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getting closer and closer no matter how hard i try i can't see the point of living. it's all so predictable and vain. i might just end it all one of these days. totally sick of constantly chasing the rabbit; might just slaughter him.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My Life Fell Out From Beneath Me(26m) and My Love(23f) Let Go Of My Hand October 22, 2017 my TN Visa Expired. I had been working in Florida for the past three years, and I loved every moment of the experience. Three years is the max length for a TN but they are renewable.
Long story short, despite having an immigration lawyer, a good paying job, health benefits, and filing taxes in the US, I was unable to renew as planned. We knew (my gf and I) that this was real possibility, but of course, it was really not expected.
I moved in with my girlfriend after we dated for about 5 months. Her parents actually brought the idea up; I thought they were pushing us to build a life together. My family sure loved her. Literally weeks after bringing her home to my family, my parents and sisters were asking me if I thought she was the one. At that time, I was unsure, but I knew she was special.
Her brother introduced us; he told her that he had found her soul mate. We spent weeks as friends first, and when she finally kissed me I looked into her eyes and said "Took Us Long Enough", I loved that she took the first move. She was confident, she knew what she wanted, and I was lucky enough to be it. Our first date was spent driving for hours through the everglades, she loved the bumpy ride of my jeep, and I loved the easy conversation. Better yet, I learned her favorite band was one of mine, an unlikely coincidence when you're talking about "Nahko Bear and Medicine for the People". We were supposed to see them in concert at the end of July, but we ended up in the hospital instead.
The concert was meant to end our road trip through the south, it was my first time, and she was sharing the south with me the way she had grown up. On our last night of the road trip, after an impromptu visit of John B McLemore's property from the podcast S-Town, my gf was boiling a pot of water with a jetboil on a picnic table, she went to sit down behind it and the pot tipped onto her lap. She immediately dropped backwards from the bench and began removing the layers of clothing that was melting to her skin. I ran to her with the water that we had and dumped it on her burns. (I then made the MISTAKE of getting the cooler for her to stick her hands into if you ever experience a burn do not use cold water, it makes it more difficult to clean the wound, and more difficult for it to heal.) As soon as she was responsive to me, I told her I was going to get help and ran to the nearest ranger RV. Told him what had happened then sprinted back to our site with him behind me in his truck.
She was so brave, clearly in immense pain, but level headed. The ass hat of a fire chief that showed up looked at her burns once and remarked "damn girl, you got it bad" and proceeded to tell her that even when the ambulance got there they wouldn’t have pain meds. We finally got into the the ambulance after waiting 45 min, fire chief was correct in saying there were no meds, so again she waited another 45 minutes in the back of the bumpy ambulance calmly as the paramedic tried for the 4th time to insert an IV. When they finally hit the vein her blood squirted onto the paramedic, who said, in 20 years I've never had that happen, I'm glad it was a clean person like you! My champ of a gf replies, "Glad to pop your blood cherry" and chuckles. This girl has 2-degree burns and she’s cracking jokes... I love her. Anyways, we got to the hospital, it took about an hour and a half for the emerg team to clean her up and get her admitted, as soon as she was settled in her hospital room I ubered back to our campsite, cleaned up our things and drove back to the hospital. I got there around 530am. The doctor was in to check her at 9. He checked her burns, diagnosed them as 30% of her body and second degree, he noted 3 areas of concern and told us he wanted to see her on Monday. She called her parents who flew in that evening. When they arrived it felt like they began to take over, and despite telling them that the doctor wanted to see her on Monday they pushed to take her home sooner. I didn’t understand… But I let them make the call. We left early without seeing the doctor again. It was on the 10 hour drive home, with her passed out clutching the big yellow stuffed animal that I bought her that I realized this was the woman I am supposed to marry. I actually called my Mom while my gf was passed out next to me just to tell her my feelings. She was so excited for me, and sent her credit card info so that we could split up our trip into two legs and spend the night in Gainesville.
Her recovery was difficult, but not as bad as it could have been. She stayed with her parents; I visited her after work every day. I missed laying next her more than anything. When she did move back, things started to get back to normal, but they weren’t all the way there. We are outdoors people, we spent all our time with on the water, but while recovering from a burn, the Florida sun is quite literally your worst enemy. We were both going a little stir crazy from being inside so much.
After she finally did get the green light to go outside, we were told that we were in the direct path of Hurricane IRMA. As a Canadian, I had never experienced a hurricane before and my friends and family were bombarding me with questions and concern. My mom cried as she asked me multiple times to come home. My gf and her family however, calm as cucumbers. My office let out a week early to prepare, so I began putting up storm shutters around the house the Monday before the storm.
Honestly, prepping was exciting, and I loved it. I felt like a man, and I loved that she was letting me take care of things. We ran into a few problems. Missing shutters for the longest windows in the house made me nervous. So I contacted our neighbors who I knew were out of town and asked if we could use theirs. They too were in a predicament and needed to someone to watch over their cats during the storm. I suggested a trade, and they were happy to oblige. Later that day, we got a call from my GFs dad. Until now, he planned on staying in their Naples home with no shutters up and weathering through the storm. As the chances of direct impact got worst, they decided it was best to come to our place because of its location and building age. We were happy to welcome them, but when they learned of the fact that we were taking care of the cats, her father began to scream and berate her for offering to do so. After she broke down into tears, we solved the problem by deciding that we would lock the cats in s central area of their home and check on them throughout the storm.
The majority of the storm was fairly anti climactic. But the moment that stuck out to me the most was when her grandmother welcomed me to the family. She told me that she thought I offered something special to the family, and she was so excited to see her granddaughter happy. At one point I could see my girlfriend’s mom talking about saving her and I just kind of shook my head at her to say, “no, it’s okay, this is nice”. I felt so welcome.
About a week of hurricane cleanup went by faster than I ever imagined, and then we got the awful news that my girlfriend’s grandfather passed away. He spent the hurricane with us, and it was his wife that welcomed me to the family. I spent that weekend with my girlfriend’s family in mourning, and sharing stories of her grandfather. I felt so fortunate to be involved, and to be thought of as part of the family. We took his ashes out to the gulf and everyone took a turn spreading them into the ocean. Once again, her grandmother came to me and handed me the box. She said, “you’re a part of this family, he’d want you to spread them as well”. Again, feeling included and loved by her family.
A week later I flew into Canada to renew my Visa. Crossing the border at Pearson airport, I was interviewed by an agent and told that I was missing a single signature from my employer. The officer told me that I could be admitted back as I still had a week on my current visa. “Just get the signature, fly back and do it again.” Obviously I took the chance to get back to Florida, get the signature and fly back 3 days later. I flew into Toronto landing a 1030 am, I walked directly back into security, and was taken into secondary processing where I waited until 3:00pm, literally 30 min before my flight takes off. The officer denied my application, but let me back into the states to take care of my possessions. He made it extremely clear however, that I was to be out Sunday, October 22.
The past year was the best year I’ve ever had. Despite the difficulties we had gone through, I was happier than ever and I’m sure it had everything to do with the fact that I had spent it all with her. We had been talking about getting married for at least 4 months. As things got closer to my visa re-application the conversations became more frequent, and even more public. We talked about getting married at my parent’s dinner table, her friend offered to perform the ceremony, we even asked my lawyer about the process.
Upon my return, after being denied the visa a second time, my lawyer asked me if my girlfriend and I were still serious about getting engaged. I answered yes, and he said “I’d suggest you go home and to have talk with her. It is possible for you to stay, but if you stay beyond Sunday you must get married.” All of a sudden, the conversations my girlfriend and I had about marriage became a real solution to keeping us together. I went home told her this, and we both decided we needed a second opinion on it, but, we decided together that if the second lawyer confirmed this option than we would get married.
So the next morning I spoke with another lawyer who confirmed the suggestions of my original lawyer. Moments later I was on the phone with a Canadian Jeweler where I had found a ring while browsing with my mom the last time I was home with her. Unfortunately, it was a Friday, and the ring wasn’t going to arrive until Monday, I was required to be out of the country by Sunday, but I didn’t really believe I would be leaving. After buying the ring I went home to talk with my girlfriend.
I didn’t quite get the reaction I hoped. She was immediately nervous about going to talk with her family. She wanted their support in this, but was sure her father would be difficult. We both knew he would be difficult. But she was worried we didn’t have our arguments in order. He’s a lawyer, and she felt we needed to have an explanation that he would accept. She looked me in the eyes and asked me if I was ready to face her dad, “he’s going to be mad” she said. Are you ready to stand up to him? I assured her “yes, but it’s not worth breaking up your family”. I think it was here that we paused and decided that this might not be the best idea.
Minutes later I broke down in tears. I was scared of going home to a place I hadn’t been in 3 years; to friends I hadn’t kept touch with, to a life of uncertainty. I needed her love, her embrace, her understanding. I was not looking to guilt her into marriage. Unfortunately, I think that is what happened and I was too naïve to see it in the moment.
“Let’s do it?” she whispered into my ear. My heart warmed with excitement, and my tears slowed. As I calmed down, I looked to her and said, “Maybe we should sleep on this?” she responded immediately with “No, let’s go talk to my parents now” and that’s what we did, hopped in the car and drove to their home.
They were watching the food network in their basement; we were welcomed and sat on the couch next to theirs. “How are things coming with your move?” her dad asked me. “Well,” I said, “We spoke to a lawyer today and have decided that we’re going to get married…”
And then went the fireworks, her dad started with a laugh, and jumped into the “I can’t and will not support it! Decisions like this can’t be made under duress”.
We both explained that this was not a last minute conversation and something we had been thinking about for a long time. I expressed my love for her, our excitement for our future and the fact that this was not go get me a green card but to keep us together, and the best decision for our (his daughter and my) future. It was a difficult 5 – 10 minutes of being grilled by her dad, before her mom invited her to go up to the kitchen. I sat alone with her dad watching Diners, Drive Ins and Dive Bars as he made small talk with me to smooth over the awkwardness before saying; “This has nothing to do with you as a person”…”I like you” but “You don’t know my daughter like I do”.
My girlfriend came back downstairs 10 minutes later with her mom and a glass of wine. Conversation was light for another 5 minutes before my girlfriend mentions casually “So when Joey is able to come back to Florida in December we’ll do….” I don’t remember what the sentence was exactly but there was the decision: we won’t be getting married. She looked back at me and mouthed, “I’m sorry” and looked back to her parents to carry on the conversation…
I was heart broken; I actually faked a phone call and walked out of the room. 5 – 10 minutes later she came outside and I told her we needed to leave. I couldn’t believe she made this decision without me and I told her how confused and disappointed I was.
The next three days were awful; I went through an insane rollercoaster of emotion. Anger, confusion, abandonment, uncertainty, loss, but one thing was certain, I LOVE THIS GIRL AND I WILL DO ANYTHING TO BE WITH HER. It didn’t matter that this happened, I was sure we would get through it.
I was hurt, and I didn’t hold back. I said things I wish I hadn’t, but the honest to god way that I felt was as though she was sending me home. I just couldn’t understand how all the times that she told me she wanted to get married, all the times she told me how certain she was of her love, how all of those things could end in my leaving without certainty of when we’d be back together. Regardless of this, I wanted her more than anything, I was certain our love could handle long distance.
Only a week went by, and she was on a plane to see me. I got the chance to show her where I grew up, and it excited me that the cold didn’t scare her away. She shared her excitement to visit in the future, and share experiences we couldn’t get into the short weekend visit. So, I took this visit as an opportunity to offer her a promise of my love by giving her the ring that I had bought thinking we would be engaged just weeks before.
To my dismay, she took this as though I was trying to ask her to marry her again, as though I had not listened to her, or her feelings from the first experience. I wasn’t… I swear… I just wanted her to have this ring, it was beautiful and it was meant for her hand, engaged or not, I wanted her to have a symbol of my love while we were spending time apart.
Instead she wouldn’t even look at it. I still don’t think she really understands my intentions. I just thought a promise ring would be a nice reminder of the love that I had for her. After she made it clear that she didn’t want the ring, I put it away and we got back to enjoying the rest of our short visit together.
After her visit, a couple days went by and she asked me if I had any plans to move my jeep out of our garage. Her parents own the house we live in, and I’m sure they were putting some unnecessary pressure on her. Well my sensitive self took that as though I was being kicked out of her life. I wanted her to stick up for me; I wanted her to tell her parents I was working towards coming home to her. Instead I felt I was being asked to focus on something that meant literally nothing to getting us back together. I was upset, and I wish I had have reacted with a more level head.
My voice raised, she hung up. I called back, and she expressed how she felt like I was berating and blaming her for what had happened. I apologized, expressed that’s not how I wanted her to feel. We got over it, I thought. But my reaction came up later as she decided that our relationship needed to take a break.
A couple days after our conversation about my Jeep, she called me to tell me that she wasn’t sure it was a good idea that my sister, her boyfriend, and their dog stay with us over Christmas break. I didn’t understand this decision as she had welcomed my sister in the past, and had told her recently that it would be totally fine. She asked me tell my sister for her, and I wouldn’t. It upset me that she wasn’t good on her word. It just felt like another promise that was going unfulfilled. So I called her on it.
I really wish I hadn’t; but I wanted some sort of commitment that we would find a way to be together in the future. I felt that if she could just tell my sister that she was unwelcome after specifically inviting her, than she could surely do the same to me.
That was when I made the stupid mistake of asking her if she was really willing to find a way to be with me when she was done school.
Are you willing to turn down a job offer to come to Canada with me? I asked her…
If not, are you willing to find a way to get me residence in the US?
Silence.
She wasn’t sure of anything. She thinks she needs to have the future planned to a T, but we’re all going through this life trying to find our way. She told me she wasn’t ready to make the commitment and told me we should spend a couple days on a break. “We’ll talk after your trip to Chicago” she said.
Chicago was the longest four days of my life; all I wanted was to talk to her.
Finally, I called her from the Chicago airport on my way home and she told me she thought it was best that we go our separate ways. She told me that she felt we were both irresponsible and she was unable to make the commitment to me that I was looking for. She told me she’s so uncertain of her future, who she wants to be, what she wants to do, that she couldn’t be sure of our future together.
I tried to explain to her that no body is really certain of their direction in life, that it was about making sure that we’re around the people that make us happiest, and the hard decisions are made easiest when we have a support system.
She disagreed; worried that one of us would make the wrong decision for the love of the other person. She told me she felt she needed to be alone to make these decisions herself.
And I was left lost.
Wondering if any of it meant anything to her.
I became a Man this year.
Learned more about my strengths, conquered my fears, and looked a father in his eyes and told him that I loved his daughter more than the world itself.
I learned resilience through adversity.
I faced the biggest rejection I could have possibly feared, and I am OK. Still hurt, confused and questioning my decisions to ask for a commitment; or whether her father was simply right about how I didn’t know his daughter like he did.
But, I am OK.
This weekend she called me while my phone was turned off. Left two voicemails crying and expressing how she hated how fucked up everything got. I could hear her mumble how she loved me, and wished we could go back to our first day. She sounded so hurt, and all I could think about is how wrong it is that we’re not together.
The next day I called her, she apologized profusely. I told her it wasn’t necessary, how I was glad that she called me and shared her feelings. We spent 20 minutes talking, and she told me how she was looking forward to seeing me on Wednesday. (I’m spending Christmas with my family in Florida) I actually ended the conversation with an; I love you, she responded with “I love you too”, which in most cases would be standard, but in our relationship “too” was never a word to add to the end of I love you.
After we hung up, I ordered her flowers in a happy face vase. They were meant to arrive that day. The card said, “Wishing a smile upon your face, Love: Joey”. Instead they arrived a day late.
The response was “Hey I got the flowers you sent, that was really nice of you. I appreciate it, really, but it was just one bad night where I was sad…” the message goes on to say I’m sorry to have drunken called you, I hope you have a smile on your face too.
And that’s where we’re left… minimizing the feelings that were clearly so difficult to contain just a couple days ago. I honestly don’t know where to go from here.
There’s a chance I’ll be back in Florida on another visa as soon as February.
All I want is for our lives to go back to normal.
All I want is for her head on my chest as we end the day.
I just wish that she could see that we want the same things.
I will not go gentle into the good night.
I will rage against the dying light.
I will not accept the death of this love.
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self.offmychest
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Medication Hi.
A couple weeks ago my psychologist mentioned the possibility of taking medication. It wasn't the first time he mentioned it.
I've been thinking about it a lot the past weeks, and I'm considering it.
I have an appointment in a couple of hours, but I'm really scared to bring up the subject. I tried to mention it last Friday, but I failed miserably.
I'm convincing myself that I'm not feeling worse enough to take medication.
I don't think I'll be able to mention it this time...
Sorry
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self.depression
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Is it mean to cut ties with ppl who were bad to you? I had a really tough week where I've to meet people from the past who were nasty to me. I patched things up with them and are on cordial term with them to stop the dramas. But last week, I had to meet all of them in matter of days and I freaked. I couldn't get out of bed. My heart literally hurts and i can't move my left arm.
I cancelled all the appointments citing a cold but now I realise I never want to see them again or speak to them.
But wouldn't it be weird on my side to say " Hey don't contact me for the shit u did to me 4 years ago even though I was still smiling and talking to you?”
But my body can no longer fake it.
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self.depression
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Jordan Peterson & Alan Watts for anxiety Both Jordan Peterson and Alan Watts have helped me control my anxiety significantly. I highly recommend listening to their lectures and/or read their books. Whenever I get anxiety, I whip out Alan Watts’ “Wisdom of Insecurity: a message for an age of anxiety” and read a chapter or 2 on what I’m anxious about and always put the book down feeling better and more confident with dealing with it.
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self.Anxiety
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Would you want your suicide publicized? I frequently browse r/borrow and give out loans and I saw a post about someone who's last post here was about taking their life. Me personally I think that's kind of depressing they went through a lot in life and now they can't even escape in death idk maybe I'm just overly sensitive about these things. If anyone here needs to talk or are in a tough finacial situation please reach out to me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Severe anxiety about mental health care This might seem a little paradoxical - and it completely is - but I've developed really severe anxiety about getting treatment for my mental health problems. I have suffered from GAD and panic attacks for many years, but a couple years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar and had a series of severe episodes that landed me in the hospital, committed involuntarily, and treated quite horribly. I was made to feel like a crazy animal that had completely lost its mind, told I was just making it up, and left to try to kill myself because my suicidal ideations 'weren't real' (I was being overdramatic, I was being anxious, I was too smart to want to kill myself, etc) -- so many different messages at different times; I honestly don't want to get into all of it. There was very little consistency in my care, and having to go through 6 months of involuntary treatment made me so much worse off than better.
Having now been out of that for upwards of a year, I have been trying to ignore all my mental health problems, not attending therapy or taking meds (except for one anxiety medication) because I cannot bear the thought of going back. Even going to an outpatient clinic will have me anxious, bad dreams, panic attacks for days in advance. The irony here is that I need to address these issues because they have started to generalize to ANY health care (i.e. going to the doctor for strep makes me anxious) but I'm afraid to even see a therapist again because all those experiences destroyed me as a person. I'm so much better off after leaving the "system"; when I stop worrying about my mental health problems I can love and accept myself, and life actually feels manageable. However, there is always the concern that my severe symptoms will come back and I know, logically, it's better to have supports in place because it could mean the difference between life and death.
Sorry if that was lengthy...it's hard for me to talk about, but I know it's something I need to get out there in some way. I'm just not sure how to get out of this paradox. Thanks for listening. :)
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self.Anxiety
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I called my (ex?)girlfriend on Christmas Eve because I broke down and missed her We're in a bit of trouble lately. We're working on it, but still it sucks and takes its toll. The fact that I have a period of heavy illness, it's the holiday season and both of us are very busy with that doesn't really help us.
I had 3 very heavy days at work. Yesterday was the last and I was completely exhausted when I came home. Emotionally I was a lot weaker than usual.
Things were kind of alright between us. The balance between us was right again and I felt like the one in charge of the situation again. I always knew what was right to do. And felt confident in my actions and the outcome of the situation. We agreed to talk about feelings more. We had a date about it on Tuesday, which both of us enjoyed as we like to be together. We called Friday night after I had a somewhat tragic day at work. It was nice.
Then she sends me a Snapchat about ordering sushi. I reply something I start to overthink.
Overthinking becomes worrying and before you know it I'm about to break down because I miss her so fucking much. I don't know how or why, but it suddenly hit me. I just missed her, the way we were, the things we did. Everything.
It's almost as if you miss someone more when you're not together.
So, instead of playing it cool, I decided to follow what my feelings and heart told me. And I called her.
A friend of her picked up, and it became a bit of a joke. The joke you pull on friends. If things were alright between us then I'd probably laughed about it. But right now it was just awkward. Made the best of it and hung up. They were about to go out and have a fun night, so my timing was far from perfect.
I'm fine with making mistakes, including my own. I also believe in just following your feelings, especially with someone you have feelings for. But I can't shake the feeling that this was not a smart move.
I'll wait for her response, although I have no idea what to say about why I called. Probably just the truth. Shit happens I guess, even when you have the best intentions.
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self.offmychest
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The end I feel the end coming. I’ve been waiting and waiting and trying and trying and things only get worse. Whenever things actually go right everything falls apart again. I don’t go a day without thinking of dying. Whether it be by my own hand or someone else. No one gives a a damn. I could die and no one besides the people in my house would even notice. And even they don’t give a damn about how awful I feel and they very much know about how I feel. I’m tired of hurting and when no one even cares why not just end the suffering.
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self.depression
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Feeling really weird lately I never feel this way unless I'm hypomanic: Starting yesterday after only sleeping 3 hours I've become super bubbly and to be quite honest, saying a lot of things I wish I hadn't. I was also told that I appear to be scattered all over the place when I'm trying to explain or recall something. My mother seemed concerned when I was talking to her. Also, I've become obsessed with music things and couldn't sleep because I had constant chord progressions in my head going nonstop.
For some reason, I don't think this is anything hypomania related but something else. Maybe lack of sleep, but I've never experienced this from not sleeping before. Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this. I still feel exhaustion from not sleeping so maybe this is all the trazodone I've been taking?
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self.bipolar
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Help I know I will kill myself in the future, if this shit called "my life" will be same. So why not now?
Every day is full of hiding my pain. Every. Fucking. Day.
I am worthless 16 year old shit. Without anybody who would help me. No friends. Can't see theraphist legally without my parents knowing. I have tried to talk about my problem just a little bit and my mother (she is mentally ill thanks to divorce, wich was caused by me being born...) started blaming herself.
I am really considering suicide. Every second Is full of pain.
Social anxiety, zero self-confidence, ugly, depression, hiding all the feelings
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self.SuicideWatch
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Sometimes I feel like I want to die (not really urgent but please help nonetheless) [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’ve reached 50, so that’s 30 years plus battling depression. On the positive side I’m still here and up until recently I was able to carry on a high functioning role in society.
On the negative side I am now exhausted and I don’t want to do this anymore.
I want to finally exit, I’ve done my bit.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Medication and tremors Hello everyone.
I'm on a combination of meds:
150mg Seroquel XR
300mg Wellbutrin XL
100mg Serdep
50mg Epitec
I've noticed the last couple of months I have a slight tremor in my hands. It comes and goes but sometimes it's difficult to hold things like a mug or my phone without my hands shaking.
Does anybody know if any of my above-mentioned meds can cause tremors in the hands or should I consider that something else might be the cause?
Thanks in advance.
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self.bipolar
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Feeling calm but still depressed? I'm feeling really calm, like being in the middle of a sphere and just floating there. But, in the same time, I still want to go to the last sleep and just vanquish. I don't have any life issues. I just, more often by each day, to just get away. Can it be depression?
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self.depression
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Is it worth it? Is it worth to get help?
Is it worth to push forward?
Is it worth to feel like a shit?
Is it worth to suffer?
Is it even worth to live anymore?
I am hopeless and without any help I can not just take it.
I am sick of "wearing the happy mask" everyday.
I just want to live again.
I want to enjoy things.
I want... to feel like a human again.
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self.depression
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Help! Does it ever get better? No matter what I do or what I try it all feels so empty and useless. I can't keep a partner or even get anywhere at work. I feel so stagnate, so useless. Everyday I mentally battle over ending it and now I'm getting close to losing. It doesn't feel like there's anything left to fight over. Are there any resources I can use that can help? I don't think I can continue this fight on my own.
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self.depression
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Lost my ability to read novels Long story
Ever since developing anxiety, caused in part by health scare and part quitting smoking when I wasn't ready to, I've been unable to read novels. I was a HUGE reader prior to anxiety and on holidays I would easy read at least two a week. I love reading. I own all of the Stephen King books and his offshoots. I loved the game of thrones before it was huge, as with the Thomas Harris series. I read a range of books tho, not all horror or scary,including the book of lists, Darwin awards, handy hints and trivia! My bookshelves are diverse and I have books still in boxes because I have no more too. I read every night, typically instead if TV. Then June 13, 2016!
The health scare resulted in me stopping smoking immediately and while some don't suffer with withdrawals, I went through HELL!! For weeks/months I wanted to tear my face off slowly to detract from my cravings!! It was the worst time ever! (I really don't wanna hear how easy others had it, good on you and we'll done, but I've heard it). To this day I would smoke again in a heart beat if I could be sure it wouldn't kill me. But I digress, so. Since that date I have been unable to focus on a book. I've tried multiple times with different books, but I get one, maybe two paragraphs in and my mind wanders. I can't concentrate or take it on like I used to. I know that alot of things linked with smoking habits had to be changed, things like my coffee and smoke on the backstep each morning. If I had the day off there would be a book in my lap. Or during breaks at work, going out with the smokers. If I had a late lunch and was alone, I'd read. So changed it up and did other things but the reading hasn't returned. I miss it. Badly. I find myself still buying new books that interest me in the hope this time, it'll be right... But so far nope. My life sux too much to be unable to escape it!! I've tried acupuncture, chiropractor (I can't sit still) and shrink with no change and I'm at my wits end.
I don't know if anyone has ever experienced this or something like this before, but any suggestions would be welcome? or anyone have experience with similar issues since developing anxiety? I don't think I'd be susceptible to hypnosis but if it's worked in some thing along the same lines then I guess I'd spend the money.
If not, it's still been good to tell someone about it! Thanks for reading my own unintentional 'novel'!!
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self.Anxiety
|
Asleep all day after a bad date Since I got my official bipolar diagnosis earlier this year I have taken a break from dating and sex to focus on self care but I recently started to get back into the game again. I've been chatting casually with one guy and last night I went to go see him perform at a club. I got along with his friends but one of them spilled some beans about him and he defensive towards me and then he got cruel. I got home and felt like my heart had become a heavy rock sinking down in my chest, so humiliated for opening myself up again and immediately being knocked down. I shut all my curtains, laid in bed and have stayed here for almost 16 hours, sleeping most of this time. Even now I just want to go back to sleep but I know I need to snap out of it because every time I wake up the heavy feeling is worsening in a familiar way.
What can I do to stop the downward spiral? I know it's stupid to be SO down from one negative social experience. Tomorrow is Christmas and I can't feel like this going into days of pressured family interactions...
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self.bipolar
|
Apparently my psychiatrist is wrong I just got told by someone that I’m not bipolar. Apparently all the doctors and psychiatrists are wrong about me. I just got told that I don’t need my meds. I just need to exercise and get my heart going and I’ll be fine.
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self.bipolar
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Suicidal I'm feeling really miserable right now. I'm having suicidal thought because I was obsessed with this one girl and we were good friends but I was late and she got a boyfriend, he treats her like shit and I would be much better than him if we were together. Really mest me up.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I... am lonely and don’t know how to adult... [deleted]
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self.depression
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Can anxiety lay dormant?? I've suffered from anxiety attacks on and off for years. I never really knew of a reason for mine. I am one of those people that has gone to the ER during an attack thinking something was actually physically wrong. I hadn't had an anxiety attack in almost two years until my dad died this past November. I thought my anxiety problems were over. I didn't even have an attack when he died or the week up to his memorial. I started getting anxiety attacks every day after, not even thinking of anything it would just come out of nowhere. It's been a little over a month and about a two weeks ago was my last panic attack. That one was particularly bad, lasted 4 hours and I went to the ER because I didn't know what else to do besides get sedated. I was having an attack everyday. Now it's like I never even felt anxious ever. I've even been able to drink coffee again. Did I beat it? Is it going to come back? Does it ever stop? Does anyone else have a fluctuating experience like mine? I have an appointment with my doctor next week that I made two weeks ago to be put on daily medication (her recommendation) but now I'm wondering if I even need it.
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self.Anxiety
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Bipolar Pro Tips you wish someone told you when you were diagnosed I was diagnosed in 1999 and it sucked trying to figure anything out. Here it is almost 20 years later and it still kind of sucks trying to figure anything out!
The simplest, most obvious thing that took me years to really have an AHA! moment about was this:
**Lifestyle is the best medicine**
It took years, countless trips to the hospital and, eventually, regularly taking my medication to get to the point where I understood that medication alone wasn't enough. It was probably about 10 years after being diagnosed. I had finally stopped fighting the fact that I needed to be medicated and was willingly taking my medication every day when BOOM I ended up having a manic episode and was back in the hospital. When I got out I was like "WHAT THE FUCK?! You fuckers kept saying 'Take your meds! Take your meds! Take your meds!" and I finally listen to you and I still end up in the hospital. Fuck you!" >.<
Unfortunately, even that's not when I had the "aha!" moment but that was the turning point. I eventually realized that I couldn't just take my meds and be "normal" (live like other people live). For example, I have to monitor my sleep. Other people don't get sleep and just get really tired and eventually their body forces them to sleep. I don't get sleep and all of the sudden I'm battling demons from other dimensions for 3 days until cops take me to a hospital...
Anyhow, I never had someone tell me "Look. Taking your medication is important but that's far from enough. There are a lot of lifestyle changes you'll have to make to prevent you from going to the hospital." Instead, I just got peppered with this "Take your meds," mantra...
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self.bipolar
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I have no reason to live anymore. I don't think my depression would ever be cured.
I take anti-depressant, and I go to counselling and clinic. However, things never change. I can't study, and I can't do well on anything. This week, I have 5 midterm exams in a row. So far, I've taken 3, and I feel like I failed all of them. I'm in engineering at one of the "considered-to-be-best" universities in North America, and it is really tough that if I don't do well I will be required to withdraw. If I were not depressed, I would feel extremely bad and try to get over it by studying more. Now, I'm not really feeling bad because of the exam. I just don't see any hope and/or possibility of getting better. I'm feeling terrible because I want to die but there are so many things I might want to clear up before I leave this fucking world.
I would be feel sorry to my parents, my brother, my grandparents, my very few friends and so on. They did really nice to me, but I have not returned anything to them. I'm also a foreign student so there are some complicated matters to be solved after I die.
I fucking don't even know what I'm writing here. I think I'm going to kill myself as early as this weekend or as late as some time in March, so if anybody has any idea on how to clear up the things in a short period of time please give me advice.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I got the new job I was going for but... So, I have been going on interviews for the better part of a year trying to get a better job than I have currently. Been on quite a few interviews, gotten rather good at them so got over my anxiety of it. However, now that I got an offer for a job that is really good for me...I have to give my notice to my current employer. They were my first permanent job (not temp or internship type of job), I was here for 4 years and it is a smaller work environment so you do feel closer to your employees. I have been dreading today all weekend because I have to have this conversation with my boss that I will be leaving and I know they will be disappointed and let down. It really bothers me to feel like I let people down
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self.Anxiety
|
It is my birthday and i could not care less, I have nothing ti look forward to and no reason to be happy.
I went out side and shotgunned 4 beers. I have been working on a bottom of rum for the past hour. Whats the fucking point anymore.
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self.depression
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As a foreveralone person i feel myself trapped in a catch 22 loop [removed]
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self.depression
|
I feel like my stomach is brewing pure grain alcohol Hi, everyone! Been awhile since I've posted here not because I've defeated anxiety, but because I've been coping fairly well.
As of late, though, I've been feeling awful, and most of it is related back to my stomach. I know there is a brain-gut connection. We develop bad thought patterns that eventually turn physical.
I get the worst physical anxiety, again, mostly dealing with my stomach. I am having trouble eating regularly. I know my bowels are filled with bad bacteria. It's like I can feel it.
I have a very social job, so everyday, I'm talking to people. I don't really have social anxiety, but my stomach will be churning and I'll be thinking about that all day. Today, for instance, I woke up and after a few minutes, I vomited bile and saliva. Luckily my dinner didn't come up as it likes to sometimes.
I had 8 scheduled calls today, and I just felt the overwhelming dread this morning. It stayed with me throughout the day. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it through the day without partially going crazy, but I did make it through.
I felt myself not breathing correctly during about every one of my calls today. I'm very keen on doing a good job, so I'm extremely careful with my words. My stomach typically always feels bloated, and I'd have small burps here and there, and I swear that it tasted like alcohol. I don't drink.
The obvious thing I need to do is go see a doc. I am prescribed a few anxiety meds, but I need to talk to a gastro doc.
With that said, does anybody have a similar story as mine? Anybody hold a lot of their anxiety in their stomachs? I'm very curious if there are foods that will aid right away. Since appetite is bad, I'd seriously think about going on a juice diet. I just need some sense of direction.
Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
|
Can’t bring myself to work I just want to lay in bed all day. I have meetings today and two of them are important for me to participate in. I feel like I can’t even think enough to talk in these meetings. I can’t reschedule - ugh.
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self.bipolar
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turning 20 in 3 hours Seems petty but I always get stressed about my birthday. I guess its the sense that I am getting older and wondering if I have achieved everything I wanted to do. It just seems like time keeps going quickly and I cant really seem to find a way to slow it down. I think a part of the reason why I seem to be getting stressed is that Im almost 20 and Ive never had a girlfriend or had sex. I see people my age all having/had a relationship and here I am still alone and lonely.
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self.offmychest
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Lithium and alcohol? Hey guys just started taking 300mg of Lithium. Was wondering if I drank while on this medication if there are any adverse side effects to consider? Thanks!
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self.bipolar
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When you can’t do anything right I fuxked up big time and this year has been a nightmare and all I can do is make things worse. I’m so close to ending it but I can’t because I don’t want to hurt my family. Everything I do is wrong and I just want to do something right for once and I can’t.
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self.SuicideWatch
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The Final Collection Hey. If anyone is listening I doubt you will appreciate this.. but. I'm going to kill myself. I have to. 3 days away now.
Before I go I spent the last year and a half collecting toys.. i know stupid, childish. It just called to me ya know? I can't explain i became.. obsessed.
Sorry if you hate it or if it's against the rules. I don't expect much from humans these days i'll post my collection down below. Click if you like Lego or Detective Comics. Which I doubt you do. Goodbye... soon
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depression in unipolar depression vs depression in bipolar I was reading a book on bipolar that said depression in bipolar is different than depression in other depressive disorders like major depressive disorder. I was wondering if anyone can explain the difference, please? I tried to google it, but kept finding sites defining the difference between unipolar depression versus bipolar, which is much broader than what I'm looking for.
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self.bipolar
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I feel like I have nothing to live for. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Bipolar spouse cheated from drug induced mania My husband is from a different country where mental Illness is somewhat taboo and not spoken about.
At first I thought he was borderline personality but it didn't match with him all the time.
He then confessed to me he was bipolar after I found out about cheating.
He took very strong anabiolic steroids for the gym unaware how it would effect him. I've read that even prescription Predisone can cause severe psychosis and mania.
For months he was a beast, extremely paranoid, mean and aggressive sexually. Spent like crazy.
I'm just looking for support that he did actually love me despite his acts. He is now off and a different person but I am so hurt.
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self.bipolar
|
I don’t know myself without my mental illnesses. I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was miserable and terrified of adults as a child.
I was molested by my uncle repeatedly at the ages of 6 and 7 years old. He would babysit my brother and I while my mum went to work. I was made to feel like I couldn’t tell my mum, but eventually we moved out of his and into our own flat and I could tell her.
When I was fourteen I had been living in Coventry for about a year and because good friends with my next door neighbour, who was two years older than me. I went to his house regularly and we played xBox and hung out and generally had a good time. But one day, I went to his and he r*ped me. I was distraught. I couldn’t cope. I was denied and abortion and I took matters into my own hands. I ended up in hospital for two or three weeks. I didn’t press charges because I feared for my safety.
My mental health has deteriorated ever since. It’s never gotten better. I was bullied at every school I went to and my life was threatened (at one point I was cornered by one guy and we were surrounded by 20-30+ kids of different ages, this guys held and knife to my throat and told me is I didn’t kill myself in the next week then he would do it for me).
I’ve tried to kill myself five times, the most recent only being three weeks ago. I battle suicidal thoughts every single day.
I’m super competitive, irritable, angry, self-critical and I can’t cope with it.
But I get up, go to work, look after my horses, practice minimum self care and socialise a bit. I’m so confused I feel like my struggles aren’t valid.
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self.depression
|
Anxiety kills my creativity I’m an artist and am recently in the position where I have all the free time in the world to create. However, my anxiety of not being good enough prevents me from creating anything at all. I’m depressed because I’m a “failure” but really I’m a failure because I haven’t done anything yet.
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self.Anxiety
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I haven’t tried to kill myself for two years, almost to the day [graphic suicide and self harm mention, but overall positive] [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I'm not actually doing too well. I'm actually struggling with a lot right now. I got a new job I'm doing well in and have nearly worked myself out of the debt that I've racked up through trying not to live in an abusive environment through college. Currently I'm trying to move closer to work which is a pain. By all accounts I should be ok but I'm writing this from my bathroom where I've been hiding from my SO and crying on and off for the past while.
By all means I should be ok.. I've crawled out of my depressive streaks, stopped taking drugs, sleeping around and am in a relationship for the past three years with someone amazing and our dog. But I've never felt more isolated. Is it that I'm getting older and that I just can't deal with the change its bringing or is there just something seriously wrong with me?
I haven't been able to see my friends from college due to scheduling and just growing apart, my workmates tollerate me but I know they dont like me.. I'm never involved in any discussions as much as I try and try. The whole cool kids clique from school is what it reminds me of. My close friends are all moving to different countries. I'm a black sheep in my family and always have been.
Even my release of playing music has deteriorated... I think I just lost how to play or lost the passion. I think I'm the issue to be honest... I keep pushing people away or something I guess. I just feel so alone, even when I'm with my SO who I love so much I still just feel like all these parts of me have just broken off and are deteriorating. I think I've just lost my passion for life again and don't know what to do. I just want to go back to being me so badly but I dont think I'm me anymore. I dont know who I am anymore and its killing me inside.
I dont know if theres advice for this, I kinda just needed to feel heard or something.. I know at least one person will read this anyway, even if its to troll or something. Thanks.
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self.offmychest
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What reasons are there to stay alive? I started thinking today about why we should stay alive. I can legitimately think of nothing. If I can't think of anything soon, then I'm saying good-bye to the world
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self.SuicideWatch
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Need to just hate on college, depression, and share my life (really long) [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I dont want to struggle anymore I could do the whole laundry list of problems and sad shit but its all the usual shit, mid 20s, lonely, failure, yadda yadda. The main thing i want to talk about is what the fuck life is. Its a god damn constant struggle. The amount of work and time ive spent on things that went NO WHERE or hurt me in the end is insane. Im sick of it. From relationships, to jobs, to education, none of it has ever worked for me or lasted or had a positive impact on my life. Its this sense of defeat that makes me want to quit. Makes me want to fucking give up cause i dont know if i can climb the moutain again, or get back on the horse, whatever metaphor helps my point, i just cant get through it anymore. Im so alone, im so broken, im fucked from every direction and there seems to be no way out. But the really depressing shit is ill tie a rope, put it around my neck, and get ready then somehow convince myself the miracle is around the corner.. Sick shit. My life could be worse and i am grateful for what i have, but idk how long ill see a light in this dark
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self.SuicideWatch
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Afraid to think I spend all my time on screens everyday: video games, movies, social media... When i am not doing something, i start overthinking. I almost suffocate with all these thoughts on my mind, i don't like it. So i stuck to these screen all the time. I can't be the only one...
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self.depression
|
Service dogs? Is it at all possible to get a service dog for bipolar/anxiety disorders? Is it something I should look into or is it looked down upon? I'm 20 and still haven't gotten a drivers license and if I'm not in severe depression I'm severely anxious. I really want to do things in life but I'm losing hope. Thanks.
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self.bipolar
|
Never thought I'd be here today I was in a relationship with a girl since January and everything was going good. Then a few weeks ago she wanted no contact with me for 6 weeks as I had self harmed and she didnt want that in her life as she has a kid.
I agreed and after 4 days she called me to let me know she was pregnant, and so we started dating again.
This past Thursday she had called me up and let me know that we are done and she is aborting the child at the end of the month.
I took some pills that night in an attempt on my life but sadly I woke up.
I feel like nothing is worth it and I feel I may try again to take my life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why do most / all of us hate this time of year, ? What about people in sunny warm climates ?
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self.bipolar
|
How do I bring up the fact that I may be depressed with somebody? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
help finding a psychiatrist Do you guys have any advice on finding a new psychiatrist? I got new insurance this year and everyone in my network is either from a hosiptal or a crisis center which obviously won't work. I don't know what to do and at this point I'm about to go to one that my insurance doesn't cover and pay $200 a visit because they're the only one who will see me.
I'm also 2 months off medication and I feel a big down swing coming so I really need meds soon.
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self.bipolar
|
I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago I drove my truck into a lake. I instantly realized how stupid I was. I climbed out the back window and stood in the truck bed, my elbows on the cab propped up my chin and I stared at the starry night sky. I tried to process what I had just done. I felt sick, and like a dumbass. I yelled desperately for help, but no one came. I was alone.
I jumped out of the truck and tried to swim to shore, but my long cardigan created too much drag and it was so cold I couldn’t breathe. I paddled back to the truck and clung to the rear bumper for my life, hollering, screaming for help.
“I drove my truck into the lake because I’m a huge dumbass! Somebody fucking help me!“ I was angry at myself for doing this, and angry that no one was coming to save me. “I don’t want to die!” I screamed, hoping someone (God, perhaps) would take pity on me. I didn’t want to die. And all this time I had spent thinking I did.
I climbed back onto the truck bed, which was sticking high up as the cab filled with water, but started sinking under my weight. I had to swim. So, I pulled off my cardigan and threw it aside. I took off one shoe and then the tailgate was underwater. I swam as far as I could with a breast stroke, but I couldn’t breathe for the cold, so it was very difficult. I made it about halfway to shore then turned over to float on my back. With my ears underwater I could hear the electric humming of the Ford F1-50’s headlights. I kicked my legs and did a motion with my arms to move faster. It felt like I would be there forever, freezing to death and trying to escape. I felt the rocky shore on my back and emerged. I was not dead yet, but I was so cold.
My muscles didn’t work. I needed to move, to get away, to get help. But I couldn’t stand, and I could hardly crawl. I lay down to see if it felt better, but it felt like cold and dying, so I stood up as many times as I had to to start walking.
After a while I became aware of my surroundings, and I started to regain feeling (the water had completely numbed me). When I finally felt cold, I thought “That’s good. I can feel.” My one bare foot felt like an icy club, I had no sensation but knew it was there. When I felt my toes, it was like Christmas had come early. I kept seeing headlights zooming by behind a veil of trees. I was deep, deep in a local campground that was right next to a big road. I walked towards the road, and planned on walking through the trees, but they had been planted in a very deep ditch and were impassable. At this point I noticed my shirt and pants were frozen and figured it couldn’t have been good to be wearing them. I took off my t-shirt and my one sock. I couldn’t take off my pants because I saw a car driving through the campsite and tried to flag it down, but it didn’t see me; I was too far away.
The whole time I had been yelling for help, too. Trying to keep myself upbeat, trying to make my voice heard over engine and driving sounds. I sang a jaunty Italian tune (like from the Godfather), and made exclamations about pizza pie and how I was a huge dumbass. I rattled off threats to the wind (“If someone doesn’t fucking find me I’m gonna kill you!”) and really beat it into the wind’s skull that I was a dumbass. I had been zig-zagging between the tree ditch and the camp road. There were more cars on the other road, but after seeing a second car drive down the camp road, I decided to stick to the one I could actually walk on. I kept walking, more hopeful now than angry, and eventually I saw a beautiful blurry (I had taken my glasses off before I drove in) set of golden headlights. I had never been more thankful for anything as I was in that moment, because that was the moment I knew I was going to live.
I spent the next twelve days in a psychiatric hospital. I went to sleep as soon as I got to my room, and was woken in the middle of the night by my door being closed loudly. When I woke up, at first I thought I was still in the lake. I panicked slightly, but I had been on high alert ever since I had gotten out of the back of my truck. I changed to a position that wasn’t lying flat on my back, and went back to sleep.
The first day, I hardly spoke. I wanted to disappear, so I shrank into the chairs in the day hall and slept, curled up into a ball. I wore ill-fitting scrubs for the first three days because I had been admitted on a holiday weekend and my clothes were stuck in marking, where they stick little tags on all your clothes so they know who to give them to. I was more bothered by my cold ankles than anything else. In those first few days I was extremely sensitive about being cold, because I had almost died from being cold. With no groups or rounds, we watched movies all day for the whole three day weekend. They were pretty bad movies. I went to the library on the second day, after I had been moved from restrictions to escort. Eventually the goings on of my unit became routine.
Dan and Kerry, who were very old and walked around constantly and didn’t know what was going on, were fun to watch sometimes. Kerry liked to move chairs around and then trip over them. Dan, on the other hand left the furniture alone but would sometimes have interesting conversations with you. It was always nice to see Kerry smile.
The second or third night I was there, I was reading a book before I went to bed when Dan shuffled into my room through the ajar door and said “Don’t worry, I’ll be quiet.” This was very funny, but I thought Dan really ought to get out of my room so instead of laughing I coaxed him into the hall and went back to reading.
...
While I was hospitalized, I learned a lot. I learned that I didn’t want to die. I learned that I could cope. I learned that I didn’t have to have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm. I realized I need to quit my job.
But the act itself, of course, had other consequences. My lies have been stripped from my teeth. I can no longer pretend I’m perfectly okay, because obviously I wasn’t. I weep often and without warning. My panic attacks have gotten worse. I can’t talk to people the same as before. My parents are both seeing a therapist now (the same as mine), and we will have sessions together. My Zoloft dosage has gone up. My dog is even more afraid of me leaving the house, and of course, I don’t have a car anymore.
So, my life is in big and little pieces that I now have to rearrange to make a happier picture than the one before. It’s not going to be easy, but I think now that I can talk about things openly, it will help. My problems will be less suffocating. I‘m not going to die, and since I crashed into my life, I have no choice but to live. I might as well try to be happy.
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self.depression
|
Life Sitting here watching my son having cricket lessons and contemplating life. Stunning warm day. Contemplating how complicated life can be. Life is great. But at the same time it can be shit. Constantly trying to remain positive can be a real challenge at times.
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self.depression
|
How to deal with loneliness, not being physically attractive/desirable While I'm not a neurologist, I think my depression is almost totally due to my appearance and the life to which it's relegated me.
Here's an example. Woman X, who at least sort of won the genetic lottery, told me I am a "talented" musician. But I don't really care about being talented; having talent or not doesn't fill any voids, it doesn't make me feel like life is worth living, I still feel worthless, even to the extent that I do possess it, etc.
But the compliment itself only made me think about how I *didn't* win the genetic lottery (obviously not her intent; and I swear, no matter how envious I am of beauty, I don't have anything against the women who've won the genetic lottery just on the basis of their winning it). So I went home and destroyed my instruments. Stupid? Probably. But I value self-expression, and that was about as close to an existential truth as I've ever expressed.
My friends point out that I didn't choose them based on their appearances. I hear what they're saying. But on the other hand, everything from participating in the arts to volunteering to travel has left me feeling utterly empty inside. I can remember being on a train in France and looking out the window at the beautiful fields of daffodils and thinking, I should be enjoying this moment, but I know it doesn't really win me that genetic lottery; and then the depression kicked back in extra hard. The same thing invariably happens when I participate in anything that's supposed to be fulfilling, soul-nurturing...even altruistic. It all feels empty, and it always leads back to the feelings of physical repulsiveness, depression over that, anger over it, suicidal thoughts, etc.
I've been over this with the therapist a bazillion times. I understand what she says (i.e., I hear the words, I can tell she's being cogent and sensitive, etc.), but it's impossible for me to take any of it to heart. As soon as I start to think, You have to *accept* your appearance, I feel like...I'm not quite sure how to put it, but it's as if the world loses its colors and sounds, and suddenly a thousand stereos are playing Joy Division at once.
I know it's a stupid hill to die on. But I figure at least I'm honest, and no matter how much objectively...more enlightened I'd be if my hill were eliminating some form of human or animal suffering, I would simply be lying if I said that were my hill.
Does anyone have any practical advice for dealing with this? The best I can come up with, at this point, is focusing on the symptoms of the depression (e.g. insomnia, low energy, etc.). Trying to accept my appearance invariably brings me to the darkest places.
Thank you for your time and attention.
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self.depression
|
Seroquel and cold meds? I've had a cough for nearly three months and it's gotten significantly worse in the past three - four days. My doctor prescribed a strong cough suppressant but I was told to take it at night and start taking my seroquel (200 mg) in the morning because the two drugs interact very badly.
I tried it this morning and I fell back asleep for several hours, felt groggy all day, and had the same brain fog issues that I was having when I first started taking it.
What should I do here? Do I really need to choose between my mental and physical health for the next couple weeks? Any advice would be appreciated.
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self.bipolar
|
please help me. I already posted this in r/BPD but not even there people care about me, no responses, no views, no nothing.
I do not deserve my boyfriend.
He has also had problems and feels that I have not taken them seriously, that I have been more worried about my process than about him and I do not want him to have that impression but he already has it. I'm a shitty boyfriend, I do not deserve him and he should just break up with me.
Have I not been with him as much as he needs? Have not I taken his insecurities seriously? Have I talked more about myself than about him? Sorry, Nico, forgive me. I do not want to be like that, I've been like shit, break up with me please, I do not deserve you.
You tell me you feel less important or left in the background by me, who the fuck would want to be in a relationship with me then? When he told me how he felt I was playing and I managed to distract myself a bit and tried not to think so much about it but now I'm like "shit, shit, shit".
The worst thing is that I know that later I will probably have forgotten this but my mood will be horrible. I feel like he's going to leave me, and he tells me that it's not like that, but I do not know ... I want to believe him, please please try to believe him.
Feeling fake came back because I'm not lying on the floor crying for fear of abandonment, but I just know that I deserve to be abandoned by Nico, I deserve that he breaks up with me. But why should I be on the floor crying in order to not be fake?????????????????
I feel fake, who the fuck am I? I'm nobody. The worst thing is that I feel everything but I do not feel anything at the same time, I hate this. I do not know if I want to hurt myself more and I do not know if I want to kill myself, or well, yes, I would like to take all my fucking pills and disappear for once and for all.
I know that later it will all pass and that makes me feel FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE. You do not have Borderline, you're not depressed, you're just wasting people's time, let yourself go, kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself.
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self.depression
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how do I approach someone that I think is suffering? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I did something and now I’m so nervous Okay so I was diagnosed 2 years ago when I went into a psychosis. I took FMLA and went to the hospital to get treated and initially diagnosed with psychosis NOS which turned into schizoaffective bipolar.
I went back to work slowly working part time for several months before I came back full time. I was a little slow at first but I’m back to as close as I’m going to be to how I was before.
Before I took FMLA I had a technical team reporting to me and I was in charge of strategy. When I came back I saw my team was now reporting to someone else and I lost my seat at the strategy table.
Well I emailed my boss and new director asking to schedule a meeting with them to discuss things. I let them know what I did before FMLA and now that I was back to 100% I would like my old responsibilities back.
I feel so nervous because #1 it isn’t easy for a woman to be a leader in IT and #2 I don’t want them to blow me off or think I’m overstepping.
Wish me luck!
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self.bipolar
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Depression is sitting in Economics class, listening to the lecturer and at the same time wondering how much it will hurt if I jump in front of a train after class [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Constant dread around everything? A few months ago, I was pretty open to doing anything and everything. I wanted to work as much as possible and actually volunteered myself for weekends. I'd go out with friends a lot and *wanted* to hang out with them.
Now I'm almost done with my last semester of high school, only have about 8 days left (not including the "winter break" between them which is a week). I can't even fathom doing anything other than being in my own house.
I get freakishly upset when my roommate invites people over the day of, and avoid plans with other people. I feel like I can't finish school, I just don't want to go. If I miss the last week though I won't be able to graduate. The worst thing on my mind right now is work, and I don't know why. Once I actually get to work I don't have much dread/anxiety surrounding it. But it's getting harder and harder to force myself to go. I feel like I won't really get a "winter break" because I'll be working half the days, even if some days only for four hours.
Even if I did have all of break to do absolutely nothing, I think I'd still be really stressed because I'd have pressure to hang out with friends and do stuff.
This "stress" from thinking about all of this is making me panic a lot right now, I'm not sure if it's a panic attack or what because I've never had one. I really don't know what to do, I just want to feel content or neutral, not even happy, just not so dreadful and stuck in this constant state where I can't relax. Please help.
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self.Anxiety
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Feeling anxious , having paranoid thoughts that I know are irrational. Some friends of mine hit me playing around , but now I feel like on edge . Like I’m having paranoid thoughts like “ you’re gonna get hit” but I know they’re irrational even though sometimes I do get hit by a friend .
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self.Anxiety
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Any alternatives to Seroquel? When I got on it I gained quite a bit of weight. Went on a strict diet and maintained an exercise regimen. Lost some weight but seemed to have hit a threshold. Plus, can't seem to get rid of excess belly fat. Use it because it's the only thing that keeps me asleep. Have been on trazodone and ambien. They'll knock me out but won't keep me asleep. Might be limited to what my insurance will cover,
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self.bipolar
|
I went to a top college and it's kicking my ass 3 years later, totally at a loss I worked my ass off in high school to go to this school, and im not gonna lie it's an awesome school. Awesome people, awesome opportunities, celebrities visit all the time, it's the dream life. It's not an ivy league but a lot of people think it is. The fucking problem is that the classes are NOT that hard, but the grading is like next level hard and arbitrary. It's incredibly cutthroat and competitive, they round grades down and have a quota system where even if you get an A, you get rounded down to a B if you didn't win the "lotto" of people who can be allowed to have an A for that class
This shit is totally unbeknownst to most of the public I find and it's so hard to explain to people why I don't have straight A's when I did in high school. The school is made to deflate your grades as much as possible unless you are scoring 98%+'s consistently, and they make it almost impossible to do that. So the result is that I get usually 3 A's and 2 B+'s per semester. Doesn't sound too bad right? Wrong. They also punish you even more by adding multipliers (not even sure if that's what its called) when lowering your GPA so getting a B+ punishes you more than it would at other schools as well.
Just to give you perspective of how bad it is, I decided on this major and to double major when I had a 3.9(last year). I got 2 89's and my GPA dropped to a 3.3
I currently have a 3.4 overall GPA (junior year) which has basically dashed my dreams of doing research for a few years and going on to get my phd (I'm double majoring in psych and government) since you need a 3.8+ to even be considered for most psych phd programs... it's madness honestly.
Anyways today I took a final for a government class and it was truly the worst final of my life. The ratemyprofessor reviews said that most people in the class leave the final crying but I didn't even have time to cry. The test was just far far far far too long and hard and most people only got about 70% of the problems completed. I finished all of it but 1 subquestion but I think I probably got half of it wrong.
I just kind of feel hopeless.. I'm probably looking at a C in this class and I feel like all of my employment opportunities are just going down the drain. The sad part is that there really is nothing that can be done... Most people at this school get similar grades and just learn to accept it. It's hard for me to because my majors are totally dependent on getting into grad school and going from there. My bachelor's wont get me much like the pre-law people or business students.
honestly it feels like my subpar grades are just erasing my future away day by day
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self.offmychest
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I'm so lonely I'm started to get headaches all the time. I never get headaches. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Have no friends and feel very lonely and sometimes depressed? I dont know what to do at this point? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Thought I was getting better and suddenly can't stop crying Title basically says it all. Today it feels like all the positive things I had been thinking were revealed as a lie. About an hour ago I burst into tears and can't stop. Nothing feels like it will ever change. I feel so stupid for thinking it was getting better. I feel so drained from constantly having to "PR" my life so it doesn't sound so bad to others. I guess today I just couldn't do it and saw thing for what they really are. I'm a sad loser who stays at home
All day while the world continues without them. There's not much more ways I can positively spin that.
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self.depression
|
I don't want to be a burden anymore I haven't had any luck with jobs this year. Quit two within the same year because of suicidal thoughts and depression making it unbearable to even show up, and now I'm considering suicide being jobless again.
I just forked over all but $20 in my savings for November rent. Now I'm burdening my brother with covering my ass on rent for next month because I'm in an indecisive mess about what I want or should do next after my colossal failures this year. Some of my family members are shaming me for burdening my brother with the rent, saying I should get a seasonal retail job, but I don't know if that would really do well for my mental health.
I'd rather not be a burden on anyone...I'd rather not live with the shame. But perhaps they can.
I see no future but being a 9-5 desk jockey who dies of a heart attack, after being tired from chronic insomnia because of an unsolvable existential crisis that deal with an unacceptance of the nature of the whole system. I don't want any of that.
I feel compelled to make a decisive move toward oblivion. If it's going to happen anyway, it might as well be now. Seize the day.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why cant i have a bestfriend? Am i that worthless? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I Fucking Hate My Life Right Now I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be here anymore, either.
I have no motivation to do the things that could make my life better. The less motivation I have, the worse my life is, and vice versa.
Even if people invite me out (which isn't often), I feel like they just do it out of pity. I'm not a first choice. I'm not a well-liked person.
I wish I could just snap my fingers and make these feelings stop.
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self.depression
|
i seem to only have bipolar spectrum symptoms as reactions to medications...is this a thing? So I know I'm only 22 and my mental health could get worse, but when I'm off meds I don't cycle.
I have plenty of depression, but not anymore than I've had since adolescence, i can be very sensitive, but i don't have out of no where mood swings.
The only manic, mixed, or suicidal episodes. I've had are the result of medication.
Zoloft at 15- hypo
every time i've been on stimulants- hypo or mixed
medrol in the hospital- full on psychotic episode
lamictal-mixed ep
quitting wellbutrin- rage and suicidality
I have mitochondrial dysfunction (mthfr) so i'm sensitive in general. I haven't taken any meds for 3 months and I feel totally stable, my psychiatric issues are more inline with autism spectrum.
I've never had any kind of episode that came independently of a medication change. Can anyone else relate to this?
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self.bipolar
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Anxiety over vacation I should be happy that I'm finally going on a cruise, something I've always wanted to do. However, I'm shaky and sleepless with anxiety over the expense, my ongoing dental problems, my kids' safety, and fear that I'll get injured and ruin it for everyone, as I've done on a couple of past vacations.
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self.Anxiety
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Self doubt and emotional labor. TW: Self harm, depression Today’s been very weird. I feel like I need to get it all down. I’ll be adding this to my journal after I write it all out…
How did I start today. Anxious. Lots of anxiety today. I’ve been trying to keep it in my head that the way I feel in the morning upon waking up IS NOT a predictor of the way I’ll feel all day. I’m glad I held on to that.
My boyfriend brought me breakfast in bed, totally unexpected but very good! Got my blood sugar up, which is crucial for me to function correctly in the morning.
Work was super fucking busy because a coworker was out yesterday and we had some work carry over. All the same… I GOT ALL MY WORK DONE, and caught significantly caught up. I’m so happy about that.
Ever since my diagnosis 45 days ago, I’ve been devouring everything I can find on bipolar disorder. I mean come on! My sister is bp2, has been for years, my dad has depression and Aspergers, I was diagnosed with adhd as a kid (I don’t think this is accurate at all anymore???), and I know I had a psychotic break/manic episode as a kid. I was on antidepressants (lexapro, welbutrin) at the time, deeply religious, hitting puberty, and unable to reconcile my sexuality with a fundie religion that nearly drove me insane. (You know what I mean.)
All that said…I don’t really have major depressive episodes. Until my boyfriend reminded me of something that happened in the past year or so I thought that was the case. Then he reminded me that I had previously contracted gonorrhea, and when I found that out, I went into a depression that lasted a fucking MONTH. I felt guilty, I felt responsible for what happened, I felt fucked up, dirty, worthless, wrong, responsible for giving it to someone else, like I failed, I was fucking depressed! But when I got the all clear my mood lifted. Right? Didn’t it? Major depressive episodes don’t have to have triggers PER SE I’m realizing, but in writing this out I realize that bipolar episodes have definite triggers, so why wouldn’t depressive episodes? I have no doubt I was depressed then…but I have no idea if it was tied to a specific hypomanic episode around or near that time.
Anyway. That’s really been bugging me. REALLY been bugging me. Not because I contracted gonorrhea at one point, but the fact that I could and did forget about this stint of time that I was so severely depressed. How could I have forgotten that? Of course, I was fairly oblivious to my own mental health and harboring a deep mistrust of mental health professionals, following my experience as a kid with “throw pills at them and see what works” psychiatry.
That said…here we go into the big thing I noticed today.
I was watching a bunch of documentaries on ERs at work (like you do with an office job), and wandered over to watch psychiatric ER documentaries, in no small part because the opportunity to see patients that have bipolar IN A CLINICAL SETTING may help me identify certain behaviors in myself that I’ve previously missed. Self-published youtube videos and wacky videos meant to describe a patient interview with mania can only go so far. And that’s not very far at all. LOL
Anyway, I caught myself keeping track of, specifically, “What symptoms I would need to present to a clinician to be treated for X Y and Z.” At the same time, I noticed that I was drawing an affinity between myself and certain patients that showed up on the documentary, seeing what fit and what didn’t, which is totally normal I think. But the fact that I was keeping track of what I would need to do or say and exhibit to make someone think something’s wrong…seems fucking creepy to me. I also looked at a few local hospitals for what positions they had open, because watching all these documentaries makes me want to get into medicine, and I’ve been interested in medicine ever since I was a kid. I also started doubting whether I should really put so much stock in a diagnosis that was reached after a single two hour meeting with a therapist that I’ll never speak to again, who I spoke to with the premise “I think I have a mood disorder.” It still seems sensible to me to question my diagnosis, because I know how our minds can sometimes fool ourselves—psychosomatic behaviors/thoughts/feelings.
The rest of the day I’ve been “on guard” against my own mind, as it were, trying to watch my behavior very carefully. But I haven’t been exhibiting any traits of my hypomania. And I’m seriously doubting whether it’s actually, factually the case that I’ve had any symptoms of hypomania or depression, and how they could be connected.
Which I guess is a good sign that I’m currently in remission? It’s objectively true that I have my journal entries, now over a month’s worth, written down. From the times that I thought and felt I’m hypomanic. And that’s all I can really rely on right now, I think, that and the belief that my mind and my senses are what I use to divine truth about myself and my world and that that’s all I have. I have to count on myself. I have to believe myself. Hell, I’m reviewing the symptoms of Munchausen syndrome right now, and the signs around it, but based off my reading and my personal history and family history I’m very confident that I’m not making my symptoms up for attention or emotional validation.
It’s just so fucking hard right now. And on top of this, a fellow redditor expressed serious suicidal ideation and intention [(they had already cut themselves and posted about wanting to do worse, after posting about being alone and depressed on Christmas and wanting to get out of town), and I haven’t heard anything from them. I told them to call 911. No idea if they’re even still alive right now.](/spoiler) AND at my second job, [a professional servicing a particular area was murdered by her husband in the past month, so we took over her clients. I spent some time tonight going through the files that we just recently got. Tons of emails and letters from her are printed out and included in their files, and something as simple as “Sent from my iPhone” is just fucking HAUNTING. She’s dead. She’s gone. And now I’m going to be working with the people who she left behind, with files that she handled herself.](/spoiler)
I’m writing this right now while my bf and roomie watch Miracle on 34th Street. I’ve been isolating myself for the past hour, two hours with my headphones, reading American Gods and now writing this post. I have so much that’s gone through my head today and so much emotional labor that’s been done today, second and triple guessing myself, massive overload of work at my day job, dealing with deceased individual’s clients, and having my boyfriend snap at me for being snippy with my roommate. On top of revisiting old depressive episodes, and dealing with anxiety for a trip that’s coming up this Friday.
I think I need to go to sleep. It’s late and I’m clearly very tired, even though I still feel energized. Fuck. Thanks for listening. :(
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self.bipolar
|
I wish I was dead I'm 26 and have nothing to show for it; no job, no friends, no significant other, no goals, no ambition, no accomplishments, severely depressed for 14 years, severe anxiety attacks everyday for 3 years, live at home with my verbally abusive alcoholic mother who's kicking me out at the end of the month, soon to be homeless, can't hold down a job because of my anxiety, deadbeat dad who hasn't been in my life for years, abnormal fear of death but I still want to die, in debt, feel like crap mentally, emotionally, and physically every single day, and I hate myself because i'm a selfish, lazy, cowardly, toxic human being. After everything that I've been through in my life if I become homeless I will kill myself. I absolutely refuse to struggle and suffer anymore than I already have and the day I become homeless is the day I will be dead.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just looking for someone who might have been through a similar experience So a couple of days ago I tried to kill myself by overdosing on pills but was unsuccessful (obviously!) Have been finding things really hard to cope with and I’m constantly down - I’m trying to put a plan in place to get things better but at the same time a lot of me just wants it to be over forever cause it’s all a bit too much. Really Just wrote this to get it all out but any comments or advice would be cool too x
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self.SuicideWatch
|
No education going to kill my worthless self I'm 18 and I fucked my life up so I'm just going to kill myself because I'm a worthless fuck who can't do anything right. I have an 8th grade education who the fuck would hire me and how would I be able to pass the GED I'm a fucking moron. I have no friends or anything and everyone is done with me because I'm so worthless I never do anything so now I'm stuck living in this house listening to my mom get verbally abused and there's not even any running water I can't take anymore I'm so fucking stupid I ruined my life I have no idea what to do no transportation and no working phone only works with Wifi. I am useless and deserve to die there's no hope for me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Something my friend said made me more suicidal than normal [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is there something wrong with me? I got out of the psych ward after a two week stay just a few days ago. They diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder, but I don't know how accurate the diagnosis could be given that I have the tendency to act accordingly to avoid certain diagnosis. My mother keeps trying to label me as a psychopath or sociopath, or a borderline. Mainly because I don't love her, I don't necessarily care about her or my brother. I think about them dying a lot, but I wouldn't kill them or anyone. I just know that I wouldn't particularly be upset if it happened, and that goes for most other members of my family.
I do have feelings for a few of my friends and partners, boyfriends or friends with benefits but I can't picture losing them like I can my parents. Maybe I'm too self absorbed but I really don't know.
My IQ is 108 so I don't think I could be a sociopath given that they usually are much smarter than the average person. A psychopath I don't know either but I really don't want to diagnose myself with anything, I'd hate to label myself as that kind of person.
I used to be a Christian. I was reading an old journal a few days ago, from eighth and ninth grade. I had written out a prayer, angrily question God as to why he allowed me to be born without the capacity to love my family.
I've never been suicidal, or tried to hurt myself past a certain extent. It seems like every emotion I do have is stronger to me than it would be the average person, I don't know why. It's hard for me to empathize with most people.
Based on experience or general knowledge from a third party, what are the possibilities that my mother is right about me? Is this regular teenage angst? I'm nearly seventeen.
This has been bothering me for a solid amount of time now, I thought maybe this could be the place I get a few answers, at least opinions.
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self.depression
|
My friends just told me that they lost all respect for me Alright lets get the basics out here. 16(M), Junior, and fucked.
I'm failing. Failing school, failing my family, my friends, and failing life. I smoke pot more often than not, and its fucking me over. My friends know I do it, and I'm pretty sure they hate me for it. Everytime I say hi, I'm told to go die. Before you get all alarmed, my friends usually do this, we all do. We say it to each other because edgy humor. But today, they sounded so full of malice and hatred. I was called a junkie, told to never speak to them again. Now I've sunken even further. I've become more apathetic. I want to cry, I want to feel what I never could. I can't feel emotion. I never could. I thought weed would help. It didn't. In fact, is not. Its actually more detrimental than originally thought. I want to succeed, but I just don't care enough. Why?
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self.offmychest
|
What would have been our four year anniversary instead marks the last time I harmed myself [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I have been having stress-induced delusions of past sexual abuse in which I can feel my abusers surrounding me. I just wrote a suicide note and took out my stash of alcohol, including my “just for dying” vodka, and soon I’m going to start taking Valium and I just want to thank you all as a community I have no hope left. I see a psychologist twice a week, equivalent of $100 every time. Five psychiatric inpatient stays, each one worse than the last. I just don’t care anymore. I want to die tonight.
Thank you to the community of r/depression folk. I wish you all the best. You can do it. I believe in you.
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self.depression
|
Just learned that my childhood friend married and had a kid with her 60 y/o stepfather... I'm (mid 20s) so sad and shocked and disgusted.
We were friends in 3rd grade. Our circle of friends knew that her (we'll call her Ashley) family struggled financially, she doesn't live with her mom, was raised by the couple she *was* living with (we'll call them "step parents"), and there were rumors that she was abused. After elementary school I never saw her again and a few months ago something reminded me of her. I started searching FB and Google for more info on her but nothing turned up.
An hour ago something reminded me of her again and I searched through court records, relatives' social media profiles, Google, voter records, and I've learned that her biological dad is nonexistent, she was raised by these step parents because her biological mom was in and out of jail. At some point they moved across the state and the couple divorced in 2004. Ashley opted to live with the stepdad, who in 2010 remarried. Her stepdad and the 2nd wife divorced three years later and **29 fucking days later married Ashley**, who at the time was freshly 18, a year after she graduated high school.
**3 months** on the dot later she gave **birth to their son**.
I'm so fucking disgusted but then I get hit by a wave of realization that she was likely sexually abused by this guy throughout the entirety of her childhood, and after a decade of grooming and Stockholm syndrome later had a kid with him.
And that is her life. She didn't get an education and it doesn't look like she has a job. That's her **life**. It's so fucking sad.
^^^Also, ^^^ain't ^^^no ^^^shame ^^^in ^^^my ^^^creepy ^^^sleuthing ^^^game. ^^^The ^^^FBI ^^^should ^^^hire ^^^me
It's obviously none of my business but that's why I'm not reaching out to her, talking to anyone else about it, and anonymously getting it off my chest here. Thanks for reading.
Edit: ughh I fucked up and forgot to use "Ashley"
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self.offmychest
|
It's been so long since I've been mixed, I didn't recognize it at first But, here I am. The past two days have been a roller coaster of sobbing every time I'm alone, crushing anxiety, but also moments of feeling better than I have in weeks.
I'm home from work right now which I feel bad about on an existential level, but I know it's the right thing to do for myself, today. I feel very unstable. So unstable. I'm trying to lighten my schedule a little this week. I don't feel like I can really tell anyone around me what's going on, right now. My parents are close by, but my mom is getting ready to fly across the country to deal with a health crisis my grandpa is having, my friends all have lives and families of their own, I've only been at my job for three months, and I already feel like The Weirdo in the office, even though everyone likes me well enough. I'm crying again and falling apart, but being mixed means I don't have as much guilt about it as I usually do, so that's nice...
I took today off, so I'm going to deal with this by getting in with my psychiatrist and therapist. If I just do the things I would tell another person to do, I can get through this. I'm so tired. This is all I can manage to write, but I feel a little better. Thanks, reddit.
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self.bipolar
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I'm so tired of caring about people who don't give a shit about me. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I feel betrayed but I know I shouldn't be, I shouldn't have trusted in the first place. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Got Lamictal rash. Inexplicably disappointed. Advice please? I cannot explain how upset I am. I was about 2 weeks into a starting dose of Lamictal, and IT WAS WORKING. I could just feel a tiny little damper over all my emotions, and even people in my life commented on the almost immediate difference.
Well Saturday evening I was getting off the chair and looked down, and noticed little red spots all over my entire stomach, and kind of running down my legs. Didn't hurt, didn't itch, just red splotches. I took a benadryl and tried not to have a complete meltdown (I have, of course, googled the horrific Steven-Johnson Syndrome). Still took my dose that night because I just couldn't bare the idea of stopping.
Next morning I woke up and it was the same or worse, just wrapped around the front of my abdomen and stretching down my thighs. I went into urgent care (walk in doctor, not an E.R.) just for my own peace of mind. She confirmed right away that it was an allergic reaction to the medicine (she said it usually starts on the stomach?) but not THE rash and she didn't seem too concerned. Told me to stop the Lamotragine right away, and gave me steroids and allergy stuff and whatever to get rid of the reaction.
Well... almost 48 hours since my last dose, I can already tell. In mood and the rash lol. I can still see where it was but it isn't raised at all, but my mood is exactly back to where it was, not to mention the high dose of steroids is completely whacking me out / making my husband's life hell.
I will obviously call my psych tomorrow, as they're closed for the holiday, and I'm suppose to see her Wednesday anyway.
I'm just disappointed. It's literally the first med in my entire life that has just... plain and simple, made my life better. It was the best 2 weeks I've had in a close to a decade. Is the reaction indicative that I will never be able to take this medication? Could it be a side effect that will go away over time? Are there other medications in the same class that might be possibilities?
ANY advice for someone who's feeling really hopeless and let down right now lol?
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self.bipolar
|
It's eating me away I seriously hate sharing stuff like this but I have to get it out...
So I'm 25 and have been depressed for most of my life. And it all stems from loneliness. My sister was born sick so my parents had to see to her. I'd be an ass for wanting it any other way. My mom has since apologized. My dad told me in anger that he loves her more. Anyways, there's definitely a hole that could use some filling up. The only way I can think of is with a relationship. Because that's all I've ever really wanted. But I can never seal the deal with anyone. I did once but she used me for sex. Not that I'm some god in the sack or anything she was just lonely. So I have one bad 8 month relationship under my belt. I've tried filling the hole with tons of music, movies and creating art. I've loved drawing since elementary but even that's not enough anymore. I just keep falling into the same trap. I fall way too hard and then get crushed even though I know the entire time they would never want to be with me. The few times they did like me back it was bad timing. I'm talking to a friend now who liked me way more a few months ago. She even told me she loved me. And of course I let my guard down and fell in love like I knew I would and now she doesn't love me anymore and I didn't even get the chance to be with her or try to make something work. Bad timing like always. Her baggage won't let her be with anyone. She's not ready for a relationship but she likes me but now she doesn't like me as much anymore and it's fading fast. I don't know what to do. I can't live like this anymore. I'm not a loser or anything I have a car an apartment and lucked into a badass job. I have some friends but even they get tired of me. All I do is work and sleep and try for her affection. I feel like I'm dying. I know I should try other stuff with other people possibly but I can't just get over her like that. And who would want some fat worthless sack of shit with ADHD OCD depression and constant suicidal thoughts that I can't even act on because I have too many people counting on me anyways? I can't even watch porn without falling into a jealous spiral.
Idk. I just have to get over it I guess. Maybe pay a professional to pretend he cares. I'm not going to kill myself or anything. I couldn't do it then and I definitely can't do it now. Sorry for coming off as whiney or whatever. I just had to get this out. It feels like it's eating me away from the inside.
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self.depression
|
Wow. Yesterday was the worst day I've had in a while. Can't remember feeling shittier. Just one thing after another and I was losing it. I'm ready for today to be not even good, but just better than yesterday. Shouldn't be too hard. Sometimes I'm glad for bad days like that (after the fact of course, not during) because they show me the importance of calm.
Hesitant to add meds into the mix bc they haven't helped me personally and just became a distraction, but it's definitely time for me to see a therapist.
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self.Anxiety
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I have no clue at all what I want to do with my life. [removed]
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self.offmychest
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Im tired of people falling in love with "me". [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Scared of my Suicidal Thoughts I keep getting worse. All I need to do is control myself. But I know where to cut. I've practiced and I know the blades are sharp enough. I don't want to die, but I keep going further and further. I know that sometime in the next few days I'm going to try and kill myself. I have a plan to start TMS treatments. I want to do that. Maybe I'll get better. But I need help now. I need a hospital. I can't wait for the TMS to maybe make me better. But my parents can't afford a hospital again. So I'm just trying to hang on so I can do the TMS. But I don't think I'll be able to. I'm so scared that I'm going to let everyone down. That I'm going to ruin my other arm. But I can't go to a hospital when the next possible solution is right here. Why can't I be okay for just a little bit longer? Why can't I hold it together? I don't know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Life is not worth living. At least thats what it seems like. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I went to the city today to buy cloths, when I got there I saw how ppl look like models, then I looked at myself. I went to the city today to buy cloths with my mom. I’ve had depression for 3-4 years and has finally started to pick myself up again! I have bought some new cloths, invested in a skin care routine and I wanna start gym. I care a lot about how I look, I wanna look like a model. I got a new haircut 2 days ago, I thought that would make me super hot.
However the haircut did make me look a little better but not even remotely close where I wish to be, and I don’t know what I can do more. I also realised when I arrived to the city, how EVERYONE look like models. They look super handsome/hot in their super perfect cloths, they all look like models and walk around with their high confidence. Even if they don’t have a high confidence they can still fall back on that they look like models. I look awful. On top of this they all walk around with their friends/gf/bf and I have a goal to make 1 friend I’m the end of 2018... aka I have none.
(I’m 19 y/o)
I just wanna cry.
Edit: worst part is that I know I’m pathetic sitting here making pointless reddit posts then doing something about it. But I just don’t have the energy.
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self.depression
|
I couldn't get over the alarms I was having about a relationship. Now I have regrets. I'm 21 and in my final year of undergrad. At the beginning of the semester, I went on a few dates with one guy and we made out a few times. It was actually my first time doing that type of thing with someone. But I let him go because I couldn't get over the alarms that kept going off in my head. I keep trying to justify my actions but nothing seems good enough. I'm afraid I might have let someone amazing slip away.
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self.offmychest
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Depression and isolation, what to do I can't make myself communicate with anybody. If anyone texts me, whether it be my mom, sister, or friends, I just can't get the energy to respond. I've stopped caring about possible judgement, but is that giving in to the depression?
What do ya'll do? Do you force yourself to talk to people? Do you feel the need to explain yourself if you don't deliver how others want?
|
self.bipolar
|
Anxiety Causing Bowel Issues Sorry, this post is going to be a bit TMI, but I desperately need some advice.
I've been dealing with unstable bowel movements since May 2017, but around the beginning of September 2017 I started experiencing daily diarrhea. It's been difficult to go to school or anywhere outside of the house without being paranoid about not having opportunities to go to the restroom. The anxiety about the bathroom makes the diarrhea worse.
I've also been experiencing more abdominal pain, mainly everywhere but sometimes under my left rib cage and in the middle of my left side.
I've found that caffeine makes it worse, so I've cut that out, but it didn't solve much.
I went to the doctor last week and he ordered a blood test and an x-ray but it didn't show anything. He also ordered a stool sample but I have yet to take it, as I took Imodium to get through the school week but it screwed with my bowel movements by making them more solid but still urgent.
I did talk to him about anxiety being a trigger for it but he wanted to look at other issues first.
I think there's probably another cause of this, but I think my anxiety and stress is the main issue.
Have any of you experienced this?
If so, I would love to know what made it better or worse for you. Any suggestions are appreciated :)
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self.Anxiety
|
Crippling anxiety and panic attacks, best meds? Currently dealing with complete hell of anxiety and panic persisting throughout the day. Likely due to a thyroid issue. Until that issue is dealt with I am looking for a way to cope with the anxiety and panic. I am currently on Zoloft, Lyrica, Intuniv and Vyvanse. Would xanax or baclofen be a better/safer addition? The plan is definitely for short term use.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Conflicted About My Dreams So I work in a conservative industry (education) and I am really good at it and have the potential to move up and go into administration or curriculum development or something.
While the idea of moving up sounds good, it fills me with stress and anxiety because my position as a teacher is already difficult. My other dream is to become a published comedy writer or a stand up comic but all of my inspiration for material is based off of my whacky, not too politically correct adventures of having mental illnesses.
I am torn because on one hand, if I post up stories or images attached to my real identity I will most certainly get fired if any students, parents, board members or administrators find my stuff. On the other hand, I feel like I have a voice that will help others identify with their struggles too. Art is super important to me and I hate the fact that my industry silences me.
Any advice?
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self.bipolar
|
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Also, do you dislike talking? I have bp2, diagnosed about three years ago and shortly after I began receiving disability benefits and stopped working. It took about 2 years of constant struggles to get my depression under control (my mania rarely gets out of hand), work through cbt, and get to a mostly working med regimen. For the last year it's been honing in on the right meds and just working to live day to day being as symptom free as possible. It's a full time job, as you all know I'm sure. But the longer I am just living to survive day to day, the more I am questioning what I'm doing with my life. My husband says that I am paid to take care of myself and that is what I should focus on. My mania says right now I'm a loser and I could change the world if I just started putting some effort into it. My rational brain quietly acknowledges that my job is to take care of myself, but it's okay to do other things. My pessimist mind just keeps telling me that if I take on any kind of obligation it's just going to trigger all of my symptoms and I'll have a nervous breakdown again. My optimist mind...well....I don't really have one. My animal mind thinks I should fill the hole with babies. My cautious and realistic mind asserts, rightly, that I would be a terrible mom and can't bare to think about passing these genes on to another human (my husband has schizoaffective, the kid would be doomed).
Is it enough to just live as healthy of life as possible and just appreciate that I have the freedom to do so and stop complaining...would it be enough to dip my toe into some volunteer work or writing projects or social clubs one or maybe two days a week...does my life *need* to have meaning for it to be complete....what will I regret more, not doing something greater or compromising my mental wellness for the sake of feeling important?
Obviously a lot of my questions can't be simply answered, and really can only be answered by me because the answers are individual to each person. I'm just struggling to figure out what the point is...what my place in the world should be, can be, will be.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for here, probably just a place to put this out there and see if anyone else is struggling with this like me.
On a totally different note, because I am curious: does anyone else find they don't like to talk. I don't mean to dislike engaging in conversation, but rather don't like to actually physically open your mouth and make noise out of the hole in your face? The older I get and the more under control my symptoms are, the less I want to talk at all. It's just a weird thing I was curious to know if others experienced.
tl;dr Do you struggle to find the meaning in your life and what the point of it all is, like, all the time? Do you dislike the actually physical act of talking?
|
self.bipolar
|
felt bad then looked in the mirror and feel even worse I'm genetic garbage. A waste of carbon. I'm worthless subhuman bovine scum.
|
self.depression
|
Lows getting lower For the life of me, I can’t figure out what is keeping me from eating a fistful of pills so I can continue to do the only thing I actually want to do, sleep. I have no one. Even that backup friend I never really liked in the first place, gone. I’m not sure how it happened. It was like one day everyone turned on me. Each situation and bridge burned is more baffling than the next. I feel like the universe is fucking with me.
For example: Last night my landlord and his wife called me together, bc I didn’t pay my rent. In California we don’t have to pay rent until the following day if it falls on a bank holiday. When I tried to politely explain that a bank holiday meant I cOuld not go inside a bank, I received a twenty minute lecture from them both, (because everyone talks to me like I’m an incompetent female), about how everyone has to pay rent.
This resulted in my driving around to various stores to get “cash back” following a transaction bc due to daily atm withdrawal limits being$400 and the bank being closed, I had no other way to access the money in my account. So even though I went out of my way to do that series of inconvenient errands, my landlord was still had this to say:
“I have to say this is not how it should be and I will refrain from saying more.
So, it is very late.”
To which I replied :
“I agree so I’ll refrain as well because this is also incredibly inconvenient for me. That’s why there is a law for this.”
From this followed an incredibly uncomfortable in person exchange of cash. Now this where the baffling part comes in. This is what every day of my life had been like for the last six months. It’s one giant shit on Natasha fest where this dumb incompetent girl can’t possible be right. ...
As soon as I arrive home from the exchange of cash, I receive a very agitated phone call from my landlord and his wife saying that I did not hand them the correct amount of money. Lucky for me, I had some downtime in the car before the handoff, so I had counted it so many times I remembered that there were 38 twenties 4 tens and one hundred dollar bill. So in the middle of the screaming I try to interject that maybe they could tell me what bills were there so I could see if maybe one dropped in my car. As I’m asking reportedly for him to count the number of twenties, over the screams of his wife saying not to count it again because they did and it’s not there, he finally begins to count and shockingly, all the twenties are there. Then shit gets real weird. I start having to argue basic math. I’m on the phone and I’m speechless bc as most people with a calculator or third grade math know, 20 X 38 = 760. So I’m fucked. I am speechless. If they aren’t going to believe math, something essentially black and white, i might as well start speaking a different language bc nothing I say matters.
Eventually I could hear the husband starting to realize that maybe the cash did add up correctly so I gave them an out by saying maybe they wanted to call me back in a few minutes. Later I received a text saying,
“It’s all here. Goodnight.”
No apology.
And so is my trash heap of a life. Empty. No human relationships. No money. No passion. No desire to get out of bed. And frustrated to tears.
I hate crying. I spend everyday frustrated to tears.
I wish I was dead.
Anyways. This is my first post to an Internet forum. I wonder if anyone actually reads this through to this part. I know I would have skimmed and skipped a long time ago. Jesus even I bore myself. Except that’s not true. I think my sense of humor, the one no one else seems to enjoy, is the only thing keeping me on earth.
|
self.depression
|
"Lamictal won't make you gain weight"... source: Dr. Liar My Dr put me on Lamictal and literally told me "if you read anything that says it'll make you gain weight ignore it, it won't. Meanwhile... I've gained 15lbs!!!! Ugh. They don't want you to have depression, they don't want you to have rage, they don't want you to be manic, and they don't want you to have anxiety.... just fat.
|
self.bipolar
|
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