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Today feels hard (venting) After a couple of days of really checking my anxiety at the door and working on myself , it really creeped back again last night .
Someone wanted me to lie for them. At first , I was ok with it but then realized shortly after that it wasn’t a good idea. I know it sounds small but so many people in my life pressure me to do things for them. I’ve been working on saying “NO!” But this time it came after the fact. I told her to not go through with it via text message. I’ve been filled with guilt and anxiety all day. I’ve worked so hard to get to a good place and not have to be a liar or a fake.
I’ve learned from this that people will try to drag you with them or pressure you to do things. I have a responsibility to myself to stand up and say No.
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self.Anxiety
|
Alone on New Year’s Eve. Not even to plan celebrating the new year together will my boyfriend answer his phone. I texted him early this morning and called him twice this evening, and... nothing. Not one word.
I guess I should be used to it by now, but somehow I still have hope.
So instead I’m lying in bed with my cat, listening to fireworks, and crying my eyes out.
Happy new year.
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self.offmychest
|
It hurts most when someone you enjoy spending time with doesn't even bother to try and tolerate you. I was handing out candy today to everyone in my building to be nice and I stopped for a few minutes to talk to a friend. A girl I really like lives right across the hall from him and when she was walking back to her room, I offered her some chocolate. She replied with a terse "no", gave me a "what do you want" look and then went back inside. Thing is, we've had some great chats in the past before, it just seems like she suddenly hates me now, and I just can't help wondering what I did wrong. A wave of sadness just came over me because I just felt so useless. Even if you offered something to a stranger, they'd at least say "I'm good, but thanks for offering" and give you some type of polite smile. I mean, most of the time people just pretend you don't exist but when someone treats you more coldly than they'd treat a stranger...it hurts just a little bit more.
|
self.depression
|
Do you have any tips about caring about important things when depressed? Because I can't seem to care about anything... Most people that I know seem to really not care about much when they are depressed, however, some people are able to get through, at least, the things they HAVE to do such as work.
However I can't even find the strength to want to go to work in the morning. It took everything in my power to go yesterday and today I don't think I can get myself up to it.
Just curious if anyone here has any advice or tips that get you through the important stuff daily because I am struggling, bad, now...
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self.depression
|
This sub-reddit is wonderful I have panic attacks, depression, and situational anxiety (this flared after my Mom died), I came here in the middle of panicky thoughts about crumbling world and society.
I read other posts and was able to give support and advice (which I hope was helpful), and got my head out of that bad cycle.
It sucks that I have a crazy brain, but I am glad to know I am not alone. My hubby has no idea why my brain acts the way it does, so it's great to talk to other who "get it".
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m done torturing myself by living, I’m going to end my life soon. I’m so done with people in this world, everyone is a complete asshole. I’m lonely and done living my life of lies. I’m a freshman in college and basically done with putting up with the same problems I’ve had my entire life. To start, I lack any relation with a women. I feel disgusted at myself for the past 5 days straight of going to a bar and getting trashed with random women. I basically don’t know where to start.
I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for the entire year but they have only gotten worse as of now. Coming back from break I was look forward to the start of a new semester and being able to forget everything. There was a cute girl who I took to a date party, we had a lot in interest and after I got her number and said we would go to dinner sometime. Never happened, ran into her at the bar and she didn’t even know who I was. Then comes my roommate. Who I’ll just call Mat for reason.
Jesus he makes me feel like shit, just like everyone else. I do so much for them and I get treated like trash. He constantly brings up the fact of his “70” body count and other shit. Fucker never had parents that said no to him, so when I say stuff like hey that’s kinda wrong I just get yelled at. He basically pisses me off but doesn’t at the same time. It’s a hard to explain situation. I can relate to what happened Thursday when we went to the bar. I was supposed to be the DD but then who introduced me to some girl who was all over me and dragged me back to her dorm. I was yelled at for leaving him when he did the same thing and not having sex with her even though we were both drunk. I have morals and I’m too nice. I guess most college girls don’t care or give a fuck about that.
After that I just keep doing the same thing, spending money on alcohol getting drunk and meeting women. Yet I don’t care about having sex with them, it is nice but I want someone who I can actually have a relationship with. Then I look at mat and see his “girlfriend”, I say it like that because he basically will 2 face people and use them just to have sex and it disgusts me to see him now acting all loving on this girl when then night before and that week he was having sex with other girls. I don’t understand what they see in him, I honestly feel like I’m more attractive and I’m in good shape in comparison to him. Yet, no one seems to care about the nice guy who will buy you dinner or help you with stuff. I’m just tossed aside like I don’t exist. That what I feel like, I don’t exist.
He sits there a downplays me, oh your BMW is shit to my Moded mustang. Sorry I have a military father who was strike unlike your parents who just give you everything. He knows about how I have “issues” with my father from when I was very drunk and had a emotional break down and said everything. I normally never tell anyone anything. I just keep it in and act like it’s fine.
So I’m just done with this, Being lonely and no love on top of the stress that I have on me from school. I have always made all A’s and are expect to. I doing Bio premed but I feel like I’m going to fail. I won’t make it to med school or get anywhere even though I got a 3.7 last semester. The what, I am a failure in my dad’s eyes and will never live up to what he did. He can be there supporting me but the next minute dragging and putting me down.
I really don’t know what to do, religion is another problem. I was raised Christian and told about god and all the things he does. But how can a god let me suffer? A world that suffers, how do I know a god exists? So if I die that’s it, I no longer function and I’m just a faded memory I guess.
I’m probably going to drive down to my grandparents house to use my rifle I keep there to kill myself. I don’t know when but at this rate it will be soon.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Women and Society So much of our society values women based on whom she is married to.
Women, such as Hillary Clinton, who has made her own career, and is a sort of modern matriarch, who probably was the woman behind the man, are few are far in between. In our society, a woman seems to be valued because of whom she is married to. Recent events regarding all the sexual harassment cases in VC, the entertainment world, et al, were of no surprise to me, because I witnessed most of those things firsthand having lived in California all my life.
Then I think of all the other successful women we have been inculcated with in the media, and I wonder if they had slept with men to quick start their careers? Questions run through my mind: did Sheryl Sandberg sleep with her professor to begin her work in govt? Did Marissa Mayer only become CEO because she had been dating one of the founders at Google during the early internet years? Even at the turn of the century, if we examine icons like Coco Chanel, she basically built her brand because she was having an affair with the Duke of Westminster, who was at the time, the richest man in the world. Melissa Gates is only important because of Bill, who helped change her life and pull her out from poverty. No one would know who Pricilla Chan was if it weren't for Mark Zuckerberg. If you run through a list of all the powerful women in the world, how many of them got to where they were because they were either married to a man who helped them in their careers or they had slept with someone who did the same?
In our society, self-made women are rare. There are many self-made men, men like my father, but the self-made women do not exist. Women who are respected in our society are respected oftentimes because of the more important man whom they married, and this is a contradiction about our society during a time of the #MeToo movement.
I've always been very careful around powerful men because they're the type you don't want to burn a bridge with, at the same time, you don't want to get too close to them or lead them to think you are willing to have a relationship with them for the sake of your career.
My career is important to me, but I value my integrity more. I value myself more. Love is important to me, and I want to make my own way in my career, yet men refuse to help you unless they have some romantic interest in you. This is why I'll never be a Marissa Mayer or Coco Chanel, but I have made peace with that. I am OK being me. I am OK being ordinary because I didn't sell my body and soul to do it.
The capitalistic world was set up for men to win-win and for women to be always be second. A woman is only important as the man she marries, or who she is sleeping with and this is why I dislike the culture of the United States.
On another note, there is a woman who has been a long time mistress, FWB to some powerful guy. Everyone is aware of their relationship but we don't speak about it. He basically kept her a secret for many years and never wanted to be seen in public with her. Although she is promiscuous and regularly sleeps with these married men, I actually don't think she is a bad person underneath. She had a terrible, abusive childhood, an absent father, and a verbally abusive mother. The way she relates to men is through sex, using her sexuality to receive favors, gifts and jobs. However, she actually has a funny sense of humor and she can be warm and engaging. I noticed this year that she finally got a boyfriend. She is smiling in all her photos, and she is absolutely beaming with happiness and pride. Her boyfriend is a guy who is proud to hold her hand in public, to introduce her as his partner to all his friends and take her to spend the holidays together with his family. She looks so happy to finally have that kind of boyfriend who accepts wholeheartedly who is she, and who is proud to be seen with her, to announce to the world that she is his. She finally met someone who doesn't use her as an afterthought, someone to keep him emotionally and sexually occupied while lying to his wife all the time.
And you know what? I'm happy for her.
|
self.offmychest
|
Why do I have such bad outbursts? Like seriously I can just be driving and I'll have a breakdown and start crying. On Friday I was cleaning at work and I was getting really frustrated because I was extremely tired. I was trying so hard not to cry. Then I came home very angry and had a really bad outburst at my boyfriend.
Like for real what is wrong with me?
|
self.depression
|
Doctor said I most likely have Bipolar II and ADHD? Help? Advice? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
I went threw high school with two large knots on my forehead. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
For all the "you're average"rs towards me; I got bullied on the internet for my looks now. Enough said. [\(what i look like\)](https://imgur.com/a/FGuQM)
Every askreddit thread: what's the most unattractive feature in a man - the answer is always [receding chin](https://i.imgur.com/SE9jxxp.jpg)
https://imgur.com/a/Z8JQt
There you go.
It's happened online. It's happened in real life too. The main difference is that online people aren't afraid to tell you what they think of you, so the real truth comes out.
Nobody ever notices my recessed chin right?
https://i.imgur.com/DSRozvi.png
--------------
So, basically I am asking you a question seriously, /r/ForeverAlone.
[If I am not ugly](https://i.imgur.com/odguyWU.png), why does everyone say I am?
Thank you.
-------------
[
And](https://np.reddit.com/r/ForeverAlone/comments/7p9onm/for_all_the_youre_averagers_towards_me_i_got/dsfkq1a/)
sometimes
[people](https://np.reddit.com/r/ForeverAlone/comments/7p9onm/for_all_the_youre_averagers_towards_me_i_got/dsfkxx2/)
actually
[
fucking](https://np.reddit.com/r/ForeverAlone/comments/7p9onm/for_all_the_youre_averagers_towards_me_i_got/dsfjwa7/)
admit
it
|
self.depression
|
IOP has failed me. For years, I have battled depression. I have battled suicidal ideations. I thought to myself, hospitalization and IOP would do the trick. Would get me out of this state. However, I realized a few days ago, maybe a week, that IOP doesn't give a shit about me. They just care about my insurance copay.
I am tired. I realized that I will never get better. My life is shit. I don't care about my job, I am barely hanging on to my life in general. I am losing friends by the minute. Why the fuck does my life even matter?
I just wish I had a gun, a rope, something, to end this misery. That's what I am right now, miserable. Not just now, for the past week, I have been miserable. But, the fact of the matter is, I don't want to get better anymore. The only way people know how treat me is to hospitalize me or IOP me or PHP me etc... These solutions clearly don't solve the problem.
Maybe this is my farewell note to the world, I don't know. I just need an exit strategy that limits the fallout. I don't want to shoot myself because that's too nuclear. I wish there was a full proof way of OD'ing. That way my family (the last vestige of people who care) would be able to see me at peace.
I am Humpty Dumpty. Some things can't be repaired. Maybe that's OK and maybe that's why we have suicide.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I can no longer afford to see a counselor for my depression Last year my insurance was fantastic. I could go to any counselor in my network and I had zero copay. It was great.
I just got a new job this year which I'm happy about but my insurance is terrible. They won't pay for any of my counseling sessions until I pay a $1500 deductible first. After that, they will only pay 50% of the counselor's fee. Seeing a counselor now would cost me $500 a month. That's more than my car payment. I just can't afford to see a therapist anymore.
Is anybody else in the same boat? Any advice?
Thanks
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else answer ‘No’ to being asked if you’re suicidal or have had suicidal thoughts recently? Sorry if title is weird. It’s late and I’m typing this on my phone so I’m not very good at articulating.
Anyways some back-story: I’m 20F and have probably been suicidal since I was 16. I’ve been to a mental hospital once in high school and hated it, I went in for suicidal tendencies I guess, like I didn’t attempt suicide but I was afraid I would try something so I told my mom and she took me to a hospital which I was thankful for but at the same time it just wasn’t the best experience. I have a very supportive family especially my poor mother, just writing this out makes me cry because I put her through so much and she never asks for anything from me except that I live and I’m trying really hard just for her. Ugh okay back to my main point sorry.
Recently I’ve noticed that during my therapy appointments I find it easier to just say I’m not suicidal or have no suicidal thoughts, but this isn’t true at all. In fact I think my suicidal thoughts are returning at full force and there’s no one I can tell except strangers on the internet. I want to tell someone in my life what’s happening but I’m afraid I’ll get pulled out of college and referred to a mental hospital. This can’t happen again considering I took a year off for my mental health last year.
I really want to talk to my therapist about what’s going on but I’m really worried that as soon as I mention the thoughts she’ll pull me out, is that what happens? If I do tell her I’m struggling and suicidal can she really just snap her fingers and have me sent away?? I know she wouldn’t but I feel like I have to be careful with what I say. I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to leave college again, I just want to finish out the year that’s all I want.
Thank you for reading
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My mental health is leaving me drained and suicidal. I need advice? I feel so alone. My mental health has been hanging by a thread lately. I'm just tired of feeling dysfunctional and paralyzed. I have a hard time carrying out my thoughts properly, and I'm so frustrated with the constant screeching in my head. I've learned to silence the self-deprecating/destructive voices for the most part, but boy does it leave me exhausted. I haven't left my bed apart for when I've had to work, and even then, that's been such a struggle. Because of this, I've become a total flake. I don't hangout with my friends anymore (and even if I did, I hardly know who I would hangout with because my best friend moved away this summer, and my girlfriend and I do long distance during the school year while she's in uni - disclaimer, I see her once a month for 3-4 day periods), I don't keep in touch with my siblings who are quite literally my only family apart from my parents, and I haven't been going to school since last month because it got so overwhelming that I began having self-annihilative thoughts which scared me so much. What drives me insane is that beneath this foggy mind-mess, I'm sincerely happy. I have no toxic relationships, and I'm constantly in a safe space which I'm endlessly grateful for. The people in my life bring me so much joy, but my head never stops. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of this barely functioning mind. I'm so fucking tired. This isn't me. I just want to recover. I don't want to haunt myself anymore. I just want to be okay. To help, here are my diagnoses: ADD Anxiety Depression (unofficial, but I think I may suffer with BPD as well)
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have a crush on a guy. I guess I'm bi.
|
self.offmychest
|
My anxiety has gotten worse when I’m in the dark... Lately its gotten pretty bad, i’ll wake up randomly and my tv’s off, so are the lights, i just freeze, think of everything wrong and just get really sad. I get afraid of everything, i start rethinking everything from the past weeks and second guess myself.
I know this is going to sound stupid, when i tried to explain to a friend, i was just made fun of. But, when i wake up in the dark, or just happen to find myself in the dark. I just close my eyes, obviously I’m in the dark still, but it just doesn’t feel as bad.
Sorry if this just seems ridiculous or i shouldn’t just post like this. I just needed to know if anyone else does this or if I’m just being stupid and don’t realize it.
What do you guys do to calm down? I don’t normally talk about it. So i don’t really know what to do.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Please stop telling me it will be okay. Today I've learned that my credit is too poor to apply for a student loan for living expenses this school year. I'm a full time grad student and I work full time as well, but I don't get enough hours at work to make rent and bills every month without a student loan. I don't know what to do. I only have a few months until I graduate my program, but without this loan, I might not have a place to live for spring semester.
My mom and fiance have both told me today that it's going to be okay, but it just felt like they were both trying to soothe me. I'm living several states over from them while I'm in school, so I feel alone all the time. I can't ask either of them to help with my rent as it's so much money and they're both struggling with their own bills.
It's not just my financial situation that's making me consider suicide—I've been battling with depression for the past decade now. This won't be my first suicide attempt, but I'm hoping it will be my last. I know it's selfish of me, especially when I promised my fiance I would never leave him, but I'm so tired of everything. Life, depression, anxiety, and hearing from everyone that it will be okay. Stop lying to me. I've been waiting for it to become okay and it's only become worse and worse. Please just let me go.
Thanks for reading.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Fall out boy newest CD mania triggers Does anyone else have this awesome sensation of mania from their newest CD they put out? If you don't listen then take a listen it's on Spotify. Love them!
|
self.bipolar
|
DAE's mood fluctuate during the day One hour i'd be fine the next i'd want to die the one after that i'd be full of energy and happy af. Then it repeats day in day out all the fucking time
|
self.depression
|
Anxiety is worsening and I don't know what to do. Need help. Hey everyone,
So I have severe anxiety. Social, hypochondriac and emetophobia. I've never gotten a full blown panic attack until I ate some chicken about 28 hours ago that spiraled me into crying and going into rage about 2 hours after eating it.
It's now 28 hours later and every time I close my eyes I get dizzy and nauseaous and feel the anxiety.
Is this something that happens? It's like a panic attack hang over that's some more anxiety just making things worse.
I'm trying to calm myself but I can't and I'm scared. I have work tomorrow and I just can't handle this anymore.
I feel like I'm going to be sick and that makes things worse. I have no one to talk to or do and I'm at a loss. I've never had such a bad panic attack until last night and tonight I'm convinced some thing bad is going to happen.
My hypochondria is very bad, emetophobia is really bad, and I'm just so tired of this.
Someone please help
|
self.Anxiety
|
I made a new friend and I screwed it up. Lied to her, made her distrust me. Now I would give anything to return to the friends we were before.
It hurts so much, but I can only bear with it because its ny fault.
|
self.depression
|
I’m curious, how many of you manage your bipolar without medication? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
has anyone ever felt like this? A bit of backstory, I was taken off my medication about 3 to 4 months ago until a had a complete breakdown. I was put back on medication and I am now a couple months in. Recently I have had my dosage increased. Since coming off of my medication I have felt really off. It's a bit hard to describe exactly but I guess the best way I can explain it is feeling detached from myself. It almost feels like I'm in a weird dream and I haven't woken up yet. Nothing really feels real. I'm just waiting to wake up and feel somewhat normal again. Has anyone ever felt like this before? And if so does it go away?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Loosing my mind (sh trigger) I’m kind of loosing it rn. My ocd is getting worse again, my mind is all over the place & racing, and I can’t focus on anything.
To sum up today me and my partner are both unwell, he’s taken the day off and I was going to cause of illness and migraine but my father talked me into going in. I hate this job with all my heart, but it pays and it’s a placeholder for when I get a job in something I love (games/film industry).
I had a super productive period where I felt good and was planning things and getting them done, but now I’ve been in this low for a while and my suicidal ideation and sh thoughts have come back with a force. I can’t seem to focus on one thing and feel like my mind is trying to get me to do 1000 tasks at once and learn 100s of different things at once.
The urge to sh today is the strongest it’s been since I was doing it regularly 1.5 years ago, I’ve been clean ever since but I feel like the only relief I’m gonna get is if I sh again, I’ve already been using elastic bands the last few weeks but they always do jack shit and today I feel I’m at the end of my tether, a bottle of wine and a blade seem like the only release from my sadness and from my racing mind which won’t leave me alone. Sorry for the long post, I just need to vent and try and cope with my mind
|
self.depression
|
Why do people do this? When ever you finally open up to close friends or family about your depression. Everyone is glad that you finally opened up ,they tell you how much they love you and that you can count on them.
Then when you finally need someone they aren't there? Like its just horrible probably the main reason why nobody talks about their depression or suicidal thoughts
|
self.depression
|
Sometimes, I talk alone (not in public obviously) and it makes me feel better. I rather talk alone than tell my problems to the wrong people. It helps me express my feelings without hurting anyone, organize my ideas, analyze the situation and think about solutions.
|
self.Anxiety
|
First week on Lamictal and it's giving me memory problems. Does it ever end? I started meds for the very first time last week and I'm really excited for the future. My doctor gave me Lamictal and it's great. I can tell its already working because I'm not getting extremely depressed or extremely manic, I feel balanced. But I'm getting really bad memory problems and it's to the point where I drive and forget where I'm going.
Currently I'm taking one 25mg per day and tomorrow I will have to take two pills each day and work my way up until I have to take 100mg per day. I definitely love the effects but the side effects are frustrating. Has anyone had any experience with this? Did it ever go away?
|
self.bipolar
|
trying to give life another go after 25 years of trying to self deal with depression and suicidal thoughts, i recently stopped fighting them and attempted suicide, however a stranger found me before i could complete the act, stopped me and called the police resulting in me spending the next month in a mental hospital until they decided i was probably safe to release. While in hospital they discovered i also had previously undiagnosed diabetes, i also had to give up my job while in hospital as i couldn't tell them when i would be able to return plus as part of my treatment for depression and to help my diabetes, it was pointed out to me that i would do better with a more routine way of living (my job involved shifts at different times of day and night with each weeks roster different).
so now I'm back at home, trying to learn how to eat a completely different diet (previously ate a lot of carbs), trying to find ways to fill in the time as i haven't been unemployed like this in a very long time while having very little money whilst trying to ignore the constant thoughts of death.
They have me on venlafaxine which helps the depression in some ways as my mood isn't constantly low now, but also makes me feel it more when it does drop, as it is such a drastic change.
So now at the age of 37, i'm trying to start life over, new diet, looking for a new career, trying to create a new social life, and a new way of living my life, and whilst i know they are changes that need to be made, it's not easy trying to reinvent yourself and change a lifetime of bad habbits.
On the plus side, the local mental health team have been very supportive, i have a case officer assigned to me who meets me weekly to discuss any problems and to basically keep an eye on me, and both a psychiatrist and a psychologist to try and work on my issues with
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Negative experience with antidepressants. **NOTE: This is not advising everyone to avoid seeking help. I am not saying don't take medication. It is not in my power to give anyone advice. Everyone is different. This is only my experience.**
Idk if this belongs in suicidewatch. It's not asking for or giving help, but it's too suicidal to go in depression.
I recently got my medication dose increased, and it is "working." Basically, it made things worse for the long run.
Before, the only thing keeping me from suicide was OCD. (I hate change, plus it takes a lot of work.)
Now, my literal mood (anger, sadness) has been stabilized at pretty near neutral. However, it doesn't fix the real issue, which is more of how my mind works. I will always despise society. I'll never fit in with all of this. It's all a stupid joke.
Yeah, "you don't have to fit in," some may say. But if I don't want to be living on the streets, I have to "be social", ~~go into crippling debt~~ go to college, maybe find a job. Struggle to make ends meet due to ~~the failing economy~~ "not working hard enough."
I just wanted the balance to tip enough to end it. Turns out talking about the issue was a mistake. Therapy is the same. I will not discuss how broken I am, because it'll make me look worse, and it will do nothing. It's done nothing but a weekly rant session. Now I'm more trapped than ever... My personality hates life, but now my raw emotion is like "meh. whatever."
tldr; If you want to take antidepressants, you better make sure you'll have something to live for. If you want to go to therapy, see if your problem is fixable.
I posted this to share my story. Not everyone has depression that can be fixed with medication and/or therapy. I want to share how it feels.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
This is too much and I want to die. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
It's so hard to spend new year's eve alone while your partner enjoys his time with friends [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Very tired and stressed Last week I was sick, also had antibiotics. Now I'm still tired and feeling so stressed. I wish I could stay in my bed all day. Not even the energy to go outside anymore.
Think my issues are caused by the lack of good sleep quality. What do you guys do to recover? What should I do to gain more energy?
Thanks!
|
self.depression
|
I "adulted" yesterday Yesterday I had to do shit that I'd put off for some time. Anxiety plays a huge part in my procrastination. I made myself get up early despite getting just 6 hours of sleep. I was literally shaking before heading off to the library, but I subconsciously reminded myself that I HAD to do these things. So I made my important phone calls, filed my financial aid request, and checked my emails thoroughly. I hesitated for a few minutes to make the second call which was high priority. But I made myself do it. When everything was done I went home, ate a lot, and took a two hour nap.
I shook for a few minutes. My chest was tight. I had to shit between calls because anxiety literally makes me poop. But it feels good having important things taken care of. Especially when you have to power through anxiety that makes adulting an often terrifying thing.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I dropped a brand new bottle of Pine-Sol on the ground today, and now I'm suddenly anxious Tl;dr: Experienced another "pissed-off step-father" flashback because of a brand named floor cleaner.
Last month, I was house-sitting while my mom and step-dad were away. I was told Mom would return on Wednesday evening and Step-dad on Thursday. In the meantime, I had a list of minor household chores to complete--mopping the floors was especially important.
By Tuesday, I was getting incredibly frustrated by the isolation, and in my hormone-induced stupidity, I invited an old flame over for the infamous "Netflix and Chill." Keep in mind that I am a 25-year-old female NEET who hasn't interacted with anyone my age since graduating college/university.
The plan was to engage in some dumb fuckery on Tuesday evening, Old Flame would leave Wednesday at 11 a.m. for errands, and I clean the floors once and for all, and possibly make dinner for when Mom came home that evening.
Step-Dad came home unexpectedly at 10 a.m. on Wednesday. "This is how I die," the Narrator narrated.
Of course, shit hit the fan. And not only did I dare have an uninvited guest (and sex) in this house, but I didn't even have the decency to mop the goddamn floor like I was supposed to!
So, on Thursday, I began to clean the floors. No vacuuming allowed because Step-Dad was watching TV. So I had to do the initial spot-cleaning with a broom and dustpan like some kind of peasant. I was constantly judged for taking too long with the broom.
Next, I prepared the mop bucket, mixing hot water with an unmeasured amount of Pine-Sol. Step-Dad then says that because he can't smell the lemon-y fragrance from 15 feet away, I must not have poured in Pine-Sol at all. Those bubbles in the bucket must be a mirage!
So he empties the entire container into the bucket. The cleaning solution is now only 1 percent water, and the bubbles spill out of the bucket and onto the floor.
"Pine-Sol is cheap; just like you!" He points at me. 'Cause, you know. I'm a dumb slut, and stuff.
It was a pretty petty insult, and my internal monologue was actually having a good laugh at how stupid he sounded.
I ultimately finished the house after four hours. Delays were for Unexpected Grandpa Visit and Step-Dad tracking debris on the freshly-mopped areas. This is why I work barefoot!
Still, that happened a month ago. Today, Mom came home from work with some groceries. I helped her unload the truck, and a large bottle of Pine-Sol ripped through the bag and fell on the driveway. The cap broke and good amount of cleaner spilled out. I was suddenly reminded about the incident last month. About my step-dad's whole "Mommy Dearest" character. About how nothing I can do will quell his wrath. About the powerlessness I experience when he throws a tantrum after reeling you in with false kindness. About the prospect of eternal isolation after yet another failed attempt at socializing outside of this house.
The typical anxiety symptoms displayed themselves immediately. Step-Dad wasn't home yet, but his petty insult from last month kept resonating in my head. I began wincing from the verbal beatdowns to come--they never did. This has been my life for 12 years so far.
That's the power of Pine-Sol, baby!
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m scared I think I’m becoming suicidal and it’s scaring me. All I can think about is how much better it would be if wasn’t here.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Need convincing to see a therapist. Have a BIG problem that won't go away. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Medical marijuana just became legal in my state for PTSD. Has this helped anyone's anxiety here? I have PTSD with anxiety. Medical marijuana just became legal in my state. Has anyone taken this for anxiety?
(Medical, not off the street weed)
|
self.Anxiety
|
Am I the only one who has times where I wish something really bad would happen so that I could actually have a fucking reason for having depression and hating my life so much?
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I'm done, I don't know what to do. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate her so much and I just can't anymore I hate her. I hate her for making me feel like I'm a terrible daughter. I hate her for making me hate myself. I hate her for making me wonder what's the point of living anymore. I hate her for caring. I hate her for making me unbelievably angry. I hate her for giving me high expections. I just can't anymore. I don't see the point in living. I can't seem to do anything right. I wish she would have killed herself so I didn't have to be alive. I'm just so tired of being in all this pain. I can't go to school and get good grades and do chores and just be the perfect daughter. I just do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be in this pain i want it tobs over. I can't. I just can't anymore. It too hard. It's too painful.
|
self.depression
|
Whiny lil bitch Holy crow, this is a bad morning. Feel alone, like a failure. Know I’m adulting my ass off. Know how lucky I am that I have family that offered to take me in. Laid off 3 months ago from good job, no others like it in the area. Divorced, he doesn’t talk to his kids, moved across country. Last guy I fell for started it all based on lies and it’ll never be more than friendship now. I understand why he lied. Had to move from awesome 3 bedroom house I’d rented for me and kids when ex left, that I honestly never could afford. Know I made right decisions but feel like a failure, keep crying, worked my ass off on moving and not getting deposit back. Kids are healthy. Family loves me. Taking 2 antidepressants, have klonopin for the bad days. Just quit smoking pot to help with the job hunt but now it’s not dulling the pain anymore. I was abusing it. Hiding from everything, even my kids. I know I’m taking the right steps. I’ve started doing 30 minutes of cardio 5x a week, and it usually involves me yelling at the universe “I’m doing this for me!!!” But still, I feel helpless. Moronic. Naive. Not good enough. I can have a bad day and know it’ll pass, but since hospitalized for thoughtcrimes in July, anytime I have more than one anxiety attack in a day I start to panic about having to go back. I’m whining. I know there’s hope, that I’ll assimilate to new living arrangements. I had super unhealthy coping mechanisms (way too much weed, fucking anyone who wanted) and I’ve addressed those. Understood where they came from. Replaced them. But still, I cry. Still, I hate this depression and the genetics that gifted me with it. I hurt. And I feel weak. And not good enough. But I’ve said before, I’ll keep saying, I know it’ll get better. It has all the times before. I’ve been getting help. Therapy. Become my own advocate. But damn, it’s hard and weary work.
Thanks for listening. Needed to let that out. It gets better it gets better it gets better it gets better
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self.depression
|
Therapy Will it help?
Therapy has been exhausting for me. I've only had a few sessions so far, and I don't know what to expect and what it's supposed to be like. Which means I'm anxious during the session, because I feel judged (anxiety???) and I don't feel comfortable opening up because I'm afraid of what it would imply. For example, I know none of our parents are perfect, but I don't like to talk about this because I feel like it's exposing them and they did the best they could. It seems like my therapist is like "someone must have made you feel x" because my self esteem is low and I'm always afraid of being judged. I hear therapy is supposed to be hard at first, which it has been, because every time the way she talks makes me want to cry, it's just not soft at all. She'll say things like "this is the most honest you've been so far" and that'll hurt my feelings. Is it just cause I'm the unhealthy one that it hurts my feelings? Sometimes I wonder do I even need to go to therapy or am I catastrophizing things? Are we digging up past hurts to heal them or is it just bringing me back into the mud? How does this all work?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Bye Catch you all on the flip side. Be good to your fellow man.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Where I'm at right now All my life, I've been called "intelligent", "smart", "gifted". I never failed to get top scores, solve challenging problems, win competitions and awards. I was always praised. Comments like "Wow, you're going to do so much when you're older!" and "When you get famous for inventing/doing something amazing, I'll get to say I know you! Haha!" were pretty common.
No surprise, I went to a top university and graduated this June as a double major in 3 short years, magna cum laude. My parents were so happy, they just keep bragging about me.
No one knows how I broke and fell into an abyss of existential despair. Nothing in particular triggered it. I got As with ease. I'm not sure how, I don't even vaguely remember anything I was supposed to learn. It was all a haze of me not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to eat, not wanting to hang out with my friends. I would tell people I was studying (haha). I made just enough appearances to keep people from suspecting.
The jig is up, though. I didn't apply for grad school; because I have literally no interest in anything, I had no idea what to apply for. I have a job in research, but I can't focus on anything and work extremely slowly. My supervisor is starting to notice, and it seems that it won't be much longer.
I don't want to go home and show everyone that I'm a failure.
|
self.offmychest
|
Depression is a flat circle I don’t even know where it started, and it sure as hell just keeps coming back around no matter what I do.
|
self.depression
|
give and dont expect anything in return I always did just that. I'd given you so much. I held back my pain and tears so that you can shed yours. I smiled so that you would too. I gave you my everything and expected nothing in return - so long as you were happy.
but i didnt know you could give even less than nothing in return.
my sleepless nights of helping you with your depression while also developing my own was payed back with your hurtful and harsh criticism. I gave you my heart hoping you'd share yours, only for you to stab the shell i was hiding in.
I was ok with it though. as long as you were happy right? you didn't mean it anyway, you'd say the next day. and i would always comfort you becuase you felt bad for mistreating me.
"just don't do it again"
"it's ok, I know you still love me"
"i know you cant control it"
i'd say anything to make you happy. i'd do it all for you. As long as you're happy, I'm happy too.
But I ran out of my everything to give you, only empty shells of what i used to be. and like a empty and used up shampoo bottle, you just disposed of me. every single word that came out of your mouth shattered me like a pebble breaking a mirror.
"i cant deal with your carelessness anymore"
but i had waited for you to fall asleep before I did so that i'd be there when you'd break down in the middle of the night
"i dont want to be humiliated again being with you"
but I had been publicly yelled at by you and made fun of in front of both our friends
"i'm tired of this"
same
So this is my letter, my unsent suicide letter. this was just a piece of my mind to maybe make me feel better. Thank you for teaching me such a valuable lesson.
"give but dont expect anything in return"
Goodnight bii. i love you. rest well
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self.SuicideWatch
|
One thing goes wrong and now I'm spiraling It's my senior year, final semester. Because my depression hecked up my GPA and earlier scheduling, I've got to take 18 hours of advanced upper levels to graduate on time. I really thought it would be fine, and it was until now!
Earlier today I turned in a paper for one of my classes, except I turned it in three days late, after I had already gotten a two-day extension. It was also two pages short, and not a particularly good essay. I'm an English major. It was for an upper level lit class. It was fucking awful, and I feel embarrassed and humiliated turning it in and it literally took all my strength to go to class because I feel like my professor is going to be staring me down and thinking about how stupid and lazy I am.
I know realistically other people do shit like this and it doesn't ruin everything but I feel like it's ruined everything. I'm pretty sure it's ruined everything. I want to scream and die and I literally just want to graduate and escape the hellscape that is college.
That aside, any tips from pulling back from the brink? I have another paper and an exam due this week. I can't afford to lose everything to this one slip up even though it feels like I already have.
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self.depression
|
Fuck the holidays THIS IS A RANT
I could not figure out how to flair on mobile and I am extremely tired so thank you if you are reading!
It seems like the holidays always bring out the worst in everybody. I feel like goddamn Charlie Brown, I always get depressed and anxious around this time of the year. Midterms and projects coming up, multiple holidays alienating singles, I can’t really think of what else to say I’m fucking tired I just don’t want to be on edge any more why can’t people just leave me the fuck alone I don’t want to socialize I don’t want to make small talk I don’t want to pretend to watch football while my grandpa complains that I don’t learn anything in school and I need to cut my hair I’m underaged so I can’t even drown my anxiety in whiskey like the adults do I’m worthless it’s 3:00 am on new year and I’m trying to sleep on a friend’s couch and I’m almost in tears because I’m writing this and fuck life I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself my life isn’t even fucked up i was never bullied j was never abused i wasn’t neglected my mom isn’t poor i have supportive people in my life i have friends why am i this fucked up I hate this i hate this fuck christmas fuck new years fuck valentine’s day fuck the holidays sorry for the rant it’s 3 am and my mind is racing what the fuck is wrong with me? Excuse my language. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you so much in advance. This is a wonderful community.
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self.Anxiety
|
I don’t want support. I just want someone to listen and acknowledge what I have to say. I’m a bad person. How am I so narcissistic but also at the same time such a self-deprecating piece of shit? I’m fat, unhygienic, unmanly and have a horrible personality.
Some people like me and call me their friend. I don’t know if their standards are super low or what, but I wish I had the heart to tell them how much I appreciate the fact they like me. I wish they would ignore me and go for better friends but at the same time, it feels like a knife going through my chest when I see them talk to other people, as if I’m selfish and need approval, even if it won’t do much.
I get jealous when I see the men around me. They’re confident and responsible. I was beaten a lot by my uncles as a kid. I can tell one of them feels remorse over his actions since he’s been too nice over the years, trying to buy me expensive things and whatever.
The abuse ripped apart every inch of manhood I had. I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t dignified and I wasn’t brave. I’ve bonded more with my sisters than any other men I’ve met in my life. They understood the abuse as they had gone through it as well, however they could be a bit stoic at times.
Because of the abuse, I’ve grown to not trust many people and be extremely anxious and shy 24/7. I hear my family members, schoolmates, etc talk about how I lack ambition, how I’m too reserved and feminine, how I’m not as good as the other kids. Sorry I can’t speak in a room full of people, sorry if my face flushes red when my name is called, sorry I feel more comfortable being alone for days than visiting some of the family but it’s your fault for sitting back there and supporting the abuse when I was younger. Every time I took one step too far, I’d be threatened as you thought it was a good way to control me.
My father died when I was 4 and I was vulnerable. Beating and threatening me with violence are the two things you should definitely not be doing... All those punches that were thrown, tears I’ve shedded and lashes from your belts were for no benefit. And even then, my father probably wouldn’t have treated me any nicer had he still been alive at that point.
I’m the runt of the family now. I’m stupid, weak, shy and not manly enough. Why can’t I be more like my fucking doctor aunts or lawyer uncles?! I’d kill myself if I didn’t have two sisters and a few friends who care. I’m happy for my sisters, but their success still hurts... Good job graduating suma cum laude with a 4.0 GPA and degrees in mathematics and electrical engineering. I cried tears of joy because of how happy I was for you that night. If only I could make them as proud of me as you did.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
been homeless for a year now and ive go nothing going for me and i feel like i need to end my life
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel awful even though I feel empty Odd how I'm in a stunned like state. Monotone, no emotions, dull. And yet I feel bad because of how I've come to my current life's state.
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self.depression
|
Just wanted to say... I felt really insecure about my looks today. Just like, “ehhh... this is as good as it’s gonna get.”
And normally I don’t really feel that way but I’ve been going through a lot emotionally and it shows on the outside.
At work today, a random customer (I work with people / coffee) told me I was really pretty. I am still floating on a pink cloud from that complement.
The bottom line is, I know I shouldn’t search for positive affirmations from others, but sometimes all it takes is a kind word from someone to turn everything around. I’ve truly been inspired to be more generous with complements and lifting others up. I’ll never know what affect it may have on someone! 💕 it could make their day. Also, it gets me outside of my own head.
Just wanted to share my positive experience and possibly inspire someone to share kind words throughout the day.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety about anxiety I might not even have My husband and I are in a position where we are considering our next child and the thought of going through the post partum period and the possibility/probability of post partum depression and a massive flare up of my anxiety that inevitably comes with it is already giving me anxiety. You can't reason with the beast.
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self.Anxiety
|
Who am I? I feel like with every passing day, I'm closer to killing myself. I recognize the issues I have. The subjective / objective values they both hold to me, but I feel I want to die the more time I experience.
I've had a bad childhood. Worse than some and better than others, but still, from a young age, I've felt sad, and that I don't have much of a future myself. I feel that that is a huge reason I joined the Marines - is because I wanted to die, but I didn't want to die for nothing. Marines was cool, did cool shit with cool people. But i didn't die, got close but never did. My friends did, so I took on guilt for that.
Afterwards, I felt like absolutely nothing. Collected unemployment for a year and took easy college courses. Felt empty inside, but made progress in school so had something to hold onto.
Skip forwards 5 years or so - I'm respected in my occupation, and am part of a SWAT team and take a huge amount of pride in knowing I protect people... but once again, I feel the only reason I care about this is because I hope to die. I have suicidal idealization (or whatever word im looking for) where i die protecting someone. I long for it. I feel I long for it because I'm too scared to kill myself. I want to do it, but at the same time I dont.
I play games. I push other individuals to see if they will fight me. I make promises to myself (if i get caught drinking and driving, Ill do it - latest iteration of my games), I seek circumstances so I can feel something - fear, pain, self deprecation - anything.
I feel like I am only deserving of negativity. Praise that I receive from work or in my personal life I feel is disingenuous and fake. I don't deserve any of it. Ive almost had other people killed. I'm fake as fuck. I walk around with a smile and tell other people it will get better when I have no faith at all in my words. I want to die, but I am scared.
I hold guilt close to my heart. I know I don't deserve it, but... I cling on to it. I destroy relationships because I feel like I dont deserve any of the positives. I feel I am at my best when I am angry. So I hold close to the things that cause me anger. Abuse, death, depression. I love it. It pushes me in my career and in the gym.
So many people have told me they respect me and are jealous of me and my abilities. They don't see the price I've paid to be where I am. I've gotten to where I am and respected as a savage because I wan't to die. I don't care about what happens to me - have nothing clinging me to life - so I jump into situations with reckless abandon...
And lately I feel closer and closer to edge. I make riskier decisions and bets with myself. "Im going to get fucked up with the homies... They dont worry about me because Im always good. Motherfucker, doesnt matter what stands in front of me, Im fucking good and I'll face it with a smile. This is what we asked for, small price to pay to be great." But I feel like I am fake as fuck./ I bet I am the most scared person on my team. I am starting to feel like a liability. I feel like I am going to get other people killed because I just don't care. I don't care about myself, I am dirt. I more dirt than the people I confront on the daily, Everyone around me has more to worry about, Why am i the why I am.
I seclude myself, I distance myself from the people I know have a genuine interest in me. I cling to the people who dont give a shit about me. I want to die, I want to fucking die, but at the same time I dont.
I want to be great, but I feel like an anchor is attached to me. An anchor of failure. Things that have little to do with me I feel like is myself....
I dont know, I'm drunk like usual. Im a functional addict. I've made it home another night. I've lost my bet again. I never win. I want to die. But I dont. With every passing dissapoint and failure, I feel less reason to hold on.
I'm Drunk, I know I need help, but I can't ask for it... So here I am. I've always connected to people I know I'll never meet more so than those around me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
DAE dont get enough sleep because you dont want to face tomorrow? I will sleep 3-4 hours probably.. I hate myself for it.
|
self.depression
|
Just started highschool and my suicidal thoughts are coming back already [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
No matter how much I under or over-study, I always panic before tests and then feel like I'm making excuses afterwards. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Mania is to hypomania as depression is to ______? Why is there no hypodepression?
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self.bipolar
|
It's like it just disappeared... A month ago I was put on latuda. I've had only 1 major change in mood since, and it only lasted an hour. No suicidal thoughts, no depression, no mania, just normal, with normal emotions, and it's really, really awesome. It went from total chaos, I was certain I wouldn't live another year, to completely normal, in a less than a month. Just wanted to share :)
|
self.bipolar
|
Did citalopram make anyone else crave alcohol? I was on 40mg citalopram for 3 years and every second of the day it made me crave alcohol. I recently quartered the dose to 10mg and my alcohol cravings are suddenly gone.
I am wondering if anyone has experienced something similar with their meds.
I am also on Abilify 2mg, but that has been working just fine with improving my mood.
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self.depression
|
Have you tried fighting mania or psychosis? Like, if you recognize something is going haywire in your brain, but you try to maintain and not give in? Sometimes I try and it just doesn't go well. I've been medicated for a while now, so it's not as huge an issue as it used to be, but it's like, can I just fight it.
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self.bipolar
|
what in tarnation I'm currently at a dunkin donuts and a crazy older woman bought an iced coffee in a bottle (from the fridge). After she purchased it, she immediately started screaming at the cashier that she couldn't get the seal off, that she 'scraped her finger' trying to get the seal off of the cap, started asking for a corporate number to call and that she would be sure the cashier would lose her job for 'endangering her health' (I'm not making this shit up), she then went on a rant about how she's supposed to drive to someplace three hours away and that she injured her 'driving finger' and that she'll 'never go to this piece of shit coffee place ever again', all the while the cashier and manager are trying to get this woman to calm down and she starts screaming at them "don't tell me what the fuck to do!", they ended up giving her a gift card 'for her troubles' and she went on her happy fucking way. This all happened like 20 minutes ago too lmao. crazy
only in detroit lmfaoo
|
self.offmychest
|
Time just took the piss this morning So I've been texting this girl for a few days now after talking for a couple of months. And by texting I mean basically spending every waking moment texting. (Before any of you go off on one about actually talking, I'm meeting her on Wednesday).
Now to the crux of the issue. She doesn't sleep that much. I'm talking 4 hours a day if that. I usually sleep for like 10. I stayed up until about 2 this morning to talk to her because we like talking to each other. Eventually I was like;
"I'm really sorry but I'm dying, I need sleep but u know I would talk to you more if I could!". I go to sleep and to my great surprise and to less than impressed fashion I wake up at 8! Like properly awake. No chance of going back to sleep! This happened yesterday only I woke up at half nine. This shit's getting earlier. Seriously whyyyy! Oh and just to piss me off more she's working today so I can't talk to her until like 4. So instead of waiting like 6 hours max because I normally wake up at I'm gonna have to wait 8!
I can't even remember what I do with spare time! Its only been three days! I used to game I suppose, could do that, still need to finish modding Skyrim for the tenth time.
I know this is bad and its bad for your hobby to be your gf but its early times, while we're both still really like each other, and we both generally have nothing to do in the holidays, complete freedom to do what we want, so why not spend the whole time texting.
So yeah, I have no fckn clue what to do and an extra 2 hours to kill. I like sleep and I'm seemingly not getting any. I don't even know anymore. I thought I was in control of my feelings for her, at some point I must have opened the flood gates for all to come through.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm scared of death. I'm so so so so terrified. I'm 22 years old. I hopefully have plenty of time left, but the concept of death and the unknown is so utterly, mindbogglingly terrifying that I'm starting to feel like I just can't function anymore. I can't sleep, for the past 3 days. I now know the feeling behind the expression "bone chilling terror" and I hate it. I've grown so panicked I'm not even using an alt, I just don't care about that right now.
I am, or perhaps was, depressed. I was suicidal. I went to the doctor and got prescribed pills. I take them. They helped. But this past month, my mind has begun to obsess over death. What if there's nothing? If I just cease to exist? I don't want to cease to exist. If we just cease to exist, then what's the point of living? What matters at all?
But what if there's eternity? The concept of eternity is so scary I don't believe a word exists for it. A million years. A billion, a trillion, a google of years, and that's not even a fraction of the concept of eternity. And then I start thinking, is there a finite number of things that can happen in the universe? Think about it. There is a limit to the number of images that can be displayed on a monitor. A monitor can theoretically display every single thing that could ever possibly exist. What is that?
I know that death is an inevitability. But I feel like I just can't handle it. I'm not suicidal anymore, but my chest hurts, my teeth ache, my mind agonizes over things that are imposible to know every chance it gets.
How do you guys cope? Just ignore it? I know I need stronger medication, because I can already feel myself breaking, I'm going to the doctor this week, but will I have to live with this terror, this fright and stress and anxiety for the rest of my life? Will I never know peace?
I have a dog. He's 3 years old. He's going to die before me. I have a grandmother. She's 70. I hope she has many, many years left, but she's like my second mother. I don't want her to die. I don't want my mother to die. Do you get what I'm saying?
I can't sleep. I'm starting to get scared I'll never wake up. I want to pop alprezolam like candy in the hope that it'll relieve me even a fraction of a bit. I want to self harm to prove to myself I'm alive. I feel like my mind's going to break and I think it may be better if it did, because then I would live in a bliss of non-understanding. My palms are sweaty. I want to cry. I've tried to take up praying, and it helps a smidge, but it's not enough. I'm going to try to learn mindfulness but I'm scared this will always be at the back of my mind.
Please, won't someone, anyone, talk to me? I'm not delusional, I know it's not gonna be alright in the end. Everyone dies. No one knows what, if anything, comes after. But I feel so scared. I'm so lonely. I'm so, so, so, so scared.
|
self.Anxiety
|
There's something wrong with me I was on my first real date yesterday (I'm a 23y old guy). It went really well I think, the girl is amazing and we both had a good time. I should be happy but I am not. I just came home from a party, I was there with my friends and this female friend that I haven't seen in a while told me I was an amazing person and that she's happy to know me. I should be happy.
Why do I feel so awful despite all that? I'm successful at college, I have amazing parents and we have a great relationship, I'm healthy, I am an extrovert with many friends and couple of lifelong childhood friend that are simply the best.
Shouldn't I feel happy? Why do I feel like life is a goddamn chore, something I'm trapped in? If my circumstances were worse I'd atleast have a reason, an excuse to kill myself.
I just don't want to live anymore. Experiences, both positive and negative, feel like forced upon me. I am not looking forward to anything in life. All I want is not to wake up tomorrow. I feel so tired...
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self.depression
|
"I Believe in Love" ^[Post ^000001]
I BELIEVE IN LOVE
By Alan Menken, Lily Collins & et alia
When you cant see the forest or the trees,
for all the colors of your dreams,
just turn to friends their help transcends to love, love, love, love, love.
I believe (x12) in love, love.
I believe (x12) in love, love, love, love, love.
The winter's finally passing on,
the king is back, the queen is gone,
come dance with me cause now we're free to love, love, love, love, love.
Tutu tururu tu tururu...
I believe (x12) in love, love.
I believe (x12) in love, love, love, love, love.
Tutu tururu tu tururu...
Love, love, love!
Tutu tururu tu tururu...
Love, love, love!
This is my first post. I doubt it will be my last. Too much in my life are missing. And I live a pretty much unhappy life.
Like today I watched this fantastic movie named Mirror, Mirror from 2012 with Lily Collins. A fantastic movie and lovestory. That is the kind of movies I have to watch to keep my posture up these days. Specially on Sundays to bring up some joy for the week to come.
Today was different though. Usually I can find some happiness and hope in these wonderful movies. "Joybringers" as I usually name them. Today though, for the first time, the door leading to my depleted heart did not open up to be recharged from the usually soaring joy these films for a short time brings me. So I went to a classic that have brought me lots before: "Love under the stars". This time I started crying. For the first time in my life I cried. Not of joy which surely can bring tears to your eyes but out of wrenching loss. I always have had a hope that one day I might have a family of my own. But today I guess it finally dawned on me, that this is something that now become lost to me. Hope have always brought be forward. Without hope you really cant move forward. And I now clearly see I am stuck in a life I hate. I will continue my life as best I can ofcourse as theres not much else you can do. So I will don my Volto and walk among you, with my smile etched on my face. How long I can keep this masquerade I dont know. I had a hope for the rest of my life, but after today I dont know how things will be in the hours, days, weeks, months and years to come. Without It I have nothing. It is what keeps me standing.
Its late. Time to call it a night. The day tomorrow is going to be hard enough without lack of sleep to mess things up even more.
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self.depression
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what else can i do? ive been suicidal for the past 5 years due to many different reasons alchoholism and a long histroy of drugs in my family it just makes me think why does it have to be me and makes me think its me because i dont belong on this earth i dont fit in anywhere and i never will which is why i am suicidal but this year has been really hard and i was bout to end it all but my mom came home and i didn't go through with it i told my therapist and was sent onto a suicide prevention therapy place and at first everyone seemed to be so shocked and everyone promised things will change and it actually made me hopeful and fast forward 2 weeks and its all right back to the same old shit absolutely nothing has changed and its like it never happened i dont want to die but it makes me think what more can i do to give them a wakeup call? some nights when im in a good mood listening to music i just think id be happy to die right now im afraid it seems like the only way things will change is if i die
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self.SuicideWatch
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I get anxious thinking of death and illnesses. From time to time, topics about someone dying/having terminal illnesses scares me and I try to stray away from taking about those in a conversation.
Never felt this before while studying but now that I am a working adult for almost a year, I have spent a few sleepless nights just thinking about it.
Typing this makes my stomach quiver.
Anyone out there who's feeling the same way??
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel at my lowest The last time I felt this bad I ended up in a hospital. Now I feel even worse.
I just failed out of college because I can't pay attention or even function as a human being anymore. Like, that happened today, only a few hours ago I found out that I need to leave by the end of the week or I will be kicked out.
College and a career doing something I actually enjoy because of it was all I had to look forward too. If I don't have this I don't know what I have.
It's a dilemma. I can kill myself and it'll be over and done. I won't feel sad, depressed, anxious, happy, nervous, or anything. And I'm completely fine with that. But, if I do that, then I'm just passing this pain that I wouldn't wish upon anybody, on to everyone I love. So I'm stuck, and it's torture.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Problems with Celexa I have been prescribed 40mg of Celexa for my Panic Disorder, I was previously on 20mg of Cipralex. In the first week its made me dizzy, tired and fidgety. Could these be possible symptoms of Seratonin Syndrome or just my body adjusting to a different medication?
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self.Anxiety
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I get very depressed whenever my aunt is around. She's yelling a lot of the time and even when she's not yelling she's talking at such a loud volume that she might as well be yelling.
She's extremely intense even though she barely gets any sleep, like she's on fucking amphetamines all the time.
I can't do anything when she's around because she always wants to have a fucking conversation about something or other and I indulge because if I don't, suddenly I'm rude. So here I have to engage in conversation with someone I don't want to talk to because I'm an asshole if I don't.
She's extremely critical and will point out any flaws or failures she sees without hesitation.
I don't get why some people absolutely *swear* by family. Like, yeah I've known these people all of my life but that doesn't change the fact that some of them suck.
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self.depression
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Recently my doctor upped my SSRI dosage, need advice I’ve been on 20mg citalopram for two months now. I can feel I’m on the road to recovery but I know I’m not there yet. feeling a lot better about my situation. But I rang my doctor to get my tablets as i was running out and she said that because I’m not feeling 100% better at two months in I need to have my dosage increased to 30mg citalopram.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Should I keep doing the same dosage or listen to my doctor? They’ve given me a box of 20mg and a 10mg box so I could keep my regular dose going and not tell them. I really don’t know what to do 20mg side effects are bad enough already
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self.Anxiety
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I have a kitchen knife in my room. Sorry Mr. therapist but breathing exercises can't help me anymore. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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What is the specific type of magnesium you guys use to help with your anxiety? I've heard that magnesium supplements help with anxiety, but I've found that there are a lot of different types of magnesium supplements. Which one has been found to be the most effective?
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self.Anxiety
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Reading the news makes me so sad and angry, but I can't look away [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Anxious people of Reddit: what do you do for a living? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Fearful of checking emails/messages/mail/answering the phone I am going through a fucked up time in my life right now. Although fucked up, it's pretty much the story of my life. I am helping my mom who has psychiatric and physical disabilities defend herself in 2 lawsuits that are underway. I have no family anymore as most of them are the ones being served. I have good days where I'm on top of everything and some other days i literally just crawl in bed and turn into a ball of fear. Thank God I have a girlfriend who loves me and a hottub I can soak in. Last night I had a dream ethereal monsters were biting at me trying to drag me into hell. I didn't think watching The Punisher would do that. Any suggestions to help me lick start a happy spell? It's all mental and emotional issues I'm dealing with... I just wrote a 25 page testimony of the events in my life for the lawyers to review. This is the first time I stand up against the peices of shit that have ruled over my life. Now that I'm in control I'm just scared. Sorry to dump my crap here. I hope to find answers for us all soon.
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self.Anxiety
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My anxiety is affecting my relationship, need advice for controlling nausea Hi there, this is my first post here but I feel the need to reach out and ask for advice from some likeminded individuals who may have experience with anxiety and relationships.
Long story short, i’m in a fairly new relationship with a girl. We’ve been together for a couple of months now and it’s long distance so we don’t see each other as often as we’d like to. It’s the first time either of us have been in a relationship so understandably we’re both inexperienced and kind of winging it as we go, but there’s a mutual understanding that neither of us is 100% sure of how to navigate relationships yet.
Anyway, I struggle with anxiety and have been on medication for it for the past 2 years. I found my medication (sertraline) to be mildly effective for the first year or so but then that effect started to diminish so my doctor decided to increase my dosage. I’ve since found no real benefit from the increase and my doctor and I have decided to switch me onto a different pill, fluoxetine i believe. I’m currently decreasing my sertraline dosage before switching over in a couple of weeks.
Part of the reason I wanted to change medications is because I feel my anxiety is heightened when I’m around my girlfriend. My biggest symptom has always been nausea; I completely lose my appetite when I’m around her and feel sick to my stomach with anxiety. I mentioned the nausea to my doctor at my last appointment and he decided to prescribe me metoclopramide to take preemptively when I feel like I’ll be in situations that would be particularly nausea inducing. So i tried out these pills this weekend over NYE when I spent a few nights with my girlfriend. Truthfully I can’t say how effective they were because while I didn’t throw up (and I have on previous occasions with her, though that could be related to the food we ate) I still didn’t feel calm and unconcerned about the possibility of my nausea getting the better of me.
I guess what I’m asking for here is for any advice on how to control my nausea when I’m around my girlfriend. I don’t think it’s that I’m uncomfortable around her, per se, because I actually surprised myself with how comfortable I was when it came to being intimate with her.
I wonder if there’s any supplements or legal herbal medicine I could take which would help me control the nausea? I understand that I need to try a form of therapy to deal with the psychological side to my anxiety, but I also need something to combat the physical symptoms and so far nothing my doctor has prescribed me has been much help. So if anyone here has any tried and tested suggestions that would be much appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
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I need guidance. I'm 20 years old. Working most days. I live with my mother who is currently up for disability trial. But being the only one working is starting to drag me down in life. And my dad that lives in a different state has stage 4 prostate cancer. And my family is basically non existent. And we're being forced to move. I don't wanna kill myself but recently it's just becoming to much for me to handle. I have a beautiful girlfriend and she has 2 beautiful kids. And I don't wanna lose them. Or my mother. And I truly wish I could find a mentor or someone to help me through this...
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self.SuicideWatch
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I️ just walked out of an audition. I️ was too anxious, I️ physically couldn’t do it. Streams were forming down my cheeks and everyone saw me. I️ can’t do this anymore.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else never been to a club or bar with friends? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I just paid my university 6k and man that hurts. I just want to roll into a little ball and cry.
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self.offmychest
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I've planned something frightening but amazing. I wanted to die, hell I dont know, maybe I still want to. I wanted to run away, hell I know I'm going to... I thought, if I want to dissapear, why not making it worth my while? My favorite band is coming to Europe, and I'm going to see them in another country. A country I've never been before. I've booked tickets, planetickets and a hostel. I'm going to be in a lovely city full of color. I still do the things I wanted: I want to go away, leave it all behind, be alone, but I make it worth it. Its scary, and it is not really in harmony with my feelings or depression but I know I will have my escape in some months, and if I enjoy it I might stay a bit longer there.
I dont say you should all do this, but a change of surroundings might trigger you. I can lay in bed in that hostel and mourn and cry, but I know my experience is way different because I'm not in that miserable home I live in right now. It might take my mind off. Try to give yourself some big presents to look forward to.
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self.depression
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Unusual question [nsfw]? Part of the side effects of escitalopram I suffer from is sexual sedation-- numbness, lack of libido, anorgasma-- but we've tried other meds, we've tried getting it to as low of a dose as possible while supplementing with buproprion and others, but it's what works for me. Today, my psychiatrist brought up the potential of viagra helping, but there's little research supporting the use of viagra in women to help with sexual side effects of antidepressants. Does anyone else have any experience with this? Or know of studies with this? My psychiatrist is in the process of getting it approved for me to try out, but it may be denied and I may have to go to my pcp or gynecologist to try and make a case for it and having something to back up the idea would be helpful.
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self.depression
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My goal for the new year is to seek therapy Today is my day off and all I’ve done is move from my bed to my couch. When I’m not at work, I’m constantly laying in bed and sitting on my phone. It’s been like this for years. I don’t know how I’m not 400lbs.
My best friends fiancé killed himself recently and I told myself I needed to seek therapy soon because I’m afraid of doing the same to my family.
It’s easy to say I’ll go, but hard to actually do it.
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self.depression
|
Not sure where else to post this, but can anyone help a college kid fighting depression with an Appeal of Dismissal to get back into college? I tried to post this on a proof reading sub but it's pretty inactive.
After a long struggle I recently decided to seek medical help and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. Although i finally have a plan towards recovery and medication as my tool, i chose to seek help after this past semester had ended.
Due to my mental illness I couldn't do my best academically to get out of my academic probation (a result of failing to seek help earlier than later) and such I'm facing dismissal from my college. All i needed is one more semester to graduate.
But there is hope :), I chose to appeal the dismissal and had to write a 3 paragraph max explaining the circumstances that affected my academic performance and a plan towards success.
Here is a link to guidelines and my finished petition: https://drive.google.com/open?id=11g3mmfG5uUOe5wCMQZlUZKpZgzp-HZRf
All i ask is for someone to please proof read the short petition for me. Or offer suggestions. Its due Jan the 9th but I want to finish it and submit it ASAP.
Thank you!
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self.depression
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I feel so bad that it makes me sick to my stomach.
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self.depression
|
Spent 3 weeks alone to try and end it. One more day left. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m alive for only one reason I want to kill myself so badly, I’m just holding on to the hope that maybe one day, I’ll find someone that I can say “I love you” to and mean it. And have them mean it to. If that glimmer of hope flickers out, I’ll be dead.
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self.offmychest
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The moment after socializing always make me feel depressed. First a bit of background. I got depressed after a horrible breackup with my ex bf (27 year old). I broke up with him after I learned he cheated on me. He told anybody who would listen how I was a horrible gf, while leaving out that he had cheated on me. He also said that I broke up with him for no reason. So yes, he made my life a living hell. It is about a year since I recovered from it all and I got my life back together (without him).
Ever since I started to get depressed, I always had these moments where my depression got worse after I had a fun time with socializing with friends/family.
It's been some time since I recovered from the depression, atleast I think I recovered, and haven't felt bad most of the time. That said, every time I have friends/family over or do something fun with friends I get this huge episode where I'm feeling utterly depressed. First I dismissed it, but it happened every time.
Today, after having a very fun day with my family, I litterly crawled up on my couch and I felt like it was back in my depression (not in the mood to do anything, no appetite, ect.). I realized this so I came here to talk about it.
Does anyone else have these kind of "hangovers" and does anyone have an idea how I can do anything about it?
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self.depression
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After weeks of being incapable to shower regularly, I managed to do it every single day this year! [deleted]
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self.depression
|
My Complex Relationship With Social Media Loneliness, mental breakdowns, fights... these are words to describe what social media has been like for me.
I foolishly decided to return to social media in 2015. Since then, I’ve had numerous breakdowns - which has then led to numerous fights. They’ve all been with my father, of course. I do not like him and I do not care about him. I wish him no harm, but I don’t care much about him. Still, the anger I’ve felt during those times have made me feel uneasy. I’d sit there at home, feeling lonely and crying, and I’d think about things that sucks about my life. Me being on social media and seeing my father posting pictures of me, while simultaneously painting a picture of himself as a loving father, made me furious. This brought forth feelings I’d suppressed for years, and as a consequence I felt even worse. The fighting this led to didn’t make matters any better.
As far as feeling lonely goes... seeing the amount of friends I had on Facebook was the equivalent of seeing the amount of people who wishes nothing to do with me. I didn’t talk to any of them, we didn’t chat or comment on each others pictures etc. it was just a constant reminder of how alone I truly am. I’m sure you can imagine how it feels to see people painting perfect pictures of their lives, while you sit there behind your screen despising your life. It doesn’t help any. This is why it’s so liberating to delete everything going into this new year. No more of this painful stuff. I’ll still feel lonely, mind you, but it won’t be as bad. There also won’t be any unnecessary drama on social media (I really don’t have a good relationship with my father). No more feelings hurt (some people wrote some hurtful things about me in a group a couple of years ago. Left me in tears.)... just nada.
I’ve now given you an introduction to my relationship with social media... So what’s your relationship with social media like?
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self.offmychest
|
My anxiety story I have had crippling anxiety since I was 19 years old. I went to college far away from home and suddenly had all these fears. I was diagnosed as a hypercondriac (sorry for the miss spelling) my fear of throwing up just got worse. and we all know w anxiety you feel naesous. I spent so many nights sleeping on the bathroom floor making frantic phone calls.
I went from everyday anxiety and almost failing out of college to finally telling myself I was missing out on a great college experience.
My anxiety started to become crippling when I graduated from college and was deciding where I was going to go next. These panic attacks had me dry heaving and sleeping the days away on xanax.
After a long summer of miserary and a million antidepressants tried. I was put on Ativan. I ended up landing a job in NYC. With distraction I had very little time to feel anxious.
Now I am going through change again. I was laid off at my company and I haven’t slept or ate in 3 weeks. When I go out with friends drinking I will eat and then i’ll pass out. I feel like I drink so much to not concentrate on the anxiety but waking up hungover and feeling sick gives me the most anxiety.
I just wanted to share my story in hope that someone else understands.
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self.Anxiety
|
Medication required I just completed an intake with a psychiatric social worker who diagnosed me as bipolar type 2. She suggested medication to stop my mood swings, but I’m not sure I want to be on medication for the rest of my life. When I expressed this to her, she stated that talk therapy would not help my mood swings. She made it clear only medication would stabilize moods. She also only has appointments for me once every month and a half. With my insurance I can only use their facilities, and if I were to see a pay scale therapist without insurance I would be paying $50 a week, which is a lot for me, especially if talk therapy is not even going to help. I guess I just wanted to vent and see other’s experiences.
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self.bipolar
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To every person that feels my silence and absence is an act contempt: [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I miss having interests to distract from feeling depressed [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else accept their fate? Does anyone else accept the fact that you are depressed and that you wont get out of it? Makes things easier for me, instead of fighting it just learning how to cope with it.
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self.depression
|
I'm suffocating even though I'm breathing. Feels like my carbon monoxide poisoning. Everything is so empty, so void of meaning, it won't fill my lungs.
I spent seventeen of the last twenty-four hours sleeping. Not all at once. My head is cotton wool, my thoughts murky. My cough will accompany me until I kill myself.
I turned to an old friend, who just set the cops at me. I even turned to a would-be wife, who turned out to be just another borderliner. I turned to professional institutions who would just lock me up, were worthless or have given up.
The days are so long now, so heavy, so smothering. I can't imagine to endure too many of them anymore. A week? Two? Just a few more days?
Enough strain and suffering until I release myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Missing you.. again At random times each day, i remember you.
It seems everything around me, reminds me of you.
Every morning when i wake up, i stare blankly at my phone, remembering the "good morning" messages you used to send me.
During my day, how i used to tell you everything about it.
At night, how it makes me rested when i see your "good night" and "take care" messages.
I've been restless since that day.
I wake up too early
I go to sleep too late
Most of the times, i remember those moments we shared.
And i know I'd drop everything just to have one hug from you.
I missed my friend
I missed my confidant
Funny how many friends surround me each day, but it is still you i long to talk to.
Ironic how i overwork myself just not to think of you
But i am consumed by thoughts of you
I can't go on pretending that i feel nothing
That i am okay
That i'll be fine
The truth is, i miss you so much.
Yet, i am hopeful that this too shall pass.
But for now, let me miss you and shed these tears.
And im done.
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self.offmychest
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