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my doctor is leaving to go work impatient Today was our last visit and I had no idea. I have been working with her for 2.5 years and she was the first person to see after being diagnosed. I feel very sad. I wanted to cry today when she said she was adding me to another doctor there. I never really liked the practice and only like her. She was very nice and really helped me out of my spots where other doctors may not have done anything. I was just about to tell her I was feeling emotionally flat and to maybe switch something but I didn't say anything. Have you guys switched doctors a lot?
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self.bipolar
|
Does anyone else think being alone is not really a problem? I mean, of course being around people you like feels good, socialize with people you like is healthy, but when i'm alone i don't think this is a problem, i can go years like this...
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self.depression
|
I dont know what to do Hello everyone. I'm a 14 year old boy in high school, my second to last year of it. For the past couple of months i've been feeling really down and not motivated to do anything. Going out with friends isnt fun anymore, my favorite food tastes bland, and I just cant seem to get myself to be productive. Im not doing alot of my homework and im not studying which is affecting my exam marks. I constantly find myslef searching things up like "I have no motivation to do anything". I read a few articles and watched a few videos and it seems like im displaying signs of depression. I dont know why im depressed, I have tons of friends who love me, my family is ok (even though its a bit complicated atm), we dont have any financial issues, I go to one of the best schools in my country, I just dont know why I feel this way. Recently its been getting worse. I havnt been eating as much (I have no motivation to), im avoiding talking to people, im getting angry faster, im zoning out alot at school (even during break). Its just so annoying since I have no reason to be depressed I just wish it would go away. Im asking for advice, I havnt told anyone except for my best friend. She told me to go tell my parents but I dont want to it feels selfish idk why. Does anyone know what I can do?
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self.depression
|
Long time sufferer of Anxiety, finally Reached out for help and am terrified of what's next (Lexapro) Hi Everyone! I have been a long time sufferer of anxiety, pretty much my whole life, now 31 years old. Started when I was young, but would go through waves as life does. As an adult I learned to deal with it and unknowingly self medicated through caffeine (as it promotes more serotonin in your brain) for years. I sailed through my twenties only crippled with a few anxiety attacks a year during mostly stressful life events. Then within the past year (2017) my anxiety took a turn for the worst. My work life became increasingly more stressful and I started to pull away from things that I loved as I starting getting panic attacks more frequently and didn't want to have panic attacks in public. I quit caffeine abruptly which I thought would help my anxiety, but I feel this was the catalyst for total brain meltdown as my brain hasn't felt "right" ever since. I kept pushing myself to maintain normality, then around Thanksgiving had the worst panic attack I've ever had which lead to a month of complete hell. Every day I would wake up and it was as if my anxiety wanted to replay that panic attack every day. I would wake up in sheer panic and could hardly eat. I lost significant weight and spiraled into this cloud of anxiety doom. With help from my husband and family I have pulled myself out and am now eating a bit more and finally saw a psychologist who was really great yesterday. I have been taking ativan intermittinly when the anxiety is too much to bear, and she suggested I take it as I ease into my prescription of lexapro. I have read many success stories on here about lexapro and I am nervously excited as I know my serotonin levels are so out of whack and am praying this medication brings me my life back. I am also terrified of the side effects. I suffer from emeteophobia which is where most of my anxiety comes from, and on top of it I have a nasty cold right now that is causing bad headaches. I know I should just take the pill, but am looking for encouraging words and stories to help me get through this. I just want my life back!
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self.Anxiety
|
Therapy: I can never say what's on my mind Does anyone else really struggle with expressing their thoughts and emotions to their therapist when in a session? I quit it a few months ago (horrible mistake, I'm going back in a couple weeks) because I felt like I was going nowhere because there was nothing to actually talk about, when in fact, there's so much.
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self.Anxiety
|
Most people get sick of me complaining and shutting down from being so anxious and having panic attacks so I make music for people who feel the same way. Give a listen I KNOW what you deal with https://open.spotify. com/artist/0PiI8uea1wH6TqlVnYoVIp?si=LyKjH5bdQzG5az-J2OpEAA (combine the . And the C in the link on your webpage)
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self.Anxiety
|
Importance of looking in the mirror I have been an anxious soul my entire life. It’s been like screaming on the inside while everyone treats me in this lighthearted manner. I lived in a bubble, not really sure how to move in most situations.
What I came to realize is how important symbols are to my perception. For me, many symbol associations in my brain have been hijacked by the programming of my parents. Sadly, recognizing this isn’t really enough.
Meditation has helped greatly but sometimes my brain gets too quiet and I don’t feel like I am progressing. What I found that helped is meditating, eyes open, looking in my bathroom mirror.
I do this while taking deep breaths throughout my whole body. I stick my chest out, I look at myself up and down and continuously find different aspects of my reflection to observe. My own face sparks so many symbols. It sparks my brain and I can feel myself sorting through the hijacked symbolism in my head. Doing this for ten minutes daily has been quite a nice exercise for me.
It has helped with accountability and helped me get out of my head more. Just a little something for you to try if you want to feel something.
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self.Anxiety
|
I can't walk further, you have to leave me here. Hello SuicideWatch,
Here I am again.
I feel so dead and empty since years. Years that went by like there is no future, but only day after day.
I just try to live this life one more day every day. Can you relate to the feeling when the sun rises, and you know you 're still here. Every evening I hope I'll be somewhere else and someone else... i fucked up my school when I was younger and now I'm working for minimum wage as a slave. I mean I feel like I am a slave... i really hate my job. But i want to do something and don't want my family to think I am a failure.
I don't live for my own. I live to pretend for others I am a normal happy person, but right now I'm crying. I am a man. What is wrong with me... I have a breakdown... I WANT TO BREAK OUT BUT I CAN'T DO IT ALONE ... PLS is someone out there... someone help me... please... oh god why...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I now understand what a mental breakdown can be like The guilt has just been too much for me, not always from what I've done, but what I have let happen. Someone who I previously called my best friend was raped in front of me last year, and i was too damn stoned and scared to process what the hell was going on. I saw a kid get locked in a dog cage and beaten with a belt when I was a kid and then...I'm not really sure. My memory just blanks from there.
I've talked to some of the people who were there and who did it and they laugh at the whole situation. Maybe I am remembering it wrong or something but I just don't know, that wasn't a human thing to do. All I remember is some immense sense of dread, of some wrong doing or horror,
Hell, I'm not even sure why I am typing this. No one will see this but I just needed to get it out someway, so much has happened, so much that i can't reverse, so much that scars people for life, what the fuck else have i done that I don't remember.
The hallucinations(more like vivid intrusive mental pictures) and mild prescription amphetamine addiction don't help, nor does the prerequisite to suicide or the possibility of going deaf in one ear. The stress is too much, i can't hold this in any longer. Maybe the therapist isn't enough, maybe the prozac doesn't work anymore or maybe I am being irrational to all of this.
I need to check myself into a hospital i need to do SOMETHING. i don't want to break down in the bathroom again i don't want those fucking images to come back I just want it all to end!
tl;dr Thanks for taking interest in my post, but you should probably go, there's more interesting things worth reading and I'm just going insane.
P.S. I'm sorry if you did read it. My mind is not a beautiful or coherent thing.
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self.offmychest
|
[HELP] Any subreddit or reditors sharing their deepest thoughts? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm trying my hardest to be a good single father, by my ex is a raging C word. I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter that means the world to me. I look forward to my days with her throughout the week.
Earlier this week, my ex asked if she could keep our daughter on my overnight scheduled visit so she could attend a performance. I agreed. No problem.
Last night, I was getting ready to take my daughter home to ex, and realized I was going to be late. Shot a text over "omw running late"
So when I get there, she starts insisting on an explanation. No, I told you I was going to be late. You are entitled to notice, not explanation. This is when she said that she was about to call the cops on me. At this point I remembered I'm dealing with a crazy person, I start leaving, and she starts cussing a bunch, didn't really hear what she said (in front of our child) and later sends a bunch of texts how I "can't be trusted" and "will no longer be dropping her off at the end of my visits anymore"
She regularly tries these power plays where she tries to tell me what I can do, who I can be with, which relatives I can let watch out child, what food I can or can't feed her, what kind of TV she watches.... Everything. Each time I've pretty much said "yeah, no" because as the mediator explained to her in court, my time is MY time, and she doesn't get to control it.
I can't believe I'm stuck with this person. I will be filing for 50 50 soon, and if it comes it a complete custody switch, based on violations of several items in our court order on multiple occurrences. These would include :
- Parent is not to use child as a messenger, no are they to involve the child in parental disagreements.
- Parent is to facility appropriate and timely phone communication with the other parent.
- Holidays must be negotiated 1 month in advance
Also, there have been instances where she doesn't notify me of a change in drop off location (supposed to be school, sometimes she just takes the kid and leaves, doesn't tell me) and also instances where my daughter is saying "mommy says the police are going to take you to jail because you don't care of me".
I guess that's my rant. I'll be filing for change of custody. I'm tired of this garbage, and I don't really have any one I can talk to about this. Thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
|
Going to er Well guys if you go through my post history you’ll see that I’ve made a plan a very detailed plan. Tonight I finally broke completely and decided to go to the er to get evaluated and I’m hoping that it’ll get me some help cause I do need help I need to focus on me and make me better and I’m trying but it’s so fucking hard. I told my bf that it feels like I’m sinking on a burning ship that has like 8 different bombs that I don’t know how to defuse. I have some one from my work follow me there in there car so they can make sure I get there safely and not back out. I feel sick to my stomach I haven’t drank anything except for like 12oz of coffee so and I’m a cna so I run around a lot. I’ve only had a pizza pocket and like less than a cup of mashed potatoes in 12 hours. I feel so broken and I feel like I’m just a shell of myself and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being depressed and suicidal all the time. Thanks for listening to me. I have no idea what’ll happen when I get there :/ kinda hope they send me away somewhere but at the same time I really don’t I don’t know I really don’t :(
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else get anxiety when scheduling and attending doctor’s appointments? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Mom I told my mom about how I found out me biting and hitting my head is a form of self harm you know... to try and talk about it. She just did what she usually does... tells me it’s stupid and I’m just ruining her walls for trying and making a hole in them and if anything I should use the trees outside instead of destroying the house.
She always does this. I try and talk to her about it because my councilor says it’s best to talk to a parent about these things, but she always makes me feel... gross and like my feeling don’t matter.
I went to the ER one time because I was suicidal. I wasn’t at the moment but my school counselor felt it was imperative I leave because I could be a danger to myself. My mom drove me but while she was talking to the counselor, she would wipe her eyes like she was crying. As soon as we got out of the ER and drove home she dropped the act and joked about me being suicidal. I talked to her about it, how it came close to where I learned how to tie a noose (she interrupted me with “You learned how to tie a noose? Show me some time”) and wanted to hang myself outside while they were away. She said I better not hang myself on her big tree and the other less pretty ones were fine. I know she was joking but it still hurt because I was vulnerable at the moment. I’m cool with jokes on committing suicide but I was slinking back to my low as she was doing it. On the drive home... I felt like hanging myself on her biggest tree just rub in her face that it’s a serious matter.
I cry a lot. I cry when I’m mad, and frustrated and everyone in my family mocks me... I don’t vent to my mom because she makes me feel even more like shit for having emotions and wonders why I don’t come to her. She says she wants me to, but every time I do, she gets mad at me. I once had an anxiety attack at the post office and had to go in the car to cry it out because I was feeling light headed. As I cried in the car my mom came out and I quickly hid my tears. I don’t like when she sees me cry because she always. Rolls her eyes and mocks me about it “really? You’re crying again?” She would say. But I was quick on my feet, but she saw my nose was red. I told her I didn’t like it when she saw me cry because she was just going to make fun of me, and she lashed out saying, “I understand crying when you’re frustrated.” Which would have been good there, but again... she continued, making feel weak for crying.
I don’t like confronting her and she has told me to my face that I’m weak because I want hugs, because I cry and have emotions. That I’m not going to commit suicide and that it’s my fault I’m like this because I “read into people.” If you say something, I’m going to take it as I take it. I’m not twisting it into unrecognizable lies. I understand miscommunication. If you say “oh wow, you look cute today” I’m not going to be like “WHAT AN I UGLY THE REST OF THE WEEK?!?!?!! YOU PIGGG!!!!” No... I know my outfit is cuter than the rest i wore, but they don’t seem to understand that I, a human being, has feelings.
It gets to a point where she rolls her eyes and sighs when I ask her to call a physiatrist for me because it’s “too much work.”
I warned her of my suicidal beginnings years back but she brushed it off as nothing and compares me to her mom who was just like me. She was miserable. And I don’t blame her. But just because she died of breast cancer and not Suicide, it makes it okay that I live the way I live.
I really don’t like talking to my mom and I’m starting to see her as a distant person I use to grow up with. She’s just a bully. And it’s growing more to a point where I feel I have no one to keep me grounded...
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self.depression
|
Bipolar Diagnoses - How is it done? Can someone shed some light into how it's carried out?
What are the signs of being or like red flag to conclude a person to have bipolar? The questions I've been reading online, everyone has those kind of symptom and is part of life.
What sets say, bipolar apart from say, 'normal' people.
The thing which I find really bothering is the fact there are classes of bipolar. Say, when you don't even have bipolar, the docs could some how fix you into some classification of bipolar, say Bipolar 1. How can you NOT be diagnosed with bipolar considering the question they ask are so vague and everyone would say yes to all.
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self.bipolar
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I feel guilty that I'm hating pregnancy and that I'm so annoyed with my husband. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Laid off for the third time in three years. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
How can someone with depression make friends? I have been diagnosed with depression 3 years ago and every time i attempt to form friendships, they either fail or never last for too long. I have zero friends and i am not exaggerating. The loneliness exacerbates my depression. How can i make stable friendships? is anyone in the same boat?
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self.depression
|
My life has gone to shit? So here is my story. I (f) married the love of my life (also f) 2 years ago. We both have multiple psych diagnosis under our belts (not the point of the post, but it plays in). Anyway, she is super sexually charged, so we came to the decision to open up our marriage. This was all well and good until one of her tinder finds ended up moving in to our home after he was kicked out of his apartment. I've realized that she loves him. She still says she loves me and also loves him. This has thrown me into the most depressed spiral I've experienced in my entire adult life. How the hell do I pull myself out of this without losing the one relationship in my life that I actually care to continue?
Insomnia and overthinking are going to land me back in the hospital, someone please offer some advice...
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self.depression
|
My mom died today. My mom died and it sucks and hurts and I hate it. You think when you know it’s coming and it has been for over a year it might not suck so much. Nope still sucks. Everything hurts and I have to plan funeral things and travel things and talk to everyone on the phone all day and then plan more things. I just want to sleep and cry but I lay down and think of more things that have to be done and more people to talk to.
But I’ve never felt more love in one day either.
Life is weird and awful and beautiful all at the same time.
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self.offmychest
|
I’ve finally decided Today was my breaking point. I’ve been thinking about suicide for the longest but now it’s becoming pretty realistic. I can’t go on anymore. Everything hurts but I feel numb at the same time. I have nothing to live for. Today I made the terrible mistake of admitting to my sister that I want to die, sometimes. She seemed to care but seeing as everything I’ve caused there’s no point. She said that depressed people cant take care of themselves and need someone else to make decisions for them. It hurt more than it should. I’m worthless.
I’m not going anywhere in life and I truly don’t want to. I want to escape and I know this will be forever. I have a sense of calmness and I know it’s going to suck because I keep thinking about my family but for the first time, I’m thinking about myself. All the pain is going to be over and I can’t wait for it. I’ll probably do it over the weekend, when no one is around. I feel relieved.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Mania I often see people (on here/other mental health subreddits) expressing happiness when they say they were manic or had a manic episode.
But I hate it. My mania is the thing that makes me want to get a knife out and slide across my neck. I have no control over myself. I develop tremors and can't stop moving. I want to smash things. Get a hammer and put holes in my walls and through the windshield of my car. I can't even set down to write a whole email. I'll type a few words, then go and walk or spas out, then come back and do it all again.
I've gotten manic while driving before or felt it come on, and one of the only things that helps at the time is to stick a knife in my leg. Not inside my leg, but just putting the tip on my flesh and putting just enough pressure to focus on the pain instead of mania.
I have an anxiety med that works to help (Klonopin) but taking my max dosage doesn't always help. my max is 4mg, but I've taken up to 20mg before.
When I'm manic is the time when I cry the most.
*Thank you for reading my rant. I apologize if it's a bit of a ramble in some parts. Hopefully, it's clear enough, though.*
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self.bipolar
|
Sometimes, whenever i feel good, my brain tells me to kill myself.
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self.Anxiety
|
Wrote another poem today. They always said…
…do what you love.
…follow your passions.
…chase your dreams.
…live life to the fullest.
…listen to your heart.
…be yourself.
When your love runs dry,
And the world is left in gray decay,
What do you do then?
When your passions are dead,
The spark is gone, and the light keeps retreating,
What do you do then?
When your dreams are out of reach,
Nothing more than meaningless noise in your mind,
What do you do then?
When life laughs at every turn,
Taunting and sneering, jeering and belittling,
What do you do then?
When your heart has stopped speaking,
Become shriveled, unused, and empty,
What do you do then?
When you look in the mirror,
And see only a skeleton starring back at you,
What do you do then?
They don’t know.
They can’t know.
What do I do?
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self.depression
|
Finally had a breakthrough I've been lurking here for a while, and you guys have been incredibly helpful. When I read your stories and your advice I don't feel alone. I've been living alone for the first time since September. In the end of October anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been trying to figure out why this is happening and how to deal with it since then. I've been in counseling, and I learned a few new strategies, but nothing major. I usually walked out of the appointments feeling worse than I did before. Today, I think I figured out why I've been an anxious wreck. I grew up with an alcoholic, emotionally abusive parent. There was always something going on at home, but living alone, I don't have to deal with all of that drama and bullshit. My counselor thinks that it could be that I'm almost just waiting for something bad to happen, but it's not, so my mind is creating crises. I think that she is right, it's given me a lot of peace to know why I'm dealing with this right now. I wanted to share this, because I hope that it might help someone else.
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self.Anxiety
|
What medications have worked for you? I've been on Lexapro for about 3 months for depression. It reduced the symptoms of the depression, but anxiety is still a problem, and Lexapro doesn't seem to help with my anxiety.
Next time I see my doctor, I will ask him about medications specifically for anxiety. I feel like I need medications because it really gets in the way of being a functional member of society.
I can't really work anywhere because i'm too nervous and get overwhelmed extremely easy. I feel like my mind is way too active in situations that make me anxious, over-analyzing everything, and becoming stressed. It feels like it's physically impossible for me to relax and think straight.
What medications has everyone tried and which ones seem to work effectively? I don't really care what class of drug it is either; it could be benzos, SSRI's, SNRI's, just anything that i could take to get relief
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self.Anxiety
|
Topamirate Has anyone else taken this for Bipolar II and has experiences they can tell me about? I’m taking it as a mood stabilizer and migraine medication, and for weight loss.
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self.bipolar
|
it’s almost two weeks that I’ve been talking Bupropion and I feel very anxious? Is that normal? It will pass with time?
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self.bipolar
|
I suffer from pretty severe generalized anxiety. Or it feels severe to me, anyways. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I've Never been close to killing myself as today. Just i can feel myself losing everything. My life has absolutely gone to shit, i feel trapped. I can't leave my house ever because i cant drive my car. I have no friends or anything and just like im honestly so tired of everything. Death is the only thing i look forward to now. i dont want to grow old or get friends or do anything. i know in this society and this world you cant be like that so like deaths the only thing i look forward to
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self.SuicideWatch
|
hurting loved ones I just got an evalution for smi (seriously mentally ill) and I found to be elgible, not a surprise to me my mind is all kinds of twisted yet Im intelligent
I also got a recent diagnosis of psychosis then bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified)
Im so delusional Im the biggest critic of myself
Im a victim of long term abuse (emotional, sexual, and munchausen by proxy and narcissistic parents) and the result of that all Is that I cant love myself but I do try, Im with a boy whos the only one thats truly been there I do feel guilty as though my illnesses have taken a toll on him.. I get very jealous and sensitive I try to give him all the love I can and make things right.. I feel like a burden and just depressed Ive been prescribed seroquel which helped with my auditorial halluncinations and I dont 'switch' so rapid or intensely and for the most part the delusions I have of people after me is fading
afterall my past 2 suicide attempts were mainly caused by the belief everyone wanted me to die and were plotting to kill me so I tried to do it myself so I could be in 'control of my own death' and the first one (Nov 13th 2017) I had been up, tried to OD on cough medicine in the middle of target admitted myself in the hospital and tried to escape a couple times, ended up assaulting 1 medical staff then had to be completely restrained and shot up with ativan was gunna go to jail
had quite a few encounters with the police but I admitted myself after telling an officer I was talking to an officer I had told them I was talking to a nurse and they told me I wasnt talking to anyone.. I was all alone that whole day and even in the hospital everyone seemed to be more understanding when I broke down and talked about my feelings which was because I thought they were gunna kill me and I told them
'Whatever you do to me please keep it peaceful, I never got to live a good life Ive just been living a life of suffering'
and this is coming from an 18 year old girl who was doing a few grams of meth a day, being told things about myself I can't even recall.. Im sober and I have more clarity now .. And Im doing better too but I feel like a burden and guilty for the damage ive caused to my love ones through my self destruction my boyfriend had to see me almost die.. I dont mind hurting myself but when It comes to hurting my loved ones cause of it I just feel so terrible yet I cant stop .. wish I didnt think about death when it comes to peace
Does anyone ever get this? feeling bad cause you hurt those around you with your mental illness but also feeling like you should push them away so it doesnt faze them if you end up dying .. I dont even live for myself I live to make others happy I hate when I make them sad or upset.. just scared they lie or just feel bad for me
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Therapy is my favourite part of the week It's amazing just how much better I feel after seeing my therapist for a single hour every 2 weeks. I always look forward to my sessions. Possibly the best investment in myself that I've ever made
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self.depression
|
Hello people with anxiety, you are not alone and you can overcome it. Hello I just wanted to share my story with you, to give all the people in need help with anxiety because I have been there. I was in my junior year in high school and I was enjoying life but it took a twist that I would have never have expected. I was playing video games and my heart beat went to 150 at a constant rate and I freaked out. I went to the hospital and they held me overnight and keep in mind that I thought I was gonna die that day because it was something that I never experienced. They told me that I had a pretty bad anxiety attack. After that I didn’t wanna go to school and I just wanted to go to stay in bed no matter what consequence it would have on my life at the moment. I got put on antidepressants which was a huge thing because those are pretty heavy duty drugs. I have been on them for a year and now am off with them happy with life. I just wanna say I am a survivor with heavy anxiety and if you are on antidepressants you are not alone and there is light at the tunnel. Set goals and you can reach them you are not the only one. Please get help because it might be hard but it is the best thing for you. No man I don’t care how strong or smart you are you need a helping hand with anxiety because it can overcome you. Everyone with anxiety can win the war and there is living proof!! Have a good day everyone and anyone who had sudden anxiety and found out the start is rough but keep a clear mind.
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self.Anxiety
|
I Think I've Hit Rock Bottom **this is a throwaway because there's a user on my main who harasses me whenever I make a post and because I have some friends on there**
So here it goes, I'm only 20 but I feel like I dont really have much hope for the rest of my life. This starts off in March. My first real relationship ended abruptly and it led to a bout of depression that I hadn't experienced so powerfully since high school. I lost 23 pounds in a month because I couldn't eat or find motivation to do anything. I lost a lot of friends during this time and I haven't been able to regain them. This break up triggered something in my brain and I haven't been fully happy since, I think it took away some of my last shreds of innocence and wonder I had about love and proved to me what I used to believe, no one will ever love me or keep me around long because I'm not worthy of it. When I was finally starting to get over the relationship I was sexually assaulted at a party. This set all the progress I had made towards getting better so far back.
The summer was good, I worked a lot and had a routine that I followed and enjoyed. Then school started again and things got bad again. I started seeing a psychologist who diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder. I was perscribed medicone by a psychiatrist but it made my depression worse and caused me to fall asleep while driving one day so I had to stop taking it. As time moved forward my anxiety and depression hit me again so rapidly and hard that I had to make the decision to drop out of college because I couldn't handle it. My parents did not take this news well understandably but I was not expecting their reaction at all. They discredited my diagnosis as me lying to them to get pity. I explain my depression and anxiety to them and they called me a liar and told me to grow up and stop being so sensitive.
I've been living at home since then and everyday is a constant struggle for me. My parents belittle me to no end (even though neither of them finished college ) and make sure they make fun of me depression and bipolar disorder every chance they get. On Wednesday my mother made fun of me to the point of full on panic attack in the middle of the food store because of my depression. Living like this is making everything worse but I have no where to turn to. I can't even imagine a future for myself anymore and I'm scared that my life is over and I hate myself for it.
I know a lot of people are just going to tell me to suck it up or move away but I can't just move away I have no where to go, no friends, nothing. I'm stuck here. I also have two little brothers who are basically my only source of happiness at this point. If I leave home now my parents will make sure I never see my brothers again.
I don't know why I posted this besides I guess just to vent. I don't really have anyone to talk to and this has all been weighing on me.
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self.offmychest
|
I don’t deserve anything I have, I don’t deserve anybody I know I know that in the end this will just be my self-pity party. But I want to get some stuff out of my chest.
I am not happy, but it is an absurd how I absolutely DON’T deserve anything I have. I don’t deserve to be where I am; I don’t deserve my financial conditions. A lot of people are better than me - a lot of people actually DESERVE all that I have, and don’t have it. Why? I don’t even make the most of what I have. I am a waste.
I don’t learn from my mistakes. I am not generous. I am not selfless. I am not thoughtful enough. I think I am the most selfish person I know, or at least I am between the 5 more selfish people I know. I am terribly self-absorbed. A lot of people are generous to me; I don’t know what I would be without them. But I don’t actually *deserve* this treatment. I don’t know if I have ever been this helpful to someone else.
So I think my very existence is a proof of how the world isn’t fair.
|
self.Anxiety
|
How do you know when you are depressed? I've been browsing on this subreddit for a bit, and I'm really identifying with a lot of people on this subreddit. I've grown up with people who suffered from depression but I never really considered myself to be depressed. It wasn't until I really looked at this subreddit did I begin to question if I am suffering from the same illness that plagues a lot of people. Is there a way to tell if this is a medical or a psychological thing?
|
self.depression
|
Stupid crush anxiety You know when you say something to someone you admire and whatever you said sounds normal at first, then later on you stress about it because she may have taken it a wrong way and may think of you in a weird way. Then you have anxiety whether to clear it up the next day, but then you think you if you did try to clear it up it would sound so stupid because whether or not she remembers, she'll think you worry to much and put you in an even more awkward spot. But if you do choose not to talk about it, you may overthink your next contact, because what if she is distant because she thinks your weird? Because of that thing you said a day ago? You might even worry that you'll be acting weird because your mind is still on that thing a day ago and because of that you worry even more of how you act. Then you just hate yourself for thinking this way and wish you could stop thinking about her, because its the most logical and smart thing to do, because this anxiety is all in your head and she might even forgot about it. Yet, you still fall into this cycle again and this is not your first encounter. Yeah, I hate when this happens. I know people are dealing with way way more worse things than I can be worrying about. I mean its f-ing high school, HS feelings and relationships so stupid and irrelevant when it comes to bigger things in life. Like I am still trying to find out what to do after high school. I just thought I could find some people who can relate and just talking about it would help me chill.
You know when you know you should find someone else, yet she is the only one you see? YET you wish you never saw her because its pointless.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Losing hope Short story long, but I've been fighting some mental/physical thing for about 10 years that turned out to be bipolar 2. I was finally diagnosed this past April after several major depressive crises and then a hospitalization. Lost my job because of it. Fought hard to become stable again and got another job to help pay the bills. I was put on SSRIs with way too many other drugs that interacted with it and got serotonin syndrome and had to go cold turkey to get off them. I'm on lamictal and Topamax with klonopin as needed for anxiety and have been in a major spiral downwards for a couple months now that I've been trying to fight/ignore. I can't get to work anymore and am now on probation and will probably be unemployed again soon.
I'm so tired, I thought I was getting stable but am now seeing that I'm far from any form of stability. I'm ruining everything my husband and I have worked for because I just am so useless. I hate myself so much for everything.
|
self.bipolar
|
How to get through to people that you can be depressed even when there's nothing exactly wrong with your life? I've been on and off depression for my entire life, sometimes it can be triggered by a traumatic event, but in most cases it just happens.
I have friends, I have a good job, I have a roof over my head, and I have hobbies that make me happy.
However, I still go through episodes of just feeling completely alone, sad, and suicidal. I'm at the point where I've just accepted it and try to roll with it until it goes away for a few days and I can feel somewhat normal.
But unfortunately, none of my family or friends can really understand it. They get angry at me for being depressed or spending days locked in my room. I tell them that I can't control it, but they always say I'm just acting out. Like no, fuck off Debra why would anyone want to act like they're depressed?
I just want people to understand that depression can just happen, for no reason, and that's ok.
|
self.depression
|
I finally made it. I can't really share this with people in real life, because it'll just look like I'm bragging. But dammit, I want to be proud, and I want to brag.
After an extremely poor recruiting season last year and just a rough year in general (dumped a good person, my worst semester to date, falling out with parents, diagnosed with depression), I'm clawing my way out of that hole. I've hit my stride when it comes to class, I'm balancing my heaviest semester to date, I started lifting seriously, and I'm receiving job offers left and right. I can afford to be choosey with the companies that want me. I rejected Google because they were taking too long to get back to me.
It feels good, dammit. I got here by working hard. It's paying off. I'm doing fucking well. I'm not going to let anyone tell me otherwise, I know I'm fucking successful and I'm proud of it. Fuck the fake modesty, I'm sick of it. Yes, I'm depressed, but I worked my ass off and it fucking shows.
I'm not going to let stupid brain chemistry hold me back. There are always greater heights, and I'm going to keep climbing. In the words of Muhammad Ali, I'm gonna show you, how great I am. I've gotten this far; I'm going to go further.
I'm more resilient now. My failures don't define me. I'm successful because I worked my way up, and nobody can ever take that away from me.
|
self.offmychest
|
My boyfriend made my anxiety and depression about him. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Love is hard My SO is amazing. We’ve been together for six months but have known each other for years. He’s loving, supportive, patient and understanding. On days where I feel good and level-headed I accept him for who he is and I am madly in love with him. However whenever I’m depressed or anxious I keep thinking of reasons to break up with him.
His place is a mess, and even though he has been working on it, I have doubts it will ever get done. I’m not seeing changes fast enough and worry about what will happen when we move in together. I consider breaking up with him over this.
Some of his kinks threw me off at first, but I accepted them. In fact I began to enjoy them. Now suddenly I’m freaked out and disgusted by what I was okay with before and feel like I can’t be with someone who likes these things.
I worry that my depression will be too much for him to handle and end up pushing him away, and I consider ending it before that has a chance of happening.
I feel like I fall out of love with him when he’s not around (tbh I’ve been experiencing this sort of thing for 20 years, and I sometimes wonder if I do love/can love anyone). Any time I talk to him about my feelings on various issues I feel reassured and I’m always happier when I’m with him. I just don’t know how to deal with these feelings when I’m alone and when I’m not able to talk to him.
Anyone else experience this sort of thing? Any suggestions?
|
self.depression
|
20 mg of hydrocodone and vodka. Wrote an I love you note, and I'm not scared. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Friends Back in high school i could go days without interacting with anyone and staying home alone comfortably with my thoughts. Recently ive been going through a rough patch in life. I can no longer stay alone comfortably as I used to. I feel Im suffocating when Im alone at night. Talking to friends usually makes me feel better but I dont want to be dependent on anyone. And I hate it when my "friends" talk about my insecurities as if its a laughing matter.
Why do I feel restless at night and what do i do to stop it?
|
self.depression
|
my depression has made me hate everyone that is well I look at people that have it all together and I just can’t help but hate them. How are they doing it? What’s different about their life to mine? I don’t fucking get it. The same goes for people I stumble upon on social media. I may see a tweet that says “i’m so happy right now, my life is so good” followed by pictures of them hanging with friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and I block them. Yeah I know it’s so fucking stupid. I block people I don’t even know and hate them because they are well and thankfully don’t have to suffer from this terrible disease. I hate myself. I hate the way I think.
|
self.depression
|
Skipping meals and anxiety Anyone else notice heightened anxiety after skipping a meal? I’ve been dieting since Monday and have always skipped breakfast whether on a diet or not. But now that I have a calorie deficit, I’m a lot more hungry than normal in the mornings. It’s been making me feel kind of ‘off’ mentally until I eat something. I dropped 40lbs last year before my wedding and I’ve kept it off. I’ve still got another 20lbs or so to go and I’m ready to end my weight loss hiatus!
I’ll have to break my meals down a bit more to prevent that wonky feeling I guess.
Anyone else get this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I don't like watermelon I don't like watermelon.
I've never met anyone else who's noticed liked watermelon. Everyone just seems to love the thing.
I dislike it. I don't like it's texture. I don't like the seeds that you get with every bite. I don't like the huge mess it makes.
I just don't like watermelon.
|
self.offmychest
|
Bipolar maybe? I have a strong suspicion that I might be bipolar. My psychiatrist refuses to treat for anything other than anxiety and ptsd. Did anyone else self-diagnose correctly? Can you tell me how you went about getting a diagnosis? Or should I just listen to her and take the meds she gave me and hope for the best?
|
self.bipolar
|
Feeling like i have to be perfect around the holidays When I was a kid, it seemed like my parents were always correcting my behavior at Christmas. I couldn't figure out if the constant correcting was because I was a "bad" kid, or if I was good but that wasn't enough, I needed to be perfect. In hindsight, they were probably dealing with normal holiday stress - everything had to be perfect (or close to it) and I was part of that. I remember the conversation where my dad sat me down, exhasperated, and told me that a "good girl" would want to wear her pretty dress for grandma and grandpa because she wanted to make them happy (I hated getting dressed up). Every year we'd leave behind schedule and it felt like it was my fault, even years where I was ready hours ahead of schedule, it was still my fault because I didn't help enough, if I'd helped we would have left on time. That wasn't true, but people say things they don't mean when they're stressed, and when parents need their kids to cooperate they'll say whatever they think is gonna work.
But even as an adult, I feel like perfection is a moral imperative around the holidays. Look perfect - not overdressed or underdressed, offer to help but don't be annoying, stay out of the way but be sociable (being sociable is certainly easier now that I can drink) but I still worry that at any moment, I'll slip up and be taken aside to be corrected.
My parents meant well, and they're good people, so I know it's wrong to make it sound like my anxiety is their fault, I should be thankful for everything they've done, but then I feel like being perfect for mom and dad is part of showing that gratitude. It's cyclical and I feel awful for feeling this way.
Does anyone else feel this way over the holidays? They're not in charge of logistics yet but they need to be perfect around family? Does anyone else internalize other people's stress?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel alone, and rejected. There is so many problems in my life and i feel as if no one is really there even though they are. I have a big family but whenever i try to tell my dad my problems he just ignores me, yet he gives his other sons full attention. (Im the youngest sibling) and it just makes me feel unwanted, not to mention i barely have any friends or people there willing to talk to me. I have brothers but they dont take me seriously. No one does, im just living behind a mask. And as a 20 year old man with no one willing to direct me or encourage me just makes me even sadder. Considering i have horrible self esteem. And overall i just feel overshadowed by everybody else, and in the emd it makes me jealous and unhappy. And i fear of my future, i just have this feeling im gonna be left out from my entire family with no friends. (Sorry for this poorly written post, its hard to type on my small phone)
|
self.depression
|
Out of Weed I'm out of weed until next Friday--possibly longer if my wife keeps blowing money--and I'm feeling the irritability, inability to sleep, and upcoming depression.
I've never been diagnosed with depression, but I'd be willing to bet that I do, and marijuana has always alleviated the symptoms. Anyway, just curious if there are anymore tokers out there in depression-ville who'd like to comment or offer advice on coping without toking.
|
self.depression
|
Eliminating support from your partner The good news is that I got some sleep last night.
My husband came home from work and dropped our son off. I told him I was in really bad shape. I even had to reschedule tutoring because I didn't think I could drive safely.
My husband left immediately after he came home and I asked if he could bring some things back for me. He said sure, text him what I needed. I thought he would be gone for 45 minutes.
I texted him bananas, cherry juice, and magnesium because I read that can help sleep. He ignored my texts even though I saw he saw them. He didn't come home so I made my son some dinner.
I asked my son if he wanted more food and he said he would wait until dad came home and eat what he made. I said I didn't know when he would be home and it could be after bedtime. He wanted to wait so I said fine.
Finally after 2 hours he came home and had gone to the store but only got things for himself. He made my son and himself some more food and my son went to bed. I asked him why he didn't get anything I asked for and why he was gone for so long.
He told me that he needed to escape from me and spend time with his friends to unwind. I went to the store and got my own stuff. When I came back he basically said that he is my caretaker and it is draining on him. He does things that I don't even ask for like fill my pill box.
I told him fine, I didn't want any support from him anymore so he could live a happy life. He slept on the couch. We didn't say a word to each other this morning.
My question is how do I make sure he doesn't support me? He kept going on and on about the things he does for me. I don't want him to do any of those things anymore. I can fill my own pill box. I can make my own meals. I can do more work around the house.
How do I make sure he doesn't do anything to support me so he doesn't need to escape from me. That is horrid to have to escape from your partner.
|
self.bipolar
|
If I kill myself then she wins; I won't let her win. The only reason I haven't killed myself these past 15 years is because I know my suicide will just be another opportunity for my narcissist of a Mother to make everything about her and her strength and suffering.
I've been depressed since I was 10 years old. My entire life I was told that I was spoiled, ungrateful, manipulative, and 'exactly like my father'. I never asked to be born, certainly not to a family of narcissists.
Do you know what it's like to be told that you're a manipulative liar since you're 5 years old? Do you have any idea what it's like to question every good deed and gesture because it's always used to manipulate / guilt trip you in the end?
Do you have any idea what it's like to try to tell your Mother that you are depressed, only for her to literally laugh in your face, then get angry and call you a manipulative, ungrateful, spoiled little brat who doesn't appreciate how good he has it?
I've made my share of mistakes as anyone else has. But unlike other people they were never *my* mistakes. If I made a mistake then she would call everyone in our family, all of my friends, and all of *her* friends and tell them about the horrible things I did and how hard it is for her to be my Mother. Then she'd she'd parade me around them, emotionally tarred and feathered, then wonder why I have no drive to do do anything with my life / make friends / spend time with my family.
Do you have any idea what it's like to have your own Mother use your love for her, your love for your family, and your love for your friends, as a weapon against you? Do you have any idea what it's like to have her slander, libel, and defame your character to everyone you know, simply so that those same people will pity her and commend her on her strength as a person?
Eventually I broke free of her, but it wasn't enough. She gets to live happily-ever-after, careless to the fact that her only child loses sleep every night because of how much he truly *hates* her.
I want to die; I've wanted to die for decades, but I refuse to kill myself. I refuse to end my pain just to give her another soap box to climb on. I refuse to let my passing be an excuse for her to tell more lies about how horrible I am so that everyone will say, "Oh Kathy, I don't know how you did it! You are *so strong*!"
The **only** reason I haven't killed myself she wouldn't even let y own life be mine; it *has* to be about her. I wish she was dead. I want her to die knowing that her only son hates her with all of his soul. Then I can finally die in peace knowing that nobody will be able to claim my pain and struggle as their own.
Kathy, I fucking hate you. You are the worst human being I've ever met in my life, you have ruined more lives than you know, and you single-handedly alienated your only son from his friends and family because you didn't want to accept the fact that you were a terrible, selfish, narcissistic Mother.
The wonderful life you built for yourself came at my expense, both emotionally, and financially. Everything about yourself you hated, you pushed on to me. You told all my friends and family what a liar and a manipulator I was, which was a manipulative lie on your part to trick them into taking your side of an argument before even hearing mine.
There is a reason you've never had a friendship or relationship last longer than a year -- you can't keep up your act. For the first few months you are the most charming, benevolent, generous, open-minded person anyone could ever meet, but sooner or later that manipulative narcissist in you breaks forth.
What causes me the most pain is knowing that you're out there living in a house I helped pay for, filling my families' heads with lies about the horrible things I've done to you; which in truth, are actually horrible things you've done to me. That is how I know you're a sociopath -- everything you claim to hate about me, every flaw of mine you harp on, every negative thing you've ever said about me -- these are opinions only shared by you, and the weak-minded people who believe what you say because you're a very convincing sociopath.
Am I perfect? No. Have I made some horrible mistakes in life? Absolutely. But never once did you, or anyone else in the family ask me, "What happened? How do you plan on fixing this?"
Instead, you would drop in on them unexpected and in a complete flurry, pretending to be a concerned Mother trying to save her child, while you fill their heads with manipulative lies. All I ever heard was, "Why did you do this? Don't you think about anyone but yourself? How could you do this to your poor Mother?"
Do you remember our last conversation? I was trying to have a talk with you about how I didn't appreciate you going into my room, stealing my phone, checking my messages, and going out of your way to misinterpret my texts to support your own made-up accusations.
You had no reason to do so. You suspected I was on drugs for no other reason than you wanted to make some drama in your life. I don't do drugs, I never did drugs, but you couldn't accept that. You needed me to be flawed and broken. You needed me to need you, but you were realizing that I didn't need you, so you tried to force me to need you by alienating me from my friends and family.
When I bought my car you convinced me to put it in your name and insurance because it would save you money on your premiums, so I agreed. As I got older, you **refused** to sign my vehicle over to me, or to take it off your insurance; except, when I was in dire financial straits and you wanted to use your legal ownership of my vehicle as leverage against me.
Do you remember when you bought me the bike for making Honor Roll in 3rd grade? Do you remember the first thing you said to me, as I was walking it out of Toys R Us back to the car?
You said, "Well, I hope you enjoy this because the second you screw up I'm taking this away."
And then suddenly, I'm an ungrateful, spoiled rotten little child because I didn't want the bike anymore. I didn't have the social maturity at the age of 8 to realize I was signing a verbal contract of servitude; I was under the assumption that it was simply a loving Mother rewarding her son for working hard in school.
You tell everyone you've loved and supported me my whole life, but you don't know a fucking thing about me. Since I was 12 years old I've been actively writing music / involved with the Music Industry. I went to College for Music. I was in a band for 5 years. I ran a recording studio and a sound company for over a decade.
Can you name a single song I've written? Can you name the instruments I play? Could you name the band I was in, or any of it's members? How about my studio, or my business partner?
No, you can't, because the path I took in life didn't offer you an opportunity to coat-tail on my success. You couldn't claim any stock of my musical prowess because the only thing you know how to do is be pretty and seduce high-rollers at Atlantic City casinos.
I hate you, Kathy. You robbed me of my childhood, but convinced everyone I knew that I robbed you of your 20s. You robbed me of my self-esteem, but convinced everyone that I was actively trying to ruin your life. You never let me learn how to make a mistake and build myself back up; instead you punished me for any mistake I made because of how it effected *you*, and made sure to tell everyone about my mistakes and how they effected you.
I hate you Kathy. For all of this, and for the fact that you get to live happily-ever-after with a family who loves you because they have no idea what kind of person you really are. Your happiness, position, and success in life came at the direct expense of that of your son.
I was never your child; I was a vanity project and a conversation piece. You brought me into the World to prove to everyone you could accomplish something. You used your knowledge of my Father and how his mind worked to manipulate and trick me. You were more interested in solving issues rather than prevent them.
You actively walked me into scenarios and social traps because you knew how my mind worked. Did you do this to teach me how to rise above myself and become a better man? No, you did this to prove to me that I am my Fathers son, a piece of shit, and that you would always be two steps ahead of me.
I hate you, Kathy. I hope you enjoy these next few years of your life, because sooner or later your Mother is going to die. Then your Father is going to die. Then your sisters are going to die. Then you're going to be left alone with no one left to blame for your own self-loathing.
You will not have a funeral. You will be buried in a paupers grave, the only souls in attendance will be the two migrant works paid under-the-table to dig your hole and bury you in it. I won't be there, I will be at home burning your possessions; thankful that you are finally gone from the World.
I hate you, Kathy. I truly, deeply, utterly hate you. I want you to die knowing that.
- Your son
Kathy, I know you think you're in the right. You said and did all the things you needed to in front of the people who's validation you sought, but you never followed through with any of it.
Yes, you did the things legally required of you as a Mother. Yes, I'm sure you made sacrifices and struggled. But it was *never* about me. It was always about you, your struggle, your journey, and how **you** triumphed against the World with a child strapped to your back.
But did you ever read me a bedtime story? Did you ever offer to help me with my homework? Did you ever ask how my day was for any reason other than the fact you had found out I got in trouble and were now trying to trick me into lying to you like a manipulative girlfriend? Did you ever talk to me about how I was feeling in life, what my goals and dreams were?
No. You just gave me *stuff*; stuff I never asked for, and then labeled me as spoiled and ungrateful because I didn't fall to your feet in servitude after being given gifts I never asked for or wanted. Your gifts were always selfish manipulations of my emotion and will. Your kind words were masked with secret intent to get me to let my guard down. Your criticism was never about helping to grow as a person, it was about making me understand how much my choices have affected you.
That is no way to raise a child. That toxic, manipulative, narcissistic mentality is the **exact** reason why your Father left your Mother, and the same reason why your Grandfather left your Grandmother. You, like your Mother, and your Mother before her, are self-important narcissists who feel that they are God's gift to the World and put here for the express purpose of telling everyone how to live their life.
You've told my friends and family for years, **YEARS**, that I was a lying, manipulative sociopath. Think about that, Kathy. You labeled your own son as a lying, manipulative sociopath when he was seven years old. Why? Because I was my Father's son, and you never got a chance to tell him how you really felt about him, so instead you tried to groom me to be him and then exact your revenge? I never asked to be brought into the World; you were the one who ignored the advice of literally everyone in your life to give me up for adoption; because **you** needed to be needed.
But to those same friends and family, ask yourselves this -- when have I **ever** tried to manipulate you? Did I ever call you up in the middle of the night in attempt to literally wrangle a posse so we could emotionally tar & feather my Mother? When she made mistakes, hurt my feelings, or did bad things, did I call you, her friends, and everyone else she knew to air her dirty laundry to all of them, hiding behind the guise of being a "concerned son who's only worried about his Mother"
No, I didn't, because that's her game; her angle. That's how *she* operates, and I refused to become her.
But I don't forgive any of you, because there is no way you didn't see what she was doing. You can't have been blind to that as adults, what was so clear to me even as a child; I refuse to believe it.
I think what actually happened is you were caught off guard by how *hysterical* she gets when she's manipulating people. She knows exactly how to work you up and trigger that damsel in distress reflex. Doesn't help that Kathy is a pretty woman who knows how to wield it (Hey Kathy, remember when we went to Miami and you told me not to call you Mom because you were trying to become a Versace model?).
You knew what she was, knew what she was doing, and went along with it anyway because it's easier to appease a screaming child than it is to discipline them. You chose what was easy over what's right, because it's easier to go along with her than it is to argue with her.
And that's why she won. It was easier to believe that I was this sociopathic monster from the age of 5 who spent every waking moment of his life trying to sabotage and ruin the quality of life of his Mother. Much harder to believe that you were duped by a pretty-faced sociopath who is so insecure that she goes out of her way to sabotage peoples' lives so that they're forced to need her.
I hate you, Kathy. You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Plan for suicide as an emergency solution Hey,
so i'd like to get this off my chest and get an opinion about my situation, hope this is the right place to post this.
I am currently a student and close to finish my Bachelor degree in computer science. The problem is, this was the situation for the last 1,5 years.
After highschool i went with my then gf to another city to go to college and study business. After 8 months or so she cheated on me and we broke up. It felt bad, i stopped going to lectures and my daily routine was like playing go to the supermarkt to buy fastfood for the next 3 days to stay at home for gaming. (not much friends in the new city yet)
I realized I am too dumb to keep up with my courses, so i stopped studying business. My plan was to rent a car, buy 1L of vodka and end it right there. But before I did it a friend called me and said he has a minijob for me. I told myself, maybe this is a sign, that i made the wrong desicion and cancelled my suicide plans.
In the summer I started studying computer science. Around this time i told myself continous something like "well if it doesnt work out I just rent a car and drive into a tree". Unfortunately, it kind of worked out since i passed all the exams in like seven semesters.
(but i dont really know how, i feel like i got extremely lucky since i never really had the energy to learn for an exam more than 3 days and my GPA is shit like an C average) Always with the thought in my mind why not just end the suffering, i have like 0% fun in living my life.
I'm not sure if i'm depressed, i just feel like im a lazy ass and havent found sth that i enjoy yet.
Also i'm like still thinking about my ex-gf pretty much everyday and i dont how how to make this stop. Because i really dont want to and after 4 years it still hurts in a way, but i really dont know how to make it stop. Like everyday i see sth that reminds me of her or when my thoughts drift away, its most likely i will end up thinking about our relationship. But i really dont want to think about that.
Now, for the past 1,5 years i shouldve wrote my bachelor thesis but i have no idea how because I did nothing productive the last 18 months(beside working the dull minijob), became even more stupid and wasnt really good in any course in the first place, but its my last chance and if I can't make it I have no degree. But in the back of my head I have always this thought that killing myself is a decent option if I don't make it. I guess its my own fault, because i was so f'ing lazy the last five years and it would be a fitting solution to my problems.
Sorry for my bad english and i am really bad at describing feelings or writing in general. (social anxiety... probably the reason why i decided to study computer science..haha..) and sorry if i wasted your time reading this.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Feeling sick about contacting him l want to contact my ex to talk about life updates and see what’s new and how he is. l wish l didn’t want to do this. l feel so sick about it. It turns my stomach and makes me nauseous. My body is saying No! God damn it
|
self.Anxiety
|
I want a dog... But I can’t even really take care of myself, what makes me think I could take care of another being. I’d probably end up somehow fucking it up and hating myself more
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self.depression
|
My bedroom triggers panic attacks I live on my campus residence and share an apartment with 5 girls who are all super nice but I'm not that close with them. My bedroom is shared with one other girl and it's small but I've never been a claustrophobic person. I don't know what reasons could be for this but I might start sleeping on the couch soon.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I think I hate my brother He is always besting me, he *has* to be the best, always better than me and when I'm finally better than him he gets really angry. He is constantly (and deliberately) pushing my buttons and trying to get me angry, when I'm around him I feel worthless, like I could die right there and he wouldn't even care, its lead me to an almost depression and a feeling of self worthlessness. I don't know what to do because I feel bad because he's my brother but when he's around me I feel a rage, what should I do?
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self.offmychest
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When was the best time of your lives before depression hit for you? (Or for those who don't have one, when were you at your most bearable?) Mines was in high school. I was at my happiest. I had my best friends that I know genuinely cared about me, teachers liked me, my grades were all As. I made the top 10 and I never had a problem with anyone do miring high school. I felt sexual attraction for T H I C C girls at my school but I was in love with one of my good friends romantically and cared about her much more than those other girls. I loved hanging out with her with mutual friends. The idea of being with her makes me so happy, I could cry, I know she was the one for me.
But now, after two years, I'm miserable and I'm going down the darkest path in my life. I now practice witchcraft, and yes in a pathetic attempt to get the best friend to like me and to fix my life up. I was praying to God but it's apparently He only wants me to suffer now -- my happiest has ran out. My best friend implicitly rejected me because of her asexuality and autism, and it hurts so bad, dude. To make matters worse, we grew closer as friends and though I like that we're closing, I'm still sad.
Let's see, I don't feel sexually attraction for anyone else, even my friend. For my other friends, they are on the verge of moving on from my depressed ass. I'm more than certain that they have made their own friends during college and that can connect to them. I only have associates at college, people I talk to for assignments and stuff.
This one other girl tried to attempt at me as a friend (actually texted me) but I can't be around women without hurting now (she tried going to lunch and dinner with me, hung out with me in my room and wanted to watch a movie with me, etc) and I don't feel **anything** for her and other woman in fact. I told her about my depression and about the friend I like from my hometown, and she now has a boyfriend so I don't have to worry about her anymore.
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self.depression
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Should I apologize to my boyfriend for how I treated him this morning? Last night we almost had sex but I got too scared and stopped and he got annoyed. This morning when he left for work he tried kissing me and I turned my head and yelled and told him to leave me alone. He just got really really quiet and touched my arm and said "ok. I love you." He came home for lunch and he tried hugging me and I just walked past him and went into the bedroom and locked the door. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just really sad and down today.
Should I apologize to him?
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self.depression
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Experienced first ever severe Panic/Anxiety Attack, haven't been Able to sleep in over 36 hours [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I don't want to Okay, so here's the deal up front. I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself.
But I can't stop thinking about it.
Little stumbling blocks crop up and I find myself contemplating it, it would be so easy, just opt out of the whole struggle. I hate it, the thoughts depress me and I spend hours hating myself for thinking about it, the hate spirals into anger at the world for making me think that way (logical I know) and I wind up putting it out of mind, at least for a day or so.
But it creeps back, lurking in the back of my head. It honestly is scaring the hell out of me and I don't know what to do, I'm not sure if this is a cry for help or just me finally letting this out of my head, either way thanks for reading if you got this far through a scared messed up guy's confession.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is anxiety something that someone can develop or is it always a part of them? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I am glad I didn’t get a tattoo for you I spend two years with you, I introduced you to my family, I introduced you to my friends I met your family and I would have met your friends if you had any, I still have the kitten you gave me to take care of and she is family now, I kept all your gifts because they are nice, I deleted all your pictures because I want to move on, I really loved you, I am 31 and you are the only girl that ever made me shed a tear for when I knew I lost you, but it has been two months and I am doing so much better now, I met someone and she is kind and sweet and I really like her, we’ve only been on three dates but I feel good she makes me feel like I matter something I begged you to do and never did, I am glad I didn’t get that matching tattoo, I am glad you are out of my life but I will always love you, you were my person for two years and I will look back on those days with fondness. I am only writing this here because I know I will never get another chance to talk to you again.
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self.offmychest
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I regret literally everything I have done with my life
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self.depression
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Not always sunny days and rainbows on this journey... Well, I have been sober for 23 days, but hear me out on this, this journey is not all sunshine. We just have to endure. Like everything, you keep doing it for long enough and you will see the results. It is not instant gratification, is effort and persistence that pays off. Today I am not having a good day. My anxiety is attacking stronger and stronger each day, and no, I have not had a drink for the past 23 days. I've been eating healthy and moderately and this feeling is crippling. We all come here for support. I get sentimental. I want to let you all know that I am glad to be here with you guys and meet you all my digital friends. Please endure, the easy path does not bring satisfaction with it. It must be hard.
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self.Anxiety
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hi darkness my friend hi so i just came back from a panic attack. im posting here because it has been so long since i've last experienced this much mental pain. but i guess progress was made since i'm talking in a livelier tone, right? i'm not really sure why i'm posting this here. i guess i'm just trying to distract myself from getting into another shitty ride of crying and chest pains. god i really thought i've gotten all these sadness and hatred towards myself away yet i'm here again. it's just so tiring, this cycle of getting better then returning to fucking point zero.
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self.depression
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I'm alone, slacking with University work and at the risk of losing my job [deleted]
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self.depression
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Emotional Stability is the hardest pill to swallow. I finally feel emotionally stable and I kind of hate it because I'm more aware of the things I've done and how I've acted. To the point where I'm so embarassed with myself. Like I know this is how I need to be, but, it's another kind of hell to live in. Anyone else ever feel this way?
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self.bipolar
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It's happened suddenly again, I don't know where else to go. So I'm here because I don't have anyone to talk to. I've been on Prozac and Xanax XR to control my depression and anxiety, and it has been working very well for a good year, year and a half.
All of a sudden I'm having bouts of severe depression and anxiety that happen a few hours every single day. I've been crying nonstop for about 3 hours now.
I don't know what to do. I keep making and canceling psychiatrist appointments because I will feel better, then end up back here again. I'm afraid of having to try a new medicine, and the pain of cycling through the different ones again trying to find something that works.
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self.depression
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I just wanna die I don't know for how much longer can I keep on going like this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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does anyone have exp with baclofen and its affects on serotonin? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Seems horny guys cant read or respect a girls decision. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Today I ate my lunch in my car while crying [deleted]
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self.depression
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Panic disorder questions, tips, my history, and finally getting help. Alright. This may be a doozy. So, I've suffered from GAD for years, dysthymia, and Tourette's Syndrome. No, my Tourette's isn't the kind where you swear or yell out loud, it's more things like hard blinking, nose scrunching, sniffling, throat noises, expelling air out of the lungs forcibly, etc. When I was younger they were just called 'nervous tics' and well, gotta live with them. The only reason I bring this up is because having anxiety, it makes the tics much worse. So much so that it's physically exhausting.
Anyway, back to anxiety. I've always had it. Constant worry, fear, mild OCD behavior, etc. I've had it since I can remember, and after I was diagnosed I tried a multitude of medications from prozac, effexor, busiprone, prozac, seroquel, trazodone...you name it. With anxiety, I've always had medication anxiety and never really stuck with anything. I was able to smoke (marijuana) to control the anxiety so I didn't think I needed anything. When I turned 20, smoking gave me horrible heart palpitations, worsened my anxiety, all that jazz. I had to quit, and then turned to alcohol. Few years later I can't drink anymore to cope, and I decide to get sober. Everything is fine and well for awhile.
Fast forward to the last few years. I moved 12 hours away from home, and started making a new life out here. The first step of my developing panic disorder started with driving on the highway. I used to travel the country (US) by myself, with friends, etc while driving and actually saw it as a stress reliever. I loved getting behind the wheel and exploring. Then it all changed. The second I start on the on ramp, I got tunnel vision, rapid breathing, feeling like I'm choking, all that. Obviously that's not safe so I decided hey, I'll just take the back way. It may take a little longer but that's fine with me. Eventually, I start panicking at any stop light, and there was one specific spot during my drive to campus where I'd slip into a panic attack and I DREADED going.
Shortly after, I started having panic attacks in class. Of course the flight or fight response kicked it, and I'd flee. Eventually it got to the point where even before the class started, I'd slip into a panic attack and leave class and just go sit in my car. This happened nearly every day and I eventually changed my major (from animal biology to psychology, ironically) just so I could take online only classes.
After that, I couldn't drive at all. I tried driving to the grocery store, backing out of my driveway and pulling back in about 5 times before realizing that I just...couldn't. It's spiraled out of control to the point where I can't drive anywhere, go into a store, wait in the check-out line, ride in an elevator, stand on an escalator, and sometimes even just RIDE in a car without having a panic attack. I've tried meditating, mindfulness, essential oils, and I still can't bring myself to drive or go to the store. I used to LOVE shopping and would jump at the opportunity to go.
All of this is really cathartic to get out, but I just wanted to say that I finally made an appointment with a doctor and I see her in two weeks. It feels great to finally get on the path to normalcy. I think I want to start at square one with SSRI's and start trying what I never stuck to when I started being medicated 12+ years ago. My last PCP did give me a xanax script which DOES help, but I don't want to rely on them, and I want a cure instead of a band-aid.
So, questions.
* Has anyone gone through panic disorder, similar symptoms or not, and have you found relief?
* What medications have worked the most for you? Any crazy side effects?
* Have any of you suffered from the symptoms like panic attacks while driving, and have you been able to drive again?
* What things should I bring up to my PCP to hopefully get the care I need?
* Aside from medication, what are you favorite things that help you lead a calmer, panic attack free life?
Thanks for taking the time to listen to me ramble, and I hope we can all find some solidarity in the journey to getting better.
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self.Anxiety
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Poor, unemployed and ready to kill myself because of it. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Too many games I never agreed to play I have a date set, and a plan, and the situation is unlikely to resolve itself any other way, almost entirely because other humans refuse to leave me alone, or listen to me when I say I'm in pain.
For years I've been sharing my brain space with various individuals, most of them I'd known since I was a teen.
I spent my twenties assuming I was insane, because obviously it all had to be a figment of my imagination.
It turned out it wasn't.
As I finally broke away from them, I found myself caught up in something else.
It was the people I lived with, and their friends, and they pulled my mind apart over and over again for years until they had themselves and other people convinced this was the way I should live.
My face and body are covered in marks from self-harm - too many times people knew what they were doing, laughed, continued, and I had no way to distract myself from the horrors they had swarming around my head except to cut at my own skin.
Half of the time it's impossible to even get outside, to get into the city centre, or shop, or speak to someone, or perform most of the normal tasks of a functional human being.
I forget what I'm doing - people are pulling the memories from my mind, they push their own thoughts and feelings into holes created by vicious trauma they've helped cover up.
It's a constant nightmare, and it doesn't matter what I do, or how many times or in how many different ways I ask people to leave me alone, or try to explain they're wrong to play along with what was done to me, there are hundreds of people in this city that have knowingly and enthusiastically decided to torture my mind.
Others have tried to help, one way or another.
It's become a game. Something people compete in, and through.
And every second of it I feel torn apart - pulled in multiple directions at once - sick and dizzy and terrified. Not alone, never alone, never at peace, day and night stuck suffocating on other peoples mental shit.
I have a flat of belongings to organize, so the job doesn't fall to someone else once I'm gone, a package to send, a phone call to make, then I'm done.
I've told the professionals working with me, but then I've told them I wasn't ok with this bullshit for years and they haven't listened, so I'm not really worried about them interfering.
God bless and good luck to anyone reading this, I hope you find a way to help build a better world than the one we live in.
Do no harm
Bear no ill will
Tell no lie
Believe no lie
Accept no falsehood
Make no compromise
Do good, be good, do better
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self.SuicideWatch
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DAE feel like their anxiety isn't taken as seriously because it's so normalized In today's society anxiety is seen as such a normal thing to experience (and it is to a certain degree!) and I feel like it makes people normalize anxiety disorders way more. I get so much support from my friends and family but I still sometimes feel like they think having an anxiety disorder is the same thing as having "normal anxiety" but often. So when I'm not doing well at all mentally and I'm "calling out for help" nobody really takes me as seriously as I'd need at that moment.
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self.Anxiety
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Breakup pain is too real They say it gets easier. It hasnt for me..ite been 4 months and i’m still absolutely miserable. I just found out my ex started seeing someone else. I dont know how someone can move on so fast.
I wish i had the ability to move on fast. I have used tinder but its so hard for me to like someone because of heartbreak. I hardlt ever like anyone because i knew it woulent have worked out and now im left with months and months of incredible pain. Its so hard for me to open up again.
Ive done all the suggestions like keeping busy, hanging with friends. Everything is just a distraction. There will be many times when im alone with my thoughts. I dont want to wake up. I didnt sleep at all last night after finding out about him and someone else. Im losing hope. I have no idea how to move on. Hes happy with someone else. He was the one who pursued me over and over until i said yes. Then i ended up being the one to be more into the relationship. Then he broke up with me. And now hes happily with someone else. And im here broken hearted and in despair.
I just want him back and try things out again and he wont. This is all i want. I just cant let go.
Alcohol used to work for all my problems. But not this one. I seriouslt dont know what else to do. I dont want to feel this pain anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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im a bad person i need to die I’m a terrible person and burden I can’t do anything right all I do make mistakes.. the offset mistake was being born I never asked to be born so I should have the right to end my life....
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self.depression
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I’m killing myself when i get home from school tomorrow [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Depression won't go away Ever since my relapse in October 2015 I have been depressed. I no longer feel excited about being alive. I feel unmotivated and have gained weight. I overeat because its the only thing that makes me feel good. Every day I look forward to the end of my life because life is just too much to deal with. I have a job I don't like on top of all of this.
And the reason why I developed this stupid illness was because of love. I fell in love with the wrong person who dumped me after being together for six years. I could not get over him. Got depressed and then the manic episodes started.
I wish I could rewrite/reset my brain. This is torture.
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self.bipolar
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Small success. One step at a time. I’ve started medication again (on week 5-6) to try to balance out my OCD/GAD. In the past week I’ve had 2 strangers comment on how happy I am. Makes me wonder how depressed and anxious I looked before, but it makes me feel good and realize that my medication is helping. My husband ask how my anxiety is doing because I’m not telling him about daily attacks anymore. I sat for a moment and realized I wasn’t tell him because I’m not having them as extreme as I use too. I’ve even had days without them. Some days I can still feel an attack approaching and I take 1/2 of my quick reaction medication but my daily meds are making a huge difference. I wanted to share my experience to give encouragement to the community. I feel like coming from someone who has anxiety it speaks volumes vs an outsider who’s trying to offer support.
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self.Anxiety
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I bought a box of condoms in a crowded place So, yeah. I just throw the box in the basket and people could see them clearly, in fact I was behind two girls and the cashier was a young woman. And you know what? Nobody gave a fuck.
I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of weeks and I have been feeling more confident. Maybe with luck I could use those condoms ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
This is part of a experiment I'm doing. I have been doing things like eating alone in restaurants, going to public places, etc.
Shit is getting better. Shit can get better.
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self.Anxiety
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I bet my profile seems cringey as fuck hahahahaaa [deleted]
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self.depression
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I find myself wanting to be born many centuries ago. Not just because life was simpler but also because i would already be dead.
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self.depression
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Stuck and trapped I feel stuck in a country with shitty government with shitty people that I can't get out of. A third-world country with one of the worst visas. I've been enduring this for years and really have had enough.
Last night, my laptop was stolen from my studio which I consider one of the few safe spaces I can be in, it's my sanctuary. But now I'm scared of even walking past it; Every sound I hear outside my window startles me, I'm scared of the rain because that's when thieves attempt to break in, and I can't sleep afraid that I might wake up to another break in. I feel unsafe. I don't want to be here anymore.
I've been in a constant state of wanting to die and that incident last night just pushed me off the edge. I got to informing myself of the better way to od and making sure they're accessible. The only thing that's stopping me is that two of my best friends, they're my sisters, would be devastated and they're already having a tough time themselves. The rest of my family would be fine but not them.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I really messed up and the guilt is eating away at me About 9 months ago I rehomed my dog. The guilt and sadness hurt so much and I'm just spiraling down. For the year and a half I had him, my depression was basically gone, which hadn't happened for 10 years. I felt anxious sometimes about keeping him happy and healthy, but I didn't have long crying spells or that dead feeling where you just can't do anything. He kept me busy, got me out, was amazing stress relief, and it felt so good to have something to take care of. We did everything together. We hiked and camped and biked together.
But when I had to move for work, all I could afford in my new city was a tiny basement apartment with roommates upstairs. He was going stir crazy no matter how much I exercised and trained him and couldn't seem to adjust to the new situation. I tried and tried for months but he was so unhappy and anxious that I eventually found a breed-specific rescue and they found a new home for him with a big yard and they bring him to work every day. From what I hear he's very happy and has adjusted well but I still can't stop thinking about him. Wondering if I made the right decision, thinking that I could have and should have tried harder and stuck it out for longer, hating myself for getting a dog when I wasn't sure if my circumstances would change, hating myself for trying to justify my decision, hating myself for feeling guilty partly just because people judge me for rehoming him, and I just plain miss him. I miss petting him and snuggling him and taking him to the dog park. He was my best friend. But I keep thinking that if he was really my best friend I wouldn't have put him through that. I would've left my job and found a better place for us to live because when I got him, I said that we were a package deal. Or I wouldn't have gotten him in the first place. I broke my promise and it's just eating away at me. When I think about him at work it totally derails my day and this past weekend I couldn't stop crying. I just want to be dead. I feel like I don't deserve anything good anymore because I could have put that time or money towards making him happy. I hate the idea of being someone selfish who just abandons an animal because it's not convenient anymore. I hate the idea of him being sad or scared and wondering what happened. I just don't know what to do. This isn't one of those little things where I can just write it off as a part of depression where you feel guilty for something that's not really your fault. This was totally my fault and a living sentient suffered because of it.
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self.depression
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When did you know it was time to take meds? Hi everyone, I'm new here. Reading all your post calmed me a little and I realized I was far from alone with my anxiety and struggles it brings.
I've always been anxious, and I as get older (gonna be 28 soon), it's just getting worse. When something comes up in my personal life, I always imagine the worse possible outcome. This affects my digestive system, weight management, my appetite, my skin at times, my social interactions and I feel like shit basically. For instance, last night, I had a few chills ( its -10 outside) so I put on a robe. Then I felt like the fabric of the robe was hurting my skin, so I thought I must have fever. I began to feel hot, have chills, cold sweat. Then I started panicking because I don't want to be sick and of course it derailed to me seeing myself extremely sick in a hospital bed, saying my goodbyes to this world (just writing this makes me feel so silly). Anyhow. I go to the bathroom, take my temperature...36,6. Turns out I was just cold and tired.
This is one of the many many dramas I go through, more and more frequently. Before, my sleep never was affected but now it's beginning to be.
I've been doing my best to eat right, meditate, exercise, do yoga, use essential oils, read self help book, practice gratitude and yada yada yada for a while now, and deep in my heart I'm starting to think it won't be enough. It makes me sad, like I'm failing.
When I was 22, the doc wrote me a prescription for celexa. I was writing my thesis and in a rot. She told me ;" you can take them now or later, but anyway you are going to need it, especially since you want to be a manager (which I am now)". The thought of being stuck on medication for the rest of my life at 22 frightened me. I did not take them and tried to manage by myself.
Typically, I have health anxiety, sometimes social anxiety and sometimes it just plain doesn't make sens. Last summer, I had a tough break, with my boyfriend having relatively serious health problems and I was strong (took care of him, kept working full time). But I was so worried sick. I had trouble sleeping, had a panic episode, was always scared to death I would loose him. I feel like I can't connect to my "deep faith" that it's all gonna be ok. I don't want to worry about things I can't control, but my brain is like a writer for drama movies. If I rationalize myself out of one worry with the tools from my cognitive behavioural therapy I tried, I then proceed to the next worry (I can even make them up!)
So I'm begging to think that trying to solve this by myself might be adding to the burden of my anxiety and causing me stress even more. When did you know it was time to take meds?
Thanks you.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm so sorry I've been in love with you for a long time. My entire heart was in it since the first time I told you that I love you. The day we got married was, and still is, the happiest day of my life. Then we moved, bought a house and began trying to start a family together. I can't imagine anyone else as the mother of my children.
Recently though there has been another woman that I have feelings for. There hasn't been any cheating, but I can't stop thinking about her. I feel horrible about it. Sometimes I think about how much different life would be if we didn't marry. Was it supposed to be this way? What if I met the other woman before I said I do? I really do love you but I just can't stop thinking about her. If I left you for her would it be the real thing or would it end?
I will not leave you. I made a commitment to you and I intend to follow through with it. I just hate this and I hope eventually I can again feel like the man I promised you that I would be.
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety and confliction don't mix I am having an anxiety attack and stressing. I don't know what to do. I have gotten divorce papers prepared and wrapped them up and i tend to givevto my wifevfor a christmas present.ni am so mad and upset with her. She makes me so sad. We have not had sex in months even tho I have tried to initiate ... she wolkd sooner masturbate online with guys.
I am going to snap. I love her but can not live like this. Horny and sad are not a great combination
FML really.... just gonna hide away in a corner and feel sorry for myself
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self.offmychest
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I’m lost and confused about my mental health. The first time I ever tried to post to Reddit I was banned for three days because I didn’t follow the posting format for the particular forum (is that what it’s called?) correctly. I’m not even sure if I’ll get banned for this post too, guess I’ll find out when I hit the post button in a couple of minutes.
Anyway. You read the title. I’m lost and confused. And lately I’ve been worse than usual. This year started off great but it’s gotten progressively worse. I’m not entirely sure, but I think I may be depressed. And I might have OCD. I think I need professional help. But my parents don’t care. Heck, my mom just told me not more than an hour ago to deal with my own crap because she was “tired” and had been “at work all day.” Like okay??? She always tells me to get it together and get over myself. I don’t know how to explain to her that it’s not something I can just get over. She takes pride in saying I have mental problems. But it’s not a joke.
She thinks that if she yells at me to get myself together it will fix my mental state somehow. It used to make it worse. Now I’m just numb, and I don’t think that’s a good thing. I don’t even know why I reach out to her anymore. It’s like I keep doing it over and over again and expecting a different result even though it’s always the same. Isn’t that the definition of insanity?
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I feel like the I’m not as bad as I think I am. I mean, if I can come to Reddit and write about this then that means that I’m still thinking clearly. But that could change in a few months if I don’t start doing my life differently.
I guess that’s all I have to say. To anyone who has stuck around to the end of this post, thank you. The world needs more people like you.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
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self.offmychest
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Need help caring for my Girlfriend Hi /r/Anxiety,
My Girlfriend has recently been diagnosed with Anxiety. She has dealt with it a lot as a kid, but it's starting to resurface later in her life.
She's started therapy and is un-medicated at the moment.
I've never dealt with Anxiety myself so I just want to make sure she is okay.
Is there anything I should know? Anything I could do to help at all?
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self.Anxiety
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Depression is like standing in a puddle of darkness slowly being pulled under. No one's coming to save me.
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self.depression
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Trying to make a plan to end it Today is the last day I’ll see my boyfriend. He is leaving me. He walked out on me 11 days ago and is coming back today because I asked him for help. He doesn’t know I’m suicidal and he will just judge me if I tell him. I can’t live like this anymore. Everyone I love leaves me. And I don’t love the way normal people do. I don’t just get over it. I was already depressed and this is my final limit here. I don’t like anything. I don’t like music or movies or hobbies. My job is fine but not enough to keep living for. I have a friend but she isn’t enough to live for either. The only thing that stops me is hurting my dad. I don’t think he’d get over it. But maybe he could. Maybe I could beg him to just let me go.
We had this huge life together, me and my boyfriend. He treated me like I was the most valuable thing in existence. The love was deeper than I thought possible. I used to think I was dreaming. This man came in my life after searching for me for years, he did everything possible to be with me and when he got me he couldn’t shut up about how happy I made him and how nobody had it as good as he did. It was truly a different kind of love. But nobody believes me when I say that. I’m in my 30’s. I know better by now. And nobody gets it because nobody has had it that good like I did.
Things happened. Bad things. I lost a pregnancy. His mom died. We fell into a rut. We got into financial problems. It got hard. He stopped cherishing me. I got complacent. He got mean.
And then. One day. He told me he didn’t love or want me. And I couldn’t believe it and I fought so hard for him and he stayed. He left a month later, the day after thanksgiving dinner with my father.
I got angry. He swore he’d fix everything and he was just giving me space. He promised he’d do things to fix the damage. But he didn’t. And then when I asked him to come back, he said he was just lying about fixing it. And that if he came back he’d be a prisoner to me and that he’d just be faking it and would cheat on me. He screamed at me and said all of his promises in the beginning changed and that it’s stupid to believe a promise.
He says he puts everything before him and he can’t do it anymore. That isn’t true but he thinks it is and I guess perception is reality.
I live in a very gun friendly state. I would like to get off this ride. I’m over being here. I don’t belong here. My emotions aren’t right for this world. I don’t feel the way other people do. I am not a social outcast or depressed for no reason. I am attractive and sexual and funny and I know how to make friends and keep a decent job. That just makes it worse. Because I know going out and making friends and doing hobbies and sleeping around won’t help. My depression is because of things that happen that I can’t change. It’s not just a general sadness I can’t define and could therefore remedy or medicate. There’s no cure for being hurt by someone you trusted. No way out. No way out.
I just want to stop hurting. Now he’s made it so even if he comes back, it can never be like it was. And I’m done being hurt. I’m just scared of killing myself. But if I don’t, I will die anyway. I don’t eat or drink. I can’t pay the rent here alone. I would probably just get into hard drugs until I just overdose. I would rather not suffer that way before I die and have to think about how happy he is and how he’s sleeping with other “people.”
I just can’t. Is it okay to just go? It’s okay to die if you want, right?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm not on SW anymore, I will never go back to that dark place again but maybe this will help people who are currently in that bottomless gorge of terrible emotions. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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My body feels so off, I don't know what to do - anyone experienced something similar? Hey,
This has been ramping up over the last few days, it started out with feeling a bit out of it but now it's escalated to the point where I have strong physical discomfort(feels like I want to crawl out of my own skin), shaking, anxiety through the roof (I don't leave my apartment if I really don't have to), my ability to focus on school work is almost gone and I feel constantly on edge.
I would guess this has something to do with meds, but I wouldn't know, I only wanted to check with you guys and gals if anyone of you experienced anything similar.
Meds: lithium 320 mg daily, Abilify 10mg daily, Voxra 300 mg daily.
Hope someone out there can relate!
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self.bipolar
|
Can alcohol cause a crash/depressive episode? I'm a college student with, as cliche as it sounds, a bit of a drinking problem. I have been off my medications for a week or two and in addition to that have abusing alcohol and using drugs... in essence I pretty much did nothing but party and exercise throughout the week, reaching the climax on Wednesday. I had god knows how many servings... spending what little money I had on the devil's nectar. When I woke up the next day, it felt like I was on fire, my limbs felt really heavy, and I think I might have had a few visual hallucinations here or there (I would see random cars spark and glow blue). I had felt great... like I could say the right things at the right time, but the day afterwards, I had trouble thinking straight.
Now, ordinarily I'm a good student but now I'm just disgusted with myself and hopelessly behind for being a complete waste of money. I just wanted to slow things down a little bit but now time feels like it's moving faster than ever. I had a little bit of fun at a concert yesterday that I really should have been anticipating but attending it started to feel like a chore. Afterwards I wasn't able to get any sleep until 4:00 and, ordinarily I don't show my emotions, but I had a few crying spells over Reddit posts of all things. My thoughts have also been alternating between downright obsessive feelings of vengeance and guilt.
Sorry about the long post but I know alcohol can make mood symptoms far worse and I tend to drink very unhealthy quantities when I'm in, at least what my counselor and therapist thought, was a manic episode. But can alcohol be bad enough to completely flip one's mood (or at least contribute to it)? Or am I simply dealing with withdrawal symptoms?
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self.bipolar
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Not sure if I hate my job or just myself [deleted]
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self.depression
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I hate my life and feel hopeless Recently when I look at myself in the mirror, I constantly think "this is me, this is my life." and it makes me super sad. I honestly don't know where I'm going in my life and don't know how I'm going to ever be happy.
Right now I feel most content imaging myself dying and not having to worry about any of my problems ever again. I just hate how my life just keeps getting progressively worse and worse and I feel like its going to be this way forever.
I'm sad that this is what my life is now.
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self.depression
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