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Well I failed last night, I think I'm going to live stream myself getting dismembered tonight [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't get why people love Christmas Christmas is the fucking most depressing time of the year for me. It's been 19 years, and I've felt like that every single time. God I can't wait for the holiday season to end.
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self.depression
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Having a really bad day So here I am again, I can't seem to just get out of this hole, this has been going on for years and I just can't beat it. I'm sitting at work crying because I'm so upset. My girlfriend has been distant with me lately and i'm afraid she doesn't love me anymore. I love her so much and don't want to lose her. I also really hate my job, and coming here makes me so much more depressed. It's like the days drag on for so long, but when I finally get to go home and have some peace, the time goes by so quick and i'm right back at work again. I want to do more with my life, but I don't feel like I can, I just want to be happy, or I want an easy way out. I'm so tired of this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why am I still alive? I feel like everyone just wants me to die, have a funeral, and rest peacefully. My high school dean of students, decided to make a death threat to me and my assistant principal supported him by saying he has every right to say that. Teachers would constantly laugh at me, telling me nobody cares. My guidance counselor refused to help me and just made fun of me and told me to solve me issues myself. I have since graduated, but I have extreme ptsd. I would like to buy pills and take them until I die, and then the world will be so happy with me, as I died. Suicide hotlines are no help, they just tell me to go out with people who are way older than me. I think I would be happy stabbing myself to death. I just want someone to help me to the best of their ability and not last two days and give up on me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
At the mall, trying to stay calm. It's busy but not ridiculous. My aunt is shopping and I'm waiting to meet up with her, she doesn't have a cell phone!! So I just have to wait until our arranged time to meet. My anxiety keeps going up and down, and I just needed to vent, because it's so frustrating that I can't do something normal like go to the mall, without feeling some anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
|
Personal Low Point I'm not too sure what happened to me, something has thrown me of track. I did have the flu and missed my meds while I was sick. But I've been back on them for a week or so. I'm just so flat and I have lost interest in life, I can't be bothered even seeing or contacting my SO. I'm experiencing heavy suicidal ideation, all I can do is call life line (Australian service) and fight to stay alive, I'm wondering if I should go to ER as the suicide stuff is a bit full on for me, it's like I'm at peace with it - today is gonna be rough on me, it's a beautiful day and i have nothing in me to enjoy. I'
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self.bipolar
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How did you know that you were bipolar 100% .. I was diagnosed but still have my doubts .. what if it was only poor handling of emotions ? Maybe I just have low EQ ? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Alone on thanksgiving Didnt cook anything or even eat. Anyone else having a bad day?
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self.depression
|
Life for me is gonna fall apart and it'll be the end of me (this is my first post and I'm on mobile so sorry if the formatting is off)
So recently my parents have been on me (M 17) about getting a job, getting college information, SAT information, getting my licence and spending more time with the family. Tonight they both came at me and yelled about how I wasn't going to amount to anything and that I pretty much am ruining their current lives. They threw so much at me that it broke me and I broke down in the bathroom.
My only remedy for all this pain is my girlfriend. She's there for me no matter what and understands what I go through. Recently I've been slipping a little in my grades (All B's and C's) and my parents have a very strict rule that if I don't keep good grades I'll have to leave my girlfriend. My problem is that if I leave her I'll have nothing to help me get through hard times. I'm only living for her and I'll have no point to be around otherwise.
Sorry for venting but I've been wanting to post here for months but never felt as if my problems have been worth it.
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self.depression
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Long-term SSRI for MDD & GAD caused weight gain [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I want out of this box Does anyone else ever feel like you are trapped in an invisible sound-proof box? I walk around everyday carrying this box with me. People notice the space that I, and the box, take up. When I speak, they may acknowledge me. They take the things I give without much thought. Some appreciate my presence, my competence, my reliability. But they never really see me. They never really hear me. From outside my box, I sound and appear quiet, pleasant, and non-descript.
In reality, I am in my box screaming, shouting, ululating trying to be heard, to make enough noise so that my existence will register on someone’s radar so that someone will understand my pain, anguish, fear, rage, excitement, intense joy, or glee. I am painting the walls of my box with vivid colors and designs and projecting bright flashing lights through the cracks. Sometimes my paintings are intensely beautiful and the light is vibrant. Sometimes the paintings are dark and twisted and the light has an unpleasant strobe-like effect. It doesn’t matter because no one ever sees it. They just see soft bland faded pastels in cold unfeeling fluorescent lighting and they hear the faint tinny sound of elevator music, so easy to bypass and ignore.
Usually I go through the days yelling, dancing, and pounding my fists on the walls until I slump exhausted and despairing in the corner. A couple of times, I have been loud enough that some of my wildness has poked through the box’s seams and someone has noticed. They truly see me. I get so excited that I clamor and shine and paint with even more vigor than before, sending my s.o.s, trying to keep their attention. But the glimpse of my wildness, my intensity, freaks the person out. They reinforce the box’s walls, add extra tape to the seams, and back away slowly and nervously, making sure they won’t ever see the real me again. I collapse weeping and defeated in the corner of my box. I lay there, quiet, lifeless, abandoning all light, sound, and color for a time, too exhausted and broken to try to escape.
Eventually, I slowly pick myself up and start dancing and shouting and painting and shining my light again. Because I want out of the damn box, already. I want to be heard and accepted and understood. But each time I fall quiet and defeated, my voice grows a little more hoarse, my colors grow a bit more faded, and my light is a bit dimmer. If I don’t escape, eventually I will be absorbed by the box and all its blandness and, if someone finally opens it, they will find it quiet, dark, and empty.
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self.offmychest
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Can i just i just be numb I was getting better... Really bettwr, I was happy, I found a job, I thought people liked me,I liked my self(to an extent). But, then a girl came and I mindless hit on her and it became alittle fun thing.i have a really bad habit of going to fast, I rush things. Every time I get super attached and I have no control. But this girl we went. From zero to 100 in like a day... And then 100-zero after the weekend.... 4 days.... I was the happiest for four days. When she told me I wasnt really, let's say a "good candidate"(this aslo being a long distance thing.. I put even more into those) I spiraled... Back to high School level depression... I just became so worthless, to go from something to nothing so quickly. I didn't know if I'd survive such a hard spiral. Over the course of the month(started black Friday weekend) I'd just finished the semester and it was so stressful as I just didn't want to be there. I just wanted to lay in Bed... Being not the greatest student in the first place trying to pass college.... And. Balancing working to pay for college it was getting to me I had no days off... Even after the semester I needed to make money so I worked the whole break 7 days a week almost.. generally around Christmas time I get super lonley and depressed as no one's ever around... No friends and my family never is around at Christmas so I just stay at home alone... With everyone talking about being with their family's it kept getting to me... I wanted to slug a few people.. I kept turtling up at work .. staying quiet and just being invisible, I really cared about my work I care about anything I do and so i did everything as normally I just wouldn't call out on the radio anything I did. So still stressed out and even more depressed I just couldn't bare life... I didn't think I was going to survive much longer. I'd spend my time when I'm not at work laying in bed listening to music ... Eden and ajr really kept me going... Christmas Eve came about and my sister called me over to come stay the night and open gifts on Christmas... I felt like exess weight and it was my only day off so I thought id might as well... Oh yeah I didn't really sleep during this time or eat... I'd go days with out eating or sleeping . I started before black Friday 170.... By Christmas I was 150... Everyone said I looked good so 🤷♀️... Christmas Eve I got 4 hours of sleep.. my first time sleeping in 3 days.... We open presents ... Little happy... They go to her dad's I go home and sleep some more try and recover... She invited me to her dad's for dinner I say sure... I don't see them much and I'm really bad at remember anyrhing.. so I walk in to the house and it's super akward for me I can't even talk to people because I'm scared I don't know their names... At one point I just say I can't remember who any of you people are my memory is just shot... It.turns into a better night... Yay... And I go home 26-31st I work... Oh and add the fact I think I had that flu or had been on and off sick.. real fun winter sofar.to further add on to the girl I bought the girl some vynls too a while back she told me she didn't deserve them..can she see kept trying to say she wants me in her life... Which wasn't helping at the time, but now we are sorta friends.. I still like her.. as most girls I like.. but it causes some sadness not alot anymore at least. But forward to news years Eve..
... New years Eve....
I haven't had any sleep again since the night of Christmas day... I get to work at 6:45 pm ... I don't whwre leave till 6 am . For me my job went from this is great to this is a shit show... I clean glassware behind a bar ... And I kept my going...between changing 30 kegs of beer and keeping up with glassware for the better part of 3 hours I just couldn't keep up I was getting just hammered with glassware.. at one point the dish pit closed down because they all went home and I was the only one left standing ... Haven't aten or slept I just I had a mini break d own under the building.... I came back up because I knew I couldn't let anyone down ... It was a collosal shit show in my mind at points I just blacked out I don't remember significant parts of my night... I rembee at 5 I got cut because we had cleaned all the bar and everythjng. I had gone to the back room to sleep and try and recover ... I was only wearing a suit and I came to the point where I thought death would be a better way than to try and make it home in the freezing cold... I tried to wait till the train started again but was kicked out of the restaurant so we went to McDonald's where my coworker (super drunk) puked almost every where... He got a ride I had to wait for the train more thoughts of death... New year new me right? Maybe it be better if I was dead 😂😂😂... I endured the freezing cold and made it home at 10 am and just fell asleep hard.. I called in to see if they needed me at 2 because I felt responsible for the mess as to I was apart ofit ... They didn't need me, sigh or relif, still felt bad... for the next few days I spent working and preparing for school ...mostly in bed in pain from how much effort I did at new years... I kept having stress dreams(or what I think are) where I'd wake up in the middle of the night trying to clean glassware...I'd break down multiple times over the start I'd the semester... Then... Then I find this other girl.
...girl 2,...
We met through an app... Not a dating app, but any app is a hook app tbh... We hit it off ... I didn't really care much because she had a boyfriend so I was not even trying ... We talked I talk my self a bit we showed pics ... She wars really really cute. She even told me if she wasnt in a relationship she'd have sex with me... I some how got to the point of telling her what I'd do with her... My routine to make a girl have multiple orgasms.. and idk I guess she liked it ... Some how we furthered to the point of getting her to come over to cuddle...within 10 minutes we where having sex.. (not same... Maybe day 4 she had free time) at that point we talk everyday call every night ... Text every minute Snapchat the whole works...I was falling and I was falling hard ... She brought me up from a long depression. She was what I was looking for .. we would meet once a week for 3 weeks... I was gaining alot of emotion for her while she was confused ...her having s boyfriend and all that ... She told me she was going to break up with him as he was being emotionally and physically abusive ... So I kept going with it...huge fuck up on my end but I was thinking with me dick I guess...as per usual...I was getting to clingy and she wanted to just be friends(later determend she mentioned friend with benefits) but at this point I was getting cocky and didn't want to share so I asked if she wanted to date... She said maybe ... So she was soppouse to come over for the night (she promised ) and j got really mad at her when she broke that promise ... Not her fault but I just hate when people break their promises .... To many in the past have hurt me through breaking their words...and the walls where already there showing ... Possessive and pushy.. but also dramatic ...because I'm just messed up that way... I kept trying to keep her from leaving only pushing her away and her feeling sfor me dropped off a cliff and she got so distant and cold to me ... It hurt so much .. I was sort of prepared for the spiral but I had 12 break downs over the course of 4 days .. I couldn't take it I told her to try and be at least human to me ... I couldn't handle the coldness ...so she said she doesn't know she'll try... And every time I thought of her or she message me I just be sent into a mini spiral of depression... She was going to hawaai so I wanted to see her I went to see her and she was just not happy with it... She forgot we even made this plan.. ( I should have just left it there) but I kept trying and we'll she left.. I watch her walk away and she didn't look back...it made me so sad ....I went to an old classmates house and vented to her.... I just didn't know anymore ...I pretty much thought I just saw her walk into the sunset and she left...but we still talked during her trip ...again her being cold. I thought okay she just wanted to enjoy her trip... So she gets back and she breaks up with her boyfriend.. I pushed her out of my mind and felt happier when she was gone..talking to more people regaining my life back... She comes back and we had planned a Valentine's day thing which she was skeptical about ... She said she didn't feel like it so I said ok I'm heading to the island... She messages me on the first morning there she thinks she's pregnate...
We had unprotected sex so I kinda thought it was me because her bc ended the day before her trip .
But she told me she saw a dude before she left ... And I got super sad ...she told me " we weren't exclusive...which I thought we agreed no one else... But 🤷♀️🤷♀️I help her through the morning she made me promise not to come back unless she finds out that night if it's yes or no
It's a no
But like it still made me think she really wants me as a friend fine ... But she doesn't really care anymore I tried to push again to at least try... And we'll she would think about it...we do snap story every day
And every time I see it I get sad. .. when she's not st home or in another bed I feel like throwing up ... I just looked at one today and all I think about is her with a nother guy and j just want to break down but I want to try I really like her... I know it's not the best course of action to wait or see what she does but idk I'm just like I .. that week off of work and school was spose to help but all I did was come back into the same spot ... Why is it so easy to return back to rock bottom 😢
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self.depression
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My 24th birthday is tomorrow and I can’t stop thinking of committing suicide I’ll try to make this as short as I can. But long story short, I left an abusive relationship, left town and left all my friends. I was about to start nursing school on one day when everything hit the fan and I packed my bags and left. Now I’m back with my parents since October. For the third time. I’ve been through several relationships that have went down hill and have caused me trauma. Now I’m with a guy who is genuinely a good guy, I do love him but he has mental issues of his own and all my issues are weighing him down. I have physical health issues on top of depression, anxiety and ptsd. I can’t hold a job, I keep trying and failing. If it’s not my Health acting up, it’s my anxiety or depression that’s so bad I can’t even bring my self to leave my bed. That’s not what I want. I’m thinking of trying for disability but I feel like I’m just making excuses and don’t deserve it. I just lost my job after 3 weeks of having it and 3 months of finding it. I told my boyfriend they fired me for being a liability (which has happened in the past) but the truth is I walked out after having a bad situation with my health and getting sick at work. I felt embarrassed and felt like they were gonna fire me anyways. I know I should of stuck it out. But I didn’t.
I was about to move in with him, things were about to get good. My parents don’t even know I lost my job.
They think I was going to move out this weekend but my boyfriend told me he wants me to prove I can hold a job because he’s in no position to take Care of me, he can not mentally handle it. He told me he’s not happy and his anxiety is sky high because of all the pressure he’s under. He told me he does love me and wants this to work but he feels like I’m not trying.
The thing is I can’t tell if I’m trying or not. Some days I feel like I am then others I can’t make proper adult decisions because I’d rather just lay in bed and pretend not to exist.
I feel like such a burden to my family and my boyfriend. I feel like I’m ruining something that could of potentially been good. I feel as if the world might be better off with out me. Monday is my birthday and I keep getting this intrusive thought over and over that maybe it’s time for me to go. I can easily make it look like natural causes because of my health situation and die in my sleep. I don’t feel like I’m capable of living a normal life. I’ve tried therapy, didn’t help. I’m on a high dose of Prozac, which did help at one point but not lately. I just feel so lost
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self.SuicideWatch
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i am so jealous of a good friend she's amazing and sweet and maybe not one for intelligent conversations, but she also bests me at everything i've wanted to be good at and rubs it in my face unintentionally and sometimes i want to tell her to shove it
she's academically inclined, skinnier, prettier, better in every other way and every day she makes me feel a bit more worthless
fuck this
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self.offmychest
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I’ll always be alone because I need constant reassurance. I push away everyone because they’re never going to want to keep up with all the reassurances that I need. I think everyone hates me and I hate opening up to people because then I rely on them too much; I’ll text the same person every time I feel bad and then eventually I feel them pulling away because there’s only so much you can say. I’m so exhausted of being myself. All I want is for someone to hug me and hold me and love me.
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self.depression
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Mans search for meaning Mans search for meaning by Viktor E Frankl. Has anyone heard of this book? I read it and it was life changing especially if you struggle with existential type mental crises. I was just reflecting on how much it has helped me after I read it two years ago and I figured I'd just get the word out there to anyone who's struggling. The story puts a lot of things into perspective and helps you learn how to deal with or even rid yourself of feelings of hopelessness. Please read it.
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self.depression
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Dealing with stress and anxiety without shutting down?? How the heck do you deal with stress and anxiety without switching off and shutting down? That seems to be my default when I'm in the middle of a "big" worry. I can't function, I can't look after myself. I just want to hide until it all goes away. How can I get back to the real world???
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self.Anxiety
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Feeling Sticky Suddenly My first post here, but I am desperate, sorry for any errors or confusion.
I've always struggled with anxiety in all aspects of my life but I am not sure what to do about this particular issue. About one week ago I suddenly started feeling like my hands were sticky, and it's all I can focus on now. I work in an office building with my own desk and chair, and keep my things very clean. Everyday since I have wiped and sanitized my desk 2-3 times a day and washed my hands around 5-6 times. I had a couple coworkers feel my hands and feel my desk, keyboard, mouse and phone for stickiness and they do not feel anything. A close coworker suggested it could have something to do with my anxiety as it is something we both struggle with, working tech support things are very stressful this time of year and I wonder if that is related. This may seem minor to some people, but this has had a huge impact on my work and I feel like I am going crazy. Has anyone experienced this before and been able to make it stop?
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self.Anxiety
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What if the help doesn't work? I'm currently in the psychiatric ward of a hospital receiving treatment for major depression and suicidal thoughts.
I've frequented this and related sub for a while (even longer than the age of this account). And I have heard many stories from many people who have also received treatment.
What will I do if it doesn't work? What happens when they discharge me and I find that my life is no better? What if the meds don't help?
I thought that in my time here I would learn coping strategies and stress management techniques. Everything I have "learned" seems like stuff I already knew. And I don't think the coping strategies will last long. How long before I go back to slitting my wrists smoking pot and drinking away my troubles?
I feel like if this help doesn't work I'll be left with only one very unfortunate choice. As of right now I don't want my life to end in suicide. But if I go down this path again, who is to say someone will be able to catch me next time and get me admitted to hospital? What if next time I go through with it?
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self.depression
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Thinking of going to a therapist So I’ve been toying with the idea for a long time because things never seem to look up very long for me. Long story short is I’m a 26 y/o hick town Ontario raised guy that’s battled with his sexuality forever. Never liked the idea of being gay and I became prettymuch a recluse into depression and escapes for almost my entire life. Nobody knew about me until I was 23 and still to this day it’s only known by a group of less than 10. But over the last 4 years I’ve had my mom pass away, I’ve moved 4 times and I am newly out of a 4 year extremely unhealthy relationship with someone that could talk their way out of any situation which lead to a ton of added insecurities and all time low self esteem and a lot of shame for me. At this point even though I have responsilities I feel like a failure and a shell of what I could be. I’m apathetic to my situation most of the time. Being gay makes me feel like a failure. I either don’t sleep or sleep too much depending on the day. I’m just not happy and somethings got to give. I just don’t want to keep going most days and thoughts switch to bad ideas frequently lately.
I’m sure I’m not the only person out there stuggling like this.
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self.depression
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I have have been fighting with the same issues in my life for years now [deleted]
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self.depression
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Has anyone had experience with quetiapine for anxiety and major depressive disorder? I have used baby doses (25mg) in the recent past to facilitate sleep, but I am nervous about switching to the high dose that my psychiatrist wants me to start (200mg), but it could be key to giving me some relief. Any experience with this medication?
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self.Anxiety
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Another broken vase Earlier this week I hit a wall in my ability to cope at all and found myself in a place so far beyond human that even this omnipresent, crushing despair was gone. I felt utterly empty and lightheaded and unreal. I've been there before. I don't like it there. But the point is it's a place where, in the past, I have suddenly been free to make radical, life-shattering decisions - because nothing was real anyway and nothing mattered and I was completely unpresent. That's the place where I've tried to take my life. That's also the place where I've done possibly stupid but always drastic things. Like suddenly shaving my head and piercing my own ears. Like spending money I don't have on a vacation to the other side of the world that starts tomorrow. Like suddenly quitting my job and moving to make a radical change in life course and start from zero.
 
Looking at it now, I can see all those sudden, desperate things were really sublimations of my desperation to escape, no different from suicidal thoughts really. And this time my potentially life-ending, radical act was to fill out the forms and send them to the doctor begging for an appointmebt soonest. Even though I know that, the way it works here, it could be career ending, it could throw away my marriage and my family and everything I would be working so hard to survive for. It's terrifying. I don't know what is going to happen on December 20. Am I going to spend Christmas involuntarily committed? I don't know what to expect. I don't know if I care anymore.
 
But knowing I have 12 days, I spent some of my sleepless night thinking about what I would say to the doctor in those first moments. Is there a way I can get the help I so desperately need without burning anything down? What can I do to control the encounter a little, maybe try to keep things from spiralling into disaster?
 
And suddenly I remembered a scene from movie I saw long ago.
 
It was a comedy. I don't remember much, but I remember this one scene. The comic foil is going to see someone important. A CEO, a queen - I don't remember but it's not important. What's important is how vital it was for everything to go well, and how obviously the foil was out of his depth.
 
To illustrate it, in this scene he bumps a table and knocks a priceless treasure to the floor. To his horror, it's broken. But he sets it back up, carefully fits the broken piece in so it looks OK. But in the process he knocks it over again and breaks off another piece. And again and again until it's all just shards and in desperation he just wraps the shards up in a bundle with packing tape and sets it back on the table, and even though any idiot can see it's completely ruined he tries to pretend everything is perfectly normal. And bizarrely, despite initial doubletakes, so do the other characters.
 
At first, I thought this scene is just like what I'm trying to do, planning what to say and how to say it even though pretending to the doctor I'm ok is pointless.
 
But then I realised:
 
I'm not the comic foil in this piece. I'm not the important visitor. I'm the vase.
 
I'm horribly broken, but somehow the pieces have been wrapped up in tape and everyone is just pretending I'm ok.
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self.depression
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I'm considering suicide at age 18, last year of high school [deleted]
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self.depression
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I want to be free I want to free myself from all the misery life has given me. I want to free myself from all the darkness, but it seems none of it is possible. So I'm gonna plunge myself in the darkness until I suffocate from it. I will do and take anything and everything I can to end everything tonight!
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self.SuicideWatch
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I died the day my brother tried to kill himself. I've always had depression, but when I woke up to see my brother the way he was. I died that day. I've been living as a ghost for three years. I'm twenty two, and I have no future. I have the feeling that one day I'll eventually end it, but until then, I'm a dead man walking.
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self.depression
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Anyone else feels like a psycho path? i constantly think about killing shit just to put the fire out..
people keep callin me emo just because i dont express any feelings
suicide keeps fking coming to me
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self.depression
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Feeling lost when people around you commit suicide. This is essentially where I'm currently at. I've been suicidal in the past, years ago, after some really traumatic stuff happened. After a botched suicide attempt I was desperately clinging to the hope of living again, and made it a goal to try and help others see there's more options out there. That's pretty much gone down the tube now. In the last year, I've known 3 people lost to suicide. One was someone I didn't know personally, but had idolized while growing up and had inspired me to keep on living. The second, as well. The third was someone who lived a few houses down from mine, whos parents I was close with. Holding the mother tightly as she screamed and begged and pleaded for it not to be true, I kept it together to help. After all of this, though, I'm not so sure I can. It seems that it all comes back to this. Every passing moment is a struggle. I don't know how to lift myself up, or if I can. I can't possibly conceive getting over all of this and moving past this.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
By mistake I fingered a guy driving Whenever I walk along the cross walk (without lights) I give the peace sign to the alleged driver as a brief sign of compliance/friendliness. The hand used has the palm facing the windshield. Tonight I accidentally did it with the outer-skin (knuckles) facing the windshield. Considering the darkness one would assume the worst and perceive this as “flipping the bird”. The fellow driving his black coupe, pulled a U-turn and drove pass only to say “who does that!” and before I could explain he booked it faster than sea biscuit.
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self.offmychest
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The system fucks poor people over and now I have the pleasure to experience it myself. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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What is the point? I'm an atheist, and I don't see any point to living life.
My dad hates me and ignores me, my mom barely spends any time with me or my little sisters, and just leaves it to the nanny, she spends more time with the nanny's children than with me or my little sisters.
And before you give me the options of: Therapy, Counseling, Medication, Turning to "God" or "Jesus" or going to a Behavioral Health Facility. I've tried all of those terrible things, and none of them have worked.
I see no point to life (aforementioned in the first paragraph) because we'll all die in the future, nothing matters, we could all die tomorrow because of nuclear war, and a ton of other factors. The only reason I haven't committed suicide is because of the people I would hurt, and I'm too much of a coward to actually do it.
My anxiety and my depression rise every day and I just can't take it anymore, what do you guys suggest I do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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My Situation, life + parents. So, I don't really talk to my parents much and I'm not very open to them. I've got a fair share of beats as kid, so I have a grudge on my step dad ( my actual dad died when I was kid, boo hoo) and everything about my mom irritates me. I am 20 years old, two younger sibling and two step sisters. Family man, the only thing stoping me from killing myself, well that's a lie I would kill either way. I do have a passion, somewhat but I'm not devoted nor motivated much, which is computer programming. I failed first semester college due to my depression meltdown and since than I fell into the pit of despair. I work as a cashier and I got the job on luck honestly. I'm stuck in a rut, my parents don't want a dead beat for sure and they want me out soon. The constant battle of killing myself or trying this painful existence. Life is completely meaningless, we live in a shit world, and I don't have the motivation to follow anything, even the slightest things I'm interested in. I have kind of lost hope and faith in myself, why would I - I'm a worthless sad pathetic retarded sap of human being. Self esteem, 0. Lol, I'm pathetic enough to not want a therapist, I can't even explain why I haven't tried to get one and here I am on this fucken subreddit.
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self.depression
|
Dream of future self So, I have a really strange feeling right now that I can't fully describe.
Yesterday I had a dream, where I was hanging out with my friends, who are not even real people I know. Suddenly we were in the future, and met our future selves. Some strange voice told us that we had just enough time to ask them one question.
My friends were excited, asking about their career, their study, and got great answers. And my future me was standing there, waiting for my question, the last one.
So I asked her, "Did you win?".
She replied in disappointment, "Look at me and tell me if you think that I won." Then everyone disappeared.
I was there, alone, surrounded by "tapes" of my future everyday life, if that even makes any senses, struggling, thinking that tomorrow I would suddenly have a different mindset and I would be normal again. But no, the days are the same, for years, nothing changes. The worse part is that I can't escape that, because it is really my future. There is nothing that I can do to change it.
It scared me. It scared me a lot. And now I don't know what to do. I don't want to live my life like this and not seeing the way out.
Anyone can relate to this?
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self.depression
|
anxious about posting A lot of posts on this subreddit have something along the lines of "sorry if this doesn't make sense" or "sorry this is all over the place." I do this all the time in my posts and my comments, and a lot of others do as well haha. I just thought it was kind of funny and ironic that we're anxious about posting on the anxiety subreddit Lol.
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self.Anxiety
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Is it crisess or crises's? On a daily baises I have at least 2 anxiety riden existential crises.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm almost 50, I can eat WTF I want to! I have to get this off my chest because I'm about to explode! I dread every meal that I cook that I do not prefer.
I do NOT like game meat and I fucking hated that I was forced to eat shit I did not like as a child.
My husband loves Venison, again I do not like game meat, nor am I crazy about pork. Venison roast tonight for dinner, no biggie ,I made a hot ham n cheese sandwich and I'm good.
So my husband just asks me if I'm sure I don't want any,its so good,etc. This is the part where I just wish he would fuck off because I know what's coming.
Me: " No, you know I hate it."
Dipshit husband : " Well then you can just fucking starve"! \slams door/
This is an ongoing thing and I'm so sick of it! I could just stab him in the ass with a steak knife at the table when he does that. I'm 48 years old, I can eat or not eat what I want!
Does anyone else relate to this kind of passive attempt at control or am I overreacting? It goes without saying he is a verbally abusive tyrant to start with and I'm slowly regaining my sanity by reading self help books about how abuse can fuck us up in the head.😕
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self.offmychest
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I'm finding fewer and fewer reasons to stick around as the days go by. *Tl;dr - Life doesn't look as good when you let apathy and intrusive thoughts get inside your head.*
I've had possibly too much time on my hands recently. Having just finished up my degree and being currently unemployed gives me a lot of time to do things. And after I get bored playing games, I find myself alone with my thoughts while I find reasons to not stop mind-numbingly play the games that provide less entertainment with each passing day.
Everyone in the history of humanity has died, and death is something that frightens me greatly. It's probably that fear that keeps me from ever doing anything that would cause me to do that to myself, but the more I think on it, the less meaningful life seems to be. Maybe its because I haven't explored the world enough to fully appreciate what life has to offer, but nothing interests me or motivates me to seek out new experiences - not counting monetary barriers.
It's an awful feeling, and I don't understand how so many people are comfortable living with the knowledge that one day they will cease to be, and will fade into the sands of time, eternally forgotten and non-existant. I can't say it helps not being comfortable enough to talk to people about how I really feel about that sort of thing, but just in general I can tell I've become more reclusive. I know its a bad thing but...
Its comfortable. I can fester in my own small bubble and worry the world away; content enough with being lonely that I don't force myself to meet new people or experience the world. I hate what I'm slowly becoming, what I've already become. And with each passing day, I find myself with less and less things to look forward to. Before, I used to look forward to learning new things at university, then look forward to gaming all evening afterwards but now - I wake up with no agenda, no motivation to pursue anything.
As a result, I seem to go into autopilot and just play out the day until I can finally go back to bed and hope tomorrow brings something new. But I couldn't care less if nothing happens, because; I'm content enough in my small, barely functioning bubble.
I've stayed silent on this forever, because my life has had no hardship to overcome. I have no reason to be sad or disappointed, I am one of the privileged few and should be grateful for what I have. I hate to sound selfish but It would just be a little nice for someone to do a double-take and think, 'hey, he seems a little off - maybe he needs some help.' But, never opening up to people means I cause myself to go unnoticed.
I don't think I want to die, and I've had no desire to actually hurt myself, but being left alone with intusive thoughts of suicide ideation and negative introspection, with no **real** people to connect with makes me wonder what kind of life I have waiting for the next 70 odd years if I didn't actually do 'it'.
It doesn't sound like a happy, pleasant life down the road. It sounds like one of bitter lonliness and apathy, but yearning for a life I'll never accomplish.
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self.depression
|
Do you ever feel like you're getting worse at everything? These days I honestly feel like with more experience, I'm getting worse at the things I do. I'm worse at work, learning more slowly, and have less ambition to do anything. I used to be bright and capable, even if wired a bit badly.
I feel like an imposter at even basic functions now.
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self.depression
|
Anyone try 5-htp?? I'm experimenting with it a bit in very low doses. (50mg)
It makes me feel better, more positive and energetic but it also gives me bad nausea. Why so much nausea?
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self.bipolar
|
Has anybody else tried limiting their time on social media because it makes you feel bad only to realize how alone you are in real life?
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self.depression
|
I try and I fail, all the time I cannot do anything without screwing it up, I just got suspended from school my family, my friends, all lose their trust in me, I'm just not cut out for anything I don't think the world has a place for me
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self.depression
|
Hypomania: Where feeling good means feeling great and impulsive and amazing, and bad means agitated, anxious, scared, angry and stressed. With very little separating the two.
I've said it before that my mood states are like funhouse mirrors--distorting and twisting what's normal, blowing it way out of proportion.
I'm feeling that really hard right now.
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self.bipolar
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Rain You all are extra familiar with the saying, when it rains it pours. So, it's been a while since I've made a post, but here's an update.
So I saw my doc about a month ago. I had been on the upswing for a while but still totally in control. I was deemed of such sound mind that my followup is 3 months from now, or 4 months in between instead of monthly. Awesome! I knew that's how it was going to go, I had finally figured my brain out.
Work was good but we were having a management change. And as I was the night manager it was my job to keep people motivated and to not quit as the new boss was more strict. She saw good qualities in me, as when I told her that I was looking for other work, 7 weeks to find someone to replace me, she came back to me the next day and said, "how much for you to stay?" I asked for an extra $3 per hour, putting me above even the store assistant managers. It's legitimately how much I'd need to start paying down credit cards and get some money saved, and even be able to afford to eat. She said to give her 30 days for me to prove I'm worth 15.
During this month I operated pretty much the same as I did prior, as I knew that my quality of work was above her standards, she just hadn't seen it yet.
Fast forward to last Sunday, I went in like any other day ready for an understaffed but really dead day. One of the guys who worked morning had made some extra chicken tenders so after about an hour into my shift I grabbed one and took it to the walk in to eat it. Once I was almost finished eating it I walked out and she walked right around the corner. This is a lady who won't even answer her phone on the weekends and she showed up in the store. She saw me chewing and they fired me for theft and insubordination. On Monday I went back in to hand over my uniform and sign papers. Going back there is trespassing, whatever it wasn't that good of a job anyway and their food is expensive as shit, hence me not paying for the chicken tender. They put insubordination on there because it was clearly stated that that was theft, so I was going against management and stealing. My bank account is minus 150 right now man, I'll pay for food when I've paid for the roof over my head.
But that didn't phase me. I applied for lots of jobs over the following days, I started on Sunday. I got a call on Tuesday that they had sent out the wrong final check and the real one would be shipped today. Got the first final check yesterday. They gave me the 15 per hour. Or were going to, see they sent the "wrong" check out. The real check will be here Monday instead. Yay late rent you fucks. I got the electronic pay stub for it, it's for 12 still, so now other bills will just continue to get even later.
Finding out I got the raise but got fired anyway was even tougher. I went and grabbed food from my parents and told them the situation. Got food and a gift card for the grocery store. Had a good time talking to them, still doing really well mentally.
Today, I had a date. I have not been on a date since I was 15. We had been talking for a couple of days before I asked her out, then I went and picked her up. I sang and we talked as we drove around, I was having fun but my good mood is hypomania, so there was an element of disjointedness to me. She literally asked me if I had done this before. Ouch, whatever soldier on. I tried to salvage as best I could but my haste and uncertainty put her on great edge. I have essentially no experience with one on one dates. She said I seemed uninterested.
Took her home after a bit of trying to find something to do in doors because it's cold outside but most of the stuff is either expensive or just not for dating more for taking kids to. She isn't 21 yet so no bars, I don't even like alcohol it would just be more for a place to talk which wasn't my house. Got her home. Waited a while after I got home and messaged her, she said I was too nice. Fucking hell. "you deserve better" etc. Ok got the hint and thanked her for the learning experience, she left it with "Don't blame yourself." "It's not the end of the world, it's one date that didn't go as well as planned, I know how to keep myself happy and productive, don't worry."
But it did show me how woefully inadequate I am at the dating game, and that hurt more than all the other things combined. Gonna call the therapist and set up an appointment just to have someone to talk to about all of this because I don't have anyone I can tell all this stuff to in person.
We went through some of my old Facebook pics while we were out, they are very few and far between with most of them being older. She didn't believe that I was who I said I was. All the pictures are me, I just change a lot. On my drivers license I weigh 180 pounds and am pretty depressed. In all my Facebook photos I'm the rail thin version of myself but there's only one pic of me with facial hair up there, and she thought I had snagged pictures with a brother or something. Nope. They're all me, there's just a lot of time and a lot of mental changes in between all of those pictures. It was always me, I'm just constantly changing. So, being accused of lying wasn't very fun either as I hate being called a liar. I hate when people lie to me, so I don't lie to others. But whatever, she can think what she wants.
I just want some guidance on how you people who are successful at dating with this bs do it, because apparently I'm totally incapable still and I'm almost 22. I can't attract a woman to save my life.
TL:DR when it rains it pours. Lost job after getting a raise and then having it stripped from me, then utterly crashed and burned on first date in 7 years when I finally felt I was stable enough to try again.
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self.bipolar
|
i think i'm finally going to end my life I never thought I'd make it to 30. I'm 23 now and I feel like I've tried long enough. I gave it a good run. I went to therapy, took meds, even went to the hospital. But each time I felt better the crash was worse and worse every time. The happiness only ever lasts for a few weeks, and then it's back to square one.
I can tell people are getting sick of my shit. They have to constantly tell me the same things, over and over again. I feel so guilty every day I'm here. Everyone tries so hard and I still have nothing to give them. I say "thank you" and "I'm sorry" and "I love you" and "I'll try harder" but it's all meaningless.
I keep picturing myself downing a whole bottle of pills alone in my favorite park. Or hanging myself from the bridge near my house. I've already written a few notes for the people I care most about. If I walk into traffic do you think they might believe it was an accident? I can hide the notes so they won't find them for a few weeks... I can write an email, or write a blog post and set it to publish a few days from now.
I don't want to ask for help because the hospital is expensive. Treatment is expensive. If they try to stop me that means someone at work will have to cover my shift and my parents will have to call and make up an excuse for why I can't go to work. I'll miss the semester and my grandparents will be upset and sad. It's just easier to die at this point. At least I won't have to be around to see what happens next. I told my friend I'd see her today, and I'm too scared to cancel, it'll be better for them to just find me dead. I've run out of excuses.
My siblings are home from school so I'll have to catch the bus or something. I don't want them to find my body. I gotta finish these notes first.
I kind of want to eat one last big meal, maybe take a nice hot bath one last time. Maybe I'll go catch a movie and go to the pet store and look at all the cute animals one more time. I can take one last walk through the park, go to the museum one last time. I want to make my last day nice. I feel a lot calmer knowing this is the end. I feel serene knowing I won't be in pain anymore. I'm gonna make it a peaceful last day.
thanks for reading
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self.SuicideWatch
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Being friends with you makes it so much harder. But if I cut you off I have no friends left. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I was happy just 3 months ago A little less than 3 months ago my life really started fall apart. My fiance was rarely coming home and I was rarely getting to see my daughter. It was eating me inside and I started drinking to cope. Next thing I know she comes home one night for a few things and she tells me she is thinking of leaving me and my mind snaps. I don't really know where I am or who I am. Next issue is my health - I have some health issues that have forced me onto a medical leave which have caused my bills to fall behind massively and put me into debt. I can't afford my car payments, propane, rent, really anything but the basics because I trashed my credit while she was away trying to make ends meet. I do not blame her. I was put on medication that was supposed to help but it just ended up making it much worse and am trying to overcome that and I just have lost all fight I have. This morning I found out that I will not be spending christmas with my daughter. She will be 400 miles away and I will be alone. Likely with my utilities shut off and whatever the food pantry gives me (which they are very generous so no worries there.) She will be 2 on December 31. If I took my life she would never remember me and would never have to see the suffering I am dealing with. I try to put on a big goofy smile for her and I try my best to be a good dad because my world revolves around that little girl but the physical pain, financial stress, and anxiety is just too much to continue. I think about it more and more each day. I like to tell myself I am a good dad but a good dad would never have these thoughts...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm just so done with life, I can't muster any energy anymore. Here I am in college again, no motivation, or desire to even really try anymore in life. Even If I some how managed to pass everything, and get my degree, having to get up and go to work every day again sounds horrific, I can hardly manage to go to class most days. I'm 100% sure if not for the effect it would have on my family I'd be out of here.
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self.depression
|
I feel like I'm doing better, but then it just hits. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Why I want a gun license. I want to bite the cold end steel of the barrel just so I can feel free of everything. To not feel like I don't belong anymore, to lay my skull against the wall because no one wanted to hear what it had to say to begin with. I'm my own victim and I'm tired of people feeling like I'm an obligation.
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self.depression
|
What’s the point? I really just don’t even wanna go on any more. I don’t see a point to sticking around. I feel like I’ve already come to terms with death and knowing I’ll probably kill my self eventually I just don’t know when. I wish someone would just kill me or I die in an accident so I don’t have to do it myself. I feel like that would hurt less people. Who knows???
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A letter of hope Dear reader... of who ever this may be i want you to know one thing about me, im a mess. Im all fucked up inside... not a thing i could do to change that. My life is not hard... it is just painful, every second ticks by on the clock and i wounder to myself why am i still alive. I wake up in the morning thinking of how I'm going to make it through the day... some day's are okay, others,.. not so much. I go home pondering whether
to step foot in that damn door... or just walk away from it all. This letter is not a cry for help it is a scream, a scream for freedom. Freedom for this anarchy that we call life. Im incredibly tired, not the tired sleep can fix, tired of fighting... tired of living..... tired of it all. If any one shall read this know that i will not be alive much longer... peace.... love.... and hope. -HC
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self.depression
|
I'm so afraid to get into into the job market I'm 17 so I'm in my last year of high school.
I'm not from the US, but my HS average will be something like 15.5 ou of 20. Not amazing but not horrible, it is in the middle.
I was thinking about getting into "international relationships" but I'm affraid I won't be able to find a job.
My mum would love it if I went to law school but with my grades I will be lucky if I can get into the 3rd best college in the country. Who would want to hire something who graduates from the 3rd best if they can hire someone from the best. Not just that, I'm a massive procrastinator and still haven't found a way to cure this. For most of my high school tests I procrastinate from 6 to 11. And then I study from 11 to 3/4 in the morning. If I'm like this in college I will be screwed...
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self.offmychest
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Prazosin (somewhat off topic) I know many of us have comorbid disorders, so I’m hoping you guys will forgive me asking about this med on this subreddit. Any experience with this for PTSD nightmares & anxiety? Pdoc thinks my depression symptoms will improve if we address the PTSD part of my diagnosis, as none of the meds we’ve tried for my bipolar disorder seem to help with the depression. Taking the first dose tonight. Wish me luck.
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self.bipolar
|
My friend told my school I was cutting So it was late at night and I was talking to my good friend and we were having one of those deep convos. She asked me about my mental health and stuff, I had no problem telling her since she suffers from depression too and is the person who helped me through everything. I told her I wasn't attending school the next day because I haven't been sleeping and that's affecting my performance. She later asked me about my anxiety (she doesn't have anxiety so she was just trying to help) and if I was cutting. I told her yes because I was, not at that time but around it. The next day I was sleeping in and I get awoken from my mother who tells me that she got a call from the school therapist. I was infuriated. I told her that in confidence and was working on the issue myself, I didn't want my parents to know until I was ready. They knew I did so in the past but not now. Now I have to go to school and face the therapist about it. I'm terrified that they will put that in my file or anything drastic. It almost ruined my relationship with my mom because she thinks I don't trust her and my parents are acting completely different around me. This is giving me anxiety and I am not sure how to go about everything.
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self.depression
|
Anyone else feel so...disconnected from everyone else? I wrote a big suicide note. I don’t know. I’m nearing 30. I use my looks to keep people around and satisfy my loneliness. The only reason I am still here is complete cowardice. I’m writing on here as some stupid last gesture, one I’ve made so many times before.
I’m not...happy. I don’t know what happiness is. I don’t know what friendship is, not really.
When I was in middle school I used to hate gym class. I tried my best to not participate. I got quite good at it. The problem came when we would play dodgeball. I was so good at being ignored by my fellow students that I almost always was the last one left. I hated that feeling...being on display, being so visible because I was inherently invisible to my classmates. I would pretend to catch the ball and then drop it. After this happened a few times I would pretend to be hit in the beginning, so I could at least pretend that I am visible to someone, even just for a moment.
My brain isn’t working, or maybe it’s my soul. I’ve tried all I’ve could - therapy...years and years of therapy, since my teen years, and medication. Oh good, the medication made me better able to go to school, to get my degree, to work in the corporate life. And what am I doing now?
I forget things now. I know I’m getting worse. My brain is deteriorating. Something is wrong with me, something I assume will be discovered long after I’m gone, and they will look at the descriptions of those suffering and think “how terrible.”
It’s all so stupid. Every last minute I am here.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't know if I can go another week. [deleted]
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self.depression
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My knuckles are black, blue, swollen and probably broken but I love it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I hate Arkansas I lived in the state for two years and I honestly didn't know what the f**k I was thinking. It has to be the most podunk place in the world. The cities are ugly, the state university and mascot is a joke, The people are rednecks who don't know squat and overall it's boring as f**k! The only good thing about it is the beautiful landscape. In conclusion don't come to Arkansas! You will regret it!!
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self.offmychest
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The fact that I am incomplete, insufficient, or defective as a human being is squarely on my own goddamn head. To the unassertive me who procrastinates, blows off responsibilities, lacks confidence, and resists any inclination to improve: go fuck yourself. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Me So it was 3:31am when I started this, I'm on my phone in my room, a room which I still haven't paid rent on. I'm 21, just got my SIA badge (security) and I live a pretty goddamn lucky life. I have great friends I live with, I'm brilliant at socialising and have friends and acquaintances everywhere. I'm funny but stupid, I understand people and am, as far as I'm aware, generally well liked. I've been told by many of my friends I've helped them, that I'm unique and they don't know anyone like me. I don't mean to and to me it's just not something I ever really think about. Until nights like this obviously. Not that I'm trying to make it sound like I'm oh so kind or great because I don't think about it that way, I just don't is all I'm saying.
I'm not saying all this to show off or make me sound so totally awesome, but because I'm just kinda ranting and figuring this out as I go. I don't know where to go with my life. I don't feel depressed, just kind of empty? I mean I met a girl, yada yada, thought I liked her, but after spending a weekend with her after thinking she was special, I'm just kind of "meh" about it all. I guess actually I feel like I'm broken. Not in a "oh fix me lord!" Or in a way that causes me anguish, but in that I just don't know if I can make those deep connections again.
I realise I'm 21 and so still very young and very inexperienced. I know no one has all the answers, I know everyone is unique and that we all have shit we've gone through. I don't believe I'm better than anyone in any capacity, I have flaws and secrets and strengths and experiences that I learn from, just like anyone else.
I guess this doesn't really make sense, it is just a ramble of thoughts after all. Anyway, if anyone does read this and ever wants a chin wag, don't be afraid to pm me :)
Peace
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self.offmychest
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Just want to let this out. [Some parts may be triggering]
I've been misdiagnosed with anxiety and depression before and took a variety of medication for about 2 years. I just consulted a different doctor and am rediagnosed with Bipolar II and am now put on Lamotrigine and Epival.
Anyways, a little bit of backstory: before getting into college my parents had always made me know that they wanted me to be a doctor. At the time I was really in awe cause they sugarcoated the profession (i.e. big pay, respected everywhere, just prescribe any meds then get paid, always gets free stuff, easy life, etc.). So, it was put in my head that I would be getting an medical-related undergraduate course. When the time came for me to actually decide though, there was a small thought that I could try another course (I was, and am still, interested in fields related to technology) but these thoughts were quickly shut down with "you could do that while being a doctor", "We're not forcing you but for us, we'd like you to be a doctor", and other variations of this. Fast forward to reaching major subjects (around late 2nd year of college), I was breaking down almost everyday. I hated where I was in and couldn't leave because of a contract in my university forcing me to stay or else I pay to if I want to leave. Once, I had a really bad day and spilled everything to my parents. All they said was I could leave my course but they would cut off all support for me. Of course, I went AWOL for a few days in school after this.
Now, I managed to graduate on time but the problem still persists. I hate my job and I hate that I don't have much options for other jobs that my degree can get into.
Moving on, my family never really had good dynamics. My mother was verbally abusive, prideful, and had a holier-than-thou attitude. My dad, on the other hand, was hot blooded, quick to jump to (negative) conclusions, and was also prideful. My younger sister, I either talked to like a stranger or fought with for 13 years. And lastly, my younger brother is a child with special needs (GDD) So overall, "home" is very toxic environment and was never a safe place.
When I was sick I'd get responses like: "I'm too busy don't add to my work", "That's because (insert causes from old folk sayings they believe in". Also, when I actually feel the need to go to a doctor, they bring me there but once they find out it was "nothing" they'd spend days telling me "you know how much your check-up cost? If you stayed at home and drank water we wouldnt have spent anything". In summary, healt is not a priority in my household.
I've also been on the receiving end of much of the verbal abuses thrown. Some of the most memorable ones (out of many): are when my mom told me "then do it" when I told her I wanted to jump of a building. And when she told me another time to "just die" when I was breaking down and said that I wanted to. She also likes to put us down and bring herself up in small daily things (e.g. "you cant sing?? When I was in high school I led the choir")
My dad meanwhile is extremely scary for me. One minutes he jokes around with us but the minute he's put off by something he gets extremely irritated and sometimes starting shouting at everybody.
Given these 2 personalities, clashes happen almost everyday. And I mean CLASHES. Chairs flying, glasses shattering, furniture breaking, phones crushed (due to jealousy and unfounded suspicions). In fact, right at this moment my parents are screaming and the usual threats of divorce or leaving the house are said.
Aaand to end this, here I am extremely lost and stuck in a place I hate ("home" and work). Extremely brain fogged everyday. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Staring at my pills and researching how much it takes to overdose. I honestly just really hope right now that I don't get scared and take the plunge.
TL;DR: I want out.
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self.bipolar
|
28//ruined my life. As the title said I am a 28 year old woman and essentially ruined my life. I work a min. wage job (I have a college degree but it isn't useful), I don't have any friends or anyone to ever talk to or socialize with (and have never even dated), and in general have nothing to live for. I devoted the last 10 years of my life to photography, but realized I am untalented and do not have what it takes to make a career out of this field. That was the only thing keeping me alive, was that hope. I never leave my house except to go to work, and have become increasingly unhealthy these past few years (my eating goes from starving myself to binging, I self-harm near daily, etc.) I feel as though killing myself is the only thing to break this cycle of absolute numbness I experience everyday.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I thought I was beginning to have feelings for this guy, but I've come to the realization that he's a fucking douchebag. Pretty much I meet this guy just this semester, and he was a huge flirt and was flirting with me. At the beginning I really didn't like him and thought his approach to me was quite cringey and douchebag-like. But as time passed and I was getting to know him and he was much nicer and less douchey when he wasn't in class or a large group of people. However I suffer from depression and have always felt lonely and this has been eating me alive recently, this feeling of just being so alone and feeling unloved. So of course the attention he was giving to me really helped me feel good. But I as I started to get feelings for him, I wanted to give him a chance. So we kind of went on a date, and I had a great time. A few days later I texted him and another friend about hanging out and I was a bit angry at the response I got, he said he was busy for the day but never said "lets hangout another time" or something along those lines. I feel like he really likes me he would have done that. And from getting a bit mad about that I've just started to realize how rude he can be to other people and that I'm not really to fond of the way he presents himself on social media and etc. I think I was starting to like the thought of him but not him. I don't know. A part of me while writing this still sort of likes him, I guess I just like to see the good of people and focus on that. But I am going to stop giving him my time of day, stop wanting him to message me and looking on my phone to see if he has. I will let the idea of love and him go. I need to focus on myself. I need to stop looking and focusing on love and just improve myself. And lastly fuck you Vincent.
Edit: When I am calling him a douchebag it's not because when he told me he was busy, but rather he is a douchebag from how he interacts with other people and can be rude to people in general.
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self.offmychest
|
Is my anxiety really anxiety? I wonder if there's anybody else under the impression that their anxiety issues are caused by something more physical. Like in my case I kind of feels like my anxiety derives from digestive issues and not the other way around. Maybe gas build up. For example, I might start getting a feeling of pressure in my chest and start getting my anxiety attack and then I burp and then the feeling goes away temporarily.
Am I crazy to think about that. I recently did another experiment and I stopped drinking coffee for about two days. I am not a heavy coffee drinker, I always have a morning cup and that's it. However, while I did not drink coffee my anxiety was pretty much non-existent. Today I had my morning coffee and boom, I've been getting anxiety attacks all day.
I believe this idea is something worth exploring.
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self.Anxiety
|
It would be easier if i wouldnt give a fuck about relationships, girlfriend/ex-gf, love, but i cant Being in relationship is definition for me of success and sense in life.Thats fucked up.
I just want to be everything for someone.. Again.
Today i texted to my ex after few weeks(i wanted to be polite) "whats up".She said "im okay" "im dating someone".IT was all i wanted to hear, fucking bitch.I realised today that i should cut her off from my life, totally
Im also dating someone(ugh, only one meeting but we will meet again), maybe she is into me, maybe she will be my friend or girlfriend, we will see.
Im trying to be more open to people(i mean, internet strangers haha) so i will also see another girl who i met on tinder.She is 5y older, but i want to meet with her.I know that she is clever, happy and pretty girl but that kind of oppurtunity wont happen again.
People are key to happiness.Im just looking for social connections, its important so dont blame me that i want to know as much people as possible(through dating apps, thats sad) but i dont have any friends :(
Thats all, thank you for reading
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self.depression
|
I don't know what to do with my life I've invested my time into my digital marketing skills, among a variety of industries. I don't know where to head next...
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self.depression
|
Ultra rapid cyclers, fill me in What's a day in the life of someone who cycles every day, or every hour even? I go for weeks at a time feeling okay and maybe a month being depressed so I too am a rapid cycler at this point in my life. What are your demographics and how do you cope?
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self.bipolar
|
I have to go to work today where I feel constantly ostracized, humiliated, self-hatred, and all sorts of anxiety. I literally refuse to look in the mirror while I'm there due to how much I hate myself there. How do I get out of ever returning?
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self.Anxiety
|
My vivid imagination is ruining my relationship and I need coping mechanisms Because of past experiences, I (36f) am terrified of being cheated on, lied to and left. I am irrational as a result. My mind takes off and I imagine all sorts of scenarios that might happen involving those things. They seem so vivid to me that I actually FEEL the emotions as though they are real. That means I break my own heart over and over again and my SO (43m) bears the brunt because I start to feel a blur between reality and my imaginary scenes. I try and tell myself that it’s not real-that it’s just my anxiety. But then I start to think “what if it IS real and I’m doing myself a disservice by ignoring my gut?” And so on and so forth and it spirals and gets out of control like anxious thoughts do.
How do I cope with this? Does anyone else experience similar and/or have methods to deal with it?
I hate how anxiety makes me feel so out of control of my own brain.
(I’m very new here- I’m sorry if I stuffed anything up in this post)
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self.Anxiety
|
"We are told to learn self-reliance, but it’s tricky if you have no self on which to rely." I didn’t sleep very well last night and I returned to work after several days off and it has thoroughly and completely exhausted me. I did want to share something that I read last night that I have thought about ever since I read it. I started his book The Noonday Demon last night in order to properly understand my own struggles with depression. His article Anatomy of Melancholy (http://andrewsolomon.com/articles/anatomy-of-melancholy/) he wrote in 1999 for The New Yorker in which he talks about his own personal battles with depression have made him a huge advocate for depression and is very informative. Andrew also has done a couple of TED talks. My personal favorite of his can be found here (https://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share).
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self.depression
|
Anxiety Or Allergies or GERD? So, everytime I eat something I feel this really scary tightness in my throat and I get short of breath. This can last for hours or minutes, it really varies. I get no hives or rashes or anything - it's just super scary. It doesn't help that I googled the shit out of Anaphylaxis and have convinced myself I have it even though I had allergy tests done a couple years ago that were all negative.
It's gotten to the crazy stage where I'm living off Chicken, Rice and Vegatables 4 times a day and only drinking Water for the past 6 days - this is driving me crazy, especially over Christmas.
Yesterday I went out with some old work buddies and decided to watch a movie. I thought, screw it, I have been super restrictive all week and brought myself an expensive Cinema beer. I drank one damn sip and my throat felt like it was closing up I started stressing out and it was horrific.
I have no idea what's going on and I'm really not the anxious type but this is driving me nuts. Does anyone else have any insights into this because Doctors claim it's GERD but I have no heartburn or Indigestion and PPI's haven't helped over the last 2 weeks...
Thank you
|
self.Anxiety
|
I want death GOD.FUCKING.FUCK.
oKAY, I GREW UP WITH DORA I FUCKING LOVED HER. I HAD BEDSHEETS OF DORA, I HAD PENCILS OF DORA, I HAD DORS SHOES, DORS TABLE, DORA SEAT, DORA BACKPACK AND A DORA PLATE I ATE MY MOTHERFUCKING DINNER ON EVER NIGHT.
SHE AND HER HOMEBODY BOOTS WENT OUT AND THW SNEAKY SWPIER ALMOST SWIPED SHIT MAN THAT WAS ENTERTAINMENT.
TURNS OUT THOUGH, THEY MADE A NEW DORA SHOW. IT HAD DORA AGED 15 OR WHATEVER. THE WORST PART IS: THEY BROUGHT IN HER THOTTY FRIENDS AND TOOK AWAY BOOTS.
*GUESS WHAT?*
THEY TOOK AWAY THE THEME SONG.
_SCREECH_
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self.offmychest
|
The suicide rate amongst transgender people is high for a reason [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to fly away and see how everyone will respond to my disappearance when they realise I’m gone. Not dead but just gone. What do you do when your triggers are your parents/family/your home? I know I’m 22 and should have well of be an adult comfortable being independent. But what if your parents left the house when you’re 19 without any warning and I’m suddenly left to adapt to live somewhere else? For every time, I wake up to an empty house or no food in the kitchen, I’m reminded of the fact that my parents have forgotten about me. The disappointment/anger/sadness paralyses me. Home feels like a prison every time I come back from school. It doesn’t feel like a home but rather just a place to rest. I hate being alive. I hate them for leaving me but I know I can’t hate them.
I have deep yearning to book a flight and fly away without telling anyone; both family and friends. Bet they won’t know immediately and once they realize, only then will they know how it will feel if they lose me. Is it melodramatic and immature of me to do so?
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self.depression
|
I didn't fight out of fear of failure. Now I rest. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Is this anxiety? Should I do something? 25/f The last few days I’ve been getting worse and today it culminated in this huge feeling of dread like I was expecting something bad to happen for no reason. I’ve been sweating like crazy all day and can’t focus my eyes. I drove to go see a movie thinking getting out of my apartment would help but the entire drive to and from and the whole experience felt like a dream. I went to a Target after to try and find some kind of anti-anxiety relief pills in the vitamin section or something but couldn’t find anything but those Olly gummies for stress but they haven’t worked and my eyes won’t focus on anything. I’m home again now and everything just feels frantic and awful and I can’t stop sweating and shaking and jittering.
A panic attack can’t last this long, can it?
Thinking of how I’m going to function at work tomorrow...and every single day following... is putting me even further into this “panic”. Even a text from my mom and a call from my dad is too much right now and I feel like I want to just quit and leave everything and be away from everyone and have zero connections because this expectation is all stressful. Is this gonna stop? Even if it does, should I do something about this? This has happened before and I’m still clueless what triggers it.
I have a therapist and have mentioned the sweating and stomachaches I usually get daily to her at work and otherwise but she doesn’t seem concerned or isn’t equipped to do anything but ask me how my day is and offer nothing constructive. No clue what to do. Everything seems awful and spacey right now. Is this anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm reaching Prozac dosage levels that I didn't think were possible. I thought 40 was a lot, but my psychiatrist just put me on 60 mg daily. I 100% trust his judgment and will take the higher dose, but I must admit that I sorta feel like a drugged up guinea pig. Whatever it takes to be happy or at least not perpetually sad, I suppose.
|
self.depression
|
Do you just feel like you're a inconvenience Do you feel the the fact you speak, ask a question to that person, upset someone at all, just makes you a inconvenience. That no matter what you do, this is what you'll always be. I just feel as I continue day by day I'm just more of a failure and inconvenience and what's the point of that?
I feel like too much of a inconvineice to talk to anyone about it. Promising myself one day that I'll call my GP for a appointment tomorrow, hoping tomorrow doesn't come anyway. Sorry, just needed a rant. It's just scary how specific I'm getting with my ideations now, the realization that these thoughts take part of 80% of my day to day thoughts. But, yet, I can't do anything about it.
I know, I've been told contact medical assistance and whatever. Just wanted to rant a bit
Edit: Im really glad it reached most of you and you guys can relate. You guys are awesome, this is my most upvoted thread ever..means alot
|
self.depression
|
Keeping it to yourself One of the things that I've kind of always felt as a constant in my life was this feeling of fighting everything alone. Unfortunately I'm not the best at hiding how I feel and I think that really effects my life. Maybe I really do just need to get better at hiding it. Maybe I really just need to figure out how to super glue that mask to my face and say "Everythings great! or gonna get better!" Maybe I need to stop asking for help. Maybe I need to stop sharing my feelings. Maybe I just need to wear the clothes of an optimist. And staple the corners of my mouth to the my ears and just keep going. Maybe that's just the secret to all of this. Keep busy and don't give yourself enough time to feel your feelings. That certainly doesn't feel right, but neither does anything these days honestly.
Anyway, I hope everyone is having a better life than I am right now. Really just can't keep it together. Really just want to go live by myself somewhere.
|
self.depression
|
I bought things I need to commit suicide from an online shop. I feel much better now that I don't have to think about whether I should buy them or not.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anybody else feeling this way at night? Hey guys. I’m not sure if I’m the only one and if not how do you guys handle this. It seems like every single night I start to have my anxiety symptoms (upset stomach, increased heart rate, shakiness) and they all start when one of 2 things happens. 1) when I leave my girlfriend to head home or 2) if I’m staying with her that night right at about 6-7:00 every night without fail. No matter what I have the next day or what I feel that way. I’m perfectly fine in the morning and through the day but I’m getting tired of feeling like this every night. Any advice?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I just suffered my worst attack yet... Context: Some idiot with a dysfunctional family is renting a house on a street behind my house.
What happened: It was 9pm, I was trying to sleep and all I could hear were children screaming. I don't know what goes on in that house, but I've came to the assumption that the father is out of control and possibly abusive. The kids weren't screaming because they were having fun... My legs began to shake, I was sweating and I felt like I wasn't getting enough oxygen. I watched some anxiety ASMR which calmed me down after 20 minutes.
I'm under a lot of stress because I'm starting a job soon.
I'm going to tell my parents what happened and hopefully they contact local authorities and this guy either gets a warning for disturbance and stress caused, his kids are taken away from him or he loses his house. Hopefully all of those things happen then he fucking dies.
I'm not tolerating this shit. I'm being put on edge cause of this prick. I've fucking lived here for 8 years and never had any problems. It's bullshit. We have such a nice neighborhood which is going to be ruined and nobody will speak out!
I feel strong because I managed to control my attack, usually I'll just throw up and can't deal with it.
It's now 11pm, the kids are STILL screaming...
|
self.Anxiety
|
"Women who lost someone" and happiness as a trigger [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I feel like every step I take is a step in the wrong direction I feel like no matter what I do or where I go in life I'm doing it wrong.
Financially I'm living paycheck to paycheck even though I work a full time job. I can't save up enough money to pay for a car or college. The past week I've had $1.27 in my bank account, and it'll stay like that until Friday when I can finally afford to go grocery shopping.
Medically I'm a mess. I lost 150lbs over the past year and I tell people it's because I've been dieting, but in reality it's because I either can't afford food or am too depressed to eat anything. My glasses are out of date and I'll need multiple surgeries and braces to fix my destroyed teeth.
I promised my best friend that I'd go into business with him and I can see him working his ass off to make that a reality, but I feel like every time I work on our goals I get overwhelmed by everything and shut down. I know I'm only holding him back at this point but I made a commitment and he's relying on me to do my part.
My family life is almost non existent because most have stopped talking to me or moved across the country. My closest relative, my brother, is probably going to prison for a long time because of his stupid mistake.
Even relationship wise I'm pretty screwed up. Most of my past relationships have been screwed up due to abusive problems or getting used regularly. Now I've finally run into someone that I feel like I really can connect to and can see a future with and I'm letting the opportunity slip through my hands because I can't get my life sorted out.
Every time I try and better myself I see the result and it never turns out how I've planned. Only makes things worse. I get medical insurance to fix my health problems and I'm making even less money. I try to pick up more shifts at work and now I don't have time to spend with my friends or work on my projects. The last few weeks have been the most depressed I've been in years and I feel like I'm breaking on the inside. I feel totally isolated.
At this point I really just needed to rant to someone. So thanks for listening reddit.
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self.offmychest
|
I costantly feel like there is something horribly wrong with me This has been going on for 3 days now. Im constantly nervous, everything around me feels odd and whenever i have fun my mind keeps reminding me afterwards that something is terribly wrong with my brain. How do i cope with this and is this common for anxiety sufferers?
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self.Anxiety
|
Last moments I was talking to my friend about how i just cannot go on any longer and how unbearable this suffering is and she said that i need to endure the pain just a while longer, but when i asked her why i should do that she admitted that she honestly doesnt have a reason why i need to stay. its official now, nobody will care when im gone, there truely is no reason why i should stay here any longer. i've made up my mind. as soon as things calm down and i have a good timeset to do it, im out. fuck this. "Leaving this world is not as scary as it sounds." - Richard, Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A crow looked at me I looked back, why can't you kill me painlessly and put me out of my misery
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self.depression
|
Constant Mild Anxious Tension in Body I've started to notice that I have this constant anxious tension in my body. I meditate, eat well, and exercise, which helps with my normally very anxious self, but I'm still left with this nagging tension. After taking care of myself my psychological anxiety is very manageable but I'm left with this mild yet exhausting body anxiety. Are there any solutions for this besides medication?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Looking for advice, or experiences, or anything. How can I get diagnosed or assistance? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
i feel like i have no hope i feel like there's nothing good going on in my life anymore i just feel like i hardly have any hope left. everyone else my age is so fucking happy and acts like they have no cares in the world while im like this, i feel like im way to no one my age should fucking feel this way. im really sorry if this seems really shittly worded but im not in the best place to be writing this, i just don't what to do can someone please help i have been randomly bursting into tears today and no one is supporting me im just being ignored. i want to tell someone but i dont know how to explain why i feel like this
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anxious muscle twitchs/spasms? Hello everyone, I have been struggling with quite an odd issue over the past few weeks. I find that certain words or certain topics sometimes cause my legs to jolt or twitch and sometimes my back or head like jolts or sways.
It's weird cuz I don't even have time to think or process that it may make me anxious or awkward because the spasms seem to just happen instinctually which causes my anxiety to increase 5x as now I think that the people around me think I have some weird personal problem with what they said or that a certain word triggers me. I also sometimes have trouble staring people in the eye and I feel like I have to look away or fight these tremors I get. I feel like the fact that I have to worry or resist having a spasm when looking people in the eye only makes me focus on it more because I don't want to weird people out.
This makes no sense because all of this is involuntary. I feel great about myself, I have learned how to talk to people better, I have a good outlook. But this involuntary spasms makes me feel like a freak and everything seems to make my heart race. I don't feel like I can act normally until I beat these spasms. Somebody please help me.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm ready to go. I want this more than anything right now. I've never felt this way before. I really want to die this time. I'm not sure if I'm sad, excited, hopeful. All that I know I that I'm ready.
Goodbye, life! It's been nice, and thank you for everything you've given me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Feel sort of empty, I guess. A few years ago, around 8 years or so, I don't really remember or care anymore... I lost my father to cancer and was extremely angry when I found out he had died in the hospital, but after I went to sleep that night I haven't really felt anything when someone dies.
A little bit after that, a very good friend committed suicide. I was sad for a few hours and then just kinda forgot about it, I didn't really feel much pain or grief. I've lost several friends since and have been feeling less and less pain when someone close to me dies.
I used to live next door to my grandmother and was very close to her. A few months ago my grandmother died and I felt nothing. My mother came into my room, called for my sister to come join us and told us she had died. They sat and hugged each other and me while crying for 15-20 minutes and I just sat there wondering why I didn't feel anything. My grandmother's death was when I realized I wasn't feeling any sadness or pain, before this it just felt... normal.
I didn't expect this post to become so long, but I was wondering if anyone else feels like this, if it's normal, if there's specific terminology for it or really just any general information on why I feel, or I suppose don't feel this way.
|
self.depression
|
[Triggering] Being molested since 10 years old. (As far as I remember clearly). [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Thinking about going to school I am 20 years old and moved out of my parents house. I work full time as a detailer at a bodyshop but something tells me that i need to get school for this or else it will take me years to advance. The only thing is Id have to move back in with my parents. And I am also afraid that for some reason, I wont be able to keep up with my classes because I am not that tool savvy and my friends who are doing a trade, already have experience. Any advice?
|
self.Anxiety
|
im just too fucking dissapointed with everything around me just cannot go on, im fucking tired of having a poor and empty life, cause this isnt worth it dude. my grades are going pretty well in comparison with last year, but life's still shit. I do not deserve this, i work hard everyday, i talk and behavie politely everyday, but this seems to keep going from bad to worse and im hella tired. this is so exhausting that are days i cannot even move from bed.
|
self.depression
|
I've just 'ended' it with someone that was probably perfect for me. I already knew it was going south by the way you kept ignoring me, and not talking to me. But apart of me clung on to the fact that you said you cared so much, and you would never hurt me. It sucks because you too said that you were gutted that we couldn't be together, but it's you that couldn't deal with the fact that we don't live close to each other. You were the first person that made me feel stable, and made me feel like I was a better person. I was looking forward to experiencing things with you, and finally getting what I wanted. I guess it was the wrong time for you, and you couldn't make it work. But I don't hate you. I just wish you had the will power for it. I'm sorry. Knowing that I will never see you in person again is the last thing I want, but it's for the best.
|
self.offmychest
|
This is the only "feeling" I've had all night A lonely hurt in my lower chest, a mild stomachache, and despair. Numb to any positive emotion. Can't laugh. Can't smile. I'm dead inside.
|
self.depression
|
Everytime I try to think of a bright future I think of how hell the past was all I can think of is how much I had to suffer through highschool and freshman year; Because of addiction , anxeity , manic episodes and relationships.
Before I was diagnosed I thought it was the norm , it's life and it's shitty. Now I came to realise that it's just my illness, something you don't have control on. I've prety much given up on trying to make shit better.
meh just felt like venting
|
self.bipolar
|
I’m out! 8 days ago I admitted myself into the hospital! I wanted to kill myself. After 8 days I’m out and I’m on the correct meds to make myself feel like I should! I’m happy as ever! Thank you everyone for the support! I love you all!
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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