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I feel like I will never at over this even by trying hard I’m a man, 5’3-4 tall. I can‘t even grasp how amazing it must be to live life not being discouraged ecery single day bc of your height. I get up every morning and I hate myself. actually I dont really hate myself as a person but I truly hate the way I am, my height and the situation around it.
—
so I get up and go to the train only to be towered over by a fucking school class. these people were like what, 13 years old? at this point my day is basically ruined. I cant help it, it‘s this void that just pulls my down and drags my mood to absolute zero. then I arrive at work and I‘m by far the shortest (person!) I can find. in conferences having to stand next to other people is literal torture for me. in these situations I really want to sink into the ground. it‘s just not fun or enjoyable anymore, in fact it never was. so then when work is completed I go hime. that‘s it, my life for the last 6 years. I don‘t enjoy going outside anymore, I hate this insanely strong feeling if inadequacy. I am not just a short guy, I am THE short guy.
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believe it or not but I have not seen a man my age my height or shorter in 2018. it‘s absolutely insane and I have said it numerous times, I would have no issue with being normal short. I am not though, I feel like a freak. and I look like a freak with my small frame and my tiny arms and my slim shoulders. I hate it.
—
and I know what other people think of it. I know what women think of it, if it‘s closely related to what I think about fat women, as in, being friends is a no brainer, why not if they are nice people but sexual attraction? oh god, no. if it‘s just related to that then I am fucked. I sometimes try to comfort myself in thinking that maybe it‘s not like that, maybe other people don‘t see being short the way I see it. but that is evidently wishful thinking and I know that very well based in personal experience.
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I feel so pathetic seeing other people enjoying their lives to the fullest, having families, people who went to school with me outperforming me in every way possible. feeling comfortable in their skins. but it‘s not just that, it‘s that they dont have a reason to feel uncomfortable.
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when I walk around I feel like an outcast. I feel like other people are not even playing the same game, it‘s lile a swimming race between michael phelps and my grandmother. hell, in these meetings I feel like a different species.
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and when I compare myself to other people, to other men, it‘s so perfectly clear why no one who is not desperate would not want to date ne. there are people just as funny, just as successful but without being so incredibly short. it really hurts, seriously.
—
my youth, my childhood, everything I have done has been influenced by my height in some way. from the age of 15 when I first got rejected for it in a rather brutal way, which totally opened my eyes to double that age. college was terrible and I look back at it with lots of grief, I was anxious as fuck with good reason.
—
I don‘t have a true friend who I could share this with. I feel so pathetic and it‘s a mixture of my own failure to get my life in order and the fact that I am so short. even if I did get it in order(the best years are completely wasted at this point) I am still 5‘4. and every morning I am reminded of it, from getting up to getting to work to being at work feeling emasculated and unable to attract anyone. I am serious this is my life and this is why I have so much time for reddit. I am not proud of it, I dont mean to discourage anyone, especially young ones(which I have been accused if) but I cannot help it.
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fun fact I am also balding aggressively these days(even thiigh medication helps) and I have a small dick. do I feel like a sexual being? no, not at all. like really not at all and how could I. it‘s a fucking joke, seriously I am so mad and frustrated to be locked up in this body. it‘s like god gave everyone in life a sports car and I got a rosty bike. I honestly very deeply hate my life and have no idea where I‘m heading at, like an airplane with a passed out pilot. genetics is the worst about our existence
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self.SuicideWatch
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The everyday life Hi,
Psy background :
Major depressive disorder
General anxiety disorder
Eating disorder
Bipolar ll ?
According to my psych, all my symptoms come directly from anxiety and he is not too sure about bipolar. I was dead certain I had this disorder then changed my mind and my doc agreed to lower my mood stabilizer. I now "only" take Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Klonopin.
I am now feeling so overwhelmed with life. Each task is a mountain to climb and I can't possibly fathom doing them. I am a mother so this is even more of an issue.
I am beyond exhausted - brain fog, yawning, short memory, lack of concentration and constant fatigue. I slept about 10 hours last night and yawned all day. Felt unwell by 4 and anxious by 5.
It is clear to me that I am feeling depressed but I'm not sure why. How can I still feel this way? I am considering going med free to find myself again. But then again, before taking them I felt suicidal and loca!
What is happening?!
Thank you for listening to my rant.
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self.bipolar
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Why cant I cope with stress anymore? Ok. So its actually has getting better the resent months so sorry for clickbaiting😏. But can someone explain how to get back to the normal stress level. Cause it can be quiet depressing being so easily stressed.
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self.Anxiety
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Seroquel IR to XL Hi all. So I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, and I'm hoping he will change my Quetiapine from IR to XL (extended release). I'm not tolerating the IR formulation too well- it makes me really ravenous in the evenings which is affecting my diet, but more importantly I'm struggling to make it in to work for early mornings due to the sedative effects (I'm also sleeping close to 13 hours a night and, when I do wake up, I get a 'hangover' style effect from the Sero.). I'm on a low dose of the Seroquel, which is probably what is causing the sedation (75mg for bipolar depression), but I was wondering if any of you guys have switched to XL and how you found it? My main questions are:-
1) Is the sedation more manageable on XL and will it improve my morning 'hangovers' that I get from IR?
2) Does it make you more hungry during the day, or is it weight neutral?
My plan would be to use Seroquel 50mg XL, alongside 25mg on the IR formulation to give me a little help to sleep. Many thanks in advance!
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self.bipolar
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it was my birthday today and all my "friends" forgot i dont even know why im wasting people's time right now i just want to fucking hang myself off my roof. today was my birthday, and nobody texted me or asked me how i was doing or wished me a happy birthday. its not like people ever text me or want to talk to me anyways and i dont know why i got my hopes up that someone would waste their time trying to talk to me. the only people that knew it was my birthday was my family, and they didnt give a fuck and my parents told me to kill myself and run into traffic. im just venting at this point but i feel so empty right now. i just want to feel like im cared for or wanted. sorry for wasting your time
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self.depression
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someone tried to mug me today and i can't stop thinking about it I was on my way to work this morning, I work 60 hours a week so im usually stressed and not in a good mood in the morning. i was listing to wye oak on my iphone, and a homeless guy tried to wave me for attention on this secluded street. i just moved on like i hadnt seen him because i didnt have any change and needed to be at work very soon. well halfway down the block he's caught up to me and is tapping on my shoulder. i remove my earbuds and he's saying 'hey buddy can i use your phone quick' with this big weird grin like he's m best friend. I say no, because 1) i dont know the guy and 2) i really have to be at work soon, like in 7 minutes soon. so i just say 'no. sorry.' and he continues to follow me, yelling 'hey buddy please let me use your phone buddy.' I say no several more times. 'im going to be late for work.' I'm starting to feel real uneasy at ths point because he's walking very close to me. then he says 'you're not going to be late for work.' and i say 'yes i a-' before he slams me against the wall of the building we're walking by. he begins pushing against me with all his might, and starts reaching into all my pockets. i start shouting 'let go of me, let go of me, get off me' and all that bs, kinda worried he might resort to stabbing me. i have my hand around my phone, he grips my hand, he's giving me this really ugly look, and he smells awful, like real fecal matter. i just shout very angrily and for some reason he backs off long enough for me to fumble out into the road.
i begin walking in the center of the road searching for people nearby or a car, and fortunately one is coming. i feel ashamed, but i start running. it was very emasculating. he starts following after me, and he says 'yeah you better run.' i just shoot him an angry confused look and he turns the other way as the driver in the car is paused looking at us.
i continue to walk to work but i feel so rattled as ive never been 'mugged' before. i felt like i handled the situation like a coward. i felt violated. and i was very angry because i have very little money myself and im working all the damn time, i'm trying to be sympathetic to the homeless but i need to be on time for my job and i dont have money to replace a phone if it gets stolen. the worst of all is the event happened on a street i frequently walk down and i usually see the same homeless people frequently, so for all i know ill get into another tussle with this dick if im not on my guard all the time.
i am a very stressed and anxious person and i jsut needed to vent this and maybe if anyone knows how to handle anxiety about these types of situations. im lucky nothing bad happened but it still makes me feel like shit.
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self.Anxiety
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A brief note on my experience with medication I've never posted here and usually turned everything off and shut myself in when I felt depressed. I haven't needed to even do that much because honestly my medication has brought me up a lot. I went from having a low twice a week or more and general apathy in between to mostly thinking about how to step forward through the day and worrying far more about others' feelings.
This isn't a post to encourage people to try meds or put anyone down whose tried and decided against them. I actually want to talk about where they're failing me.
While the lows come much less frequently, they have much less of an impact. This is supposed to be fantastic, not feeling so torn apart from the inside, but instead it just feels like there's no release. There's a pit in my stomach that reminds me that I didn't overcome my apathy and feelings of worthlessness, they're just buried deeper. I still want to shut myself in and cry and think dark thoughts, but I can't pull myself away from reality anymore and the tears won't come.
I don't experience the need to escape as often or as seriously as I used to, but I've lost the option to escape, too.
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self.depression
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Why do I keep self-sabotaging? Right now, it's an actual spring day in New York, and I went outside in my backyard, came back inside, waiting for my phone to charge to take w/ me to walk around the neighborhood, but IDK why I'm on here instead of just...being outside again.
Part of me wants to give up, stay inside, not get my steps in (need 7,000 steps a day for a workplace challenge and I'm failing) and stay on here until like... midnight. (It's going for 5PM EST.)
I really don't like my job, am applying but am not getting any calls for new ones, I do nothing when I get home, I'm turning 30 next month, I wasted my 20s, I have very little friends, I look forward to sunny days on the weekends, and now I want to stay inside.
It's like agoraphobia mixed with depression and self-doubt. I'd drive if I could, but I don't have my license 'cause I'm terrible at driving.
There are so many things I want to do for myself, and to better my life, to make myself happy, and I can't bring myself to try. I always feel like I'm making the wrong move in all aspects of life.
I'm just very sad right now and I need to connect. Sorry for the rambliness of this post. How do I force myself to do what seems impossible to get to a better place?
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self.depression
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Anyone with whom marijuana used to help, then made them worse but were able to get back to the good days? I smoked a lot of weed in my teenage years and it helped immensely with my anxiety of all kinds, then as you've heard a thousand times before it turned on me by early 20's-didn't matter the environment or who I was with--full blown panic attacks, extreme anxiety just fkn Hated weed. Have smoked here and there since but I'm 27 now and I've tried every pharmaceutical drug there is among other natural alternatives and nothing helps. I'm so envious of the ppl with severe anxiety with whom weed helps so much and I need to know if it's possible to get back to that place. I know a lot of it is psychological and it's that expectation of freaking out again that causes it but anyone here who successfully "found weed again" somehow
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self.Anxiety
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I have everything in my hand to kill myself [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Trouble applying for Jobs. Do you know you need a resume to work in fast food? You need a resume to unload a truck. Since when did grunt work become professional? I have a resume on indeed to apply for these entry level, simple jobs. And it is not good enough. Do I have to earn a masters degree to flip burgers? Job applications shouldn't have to be this tough.
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self.offmychest
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Are there any Voluntary Euthanasia movements to be aware of? I want my body to be useful for something, maybe even save someone with a kidney or summn [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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"Just talk to people about your depression" Whenever i do people either don't wanna hear about it and change the subject (my boyfriend and "friends"), tell me what i want to hear so i can shut up or pretend they care out of pity.
Let's face it, a lot of people don't want that type of "negativity" in their life so this shouldn't be so surprising to me.
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self.depression
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Why is it so hard to find someone who cares? I think that if everyone here had caring friends and a loving partner, 90% of our problems would be solved.
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self.depression
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I had sex for the first time last night since we broke up You were my first partner. Before we dated, I'd barely even kissed a girl before but we gave each other our everything. We dated for over a year, and it was the time of my life, and when we decided to go our separate ways it was the hardest thing I'd ever agreed to. But where you turned to Tinder days our breakup, with several different hookups, I chose save myself for someone who truly cared again, and last night it all paid off.
I'm moving on from you.
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self.offmychest
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I've failed my family Female. Age 22. Married. My husband just got out of the military this year and I begged him to move back to my home state, so we did. It's far away from his family and where he grew up. I feel like I failed him there.
Started college at 18. Was going for a degree in economics which I loved. Would have graduated a year early. Ended up transferring and losing all of my credits, having to start over. Now I'm working on a degree in finance which I half hate. I keep on having to drop classes making me continuously push back graduation. I have failed my family.
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years now. But I'm having a hard time conceiving. The doctor keeps on having to up my meds. On top of that, I've been really sick lately. Ended up having my appendix removed and have been sick since. Missing work. I'm the only one working right now for good reasons. Now I'm afraid of not being able to make bills next month due to missing so much. I'm a failure.
I am supposed to work full time as a secretary. It is a job I hate for a man I despise. It started off great. But now I can hardly get out of bed in the morning to go. I can hardly get sleep at night because I dread the next morning. He's yelled at me for stuff I did exactly how he told me to do it. But I'm the only one working. My husband is a disabled vet getting BAH for school. I want to quit so bad, I look at other job opportunities all the time. But there's no where else I'll be making $17 an hour in this town without a degree. I don't want to be a failure anymore.
I get scared all the time. Thinking that my husband might cheat on me. I wouldn't be surprised. I most of all wouldn't blame him. If I was married to me I'd want to get away from me as much and as far as possible. I love him so much but I'm no where near attractive and I'm nothing but a failure.
I don't necessarily contemplate death or killing myself. That I would never do. But I often think how much better things would be for my family if I hadn't been born. How much better my husband's life would be. He wouldn't be stuck with me.
Edit: corrected autocorrect
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self.depression
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I Don't Like Being Me I used to be so proud of myself. I was passionate for music and art, until I realised it just wasn't good. I will die alone, and without a legacy. People don't like me. I can't like me. I try so hard in everything, I put everything I have into everything I do, but my enthusiasm just annoys others, and the product of my effort ranges from terrible to average. I've been practicing photography for ten years and my work didn't even get into the school exhibition, which wasn't difficult to get into. I practised music for eight years and I still can't read sheet music. I taught myself guitar, and I thought I was good until I realised it was my own personal, prideful bias. I still play alone, but I can't enjoy it if others can't enjoy it. Why make music when no one cares for it? Why live if no one cares about me? I've been in my room for three weeks, and the only person I've had contact with is my mum, since I live with her. All my peers are out partying and celebrating for exam break, while I just watch from the outside, through social media and things. I'm alone. I'm not special enough for people to want me. I'm not useful enough for people to care. I'm not likeable enough to even be with others. I'm so lonely. This life isn't one I like living, I don't want to be like this anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What's the use? I came so close to attempting two days ago. At least I'm pretty sure it was two days ago, the days have all been running together lately. Of course I didn't do it, and I feel like a coward for that.
These feelings seem to come in waves. First when I was 12, then 15, and the last time I was about 19. This time around is different. When I was younger they mostly centered around my self loathing, now it's complete hopelessness and is somehow more painful.
I've lost hope in so many things. In my family accepting me for who I am, or even having the courage to tell them (hint: it starts with an L and ends in a GBT). In living the life I want to live. In spending that life with the person I love. In overcoming this crippling anxiety so I really can live it. Or just in being happy at all.
My family might as well own me, but that might be the misfortune of being born as a girl into a hyper conservative southern family. They say they want me to be happy and maybe they do. But they only want me to be happy on their terms. Nothing I do fits into their ideas of what a woman, or anyone for that matter, should do.
Nothing I've ever had any passion for can get me anywhere in life. It's not as if I have much interest in any of it right now anyway. I know my family thinks my interests and college major are useless, and other people are always skeptical about whether I can be "successful" with it. But I'm so sick of the constant barrage of comments about what I should do with my life and how I'm a failure for not listening to them.
It's clear I'll never be free. I'm sick of crying every night. I'm sick of being a failure. So I say what's the use in sticking around?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Counting the hours The majority of my life I have been living under the pretense that I’m going to kill my self when I turn 18 and that will be the end of it. But of coarse I’m hours away from being 18 and I don’t particularly want to die right now but I know that if I don’t do it now I won’t have the balls to do it when my depression gets bad. Now very soon I’m going to have to make some big decisions. Later I’ll be home and I’ll be willing to talk to anyone. Anyone that can provide me some advise
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self.SuicideWatch
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What do you do when your doctor messes up your prescription? I called my doctor on Friday for a refill of my Lexapro. I pick it up today, and CVS tells me that my doctor's office fucked up the script, and gave me Ativan instead. It will be two days in a row where I haven't taken my prescription and I'm feeling pretty on edge eight. I'm not sure what to do in this kind of emergency situation because my doctor's office is closed on the weekends. I also tried calling the doctor on-call but no reply yet so far. Has this happened to anyone before? :/
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self.Anxiety
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Wish I had the balls to go through with it I've wanted out of this shit for probably a year now, but I just can't get over how it'd make my mom feel for the most part.. she doesn't really have anything left in her life besides her children, and I don't want to hurt anyone else with my irrational decision. This bullshit rat race is not at all worth it to me, but I don't want to ruin someone else's life in my decision to opt out.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How can I stop feeling anxious about new job? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Am I the only one who doesn't do anything for his future anymore? it's like I'm 100% sure that I'm gonna kill myself anyways, so I just ignore all my responsibilities
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self.depression
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ready to go I want to overdose on pills, because I don't want to hang myself nor make my body all bloody for whoever finds me, but I'm afraid that if I fail I'll be left paralyzed or disoriented because of the side effects and then I'll still be alive, depressed, and now physically ill. Thoughts?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Has Anyone had success treating their Depersonalization/Derealization symptoms? I've always had bad "brain fog," likely a result of absolutely out of control anxiety combined with taking the wrong medication for me (SNRIs) for 8 years. I recently came off my SNRI (two months now) and the withdrawal effect of derealization has been, well, unreal. I got on a mood stabilizer which has actually helped pull me back into reality and helps me focus more. I think full withdrawal from my SNRI is going to take a year. But sometimes, especially when I have high anxiety, I find myself having that semi-out of reality experience, where the person I'm talking to seems like a cartoon and things around me only seem half real and I cannot focus or think straight at all and become a little confused. Benzos can help in higher doses, but I don't want to rely on them. Anyone have any advice, be it medication based, nutrition, or therapy technique based?
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self.Anxiety
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I have a very suicidal friend. How can i talk to him? I am super worried. My friend who is 17 years old, has been through a lot in these years. His father committed suicide back in 2015, which affected him mentally.
He has been kicked out of his house with his family last month and lives with his aunt temporarily. He has been telling me that he is suicidal, last year. But after he is kicked from the house, I am pretty sure that he feels even worse.
I don't want him to suicide (obviously), what can I tell him? I am confused, whatever I want to say feels like there risk in it and that will make him closer to commit suicide.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like shit, and I don’t know what to do [deleted]
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self.depression
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Tips for hypochondriac people or situational stress? A decent amount of stress I have is health related and it can honestly be a different thing whenever my mind decides to make up something to give me stress. Any ideas on how to kind of block out or stop this way of thinking in terms of anxiety related to health/sickness.
Also, anybody got good tips for coping through a brutal week of school or long classes? Tuesday's and Thursday's are quite the fucking cunt and I have Nearly back to back class at college from 9 till 4 and it's no fun and I feel it after I'm done and dread it before each day. Which in return ruins Monday etc.
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self.Anxiety
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I fell in love with my friend, confessed it to her, now I want to leave a Christmas present with this letter before I leave the country. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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It's either going to be a train or a jump [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Today is internet friends day and I am so grateful for all of you. Seriously. Thank you for reminding me I’m never alone. Being bipolar sucks so much (understatement of the year) but having a whole community that gets it helps so much. Thank all of you for being my internet friends :)
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else not looking forward to 2018? I feel like with all that is happening in the world and this country,
I think 2018 will be disastrous and I'm seeing no other reason to think otherwise.
Anyone else think the same?
P.S:And I might die in Japan due to a NK nuke when/If get there or I get beaten to death by a hoarde of angry Japanese..yay.
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self.Anxiety
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I got fired from therapy today I told my therapist I'm still drinking. I'm having a harder time stopping than I thought I would. Today my therapist told me she couldn't see me anymore because I am still drinking. She said she is going to tell my psychiatrist I'm still drinking, and he can decide whether or not to keep seeing me. I told him yesterday I wasn't drinking, so he is going to find out I lied to him. Now I'm probably going to lose him too. It took a long time to find him, I don't think I'll be able to find another doctor. I'm on 120mg of latuda, 200mg of lamictal, 300 mg of wellbutrin and 30mg of vyvanse. How bad will it be to withdrawal from these?
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self.bipolar
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Anyone got positive tales of using Wellbutrin for their bi polar depression ? It’s probably the seventh med I’ve tried.
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self.bipolar
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I wanna fucking die for new years hahahahah fuck this godless universe and fuck this pathetic excuse of a life [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don't like Mathematics I
I used to be very good in math. Before high school I was way beyond everyone else I knew in maths. I was capable of doing the exams very fast, impressing every teacher I had. "This boy is going far. He *has a natural talent* for mathematics". My mom belived them, and so did I.
Around the equivalent for the US seventh grade here in my country, my mom enrolled me in Kumon and it made me like math even more. I used to spend most of my days doing Kumon assignments and reading about great mathematicians of the past. I advanced the levels in Kumon really fast, because I was really obsessed with Maths. The instructors and other students were astonished with my fast progress. I was learning Calculus before even entering high school.
After around a year in Kumon, the instructors recommended that I should try the national Mathematics Olympiad. I was really excited to try and decided to study a fucking lot to it. I begun a course about Advanced Math for the Olympiad in a very respected school during the weekends in another city. There I met, for the first time, people smarter than me. *A lot* smarter to be honest. I was intimidated, some of the guys were younger than me and knew much more. Some of the questions that we should try to answer during this course were very hard for me, far harder than any stuff from Kumon or my school. I couldn't even begin to try an answer. But some of the guys answered quickly, as if the questions were simple. My ego was really affected and I began to lose motivation, but my mom and teachers talked to me, saying that some of those guys were competing in those kind of things for a long time, and that some of then were children/siblings of mathematicians , who were teaching them many things. "Yeah," I thought, "They are not geniuses, they've been studying for a longer time than me." And then I began to improve. During the months there, I could actually understand some of the problems. Sometimes, my answers were really good and creative, different from everybody else. But, by the end of the course, I was nowhere near the level of the best guys.
The first phase of the Olympics was not hard. I actually did well. But the second phase... I was awful in the damn second phase. The questions were just too hard. I tried to answer like 2 questions out of 10 during around 4 hours, and I didn't come even close to the correct answer. Some weeks after, when the results came out, I discovered that I had the worse performance of the whole preparatory course. Some of the guys went to the third phase, most didn't, but I was the *worse*. Couldn't even answer one damn question.
II
Even though I was very disappointed with my Olympics results, I still managed to be the #1 in the High School entrance exams in my city. I received a lot of praise for it, but I really didn't care. My failure in the Olympics broke my motivation to study. What was the point of studying so fucking much if I can't even answer a question in the Olympics? I was sacrificing so much in life for it, and not getting anything. Fuck you, Mathematics, I'm out.
III
During my first and second year of high school, I didn't study a single thing. I made new friends, I was going to parties, drinking a lot and feeling like a real young man. My grades were still good, because I studied so fucking much before that no matter how much I didn't cared, I still knew every subject about Math and Physics of high school.
In the last year of high school, I realized that I should study more to get in a good college. My pride wouldn't let me not study and end up in a shit college, being a shame for my family. So I studied a lot again. I decided to study Mechanical Engineering, because at this point, I cared more about money then Mathematics or Physics, but they still were my best subjects. Somehow, I got accepted in the best Engineering College of my country. I was really glad that I would have another chance to prove that I was smart.
IV
As you can already imagine, I fucked up Engineering too. During my first semester, I tried my best. Studied my ass of and got mediocre grades. I was not bad at all, just mediocre. Again, there was the brillliant guys, barely studying and acing everything. They asked good questions in class, while I couldn't understand anything at all, not even to formulate a question. The same feeling after failing the Math Olympics was coming back: *I will never be as good at it as this guy, so why even try?*
V
The next semester, I promised myself that I would do better. "I will show this motherfuckers that I can be good in Calculus". I began to study really hard during the first month, trying to understand every single detail. But I realized that it was taking me too long to understand things and my focus was very low while studying. *I really didn't like studying those things*. The second month, I was studying a lot less. I decided to go to parties, play games, read some books unrealated to school and stuff like that. In the middle of the semester, I was not studying anything at all. I had zero motivation and my brain was not working anymore. If tried to study, I would stare at the book for hours without processing a single word. I couldn't process anything in class. When friends talked about homework, I would go away to not listen. I reached my limit, but still managed to get many C's and just failed one class. But the worst was still about to come.
VI
I blewed every fucking class in the third semester. Depression hit hard and I couldn't even go to parties or play games anymore. I missed a fucking ton of classes and gained some weight. I had finally realized the hard truth: I will never be as great as my idols. I used to dream about being the new Einstein. Hell, he was not a brilliant student during his time studying physics at ETH, but he was not that shit either...
I was to afraid to drop out, so I kept going, getting really shit results class after class. My colleagues lost their respect for me, and I became a joke between them, because I would ways be that guy who tries to do the last amount of effort to advance in college, being a dead weight on every group assignment. I was now the bad student, getting shitty grades and failing class after class, the kind of guy that I looked with despise back them. *I would be ashamed of my today self.*
VII
Then, I had an epiphany: **I don't like Mathematics**. Never liked it. I just loved the feeling of being the smart guy. The feeling of being good at something that most people suck at. But now, as I am obligated to face failure again, I can see it. When I read about the geniuses of the past, I never cared about the particular things they have done, but about how great their stories are. Einstein revolutionized physics while working a regular job and having children to take care of. Euler loved this stuff so much that when he lost his vision, he was actually glad because he could focus more on his work. Ramanujan had an almost divine conecction with numbers and equations. I admire their love about this, but E=MC^2 , e^(i*pi) +1= 0 and fucking taxi cab numbers bore me.
VIII
Now I'm finishing college. I have a job in finance (not IB or something like that), doing some menial job that I don't care about 50h/week, but it pays well enough. Most of the time, I don't give a fuck about being smart, important to the world or leaving a mark in history anymore. I just want to be paid a salary good enough to have a confortable life, go to the gym everyday and have nice moments with my friends and eventually build a family.
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self.offmychest
|
Do you do the tongue cup so pills don’t fall out of your mouth? I learned the hard way.
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self.bipolar
|
I knew better I have no one but me to blame for where I am.
I am carrying the load of the family, financially, I put my wife through 8 years of college and supported my family, I take care of our kids, I cook, clean, do the laundry, pick the kids up after school take them to their lessons/sports, make their lunches, take them to the doctor, do homework with the kids, yard work, along with the finance. My wife wants none of any of that except she will clean but only on Saturday.
I sleep in a separate room from my wife, because she can't stand mouth noises. She gets the master, I get the spare.
I have left numerous jobs where I was being paid well and treated right only to take jobs that pay less and have lower industry credibility for me, because my wife hates where we live and she wants a better job that pays her more. I have been in my career for 32 years and she just started hers last year, right out of college. My industry credibility has waned in recent years because I look unstable, because we move too much.
She spends money like it's burning a hole in her pocket. I have been keeping up on the bills, but have unloaded my Roth to pay off debt. I sold my motorcycle to do so, as well.
I can't speak up, as when I do, she gets defensive, gets mad at me or starts gaslighting where any issue I have with her is now her problem with me.
I can't afford to divorce her, we have young children and she is a psychologist who works with the court system. If we split I could, potentially never see my kids again. Especially, if I took a job elsewhere that paid better, which would mean a different state. She would get primary (if not sole) because of her intimate knowledge of the system and the players (as we now live in small rural community). And the courts normally give primary custody to the mother
I'm exhausted, I get up at 4am and start my chores/duties of the day and it doesn't end until, at least, 1030pm. Often I fall asleep on the couch. While she doesn't get mad, she points out that we can't communicate much, when I'm asleep on the couch.
As for a sex life, it exists, when she wants is and how she wants it (which I do enjoy). I am tired of being rejected, when I try.
I am lonely. I have no friends to speak of anymore. The ones I do have are now super successful and have lives of their own. We don't talk much, as I don't have the time. And it isn't their job to be the only one who calls.
I am in therapy for PTSD, where I was abused as a child. I am also on a non-ssri medication to help control my dark moods.
I just can't do life anymore. I am tired and lonely. I'm at the tail end of my career .at 47, I am not as desirable as a 30 something. Not to mention, my exhaustion has taken it's toll on my quality of work. I am not on top of it, like I was.
If I was gone tomorrow, my wife would be better off, as she could move on, my kids would be able to move on and not have to see a weak male role model.
They would have my massive life insurance payoff, as it has an allowable option of suicide. (I bought it for that reason). I am tired of lying to myself that things will get better. They won't. They haven't so far and I just cant see it changing.
I am done. It will now be me getting the courage and not flaking out, as I have in past attempts. This one needs to be the one.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
[23M] I'm overly critical and paranoid about my wonderful father, and I want it to stop. Hi,
I have a strange fixation that has developed slowly throughout college and is still existing now that I am out of college and living independently.
I find myself overthinking my interactions and relationship with my father. Throughout his life he travelled across the world, experienced an unimaginable amount of cultures, worked many odd jobs, and settled down with my mother to raise a family as an independent finance broker for the last 30 years. He has always loved life and has an amazingly positive attitude and treats others with respect. He was fantastic as a father - very loving, caring, and extremely supportive, and taught me values and habits I consider to be the reason for my success as a person.
For some reason, since I've grown independent of him, I can't think positive thoughts about my father or my relationship with him without also having overly critical thoughts about his level of success, over-analyzing his behavior to notice his aging, or under-evaluating his intelligence. I fucking love my Dad and I don't understand why I can't stop from having these thoughts constantly when I think about him.
I haven't been able to determine why these thoughts are happening. One theory is that I've become very ambitious and suddenly have goals that define "success" to me at this instant, and don't see my hero of a dad fulfilling these goals, but this does not feel like a full explanation for a lot of the weird thoughts I have. My impulse criticism goes farther than his career, it's permeates into over-analyzing his interactions and general behavior.
In addition I also can't stop over-analyzing my father's aging process. He is 67 going on 68, and still active and nearly as quick as he always has been, but I can't help but fixate on any tiny little tell that he is getting older.
WTF is going on?! I love my Dad, and I've spent most of my life looking up to him, recognizing the traits that make him an exceptional human with an exceptional attitude and set of values. I just want to feel that way without having all of this weird fucking negativity clouding all of my thoughts. I don't understand why I haven't been able to stop these thoughts over the last few years. I've had countless moments where I am clear-headed and am reminded of who he really is and how much I respect him, but I inevitably will start worrying and feeling anxious about this shit the next time I come home to visit.
Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Or maybe has some perspective on what might be going on?
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self.Anxiety
|
Wish I wasn't trans... I was born a female, But I identify as male. I wish I was born male...Things would be much easier for me and everyone else around me. I don't want to be trans, I don't hate trans people but I wish I didn't have overwhelming dysphoria that is so extreme, I wish I could have played with the boys when I was little without them insulting me and my childhood being so lackluster. I wish I wasn't some clownish freak in society's eyes. I hope some of you feel this way too...I feel kind of alone with this feeling everyone else in my support groups and online seems to be so happy with being trans but I don't...
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self.depression
|
(Update) Getting better. Went to see a new doctor today. Today I finally got to see a doctor. My girlfriend paid for me as I'm broken, and it was actually pretty good. Gonna tell my experience so you can say what you think on this approach. Dunno if it's allowed here, please feel free to delete this post if I break any rules; I just want to discuss what happened, because no one (neither my girlfriend, who were just pragmatic) listens.
(This may be triggering for some people. Warning)
I told him everything. I mean, I kind distrust doctor and specially therapists because, well, they're not so smart and understimate most of people. But I never lie or hide something, it's easy for me to talk.
I spoke a little bit of my "old" cocaine habits (I'm clean for 1,5 months now), to which he said "yes, you're an addicted". I replied harshly: "what part of 'I stopped' didn't you get?", to what he said "even though you're not using the substance, your life is made by its effect: small, tasteful and intense bits of happiness, followed by a strong and last-long depression because of the recklessness. That's called hypomania. Every person in the world wants to live on their hypomanias if it comes without the side effects. But the side effects are still there, even if you say to me that you don't care about them, and they stack and grow up". I did not had an answer to that, and it made me reflexive.
After a while, he said "well, if you want to recover, you need to WANT to recover. Are you ready for that?", which I replied "sure, but I don't have WILL POWER for that". He then said "good thing you're not a child anymore and you don't have to be guided by your will, but by your needs. It's a fallacy that every human being depends on their will; instead, their will depends on them". I got speechless again.
I never was so harshly beaten up. I mean, I try to racionalize everything and this guy still got me twice. Maybe I respect him for doing that. He also didn't try and diagnose me as fast as he could; he said he got an opinion, but he'd only tell me with time. I did not feel understimated, but also respected.
He prescribed me some medicine, warning me that it would make it worst at first, but eventually and with time, I'd be recovered; "there's still hope, you just don't see it".
I was closer to suicide than I thought, and today I didn't think about it. Started a routine and tomorrow will do some exercise. Things HEAL, I finally dared to see a light in the darkness. I'm almost crying of joy.
Nevertheless, I want opinions. There were some time I didn't get to a doctor, so it may be some kind of placebo; maybe tomorrow things will blur up again. Am I overreacting, like cocaine-reacting, my consult?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I had some really intense fire safety stuff as a kid that messed with me- last night we had a small fire at our house and I can't sleep. I'm 25F, and like...in elementary, from kindergarten to maybe the 4th grade, we had these intense fire safety talks at my school. I'm not in an arid region or anywhere that has concerns about wildfires.
All of these safety talks focused on having a plan in place with your family, rehearse it even. "Stay low to the ground and feel doorknobs and other surfaces with the back of your hand so you don't get burned!" It felt like it was expected that one day our houses would just burn down.
I vividly remember going to my dad one night (because he'd stay up until 3am or so) just having a moment because my family didn't have a plan incase of a fire. I wasn't even 10 and he was upset because I was so scared.
One VHS/talk from a real firefighter (i don't remember anymore) mentioned that we shouldn't hide in the bathroom and how he had found the body of a little girl in the bathtub.
Cut to now, and last night my mom left a heat lamp on outside in a goat pen, it fell, and a small fire started. Luckily, miraculously, my fiance and I caught it and my mom put it out with a hose before the fire dept got there, but still. My fiance, the best man in the world, had to go under the shed that was on fire to pull out some rabbits that were caught in a pen. I heard one screaming, and I think it had a heart attack or something... They were the only "loss" from this, one of three bunnies.
But now I'm back to worrying about the stuff I did as a kid: what about my stuff? I'm a toy collector, and I like my stuff! My sentimental stuff too! My memories in sketchbooks and old computer hardrives... My dad's guitar... What about my pets?! My bird can't just leave his cage, we can't wheel it through a flaming house! Would my cats get out okay? Would they know to run outside? Would they run away forever? What about the one who's still new and has to be let out?
We got hit by Harvey, and our only loss was my mom's cat who ran away because he's afraid of thunder. The morning after all of this, my fiance noted that all of our cats (barn and indoor) were accounted for except for one. I started freaking out bad asking him to please not say that, I don't want to think about losing another cat. Fucker was just sleeping underneath our bed.
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self.Anxiety
|
Share Your Victories Large & Small Weekly Post - 2018-04-09
As I'm sure many of you already know first-hand it can be overwhelming even to do the "little" or "normal" things in life for those with anxiety issues. It's about time every one of us bragged about our triumphs big and small in our day to day life.
This weekly post is all about sharing our victories - large and small. Because let's face it - for those of us suffering with anxiety issue it really is all about the little things. Success & victories large AND small happen all the time and these are worth sharing. Also, sometimes in sharing these moments of success, there is the added bonus of fellow Redditors - giving encouragement and hope. It helps to know that there are people actually beating this.
---
**Come chat with us!**
That's right /r/Anxiety is on both [IRC](https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/#irc://irc.snoonet.org:+6697/#anxiety) and [Discord](https://discord.gg/anxiety) were we hang out and talk about random things, or help those who are having a hard time. Tons of great people so feel free to stop on in and say hello!
-----
| [Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/index) | [Types](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/anxiety_subtypes) | [Online Resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/onlineresources) | [Community Map](https://redd.it/5ff4bn) |
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self.Anxiety
|
The Hypochondriac in me thinks I have a brain tumor. I woke up at 1am last night throwing up. I didn't have a stomach ache when I went to bed. I'm not hungry and it's been 12 hours. When I woke up the lights were on in my house. I don't remember going downstairs. My right ear keeps ringing.I know that these could all be coincidences but I'm stressing out. I want someone to talk to. Thanks.
Feel free to PM me
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self.Anxiety
|
I might have my first relationship sooner than I had thought I've been thinking about this all day and just need to get talk about it somewhere. I've been talking to this guy I met in my dorm and he's shown pretty obvious signs that he is into me. I was confused on whether or not I saw him as more than a friend and I felt the best way to handle that situation was to ask him whether or not he liked me and let him know how I was feeling so that way he knows what he's getting into and knows that I'm not trying to lead him on. He took it very well and told me he is open to a relationship or staying friends. He's leaving the decision up to me and is willing to wait.
I have a hard time opening up fully to people, and though it seems like I am open, I'm very selective in what I tell people and who I'm telling it too. When it comes to matters involving relationships I've learned that I'm pretty shy in saying how I feel (I'm 18 and have never had any romantic experiences so this is all new to me). The guy I'm talking to texted me about my confession to him and he told me that it made him extremely happy that I at one point considered him as more than a friend and reassured me that he's not annoyed at my indecisiveness. After thinking about it, I decided that the best way to finally understand how I feel about him is just to be honest with myself. With situations outside of this one I tend to ignore how I actually feel by trivializing the conflict, only looking at it logically, or coming up with excuses to ignore the bigger picture. With this guy I was refusing to acknowledge what I felt for him aside from friendship and tried to ignore his actions that suggested he liked me. I didn't tell him all of that but I did tell him that I thought being honest with myself and him will help me find out where I want us to go then sent him a text telling him that I miss him. Along with that I also sent a pretty risky text explaining how that feeling was foreign to me. My parents were in the military so after experiencing constant separation, moving, and leaving old friends behind, I've grown a habit of keeping myself emotionally distant with people to an extent since I grew up constantly loosing contact with people. I told him this to once again indirectly let him know what he was getting into and he wasn't turned away by it.
Our conversation yesterday made me happy that I was being honest with him as well as helped me understand my feeling more. While I was waiting for a train, he asked if he could talk about something that's worrying him. When I told him he could, he told me that he was worried about his body because he had never needed to stay in shape for anyone but he had put on a few more pounds and was nervous whether or not it would make a difference in how I felt about him. Appearance of course is something I look at but I told him that I consider personality more than anything. In short I basically told him all the things personality wise that caught my attention and told him I would rather him feel the need to change his body because he wants to do it, not because he's insecure about how I see him. I also reassured him that his body won't affect how I feel about him. Apparently my text made him so happy that he cried.
I can't stop re-reading that conversation and what was said afterwards. He told me that I was making him smile so much that it hurts and every text he sent gave me that tingly "butterflies in the stomach" feeling. I don't think I can wait until second semester starts to see him in person, so I'm most likely going to end up taking a train to his city and visiting him. I still want to take time with this because neither of us have dated and I don't want to start anything until I'm 100% certain with how I feel toward him. But I'm really happy where this is going, that I'm special to him, that he's so patient with me, and that I'm finally beginning to understand my feelings toward him. . It's weird to think that there's a high chance I may have my first boyfriend when I just joked about finding someone with my friends after I graduated high school. In a way it's comforting and I just want to take it slow to make sure it's really what I want before jumping into something that I end up regretting. I'm glad that he understands and is willing to wait.
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self.offmychest
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Has anyone found ways in dealing with or overcoming emotional apathy/anhedonia? I’m anxious. Understatement of the year.
Just wondered if any of you have figured out ways to overcome the inability to feel. So many times I want to just cry at how disappointing my life has become, and how I don’t think I’ll ever recover. I just want to feel sometimes. A feeling besides anxiety/apathy/or irritability.
Thanks
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self.Anxiety
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Was this a compliment or insult? "You look a lot better and nicer than the last time I saw you. Except you look like you've been crying."
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self.Anxiety
|
How do you get out of your depression? I’m having a really bad depression, I haven’t been this bad in a long ass time. Usually on average I’d rate a depression at a 5/10 and that interferes with my life. I’ve been depressed since October and it’s gotten to the point where I’d rate it an 8/10. I see no hope it will get better. Although I know realistically it will end but I don’t know if that will take a year, another month or next week. It seems like even a week is too much time to be this bad off. I can hardly do my work because my brain is so lethargic and won’t think. Then I cry all tucking day long. Now it’s beginning to affect my relationship, I’m growing really angry with my boyfriend because I feel he’s not supporting me in reality that is not true he is doing everything he can and is very kind and patient. I think I’m just angry because nothing is helping. Not only that but I find it hard to speak or engage in conversation so it’s like I’m not even there.
Here’s what I’m doing, I see a therapist every week, known her for about 5 years. I do all she says. Most of what I do is dbt. I walk almost everyday for at least 30 minutes, outside in the sunshine. I only lay in bed for nighttime. I eat healthy food. I’m limiting my drinking. What else can I do?
I see a pdoc, known him for about 6 months. Tried lamictal, didn’t work. He said a mood stabilizer probably isn’t going to help me so he want to try the anti depressant route. I take an anti psychotic and haven’t had a trace of mania for over two years so I’m not really worried. I’ve tried ssri and ssnri and those have never helped me in the past. I’ve tried Wellbutrin quite a few time and that has never helped. He put me on palamor a week ago and I feel not different. I know it’s only been a week but he didn’t seemed convinced it will help. I feel like medication offers no hope as I tried so much, especially in the anti depressant department. What drug has helped you out of depression?
I feel no hope as it seems treatment isn’t working. Please offer hope or something, I don’t know.
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self.bipolar
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Should I go to therapy? Should I get antidepressants? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Some Nights I sit at the corner of my bed, listening to the sound of the raindrops.
I can hear the squealing of the fan while my skin shivers from the cold breeze of air.
This is just one of the many nights when I am awake, far more than just eyes opened, I can feel and I either hurt or bleed.
This is just one of the many nights, when I pick up pieces of me and glue them together with a frail hope of getting an answer.
This is just of the many nights when I confront myself of the reality that I have overlooked in the morning.
And sadly, this is one of the many endless nights when I know Im lost.
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self.offmychest
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Why are people constantly getting in our way the moment we ask for help to die? [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Who am I anymore ? Do you ever feel like you don’t know who you are anymore? Before I was diagnosed I just thought of myself as a fucked up person. Know that I know I’m bipolar idk if I’m a fucked up person or if it’s just me being sick. It’s driving me crazy I wish I would of never known I was bipolar at least then I could just justify people leaving me because I’m a bad person. Now I just have this stupid illness to blame.
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self.bipolar
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Depression and Rexulti? Hi everyone, I am hoping others here may have experience with the drug Rexulti (brexpiprazole).
Three months ago I started on 1mg of rexulti to help treat my social anxiety disorder and clinical depression. I also have borderline personality disorder and am on 40mg of celexa/citalopram. Several weeks in and rexulti was making me chronically exhausted and constantly starving, so I've been lowered to a .5mg dose as of this week to see how that helps with my tiredness.
However I've noticed a sudden spike in my mood swings that I didn't have on just celexa. My fiance works part time and attends college and I've been having daily episodes where I am becoming hysterical and sobbing as soon as he leaves. These episodes come on abruptly and are all consuming, lasting up to an hour and usually recurring throughout the day. My anxiety has gone up during this period and in general my mood has become unstable. The last 4 days have been unbearably miserable. I've been feeling agonizingly alone and lost.
He's gone to school + work multiple semesters since we've been together, so this should be nothing for me to react with such extreme distress over. I have been seeing a therapist weekly and am truly trying to take her coping advice to heart and do my best, but these episodes are truly some of the lowest I've ever felt.
If anyone has taken rexulti and had a similar experience with it I'd really like to hear from you so I can try and figure things out. Since it's the newest thing I've been taking and my dose just changed I am suspecting it's contributing to my episodes.
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self.depression
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I'm so fucking talentless. Not athlethic. Not smart. Not anything. Fucking worthless.
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self.depression
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A Light in the Darkness. So much shit has been thrown at me this year, on top of my depression already hitting me extra hard...it's gotten tough to get through the days. And thats why I'm so fucking thankful for the one glimmer of happiness in this bleak world, my sweet cat Tori.
When I lived with my mom the cats were the only happy space through all the screaming and pain, I wanted that safety again. So I went to the shelter, met the sweetest cat, and took her home.
Shortly after, my life went downhill. I lost the man who I thought was the love of my life, I chased away my only friends, I was in debt and struggling to pay bills, car accident, dad nearly homeless, death of three family pets (one of them exceptionally brutal), existential crisis... just Earth shattering stuff.
Yet Tori was there for me...everyday. She made sure I got out of bed in the morning, she kept me company when I cried, she never left my side when it felt like the world was abandoning me. She is the reason I keep going. Because I want to give her a long and happy life for all the amazing things shes done for me.
I honestly dont know if I would've had the strength to keep going if not for her. So no matter how hard it gets, we need to find one thing--one beautiful thing. So that when the world is spinning and life turns upside down, you still have that something to hold on to.
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self.depression
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Recently diagnosed as Type II, and honestly… I'm not taking it all that well. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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My Daddy Died While I Held his Hand It's been a year and three months since my beloved daddy died in hospice. He died in what had been his and my mom's bedroom for 22 years. It was the same room in which he'd tended to me when I was home sick as a child; the room I saw him walk into after work, still cheerful and energetic and full of optimism.
My beloved daddy died while I held his limp, cool hand in mine, in that uncomfortable and tiny hospice bed, as I tried to memorize the lines on his face. It was the last day I'd ever see his face again, unless in pictures.
His breathing slowed and I watched his chest--the one I'd cried into so many times, now covered in a white sheet--rise and fall more and more slowly.
My daddy died one year, three months and two days ago, in his dimly light bedroom. The oxygen machine whirred away, but the tube was of no use anymore. I thought, while I clasped his cool hand, it's so dry to the touch but what does that matter now? My daddy-the person who most loved me in the world--drew in a long breath; then drew no more after.
My daddy died a year, three months, two days, and 12 hours ago. He died in his very favorite room in the entire house; the one he had painted in the softest shade of yellow, he said, to match how his beautiful life made him feel.
I should have listened when he complained how much his stomach hurt, how much his legs hurt. I should have listened when he said they found his EKG was slightly abnormal. I should have checked to see that my mom was on top of his doctor. I'm sorry Daddy-I'd give anything to have you back and healthy. I don't want to do any of this without you and I'm so sorry I let you down. We all did.
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self.offmychest
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I’m not suicidal but I feel like life isn’t really worth it, either [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I'll be ending my life tonight Long story short I'm almost 30. A virgin, not religious and just drained out. I have OCD and depression and its made it hard to have a life. The anxiety makes me not able to keep a job, I am in debt and there is just nowhere else to go. Can't get insurance to get help and I'm just tired of trying and failing. And in all honesty there might be 10 people who are legit actually sad about it. I live at home so feel like a leech and nobody here understands. I'm tired of burdening my parents so this truly is best case for everyone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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It's my birthday today And I didn't think I'd have made it this far without this sub. Thank you.
Edit: My teacher from grade school wished me, and my friends baked me a cake. I didn't expect any of this, I feel a lot more acknowledged than I do most of the year. It sucks that friends I thought were close to me didn't come over to cut the cake when I called them, but I'm trying to focus on the friends that brought cake to me. It's been a good day, thank you.
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self.depression
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Help remind me it would hurt my loved ones if I died My parents are so angry with me after so many years of treatment where nothing helped. My fiancé I just called and asked him this and he didn’t have anything to say.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Day 1 of cold turkeying Effexor,withdrawals has me f*cked [deleted]
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self.depression
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Taking pills I’m in the shower/bath right now about to start cutting myself, but all I can think about is that I should try for real to kill myself. I am unhappy and I have been for as long as I can remember. There’s a part of me that’s scared to try but a bigger part of me that’s sick and tired of living day by day only for things to never get any better.
I’m going to try and force myself to do it. Once I get out of my shower I’m going to grab a bottle of pills and just try and take them one at a time until something happens.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Gf dumped me. I have nobody else I don't have anyone to turn to. I thought I might be able to somehow get through life because of her but now I have nothing to live for. I feel like I'm going to break
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self.depression
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Fuck my life lol Just signed up for reddit like 4 mins ago so I can cry about my shitty life. I am 20 and failing the shit out of my courses at uni. I’m redoing the first year again because last year when I did it I failed hardcore. Second run around I’m letting history repeat. All I want to do is just quit even though my three courses are almost at the end. I feel like my life is quite honestly beyond worthless and aimless. I have some ideas for what I’d like to do schoolwise, but my parents are extremely dissappointed in me. I just want to feel human again, and to feel content about my life. I want to feel like I don’t let everybody down and happy to start a new day every time I wake up in the morning. The more days go by the more I just wish I wasn’t here.
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self.depression
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Stressed as ebay buyers not left feedback! Okay so this is going to sound a little nuts, but I sold some items on eBay, and the listings ended on 2nd April. One of the items the woman asked for a refund, as I missed some damage on the item. I happily refunded her, but now I'm stressed as I've still not received any feedback for the other items sent? The money was essential to the purchase of my laptop, so I no longer have the funds, and I am very stressed that they may all come back for refunds. Essentially I feel really worried that I've poorly describes something, or that someone won't be happy. I just had to get that out.
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self.Anxiety
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Audio book for interview anxiety? Hi all. Like probably most of you, I suffer daily with anxiety. One of my biggest fears is job interviews. To the extent that I have been in the same job for ten years, yes ten purely down to this reason and this reason alone, one of the most frustrating things being I received a huge national award within my first two years of being with the company so should be way way higher than I am but purely down to interviews I am not.
This morning I discussed a new position with my boss as I know I need to do it, I am 34 now and things are never going to change unless I do something. He understands my anxiety and has said we can work on likely questions over the next few weeks, this has already made me feel extremely anxious, my neck goes very tight and hot and struggle with my eyes welling up which is very embarrassing for a guy :-( any tips on that?!
It's this bad and I don't even have an interview confirmed yet! Anyway, I was wondering if anybody can recommend an audio book for interviews, preferably from an anxiety standpoint and not just aimed at somebody who has your average nerves?
Any help appreciated, thanks.
ps...please dont flood this with they are only people, imagine them naked etc, I'm a bit past that, it does nothing to help
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self.Anxiety
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Meds make anyone else really ill? Sertraline/Zoloft So my meds got upped to 100mg. The past 5 days or so I've been really struggling with horrible stomach pain that was making me cry in agony and headaches and dizziness. The doctor told me this might happen but that I needed to be upped to help me cope, but she didn't say it was going to be this horrible. It's even worse than the migraines and spacing out I had when I first started. I couldn't take it anymore and took a half dose two nights ago. It settled down but I realised I forgot to take my dose last night, and as soon as I did the terrible diarrhea and stomach pain I've had all night (It's 4am) has calmed right down.
SSRI meds suck and all of them hate me. I don't want to take them anymore. :(
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self.depression
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Presentation Anxiety So I had a class presentation today.
This was something I was panicking about this whole week, so much so that I showed my friends and coworkers my presentation just to hear their opinions on it. They all said it was pretty good so that helped me gained a bit of confidence in my Powerpoint slides. An hour before class, I also made sure to review all my notes and slides so I would have a good understanding of what I was going to say.
Class starts and I'm just waiting to be called on, anxiety flaring up every time a classmate would finish their presentation, hoping I wasn't next and that we wouldn't have time for me to present.
Alas, my name is finally called and I walk up to give my presentation. I completely lose it... My anxiety kicks in hard, and I start losing track of what I'm suppose to say and start jumping around in the slides. I quickly rush over everything, skipping a good chunk of the information I meant to present and end the presentation, in record time. A presentation that was suppose to be 15 minutes long lasted only 5 minutes.
The worst part was that my professor would usually ask students questions, but he didn't have anything to say for mine. He just called me out for "lack of motivation" and how I'm just reading off the slides and how I "show no excitement". I was the only student to receive this criticism and I felt like this incident will only make me have worse anxiety in the future. Today sucked.
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self.Anxiety
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Social hangovers Lately I've noticed that I've become somewhat more susceptible to social hangovers. Basically the result of over stimulation. It happened three times this holiday season, and the pattern seems pretty clear (I keep a journal).
Symptoms include: extreme fatigue, temporary lack or loss mental clarity, want to be left alone, upset stomach, dizziness, feeling very sick in general. It starts the day after and for me, the first day is the worst, the second better, etc.
This also makes my already high baseline anxiety that much harder to cope with :( I think the main culprit of increased social fatigue is the fact that for the first time in about six years, I'm not taking SSRIs to control my anxiety.
Does anyone else have these social hangovers?
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self.Anxiety
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I have to stop messing with my meds! Taking a double dose just added more paranoia
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self.Anxiety
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Long but i hope my experience helps anyone a little I have had the worst year of my life. I mean I've had some pretty bad years but this one I can say so far has been the worst. I live in a poverty-stricken area where jobs are as hard to come by as acceptable internet speed and most people are on disability or drugs. A quick summery of the years before this I was overseas in Seoul after college and made a lot of friends but one I fell for. I thought he was going to be the man I spend the rest of my life with only to have him say he wasn't attracted to me. All the signs were there though and now falling for someone is twice as hard as it was. I'm sure he didn't know just how much he hurt me, even if it's been 6 years… Heart broken and lost I returned home to the black hole that is my home town and tried to find a new path.
My family has always been very tight but after high school my cousin, who was practically my brother, and I lost touch. He got married and had kids, I stuck my nose in books. He had been having a hard time too. His first wife was banging another man when his actual sister walked into their house and nearly the same thing happened 6 years later with his second wife only she was banging his mother's boyfriend. Anyway; he was having a hard time too so we started hanging out and playing video games, having drinks, talking about the good times and of course smoke a bowl or two. I even bought him a secret gift and had his mom give it to him on Christmas 2 years ago. It was all the stuff he liked, rescue rangers box sets and a dinosaur bone dig, the car from Supernatural space ice cream and more. I just tried to cram an epic number of gifts in this huge box and made sure to give him a picture with a bunch of pics of us from babies to high school prom. His mom said he cried.
We had this plan that when cannabis would become legal we would convert our chicken houses into hydroponics and grow. We were going to do something together just like we did as kids. I even started to draw up the business plan and everything.
He died in April suddenly. At only 32 and healthy he mixed some medications and it stopped his heart. I can honestly say I've lost people I was close to but never anyone that wasn't sick or old. My heart has been in pieces, I wanted nothing more than to curl up and die with him. I still think about it and my therapist has helped keep me from slicing my arms open. We were two broken birds who were recovering together and then I was alone.
My cat, to whom I took with me even to Seoul had to be put down due to a kidney problem in September and I suddenly developed panic attacks and couldn't do my work from home customer service job. I was alone again. I would tell my therapist that it was like if there are infinite number of realities I got the shitty unlucky version. My family tells me about Job and how he was tested but I also feel, like Kyle from South Park, that it's a shit story. That unless things could be fixed why do all that?
Anyway… They changed my meds and the panic attacks got worse and I got to the point where I didn't leave my apartment for weeks at a time. My parents have been paying for my apartment and utilities for which I feel a great amount of guilt and I am about to move back in with them which I don't want to do. I was ready to die. My therapist advised me to go to a psychiatric ward for a week but I didn't want to. So, I did what people do when desperate, when they have nothing, not even a thread of hope, I prayed. I prayed and prayed and cried. I said just let me die or do something because I can't do this anymore. I hurt inside and out, I'm alone, useless, ugly and unlovable. Ive been told by guys that they wouldn't go out with me because I was 33 and still a virgin. "You might as well save it for your husband." What a bunch of bull shit.
I got a call from my mother that her friends had a job opening up in my home town and he wanted me to work the position. Long story short I got the job, I start Wednesday even if I feel I'm not qualified I'm going to give it my best shot. My meds got changed again and I actually feel better, I still cry easily but I don't have that constant ache like someone is gripping my heart. It's like I just smoked and there's those moments where everything is now and doesn't hurt. I wish people who are against medical marijuana couldn't understand that. It's like a breath when you've been drowning, nothing can explain it. I know cannabis got me through some of the hard times though I didn't use it every day until after my cousin's death. I stopped after I quit my job because I had no way to buy it and the suicidal thoughts got twice as bad.
I know this is a lot to write but I thought I'd share a little bit on what's happened to me in the past week as a way to let others who are in a bad situation know that when you really are at rock bottom even something small can be worth living another day for.
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self.depression
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I have everything about myself I'm 16 and the title was supposed to say "hate"... fuck, I'm useless
When I was 3 I started preschool. I've always been the girl who's always alone, but for some reason everyone really liked me in preschool, my classmates would give me flowers and tell me I'm beautiful.
When I started elementary school everything was very different. My classmates were there, but I didn't know what to do. I used to sit in the back of the classroom. Everyone had friends but I was alone. This is when everyone started to hate me. I didn't even do anything to anyone, I was always alone, I didn't talk, so why did they hate me? I don't know.
From ages 6 to 12, my classmates used to insult me everyday. They told me things like anorexic, autistic, lesbian, down, boring, stupid... They would lie about me to make people hate me. I made a friend though, and she was my best friend.
There was a girl who told me anorexic every single fucking day in elementary school. She always tried to make me guilty saying things like "the poor African boys are dying and you say you don't like [x] food?!?!?! oh my god you're such a bad person..." Someone called her fat once and she started crying, but if I had a bad reaction when she told me those things I would be a boring person who couldn't accept a joke.
I've always been a direct person, but that's because since I was a child I didn't know how to react. I didn't understand jokes because I would take everything seriously. I remember that girl told me "if you don't give me your homework (she wanted to copy), I won't invite you to my birthday!" And I just said "well that's ok because I didn't want to give you a gift anyway".
I was always with my best friend because she was my only friend. When my classmates saw me with my friend they told me I was lesbian. I mean, I didn't mind about that - that's not an insult. But it made me think about it.
I was the lonely, nerd girl who sat in the back of the classroom. I didn't want to talk, and I would get very nervous if someone talked to me. So they started calling me autist. Again, I didn't mind but it made me think.
When I started middle school (from ages 12 to 16), a lot of people from my elementary school was in my classroom. They still made fun of me.
Then, my best friend decided that it would be a good idea to talk to our classmates. I didn't want to, but I just followed her, as always. She became friends with them. After some months, she started calling one of those friends her "best friend". So I thought... "well, I'm alone. She left me because I'm the lonely, nerd girl. I understand. It's not like nobody wants to be with me anyways"
That was a really difficult moment for me. I spent first, second and third years of middle school following my "best friend". I didn't want to tell her how I felt because I though it was normal. It really hurt me to see her having fun with them in front of me. They didn't even acknowledge my existence, they always ignored me.
Everyone still called me autist, but they started calling me emo because of... the music I like? I don't know. So I was the lonely, nerd, "autist", emo girl who sat in the back of the class. Yay.
I tried to act like I didn't care about what people said about me, but that wasn't true. I really cared. I would cry at night thinking about it.
Because of this, I became really paranoid and I started looking for symptoms about mental health issues and things like those. I couldn't talk with my parents about this because I was afraid. I always got good grades, I never got in trouble and they always though I was happy, so they would think I was saying that just to miss school because I was feeling lazy. Actually, in the third year of middle school I told my mom I didn't feel good and I wasn't prepared to go to school, but she thought I was lazy...
Last year (fourth and last year of middle school), some of my classmates went to a different classroom. I finally stopped seeing a lot of them. I was happy because of that. The first day I was with my best friend looking for their friends, but she didn't see them (they were in the other classroom) and told me to just sit with her. I talked with her and told her I didn't feel good, I felt alone. To be honest, those 3 years were really hard, but I didn't care. I just wanted to talk with my best friend again. I was lucky - she felt similar and wanted to stay with me.
These years I've been feeling really bad. I thought about suicide a lot of times. Also, I always read how everyone says the only reason they don't commit suicide is because it would hurt their family. Am I the only one who thinks I'm just a burden for everyone and killing myself would make everyone happy? I never thought about feeling guilty.
If I told someone I felt this way, they would tell me things like "oh, that's nothing, I feel worse!" and brag about it like it's something to feel proud of...
Or they would tell me "wow, you're such a negative person! You should look at the beautiful things instead"
And they didn't want to be with me because I was negative. But I don't understand this. When I see someone who is having a bad time, I feel really bad myself and I try to help them even though I can't even help myself. I guess it's because I dont want anyone to feel the way I feel.
So I stopped talking about my problems and just faked a smile. Everyone thinks I'm really happy (although I'm still the "lesbian, autist", anorexic, nerd, lonely emo girl who sits in the back of the class) because of this. To be honest, I prefer it this way - nobody knows nothing about me.
I remember something. Last year I was laughing with my best friend in math class. Suddenly a guy told me "wow I hate it when you laugh"... Now I try not to laugh because I think I'm annoying people by laughing.
But this year everything is different. This year I realized I was bullied. I didn't accept it until now. I even thought that the people who made fun of me were my friends...
Now I'm a different person. I used to fake smile and pretend everything it's okay and that I didn't care, but I actually cared, I cried a lot and I couldn't sleep because my mind was busy reminding me I wasn't worth it. I remember going to class everyday tired because I didn't sleep... But now, that has changed - I don't talk about my problems, I stopped talking to a lot of people. Actually, I only talk with my best friend in real life (I'm happy to say she's been with me since elementary school although we had difficult moments in our friendship) and a friend online. I don't want to talk to other people because I'm socially awkward. Now I don't care. But I actually don't care. I can't feel anything anymore. I used to cry everyday and now I can't... I hate this because crying helps me.
Everyone still thinks I'm happy but they don't know how I feel. I don't even think about suicide anymore. I just feel... numb. I have no motivation.
At least I have music, and I love it. My classmates still call me emo because of that but as I said, I don't care. I love the music I listen to and I don't know if I would be able to stay if it wasn't because of that.
I also have my online friend. I love him. I don't think I could be here writing this post if it wasn't because of him. He's like my soulmate and I'm so thankful for having him in my life.
And this isn't everything... I was in the hospital this year (surgery) and I had morphine. I think it made me forget things, and I still forget things easily. This is frustrating but I guess I can't do anything about it. Also I hope nobody I know finds this post.
I hate everything about myself. I want to feel something, even if it's pain. I want to hurt myself. I hate everything.
I'm sorry if this is very long.
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self.depression
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My friend and teammate died and I learned this over thanksgiving dinner. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else have intense anxiety related to a fear of hell? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Having anxiety about trying to get approved for disability. Would anyone be willing to share their stories about the process? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Net neutrality is dying no matter what All of the things everyone is doing: writing, emails, phone calls, posting things online ... None of it matters
No matter what any of us do to try and get the word out or to try and get Ajit Pai or his other two conservative panel members to change their minds will change anything. They've already made their decision about what they're going to do. They're gonna vote down the party line no matter what. They don't care about what the people want no matter how much we try to make our voices heard
It's just utterly and entirely disheartening to see what they are going to do here despite what the PEOPLE want. I want to be hopeful that they'll actually change their minds, but I can't fathom any actual realistic way anything we do here or anywhere well have any positive effect other than to change things in the future at the next election
It feels like the people just don't have a voice, only Comcast and Verizon and other companies
Sigh
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self.offmychest
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I hate everyone and everything But most of all I hate myself
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self.offmychest
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La de da making up a song for this post I've been making up songs all day. I haven't slept well the last few days but I'm not tired. I'm having hurt feelings from a friend who doesn't like me much. I guess I could stop trying to get her to like me but over these 12 years all I've wanted from her is some kindness and consideration. The only thing she said to me directly was when I had psychosis for a day to go to the hospital.
I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight either because I'm not tired. I just want to be friends with everyone and it bothers me when people don't like me. If any of you don't like me because I'm annoying with my hugs please tell me! Or if I am annoying just tell me why and I can understand.
I really want to exercise the shit out of the day tomorrow but I have work and I'm going to get so much done it is going to be crazy. I'm a pudge muffin.
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self.bipolar
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Every single goddamn thing wrong in my life This is a very long jumble of text. I just feel like my whole life, things have just built on top of each other. I don't even think a single therapist has heard all of the shit I think about. I feel like everything in my life haunts me. And nobody takes it seriously because I need to hit rock bottom first. I don't seem like I need help because I have gotten okay at covering it up. But people around me know I feel this way. It just seems like I am not broken enough for help. But I am. I grew up in a family of four. My parents are immigrants. I have an older brother. He has severe autism and I think my dad expects me to take care of him after they are gone. I can barely take care of myself and I want to move out of the area which I could not with my brother. I don't know how I would hold down a job yet pay someone to take care of him and take care of myself. It means the rest of my life would be dedicated to my brother, not me. I couldn't get married. I am already scared to have kids in case they are autistic. The cultural gap in my family is hard. My mom struggling with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression while insisting on no treatment meant hell for my childhood. 7 year old me spilling a glass of milk meant I got screamed at for the rest of the day. Banshee screaming about how I am a waste of space, stupid, worthless, etc. This goes on for hours in stages. If you say anything, it starts again. My mom has threatened my dad with a knife. She refuses to take any medication. In one of her episodes, she took me and my autistic brother to a homeless shelter because she was convinced my dad was evil. My dad said he went after her as soon as he could but I think part of him wanted to just leave us there. I always prayed for the day my parents would get divorced. They were toxic for each other. My dad has severe anger issues. It just worsened throughout the course of my life. One time, he went to visit his family in India. I was seven and my mom was getting incredibly upset. She broke off a drawer in the kitchen and threatened to hit me with it, nudging it on my shoulder. I called 911 crying. The police officers came. My mom acted somewhat normal but said I was misbehaving. The drawer was on the ground, broken off. They said it was my fault because I misbehaved. They asked if my severely autistic brother was okay. And in that decision I made a choice. Because I heard what happens to people like my brother in the system. And my parents had money. She didn't hurt my brother but I realized that what my brother could potentially go through much worse in the governmental system. They asked if I had anywhere else to stay. I said no. They told me to go upstairs and lock myself there and gave me their number in case she did it again. I called my dad. All he said was "did it work? Can we try that next time she is upset?" Never asked if I was okay. I spent that weekend in fear. Just glares, snotty whispers, etc. Whenever I received less than an A, my mom would ignore me. After two days, she would start screaming. That would be a sigh of relief because it meant she would love me again by the end of the week. If she didn't, I was more worried. There were weekly arguments in my house between my parents. They would tell me to go upstairs and ignore them but I would foolishly ask them to stop. They did not care. They only cared about screaming at each other. My dad hates my mom but still cares about her. She had an abusive childhood and the alternative to her staying in our lives would be to be in a mental institution with stigma because she would be a divorced woman according to Indian society even though we live in America. My brother's autism means he can't say I love you. He wouldn't even know if I died. He has so many violent tantrums. He just hits himself repeatedly. He screams like a toddler except he's much much older. There have been so many nights in my life where I didn't sleep. All my grandparents passed away by the time I was 18 and a family friend. Those losses hit me hard. I've had anxiety for most of my life. I rarely socialized with people because my parents did not have time with me because of my brother. I was a freak. I got depression in 10th grade. My perfect record as a student was gone after that and I lost all motivation. My family in India thinks of my family as a black sheep so they all dislike me because I suffer from mental illness along with our family. They judge us but they haven't had to deal with mental illness. I mean who are they to judge. We went to India to see them, me and my father, and my uncle drunkenly said no one wanted you guys here but I convinced them to let you come. I've never felt so embarrassed in my life. We still had another week we were with them. My friend got raped when she was in college. I think she might hate me secretly. She had a girl she knew come over and they both got drunk. The other girl started puking and my friend started panicking. I told her to call two people she knew there. They didn't pick up and she said she was going to ask her neighbor across the hall for help. I didn't think twice and I said sure if you know him and you think he will help. She started calling me the next morning but I was tired of talking to her while she was drunk. She told me the next morning that she was raped by him. I've felt like scum ever since. Because I should have told her not to go. And my father had open heart surgery my senior year of high school. Just when I thought things would be going okay, I had to become an adult. I was depressed. Isolated. Barely any family came to help and I was seventeen. My uncle in the US came once a week to check in but no one was at the house full time. My mom was convinced my dad was faking and refused to help me or take responsibility. I started grocery shopping, driving my autistic brother to doctor's appointments, visiting my father at the hospital or wherever he was, I went to my part time job, and I started missing school. I would go in the morning, leave, and come back at the end of the day so it wouldn't count as an absence but an early dismissal. The attendance ladies knew me by name. My schoolwork started piling up. I couldn't see my friends because I had to be on call for my father or stay at the house for my mentally ill mother and brother. My dad had angry outbursts in public all the time but I was the one cleaning up the mess after him, convincing them he was harmless instead of a psycho. We also argue a lot. He tries to control me. He acts like he doesn't but he is slightly misyogynist. And he is unbelievably full of himself and at times displays little sympathy. He got so annoyed at me once while he was driving he hit me in the mouth while I had braces. It started bleeding so I screamed at him to take me to an ER because I was scared. He started arguing with me another day and I accidentally hit him between his eyes with a phone because I was trying to defend myself. I felt guilty hurting him and felt awful. I was just scared. I think I became sort of a monster. I started screaming and getting upset all the time. I would threaten violence or get very physical because I felt it was the only way to survive. On the day of my graduation, my dad and mom started screaming so I left for graduation in tears. My dad went because my friend's dad offered to drive him. He left halfway through and I waited half an hour afterwards to see if he would show up to congragulate me. He ended up going to dinner with the other dad and asked if I wanted to join him. All those empty promises from multiple family members saying earlier in my life that they would come stung. I ended up going to a school I wasn't going to go to because my dad thought it was more prestigious and it was closeish to home that I would be able to check up on the family. I hate it here. And I was so depressed and going home my first year, I failed to make friends. I am so lonely. And my dad said I could leave but then lied and said he didn't mean it so here I am in year 2. Still barely talk to anyone. My life should have been getting better, not getting worse. Now I can barely take showers. I don't have any motivation. I wasted two years of my life. My aunt and uncle live near me but they only talk when they need something. I have a car on campus. So they ask if I am going home one weekend to pick up some things. Or if could drive them to Walmart. Or if I can help them move. They left so late from their old apartment they slept in my dorm room so they wouldn't sleep in the lobby because I offered. But I know what they think of me. Because they never call otherwise. They claim it's because they do not want to disturb me but they know I don't have any friends. They told the people they were staying with that I wasn't their niece but I was a student driving them. I waited for an hr in the car eating fast food while they were packing up because I was only a student. I never even meet the people they are staying with. I sleep in a pile of trash everyday on my bed. Sometimes I don't sleep. Sometimes I sleep the whole day. Sometimes I miss all my classes. I wanted a sense of normalcy and instead I got this. I told 3 of my friends that I felt hopeless. But none of them take me seriously. I had one therapist tell me that I probably will not commit suicide so why bother talking about it. I told another at college but she said I am resistant to change and in that moment she was my last hope. I almost bought charcoal to kill myself but instead I cried the whole day and missed my classes instead. I am tired of keeping up this fake happy facade. I was only doing it for my brother. But it's getting too much now. I am doing all of the things you are supposed to do but it never seems like enough.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't do anything meaningful without getting depressed now I'm only happy if I pretend the world is all sunshine and rainbows. The smallest things, like sad movies or dogs or spilling something or anything like that makes me want to cry because I remember I'm not actually happy. I'm just in hiding.
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self.depression
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Scared of developing Alzheimer's or dementia, can someone talk me down? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Update: my life with parents turns into nightmare. I feel suffocating They talk abt their outrageous sexist transphobic beliefs as if they're absolutely normal. TIL they fully support victimblaming (sic(k)). When I disagree they look at me as at trash. If I get emotional (often) I get "you're the only one with bad mouth here", "you're ungrateful for our help w/tend-s" or "you forgot abt Dad's AD" (which is a legit prbl). Theyre the ruddest brats I meet in ages. I can't leave this place & its nightmare((((
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self.SuicideWatch
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I Keep Planning and My Attempts to Thwart My self Fail Obligatory Background: I've had NParents and the ordeal and suffered more homicidal behaviors in Middle School (but they always dismissed any of my behaviors cause all A, gifted student). After my concussion Sophomore year my anxiety became worse and I started having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts by Senior Year.
After an attempt where I went to a friend for help, my Nmom shut it down and accused me of taking and pulled me from the hospital which said "given you're frequency here (I've broken an arm, had 2 surgeries, been hit by 2 trucks, and had an infection) she's probably right."
The psychiatrist ruled with my mom because she said I woidlbt tell her anything--which I didnt. Because she made my mom stay in the room.
Everyone told me college would be better. With my high achievements and good grades would benefit me and Id feel better without my parents.
To a degree, yes. I had high hopes for finding friends.
But then a rumor that started from some of the things I did in Middle School and apparently followed me through high School that framed me as a "fake" lesbian with thoughts of murdering men and raping and all that. (I only threatened to kill my bully one time, none of that shit.) Came to light the first week of college.
Turns out my roommates believed it (they went to my highschool) and they still tell people. I told them it wasn't true, but after "believing me" they treated me less than human and kept spreading more rumors.
We're in the same program and I've been pretty much made into "that one weirdo" and I've withdrawn socially, because I feel like people are only confirming the rumor instead of talking to me.
I thought writing about it would help, so I turned it into a fictional story like I do for all my problems, but as I wrote a happy ending to please people and myself. I realized I don't have friends.
I don't have roommates anymore.
No one will notice. Maybe they'll notice after k skip a week of classes, but by then I could have succeeded.
I feel like I can't escape this past. I'm still stuck with PTSD from childhood abuse. My mom constantly using me. (And still trying to).
I've started having severe insomnia and hallucinations and mild delusions--(the bed bug delusion freaked me out, called an exterminator and realized after the fact there has never been bed bugs. I just imagined it.)
Maybe I put all my hopes on college after my mom lied to me about my insurance to stop me from continuing to go to my psychiatrist and counselor and made it so I d idnt think I could afford pills.
That once I was free, it would all go away.
I know my true reasons for doing it are mixed. I want to feel like I exist rather than being ignored on purpose. The rumor spread further than I thought it would in College and I feel like I'm constantly "nothing more than weird."
But I also know if I fail my mom will use it as "I'm right. She's unstable. Even though I denied it all in the past this is why I should get her money. Oh woe is me. I'm the victim. Why am I even sending her only my SSN so she can fill out FAFSA and no other financial support. She's clearly mental."
I know if I fail it'll just add fuel to the fire.
But this goddamn "sexual creep" that's been labeled on me is a death sentence. I've considered myself asexual or just not interested since high School.
But I could be baptized and swear on a bible and they won't change their view of me.
I just don't feel human. I feel like I'm constantly the burden. I don't tell my friends because when I was suicidal in the past they went "me too, lol. Just shut up already."
I feel like I can't complain or ever talk about negative feelings because my mom would tell me I was disrespecting her by doing that
I signed up for counseling. I talk to people.
But it feels all surface level. The counselor cancelled. Those people get busy.
I used to stress eat and try anything to get an adrenaline or dopamine high. (Walking around the town in 5 degree weather at night with my phone dead, jumping from distances that my already weak legs can't take, anything that delivers pain and a since of fear--helps fuel ADD).
But it doesn't work. I still feel the same the next night and just buy more pills and start doing calculations and reading medical reports on what was lethal. What was the chances? Ways to increase the eventual kidney fail and cause the blood to go toxic.
I try setting up situations where I'll have to tell someone. Risk going to the hospital where I'll be evaluated for something else so I can tell someone the truth. I got only minor frost bite and sprained my leg.
But I feel so far from human. So worthless.
Talent? Good grades? Good GPA? What's it even worth? My parents don't see me as nothing more than a "that's mine. I take ownership for what it's done." My old friends are living their lives a few towns away and I don't feel close enough to talk to them.
Here. There's no one close. Advisor and Peer Mentors are just figures for helping academics.
Campus has like 3 different suicide hotlines for local centers. But why should I call? What makes my problems worse? Especially with how many rape stories I hear. My abuse is old, for all I know it could be my imagination.
Who's to say the same thing doesn't happen. In the end, they dismiss me.
Nothing changes.
I miss class and my grades suffer and there's no excuse (Just like high-school--heck they d idnt excuse me for surgeries).
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self.SuicideWatch
|
??? Being abused by my mom everyday is really taking its toll on me. I'm losing interest in everything. It's hard to get out of bed, but being in bed is agonizing pain. I don't have much joy in life anymore. I'm constantly at home taking care of my abuser and being manipulated. I know I need to move out but I'm scared. Life if scary. It's scary that I'm not happy anymore. It's scary that I feel like I'm losing myself every day that passes.
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self.depression
|
I hope all you guys are ok. Today someone I followed lost his battle with depression, and it's shocking to see how it can happen to anyone.
I hope you guys can find solace before the holidays and I hope you can go into 2018 with a fresh and positive outlook. Depression is something that we all can suffer with, something that is undervalued and treated too casually, and just reading through the last hour of posts on here shows that it is SO much bigger then that.
I hope you guys can find true happiness, I also feel at times i'm on the slope towards depression, and hope that if I ever slip too far, I can climb back up again.
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self.offmychest
|
Nothing at All? I've been doing a lot of reading and can't tell what's going on. My meds were making sick, and I was going through what felt like a mixed episode (manic, yet depressed, suicidal, etc.). I called my Doc and he lowered my antidepressant (MAOI Inhibitor), after about 48 hours my mood changed, but now it's about 3 days of not feeling anything at all. Not happy, not sad, not depressed, not suicidal, I mean like nothing. I've been bipolar for 20 years and have never felt devoid of emotion. Quite the opposite there's always been an overabundance of it all the time. I do feel a little anxious, but it's not unbearable and I'm not having panic attacks like I normally do. I've been enjoying the break from the roller coaster, but it doesn't feel right and I can't tell if it's because I'm just used to being emotionally charged and this is something like normality, if the med is doing what it's supposed to, or if this is just some part of being bipolar I haven't felt. That last one would seem odd to me after 20 years of living with it, but not outside the scope of possibility. I am still on all my meds and am not going to stop taking them just for record. I know that's always a concern when one of us starts feeling better, but then I'm not feeling better. I would explain it as apathy for lack of a better term.
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self.bipolar
|
Scrambling & struggling to cope... Hello! I'm new to Reddit in general and I'm really happy that this is a thing! I have been struggling to cope lately (Bipolar II and anxiety) and not a damn thing makes me feel better. I am in this constant state of emotional discomfort that manifests to the physical. I want to be left completely alone so I don't have to worry about the toll taken on myself and the people I love. I'm so focused on pushing people away I feel like I don't love anyone anymore...at least for right now. I try to avoid any sort of affection and I just feel like such an awful, horrid person. My boyfriend is so supportive and I feel so guilty and angry with him for trying to help me because I'm tired of the help and I just want to give up. I've felt like a ghost for a while now, why not be an actual ghost? My boyfriend just got his concealed carry permit and I just wish he could kill me. I can't live with myself like this for much longer...and I don't want to try to cope with this on my birthday in 4 days.
Can anyone offer any feedback or perhaps share their own experiences? Thank you all so much for reading.
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self.bipolar
|
I alienate people and push them away. So I got dumped the day after my birthday. This was the longest relationship I'd ever had. It was (at least for a while) the only good relationship I'd ever had. I love her so much and she used to love me just as much. We had talked about marriage a lot and decided we wanted it to happen at some point. I was having a hard time waiting and was thinking about proposing soon.
Anyway, she told me when we broke up that she had fallen out of love with me almost two months ago. She had gone on a trip with my family after then. We only ever had sex when she Initiated because she had some trauma related to sex and that was the only way she could enjoy it. When I put together that she had initiated sex several times after realizing she didn't love me I asked her why she would. She said it was because she felt bad... the term pity sex was used. She then went on to explain that she felt weird and gross afterward like she'd had sex with a family member. That hurt like you wouldn't believe.
In addition to all this, she lives with my parents four days a week, and she drives their car. She has a crazy schedule right with three jobs all over our city and the four days she works two blocks from my parents' house.
There's plenty I'm leaving out, but I fucked up just a minute ago... since she left me I've naturally been grieving and today I was so angry. And I kept learning things about the situation that made it all so much worse. In a fit of rage I sent her a despicable text and hurt her. I love this girl so much and I can't believe I could ever say something like that to her with those intentions. So now this amazing, smart, kind, warm, magical woman who became my sister's best friend and practically a second daughter to my mother is unwilling to be a part of their lives either. She won't stay with my parents or drive their car now, and I don't see how she will make her current schedule work now. So I've made things so much worse for so many people with one stupid stupid text and I've hurt the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm a despicable person.
This girl and her uncle have been my best and only friends for a while so I don't have anyone to turn to right now. I just needed to get this out.
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self.depression
|
Help, please... Hi ( be aware, my grammar suck,oh and....I also hate my life so much.
I'm a 22 years old virgin with no confidence and no self esteem.
My sick father is always criticizes me and make me feel like a loser, but I can't really do shit about it..
I'm currently going to the university and working in a shitty job.
The only good thing my father do is offering me a place to stay ( and ..well its a lot when I think about it...) But I can't stay in my parent basement for ever...
I..just dont know what to do to feel better. Every day , when I woke up, or when I go to bed, when I take my shower, When I drive to my job, every moment of my life I wonder why Im alive..
Please, I know ..I must be the 100000e person to post this thread, but im serious, I need your help.. I really dont feel good. Suicidal or even killing thoughts pass through my mind all the time. I dont have any intention to do those things but I still think a lot about it. Please help.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I was told people care. I'm going through life and nothing makes sense. I have no idea how to accomplish anything. I have high functioning autism, so I don't understand communication very well. I know enough to blend in, but not enough to talk to people and get what I want. I'm so lonely. I used to be content being solitary, but now I have no experience in making friends or dating. I've looked online for guides, but nothing works. I've tried therapists, but they have stopped being effective. Every time I talk with people I can see that they are just annoyed by me; that's a facial expression I've learned to recognize well. Each year that passes gets more frightening and I'm not sure I want to keep living. People say it gets better, but I don't see how that's possible.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like no one cares, even though I know that there are people that do [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
People want to see you do good, just not better than them...getting used to smaller circles every year and I’m fine with it I don’t like being dramatic so this is the only space I have to talk about my bullshit and I’m very thankful for it. Every year my social circle is getting smaller and I’m OK with it. It’s always more for them and less for you. These people aren’t good friends. Sometimes it feels like I don’t have friends at all, and I only have my dignity and my family. Maybe at the end that’s all I really got. this social circle of mine is getting smaller. At least I can focus on other hobbies and goals now. It’s kind of weird saying this but for once....I actually love myself
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self.offmychest
|
Coming to the realization that you may have been depressed most of your life [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I've seen shit, nasty shit and how do you forget that? **Content Warnings:
Paedophilia, child abuse, porn, sexual abuse, torture**
Okay I'll try to avoid as much of the nastiness as possible but it's not nice on any level. Hence my warnings. But I need to get this out, even if no one reads it I need to say this.
When I was 14 years old I was a very confused teenager, my gender, sexuality and everything felt wrong. I felt like a gross sick freak and admitting who or what I was felt so hard but I needed to express myself somewhere so I went to chatroulette. One of them sites that anonymously connects you with strangers for a chat. Well months went by with me sometimes being myself and explaining how I felt best I could to strangers and sometimes just pretending to be me but a female version of me. One day I get chatting to this guy, he seems nice, seems to understand me. We get to emailing and this goes on for months, just me venting to him over email. Well I decided to make the most stupid choice of my life and agreed to meet him. It was clear this was for sex but also more than that. He said he saw me as the woman I was and he would let me express that. He brought my clothes and all sorts of stuff.
At first it was just normal gentle sex. Then he started talking to me about kids my age and showed me stuff online. On my laptop which again was me being fucking stupid. Then it was light bondage, then bdsm and before I knew it I was being punched and shown fucking kiddie torture porn.
Sounds fucking stupid now but back then it felt as normal as PornHub. I honestly didn't like all the gory shit but I will admit seeing kids my age I enjoyed. Is that wrong? I dunno. I still get off on pain now, self harm both sexually and non-sexually are regular for me. Extreme pain and extreme pleasure feel the same way. Your mind goes blank. The only thing in the universe is that feeling and it's so bright it's all you can focus on. Everything else goes away. I learnt that then and it's still true now. I feel like a freak again, burning myself, piercing myself, cutting myself all in secret because it's the only time all the shit goes away.
I still see them kids. I remember a few, I think they were killed. How is that right? How come they died and I only got away with a few bruises? How is it right that people do that shit?
I wish I could find these people and carry out every fucked up sick thing I remember to them and more. I want to cause them more pain than they thought possible, I want them to suffer!
All this anger, this spiteful venom. I want them to taste it, I want them to understand.
|
self.offmychest
|
depression and school don't mix I'm stressing out because I can't find any motivation to complete my assignments or study for tests. It's hard for me to differentiate laziness and depression; all of my teachers already think I'm a bad student for not being able to complete anything. I used to have straight A's and now I have some A's, some C's.
Does anyone have any advice as to how I can deal with the stress of school AND my mental disorder? I've been thinking about telling my teachers but I don't know if that's a good idea or not.
|
self.depression
|
Anyone else express sadness as irritability and anger? I find I'm really snappy at everybody and even the slightest things annoy me. It gets me into fights and I don't know what to do about it.
|
self.depression
|
I came close to Suicide last night but I think I've finally come around. I've had a rough 3 months but my best friend gave me a long lecture after last night and I honestly don't think I'm going to try again, before it was just me waiting for there to be nothing left to look forward to and then I would end it. He said the nicest things and genuinely believes I'm gonna be something great. I won't let him down.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
He left me. the love of my life. on tuesday, he officially broke up with me.
i have suffered depression and massive ammounts of panic and anxiety over the time we have been distant of eachother. he told me he needed time. to collect himself and figure out what he needed.
finally, i forced him to talk. it had been 2 months too long. i wanted him to say what he wanted to say. and thats when he told me that his feelings for me werent as strong as they once were. he still felt for me, but it wasn't like before. he said that he was beating himself up and hating himself over feeling like this. but his feelings just faded. it was that, and the fact that he couldn't give me what i needed in a relationship. but he didn't understand. hes all i need.
he promised me countless times. hundreds of times that he would never leave me. he promised no matter what happened, he would love me forever. we planned out our entire future. where we would live, our kids, our life together. for the first time in my entire life, i didnt look at my future in a negative way. he was in it. and he gave my meaningless life purpose.
none of my other relationships have ever mattered like this one. he gave me overwhelming happiness and love. and now, all those promises and plans for our life together. they suddenly dont matter.
i have no purpose. and i dont want anybody to offend him, make him look bad. or tell me time will heal. and that heartbreak is always fixable. i want my life to mean something. i just want him back. i need him so bad. the man i promised my entire life to, and the one who promised me his in return. my love and happiness. everything is just gone. and it feels pointless now.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
To fight my anxious thoughts, I make tourettes-like noises. Some coworkers are starting to notice, which is feeding my anxiety even more. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
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