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Good gods I’m too depressed.
I think I’m ready to throw in the towel.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My mom had an affair with her boss for a decade and when they broke up she got demoted. My mom had an ongoing affair with her boss for nearly a decade. They worked very closely together for many, many years.
For a very long time, she sincerely thought he was going to leave his wife to be with her. Eventually she finally realized he was never going to leave his wife. She gave him many ultimatums, telling him outright, you need to tell your wife on [insert date here] that you are leaving her. He never told his wife a single thing. So she broke up with him.
Shortly after that, she got demoted. Her at-the-time boss is now the CEO of the company. She has said she feels "put out to pasture".
It just sucks to think about this man who, in my opinion, victimized my Mom. They began their relationship when she was very new to the company and he had already been there for 20+ years. (to be fair they are around the same age)
--
I know for a FACT that she could sue this company and make an extremely easy case of it, not just for the secret-relationship thing, but for a lot of other things too lol.
What could I say to her to maybe take legal action?
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self.offmychest
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Is it likely my antidepressant isn't working as well anymore? Long time lurker...
I've been on Lexapro for six months (tried stopping in the middle and had to restart because my anxiety was so horrible in the two weeks I weaned off) and I feel as though it's starting to... not work... anymore? I had trouble getting to sleep last night because I was plagued by anxious thoughts and fears and required deep breathing to finally drift off. Today, I was so anxious during an eight hour lecture course that I had to take a Xanax within the first two hours when I haven't needed one in months. Even simple things like looking at a photo of my boyfriend or checking my heart rate have for some reason triggered anxiety. My next psychiatry appointment isn't for another month and I'm nervous that this is something that will slowly get worse.
TL;DR - feel like my Lexapro isn't working anymore after a few months of being on, does anyone else feel like this happened to them?
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self.Anxiety
|
Today, I confronted a problem head on, by myself, and it made me feel like shit. Normally, whenever a problem arises, I'll put off solving it or try and get someone to help me fix it. Today one of my cats had blood in her urine and I immediately freaked out. If there's anything that I care about, it's my cats. They always put me into protective mama-bear mode. I know how dangerous that symptom is because it's either a sign of kidney problems or urinary tract issues, pretty dangerous stuff for a cat. I called up a vet and managed to get an appointment in the evening. Problem is, I don't have a car, or even a license, and the vet's office is 45 minutes away by bus. All my relatives and friends who would normally be able to drive me are either too far away or busy with work, so I just suck it up and borrow a carrier from a neighbor who I was lucky enough to run into after going on a wild goose chase through my town, trying to find a place that sells 'em, then got on the bus.
The exam goes well enough, though the vet is a bit clinical. The kicker comes when I need to pay the bill, because of COURSE I don't have pet insurance. I had figured, hey, I recently got some money for my birthday so I figure I'd be able to pay for it. Nope! Didn't even have a fifth of the sum needed. I figured I could pay in installments but nope! Direct payment only! So after a bit of back and forth, I managed to get the price down by removing the urine test they were supposed to run (The one they'd need to figure out the specifics of my cat's medical issues!) and then I had to shamefully call my SO and ask her to wire me the rest of the money needed for the payment. That girl should be sanctified for putting up with me.
After that whole ordeal, I have to hold back tears as my cat yowls miserably in her carrier on the way to the bus stop, then stand there feeling her shiver so hard the carrier's shaking, because this is November in fucking Sweden! All the while I'm feeling the anxiety of whether or not the bus will even stop for me, because it's dark, and we're at a bend.
Finally I get home and my cat immediately dives under the bed as soon as I let her out of the carrier. She's covered in clear spit-vomit. Her sister won't leave her side and I feel like the worst fucking cat-owner in the entire world.
Fuck. Everything.
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self.depression
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It feels impossible to move on without her About 3 months ago me and my girlfriend at the time made the decision to breakup I feel so empty we haven't had contact other then her messaging me happy birthday which I didn't respond to but I can't seem to get motavied to move on in life I feel completely lost and empty and all alone I really don't wanna just try to ignore it anymore I need to figure what to do I miss how she motavied me to be better and now I'm left alone with no one to help me I know the relationship wasn't good she wasn't a good person to me but the thought of having someone is all I cared for at the time and I find myself wanting that again I don't know my next move here
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self.depression
|
I am going to kill myself on December 9th I feel so relieved, honestly, to finally feel like I know what's next.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't continue with my mental suffering forever It will come to a time when I will give up, but I'm afraid of the unknown I want to suicide but damn i'm like trapped I tried everything nothing helped? what is next?
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self.SuicideWatch
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It's one of those days when I'm like, man, I need to lie down. Except that I'm already lying down... I wish I could have stored up a bit of hypo energy for future use.
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self.bipolar
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all i need is something to cut the screen out of my dorm window so i can jump [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need advice on whether or not to stop meds Hey,
So i was taking different meds since 2014, i have PTSD and finally sought help for it. After finally finding the meds that worked right (first welbutrin, then latuda) ive finally decided to stop taking them. This might seem "crazy" but just hear me out.
Ive been healthy for so long, i had forgotten about my mental illness. I forgot what it was like to live with this. But going from being healthy and back into the grind, i have to say i realize now whats wrong.
People.
I think that, in a vacuum, thered be no need for meds. I have to take them inorder to deal with people. With their meaness. Their viciousness. Their animosity towards helping me no matter how much i help them. I've done some social experimenting, and realized that the medications simply helped me look past peoples bullshit, their lies, their overall ugliness.
Let it be known, the meds were fucking up my life. I was becoming a... Well... A bitch. I had gotten into a semi abusive relationship where the girl slowly took control of me. I knew it, but i wasnt bothered. My self defense mechanisms were off due to the meds. This situation was happening all over my life, friends and family started fighting against each other to control me. They smelled the weakness.
This was the most serious side effect, being able to be my soft kind loving self w.o fearing the consequences of being taken advantage of. It was infuriating me that i couldnt get mad at people when i should have. That i let the abuse play out for that long.
But now im all depressed lonely sad and etc again. And i just really dont know what to do. I dont want to depend on medication for ever. I mean what if there was some emergency where i couldnt get any?? There has to be another way around this
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self.depression
|
Effexor withdrawal .. again First day TOTALLY off effexor was yesterday. I could barely get out of bed today. I’m exhausted. Weak. My body feels immensely uncomfortable. I feel so so so horrible.
Today I am taking about 1/4 my lowest dose to combat the terrible withdrawal. I also decided to take 10mg Prozac daily to help. I’m doing this all on my own (I had a terrible doctor and I need to get a new one after getting rid of him).
If it’s still really bad, I’ll go to an Urgent Care clinic tomorrow. Or see if my PCP can fit me in (she’s new to me, never before seen...)
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self.bipolar
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Not Certain of why I am still existing (Vent) I should've killed myself months ago, That would have been closer to ideal death. Now I am stuck not really enjoying life, just existing. I have been suicidal for over a year, not driven by rashness but logic, the world is just incredibly disappointing, and I have little reason to stick around. Death is a cost all things pay, even the stars die. This world isn't worth progressing in and I have no real stakes in it. If things don't change I will settle for a less than ideal death.
*Will probably delete later
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feel like I lost myself This past year has just been really hard. I started as a straight A student and am now failing all my classes. No one likes me, the only people who are around me are only in it for my money. At my job I know everyone hates me, I'm not exaggerating or anything its just a common fact. I nearly overdosed on cocaine. I got caught up in prostitution, and drug production. I've last track of all my friends. Now all I'm surrounded by are people who just want to use me. I let them because I don't have anyone else. I don't know how to escape it all. This week I'm getting a draco. I just feel so lost in this mess, and I don't have anyone to turn to. My family kicked me out when I was 14, this gang has been the only thing there for me over the years. If I leave I'm leaving the only people that have been there for me over the years. Who bailed me out of jail. Who took care of me when I OD'ed, but I know theyre only there cause I bring in the digits. Everything feels so blurry. I'm going to turn the draco on myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depression is getting the better of me this holiday season I don't even know if this fits here. I just needed a place to say something.
I guess I'll start with a bit of background. I (M31) live in CA, with my wife (F28) and two boys (9 and 6). I graduated from law school in June of this year. I took the Bar Exam in July, and found out three weeks ago that I didn't pass.
(This turned out to be my TL;DR right here).
I've always been a hard worker, willing to do whatever it takes to try to give my family a decent life. But I always seem to come up just short, and I feel like a lot of that has to do with my depression. I keep false starting here, I feel like this is a confession. I'm sorry to whomever is reading right now.
Trigger warnings: underage sexual abuse, suicide attempts, drug abuse,
My issues began when I was 4, and I was targeted and groomed by neighbor kids, ranging in age from 6-14, who began sexually abusing and molesting. I know kids are dumb, and do dumb things, and everybody goes through it. But this has affected the majority of my life. I was a cute kid. It didn't matter how often we moved, (Father was Air Force, we moved a lot), or where we went, there was always a new group of kids who wanted to touch me, grope me, do things to me, and have me do the same to them.
I lived with this from the ages of 4-12. Everywhere we went.
My first suicide attempt was at age 4, when I tried to tell my parents about what had been happening. They didn't believe me. I tried to hang myself with the telephone cord, and it ripped the phone off the wall. My dad beat my ass.
I love my father. He was a good guy, but a young dad. He didn't know the first thing about raising a kid, and he'd been beaten and abused by his father until he was 14, which is when my grandfather died.
More attempts were made over the years, as the sexual abuse followed me wherever we went. But it also defined my sexuality. Become ok with it, do what they want, enjoy it because it's gonna happen anyway. I became a hedonist, purposefully seeking pleasures in everything, and making sure everyone is having a good time. Because that way I won't be miserable.
12 is when my eating disorders began. I figured, If I become the fat kid, I won't be a target anymore. By the time I was 14, I had doubled my weight. At 15 I was 185 lbs. My weight continued to balloon for years. This led to a lot of self-worth and self-image issues. I hated who I was. I hated how I looked. I hated what I did, and how I thought and how I felt, but I just couldn't stop.
I couldn't ever stop.
At 14, I was diagnosed as manic/depressive, with severe swings. My highs were high (hedonism), and my lows were abysmal. 15 was when I started abusing drugs too. And doing whatever I could to fund my addictive personality. Lie, cheat, steal, turn tricks. Whatever it took to make enough to score an escape from reality.
By the time I met the girl who would become my wife, I was 275 lbs. But she saw through my masks and saw someone who had maybe a spark of worthwhileness in him. She was 3 months pregnant, and the dad had just broken up with her. Wrote a letter telling her all the reasons she'd be a bad wife and mother.
So in a sense we rescued each other.
I fell in love with the baby she was carrying. I wanted to be a dad. I wanted so bad to rescue this mom and her child, and to give them a better life than they could have on their own.
Who the fuck was I?
I was nothing. Come from nothing. There is no way I was good enough to rescue anybody.
But she wanted me.
We got married the day before her, now our, son turned 1. I've been the only dad he's ever known, and I love him with everything I am.
We had our first, and only, child together two years later. My boys are my whole world.
When our youngest son was 3, I had a major health scare. I was 315 lbs and I was suffering from my 6th case of pneumonia in 3 years. I'd been bedridden for a month, and eating shit foods all day, and one day I woke up and my legs had swollen so big that I couldn't fit them into my pants. My shoes didn't fit my feet.
I decided I needed to make a change. I began walking and moving around extra every day. I changed what I ate, and how much. I ended up getting a fitbit, and sticking to get those little green numbers every single day.
And it worked. As of today, I'm now 158 lbs. I've blown through so many goal weights and Small Victories, and changed out my wardrobe so many times (thank you thrift stores). But I'm still not where I want to be. I have more I want to lose, and tighten, and refine.
But my weight was only one aspect. My self-image and self-worth issues are still there. And now they're about the hanging flaps of skin I can't get rid of.
Add to the depression, another aspect, which is my near poverty levels of existence. I'm drowning in debt, from student loans and credit cards. It always gets to about week 2 or 3 of the month and there's no food left in the house. Which makes me feel like a shitty father and husband.
My wife and I both work full-time at the school my kids attend. Between the two of us, we bring home a total of about $5k/month. And then I work as many side jobs or work piecemeal wherever I can to try to bring in extra money. I bust my ass.
I'd been doing work as a contract administrator for a friend of mine, and that was helping ease some of our debts and actually give us money leftover at the end of the month. In October I was in talks to be brought on as full-time in-house corporate attorney for his business, with a really good starting salary. Things were looking up, and I was feeling good about my position.
Then the Bar results came in.
I didn't pass.
I missed the essay portion by 3 points to get a reread, which might have given me a higher score. My multiple choice section was terrible. I do historically poorly on multiple choice anyway, but I also only had a month to prepare from the time I graduated until I took the Bar. And because of our financial situation, I was doing self-study. I couldn't afford a bar prep course if my life depended on it.
Because I didn't pass, getting brought on to my friends company has evaporated. Money I'd planned for, counted on, disappeared. I'd felt so confident, and now... Now I just feel like a waste.
Things I was going to do for my kids, but now I can't. Things for Christmas, which is now going to be non-existent. Visiting our families. Paying down debts. Trying to improve our day-to-day and year-to-year lives. It's all gone. Its back to the barely scraping by.
My wife has been so strong for me. She encourages me, and lifts me up, even though I can see her struggling to keep it together. She's my support, and I feel so worthless that I can't give her what she deserves. What I promised her.
I was so close to being what I thought being successful meant. To being able to provide and protect my family. But it's all just out of reach, and I feel stuck. Trapped in worthlessness and like I've let them down.
Every Christmas we've had has been sparse. But this year, it's likely going to be nothing at all. I'm at my lowest point of my life, and when I look at my family... I've just made things worse for them than they would have had it without me.
I can't afford to retake the Bar. I can't afford a prep course. I can't afford the debts I have, and the debts coming due. I can't afford to take care of and provide for my family, and I am legitimately worth more dead than alive (thanks work sponsored life insurance policy).
/sigh... This is a very George Bailey moment for me.
I know this isn't your problem, if you even read this far. If you did, thank you for letting me vent. I just... I wish I could do better.
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self.offmychest
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I am scared I am so close to ending it all tonight and I don't want to. I really don't but I have no one close enough to talk to. I need someone to stop me even if I don't know them, or at least someone to send me over the edge
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self.SuicideWatch
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My birthday yesterday and my depression became much worse Hi all.
This is my first post on reddit even though I've used it for quite a long time and I haven't even made a single comment, either. The reason for that is because I've got severe cyber anxiety (scientifically discovered yet or not). Despite having many ideas and experiences to share online, the fear of being attacked, mocked, insulted or looked down prevents me every time. Like many of people here, I've also got social anxiety and depression, accompanied with a naturally boring personality, which make it nearly impossible for me to make friends and maintain relationship. In my secondary and high school, I used to have a number of close friends who valued me, wished me a happy birthday every year and even gave me small birthday presents but not anymore since I went to college and suffered from depression for the first time. I didn't contact them anymore so they probably thought I lost interest in them and let me go too, while it was just my depression which kept me from maintaining relationship in my life. Throughout these years, I've only got groupwork mates, fake friends (been bullied and stabbed in the back by them) and some regular acquaintances, all of whom don't care to be my close friends inspite of my kindness and will to be friends with them. Yesterday was my birthday and I planned to turn the internet off that day because I didn't want to stare at the truth that no one would care about me, no one would wish me a happy birthday although they all got notification of it on SNS. Today, I turned on the internet trying to trick myself that today was just another regular day, no birthday ever happened in order to hurt less but it was in vain. Like previous years, no notifications of any birthday wishes from anyone, even one college friend who treats me quite well (but he probably doesn't consider me a worthy friend, which I've felt so far).
I'm not the type to show my misfortune and vulnerability to anyone beside my parents because I'm really scared to be laughed at or attacked, it took me much of my courage to share it here for I couldn't keep it in my chest any longer. I didn't intend to make it this long at first. I have longed for someone's empathy even if it comes from a stranger on the internet because I need to feel that I'm still connected with the world, to feel that someone still considers me a human being with the need of being cared for, not an unworthy person for anyone to give a sht like I've been. Although I have wanted to take my life and nearly attempted to do it many times, I couldn't do it because I've still got my parents who love me. Maybe in the future after they've left me, I might do it but not now, so I need a reason to keep going.
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self.depression
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Guy who being aggressive trying to get money from me Last night I was walking home from dumpster diving and he spotted me. He put bootleg DVD'S in my cloth bag and DEMANDED $10 from me. I said no and still asked for money. He's getting aggressive when it comes to getting money from me. I let him follow me home and let him see where I lived. I wasn't thinking straight. He came from his house when he spotted me and I searched his address on Google and found out he's been arrested for Rape a couple weeks ago. He just got out of Jail. I confirmed it when I saw his picture on the Sex offenders site. I'm afraid if I call the cops on him he's going to do something to me.
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self.Anxiety
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"The next truck looks good to.." Afraid of my own thoughts, help me! It started months ago, I was in stationary therapy... all went better, I got to work again, my scars were healing...
And now, it's back.
Thoughts about ending my worthless life... why I am here?
I have no task in this life. I nursed my (narcissistic) mom, but I moved out in my own flat.
New cuts are there, deeper and deeper... Thoughts about jumping onto the street and to end all shit.
I have a binge-eating disorder espacially at night, wake up every two hours, and when I get some sleep, I have so terrible nightmares because of my medication, that I wake up sweating and having panicattacks.
My flat looks like shit, dirty... my cats living her own life, they are sometimes annoying me.
I should end this. Everytime it gets worse... I can't always stand up and fight. My power is gone...
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self.SuicideWatch
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I had something I really wanted to say Then my anxiety took over and I forgot. So I posted this instead. Sorry. Thanks for your time.
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self.Anxiety
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I'd love to triad with my lady, AND our friend. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Depression is coming back I don’t wanna go back into a depression, but it’s calling me. My girlfriend and my best friend are getting depressed, and my brain is fried from gaming all day. I have no energy to help them or myself. I know it won’t be long before I end up motionless on my bed listening to atlas again, feeling empty and thinking about suicide.
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self.depression
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I pretend to be so stoic about it all, but I'm barely hanging on by a thread. I'm in a situation that feels like a nightmare. My sister is insane and my dad has cancer, and I'm stuck in the middle, trying to deal with it all.
So, my sister has always had some mental issues, but over the last year or so, she's been getting worse. Her addiction to weed has been joined by an addiction to beer, and she's flying off the handle more than ever; throwing things, hitting walls, slamming doors, yelling and screaming. She's seen psychologist after psychologist, but she bullshits them into believing that she's much less of a wreck than she is. Living with her is torture; I have to walk on eggshells all the time. Say one thing wrong - even just suggesting that drinking beer with anti-anxiety pills is probably not a good idea - and she flies into a rage. I can't talk to her at all.
It was easier to handle when I had dad as backup, but two weeks ago, he woke up and couldn't use his arms. He was diagnosed with brain cancer. He has been in the hospital since then, fighting to regain the use of his arms, getting radiation treatment, needing nurses to help him do basic things like washing himself. He's depressed and frustrated, and I don't know how to help him.
Since he's been away, my sister's tantrums have escalated to a new level. I never know when she's going to do something crazy. I am - frankly - terrified. The smallest noise in the house has me jumping like a horror-movie jumpscare. I don't know how to deal with her and her episodes. It's like living with a violent, hormonal teenager.
I'm trapped in a nightmare with no means of escape. I put on a brave face for the rest of the family, but the reality is that I'm barely hanging on. I'm on my way to a mental breakdown, probably.
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self.offmychest
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How do I get rid of stress hives? I had minor hives for quite some time now, but this month it's starting become more frequent. It acts up to minor things at home like ripping tape off a cardboard box or taking a dump, and at school.
It's making me unable to do my work or do anything active, I just want it to stop. It's the second day I've been taking Zertex but I don't know if I can fix it. Does anyone have any advice for this?
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self.Anxiety
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Sorry to post twice in one day. Seeing a new counselor and need help. Tldr: what would you address in counseling if you could go/what do you address in counseling.
I am trying to come up with a list of things I want to work on/address while getting therapy. What I have so far:
1. Am I a narcissist? (I don't know if I am or if my ex-husband's constantly tearing me down to the point of flipping shit did is it or if I am just that crazy/knit picky/demanding/ etc)
2. My being manipulative. When I don't get my way I manipulate people into agreeing with me. My way or the highway.
3. How to accept myself for who I am. I've tried telling myself positive things everyday (as directed to do) but when depressed I will say something positive and then feel extreme guilt because I liked to myself. Definitely something to work on.
4. Hypersexuality - enough said.
5. Shopping addiction. It's hella expensive. I need better ways to cope with depression, stress, hypomania, rejection, self loathing, etc. New jeans will not make me love myself.
I can't think of much more at the moment because I feel relatively stable. Haven't forgotten my meds in almost two weeks. It's great. But the day I miss them I'll either be boosted up or slip down.
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self.bipolar
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When to school despite having a bad day I wanted to share a small win for me today. I'm having a bad day with my anxiety today. (literally on the verge of tears constantly) but I got out of bed, I got on that buss and now I'm sitting in a small quiet room in school, away from everyone, reading my textbooks.
I didn't say hello to anyone, didn't even look at anyone, just dropped my jacket as proof that I was present and when to a room I could close. I kept thinking "the important thing is to just get to the building, just get to the building"
I'm still having a bad anxiety day but it's a win nonetheless.
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self.Anxiety
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Why does anxiety make me believe I'm going to die soon? So, I've been suffering from anxiety now for almost two months. I've had my first attack about two months ago and since then have been dealing with managing it. One major thing about my anxiety for me is thinking that something is seriously wrong with me, I can't put my finger on it but I'm constantly worried that that I'm ill. How do I stop these obsessive thoughts and reassure myself that I'm okay?
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self.Anxiety
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There is nothing for me to do to heal anymore. [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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hey guys, its been really bad for me lately, and i was wondering about getting an emotional support animal. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Help for Loved One Hi!
I was just curious if anyone has advice for dealing with family members with depression. Like work-related depression but they can't get out of work due to a tied contract with the company. Severing it requires high payment.
Trying to be supportive but nothing seems to really be working. Family member is reluctant to be on medication and feels that psychiatric help isn't very useful.
Any stories or advice from personal experience?
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self.depression
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I only have 100.00 for the next two weeks. [UPDATE] I want to thank you for all the kind words.
Please dont offer me money.
If anything I just want a positive thought or prayer if youre religious.
Thank you
~Dan
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self.SuicideWatch
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Bupropion overdose Took 1800 mg of bupropion xl last night as a way to self harm/potentially die. How long until this stuff's out of my body? I haven't had hallucinations or seizures, so I don't think I'm in immediate danger. Just have really bad vertigo/nausea.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Making full time work work? How do you guys do it? I'm on day 4 of work and feel exhausted and discouraged. There's no Wi-Fi here so I'm killing my data usage and I can't distract myself during downtime. It would be fine if I knew people by now, but I've only met two people remotely close in age so far. It'll change when I leave training, but how do I avoid feeling burnt out? It feels really draining right now. I go home and have maybe 2 hours of free time. I guess I just need to whine about finally feeling like a real adult?
Do you have any tips to make free time more rewarding or for passing time without the internet? I kind of feel like I've entered survival mode where I'm only doing the things I have to do to get by and barely spending time living.
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self.bipolar
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How do I stop hating myself? I can't recall a time I actually liked who I am.
I hate the way I look.
I hate my average intelligence.
I hate my lack of social skills.
I'm always told that I look fine the way I am. I'm told I'm smart and have a respectable career. I'm told I just need to get myself out there and open up. It's as if they believe my opinion of myself doesn't matter. But shouldn't my own opinion of myself matter most?
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self.depression
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Seroquel and agitation Anyone who is on Seroquel or risperdal: does it help with agitation/irritability episodes? I'm currently on abilify and it's helping, but Im having problems with restlessness and sleeplessness. My doc recommended Seroquel or risperdal, but I'm worried that they wont help the horrible irritability and agitation I get.
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self.bipolar
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Literally cannot enjoy ANYTHING Going out to dinner, vacations, socializing, even watching tv--nothing gives me any pleasure. I can't seem to enjoy anything, and it's been so long since I have that I think I've forgotten how to or something. And because I can't enjoy anything, I also don't look forward to anything or really want anything at all.
It's gotten to the point that when I go out, I feel like I'm on a different planet than everyone else because I just can't understand how they're having so much fun when we're doing the same thing. I can't keep living like this...
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self.depression
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I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that we should've stayed friends... I always come here and leave without actually making a post, and I really ought to.
So here's where I'm at. I'm 19 and at University studying Animation, it's a great course in a great place and I'm really happy to be doing what I love. I found this course and this University through my now girlfriend, back when we were just buddies on an Arts Foundation together with our friends from back home. Fast forward to now and we're both on separate courses at this Uni both far from home, living on the same Uni accommodation (not the same building/flat though so don't worry too much!) And we're both loving it.
But to tell the truth, I'm feeling kind of smothered. When we were both friends back home and just goofing around with our other buddies on Foundation it was fantastic! I want it back! I really do just feel like I'm not cut out for relationships. I fucking suck at them. This will be my 2nd, maybe 3rd real relationship, and I kind of am getting burnt out on the whole idea of it. I can't cope with affection at nearly any level because if I'm not either matching it, or topping it, I feel like a fucking villain or something. The truth is we were closer when we were friends than we are as partners!! But that's maybe just my perspective.
It's gotten to the point now where I just don't know what to do, I know I can't stay with her because it's not fair if she's 100% into this, and I'm barely scraping 50%.
I'd like to be her friend again, but I guess I'm scared that that's just a line from the movies, and that it never actually happens...
She loves me though, and has explicitly said this. I'm ashamed to say all I could muster in response was something along the lines of "y-you too!"
Like the title says, I don't know how to go about this. I think I know how it will sound if I sit her down and say "don't you think it was great when we were friends, don't you miss it?", she'll almost definitely say, "What, no?"
The idea of even PROPOSING this kind of talk with her turns my stomach into mush to be honest. She's a very nervy person who loves me very much, and I've let her down, and I can't stomach the image of me even texting or calling her to set up a meeting.
She wouldn't respond well to anything along the lines of "Can we talk?"
I just seriously need this. I know how I sound, like a total cockmuncher dickface asshole but, It's seriously exhausting me. I'm overworked and my brain doesn't ever switch off these days. I'm at Uni working and when I'm at home I'm feeling like the bad guy in my own life. I genuinely don't think she even thinks this relationship is any level of turmoil as well, I've been cold and distant, and she hasn't said a thing, she's her usual chipper self and that's making it so damn hard to even mull this over in my head.
Please help, I'm sorry this was long, but even if you're advice includes you telling me I'm a dick, I'll still take your advice at this point...
Thanks
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self.offmychest
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Hi all, is it okay to feel depressed and happy at the same time? Hi, I am a dude from a stupid place in the world and my first language is not english, so forgive any syntactical and grammatical errors please, I'll do my best to keep it clean.
In 20 years I have never really fallen in love with someone. You can actually distinguish two major kinds of love, in my opinion.
The first one is about the people you care about, like family and friends, the second one has the romantic nuance imprinted inside.
I really love my few friends and my family, and I think they love me too. But I was always shy and introvert and to put it bluntly, I was (or at least felt like) alone for most of my life. The fact that I basically lost my chance to be serious in the right situations because I spent most of my time being humble and ironic about myself to the point of self-humiliation, didn't help either.
I can't ask for help if it all looks so cringe and stupid to me and if I can't even be serious when I try to do it.
But anyway, because I was introvert and mostly a geek guy I loved being on the internet and losing myself in dreams while listening to music with my earphones. I had pretty big problems with a hiss in my right ear for like 3 years because of that, and during those years I really REALLY thought about killing myself, for 7 times and a half.
So yea I wanted to kill myself to make the hiss go away, I was basically a worm and I couldn't even sleep during the nights, it was driving me completely mad. During this time I had to cope with the hiss and make it look normal, but my parents quickly noticed and did their best to help me, visiting hospitals, experts and so on. It turns out I could do basically nothing and my hiss slowly got away all by itself. I was like hoping every day, wishing to die from an act of God or getting a miraculous help from above. The latter happened but it didn't stop me from feeling depressed and anxious.
During those years I really loved philosophy and I started to come in contact with Arthur Schopenhauer. I convinced (and I still think this way) that love is just nature's trick, to simplify the gist of the question.
During my high school years, I never fell in love and I already planned to be a nihilistic and cynical person for the rest of my life (so edgy and cringe Jesus Christ), trying to write the worst possible philosophical book (still cringy as fuck), to eradicate every chance of hope from the reader, and then kill myself. It was more of an inside joke I had with my inner self but yea I was really edgy during that time.
Now I am 20, I am studying philosophy at university and I actually fell in love with someone. Moreover, because of 2 specific professors, I learned to overcome my anxious attitude and my suicidal thoughts. They made me appreciate life without even knowing about my issues since there's no way I can talk to someone about all of this.
Also, I can't really express what it feels like to love someone because I don't think words can possess such a deep meaning to convey what I'd like to say. So let me just say that I fell REALLY in love with a girl. It's kinda ironic because I met her online in a telegram chat.
Idk why and when I started to love her. Let me just say that she's way younger than me (not like it really matters to me), when I see her I don't see a fuckable human being (not like it didn't cross my mind, I would be a liar) but all I actually want is to be with her for the rest of my life. Because of that, i am actually finding the force to be serious for the first time in ages, like writing this post for example and asking for help about this relationship to my sister and my flatmates.
My mind stopped working because I was (and still am) really embarrassed by my own thoughts, nature's trick my ass this is way too real Arthur.
Now I am like really really depressed because I am madly in love with her and I just want to go to her (we chat in private, and I added her on Facebook and Instagram, heck I don't even use Instagram but I started to just to get her likes), and hug the fuck out of her (I mean it sounds creepy but in reality it should be cute and hilarious at the same time).
She is like 400 Km from my home but I plan to go see her in January and try to confess my feelings to her.
There's a ton of other shit I'd like to add but I don't really have that much energy, I am sorry. I just don't want to sound like a creepy dude, I am genuinely in love with her (at least that's the best word I can use to describe my struggle to stop thinking about her for more than a bunch of hours), talking to her feels so nice because she's so grown up, mentally speaking. I assure you, she doesn't look young, at all! And she is so cute. It makes my heart ache not being younger and physically closer to her.
But nevertheless, I still feel incredibly sad. I'm probably gonna confess my love but if she rejects me I don't know if I'm gonna be able to survive. And that fear is like haunting me since the very first time I planned to confess.
I can't even enjoy being in love.
So I am actually in love with her, and yet I am pretty depressed that I can't stop thinking about her possible rejection. I don't know it feels so absurd, the whole situation I mean.
I still feel incredibly sad and I don't know what to do. If she rejects me I am probably gonna drop out of uni and be a miserable piece of shit for the rest of my days. I would have LOVED to not fall in love.
Thinking about ending my life if that happens is almost covering my love sentiment for her. I can't stop thinking about the worst case scenario and repeatedly feeling sad. I just want to be with her :\
Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to take it off my chest, I am fine even if no one will ever read it. I completely understand you and I would probably do the same. Seriously, fuck me.
I hope I didn't do too many errors.
I also hope my post is not cringy, stupid or out of place. I thought this would have been the best place to throw it.
Sorry mods if that's not the case, feel free to remove it.
Have a good day.
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self.depression
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Today i finally started to think about ways to do it... [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to be strong I lost my dad when was 12 lost my sister when was 20 and my mom when 26. Now we are only 3 left in the family one of my sisters is married have her own family to deal with, my other sister who I live with happens to have a different work and rest day schedule with mine, so 22 hours of my day im by myself.
I am broken but as the only man in the family I have to look like that im doing well. It is hard when your drowning in your own tears but you have to cover it up with a big smile
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self.depression
|
My therapist bumped my initial appointment until next week. It's been two months after a traumatic event. I had a panic attack last friday that really shook me up and since then anxiety has followed me like a shadow throughout everything I do. I've never felt this way in my entire life, the thoughts that plague me are scary, my dreams are scary. I woke up last night at 3 am just shaking uncontrollably in my bed, after going through a guided meditation video on youtube I was finally able to go to sleep again.
This past week has been extremely difficult. I've been too anxious to eat, to sleep, to fuck. I realized I needed help. I couldn't do this alone. Tomorrow is my 24th birthday, when I should be enjoying myself and gorging on some food, I'll be going into an office to get on the path to recovery. Or so I thought.
The office called me today. "Sorry, he can't keep your appointment, he'll have to reschedule for monday." What the fuck? I am going crazy, struggling to keep it all together, I feel so desperate for answers and for help, and you just think this is like a hair appointment? I told them that absolutely wouldn't cut it. I need help and will pay out of pocket, I just need to get SOMETHING. They're going to call me back later this afternoon.
What a life
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self.Anxiety
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Post Manic Decisions - How to Love Yourself After Mania Man, this month has been really rough will self realizations. I don't know if any of you can relate. After being super manic for a few months and then having some mixed episodes it left me in the worst depression I've ever experienced this month. I've been spending a lot of time in bed and not leaving the house, sleeping a lot, suicidal (but not acting on it) basically depressed AF.
Anyway, my mind recently started having flash backs to stupid decisions and things I've don't while I've been manic. This isn't just the most recent manic episode - it's flashbacks from my entire life. I did some not so great things, made some not so great choices and went through some traumatic shit. I keep trying to meditate or do breathing exercises to let the thoughts pass. Anyway it's not going well- it's pretty much been mental torture. Physically, it makes me cry out of nowhere, have panic attacks, crazy sleep patterns, throw up and some other fun stuff.
Recently I've been feeling like a prisoner of my own mind just sitting here with my thoughts rotting my mind. It feels like my mind is trying to torture me and my body is trying everything it can do to survive. I'm stuck in mental illness purgatory.
I've been trying to hang in there. Any healthy suggestions to try to make peace with the fucked things I've done while manic? I'm always too hard on myself but some days my brain feels like it's taking over my body and I'm not driving this human vehicle anymore. The thoughts and visualizations of the past have just been haunting me.
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self.bipolar
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Feeling like you don't belong. I'm a freshman in college, a depressed fuck, a person who is handed everything to succeed, but yet. I feel so out of place, like people's lives would be better if I didn't exist. I live everyday in a shell of a human personality. It's fucking frustrating, I try and try to stop these thoughts from coming to my head.
Meditation, exercise (Used to be obese, turned skinny then to chubby cunt.) The realization just makes me read over what I'll be in the future. I'm just stuck in this limbo of caring and not. I just want to love what I never felt... I know that's edgy coming from a guy on a board of this caliber. But I honestly feel numb, I wish I could love my friends, I wish I could love a person, I just want to love myself.
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self.depression
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New psychiatrist called my diagnosis into question for a short spell and now I'm confused I got referred out of my University for mental health services and just met with my new provider yesterday morning. They asked me to describe the manic episode that got me diagnosed as Bipolar II then Bipolar I back in 2016. I told them I slept fine, which I did, and that I was taking a lot of adderall at the time.
Never have I ever had an upswing paired with sleeplessness. I *have* however, had at least upswing where my mood changed. I had lots of energy, the need to talk, lots of confidence, and wanted to do do do do, and it was not paired with drugs that could induce mania. My other upswings involved pot and alcohol, but those don't really contribute to mania. They were related, however, to time zone changes.
Furthermore, I have responded poorly to antidepressants. I still get super depressed, AND I experience a pattern where I spend a few weeks feeling okay, and then a few weeks to a month feeling incredibly depressed. Mood stabilizers seem to help but they haven't eliminated my depressive episodes.
BPD has been ruled out. I did a course of DBT and my psychologist said my behavior/cycles were more or less in sync with what he had seen before in bipolar patients. Plus I've looked over that diagnostic list more times than I'd like to admit and I just don't fit. I have stable, ongoing, healthy relationships, no fear of abandonment, little to no dissociation, no reckless behavior (I'm responsible), no feelings of emptiness, and my mood stays stable for weeks at a time.
So WTF people? The psychiatrist said that their best guess is that I'm either bipolar I or II, but I don't seem to fit perfectly into either. I can feel that they want to slap me with a BPD diagnosis because they started asking probing questions around BPD-type mood instability (hourly, daily). They can label me BPD and I'll go back to DBT for round two for all I care, but I don't want to be taken off my meds and then find out that yup, I'm fucking bipolar. Plus I just don't think it fits, and I've had three different clinicians in the past agree that I was bipolar. Who knows! I'm not an expert. Anyone have insight?
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else watch Shameless? The character Monica really helps me mellow out when I'm not feeling stable. Specifically that episode where she goes to talk to Ian.
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self.bipolar
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I don't know how to take control over my life. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Well, we broke up This has happened for 3-4 months now, but I guess I was living in denial all this time. Until I went to Facebook and saw her picture with an another guy 3-4 hours ago.
That's when, wew, everything just sank to the pit of my stomach and now I feel terrible. Everything is so terrible I don't think I can eat anything for tonight.
Guess I'll start running tomorrow.
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self.offmychest
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Depressed and cannot take it anymore. 2017 has been shit, a complete fuck off from the world to me!
I am giving a complete rundown for this year, it maybe long it may not be, thanks!
The year started with fights with my then girlfriend, she had just moved to different city for college she was 19, I was 18, A guy from our school started to hang out with her and she is easily influenced and he drove a wedge between us, having "no interest in my girlfriend" whatsoever and "only a friend always".
Come February 14th we had already broken up, it was long and dirty, I was getting super possessive about her and obsessing over her, she started lying to me, a lot about everything.... But her friend remained by her side while she lied to me, he was her only support, she didn't see that I cared for her more than her own family, still do till some extent. Extreme Anxiety and Depression starts.
we lasted for almost 4 years, long, loving and the best years of my life so far.
Mid March and they were already a couple, I couldn't believe it, it hasn't been a complete month yet, I cried my self to sleep every night for over a month with no one there for me and she had already kissed the guy 4 days before our break up! And already moved on before breaking up, it ruined the 4 years I had, like they didn't matter to her at all, I meant nothing to her.
2months pass and I have moved on to a great extent, but I still don't have anything to do in my life, My family doesn't understand it, they say they have bigger problems, Friends are a joke, there really isn't anything in my life. No more Depression and Anxiety
The only I have ever wanted than her is a PC, it's been 5 years but I haven't gotten it and I am farther away from it than ever! Nothing has gone correct for me in 1st half of 2017, I hoped it would be better, it didn't.
Months pass, it's a vacation but there isn't anything I can do, absolutely nothing, no friends to hang out with, no trips to anywhere, nothing to do at home.
August End, my college starts it's 1.5hours away from my home, that's a long way especially when my school was 10minutes away from my home, we were late admission and there was about a month left for semester to end.
My depression began here. We had to finish 4 months of work in one, attend extra lectures, and transit 3+ hours everyday, no breaks. Turns out my University has less than 2months of scattered breaks over the entire year, no vacations as such. This was crippling. I had written 700+pages of practicals and shit in a months slept less than 20 hours a week. For 30/900 marks. It was extremely depressing.
I question myself why bother, what's the point anymore? My stress and depression levels were through the charts and after careful consideration I smoked a joint for the first time in my life, the first one was near a river, a friend of mine and I went to, to relax stress from the 1 month of bullshit we endured. I was happy for the first time in a long time. It felt good.
Skip a month I wanted to smoke it again, this time alone at home at night when my parents were sleeping, I smoked the entire joint in 20mins, the high I got was fun for first 10 mins.
After that it was pure terror, As I lay there on my big empty bed, I was scared that my parents would find out, that something bad would happen, I mustered all my strength to make sure I didn't get in any trouble next morning, after that, I fell on my bed, music playing in my room, and only one thought in my head *"I want all this to end. This will all end soon. When will this end. This is scary. I want it all to end."*
Next day I woke up, and every since then that thought hasn't left my mind, it's mortifying, wanting it all to end. I assure myself my problems will soon come to an end, your life will be good, all your problems will end, then came the worse part, the thought that *it won't ever end. Your problems will never go, you're 19 now, what have you achieved in life, this is how your life will end, meaningless, you will soon die of old age full of problems, achieveing nothing.* It made me scared of losing my loved ones, of growing, of aging and it is terrifying me, the thought that I would die accomplishing nothing.
I wanna cry my eyes out, wanting something or someone in my life to mean something, I want to hug someone so hard their ribcage crack and never let them go. I can't sleep at night anymore, these thoughts keep me awake. I can't do anything during the day as well, I procrastinate, this is really crippling me!
I need a friend to talk to, hug with, cuddle with.
I need someone to assure me it will be alright. I wanna sleep at night. I wanna go out, I wanna game, I want to enjoy my life so that I don't regret anything in my life. But it's difficult and I can't take it anymore.
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self.depression
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[18M] I'm drowning. I don't know how to explain myself to people who don't know me personally so please ask questions if you need to.
This has been the worst year of my life and I have a hard time believing that it's going to be trumped by anything else anytime soon.
The year started with my grandfather passing away to a heart attack. I didn't know him very well as he had just recently came back into our lives. He spent all the major holidays with us the year prior. I think he thought I didn't like him because I had (have?) a very closed off vibe
.
Two months later my step-dad passes away to a heart attack. He was drinking, ironically grieving the death of one of his friends. I also wasn't very close to him because I'm kind of disconnected from my mother but I knew the guy my whole life. I regretted not getting to know him better. I wasn't a son to him at all.
Two months after that my uncle passed away to a motorcycle accident. He was close. I didn't grow up with a father but my uncle... he was it. He was the glowing standard I felt a man should be. He was everything I wanted to be. A day doesn't go by where I don't miss him.
Then in maybe mid-July??? my girlfriend of two and a half years tells me she wants to go on break. I already knew at that point that she had found somebody else and she wasn't really talking to me about it. She ends up telling me through a text in August whilst I'm on vacation that it's over. I told her I was going to change my closed off attitude and a lot of stuff I hated about myself hoping that she'd give me another chance and she kind of stringed me along until the second week of September where she finally sort of closed it off permanently. She didn't give me any kind of closure and it all felt super fucking vague. She was everything to me and I still wish she was around..
I did change a lot about myself. I gave up gaming the entire time of the break, breakup and that post-breakup two weeks. I became a lot more social. I broke out of being an introverted shut-in and did so much. So fucking much. I finally made friends in real life outside of my GF, I finally started going out and doing things that didn't involve games. I tried so hard. I'm so fucking tired. I'm juggling two jobs, college, a social life, eSports clubs, and I still haven't coped with anything this year shot at me. I looked at a fish tank the other day and broke down because the last time I saw my ex was when I took her to a job interview at Petsmart. I am the epitome of the smiling dead-eyed depressed happy kid and I don't know what else I can do.
I think I tried to kill myself but I'm not sure if it counts. I was incredibly tired driving home from college and super fucking depressed thinking about everything. My hands took on a mind of their own and purposefully swerved into an oncoming car. I snapped out of it just in time but now I'm a little scared of myself.
I don't know what to do anymore.
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self.offmychest
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I'm so tired. I feel like an empty shell of a person. I have no purpose. I do nothing but hurt people and push them away even when I don't mean to.
I was prepared to kill myself last night, but my roommate caught me on the way to the bathroom and he (unknowingly) distracted me from it for a little bit. I woke up this morning wishing to god that I had just done it. I know the damage it would do to the people I care about and my family. But I am not strong enough to fight this battle anymore.
I am 27 and have had depression since I was about 17. I think what has effected it the most was having my dad pass away, when I was 13, from cancer. I never really got over it. I also have crippling anxiety, which doesn't make things any better or easier.
I have asked the doctors for years to put me on an anti-depressant and they won't do it. They tell me that the side effects aren't worth it. I had a great job that I lost because of my depression. I recently got back into school for what I have always wanted to go to school for, I studied hard last term and got straight A's, but it isn't enough. I should have been proud of myself for getting such good grades, but I wasn't. Nothing makes me happy. I pretend I am okay around other people, but when I get by myself the thoughts are so overwhelming.
The thing is, no one really cares. My family cares, sure. But they are related to me. I don't think anyone not related to me would be phased if I was here anymore or not..
I will never be good enough. Not for myself, not for anyone else. This isn't a life that I want to live.I'm so tired of feeling depressed, lonely, and tired all the time. I honestly can't do it anymore. I'm sick of fighting it. I just want to feel okay again.
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self.SuicideWatch
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TW: suicide, cancer || i'm so tired of cancer/suicide jokes [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Got a job. Thought I'd be happier. Still miserable. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Nervous Tics Does anyone else feel like they can't sit still, or maybe are twitchy? Does anyone have any advice on how to now look so nervous?
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self.Anxiety
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I've been suicidal and depressed every day for over a year, and nothing convinces me to live. WHY I'M NOT POSTING IN SUICIDE WATCH. I don't want "call this number" "god loves you" "just keep trying" and a bunch of other more shit that doesn't work on me. I haven't gone a night without wanting to kill myself (I've attempted almost 10 times) , but the only thing that's stopping me is fear of it failing or being infeasible. I take a heavy dosage of an anti-depressant, I've been admitted to the hospital, and I've gone to therapy weekly for a year. I've also reached out to friends, which mostly led to everyone leaving me and saying "I stopped loving you when you kept being depressed" (you can argue that it's a fair thing to say). My one and only friend ,who I talk to online, I've known for three years and he sets good boundaries, so our friendship is healthy and he helps me. However, when I ask him why I should live, he says "I don't know, but you just should". That just makes me think "even my only friend doesn't see anything good or potentially fulfilling about my life". Now, I do stop myself from dying because I don't want to leave my friend behind, but friends are temporary anyways. If the only thing making me want to live is a temporary pleasure (plus he lives in another continent so we can never meet). Anyways, nervous to kill myself, but I really really want to do it!
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self.depression
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I need help. Married to a bipolar. Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I need help. My husband of 15 years was diagnosed with bipolar several years ago. He takes his meds daily but his moods are all over the place. He is also an alcoholic in denial. He gets so irate and angry for the smallest things. He punches walls, breaks things and gets this manic crazy look in his eyes, it’s scary. I am just so over it. I don’t think I can keep worrying what mood he’ll have each day. We have two children and when he’s not home our house is quiet, cozy and peaceful. It’s uneasy when he’s home as none of us knows what mood we will run into. I guess my question is this, is it worth it? Is living like this worth it? He can be so sweet at times but the older we get the more selfish he gets and the manic episodes are getting worse. Just so over it..
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self.bipolar
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I feel so stupid, can someone please explain net neutrality? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I skipped getting groceries to help pay your rent and you bought meaningless bullshit. Fifty doesn't seem like quite that much but that was all I had left and it was going to go to groceries. Instead of buying groceries for myself however, I bought two of those 12 packs of ramen and that's all I ate for two weeks in order to send you the money.
I sent you the money and a day later I saw that you bought some unnecessary plushie thing that cost you around fifty dollars. I can't remember the last time I felt as horrible as I did when I saw that.
I genuinely care about you and you always took full advantage of that. *I'm tired*.
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self.offmychest
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Panic attacks and anxiety Due to some recent health scares, my mind has been racing, thinking insanely horrible thoughts as the doctors cant find anything wrong with me. But somethings amiss, and i just dont know what. As a result, lately ive been experiencing anxiety pretty much all day long, and mild panic attacks at times. Ive never had anything of the sort in my 21 years of life, so this is all so confusing and scary to me.
Today, just as i got in my car to go to work, i nearly had a mental breakdown and almost cried. I was just so scared and panicked, but got the encouragement to at least try to get to work and do what i can.
I made it through my shift! After about 30 minutes working, i still felt anxious but much better. Probably thanks to the Valium. Which made me super sleepy. But anyways, i did it.
Now that im finally home and resting, i finally feel okay for the first time in a few days. Im actually laughing. My head isn't constantly thinking about panic attacks for once, and i almost feel like myself again. Im not %100 ,but i feel much better than i have been. Just wanted to get this off my chest.
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self.offmychest
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My girlfriend just broke up with me. She was all I had, the only person I trusted, and the only person that felt like family, now I feel like I have no one, and I don't see a point in living, I'll just be lonely again.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Waiting for a train, trying to build up the courage to fall in front of it. I take a commuter train to and from work every day. For the last couple months I’ve seriously considered falling/jumping in front of it as it passes by (before it slows down to stop).
I’ve closed my eyes and almost went through with it a couple times. The only thing stopping me is a fear of pain. Also, I want it to look like an accident (like I loose my balance or trip) so that my family can get my life insurance payout.
I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this depression. It’s been 10x worse than any other episode I’ve experienced before. It will go away but then come back with a vengeance. I’ve tried meds, therapy, self help study. But I really don’t think I’m going to get through it this time.
Not looking for any encouragement or support, just wanted to express this thought, maybe it will help to write it down.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Manic from an antidepressant after just 3 days? Is it possible to happen that quickly? I was on Lamictal, wellbutrin, latuda, and just added effexor like 3 days ago. I feel like I'm getting manic...flighty ideas, overly happy, head feels too clear, zero attention span or ambition
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else get ignored in group chats? Even if I actually have something to say, that's not a stupid joke, I get no response. It feels like back in primary school when I would try to take part in a conversation and the other kids would talk over me or wait a moment after I was finished and just keep talking as if I wasn't there.
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self.depression
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How do I begin to seek treatment? Things came to a head over the holidays resulting in a line being drawn in the sand by my wife. I began some investigation to figure out what is wrong with me. My research led me to the Mayo Clinic website on Generalized Anxiety Disorder and as I read down the list of symptoms, I was genuinely surprised and relieved to find myself nodding my head as I saw myself in most all of the descriptions. Very few did not apply and as I came to realize that this is not just me and I’m not crazy, I realized I don’t know where/how to start the cure.
My question is: do I try to find a therapist on my own (and possibly jump from one to another to find one that works for me) or do I see my general practitioner first (and wind up with one that he’s associated with, and not necessarily one that works for me)?
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self.Anxiety
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Possible to have a daily good thoughts/prayer thread? I was just thinking often when I come here it would be nice to have one spot where people are struggling and just need a good thought/prayer their way for their anxiety to post to get quick feedback
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self.Anxiety
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Poem/my thoughts of anxiety If you could understand what riots went on inside my mind, you'd understand the silence, the awkwardness, the pauses as I mumble a reply
Stutters that replay over and over, the embarrassing moment of mixing up a word
Screaming nonsense, chaos of anxiety and depression that demands to be heard
These tiny fragments of my life, consume me inside, eating away any sanity I could hide
Silence feeds the anxiety, the fabricated distractions of technology bleed me dry
Because when I'm left in the dark, reality sinks in
I can't escape myself, until sentenced to death.
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self.depression
|
How to deal with anxiety that leaves a heavy feeling in your chest constantly [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Embarrassed to tell partner I self harmed during fight, please help [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Meds, Weight Gain, Weight Loss Hey guys. I am not entirely sure how much weight I gained from medication - I started out very skinny because I had unmedicated mania and was super duper into exercise (so.. not a lot of food plus huge expenditure), I also became less active and developed a stomach problem, but it was... too much. Enough to bring me up to the line between being overweight and being obese (BMI 30). Not a fan.
Anyway. I got mad, I got fed up, and I started counting calories/macros with MyFitnessPal. I highly suggest reading the quick start guide on /r/loseit if you are interested in weight loss. I'm really happy to say that even with medications (currently on lithium and saphris) I was able to lose just over 40lbs, which is 27% of my body weight, and brings me back to what I weighed for most of my life pre-medication. I will probably have to continue tracking my food because the medications mess with my hunger signals. I am ok with that. I'm a bit of a data obsessed person and I like being able to make sure I'm getting not just less food, but also good balanced nutrition.
So many of us struggle with weight gain form medication, so I feel this needs to be a topic of conversation. If you've been able to lose weight or keep it off please share what works for you!
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self.bipolar
|
I already broke my new year resolution. Not only did I sleep until 2, but I drove to Dairy Queen and spent $10 on fast food. I've also picked 2 new scabs into my face due to anxiety. I forced myself to play Skyrim for an hour, but grew bored rather quickly. I'm also returning to school tomorrow, which I fucking hate. (SPOILER) 2018 is as awful as 2017.
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self.depression
|
My roommate/best friend spends a large majority of his time with his girlfriend, and I feel lonely I've known my roommate since high school. We've been good friends for a while and both planned to find jobs in this city and move here together, and we did about a year ago. We get along extremely well. He started dating a girl not super long after we moved in. In the past few months they've gotten extremely close and he's over at her house a lot. I'd say he's here by himself maybe 2 nights a week, then here with his girlfriend sometimes another night or two, and over there all other nights.
For my job I travel most Monday to Fridays for work and I travel alone. It gets pretty lonely on the road but I manage. But it really sucks coming home to be alone. I have one other really good friend in the city, but I only get to see him sometimes and he lives with his girlfriend so he's doing stuff with her a lot. I'm recently single.
I'm trying to make new friends and stuff, but man, I really hate living alone and its starting to feel like I do. I can't exactly ask him to hang with his girlfriend a little less and me more
Oh, I should add that I like his girlfriend a lot and think she's great for him. And I enjoy hanging out with both of them together, but they like their 1 on 1 time.
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self.offmychest
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Really bad day Day after day everything just feels worse.
I'm trying to think of a reason not to take all my xanax and trazadone and maybe a few hydorcodone on top of it to make sure I don't wake up.
Can't think of one.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Help. Suicidal and considering checking into hospital Feeling more suicidal than ever before. Been contemplating checking into a hospital but dont know what to expect. I heard you're left with a massive bill once they're done with you too. I don't want to die but the anguish I'm feeling right now is unbearable.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
First Severe Panic Attack hello all,
I've only ever experienced panic attacks a few times in the past, all under the influence of alcohol or marijuana..so didn't think much of it.
This entire week, I was having a pregnancy scare. I was reading about pregnancy scares online when suddenly had a panic attack. Went to the ER out of fear.. but also took a pregnancy test. Negative. I still haven't gotten my period. but now I keep stressing and overthinking everything. I am overthinking my feelings, my emotions towards an ex, an exam I have rescheduled for Monday..and of course, having a panic attack again. I almost felt it coming on twice, once while returning to my apartment again and then this morning thinking about it again.
All the doctor do was give me half a pill and tell me it's stress but how can I cope!? I am afraid and paranoid. It's hard. What do I do?
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self.Anxiety
|
Can't Stop having the Same Thoughts Hello. Ive struggled with depression for 8 years now, since I was 16. I typically have peaks where things will seem like they are getting better, but then I plummet headfirst into another valley and find myself more depressed than ever.
I recently started medical school, and it has been a good distraction from my depression for me. Keeping busy helps, and doing well on tests gives me a brief feeling of accoplmplishment and self worth.
I've never been good at making friends. I can talk with people fine, but initiating conversation or making myself vulnerable is terrifying to me. I don't want to come across as overly interested or anything. So I am in break between class and all the other students are having conversations and laughing and I am always alone, with no one even thinking about talking to me.
Anyway, I was doing great managing, but then I got news this week that my ex-girlfriend that I still have feelings for just got a new boyfriend. And its the guy I hate and knew was trying to get with her and would deny it when I told her that.
Now, no matter what I do all I can think about is her and her new boyfriend. I just replay images of them being happy or being intimate and this wave of depression, loneliness, and hopelessness washes over me and I cant function at all. Its been like this for a week now. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions to try and keep these thoughts away? I dread going to bed at night and closing my eyes so my overactive imagination will run wild with these images that are driving me insane. Its the first thing that hits me in the morning too. Idk what to do and Im starting to have thoughts of self harm again just to ease the constant pain. I wouldnt act on these thoughts, but just the fact that they are returning is terrifying to me. Thank you for reading. I know its a lot but I couldnt bear to keep this in anymore.
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self.depression
|
What's the stupidest thing someone's said to you about your depression? I choose
"You're just not trying"
"Everyone has problems, not just you"
and
"I think you enjoy being depressed"
All from different people.
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self.depression
|
Depression and Bipolar Hey guys,
I get negative, sad, morbid thoughts that just come on randomly but then i'd be super happy later on.
Nothing interests me anymore.
One minute i'm happy, like hyper happy then the next i'll be in a bad place.
Is this depression or bipolar?
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self.depression
|
Nausea and Anxiety Does anyone else get severe nausea from their anxiety?
I have had it mildly in the past, but recently it's so severe I wake up frequently during the night. And on a similar note does anyone ever get stomach pains and dizziness coinciding with this?
Any tips? Argh screw you anxiety
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self.Anxiety
|
Is it stress, depression or burn out? Hey,
I’m a diabetic 1 with Autism. For the past 3 years i have felt constant fatigue, no motivation, sleep issues, stomach problems, bad memory and concentration issues.
I took antidepressants Cymbalta 60 mg before this during 8 months for major stress and it helped me with almost no side effects.
But after i quit antidepressants Cymbalta 60 mg ,the fatigue, no motivation, sleep issues, stomach problems and concentration issues has been persistent in my life. Now for 3 years.
No matter how much rest i get i feel tired. Even if excercise, eat healthy, do yoga and meditation.
My blood sugar levels has been up and down lately. But even if they are controlled i feel the same.
A cause could be that i have worked on a lot of projects during the past 3 years.
It went as far as that i started to get suicide thoughts. I do not feel any ups or downs in my life. Things i used to like to do isles enjoyable. I rather stay at home than being social.
I believe i have major depression and i have visited psychologist and psychiatrist who have advised me to take antidepressants.
But the question is if I’m stressed, have major depression or simply burnt out.
I certainly feel that i have a huge major depression. My OCD thought are back and i have been stuck on testing my blood sugar 10-15 times per day during the past year. Which also could bring my stress levels up. The past year has been very stressful for me work wise. But even if i get a weekend of rest i don’t feel rested. I have been to different psychiatrists and psychologist and the conclusion is either major depression or burn out.
I barely have the energy to clean my apartment anymore, wash my clothes or think about my hygiene. I feel tearful occasionally on some days.
I have thought about taking antidepressants again, particularly Cymbalta since it worked for me the first time. But i have been afraid of taking them.
Instead my psychiatrist described me brintellix (Vortioxetine), 10 mg per day for my depression.
But the question is, i’m i stressed, depressed or burnt out? Anyone have been in a similar case?
Any experiences of the antidepressants brintellix (Vortioxetine) for major depression? I’m so afraid of starting to take them, but i don’t want to feel this way of every morning waking up with no motivation for anything that the day brings me.
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self.depression
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Has anyone ever been in a partial hospitalization program or intensive outpatient program?
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self.bipolar
|
I spoke to my parents on the phone I was on the phone with my parents an hour ago after being told to speak to them about my depression that has plagued my life for so life, every since I was 12, I'm currently 18; they told me how much they hated me because I'm throwing away all my opportunities and am being lazy. I'm balling my eyes out as I type this, I have exams this week and I haven't done any studying, my life is a mess, I have nothing left to live for, please someone help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling extremely excited 've been having this problem for almost a month now. I feel extremely excited and full of adrenaline. I feel weird. Like i can go out and climb a mountain. I feel like screaming or running or punching myself and others or even vomiting.
It may not sound that bad but it is scary because i don't know what it is.
I go running everyday but it doesn't help very much. In the past month there have been instances where i would wake up in the middle of the night full of anxiety and fear and i would try to calm down. It was awful, i would tremble. I am over that now.
I stopped drinking caffeine and i do feel a little bit better, but i still can't relax. Am i going insane?
I don't know if it is anxiety.
It could be because i am doing so many things at the same time. I am working on programming in Java, Python, learning C, learning Assembly, learning Swedish, doing Robotics, exercising, studying for school, learning game design, and a lot of reading. I am a bit of a perfectionist, so when i say i study for school, i mean a lot. I want to have the best grades. Why? I don't know, i just like the idea of being in the top. And i do this every day...
I used to be bullied for being and underachiever when i was younger and i feel horrible if i don't do enough every day. I feel like i'm going to be like i used to. Lazy. I feel like i will become a useless, unworthy person.
I kind of feel better now that i am talking about this... But still what is this?! I am afraid i might be crazy...
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel like my life has hit a dead end I've been in the depressed state of mind for a *long* while now, and I've had the occasional suicide attempt. But things have been getting worse.
I recently just started high school and things were greater than I expected! I met a couple chill friends and the like. But as time went on I began losing them, and having good friends replaced with fake friends. At the moment I really have no *good* friends, and I really want to change that but 99% of my grade kinda dislikes me because I *have* gotten into a few scraps when I stood up for myself.
But what really butters my eggroll is how my parents have been acting.. They have been divorced for a while ( but haven't signed the paperwork ) and shit has always been bad, non-stop fighting, arguing, etc.
My mom recently gotten a new boyfriend, and go her and all that but she has began to tell us that she might go to her boyfriends house ( he lives outside of town ) and never come back. She talks about her boyfriend all the time, and when we ask her maybe switch to a different topic, she gets angry. It's beginning to get real fucking old and even my eighteen year old sister - who always worships my mother - told me she thinks it's abusive\toxic.
I've always had problems with abuse in my household but never told anyone except a rare close friend or a therapist.. i.e how I was emotionally manipulated and abused for a while, my parents found out abt how I use to cut and now they blame me for my eight yr old brother saying he wants to kill himself.
Another scene that really has stung me since it happened like, three years ago, is how I came out to my mother as a transgender male and was met with her completely fucking degrading me almost every night by yelling about how she can't have her daughter be trans, how it's disgusting, etc. Though my dad tells me it was my mom, and my mom says it was my dad???
I really feel like my life has hit a dead end and I don't want it to stay like this. I've tried to run away millions of times but somehow I always end up back home? I've ran away so much my mom has told me that if I ever want to try again, to tell her, and she will call foster care to pick me up so I don't create the "drama" that comes with me running away from home.
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self.depression
|
I refuse to accept anyone who says that I'm not a fucking loser for never have been in a relationship at 20. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I'm going to be alone for a long time I'm a 22 year old single guy and I feel like I'm going to be alone. I haven't had sex in 9 months and no matter what I do I just can't talk to women. My ex and I were on again off again and I really cared about her but I just didn't treat her right. I'm not an interesting person and Idk how to meet people. Idk what to do so i can actually build a bit of confidence, I live in a small town and there aren't a lot of places to go to actually hangout with people my age/ have similar interests. I've tried dating apps and the only messages I get are from bots and even if a chick does message me back they lose interest in me within a few messages. Is there anyone who can give me some advice?
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self.Anxiety
|
Im lonely but i cant talk to people and other stuff makes me depressed [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. By St.Francis of Assisi.
He also said:
"All the darkness of the world can not extinguish a single candle"
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self.bipolar
|
What Can I Do!? I'm so anxious right now and so much more recently, Like I want to break down I want to cry. My body feels weak, I dont want to feel weak anymore. How long will this last!? Last night i had a horrible anxiety attack I posted about it. Everything is tipping me off. I'm sure nothubgs wrong with me but im.worrying too much and cant stop. focusing on my breathing doesnt help because i get scared ill stop. My throat feels tight my chest feels tight my body stressed and weak. why wont it stop?
I've been taking zoloft for two years now, and it's helped tremendously. But recently changed manufacturers and pill shape changed, I noticed I was experiencing withdrawls. It caused so much anxiety within the past few weeks, (I'll explain soon.) and other people had this problem too as well. Last two nights I slept perfectly fine. but tonight it's back to the anxiousness fot some reason. Two days ago I also started taking my older pills with the regular shape rather than the "new" weird onea that effected me, and i think its started to fight the anxiety back. I was not asleep for 48 hours at one point.
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self.Anxiety
|
Just needed to let out a little This is my first time posting so Im not sure how long this will be.
Lately Ive been feeling very down and it hasnt gone away like it has before. its just a lingering cloud of like self-hate.
Usually I feel sad so that isnt something that im not familiar with, its just stronger now and ive been giving up on everything ive been doing. eating less too. i just feeling like i dont have any will do really do anything. I constantly am going through this cycle of sadness, like in the moment im always sad but when i look back i tend to think i was happier in the past than the present.
ive never even really thought of it before, i thought everyone was like this. always sad with glimpses of happiness.
honestly i cant even remember the last time i truly felt happy without feeling depressed after.
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self.depression
|
Those of you that have been hospitalized for your mental health, can you go WAY out of state for residential mental health care? [removed]
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self.depression
|
How to talk/answer to someone with heavy depression? How would you like people to talk to you? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Going to kill myself because I'm ugly I'm never going to be able to live a normal life. People make judgements about me simply because I am ugly. People call me an asshole, douchebag, /r/niceguys simply due to my appearance. If I was attractive I would not have these issues. I will never be able to even go on a date with a girl so what's the point? I'm destined to be single forever and the lack of intimacy is slowing killing me anyways so why not just end my suffering? There is no point in living as an ugly person because you are treated differently and are fed lies to try to make you feel better. People would rather cling to the notion that personality matters more than looks when that is not the case and there are many studies out there that show girls care about looks just as much as guys. I'm done being unhappy thanks to things out of my control so that's why I bought a shotgun and am going to blast my face off.
Also, I want to thank anyone who reads this. I know you're trying to be helpful by using this subreddit but sadly, there is nothing that can help me outside of maybe plastic surgery.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Broken and desperate After yet another physical assult from my boyfriend of 13 years tonight and I find myself again looking for a way out.
I have scars all over my body. I have new bruises on my face, arms and legs. I think, "Fuck him, this is the last time." But then I remember that I AM responsible for my actions, and therefore his. I shouldn't talk when he tells me not to, I don't have any right to argue with him. I am creating this and brining it on myself. I am evil for making him snap again; I brought it on myself. He hates me as much as I hate myself.
Every time I think I'm entitled to move on to 'a better life', I remember that I don't have any place and never will. No one will ever truly love or appreciate me, because there's nothing about me to love or appreciate.
I desperately want out but I'm too much of a failure to even accomplish that.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does depression and anxiety ever get better? How? I've suffered from depression and anxiety for years and I have come to believe that it never gets better.
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self.depression
|
Sophomore (19f) in college, I've missed so much class Trigger warning - Self harm depression (venting)
I've missed so many of my psychology classes. Mostly because of depression that I need a different treatment for (I'm looking for a therapist but many don't take my insurance) and I recently got really bad vertigo. The vertigo makes me nauseous, have migraines, ear aches, and I walk off balance. I couldn't drive until this week. It gets worse early in the morning and late at night. I'm supposed to go to physical therapy for it but they haven't called me in yet.
I've missed about a month and I can't drop my class. We haven't had many assignments though but I'm scared to look at my grade. I don't know if I'll fail or not and I'm too scared to talk to my professor. I did tell her about the vertigo and going to the doctor in an email but I keep the whole depression thing to myself. Most people just see it as simply being lazy. I don't even know what my major is going to be anymore, so I'm working towards nothing. I have literally no motivation and I'm sick so it's like I literally have nothing pushing me to get up for class.
I feel so worthless. I've been told my whole life that I'm just a lazy selfish piece of shit. That I just want attention, wether it be from self harm or anything else. I'm at such a low point right now. The only reason I'm alive is to protect and watch over my cat and my bf. Sometimes it feels like I'm just living for my cat.
I don't want to go back to cutting myself every day and bleeding through layers of clothing and getting blood on things without realizing it. Blood would dry to my clothes and peeling the clothes off hurt and caused the wounds to reopen. I don't want to end up dead from sepsis or suicide and leave my bf or my cat alone.
I just don't know what to do.
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self.depression
|
I have had enough i just want to drop out of college cause im sure im gonna fail most of my classes and going to school is just painful when u have no idea what's going on. I feel like im retarded when i sit in class cause everyone can oay attentiin and keep up except for me. Just need an escape
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A bipolar A poem I wrote about bipolar. Haven't had any creative expression in so long.
It's always darkest before dawn
But the dark always seems so long.
It's hard to hold onto hope
When you're at the end of your rope.
It's easy to throw up your hands and say fuck it.
This just isn't worth it.
It's easier to throw in the towel
Than to hang around for a while,
Waiting for hope to pull through
Or for the clouds to clear for you.
I need a sign to show me a direction.
I'm sitting at a crossroads like
Everything feels hopeless.
And I'm fighting to stand up.
Why am I this way?
Just the other day,
Life seemed so bright
And I wasn't so uptight.
But life is claustrophobic again.
And I miss happy me like an old friend.
Life is a journey.
And mine is rather bumpy.
How am I gonna feel when I wake up?
And how long will that feeling last?
You never fully appreciate happiness
Until you're begging for it to come back.
I'm not bipolar. I have bipolar.
Sometimes I'll love you louder
And sometimes I'll love you quiet.
But you never have to doubt it.
Trust me when I say,
I'll always find my way
When I get lost in my head.
I'm getting better all the time
With the roller coaster in my mind.
I'm learning to accept
All of my imperfections.
They're what makes me, me.
And even though it's hard sometimes,
I'm still a person worth loving.
Starting with me.
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self.bipolar
|
Benzo or daily meds? I know this is mainly a discussion for me and my doc, but just looking for some more opinions.
I’m looking to try meds to help with the transition between college and work, and for my severe social/dating anxiety. I don’t usually have problems daily going to class or anything, just during stressful school times like finals or when trying to talk to new people.
Benzos or daily meds? I’m happy to explain my anxiety more if that would help. I’m worried about getting too addicted to benzos if I take them too often, but I’m not sure if I have enough daily anxiety for that either.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Any other depressed artists here who wanna shoot the shit?
|
self.depression
|
The only cure is alcohol or suicide. So I’ve had major depression for years now and seen two therapists and have been trying meds for almost two full years now. Nothing is working. I had one med that made such a big difference but stopped working after a month. What’s left? I can’t afford anything expensive like ECT or ketamine treatment. And my doctor said there aren’t really any options left meds wise. Am I just stuck like this forever? My drinking is starting to become an everyday thing and a problem.
|
self.depression
|
Always fearing heart attack Hi. I’m a 23 yr old female.. 5”5 219lbs
So please no judgment as I tell my story. About a year ago I tried ecstasy and shortly after I developed severe panic disorder, went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack at one point. constantly anxious, Until eventually went away and I had no anxiety. When I went to the hospital they said my heart fine and it was just anxiety . No fast forward to this fall and I stupidly tried ecstasy again. And didn’t really have much anxiety after just anxiety here in there but I also suffer from seasonal depression because I live in Maine. I can’t do any drugs because they affect my mental state so much, I can’t drink because the anxiety the next day, and I can’t smoke weed Because it causes severe anxiety. On a day-to-day basis now I seem okay and I feel okay. There are some days I feel completely crazy and completely petrified. Now I know it’s my anxiety but sometimes you can’t always convince yourself that is the anxiety.
I just want to know if I’m the only one out there who fears that they gonna have a heart attack? I have an obsession with my heart and I’m dieting and changing my lifestyle so I can be healthier and I have that fear. I’ve had blood work all came back fine EKG came back fine, doctors say it is anxiety but I can’t convince myself. Sometimes I just really think I’m going to die and I just accept it. Sometimes I feel so alone because nobody around me has these problems. My question is... how can I overcome this fear that I’m going to have a heart attack? I get all these symptoms and it feels so real. But I know deep down inside I’m fine but the anxiety convinced me I’m not and that this is really it this time. Sorry for the long story.
|
self.Anxiety
|
A Busy Non-Stop weekend is about to start The semester is ending and there's a lot to get done, so the weekend is the perfect time to check things off my list. Except my weekend is starting in 2 hours with non-stop events and meetings til midnight. Tomorrow my parents are coming up and want to have lunch, but I have to get there super early because it's a football game weekend and I'm in the band. So tomorrow will be booked around 10a-6p. I'm already super overwhelmed with everything I have to do. Next week will be (should be) less chaotic, so I'm trying to hold onto that at least.
|
self.Anxiety
|
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