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i cannot hold it inside anymore so I'll just begin by telling you that I've fallen in love with a girl who is in the same class with me. This happened like 1 or half an year ago. I really tried to get past it but i couldn't. I cannot imagine myself being with another girl but her. Yeah I've already told her but that happened one year ago and she thought i was joking idk why. Recently we have spent more time together and everytime we laugh and mess around things. I've asked my friend whether to tell her or not and he said definitely yeah cuz i have nothing to lose but actually if she doesn't feel the same she will start to ignore me and this would fucking destroy me. Moreover let me tell you that i have massive suicidal thoughts everyday and I've just felt sadder than ever these days cus i really do not what to do.Should I tell her or not? please help me i really cannot keep it inside anymore i just want to let her know what are all my feeling about but i don't wanna lose her(yet i don't really think she considers me her friend but whatever)
P.S: im 17 and she's 16, thanks in advance
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self.depression
|
Any recommends for testing memory on regular basis? (xpost bipolarreddit) I know Lamictal ( lamotrigine ) cut my short-term memory by at least 30%, and it still hasn’t gotten better after 2+ years on Lamictal.
I’m guessing many of you have the same problem?
Recent tests with neuropsychologist ... he recommended switching from Lamictal to Lithium, because he said my short-term memory was shitty ... at least he said it in a nice way, haha.
Just met with psychiatrist. I am starting Lithium tomorrow. If goes well, then I will begin tapering off Lamictal in 3 weeks.
**Problem**
The only benefit from the med change would be my memory getting better.
I have no idea how to regularly test and keep track of how good/bad my memory is.
Anyone tech savvy know an app or game or something I can tell if my memory gets significantly better 3+ months from now.
The best thing I found was Lumosity brain app, but online reviews were all over the place.
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self.bipolar
|
Going off meds! (not really) I don't know why I decided to post this, but I can't get it off my mind.
Taking medication was never something I was comfortable doing, but things really got too bad not to take medication. "Natural" remedies are useless in my opinion - not because I'm prejudging them, but because I've tried them.
I recently told my doctor that I want to stop taking both my antidepressant and Lamictal. They never really got me on track. I still had breakdowns and mixed episodes. It wasn't until I took Seroquel that I finally was able to feel like myself again. After a year of Seroquel, it started to seem obvious to me that the antidepressant and Lamictal are pointless to keep taking. But after she told me I could start tapering off, I started to get nervous. What if I wind up unwell again? What if I need all of these meds more than I realize? Am I foolish in thinking I can get by with only taking Seroquel?
Lamictal has side effects for me (it messed up my body chemistry). And I've never had problems with Seroquel - no weight gain.
After all this work I put in to get treatment good enough to help me, I was finally feeling healthy and happy. Now I decide maybe I should quit the things that got me here? I'm just getting so anxious about it. Thanks for reading while I let this all out.
|
self.bipolar
|
no one is there for me I’m trying to write this post the best i can, there are a lot of thoughts racing in my head and i’m feeling a bit cloudy so what i write may be a whole mess of me trying to explain so sorry in advance.
I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety all throughout my life it has been a terrible experience and it’s ruined everything for me. I’m currently in high school it’s my senior year and i can’t get myself to go to school. I’m normally by myself most of the time but this year i have nobody. My two friends all left me and moved on. I’d say part of the problem was me I always push people away and ignore over the smallest things and then i get angry at them when they don’t try to contact me back. I feel miserable being all alone at school, eating lunch feeling like everyones watching me because i sit by myself. I’ve had anxiety over going to school before but never this bad. I start crying and i’m unable to stop whenever i think about going. After trying, trying and trying my parents have been looking for alternatives with my school. They told us they have none. That i can’t be homeschooled, that they do not have an online program for me, and that they really can’t do anything to help. Basically they told me to get my ass to school and thats it. My school is shitty and is ran by incompetent adults with low IQs so i honestly expected this.
Its been a week since then and I still have not gone to school. My parents have been no help at all. They scream at me every morning, threaten to take away my bed and make me sleep on the floor. They tell me they’ll take my door off the fucking wall too if i didn’t go. They don’t try to understand i have tried so hard to explain to them what is going on and what i feel and they don’t hear a thing. They think i’m lazy, that i’m doing this as a ‘game’. They tell me i’m going to end up working at a 10$ an hour job and that they’re going to be so disappointed in me for it. My dad has called me plenty of names but the thing that has hit me the hardest recently was my mom saying i was disgusting for all this. I keep feeling like this is all my fault because of the things they’re saying to me. They’ve been calling me nuts and a looney all sorts of shit pertaining to the fact that i’m mentally ill. I started going to a new psychiatrist recently to see what the real problem is. I’ve known that it wasn’t just anxiety and depression for a long time. That something else is wrong with me. I’ve only seen this new psychiatrist once so she still hasn’t diagnosed me with anything yet.
Today i also did not go to school. I fell asleep and woke up to my mom screaming at me telling me she’s taking me to a psychiatric ward. They’re being dead serious with this threat. They plan on taking me tomorrow morning and i’m scared. I’ve been shaking so hard just typing this. I don’t feel like i need to go to one. That all i need is some understanding and time. They said they can’t deal with me behaving this way anymore and that this is for the best.
This is my first time writing one of these online, or even being on reddit before. I’m just searching for advice and anyones opinions on what should be done for me. I don’t know what else to say but i feel helpless and all alone. any comments would be appreciated.
Thank you
|
self.depression
|
i give up on life i cant take life anymore.i want to get drunk fuck a hooker,smoke some drugs,at the end of the night jump off a 10 sotry building weeeee
|
self.depression
|
I got stood up today I had a date today. I was supposed to go see Coco. We finalized the plans last night and I was looking forward to finally meeting her. Then, she just never showed. Didn't give any sort of response or reply, she just never showed up at the theater. I knew she was having to drive a long way, so I was hopeful. Hopeful she would just come in late. I told her the seat I was in, then headed into the theater. I saw the movie alone. As I walked out of the movie, I noticed it was raining. I didn't know it was going to rain, but it seemed quite appropriate. Better luck next time, I suppose.
|
self.offmychest
|
When We love own company maybe we will not feel lonely When someone is not in relationship he feels lonely,sad but why ? Why we are begging for someone's company , why we cannot love our own company? I want to learn the art to love my own company. I hope every guy who is single wants to learn this art.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Laid off today Had a good year for the most part, but walked into work today and after about an hour I got laid off after 3 years. Man... the shame and self disappointment was pretty hefty telling my girlfriend. It makes me feel less viable as a man, not even sure of the future anymore.
|
self.depression
|
Everything is falling apart. My best friend passed away a few weeks ago, so now I feel alone. The house that my GF and I were going to buy fell through and now we are out the money for inspections and appraisal. A few days after that I found out that my grant at the college would not cover everything this semester so I have to come up with $740 dollars by Tuesday. I feel so defeated and alone right now. I miss my friend, I miss having things figured out.
|
self.depression
|
My best friend, and the person i hold the closest to my heart is going to be gone forever, i have never come in contact with him irl nor do i have anyone to help me. People misjudge how important e-friends can be, i met Lucas 5 years ago on Steam, didnt talk too much til 2014, and then we became best friends, to me he was like a brother, he has severe depression, problems socializing and so on, he seemed to be growing happier in 2017, but it all was looming that he'd soon turn 18, and now his mother is threatening to kick him out, he lives too far from me, i cant drive to see him (underage). I know that once that happens...He's gonna do it.
My family is one that follows the mentality of "everyone in the internet is a rapist", and i was shunned and ordered to cut contact with him when i told them about it, if he goes away, i feel like i'm going too, i cant live without him, and feeling so powerless, so far from him, I just dont know what to say.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I worry too much, how do i fix it. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
The "please live for me" is such bullshit and selfish from other people's part... Why should I? You won't be able to solve my endless suffering. Its endless suffering on my part and you're just being selfish to tell me to live for yourself.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I fingered my dog a few times when I was a kid I don't remember the exact age, but I was somewhere between the ages of 9-11
Either way, we used to have a pet dog, a girl. Anyways, sometimes she would come up next to me and expose her belly and I would massage it.
Not sure if if it was out of horniness or curiosity, but I stuck my fingers in her vagina maybe like 2 or 3 times? I guess I wanted to see what it would feel like on the inside. I would stroke the inside for 30 seconds before taking it out. She was calm when I did it. One time I was about to do it, but then I caught my stepdad looking at me through the window. I wonder if he knew. After that, I stopped putting my fingers in that area.
Now, my dog didn't seem to mind it, she acted normal after the few times I fingered her, but still, its not like she could actually give me her consent. What I did was not right. I was a kid at the time, I didn't really understand what I was doing or the repercussions of it.
It's weird, I'm in my 30s now, but I only started thinking about this recently. This was the only time I did anything like that. I'm not into looking at bestiality or anything. My sex life and porn watching habits are pretty vanilla.
To my dog, if I hurt you in anyway, I'm sorry. I was young and didn't know what I was doing.
|
self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else feel like they get attached to random people? I'm just curious because for me I just seem to develop a fondness towards anyone who shows me the slightest kindness. I hardly know them if I know them at all and I'm afraid to actually know them since they'll hate me or I'll drag them down.
|
self.depression
|
Tonight I brought over a Christmas present for my closest friend. Three hours later, I stole the present back and left without saying goodbye I've known this person for a relatively short time but in that time he's gone from someone I didn't care to be around to the person I think I'm closest to in the world. Sure he's a little self-centered, but I was honestly shocked at how well we got along once we started spending time together. Usually it takes me a long time to warm to someone and let them in; with him it was like all of our quirks and goals and dreams and insecurities were intentionally created to mesh perfectly together. He noticed things about me nobody else has before, and I was honoured that he trusted me enough to confide in me too. We were perfectly platonic friends, but we got along so well that I was toying with the idea of trying out a romantic relationship.
I think that's over after tonight. I always knew that our relationships was a little uneven--someone has to be the one who cares more than the other, after all--but I hadn't realized quite how one-sided it really was. He had invited me to a small party at his house; people that I had met but didn't know well. He knew this. When I got there he didn't come to greet me, just waved and kept talking to the couple of people already there. He never did come say hi or give me a hug, barely acknowledged me at all, until we got started playing a game. He asked two other people to be his partner (out of three available); they declined, so then he asked me. It was the first time he'd spoken to me directly all night.
Later, in a quiet moment, I gave him his gift. Nothing big or expensive, I didn't make a production of it. Just a tool. He had been complaining about a particular problem, and I had found the exact tool to solve it. He's getting into a hobby that closely aligns with my line of work, so I'll frequently help him troubleshoot, or give advice (when asked), or bring him helpful bits and bobs from my studio. He received tonight's gift with the same reaction he's had with everything else I've given him: "Huh, that's cool." And then set it aside.
And I know it's not that he doesn't like it or won't use it. That's just how it goes. The next time I see him he'll be all excited about how he was finally able to do X with the new thing I brought him. He'll show other people his progress, and they'll be impressed, even when they ask him where he got that, or how he figured out how to do this, and he never credits me. Never thanks me. Never gives me anything in return. Just takes it as a natural fact that he should be given help and support, simply because.
The real eye-opener was watching him interact with another girl. We'd met before, I knew she was another of his good friends, but I've never really been around her much. It was jarring. He treats her exactly the same way he treats me. Same jokes, same looks, same nickname even. Same touch and familiarity (one of the things he and I had marveled at was how comfortable we were with each other's touch. Neither of us are much into physical contact with people, even friends and family. But for purely platonic friends were we pretty damn intimate). And she was even worse. Seeing her talk to him was like looking in a mirror. Same patient listening, same silent eye contact from across the room, same eagerness to please. Hell we even look remarkably similar. Late in the evening everyone was quietly milling around outside, and I was surprised to overhear him telling her the latest developments regarding The Problem. The Problem that he comes to me for advice about, the one so deep and personal that only I who understand him so well could possibly help with. Or so he said. We spent so much time discussing him, his life, his progress, his problems. Even when he asking me about my life, the conservation would inevitably turn back to him. And the more I started paying attention tonight the more I realized it wasn't just that one girl. His inner circle was much wider than I thought.
It just dawned on me then that I wasn't as special as I thought I was. It's not that I begrudge him having other friends--obviously I have good and close friends besides him--the difference is that for me, he was the one beyond everyone else, and for him, I'm one among many. That connection we share might well be real, but it's not nearly as rare and precious to him as it is to me.
I just suddenly felt like such a fool, like I'd been pouring out so much to someone who already had plenty. I got up without saying anything and left the group and gathered my things. On impulse I slipped the gift I'd brought him back into my bag. He saw me as I left the house, didn't protest, didn't move toward me, just held up a hand and called "bye" from across the lawn. The same person who told me he couldn't think straight if we went too long without spending time together. I had felt guilty about taking it but his reaction sealed my resolve. He won't notice it's missing tonight. He's so messy, he'll just assume he misplaced it. He won't realize it's truly gone until he goes to work on his project. Then he'll miss it. I wonder if he'll admit he doesn't have it anymore.
It's not like we can't be friends still. I still enjoy his company and appreciate his advice. I'll just know to be more guarded. Not revel in his regard as much, not expose as much of myself to him. I'm so glad I never broached the subject of a romantic relationship. I would have been so humiliated if I had put that on the line and then learned that I'm not the special confidante I thought I was. That's one consolation at least. Looking at that other girl, it was clear that for all her measured reserve, she's smitten with him. I wonder if he suspects.
|
self.offmychest
|
Depression and break-up A reddit stranger suggested me this sub. Here's the link to the original post - https://redd.it/7keqob
I had a breakup yesterday night out of a sudden and life stood still for me since yesterday. I wanted to start my gym today and was preparing for it but couldn't make it. I feel numb. Was going through a mild depression all week long and now this. I feel like i am pushed into a pit hole. I so wish I can come out of it soon.
|
self.depression
|
I wan't to open up, but I don't know how. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I remember when i used to look forward to weekends Now weekends are just more time to do homework and go to work and it's so exhausting to not even be able to take a single day off for myself
|
self.depression
|
I'm done. [23 M] Can't find a girl. That's all I want, but I'm just not capable of finding one. I'm would be ok with relationship, that's the easy part, but going out, meeting and leaving good enough impression is too hard for me. I don't even try.
Never had a girl. Im not overweight, short and I don't have any defects in my appearance.
I make often make girls laugh, even if I don't know why they laugh. Seems like I charm them. But, I just don't know how to go to a bar and meet.
Tried NoFap, it gave me energy to live, but I gave up after 8 days.
I just don't understand what is wrong with mr and nobody will tell me.
Some day I'm too arrogant, some that I'm shy.
Some say that I'm too private. I don't know.
I have a feeling that girls see me as someone who is good on his own and doesn't need anyone else. That is so false that I'm done now.
Maybe the reason is that I was raised without a father and an overprotective mom.
I'm ruined. Have no money. Have NOBODY TO TELL ME WHAT IS NICE TO WEAR, so I try to be neutral in clothes.
What is the best about me? I live in the center of center of the city. The most visited part of the 2.5 mil people city. I'm so in the center that I couldn't be more even If I was a billionaire.
People ride busses from 30min to an hour or more to get where I need 5 min of relaxed walking.
I mean, I hit the lottery with this location.
Im surrounded by hundreds of bars, restaurants, coffee places. I grew up in this environment. My neighbors were business people, older, never kids in the building.
I always wanted that sweet little neighborhood where everyone knows each other.
I just don't know how to use that in my advantage. Maybe people see me as a rich arrogant bastard when I'm actually poor.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Online friend overseas is suicidal, not sure how to best help. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else feel like a walking problem? or something to be avoided? i have never really had any close friends or any friends for that matter. I am so tired of being treated like an inconvenience. I am a human being with depression, not walking depression.
I have issues with smiling and making eye contact or maybe its my face.
Sorry i'm rambling i am fed up and i want what seems to come so easy to others.
|
self.depression
|
How do you guys stop yourself from isolating yourself? Socialising hasn't been working for me and it has been putting more of a toll on my body. I feel like I have no motivation to communicate with anyone; everytime I do it goes downhill. I been told by someone before that they just leave me on read on purpose. I'm always someone's second choice, even with my close and best friends. My parents won't accept who I am, even if they say they will. Sometimes it just feels like everything will be better if I block the world out.
My question is how do you guys get the energy to just not lock yourself away from others? I just can't find it in myself because it seems like nothing is working. I have the weight of my depression and social failures on my shoulders as I try so hard but I just can't find a way.
|
self.depression
|
Scared to call the suicide hotline I've been mentally debating whether or not to call the hotline,I know they tell you call them if you ever begin having these kinds of thoughts.But from what I've read as well a couple people i know having their own experiences it seems to do more than harm than good to them.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Alternatives to Coffee? Yes, a rookie question, but I was wondering what others do to “wake themselves up” for work or class with things other than caffeine that may increase their anxiety?
I get 8-9 hours of sleep a night, so it’s not a lack of sleep. I just need a pick-me-up for late shifts that won’t send me into panic mode.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Nervous to see a friend after 3 years to put what happened in the past to rest so we can move on. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
My performance review @ work - “unexpected mood swings” I was told my mood swings could limit my promotion opportunities at work. I was called emotionally immature. Crushed. I want nothing more to control how I react. I feel like this is an HR issue, but I don’t know. How do you handle working with BP?
|
self.bipolar
|
I don’t have an interesting title. I have Up days and Down days. This has been a Down week. I have recurring fantasies of plunging a knife into my belly. I feel like a waste of space and have no idea what the point of me is. I’m ugly, fat and useless. I’ve been fighting so hard to avoid hurting myself but honestly, at this point I feel like refraining hurts more. If not for my family I would end it right now. It hurts to live. It hurts to exist because existing means facing up to the fact of my absolute worthlessness.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
For those contemplating suicide, and want help. I’m here. I’ve realized now, that it’s important to embrace who you are and what you deal with. For too long i have tried to hide who i really am, and what i really feel, afraid of others looking at me as weak. For years now, i have dealt with serious thoughts of suicide, from a simple lack of motivation to live. Just last week i held a loaded gun to my head, praying for god to give me the strength to shoot. I am saying this to emphasize the point that, mental health is not a joke. It is not easy for someone like me to get up everyday with no real motivation to live. For a long time, i thought i felt this way because of breakups, or financial struggles, but i know now that is not the case. I felt the way i did, because i was afraid to be honest and open. I would sit at home and think about death, then go out in public and pretend nothing was wrong. All the while, making the situation worse. So now i am making an attempt to be open, hoping that this will relieve me of these thoughts, and allow me to be happy again.
Recently my girl friend, my life, my girl... all of a sudden broke up with me. I wasn’t expecting it at all, so it broke me completely. I am the type of person who has never seen value in living for myself, so the thought of losing her, was the same as losing my life. I wasn’t perfect in the relationship, i definitely made serious mistakes. but I loved her. and I thought that together we would conquer the world. This is all i wanted. but when she broke up with me, i felt empty. I felt the same way i did before i met her. I lost my motivation to live. I lost my will to fight, i wanted to die. I tried for weeks and weeks to just make her notice me again, make her love me again, and nothing worked. Nothing i did made her want to be with me again. So i ended up, in my bathroom, Beretta 92fs cocked and loaded, pointed to my head, ready to die. With my finger on the trigger i smiled as i finally felt i would be happy. Then something stopped me. Unable to shoot, i cried until my sister came and took the gun away. The next day, i got up and went to work, pretending to be okay, when a random guy, i had never met before walked up behind me. This guy patted me on the back and said “life is worth living.”
I’m sorry if my thoughts seemed jumbled but I am still trying to make sense of everything. How does a random guy, come up to me and make such a powerful statement? What made him choose me, out of the 30+ people in the room?
I don’t know, but that one statement saved my life. That one statement is inspiring this message, and inspiring me to live. I haven’t been able to find what i am living for, but i know i have a purpose. So if you happen to be struggling like i am, please know that things will get better. Winter can’t last forever, and Spring is coming. and If you fall, land on your back, because if you can see up, you can get up. Remember that.
I don’t know if this will help, but we can’t do this alone, but together we can.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Small amount of Random rambling about music My taste for music hasnt become edgy, not even now when i "see" blood just by closing my eyes. In all honesty it has become more positive, still shit in most people's opinion but its nice, not dark or anything. That's one of the few things that haven't gotten "darker".
Could just be the fact that i like "smooth" music, but still.
It feels nice to have something like that.
Goodnight.
|
self.depression
|
All I want is a place to put my shit, and to have some peace and quiet. I am mentally and I live with my family. I can't move it out (being mentally ill and unemployed is an actual barrier to doing this—it isn't some fucking excuse I made up). All I want is a place to build my gunpla, setup my stereo, and to not have to listen to my autistic sister fighting with my mother. I want to be able to practice guitar if I feel like it without my autistic sister coming to yell at me if I play at a volume level that is even somewhat audible. Mostly I just want to be alone and not interact with anyone, unless I decide otherwise.
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self.offmychest
|
Welcome Newcomers & QOTW: When you have free time, what do you do? -November 27, 2017 Greetings & Salutations!
Use this post to introduce yourself if you're new. Or maybe you're not so new, but haven't gotten around to introducing yourself yet in one of these posts. That's ok too! Either way, we'd love to offer you a warm welcome to our community. In fact, if you've introduced yourself before, why not take some time to say hi to the new people commenting here? What do you have going on this week that's giving you anxiety? Talk to us, we can do this together - **you're not alone in this**.
---
###Question this week:
When you have free time, what do you do?
==============================
---
**Come chat with us!** That's right we have an /r/Anxiety irc channel were we hang out and talk about random things, or help those who are having a hard time. Tons of great people so feel free to stop on in and say hello! [IRC Option](https://kiwiirc.com/client/irc.snoonet.org/anxiety) : [Discord Option](https://discord.gg/qPjH9Xu)
*********
[Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/index) | [FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/faq) | [Types of Anxiety](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/anxiety_subtypes) | [Online Resources & Downloads](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/onlineresources) | [IRC Channel](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/irc) | [Community Map](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/comments/3oux2l/add_yourself_to_ranxietys_google_map/)
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self.Anxiety
|
Lithium is out and Latuda is back! Guys, I haven't felt this healthy in over a month! Latuda may be expensive, but it enables me to live a relatively stable life.
I know that I have posted a lot recently, but I am just grateful to have people to talk to. I live in a new city and don't have any friends yet, so you guys bring me joy. Thank you.
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self.bipolar
|
Haven’t slept in 3 days A few months ago I was prescribed Trazadone for occasional use for sleep (along with Zoloft which I take daily). I haven’t had the need to use the Trazadone for a while, till a few days ago; I wanted to fix my sleep schedule before semester break was over. When I took it, I ended up more awake somehow and haven’t been able to sleep the past 3 days... running out of ideas on how to get some shut eye. Any suggestions on what to do? (ie: up my dose, listen to a particularly boring podcast, etc)
Won’t be able to make an appointment to see my doctor till I get back on campus, but not sleeping is making me more anxious than usual
TL;DR: haven’t slept in 3 days, Trazadone didn’t work, need suggestions on how to sleep
|
self.Anxiety
|
First month of relying on the Pill and my period is due in 3/4 days and I'm (completely irrational) anxioud it won't come. Can I hear some stories of how long you've been on the pill without getting pregnant? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Typical conversation in my head Me: shit i need to take my meds, i am to tierd to do that.
Also me: dont take them, nothing will happen.
Also me: mm i dont think its a good idea.
Me: you over react, just one day nothing will happen
Me: if you say so.. Its just one day.
After a couple of days..
Me: i think i should take them.
Me: naah, your doing great, in fact you should quit
meds and therapy, they just want to take your money soccer!.
Me: but..
Me: shut up dont be a loser.
After a week:
All of us: Yohooooooooo i am the greatest thing in this universe
After 2 weeks:
Me: shit..
|
self.bipolar
|
I have lost the will to do anything. I need someone to talk to [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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This is petty, whiny, and not important at all. You've been warned. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Alcoholic Father and deciding how to deal Hi folks
My dad's been an alcoholic since he was about 16 and drinks about 30 cans a day. As such, my mom left him and took us when I was six and we've had a strained relationship. He technically has partial custody but I've always known he drank too much. I've never known my dad sober. I eventually stopped going over to his house except for every few months and just for a few hours.
Now I'm 21, live 16 hours away with my SO, and hear updates. Before moving I didn't know the number of cans a day. I know my dad drinks and drives. I heard recently he stopped eating for a while. I know he get sick more often every year and he looks bad. Not yellow, but bad. His house is dirty, I know he doesn't eat healthy, he has a roommate/live in drinking buddy. His long term girlfriend is passive about it all.
I don't know what to do.
I have an older brother by 3 years who wants to pretend it isn't happen on the outside but who my mom says is reading books that will prepare him to be the father figure for our younger half brother when dad dies.
Our younger half brother is on the spectrum and 10 years younger than I am. Pretty high functioning but shy. I want him to have a different experience with our dad. His mom and our dad separated before his first year.
Some time in elementary school and again in middle school I asked my dad to stop drinking. He turned into a different person and started cursing me out. (Have you ever played GTA V? Michael's daughter calls him at one point to say she's worried about him and he curses her out in a similar way.) It continues into a long rant about every aspect of how fucked up my mom is, how everything is her fault, how hard my dad's life has been and how I would drink too, how I should have no problem making friends and I should be happy because at least I'm not like him - etc. (It's very scary and once happened on the way to tutoring. I spent the whole time crying.)
He has been physically violent to my brother and mom in the past, and I suspect that's why my brother doesn't want to bring it up.
At the same time, I want to know my dad sober. I think he'd be an okay person. I think he'd need to eliminate a lot of bad influences though.
I want my little brother to have my dad around for his graduation and his events because he wasn't at mine because my mom and him don't get along as well. I want him at our weddings, and to know our children and to teach them to whistle. He's good with kids and the love him.
I can't stop thinking about it, and not like my usual fixations with anxiety but in the sneak-up-on-you-and-make-you-sob-for-two-hours type.
I know my dad can only change if he wants to, but I want him to want to. I don't want to watch him die slowly.
Sorry for the long posttttttttttttttttt
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self.Anxiety
|
I want to give up. I want this to be my last night but I just know that tomorrow I will wake up and hate my self even more. I'm shaking with anger and fear, I thought I was done but a month later it's the same fucking shit. I'm so done. I tried pills last time and I don't know what to do this time. This is so pathetic.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't know how to start doing anything, so I don't and cry [deleted]
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self.depression
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Is "putting yourself out there" really worth it if 95% of the population will shun you for it? If I say something even slightly cynical, awkward, or "weird", people give me this look of disapproval, nod their head and say "Ahhh..." or "Wow....", and in that moment, I know I blew it. It's an indicator that I failed the audition for being someone they might associate with.
That person usually distances themselves from me from that point on. An assertive move, that they stick to as if they have a Rolodex of people in their brain that are categorized under "people who I want nothing to do with".
Is it really worth it to present yourself as your "true self", when it results in rejection from other people 95% of the time? Is it worth it to find the 5% of people who genuinely like you for who you are?
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else get self-conscious when walking? Whenever I walk in the hallways of my school, I feel weird and self-conscious. I feel like my arms and legs are too stiff, and my eyes are either moving too little or not enough. A random guy once actually asked me why I looked like I was in a daze whenever I walked, which definitely didn't help. Also, for some reason, having my backpack on makes me feel a lot less weird. Can anyone else relate to this or give any advice on how to overcome it?
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self.Anxiety
|
Why do I need to Validate and convince others MY BPD is a true and severe condition. it is real and So are its Symptoms. I need advise about how to handle this situation...Can others please share how they confront similar scenarios in their lives??? I am becoming increasingly discouraged by others, my job and even my loved ones. Everyone knows I am Bipolar and I sometimes make the worst most poor decisions, will have the obnoxious manic episode and will have self loathing depression. When I am going through these cycles I tend to isolate as I don't want any one to interfere with my high nor need to explain to them a rationale...During my mania like all of us my thinking is fleeting impaired and decisions are based upon poor determinations. I hate coming down to reality and facing life its humiliating and horrid to confront family and friends. I get many looks like "you knew better" or my fiancés look of "oh please don't give me that" or my jobs response once was "I don't buy that crap." When asked to justify why I did something I will say it was during a xyz (BP symptom) and I was thinking straight. I instantly become pissed as a 32 year old women I have to justify my actions. Then the anger is trigger! The way society is starting to empathize for those with depression I hope to see for Bipolar Disorder. I pray (no I don't truly pray I am not convinced of a god) our world of people will open up, allow diseases/conditions of ambiguity to exist with understanding their perceptions are not valid nor making a statement of observation does not make a true event/experience for the individual. Having some empathy to recognize that their needs to be a division of opinions of medical professionals/scientists and those who are not credentialed. Those that are not credentialed medical professionals or scientists, researchers, patients, etc. will learn it is unkind, unfair, rude, and ignorant to assume their opinions are valid a BP persons experience with the disorder.
Would one ever devalue the symptoms of a cancer patient, a patient with intellectual delays, or a person who is blind? No! Because that would be in poor social tase right? Well when that day comes for BP Disorder if you live in SoCal you may see a manic with happiness naked women running though streets elated! I have minimal hope that day will come before I get older and saggier but I will still do my naked run in excitement and manic!
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self.bipolar
|
I keep lying to my therapist I've been in therapy for just under a year now and it's been great - I've stopped self harming, I'm handling stress better. But I'm lying to my therapist. I tell her that I don't have suicidal thoughts or urges to self harm even though I do, because she's been so proud of how far I've come. Obviously she's a fucking therapist and not my friend so I know I can just be honest and tell her and she'll help, but I just don't want to make her sad. She and I just click so well that I sometimes don't want to tell her I've been doing so bad lately because I don't want her worrying.
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self.offmychest
|
Going to kill myself on holiday Soon. Few months at most until i can look up at the sky, with all of the dead people in my head, smile and take my fucking brains out, looking at that fabled northern lights you all wanted to see.
I'm so excited to have a means to an end of living. It's wrong but it makes me happy. Knowing that it's all gone soon.
I can just take my brains out and finally silence the dead people living in my head. Finally escape this misery.
Nobody will give a shit either way so rant done i guess. Bye reddit.
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self.offmychest
|
I don't see the point of participating in life anymore So here it goes. I just don't see the point in living anymore. Even at times when I'm in a good mood, I'm happy, and I feel love, I still can't seem to shake the question: "What's the point?" I hate sounding like some edgy middle schooler. I'm almost 21 for fucks sake. I'm working full time and going to school full time. I have a bright future ahead of me where I'll get paid to make other people healthy and happy. Making other people happy is the only reason I haven't offed myself yet. I would make my mother cry, and I can't do that. I have friends and family and even acquaintances and past patients that I've talked to for only a day or two who would be sad if I left. But that doesn't make me want to stay alive. It just makes me afraid. Afraid that I will do something I shouldn't do.
I only live to serve. I live to do what I'm told, what I'm supposed to do. Even at my highest point in my young adult life, where I was sober with a girlfriend and a bright outlook on life, I still would have rather been dead.
All I want is for somebody to tell me that I'm overreacting and that I need to shut the fuck up. I want somebody to tell me to put effort into my emotions. I want somebody to tell me to stop using drugs. I want somebody to tell me what to do. I'm lost and I don't want to find my way home. All I want to do is to quit this fucking game.
Holy fuck all I want to do is to apologize to whoever is reading this. I went to edit this post just to say I'm sorry. I want to apologize for posting this in A SUBREDDIT FOR GETTING THINGS OFF YOUR CHEST. Dear god I'm pathetic. I'm sorry, everyone.
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self.offmychest
|
Feel so weird I don't know how to describe it but I feel so weird. Like I'm not myself and my perception of everything is off. I just want to feel normal
|
self.Anxiety
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Hanging myself, despite having a clear window into a "great life," because I'm not dumb enough to go on living. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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trying not to cry at my desk right now This whole day I've been on the verge of tears and my anxiety just keeps going up and up.
Do you ever feel like people punish you for feeling sad? Like last night I told my ex-boyfriend - kinda-still boyfriend (it's really complicated and he defines it that we're "lightly dating" after we decided to take a break after 4 years together) that I wanted to talk and he knows how I'm feeling and i feel like because I wanted to talk about my feelings he's punishing me by not texting back or answering my phone.
I hate this feeling, i fucking hate it because I'm at my desk, on the verge of tears, leg shaking, just waiting for a text that I worry will never come.
I feel like I'm being punished for having feelings and wanting to talk through them.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I just want this pain to stop.
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self.depression
|
How fucked is this? Wife and I get drunk. She suggests we bathe together. She decides it's better if I bath alone while we talk. She leaves part way through. I fall asleep in the bathtub several hours later shivering uncontrollably and she's asleep in bed. We fight and I end up punching a hole in the wall (very disappointed in myself here tbh) and she falls back asleep. I'm here debating a glass of bleach and the main thought to convince me no is, "but if you die it will break her and she'll fail the NCLEX exam."
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self.SuicideWatch
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I KEEP BEING IMPULSIVE I took 2.5mg Clonazepam and 5mg Clotiazepam with a bit of alcohol. I officially hate my life, why do I depend on this? Why am I such a piece of shit? I can't even control myself. I wanna overdose, maybe for once my family will take me seriously and stop leaving me with those "just get over it" comments
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self.depression
|
Sinners have no right to wish merry Christmas So many sinners in tis' world of ours. They sin every day. Every day of every year. Acts of unimaginable levels are committed by such mortals. And on the 25th of the 12th month of every year, they wish every person a 'merry christmas' in the name of the father. 'Tis' is disagraceful act committed by such sinners. They have no right to utter those holy words through their tainted tongues. Praise to the lord that he is all forgiving. For they do not know how much they are in the wrong. Only pure souls like myself may utter those holy wishes among others. Wish you all a joyous and merry Christmas
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety when excited about anything Does anyone else get like this? When I get extremely excited about something I can't stop thinking about it. I get so anxious. I feel like I obssess and worry until whatever I'm excited about is over. Like currently just got supplies so I can start my own business from home but I haven't been able to use them yet because life stuff. But all I can think about is starting on business stuff. It's getting late and I'm tired and I know I have all day tomorrow to work on everything but yet I can't sleep. I feel like if I wait it won't be as successful or something. Or if I wait I won't be as excited about it. I have anxiety medication but it doesn't help when I'm too excited.
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self.Anxiety
|
Im on acid right now This is the journey of a lifetime
The world is pure for once
Life can be
This is how humans should feel constantly
The sky is huge and i am a part of this world
Life is important
This is why people are themselves
The ground is soft
Life has made me pure
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self.offmychest
|
Worthlessness This past year has been the hardest I've ever been through, especially recently.. I went out of my way to make this account just so I can have somewhere to escape. 3years ago I decided to leave this mentally abusive situation I was in for my entire highschool days, it was really tough to do, no matter what I was put through I just wanted to be with that person but they only ever used me, I never even got a chance. That on its own emotionally damaged me. A year later I remembered a repressed incident of being molested by my father at age 6, the worst part is that I remembered because I found out that all of my sisters and female cousins were also sexually assaulted by this man. The first year I distracted myself so it wouldn't get to me, soon I ran out of daily distractions. It got to the point where I couldn't even move out of one spot on my bed for days at a time (this is how 2017 started). I had no will to eat, shower, socialize or live. I lost my job due to this behavior affecting my workstyle. I made a dumb, impulsive, decision to leave the roommate I was with to go with an unstable family member because I just couldn't stand being alone all day everyday anymore. I couldn't stand the feeling of laying on that fucking bed, or staring at the uneven paint on the walls any longer. There wasn't even sadness in me, just numb. Moving didnt help. Being around another person didnt help. In fact it made it worse. I felt like I was going to die in that house, like they were the last walls I would ever see. Eventually she couldn't afford the bills and never gave me a chance to help out so I had to move again. This completely broke my spirit. I went from being a stuggling minor surviving off her friends couches, spending years working hard to get to the point where I could sustain my well being on my own, just to let it all crumble in a matter of months cuz I lost all will to live. One night I was going to take my own life, but when it came down to it, everything I owned that could do the job had been packed up and stored a good ways away, so what I used just didnt work. I decided not to due to my cat (the only reason I could think of), so more weeks went by of being this numb shell of a person. eventually I had to leave town cuz it was my best option. While being away I reflected on my past and rounded things I truely regret in life. One of them was never giving one of my best friends a chance to be with me, i decided I wanted to treat others how I wish to be treated, especially when it comes to love. So I told him the situation I was in and if he still wanted this. Instantly I was told yes and that I was his goals all Along. I had been going through so much already I tried to take it as emotionally slow as possible so I wouldn't get hurt, yet I still put in maximum effort to be the best fucking girlfriend even if it was Long distance, or maybe I just thought I did.... opening my heart up for the first time in years made it really easy to develope feelings for him and get attached, especially since he had wanted to be with me for years at this point, I pictured years to add on but together. I was actually Euphoric for the first time In years and felt as if life was finally going to be okay for me.
I had only been out of town for three weeks and did everything I could to see him as much as possible the week before I left. I constantly messaged him til he slowly stopped messaging me back. At first I told myself that he just needed time for himself, not everyone can be on their phones 24/7, even though my intuition was telling me that he was over it. There was someone else and I'm just not enough anymore and he realized that. I kept my spirit up and didnt listen to those thoughts, I wanted to hold onto this happiness I had for as long as possible. I told him I was coming down for thanksgiving, at first he tried to make it seem as if he wasn't going to have enough time in the week, til he caved and told me we should just be friends, that distance was too hard. it hurt me, even though I understood the fact that I wasnt going to be there for a while, I just told myself that we can try again when I move back. The next day I found out that my intuition was right and that i was indeed left for another girl because I wasn't enough. when I asked for the truth I just got treated like another dumb hoe piece of shit, just like my old partner would do. I just couldn't believe it, the one person I thought could never fuck me up like that did. I would have never even thought of hurting him the way he did me, I just wanted to take it slow emotionally to avoid this but I got fucked up no matter what. Now I know all I'll ever be good for is giving poeple what they want then being discarded. I now know that I'm incapable of ever being truely loved at the end of the day no matter what. My father couldn't love me instead he violated me and left, my first love couldn't love me just used me, any person I ever showed interest in fucked me then moved on, even the one person who had wanted to be with me the moment he met me, pretty much fucked me and left me. When will I be enough for someone? I'm going to turn 20 in two months and not once in my life have I ever known the feeling of truly being wanted and loved. I've never felt so low, I've never left so worthless.
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self.depression
|
[Advice Needed] How to tell my mom I want to take anti-anxiety medication regularly? I've been coping with a shitty breakup for a few months and started lexapro mid October by reccomendation of my family doctor and my mom has been supportive. (F21 on my parent's health insurance/living with them) I started the meds with the idea that they're for coping with my major depressive episode. I've been struggling with generalized anxiety disorder for about 2 years now and realize that my general anxiety has made coping with this breakup much much worse. Not only has lexapro helped me feel mostly back to normal after a huge loss, I feel like my anxiety has improved too. My mom seems to think I'm all better now and should quit the meds... I really don't want to. I have to return to school/a different city post breakup and start a new life and I would really like to be honest with my mom about this since she has helped me so much. I really don't know how to talk to her about this because I don't know how to explain my struggles with anxiety. I'd really appreciate any thoughts/advice.
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self.Anxiety
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Is it ok if I post something I wrote while depressed? It’s about 1 page in length in word. I’m doing much better now. Just would like everyone’s thoughts about it and how my writing is. Thanks! [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I forgot what happiness feels like I forgot what true happiness feels like because I just feel like an empty void. I mean I laugh and have my moments but right after I feel completely empty of emotion. I sat in bed and tried to find happiness but I just couldn't and then I passed out because I'm just so tired. What is wrong with me.
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self.depression
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I don’t want to be a burden anymore My life has halted. I’ve run away to another country and my mental health has deteriorated. If I go home, my parents will have to help me again, as if the first time wasn’t enough. But I can’t do this anymore. I’m sick of being hopeful one minute and crushed the next. The pain this will cause for them will be but a moment,dealing with my depression would last for far too long
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self.SuicideWatch
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Suicidal due to anxiety I won't hurt myself, I am safe but my anxiety makes me WANT to. I have bipolar but that's actually under control. It's downright terror and feeling like I keep making mistakes and my own obsessive thoughts that make me want to die....
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self.Anxiety
|
TMS I posted this in r/bipolar, but I thought I would share here too.
I just finished 30 sessions of TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation). It uses magnetic pulses to stimulate the brain in regions associated with depression. Its used for treatment resistant depression. The sessions last 40 minutes, 5 days a week for 6 weeks. I now start the taper phase, which is 2 days a week for 3 weeks. I've seen a few people ask about it, so I thought I would share my experience.
The first few days were uncomfortable, but thwn I got used to it. It feels like a tapping on your skull. The machine is pretty loud, but they have earplugs available if you want them. You just sit in a chair that looks like a dentist chair, I watchef TV during the sessions. When I started I was thinking about suicide pretty much non stop. In my 2nd week I felt like I was actually getting worse. I told the TMS tech and she said that isn't unusual. By the 4th week I was starting to feel better. The suicide ideation pretty much went away. I went from sleeping 14 hours a night to sleeping 7. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but it seems to be working.
The only side effect was a mild headache, which I got after most sessions. Not everyone gets headaches. I was skeptical when mt doctor suggested it, but I am glad I did it. My insurance covered it, so I figured I had nothing to lose. It was a big time commitment, but I was so depressed it wasn't like I was doing anything else anyway. It at least gave me a reason to get out of bed.
If you have been thinking about it, and your insurance covers it (it is like 12 thousand dollars without insurance) I would recommend looking into it. I'm optimistic about these results lasting (or at least I hope they do).
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self.depression
|
I need advice Hey guys, so I’m posting here because I really don’t know where else to go. I can’t talk to my friends about it because they won’t be able to give me advice free from their emotions, which is something I really need right now. This is going yo be half me venting and half me asking an actual question. For your information, I am 18 year old male in university.
I am planning on killing myself within the next few days, maybe weeks. I have felt unimaginably overwhelmed by loneliness and responsibilities that I have to others for as long as I can remember, except now I have the ability to escape from it. At this point, I’ve accepted and internalized the idea of killing myself so much that I no longer fear it. The only thing I fear about it is how it will leave my closest friends.
A few days ago, in a drunken stupor, I stupidly told my three closest friends my plan. I have not stopped regretting it. They told me that they would be incredibly devastated by my death. I’m certain one of them would slip back into alcoholism, if not kill himself too. I feel selfish for still planning to kill myself, but I also feel like they’re being selfish for not letting me. I just want peace of mind in knowing that I can safely leave them behind (which, of course, they’re not going to give me).
After I told them, my one friend, the one I’m most concerned about, has been spending time with me nonstop. Believe me, I really really appreciate his effort in comforting me, but I still feel no less empty. He is literally the only reason I haven’t done it yet. I love him so much, more than I’ve ever loved someone, and would never want to hurt him. At the same time, I just want to be reassured that he will get over it.
They tell me I’m the smartest person they’ve ever met, that I have such a promising future. I want to believe them, but honestly I just can’t. I either don’t believe it or just don’t care. I just want to be done.
If one of your loved ones committed suicide, how would you react? Would you forgive them? Understand their situation?
I desperately need clarity and reassurance in this situation.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My Car was stolen on Christmas Eve My car was stolen. I really hope they dont find it. I cant afford to gef it out of wherever they take it. Also have a horrible sore throat. I refuse to let any of this ruin Christmas. Merry Christmas to you all!
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self.offmychest
|
so its finally time i guess. i've felt it coming a while now. i hope this is legible and coherent. First of all, its all my fault and no one else. I just don't have any motivation left to improve, or even live this life. I'm sorry.
Mummy and Papa: You're the best parents anyone could ever ask for. I'm sorry to have been such a big failure, disappointment and to have wasted so much of your money.
Sister: I love you so much. I wasn't the brother you wanted me to be. I could've been a better sibling if I tried. But I didn't. I am sorry. I wish you all the best. Please take care of mummy and papa.
My roommates: I am so fucking sorry to leave you all in such a mess. Please try to understand that I tried my best. I really did. But it wasn't enough. It's never been enough. I am sorry.
To my advisor and Professors: I am sorry to have wasted so much of your time and resources when they could have been spent on someone worthy of help. More than me. I am sorry. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
To my friends back home: I am sorry. Please take care of yourselves. You were always there for me when I needed to talk to someone. Please seek help if you feel like it. I am so sorry you couldn't help me.
Everyone else: Finally, I wish you all the best. I just wasn't cut out to live a life. I am sorry for whatever pain I caused and I know I made all your lives so much more difficult. I won't be doing that anymore hopefully.
Goodbye :)
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I am a clone I am not alone Every fiber of my flesh and bone is identical to the others.
Every word I say is in the same tone as my test-tube brother's voice.
There is no choice between us,
if you had ever seen us, you'd rejoice in your uniqueness
and consider every weakness
something special of your own...
https://youtu.be/SEwi2UZrewA
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self.bipolar
|
I suffer from anxiety and hate society, so i wrote a horror story: Enjoy “What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine'? ” -Friedrich Nietzsche
The last thing i remember is people. Thousands and thousands of people. I was smiling. Well, pretending to smile. Words and stories. Stories and words. Sickly. The music was loud. Almost deafening. I couldn’t hear my own voice, let alone anyone else’s. “Oh I looove your shoes”, “where’d you get those glasses”, “Don’t I remember you from…”, any random excuse to spark a conversation. Why were they talking to me? Why did they want to talk to me? Did i do something? Was I pretty? Who cares, either way i can’t hear them. Smile and nod, laugh when they laugh. I had a loud laugh. They seemed to like that because they just kept talking, talking, talking. My first words in minutes: “Wait a second, I don’t mean to be rude. I’m just getting a call this second. I’m going to step out for a second.” I was lying. About the call. About the second. but not about stepping out. The night air was frozen. No jacket. I look at my phone, 72% battery. Six texts. I swipe, deleting them before reading. I’ll probably regret that in the morning. Whatever, I just need a break. I start making my way back home.
I get back to my apartment on the sixth floor. I lock the door behind me. Both locks. Im exhausted. Tomorrow, Im going to have a “me” day. Before falling asleep, I check my phone 68%, no texts.
The door, My door…it was Chained. The metal was rusted, filthy. Strewn across without any perceivable order. The largest and heaviest of the dozen chains, laid diagonally, ending with a curved hook. Two rotting chunks of wood were positioned horizontally nailed deeply into the door and wall. Every part of the door was covered, except the glass eyehole. Five nail scratch marks were etched into the door through the small openings and apertures of the chains. The disturbing part, the blood-freezing realization, was that these chains were on the INSIDE, whoever had done this was still in the apartment.
Rushing towards the knife in the kitchen, my heart pounded. Small tears forming, why is this happening to me? is this a joke? Intently Listening. I didn’t move for seconds, minutes, maybe hours. Silence. Perfect silence. I take my first step and jumped at the sound of my own foot. No matter how hard I searched: Every closet, under every bed. I couldn’t find anyone, anything.
I have to get out of here. Staying in here for another second, just the idea of it drives me insane. I reach for my lamp and unscrew the bulb. The metal is cold to the touch, but the bulb is scorching hot. I had left it on for the entire prior night because, to be honest, I can’t stand the dark. Both my hands gripped the base of the lamp like a heavy bat and i swung at the door. It made so much noise that my ears started ringing. I swung again and again. Between each swing I yelled until my lungs burst, “Help me! Please Someone! Help Meee!” Maybe my neighbors will hear me. I switched my target to the walls. First the left-most wall and then the right. Each swing left a deep mark, but no holes. The walls were thick. Why can’t anyone hear me? I continued for an hour, 3600 seconds.
I fell to the floor. This isn’t working. Maybe my neighbors aren’t home. Maybe I’m not loud enough…Maybe I’m not good enough. No, I can’t start beating myself up at a time like this. Breathe, Just Just Breathe. I pick myself back up, wiping a few tears from my eyes. I reach for the lamp and start to fasten the bulb. The bulb was cold, even colder than the lamp’s metal. I must have been at it for some time. Placing the battered lamp back on the stand, I notice a thin scratch mark on the wall stretching from the edge of the lamp table leading to the back of it. I grab the table and slowly pull it back. With each thrust and pull, more and more of the mark was revealed. The Scratches got deeper. Oh God, It looks just like the nail marks on the door. I pull the entire table back and the sickly message stood before me: “DON’T LEAVE THE ROOM”. No No NO. Its in my own hand-writing.
When I’m at parties I’m nervous. When I’m nervous i drink. There’s so many people in here. I would have hated this, but that “me” was two vodka shots ago. The music is loud, but now its suddenly uplifting not deafening. Someone cute passed by the corner of my eye and now its all my eyes can focus on. Maybe I’ll ask him one of those stupid questions. Anxiety starts to surge through my body. In that second, I take another shot and approach him. “I love your shoes where’d you get those?” I can’t even hear his response or remember it. All i know is that we’re dancing. He hands me another shot. How many seconds have passed? 3600? I start to feel sluggish. Maybe another shot will pump me up. I love this song. He reaches in to kiss me; I close my eyes and kiss him back. I would never have done this sober. His tongue tastes terrible, rusted, filthy. I can barely stand. I’m going to be sick. Pushing him back, I stumble to the bathroom. I looked back. He didn’t look confused, angry, or happy. Just a blank stare, hollow eyes. The music is pounding, it hurts my ears. i get to the bathroom, lock the door behind me, fall to my knees, pull my hair back, and start vomiting. My eyes start to water, my heart rate doubled, tripled, and i vomit again. How long have i been here. The seconds. It takes all my energy, but i manage to get on my feet. I make my way to the mirror and splash freezing water on my face. The music stopped. The faucet is still cold as i wash my hands. This looks so familiar: the soap, the mirror, the shower. I can’t hear anything. No music, no voices. Silent. Perfect silence. I look in the mirror once more with clear eyes. This This This is my bathroom. No! I rush to the door, throw it open and…I’m back in my bedroom. the boy’s gone, the music, the party. All gone. Just an empty vodka bottle on my desk.
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self.depression
|
Partner has bipolar- worried that I am bad for her Partner was diagnosed with bipolar at start of year. We have been together for a long time but have been having a lot of problems for the last two years. We both have a lot of baggage not including any of the bipolar stuff. Things are tough financially and I have a stressful job. We recently moved to a new town and my partner knows no one and is completely isolated from family and friends. I have solid career prospects where I am and a good job. My partners family is ok, her dad is quite wealthy and would do a lot more to support her if she was living there etc. but we wouldn't get the same help if we were together. I sometimes think she might be better off without me as there doesn't feel like there is much I can do to improve our situation but if she moved in with family she would get more support and a release of her financial pressure etc. I probably sound like a ass trying to offload my bipolar partner but its not like that. I'm a logical person and genuinely believe it may be better for her health.
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self.bipolar
|
I didn't ask to be born Both my boyfriend and I don't see the point in living. It cost so much money just to live. Bills, housing, insurance, there is always something new we are required to pay. We both work a front desks at different establishments, because we don't have experience in our degrees. We both question of what we chose to graduate in is worth it. We both feel lost and hopeless. Seeing our families during the holidays did nothing for us. We are both depressed and exhausted working 40 hours a week and don't even make enough for bills and food. We are 26 btw. The only thing holding us back were our families would suffer but honestly we don't care. Why is their happiness priority over ours. I don't know why I posting this because positive comment don't mean anything the feel is temporary.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Pretty girls Pretty girls make me go crazy. Every where i go the girls are looking so nice and cute, i get this overwhelming urge to talk to them, which is bizarrely out of character for me (I'm shy) . Mostly i just want to tell them how pretty they look, and when i do i get flustered and make for an exit.
Is this common for other people too? I mean, it feels like hyper sexuality without the sexuality, more just wanting to meet and say something nice to these gals.
I feel like its more about connecting for a random moment than about anything else. Not that i wouldn't kiss these girls, but i don't think that's what drives it.
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self.bipolar
|
First time actually being affected by my depression. I think I need advice what to do... [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Encephalitis that mimics bipolar and schizophrenia? Saw this the other day, was wondering if anyone here is in the Houston area and participating. https://www.bphope.com/treatable-condition-could-be-mistaken-for-schizophrenia-or-bipolar-disorder/
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self.bipolar
|
What extra powers do you get when you're unwell? I'm sure we all do crazy and out of character things when we're unwell. Sometimes they can be an improvement on what we're like normally, e.g. being highly creative.
Personally I get super human strength when manic which requires six people for a restraint. I have no idea where it comes from as I'm a 5'2 woman of medium build.
What are other 'powers' or extra abilities do you get?
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self.bipolar
|
intro post, family history r/bipolar constituents:
hello! my name is cam. i’m a 21 year old college student in central mississippi. i work part time at a disease registry as a researcher and am currently searching for a second part time job.
and i’m pretty damn sure i’m type 2.
last august i went to my primary care doctor, who takes care of me, my elderly dad, and my older sister. i hadn’t yet suspected bipolar disorder but something didn’t round out the overwhelming symptoms of type 2 i’d learn would align with my state of mind at that time.
i was subject to painful lows, persistent dips below the surface. i looked to my bed the second i got home from job training, ate scrupulously as to fulfill OCD compulsions that spelled disaster if not satisfied. when i was up, i was up. i had money, i blew it. i’d go to a chintzy dollar store just to get a satisfaction of my spending habit. i overlooked my health, the state of my car, and my obligations to buy things i had no use for. i posted on social media without regard for my audience. i sped on the major interstate i take to work every morning. i operated in my entirety at a dysfunction and at a need to satisfy my sole wants.
i was losing it. my doctor put me on 25mg lamictal which, coupled with my job at the time and having a less than receptive boss as to my mental health, resulted in an ambulance trip to the hospital with chest pain and shortness of breath. desperate, i went to the nearest psychiatric hospital for a nurse practitioner’s advice.
150mg trileptal and 150mg effexor xl later, i thought i was in the right lane to couple med regimens with lifestyle changes. i spoke out to my teachers, confided in my mother, whose relationship with me has been less than maternal. but i was barely awake. my PCD would tell me this medication combination had me practically sedated. i ate upwards of 2,200 calories a day in a joint effort to gain energy and recover from a problem with food restriction. i slept eight hours every night.
we slashed the trileptal in half and some relief was granted. still i was drifting further and further down to today. i was denied a job offer by my family last night and i was hysterical, packing my bags while they pleaded with me to stay. the need to get out of my house was almost unbearable. i was pissed, upset at my dad for not letting me be independent, at my sister for nagging me.
i regrouped after submitting to staying at home and focusing on school in consideration of my dad’s wishes. but i’m still unsettled. i’m still figuring things out as to my job and school, and i hope i can acquire some useful advice with my subscription to this sub.
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self.bipolar
|
Anxiety around things that are unusual, rude, or weird on what others do, say, or how they look I don’t know if it’s just me but whenever I’m near someone or something going on that is considered weird or rude I get anxious.
For example, I take the bus to get to and come back from school. In one of the buses I have to take there are sometimes sketchy looking people, like a person with tons of piercings on their face. Or even for their behaviour. Like if they’re talking a lot or swearing or talking in a gangster cool kid kind of way. If im around someone I’m pretty familiar with and they look like that or act that way, I’m fine, but if it’s a stranger I get anxious. What are some tips or ways to think about this situation to not feel anxious? Or is it valid? Maybe I think that I’m not safe around those people or that they might try and cause harm to me.
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self.Anxiety
|
Just another scar I seem to be stuck in this cycle, I just cut and watch myself bleed. It seems to be the only thing that makes me feel even close to ok. Everyday I just and think about ending it all. I think I’ve finally decided on going down my arm or just cutting the side of my neck. I think it will let the most blood flow out. At least I can watch it flow out as I go. Seems like all my life I’ve been cutting, and I’ve never had someone ask or wonder how I got the scars. I finally come to the conclusion that I’m alone, and that’s just how it is. I’m ready to go. I’ve already decided, just haven’t done it. Already have someone to cremate me. I’m in a hole and I see a way out, but I haven’t done it and I don’t know why.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Melanie Martinez Being Accused of Rape Kinda Fucked Me Up (pun not intended) I mean, I don't now her personally of course, or Timothy, for that matter. It's just Melanie's music helped me at a really dark place at my life (part of it having to process my own sexual assault ironically enough) and to know that someone I look up to is possibly capable of something as fucked up as that? I want to cry.
Timothy's account is so detailed and just believable, and it didn't help that Melanie's response seemed so...*dispassionate*. Melanie had the nerve to say "Timothy never said no". Because you never accepted her "no's" Because you got her under the influence and fucking coerced her until she said yes to get you to stop. You wouldn't leave her alone until she gave in, and didn't stop when she said "Never mind, stop, I don't want this". Allegedly anyway.
The victim in me wants to take Timothy at her word, no evidence be damned, but my affection for Melanie says to take her side. Logically I should wait for evidence, but there wouldn't even *be* anything I don't think. It's "She said, she said" at this point.
And no matter my "choice", I feel like a monster, or a traitor.
Ugh, why do people suck?
|
self.offmychest
|
Albuterol Apparently I have pneumonia and they gave me a breathing treatment with albuterol and now I’m cleaning my entire house. I cannot sit still. Any experience??? I have a script to pick up for it too.enjoying the high but is this bad ..?
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self.bipolar
|
Funny Feelings Post I've seen twitter accounts for moms posting funny reasons their kids cry, and couples posting funny reasons they had an argument.
I wanted to jump in, with this same frame of mind, for "reasons nobakot888 has overreacted in some way or other in recent memory" --
These things sometimes *do* deserve a reaction. Sometimes they are genuinely disappointing, or exciting, or complex. I just want to point out that I've *over* reacted.
Sometimes my friends try to validate my feelings when what I need more is a reality check. I feel like I can't always trust that my own feelings are- while valid because I'm feeling them- functional to be expressing in polite society.
Here are some situations to which I have recently overreacted, sometimes negatively sometimes positively:
- My partner met one of his friends of 5 years by going on a couple memorably horrible dates with her
- My partner had to go take a nap
- My partner didn't want to spend the night together once due to his sleeping disorder
- See most recent entries 2+ per week
- My partner wanted to talk to someone else at a party which apparently obviously means he hates me
- A friend I hadn't seen in 2 years visited town, and she's obviously my favourite person ever even though I had literally forgotten she existed
- My best friend touched my shoulder in the wrong moment
- My mom (whom I love) visited me unannounced in the hospital
- Someone lent me their markers
- My best friend was chewing too loudly
What are some of yours? I just like this framing, it adds a bit of self-reflection or even humor to some of the rougher emotional edges that I'm learning I've got. It's not as clear as the examples I gave of kids throwing tantrums or couples fighting - not all of those resulted in a tear-streaked meltdown or over-the-top celebratory moment. But all of them were times I reacted inappropriately. It's so hard to gauge what's appropriate.
|
self.bipolar
|
Why am i panicky for no reason? or mustn't there always be a reason? So I have my fair share and history with panic attacks and I can handle them. Sure, now that I developed a stronger hypochondria, it is more present than before, but I was at the doctors last week and that helped to alleviate my anxiety for a bit now.
But today - I was stressfree in the morning, had my time, even did some phone calls without worries, made an appointment for a new psychological evaluation (they called me after a year), had a nice walk, a chill job interview (although I do not want to take it), had nice chats, found something useful, bought new glasses ... I still felt nervous and panicky, my heart beating and even hurting, legs weak. I tried not to focus on it, I talked to myself how ridiculous it was to feel panicky for no reason. And now I am sitting here at home drinking a relaxing tea, but still have that choking feeling, but AGAIN, I must highlight, for NO APPARENT REASON? WHY?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Is it wrong to tell someone about someone else being suicidal even if they don't want you to? My boyfriend is constantly very suicidal and I'm the only person who knows about this. He won't let me tell anyone to help him out at all and gets really annoyed when I bring it up. My question is: is is wrong to tell someone else who could help him? I go to sleep every night terrified that I'll wake up and he'll be dead. I've tried my best to help him but everything I've tried does nothing for him. Please help.
|
self.depression
|
The irony of being prescribed lithium on the day you wear a Nirvana shirt to the pdoc.
|
self.bipolar
|
I just want it to end. I’m a piece of shit that ruins every holiday. I hope I die soon. I deserve it.
|
self.depression
|
Where do I start? I have already posted this in another subreddit but want to ask for advice and tips here too.
Three years ago I was in treatment for my ADD. From there they found out there was more to me than just ADD. Two years after being diagnosed with ADD I also got diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I've been in Mentalization Based Treatment for a year and half now. I thought that my life could finally start after the treatment. Last summer I got so severely depressed that my therapists could no longer help me through therapy. The psychiatrist prescribed me Prozac and after three weeks Prozac my life was one big party. I was rushing through life with so much energy and I thought: so this is what normal life is like. I didn't want to go to sleep and felt so happy for about two months. One week ago I crashed really hard. Found out it's normal to have an early Prozac poop-out if you're actually bipolar. I was so anxious. How could the antidepressant I got along with so well let me down? Last week I was so damn euphoric and into life and living. My therapist said she already knew that I was going to crash, but she couldn't even say something because I kept on interrupting her with my great life stories about how well everything was going. Yesterday I got prescribed Lamictal and today I asked why. Turns out the euphoric episodes have been happening through the whole treatment and the crash (depression) too. Thinking back everything really falls into place. I never want to go to sleep or want the days to end when I'm hypomanic. I make so much appointments and promises. And I wondered why it never lasted. I thought the episodes of depression was because of the BPD so I didn't really look for anything underlying. I just assumed this was what it was going to be. I do remember always wondering why it had to be so damn exhausting. I thought those happy (hypomanic) episodes could last forever if only I gave my all in treatment. Today it all makes sense and I feel really detached from myself. This is the first time I'm scared to accept a diagnosis, actually really scared. It feels like all the years before were a complete lie and waste of time. The diagnosis just makes so much sense. I'm still getting treatment and I'll continue getting treatment after the MBT for bipolar 2. Funny thing is.. during group sessions I couldn't always empathize with the others. I always just sat there really quiet and other times extremely talkative. I could relate a lot but it didn't feel like I could relate for 100%. I don't know where to get information and what to do, what steps to take, how to build structure. Honestly I don't know what to do and where to begin. What about the Lamictal? Does that go well with Prozac? I know Prozac can trigger hypomania but I want to taper off instead of letting it go cold turkey. I'm new to this diagnosis and the fact that I'm scared to accept it as a part of who I am tells me it has to be the beginning of starting the right way of going through life. Any advice is super welcome. I feel detached from myself and very lonely. I know I'm not lonely, but damn. (I'm a 24 y/o student living on my own in Amsterdam, studying child's psychology and hopefully almost getting my diploma!).
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm tired and frustrated. I feel like the good that I do gets dismissed and minimized, yet the very second I do the slightest bit of wrong, the people around me cannot rush quickly to condemnation and judgment quickly enough. I try to do the right things in life.
I've seldom ever been in trouble, and never at all in any legal trouble. When thinking of what to do I contemplate what would be generous, fair, altruistic, sustainable, and honest, and ideally what best accounts for the experiences others have had that I might not fully understand.
I am exceptionally careful with my speech and actions, not because I want to be politically correct but because I want to be kind and polite. I try to be a feminist, to be mindful of implicit bias and privilege, and most generally to be friendly and respectful.
I try to be a good person, and while I don't want (or believe that I deserve) a *trophy* for these efforts, I would at least appreciate recognition of that fact given in the form of not being **savaged** and having **the worst assumed of my motives and character** at the slightest hint that I may not have made the best choice in a particular case. I would **ESPECIALLY** appreciate this when I am *asking for advice* on what to do in a situation and **expressly indicating** that I want to make the choice that **best avoids making anyone uncomfortable or overstepping any boundaries**.
I just can't deal with people. Too many of them are brainless and cruel. I don't believe in suicide but right now I feel a dreadful combination of exasperation, depression, and exhaustion.
I am sick of getting little or no credit for anything good I do yet getting condemned **EVERY TIME** I **POSSIBLY** make a mistake. It's TIRESOME and I've fucking had it and I don't know what to do. I just want it to stop.
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self.depression
|
What to do when someone won't admit they have an anxiety problem My father has several severe mental health issues but absolutely refuses to get treatment for any of them. He'll call my apartment all day when I'm at work leaving messages and also calls my mobile phone incessantly. I answer a few times per day at work, but for the most part, I have to keep it silent.
The calls don't stop when I get home, always with the purpose of wanting to make sure I'm "all right." He keeps this going well into the night and I can't get any sleep. If I don't answer disconnect the landline, he'll show up and start pounding on the door. I've tried telling him he needs to stop doing this, but he thinks it's perfectly normal and acceptable behavior.
To put this in context, he also thinks he's a prophet who was foretold in the bible, believes every dream he has is a message from God, says he single-handedly stopped the 9/11 attacks and so on. When anyone tells him he has anxiety issues and needs help, he gets furious and sometimes violently so.
He's stubborn to the point that he's literally touched scalding items solely because he was told not to in order to avoid a burn. I've tried the reverse psychology approach, but that hasn't worked either.
Has anyone on here had to deal with such an issue, and if so, what did you do about it?
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self.Anxiety
|
I would do it but I’m scared of my fiancee killing herself And I’m scared of what my mom would do. I’m too emotionally drained and exhausted after rounds of panic attacks last night to explain but god. Why am I even here. I just want to fucking go. My fiancee will be better off. She doesn’t see it, not yet, but someday she’ll have to the hard way.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Doubting my BPII Diagnosis, Apprehensive About Meds, Feeling Like a Fake [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Feeling useless and inadvertently hurting my family *Mini Rant* [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Think I should kms before I hurt others Sick and tired of people treating others like shit. I hate my own family, my mother always says I'll miss her when she's gone but secretly I would love that. I can't be myself without people bothering me. When people think of abuse they think of just physical. They normalise verbal abuse. All I need to do to ruin others lives is handicap them, ruin their pretty faces, spread rumours and everyone will stay away from them. It works. Much better than killing them if u ask me. I never say anything back to those who mess with me. I put on a mask and pretend to be the nice girl.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Mourn the loss, and just keep living. I figured adulthood would be like a series of hapless adventures, held together with the wisdom and support of my friend group. Growing up, I was scarcely prepared for the reality of adulthood. And I was definitely not prepared for the loneliness and unfortunate periods where all of my friends seemed to be moving forward without me. And when that happens, It is so easy to feel spiteful towards my friends. It's easy to just put all of the blame on them for leaving, for progressing. Even if the good part of me is happy for them throughout all of it. It's easy to spend most of my time reminiscing about the way things used to be, and spitefully reject the reality of it all. I don't want to move forward, because the past just looks so much better. The past was a place where there was camaraderie and togetherness and growth. And now, the present just seems bleak in comparison. Perhaps that's what I need to remember most at those times. As depressing as the entire experience is, it's all just a part of growing up. And it's nobody's fault or responsibility to fix. It's just the way the cookie crumbles.
|
self.depression
|
Is anyone elses depression turning them into an asshole? My parents seem really disappointed in me and have huge problems with my "laziness" and the little friend groups I'm in only keep me because I'm occasionally funny. More recent though, my jokes are becoming more offensive to which I haven't really paid attention, but now that I think about it I'm basically turning into a huge asshole with no excuse (I've only told my parents (which kind of backfired) and my best friend about my depression).
|
self.depression
|
Parent & brother spying on my social media and everything else [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
On the joys of motherhood, while being fucked in the brain by depression. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I don't know how I'm going to be able to live with my brain for the rest of my life,it's so exhausting. I'm not sure if can deal with these feelings forever. I'll be fine one week then it's all down hill. No one seems to take me seriously. I'm struggling.
|
self.bipolar
|
Always feeling like I’m the one who did something wrong [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm going to fucking kill my self I don't even know why I'm making this fucking post. I've talked to suicide prevention hotlines dozens of times. I've heard literally anything any of you will say hundreds of times. I just want to die.
The only thing keeping me alive is knowing how it would effect certain people in my life, if not for that I'd be out of here.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What fun exercises can i do without running into other people? i want to be alone, need some suggestions
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self.depression
|
Medication question I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in December 2016 and prescribed 50 mg a day of sertraline. That dose was upped to 100 mg a day in February 2017. In August 2017, I attempted suicide and sent 10 days in the mental hospital where I was prescribed 7.5 mg a day of Abilify.
Before I got on the medication, I was often angry, short-tempered, and surly. Now, on the medication, I have symptoms more stereotypical of depression... feeling worthless, like a failure, like I just want to give up.
I am starting to think that I would be better off without the medication and just being a grumpy asshole again. I am seeing my psychiatrist on Friday morning (I spent all day in bed today) to talk to her about it, but I was hoping that someone could tell me about their experiences... just looking for some food for thought, tbh.
Thanks!
|
self.depression
|
Just for my own personal sanity, how many people are completely isolated and have 0 social life or friends they talk to on a regular basis ? ... cause same [removed]
|
self.depression
|
stop telling people their sexual orientation makes them a bigot [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
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