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Surrounded by mood disorders... This Christmas has been TOUGH. I finally have gotten to a point where I feel like I am in control of my emotions and my life. After nearly 35 years, it's a good feeling. Then the holiday happened and reminded me that I'm not just battling my own bipolar, but I'm also in the middle of my sister's bipolar, my mother's, and my husband's schizoaffective disorder. (These are basically all of my important relationships, I don't have much in the way of friends.) I ended up having a total breakdown yesterday because I was surrounded by such negativity and unhealthy behavior over Christmas. Sometimes giving everything you have isn't enough. I was overwhelmed with sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration and defeat and it felt like it was the end of everything. It's so hard sometimes when the people you depend on to support you when you need it, are sometimes the exact reasons you need the support in the first place.
::sigh:: Fucking family, am I right?
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self.bipolar
|
I used to think that being a social outcast was the loneliest feeling... [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I want to die but I don't want to kill myself.
I look around and I see so many awful things happening in the world, the most recent of which is the tax bill and I just can't. I feel so empty and sad and broken. This is an important year of my life, I am about to graduate from graduate school, for a fucking helping profession, and I can't even help myself. I don't feel qualified for pretty much any kind of job in my field. I don't know why anyone would hire me. I hate everything.
There is no hope. Only the daily slog.
I don't have intentions. Only desire. I would and could never do it. There are people in my life I love far more than I love myself, and for them I will keep going. But it just seems easier to stop. I'm just so tired of not feeling anything but hatred, sadness and anger.
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self.depression
|
Emetophobia. So, I recently went to a psychologist and she diagnosed me with emetophobia and believed this is causing my social anxiety. I have a terrible fear of vomiting and this causes me to have panic attacks, particularly in public places where I fear it would be embarrassing to vomit. It's stopping me from going to classes at college and doing presentations because I'm so scared that I'm going to vomit and embarrass myself.
Does anyone else experience this or am I crazy?!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Something I’ve never done Today I did a thing. Something I’ve never done before. Ever. So the thing is most people think I’m super confident. I’m not. I don’t usually let my anxiety prevent me from doing things in life. However, this is a thing I’ve struggled with. I struggle a lot with how I view myself. I see myself as being a lot bigger than I am. Over the past two years I’ve gained all the weight I worked so hard to lose back. Today I made the choice to go sign up for a gym membership. The working out part isn’t hard. It’s the fact that it’s a new place, and fairly wide open. I struggle with open spaces. But I walked in and signed up!! It’s a huge step for me for many reasons. But it’s my first ever gym membership!! I just wanted to share with some people who would maybe understand. :)
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m done being quiet & polite about being bipolar. I’ll let you guys know how it all works out..... A common theme with all of us is the ever present question: who can I️ tell, when can I️ tell them and how much can I️ tell them. And in the end it boils down to trust and how decent of a person they are (in my experience).
BUT it’s so fucking exhausting. Bipolar disorder has ruined and derailed my entire existence and there is not a day where it doesn’t dragsme through the mud, face down with teeth full of dirt and twigs. Insult to injury is when an acquaintance, a friend, a coworker, a loved one begin to treat you differently when they learn about your bipolar. They mock you, they disbelieve you, they treat you like a delicate child etc etc you all know how it goes by this point.
I’ve got a new plan: I’m going to be as obnoxiously loud and honest about my bipolar (&schizoaffective) as I️ can on every platform in my life. Because, sadly, bipolar disorder has become my life. Maybe it’ll weed out the asshats faster, maybe it’ll turn me into a screaming loon, but maybe, juuuuust maybe, it’s possible to live as an open and honest bipolar person.
I️ know how I️ feel whenever I️ notice someone being honest about their diagnosis, so I️ want to be that for someone else. And if I️ end up surrounded by fellow ‘crazies’ then so be it, our parties will be that much more lit.
I’ll let you all know how it pans out.
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self.bipolar
|
Fuck 2017 My feelings toward 2017 can be summed up in 3 words: “fuck that shit”. It was honestly one of the worst years of my life, tied only with the year my mom had cancer. I had a mental breakdown, totally burnt out, and now I’m just depressed as fuck. Yes there’s some good in this year, I discovered that I didn’t have to keep toxic people in my life, and that I’m not a goddamn therapist. (Also found some pretty sick music so that’s cool)
Yes this is just some angsty ass shit, but it needs to be said and I certainly can’t post it where everyone’s like “2017 was my best year yet!” All I know is that 2018 will be my fucking year, because I’m making it my year. No more basing my happiness off the happiness of others, this year I’m learning to be a little selfish sometimes. 2017 can go fuck itself, but it taught me some shit that I’m taking into 2018.
So thanks 2017, but fuck you.
|
self.offmychest
|
Should I continue taking Escitalopram? Hey guys. I started taking Cipralex (escitalopram) on Monday for anxiety and some depression. Before taking it, I was spiralling into panic attacks almost every morning, and was a real mess.
I know with the meds come side effects. I'm only on day 3, and my palms are really sweaty and warm. Like, my trackpad on my laptop sometimes doesn't work because it's wet from sweat. Other than that, I've been getting some minor stomach problems, and my anxiety has been through the roof. I can maybe deal with the other side effects, but this anxiety is really killing me. How do I even know if it's anxiety from the medication, or my own anxiety I was having before? I'm only on 5mg, which is practically the lowest dose, and I'm supposed to go to 10mg on Saturday, but the thought of increasing my anxiety even more really scares me. I feel like I have no way out here. If I stay on this medication, I can't function. If I stop taking it, I still have an anxiety disorder, and can't function. I've been staying at my mom's place these past few days, because I usually live alone, and dealing with this on my own is really scary. My mom has been off work for 2 weeks, but today is the first day she's back to work, and being alone has really fucked me up.
I just miss who I was before this anxiety. I know this medication might make my anxiety better, but then I'd eventually have to come off the medication, and the withdrawal symptoms would make my anxiety come back. I feel like I'm just postponing my anxiety disorder. I feel really hopeless. Im off work until Friday, and I find when I have nothing to do, I just stay at home, stay in bed, watch movies to try and get my mind off of everything, but I find everything I watch recently is causing me anxiety for some reason. I got really anxious today and even googles psych wards near me. I really feel like I'm losing it.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Zoloft Insane Nightmares / Dreams Hi all,
I've been on Zoloft for about 8 months now and I've noticed that I'm having some really insane, vivid nightmares. In one of them, my boyfriend had committed suicide and I was running around trying to safe him even though he was gone. In another, I was in a hotel at DisneyWorld with my whole family and had to hide from a mass shooter. The most horrible thing about them is that they seem like they really happened, even when I wake up. Logically, I very much know they didn't happen, but the feelings remain and when I think back on the nightmare, it follows day-logic, like people didn't magically appear and everyone's actions make sense.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of wonky side effect?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I finally got the nerve to tell my parents about my relationship [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Online counseling... would you try it? Online counseling includes text, email, video sessions with a therapist.
Would you try it for your anxiety?
And if you have done online counseling, what’s been your experience?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I've emptied my 401(k). It should be here any day. I emptied my (modest) retirement savings last week. It takes a few weeks to arrive, and If it's enough to cover the rest of my lease, healthcare expenses, and potential funeral expenses (although I'd really rather not be remembered) I'm out. Or at the very least I will continue my biological functions but do nothing but work, isolating myself from humanity for its own sake. I am nothing but evil. I'm not even sad. I just fucking despise myself in a way I can't convey in words.
For the record, before anyone starts saying I deserve to live, I have:
-killed my mom's friend's rat for scratching me
-dropped my cat from the top of the stairs repeatedly to test if she always landed on her feet
-strangled my brother repeatedly throughout his childhood from infancy on. Yes, I tried to kill a newborn.
-got into many schoolyard fights where I, you guessed it, went sraight for the throat
-was continuously abusive to my first 2 long term girlfriends, the first of whom was already terminally ill. I was finally arrested when I strangled my girlfriend almost to the point of unconsciousness but got out on probation and a class
-was evil to myself from then on, to the detriment of everyone else (it's not fun to be around someone who wants to sleep next to the litter box because he's shit)
 
So yeah. I really don't. I know it'll put even more negativity out into the universe to end it, but at this point it looks a lot like the lesser of two evils.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Im sick of the racism My name is Ousama. For my whole life people have called my bin laden and called my a terroist so much its pretty much common. Honestly, im just fucking done with it. No matter where I go I never get a fair shot because of my name. Its not my fault some guy sharing my name did terrible shit aftet I was born. Im afraid to tell people my name. No teacher will ever help me and I when I fight people I get excluded like I am some delinquent. Theres no winning. My confidence is pretty much shattered. My life at home is shit too. I want to end it but its against my religion and I am really fucking struggling.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Can’t let go... You can ask me how I’m doing
I’m in a living hell
I can’t get it out of my head
I can’t escape for 5 minutes
I can’t leave for eternity
I still love you
Even though I still hate you
I sleep on your side of the bed
I hold your pillow wishing it was you
I think about you every day
I’ve never had such a hard time getting over anything
Everyday gets worse and worse
I should put you on the ground next time I see you
But I’m too smart for that
I should burn your car
But I’m too smart for that
I should end everything for me
But I’m too smart for that
I should be over you and moved on
But I’m too dumb for that
You hurt me
You betrayed me
You ripped my heart out and threw it away
I miss your laugh
I miss your insight
I miss your dog
I can’t cry
I can’t be weak
I am always strong
We were going to be a single
We were going to be forever
We were going to be everything
No one will ever know
How much I hurt
How much I want to cry
How much I still care
I’m slowly slipping down the hill
And I can’t find traction
I can’t save you anymore
And now I can’t save myself
Fuck you
I truly hope you are happy in life
Wishing you the best,
-Your never future, 123
——————————
This has taken me weeks to finally get out. I feel like I’m swimming up river with no help. Everyday is exponentially worse than the previous. Self medication, meditation, self shrinking. Nothing has made it better. I lost the best thing in my life and I don’t know how to get over it. I can’t sleep enough. I take drugs to fall asleep another day. I don’t do anything. I grow further and further away from society. I lay in bed for longer and longer periods of time. I force myself just to shower 3 days later. I’m eating less. I talked to a therapist and I saw past everything they said. Twice. I can think of 10 ways to kill myself within 30 seconds and here I am. I’m starting to feel physical pain. I’m viciously pissed off and desperately hurt simultaneously. I have a will, a suicide note, my self loathing; ready to pin to the wall. I refuse to organize my apartment for my day. That’s how it would happen. I want my T-Rex, my Auto racer, my BF/F back. I want the team back, as it was. My home has become the final Canto. Cold and sealed by my own insufferable depression.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I'm actively failing my parents and lost myself University student, just generally feeling terrible. Counseling has such long wait times and I alternate being coping really well and just breaking down. Been that way for the past few years, despite only being 21.
I feel like there's barely any good job opportunities after university. I feel like my parents are disappointed I didn't go into a professional program, to "get a job right after getting out of school". I was yelled at for quitting a job I worked at only 1 day a week(didn't even get pay sheets, still worried about tax time, it was part time but still, the salary looks off), it was at late hours and took me over an hour to get home. I just feel like doing nothing, sleeping a bunch, don't ever feel like getting out of bed. I skip classes a lot.
Was told I'm so bright, so great, but I obviously can't plan things through. Told me I should've made a better life plan, told me they love me and are proud of me while simultaneously criticizing me for not helping out around the house or working hard enough lately and just in general. That they've been holding back from telling me they didn't like my choices for five years(they made it pretty clear passive aggressively during that time)
I feel like wasted space. I regret university, a lot of the classes seem like a joke. I was told all my life to avoid the fate of some relatives, who have degrees but work menial jobs. I feel so much pressure to do well and get a job. That's all it is: get a job, study to get a job, do things to get a job. No one in the family ever cared about my hobbies, hopes, dreams, they only care if it's to get a job; or at least that's the vibe I've gotten. They deny it of course, but whenever they bring things up in accusatory tones I feel differently.
I want to get out of this. I want to be an adult. I'm sick of my parents tough love, no nonsense approach to parenting. I wish I were encouraged. I wish someone could sit down with me and apply look up places online, take an interest in me than just my worth to an employer.
My apologies, this turned into rambling. Parents deny my interpretation of their goals/motives for me. I still feel like wasted potential to them. I hate university because all it's given me is theory, barely any practical skills. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be the smart kid, make the family proud and all that jazz. I honestly just need encouragement. I just want people to tell me it's ok to feel this way, that it was ok to quit my piddly min wage part-time job, that it does get better, that I'm not a waste.
And I wish my parents could just say they cared about me with love and encouragement, rather than criticism, but I know that's never going to happen. So hi internet!
|
self.depression
|
Time to kick the meds for a bit?? I want to stop taking my medication (primarily lamictal).
I want to my motivation back. My feelings, it feels impossible to have an angry outburst now and I know that is not healthy. I feel so dumb but is it because of just smoking weed? I feel like THC/CBD stabilizes my moods in a much better way. No matter what happens in the day or morning, I feel ungodly restless until I smoke.
I know it is entirely my fault for being like this, a NEET, but I don't know why I find it so damn hard now. Essential tasks feel so hard to do and I've felt dissociated for so long, but I also feel like it might really the blurriness from Lamictal + poor eyesight. I feel like what is up with me is more than BP-II or anxiety. I genuinely feel that I may have aspergers or something.
I don't know. Really, I want to go back to myself, a nice shy person who at least has a wave of motivation to chase my dreams. I want MOTIVATION and the ability TO DO.
I dream of being an artist but now I feel such little emotion to express and really I don't care I just want to be able to MAKE STUFF. ALSO I REALLY hate feeling obligated to meet with some person once a month to get these things that I essentially NEEED.
|
self.bipolar
|
Separation Anxiety with Boyfriend We've been dating for a few months and im starting to get anxiety when he leaves my house. For example, he left last night after sleeping with me for an hour or two and when I rolled over and found he wasn't there I started to have anxiety. I couldn't sleep and I kept smelling the pillow he laid on. When he's gone I get restless and irritated. Does anyone have the same problems?? I've tried looking up posts, but it's quite a rare topic. I also start to whine and get overwhelmed to the point of tears. I'm very confused about what to do, if anyone has advice or just similar problems, please tell!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Starting all over again My life has just taken a turn that was completely unexpected. I was dating a girl who’s not taking depression medicine found out her cancer came back and started drinking heavily. This led to me going to jail because I prevented her from trying to kill herself. A week prior she went to the police with a scratch on her face and said that I close fist punch her.I’ve only cared about this girl tried to help her keep a roof over her head and help her with her bills and then this happens. I am currently homeless staying in a motel because the state put a temporary protective order on me even though my case was dropped due to her lying on video and on the police report as well as to the investigator. There’s a lot more to my story but this has to be the worst case of red flags I did not run from. I’m just sad and alone right now and tomorrow is Christmas. Super confused and I have no friends here in Colorado.
|
self.depression
|
My anxiety is preventing me from talking to my folks, but my depression is getting worse from my job So a little context. I grew up In a home where my father was... unstable at times. Wouldn't hit my mother ever but would go into sessions of rage or sadness or depression. It forced me early to be good with hiding emotions and things from them both that could upset my father. He's doing much better now but growing up like that was... rough.
Fast forward to now I can manage most situations, even very stressful ones, but my anxiety has been kicking in because I hate the job I'm at currently, and I want to take a risk and do something I love (start a business), knowing i have that college degree in my back pocket. But for months now I can't even talk to my mother (Let alone my father) about how I feel. My worst fear is they just reject me and tell me that I'm luck I have a job (which pays and treats me like shit).
I guess I just need help. I don't know what to do and I'm afraid if I keep going at my job without knowing I'd be leaving soon I might say or do something that I would regret.
Thank you.
|
self.Anxiety
|
OCD is killing me every single day i wake up I go to the WC i spent like one hour and every time i have to go to the Wc i spent another hour cleaning my hand repetitively until i feel so f-ing exhausted , that I feel like i'm losing my sanity , I've been doing this for like 2 years and i will probably won't be able to stop , now how i'm suppose to live with that ?I feel like suicide is the only relief or solution I have.
Because there is no cure for OCD and yeah I've tried therapy I got OCD when i was 8 now I'm 17 plus I got anxiety disorder and I'm living in one of the worst counties in the world , I'm a dropout cuz I always get late for school cuz of the compulsive behavior so now what ?any one who have dealt with ocd knows a tip or something idk i'm helpless
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
anxiety about moving out for the time I'm 24 and moving out of my parents house for the first time. I've never moved once in my life so this is a huge change for me. My anxiety started about three weeks ago when I had my first ever panic attack. I was at work and freaking out because I've never experienced something like this before. I started hyperventilating and I felt pins and needles throughout my entire body. I thought I was having a heart attack or something (I didn't know). So I left work and went to Urgent Care where they told me it was a panic attack and I'm physically fine. But something was wrong, I was now in a constant state of anxiety which felt like it would never end. The terrible headaches and neck tension, loss of appetite(I lost 25 lbs in 2 weeks), that constant feel of nervousness and overthinking. I would start to feel fine, and then think to myself "hey I'm fine now", but then just thinking that would bring the anxiety back. It was a living hell, I never would have thought I would be the one affected by anxiety like this .
I thought to myself will this ever end. I scheduled a doctors appointment because I honestly didn't know what else to do. My doctor recommended me to see a psychiatrist the same day. I spoke with her and it was very reassuring to hear from a health professional that I will be ok and the anxiety will go away with time. I started eating again and sure enough I started to feel back to normal for a couple days. Then I decided to smoke some weed, which I have been taking a break from (BAD IDEA). I felt the anxiety hit me like a train as soon as I got high! All the weed did was amplify my feelings x10. I was sitting in my living room for almost 5 hours on the phone with my GF as she was trying to calm me down. After reading some really good threads about anxiety from weed on reddit I finally started to calm again. My move in date was getting closer and suddenly the anxiety started back up again but it was less severe than before. I keep telling myself after I finally sign the lease and move in everything will go back to normal, but I don't know if it will.
Today is my move in date and I felt so sick to my stomach this morning I called out sick for work. The last thing I wanted is for the anxiety to interfere with my work, because I need this job now that I move out on my own. I just don't know what to do anymore. My doctor told me if it didn't get better I should go back and they might start me on medication, but I really don't want it to come down to that. I feel as though I'm losing myself.
I used to be a fun, talkative, happy person who loved going out with friends, but after my panic attack I've turned into the complete opposite person and it scares me to think I might be like this the rest of my life. I just want some reassurance that I will get through this and my life can go back to normal. Anybody with similar experience to mine, what did you do to help get over your anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
My gf broke up, feeling hopeless Hi, never used reddit before, its my first time, im 20 years old and i suffer from depression since 15, i think im a bit ugly, but still able to find a beautiful girlfriend, we were togheter for 9 months, never had a big fight, but yesterday she broke up, i dont know what to do, she was everything to me, i cant handle this feeling... please help...
English is not my first language
|
self.depression
|
Physical/verbal tics? Hello friends!
Since I was a kid I've had certain verbal and physical tics when I'm in a manic or depressed state, particularly with negative self talk. But as a kid I ground my teeth, which apparently I still do as an adult per my dentist, I'll compulsively verbally say certain negative self-talk, when I was younger I got it in my head that if I...jittered my eyes I would be able to erase negative thoughts so I developed that, as an adult I bounce my leg all the time,... I've never thought anything of it until my diagnosis, and I feel like this is an underlooked aspect of bipolar that doesn't get a lot of attention.
[Per this case study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4293171/), there appears to be a link between individuals with Tourettes and mood disorders. I started looking into this because I was watching a documentary on Tourettes yesterday, and I was like..."I've been doing things like that basically all my life." It's never been to the degree of full-blown Tourettes, and my tics are not as ever-present as they are in Tourettes, but they're definitely there.
What's it like for you?
|
self.bipolar
|
What is gonna make me feel better? I’m 18 and halfway through senior year. Friday was the end of the semester and I got all of my work done and I thought I would feel relieved. I still don’t feel this way, if anything I feel much worse. I have an ok amount of friends but I still feel incredibly lonely I guess it’s because I don’t have like one person I’m super close with. I’m scared of getting a girlfriend I think because I don’t want to end up pushing them away or realizing that it won’t actually help me feel better. I don’t think anyone knows about how fucked up im feeling but I don’t know who to talk to or how.
|
self.depression
|
help pls im undiagnosed, post here rarely and feel guilty about it from time to time. and i wonder if anyone feels very distorted emotions/thoughts?
also do you obsess heavily over things when feeling up?
i am not looking for a diagnosis but i want to figure out what is wrong with me, and i want to be able to discuss this with my therapist. tried killing myself a week ago and im recovering, but few days after i felt fucking great and was enjoying music again, laughing hysterically at random shit etc. now i feel like shit and im scared.
i just can’t seem to find the words im looking for with my therapist when talking about this and it gets very surface level.
sorry that this post is a mess hope you can respond to some of the questions.
|
self.bipolar
|
Really getting tired of being alive I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I feel guilty about feeling this way because I really havent had any true hardships in life. Im just weak, lazy and am a coward. Nothing necessarily has pushed me to this point but I just feel tired of living. I dont look forward to anything in life truly. I have a wife and i question if i really love hrr or not. I feel like i just got pushed into everything not really fighting it because i dont care. I dont care about anything in life. The clock is just ticking until I die so I might as well try to make it as easy as possible for me until that day. I would be ok just sleeping in an empty room for years until i just die. Id be ok with whatever i just dont care. I dont ask of anything for my wife but when she gets mad at me im just ready to die. To me life isnt worth all this headache and trouble. Im just here to kill time until I die, so if youre gonna give me trouble im just gonna cut to the chase and kill myself. I honestly feel ridiculous typing this out but this is how I feel. Emotionless. If I had a gun in my apartment I legitimately would have killed myself already. I wisb there was an easy way to just fall asleep and never wake up because that would be heaven to me. I am tired of everything and there is nothing in life I truly want.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Mind over matter I mind but my live don't matter....
|
self.depression
|
Need help (advice) desperately I first started taking antidepressants like 3 years ago, but on very short periods, rarely. Than I wasn't taking for some time and everything was ok (note, while I made pauses previously I had those withdrawal effects for like a day or two).
So one year ago I started actively taking antidepressants everyday and increasing dosage. But they never help, they only make me more numb. I told my therapist that I want to stop them, and he told me to cut them in a few days, little by little. But ever since then (~3 months) I've had ultra bad withdrawal symptoms: weird brain zaps, headache, nausea, diarrhea etc. The headache (plus a feeling of weakness, constant sleepyness, and feeling like something is eating my brain - the headache) is the most painful, and the thing is that it's constant, 24/7. At this point I just want to know that it would stop, ever, in few weeks the most preferably. I really don't have time for this, I have other issues (obviously, that's why I started taking meds), plus I'm currently at college.
Before writing this I searched this sub for "withdrawal" and that exactly what I have. I just want to know estimation, (considering I took high dosage for months), and whether I should start taking some dosage again and then cut it little by little and in the end completely.
Really, the doctors are fags, they all tell me antidepressants are 0% addictive and they don't affect the brain, when obviously it's not true (I mean, I've experienced it myself, how can someone even try to deceive me...). And by the way my parents are 0% supportive, my mother tells me that withdrawal crisis from any substance last few days max and that I make this up inside my head (thus, running away from the issue), and my father keeps telling me that I shouldn't have started taking them at all (thus, also running away from the issue). My mother tells me that I should still take them. Both my parents made me take them in the past...
|
self.depression
|
Vitamin D(aylight) - Depression & Vitamin D Deficiency: Is There A Connection? Link to article: [Depression & Vitamin D Deficiency: Is There A Connection?](https://medium.com/@melvin.sanicas/depression-vitamin-d-deficiency-is-there-a-connection-1d2fefb45da2)
> **Studies show that there is a link between vitamin D and depression. However, we do not know exactly what that link is. It has also not been established whether low levels of vitamin D cause depression, or whether depression causes low levels of vitamin D. We are not certain whether taking a vitamin D supplement, or getting more vitamin D by exposing the skin to the sun, will help to prevent or ease the symptoms of depression in some people.**
Sounds like they don't know much of anything about the connection yet.
My doctor was so sure I was deficient she prescribed a vitamin D supplement for me to start taking right after my blood draw. I just received my blood work test results and she was correct - I am deficient in Vitamin D.
Vitamin D **normal values: 30.0 - 100.0 ng/mL**
Vitamin D **insufficiency: 21.0 - 29.0 ng/mL**
Vitamin D **deficiency: below 20.0 ng/mL**
Vitamin D **elizAlone: 10.4 ng/mL**
Guess that happens when you are homebody introvert post daylight saving time. I am planning to try to spend more time outdoors in daylight as well.
|
self.depression
|
You know that feeling where you don’t want to die but you don’t want to exist? Currently feeling that way. I can’t afford a lawyer for my custody battle so I will probably lose. So yet again in life I lose. I’ve never won anything in my life and I’ve continually been used and abuse. I don’t want to be here anymore. I think it’s time to hang myself ✌🏼
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Today I Switched To Nicotine Gum And Lasted All Day I honestly can barely believe it as I type this. It’s almost surreal. I’ve tried to quit quite a few times before and they’ve all ended terribly. One time in particular I will never forget. I got manic, and immediately became determined to quit. I threw everything out. After about 22 hours, I was FREAKING out! I scoured through the back porch for forever and found half a smoke leftover. As I smoked it I literally burst into tears bc I was so incredibly happy.
I got my first pack at 17 and smoked one cigarette everyday for 20 days. Immediately, after that first pack, I jumped up to half a pack a day. This lasted for about 3 months until I gradually progressed to a pack a day.
Fast forward to 20 y/o me. 2 packs a day already. I’m spending way too much money. My solution? Load my own cigarettes. I had worked out the math, and I was spending ~$0.008 per cig. Yes not even a whole cent per smoke. At the time I was pretty proud of myself tbh. I was saving serious money (more money for manic purchases! Jk).
I’m 21 now. Last July in 2017, I got a vape. I was tired of how much I was smoking, which was now equivalent to 3 packs a day. I got one of those big-ass vapes, and the highest nicotine content juice I my throat could tolerate (12mg juice, Tesla 160W TC, Big Baby Beast). I slowly lowered my nicotine content for this last half year. I was at 4mg/ml juice yesterday.
Today is the first day that I haven’t vaped. Like at all. It’s insane. Just the 4mg nicotine gum. I don’t want to come across as bragging, but tbh I’m really proud of myself. This has been so fucking hard for me. Trying to quit before made my bipolar symptoms so much more intense/terrible.
Idk, just wanted to put this out there.
Much Love,
Riot
Edit:Grammar
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self.bipolar
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I just want to feel like somebody wants me around. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Incredibly tired still on abilify 2 weeks in, should I keep going. I cant function. Have no idea what to do, im bp type 2 im pretty sure and I'm looking for depression relief.
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self.bipolar
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No one in my life understands depression If I try to talk about how I feel, they blow me off and tell me I have no reason to be depressed. No one in real life understands me and that's why I'm here
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self.SuicideWatch
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My dad almost killed himself. What do I do? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My new job is giving me lots of anxiety. I don't know if it's just cause its a new job. But it's hard to get mtself to go everyday. And it's hard for me not to call in and shit. I really just want to quit.
Idk I have a panic attack wvery time I go in. I don't know what to do. I'm at a big loss right now. I feel really just weak and mentally trashed right now.
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self.Anxiety
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My friend keeps telling people im suicidal Okay, so not really 'people' just her mom and step dad.
I don't know how much background I should include. I've been suicidal a lot throughout the years and I don't blame anyone for it. My friend keeps asking if it's her fault and I've told her everytime it isn't anyone's fault.
She was talking with her step dad first, she had just gotten home from the first semester of college so they were catching up. He was asking about her friends and any drama, so she brought me up and how I was suicidal and she felt like she couldn't help. From what she told me it sounded like she may have told him that I said she made me feel suicidal. Which isn't true, yes we've had fights and drama and that had weighed into my suicidal thoughts but they were already there to begin with.
This upset me because I've met her family quite a few times and I really like them. Now they know I'm depressed, suicidal, and they believe I'm blaming their daughter for it.
She just messaged me telling me she was talking with her mom about it. For whatever reason her mom is now mad at me for being upset with my friend. Even though I've told her we're good many times.
I don't know how much of this made sense, I just wanted to vent a bit. I've been really down and suicidal lately so I've been trying to be more open about it with friends and family, but I don't know how well that's going for me.
TL;DR my friend is telling her parents I'm suicidal and that I'm blaming her for it. Now they're all kinda looking down on me for it.
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self.depression
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Bad anxiety and derealization during and after exercise Hi everyone, i am posting this hoping someone can relate and maybe help me with a problem I am having.
I used to do a lot of weightlifting until about 2 years ago when I started having panic attacks. Since those panic attacks anytime I tried weightlifting I started getting panic attacks and very bad derealization followed by difficulty at coordinating myself for the following hours after a workout.
As my panic attacks and my anxiety got better I used to slowly being able to weightlift more and more.
Nowadays my anxiety is very low and my panic attacks are gone... The problem is that almost every single time I do workout or do cardio, I still get derealization but most of all my chest tightens, my head becomes pressured and I get a sort of mental confusion (like a cloud around my head) and shortness of breath for the following 1-2 hours, so I am unable to lift like I used to be and I have to do easy workouts (note that I am not out of shape I do about 45 mins of cardio every day or every other day)
Can any of you relate ? I scheduled a visit to the GP next week to talk about this since I no longer have anxiety but I still get this and I am starting to think it may be related to an health condition. I had 2 ecg and an echocardiogram about 10 months ago that ruled out possible heart problems, I am thinking about exercise induced asthma (since I suffered from asthma when I was a kid).
This causes me several distress because it happens 4 times out of 5 times I workout and I love exercising a lot.
I have been exercising for the past year like that (4 times a week and it feels like hell) every time it''s the same my head becomes foggy, my concentration goes away, I become confused
I start being uncordinated , difficulty breathing, tightness in chest and around the head and some headache (note that most of them are symptoms that I used to have everyday when my anxiety was at his highs)
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self.Anxiety
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Why are we being muted? How can anyone stand up in what they believe in, if we’re constantly being told to sit down
Who has time to go out and protest and let their voices be heard when SO many people are required to live a life they’ve been forced into. No 2 people live under the same circumstances, and that allows those in control to use a handful of techniques to display control over the masses. How can every opinion be heard? how can we stop being bought out? When does enough become enough? If we all go out and protest our economy crumbles and only we suffer. If we continue down this path our economy crumbles, and only we suffer. If we argue for what we believe in, by going out and protesting to those in charge, were chastised as aggressive and disrespectful. Too many fall for the ease of influence because they’ve been beaten and battered to a point of normality. They think that this is the way of the world and refuse to open their eyes to its truth.
Other countries have their faults, but non to the scale of the “American Syndrome”. American first makes no sense, and putting ones self first before others doesn’t allow for a forward moving world. If we all wanted to put our own interest ahead of others we’d all be stuck in a stale mate.
Trump isn’t the beginning or the end of this sort of era, however, he has only opened our eyes to how easy it is for money to buy power, and keep the powerless at bay. There is no way for average people working 5-6 days a week, 6-12 hours a day, to go out and let their voice and opinion be heard. They’ve got bills, debt, and mouths to feed. How are they supposed to be heard? Who will listen? Why do those who promise to listen continue to sudden become deaf the moment they’re elected into office.
Not all officials, but the ones that are plainly obvious.
How do we change the mindset of those who’s values are drastically changing the outcome of the millions that are not associated with them?
When does this end and when are people ACTUALLY going to be treated as equals?
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self.offmychest
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I feel so fucking lonely I’m 20 studying in university this year has sucked so much for many reasons I have no friends and lately I’ve been struggling to open up and talk to people i isolate myself and i feel angry at myself I don’t how to even approach people anymore. Every time I make friends they always end up stepping over me and taking advantage. I have no one the only good thing in my life is my dog honestly and that dog has more social skills than I do my self esteem is on the floor.
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self.depression
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An amazing opportunity tomorrow.. and i'm so nervous. can someone please hear me out. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I need a friend. All I need to do is survive till July. I don't think it's going to happen. Fuck this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What does it feel like? No one understands that it literally feels like you have the worst hangover. It feels like you’re sinking into a cold sloppy wet mattress and you feel dirty bc you’ve been fermenting in a bed of pacing thoughts and a dead body. Incarcerated in my own head. I’ve gotten 3 hours of sleep the past two days. I don’t even know what to call this.
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self.bipolar
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Should I reach out? I could really use some advice. I don't know if this is the right place for my post, and I'm really sorry if I'm doing anything wrong.
I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember, but lately, I’m really feeling the need to just vent to someone and I have this teaching assistant that’s really great, I met him a while ago and since I show up at his office hours regularly I’ve grown quite fond of him. Always cracks jokes during class and tries to make it more fun for us. He always tries his best to help me too, even tho I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. He is a genuinely sweet guy.
I guess judging by the way I act at his office hours – always giving up easily and wanting to go home, he concluded that I’m a pessimist and that I hate my guts. He knows I have problems although he doesn't really know to what extent. Even though we’re not that close, he’s the only person I trust at the moment and the only one I feel like I can talk to. Finals are next week, so should I ask if I can talk to him after that when he won’t be in charge of my grade anymore? I don’t want him thinking I’m here just to kiss his ass. If I do tell him about my depression and suicidal tendencies, can he report me? I absolutely cannot have my parents finding out. I don’t want to put him in an awkward position either, so is this a good idea? If so, how do I start, what do I say? Should I wait? I guess if everything goes wrong it’ll be ok because I plan on killing myself soon anyway.
I cannot approach my parents nor my friends for numerous reasons, and also cannot have them find out about how I am feeling under any circumstances. I absolutely cannot stand therapists so they’re also out of the question. Thank you guys in advance.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Bipolar Mania Fallout - Hooray! Please Help Sorry, potential mania trigger: Welp, I should have known I wouldn’t get out scotch free. i suffered the worst manic episode of my life this year- from maybe March until August. As part of this episode, I️ became severely delusional, and believed I️ had a serious physical illness. i told my family family, friends, whole heartedly believed it myself, and of course my job. i received a lot of support. i went home for a visit, where i was interventions by my brother and admitted to the Psych ED. i hadn’t been taking meds for almost a year.
As soon as I was stable on meds, I️ balanced out. i realized the harm I had done, though I didn’t totally remember all the details. The big issue was: what do I do about work? i was afraid disclosing the delusions and my real illness would put my job in danger. My care team and I decided to not continue communicating untruths, but say I’m being treated for my condition and need to be home and work remotely. Which my job accepted.
i took time off, which was in my PTO bank. I had engaged in a sexual relationship with my PM, and he harassed me. i had made unauthorized purchases on my corporate credit card. i has said I couldn’t explain them, and if it couldn’t be cleared up I’d be happy to pay out of my paycheck.
A few weeks ago I resigned. i cited the need to focus on my health, and the situation with my PM which had come to light. They wished me well, I signed a release letter.
Happily an old job at home took me back, and I’m thrilled! This dip was in my past. Except not, just kidding. i received a letter from my employer: they want info on the charges, questioned my reasons for leaving, wanted doctors notes that explained my sick days. They somehow knew about my new job. They’re threatening legal action :(
I’m so stressed - any advice on what to do? I️ really appreciate it and need some support. i want to take responsibility where it’s warranted, but I’m upset at the tone they are taking.
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self.bipolar
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I couldn't go to college, don't think i ever will because of bipolar. How do i deal with the shame? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I feel like I can't do anything but fail Everything I try to do and that I care about seems to always end in failure. Whether it's trying to talk to people and combat crippling social anxiety, study, not procrastinate, I feel like I can't do anything to create success and to change bad life habits. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to work.
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self.depression
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Some of my thoughts on various subjects. Opinions would be appreciated. Formatting may be shit, this is my first *real* post on Reddit, and I'm not bothering to test the formatting rigorously before posting. Fuck it.
So, I have a thing (.txt file) wherein I write opinions and such if they come to me at a convenient time -- which has been three times, as it turns out. I though I would post the three entries I've written, since maybe people will read it and subsequently tell me if I'm being a dumbass or not. There's some vulgar language, and some very roundabout sentences with very little point, but I've tried to keep everything in because otherwise I would be lying, and what's the point in that?
I appologize if I sound pretentious, snowflake-y, or otherwise. On with the show.
**Thoughts on romance, feelings, the future, and self-worth**
I, in general, don't feel very happy; can I say I'm depressed? Probably not, no. I wouldn't want to, either, since I feel it would be a disgrace to those who have been properly diagnosed. All I've done is take the occasional online test when I feel at my worst.
Depressed people typically talk about an empty feeling, or something similar to that. I don't think I've ever felt that; similarly, those with depression talk about being dull to emotions, which I don't think applies to me in the sense that I've always been kind of adverse to feeling.
I find that my emotions go up and down, in an almost sine-wave form. This would be something more like bipolar disorder, but then that typically requires that the periods of time where I feel manic/depressed are relatively long, or that I feel manic at all. I can go from feeling perfectly okay, to feeling like I want to fucking die in approximately 15 seconds, and it might stay that way for hours but never longer than that. So it's not bipolar disorder.
Depression gets ruled out again, as those who are depressed typically report always feeling like shit -- and I don't.
I feel perfectly fine _most_ of the time, such as at school or with friends -- very rarely do I feel properly shit in these situations -- while as soon as I am put in a situation where I am alone, the bad feelings return. This typically results in very long nights of just staring at the ceiling wanting to die because I feel pointless. Other descriptors are available -- hopeless, useless, etc.
Of course, it could just be hormones doing their thing.
I look at /r/depression sometimes -- to see whether there's anyone who feels the way I do. Some complain about not having a girlfriend (inb4 mfw no gf), some complain that their lives are shit nonetheless. Those who complain about not having a girlfriend typically complain about being rejected by the one they like, or in general just unreciprocated love. I am in a relatively strange situation, I suppose, as I complain about not having a girlfriend but I also do not like anyone. I've never had an actual crush, nor love interest. There was a point when I thought I had a crush, but honestly I think I just went along with what I was supposed to do at my age.
Now, of course there are plenty of girls I know that I would -- for lack of a better term -- like to fuck. Sexual attraction is not so much a problem, but I've never felt romantic love for someone, nor do I think anyone has felt romantic attraction towards me. These facts hurt me more than I feel they should, seeing as I put up a front of complete uncaring. I suppose that isn't so strange -- there are, in fact, very few things I care about -- but I think
people like to judge me as an uncaring person, and then leave it at that; I don't exactly make it any easier for them to not do that, though. It's not like I have any form of social interaction.
When I think of the future, I have great difficulty seeing myself in any other situation than complete loneliness.
I mean, after I finish the (Generic School Program^TM), I doubt I'll be seeing most of my current friends ever again.
On top of that, I don't think I can get new ones, so I see myself at 30, sitting in an empty, dark room contemplating suicide for 8 hours/day.
Exactly *how* things will change I don't know, and honestly, I don't think they will. I think, however, that it would be a waste of life to just end it here, when I've only just turned 17 about a month and a half ago, and I should wait until there is some certainty that things aren't going to work out.
I guess in reality, all I'm looking for is some meaning stemming from others. Since nothing has any inherent meaning, to assign meaning to actions you require the help of others. As such, whenever I make or do something, I would want feedback on it; some determination of its worth to tell me if I've wasted my time or not. To tell me if I'm making some kind of useful contribution to this world, no matter how small.
Simple, right?
**Further thoughts on the possibility of a relationship -- or lack of one**
What I've learnt by reading things on the internet is that if you speculate that you will never have a romantic partner, people will always respond by saying that you will eventually meet someone who likes you. I wonder if this is really true -- I mean, sure, statistically this is probably true for the overall population, but I'm not exactly part of the general population. I don't mean that in a "oh, I'm special" kind of way, but rather in a bad way.
I mean, I'm fat, at most average looking, weak and I have relatively uncommon hobbies (mathematics, primarily). This means that finding someone who will be quite happy to hear me ramble on about some complex analysis bullshit is rather unlikely. Most people don't want to sit and talk about mathematics for hours on end (of course, the discussion on why people dislike mathematics so much is far too long to fit in this little entry), and I am quite annoyed by people who fake interest or joy. It just makes me feel bad -- I'm both boring the person, and I'm learning that my efforts to talk were completely pointless. This means I can sometimes be somewhat demanding regarding the reasoning for liking something I've done, as I simply don't trust that you do.
A second reason I will likely not find a romantic partner is of course that you need to meet people for that to happen; I'm incredibly anti-social, as you may know. On top of that, a third reason is that if I somehow *do* find someone, maintaining a relationship isn't exactly trivial. I'm not sure I am even capable of it. First of all, you need to interact with the person on a regular interval -- which would be a problem for me. Second of all, since
relationships are a two way street, it is quite easy to be emotionally dependent on the person and that can be quite mentally draining I would imagine, which decreases the chance of the relationship staying a relationship.
I feel stupid for even existing.
**Thoughts on social paranoia(?) and friendships**
Perhaps social paranoia isn't the right term. Perhaps it's just pessimism, cynisism, or any other such -ism. Point is that I tend to feel sort of paranoid about people's opinion of me. In an unhealthy way, that is.
I've found that I'm fully incapable of trusting what people tell me. When people tell me things, I tend to mentally tell myself that the person is just going along with the flow of the conversation to get it over with. For example, if I ask someone if I'm an overall good person, and the person says "yes", I will not believe them. I just won't be able to, because it feels more likely to me that they would be saying the easiest thing just to get the conversation over with as quickly as possible. So I feel paranoid and kind of shit because of this. The concept reminds me a bit
of a Kafka trap. The more you assure me of what your point is, the less I believe you. A particularly annoying part about this is that it contributes to my need for acknowledgement by my peers, and as such is part of the reason I might repeatedly ask the same question to one person, which can be quite annoying I would imagine. Then the problem is that I can't really ask something -- going back to the previous example -- like
"are you sure you're not just saying that to end the conversation topic as fast as possible?" because the person would likely -- and rightfully -- assume that I'm making undue assumptions about them.
A consequence of this paranoid behavior is, for example, that while I believe myself to have close friends, I assume
that I am no one's close friend.
An example of this behavior happening just today is that my friend, who I will refer to as A, asked -- on the behalf of "a group of 10-12 people" -- whether I liked a girl whom I occasionally talk to at school -- one who most people, as I found out, find annoying. Now, the answer was of course "no". As mentioned in at least one previous entry, I've never felt any romantic emotions -- which is a source of great stress for me. After I replied, a couple of things were on my mind:
* Why do I not find this girl particularly annoying while most others find her *extremely* annoying?
* Is there anything wrong with my perception of people?
* Why did people assume I liked this girl because I talk to her, when I practically talk to everyone?
* Since A replied "Alrite", does that mean he believes me, or does it mean he's just saying that to end the somewhat uncomfortable topic?
As you can see, I demonstrated this pessimistic, paranoid behavior in a situation where it really shouldn't be that difficult to determine the truth. I mean, A is one of my closest friends, so logically he shouldn't lie to me. However, once again this leads back to my behavior: while he is one of my closest friends, I have no evidence that he even enjoys my company. He might just be lying to me to avoid hurting my feelings unduly, since -- from my perspective -- we've been friends for quite the while.
One of the worst things about this is that my brain tells me that perhaps everyone experiences this on a regular basis, and I'm the only one complaining and having my life be affected by it, which makes me feel like a massive piece of shit.
On a semi-related note: I have no idea why anyone is friends with me. I'm a fuckin' asshole and I complain about things. I'm probably at least annoying.
So, why are people friends with me? My brain says they're not, and that they're just lying to me in a rather well planned attempt at fuckin' with me.
I feel fuckin' trapped. At least I still have a sense of humour.
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self.depression
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"Life has no meaning the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal." This quote fucked me up. I have been constantly struggling to find meaning in my life and then I come across this quote and it absolutely drains me. It is validation for my worries and pain. I just want this to be over.
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self.depression
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Experience with dysphoria? I met with my new therapist the first time today and she mentioned depressive dysphoria. I understand it’s just a state, but she referred to that as the moods I described when I’m depressed I almost feel apathetic. Anyone experience this dysphoria?
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self.bipolar
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I hate my life !!!! I'm 20 years old and I live in Israel but I don't like it here at all , I live with my mom and six siblings and they always fight , every morning they gotta fight it's a a curse .
I thought I got used to fights in my family cause they been fighting ever since they were kids , it started as a fight between my parents after my dad secretly married a woman ten years ago , my mom asked for a divorce and they been in courts ever since . As a kid I didn't knew what to do but to cry but as I got older i thought I can fix a lot of stuff but I stopped giving a fuck even if they killed each other , because of those problems I was always ashamed to take any friends and bieng alone is all what I want and it was just fine , two years ago I went to college to study English and damn I was so nervous , firstly I used to mumble all the time and just keep sitting in the back and never participated in any kind of group work , I'm the second semester I had a lot of free time , but I didn't know what to do. No friends nothing interesting to do , I was all alone in while seeing the others having fun with their friends , I never had a girlfriend or a friend and in college I realized that , it made me feel worthless piece of crap . I didn't want to go back to college but my mom whom I hate so much was pushing me so I had to go . I felt 10 times worst than I felt before I just needed someone to talk to but there is non . My summer vacation after was even worst than what I had in college , I spent 3 months at home without going out even once , people around were traveling abroad and I wasn't able to explore my fuckin country , I spent those three months with no job , completely broke and no one even from my family asked if I was alive or dead , in the first of October I had a message saying that I failed in four courses and I should start as a freshman, I couldn't believe it , I don't want to spend anymore time in that college or in any other college , like two hours later my mom came into my room she yelled at me telling me you're a loser worthless failing kid who will be like his father then she spit in my face and left . College start for two weeks now and I just don't want to stay here no only in this college but Israel .
I been looking for a job but hey who would hire a short 20years old ugly kid .
I feel like I'm over
Just asking for death also for my family
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't relive the torture anymore [NSFW] This is going to be long. Sorry. I am struggling so much right now. I don't have anything or anyone, and am invisible to my friends and my peers. I am in unspeakable pain which no one sees. No one wants to see it, no one could handle seeing it, and no one will try to see it. If you're reading this, you must have super-vision, because these are the invisible words of an invisible human.
I am a survivor of child torture, child sex trafficking, multiple attempted murders, and severe abuse/neglect. I pulled myself up out of it as soon as I was old enough to leave, and somehow I've become a 'success'. I'm high-functioning – I have achieved a lot since getting free, and can put on a face to stave off causing people alarm.
I just can no longer keep going. There are no resources for me. There is no one who can relate to me. Therapists don't know how to handle someone with my trauma history. There is no one who cares. I'm the wrong demographic for torture survivors, so hell, there isn't even a listicle or a nice supportive website to help me learn about my trauma. I think all of the time how much I wish one of those attempted murders had been successful: I'd not be in pain. I wouldn't exist. I don't want to exist.
I have attempted suicide so many times. I've lost count. All were serious attempts. Each time I get a bit better at how to do it. Most of the time, I get tired and sleepy (attempting suicide is traumatic, and one symptom of dissociation is sleepiness), and that exhaustion has thwarted my suicide attempts multiple times.
If you've not survived extreme trauma or torture, you have no idea what kind of pain and loneliness lies in its aftermath. I need to detail the ways. I need to be heard to the 'internet'. After all, no friends or family can/will hear. Torture hurts you physically, obviously. But its one thing to live through it -- after your torturers have left, there is more torture your own body will inflict on you. First, the scars. The reminders. 'Hey, they tried to kill you here'. 'Hey, they tried to make you scream here'. 'Hey, you were so helpless here.' Then, in sex trafficking, there are the diseases your therapist urges you to get tested for. Only you can't work up the nerve to go to the doctor because you are so afraid of being assaulted again. Then, you finally get brave, only you have to go alone. A nurse you don't know holds your hand. Agonizing days of waiting for results. I got lucky: my traffickers wanted a clean product, so I don't have any diseases. But you can't tell your average friends and colleagues, 'Hey, I was raped many hundreds of times by people I never met, and look, I don't have HIV.'
Torture injures your mind. My god it destroys your mind. It goes beyond normal PTSD. PTSD from torture brings you close to psychosis, or so my therapist tells me. The hallucinations, the somatic re-experiencing, the nightmares -- those are so much worse. Anything sets me off: some guy who reminds me of a 'client' in my class, someone slams a door, someone raises their hands, someone's nose flares. Hyper-sensitive to any kind of anger, I am afraid of body language. Alongside the flashbacks are the emotions that happened when you were being tortured, out of place, with no context.
Torture destroys your health. Most days I am not in my body enough to feel it. You can't afford to feel your body in torture - what no one tells you is that you don't always get the feeling back. It destroys your ability to connect with people: you project your torturers' intentions onto everyone. Your good friend might rape you at any minute. Your boss might hit you. What someone pulls out of their pocket might be the stun-gun that they used on you. One flash of irritation and your life is threatened. There's the pistol in front of your face -- when the motorcycle drives by and it makes that 'pop' sound that the pistol makes when they fire an empty round at your eyes. One ignored message, and you're back alone in that dark locked room, unable to eat, sleep, use the restroom, cry, speak, scream, or anything else - if you do, they'd kill you. I wasn't even ten years old - this has become my identity.
Torture makes you alone. No one you know can relate to you. Just telling your story makes people need therapy. You are a walking mental infection -- torture is all you know because you were so young when it happened, that WHO you are is a crazy-making machine. 'Just be yourself'. If I were myself, I'd drive people insane. I am not myself and I already push everyone away. People are 'well-intentioned,' but 'we can't talk right now; I can't deal with your pain. It is too much for me'. What can you say to that? You can't demand someone see your pain. No one should see that kind of pain.
I don't know what love feels like. I have never had someone in my life show me love, except for two people, and one of them died. I was so traumatized when they loved me that I couldn't feel it. Because I push people away, I doubt I will ever feel what it is like to be loved. I certainly don't feel safe enough to allow myself to feel emotions for myself.
So, all this to say, this is my reality. This is why I want to die. This is why I am fighting the impulse to go attempt it again for the n-th time by writing this piece of shit here, which no one will read. No one can tell me it will get better -- no one can know that.
The title of this post is 'I can't relive the torture anymore.' Last night I fell asleep to the image of the man who used to torture me seared into my brain. He'd come in and put the stun gun on my body and hold it there...over and over and over. I fell asleep to that nightmare last night. I have that flashback every night, and have had it for eight months now. I hallucinate the feeling of the shock in my body. I scream every night 'please, stop, I'm sorry, I'll be good, I won't do it again' only to see him smile and put the stun gun in another location. I imagine someone there comforting me.
I am so alone that I have to self-soothe to get through every night. I've learned to imagine someone there holding my hand while he rapes and shocks me. No one should have to live like this.
I want to die. I'm so tired. I'm so ready. I need to rest from this pain. I'm 'young' and have my whole life ahead of me, they say.
Fuck that. I've lived multiple lifetimes' worth of pain. I just want to stop existing.
I can't handle seeing his face one more night.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Life is pointless There is absolutely nothing to live for, especially to useless people like me who do nothing but leech from others. I just need to finally finish the job and everything will be fixed, after all, a corpse can't feel regret or sadness anymore. What is there for me to lose anymore. Besides more years of suffering and pain. It early doesn't get better after even 7 years I haven't gotten the slightest bit better. And I'm sure I will only be missed for like a week anyway
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self.SuicideWatch
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Moving On What shines tonight
Like every loveless night
Unspoken words like moonlight
Flood the paths we walk outside
Promises we made
Are left tussling in the waves
As our minds they mold and shape
And wander where our hearts won't brave
All the clouds that perch outside
Await to rain on all the lies that we can't hide
Babe if time is just a test
I think it's high time that we gave our left a rest
Cause one thing I know
To grow ya gotta first let go
So I'm moving on
What shines tonight
By madness or delight
Unwritten words like cryptic symbols
Bleeding like a fever dream
One thing I know
And babe if love is just a test
I hope it's high time that we gave our love a rest
And all the clouds that perch outside
Await to rain on all the lies that we can't hide
Babe if time is just a test
I think it's high time that we gave our love a rest
Cause one thing I know
To grow you gotta let love go
So now I'm moving on
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self.bipolar
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What thoughts go through the mind when it’s lost, alone and broken with no hope [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I made plans to have lunch with a new friend today and I’m terrified [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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The "New" Manic? I don't even know how to start this post but it's been on my mind for a few days.
I've had lots of manic periods in my life and always considered them my "normal". The depressive periods were just that, being severely depressed.
Since my diagnosis last year and stabilizing on my meds I've noticed that I still have the manic thoughts but I'm thinking before acting on the thoughts. Sometimes I rationalize the ideas and act on them, but other times I try to smoosh them down and think about something else.
Does anyone else have these issues? I miss being manic and the highs that went with it but I now realize how much and how many times I fucked up my life. Right now I'm not acting on the thoughts, but still having them. You?
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self.bipolar
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Tried this once before but it didn’t help. I posted a few days ago talking about how I wanted to end my life. And honestly it was a huge cry for help. I thought I would get the overwhelming support that I see many other people get on this subreddit. But tonight I’m going to put my gun to my head and kill myself. My pathetic self who had accomplished nothing and had amounted to nothing. I finally have the courage to blow my brains out a leave this shitty existence of world
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don’t think I can stomach saying goodbye to my girlfriend again. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I think the role that our parents should play in our life is ridiculously underrated as is their part of responsibility for their child's future Had this question just pop up in my head: who is mostly responsible for young people in their twenties not achieving anything and generally being a failure? Cause often times I hear responses like this: "you and only you are the captain of the ship that is your future". Sure, I get it, one must do everything in his power to evolve and improve life, but there is a critical remark to be made here. In a perfect world where all parents are perfect at upbringing their children - yes, it really is up to you how you build your future having had all the rules of life explained to you before you even start. However, IMO in real world lots of parents are not competent and qualified enough to give their children a full understanding of how life works so it fucks them up tremendously when time comes for them to start living independently. For example, my parents are not the dumbest people on Earth, at least it seems like it, but in terms of earning money and teaching me ways of doing it they are awful. My mom never had a decent job in her life, she mostly looking after house and dad used to work as a real estate agent until 2008 when the RE market collapsed. I'm 22, never had any job in my life, living with my parents and they act as this is an ok situation (I've never even had a talk with them on this topic). I appreciate the fact they haven't kicked me out yet but at the same time I feel frustrated cause I feel like it was their responsibility to help me finding a way to kickstart my independent life when they started noticing me not succeeding. I never opened up to them about anything that was going on in my life because I felt there was no real interest in helping me or they simply didn't know how to help which goes to show how good they performed as parents. I really hate to type this out cause I wanna be close to them although at the same time the feeling of being left on my own without any help never leaves me...
I know all this may come off as some immature rambling but whatever. It is what it is.
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self.depression
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I'm the type of person who likes to cry curled up in an empty bathtub. I cried for about an hour in the dry bathtub a little while ago. I just feel safer in them. Am I the only person who does this?
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self.depression
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I have no friends, chose the wrong career, and constantly think about killing myself [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Feels like my anxiety is really stopping me from an otherwise happy life I've always been anxious, but haven't really put the word to it until the past couple years. As a kid in high school my anxiety was productive (?) because it motivated me to not fail academically.
When I got to university it was a different situation. It became crippling sometimes, mostly making average tasks completely impossible. It was hard to get out of bed, go to class or work, study, do presentations, everything. I've always done well in school, it was my coping mechanism for ignoring things happening at home. But it was all falling a part in university and I felt like I had nothing.
Now I am working in research (in mental health lol) and I haven't been on meds in months. I know I am falling apart. My anxiety has made me miss amazing opportunities such as meeting collaborators or presenting at conferences. It's becoming debilitating. I am scared to send emails or make phone calls. Every tasks feels like there is a 10 foot cement wall infront of it. But other than that, if someone looked at me and my accomplishments they'd say I have done great things and have achieved a lot. But really I know I can do and be so much more. It's really hard when I procrastinate and avoid situations... and sometimes I'm afraid I'm just being lazy and it's not really my anxiety. It's really conflicting.
I really don't even know where I am going with this. I just feel frustrated with who I've become and I know I can do much better than this.
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self.Anxiety
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Hating myself and girlfriend's pregnancy For months.. maybe years I've kept to myself about how much I despise myself. The first thing I think about when I wake up is how much I can't bare to face the day. I walk to work the same way I always do, repeating the cycle and holding myself back from crossing the road at the wrong time. I spend my time at work doing as little as possible and waiting for the day to end. I'll get back home and won't have the motivation to cook, so I'll order something in and then feel guilty about having junk food again when I already hate that I'm overweight as it is. I'll try to distract myself with games, most of the time a couple of friends will try to get me to join them but I won't feel like talking and appear offline. It gets to the early hours of the morning and I'm exhausted enough to go to bed. Nightmares. I dream about my girlfriend cheating on me most nights and if not that then it's dreams of my ex, who I should have stopped thinking about years ago. Repeat the cycle.
The cycle changed recently, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant but she was on the injection so I didn't expect it. She wants it and I don't. I can't care for something else when I'm struggling to keep myself alive. I can't avoid it's existence either because then I lose her and she'll hate me. She'd always told me that if there was an 'accident' then we'd abort and things would be okay. That's changed now. It's around 9 weeks apparently, she says it has tiny organs and it's alive. I don't care. How am I supposed to care for something it's whole life if I don't care about in it's current tiny form? I can't handle this. I was struggling before and I'm struggling even more now. All of my friends are too far away and I'd be so ashamed to talk to any of them about this. I'm alone in the city and all I want is someone to hold me and tell me things are going to be okay. Please help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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the thought and story Oh my, what a beautiful day. I wake up to the down pouring rain, almost as if its prepared to save me some tears. I keep asking myself is it me going crazy, or just a down ward spiral im complicate to. Well first thing is first, I find the empty cig butts from the night before and crinkle the filters to get that very used tobacco to fill an additional empty filter. The factor of what I am doing should be disgusting enough, but I am not disgusted in the least. Routine clearly makes the impossible acceptable. The flame of my lighter is shot. This will not work either? I dig through my beautifully white vanity that my grandmother bought me when I was young, almost ironically because vanity is what I feel she liked most about me as a child. I dig through the 5 or 6 lighters that are all broken, and continuosly try to light one off the other for a simple, small, ignition. The flame, if I'm blessed enough to catch one, will only last a second, I quiackly engage and ignore the other thoughts till I can smoke. when the nictoine catches my breathe, my lungs, it seeps into my heart and soul. I promised myself I wouldnt start today this way, sitting inside a room within ear shot of others disgust, but I couldnt change anything other than giving up my life completely.
I didnt want to start this way, I mean, where would you? It could always start wonderful, where we talk about the best parts of our oh so short lives as it is, but then...how do you fully enjoy when good things happen? I am writing my story here without a reason. Maybe because the solitude of my thoughts on an empty slate gives me the opportunity to reprieve some sort of pride with a confession of sorts. I am not the woman that dives 7 stories to another oportunity, 7 stories because of course 7 is the lucky number. I am also not the woman who holds 3 different types of sharpness and decides which one would be the least painful. I am much more the woman who seeks to end things the way they started, that they either belong or dont. Most would say that is cowardess, but it is actually quite the opposite. When you came into this world you were not promised even life. Maybe a few moments, but not much else. If your really going to quit, do you want to do it unless your sure it is meant to be?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I Really Don't Like Who I've Become I was a high school valedictorian. I wasn't "Miss Popular," but I was talented in music and acting and made friends through those interests.
Regarding my looks, I'm no model, but I'm reasonably good-looking and I have a nice figure when it's not covered in fat like it is now. Thanks to binge eating disorder and depression, I've gained almost 100 pounds since 2011, the year I graduated high school.
I'm trying to stay positive and dedicated to losing the weight, but it's so fucking hard to not beat myself up for gaining it in the first place.
College was awful. The people were mostly elitist and fake, and the work was so hard that I barely had time to socialize anyway. I lost myself when I was there. The work was so hard that I had pretty much no time or ability to think about life after college. I contemplated suicide so much that I didn't even think I would be alive after college. I almost failed the whole thing when I failed my senior thesis and had to redo it.
Well, I'm still here. I tried going to graduate school to become a teacher and that fell apart, too.
I work as a teacher's assistant now and I hate it. My only friend is my boyfriend, who I live with. I live far from anyone else I would want to talk to, like people from high school and college. I have very little desire to make new friends, even though I know I want to deep down.
I tried joining a choir because I love to sing. It was kinda nice, but it made me miss high school/a time when I was happier and thinner and it made me feel really sad.
I know that looks aren't everything, but I hate how I look and I don't think I'm going to start to feel better once I've lost at least 50 pounds out of the 100 I want to lose. I'm working on it, but that will be at least a few months.
In addition to that, I just have no desire to socialize with anyone except my boyfriend. I feel nothing when talking to another person. I feel like a robot when I talk to anyone.
I'm going to talk to a therapist soon, but if anyone can relate or has advice, I'd love to hear it. I hate feeling like I have no one to talk about this with, but then I have no desire to make any new friends.
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self.depression
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I just wish I had the courage to kill myself I know I'm not going to sleep tonight and I know tomorrow is going to be the same lonely miserable hell of a day like every day before.
I can't do it anymore.
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self.depression
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Feeling trapped in time - fear of losing myself in time - fear of time Hi,
I am 19 and it has been hitting me quite hard for the past months. I fear time. I fear that I cant keep up. I fear losing myself in it. I already feel so damn lost in it. It sounds hard, but it is a horrible place to be. Soon it is 2018, and imagining myself in it is just horrifying. I wont be able to cope when there is a "2018" on the calendar. I just cant do it. What should I do? Soon it is 2018 and I fear it so much, I fear I will do something bad because I wont be able to cope with it.
It all started in the end of July, all of the sudden, I didnt want the future to come and wanted the time to stop. It happened after 6 months of DP when I suddenly had these painful feelings of dread.
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self.Anxiety
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I just bombed my math test and I feel like fucking dying title, just took a calc BC test. usually i do well but today for some reason my thinking was slow, my reading was sluggish, and I got dizzy staring at the words. I'm crying on the inside, I had a good grade up until this point. Even worse, our grades are dissected into 3 trimesters and this one has winter+thanksgiving break so I will probably only be taking one or two more tests before the trimester is over, and I don't think I'll be able to raise my grade back up.
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
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self.offmychest
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I can’t stop thinking about it My mental state has been awful the past few weeks. I have no interest in anything, so my mind is left to wander. I go from feeling numb to panicking and listing the people who would miss me if I died. I don’t want to hurt myself, and never have, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s a morbid fascination that’s bordering on an urge, and I’m scared.
I’m trying to fight this. I got out of the house today, got coffee and wrote down some notes in advance of a doctors appointment I have in a little over a week. I have a supportive wife, and I told her I was thinking about who would miss me. Still, I lie awake and wonder if physical pain would ease my mental pain, even if I know that’s fucked up.
The only things that scare me more than my current feelings are an involuntary hold or getting the cops sicced on me. Even if my doctor thinks he can help me, I have so long before meds or therapy might do anything and I still need to work and keep my life in order. Right now, that all seems so hard. What the fuck do I do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Crippling anxiety Ive been on Zoloft for a while now. My anxiety has been well controlled. I am though, traveling Saturday alone to Nebraska (i live in Cali) to visit my boyfriend for a week, and i feel absolutely sick to my stomach, for almost a week now. Note that this is the second time i am going over there by myself, so i SHOULD be okay and know what to expect. I have no idea what my trigger is. Is it leaving my house? I get homesick very easily but i dont know what is making me feel this way. I need help, and answers. I cant live like this anymore.
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like my future will be the end of me. 2 days ago, I called the national suicide prevention hotline. They weren’t that great in helping me out. All they said was that they can only help by talking to me and looking for ways I can help myself. Like nearest clinics or facilities to get help, for groups and therapy etc. I am very depressed. I have been for 8 years. I’m 24 years old and I have lost interest in a lot of things I used to love doing. Playing the piano? Can’t do it anymore. Want me to draw something? I’m a lost artists now... I can’t seem to do anything good anymore.
I don’t have any friends and I’m very lonely. Last time I hung out with someone other than my family was back in 2010. 8 years ago.. no one really invites me to places, no one asks and how I’m doing. I don’t think anyone cares that I exist. Now I know my family does, but that’s not enough because they think this thing I have is all in my head.
It actually is, but they think it can be cured by getting a girlfriend or something like that. I’ve had relationships before, even when I was still like this. It didn’t help.
It felt like I was in love with someone and knowing I’m worthless at the same time, constantly wondering why the hell this person even loves me.
I have never went out either. I have always been a lonely soul.
My mother gave me some self help DVD’s she’s had for the longest and I don’t think that’ll help either...
therapist, psychiatrists, groups, etc... all they want is money and my insurance is not the best so I can’t even get into that. Not that it’ll help anyway. Talking to anyone about how I am or feel doesn’t make me feel better.. I feel like my life has gone nowhere and it’s too late for it.
Like in the future, I’ll end up dead somewhere. By my self harm. And I think I’m ok with it.
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self.depression
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If it weren't for the people around me I would've ended it by now. Everyday I wake up to a feeling of emptiness. I have no future and don't have the will or motivation to have one, nor will I ever gain it. I'm considerng running away to cut commnication with everyone close to me so that they cann prepare themselves for the inevitable conclusion.
I just wanted to know if there was anyone else in the same boat as me. And if so how have you managed so far.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Best medication for depression and anxiety? Whats the best medication that you've taken for depression and anxiety? I really want to try something else because I've been on almost every SSRI and SNRI and they all kill my sex drive and make my anxiety worse and make me lazy.
I've tried everything but I'm constantly angry and isolate myself and really want a non-antidepressant to try to see if that will help me. I can't go on feeling like this. Sometimes you just got to accept it and stop lying to yourself that you need abit of extra help.
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self.Anxiety
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Bachelor’s thesis due tonight and I’m not even halfway through [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I wish I wasn't so fucking lonely I have no close freinds, and I don't think I ever will. I get nervous in what few conversations I have, so people get bored and leave. Even my boyfriend is done with me now. I could barely get out of bed this morning. I wish I had the strength to end myself, living just isn't worth all of this disappointment
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self.depression
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I'm so lonely I've recently had a good week. I reconnected with someone from high school. He was cruel to me but the growing up that has happened over the past two years has changed us and we had started dating a little bit. I found myself not just existing any more and I had things to do and a friend who was more available than my other one. But now he's working in the evenings, the only time I'm not working. I haven't seen him in a week and my other friend is busy and my last friend is across the country. So I'm sitting here alone. I went to a baby shower for a friend this morning. I felt so out of place being the only person there who wasn't married and didn't have any kids. Despite being around people I was still very lonely. All I wanted to do was go home and take a nap. I wound up sleeping all afternoon. During that time my family left the house and when I woke up I was alone. Two of my siblings went to a dance. My parents and my youngest sibling went out to dinner. I was left here. Granted I was really grumpy earlier from lack of sleep and being constantly interrupted during my nap so it made sense they didn't want to disturb me... But it would have been nice to be out with my family. I had been so fine with being alone since I moved back home but now it's overwhelming. I know I only have a few more weeks until I move out again but it feels like forever. I just want to have friends again...
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self.depression
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ready 2 go I can't believe what i've done. I ruined everyone in my life. I've ruined my own life and theirs along with me. The one person I had left is gone. He is the love of my life and yet again I've hurt him past the point of return. I'm all alone now. He says he doesn't care if I kill myself and I hope its true. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm such a goddamn idiot So I've been taking a good preparation class related to my dietetics major. Today was the lab practical for that class, which the professor said was going to be really easy and that everyone who came to lab and paid attention would do well on. I go in there, though, and my anxiety completely takes over. At the knife skills station, I accidentally do a small dice instead of a medium dice because my anxious brain can't tell the difference between 1/4" and 3/8", apparently, and I also have no fucking clue how to assemble the stand mixture at the equipment set-up station because I never had the chance to use it in lab and because the mixer I have at home is different (the bowl attaches differently). But yeah... I probably fucking failed and the TA probably thinks I'm retarded, which I am. I want to crawl under a rock.
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self.depression
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I can feel every cell in my body dying after my last hope left [deleted]
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self.depression
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Im stubborn and hesitant. Going to keep this as brief as possible because I am not a fan of blocktext. Today went to my psychologist, been seeing her for a little while, very clinical. After talking to her about my behavior and my perception for a couple of months, she finally decided to tell me basically what has been in the back of my mind for 2 and a half years now. She Said Bipolar II, I am hesitant, reluctant, or don't know if she is qualified to say that. Kinda don't wanna take this any further becuase-- what if she is right. Just going to put it out of my mind. Thoughts? Making the right decision?
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self.bipolar
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By myself. I’ve never felt more lonely in my entire life than I do right now. My gf currently left me for the second time and it just made me worse....
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate my life and I wanna die This is probably gonna be not very cogent, but whatever. Anyways, I'm eighteen, and I've been suicidal since I got into high school, about three years ago. There were a few moments when I was in middle school where I felt suicidal, but they were few and far between. I've never really had any close friends. I certainly don't now, but I kinda did when I was in middle school. I had a group of some friends and we'd text each other often, we'd see movies about once every other month or so, we didn't hangout at each other's houses very often, but, at the time, that didn't seem so bad. In recent years, I've spent so much of my time alone, and I hate it so much. When I began high school, my friends were all put into different classes, or rather I was separated from them. I saw them a lot less, and I had make new friends, but I didn't. I mean, I kinda did, but all my friends from high school don't text me, or see me outside of school, nor do they seem to express any interest in doing so (some of them have even explicitly told me that they don't want anything to do with me outside of school). I have a girlfriend, and she's really the only reason I haven't killed myself for all the time we've known each other. We met by her just telling me she liked me about a year ago. I didn't know her when she told me, but I thought that things would finally get a lot better when she did it. From the start, she's always been a lot better than me, at least from a social perspective. She has a lot of friends, she hangs out and goes to parties and shit with her friends pretty often, she's had relationships in the past whereas I haven't, and she doesn't make conversations awkward as much as I do. At first, the large difference in our social statuses intimidated me quite a bit, but I figured that she'd sorta lift me up. Maybe some of her friends would become my friends, maybe she'd invite me to a few events or parties with her friends, but that hasn't happened. We'll spend a lot of time together, but I'm still very closed off socially. Seeing her life and hearing about her past also just reminds me of how little I've done in my life. I said that my high point in life was when I was in middle school, but those years of my life are nothing compared to everything she's done. She's two years younger than me, yet her life is way more saturated than mine. No matter what my future holds, I'll never be able to take back the nothingness that has plagued me for these last few years, and I fucking hate it.
Again, sorry for that not being very cohesive, but I wanted to get out everything I could.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m Fake I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I wish I was happy I wish I had friends to surround myself with my only friend I have doesn’t even live in my city anymore. I am just a fake person with a fake smile, a fake attitude, and a fake personality. I struggle waking up everyday knowing that I will be alone till I die. I’m just a fake person. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bite a bullet but I’m too much of a coward to even do that.
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self.depression
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Anyone on Klonopin? Post your experiences please, in depth no inhibitions. I'm curious what other people do and feel with it.
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self.bipolar
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Mania So everything I've read about bipolar I and II says that most people's mania is periods of high energy and productivity to the point where they might not even sleep bc they're doing things like crazy. I'm diagnosed with bipolar, but I've never experienced that. My downs are major depression and I have suicidal thoughts a lot, but when I'm not depressed I'm angry. Like I'm so pissed off at everything, and the slightest tiny thing could trigger it and make me so mad for an hour or so, and then I'll be back to normal, or back to being depressed. Or, I'll have a couple days or a week where I'm really pissed off and snapping at everyone around me, and then it'll go away and I'll be depressed again.
I've never felt that "on top of the world" kind of feeling that I've read about on Reddit and in doing research about bipolar. It's always anger or depression for me.
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self.bipolar
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Today I cleaned my room, made my bed, and did laundry I didn't sleep long enough last night, just a measly 7 hours and I woke up, exhausted but as I sat trying to get my day started I just got this urge to clean. My room has been an utter disaster area for a long time. No clean clothes, all of them on the floor. I just clean my work clothes, towels and washcloths. My casual clothes were all dirty. If I tried washing them they'd end up at the corner of my bed, not folded just there.
I can see my floor. My clothes bins are full, the washer and dryer are full. My bed is made, I never make my bed. I'm throwing things I don't need away. I'm organizing. I'm in a really good mood and cleaning makes me feel so much better.
I might read a book instead of play games later too...
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self.depression
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I want to tear my skin off and become a new person I feel like I'm constricted
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self.depression
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I'm having trouble moving on from some big mistakes I made at work and I'm scared that i'm not capable of doing my job anymore.. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I want to say the things I cant I wish there was an environment that you could unleash all those dark and twisted, intricate suicide plans without being hospitalized or shut down and told to talk about something "more positive"
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can no longer orgasm! Started zoloft in the last 2 weeks. I can't cum anymore. I have tried and tried. Was aroused this morning and tried again and couldn't cum! Still aroused. This sucks! Wtf! I feel better on it but cumming is a big part of my life and relaxation. I am sad.
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self.bipolar
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I just had to say something maybe someone will listen, someone will understand what is going on I never knew what to say, maybe that’s why people see me as a good listener, but I just can’t take it anymore. I need to tell someone that I am not fine, that I am in pain and that I can’t take it anymore. This bulge on my chest is getting heavier, it’s getting heavier to breath every day. I hate my job, I hate my way of living and I don’t have the courage to change it. I fall into the sadness everyday more and more. I know if I told my parents they would just tell me to pray more and more, but dad prayers aren’t always the answer, and If I tell my best friend he would tell me that everybody is going through shit, don’t you think I know that, FYI I do know. For the past 9 months I’ve been stuck at this job I hate, I gained 10 Kgs, I can’t keep a good habit for more than a week, and lost touch with all my friends. I know that not everything is supposed to go your way, but why can’t it just do that for 1 minute? I know that all I say is just rant and there are people who are living in worse conditions than me, but for me this hurts too much inside.
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self.offmychest
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No matter what you do, it will never get better. This post isn't for those who will eventually say: "It will get better, I promise!". I really hate being such a bitter cynic, but this will never get better. My life, in it's own mediocre, pathetic drivel has shown me time and time again that life will only continue to kick you in the teeth at the most opportune time. Never have I once thought that life would ever get any better, I'm so tired of writing about how sorry my life has become that I am sick of anything and everything. I can't get sober to find a better job in my area, I can't move on in going back to school to finish my degree. I feel as if I have completely slid back into a full-blown depression that I cannot control. I am so envious of looking at other people's life from the outside and seeing that their lives are infinitely better than mine... I just can't fathom being in this world for much longer. No one, and no one even on this forum will be able to connect with me, no one on this planet will ever see eye-to-eye with me at all. I won't even expect anyone to ever reply to anything I ever say. My life is dull and boring just like the next person in line, everyone has a cookie cutter bullshit story they tell everyone and I would just like to exclude myself from it all. I am, by definition that person that every parent warned you about... My life is pathetic and full of fatal mistakes and I just cannot rationally see a great ending to this life other than fixing this permanently over temporary problems. I know this is really wordy and long, but in short, I just want it all to stop... This whole world and the best it has to offer just depresses me greatly and I cannot get out of this not matter how hard I try.
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self.depression
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I almost killed someone yesterday I'm in the army and am trained in counter terrorism.
Yesterday I got off the bus at the headquarters of the army in the city centre. Started to give some change to a beggar when I hear a commotion and some shouts behind me.
I turn around and see a guy in a red hoodie stabbing someone with a knife. I run closer while pulling on my magazine to put into my gun. I see 2 more bodies on the ground. The terrorist starts to run towards me and I think holy fuck, this is actually happening right in front of me, do I have the guts to do this thing.
I start moving the magazine towards to loading chamber and I'm revving up to shoot someone, something I've been training to do but never anticipated I'd have to do it like to and so soon too.
He run closer to me (maybe 12m from me now) and turn around and stops. He just stops and turns around and looks at the scene behind him.
I had also noticed peripherally through the adrenaline that the crowd wasn't reacting to any of this the whole time. These 2 things broke through the instincts and training.
I watch a bit longer but always ready and after asking around, it was a practice drill. A fucking drill. In the street, outside the national military complex in a time period where stabbing attacks are happening every week. There's no one to alert soldiers this is a drill.
Another two seconds or lack of attention to detail on my part and you'd be reading about me in the newspaper today. I can't believe how close I was to that edge of a mistake. I wouldn't have been to blame because this was indistinguishable from a real attack in every way.
Just needed to get that off my chest.
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self.offmychest
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I didn't die last night. I attempted suicide last night but it was not successful.
My Dad died January 3rd this year, and it will be my first Christmas without him. I was 17 at the time, now 18. Since his death I've learned how to drive, attended prom, graduated high school and enrolled in college. All of those experiences came with stress and pain and a loneliness that I can't explain.
My dad never got to see my get my driver's lisence. Never got to see me off to prom and take those cringy pictures where the father is staring down my date. I walked across the stage and took my diploma knowing he wasn't waiting for my in the audience. Ill never get to tell him I made it into college, despite all the times he was scared we couldn't afford the senior fees to even make it out of high school.
Last night I was not ok, I was depressed and lonely and trying to think about a future to try and cheer myself up but in every future I only saw myself alone. My friends grew distant, I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is tired of my constant depressing demeanor. Ive stopped coming to him or anyone else for the matter because I'm told that I'm making THEM stressed and depressed and down and just not happy. So I stopped.
In short, I overdosed last night and I was ready to go. I cleaned my room and wrote a will and everything. And I just went for it. My mother found me and I was taken to the hospital shortly after.
I was afraid, I was loopy and a little out of it, either from crying or blood loss. Let me tell you that having blood drawn while severly underweight is not a fun experience. Hard breathing, sweating, weakness and passing out was embarrassing to say the least. I'm sure I looked like a dead fish.
I was sobbing and terrified, not because I was almost dying, but because I heard them talking about sending me to a institute, which I wanted nothing to do with. I just wanted to go home and sleep.
I don't want to go into detail about how I psychically felt, but the stomach pain and headache made me want to just lay down and rot.
Aside from my mother, only two people knew I was there. A friend, who volenteered to tell my boyfriend where I was and why because I was scared of how he would react and what he would do, and my boyfriend, who said that he needed a break. I was bleeding and sobbing and needed someone and he said that he felt neglected and empty and that he needed a break from me because of it. I was too much, I know. I don't blame him. But I feel so betrayed. I needed him and I felt like he just told me to fuck off. I don't blame him, he's sad too. So I hope he feels better.
The friend, who was also the boyfriend's best friend, came up to the emergency room. He didn't tell me he was coming, just kinda showed up. I was in the middle of sobbing when he walked up so I know I looked like a complete fucking mess, but I felt a little less alone. He half hugged me while I cried and we talked about Overwatch and food and I told him how I missed my boyfriend and wished he was here but I know better.
He had work in the morning, I was taken in about 11-12 at night, and he stayed with me and my mom until he had to leave for work, which was about 5AM or so. I asked him multiple times if he wanted to leave and get sleep but he said he was fine. I am grateful he came. I felt less alone.
Since this was the second time I was taken because of a suicide attempt, the nurses approuched me and strongly encouraged me to seek help at an institute. I know they push because if anything happens to myself when I'm discharged, they can be held liable, but I didn't plan on going back anytime soon. As soon as I'm given the green light, I'm leaving.
Unfortunatly, in the state of Alabama, 18 is still considered a minor, 19 being the adult age. So I really didn't have a choice since the decision fell to my mother. I convinced her the best I could, and even though she was really hesitate, she agreed. The doctor mentioned bypassing her decision and taking me anyway, but after a few promises he agreed as well, as long as I promised to see the psychiatrist they set me up with.
I'm laying in bed now. I'm tired, kinda crying and hungry but alive. I'm fine, eating and what not. The boyfriend hasn't checked on me, but my friend has. I'm not allowed to lock my door but its fine.
I know people are going to say that "my dad wouldnt have wanted this" or "he's with you always in spirit" and what not but that's not true. He's not here and I'm stressing people out by being here. I'm very tired of missing people and a future I know I will never have.
I probably should have made a throwaway account but I doubt anyone I know irl will see this anyway, I'm too lazy to make one and I don't think there's anything too personal on this one anyhow.
Thanks for letting me type this out.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I think I Suck, Others Don't Seem To I can't say I'm depressed as I don't feel my emotions, I suppress them then usually eat them away.
My boss and his boss' wants me to be promoted, people ask me why I am not a supervisor, I think I'm crap and know nothing.
I was at a job interview for my dream job (I had to turn it down due to conflicting schedule system meaning I'd have to miss Therapy and My 12 Step Program, at this moment it's not possible to stop) and I passed both interviews, first with the HR woman and then with a Store Supervisor that said I was very driven, I thought I wasn't doing well
I've been socializing with this woman from a support group I attend, we went for coffee after and I was making eye contact and talking.
I don't feel anxiety anymore (I had mushrooms in 2015 that removed it) but I still think of myself as crap, in every sense, I think I can't speak, I think I'm 80 pounds heavier than I am (I've lost weight in recent years), I think I'm underskilled, I think I absolutely suck (possible depression), but people around me seem to think otherwise, I'm very confused.
I think everybody thinks I'm the scum of the earth because I think I'm that, maybe I do still have Anxiety patterns
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self.Anxiety
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Cymbalta vs Prozac Anyone been on both?
I've been on Prozac for 7 years now and it's not working as well, and it's also making it really difficult to orgasm.
They switched me to Cymbalta. Any experience, anyone?
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self.bipolar
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Anyone try Abilify for anxiety and had vision issues? I was prescribed this about a month ago and I'm finally sleeping and waking up at a decent time so I thought all was good. Meanwhile, my vision is seriously deteriorating. I'm wearing my glasses all the time now, not just for driving at night. The only thing I can think is it's the Ability and I see from Google that blurry vision is a side effect. Really mine is beyond blurry. I'm having trouble driving. I see my doc next week but just thought I'd see if this happened to anyone else too.
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self.Anxiety
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Can't accept love or compliments, yet I long for it. I can't accept love and kindness from people. Even from close friends and family members, I always feel like I'm resisting it. It's like I don't feel like it's real or genuine. Like they are just being nice or faking it. Even when it comes to my mom, who is the most genuine caring person I know, I don't feel like I can fully embrace her kindness. It's like I'm scared to accept her love, or to feel it. I always feel like I'm resisting when I hug her and when she shows she cares I'm super hesistant to let it in. I can feel myself tense up when anyone is about to say something kind to me or say that they care about me.
Its wierd because if I look close enough I see that the motivation for a lot of the things I do is because I want people to like me and admire me. I want favorable attention. When it comes to a lot of things I have a big fear of ending up alone, all by myself. But I'm not alone right now, I have good friends and family, yet I can't fully let them in. I can't take advantage of the social interaction they provide, and so I'm left longing for love and admiration. I'm always longing for recognition of certain good things I do and personality traits I have but when someone points it out or gives me a compliment I immediately tense up or I don't feel like it's really true; I just can't accept it.
I think I'm like this because I always felt like my dad was fake. Anytime he showed affection it always felt unformatable or fake. The rest of my siblings feel this way too. Anyways, I ended up always feeling super anxious and tense around him and could never accept any love, affection, or compliments he showed, even to this day.
Anyone else feel this way sometimes? Any advice or information would be helpful, thanks.
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self.depression
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I don’t mean to be a dark cloud I use to be happy and bubbly and outgoing girl. I’m 24 years old now and I’ve become this constant dark cloud. And I think...I enjoy it. It’s something I hold onto and it makes me feel safe. Things happened over the years that made me scared and made me build up a wall. This didn’t happen over night. It was a time line of constant failure and mistakes and physical hurt. I don’t mean to come off sour or be gloomy. Like at work I’m not peppy and bubbly I’m just doing my job. I’m to focused in my head and afraid I’m gonna acres up not to mention I’m tense 24-7. My sister told me a bout a week ago that I’ve changed and I use to be funny and upbeat. Idk how to get to that place again. I’ve seen to much harm and anger. I’ve put myself in danger and made whopper mistakes. Now I’m just here trying to live. Trying to navigate a healthy life style. Whatever that may be. I’ve hurt people and they’ve hurt me. I lost myself and saw the raw real world people. And it wasn’t pretty. It sucked the life right out of me and I helped to do that to myself. I thought I was nothing and thought I would only be happy with a man in my life. Seeking attention night and day. Having promiscuous sex. The lies and toxic relationship. Alcohol and pot played a part of course. It all consumed me and I forgot to take care of myself. And now I’m alone. I barely have any friends. I’ve cut and cut people out left and right. It was hard to do but I couldn’t keep up anymore. I barely go out anymore. I got tired of being stupid and hanging around low life’s. I deserve better. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places. Idk but right now I’m alone and I love it. I’d rather be alone then filled with constant angry anxiety and exhausted from the party life. It’s just been myself and I. Some days it’s harder than others but I’m still here. I hope things turn around for me in the sense of my love life and finding new friends and a better job for myself. Oh! And moving out of my parents house. That would be great. I’m just so eager for the whole picture to come together in harmony. But it takes time. And I’m impatient of course lol. But I gotta deal with it. And live the best I can.
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self.depression
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