of this.
Recently I applied to an art university as a spur of the moment decision and was accepted. I don't even know what to do, my head is going to explode.
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self.offmychest
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Sat in a ditch by some train tracks. Apologies for typos my fingers are cold and I'm on mobile. Just skipped school, put on some headphones and went for a walk down a train track. Hid at the side once I realised I was on the wrong side and could see a train in front me haha. Still there in a ditch. I don't know what to do.
EDIT: About five minutes after posting a driver saw me. He stopped the train (procedure?) and I ran like shit. I'm now hiding. I have a really recognisable uniform, bag and hat I was wearing so I took those off; I'll probably get caught because if that fact when I passed the crossing but fuck it. I think I'll wait a few hours then go home. But I actually felt alive. Not happy. But at least I know I'm not fucking dead already.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Throughout the years I've learned that you really can't count on anyone. I've accepted the fact that people do let you down and never truly redeem themselves. I'm tired of putting my trust in others, I'm tired of being the one that is loyal to no end, I'm just so tired.
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self.depression
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Should I kill myself for being an incel? I really wanna die over it. I hate being the guy that has to settle with being alone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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5오전 5오전
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아
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차라리 살아보지 못한 편이 좋을거야
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lamictal So I had been diagnosed as BP back in 2012. At the time the psychiatrist then has put me on Saphris. I took myself off of it because i slept so much that I didn’t do anything else. Just recently I went back to a new psychiatrist ((after some pretty bad episodes and encouragement from my ex)) and she has put me on Lamictal. I’m just curious as to how some of ((if any)) you have reacted to this particular medication.
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self.bipolar
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Homeless people keep breaking into our stairwell and doing drugs [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I just need some help. How do I keep going after time and time and time again I tell myself things will get better and I try my hardest but I still end up one bad thing from putting a gun in my mouth. I just want something to help change my mind because I’m becoming tired of living like this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Should I confess to a lie about my sexual past? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Would anyone be interested in a discord group chat? [removed]
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self.bipolar
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I don't think Ive ever been this low I recently was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, like three months ago and I have been struggling since. I am chronically sick already and this year has been a whirl wind of a year, first I didn't get the job I busted my ass for in an internship, then my cat died, then my partner admitted to never loving me and I found out he was talking to another woman while we were living together and telling her I was his roommate, and then I found out he was bitching about the fact that he was dating a chronically sick poor person who couldn't afford fancy vacations, and then I had to move out, find a job in the service industry and I ended up falling into a pretty abusive relationship with a guy almost immediately after moving out of my ex's place because, I was lonely and idiotic. I broke up with him when I realized he was trying to manipulate me, and I have a decent job that I like now, and I live in a really great home but I can't help but feel like shit. I am too depressed to leave my house, I've gained weight, Im dissociated, I can't connect with anyone and for the first time in a long time, I can't think about anything else but self harming.
I know I'm in a better place now, but it's almost like all the shit from this year is just now finally hitting me and I can't help but feel incredibly alone, scared, and lost.
TLDR: I'm not sure how to handle this new diagnosis and move on from a series of really fucking bad relationships.
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self.depression
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I'm tired Suicide has been more and more on my mind lately. I've been thinking about taking pills, or cutting my wrists, or both, for at least a month now. This is after not having suicidal thoughts for months before.
I called off work this morning bc I couldn't get out of bed. I said I had a stomach bug. Which is partially true tbh, I do have a stomachache bc I binged on candy last night. But it was a half hour before I had to leave, and I couldn't get myself out of bed. And this is the 6th time I've called off in 6 months, and I know that looks bad, and part of me cares and is really anxious about it and part of me doesn't care.
I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I'm so tired of feeling everything. I just want to be numb for a long time. Maybe I don't actually want to die. Idk. But idk what to do. I just want to be done, I want to kill my self, but I can't get up the guts to do it
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self.SuicideWatch
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I (19/m) Went weeks without a panic attack until last night I thought I made so much progress and now I feel like I’m just back to where I started. Need motivation and advice if anyone wants to supply either or!
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety that keeps me from doing things that only benefit myself This title is probably kind of confusing... im still trying to wrap my mind around it myself. My anxiety is pretty mild, i rarely ever have panic attacks and ive never really gone to a doctor bc i know it isnt really a problem until it “interferes with your everyday life”... well here is the thing. If there is something that i NEED to do like clean the house to make my mom happy, do my sister’s laundry, do homework so i get good grades, go to work... basically anything that involves or benefits anyone else. I can just get up and do it no problem and i feel pretty good about it afterwards.
However the second i decide im going to wake up make myself some chocolate chip pancakes, take a nice long shower, pluck my eyebrows, read for once and maybe even bake some cookies... i just cant. I’ll spend hours laying in bed or on the couch, being distracted by my phone, feeling like i need to do just anything and everything else first. And before i know it the day is gone and ive barely managed to grab a disappointing bowl of cereal and throw myself into a 15 minutes shower before bed.
Its like i can do anything i want so long as my mind deems it “productive” and the second i just want to do something for me, i shut down.
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self.Anxiety
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My wife can't stand me, I'm miserable, and we have no way out because of our kids. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Feeling lonely or depressed on NYE? Feel free to reach out! Hiya redditors of r/depression, as a person who suffers from depression and social anxiety, I know what it’s like to feel lonely, particularly on big holidays like these.
If anyone is feeling down or lonely or depressed feel free to PM me! Nobody deserves to be depressed, especially on a holiday that’s supposed to be happy and hopeful. I welcome any and all messages (if you need to rant, or just talk, etc.)
Have a wonderful NYE everybody!
(Post inspired by a similar post on r/socialanxiety)
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self.depression
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This sucks I just can’t do it anymore. Anxiety sucks. I hate my major, my lack of sex life and my self most days. Can’t sleep because of tinnitus. I hate existing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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It's funny cause I'll still get anxiety or have a panic attack. And be overthinking work. But every time I wake up and end up doing a good job everybody tells me. Idk why I was worrying the night before lol. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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So depressed I cant even make it to school [deleted]
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self.depression
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I got a little job! I'm so excited and I can't believe it.
I got a small job offer out of the blue this morning. I'm worried about being capable to do it as well as how it will affect my SSI hearing. I know I won't be making much as the job is mostly tentative.
The job is by myself and no human interaction which is ideal for me at this time. I just can't believe that somebody thought of me and hope that I can be reliable.
Thanks for always being there guys.
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self.bipolar
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I'm not trying to be convinced into living You are born
No one asked you
You get what you get
If it's not a lot it's your parents fault
And theirs before them
All the way down the line
To the first man
Life is such that we can go through it now largely alone
It didn't used to be like that
But we are like that now
Better technology
A lot of posters on suicide forums wants to be argued into going on
That's not true
A lot of them want to get some sort of stamp of approval
For hating life
It's like they want you to say it's okay life is awful
Or perhaps it's a last ditch attempt to find something in common with someone
Either way, it speaks to the primitive need for acceptance
Isn't that nice?
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self.SuicideWatch
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The date is set: March 6th, 2018 My 21st birthday. I feel at peace because I know I’ll not feel any pain anymore. I am not hungry or thirsty. I feel nothing knowing that I will not suffer anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do you ever feel like nobody you love is listening? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Being kicked out of the school I've grown up around since I was born [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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She is making you toxic and you like it Today I found out that you gave her a promise ring after only actually dating for a few months. Remember right after you and her had a fight she had another guy lined up on the side, she probably still does for whenever this goes south. Remember that you and her had a dinner date and invited your friends over but surprise they didn't show up because they don't like her and now the person you are becoming. Remember that they didn't turn their backs on you, you walked away and called another place "home" and made your choice to leave the house every night and never show up anymore because you wanted to push yourself out. Go ahead and let yourself be fooled into loving someone who tested your loyalty and ended up taking it so you are now never to be a loyal man. Your word means nothing. Your promises mean nothing. They never have and they never will. You changed into a monster that your true friends will not support anymore. Even your home friends don't show much interest in her for she embodies the single ideas that it's her way or no way. There are many people that don't like her and now there are many more people that don't like you. You made yourself this way. You choose to live this life.
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self.offmychest
|
So i finally tried meditating And WOW it really hypnotized me into a more positive version of myself. Going to fall asleep via hypnosis :)
The funny things that it made me realize:
-I haven't let my shoulders relax... for many, many months.
-I haven't let my eyes/face relax for awhile. It's been tense for a while.
-I have been making my voice much deeper than it actually is. For a long time I was wondering what the hell my real voice is because I never had a consistent voice.
It seriously felt amazing. I had never felt more relaxed in my life. I suggest everyone to do it!
Just google meditation on Youtube, and find something that focuses on your issue :)
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self.Anxiety
|
Natural Alternatives Hey all,
Using a throwaway for privacy reasons.
I have found myself taking klonopin nearly every day (before bed and sometimes during the day). This has been going on for a few months. I've had benzo rx's for probably the last decade or longer but only used them when i had to give a presentation (in conjunction with inderal which changed my life).
Both my p-doc and I don't want this to be a long term thing but nothing else seems to help me be less tense and anxious. I also think I should probably be drinking less (or not at all). I'm just a ball of nerves all day every day and want to be able to relax. I've always had some sort of unhealthy crutch my entire adult life and its just not sustainable.
I've tried meditation quite a few times but could never get into it. Exercise helps but I have a few nagging injuries that have curbed my activity level.
Recently I've tried a few magnesium supplements without much effect and a few l-theanine supplements which seemed to actually cause me more anxiety. I tried cbd oil several months ago and honestly don't think it did much (i used the entire bottle, taking 5 drops twice a day until it was gone). I turned to a thc vape pen for a little bit but i liked it a little too much so i tossed it before it became a habit. I tried kava but its a pain to prepare, tastes awful, possibly messes up your liver, and almost definitely will lead to skin problems if used regularly.
Is there anything else to be tried (supplements or anything)? I am in therapy and have read more self help books than i can imagine. I just want a natural way to relax that isn't dangerous.
Thanks for reading
**TL;DR** want to stop using klonopin to manage my anxiety, can't find anything safe or healthy to do so
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self.Anxiety
|
It feels debilitating. So, I have really bad anxiety. It's currently not as bad as it's been but it feels absolutely debilitating. My anxiety feels completely inescapable and paralyzing and I'm so fucking sick of it. Every day is me trying my absolute hardest and still not doing that great and I'm so tired of it. I'm like, currently on the edge of a panic attack and I've just gotten up. I'm just so fucking exhausted all the time from how much my brain is freaking out. I just wanna not overthink things and be free to do what I want. It feels like every time I go to therapy I get told the same things about anxiety and asked if I want to change and if I ever think I'll be free from my anxiety. I feel like my anxiety will always be a part of me to some extent and apparently that's wrong but right now, how can I feel any different?
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self.Anxiety
|
Struggling to keep going, literally only for family and cowardice. Came from a very privileged background, despite endless divorces in my family. Didn't really want for anything, went to private schools. I was even pretty popular, especially in high school despite not being athletic or "cool." People just tend to like me, or used to.
College was fun but I was so sheltered I wasn't prepared. Lots and lots of drinking and drugs. Fast forward and I didn't graduate, just a semester or so shy. There was some traumatic shit that followed and I've spent the last 8 years in a complete haze.
Just hitting 30 next week and I can safely say that I've wasted my 20s. The best years of my life gone. Forever. The idea that I have 30-40 more years of life (maybe) is both terrifying and demoralizing to me. I have all but pushed my friends away and I moved away from the vast majority of them to pursue a job I hated. I have a new job now, but its more mindless bullshit at a desk that I couldn't care less about.
Rationally, I understand that the vast majority of people will end up in careers that they are more or less neutral to, if not outright dislike. My problem is, I have zero goals for my future. Even a week from today. My health is in the absolute shit (almost back up to my fattest, currently 290). I have no concept of my sense of self. Been many years since I've had any sexual stimulation to the point where I don't even jerk it anymore. No savings in the bank. I just don't see the point.
To top it all off, I know that these are 1st world problems. I know I've thrown away my potential, had there been any, and I've scoffed at opportunities. I do not feel that I deserve love and attention and I truly wish I hadn't been born. Can't even take myself out as it would quite literally destroy my family, even though they see me once a year. I've gone to therapy and I don't know what I want out of that either. Gaming, films, music, none of these give me any happiness anymore. They all feel the same and "for those other people." Not sure if that makes sense.
I don't think I will kill myself, but this slog is getting heavier every fucking day.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Really need advice: making a decision about treatment TODAY Hi guys. This post is about me getting treatment. I am not sure if I should do that or not. I really need advice and someone else's perspective so bare with me please.
I've been finally diagnosed with major depression - finally had courage to go to a psychiatrist. I went to a private clinic as an anonymous patient (it's possible in my country, not so sure about how it works elsewhere) so that the diagnosis wouldn't stick to my personal file. It's a big deal because it can be hard to get a permit to drive, travel, work in certain fields if they find out this condition. So I got the diagnosis, I got some advice and medication that can be prescribed to anonymous patients (you can be an anonymous, but they can't actually treat depression anonymously since it is illegal - my country's suicide rates are so high that every depression diagnosis that's kept in secret is considered another statistic).
So I've been diagnosed, got medication, was waiting in line to get to a hospital for a month. I would have been treated for anxiety and panic attacks that do happen, but not for depression (since it's illegal). Well the day came and now I'm doubtful.
My anxiety is pretty bad. I am always super nervous, feeling like my stomach is missing. If something goes wrong during the day, I can't sleep or eat, it triggers depressive and suicidal thoughts and everything just goes downhill from there.
So I needed your opinion - should I try to stick to my plan (seeing psychologist once a week and a psychiatrist twice a month) and see how that works or should I just get to a clinic, get treated for anxiety without treating depression and hope for the best? Because it sort of feels like treating one of many symptoms or like putting a band aid over a major crack that is only going to fix things while I'm in the clinic and not for the long run.
Again, since I want to remain anonymous and keep my file as clean as possible, I can't even tell them that I have depressive thoughts since they would immediately put me in another ward and register me as a depression patient...
Edit: I am also super poor, making around 600 euros a month and 26 days in the clinic would cost me 700. I borrowed the money but am too anxious to spend it on something that might not work at all...
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self.depression
|
How can I get over being depressed when that's who I am? I've come to realize that my depression has become a fundamental part of my self-image, so much so that I can't imagine what it would be like to not be depressed. There have been times when I have felt something close to what I imagine most people feel like all the time, but this only occurs when I've been drinking. If I'm not sad, I just feel nothing. And isn't that just another kind of sadness?
Lately people have been telling me to just "Get over it" or to figure my shit out. This has to be the laziest way of giving advice to people. People like to phrase it like, "deal with your problem" but it's complete nonsense. Think about it, the words don't refer to anything specific; there's no actions or process that it highlights that will fix anything, it's just a demand that you go from one state: unhappiness, to another "fixed" state of being.
If being depressed is part of my being, and I'm supposed to "fix" that, what else can I do? Sadly, I come to suicidal thoughts thinking about this problem. The only way to fix me is to eliminate myself. Maybe that's extreme, but frankly, no one has provided a better answer to what it means to fix myself.
What kind of things do you think of when you think of "dealing with" things, or "Getting over" something? Is it just like, forgetting? I don't know.
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self.depression
|
Hostile suicide. (spinoff of passive suicide)
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it was once passive, like two days ago and years before then, but something happened on the 18. it usually isn’t like this, i mean, yeah i think about suicide every second of the day, and yeah i can’t stop ever thinking about being dead, and yeah i relate anything anyone ever says to suicide, but it was different that day. not a good different. it felt amplified (i didn’t know it could be amplified), i didn’t want to move out of my chair to go to my next class. i wanted to scream at anyone who talked to me. i didn’t, so i just kept it inside me, and it’s the worst feeling of depression i’ve ever felt in my life after roughly 5 years.
————————————————————
my thought process:
————————————————————
the only possible way is suicide, there’s no getting out of this. but i can’t?? why can’t i bring myself to actually commit suicide??? i just want it over. i gotta think of everything that’s stopping me from from doing it, and change that.
the people i care about is the only thing stopping me. now all i gotta do is stop caring, or make sure they’ll benefit from me being dead. sure, they’ll grieve, but that doesn’t last forever.
————————————————————
i continued to think about how everyone will benefit, and if i couldn’t think of anyway that they’ll benefit, i put them into a box in my head that read “do not care about”. and left it at that.
————————————————————
if you watch he vampire diaries, you could say i “flipped the switch”
————————————————————
and i feel better than ever. i honestly don’t care about literally anything. this is the best thing i’ve done in a while, and all i can picture is my dead body in the garage. and it makes me happy. i just need to figure out a time and method, already got method down, just 1 part to go. past me was so scared of this. this happened once before in october when i made the decision i would finally commit suicide, but i never got past that, i never chose a method or time, and when i was finally passively suicidal again, i was so damn scared that that would ever happen again. and it has. but present me is so gleeful and eccentric about it, i don’t remember what i was so afraid of. it’s the best thing that could ever happen to me.
————————————————————
i’m not typing all this to get people to tell me to not do it, because i don’t think anything at this point will make
me change my mind. if i’m being honest here, the best anyone could do is delay it because i haven’t chosen a time yet.
i’m typing this because i know any other part of me would; i type in my notes when i need to vent, rarely here. but when it’s that bad, i usually come here. although i don’t get responses, it helps me cope knowing 9 people saw it and 1 cared enough to say some pity words. i guess i went to
r/depression but i don’t know if that makes a difference. oh well, i think this is the correct subreddit for this post.
————————————————————
i hope everyone isn’t as weak as me and doesn’t do what i did! :)
————————————————————
i think i read somewhere that being calm and cool and collected while in the midst of an extremely depressive episode is before you commit suicide, but oh well, that’s good news to me :)
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self.SuicideWatch
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Planned my suicide I now have it all planned out for Dec. 15, should give me a chance to do everything I want to before I die. I have everything I need to do it ready. There’s no turning back now, this is happening, whether I like it or not.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else bite their hands? Like, the pain makes me forget my depression for a second.
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self.depression
|
Lithium for the first time So I recently came out of a manic episode and I have to thank all of bipolar reddit for helping me through it and urging me to talk to my doctor. It got much worse after I posted about the delusions. I'm also sorry for any looney sounding thing I posted on this subreddit.
Anyway! Because of this my unmedicated bipolar has come to it's end and my doctor is prescribing me lithium. I know there are probably many posts on this but I'd really like to hear from you guys again. Tell me the good the bad, what to expect, what dose helped you? What dose was too much? What symptoms did it help you with? Side effects? Etc.
For additional information I'm 19 years old and female and I also have a hormone iud implant as birth control. Does it effect that?
All help is welcome!!!
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self.bipolar
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My dad thinks I want to kill myself but I don't. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
New job and I’m terrified I left a job in a field I had been in for 15 years and moved to something in the same company that is as different as night and day for a title and $10,000 pay increase.
After just two days I can tell I hate the work load, the hours (which went from 35 hours a week to 50), and just the utter isolation of it.
I am an anxious person in general but my stomach is killing me.
My wife is depending on me for an increase in our standard of living but I feel like I won’t see her nearly as much nor have the alone time each week I need to stay sane.
I am freaking out.
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self.Anxiety
|
Depressive episode and exams I have an oral business exam tomorrow. I don't study business, but it's mandatory. It's the 1st semester of my graduate studies.
I don't deal with exam anxiety, and I am okay with receiving whatever grade my teachers decide. I can manage, and I know it won't be the end of the world.
But I feel so bad about my lack of studying properly. I was supposed to spend the entire weekend studying, but then I went out for beers from 4pm - 3am on friday, and then spent all yesterday in bed overeating, because my current low-key depressive episode got bad. And now I haven't prepared enough, and I just can't make myself do it, because I still feel so so bad.
Sometimes I wish I could just use this disorder as an excuse, but I don't. I barely even talk about my disorder. I just really want to explain to people around me, why I am not doing enough. I'm not lazy, I'm just depressed :(
Does anyone struggle with the same feelings toward exams? Not necessarily anxiety surrounding it, or being afraid of bad grades, but feeling like shit for not doing enough?
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self.bipolar
|
Why'd he call me. I was ready to do it, prepared and had all my shit to kill myself. But then he called me and asked me to not do it. And I couldn't after hearing him cry.
Part of me is really upset that he did, I really don't want to be alive. Part of me is really happy he did. I really don't know why
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self.depression
|
How do I take off work for anxiety? I sometimes have days where my anxiety gets so out of control that I have a very hard time functioning even with my medication. I know that I should call off work since I won't be able to do my job well and it's just what is best for me, but not only do I feel guilty about it, I'm really worried that if I call off my boss won't understand my disorder and will fire me. What do I say to my boss and how do I say it?
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self.Anxiety
|
My sister molested me and no one seems to care. I have never used reddit and I am not even sure I am doing this right. I got an account simply so someone would finally listen to me. That's all I want, but apparently thats a hard task. So the story: when I was six years old, my sister began molesting me. She is three years older than me and has always been the "golden child." It went on for six years. I hate talking about it, because it was traumatic. It started out with slow advances and making me watch her masturbate and eventually became her making me orally stimulate her breasts/ touch her genitals. She would also use tampons to touch me and stuff. This shit was traumatic and effected me in SO many ways. I am a terrible person to people because of what she did. I am embarrassed, shameful, mortified...we are both girls which makes it worse. Well, last week I finally snapped and told my parents because they were saying I was so mean to my sister. I didn't try it is just a defense mechanism and I want nothing to do with her. I am now 20. I held on to this secret for 15 years. Long story short, my parents sat down with us and tried addressing my sister. She had a major panic attack and said she never remembered that happening. She pulled the suicide card (like she always does when she gets in trouble) and my parents have been giving her the attention ever since. She keeps yelling she's a monster and deserves to die and what not. She will not talk to me because it is "uncomfortable" for her. WELL GUESS WHAT...I HAVE BEEN UNCOMFORTABLE FOR THIRTEEN YEARS SO SUCK IT UP. My parents keep saying she was probably molested herself which is why she did these things to me and so I need to be compassionate and understanding. Well, I don't what to be compassionate. She is my abuser. My parents are spending all their time with her since this happened. I feel like they're making her out to be the victim when I AM THE ONE who has suffered alone and silent all these years. But, the fact of the matter is, I will never get attention and help until I scream suicide. And I hate it. And I hate myself. And I just want to be heard.
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self.offmychest
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It's not that I don't like this life, I don't like this reality I want to leave. I don't want to be part of this reality. People identify people only with good or bad/ "toxic".
People won't look at the neurons or synapses or even genes that make a person. Nope, that person is bad and deserves that. If you think like that previous sentence I have a fiery hate for you.
It's luck. A person isn't bad or good or deserves good or bad things. Fuck this "deserves" mindset. I want out of this psychopathic world
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self.depression
|
Fuck this, here's what I'm going to do. *They say when you write down a task, you're more likely to actually do it. But I prefer keyboards and I feel like the thought of other people seeing this would help.*
This life of mine has always been pretty shit. My family fights all day every single fucking day, I've pretty much lost all my friends both online and especially off, and everyday I sit in my filthy room hoping that someday everything will just stop. It's been over three years now, I'm done sitting around and waiting.
I'm cleaning this mess I call a room, cleaning up myself cause I'm not that much better either, going out to get a fucking bike, and whenever things get bad I'm going to ride away. Rain or shine, night or day, I shouldn't have to deal with all this... no one should.
My world is fucked up. Right now I can't even completely get away from the things that make me depressed (still in high school). I just need something to get me through a couple more years.
Thank you to anyone who reads this. I hope you can find a way to get through your battles as well, good luck.
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self.depression
|
There are no words. Words cannot describe the emptiness I feel inside. The only emotions I can feel are guilt, self-hatred, anxiety, depression, and regret. I remember when taking a walk on a nice day would be pleasant. Now it's 4°F outside and the sun hurts my eyes. I remember when fresh snow used to look so mesmerizing and fragile. But now I look outside my window, see fresh snow and I think "Fuck this white bullshit. I can't drive my barely working car in this."
Not that I would go and drive anywhere anyway. Nobody wants anything to do with me. People at my school see me as a freak, a social outcast. I wear all black most of the time with bandannas and necklaces. Y'know. The "Dylan Klebold" type of kid. Might as well carry a TEC-9.
Nobody ever approaches me, and if they do it's just bullshit small talk or they are forced to talk to me because of some school group assignment. Also, to put it lightly...I'm not very photogenic. I'm 6'2'' 120lb male. Skin and bones. I'm blindingly pale and have a lazy eye, I can thank my dad's genes for that >:[ And every girl I've ever tried to get has gone after the stereotypical football player hottie with big biceps. I've faced nothing but constant rejection. From everyone. From my friends, family, my teachers, and even myself. Hell, even my fucking *mailman* rejects me. My package has been sitting in your office for three days. I might as well walk the 3.4 miles down to the post office and get it my damn self. What the fuck man?
Anyways....I just wanna disappear to a far away tropical island for a few months with nobody but my crush and a fuck load of drugs. But that'll never happen. I've never been able to have what I want. I had a fucked up childhood, witnessed my mother throw a vacuum cleaner at my father when I was 6 years old scared and shaking in the corner. My half sisters always pestered the hell out of me, which I think is part of the reason I can't talk to girls well.
I've felt depressed since I was about 14. But every year it slowly eats away at you, and here I am at 18 years old. A legal adult who is a hard drug addict, is essentially broke and works minimum wage, spends any/all income on useless bullshit like the newest adidas shoes or the newest video game, or drugs. Mostly drugs. Ive spent thousands on weed, benzos, blow, acid, shrooms, ecstasy, cigarettes, you name it. I've done it. All besides opiates, meth, crack, and that synthetic weed shit that makes people go ballistic.
I started young too. Took my first hit of weed at 15, tried ecstasy and LSD at 16, coke at 17, and it all went from there. I haven't been sober in years. I've fried my brain. And I can't stop. I'm heavily addicted to benzos and drinking(more so benzos). It's the only thing that stops the nasty thoughts. The pills are the only thing that make my awful thoughts stop. Every day I think of a way I could potentially kill myself. But I've never acted on it. But I'm afraid I might have the balls to do it one of these days and end this constant suffering. My mind is pitch black. The lights are on, but nobody's home. I'm a ghost. I'm a shell of the person I used to be.
Just wanted to get this off my chest. Any replies are greatly appreciated. But don't ask me to go and seek medical help, I'm already in the process. Sometimes I feel like it's making it worse, considering the USA's healthcare system is fucked.
Anyway, thanks for the read.
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self.depression
|
Anybody else whose depressive episodes are damn weird? Reaaally conveniently, I started creeping into a depressive episode this Christmas. By 2 pm in the afternoon the aforementioned day, I decided to shell myself up in my room and sleep it off. I woke up the same day at around 5 pm, ate early dinner, started to find it unbearable and impossible to fake it through, shelled myself up, and cried a bit.
I started reaching out to my band's lead guitarist (whom coincidentally also has had some experience with depression), and got talked out of suicide. ((Note: I wasn't considering suicide at the time, though he helped me find a reason to stay strong through the episode.))
During that time, I also wrote a dark poem on my phone, which proved quite relieving. Within an hour or two, I was back out of my room, using my computer and socializing, albeit with a weird feeling of tearfulness I had to fight off a bit.
After that terrible day, I didn't really feel anything else depression-related. Sure, there's this little bit of anxiety and vague feeling of darkness at the back of my mind, but it didn't really bother me much. It's actually quite nice I'm finally able to sleep more than 6 hours.
...that is, until I started feeling gloomy and dark again shortly before posting this. There really isn't anything to worry about that I can see, but it is how it is. I've also messaged a close friend of mine just to let her know that it isn't her fault I didn't communicate with her at all the day before.
Soooo yeah, is there anybody else whose depressive symptoms come and go within the depressive episode's duration?
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self.bipolar
|
Realisation by The Grinch Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
What if Christmas...perhaps....means a little bit more!
I am the GRINCH AND MY HEART GREW 6 sizes today!!
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self.offmychest
|
Engineer, 23, Considering Suicide - Constantly tired, never fully awake: Running out of Options I'll keep this short.
I'm a 23 year old engineering student. No matter how much I sleep, I am never fully awake. Every single waking hour of the day I feel like sleeping. I can fall asleep anywhere and instantly at any time of the day.
I've been this way for 4 years now and it's no way to live. I don't consider it worth living, so I've been fantasizing about and planning my suicide for the past weeks. I just want to be awake.
Despite sleeping for 8+ hours a day, every day at university or the office is a pain and constant struggle. On the weekends, I sleep for 15-20 hours and still wake up sleepy.
I don't have any friends and don't know anybody except coworkers. My hobbies have gone dormant because I lack energy. Everything is a grey void, I don't feel pleasure in anything. Every day is the same, I've gone numb and the only relief and happiness I feel is when I hit the snooze button and sleep for a few more hours.
My girlfriend of 5 years left me because I could no longer hide my lack of energy. My studies were taking too long, I was too tired for sex and had erectile dysfunction.
I lift heavily for 3 times a week and eat over 4000 kcal, at least 4+ liters of water a day. I have tried up to 800mg of caffeine, Modafinil, Piracetam, Phenylpiracetam, Kratom and GHB. I spend 2€ a day on supplementation of every micronutrient imaginable.
I can swallow 3x200mg caffeine pills, take a cold shower and take 200mg modafinil in the morning and go back to sleep until 4 PM like a baby, feeling tired and sick when I wake up.
My next step would probably Cocaine, just to feel fucking awake for once.
I tested my testosterone and it's below 400 ng/dl. I will try to get on Testosterone Replacement Therapy, maybe this will improve my drive.
I just want to be awake and alive. I've been hesitant to visit a psychiatrist because I don't want to be another victim of antidepressants.
If this doesn't improve, I've made a pact with myself to kill myself after my grandparents have passed away, because they've always looked out for me and it would break their heart.
Any advice is welcome, I'd pay any sum of money to be awake.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It's just not worth it I'm 32 years old, and I'm fucking nothing. I was badly abused and neglected as a child, then I was bullied all through school, which I left as soon as I could when I was 16.
Those early experiences made me have a huge mistrust of people in general. I never really had a job at all, even to this day. I've been trying for the past few years to get my life together, make something worth living.
When people see my CV though, all they see is an almost middle aged man who's done nothing his whole life. No jobs, no relationships, no experience. No wonder I don't get call backs, not even for minimum wage bullshit work.
I've been trying, really trying for 4 or 5 years to get something, anything, but it's always no or maybe, and maybe never call you back. You know how it is.
I'm done. I refuse to fight so hard for the scraps, and not even get those. I refuse to live my life on benefits with no friends, just because the whole world has given up on me.
The biggest lie about all these thoughts, about this mental illness, is that it gets easier with age. That it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's not. Not for me.
I wish I could say it's been fun, but that'd be a lie. I'm out.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Depression = never ending boredom That's how it feels to me anyways. As of this moment I have 0 interest in anything. Over Christmas relatives kept trying to tell me about how excited they are about different TV shows or their political opinions, whatever. I don't even enjoy watching TV anymore and politics are a worthless conversation from my point of view. Anyways, is that how non-depressed people are? Every new TV show that comes out about stopping crimes or whatever is actually something to get excited about?
I keep thinking maybe i was born on the wrong planet....
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self.depression
|
Asking for help I've always had anxiety and have done 2 or 3 lots of therapy and haven't gone back for a couple of years but my anxiety has gotten a lot worse, I think in depressed and I think I have derealisation that really fucks with me, mentally and physically. I'm 15 and don't really know how to ask my mum for help. The last few time I had to go to therapy were becasue of a bigger reason which she already knew about but now it's just the mental health issues in general. Whenever I try and build up the courage to ask her I freak out and don't do it or she just thinks I've had a bad couple of days. Any advice would be helpful
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self.Anxiety
|
Is this POCD or am I a child molester? End of my rope Before I begin, this is a throwaway, I don't want to bury my main, so yeah there's that. Anyway, I'm 17 years old, and in my family we've always been affectionate, butt grabs and leg grabs and smacks aren't anything crazy, which is fine, especially with smaller kids since you can hold them all at once. I have no attraction to kids, and never have, but I've always been bothered by the fact that I notice that some kids are cute. my mum will always say when a kid looks good because they're pretty (in a non sexual way), but it bugs me when I notice that a child has nice eyes and it all cutie like because I always look for ways to compare them to an adult and what if I could be attracted to both? Like if I'm attracted to a slim 20 year old women and a small girl has the same body type, wouldn't I be attracted?
Anyway, I've always been checking for arousal and stuff like that because you obviously want to know you don't want to just be okay with it, I mean what if you have this fucked up sexual preference? How fucked are you? When I was very young I'd always kiss my sister goodnight and just pet her, leg or head or whatever. She's 7 now and I feel weird that she walks around in undies and a singlet (even though I do too) and I keep being scared because I'm being bothered by this, like I'm scared the fact that she is older and I'm scared that I'm seeing qualities in her, like physical ones (although she is topless most of the time and that bothers me less because there's clearly no thoughts or worries there, it's just my chubby sister).
Anyway, one night I though if I petted her like I always did, it would tell me whether or not I'm a pedophile or not. I kissed her goodnight (she was asleep) and I caressed or rubbed her outer thigh like I've always done in the past, and it freaked me out that the skin felt like any other girl that you would touch that's my age. I wasn't aroused, but I was shocked that I noticed this and left the room and I felt this insane feeling like I was being crushed by a building. Holy fuck I have fucked up my life holy shit.
I asked myself "If your mum told you that when she had you she had these worries and she showed you non sexual affection to check, would you feel it was wrong?". And for MYSELF, the answer is no, but for what I did I think it's wrong. My mum does this to my sister even just now as they're cuddling but the problem is that I did it to check, and it's just plain wrong and I've counted how many hours I think about this per day and it's almost twelve, I woke up this morning and my heart and chest felt hot because I remembered what was bugging me(this whole situation).
My sister always jumps on me when I'm sitting so I always end up going for a hub to grab her and accidentally grab her butt, and nothing, even on these hot days when we're sitting close and watching her iPad nothing, but I still feel like this isn't enough proof.
Before I was cuddling her while my mum was talking to me, and as usual we held each other and she was rubbing my arms and just anything (not private parts, obviously) and I was just caressing her thigh like my in a playful way like my mum does with her and me, and I felt so terrible, but I though, you've always done this it's the thoughts and worries bothering you, so I though "Just imagine this is you about to get laid or chilling with a girl you like and you're just warming up" and I looked away and focused on the imagination and I immediately withdrew my hand away because I though "Holy fuck I just used her for sexual intent" and I stopped, but my mum was there so I came back and continue sitting with them and only touched my sister when we where cuddling with the back of my hand while she wanted to have a real cuddle and I put red lines in my head to I don't go up and if I do it should only lead to her tummy or sides and that's it.
My mum even says I don't show her affection as much, and it bugs me that I did this to myself, and honestly I feel like I molested her and I feel the guilt physicaly how bad it is and when I look in the mirror I can see myself looking like a pedo, and I feel like I deserve to be turned in and want to, but how would I explain that "molesting" is touching someone in a non sexual way to see if you would feel something? And why is it that when I ask myself "If my older cousin or mum did the same with me I wouldn't look at it that way" but with me I feel like I am no a child molester.
I want brutal honesty, did I molest my sister when I was trying to arousal myself when I was touching her outer leg/thigh to see if I'd be aroused or is this POCD? I've also been checking my imaging things and I get soft but I keep on trying super hard, like I was caressing her like my mum I completely separated the family connection and tried as hard as possible for it to feel differently because I wanted to be sure.
I want it up straight, did I molest? If I did, I will do the right thing and talk to someone and let it be known.
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self.offmychest
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I can't afford anything, I have no friends, everyone hates me I can't afford even $400 rent. What does that say about me? That I'm worthless. I'm so poor I'll barely be able to eat one meal a day if on my own. My 2 only friends are in different countries. One moved from my home state, and one constantly changes his mind and ignores me, playing mind games all the time. I'm always shot down whenever I try to talk to anyone, or talked over. Me and my opinions don't matter. There's nothing I really wanna do in this life anymore, since I have no reason to live now. If my life is just gonna be working 8 hours everyday for a job that only pays $100 a week, with my depression and confidence holding me back from functioning normally, then what's the point? There's no freedom in my life. I wanna either live free, or die. And since the first option seems pretty impossible, I'm gonna have to go with the second.
But who gives a f*ck anyway, nobody is gonna read this and I'm just gonna rot away without a single friend in the world.
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self.depression
|
In love and stressed out I’m 28 F - my boyfriend (who is 19) and I have been dating 7 months and he wants to move in w me. I would love for him to but he doesn’t know responsibility.
He blew his $400 paycheck in 5 days. Which, I realize it’s the Christmas season but that’s ridiculous. He has no money saved which is just stupid since he lives at home. I mean this is the time he should be saving money. He has a college fund but that’s it.
Which brings me to the fact that he has failed ALL of his classes TWO semesters in a row bc he thinks he can get by without studying. I told him this isn’t high school- no one is going to hold your hand.
I love him so much and would love to live with him (and it would SERIOUSLY help me with my bills) but I just don’t know.
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self.offmychest
|
Reddit is best if you're a liberal. I don't want to turn this into a largely political rant but I feel like those of you who lean to the left have a much better time on reddit. Like-minded people are at every turn.
Whereas with me, I have to just put up with god-bashers, pro-choicers, anti-gun,
I wouldn't say I'm in the right or left. As you may have deduced already, I'm pro-life, NRA, and religious. But at the same time I'm pro LGBT, not a Trump supporter. So I don't have a place on reddit. Most subs freely have posts supporting abortion or taking gun rights or that God is fake. Which is fine, have tour beliefs...but I can't express mine without getting flamed much more heavily.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm so pissed off right now And it's all because I don't have a fucking backbone to say no. Couple months ago two friends asked me if I wanted to go to a concert, excited I was even asked, I said yes. These friends live four hours away and the concert is about an hour from where I live so I figured they would crash at my place and we could hang out afterwards, make some drinks and play a game or something after the concert. Well I get a text from one that they would rather get a hotel in the city and we could split the cost. Because I can't say no I said just make sure it's super cheap well apparently 112 is super cheap to them. Before this hotel shit I was thinking of buying them breakfast at a local diner and then heading to school when they leave. But now I'm not going to get breakfast with them and just leave the next day fuck em. I keep think maybe I should move closer to my friends and family but I'm not sure it's worth it.
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self.depression
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Does your depression feel like a stabbing from the inside? So I am currently depressed af. I can literally feel a sharp, numb, stinging sensation inside me. Its as if at times hard to breath. My body aches with an empty feeling. I feel like a vampire has attacked me.
Do any of you guys feel this? I keep replaying negative shit and its absolutely awful. I am just staring at my wall wishing this feeling ends.
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self.depression
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It's gotten to the point where it's getting impossible to not kill myself. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I am 17 and I will be dead within a year This is my first post to a subreddit so forgive me if I fuck something up. I am going to keep personal info vauge incase someone I know ends up here. So here it goes. From a young age I always knew I had things worse when compared to others around me whether it be financial situation or relationships but in the past couple of years I really found how different I was. My dad was abusive to my mother, they split when I was 2 however I do know my father but he isn't a father in the traditional sense. I randomly see him every few years and I am like "Oh hi dad" then he is like "hi son" and boom, that's it fast forward 4 years and rinse and repeat. I was never really fond of any of my family, I despise one of my siblings because he is a fucking scumbag and really dislike my mother because of her stupidity and ignorance and shitty attitude toward me. I have a meh relationship with the rest of my family. When I younger I was really interested in video games, I never had any friends, not a single one, due to lack of similar interests and the location of where I live. Fast forward years later and my situation has only changed negatively, from the years of being locked away in my room, I have developed extreme social anxiety (not officially diagnosed but I know the symptoms when I see them) and have only fallen into a deep state of sadness, dunno if it is depression. My social anxiety is horrible, I shit myself when needing to get a haircut or go to a store. My school is bad too, I talk to people but they are not my friends, I pretend they are so I don't look like a complete fucking loner. I have never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl either and I am not even a bad looking guy. My only actual friend is someone I met on a game 4 years ago. We talk everyday. Which is even more sad. I am beyond petrified of turning 18, because once I do, my mother will make me get a job, or I will live on the streets. I am scared to get a buy something in a store, how the fuck am I getting a job. Just the pass summer, I didn't leave my house once, there was no reason to, I have no friends to go out to. I stayed in my house for 3 months and never left once. My current situation is I stay in my room wasting away with every passing day. And I only become more and more sad as the days go by. About a year ago I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am going to end my life before I turn 18. I feel no reason to live on, I will not fair well in adult hood anyway. I know a lot of people are just going to pass this off as another bullshit post where the author dosent actually die and lives on happily ever after, this isn't that story. I will be dead within a year, period. Nothing will change my decision to end my life. I plan to hang myself with a belt that will be wedged between my door. I will not leave a note, I wouldn't give my mother the pleasure of reassurance to why I did it, she dosent deserve it. These aren't my only reasons why I want to die. One small one would be the fact that baldness is big in my family history, so even if I get my stuff figured out, I still have balding to look forward to. A big reason as to why I am going to end my life is the curiosity of an after life, I am not religious so I don't beileve in anything specific, but god damn I am jelous of the dead, they know what comes next. Worst case scenario, its nothingness which still sounds better than my life. So yeah thats it, feel free to ask me any questions while I live the last 8 months of my life.
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self.depression
|
First time poster looking for support Hi, first time poster here I’ll try and keep this short. I’ve been struggling with depression for around 3 years (I think, it’s hard to remember) Things have gotten really bad the past year, I was in an inpatient facility for 2 months recently, have regular suicidal thoughts, and have trouble finding the motivation to do anything other than watch tv and play video games. I’m 25 now, no job living at home going to a therapy program in NYC 3 times a week. The hope is that I’ll move to a residential place in the city and begin volunteering as a slow sort of reintroduction to the world.
I’ve had around 40 treatments of ECT and overall I’d say they haven’t been successful. What they have done is messed with my memory to the point where I can’t remember much of my experiences from the last 4-5 years. My memory overall is shit. I also experience periods of disassociation where I don’t feel like a real person, don’t recognize myself etc. This has been going on for a little over a month now and it’s very scary when it happens and I’m very concerned. It’s like I’m so far in my head that my thoughts just take over. My doctors think it’s strange as well but they’re only diagnosis is that it should go away over time. It doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere though.
I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this disconnect or had any success dealing with it. I’m also looking for anyone else dealing with depression to talk to when I’m feeling down bc I don’t have a lot of people in my support system now. Sorry for the long post, any feedback is appreciated.
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self.depression
|
About to be caught in a big lie I recently moved out of my folk’s place to a different state, I’m living with a friend and her family. She makes a lot more money than I do and is really good with handling it, since she helps pay her parent’s mortgage.
Basically we’re supposed to leave for an international trip/vacation on Thursday, and not only do I not have the ticket I said I did, but I’m flat broke.
I’ve been too embarrassed to tell her or ask for help and now less than 48 hours before we’re set to leave I have to come clean.
I’m not making any excuses, if I was just not a coward and discussed this months ago everything would have been fine. But now I’m sitting at work freaking out.
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self.offmychest
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I don’t want to see my family for the holidays and I have no guilt holding this feeling Im making my life great for myself and My family is the last negative piece of myself that Ive been wrestling over. I feel like every time Im around them, They bring out the worst in me. I feel myself get more irritable and angry. I understand this is normal to an extent but I think like these feelings go a little beyond normal. I dont want to see them. I dont care if I ever see them again.
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self.offmychest
|
How do I tell someone about my depression? Here’s my situation: I’ve been struggling alone for a long time now, but my depression has gotten really bad lately, and I just need to tell someone about it. I don’t feel comfortable telling my family because they all have mental illnesses that make my problems seem small and I don’t think they’d believe me, and I only have a few friends but I don’t think they would take me seriously. Any advice?
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self.depression
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Don't see the point I am really over living, I get this way around every holiday, specifically Christmas and New Years after I've attempted before during these times. I don't feel unusually depressed compared to my norm, however I just don't see the point in going on. I struggle feeling any emotions, just know how I should react to something, I'm not successful (in fact rather unsuccessful) I'm not attractive, and I feel like I am just seeing the way the world is, it's fucking brutal, dark and lonely. Even though I have found someone to spend my time with, I feel alone, like no one will ever be able to understand me. I feel like everything I do or say means nothing, I have no impact, I have nothing to leave behind other than my broken down fucking car, and a mountain of debt, the only thing that has been keeping me hanging in there is how much it would affect my family if I took my own life, I've already put them through a lot, so I hope for cancer, hope to be in a deadly car accident, hope for anything to fucking end this bullshit.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
well I'm 21, I'm a failure, I'm dumb, I didn't make it to college.
I don't have any friends, haven't been outside for a while, I spend most of the time sitting in front of a screen. sometimes i think on giving up.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
having to defend everything you do in your head I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this so if it isn't please remove.
For as long as I can remember, I've had this urge to defend every action, choice, and thought I make inside my head to a non-existent person who is judging me. I don't know if this is a form of social anxiety but I end up becoming extremely conscious of everything I do, but not in a good way. So I just wanted to know if anyone else experiences this.
Thanks.
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self.Anxiety
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Text-based crisis counseling Just curious if there is something like that. I am fairly nervous about phone calls and would much prefer to be communicating via text. I'm in Canada, if that matters.
I'm sure my friends are getting a little sick of me coming over every evening because I don't feel safe by myself alone.
So far I have left the sharp objects alone--I don't want to do anything to mess up my roomy's house as he's got a 9 year old. But hitting myself, breaking my hands, my nose, I am having a hard time controlling my self destructive impulses and I am concerned that I will go further than I intend at any time. I'm getting pretty friendly with pain again.
I don't want to go back to my local crisis center because I am supposed to return back to work on Monday [I know what a fucking joke].
Anyway yeah somebody to text as a way to distract myself from these impulses and maybe work some shit out would be nice.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Misdiagnosed? So I was recently diagnosed with bipolar however I am really debating it the last few hours. I have felt fine for a few days, really really good, I’ve done a lot, sorted lots out and now I am kinda feeling like it’s over the top saying it’s bipolar and I am actually fine. I am really confused about everything. Is this the bipolar in me, messing with me or am I actually fine? I was not okay before being diagnosed with this and now I am diagnosed, I just can’t help but think in this moment that it’s all wrong and I am in a good place again now and I don’t need treatment.
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self.bipolar
|
I'll never understand what it's like to have a friend or SO. I'm 21 and haven't had a friend since middle school. Yes I'm 100% serious. I've never had an SO. Or even kissed anyone. Who can say that?!?! I'm also gay, so most of the world thinks I'm a disgusting piece of trash, even in this day in age (even I do sometimes) . Not that it matters since I'll never find someone I can call mine. And the funny thing is absolutely no one cares how miserable I am. I still live with my mom and brother. I'm unemployed, I have nothing to offer anyone. I gained a bunch of weight. All I do is isolate in my room. I can literally go a whole week without speaking one word out of my mouth. I used to be very well spoken but now when I speak I constantly stumble on words or completely forget whatever I was going to say. Every time I go out anywhere I feel extremely uncomfortable at all times. Like everyone is always looking at and judging me. Wish I didn't have horrible horrible social anxiety. Wish I can just be happy for once. Wish I had 1 friend. Nobody in my life (3 family members who I barely talk to) can relate with me or empathize with me. Earlier this year I told myself that if I was still alone by the end of the year that there's absolutely no point in life and I should just end it all. Really, what is the point in life when you have no one to spend it with? No one would want to live alone. Why should I keep living in misery. I am nothing. No one will ever love me. I will never experience intimacy or closeness with anybody(like I fuckin deserve it anyway). I will never go out with friends and have a fun time. I will never have a solid support system. I probably won't even be here in 5 years and if I still am, I'll probably be in the worst state of my life. This post makes me feel like such an entitled brat. I hate myself. sorry for the long post.
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self.depression
|
in your everyday adventures, how do you deal with anxiety?
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self.bipolar
|
I wrote a thing about my Depression. Read to the end before commenting, please. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I’ve been crying on and off all day. I’m sad I have to hurt my family like this. I know they love me.
I’ve never wanted to leave so much.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Just realized I haven't showered in almost 3 weeks And I just ate an entire pizza by myself. I feel disgusting.
Edit: I accidentally a word.
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self.depression
|
Do u think what my trainer said was rude and insulting? My trainer was like, "when I first started working here I weighed 280. In a year I lost 100 pounds." Wtf was he trying to make me feel better because I'm so fat and ugly?
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self.depression
|
I've watched 3 people die in the past 48 hours and felt nothing. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I suck at life and the worst at my job My coworkers blatantly ignore me interrupt me to talk over me to one another. They don't like me because I'm shy and if I'm extremely nervous I'll slur my words or stumble over what I'm trying to say so I'm pretty sure they think I'm some dum dum useless as a bag of dirt or incompetent. Everybody else is highly educated, constantly goofing off with a snarky remark. I seem like a backwards primitive subhuman in comparison. I get so excluded by them and disappointed while they're having a blast living it up with exciting plans throughout the week and frequently hanging with buddies most days.
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self.depression
|
Came home - anxiety. Why? Alright, I've just returned to my home country for couple of weeks and I just can't handle the anxiety as much as I could where I live and study now. It's really weird, last time I came back I had my biggest panic attack ever, where I thought I was going crazy and losing control and also felt out of my body for most of the time, like I wasn't 100% there, then I came back to the country I'm studying in and in a week I felt alright again, didn't have that much anxiety and over time I thought I actually just killed it. But now after 6 months I came back and right after day 1, I started felling anxious and having that similar not 100% experience. What do you guys think is causing this and how should I try to handle it?
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self.Anxiety
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