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Should I kill myself ? Sup, I ended up here because I hate myself so much I try to find reasons to hate me more and.. well whatever.
Since I’m an attention seeker I’l gonna tell my life and brag for shit I don’t deserve.
I’m 18 and i feel like I’m not growing up, but getting older. My life has been more like a slowly faillure in all it’s way (exonomics, cultural) I don’t like the way I’ve been educated, neither the place, the peoples, whatssoever I hate everything I’ve made. Most of peoples says I’m cool and nice but the few peoples I got very close to just ended up hating me. Why ? I don’t know peoples like me don’t deserve explanations.
I’m bad at school i don’t know what to do I have litterally no friends, I personally investigated on myself and found that I was bipolar, depressive and had kinds of social anxiety (Yeah I’m 18 but do diagnostics wtf, whatever.).
I hate myself so much, if anyone comes to like/love me I wouldn’t like/love this person anymore because this persons like something that I hate. I want the best in my life and surely not someone who like stuff like me.
the sad thing is that I ALWAYS knew I was a terrible asshole even tho the closest peoples sweared to me I wasn’t, ended up they all gave up on me.
I won’r never be able to achieve my life as I know I’am a complete mental disordered since im young (i feel the same idiot and ignorant as I was when I was 5), the only things I loved finally hates me and everything I love feels like it not for me.
My passions even feels to high for me, if they were humans they would spit on me and ell me to like something less intresting.
I even feel like a rapist (even tho i never raped anyone) but I have the same feeling, I used peoples and forbed them to be free and now I’am that asshole who is sad. (even if I never forbid nothing to anyone but still, let’s not be cool on me I’am a bad person so that’s it, peoples already told me I was too bad for them after them saying so beautiful things about me, and sincerly..)
I know I’am a stupid ass cunt because the most intresting, inteligent and succesfull peoples I know, who loved me before now hates me because I’am.. me.
I’am really considering to kill myself, waiting to fail my studies or my life to it.
By the way i can’t make friends because I’am too honest, and NO ONE wanna be friend with a depressive cunt like me, and if they do sadly they enjoy being with a depressive cunt, so i won’t like them anymore..
I don’t want everyone to be my friend or close peoples I know, lnly beautiful and succesful peoples.
I’m bad you know, I don’t even write something that makes sense.
Please if you can just insult me or whatever you can to make the hate around me live, except me now no ones hate me (because i can’t talk with peoples who does, apparently they will sue me for harrassement)
I’am annharraser anyway itls what they think.
I’am a fucking asshole.
You really might now be wondering wtf you just read, K’m not native in english sorry i speak worse than a 4years old child.
Why can’t I be normal, and normal peoples do exist don’t tryna make me eat this lie, they do and they live, maybe if you’re reading this it’s because you are just not normal like me somewhere and peoples like us don’t deserve to feel normal, and if they do it’s an illusion.
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self.SuicideWatch
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27 and have never dated Among other nevers in my life I have not experienced that other people my age have.
Doesn't bother me too much personally, but I am getting kinda worried, cause I know what judgemental shits some people can be if you haven't done or experienced something by certain ages.
Just worried that as I get older, opportunities are shrinking, could be an irrational fear, but not really when even 30 is considered old in some respects these days.
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self.offmychest
|
Self Care Sunday! Welcome to Self Care Sunday. Post your plans for self care in the comments. Let's take good care of ourselves today.
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self.bipolar
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Lifeline To give you context, I am a 30/f, married, and a mother to a baby; and what some would say a pretty good career. I have friends, family and colleagues who are supportive and have helped me along the way.
For the past year, I suffered from severe post partum depression. Going into my first pregnancy, I was not mentally ready, which I believe contributed to my PPD. My marriage was on the verge of shambles, corporate life sucked my soul, and I lived in a materialistic city that catered to those who were successful and could spend their happiness rather than earn it organically. I felt like I didn't belong.
We moved out of state to where most people dreamed to live in. I started a new job with a role that was interesting and could further my career growth. The pay allows me to support my family. The move was to salvage what I felt was left of my soul. But still, I was not happy. I financially support my family, because my husband is having a hard time finding a job (he lost his job a year and a half ago due to low oil and gas prices and a restructuring of his organization). Every day I worry that I would do something wrong that would lead me to getting fired and worrying about how I can feed and house my kid. I've stressed more each day, stopped eating my meals, and lost an unhealthy weight in a matter of weeks. I have trouble sleeping at night, yet I still have to wake up at 6 to 7am every morning to make sure I can feed my child.
My day consists of waking up, cater to my kid for a few hours, go to work, come home and help take care of my kid, go to sleep and repeat. You can say each day, I've succumbed further into a deep depression and have thought countless times of suicide. I'm a researcher, so I've spent some days researching the best way to off myself.
Today I couldn't wait. I just woke up feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. I grabbed my scarf, made a pretty solid knot, and created a noose in the closet. As I sat there crying, all I could see is red and think about how I was tired of fighting. Tired of working hard for nothing. Tired of feeling like it would get better and lying to myself that I just needed to be strong to fight off these demons.
As I wrapped the noose around my neck, I could hear my 11 month old open the door and crawl in loudly. I could hear her cry as she tried looking for me, not knowing I had hidden myself away in my closet. And I could hear her cry out mom. At that moment, I wondered if she knew somehow that I was about to do something that would prevent her from seeing me. Or I wondered if it was because she just couldn't see me and wanted me. Either way, I had a surge of guilt.
And I broke down and cried. I thought about how I hadn't even left her a letter about why mommy has to go, and I hadn't told her that no matter what happens, even though she wouldn't see me, I would be by her side. I thought long about what kind of letter I should leave to an 11 month old who someday may need to understand that her mom wasn't strong enough to keep on going. And I sat there for what felt like hours.
Then I untied the noose and walked out.
I can't say this won't happen again in the future or it may never happen. And I can't say that it won't be an unsuccessful attempt or it would flop. And I can't say that someone might stop me or no one will come. But I felt like today was just not the day to leave. And maybe this was a sign that I just need to try harder. C'est la vie.
I just wanted to tell you this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I think I’m going to kill myself I literally am going to lose my $22/hour job because of a survey not related to me or my department because the shitty company I work for doesn’t care that the comments aren’t even about me and someone else is listed by name. I’m meeting my surveys year to date but they don’t care because I’m not consistent aka I have some months I meet and some I don’t.
I can’t survive financially on less and I don’t have a college degree. I’m not even paying my student loans for the community college degree I never finished.
I’m pregnant and I’m going to lose all my healthcare for me and this baby. I don’t think I can go on anymore because my mental health is so poor and I’ve contemplated suicide since I was 13 and I’m 30 .
I’ve tried to kill my self multiple times in my life but never succeeded. I know it’s selfish and wrong and I’m going to go to hell per my beliefs. I am so down I’m just sobbing in the toilet cubicle at work trying to pull it together because I work til after midnight pst.
I wish some drunk driver would just hit me so it wouldn’t be my fault.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like I have no future; honestly what's the point. I managed to fuck up my GPA my first semester of college by skipping class and not going to my exams. I honestly don't know if I was depressed/anxious or just lazy, maybe I started lazy and got depressed when I realized the results. My GPA currently stands at 1 1.8 and I am on academic warning for the second time ( I did good my second semester but failed calculus online over summer). This current semester I am failing calculus yet again and will have to retake it next semester. It sucks that my GPA is so low because there is nothing I can do about it, I can try to retake classes but what is the point when the difference between a 1.8 and a 2.3 is nothing. I feel my entire future is fucked because I screwed up, I won't be able to get internships or good jobs. I will be stuck in a shitty situation for the rest of my life because I fucked up in college as a new freshman straight out of highschool. I despise being lumped in with the partiers and the drinkers because my GPA is so low, no one is going to take me serious because of a stupid fucking number. I hit a low today when I was told I can't go to Germany because my GPA was low, literally one of the few things I was looking forward to in my future down the drain because of a stupid fucking number. And it is just compounded because my GPA is so low I don't see the point in trying since nothing will bring it up, so I just don't do shit. I think I'm depressed, I've been diagnosed and given medication, but I've been told all my life to suck it up and stop being lazy. Just writing this makes me feel like I am trying to excuse my laziness, but there have been weeks during my time at college so far, last week being one of them, where I rarely got out of bed, didn't shower, binge ate, didn't go outside, and had non stop suicidal thoughts. I just don't get the point of living this shitty life, I would kill myself but I'm too much of a fucking coward to. I can't even collect my thoughts enough to write this post, you see I am all over the place. And now I have to go home for thanksgiving and act like I am perfectly fine when I hurt so much inside.
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self.depression
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I am really struggling. please please help Hi guys, I am new to this sub but I am really really struggling. I have been having panic attacks lately and my general anxiety has gone way up. This happened almost two years ago and was horrible for months, and then I got treatment and meds and moved in with my family and got better. Now I am living on my own for almost a year and someone have slipped into the same patterns and have all this anxiety again. I am so terrified this is just going to be my life where I relapse again and again. I can't live like this. I really can't. I am starting meds again today and I am trying to find a counselor. I feel so alone and hopeless.
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self.Anxiety
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I Never Knew Loneliness Could Become So Severe Even when I'm surrounded by others, I feel this intense sadness. I feel like it's my destiny to kill myself. Wow. It's actually palpable, the feeling, when I think this. It feels right. Huh. I know, objectively, it's probably something wrong, I do have dysthymia after all, but it just feels correct, when I think it. Like a poignant little thing. I feel like I am a burden on my family and my school. I know my family loves me, but I can't feel their love. It's like a fog, a barrier. I sometimes think they are lying, which is awful. I'm terrified.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My take on solving social anxiety
Social anxiety is something of which I suffered from since my early teens. After a lot of thinking and thinking and thinking ..... I realised what I was doing which was causing so much anxiety, and how I differ from let's say, my friends.
First things first. We all want some kind of approval from people, it makes us feel good. Now you probably all tried the "just don't give a fuck approach" amongst about 100 mantras to no avail, I'm sure. They scrape the bottom of the crusty anxiety scab but really your not all that confident in its ability.
Now I want you to imagine if you will that everyone has there own piece of paper. On the paper is this persons own morals. This includes how they think people should act, how kind people should be, how they should behave in social situations.The lists defines everything about how they think special interaction should go down.
Now I want you to have a conversation with this person. Your aim is to tick off as many of his morals as you can during this conversation. Quite hard right? You have no idea what is written on his piece of paper!
Now here's where so called confident people are different.They don't need to see anyone else's piece of moral literature. They have there own. Now if we compared there own with someone else's, we'd notice that yes there in different wording, but essentially all of there morals are the same.
You have to start reading from your moral sheet, not there's. You are so trapped trying to figure out there's you don't realise that your own sheet (Providing you really aren't some evil bastard) is completed acceptable. Imagine your morals of social interaction held before a high court, everyone I'm sure would rule in favour of them.
Read from your sheet and you will be accepted by others effortlessly. This also starts the beginning of you allowing yourself to be yourself. Do you believe strongly about animal rights ? Brilliant that would go down pretty well in the court? Sounds commendable, put it on your sheet and read from it.
Some anxiety may come from other areas such as physical etc.This can help to. Do you think most people in the court would agree that not bullying people because of there looks is good? That people don't deserve discrimination? I do. Well put that on your sheet and you can be more confident in yourself.
I hope this post can help at least one person. Anxiety is straight up awful, just work on allowing yourself to be you and take to heart what you will from this. You'll be on your way!
Peace out
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety medication—what is it like? Hi,
I have a question regarding anxiety medication. I have never taken medicine for anxiety before, and was curious what being on a benzodiazepine (taken as prescribed and not recreationally) would feel like. Will this medication make me “zombie-ish” and not able to experience a full range of emotions? I am wondering if this fully numbs your nervous system (like if you are driving and someone jumps in the road, can you still get the “fight or flight” adrenal hormones to slam on the brake?)
I have never recreationally taken Xanax or Ativan, but am curious to hear how these medications feel when taken as prescribed. Thanks for any insight.
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self.Anxiety
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Constantly obsessively thinking about my flaws and mistakes and how to fix them but I don't do it. I just want to die so much and end the pain Please help I don't know what to do, how to feel.
I judge myself continously, every single thing I do every day, every task. It's driving me crazy. I don't trust myself, I doubt myself so much, I do so many mistakes, i'm so air headed and stupid and lazy and i don't even know where to start changing. There is so much to change it's overwhelming the day has too few hours and i'm always tired and i don't have the energy to change i don't believe i can it's impossible i've been like that my entire life.
I just think about the reasons I'm like this obsessively, just trying to grasp it to find the logical psychological causes and then the appropiate methods and technics to put in practice but there are so many how ca j start when i'm such a procrastinator. How is it possible to change ur brain, I have no self control and I don't believe I can
I'm a failure, I think there is something wrong with me. Depression but something more. Like obsesivelly thinking about my mistakes.
I feel so inadequate in my body it hurts I just want to feel right. I don't know whay to believe anymore, I'm so influenced by people I don't have my own ideas I feel like everything is so relative I want to be morally correct but I can't because everybody thinks different and I can't.please anybody
I feel empty, no identity, it hurts. I'm crying so much, bawling my eyes out. I want it to stop. The constant pain and disappointments in my life. I'm awful stupid lazy and annoying.
I really just want to die
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self.depression
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Job interview Friday. I have a job interview Friday and I am soooo extremely anxious. I initially didn’t even want to apply for the job because I am so scared to fail. Any tips? Wish me luck guys.
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self.Anxiety
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Social anxiety? From young, I always felt I acted different from the rest of the kids that I simply cannot explain. When talking to people I feel a weird pressure in eyes. I begin to stutter and digging my nails into my flesh to get rid of this weird sensations. Talking to friends, even old friends always felt weird to me, am I talking to weirdly? Am I too fake?
I never acted like the other guys too. I never could do small talk with them and talk about anything under the weather. Conversations die really quick when I quickly run out of questions that I looked up from google.
What should I do?
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self.Anxiety
|
Don't want to go through hell again. Last year I was hospitalized for depression. I had a pretty horrible episode of depression and was the first time I was diagnosed. I lost 20 pounds in one week and a half because I didn't eat anything and try to took my life two times. After it happened and my hospitalization ended I was doing very good for more than a year now. My hospitalization was all March.
I was going to therapy and my therapist said that my therapy had to finish because I need to take control of my situation, I was doing that too, helping myself in moments of despair and applying all I learned about my condition to not let it happen again.
Last weeks it's been hell again. Can't find motivation to do very important things I had to do in my University and some of them I haven't even started to do. The "I don't deserve anything", "I'm useless", "World would be better without me" kind of thoughts are coming again and this time I don't have the strength to fight them away. Can't sleep properly. I'm feeling tired all the time. I'm feeling like I want to sleep all the time too.
I know I have to go back to therapy but I'm scared to do it again and open a new and different Pandora Box. I don't want to tell my parents because I'm afraid to hurt them again. I'm scared to tell my friends. I just want to cry.
I'm just writing this to try to heal myself from within.
Thanks for the ones who took the time to read all this and sorry if there's any grammatical or spelling mistakes, English is not my first language.
Keep strong y'all and Excelsior!
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self.depression
|
My grandfather just died, yet my family thought it appropriate to have christmas without me My grandfather died on the 21st at 3 am. I was the person who had to check his pulse and tell the emergency line operator there was nothing. I had to drag my grandfather out of the bed and lay him on the floor, knowing the ambulance could do nothing because he was already gone. My auntie was a great help at the time, she came over straight away to take care of all the doctors, police and shit that had to come over, and she's been staying here to help take care of my grandmother ever since. I've already been feeling terrible about the fact I can't seem to react to the death of the man who raised me, but my auntie has been such a bitch on top of that. It's been like 3 days and she's already trying to find a home to ship my mama off too, not bothering to look for a place that'll allow dogs even though she knows mama's dogs are her life (now more so than ever), she's treating mama like a toddler sometimes, and to top it off she's made me feel unwelcome in my own god damn house. She straight up told me I have about a week to find a new place to live because she's trying to get rid of my mama as soon as possible. I have nowhere else to go and I'm terrified.
Best part though, today is christmas day in Australia. I woke up at about 2 in the afternoon, came out to talk to everyone, only to have my auntie tell me that I slept through their christmas lunch. The lunch was the only thing we were planning on doing today. They never woke me up, knowing full well I can't wake up on my own until about 2. They had christmas without me. Christmas is already one of the hardest holidays for me, and now it's all the more worse. They don't even notice how much this has upset me, they just went to have dessert after telling me I missed it. I've been in my room ever since. I just want to cry but I can't. I just feel so worthless, I wasn't even worth their time. My mama probably didn't notice because she's being shepherded around by the auntie. Two hours and they haven't even noticed I'm not there.
I miss my grandad so much.
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self.depression
|
Hate lifee My exams are coming up and I’m sure I won’t do well. I don’t fit in with people where I am. People just use me but I don’t want to be alone! I hate this place and life. It’s a never ending cycle of being down. I try being positive but there’s always that feeling of isolation waiting for me which makes me go to a bad place.
I want to die but don’t have the motivation to do it I only think about it everyday. It’s not like I’m trying to fit in through I try very hard. And when people tell me “why fit in, be the different one or don’t try fitting in with people who don’t want you” it looks great on paper but in reality it sucks to be that one person. I have my french speaking exam in some minutes and may I just say I hate life I wish it wasn’t like that but it is.
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self.offmychest
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I am not certain if this is the best place to post this information and I fear that the indefinite ability of the internet will cause me to regret posting, but I am intoxicated and I can’t turn back now from not posting. I don’t think I need any anonymous counseling, but I fear my low self worth. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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"You can't love someone else until you love yourself" I really hate the line. Mostly because I can't imagine liking myself let alone loving. I get the idea of it, but I hate how often it's spouted.
I've accepted for the most part that I don't have the time to date and even if I did, I have nothing to offer.
Sorry for the little rant, took some edibles to light my spirits and instead dropped me face first into a pool of introspection.
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self.depression
|
2018 is going to be my year... hope this might help others This is long so I apologize in advance. Might be some trigger warnings for drugs/alcohol and abuse.
I've finally had enough. Three years of GAD and panic disorder, bringing with it OCD and depression, has gotten me to the point where I am annoying to myself and to everyone I love. I developed really unhealthy coping mechanisms and expected everyone to accommodate them. Many times, they did. But that really didn't do me any favors. I haven't left my city in three years, since the anxiety set in. I hadn't even driven on any of the freeways or interstates, and basically stayed within a two mile radius of my house.
I've been in CBT for the past year. It has done wonders for me. But the therapist herself has been pushing me out of the nest, saying that there's really not much else she can do for me, the rest is up to me. I've gone from being completely homebound to at least being semi-social and functioning in graduate school, but I have to be able to travel now to take advantage of opportunities in my field, see aging family, and visit my girlfriend in another city.
Today, I woke up and began writing. I was so fed up with my anxiety and the way it was impacting my self-esteem. I started to get angry at allowing myself to let it take away three years of my twenties (I'm 26), and all the missed opportunities. Here's what I wrote, slightly edited to make sense/be shorter:
"I need to be angry, but I also need to blame myself for allowing this to continue for so long, and for clinging to my unhealthy coping strategies. Here's a loose and unorganized list of points about my anxiety and how I'm going to deal with it:
- There really isn't anything I haven't done before, short of international travel. Everything I'm afraid of, I've already done and been just fine.
- A lot of this anxiety stems from not learning how to function as an adult while sober (note: I have been sober for three years, since a little after the anxiety started. I was a mess). I am simply relearning how to do everything normal people do, but now without alcohol or drugs.
- The other major source of anxiety is my thought patterns I've fallen into. Everything has become an Everest I must conquer, instead of a normal task most people do every day. This leads to...
- My victim mentality. (Note: the major trigger for my anxiety was an abusive relationship). I have allowed myself to be bound by my own brain and all of the emergencies it can come up with, imagined or real. And bound by my past. I have always had some obsessive tendencies, but failed to learn how to adapt with them to adulthood.
- My anxiety, as it is now, is a result of my obsessive tendencies. it is the most crippling and self-destructive obsession I have ever had. Like all of my past obsessions, it self-perpetuates (note: this is where the OCD comes in, I have intrusive thoughts and tend to obsess over them. The OCD was recently diagnosed and is not an extreme case, more of a side-effect of ADHD and anxiety).
- If I want it to stop, there is no "good time" to do it. There is no ideal situation, no training wheels, no real, valid excuse. It begins and ends with me. I have to experience the anxiety and deal with it.
- The Anxiety will not go away. It will always be there and always has been; I've only been actively aware of it in the past few years (ergo, obsessed with it).
- Since it won't go away, I ahve to learn to live with it. In doing so, it will become less of a looming monster and more of a persistent fly. Every time I tackle something intimidating, it becomes much less so.
- This shit has caused me to miss out on so many good things in life. I don't want to make it to the five year anniversary of Me and My Anxiety. We're getting separated. It might be hard and messy, but I'll be free and happy when its over. Anxiety might call or text every once in a while, but its not going to be my partner calling the shots anymore.
- I'm not special. I don't get a free pass. I have to just live life like everyone else on the planet.
Goals:
- Travel out of -my city-. Minimum of one solo trip this year. (Note: I am going to Dallas after New Years for a funeral, I cannot get out of it and don't want to. This is my first HUGE step).
- Play more live shows (I'm a musician. The shows I have played have been such a big self-esteem boost).
- Don't skip classes or appointments "due to anxiety." it is no longer a valid excuse.
- Move out. (currently living with parents).
- Less time at home doing unproductive things: limit internet/social media. Open my eyes more, waste less time.
- Skate more. I started longboarding again recently and the positive adrenaline rush really helps fight anxiety.
- Get personal finances in order: savings, credit, and bills.
- Socialize more, say yes more. Take every opportunity to see people unless it conflicts with another obligation.
- Read and write more.
- Self-care: Hair, skin, appearance. Lose 10 more pounds (I've already lost over 20 and am very close to being "fit" again).
- Get more tattoos. I've been very chicken about it (muh ANXIETY), and have about $1000 worth of free work a local shop artist owes me as a favor.
- Be more open. Open to new people, to new experiences, to new places and things.
Note: Having/experiencing an anxiety episode does not nullify any progress! It just means that progress is happening. Ride it out and shake it off, its not going to kill me. "
Once again, I hope maybe this helps someone else besides me. I already went for a looooong drive today (and the mall for 2 hours in goddamn Sephora with alarms blaring and children screaming...), drove on the interstate for a pretty good distance and went to three new places I've never been to, so I'm feeling pretty good. Going to try to leave town tomorrow on a day trip.
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self.Anxiety
|
Volunteering Ok, this is something I have been wondering about, and meaning to ask about. I am in no way trying to trivialize it.
I'm curious as to why many say volunteering helps with depression. I have not tried. To be honest, I can't see how helping those worse off than I am would make me feel better. In my mind, it would only remind me of the fucked up world we live in, and maybe make me feel worse. Not that I don't think I'd get a fuzzy feeling for helping, but it would be short lived, IMO.
So, just curious, how does it help those that it has helped?
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self.depression
|
Been Diagnosed for about three months now and had a few questions... Hi, I had a recent diagnosis of Bipolar/Manic Depressive disorder after an episode of psychosis in the summer time.
I am just a little confused on my diagnosis. You see I've been super depressed for a really long time and aside from last year (I became manic and then had psychosis) I haven't really had any up/high feelings of mood aside from again the one last year. My Psychiatrist said he's 75% certain that I have bipolar so I'll take his word for it but I'm just a little confused.
So I guess my questions are;
- Is it common to have the majority of your mood with bipolar be depression?
- Is it common to have long periods of depression with bipolar and short infrequent bouts of mania?
- When is it common to start exhibiting signs that your bipolar when you haven't been diagnosed at a young age?
Sorry if the questions are kind of stupid, I just want to start some conversations about my new found mental illness and learn some things. Thanks friends.
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self.bipolar
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I got no diagnosis and I feel like I'm Bipolar.02 [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
I hope everyone is doing well! Let’s talk?! :) Hello! I hope everyone had a good day today! If you’d like to talk/vent about anything I’m here for you! Please feel free to message me about anything, im here for you!
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self.depression
|
Frustrated, lonely and Melancholic- What keeps you from jumping out the window? Since my last manic episode and ensuing depression I find myself in sort of a limbo...I find it extremely hard to motivate myself to do things...Im functional but often oversleep to escape reality. APATHY is the word. I live on my own with my cat and found myself talking to her and asking 'On a day like this...after another lonely weekend in which I mostly slept, ate junk and barely left the apartment...what keeps me from jumping off the window?'
I think thats an interesting question. What (other than fear of death/physical pain and hurting loved ones) keeps us trudging through day after day...battling the negative thoughts...the guilt after not acomplishing the small tasks you hoped you would.
Thoughts about death and suicide have become SUCH an integral part of my daily life that sometimes I look at people who have never been depressed and think they have never had these thoughts and have a moment of 'wow...that must be pretty amazing'. I was someone else. I used to get up every morning excited about the day ahead...excited about what clothes to wear...how to accessorize. It TERRFIFIES me I might never get that person back. After suffering for so long...how do you recover that enthusiasm for what lies ahead? how do you escape the trap of defeatist thinking that keeps you completely unmotivated and still....with no confidence in your ability to get things done? So guys...What keeps you from jumping out the window? I'd really like to know :) Also someone give me a hug. xox
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self.bipolar
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The worst storm hit me this morning I suffer from BPD and PTSD, and this morning I woke up to extreme depression and anxiety. I have been having problems with a belligerent neighbor that has caused me to shut myself and my dogs in the house so I don't get harassed by him. Since the dogs have been in the house longer, there have been accidents in the house although they're house trained. Now anger has been added to the mix, and I have been fighting myself from getting my guns and blowing everyone away in that family - all the way to the last, then burning their houses and possessions to ash. This has been going on for 4 months and I'm about to break.
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self.Anxiety
|
The worst part of having anxiety is that it makes it hard to make logical decisions. I live in a small town. I offered to help at the local butcher shop. The guy doesn't own the place, his dad does. His dad won't let him hire anyone but he really needs the help, so he offered for me to come in after hours and package meat in exchange for free meat which really helps since I spend 100-200 on meat per week.
Now I'm terrified he's some under cover serial killer or something, and I can't tell if I have actual warning bells going off or if it's just my anxiety. Anxiety makes it impossible to trust your instincts since it's indistinguishable.
I've talked to the guy quite a few times, and I've lived in this small town off and on my whole life. I even background checked him in this and nearby counties, and all I found out was that he doesn't like to wear his seatbelt and he used to have a drinking/driving problem.
Edit: I want to thank everyone for their kind words. I did go to work with the butcher last night, and as you can see from me typing this out I am alive! Everything went really well and I think I can learn a lot from him. This is exactly what I was talking about. What I was experiencing *felt* like a gut feeling, but it was just anxiety. I don't get actual gut feelings often enough to know the difference.
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel stuck in a rut and need advice. Hi guys, long time reader first time poster here.
A year ago I moved into an apartment in a brand new city. I remember being so excited for all the things I'd be able to do. I'd get a job, get to a gym membership, and even join a few social groups.
Well, after a year, nothings really changed. I applied for a lot of jobs and ended up going to a decent number of interviews. Nothing ever came of them and after June passed me by I lost my nerve to even really look anymore.
I did end up getting a gym membership but I've never really used it though. I know I shouldn't procrastinate like this but I'm never able to find the energy.
I haven't been able to find any groups or friends while I've been here either. I've looked but the only groups I've been able to find have been smaller groups that cater to people a lot older than I am.
It's been getting harder and harder to find motivation to get out of bed or go outside for a long time now. As I don't have a car, I'd have to take the bus to go anywhere which would eat up most of my day. I haven't really been able to derive any sense or pleasure from much anything these days. I'm just letting the time pass.
Next week, I'm starting university and I'd like to enjoy this time of my life. But I know that it'll probably end the same as all the years I spent at community college did, with nothing of significance happening and not making any friends.
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self.depression
|
God I'm so cringy Fuck me. Fuck. FUCK.
Why do I even bother talking to anyone.
AŠDKWK=QDJ=FQq9FNQJPOfjqpfopqohffhioqw
So pathetic.
So childish.
So needy.
So many issues.
Maybe I'm just not as good as others at hiding them.
God, it hurts. It's hurting me so much.
Fuck, man, I just want to be your friend. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me, invite me out sometimes, tell me stuff you're passionate about, share problems and happiness with me. I don't know how to achieve that. I'm too pathetic. Talking with me is boring. And when you do express your feelings I'm thinking "Fuck, yes, this is what I wanted, fuck what do I say I'm gonna fuck it up fuck fuck fuck how do I respond supportively fuck please don't hate me fuck please fuck." And then just end up saying something so fucking stupid and cringy, fuck. It hurts.
I fucking hate the pain.
Life is meaningless without feelings. We only do things for our feelings. No wonder it's so easy to get hooked on heroin. I wish there was a drug making you happy for days, making you not need water or food, and keeping you happy till you starve or dehydrate to death. Too bad that doesn't exist, so all we have for feelings is each other. But I don't have anyone. Because I'm such a cringy little shit. I'll never have a connection with anyone. And this stupid disgusting piece of fleshy dogshit we call brain can't let me die. Noo, we gotta fear heights. Just let me jump off you disgusting piece of ugly shit I fucking hate you. I fucking hate everything. We're all just dopamine junkies. I can't have my dopamine shot so let me die already you stupid motherfucking cunt I hate you I hate you I hate you.
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self.depression
|
How to deal with consequences of bffs attempt? My roommate and bff attempted not even a month ago. The 'catalyst' was me announcing my engagement and moving plans sooner than they expected. (Previously the plan was to move with roommate, live for another year together, then move away. Now it is move/marry as of December 1. Elopement!) As someone who has made an attempt on their own life I realize that it could have been anything to push them over that line, but the attempt was specifically presented to me and my fiance as 'if i can't make you not do this, then i'm going to do this'. And then the attempt happened.
Since then they have been out of the hospital and attending therapy, but there is a big trench of distance between us. They have since also told me that it wasn't the marriage, but the moving plans that they wanted to attempt over. But I don't know how to process that, either. I am still moving and marrying.
We are both fragile now, and I guess I'm looking for advice on how to deal with the fallout. I am still moving and marrying. This will affect them. But I am also affected by the news that my actions did this to them and am scared of what will happen while we're still living together. I don't know how to approach them to even tell them this or what is right and wrong to say.
tldr: bff/roomie attempts 'specifically' bc of my actions, still living together, what do how talk please help
If this is not the right place for this, please let me know. I was led here by the /r/SuicideBereavement sidebar.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you explain depression to someone who has never experienced it. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Dark Thoughts... 😱
I moved this summer. Not far -- just to another neighborhood -- but it was still immensely stressful. I had no choice, and I live in a brutal real estate market. Luckily, I found a place in time. But, IT was really upsetting, and I'd even go so far as to say traumatic. I was also deducted a big chunk of my damage deposit. I haven't really recovered yet emotionally.
Sunday my roommate told me he was offered a job and has to move out. Not sure when yet, but it will be sometime in the new year. More details to follow... but this means I either need to have the lease transfered into my name and find another roommate, and have the stress of managing that and managing the bills, or, move again. The latter is probably the best option for a lot of reasons. Our apartment is dirty (it was dirty when I moved in) and I know I'll get my deposit back this time if I move, since I can make my room tip top clean no problem. There is also a broken washing machine on our balcony that I don't want to have the job of getting rid of, if the lease is in my name. So I should move. It's very upsetting.
On top of this, I got a hospital bill that I did not know I was getting/had been told my insurance was covering. It's steep: $600. I can pay it, but it just, really is upsetting.
I'm not in the happiest place, to put it lightly. I'm internalizing all of this, and it's tying back to all the mistakes I've made that lead to my hospitalization almost a year ago, and the reasons why I had to move to where I live now. I feel guilty. I feel panicked. And this is on top of other stress in the news about sexual assaults by celebrities, which I've found triggering.
I'm 100% safe, but my SI has gotten more intense. And I'm having thoughts of self-harm. Once again, still safe, but the urge to buy a razor is more tempting than it has been.
I... don't know what to do. I see my therapist tomorrow.
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self.bipolar
|
pretty sure the reason I haven't killed myself all these years is because I have no fear of death, but terribly afraid of surviving the attempt worse off.
|
self.bipolar
|
Feeling a bit sucidal and lost, is there anyone i could talk with?
|
self.depression
|
The situation Im in right now... I've had depression before. Last time I had it was around last year. Anyway, it's back. It crept in around a couple days before Christmas and it peaked on Christmas day night. I ended up having a breakdown in the bathroom at night. In 16 btw. Then it slowly backed down. And now it's back for a couple days now.
It all started with friggen r/worldnews. Seriously, don't go there if you are depressed. Now that I remeber, nuclear war was the thing that caused it last year around February or March last year with regards to North Korea. It's the same thing this year, well at least started with that.
This year (early Christmas) I found about that sub r/worldnews. All the talks of Nuclear war deeply scared me. Thats what gave me depression for Christmas. That then sparked other terrible thoughts in my mind such as "Whats the point" and other terrible things I will not mention.
A couple weeks later, it's back. This time, it sparked because I have an essay to do on our thoughts on where the world is going. Unforuntatly im addicted to checking r/worldnews and I discovered that Cape town in Africa is going to run out of water in a couple months. I thought to myself what if that happened where I live. I ended up having to look up stuff for that essay which dug me deeper. There is going to be a lot of cities running out of water by 2025. Climate change is the next thing I worry about. Knowing I could potentially die in like 7 years worried me. It consumed me. Knowing all the problems that could happen in the future. It even got to the point where I had no energy or cause to do anything. I barely wrote that depressing essay.
This has consumed me lately. All I think and worry about. What makes me angry even is that life is supposed to be enjoyed. Im fucking sitting here in school which I will unfortunately probably never get to use in the future. Instead of being in school why can I be somewhere else enjoying my life.
Now here I am. Sitting in my hotub listening to Hope for the future by Paul McCartney whole writing this.
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self.depression
|
Does anybody else decide against going to the ER just because of how bad the medical bills would be? The suicide prevention lifeline is a joke (although I gotta give them credit - they're not trained professionals and they're volunteering to work in a call center and hear people's problems, and that'd make me bitter as well), and routine help isn't always there when needed.
If it's really bad, you can go to an ER and be taken to a ward, but having been to the ER, the bills you get in the mail the month after are just terrible even *with* insurance. Not to mention, if I was taken to a ward and forced to be there for a few days, I would have to skip work and be at risk of losing my job, and I'd have to explain to my loved ones what happened, which is a conversation I absolutely do not want to have.
Basically when it gets really bad, I contemplate getting emergency help, but in my mind, the bad ultimately outweighs the good, so I stay in my miserable state.
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self.depression
|
A waitress smiled at me I'm 27 and I just realised how arrested my social development with women is. I usually never make eye contact let alone long enough to smile. I was trying to catch her eye to order another drink. So I was looking her in the eyes and I smiled. She gave me a big smile back.
The part which made me freak out was that she didn't initially take it as me trying to get her attention. It took her a second to go "oh do you need something". She was just giving me a smile back. And it seemed like a big genuine smile and she kept eye contact. It didn't seem like just a polite one.
I know this sounds so lame but it made my heart race. And I had to go to the bathroom to calm down.
I'm just saying this because I have no one else I can tell and I have to vent this.
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self.offmychest
|
I fucking HATE flies I'm at a park, I'm relaxing, having a picnic, and these FUCKING flies won't leave me the FUCK ALONE!!! There's like 10 of them, just flying around my food, the table, my face, my skin, just fucking flying around!! Get FUCKED! Flies are so pointless, they can ALL burn in HELL.
How was everyone's day anyway?
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone else irrationally think that your friends dislike you even though it's obvious that they don't? For example, On Sunday I hung out with a new friend of mine. We had fun, she told me she liked being around me, and she even made me breakfast the next morning. However, when I got home I instantly starting thinking she hates me, and when she texted me later I had a panic attack and started to spiral into the "I'm an awful person I annoy everyone" mindset because her texts were shorter than usual and it made me think she really did hate me. (Wow. just writing this out makes me realize how bad my anxiety can get)
It's strange because if someone else posted this and I read it, I wouldn't think the friend in this story hated me whatsoever, but when it happens to me it feels so real. It's exhausting sometimes.
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self.Anxiety
|
Failing Highschool, Life is gay. If I don't pass highschool, I will get a job at McDonalds, save up for a gun and a bullet, and (USE YOUR IMAGINATION). There is littarly no reason for me to be alive if I don't pass. I'd rather be that kid who shot himself in the face than that retard who failed fucking highschool. I Currently, I'm a softmore, I already failed Algebra 1 and I'm such a retard I also failed the summer school bullshit that they had me do. That means next semester, I have 2 fucking math classes. Thinking about that alone makes me want to take a swig of bleach, but even worse, I'm currently failing Geometry! Now, math is the real issue, I'm only failing English beause my teacher for that is a bit of a cunt, and I'm failing graphics because, as I've said before, I'm kind of a retard. I also never have the motivation to do any work because I know my life is gonna suck ass no matter what I do. Best case scenario is tomorrow the teacher comes in and says "Math is no longer a required class" and then everyone drops out, I pass highschool, get into a fucking terrible collage because all my other grades are shit, pass collage, get my dream job as an animator and exist until I die. Worst case scenario is I wake up tomorrow. For real though, I have nothing going for me in life and I honestly and annoyed every time I wake up that I didn't die in my sleep. I've tried getting help for being a depressed little bitch 24/7 but I haven't meet one therapist who could do anything for me. At this point the only pills that could help my depression would be fucking cyanide pills. This entire post was probably one long ass clusterfuck, but I honestly can't be fucked to prove read it.
(Edit: Sorry for saying the R word so much)
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self.SuicideWatch
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Therapy makes me feel worse? does it get better? I've just started therapy for working with anxiety , however every time i go in for a session, I feel much worse for the rest of the day. I think this stems from me having to bring up everything i worry about all at once and feeling bad about myself after having to spend an hour talking about all the stuff that's wrong with me.
It's really getting me down and I'm seriously considering dropping therapy.
Has anyone else had a similar experience? Does this go away with time?
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self.Anxiety
|
I fucking hate myself and I want to die. * I've never had a job
* I have no plans for the future
* I can't drive
* I'm out of shape
* I'm socially isolated
* I have no friends
* I have no significant other
* I'm ugly as fuck
* I'm far too small for my age
* My grades are slipping
* I'm completely unmotivated to do anything worthwhile
* I feel anxious of other people
* I feel like I'm a burden on society
* I feel like a worthless husk of matter
* All I do is sit on Reddit and YouTube
What the fuck is the point?
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self.depression
|
Psychiatrist told me yesterday I had Bipolar II. I really don't know what this means. I read the Web MD about it and the Psychiatrist was accurately describing a number of my issues. But what does this mean for me as a person? I really need some advice
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self.bipolar
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Anxiety/Panic attack suddenly gone?!! I’ve had series of panic attack in the past years and also i get anxious alot. But as time goes by, i start to feel strange. Few weeks ago, i had this brain fog feeling. Hard to explain but i find myself abnormal. But panic attacks are totally gone! I get anxious once in awhile but i don’t get panic Attacks like i used to. It feels strange that when i wake up, my head just feels odd and i just feel different. Hard to explain. I just feel that things are different. I still do think that im gg to die once in awhile but my panic attacks are not there anymore. I really don’t know hat i’m gg through. I don’t take medications and i don’t intend to. Has anyone gone through similar situations? I feel emotionally numb. I don’t enjoy the things i used to enjoy. I don’t look forward to things anymore. I really don’t know what i’m doing. I’m currently 18. I just wanna be happy like i used to be.
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self.Anxiety
|
Tired. I just want someone in the world to know what's going on in my mind right now. I'm 23 years old now and I am so tired of living. I have been depressed for the longest time that I don't know what it's like to be really happy. I am sick and tired of laying down on my bed every night without thinking of what could have been my life if only I did good in school, if only I didn't lose contact to all of my best friends, if I was never lazy, if I was not dumb, if I was not ugly, if I was good at something, if I was not everything I am right now. The worst part is, I am to blame for all of my failures in life. I was young and stupid so bad that I lost motivation to everything. In high school, I was not able to get in my dream school because my dumbass did not even apply. In college, I was depressed and didn't care for shit that I got in to a crappy college and applied to a degree that I did not like. After I graduated, I just then realized what I really want to be is to become a doctor but everything was too late for me because I got low grades that will just put me in shame if I even try to apply to medical school. I am now working on a low to decent paying job and currently supporting my family (parents). Even if I know my family does not really care about how I feel and what I wanted to be, I still love them so much that I can't leave them. Even if I leave them where else do I go? I have no single friend to tell my problems to, basically I don't have anyone to talk to at all but here. Relationships sound interesting but I am never up for it. Probably because nobody deserves to be with me.
With all of these shit going on in my life, I seek refuge to sleeping. It is the only activity which I consider as a way out to my life full of regrets and failures. I don't want to give up and I want to pick myself up but every time I try, I feel like life doesn't let me. I just want another chance but life seem to not give it to me. Though I promise myself that I will not make it to 30 simply because of my life choice (doesn't have anything to do with my depression. I love my family so much as they are the only ones that I know that I got and I refuse to see any one of them go first) but it seems like everyday that I live, every day is a failure, every day is full of regret that I wanted to die right now. I don't know if I believe if God exists but one thing I know for sure is, heaven or hell is what you make your own life to be. And I made my life hell because of me. I have had mental breakdowns which is getting worse everytime. I really want to die so bad but I am too scared at the process which is really pathetic.
To all of the people who read this, thank you so much for reading. Now I know that I exist to some people in the world. It feels good to finally say things which is always on my mind even if I am not good at expressing myself or my thoughts in any form of communication. I am still trying but if I reach my limits, I will post again to say my final thoughts. Thank you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else feel that if life is going too well / I am too happy then something awful is just about to happen?
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self.Anxiety
|
I guess I just need to 'put it on paper'...or a subreddit I am very angry & hurt. I want to move past it but I am struggling to do so. 2017 has been tremendously hard. Since January, I have lost my high paying job, my home, my baby (stillborn), my pet (cat) of 15 years, and my boyfriend of 3 years has changed his mind about moving in together. Honestly, I am typically very optimistic and happy 90% of the time, but this year has just been devestating.
I am having trouble, mostly b/c of boyfriend situation... I am angry and hurt because he changed his mind about living together because I am not in the best place at the moment. He doesn't feel comfortable moving in until my life is back in order. We had talked about combining our households by the end of the year and the fact that I am not gainfully employed at the moment is a big part of it. It is NOT a money thing
....it is his baggage. His last GF was the first woman he felt he had a solid healthy relationship with and he asked her to move in together after 2 years together. She kept saying no.. then, when some things in her life changed - and she had no place else to go, she moved in with him.....she 'needed' him vs 'wanting' him.. ultimately it was a disaster and she used him and broke his heart, so he is very scared to move forward with me while I am in a place of weakness.
From my perspective however, I feel very hurt and angry because for 3 years I have loved this man unconditionally, because I WANT him...,I am independent and don't need a man in my life. I want to take our relationship to the next level because I am committed to gim long term....through life's ups and downs...positions of strength or weakness. It just sucks because I have had one loss after another over the past 10 months, and I am just emotionally spent.
I have had some very successful interviews as of late and am confident I will be working soon. I am dealing with the loss of the baby thru therapy. That loss was devestating to me, but a relief for him-which I also regret. The pregnancy was a surprise..We are older and each have adult children, so we were not looking to have more children. Based on my age, I will probably not get pregnant again, so the loss feel huge....losing my child, my youth,and the last opportunity I had to be a mother again. I understand that having a child was not planned nor something either of us wanted, but as soon as I got over the shock, I was happy about it (surprised for sure, but also happy). The fact that I am the only one mourning that loss is isolating. Everything has changed so dramatically since January. My whole life was on track and it suddenly imploded,, and i am hurt that, with thing at their worst for me, he decides that "it isn't the fight time" to move forward together-like way to go - kicking me while I am down.
I guess I am not even looking for advice, but maybe a little understanding and some kind, encouraging words.
Sorry this was so long and disjointed. For anyone who made it all the way to the end...thanks for taking the time to read it
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self.depression
|
Paranoia about death I constantly think about ways I or a loved one will die. Usually, it’s something realistic like a car crash or falling down the stairs. I don’t worry so much that it’s debilitating, but I am often depressed by my own thoughts and sometimes even driven to tears. If my mom is out for a long time, I can’t stop thinking that she might have died in a car crash. I also have a fear of not being remembered. Like, if I killed myself, nobody other than some close relatives would feel like something is missing. How can I stop these thoughts from going through my head?
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self.Anxiety
|
Instead of spending time with my boyfriend on our anniversary, I’m crying in bed wishing I didn’t exist. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I’m having a hard time to adjust new environment I dropped out of the previous college almost half a year ago. It was kinda against to my thought, cuz I was forced twice to withdraw due to long-term psychiatric hospitalizations. I applied to other college and I got accepted. I got plenty of helps there from many people including professors and buddies. I arrived at a new school on this Monday and I’m missing there. The reason why I use the word ‘there’ is that place is not actually my hometown. I skipped hours of mandatory orientation, and today, one of the orientation leaders came to my dorm. Literally I have ZERO friend here and I’m afraid of being around people, beginning of classes, or getting out of my dorm, etc. I’ve been captured by every Happy moments at the previous college, I’m missing most of the people whom I met there. I fairly hate myself so much, I don’t know what to do. I can’t get out of my bed and I’m also unable to do anything except lying down. I’m deeply depressed and want to cry.
Thanks to everyone who read my post, and I needed to vent somewhere...
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self.depression
|
I feel unloved by everyone around me. I always feel like I give a lot of love, a lot of care and attention, but it always falls in deaf ears. A lot ideas, projects and plans get dropped by friends, Coworkers and even my family. I never feel like bringing it up again, because if they really wanted to do it, they would have remembered. I have a friend who I've asked many times to reach out to me, to message me because I want to get being reached out to, it's been been months and he has yet to do it.
It's almost the anniversary of my now ex leaving me for who I thought was my best friend at the time. I should be over it after 2 years, but the wound is still there, and it still hurts. After these years, it's really no surprise why she left me though, I really don't blame her.
My parents are constantly calling me by my brother's name, I've asked them to please correct it because it makes me feel unwanted, but today it happened on multiple occasions. I grabbed my car keys and just left, I didn't want to be in that house, I didn't want to be in a place where I'm not seen.
I reached out to my best friend, telling her what was happening. She tried being supportive, but later on mentioned how she wanted to stop helping me, and how she shouldn't be giving advice to me. She then said how she's not an affectionate person and quite simply didn't know what else to do. So I asked her to stop talking about my depression and my issues and I'll never bring them up to get anymore.
I'm planning on staying in bed all day tomorrow and just rot away as I probably should do. So long everyone.
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self.depression
|
I come across the nothing. I come across the nothing.
I come very far to see,
There's nothing worth fighting
nor faith to make believe.
I come across the nothing,
and nothing I abide.
I say I am heaven's vending,
God knows I lied.
I dream of crimson, poisoned lips,
to reach beyond divide.
The feeling's all out of me,
God knows, I tried.
I come across the nothing,
nothing's fine to me.
Gladly, I'll take nothing,
if sin shall supercede.
I only hold my nothing,
but nothing holds me.
I set my wings to the ring,
and dream of destiny.
There's no way under/over Hell,
a secret I tell to you.
Never look back when doing well,
pass right on through.
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self.depression
|
How to stop telling myself that I'm gonna die every few seconds ? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Please help. Before you read this, please understand that I am not trolling or exaggerating. I seriously don’t know what to do.
Ever since I was young, I have had awkward or strange daydreams. Once I thought I was a god, teeth falling out of my mouth, being chased by bear, et cetera. These weren’t always negative though, mostly positive. But these always only had me being affected-but recently (as in the last 3-5 years) not so much.
In third grade, my cousin killed himself and my mind created an elaborate story that he murdered someone exactly like him, and ran away. He was eventually caught and sent to prison. So we just never talked about him. Eventually I grew out of this, but his suicide manifested into a large part of my worldview. Death did not only effect people, but was okay.
Since then, these daydreams have become extremely violent. Hanging, stoning, suicide, murder, bullying, mob violence, great sadness, and more have become normal for these when I am in a negative mood.
If it’s happening to me, I accept it in tears. If it’s happening to someone else, I laugh and enjoy their misery. Is this normal. I really hope this is me just overthinking and trying to create problems that aren’t actually problems. I know I do that I’m sorry.
When I’m in these moods I generally do you feel like I could actually do these or I/they deserve it. I shake and laugh out loud and have a deathly smile. I understand how horrible this is during the day dream, but I can only laugh and enjoy the show.
Hahahahaha. I should just shut up, and fucking slit my throat. Hahahahaha.
I remember in eighth grade I had one where I killed myself and watching on my friends and family cry made me so happy and laugh so hard. I wanted to drown myself so much in the toilet like the shit I am.
And just tonight, just before I decide to write this, I had one where, ha ha, I thought it be funny to try to hack all my friends and enemies and freak them the fuck out. And give subtle clues to where and went I would kill myself after I was done with all this. Then jump off the bridge into the river, leaving a fascinating story for people to uncover and leaving everyone feeling scarred. So beautiful.
I imagined ruining a friendship between two people I’m jealous are so happy together. And I hoped in that fantasy that one of my friends would kill herself. Imagining all the blood come out of her neck made me laugh so hard I couldn’t stop. And imagining her best friend trying to get her to wake up with all the light faded out of her eyes, so hilarious!
This is really messed up isn’t it?
TL;DR: i’ve been having really fucked up thoughts recently. I’m OK at the moment.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
There was a really fit girl looking at me at the gym today. And like, I'm never sure if people are looking at me because I'm weird or because they're interested. And since she just ended up leaving, it's likely the former. But even if she was interested, I probably would've been too afraid to approach her. I just wish I was normal so I could just reciprocate any kind of attention.
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self.depression
|
i just be lit and sad at the same time it’s my bday so i popped xanax, Valium, and smoked a few blunts and im still sad as fuck lol. at least my body feels good
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self.depression
|
I accidentally toured the new apt building my ex boyfriend and his new gf live in [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Depressed men have the fastest growing facial hair ever. This is a fact! I only shaved the other day yet people think I have a week or twos growth? Wtf idk why my beard grows so fast...
|
self.depression
|
Cold/flu and anxiety Hey, I'm just going through my first several days of cold symptoms being at their worst, and it's always such a stressful time as it always triggers my anxiety, where I feel sensitive to every ache and uncomfort, and difficulty sleeping.
Anyone else gets anxiety triggers when their immune system is down? How do you help yourself to feel better?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I want to end it all I feel constantly exhausted. I was doing okay, I was getting over my ex. Then he comes back and acts as thought he still loves me and wants me, which I stupidly bought into. I found out he's been having loads of one night stands. I found this out after I had sex with him. Then he told me he wasn't interested in us getting back together.
I feel disgusting. I was sexually abused and this has just brought it all back. I feel worthless. All anyone ever wants from me is sex. He was the person who made me feel safe and cared about for so long and now this. I'm just one of many people he felt like fucking. I don't want to live life as me with all the experiences I've had. I just don't want to.
|
self.offmychest
|
Just venting Been stressing out about some things lately. At night especially is hard because my wife makes excuses not to cuddle with me and it gets in my head so much.
she hooked up with a guy and i just am going crazy about it. I found the guy and i just want to go kick his ass.
my wife and i are trying to work things out but i jsut cant get past it. To be clear it was only making out but it was right in front of me. I can't get it out of my head. I'm going crazy and just wanna kill this guy.
|
self.bipolar
|
I feel ugly, and it makes me feel like I have less value as a person. I deal with body dysmorphia. Not that the things I see don't exist, but I realize that I obsess over my appearance more than most people do.
I find myself hideous. My face slants. It's fucked up that I couldn't just have a normal face. Doesn't have to be gorgeous. But I mean, my whole fucking face slants to the side. Logically, I know that people probably don't care. But I constantly think about when I am talking to people. I see it. I obsess over plastic surgery. I obsess over ways to make it less noticeable. It's going to cost around $20-30,000 if I want to fix it. Part of the problem is I have a cross under bite. So it makes my jaw slant to the left. But then I have a droopy eye. Which looks more apparent because of the slanted jaw. If I want to get the eye fixed that's around $3-5000. Even my fucking ears are slanted. My face looks like I had bell's palsy, but without the complete loss of muscle movement in the side of my face.
These things aren't in my head. I wish I had full on body dysmorphia where I just see things that aren't real. I've posted on /r/rateme and people have pointed out exactly the things I see. When I was a kid and got my ears pierced at the mall, they said they normally would pierce one ear a little higher and the other a little lower to make them look symmetrical. However, my ears are so crooked that they couldn't even do that. You can't even surgically fix crooked ears. Today I went and got botox, and the lady recommended that I get microblading for my eyebrows because it would make my eye look less droopy. Which of course I'm going to do (but not with her), because if I can make myself look less crooked for a couple hundred bucks then yes I'm going to do it. Beats the several thousand.
My family thinks I'm vain. Which I guess I am. But you know, that's pretty freaking easy for them to say. Somehow I was the only one born with a half smashed face. I'm the ugly duckling. But I'm superficial because I want to get work done to make myself look normal.
I understand that I'm being shallow. Of course people still will talk to me even if I'm ugly. I'm great at making friends. But you know what I'm not good at? Getting guys I love to stay. They move on to much prettier girls. I'm the girl they date while they have low self-esteem. I have a nice body. I'm the girl they want to hit and quit. You bang the body, but you marry for the face.
I just don't think I'll be at peace in my head until I get the surgeries done. But I can't afford them. Sure, you'll probably tell me that it won't make me happy. I call bull shit. When I was younger, I had an eating disorder. I hated my body. I hated my thighs and wanted that coveted thigh gap. Now, years later, I work out, and like I said, I have a good body with curves. But I also now have that coveted thigh gap. And you know what? I fucking love it. It makes me feel good that I can stand with my feet together and my thighs don't touch. Dumb that I put so much value on it? Yeah, probably. But it rings true that if I fixed my other physical flaws that it would make me feel better too.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Just met a girl who threw me and couldn’t keep it light and humorous I wish I could’ve just said “I like what you’ve done with the hair” to the store clerk. She’s incidentally the same girl I drunkenly tried to pick up at McDonald’s last year. She used to be blonde. It’s not that I got rejected that embarrasses me about the situation, it’s that it would’ve been such a dishonest thing to say. I’m depressed and I’ve pretty much hit rock bottom. My state of mind is almost never relaxed and tongue-in-cheek. Not anymore.
I’d just like to figure out who I fucking am before I feel ready for that stuff. It just sucks that I’m too afraid to be my best. Too scared it’s not good enough and that I will be judged. I also have a double life where I have to pretend the other half doesn’t exist to everyone but my friends. My friends suffer from mental illnesses too. Some are into drugs. Some are criminals. My best friend, the yang to my yin, the most relatable guy in the world is locked up and won’t be out for 2 years. Shit, I have no one to talk to anymore. He’s been under full restriction for almost a month and now our communication is limited to letters. Scrutinised letters. Fuck!
|
self.offmychest
|
Alone, sad, unloved & unwanted ... I’ve battled depression my entire life and somehow always ended up on top, until now. I just can’t do it anymore because I have no ambition or want to live anymore. Unfortunately I’m too much of a coward to actually kill my self so I just spend all day alone in my apartment lying in bed. I have no family and the few friends I had I cut ties with because I’m so fucked up I would ultimately end up hurting them. Everyone always says family is there for you no matter what, that is unless you have mental health issues and you’re gay - maybe that’s just my family. I’ve felt so unloved for so long I don’t even know what Love means anymore. I want it all to end so badly .... I prey every night before I go to bed that I will die in my sleep.
|
self.depression
|
Banned on tinder right after transitioning MtF Tinder, my god how I went from so happy using you to hating your guts. I began transitioning from a guy to a girl this month and made a new profile as I no longer wanted to use my male name.
No more than 4 days messaging a few cool people, who shared some of the most interesting and unique hobbies as me and was about to meet up, all messages stop and I get banned... I even paid $15 for tinder gold yesterday. What on earth is this BS they are pulling.
So anyways I am freaking out right now since it happened MID conversation with like 7 people and one of them texted me asking me if I unmatched them today since I don't exist anymore. Just pissed and felt like I needed to rant.
|
self.offmychest
|
Don't feel like mending relationships I destroyed during a mixed epsiode... I was mean but the episode traumatized me and I have to take care of myself [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
The reason people don't open up is because of others reaction. "Just be more positive, you're too negative about everything"
"It'll get better later, just think about that"
"Well change something if you're not happy"
|
self.depression
|
the subway does something to me I know that if I jump that’ll be the end of it all, but i️ think of the people who might hurt if I did and then I back up. then I blame myself for living like this when I could’ve ended it already. i’m a mess.
|
self.depression
|
Even in my worst depressive episode, I'm thankful it's not an anxiety attack.
|
self.Anxiety
|
This week my girlfriend broke up with me, I lost my job and I found out my dog has cancer I can't even say anything
|
self.depression
|
Portion of writing from tonight Silence kills me.
Silence leaves so much room for noise.
For my thoughts and perceptions and
definitions
to words unspoken
to be defined in a
vague and inconsistent
fog.
You abandon me with my silent
thoughts
And expect me to jump when you return
|
self.bipolar
|
Can’t fucking sleep The worst part about having a shitty life is remembering when things were good. It’s like a deep pain in your chest, worse than any physical pain. Nothing you can do can get rid of it. It’s the fucking worst, worse than just being sad. I’ve been laying in bed for the past three fucking hours and I can’t sleep because of this deep pain. I can’t stop thinking about when things were good and all the shitty decisions I made to prevent myself from being happy.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Hallucination? Hi. I told my dr that I’ve woken up to a black figure. It looks like a person but pitch black. I only see the figure of a person. Twice it had been crouched down on my side of the bed. At least twice, it was standing on my husband’s side of the bed. It terrifies me. My dr asked me if I was having nightmares and I said yeah and told her about this figure and she called it a hallucination. I don’t think it is though! I know it sounds weird but I still don’t think so. What do you think?
|
self.bipolar
|
Psychomotor agitation So have any of y'all experienced psychomotor agitation?
I am having trouble with it right now, since I think I am going into hypomania. I've been feeling like I'm going "up" for a week now, but trying to fight it. I just have an intense need to pace around or just be constantly moving (ex. leg tapping, lip chewing). Additionally, when I feel uncomfortable due to intrusive thoughts (and sometimes for no reason at all) I feel the need to just move or focus my attention on something else. For example, earlier today in the car with my mom, I felt the need to look away from outside the car and so I looked over at my dog (luckily he was there or it would have been weird). But when I turned my head to look at him in the backseat, it wasn't planned, and it was very much "out of no where" and a jerky kind of motion. These are motions that I can't control. Luckily, if my dog is with me then I can just focus on him real quick and rub his head or something. But when he isn't around then it's pretty weird. I guess I'm just worried. I don't know what to do or if this is normal... I've read that psychomotor agitation is pretty common in bipolar though, which is why I'm reach out to y'all (I have BPII). Could anyone share their experience with me? And what they have done to help out? Is it more common when in hypomania/mania/mixed states for you?
|
self.bipolar
|
I give up. Failed I just want to wipe my hands clean of the bare minimum responsibility for my existence. It's so fucking simple. It's very much laughable. Take my organs! Please! Lol It's more than a fair deal! Consider the alternative! It's so stupid. I'm stupid. Society's stupid.
I don't endorse people taking their lives. This eyeblink of existence is all we have. It's literally a miracle each one of us is conscious. But for the same reason I shouldn't become waste through inaction. It's the best I can do.
|
self.depression
|
Just generally feeling like you're out of stuff to do Ya know I'm not really depressed or anything, its just that I've come to the realization that what I want out of life is not entirely obtainable, and the bits that technically are, are such long term goals that realistically I'm not going to achieve them.
Its like, there is a way in life where I would be content but I know for certain there is no chance of me getting there. Not just "oh no, ill never have the nice house and fast car" but that its legit not possible.
For the past few years I feel the only reason I even wake up is because I can't actually sleep anymore. Everything I do is a distraction. I got a job and it ate some time, I built a PC and it ate some time, I got into retro PC restorations and that ate some time. But its really just filling in gaps.
I lost my first job when I moved, got another, lost that one, got another, and it was when I was working for minimum wage that I realized that my dream wasnt obtainable, and that I was going to be stuck in this cycle of working for next to nothing, and trying to burn time with entertainment for the rest of my life.
And ive been told that everyone does that, and everyone just accepts it and sinks into medicority, but that's not good enough for me. I don't want a two bedroom apartment and a used car god dammit, why would I just accept that? How do people wake up in the morning in a cookie cutter house with a minivan and 2.5 kids and think "its not what I wanted but its nice".
Now I've just given up, I'm taking whatever happens as it is. All I do anymore is play videogames and jerk off to pass time, if I go homeless, fine, if I starve and die, fine. I don't want to settle for a life I don't want.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
FUCK THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLANET It wasn't enough to be chronically unemployed for 7 months with no hope of finding work. It wasn't enough to fail at every single fucking thing I do as life kicks me in the balls repeatedly. It's not enough to be completely fucking alone all the time. It's not enough for me to get closer to becoming homeless EVERY SINGLE DAY.
No, fucking landlords have to swoop in and charge me their bull fucking shit late fee EVEN THOUGH I PAID THE FUCKING RENT ON TIME, YOU GOD DAMN LYING ROBBING PIECES OF SHIT!
Every single last thing has just fucked me right in the ass for the last year straight, and now these fucking scum sucking vultures come and try to nickel and dime me for everything I have left. FUCK THEM!
Fuck this planet. I really do feel like I'm done because I can't take this shit anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Starting the New Year off with being in a fight with the husband. Yippie I am also 18 weeks pregnant, so I can't drink the night away. If you are out there drinking responsibly, have a shot/drink for me.
Be safe everyone!
|
self.offmychest
|
Does anyone know if this form of anxiety has some sort of name or label? I have depression and am on prazosin for frequent nightmares. Since about 2.5 years ago, I've occasionally had a strange unprovoked form of anxiety that lasts for several hours where I basically feel like an assailant is in the immediate vicinity and about to attack me even though I know 100% that I am home alone. The closest thing I can compare it to is when you watched a scary movie in the evening as a child and then every dark room and unlit hallway becomes super scary even though you know and try to tell yourself there's nothing there to be afraid of. It's very similar to this but just far more extreme, more like what would be proportionate to if one had some reasonable evidence of an predator actively hunting them. The fear also seems to be almost fully immune to all the knowledge that the rational part of my brain can assert to myself about my safety.
During these episodes I:
- need to turn every light on in my home, even if I'm just going to lock myself in the bedroom
- am very easily super startled
- am constantly surveying around myself for an invader to the point where it's impractically slow for me to do anything using my hands (such as washing the dishes) as I can't spare enough time to glance downward at them
- am frequently having those brief hallucinations where, for a split second, you mistake something like a coat rack for an intruder or a very small object for a spider
I try to stay as calm as possible but I always end up finding it impossible to go about my day normally without accidentally letting out too many startle response screams that could potentially disturb the neighbors. I always end up hiding in bed and focusing on not thinking about the absurd concept of my bed, the only thing in my room that's behind my back and not in my full field of vision, is somehow harboring an unexplainable and furious assailant.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I've been trying to get help for a while, but no one will help you until you're actually in crisis. Then, they'll thrown you in some facility for a few days or weeks, and then send you right back out with all of your same problems, plus some new medical debt. I'm not quite there yet, but I expect to be evicted soon. Debt and such are some of my biggest problems. Shit - as soon as they cut my internet off, I think that'll be it. It's weird how much Netflix has become my primary form of self-medication. It's as real as anything, but it sounds so dumb - it's not just a luxury - it's one of the only things that's kept me going.
And typing that, I can read the summation of my life now, "Man Commits Suicide Because He Loses Internet and Netflix." That's how cruel people are.
Human lives are just jokes to, well, most people.
And as my family is handing a check for thousands of dollars to the funeral home director, they'll tell each other that they did everything they could, despite their refusals to help.
Fuck those people.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Leo Tolstoy quote about depression which really speaks to me One can live only so long as one is intoxicated, drunk with life; but when one grows sober one cannot fail to see that it is all a stupid cheat.
I'm just like that. Right now not completely. Somehow I started enjoying life through learning, communication and self-expression. Feels weird af. But no matter what I do there are those times where I slide into nothingness and it's fucked up. I get sober to the fullest. And without feelings it's like you cease being a human.
|
self.depression
|
In a depression, parents are in town, can’t help being a bitch Title is pretty self explanatory but I’m just so over it. My mom is worried about me and just wants to touch me and hug me and I just hate being touched when I don’t feel well. She asks me all day if I’m okay and it’s grating on my nerves. I know she’s just worried but I’m so fucking tired of having to try to suck it up and be okay for them. I just want to work through my depression by myself. I’m tired of being smothered. What the hell do I do? I’ve tried telling her to stop touching me but she’s here another week. I’ll fucking die if I have to keep dealing with this.
|
self.bipolar
|
Home for winter break. 1st day home and I'm already feeling bored and not happy. I'm just staying home doing nothing. I don't have too many friends and all the friends that I do have live too far away for me to actually do anything with them. I just spent the last fucking hour sitting on the couch scrolling through reddit and wallowing on how pathetic this is. I can't even play my video games to keep my mind away for a few moments because I couldn't bring back my desktop from my dorm. I should be happy that finals and fall quarter are done, but I'm just sad and empty. I'm missing all my suitemates and I actually miss doing homework. Yeah, homework. At least it made me feel like I was doing something productive. I am literally waiting for school to start again so I can feel complete.
The worst thing in my mind is the girl that I can't stop thinking about. She was the other passenger in the car that took me home. I learned that we went to the same middle school, but we never talked. Surprisingly, we even had one class together in college. Eventually, we just talked for the whole two hours until we were dropped off. At that point, I realized that I was actually into her. Unfortunately, I'm probably never going to meet her again. I can't just randomly add her on facebook and start chatting without looking like some fucking creep from middle school. I don't know any of her classes for next quarter so I don't think I'll run into her again. I don't know if anyone else gets it, but I get split-second stomachaches whenever I think about her.
I still kinda feel like a loser about all this, but I think getting this shit out my head should help for now.
|
self.offmychest
|
What's the point of living if people won't try to be understanding [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What's the point of going on? I can't see a point. I've failed 4 classes (in this school year) so far. All I do is watch porn and play video games my life is meaningless and useless to everyone. I have no friends I've just been painted as the ugly, fat, and emo kid. I don't contribute to my ROTC platoon I just make everything worse for them. I'm bullied a lot. My family hates me. I just don't see a point of going on in my life.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'd love to express myself and get everything out but I don't have a clue what I'm actually feeling or what I want to say. It's just so frustrating and I feel as though talking would help but I don't even know if there is actually anything to say.
EDIT: I just wanted to say that I didn't expect anything from this but everyone has been so supportive and I appreciate it so much
|
self.depression
|
Smother me I'm so down and lonely. I don't like myself, I'm not a bad looking dude, I'm just a grade A fuck up. I tried killing my self the other day and I stopped because of stupid shit. I just don't want to feel this way or think this way. Please annoy me with comments, dms, or anything.
|
self.depression
|
College is miserable. I'm here to /vent because Im not sure who else to rant to.
College is awfully lonely. I'm nearly done with my first year here. I have met a thousand people, and I haven't developed any close friends. Half the guys I meet are retarded and half the girls are whores. Everyone drinks. Everyone treats it like pleasure island, where they fuck, drink, do drugs, and smoke. It's just not for me.
Or maybe I'm just jealous because I'm not cool enough to do it.
I guess I feel very lonely. I'm not sure what I can do to socialize, and I'm not even sure how to socialize or if I have the energy to socialize in a way that doesn't make me awkward.
also it sucks because I know one guy who I'd like to be friends with but not sure how to befriend him. we've hung out before and get along great but not sure how to get beyond politeness.
Anyways, ramble over. Point is, I feel alone and it makes me want to kill myself.
|
self.depression
|
Trying to finish an essay tonight that was due two days ago. Wish me luck? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Since we have all these Hollywood exposures of rapists, can we please create some media attention on Amy Schumer? Amy Schumer openly, in a speech about becoming self-confident, admits to having sex with a guy so drunk that he was passing out and couldn't get it up during the act. She is met with applause and women-empowering banter from fans, saying that her speech was inspirational. It is a load of horseshit it is. This women is not funny, steals jokes, and constantly jokes about her vagina and it is not funny.
|
self.offmychest
|
I know how irrational it is to care as much as i do about what others think of me, but i do anyway I recently did something very bold for an organization that im part of. It was a great thing for the club and a lot of people really appreciate the work I've done to make it happen, but I've also made an enemy. My school is small and I'm afraid this person is going to talk about me behind my back and make people hate me.
When I read this, I know how paranoid and absurd it sounds. Its ridiculous to let this insignificant person (who's a real assole anyway) to control my self-esteem this much, but I can't help it. Many people are on my side and I have friends to talk to about it but the idea of this person disliking me and talking about me makes me want to cry.
|
self.Anxiety
|
IBS and psychiatric medication? i'm in the process of being diagnosed with (probably) IBS. I find one of my triggers was Latuda and Lithium. my psychiatrist is trying to find something that doesn't give me stomach pain, and my GP is trying to find why I'm getting stomach pain.
anyone have experience with this?
|
self.bipolar
|
I need help, I don't know what is happening to me. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Is death better for certain situations? Hello, this doesn't pertain to me but rather to one of my other friends. For this thread we can call her Chey.
She lives in a deeply religious society, like Amish but they are allowed to use technology (Mennonite I think). She has always wanted to move forward and go to college one day to study photography, but her family gets in the way of that. They do not support her interests because they believe a woman exists only to serve a man and have children. To them her not wanting to get married is against their culture and isn't allowed.
This friction leads her to struggle with her family and they have been negligent and occasionally emotinally abusive. Her family and friends are all part of the same church and she has no one to go to for help, becayse they believe if you are in touch with god you can't be sad. When she tried to talk to her family and friends they ignore her. They are all she has and her parents won't let her see a therapist because they believe depression isn't real.
She struggles with cutting herself and suicide every day because no one is willing to help with her issues. She cannot leave their society and church when she grows older because they are all home schooled and she isn't taught everything she needs to know to live on her own in society, away from her church. Even if she did learn, everyone she knows would disown her and never speak to her again (they did this to her brother) so she is effectively stuck in her situation, living with her parents who bring her down everyday. She isn't even allowed to move out unless she gets married (something she doesn't want to do)
With all this put together, her situation seems hopeless. How do you get through all this and leave their society? How cab she live alone with no guidance, family or friends (except me)? She thiinks about death every day, and I'm running out of reasons why she should stay alive. She'll be in pain every day regardless of the choice she makes.
So people of Reddit, do you believe this is a valid opinion? In not, how else can I help her?
Thanks a ton.
|
self.depression
|
My dad found out I was cutting myself. He laughed. I also told him I was depressed. He told me I had absolutely no reason to be so, as I had such an amazing life and all that, but the best part was when he told me that maybe he should have been an abusive parent so then i would have something to worry about instead of being depressed out of boredom. This is coming from my father, the man whom I've held in high regard and trusted all my life. What a fucking joke.
|
self.depression
|
I think 24/7 about suicide i really wanne kill my self atm and its so fucking random.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What is your go to subreddit when you just want to chill out? I usually find myself going in /r/Currentlytripping I don't do drugs but I find watching some of the videos they posts really relaxing. Does anyone share similar ways to relief?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Off to Sleep Again My mom saw my newest cut lately and she panicked about it (it is covered by a band aid when she saw it). But I quickly got away with it saying that my cat just scratched me accidentally. And I feel so horrible blaming such thing to my cat. Guess I need to be more careful next time.
And now I'm off to sleep again. Got to close my eyes for another busy day tomorrow. And it just feels heavier each day for me to go on living. Faking my emotions every time just because I've got used to it. I just hope that no one bothers me tomorrow at school. Well, good night to all of you.
|
self.depression
|
I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up ending it all next year... I don't see any point in living, I have nothing going for me in my life. My family are pretty poor, I'm in college but barely, chances are im going to fail out anyway.
I keep telling myself that my life will get better, that I won't fail out of college (even though right now it's 95% certain I will), that I'll make friends someday, that I'll find a girl who loves me...
Academically I'm pretty bad, not the worst, but it's pretty clear to me now that I'm in no way "gifted" and I'm not going to do anything to change the world.
I don't have any friends, the only people I talk to in college are my housemates and their friends, and if they weren't forced to live with me I don't think they'd bother with me.
Romantically I'm even worse, 19 and I'm still a virgin, never hard a girlfriend and never even kissed a girl. Almost everyone I know has had at least some kind of romantic relationship, but not me.
I'm ugly, I know I'm ugly. I have bad teeth, can't grow a beard, and to top it all off I'm short and skinny (5'7 130lbs) which no girl finds attractive. I'm also horribly socially awkward, shy and introverted. So if someone did overlook everything else they would still quickly lose interest in me.
I figure since I'm probably going to die a virgin living off food stamps why bother living out the rest of my life. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I don't want to upset my family.
I have honestly considered joining the army for the sole fact that there's a chance I might die and at least then my family might think of me as someone who was fighting for his country instead of a depressed loser who just wanted to kill himself.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I think I might have depression and I just need to vent. Sorry for the wall if text. I've been denying my issues and this has been a long time coming.
I can't focus on much of anything, and even when I'm doing things I normally like, I just end up feeling sad because I could be doing something else but if I do that I just feel the same way in reverse. Even things I really love to do just make me slightly less sad for a little while. I have a hard time getting up in the morning because I just think of everything about my day to day routine that I hate. My classes are stagnating and I keep turning in assignments late in one class because I just can't bring myself to work on them. I feel like a failure, even though I know I'm doing well outside of that one class, and I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing worthwhile. I feel like nothing I'm doing is right for me and I'm just unable to put into words exactly why.
I can't talk to anyone about it either, because my parents have demonstrated that they just don't understand the concept of being unable to not feel depressed with comments they've made (not to him, thank God) about a mutual friend who has actually diagnosed depression. My brother is too self-absorbed to care and is just generally not someone I trust to be kind to people in distress. I also don't feel like I can trust my closest friends with my feelings since their mother has them trained to more or less tell her everything and I'm pretty sure their mother has some form of empathy disorder and I'm afraid she would tell my parents just out of spite. I am feeling so alone, and every time I even try to hint to my parents that I'm feeling depressed they basically just tell me to suck it up and that that's just the real world.
I'm disillusioned with the "real world" in general, and I sometimes fantasize about just leaving everything behind and becoming a hermit, but even the thought of that just makes me more sad because I know it would hurt my family and despite their problems I still love them.
I never think about suicide, since that wouldn't solve anything and would just hurt others, though I often think about how if I could travel back in time I would gladly retcon myself out of existence.
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone relate to this? Whenever I'm happy or at least distracted enough i somehow find myself thinking about how depressed i was, how much i wanted to die and i begin to question if i was just faking it.
I've been told so many times that I'm just faking my sadness for attention but the agony that i feel sometimes, that is something i would never wish upon anyone. Although when I'm happy i just feel like a fake like I'm lying to myself which makes me feel horrible like i shouldn't be happy
I feel really selfish writing this i just wondered if anyone else feels like this. Sorry for the lack of structure just really wanted to get it
|
self.depression
|
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