text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
Help, I want to die... Nothing seems to be going right. My classes are a pain in the ass, I seem to be pissing off a lot of people, and I simply am not well. I can't do shit right it seems like. Just about everyone around me is pissed or annoyed at me for something it seems like. I have nothing to do after class, basically go home and either sleep or play video games, and even that has become unenjoyable. Suicidal thoughts are creeping up again. Everything is just so overwhelming I just want it to be over. It's like the people I had are gone and legit what's left? Pretty much nothing. Like I just need something or someone please. Anyone, anything
|
self.bipolar
|
I can't tell if my mother has bad taste or is just passive aggressive. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Can Cymbalta cause or exacerbate mania? I was on 20 mg Prozac and 6 mg Vraylar. I'm now on 30 mg Cymbalta instead of Prozac. Started 2 days ago.
I feel all kinds of fucked up. I'm not sleeping well (can fall asleep usually ok, but I wake up for several hours every night). I feel impulsive and like I'm crawling out of my skin, and super fucking emotional and anxious. I never have happy manias so this feels sort of like a mania to me. I wasn't sleeping well even before I was put on Cymbalta, but it isn't helping (not that it normally does I don't think).
But these past two days I've been on it I'm alright in the morning when I take it but by the afternoon I feel nuts.
|
self.bipolar
|
[NAW] Why can't I be rich? I wish I was born into a rich family. I wouldn't have to stress about everything or anything. I wouldn't have to sit in pointless classes for countless hours and worry about my grades. I wouldn't have to get jobs I don't want to do. I wouldn't have to bug my friends for help with things. Of course I'm extremely grateful the way I am. Though I don't live in the best area, I have a lovely house and a family that loves me. I love them too. But I think we all wish we were rich. "Money doesn't buy happiness." Bullshit. Money removes all the difficulties of life. I love my home and my family, but I wouldn't mind being rich. The only problem is... I have no idea how to get there. I have no talents, no skills, I'm not smart, I'm not useful, I'm dependent and rude. I refuse to conform to society even though that's one of the keys to success. Being lazy won't get me anywhere. I just would like to be rich. To be born into a rich family. We wouldn't have to worry.
|
self.offmychest
|
Me I'm 27 years old male, jobless and no education.
My mom didn't really raise me. She let my grandmother and her sisters take care of me until I was 5. Which then she was pregnant with my sister. She had a government job and pretty much slept or watched tv after she was home.
Ever since I can remember she compared me to other kids, when I was about 7-8 I told her that I don't like the comparisons but still to this date she talks and compares me to others when other people are around.
I had an ok school life, was above average. But her everyday bickering about my future and constant stress made me hate school really early. I finally dropped out of university because it made me unhappy how she was looking over my shoulder at any and every step. I felt lighter.
The day I decided that I won't finish the school was a really happy day, because I knew how much she wants me to have an academic career of any kind. Because she thinks that's a socially prestigious thing to do. I always seen her in situations with others talking about any smallest thing that'd get her this social currency she perceives.
She doesn't accept this yet but I think she realizes there's a chance that I'm serious about no more school, and I can see it stresses her. Which makes me feel glad. Because whatever good I do, she feels it's her way to success and tells other moms so she can compare her motherhood with others. Even though dad and mom is financially stable and own property, that is something much more valuable to her.
I had few girls who liked me, who directly told me or my sister, that's how I know. I can say I liked only 2 girls all my life, close to loving even. One is only from internet who I still talk but our connection has begin to deteriorate, I'm obviously not in love but I admire her. And other was from my high school. I'm still a virgin.
With the girl I knew from highschool, I had a chance to be with her her. Stayed with her in her house alone when we were both in university, and didn't had sex. You can call me coward or delusional or romantic, I just seeked some connection. Sex isn't a big deal with me, I truly believe it's worth seeking someone that's the one, more than wasting someones time.
But that day I saw the same thing in her eyes, I had something of value only if she get to share me with her friends. She asked me about other girl who told me she liked me, she was enjoying that she's getting something that girl didn't get. We stopped talking couple days later. I know that break her heart but I was de synthesized to her condition. We spoke a year later again, when she had a boyfriend and then stopped again.
I was living with my parents last couple months because family stuff I'd rather not go into. I'm actually living with a friend who's well off in an apartment and I find money doing little stuff-not drugs.
There is no peace with her. I believe it's unnecessary for me to explain her little manipulations, through others and by herself. I don't need you to believe me. I just want to dig up a hole and crawl in and sleep there.
My dad is getting old and I can see how he's being treated by her. By no means she's a bad wife, but I can see she won't let a peaceful time to linger for long. She raises her annoying voice and creates issues where there is none. I know dad could handle her better few years before but now she gets to him. I don't want to end up old and struggle with someone who's unreasonable like her.
While I was home I noticed my mother was still the same, trying to prove(to others) how good she's been to me and I should turn out better just like all the other sons and daughters she knew who turned out better than me. When couple of people visited us I heard her compare me to others and how I couldn't do something like that other "kid". This is the thing that made me realize how unhappy she can make me. I almost forgot that living away from her.
I know a girl I can be with and I'll fuck her before 2018 even though we don't have a connection I stupidly seek. I'll take it out on her, I lost faith in having that connection. This is the reason I wrote this and why it's unorganized ramble.
I only wanted peace, helped people without expecting anything in return, tried my best to avoid them and waste their valuable time-unless youre reading this- and those weren't good enough because someone else would do something differently. My happiness and peace didn't matter, only comparisons did.
|
self.offmychest
|
I don't know what to do at this point I'll start this by saying I'm a 15 year old girl, and I'm using a throwaway because I'm feeling... Paranoid, I guess? I don't know if I can word it properly. This is also REALLY long, but I needed to just say all of this. There’s a whole summary at the bottom though that’s too long to be a whole TL;DR because I have a lot of things I want to say.
I'm a mess. I lie compulsively. It's not like I'm purposefully trying to be a shitty person. It just comes out. I used to lie compulsively about big stuff. I haven't really lied about that kind of shit recently, though, because I'm trying to work on it, but I'll still catch myself lying about minor shit [Ex. My family speaking Sicilian, and, while it's believable because my father and half of his side are obviously Sicilian and just generally southern Italian, it is still a lie that I shouldn't've told.] and it sucks and I hate that I do that and I really don't know how to stop.
I have a lot of mental-health related issues, too. For one, I have OCD, which manifests itself as Harm OCD. I won't go into the specifics of it, it makes me want to kill myself sometimes, even though my psych tells me every time I see her that, no, I'm absolutely not what the OCD tells me I am. It also doesn't help that I masturbate compulsively, and I've been masturbating compulsively for years now, prior to the OCD manifesting as that, but I am trying to stop completely because it's negatively affecting my already deteriorating mental health.
I also have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, as well as emotional abuse. I used to be hypersexual from the sexual abuse, and while I do think about sex a lot, I don't think about it nearly as often as I did when I was younger. I'm still in an emotionally abusive household, although my mother loves to switch it around on me and tell me that I'm manipulative for the absolute dumbest reasons [Ex. she told me that I was manipulative because I didn't clean my room. Yeah.] or tell me that I'm going to yell at her or some absolute bullshit while she's the one screaming at me. There's a lot of other shit she does and bullshit she's pulled, but it'd take too long if I typed all of it. I /really/ want my mother to lose custody of me, but I'm afraid of what she'll do if I do tell someone who isn't my psychiatrist of what she does. My dad even thinks I'm exaggerating, which is obvious bullshit because I can't even count the times I've been crying at his place because of the shit my mother pulled. He even told my mother that I was "exaggerating or lying unintentionally". I know I said I lie compulsively, but I swear on my life I'm not lying. But, I digress.
I've got depression, which makes it hard for me to find the motivation or energy to do things. Like, cleaning my room, for example. Or, more importantly, I'll wait until the last possible minute to do schoolwork and then only do half of it, or I won't even turn in my work until a day or two before the interim/quarter ends, etc. My grades are suffering because of that.
If you know my IRL, you'd know that I'm one paranoid individual. I'm not /always/ paranoid, but I get paranoid VERY often, and it's mostly about either paranormal-related shit, like ghosts and demons and ESPECIALLY these house goblin things [I'm not going in detail, but I do not mean those big-eared Harry Potter house elves], or the American Mafia. The CIA occasionally, too, but mostly about surveillance rather than me being in immediate danger because of them. It's funny, though, because I'll read and watch and even talk about things relating to the American Mafia, but it won't phase me until I realize that the Mafia is a real organization with real people in it. It doesn't help that two of the families from NYC operate in my city. I'm scared to go down this big, historic neighborhood with all these bars on it just in case one of them is actually a front. I don't get paranoid about the CIA often, but a few months ago I was convinced that the real head of the CIA was watching me through cameras in my electronics, so I taped them over until I realized 4 days later that that's probably not actually happening. The paranormal-related paranoia gets way worse at night, which not surprising, but it makes it harder than it already is for me to sleep.
I hear shit, too, and it's a lot more noticeable at night. Like, once, I heard whispering in my room at my mother's house. Recently, I heard, like, a piano key when I was trying to sleep in my dad's studio apartment. Just last night, I was in my bed at my mother's house around like 1 in the morning and I heard a loud knock or bang on the wall behind me. Shit like that. It DOES happen during the day, though, but just not as often. The one I do remember most vividly was the time I was walking to the CVS close to my mother's house, and every time I passed by a specific area, a chirping or beeping would start right next to me, and then stop or fade out, and then it would start up again right next to me, and then stop or fade out, and then it continued until I got to the CVS, and then it happened again on the walk back and stopped once I got back to my mother's house. But, that's really the only one I can remember off the top of my head. Way worse at night.
I’ve got a lot of issues controlling my anger. Like, I’ll feel anger so intensely that it feels like it’s consuming me and all I’ll think about for hours on end is who or what pissed me off. I’ve thought of and wanted to do a lot of violent things to people. Especially the people who piss me off, or even slightly inconvenience me. I mean, I’m quiet, I hardly stand up for myself IRL, and I don’t really know how to fight, so I won’t really last long in a fistfight at school [Which is the place where nearly everyone who I want to be violent towards is at. It’s high school, you know.], but give me two rolls of quarters, or a textbook, or anything that I could fight people with, really, and enough anger and the notion that my reputation won’t be ruined, I’d go to town whenever someone said anything.
Last month on a Thursday, something minor and petty happened at my school and it pissed me off so damn much that I wanted to fight this dumbass girl the next day. School was cancelled on a Friday because someone pulled the fire alarm, there were 10-11 whole fights, someone got pepper sprayed, and there were rumors that someone got stabbed [Nobody got stabbed, but that was a big rumor]. So, there was no school. But over the weekend, I wanted to fight this girl so bad. Then I had, like, an epiphany from God. Which was, to just. Fucking kill people. Not even that specific girl, just fucking kill a man, and if you don’t get caught, kill another man, and keep going until you’re caught.
I will admit, that I was not in the right mindset prior to the petty thing, and I was not in the right mindset after, because I was pretty damn sure that came from God himself, but, still. I didn’t question it at the time. The idea of committing murder- serial murders, no less, was absolutely appealing to me at the time. And, if I’m going to be completely honest, it still is. I mean, I don’t think I’d ever go through with it, but. I just honestly want people to be scared of me. Hell, just the idea being able to boast that I’ve got a damn body count on graffiti in a bathroom stall seems great to me. Again, I want to reiterate that I’m not going to do anything, but. I want to. Just to have, like, a power trip.
What also comes into play with that is the fact that I don’t feel like I have an actual future. I mean, like, I don’t feel like I’m going to be able to /do/ anything, you know? Even the idea of living a mediocre life working at some office cubicle seems so out of reach for me. I don’t know how to describe it other than that, like, I feel like I don’t have an actual future. I know it’s not the place where anyone wants to be, but a prison seems like it’d be an alternative for that. I’m wording his horribly, I think, and I do want to reiterate that, no, I’m not going to do anything like that, but, it’s just. Not fun.
And, despite almost having anxiety attacks whenever I think about the real life actual American Mafia with living people in it, I kind of want to. Get involved in it. I know it’s improbable and likely not going to happen at all, because I’m a teenage girl who isn’t even fully Italian, and even if I got close enough to talk to someone in the Mob and be an associate or whatever the fuck, I’d likely say some dumb shit and get myself killed, but I just. Would rather do that and the violent shit than live with whatever hell is going to happen if I just keep living as it. It’s not even for the money or whatever lifestyle Hollywood says they live. I don’t care about money, and I know that Hollywood’s idea of how mobsters live is mostly a lie. I just honestly want people to be afraid of me, or at least have enough respect for me and themselves that they wouldn’t say rude shit about me within earshot.
Just have some semblance of power that I’ve literally never had thus far and would never get living whatever “life” I’d have if I don’t do that. But, I doubt I’m ever going to get that, because I honestly don’t like hurting people, I’m honestly not that stupid, and it’s just too improbable. So, at this point I have no idea what I’m going to do. With my mental health issues, compulsive lying, shit grades, and anger issues, I feel like I have no future whatsoever and I just don’t know at this point. This is super long and I’m just rambling now, so I’m sorry. And thank you if you read all this. I do appreciate it.
**Summary: I’m a high school sophomore with a lot of mental health problems and I feel like I have no future and really want to do some violent shit and be involved in organized crime [Despite being so god damn paranoid of the mob] in order to make people afraid of me but also so I can have some alternative to having no future, because everything would be decided for me once I got caught for that bullshit. I’d never do that, though, because murder is bad and getting into organized crime seems so unlikely, so I don’t know what the hell to do at this point.**
|
self.offmychest
|
Do you ever feel like you’re just putting on a show for the entire world to see? Whenever I go out I always feel like all eyes are on me and these people are expecting something from me, like some sort of show or something. Its weird I feel like I’m a character in some movie when I go out, I don’t feel like a real human being, just an actor playing a role and people are just watching my spectacle.
|
self.bipolar
|
Failing I’m scared I’m going to fail this semester. I already withdrew from one class and I have three others to worry about. I hope I at least pass with a C in all of them but I’m terrified I’ll get put on academic suspension which means I can’t take classes for a year. I think I’ll be okay but half of me thinks I’m going to bomb this semester
|
self.offmychest
|
Psych med subreddit Does anyone know if there is a subreddit just for discussing psychiatric meds?
|
self.bipolar
|
How bad is it Ok here is my story. I am getting over major depression because of Prozac. And I actually found a job that is a temporary employee to load up some box’s into a trailer. I Iiterally got myself fired on the first day, but because of Prozac I didn’t care so I called them and asked for another chance. The old me would have never even considered calling them back. But so I’m here day2 and a complete outcast but there are others who are a little like myself but here is the crazy part... I’m taking brake with this guy and I start to ask him a few questions about work and he randomly gets up to go stand outside it was the most weird situation I have ever been in
|
self.depression
|
If you were to teach someone what is an mixed episode, how would you put it? For thrusday, Friday & Saturday everything was a few funny weird joy ride from spinning on my computer chair to laughing at nothing but I feel this feeling of wanting die. Although the week before I had a few signs I was going to go weird with short bursts of odd moods here and there. Today is Sunday I just feel this overwhelming yearning that my soul just wants to die. I just feel the dislike towards myself and how weird I am.
On Friday I just feel the disturbing thoughts of my own whispering with my own voice in my mind "you're pathetic just die!" Though I have no action to kill myself but I am used to this I used to have it all the time when I was a teenager since I am now on meds that so work 50% of the time I believe it's the only thing works for me I used to be on list of other things. It just means Christmas as an adult will always be odd "off" time for me. When Christmas time happens I am excited but I dread it at the same time.
I am rambling so much I went on a hype train for instagram and twitter but when I was not this I would not be on the hype train I am over analysing my past purchases I bought alot of handbags this year I am just starting to regret now.
I want to go for a walk but I feel the urge to just stay home I feel worry for no reason but I feel so much energy.
I think I just need advice how you guys just deal may help me focus learn how to ride this better.
|
self.bipolar
|
A high-school ex from 9 years ago and her mother still complain about me on Facebook, and it made me happy. I don't have social media, but I will occasionally make a burner account on Facebook to "catch up" on people that are no longer remotely involved in my life. Having graduated from high school 7 years ago and only needing 3 years to graduate college, I've met and left a lot of people behind.
I was in a brief relationship in high school that may have lasted four months top. It was as deep as a small town high school male wanted it to be: i.e., I was essentially seeking a good time. I was emotionally immature and just wanted sex, but it's not like I ever hurt her more than any other teenage jerk has.
Anywho, I made a burner account recently and was clicking through accounts and found her! She's since had a kid and lives with her mother still. I saw she posted a throwback post of me on her totally public account, and her mother made a nasty comment about my behavior. Literally 9 years after the fact, damn near a decade.
It felt good. It reminded me of a great line in Mad Men: I don't think about you at all. I've succeeded so much since living bumblefuck, rust belt, USA, and this girl got knocked up and lives with her mom, and I still am on their mind. She hadn't crossed mine since I left.
Can't help but feel bad for her for still caring.
|
self.offmychest
|
The circle of life I’m curious... according to Hinduism. If reincarnation is real than if someone were to kill themselves. Would they be reborn and forced to live and learn the same lessons over? Would they be faced with same hardship? Alan Watts says, can you remember a time when you went sleep having never woken up? The answer would be no.. then he says, can you remember a time when you woke up having never gone to sleep? And that is when we are born. So.. something I’m thinking about. Wondering what the collectivist consciousness (you all) have to say...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Best depression coping mechanisms? What works for you? Im just sick of feeling so pathetic. Im gonna do my best to get up tomorrow morning, clean up a bit an then work on doing something productive.
What medications do you guys take?
Im on 20mg Lexapro and 2mg diazepam daily
|
self.depression
|
If I can't enjoy anything, why shouldn't I kill myself? I woke up this morning wanting to die. I spent my day trying to escape reality in whatever way I could, and now I want to die again. I don't care about the possibility of happiness in the future, because I'm sure all the joy in the world wouldn't add up to the pain I've gone through. The world is a shitty place, I don't know why anybody would ever feel like life is worth living.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Finally scheduled a doctors appointment then didn't actually tell the doctor any of my problems So I finally managed to convince myself to to a doctor today planning to talk about my depression and anxiety, it was kind of a last minute thing I've been having a ton of problems lately and woke up today feeling semi decent for once and like I could talk without just completely blanking out like I normally do, so I ended up managing to not talk myself out of it like I have in the past. I ended up walking all the way to the office because I don't have a car and can't handle buses, I was feeling decent about myself on the way there.
But, as soon as I actually got to the office though I just messed the whole thing up as usual. The second I walked through the door my anxiety kicked in and I just felt terrible. I managed to get signed in at the receptionist's and waited to get called. The whole time I was waiting I started convincing myself that anxiety and depression aren't real and that I was just over exaggerating normal problems and that I really didn't need to bring anything up with a doctor because I'll just sound whiny or crazy. Eventually I got called back and the nurse asked me what was wrong and I ended up just telling them I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, which I guess also isn't wrong. They did normal height and weight stuff and then eventually the actual doctor came around and asked some generic questions about my sleep, the whole time I just gave simple yes or no answers feeling like a complete idiot for wasting my time on all of this. Near the end I did somehow managed to blurt out that I feel like it could be depression or anxiety and he literally just said "could be" and didn't dig any further. He ended up writing me a prescription for some regular sleeping pills and sent me on.
The whole way walking back home I felt absolutely terrible. I felt dumb for thinking that I have any actual problems and for wasting my time actually going to a doctors when I knew very well that I wouldn't be able to communicate anyway. I felt like the fact that I had even managed to go out and talk to a doctor proved that I'm lying to myself most of the time and that even if he had asked for specifics at the end when I managed to blurt out what I thought it was I would have felt too dumb to answer and just probably of lied to him as well. Because I know I can't bring myself to say that I just feel terrible all the time or that I think I have panic attacks or that everything is just a blur most of the time, in my mind anytime I start to bring it up it's just that I'm being whiny and need to get over myself and that no one wants to hear about my problems anyway.
I don't really feel like this post has a point, maybe it would have been better suited somewhere else but I really just wanted to get it off my chest. I hate the stupid shit I do to myself, I hate that anytime I manage to reach out for help I end up just sabotaging myself, and I hate that I know that I won't change.
|
self.depression
|
My life is garbage and my own father hates me. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Feeling it for the first time in 15 years [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
He saved me I was in metro station, hadn't any recent worries in my life or problems. Waiting for train to come, I was thinking that I must jump. I felt very sad at that moment, don't know why. I was hearing a voice that said to not do it. I knew he was running in my direction. I heard him. I closed my eyes and I let myself falling. At the last moment he did catch my hand and pulled me in his direction. Train was there, he saved me. Strange fact, the man who saved me was a girl, a very beautiful one. We watched in silence for a half a minute, then I left. She followed me and I started crying. She said that I must see someone for help and she offered to go with me. I don't know what to do, why is a stranger carrying for me so much? Did you ever experienced something like this before?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Can't stand corny, boring office personalities I’m currently working at a corporate office. It’s huge, there are about three thousand employees. We socialize, but it’s different. Those of you that also work in similar settings know exactly what I mean. To sum it up, here are some words and phrases that come to mind:
Contrived, polite, politically correct, aggressive, boring, about the weather, one-liners and dad jokes, fake smiles and forced laughter, awkward, cocky, calculated, phony.
It’s not surprising why office interactions are the way they are--we have our own lives and we’re just trying to get some work done. So that’s not what I’m looking to point out. Instead, I’m curious about how this office bubble in which we socialize, that unnatural, sometimes bizarre social feedback that we take in--for 40-hours a week--can affect what we’re actually like, how we think about ourselves, when we’re OUTSIDE the office.
More specifically, what’s it like being in this office bubble for someone who’s position demands a certain level of respect? In other words, someone that has their butts kissed through the day, weeks, months, and years? What becomes of them? Sure, there’s arrogance, and perhaps a stagnation of personal growth--if they’re a jerk but can bring in lots of new business as a sales executive, then what’s there to reflect on and/or fix? Maybe they’re doing something right.
What I find most interesting, however, has to do with charm and the ability to make each other laugh. These qualities are entirely dependent on others, in that they require social feedback to gauge. Presence around others, attempts at humor, elicit reactions that are used to then refine. But if the bulk of those interactions are within that office bubble, and butts are kissed from lowly employees wide-eyed and bursting with laughter at every utterance, what remains?
Well, to put it briefly: corny motherfuckers. God, I can’t stand people talk at the office. And for my friends that do work corporate, they’re bringing that lack of conversational self-awareness with them. We’re all bores.
|
self.offmychest
|
Im stressed out about an injury I run cross country and track and a little over a month ago my hip started hurting a little bit but sometimes something will hurt for a little while so I thought it would just go away and I kept running. Later on it started to hurt more on the outside of my thigh between my knee and hip and it kind of hurt to run but it wasn't like a sharp horrible pain I could kind of deal with it so I told my coach and it was the end of the season so I didn't go crazy at the end of the season but I finished the season and I took two weeks off. Now indoor season is starting and it is kind of hurting again.
It's stressing me out because I want to keep running because it's my senior year so if I see a doctor and they tell me to take a while off I'm worried I won't run my best times this year once I come back because I'll be out of shape. I wanted to just rest it and try like icing and stretching but that might not have worked. If it still bothers me this week I'll see an orthopedist or something but I'm worried no matter what I do because if I see a doctor I might have to take a long time off but if I don't and I keep trying to get better on my own I'm afrid I'll make it worse and I'll have to take off even longer. It's been stressing me out because I wanted to have a good senior year and do my best, I ran well in cross country and I wanted to keep that going and now I feel like that's ruined. I'm pretty upset about it but I don't want to talk to other people about it that much because I feel like they just wouldn't understand.
|
self.offmychest
|
I quit benzos. Having some odd withdrawal symptoms, just want to double check that this is normal. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm really sick of life and want to die but I can't convince myself to kill myself I don't know why I can't do it I keep trying but I can't do it I'm really sick of living but something is stopping me from killing myself. I just want to die. I'm sick of being a waster of space and life. Please just let me die why can't I do it?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
should i write a note? so i have finally committed to doing it tonight, but idk if i should write a note? probably will, but how long should it even be i have no idea what it normally is. should i be detailed or not?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
There is more to the story...but I need to get this off my chest [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I have lost (seemingly) everything. I know it doesn't sound like it. I am an optimist at heart. I know I have love in my life, my friends, my family, but etc. I won't have to worry about how they feel about this when I'm dead.
Been suicidal for weeks. My boyfriend, the love of my life, who has issues of his own, removed me from social media, his family won't respond, and completely turned off his phone. I can only assume he's dead or dying (due to his mental health issues and physical heart problems, he won't live too long, and this seems like the end.)
I have a diagnosed unspecified mood disorder-- but I also have a feeling I may have schizoaffective as well. Had a psychotic break at age 16-- I hallucinate every now and then, and I'm riddled with constant delusions that I'm aware of, but can't control.
I tried to get a job, my literal dream job to keep me distracted from the possible death of my lover. I had an extremely successful interview. Weeks later, I heard from them back. I did not get the job. This was 2 days ago-- I had planned my suicide. Talked to my therapist and people I cared about in my life. Haven't been hospitalized. I am stuck at home, jobless, friendless, all I fucking do is art commissions on the internet, but that's it.
I can't shake off my thoughts of suicide. I have a whole plan and everything. Really all I'd have to do is write my note and jump off this bridge nearby (couple miles drive). It's a beautiful natural setting which I love so much. I just want to jump and land in the water and live in fantasy instead of what I'm living right now.
What's weird is that I was generally pretty stable today, but, I'm really not right now. I think things are gonna get worse.
I've talked to my friends, my wonderful friends, but for some reason the comfort of some strangers is what I need right now. I love you all. Please don't call the police on me or anything-- if anything I'll be strong enough to cut myself off before actually DOING it, but this is just to vent my feelings. I cannot stop thinking about my own demise.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Only staying for my son I'm so tired of being miserable and feeling worthless because of how I have fucked up my life. I'm 37 and never finished college and the only way I can make money is being a plumber. It wouldn't be bad but I was a stay at home dad for the past few years and I don't want to go back to working 90 hours a week missing my son growing up. My wife is miserable and pretty much hates me and treats me like one of her employees. I'm working three days a week and still averaging 35 hours a week to help pay some bills. When I'm home I'm working building furniture and things for customers of mine but not making enough money to to quit my other job. My wife went to college an has a job making 100k+ working maybe 35—40 hours a week with plenty of time for the gym and her nails and hair. When we met I had great credit and now it's in the shitter because of her addiction to shopping. We're about 50-60k in credit card debt and she's even taken cards out in my name and had her new car repossessed because she "forgot" to pay the bill. I had to borrow money from my friend to get her car back and she still pays the payment late almost every month. I feel like I'm completely worthless because of her. I do nothing right or good in her eyes. I've begged her to go to marriage counseling and we did for a little while but now she won't go again. My son is my entire life at this point and the only reason I'm still going. I'm too afraid to commit suicide because I know he'd be devistated but I'd I got hit by a truck it wouldn't be that bad in my mind. I love him so much and he's such an amazing and awesome kid that doesn't deserve living in a home full of anamosoty and misery. He has such a kind heart even though he is a product of two miserable people. I just want it to be over but I'm afraid of leaving him for her to take care of. I honestly am trapped and hate my life but only put a smile on and keep going for him. Guess I'm just trying to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading this if you made it this far.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Alone on my birthday my boyfriend and i made plans for my birthday but because he was busy working on sunday (my real bday) he said let's meet on saturday. i work in the morning on saturday so we agreed to meet right after my work. the morning of he calls me saying 'hey when should we meet' and i told him we already made plans and he had no memory of them at all....when i said we planned to meet after my work at 1:30 he said let's meet at night instead. i felt really sad and disappointed because now i have to spend the majority of the day alone. i live in the countryside in a foreign country where i have no friends or family. when i told him i was disappointed, he started yelling at me saying i was crazy for crying every time he tries to change our plans.
i feel like i have no control over everything. my roommmate hates my guts, my family is far far away, my bills are crushing me, and my relationship is an endless rollercoaster of shit. its getting harder and harder to keep away the thoughts of harming myself.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My girlfriend makes me cry and idk what to do I don't care how long this gets, I want someone to read it.
I have a girlfriend of 14 months, and she's been making me cry recently. She's such a sweet person and adorable and I love her, but she is mean to me a lot. Yesterday she told me everything she hated about me, one of the things being she hates how awkward I am, and how much she hates it. I try being not awkward so I tried livening up in front of my family and tried being weird and not awkward when she was over and all my siblings didn't seem to mind and they seemed to enjoy it. She tells me she hated it and idk what to do. I'm awkward around my family, so i try not being awkward and she hates it more, so now ill just be twice as awkward now cause now I don't wanna talk to anyone. She told me all these things and she made me cry, I was bawling and she apologized and said she felt bad. She took all her anger out on me, and she made me tell her 5 things I disliked about her. I didn't wanna do it, I hate being mean to her, but she made me because if I didnt, she said she could never forgive herself and this was the only way. I said them and I felt awful. The next day she invites me over and said she's sorry, and then spends the next 2 hours on her phone looking at clothes ignoring me. Later that night we hang out and I'm on my phone a decent amount, less than what she does, and its going alright. Then she later that night decides to tell me what she hates about me again. She tells me she hates when I go on my phone and how I'm so awkward and how I'm not other guys, she tells me she sees other couples and says she wants that. She asked me if I thought other girls were cute, and I said maybe very few, but I said I only think about her, which is true, I'm faithful to my relationship. She tells me she thinks a lot of guys are cute, like a lot. She asks if I would ever leave her idea cute girl asked me out or something and I said no. I asked her and she said most likely not. Is that bad? Am i looking too much into that. Anyways, I feel so awful as a person. I always mess up. I feel like garbage. I don't feel like formatting this cause I'm crying too much to care. I don't care if this is super long I need to tell someone this.
Am I terrible for being an awkward person? She's a hypocrite about so many things, she doesn't realize it, she makes me cry so much because she flips out so easily. Is she right? I feel like she is. I feel so empty. All I have is love for her. She says she loves me, and maybe I'm just selfish and stupid, maybe I'm wrong, maybe she's right. I don't feel like she really does. Idk what to do. I've never cried this hard before. I'm crying. I'm sad. What do i do?
EDIT: I should probably add that I have depression and she knows I have depression. But whenever I'm sad I'm chastised for it and its like she gets mad that I get sad at things.
|
self.depression
|
My thought process Delusion Example -
Internal Dialogue: "If I suicide in the first semester of 3rd year rather than my second semester this will better escape the possibility of anyone thinking Uni or my Uni grades had something to do with my suicide"
Me: "I should write down this thought to show how delusional it is."
Result: I am such an honest person or I commit suicide better than these other people or I am such an academic that I can objectively analyze my reasons for suicide or I am so great at x , blah blah blah blah.
Complete ignorance that if I was such an honest, academic, rational x then I wouldn't be in my current situation. If I really was so honest then I'd have told someone about this.
Actual delusion is not just in the internal dialogue but it manipulates my thought process so pervasively and inescapably that all results from internal dialogue are just fuelling further delusions, how do you fight something that can just shapeshift like this and always produce some form of delusion no matter the thought.
Once the delusion is found and caught it immediately starts creating/fuelling a new delusion.
The delusions are so common that all thoughts & behaviours are either self-censored or I let the delusion play itself out to the full end, either way doesn't this mean I'm not really me anymore? This then provides justification for suicide, this is probably also a delusion.
Used to think I could tell what was delusional and what wasn't but isn't the point of being delusional that you don't realize it? This leads to constant seeking of approval from others, constant triple-checking of what I've revealed to who because I drift thoughts by others to see if they're delusional or not and if I float two contradictory ideas to someone too close together then the delusion might get exposed.
This wouldn't bother me but it's assumed I am my delusions or that I take responsibility for them, either way, in the eyes of others the delusions are my fault, something inherently wrong with me rather than something that is affecting me. Maybe this is also a delusion.
Further delusion: "Now let's say I put this whole thing in my suicide note, well wouldn't that just be a fantastic psycho-analysis of myself."
I don't know everything is just foggy, I don't even know if what I just wrote is actually accurate or still just delusional and completely detached, maybe I have bipolar and I'm just having some sort of manic thought derailing, I don't know if I really mean what I say.
|
self.depression
|
I never had a "hookup" phase, and I regret it, and envy how easy it is for people now. Put your dicks away, I'm a guy. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
My brother tried to kill himself Tuesday and I don’t even know how to begin to process all of this. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
"I honestly think you just want to be depressed" [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Becoming paranoid about leaving my house... Seriously. What if someone decides they just want to kill me? Be it because of some assumption they have about who I am or just because they don't like the way I look. I swear, I wish I could just remove myself from this world and watch it waste away from a distance. It's absolutely terrible.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m depressed, an alcoholic, have major anxiety, and finishing up my final semester of cllege [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
All these people are saying they are autistic all of the sudden.. YOU'RE NOT FUCKING AUTISTIC YOU ARE JUST AWKWARD! Being autistic is all of the sudden the newest trend, stop with this bullshit people. Every other post I see on Reddit is about how somebody is autistic.
|
self.offmychest
|
Dear god someone help me, talk to me I'm sitting on the edge of my bed closer to suicide than I've been in a while. It's 1am and everyone's asleep. I have a bottle of sleeping pills beside me. I don't know what to do.
My life is too fucked up to explain at this point. I have many debilitating health issues and my mind isn't any better.
Humanity hates me. And they should. I hate me too. Sometimes I wonder if the suffering I endure is some kind of justice from the universe. Maybe there is a cosmic order to things and the universe is just giving me what I deserve.
I don't like me. The people around me don't like me. Even the people that love me, my family, only does so out of unconditional love. If I was a friend, they would have cut me off long ago.
I cause nothing but suffering to the people around me. I know everyone says this, but for me it's true: the world would very much be a better place without me.
Sometimes I wonder if suicide is my just punishment. I deserve to suffer. Is it more just to force myself to live in agony for the next ~60 years or to kill myself?
I don't know why I'm posting here. I don't deserve any sympathy from anyone. I made my decisions to get here. I've done horrible things. Maybe a bottle if sleeping pills is too good for me. I've always been terrified of hanging, the pain. But maybe I should make myself do it as one last act of reparation.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Middle of Iraq I lay in my bed tonight overseas on a in Iraq. The only thing on my mind is you, what you are doing, how you are doing, and if you ever think about me and what I'm doing. We dated for 3 years and I made the decision to enlist while you chose to go to college. We didn't end things but you slept around. 9 guys in a month. One of them was a close friend of mine. I still have suspicions you fucked one of my best friends but I will never know. I lay in my bed, and all I can think about is you. Not the hostile fire we have been receiving. Not the anti-mortar guns going off. Not the fact the base has enough food for one more day. I think about you. My heart still hurts. But it is all my fault right? Somehow I made you do it. Somehow I'm the bad guy. It's been 3 years this month, why are you still in my head and I'm heart? Why is it that at night when I'm alone with my thoughts you arrive in them. Why?
|
self.offmychest
|
Probably dropping out of college after 2 and 1/2 failed years I'm currently a senior, but if I stay I will not be graduating in the spring. And the worst part of it all is that none of my friends know that this is all happening.
It all started 2 years ago. There was the death of my grandmother, my friends mom passed away, my uncle killed himself, and then we had to put my 13 yr old dog down. And this all happened in a span of 7 weeks. That academic year was the worst 9 months of life. I rarely went to class or did any homework. Just spent my days in my room alone, making everything worse.
The next year wasn't bad, but I just couldn't escape the depression, the anxiety, and the self hatred. I still skipped a lot of classes and missed work, but managed to do alright.
Now comes this year. I'm living in a house off campus with three of my teammates (I play lacrosse), but I'm so good at hiding it all and can't manage to get this off of my chest that they don't know. I haven't done major projects, missed a lot of work and classes, and have just been an overall terrible student.
Today, somehow, word got to my mom that I haven't been going to one of my classes. Which I guess is good.
I've been given so many second chances, my parents have basically wasted tens of thousands of dollars on me and they're done with it. I'm scared shitless about what lies ahead, what people are going to think, how I'm going to make it up to my parents and everyone I've let down. I all I think about everyday is how big of a failure I am, how I don't deserve anything I've been given, and just waiting for it to all end. There's no one left to offer any help because I've needed it every semester, now it's just not worth it anymore.
It's just so embarrassing having to drop out because you can't do it. When nobody knows the struggles I go through everyday and it's not like I can just tell them what's up, and even if I do, all I'll get is their pity, which just feels awful.
I have no idea what to do and I've never been this scared.
|
self.depression
|
Bloody terrified of finding a job? please Help Hey guys, i'll get straight to the point.
I'm 22 and have never worked in my life. Thing is, i'm bloody terrified of finding a job and i have no idea why. I find myself shaking, sweating and overall not being able to work up the courage when trying to apply for jobs. I made a phone call the other day about a job and i was literally whispering in a shaky voice to the lady on the other end. I started crying after i hung up the phone. I'm so pathetic.
They all seem to search ambitious, extroverted, experienced people and i'm not any of these three things. I have tried working online but i just can't bring in enough money.
I live with my parents, i'm in university and thats going pretty good. I do all the house cleaning, i do all the cooking and help out as much as i possibly can but they just can't seem to stop whining that i have to find a job. I made it very clear that i'm taking baby steps and have some sort of phobia and they just don't care.
This old woman right here threatened to throw me out too and i feel so lost. I'm sick and tired of being dependent on them and don't know what to do. The pressure they put on me is making everything way way worse.
I feel so weak and pathetic. Please, advice. Has anyone ever been in my shoes?
|
self.Anxiety
|
My time is up I’ve been dealing with this battle of depression for almost my whole life. Add that with anxiety and ptsd and the overwhelming feelings of suicide I think it’s about time to end this. I feel so empty and can’t see things getting better. I’m so alone and no one around me gives a damn. Not even my family. Please I just need this all to end.
|
self.depression
|
black coffee red wine seltzer water | greek yogurt raw cranberries | every day I'm lucky [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Terrified to fly next weekend because it is peak flu season and it is 'close to epidemic levels' in areas of my state [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety attack at work Yesterday at work I was yelled at by a customer and I had an anxiety attack. I dealt with the customer properly and finished my shift but broke down in the car on the way home. All I kept thinking is I gotta get out of here, I won't make it if I stay.
So I'm working on changing my profession before I run away. Any suggestions on dealing with the attacks in the work place? It may take a while to find a new job, so I'm stuck here meanwhile.
|
self.bipolar
|
Seeing things but not seeing things? Does anybody else see or hear things when they are in a anxious state? Nothing serious but like a tick or a thud or a cough and maybe see stuff out of the corner of your eye? Does it make you panic more?
Also does anybody hear or see something thats normal and that’s really there but still panic because the thought it might not be?
Can somebody message me with the same symptoms please? I need closure!!
|
self.Anxiety
|
DAE just get very irritable as soon as they get home? I don’t know why this happens to me. I can feel somewhat okay during the school day, but as soon as I step back into my house, I feel irritable and depressed again. It happens all the time. Any similar experiences?
|
self.depression
|
I recently turned 25 two days ago. My life is not going well and I feel trapped. I have been wishing to die for some time. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
"Show some Spunk" I have been in rough spot these past couple of months but this past week has been pretty good even had a job interview. Thought i did pretty well but i also thought i bombed it because doubting myself is second nature now, but she called me back the next morning for another phone interview set for tommorow. She also said i needed to Show Some Spunk and that has been the hardest fuckin thing to wrap my head around, I really need this job and im trying use it as motivation but its easier said than done. I know its just as easy as showing a little spunk, acting chipper or faking it for thirty minutes but that seems like the hardest thing in the world right now. Maybe im overthinking it but i cant stop replaying it in my head.
Has anyone been through something similar or have any advice
|
self.depression
|
I think this is the first time I think this is the first time my bipolar has truley crossed into mania. Past few weeks I've been having what can only be described as my experience yesterday: I was europhic, decided to cut myself because I wanted to feel pain. No real reason, and I wasn't in anyway depressed. I just did it. I had the urge to do everything. I had the urge to grab the rest of my DOB just because. I had paranoia but it wasn't. It was "I think someone is watching me but whatever". I don't think this is full blown mania but every episode I've had is starting to cross the line of hypomania to mania. I get incredibly depressed, a week later the mania is stronger. Next the depression is. Next mania is. The mood swings are getting worse.
|
self.bipolar
|
Totally inappropriate So sometimes when I am super lonely, depressed, and bored I enjoy a lot of "alone time". Well, its not even that I am enjoying it, more like I distract myself by getting off a lot. This can't be a normal way to cope. I'm thinking maybe because I recently stopped drinking and I don't smoke or do drugs that this is kinda like a crutch or something??
|
self.depression
|
Some words from someone coming out of a depression [removed]
|
self.depression
|
Work and depression How have you learned to accommodate permanent depression around your working life?
|
self.depression
|
Looking for advice about anxiety and college I’m a senior in college and I had a really bad episode two years ago and missed a semester of school. Ever since coming back I have lacked motivation and struggled to barely pass my classes because the anxiety is crippling. I see a counselor but it hasn’t helped much and I can’t seem to find a way to make things work. Any advice would be appreciated.
|
self.Anxiety
|
New year, same old pain Wish I could catch a break
|
self.depression
|
jealous of situational depression i see lots of people who post on this sub and irl who talk about how they’re depressed over a certain thing like a break up or death of a loved one. i know this stuff can ruin a person for good but a lot of the time people move on from this situational depression as time goes on. i wish i had something to get over. nothings happened in my life right now, no events or trauma, and i’m still so fucking depressed. i feel like i have nothing to get over. time can’t heal me because i feel like time isn’t even passing.
|
self.depression
|
Anyone else forget their meds this morning? https://i.imgur.com/c2FID0a.gifv
Had a really weird day. Started well, bought a fresh pound of coffee, watched some Olympics, but when I went to the bike shop where I volunteer, I just started getting weird. It peaked with working with a young guy who was clearly kind of high on meth(It happens at a bike co-op. Not that unusual). We worked well enough together, he was super friendly too. Coupled with forgetting my meds, it just started the day down a weird spiral of instability and cycling). I don't even know why I'm posting since I've started coming down, and I'll be good, but I don't have anyone else to talk to, let alone someone that I could tell without just dropping a world of out-of-nowhere baggage on purely by telling them why.
Thanks to anyone that just reads this.
*If anyone ever needs talking down, or someone that gets it, feel free to message me any time. The Reddit app is incredibly slow, but I'll always get back to you.
|
self.bipolar
|
If you don’t like my room then stay out of it dad. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Don't forget people, one on one therapy with a professional helps!
|
self.depression
|
28/f - I really need some open minded female friends to confide in right now I don't feel actively suicidal but i'm stressed and overwhelmed and confused, and dealing with a suicidal person, and I'm just having a terrible time.
I'm Korean American, in nursing, 28, female. I'm just wanting some girl friends. I use discord. Please.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Getting married and BP1 So I’ve been with my SO for awhile and he asked me to marry him and I was so sure and quick to respond YES that I didn’t really allow the reality to sink in all the way. A little back story; Was with ex from 17 years old to 29 years old, married have two kids ages 9 and 11, divorced when I was 30. He couldn’t handle my BP1 diagnosis and the inevitability of my mental illness disability. It is what it is, I am better off actually having people who support me no matter my mental state. They are few and far between but they do exist. Fast forward, found a GREAT man. Super supportive. Loves me and all of my crazy, encourages me to do things I couldn’t do when I was with ex (or alone) and is literally helping me be my very best self. Improvements are everywhere. I needed someone to help me out of the early grave that I dug for myself and he did just that. I can see myself spending forever with him and that is my intention..
Why am I so nervous?! Like every day closer to the date I get a little more nervous. What am I going to do if he doesn’t show up? He’s got a big wedding planned. What if he figures out in a day or a week or 6 months or 6 years down the road he decides to give up like my ex did? I am nauseous just thinking about this shit. And like I keep having these nightmares where I’m standing in my dress in front of everyone and he’s standing in front of me and then he gives this crooked smile and like unzips himself and it’s really my ex and I wake up immediately. I hate myself for even posting that, he’s probably reading this. But damn man, my brain is fucked up because of these thoughts. They’re always so negative. It sends me into places I don’t want to go. Why does my brain play on a time loop? Like I find a time I subconsciously want to focus on I guess and bam; I’m stuck. Being with my ex is NOT a time loop I want to be stuck in. My mindfulness strategies are not working for this and I don’t know why? Help.
|
self.bipolar
|
No. (My Current Mantras and Yours?) I won't get discouraged every time I lose out to discrimination.
I won't move back in with my parents, even if I can't perform at my new job and can't pay rent.
I will not stop trying to have a meaningful career just because I am only semi stable 1/2 the time, and fully non functional the rest.
I will not feel lesser for not completing my degree. I know I would have, if these circumstances didn't make it too time consuming and expensive.
But holy hell will I cry. I will cry and lean on my friends because this all sucks so much and every day I'm either numb or hurting so much I wish I could be numb. But that doesn't mean I am alone, or that I will give up. Fuck that.
Shout out: what are your mantras?
|
self.bipolar
|
Everytime I hang out with friends, after a certain amount if time I have a sudden urge to disappear from the group so I always stay in the back incase needed. This time it was a sleepover and I left at 2am only making everyone worry since I didn’t reply until almost a day later. why am i like this? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Motivation to seek help Does anyone find that finding the motivation to seek help for depression is a catch 22?
Whenever I'm down I see no point to looking for help, when I'm up I convince myself I don't need it as I feel better
|
self.depression
|
Broke up with GF, been depressed as hell I tried to get back with her, she has doubts and stuff and I know she loves me a lot. Some stupid differences that she sees apperantly cant let her have a relationship or something.
Havent talked to her in a week to give her space or whatever, i feel like complete crap. Cant sleep well, dont want to even eat.
I think she is the one and I lost her.
|
self.depression
|
I don't want to feel this way, I just do. I don’t want to feel this way, I just do. I know what you see. I’m lying in bed with the covers pulled up around me. It’s four o’clock in the afternoon, but here I am. “I think it’s time for you to get up,” I hear you say, and as much as I wish I could follow your suggestion, my limbs refuse to move. They feel heavy, like my blood stream turned to lead while I was sleeping. You’re not the only one yelling at me though. I can hear the anxiety that screams in my head, “Get up, you’re so lazy, you have so much to get done, and you’re just lying here!”
Somehow, my head manages to flop to the side, where, through barely opened eyes, I can see the piles of work that I haven’t touched laying on my desk, I can see how the rest of the room looks like a tornado passed through, ravaging everything in its path, and I can see you pleading with me to at least eat something.
There is nothing that I want more than to be able to do that.
It’s not that I want to lay in my bed and feel this way. It’s not that my bed is just so cozy, that I couldn’t bear to part with it. It’s that I have to lay in my bed until the inexplicable sadness that has washed over me has disappeared, even though I know it’s only gone for now. But at the same time, I want to get all of my work done and my room cleaned so that my head will finally stop screaming at me and telling me that I’m lazy and worthless; without understanding that it is dragging me deeper into the pit of depression. My depression and anxiety are fighting a war inside of my head, and it is never clear to me which side will win.
When my anxiety finally realizes that it is probably going to lose this war, it throws in its best effort. I start to remember all of the stupid words that have come out of my mouth, all of the times that I have tripped up the stairs in front of people and any other embarrassing memory that it can throw at me. This is where my depression works alongside my anxiety, keeping my limbs leaden so that I am forced to remember everything that my anxiety wants me to remember. It’s times like these where I wonder if my anxiety and depression are secretly scheming together to make me even more miserable than when this all started. If they are, then they’re doing a good job.
I wish more than anything that my mind and body would get along. I wish that I wasn’t always so sad and that I actually felt like doing something. I hate that feeling like this has diminished the value of my friendship because I can’t keep it together long enough to actually leave my house sometimes.
|
self.depression
|
Put the belt up, tried twice but I couldn’t go through with it [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Depressive episodes are much weirder to deal with when you have an office job After a doing contract jobs for a while, I decided to take a job at an office. 4 months in, I'm (finally?) having an depressive episode and it's so much weirder to deal with than while in school or at my contract jobs (which were too intensive for me to be able to waste away in an episode... hence my interest in them). But in a casual, slower paced environment, it's much easier to mull in them.
So I come off as a dick. Even though people know me well enough to know this isn't normal.
I just wish I could say "My silence doesn't mean I'm upset at you" or "I am trying to get this project done. It's just going a little slower than usual."
I really just wish I could say "I'm sorry. This isn't me. It's my brain, and it will be over soon enough."
Any tips on how to deal with an episodes during the work day?
|
self.bipolar
|
Cancer takes more than lives On October 28 my mom died. She was still very young. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer just 5 weeks earlier. She fought it. She fought hard. No one should ever have to fight that hard to beat a disease. She became paralyzed from the waist down just a week into treatments. She's the strongest person I have ever known.
All this happened just as I was coming out of a 7 year battle with anxiety and depression. Life was going swimmingly. We were making plans for her to take time off work and partially retire to spend time with her four year old grandson. Planning trips that she'll now never be able to take.
This isn't about me. But it's rocked my world. I'm a professional man, deal with stressful situations daily. I look normal and like I've got my stuff together on the outside. But inside I'm about to break down. Thank goodness I have a therapist and Xanax.
She was a woman of faith. Even until the last day of consciousness she was telling me and my family that she was going to be ok. She just needed to rest up for a little bit.
She went into hospice care. Wanted to stay home so she could see the sunrise and sunset and birds.
So I handled her meds. Oral morphine. Talk about the worst feeling in the world. Dosing my own mother with more and more morphine hour after hour to keep her from writhing in pain. The last dose I gave to her, 90 minutes before I watched her take her last breath, I whispered in her ear, through the tears, 'I'm so sorry mama, I'm so sorry for this.'
I'm so broken. I can't eat, I can't sleep.
I don't want to go back into the same hole I just climbed out of. I'm fearful I will. Why do things like this happen to the angels in our world? The people that wouldn't harm a fly or talk negative about even the darkest soul?
|
self.depression
|
Transferred then terminated on my first day. I must have spent weeks getting this job ready and I specifically traveled 8 miles both ways to make orientation. Suddenly I'm required to be there at 3am in the pitch darkness of South Yonkers. So i take the last bus there and arrive about midnight. I wait outside the facility until almost two before I gave up. Requested a transfer to a closer location and what I received was a termination, and to find there's no openings at the location I requested. So I lost the job I had to not get the job I transferred for. I'm running a bath now. Gonna have a nice long cut and hopefully pass out. Goodbye everyone. It was terrible to live.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Just felt like writing something Every time I open my eyes the effort it takes increases.
The more I wish I could close my eyes forever.
Alas having this desire is considered to be unacceptable.
So I struggle endlessly through all the pain.
Fleeting moment of happiness only add to this.
They make the ceaseless pain that much more excruciating.
I ponder and ponder about how to end the pain.
Each trail of thought always leads me to the same supposedly unacceptable answer.
There is only one way to indefinitely end the suffering.
That is to end my life.
|
self.depression
|
i can't remember a time i wasn't overwhelmed i don't even know where to begin this and im throwing grammar out the door because who the fuck even cares at this point
im at an age where i know im allowed to not know what i want in my life but how the fuck does that make me any more comfortsble not knowing what i want? i just want to be the strong happy person i am during most days all the time and im so fucking tired of anxiety and mood swings and suicidal ideation u know what the fuck i mean?? and im so sick of fucking talking about it, and im so tired of the circles i just want everything to fuckingend and for everyone to leave me be. i question if anyone in my life means anything to me. i question if i'm safe and happy or secure with the people i choose to trust, and its so fucking lame that i want nothing more than to be independent but im terrified of being abandoned. can anyone tell me what it means when someone can't follow through on apologies? can anyone tell me how i'm supposed to juggle the strain of someone mentally ill and the strain of taking care of my relationship w my s/o like he deserves? i just want to cry for hours with someone to hold me but theres 11 days before someone can hold me and i have no outlet here. i'm so fucking tired of my life going in circles when do i hit the drain
|
self.offmychest
|
Hard time speaking? Idk if this is because im on concerta/abilify/depakote and clonazepam but when im in a good mood and trying to talk to people its hard for me to form sentences and i forget words easily. Then I panic because i fear i sound stupid and try again. Honestly i think it happens more when im a tad manic. Holding a decent conservation has become so difficult. Does anyone else have this problem?
|
self.bipolar
|
Beginner to Bipolar: “Coming Out”; having a healthy relationship; other balancing options. I am a 25F, Bipolar II After being told by multiple professionals for years that i may suffer from bipolar II disorder, i finally took action this september after finishing the Bojack Horseman series. I had written five suicide notes in the process of one of my down cycles that month. I knew it was time.
I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, whom i originally was unable to see until december, but got put on a cancellation list and wedged my way in three weeks ago.
She prescribed me Lamotrigine, and so far it seems to be doing it’s job, and by that I mean, i havent noticed anything negative about it yet.
Over thanksgiving weekend, i did have a pretty crazy mental breakdown. Something i hadnt experienced in a year or so, and brought on by something very strange—seeing an old customer from an establishment i was fired from (that i also have a lot of shame about working at). My boyfriend was at a loss. I was blubbering and couldnt articulate anything i was feeling. I basically cried myself to sleep in hysterics while he rubbed my back and held me.
As supportive as he was at the time, he eventually had to ask the question any normal person would, of...what the FUCK *was* that?
Which is where i told the first person outside of a therapist that i am manic, and learning how to deal with it.
I realized at this moment that I have to “come out,” to everyone i still want in my life, as bipolar.
Since turning 18, i have moved every 6-12 months, making it difficult for anyone to get close to me or see my “other side” and if anyone did manage to see it, I would be gone in time for it to really settle in that i needed to deal with it. I burned bridges everywhere i moved. I am still haunted by some of the things i did, or the way i swept my condition under the rug, and now I am coming to terms with it all.
The only parent that was close to me growing up is a schizophrenic. She has selective memory, and chooses to believe what she wants to, not what is true, or even what has been most recently told to her. She lives in her own delusions, and doesnt believe that certain people “deserve” to feel depression because their lives arent depressing. For someone that has a crippling mental illness, she sure loves to discredit other mental illnesses.
My other parents, my father and his wife, really dont know me well enough to know any different between what is normal and abnormal behavior for me. My dad used to believe that because my down swings (which were misdiagnosed as depression before) weren’t real because they didnt look like his mother’s, or my mother’s, depression. & when you are 18, and dont know your dad very well, you just want to be accepted, so i started to believe i didnt have a problem, too.
Now, Christmas is coming up, and I am going to see my family. Previously, one of biggest problems has been lying or deceiving the people around me so that I dont have to be open and vulnerable. But i want to change my ways. I am finally in a relationship that i want to save and be healthy in. I want to be honest with my parents, my good friends, and my partner in who i am, why i have done things in the past, and how i am trying to improve.
Does anyone have experience with “coming out” to your loved ones about your mania? And if you havent, why didnt you?
—
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm so frustrated and horny and tired of not having a good sex life because of my fetish Obviously my throwaway name is relevant. I have a tickling fetish. I prefer to be ler but I'd be interested in being a lee to try it.
I'm just so frustrated because the few times I've posted about this online, I've gotten hordes of people telling me that as kinks go, it's really pretty vanilla, and they'd be really surprised if no partner of mine were ever willing to try it. But NONE ever has been. All my high school boyfriends were super not into it. The three people I've long-term dated as an actual real adult have been super not into it.
I'm starting to actually really consider breaking up with a great new guy I'm interested in because I am just not satisfied. We have sex and I'm extremely attracted to him, but he goes down on me or fingers me and I just don't give a shit. It doesn't feel good, I'm just pressured. The other day I got frustrated with myself, and where lots of times I'd ask him to stop after like 15 minutes of gallant effort and take care of him, I just took care of myself by blatantly jacking off. Which I mean I still got him off after, but usually he likes to help me and I just fucking wanted to cum.
I just really fucking want someone to be willing to put up with something they only half like. I know that's terrible, I know that's pushy and rapey and demanding, but I don't know, as a partner I have ALWAYS tried to do what my partners liked. Want a public blowjob (hidden)? Sure, it's a thrill. Like me to slap your ass? Happily.
The guys I've dated have all been really accepting of other light kinks - I like a hand on my neck or my hands held back during sex, for instance. But the thing is that I don't necessarily want someone super duper kinky. I lead a decently vanilla, slightly rough sex life except for this one thing, which is INCREDIBLY frustrating.
I really like this current guy in ALL other respects, but at this point I have never had a satisfying sex life, EVER. I have seriously considered fetlife, but the thing is that I don't just want to be tickled by some random creepy older man. It has to be someone I'm attracted to, just like any other sex-related thing.
I guess I'm just really frustrated that it really feels like I'll never get what I need and be unhappy forever. I know Reddit isn't the general population, and I'm not surprised, but I feel like everything I've read on here has misled me. I believed it wouldn't be a kink that was outrageous or creepy or out of line, and it is SO important to me.
|
self.offmychest
|
Waking up Every morning I just think "fuck my life, fuck this shit" when I wake up. I really don't want to wake up most days
|
self.depression
|
Jealous I'm in a groupchat and some people are being super nice and supportive to each other. It is sweet and adorable. I'm just so jealous. I want to feel that loved.
|
self.depression
|
Redditors who are just keeping yourselves alive because you don't want to hurt loved ones, how do you do it? I apologise in advance if this post is uninteresting. English isn't my strong language, please bear with my grammatical errors.
Quick background description: I'm 21, living in a SouthEast Asian country. I've been abused by my mother from ~6 to 15 years old. In an Asian country like mine, it's really hard to be taken seriously when you say you've been "abused" because corporal punishment is common practice here, however my mother had depression and bipolar disorder hence her punishments are generally unjustified(e.g usually in the country if your child misbehaves you might hit them with a coat hanger. After my mother smacked me around a bit, she would make me kneel on the floor for 3 hours and when that was up, I would have great difficulty walking because my legs were so numb) and my friends will usually ask me question's like "it's already been 6 years, why can't you just get over it?" Or "she's your mother, and she had issues of her own, you should forgive her" and I know I should but it's so difficult to it still hurts a lot and recently I feel like the depression may have come back full force and I'm really scared. But I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just lazy. Im sorry if my sentence's don't make sense. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just trying to get sympathy from whatever place I can get it from. Redditors who can sympathise, have you had experience's similar to this and how do you cope with it?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Open Relationships for Bipolar sex drives Kind of curious about something.
It's no secret a lot of us have very high sex drives. I spent 11 years in a semi-open relationship (We were both allowed to have sex with women, but no men. Ex wife is bi). Most of the time that just ended up in a lot of threesomes so I could do my thing (our thing) without anyone getting hurt.
I'm about to re-enter the dating world, and I think I want a monogamous relationship, but if she can't keep up, it's just going end in frustration for me, and her feeling bad that she's not enough (speak from experience). The women I'm interested in I'm really interested in. Like I really like and respect these women and don't want to screw it up. Both are aware I'm bipolar, but only one knows I was in an open relationship, but she doesn't know details. What she does know makes her feel like she won't be enough, but she will be...at first. Can't say over the long term as like a lot of us I've bounced from partner to partner having "high risk" sex. I was never completely open with my wife about my history. She had ideas, and I would say things, but I lied about my number and kept it low.
Two questions: Has anyone else been in an open relationship that worked out well (Not the reason or the divorce)?
Should I just try monogamy, see how it goes, then if she can't keep up discuss opening it? Women how would you feel about being asked this question? This is not just me trying to get laid as much as possible. If I wanted that I would stay single. It's just to my experience the only girl that could keep up was also bipolar, but she still got hurt.
Should I just stay with one woman and deal with the fallout from a higher than usual sex drive?
I will not cheat. No matter how intense it gets I won't do it, but it does mean me being unhappy sexually, especially when manic and my decision making isn't at it's greatest. Even then did not cheat, but with ex-wife I didn't have to cheat, which quite honestly I find revolting (I've been cheated on, and if you haven't guessed it was the bipolar girl and it hurt. If she had told me and we opened things up it may have been different but she lied. She was also aware of the open relationship prior and knew it was an option but chose to lie).
I really do want to be with one woman, and that's it, but historically that doesn't work out.
Can anyone suggest any other outlets for the higher sex drive that isn't watching porn? Anyone done anything that helped? I really like these women. The live pretty far aware. One I've been talking to for a few months. The other about a month.
I'm using a throw away since they know my username and I don't want them thinking they are in competition, or that I'm so out of control that I can't contain it, but I need ideas on outlets for this. I will try almost anything to keep it in check Since former methods probably won't be an option.
|
self.bipolar
|
Why should o live, when i don"t even have a reason to? I dont wanna live for others sake, just so they won't be sad when i'll kill myself.
|
self.depression
|
Need to find a doctor for my GF My girlfriend God love her is depressed. She's undiagnosed bipolar I'm sure hell there really aint a whole lot of normal in any aspect when it comes to her.
She MIGHT have gotten obamacare when I did my paperwork for it last year. I believe I got an insurance card but I don't recall ever seeing hers but idk.
Anyways I'm just not sure where to start. She needs counselling but we live paycheck to paycheck already...I know her meds will cost some $ but it's worth it to see her happy again....but therapists are expensive she can talk to me or anyone I don't really care (I'm joking I know a good psychiatrist would be awesome)
She needs a general physical checkup and to be started on some type of antidepressant. I'm thinking lexapro I took it over 10 years ago it was pretty soft on me I remember. Honestly could use some seroquel for sleep at nights. She Will sleep 16-18 hours a day if I let her but she has no healthy schedule ie could not lay down at 10 and be up in the morning . we both could use w prescription for gabapentin (and a benzo as needed but that will never happen since we have addiction issues )
Finally got her to get a job she started last week. Proud of her for that but I can tell it's stressing her out .
I just want my baby back. Hurts me too knowing she is sad inside and I can't fix it
We are in New Orleans if that helps
|
self.depression
|
Anxiety is waiting to look at someones Snapchat story for 3 hours after they post it because otherwise you think you look like a creep.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does your partner know you have anxiety? Are they supportive?
|
self.Anxiety
|
My life's decline in inspiration I used to be such an optimist, looking brightly on the future. I had so many ideas, inventions, all the things i wanted create. I felt I could change the world by bringing my ideas to life. My ideas inspired me, moved me to act upon them, and share them with others. I felt I would use my inventive talent to make something wonderful and retire early and spend the rest of my life inventing.
I haven't had a single idea for an invention in months. The last type I had an idea for something that really hyped me up was about a year ago. My friends are starting to drift apart from me. I'm becoming more and more of a social outcast. I realize I'm in the same cycle -- get up, go to school, go home, homework, sleep -- with all the time in between consumed mindlessly on the internet.
I think poorly of the future. It is no longer a shiny world full of wonder and miracles helped shaped by me, but instead a bleak world wherein chaos and grief strikes all its inhabitants.
I'm looking for help. I want so badly that spirit, that flame, that drove me forward. I want to be the guy who does great things. I want to invent, create, and feel happy again.
|
self.depression
|
I don't need you to light up my world. Just sit with me in the dark. [removed]
|
self.depression
|
Took a methylphenidate pill to escape my life that is falling apart Family still hates me, they love my cousin not me, I'm addicted to these pills, had first mental breakdown of the week (It's only Monday 3.49 pm).
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Just venting a little about christmas I had a bad Christmas, I went to my mom's house and celebrated it with her, her partner and a neighbor that was going to be alone so my mom invited her. That lady made me feel a little uncomfortable, she was nice but it was like she didn't really wanted to be there, her laugh sounded fake (oh do I know about fake laughs and smiles). My mom was trying to have a good time, she is a nice person and was trying to make me laugh and make conversation but I was... Sad. I felt sad all dinner (we celebrate Christmas the 24 at night) and I wanted to leave the house so bad. Not because of her but because I didn't wanted to ruin her Christmas with my silence and awkwardness. I was desperately thinking what to say, what to talk about and try to be happy but I just couldn't. And my mom's partner wasn't helping, he doesn't like me. He always makes hurtful jokes, he says things like "we are like this un this house, get used to it" and then laughs to make it sound like a joke. Also in the morning I said good morning to him and he said shut up in a rude tone, then laughed again to make it sound as a joke. Also I told him that I was planning to buy a pyrographer to make crafts to sale and he told me that at my age I should know what to do with my life already (I'm 23 and I don't study or work because of my depression and anxiety). That made me feel like the most useless person. My mom tries to ignore his comments to not fight.
So that, I went back home as fast as I could and cried a lot. I feel so alone and a waste of time. I don't want to feel sad anymore.
Sorry for my bad English. I hope you had a better Christmas.
|
self.depression
|
Twerking/grinding is dumb. I live in a Caribbean neighborhood and there's a dance form called 'wining' which is basically like grinding. Basically rubbing your ass/twerking against a man's crotch to music. It's so fucking dumb and I don't see the point or how anyone can find it fun. I know as a female I would literally not get ANYTHING out of that and it's a waste of energy. So the only reason I can think girls expend all that energy over something so pointless is because they never get attention in real life except when they're at those dumb parties and men are willing to rub their dick against those girl's asses. It's the only time they can get male attention. I just don't understand how it's fun to twerk/grind your ass against a random guy's crotch at all.
|
self.offmychest
|
Word Vomit Take me to outer space, where my mind can drift away. Where my ego, can escape this rotten brain. Where i can finally see the sun. I remember seeing it when I was young. It got replaced with something much darker, something that stole who I once was. I miss who i used to be. Depression can you please set me free? With each passing year I slowly fade away. I forget who I am, it's like this sickness has become me. I'm just a sad person desperately clinging for something to make me happy. Everything sucks and when I look into the mirror I don't recognize the face looking back at me. Was I always this ugly, did I always look so exhausted, did i always look so pathetic. I wonder if depression clouds my mind or if it lifted the veil of who I actually am, just a sad and pathetic loser who isn't good at anything. Please for the love of god someone help me bite the bullet cause I'm getting to beat down to handle it.
|
self.depression
|
It sounds so stupid, but I've been getting so much anxiety everyday before my math class. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Turnout: Thoughts About an Absurd Life, Written Without Much Research, in a Snarky and Edgy Way, Ironically, in Order to Avoid Confronting These Issues Seriously and Taking Responsibility for Said Written Thoughts We always have a choice, and we must always make choices. And as we walk along the tracks, we make choices we regret. Sometimes we think, “If only I had done this,” or “If only I had done that.” “If only I hadn’t said this thing.” “If only I had noticed sooner…” One decision you make can derail you from your destination, and you can’t turn back from that altered path. Before you know it, you find yourself walking along tracks that you never imagined you would find yourself at, and you say, “Where did it go wrong? I am tired. Enough…”
A reset sounds like a godsend then. It would be more than nice to go back and get to do it all again. But what makes you think you could go back, much less with your recollection of what to do differently? The world does not favor you so. If you ever could go back as the person you were, you would not keep your memories, and you mostly likely would have made the same decisions. You always have a choice, but you will always make that one choice. You will always make those particular choices, and you had made that set of choices.
Some people are hardened by cruelty. Others are shaped by it and become limber and mellow. Some become hermits and carve out cramped cold caves in which to live day to day on their whims and hobbies, fleetingly meeting others with feigned grace before retreating to what hurts the least. Others go into the storm and hurt others and get hurt themselves, day in, day out, for years.
And at the end of the day, you never really existed. (And I am never right. Not having existed, and not even being a true student of philosophy, what can I truly say about existence?) Whatever was real to you, your regrets, joys, insecurities, experiences, how much of that can you say will truly live? When our minds end, our realities end just as we know them, and we had only existed as long as we were propped by an ephemeral state of being. “Meaningless, everything is meaningless.” I think King Solomon said that. Have you ever tried to keep a journal entry? How hard was it to fully one-hundred percent encapsulate your life even for one day? Can you truly live as static words when you are ever dynamic and not just one person, a multiverse in your own right? Can you live through the memories of others? What is your estimate of how much your mother truly knows you? Can you say without a doubt that she knows over 80% of all of you, all of your selves, contradictions, dark, dark, seething thoughts, noble intentions, and whimsies? You never told her you had a leather fetish. You never even told her that your lizard that died in 8th grade died not from improper heating but because it bit your thumb and you, yelping, ran it under hot water for a bit too long after it released its jaw.
What we can communicate is only a few sprays of a plastic water gun from an ocean. We can shout at each other from the ends of long narrow tunnels and we will only hear garbled whispers, riddled with static and white noise. And we will only be remembered by these whispers. And yet, people still try so damn hard to truly live, whatever that means, and to live forever. Presidents write memoirs. Fathers and Mothers are burned and their ashes are thrown onto Disneyland rides. Adam Sandler acts in B-movies as family men with regrets and bucket lists. Hippies are decomposed under trees, in hopes of reincarnation. Newport Beach millionaires go to weekly spin classes. Peter Thiel invests in startups that regularly inject the blood of young men into his middle-aged body.
What a cruel, absurd life, to never really exist even though this facade is all you are and have and it is ever so brief, and in many people’s experiences, not quite totally satisfying or fulfilling. “Happy.” Others can never fully break the facade for you. And to know it was all for naught when it all passes. Was it? I don’t know. The wise men don’t know. The wise men followed a star and brought expensive gifts of gold, myrrh and frankincense to a baby, and in 33 years they were probably all dead by then. They probably never saw what happened, never heard that the baby had been crucified by the Romans.
But when my father finds white streaks in his stool regularly over the course of a few weeks, and bumbles through the jungle of Health Net insurance to schedule a CT scan and MRI sooner than he had expected, when he lays a jacket over his lap because he’s cold when it’s 72 degrees and watches videos on the smart TV obsessively to distract himself from the possibility of a third cancer diagnosis, I don’t want this to be the reality, not for him. When my father tells me that he thinks that when he dies he will never have existed, that this too is destiny, but he enjoyed spending the night with his son, and wants to live long enough to see my kids and to drive them around…. No cruelty or absurdity. No destiny, fuck destiny, I just want a happy ending, I just want a happy ending.
|
self.offmychest
|
Do you ever have days where the best thing you have to look forward to is a really satisfying, relieving poop? Today is one of those days for me. I have no long term goals, not many real friends, and not much to look forward to... but there’s always pooping, so that’s good I guess.
|
self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else feel like they’re just empty in their depressive episodes It just feels like I’m emptied out. I’m not sad or want to cry, i just don’t want to get out of bed forever until i stop existing. I can’t make any decisions, even small ones like which shampoo i should get, i can’t focus on anything, i can’t tell what day it is, i can’t articulate myself, i don’t know anything, i don’t remember anything, i don’t feel anything and when i feel suicidal i don’t want a whole drama, i just feel like I’m already dead inside and killing myself would be a right thing to do, like throwing out foods that already went bad. It’s really hard when my psychiatrist and therapist ask me “how depressed are you on a scale of one to ten” because a. I cant choose anything and b. It feels like ive always been this way, i cant remember what a 1 (as in least depressed) felt like. Im getting out of it so i feel like now i can finally have the energy to type up how ive been feeling. Is it what other depressed people feel like as well or is this something else
|
self.bipolar
|
Things Are Not Getting Better I have been depressed since 6th Grade, and now I'm a freshman in College. I've gotten therapy with multiple therapists over time span. I'm on medication that has also changed and gone through different psychologists over the years. Yet, nothing has changed. I've been suicidal since my depression started. When are things supposed to get better? I've learned coping skills, I have a support network, I've followed every play in the rulebook. I still want to kill myself. I've researched enough to know all the possible methods, and the most effective ways. I've gone to the hospital before due the concern of others. It didn't help. In a room where my dignity was stripped, I watched those with manic bipolar scream and jump all over the place, active while I sat in the corner and read a book. I don't have an obvious reason for being depressed. No trauma, no family history of depression or suicide. The only reason I struggle to kill myself is because I don't like the pain that comes before death, and it would hurt my family. I can't get motivated due to depression and am failing college. I may have to drop off and go home. But, I cant see myself living working a job that doesn't require a degree. I hate manual work. I hate retail. I want a job with stable benefits and enough money to live comfortably. Although it's all worthless if I'm sad anyways. I've been going through trial runs of killing myself. The supplies are always within reach. I've given my pet enough food to survive until my body is found. I know how to make sure emergency finds my body and not civilians to lessen trauma to others. (I know it wont mitigate all damage caused by my death, but I'll try my best). I'm never going back to the hospital so don't even try.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Someone to talk to I am just engulfed with anxiety right now. Heart rate is so high. Have so many thoughts racing thru my head. Asking for someone.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Americans, get your shit togheter instead of mobilizing on Reddit once a year [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I just want to tell everyone that I've been feeling much better. Pushing back on the anxiety and OCD everyday. Exposures exposures exposures. I've been hanging out with friends everyday. Not just isolating myself. And i just got done with a job interview that I believe went really well!! [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel like I have some major issues, but need to change before college. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
My credit score fell by 92 points :( I work my butt off to keep it nice & high for over a year. And I completely missed a small, tiny, single-digit charge and didn't see it and now all my hard work FOR A YEAR is worthless. One of the few good things I have going for me in my life has been wiped out. I am so fucking sick of this shit.
I worked so goddamn hard for this. And it's completely ruined.
Now I have to work my ass off FOR ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR to make this up. UGH.
I FUCKING STRUGGLE EVERY DAY AND IT'S USELESS.
|
self.depression
|
I might have done the unspeakable to my cousin without knowing it and I can't get it out of my mind. Summary: When I was 12 years old, I pinched my 6 year old cousin's nipples. I forgot about it for 8 years and suddenly I remember after all this talk of celebrity sexual assault cases and I feel terrible.
It was about this time that I started reading fucked up things online about how it's normal to be sexually active with your family. I don't know why I believed this stuff, but I did. For example, I remember forcing myself to fantasize about my aunt, but it doing absolutely nothing for me.
It didn't occur to me that children have no sexuality...we were playing tag and I remember trying to subtly pinch my cousin's nipples while suddenly grabbing her to see if it would illicit a reaction. She giggled at me and pinched mine back. This reaction made me realize how fucked up I was thinking and I snapped out of it... after this moment I forgot these thoughts entirely and never thought them again.
Looking back, I can't believe I did this. I would never do this. I tell myself there's no way she would remember it, and if she did, she would remember it as a joke, accident or an oddity, and not being taken advantage of. I have been an amazing cousin to her and we are quite close. I keep thinking about this every time I see her now. What have I done?
|
self.offmychest
|
How do SO's from people that have depression, and DID feel? So, I'm a person who struggles with depression and Dissociative Identity Disorder, besides the anxiety of all the mixing. Pretty much a fucked up person to deal with, as a gf. My bf is so caring and supportive, that I can't even be thankful enough. But sometimes I feel like all of it mit be too much for him, and that one day he won't be able to stand by my side anymore.
My question is to all of the SO's out there, who deal with a damaged SO. How do you hand in there? Do you bottle up everything inside? Do you think someday it will interfere with your future plans? (Life, family, etc)?
|
self.depression
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.