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Pleasse help have sleeping pills, they are for my bad sleeping habit, it's called temazepam i think. Also i have green if you get me. Can i do both for recreation?
I've noticed when i take more than i was told to take from my psychiatrist, im more relaxed and feel less anxiety, and when i smoke green it feels so good when taken same time as the benzos. How can i ask them to give me more so i can take out also my anxiety. Is that good or bad idea?
Also i have anger issues ( i havent hit anyone since high school, im 22) which im not proud of it at all, and those things ive been using has making me chilled out, and a bit more social and gym performance feels better as well in my liftings.
I would not care to take them both so i can live how iam right now, so much weight behind my back has been taken off . Also i forgot to mention i have major depression, Severe anxiety and extreme boredom/some days i feel like im garbage . Im not ambitious for anythting, i dont like society i wanna live far away . I dont have a question really, im just typing this as im high
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self.depression
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Kicked out of Zen Monastery. Now I feel like a ghost. I feel nothing or pain. Please help. [deleted]
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self.depression
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idfk My aunt (who’s always been there for me when my parents weren’t, and is someone I look up to) told me I’m verbally abusive to my bf. I was asking her to pick me up at a train station and she responded with that. Literally just message after message of telling me it makes her sad to watch me treat him like that blah blah. Most of what I say to him are jokes. Like how one would roast their co workers or friends. He’s told me know knows it’s just me joking, and just my personality, but idk if I believe him. I feel like a human garbage can I’m a really sensitive person, and what she’s telling me is starting to get to me. I can’t help but think I’m the reason my bf is depressed. He’d probably be better off without me. I just want to die and let him be free. And then me throwing myself a pity party makes me feel like I’m a selfish bitch. so idek. I want to get hella drunk and jump off a bridge. he’d be happier without me anyways.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Long distance fucking sucks. 2 more months until I can see her again. Aggghhhhh long distance sucks so much.
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self.offmychest
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Can depression screw with your ability to fall in love? I won't go too deep in to this, but small backstory: I have gone through a lot, just as many people. I have PTSD, OCD, Anxiety, and Depression.. My depression is bad. I don't have suicidal thoughts, but I live in my safety bubble. I eat the same things, I do the same things, DAILY, and I DONT get outside that way of life. It's my comfort zone. I've done this ever since I got my first full time job and was broken up with by my ex, who was my most serious relationship. I am numb, emotionless, and empty..
I can't click with a single guy. Recently, this awesome man has come in to my life. He knows I don't have feelings for him, and he accepts that it wont happen any time soon because of how I am. but he is determined to stay in my life and not give up on me, because he want's to see me healed and truly happy. He is amazing. I want things to work out.
But it's like that part of me that falls in love is just broken. Does this happen often with depression and anhedonia?
I have my first therapist appointment for the middle of December. I hope getting help will help me.. I know this is going to be a long road ahead.. I'm not sure I'm willing to take it yet. But here goes nothing..
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self.depression
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Sleeping in my car after my girlfriend broke up with me. Feeling pathetic. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I have an urge to feel bad, any thoughts? So I've been to three psychiatric clinics so far, the things I've learned there have definitely helped me in learning to love myself and staying productive, affecting my mood positively, overcoming fears and all those sorts of things. I was discharged from my last clinic two months ago, where I have formed some friendships (that hopefully will last longer than the clinic-friendships before them) and learned quite a bit about myself, however, lately I've been experiencing a feeling of wanting to fall back into full-blown depression.
I have the urge to go back to lying in my bed all day, drinking and harming myself, which is inexplicable to me and currently the biggest issue holding me back from getting my life on track since I sometimes lack the energy not to give in to this urge.
I am currently looking for a therapist and have contacted a few, but so far, I've only been put on waiting lists with a promise to be called back "by the end of the year".
I'm fairly certain hat this feeling or urge is a fairly common thing in depression patients, but I've not seen a thread about it on here yet, so I thought I might just post about it to get some community feedback.
What are your thoughts on this? Have you experienced this feeling before? If so, how have you learned to deal with it? What helped you in learning to do so?
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self.depression
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I wish I was brave enough to do it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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if I were to take an antidepressant, how long would it take for mania to kick in? The first doctor I saw told me that I am bipolar, she scared me shitless. She is known to diagnose everyone with Bipolar and prescribe them Lamotrigine. I didn't buy it, and I sought a second opinion.
I saw two other psychiatrists which diagnosed me with depression+GAD and Dysthymia, respectively.
I have a prescription for Zoloft, but I don't want to take it because I am afraid it will make me manic. It has been sitting on my bedstand for two months.
I want to take the first dose, because I am tired of this.
So my questions are:
How long after I swallow the tablet mania will knock at my brain's door?
Will I be able to recognize it?
How long will it last?
How do I make it stop?
Thanks in advance.
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self.bipolar
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Trying to keep holding on....I feel so disgusting and worthless I have a good job, a decent apartment and a car. Most people would be happy to have what I have. But I still feel so horrible about myself. I never feel good enough. I think about ending my life at least every day, I cut myself sometimes, on the legs so no one will see. I hurt everyday. I wish it would stop. I wish I had someone to talk to. Everyone says they will talk, until you tell them whats wrong. Then they think you're a crazy freak, they think you're weak and don't want to talk anymore. The only reason I'm still here is because of my family. I have some student loan debt and don't want them burdened with that when I die. I've been paying it off as fast as I can. It's so hard to keep going sometimes. I'm a 23 yr old female. I try to tell myself to get over it, to feel better. But maybe I should feel bad, maybe I deserve to die. A lot has happened. I was emotionally abused and traumatized by my parents as a child. I was bullied throughout school. I've been sexually abused by a partner, cheated on, mentally abused again. I was raped. I was really broke my last year of school and sold myself for money. Right now I love someone who only talks to me if I send naked pictures of myself. I wish I could stop feeling for him, but he's the only person I have sometimes, and I work with him. I love to see him. I wish I knew how to fix myself. I told him about feeling sad alot, he didn't want to talk about it, I guess it was bringing down his day. I don't tell him about these things now because I don't want him to think of me any worse than he probably already does. I wish I was just better. Prettier, smarter. I try to read online how to feel better, but nothing I read helps. It's been years. I never date anymore. I crave human contact, I would do anything to just hug the guy I like. But I know I'm not good enough for that. Please help me, I'm just trying to keep holding on, I have no one else to talk to.
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self.SuicideWatch
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To Anyone Who Was Listening Thank You I realize I kinda jumped on this subreddit without reading the rules. I am going to now that I am not manic anymore. I don't usually post often, but there were a few of you I have tagged as friends that were really helpful. Trial by fire. That's the only way I learn. So now that I am back to myself, my name is Apryl. I'm about 30, and I am an artist You will be seeing more of me as I work out all that has happened in the last few weeks. I'm starting my own business, and getting to work with all the skills I have. I am tired of being alone, so I'm really gonna try and put myself out into the world. Plus my carpel tunnel is acting up, and my voice is shot so I can't really do much today except be on the computer and read.
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self.bipolar
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More than just a job rejection. Applied for a position in the headquarters of a company I work for (I’m in the retail sector at the moment). Got to an interview and 2 weeks later they called me to say that I was unsuccessful.
It was more than just the position. It was standing up for myself and sticking it up to people who underestimated, discriminated and bullied me in the retail level. Had I got the job in headquarters it would have been the biggest “FUCK YOU” in their face ever, but no, I’m back to square one and it’s hard for me to move on from this one. I’ve been rejected plenty of times for jobs, this one stings because it was so much more. Doesn’t help that the instability of my current jobs is making me depressed.
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self.offmychest
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When you realise When you finally realise that after months of telling yourself that the thought of it is too much you realise it is the only option.
I can't live like this any longer.
My girl,my self, my mind and my dreams are gone, nothing I can do now can take back the past. Please Don't let anybody stand in your way of you, NOBODY.
A narcissistic personality can and will destroy your life, please please run or sooner or later you will end up having to take your own
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self.SuicideWatch
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My new nightly ritual This is my new plan. Hold a gun to my head for an hour and list all the ways in which I'm a piece of shit and deserve to die and all the ways in which the world would be better off without me.
I'll do this every night at the same time until I can finally get over my cowardice and pull the trigger.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Struggles with acknowledging successes? Hey folks, I'm noticing that I just cannot acknowledge when things are going well. In my counseling appointments I can sometimes contextualize that I am fairly successful at what I've accomplished lately. But on the regular feel like I'm a worthless piece of crap that is just wasting space and resources.
How do other folks deal? I've been trying to do the positive self talk jam, to counter negative thoughts. but fail most of the time.
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self.depression
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my last sleep paralysis experience *disclaimer - I'm not really good at telling a story but i felt like i need/want to share this experience*
So I have always been experiencing sleep paralysis and it doesn't bother me since it always happens and I kind of got used to it. I mastered how to snap out of it.
One night, I decided to sleep and eventually felt groggy and sleepy. Then for some reason I opened my eyes (I'm really groggy that time so I cant really remember why i did) and everything seems to appear like in gray scale, and I suddenly can't move. I panicked a little then I saw a ray of light and thought that this was the moment of my death. I felt relieved. As if I let out a sigh of relief, like finally the end of suffering. I let go, but then I realized that this was sleep paralysis since I can't move(it also reminded me of the sensation) and I snap out of it with disappointment.
(Note that most of the time sleep paralysis occurs to me with my eyes closed. The vision I saw distracted me that I didn't realize immediately that it was have the paralysis)
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self.SuicideWatch
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Become very apathetic in the past year. Hi!
Twenty years old. Young, you don't have to remind me. People do all the time, haha.
These past years have been very well to me. I have soared in my studies to the point of gaining work in my industry before having graduated college. Family's fine. I'm happy in my work; very passionate.
Through my entire life I've been extremely anxious. Middle school, high school, college... everything's been tightly strung. I've wanted to die in the past for those reasons but stress has kept me through it; no time to think about it.
Now, I've reached a point of certainty of success. There's no doubt I'll flying higher through the years to come if I keep the same effort I've had to this point. Everything's become unwound but I guess my mind hasn't.
People (friends and peers) have come to respect me and love me. I try my best to be positive and nice through all situations, and found myself close to a lot of people. Far more than my inner introvert would have guessed.
I'm finding some odd peace that I "made it". and don't want to stick around to see the rest. Why would I? I'm feeling okay with that work being wasted to get here. This specific point is quite literally all I've been fighting to get to the past eight years.
Everything is starting to come in. I've been really out of it lately. People have been starting to pull me aside and ask what's wrong one-by-one.
The only thing making me really hesitate is the countless that'd be really, *really* hurt if I died. Though I'm unsure how much longer that'll keep me onboard.
Feels odd asking about this at all. I don't have any apparent external forces or dread pulling me out of it. But I'm feeling pretty damn sure that an attempt will be made after I complete a promised favour mid-April. Hm.
Thanks for taking the time to read!
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self.SuicideWatch
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Jealousy? Hello, just a somewhat random question. Does anyone else here have problems with jealousy? I mean, like...obsessive jealousy? I am generally ALWAYS jealous of someone and I will just move from being mega obsessive over one person to another. Currently, it is my boyfriend's brother's fiance. It is excessive and all consuming.
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self.bipolar
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Favorite Depression Meals? There's a pretty good subreddit called r/EatCheapAndHealthy that had a post today about someone with depression inquiring what were some nourishing, but low effort meals for when this fucking disease saps us of all drive and motivation to eat. With that in mind, I'm curious as to what you guys like to eat when you're feeling particularly bad or what some of your favorite meals to cook are? Personally I love cooking up some jambalaya, it's spicy, warm, and full of awesomeness. Post recipes if you'd like.
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self.depression
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Feel like the only cure is suicide, but I dont want to suicide - weird feeling, pls help, mood swings Hi, I dont really know where to put this post, but I feel like it is somewhat DP related. So it seems like either I push through or believe my mind which flipped over 4 months ago. I seriously feel like since this has started that Ive been destined to suicide. So my mind is so unbelievably destructive and I am severely depressed, not that I dont want to do anything, rather cant imagine doing anything with these thoughts, more like intrusive feelings based on false beliefs. Basically I recovered from DPDR this year, everything is as it used to be except for my mind. It is so worn out because the 6 months of DP were too much I guess. It is so worn out that I could convince myself that I died when DP hit me in February. There is nothing worse than no symptoms but still irrational thinking. It recently hit me with massive bouts of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. It feels like I shouldnt be here anymore. 4 months ago I thought suicide was an absurd thing (for me) and even during DP suicide didnt even cross my mind one single time. But now it feels like my worst imaginations came true and it is just pure mental pain. Everything about future is triggering the hell out of me, I cant picture myself in the future anymore without thinking (maybe I might have killed myself by then?!), it is so difficult to even hold the place at university, but Ive already decided that I'd drop out.
It all changed in July where I had ups and downs but in the beginning of August these intrusive bouts of suicidal thoughts (like I hit a threshold and the only way out would be suicide, because it felt so terribly painful, like I was destined to suicide) hit me out of the blue and I suddenly became paranoid of time and future... It is not that I dont want to live anymore but my mind doesnt. It is strange...:( So basically it felt like my mind decided: your life is over now. This feeling freaked me out and days have been a struggle since then because it seriously felt like there is no way out but suicide. Since August everything triggers the feeling that I should be dead, even my hobby: drumming, music. Biggest trigger: sounds hilarious, but it is the date. It seems like I hit some kind of threshold in August, since then, time triggers these suicidal feelings, like I am supposed to not be here anymore. Damn this is undescribable, even more than DPDR itself. Most strange thing:
IT FEELS LIKE I SHOULD HAVE DIED, SOME DARK FEELING WHICH EATS ME AND THAT I'D BE DESTINED TO SUICIDE! I have a really bad urge to feed in to these feelings even though I know Id made it worse... I really have no clue how to recover from this hell. It feels like the only reason I feel like that is because I have a strong belief that something has to die or that something is very wrong with my mind. Any suggestions?
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self.depression
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I'm bipolar type 1 and my medication has stopped working AGAIN! I'm new here but I thought I'd just say I'm bipolar type 1 rapid cycle. I'm on an antipsychotic and an anti anxiety med. That's it. They have completely stopped working. I'm experiencing delusional thoughts. I'm also super ragey right now and not feeling like myself. My thoughts are going so fast I can't stop I hate it. I can't get ahold of my med manger til Monday and I refuse to go back to the er and go impatient again. I'm ok honestly I'm not going to harm myself and I don't feel suicidal just really manic and depressed at the same time. I was diagnosed 4 years ago and as soon as my meds stop working i start getting depressed then back to mania then to a mixed episode. I take them every day like clockwork. Just send positive thoughts this way please!
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self.bipolar
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I want some hugs. It's too long and complicated to explain.
I'm alone. Nobody listens. Nobody understands.
My life, career and future are ruined, because of some misunderstandings, miscommunications. nobody cared about my side of the story. Bias and prejudice and mistrust are all got left.
I liked him for a long time. I still like him a lot. I looked up to him. He was my role model.
I was misunderstood.
He involved other people, people around him and around me, and made things more complicated. I was hacked. I was stalked. I was threatened. Things went wrong and can't be fixed. He let the others see my messages, but if even the addressee would misunderstood, obviously outsiders would.
Messages written in plain text, in a foreign language. Simplified and lots of words being cut down because I didn't want to take too much of his time.
Nobody let me explain. Nobody believes me.
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety and social media..... I feel kind of stupid that I’m able to post so much online like selfies etc on Instagram and Facebook. I post as if I don’t have issues but then have all these issues.....which can come up right after I’ve posted stuff like anxiety about my posts yet I can help it but post stuff literally every day.....and that just goes around in my head...like I’m crazy......I don’t know what I’m trying to express exactly lol.....but I guess it bothers me that it’s so easy for me to post yet can just cause me to have more anxiety....
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self.Anxiety
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Got a 3rd degree DWI last Monday. They didn’t give me my antidepressant when I was in Holding for two days. Haven’t taken it since and I’m the most suicidal I’ve ever been. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just One Weekend All I want is one weekend on my own. That's it. Not much to ask for. But no. You have to seek me out, every damn day, and hang around me, making noise, clattering about, trying to talk to me.
I've told you so many times I need my space, crave my space. But you still insist.
Right now, you're doing nothing but hanging around. You have no need to, you have things to do, but you insist on being in the same room as me when I've told you I need my space. Why won't you just leave me alone? I deal with people all day, every day. Just leave me alone.
I swear, the day I move out cannot come fast enough.
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self.offmychest
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Brother broke down to me after a near attempt A few hours ago, my brother came in my room with a bottle of cough syrup and a handful of pills, sobbing. He just kept talking about how he has nothing left to give and how he tries so hard to take care of everyone but he can't. I talked to him, took the cough syrup and he told me the pills were advil pm and that he'd taken 4. He called some of his friends and they were with him for a while, he told me he wants to go to the hospital in the morning. I just feel like I'm not doing enough right now. He kicked me out of his room and it's taking everything in me to not sleep outside his door. I just, it's breaking me, and I know that's a selfish thought, but I feel helpless and I don't know what I should be doing between now and the morning.
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self.SuicideWatch
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The suicide lifeline is too long to wait, can anyone talk to me? I'm about to go to bed, but I feel awful.
Edit: someone has talked to me, I'm better now good night everyone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why do parents abandon their kids? I wish I could be objective about this subject, but since it’s something that has really affected me and has seeped itself into almost all of my relationships, I find it hard to be.
My relationship with my father has been fraught for a very long time. A few years back, I finally told him how much it hurt to know that he was never there. About how he always made me feel like he didn’t want me. I mean at least he told me he loved on the rare occasions he would call, but he never showed me.
I would date guys that were the complete opposite of my dad. My dad was an “OG,” I date nerds, but as I’ve grown older I find that though the men I date are in a literal sense the complete opposite of my dad, what I ultimately got were relationships that completely mirrored my relationship with him: relationships built on empty words and broken promises.
I always wondered, am I not worthy of love? How can he tell me he loves me and then treat me this way? Why me? What did I do to deserve to be treated this way?
So now I ask you, parents who abandoned your children, why did you leave them? What circumstances led you to do it? How do you sleep at night knowing you haven’t spoken to your child in weeks, months, years? Do you sleep just fine? How can you say you love them, but never be there.
I’m sorry if I’m judging, it’s so hard for me not to, but I’m too afraid to ask my dad. The last time we had that hard conversation, i went into a deep depression. Someone please tell me so that I can make sense of it. It couldn’t have been me right? I was just a little girl—a good girl. Some fathers will go above and beyond for their children. My mother did. Why didn’t you?
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self.offmychest
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How can I trust my own feelings? According to a few different therapists I've seen, I have depression and severe anxiety. I really don't know if this is really what's going on with me or if I'm purposefully exaggerating my answers to be diagnosed this way. Maybe it started out exaggerated and I made it real in my head. I really don't want to take the medication prescribed because I have no idea if it help. Along with this, one of the prescribers I had visited was glad I hadn't taken the meds I'd previously been prescribed because one of them was extremely addictive. Everytime I have a suicidal or other bad "thought", I tell myself I'm just exaggerating, but at the same time I also feel there's a chance it is how I truly feel. I basically just see the bad in everything and how I could have done better. I completely the positive aspects make me feel nothing. When I do well on a test, I don't look at the 95% I got right, instead I hate myself for the 5% I answered wrong. Everytime I think of suicide, I always come up with reasons why I can't. I feel like I would absolutely go through with it if not for the few people on this planet that still care about me. These suicidal thoughts don't require my full attention to dispel, but they always come back whether it's 10 minutes or the next day. This whole post probably makes no god damn sense to anyone reading.
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self.depression
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Home “I need to leave” My father is a boderline hoarder. The house is walkable but their a mice and roach . I can't say to My friends or My brothera that I don't want to stay and mind my father. My mother has given up on taking care of the house and paying certain bills. I had to pay a power Bill that was three months past due just to keep the lights on and I've just come home to the US on a tight budget. I feel overwhelmed by just the sheer amount of junk that is everywhere. I feel like I want to run screaming or a get a job and leave.
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self.offmychest
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I’m alone and I have already planned my suicide, I just needed a little push to end it all, today I got it. I lost all my friends and people I could trust throughout last year and last mouth. I was only left with 2 people that I THOUGHT I could trust. I realized that I couldn’t trust one of my 2 left friend when he told some people about my problems, not hoping to help me, but to make fun of me. Today, my last friend told me that we shouldn’t talk to each other anymore, because I was disturbing her life and being bad for her. I agree...
Now I’m left alone only with those voices in my head telling me to do it...
Certainly I will...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Manic/Mixed Whee I just talked at my boyfriend so much he asked if he could keep reading.
I had a great day and was super “on” all day.
No fucking wonder- I’m definitely on a high. I don’t care what anyone thinks! All the Facebook fights! I called all my immediate relatives too.
I’ve also been really down. Lonely. Needing lots and lots and lots of sleep. Wanting extra physical touch.
So FML
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self.bipolar
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Depressed about bad grades I'm a sophomore in a magnet school, so I guess that's pretty good, but the problem is that my grades are pretty shit. Last year I failed 1-3 classes and have no idea how I did not get kicked out of the school by then. But now, quarter 1 just ended, and I failed 1 class and got D's in three other classes.
I feel like it's already next to impossible for me to get into a decent college/university and that I'll end up with a shitty dead end 9-5 job and kill myself because I believe a life with that kind of job is not worth living.
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self.depression
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Can you have anxiety without any physical symptoms? That is my question, also, last night i had a feeling of racing thoughts(fast feeling in the head.) while sleeping, and there is a feeling that made me feel like i am awake. But i was not? It was very strange feeling with frequent turning from side to side. Is this anxiety or something seriously wrong with my mind?
How can you tell if it is anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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Just realized I have no friends Why have I kept going all this time? The support network I thought I had turned out to be a memory that I mistook for being real. The people I thought I would upset by giving in don't actually care that I exist. It feels like the ground just dropped out from under me. I don't know what to do.
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self.depression
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Maybe some advice? So I have been dealing with the basic complete set of anxiety disorders for 15 months now. And I have been in fight or flight for as long as I can remember in that 15 months. (Not sure if your body can do that in your sleep) Everyone knows that horrible feeling of dread and panic, as well as all the symptoms together. 15 months, no break or relief. I have tried everything I can ranging from Medication and professional help to gratitude and mindfulness. I have fought back against it so hard but it has fought harder and has torn my life apart. I have plunged into a depression and all these relentless symptoms will never leave.
Obviously, I cannot provide enough context for everyone to entirely understand, but that is not what I expect.
Just any advice!?!?!
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like my mental health keeps rapidly deteriorating and I can't do anything about it [deleted]
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self.depression
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tried the whole no nut november thing. all feeling disappears when i orgasm, and i wanted to see if it was because of my medication or over stimulation. tried again, i still didn't feel anything and i feel significantly more depressed than i did before. i think the whole nofap movement is kind of ridiculous, but i did find that i felt a lot better over the past month, and there's no point for me to do it anyways.
fuck it, guess it's no nut december.
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self.depression
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Sundays are the worst. Sunday, I've always hated this day all my life. I dont know what it is but i used to call the sunday feeling "sunday depression" even though i wasnt even depressed back then.
Sunday is the day of emptiness, its the similar feeling like you come from a long trip with family or friends or visiting somewhere and then you come back to empty home and you just feel so empty. Its so silent and you are sad.
Yesterday was great, i was high, i drank few beers with my brothers while we were playing a game online together, i binge eated junk food. (All this makes my depression worse however)
Now today i wake up 5pm, its already dark outside, I feel really sluggish and tired. 9pm im very bored and depressed, my brothers are going to sleep soon since they have work tomorrow (I dont, i would have coding but i gave up on the course, im at uni)
So basicly this is the sunday depression at its finest, im alone, none is online i have none to talk to, none to be with. Ive fapped to porn for 10th time this weekend and i feel horrible. Ive eaten super unhealthy and feel like shit. No energy, no motivation, lonely, sad and emty, thats sundays for me most of the time. I havent done a single thing for school all weekend. I pretty much havent done a single thing for my life all weekend.
I know what i have to do but i have not been able to make myself do the things that i have to do instead i do all kinds of instant gratification all week and on sundays i just see that im again a week closer to being exposed as a fucking fraud. Im just writing this here kinda like to myself as a journal, but kinda for anyone to read whatever i hope this day would be over already and i could go back to sleep
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self.depression
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Anyone ever been in a room when you realize two or more other people in that same room that supposed like/love you as friend/family, but are secretly texting/snapchatting about you behind your back? [deleted]
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self.depression
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How do you look into IOP? I don’t know where to start. Or if it’s even worth it. It’s been way too long dealing with severe depression—to the extent that I’d rather do inpatient, but I’m not *too* suicidal, I’m just seriously depressed/anhedonic. For months. And months.
Maybe I’ll just call Medicaid and see what they say. I’ll probably have to wait to get on Medicare (I’m on disability) to do it at a decent place.
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self.bipolar
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Tifu by telling my boyfriend I've been suicidal Told my boyfriend I am suicidal. We talked for a bit, at which point I told him I feel like I'm just a terrible person who hurts everyone around me. He said that was a cop out, and that I could get better. In my emotional state, I raised my voice telling him that isn't something you say to someone who just revealed they want to commit suicide. From there, it devolved to us just yelling at each other. It pretty much convinced me that everyone's life would be better if I just wasn't around. I'm a terrible person who ends up hurting everyone, even in my vulnerable moments when I reveal my darkest feelings. I have fucked up every good relationship in my life. I honestly deserve to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
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BE NICE! Be nice, they say. I've been good my whole life. Became a good son. Have been nice, kind, did well on my studies. Now that i graduated, I'm lonely, single, feel shiiit, the hell? Is this what i got from being nice?
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self.offmychest
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my boss made fun of my disorder i’m 16 and i recently got my first job. i used to be very ashamed of it but now i’ve just accepted: i’m bipolar. therefore, my boss found out and, contrary to my coworker’s reactions, he laughed and said such thing doesn’t exist; he said i didn’t have my ‘ass whiped’ enough when i was a kid and that made me spoiled. he told everyone in the office about it and curious enough nobody stood up for me
i mean i should’ve, but my dad killed himself because of bipolar disorder+drugs and that’s a very sensitive topic for me. he. said. it. doesn’t. exist.
and the worst is, i liked my boss very much, i thought he was a friend. i don’t know what to do. now everyone looks at me like i am a fucking alien.
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self.bipolar
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Christmas family gatherings Does anyone else have their family force them into gatherings by saying stuff like “we’ll miss you if you don’t come,” and “it won’t be the same without you there!” before completely ignoring your existence when you actually do come along?
I have three family gatherings to go to over Christmas. I’m only going because I don’t want to let my mom down but I know even she will completely forget I’m there when everyone else is around. So I have to spend Christmas watching everyone in my family having a great time and enjoying each other’s company while I sit there feeling more lonely and depressed than I would if I’d have just stayed home alone. Did I mention I have literally no friends whatsoever so I don’t even have anyone to text while I have to sit through all that? What a blast :-)
Fuck Christmas
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self.depression
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I just wanted a steep A-line cut. I wanted the front long, just past shoulder length and I wanted the back short, almost existent with my neck, typical of a steep A-line haircut, right? Wanted to branch out and try something new, sick of my mid-back, a few inches below the bra line length hair.
So I did it. I went for it. I found a picture of the cut I wanted, showed it to the stylist, stating that I wanted the front longer than the picture, long enough to pull back into a ponytail while I work.
She showed me where the back was going to be cut and I approved—halfway down the neck.
She got the front length exactly where I wanted it. Spot on. The back felt good to me too.
That is, until I went home and straightened my hair where I noticed it looked wonky—like a drunk person had cut it. It wasn’t even at all.
No problem, I decided I wanted the back cut shorter anyway, so I’d just swing by and have her fix it.
After work I headed over, told her I wanted to keep the front length the same, but make the back shorter. I told her I wanted a steep line that connected the front and the back. I used my hands both on my head to show where I wanted it cut to and how to slope it down. I used my hands in front of me, showing an almost flat plane to something with my fingers steepled together dramatically, and again on my head.
She said it would be hard to keep the front at the same length, though shortening the back would be easy. She said she understood what I meant.
She took about 3 inches off the back—and then continued cutting the rest of my hair to look exactly like what I already had, just shorter, and a little less A-liney so the front of my face now has hair just an inch longer than the hair on the back of my neck.
It doesn’t look shoddy at all, just shorter is all and yes, it will grow out in a few weeks, but DAMNIT! I wanted a steep A-line cut, not a short bob that slopes gently! When I said I wanted to keep the front the same length, as close to it as possible, I didn’t mean to cut two inches off of it!!!! HOW IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!!? Does the word “steep” not exist in your vocabulary? Was showing you where I wanted the tip of the A to start and the bottom of the A to end not clear???
*Grumbles*
Like I said, it still looks nice, I can live with it, ITS JUST TOO SHORT IN THE FRONT NOW!!!! NOT WHERE I WANTED IT!!!! Thank god I’m used to short hair otherwise I’d be freaking out right about now.
All I can say is I learned my lesson. I’m going to let it grow again and then go somewhere where the person with the scissors can understand the meaning of a steep a-line haircut. Not a bob. Not something that reminds them of gentle rolling hills. I want damn Mt. Everest.
At least I can still pull my hair back into a ponytail—barely, but I can. Because I’ll mostly, probably, VERY LIKELY BE DOING THAT UNTIL THE FRONT IS BACK TO THE LENGTH I LIKED IT AT BEFORE THIS SORRY EXCUSE FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING PUT IT AT!!!!
Any hairstylists here that can maybe explain to me where I went wrong in explaining what I wanted? Can you explain to me maybe why she did what she did so that way I can understand her thought process? Is a “steep A-line cut” where the back is at the neck and the front is past the shoulders not possible?
Uuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhh.
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self.offmychest
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I find it weird and insensitive when people post photos of their friends or relatives on their death bed There's been a surge of people on my fb feed whose grandparents are or were in the hospital because of severe health complications. There they are; unconscious with tubes running in and out of them and their grandkids are of course there to document it for the purpose of showing it to their friends. The caption that accompanies the photo are always long, solemn, and bittersweet so I don't, or rather, can't doubt that they're sincere in how they feel but it just seems so unnecessary and tasteless to place someone you claim to revere in the public light while they're in such a vulnerable state and for what? A bunch of likes? A few short condolences?
The most recent one I've seen is of an acquaintance's uncle who had already passed. His nephew, my acquaintance, even put one of those annoying filters that makes it look like an old photo with a timestamp. First sentence read something like "I took this photo because I had to know for sure that this was real and I wasn't dreaming." It goes on to say how unbelievable it is and how much he's going to miss him and how grateful he is for having him in his life.
I understand that people grieve in different ways but everything about this feels so wrong. The heartfelt caption wouldn't mean less if it wasn't accompanied with a photo and people, or at least his real friends, wouldn't ignore it if it wasn't accompanied with a photo. Actually his real friends should probably message or call him privately offering support instead of just giving a canned condolence in the comments, or at least if I was in his situation that's what I would prefer.
This whole culture of documenting every private thing is fucked up and just trivialises life.
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self.offmychest
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I sometimes wish something awful would happen to me to justify my depression. I feel I don't deserve help because I've no reason to be depressed. But I am.
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self.depression
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My cat died today. Happy Thanksgiving, I guess. I know its a morbid way to start off this post, but me and my sister have loved this cat for 10 years. She was hated by the rest of our family, but deep down this cat had a loving heart.
Early Thanksgiving morning, I heard my cat crying out in pain, and she couldn't move her hindlegs. My sister picked her up and rushed her to a emergency clinic, and I thought nothing of it since I hoped that she would come back okay. I went back to sleep thinking "Oh, she'll be all right. Once she gets treated she'll come back home and sleep on us again. She'll be running everytime she hears the foodcan crack open." Nope. I was awoken and told that she had saddle thrombosis, a blood clot in the hindlegs thats often fatal to cats with a 15% chance to live with surgery. I knew my dad was cheap, and he opted to put the cat to sleep. I live by a quote, and its "You miss 100% of shots you dont take" and I was completely heart broken that he forced this choice. Is it selfish that I wanted to see this cat recover? Even if it meant she might potentially go through pain from the process? It feels selfish to me, and I know its selfish for my cat as well, but I was so angry at myself and upset that shes longer here. My sister has severe depression and anxiety, and she cried all day. It broke my heart, and I couldn't even take a single bite out of my Thanksgiving meal since my depression usually hinders my ability to eat.
So thats how my Thanksgiving went.
I just wanted to vent. I'm sorry if I seem selfish acting like this over a pet, but it just blows. How come there isn't a cure for something like this? A blood clot seems so easy in hindsight. I'm just tired.
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self.depression
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Lonely failure I have just quit my job. I mean on a Sunday night I have emailed my boss that I have quit. The stress and depression the job bought me made me quit on my day off. I am now going to be unemployed. I have nothing lined up but that job was killing me.
But am I being honest? Is it just the job. I have spent the whole weekend alone. I have only spoken to people months phone not face to face. No one has wanted to meet up or go out so I have been isolated.
I've been reading up on ending it and even crossed the local bridge twice today contemplating is I should do it. I have failed. I've let my parents down. Friends are non existent and now I don't have a job. I've enough money for 6 months after that who knows!!
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self.depression
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I can't be normal Fuck guys. This isn't an "I'm weird and nobody gets me" this is honest to god just me being dumber than everyone else. I keep hearing everyone talk about how easy college is but I just can't do it. I fail all my classes. I always work hard on the homework, I study for tests and quizzes, and it's not enough. Everything comes easy to everyone else. I stutter and have issues forming coherent sentences, and my words always slur like I'm drunk. I don't smoke or drink or any kind of drug, I'm just too stupid to act sober. I'm a slow thinker with a bad reaction time. And I can't do it. It's so frustrating because it seems like everyone else can just show up and do well. I work my ass off and still suck. I know I'm young but this has been the trend my whole life. I don't want to live a life where I'm constantly fucking up and subpar to everyone around me.
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self.depression
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Fatigue Problems? Hey guys! I haven't had any anxiety attacks lately, just general anxiety here and there. Yet for the past few days I have had serious fatigue problems. I am so tired even adter 8 hours of sleep, and I can barely get through the day. I have been diagnosed with GAD almost 2 years ago, and fatigue would often happen during an anxiety attack. This whole thing is giving me anxiety. Anyone else have this issue?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm not sure, and I don't want to be, not really. So I'm not sure I'm depressed because I've never been to a psychiatrist, and I don't dare to (mainly because depression is just a scam, according to most people I know and most importantly, my family).
But I felt it all, I've done my research, and I studied it enough to know, I've been through it all, for the last five years I've been through every single symptom, and no one knows a thing, none of my friends and not a single person in my family.
I have so many friends and they all say that I'm one of the most kind-hearted people they have ever met, and that came from people whom I've never expected to say such things.
It scares me and it makes me feel so lonely it hurts. there was this one time a couple of years back when I actually turned to my friend (who told me she had been depressed for a long time) and she brushed me off and said that I don't even know what depression even is. That was when I truly felt like no one would ever even begin to understand what I go through.
I'm not suicidal, but I loathe living to the point where I wish I was brave enough to do it. I know I won't. And I don't want to be.
I attempted it twice before, once I took a handful of pills and I don't remember what happened afterwards. And a few years later I tried to slit my wrist but I got so terrified and ended up with only a bruise.
I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess I feel like people here know what it's like to feel shitty and be all alone with it.
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self.depression
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I don't feel anything anymore (This is my throwaway account because my friends know about my other account)
lately (past year possibly, worsened over these few months) I've been feeling so empty and sad, like my whole existence doesn't even matter. Now that I've send of my university application I've started to doubt even going to university. Every single person I know thinks I'm dumb (they never vocalise this but I'm pretty sure they think this lol), my teacher was practically being rude to me telling me not to apply to certain uni's saying that I have no chance (my grades are relatively decent). I feel like everyone in my life constantly underestimates me and it hurts. I don't even want to live anymore but I'm scared of death. No one cares for me and I've stopped caring about myself a long time ago
I constantly joke about me killing myself in my English Literature class but my English teacher just brushes it off because she doesn't care about anything I say.
I like this guy, he's so beautiful and like a work of art but I'm too ugly and he's way out of my league.
My life at home is pretty bad. I share a room with my sister who screams 24/7. I have no desk to work on. No laptop. I have no privacy and no room to change. I have no place to cry without someone barging in like right now. Living conditions aren't the greatest (I'm ashamed of going into depth about this)
I don't know if I'm depressed but I don't care for my life anymore. I couldn't care for what happened to me, but I wouldn't actively hurt myself (i guess im a coward)
I cried to my mum once and she blamed me and was making me guilty for how I felt. She said I was 17 (nearly 18) and I didn't have any real stress or worries in life because I'm still a baby.
I'm writing this crying and not because of how much my life sucks, but how numb I feel. I was walking in the cold a couple minutes ago and I didn't even feel the cold, it was like I was numb and I just wanted the numbness to swallow me. I want my feelings to be numb. I want to be gone.
I know nobody probably cares but I just needed to get this off my chest. I guess I just needed someone to hear me out for once.
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self.offmychest
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bullies in my life I'm a very easy-going, good-natured person but I seem to be constantly surrounded by people who want to put me down. I am overly humble and considerate. I understand why its part of being human to bully others. I've never really attempted to reach out for help, I always figured I should learn/be able to deal with it on my own.
I've just grown tired of it at this point, these people seem to follow me in my life. I need to learn how to deal with this, I need to become stronger. Its very clear to me that I cannot figure this out on my own and at least a quarter of my life has gone by.
I know the route problem is my low self-esteem which has been wrecked since a nasty break-up and has probably never been that high, or else had a weak foundation to begin with.
I'm afraid that this pattern is going to ruin me. I'm starting to hate everyone and I don't think I can live like that.
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self.offmychest
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I have schizophrenia, but I tell people I'm bipolar [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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One thing about future parenting that scares me. I have chromic stomach problems and am in a lot of pain at any given moment. Small children don't really understand that mommy needs time to take care of herself, so I'm afraid I'll be out somewhere and my stomach will act up and I won't be able to corral my kids.
I may just not have kids. Really, I am debating on not having kids because this is such an issue to me.
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self.offmychest
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I don't feel like the people that I care for really care about my depression/mental health I feel like every time I ask someone for help or just to talk to em about my depression, I just get belittled/ignored and I end up feeling like a major burden/nuisance. And it just makes me more reluctant to talk about my depression to other people. But at the same time, I don't wanna cut off my relationships with those people because they're the only people that I have in my life that bother to talk to me. This is shit is so confusing, I can't even tell who genuinely cares for me anymore.
I don't even have the courage to talk or meet other people because of my awkwardness, anxiety, trust issues, shyness and introversion. This shit really sucks
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self.depression
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I got fucking put on hold. I just needed someone to calm me down.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depression and angry all the time. A few months ago, I was put on a sick leave due to a burnout and depression. I was feeling stuck in a dark places with suicidal though from time to time. I was feeling worthless and empty.
I started to see a therapist and we are working on my behavior. ( no self-esteem, perfectionnist, overachiever) But since, my depression seem to have switch towards being very angry all the time. It seems I can't process informations correctly and if somebody tells me something about myself or my work i'm quickly feeling judged, criticized or taken for an idiot. And I burst out in anger, I raise my voice, feel like flipping the table and have no patience...( I used to be very calm and contained)
Anybody experienced that? The worst is that I started to take care of myself ( 8 hours of sleep, good food and being more active) but it seem I get trigger more easily...
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self.depression
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I think I'm actually a sociopath, and I'm hurting everyone around me I don't want to write a long post explaining my life, just come out and say it. I work at a bar and cheated on my girlfriend multiple times recently after being hit on every night for almost a year and don't feel bad about it at all. In fact it made me realize I'm missing out on something that is very fun and I could be doing. She thinks I'm too good for her and has threatened suicide when i suggested we have a break before, so i guess thats why. I use my friends and people I meet as often as i can while i get away with it also. I feel bad about none of this any more I'm just numb. Thanks for listening.
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self.offmychest
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I hurt someone because I was weak. Throwaway. This story has several parts. I will condense it as much as I can for the sake of brevity.
I've never been an innately social person. I can be sociable very easily but never had that drive to exert my energies to be social. Most of the time I can just entertain myself and focus inward and I've been fine. I do have a lot of problems opening up with people though.
This is where it starts to get complicated. In early 2015 I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. I had no intention of breaking up with her and loved her with all my heart despite any issues we had. I wont get into that story but she met someone else (briefly) and got rid of me. After that we were okay friends and she discarded me again as a boyfriend she had didn't like her even talking to me for any reason. All of this left me in a very deep depression.
During this period I took up anyone I knew on how to just travel and experience things to get over it. I met a foreigner and took a trip to her home country because I had no other plans or considerations at the time. This, "relationship" was fine as I never had to see her often and we had a decent time whenever she was around in USA. I was honestly too depressed to care and liked the company. I saw other girls too and was open about this and didn't hide it at all. She didn't care.
After about a year of this an event happened that I didn't foresee nor did I have any idea on how to deal with. In June of 2016 this woman told my parents we were getting married. My parents are... traditional to say the least and simply put. I did not know how to say no. So I said nothing and hoped it would go away somehow. I know I should have stood up for myself. But this is my weakness and I know it. Eventually I paid for it. In many ways.
In July of 2016 I met someone amazing. I never intended to, or planned for it or tried to or anything. It happened as many relationships do and I put the reality of my life to the back of my mind. Naively thinking I would just find some way out of it. But this woman. I loved her. With all my heart. I have no other elaboration.
I was still caught in this marriage that I didn't want and didn't have the strength to leave. Even someone as antisocial as me... How do you cut all ties with anyone and everyone in your family? It was something I couldn't swallow. I didn't know how to. And I was totally alone. I didn't have a soul to talk to about what I should do. This is not an excuse. It was just my experience and talking to people helps. Even in minor ways.
Months before the date of this wedding. I told her. The girl I actually loved and broke her heart. I've never felt like such a piece of shit my entire life. I never had single person, ever in my life to talk to anything about. Not ever. This isn't meant to save me. I know I am a piece of shit here and I will pay for this forever. She reacted as you can imagine and I lost her forever.
This did galvanize my resolve and I told my family and her (the bride's) family to fuck off. I went my own way and I haven't spoken to a single soul related to me since July 2017. I am totally alone now and I am not going lie. It hurts.
I can't stop thinking on how. If I had just been stronger. I could have had the best life possible for me. But that is just not what worked out. I'll survive. But happiness will be beyond my reach for some time. At my age. This is my true regret in life. Until I fuck up something else even more later.
I apologize for any rambling. This took a lot of strength for me to write.
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self.offmychest
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Rapid weight gain on lithium or my eating disorder convincing me of things that aren't true?! Desperately want to stop taking it, know I shouldn't, please convince me not to stop anyone please [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I don't know what I'm worried about. I've been tense for a few days if not a week now. It started with slow breathing then restless nights because I keep paying attention to my heart beat. My head and neck is tense and I have a heart time swallowing. I sometimes feel dizzy and pins and needles in my head. It's bothersome. I'm mostly worried about my health.
I ended up in hospital on valentines day and my heart rate, oxygen, blood, and blood pressure was all fine.
I can't fall asleep because my heart races spontaneously. I take sleep meds that kinda helps but I wanna stop it.
I'm tired of feeling breathless and tense and worrying about this feeling in my belly. If the hospital can't find anything wrong with me why am I still so tense?
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self.Anxiety
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Depressing job, health problems, feeling of worthelessness and wasted time - anyone feeling the same willing to voicechat?
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self.depression
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Making simple mistakes at work because I don’t have enough time to actually think through tasks because of giant workload is driving me insane I have a really really big problem with making mistakes or looking incompetent. My workload is huge and I’m not properly trained in it so that’s anxiety in and of itself. My problem lately though is the fact that I have so much work to do that I can’t give 100% in each task and things fall through the cracks. I make simple mistakes simply because I don’t have enough time to think. This morning I walked into work and the first email I looked at was my supervisor critiquing something that I did incorrectly but that I actually know how to do. But because I had to rush through it, I did it wrong. And now I’m immediately in a bitter and pissed off mood at my company for making me do so much work that I get put into this situation. And I’ve been here five minutes.
I know everyone’s going to say calm down it’s fine everyone makes mistakes. I obviously know that. The extent to which these mistakes affect me and how I feel other people view me though is the actual problem and if anyone could offer any advice other than ‘your mistake probably didn’t affect anything’ or ‘they know employees are going to make mistakes’ I would greatly appreciate it.
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self.Anxiety
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Physical effects from bipolar Hi all
I've just been wondering, what are some of your physical effects from being bipolar? I have this constant feeling that I don't know is from the depression or something else
Since I became I teenager (my condition manifested very earlier in life) I have this constant feeling like my body being really heavy and I drag myself around. Also struggle breathing through my nose because I feel like I'm not getting enough air. I don't ever feel comfortable even when laying down, I don't know how to sit walk or stand in a comfy way. I go to sleep tired and wake up tired (my energetic hypomania happens once in a blue moon despite my rapid cycling, my hypomania is mostly anxious aggressive episodes) and I just feel like my body is dying. It's not literally dying because since it's been so many years I'm sure i would be dead by now. Also, it's not periods of time. It's constant. How has bipolar physically affected you?
Edit: forgot to add stiff joints and muscle twitches. Also alot of grinding or cracking when I move. I'm only 21
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self.bipolar
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I'm dying as we speak It's fukken 1251am where I live, and I've exhausted all of my energy, time, and resources. I've already taken a splendid mix of pills and vodka. I came here for one last rant and hopefully save somebody else in my position. The love of my life took the kid a week before Christmas. I've had to pay her to see him in the time since. She now hangs out with guys and posts her fuckery on fb. Whatevers. My issue is her childhood rapest gets to spend more time with my boy than me. My father has spoken to her numerous times to get her to see things differently, she refuses. I've spent the last four years supporting this mess. The kid is only 1 1/2 so do the math on who got the majority of the pot. I also funded her addictions. Whatevers. Don't get me wrong folks, I'm not perfect. I've had my own shortcomings and battled my own addictions. On a brighter note, I'm three months clean from a four year long addiction to meth. Which her father got me into. Again, whatever. Actually, that's how I got on meds. I have done a 180 with my life from when she left. I got into treatment. But tonight, after seeing her most recent post, I said fuck it. If I was only a money pit for this girl, lemme give you and my boy what you want. Fortunately for them I have a reasonable insurance policy on my life. Unfortunately for dad, he's gonna wake up to this mess. Damn right I'm being selfish. If anything good has come of my life, it's been my ability to be an exceptional people person. My decision came down to having to pay to see my son, and her taking the money elsewhere. I'm gassed out. I have found a new hate in life and it's myself. For allowing and supporting such bullshit. I gotta go on another journey in the stars. I love you all. Alohas.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Help I feel so fucking terrible and I really wanna make a post to tell someone what I'm struggling with in this very moment but I can't even force myself to type it out. I just can't since I'm a worthless piece of shit who can't do anything. Please mods just delete.
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self.depression
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I rejected the prettiest girl I ever saw, because I was short I used to work at a bookstore. In came a redhead with freckles. She wore a nice skirt and started flirting with me. I was shocked. Why would the worlds prettiest girl flirt with me? She was tall, I was short. There where others around, staring at us. Such as a tall Chad who almost got offended that she flirted with a man like me.
I assumed she wanted her books cheaper? But no, she wanted my number.
I was thinking of future hurt. And how it would never work out. And how she would eventually reject me once she found out who I was. I told her I had other customers and helped them instead. The memory haunts me still, years later.
Did I do the right thing? She'd reject me anyway, right?
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self.offmychest
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I don't tell anyone about my 'side project' for fear of sounding delusional. I've spent the last five years designing (or maybe just fantasizing about) a large scale disaster relief system. Very lofty, very theoretical stuff. Last night I called it quits. I'm not an engineer. Or a doctor, or a soldier, or anything really. I'm a waiter and I just turned thirty.
When I was twenty-five I was still milling around college campuses pretending that I was making progress on a degree plan. Deep down, I knew that I wasn't. I spent a lot more time on Reddit back then, along with RSS, video games, the blogosphere, and whatever else helped me escape my day job(s) or neglected course work.
I really dig movies. Even the bad ones; their good moments will still bring me to joy or tears. Somewhere around half way to being twenty-six I saw the first installment of JJ Abrams re-imagined 'Star Trek' series. I'm a sap, and a 'Trekkie, so one line stood out to me.
Captain Pike said it to Kirk whilst urging him to enlist:
"You know what Starfleet is, don't you? It's important. It's a humanitarian and peacekeeping armada."
I just... couldn't get it out of my head. About a week later I scrolled back up to a blurb that passed across my news feed. Of all the ships in the world, it was about the USNS Enterprise. The Nimitz class US aircraft carrier. It was to be decommissioned and sold for scrap. I read the article and sat staring at the last lines, unable to click away. It just didn't sit right with me. You probably think you know where I'm going with this by now. So did I.
A quick Google search showed me that I was far from the first person to think of re-purposing an aircraft carrier for disaster relief.
A week after that my eyes stopped on the reporting about the John C Stennis (another US carrier) being sent to vanguard the US response effort after the Hurricane hit Haiti. I was enthralled. I read everything that I could web crawl for about what it's duties there would entail and how the mission was going. I was less enthused, and more enraged, with every word I read. To clarify, I'm not ragging on the Stennis or her crew. At all. I've since come to know several service men and woman who served aboard her and they, as well as the crew that responded in Haiti, are a credit to the Navy, the USA, and all of our efforts (relief, war-making, and peacekeeping) abroad.
What fucking triggered me was the efficacy of the operation. I'll limit my commentary on this to the direct involvement of the Stennis. The articles that came out the day after she arrived explained that she'd been dispatched by congressional order ten days after the incident. I believe it took a week (possibly only four days) to reach Haiti. For simplicity I'll say a week. Also explained was that the ship was producing two hundred thousand gallons of potable water a day while engaged in response efforts. Research proved that to be very carefully selected wording. Although true of the capabilities of the onboard desalination plants, half of that goes to shipboard operations. Worse yet, they had no way to bottle the excess for distribution... for two weeks. They were eventually supplied with 'bladders', basically plastic bags, which they filled with the hoses normally used for cleaning off the flight deck.
Apologies for the length and detail there but... lets do a tally.
Seventeen days after the storm the vanguard of the GLOBAL, not just US, response force arrives. Two weeks later they are able to make use of on hand resources (the ship and its desal plants) to begin distributing water via their helicopters. That's THIRTY. ONE. DAYS. before one of the best pieces of equipment that's ever been leveled at a humanitarian crisis, from the most powerful nation in history, was able to ply its capabilities to aid in the case of water. This is a bit of a fudge because the task force did bring and distribute pre-bottled water from day one. However, observing the process taught me something.
A few minutes of thinking about it brought me to the conclusion I'm sure others came to as well: even if you could pull off re-purposing a carrier for humanitarian endeavors, it's the wrong piece of hardware for the job. At least, a Nimitz class was.
I'd had my eureka moment.
This was the beginning of a very long education spanning naval ship design, the geopolitics of military and relief intervention, the history of Non-Governmental Organizations in disasters, logistics for 'boots on the ground' relief, etc. I was... I AM... obsessed.
Eventually it all coalesced. I had a flickering pale image in my mind of what a blue water (global) immediate disaster relief force would look like. I've spent the three years since nitpicking it.
Painfully slowly I researched and 'ground up' designed an organization that could cut response time to anywhere on the planet down to four days. Maximum.
They'd respond proportionally based on persons affected, counted in units of ten thousand. The number makes scaling easier and the equipment list gets simpler if you stick with it... trust me on that one.
I rolled in it. I've loved every tedious, infuriating minute of the labor of creation. I ate it for breakfast lunch and dinner and got fat and happy theorizing about organizational structure, how to fold it all into existing systems both logistically and politically, and writing language to try and pitch it to the world.
But.
I'm weary. I've sat up all night heart aching over something I read. It's not even a large obstacle it's just... one more. Just in case anyone read all that and still cares for some reason, I was reading an article in 'The Human Rights Reader' by Micheline Ishay and David Goldfischer titled "Human Rights and National Security: A False Dichotomy". I was trying to find language that might apply to the many complications of plunking truly massive response forces into developing nations. I got more than I asked for, although that's not what the article is about.
I stopped at... the realization that for all of my efforts to draft a charter for such an NGO (non-governmental organization, a charity), I'm never going to manage to build in enough checks and balances to keep it from being a tool for force projection (national or multi-national politicking) for someone.
Which is... important. Ships similar to the ones I've been theorizing already exist, some of them anyway (like a fast, high capacity, hospital ship), in a response cooperative in the South China Sea. Last year a Texas company came out with a product nearly identical to a write up I did years ago for rapidly deployable wireless asset/personnel management/tracking. Half the world's militaries are doing... heh, HALF... of what I know to be possible with containerization.
Somebody, somewhere, is going to realize and bring to fruition every single aspect of my organization long before I can do the body of work to make sure that it could stay independent, triage based, altruistic, and free of political coercion.
So... I give! I need to re-dedicate the hours of my day and stop being a guy that walks around with a pile of books that he really doesn't care to tell you why he's reading. I've got no secrets its just complicated, and lofty.
WHEW! Yeah, that does feel better off of my chest. On the off chance that anyone made it this far, and because I find it cool... my projection for start up cost is about forty billion dollars. Chump change compared to what the world spends, even just in waste dollars, on relief every year. It'd take about twelve thousand people to staff and alongside immediate trauma response would mitigate the biggest killer after a disaster: disease.
I still, and will continue to feel that we, as a species and global civilization, are doing a shameful job of looking after our neighbors in times of need. And that we have a responsibility to do better.
But maybe... I'll find a smaller project.
Thanks. Dueces.
EDIT
Some numbers
EDIT 2
Well damn guys! I wasn't expecting anyone to read that. Much less reply. There's some good questions in here and I'm thrilled to see the interest. I'll get plugging on answering them.
And thanks for the gold!
|
self.offmychest
|
Failures I'm 21 and dropped out of college earlier this year due to depression and anxiety making it impossible for me to function. The plan was to work with a therapist and get a job before figuring out where I'm going. I've been unable to find a job and we've had to start taking care of my grandmother which has made this situation untenable. All of us have been struggling, but constant rejections and my parents disappointment have pushed me to the edge. I've had suicidal thoughts before, but listening to my parents shout a few minutes ago made me realize just how close I am to doing something. I just don't know what to do.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else ever get triggered/super worked up over things that are so irrational? I feel so helpless. And no one understands.
|
self.bipolar
|
I wish I had someone. i feel really lonely, nobody ever messages for anything unless they want something, i wish I had someone that reaches out to me instead of me being the Initiator.
|
self.offmychest
|
Severe depression I keep thinking that maybe I'll get better and it never happens. It has been like this for 7-9 months. I have had no energy, no motivation, and no desire or interest in doing anything. All of these days have been spent just sitting on my couch doing hardly anything all day every day. I feel like there is no hope. Anyone here been through this and gotten better?
|
self.depression
|
New Years Resolutions related to anxiety? For me, my New Years resolution is to be more vulnerable and open with my feelings, especially in my current romantic relationship, and to stop using my hurtful coping behaviors when I feel like I’m too vulnerable (i.e. pulling away from/avoiding my SO when I feel like I’ve expressed too much affection or haven’t received enough, etc. in a misguided attempt to “regain control” or “have the upper hand”)
Anyone else made resolutions related to conquering some aspect of their anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I wish I knew how to support others. People don’t like to talk to me because I am useless at being there for them. It’s not that I don’t try, I really do but I can’t work out how to show them that I’m there for them and that I care.
My boyfriend called me because he was upset about something. I tried to help but he got frustrated with me and just told me to leave him alone.
I feel like shit.
|
self.offmychest
|
I hate hate hate facebook My parents are saying how lucky I am because they didn’t have Facebook when they were my age... the only thing I appreciate about Facebook is being able to communicate with people when you need to beyond that it's responsible for a big chunk of my overall anxiety and depression. Whenever I see people getting into relationships, whenever I see people post about their accomplishments, whenever I see my friends having fun without me I can't help but hate myself for not experiencing any of that. I only joined Facebook near when I turned 18 and I can say for certain my anxiety and depression have skyrocketed ever since.
|
self.depression
|
To be honest... The world is grossly overpopulated anyways so me leaving wouldn't make much of a difference.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Lost. First time posting on this forum, just looking for support I guess.
I’m 23 years old and I was diagnosed w bipolar type 2 when I was 16, but I don’t know if that diagnosis is still accurate? I was also diagnosed as borderline at 18 but multiple psychiatrists have told me this diagnosis was inaccurate. I usually only have 4 manic/hypomanic episodes a year or so, but starting in October 2017, my mood has been rapid cycling and I’ve experienced what I think are mixed episodes of mania where I won’t sleep, act out recklessly, have all this pent up energy and feel depressed at the same time.
In the past few weeks I’ve:
1)gotten wasted a least twice a week
2)almost gotten arrested for attempting to steal liquor from Walmart
3)gotten kicked out of a diner and the police called on me for my cousin and I screaming and shouting (drunk of course)
4)there was one night where I got drunk, high, did some lines and popped a pill and a half of E
5)has unprotected sex w 3 men in the last two weeks and protected sex with one more.
6) worked 70hr weeks at work.
7) experienced intermittent auditory and visual hallucinations,
8)driven recklessly
9)slight grandiur where when I would walk into a club I believed I could pick up any person I wanted.
10) gotten 7 body piercings
I don’t even know if all this is considered mania or hypomania.
I don’t get along the best with my psychiatrist, I feel like he’s judge mental but sometimes I don’t know if there’s any truth in that or if it’s all in my head and I’m paranoid.
I don’t feel good, I don’t know how to stop doing stupid reckless stuff. Sometimes I feel like my mental illness is ruining my life and I don’t kno how to fix it. Right now I’m on abilify 15mg and obviously it isn’t working too well. In the past I’ve tried: lithium, tegrotal, depakote, risperidone, Latuda, buspar, Wellbutrin, topamax, geodon, Zoloft, and more I can’t remember. Any advice on ny sitatuion greatly appreciated. Thanks guys
|
self.bipolar
|
Its been acting up at night or when I'm alone. A lot of my anxiety tends to hit me when I'm alone. I'm not always sure what to do, but mostly I try to find things to get by..really just sort of survive it. Every time I try and express some of the things going through my head to friends, it's like there's no end to things bothering me and I'm sensitive to how they feel in the sense that I don't want to drive away the friends I have. I'm living in an area with drastically different views on social issues and I feel like it's hell trying to find someone to relate to here and for those whom I find that either share my views or show patience in listening to me over extended amounts of time I don't want to drag their lives down and overburden them.. I feel like I've dug myself into a social grave and while things like the internet help connect people across oceans, I really wish I had someone to talk to face to face with it being easy and natural and not forced or fake. As much as I'd like to date again, I don't see anyone that I'm interested in and have a chance with. And with those who have expressed interest in me it just has never been mutual. Love, life, and purpose all seem to be disappointing subjects with no hopes of getting better...only getting by and that just never feels good enough. I feel like such a waste of existence. I'm not out to hurt myself in the physical sense, but I still feel like I couldn't really count it as a tragedy if something terrible did befall someone like me. I feel so... just not worth anyone's time expressing something like that though. It's not like I'm the only person with problems. Why should mine matter to anyone else?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I take klonipin for anxiety. Anyone happen to know how this would effect my workout/gym routine?
|
self.Anxiety
|
[Need Advice] Need anti depressants but I don't want my mum to know about it. Hello guys, I am 17 and I live in Singapore with my Mum. I have been depressed on and off for the past 5 years with serious suicidal thoughts for the last 4.
I really think that it's time that I start anti depressants because I reckon it would help me tons. The problem is, I don't want my mum to know because the last time I opened up about being slightly suicidal and very depressed, she freaked out on me (don't need to get into details.) She has had a history with it herself and I know that if i ever took my life, it would permanently ruin her.
At this point, medication is my last resort. I've had a girlfriend and it made no difference whatsoever, I still feel empty most of the time and would rather die than anything else.
I know that in Singapore you're able to consent medically when you're 16, but I'm not sure if i can possible get around her for meds like this without her knowledge/consent. Any help for my situation would be fantastic :) Thanks everyone
|
self.depression
|
How could people 'feel worthless'? How is that a feeling? Isn't it more like a realization? Aren't you just remembering the logical conclusion you made but you forgot because of all the distractions in life?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Advice: Humiliated in front of friends last night Last night, on my way to my car with a few friends, I asked if it was okay if I knocked on the door of a mutual friend’s house and quickly said hi (we happened to walk right by their front door).
My friend, or at least someone I considered to be my friend, “Stu,” answered the door. He slipped out of his house and stood on the front porch, all the while talking to me. The conversation, I’ll admit, was awkward, and I said some odd things out of nervousness (I am very attracted to Stu). I was also very aware that I was imposing on his time, but he seemed to make no intention or even inclination to try and get out of the conversation. I even considered telling him we needed to leave because I didn’t want to monopolize his time.
But before any of that could happen, his roommate Mike came outside, briefly said hello, and said that he needed Stu for something and asked if we would excuse them for the night. I felt crushed. I know these guys well enough to know that this was just a veiled maneuver to “save” Stu from the conversation (I’d seen them do similar things before). It was almost like they had planned to do this prior to this interaction. I felt like the most socially inept person in the world.
To make matters worse, Stu started coming up with reasons to say goodbye by saying “Ali needs to go to bed.” I hadn’t drank anything and wasnt even tired. It felt so condescending and belittling, like he was referring to a child. He then added, “and by that I mean I need to go to bed.” Everyone laughed and we left.
If you don’t want to talk to me, fine. But is it wrong to feel totally awful about the fact that they felt like they needed to use an excuse to escape a conversation with me? I can’t stop ruminating about how disrespected I feel. I feel like a social leech now :(
Does anyone else have situations like this? And how should I respond to this?
|
self.depression
|
Not that I like Neruda but tonight I can write the saddest lines [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
People who think that life is special and worth living Do they realize what life is?
Do they know that this is just the thing we experienced so far? I mean it's just that.
There is no big mythical thing that will show up at some point. There is no big thing named LIFE that we all wait for and that will blow our minds.
It's just .. just... the thing we do every day since birth.
What's the big deal? Doing it a few decades more or less. It's not like we're collecting points that we can use later on. It's just that. It's probably going to stay like that in essence. There won't be unicorns and fairies just because we wait a little longer. It's just the same old thing from the beginning to the end.
It's like someone telling you to watch a bad movie, because it might get better, but most likely it won't even have a satisfying end because there's no plot to begin with.
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self.depression
|
I used to be hypersexual as a child i don't even have an actual acct on reddit but i'm using a throwaway acct for this because even if i did i sure as hell wouldn't want to talk about this on it. and the only reason i'm even sharing this on here is because i haven't been to my actual therapist in awhile because of how scheduling is with her and this has been bothering me and it's never going to stop bothering me until i talk about it i guess.
(for reference, i'm a girl and 15 years old now. i don't know if that matters but i thought i should just say that)
anyway, when i was about 6-9 or so (i can't actually remember specifically how old i was because of how much i repressed it) i was sexually abused by my mother's ex-boyfriend's daughter (ex-stepsister? i don't know.) for a long period of time. almost up until my mother and her ex broke up, actually, i think. i'm not going to go into detail, but it mainly involved me being sexual with older men on chat sites, like omegle, because she wanted me to. there was definitely a lot of other things, too, but that's what i remember most.
after that, i, a young little child, would talk about sex often. very often. i would think about sex almost constantly. it almost became a sort of coping mechanism for me. i would literally think about it in bed as i was trying to sleep almost every night. it was out of control. that's not my main issue, though. i mean, it's one of my issues, which i have a lot of, but it's not the thing that i want to talk about right now.
i used to be inappropriate with my peers. i just want to say that i did not put my hands on anyone in /that kind of way/. i don't remember doing so. sometimes i worry that i did, but i realize that its likely the ocd and ptsd and whatever, but i digress. besides talking about sex, i sometimes would just behave very... creepily(?) towards some of my peers.
i don't know how to describe it other than harassment, because i honestly don't remember much about it. still, it happened, and its awful to think about because the idea of sexually harassing someone now is abhorrent and gross and i'm just. upset that i wasn't able to stop acting like that or learning that that was! not! ok! until 6th grade.
and in 6th grade i still talked about sex a lot, etc. but i never acted out like that in middle school. most of it happened in elementary school. namely 3rd-5th grade. and i'm sure hardly anyone i know irl remembers now, and the people who do remember probably think i was just fucking weird and creepy. which they are right to think because thats not something a child shouldve talked about and thats not how a child shouldve acted
(little fact though: once i did get in trouble for it in 4th grade and i had to see a counselor like twice but she literally couldnt figure out why i fucking did that and neither could i? because 1. it didn't even occur to me that that was sexual in nature, and 2. i was probably just being a stupidass 9 year old and not thinking before i acted. but i still regret that)
at this point i'm rambling but tl;dr i was hypersexual when i was younger due to sexual abuse and acted out sexually (and even though it was only harassment and not anything worse it's still horrifying to think about (and i'm sorry for the overuse of parenthesis. i know))
|
self.offmychest
|
Psychologist thinks I should kill myself if exposure therapy doesn't work [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Alcohol and Seroquel So I had my seroquel bumped 25mg (50 to 75) and Jesus, two beers and I'm toast. Not drunk just...not good. Anyone else have this? I'm basically limited to one 16oz now or things stop being fun. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm not looking to get drunk or anything but I love craft beer but I'm almost to the point where I'm afraid to drink more than one. I'm also on 150mg lamictal but only since the seroquel bump have things gotten really bad.
|
self.bipolar
|
Help Me Decide on a Place please!! Hey there,
So I just moved to a new area and I need help deciding on a new place. They're both roommate situations.
The first one is $50 more a month. I would only have two roommates and the environment seems more chill. It's like 20 minutes from where I want to work and about the same distance to where my dad lives. It's pretty close to Walmart.
The second one is cheaper, in like a perfect location (10 mins to work, 5 mins to dad, and 5 mins to Walmart), and I would be able to get the master suite (with its own bathroom) next month.
I would have 4 roommates though. My biggest concern is having to deal with so many people and the disabled roommate and her caretaker. More people usually means more issues. The disabled lady and her caretaker are both fairly poor and I worry about them asking me for things since I'm an RN. I also don't fancy the idea of having a permanent fixture in the house: someone who is just there all the damn time. Some of these issues could be solved with the master, especially if it's big enough for me to have a bed and maybe a futon and TV of my own. I could pretty much live in my room and just use the kitchen.
I'm going to see the master later today, so I could post an edit if you guys are interested.
I'd really appreciate some help deciding!!
EDIT: Solved. I chose the first place. The second place was like a drug house LOL. Thank you so much for your help! My one roommate actually asked me if I needed any help and lended me his drill :D
|
self.bipolar
|
Advice? Please I need to talk to someone I’m 22 y/o female, and I’ve being officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder for about a month and a half, I thought I was depressed, but it turns out I’m bipolar, and today is the first time in 2 months that I’m feeling happy and excited, yesterday I was feeling horrible and I made a new email, new twitter e tumblr accounts because I wanted to talk to someone and away from my ‘friends’, some of them knows what is going on, but they don’t really know what to do when I’m not well, and I know it’s not their fault, but I feel angry...
Now that I know what’s my ‘problem’, I’m aware when I’m having an episode of manic and depression (that’s how you say in English?)
I know very little about this, and I wanted to know if you guys thinks that manic episodes are actually bad, because my psychologist said that I could get mood stabilizers, but I don’t really want the manic phase to go away, I feel so ecxited and with energy to do everything, now that I know I’m bipolar, I can make this time even more productive, I’m also feeling guilty because I dropped out of college, I just couldn’t go there, I missed almost an entire semester and I was a really good student before, plus, my parents are Asians and they value education a lot, and now I’m just ashamed to even talk to them (I live by my own)... Is there any way to have a manic episode for a long time?
|
self.bipolar
|
I told my rapist that I expect him to help me pay for an abortion because they're expensive. He said he'll handle it, and he punched me in the stomach so many times. When I fell to the ground, he stomped on me. I'm suicidal. I want to die. [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Ending it all at 25 Waiting for that special someone had just completely drained me mentally. It has never happened for me and most likely never will happen as pretty much the 2 times I do truly love someone end up in a disaster and the 3rd time doesn't go as badly but they ended up finding their special someone. I have also never had a girlfriend or even touched a girl for that matter. The first time I ever truly loved someone ended up in a massive disaster. A few months after I met them 4 years ago I absolutely fell in love after getting to know them and I always wanted to talk to them. On Facebook I started to like all of their pictures and then she thought I was a creep. Eventually I started cutting myself saying it was because of my grades but not even about that.Now in my formal for my 8th grade when she had a date and I had flowers for her I was absolutely devastated but she still talked to me and even offered to dance a little bit and I thought I was having a good time only to realize they just blocked me and completely cut me off. This was the moment I should have realized I was unlovable and not worth any love or affection but no 2 years later fell for someone even harder than the last time and it ended up way worse. This time a freshman girl was starting to talk to me and be all nice to me. At first I was a bit surprised a girl would actually talk to me but eventually started to fall for her. In fact she even invited me to sit with her and her friends at their lunch table which I did. Some days she even walked with me to class. Eventually she started to be quiet and suddenly ignored me which i started cutting again(this time my legs so no one could see) fearing I made the same mistake last time and eventually it turns out she thought I was creepy which caused me to look up suicide methods on a school computer. However I got caught and sent to a mental hospital for a week and lied and said I had the flu. This time I SHOULD have learned that I'm worthless,not worth love or affection,a complete waste of life with no redeemable traits. I ended up falling for this girls younger sister and I still love them even after 2 years of never mentioning to them only ever texting them about it(but they said its fine and we still talk to each other a lot which does say that this one wasn't a complete disaster but they eventually find someone and I was devastated as I had always wanted to tell her in person but was scared of this time it ending up horribly. I even heavily trusted them with things I never regularly tell others but soon they blocked me on social media(I learned it wasn't her and that her boyfriend removed all guys on her accounts and even started ignoring me in person for whatever reason) I don't even know why I try anymore. I'm nice to people,get good grades,and I try to stay in shape as well being pretty tall and rather skinny. I just quit. I should have learned no one cares for the nice guys. They always finish last and no one is interested in them. I should have just realized I was worthless and unwantable a while ago. Now all I really have is my old blankie to keep me comfort and warmth. All I'm going to give life is 7 years to prove me wrong but that is it. At 25 if I'm still forever alone I will commit suicide and be free from the life that I didn't want.In 2025 no more will I have to suffer the cold truth that i'm completely unloveable and just someone everyone steps on and replaces. Then at last may I be free of my ugly appearance,voice and my personality. I don't care about my "uniqueness"nor do I want it. I just gets stepped on and replaced by someone a million times better than me in every way so it doesn't matter if I was to commit suicide. If love is a reason to live and my life is completely absent of it why move on?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
The only person I ever loved came back into my life [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I don't want to be single anymore! So… I’ve decided to take some action on ending my single life. I’m already 36 and I want to settle down at least before I reach 45. Initially, I planned to be married by the time I reach 40 but things aren’t going well with me. I’ve decided to join one of the most reputable matchmaking services called A Foreign Affair. I’ve seen a lot of great testimonials. Now, my only question is… is it worth it? Registration is free but you need to pay if you want to correspond.
Being single has become tiring and it’s making me feel weary thinking about possibly having kids at a later age. Any thoughts and advice? Is going for a matchmaking service a good call?
|
self.offmychest
|
Last night was absolutely terrifying.... Yesterday wasn't terrible. My mood was a bit down, but I wouldn't even say low enough to call it depressed. I had moments where, yeah I was fighting back tears, but I managed and I made it through the day successfully!
So anyways, I go to bed with my husband, and I'm laying there falling asleep. But then I feel something, and I open my eyes and I see him kneeling over me and he starts chocking me and I legit can't breathe. And then I blink and he's just laying next to me snoring like usual.... So I roll over, pretty shaken up at this point. Then I feel what feels like spiders crawling all over me so I jump out of bed freaking out, and go to the washroom and there's this guy in there, and when I turn on the light his face melts down to the bone underneath.
So now I'm pretty much bordering on crying hysterically by now. Eventually I crawled back into bed at God knows what time. At some point the furnace turned on and I could swear I heard the words "kill yourself" repeatedly through the vents while it was running. I think I eventually sobbed to sleep buried under blankets sure I'd be dead in the morning, apparently murdered by my husband or the man in the bathroom.
But now I'm awake, and other than still feeling a bit low in mood like yesterday whatever happened last night seems to be over.
Has something like this happened to anyone else? I was terrified, crying and shaking. I get psychotic while depressed, usually visual and tactile stuff like this but like I said I'd hardly call myself depressed right now... Yes I'm going to call my doctor, I just want some honest opinions from you guys. I've never heard voices while depressed before though, usually that happens when I get psychotic while manic.
|
self.bipolar
|
Life requires too much effort I'm just tired of work, sleep, repeat just so I can make money to barely be able to continue to function and repeat the cycle. I have no life goals I want to fulfill and I'll always be struggling financially. Really I just have the choice between being miserable working for the rest of my life, starvation, or suicide. Suicide seems like the logical choice right? Honestly I don't even know why I'm writing this because suicide seems like the best option, but clearly there's something wrong with me since people suicide is a bad thing and that work is good, so I guess a second opinion is good.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't. This is the last chance for me i need someone to listen to my depressingly normal final pleas before i go find some rope.
I swear from the bottom of my fucking heart i am not trying to get attention i just need someone to say something more than "its a temporary problem".
I'm 16 below average everything except for intelligence and weight i have already had suicidal thoughts prior to the more severe ones i have had over the last year.
I have no motivation or drive in anything i do i also have what is know as mental clouding this effects my grades and other aspects of my life.
Because of my grades being shitty right now im not in a good place with my parents i have had all my electronics taken away, this is certainly not the first time i have had a ban like this but i have been told by my parents that things like my laptop and the door to my room are never coming back.
(Im typing this from a school computer btw.)
I have had an increasingly large disconnect with my friends to the point where i dont even communicate with them anymore, i feel so alone right now.
It hurts to see some ugly as hell Fatass red-neck (bigger than me) on the buss brag about dumping his girlfriend, calling her a bitch and getting a new girl friend shortly after.
Recently i have been informed that i am pre-diabetic and to change this i am going to have to make some less than optimal changes to my life style.
When ever i think about doing something creative i stop myself and think about how over saturated everything already is i dont even have any distinct talents to begin with and i cant help but feel like all my actions and ideas are not mine.
I cry nearly everyday thinking about this growing amalgamation of thoughts in my head and i need someone to say its ok and explain why.
I cant believe how much of a whinny bitch i am i have basically had a silver spoon in mouth my all my life and im at the beginning of my life and i want to end it i cant imagine how id deal with actual problems.
Im a waste of time money and energy and i think its about time to disappear.
If i do go through with it my only regret is how i never got to or could ever change others lives for the better.
This whole thing is a mess and i don't have any good way to cap it off other than im sorry.
Thank you for your time.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Do you imagine yourself getting revenge on the specifics? Not in the form of killing them. Just, there are some people I really want to shank and throw to the ground. Like, I'd feel so cleansed. The memories wouldn't be so frustrating anymore.
|
self.depression
|
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