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A letter to my partner that they'll probably never read I don’t think we’re on the same page anymore. We are drifting apart.
I am starting to resent you for the lack of intimacy in our relationship. It's been one year. I’m frustrated. I’m not happy. We are like two different people who want different things and the only thing keeping us together is some love and a 13 year history together.
You don’t look at me the same way I look at you. I’m still head over heels for you. I still get the butterflies, the feeling of just wanting to jump you and make out with you. Throw you on the bed and climb on top of you and please you. It makes me so fucking sad and hurt when I have these feelings (at least once a day) and knowing that I cannot act on them because it’s unwanted. Or, secretly wishing you would do the same to me. It breaks my heart every time and it kills me.
I need to have things to look forward to, my psych says. But I know I don’t particularly look forward to weekends because it means that you’re home and I get those feelings even more. You want to stay home and chill, while I want to do something exciting and different. I’ll compromise and do nothing too, pretend that I’m happy and that I’m fine with it, but I’m kind of bad at hiding it sometimes. I’ll lie to you when you ask if I’m ok because I don’t want to ruin your time at home. I’ll start to resent you a little more and then feel extremely guilty for it and then start to hate myself, feeling like the most disgusting human being that no one wants to be with.
I just hate feeling more lonely when you’re around than when I’m alone.
And I know I shouldn’t be putting this pressure on you. To be my happiness. I’m working on that. But, what is the point in being in a relationship when we both want to spend our time completely different?
You want to be alone. I want to be with you.
You want to chill at home. I want to go out and do stuff.
You want to sleep. I want to be intimate.
You don’t even know if you want me or not. That hurts.
I just want to feel connected again with you. Even when we are together, we’re both not present. We are both mentally elsewhere. When we aren’t doing anything, we are on our phones. We just don’t spend any quality time together anymore and we just plain forgot how. That’s probably why I want to go out and do stuff because we are free from all that and we can just be together and make new memories.
I know you’re struggling and you’re trying your hardest to be happy. I just sometimes find myself pretending to be happy when I’m with you and realised if that’s what our relationship has now come to and I’m scared.
I just miss what we shared before. I miss us. I miss you. I don’t want it to be over.
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self.offmychest
|
College sucks and so does my life. I recently moved 30 miles away from my community college.
No job, applied but no calls back. I'm using the rest of my savings on gas to attend a 45 minute lecture.
Professor hates when I don't show up everyday, takes away my extra-credit & test-correction opportunities. I know she doesn't like me.
Grades are dropping.
I have no friends, no companion, no support system.
Lots of chores. No one in this damn house helps. I have to cook, clean, unpack, bring all the furniture upstairs, etc. Has to be done before anyone gets home from work.
Get reminded everyday of the car accident I was in two years ago. Brother complains of the high insurance. I'm in the process of being sued for that.
None of my old friends check up on me, not even my dad. The last time I saw him was on my 18th birthday to cancel child support. Two birthdays later and I still haven't heard from him. He talks to my brother, though.
The only thing that upsets me the most is my education. I always loved school and I used to get good grades, but I don't have that passion anymore. I feel like my life problems won't allow me to focus on my studies. My life sucks.
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self.depression
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Anxiety with my girlfriend only getting worse and I know that it’s all in my head [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Awwwwkward Hit an all time level of awkward when I gave advice about how to avoid lice on a plane to my bald friend....
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self.offmychest
|
A year ago I set out to go back to school. A year later, I'm having to do it all over again. [school anxiety] Anxiety, along with depression, has gotten the better of me my entire life. School in particular, is this intimidating beast. I keep finding myself bailing on classes, or not accomplishing work, simply out of a general anxiety and fear that I'm just not cut out for it.
I wish everything were just a matter of how smart you are. Truly, it isn't. I find not much is. It's about the discipline and fortitude to push forward, attributes I really don't think I've done anything to master. The anxiety in me grows because of it.
I hear in my head that I'm not ready, that I'll never overcome, and that defeatist monologue is running nearly all the time. I keep trying to reprogram, and it just takes time; all the more that time itself becomes a tool of anxiety, of that voice inside me. Anxiety, depression, as familiar as I feel with both of them, they always find new ways to force me to act in ways that might counteract efforts to overcome them. To "overcome" is, as I believe and view it, the freedom to choose who you are, and not be defined by them. Coping and managing are amazing benchmarks for anyone, and yet I find that I believe in a total transformation. I really do.
Someday, I guess, I'll be able to say I chose who I am. For now, I'm just struggling against the heavy pull of the tide. But I'm definitely not going to disbelieve that there isn't a greener pasture beyond the walls and ideas that depression and anxiety are these immutable states. I think I've come far enough to know change is possible, it's just feels fucking impossible, and it's designed to feel that way, so fuck them both lol.
Cheers, I hope everyone finds some quiet amid their anxieties tonight.
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self.Anxiety
|
If my goals fail, I will end it If they fail, I will be doomed to a sad life. Been on meds since 12, and they don't work. No therapy works, and I've already spent birthdays in mental wards and shelters.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Im never gonna get a girlfriend Growing up was a hard challenge for me. I didn't have the best of childhoods emotionally wise. I've been overweight for a long time, as in my whole life. I was never the popular kid anywhere in my time from elementary to high school. Often times, I found myself either alone or sitting with the "outcasts" because they are the only people who were to accept me. Everyone else would just laugh or find some way to mock me in any way they could. I couldn't really develop the social skills available to some of the much more outgoing individuals, because I don't have years of experience on me. However, what really helped me through it was watching a lot of romance movies honestly. I watched the beautiful interpretations of life where a beautiful girl (both personality and looks wise) would fall for someone such as me: A shy and awkward character. I began to associate beauty with this idea that they can help me, or they'll be the ones to finally save me from this retched nightmare, even though I myself am not a relatively attractive person . I like to believe that I am not a 1, but definitely not a 10 (if i had to pick, I'd say I'm a five). Obviously, it was hard for me to even talk to a pretty girl, because I felt that "Oh since they are cute, that must mean that they don't wanna be seen with me". However, there are a few who I believe to have shown interest back as well...mainly because they didn't mind for me asking for their number (2 to be exact). However, both of these chances have been lost both by my inability to socialize well, and also by me being the sick puppy waiting to be euthanized (aka only helpful to make you feel depressed). I got to the point where both of these girls were willing to share their past with me (both times found to be great actually), but me sharing my past with them, even with using a little detail as I could without changing my past, turned them away. They slowly began to see what I really was, a pathetic person who has way too much baggage for anyone to handle. Both friends ended up to slowly stop talking to me, and any conversation I had with them became shorter and shorter. It was clear what was causing it to me, and I knew I couldn't change it. These people who I thought would be the ones to listen to my problems and talk with me, are merely just nothing more but rent a friends, as I know the more personal we get, the more and more I know that the time I have with her is running out. It makes me believe that I just really wasn't meant for someone on this world, and that no one wants to date someone with the baggage of 10 lifetimes in the span of a 20 years. I know that's not a lot of life to go off of, but it's just how I feel.
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self.depression
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I drank pesticide I don't have the will to go on anymore. I don't have the guts to drink the whole cup, just a sip already burns. I'm so tired. I am crying right now and I know I won't be able to handle 2018. I miss people. I wish someone cared enough to stop me. I don't know what to do anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What are some rules that you have for yourself and your day to day must do list? I've been in treatment for almost a year now. One of the hardest things to do has been admitting that I have certain limitations and there's things I have to do in order to stay "healthy". At first, I rebelled because I thought that by admitting I need the pills or I need a bedtime, I was basically saying that I'm not like everyone else. For months, I struggled with giving up alcohol. It absolutely did nothing to help me, I just didn't like the fact that I COULDN'T have it without sacrificing my mental stability. What are some things that you've found that help you and you must keep a part of your routine? What are some things that you cut out? Mine are:
-Regular sleep schedule
-No alcohol
-No drugs
-Avoiding sugary foods
-Exercise everyday, even if it's just a walk
-Weekly DBT sessions
-A social activity at least once a week
-No TV after 9 PM or social media (I can't handle the excitement)
-Take my damn meds!
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self.bipolar
|
When you spend money on dating apps- And more men visit your profile than women while you're a straight man.
I hate my fucking life. Why can't I attract women?
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self.depression
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I don't know how to express myself without sounding angsty or cheesy. [deleted]
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self.depression
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[Help] My girlfriend is going through depression and it is getting way too complex Hello Reddit,
first of all, this is going to get complex. Sorry and thanks for taking the time.
She used to be a great friend of mine. We lived 500km away but we talked a lot and she fell in love with me. I wasn´t interested in a relationship with her at the time and told her that I still appreciated her love though because people who love are important to have around.
Some time later a friend of mine fell in love with her and then he tried to date her. They actually had an affair and ended up in a relationship. This (ex-)friend of mine, for some reason, always insulted me and tried to make her hate me by making up bad stuff about me, which she knew it was not true. Still, he was extremely jealous because he knew she was in love with me and got angry everytime we spoke - which is the usual thing to do as friends. He got mad at her several times and pretended to have an asthma attack in front of her (which made her leave the argument) and also hurt himself and threatened with commiting suicide everytime she said it was too much and the relation was getting toxic. That was awful but I didn´t know it. All I knew was that I was always in the middle of their issues because of the guy and I avoided contact with them - I am ashamed of that. No need for excuses.
A year after they started dating, she left him and I started dating her. I learned by then that during her relationship with her he always messed her head to the point she spent a full week without getting out of her room.
While we were dating, for some reason she still wanted to be friends with him and kept on threatening her and even had sex with her twice. Guess what, no consent on her part. She didn´t want to. Of course, I didn´t blame her when I learnt about this.
She stopped attending her lessons. I was helping her with the exams and stuff. Tried to do things with her but was impossible, she felt no impulse to do it. This started to asphixiate me, and I tried to find some time for myself and she thought I was doing wrong. She started to get angry with me very often for every little thing and started blaming her depression on me. She even broke my PS3 and some gifts she made me. I am not proud of this, for obvious reasons, but I gave her a slap and forcefully stopped her from keeping breaking my stuff. I didn´t know how to react. Sometime she just starts shouting at me when something as simple as not finding a proper place for a picture that she wants to make (because of her depression) and after 4 years of relationship I´ve grown pretty tired of it and sometimes I can´t handle it and tell her to stop thinking I want to make everything go wrong and that it is not my fault, that I also wanted to make things with her. But she thinks whenever something goes wrong it is because I didn´t try hard enough. Sometimes this happens in the middle of the night and she even kicks me out of the house with nowhere to go. I don´t know how I am holding it together. When that happens I tell her I won´t go and she gets angrier. But what can I do? Freeze to death in winter in the street?
I told her many times that given her hatred for me I can´t keep up with her, that she needs to seek for help and support from her family. But she refuses. Also, all of her friends ditched her for stupid reasons and she is all alone. I feel all this weight on me, and whenever I am not trying do something with her or handling her anger/depression, I just lay on the sofa, playing videogames, not feeling any passion for my hobbies, try to feel like I achieve some escapism. I don´t need that much help for myself, but for her. The situation is pretty critical. She says she would commit suicide if she wasn´t with me, but at the same time when she is with me she says it is all my fault, that she hates me and that she should take me to the police for that time when I slapped her. I am pretty scared both for her and for me. I find myself in a limbo in which anything I do will feel wrong or I won´t be able to stand it.
I really need help. There is no excuse for the wrong I did. But whenever I try to make things better she just hates me so much she does not enjoy a thing. She thinks it is fake and that I never loved her. I don´t know what to do. Please, if someone has made it this far and has some more questions or advice, it´d be much appreciated. I´d like her to be fine and I really need this to be over. It is messing me up and everytime I say it is also hurting me she tells me to stop making a victim out of myself, that she is the suffering. In a way it is true, but it is really hurting me and I blame it on her when this happens saying that I am trying to help her and that she needs to see it.
Sorry for the long post and thanks to all of those who feel like lending a hand by giving some advice.
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self.depression
|
Generic title. My little brother pulled a gun on me a few weeks ago. That really affected me. Which is saying something because I've been so flat for so long. Last night he apologized and invited me to come hang out with him and his friends. It was great. While I was building up the fire he confronted me, in a drunken state and began hitting me. I refused to fight back, dropped to my knees and just took it. He called his friends over to help, im not sure if they where hitting me or not, but someone pulled him off of me and restrained him. He then called our mother and told her that I was belligerent and trying to fight him and his friends. I could not leave because at some point he took my keys. Long story short most of my family believes him, as I have had trouble in the past. I am now being forced out of my home with my grandparents because my father is buying into my brothers bullshit. Which means i'll be going from a quiet, stable and "normal" household to a loud, walking on eggshells, borderline abusive one with an alcoholic father and a crazy mother.
This I guess, was the straw that broke the camels back. As I sit here typing this, my face is swollen, my back, neck and back of my head are all bruised and stiff. Still it feels good to have physical pain for once. Anyway, I think i'm gonna tap out guys. Later tonight.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am just losing it Short story, I am 30 and a student. I started Community college in 2013 at Sacramento (were my wife and I lived) when I was 26 (late but because work at the same dead end job since I was 18). Love it and doing a great job especially math highest level trig but ace every test. Didn’t want to be a math teacher so my consular suggested to apply math to something else like science or business. So looked in business schools to transfer. My wife and are from sac and wanted to transfer and move somewhere that is different and to start a new chapter in our life. moved to Reno at the start of ‘16 planning to go to UNR for business but waited a year to get in state tuition. Then my wife got in a bad crash in the snow and we decided we didn’t want to live in the snow so move to Las Vegas mid ‘17. Now a ok/good job as a data entry position at an accounting firm but requires to be full time and nothing else. Now I am upset and depress because all this time I could have been done and transferred out of community college to a university in CA and in CA community college is practically free and UC can be free if qualified for a grant solely based on income and just being a CA resident which I would. So now in NV going to school part time looking at graduating in like 4-5 years but if I work part time and go full time I will have to get a regular job most likely and quit my job now and not get the experience on my resume. Wish I just stayed in Sac but nothing I can do about that and that is what’s making me depress all the time I wasted where I could been a lot closer to being done and losing this job experience.
A lot of details that don’t really cover the whole story if something doesn’t make sense I can expand more on it
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self.depression
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Our university is having finals and we're surrounded by 3 major fires. I'm at Northridge, and many of the fires are around our area. Many of my friends and colleagues are cut off from going to school by freeway closures, and since I'm in the biology department, a lot of people are just going around rescuing animals. And yet, life goes on, still have finals. It's surreal, it's like the rest of the world is going on around our school. Air quality is burning our eyes and there's giant plumes of smoke, but yet finals are the most important thing in the world. It's bizarre. I plan on going, I can drive, my roads aren't closed, but I get why a lot of people won't go.
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self.offmychest
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I’m hurting Being lonely is giving me physical pain and making me sick. I don’t know how I’m supposed to hold on when nobody has ever cared about me. I have no friends or romantic parters in my life and I just don’t see the point in continuing on if my whole life is spent staying up until 3 am trying to cry but not being able to.
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self.SuicideWatch
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26 hours into terminal dehydration Hi, (I don't know how to start one of these but here goes) my first and only diagnoses I received was Depression from at the age of 4. It was only about a year and half ago that I was told this by mother who initially lied and said it was autism and only told me the truth when I asked her about what I was specifically diagnosed with. My mother explained that because of the divorce she thought it was natural for me to be depressed(it would just clear up). She also called the child psychiatrist a hack who was only trying to get me hooked on antidepressants.
I've also recently been wondering if I suffer from BPD as I both intensely desire close relationships with people but also find my self fearing that in truth they hate or dislike me. Often I find myself avoiding healthy relationships out of fear of rejection or simply being judged. I'll self sabotage aswell, making what I know are rude dismissive and mean comments about people in order to match their expectations of myself with my own.
I should probably get to the issue at hand. Right now I'm currently 26 and half hours into this suicide attempt which I'll admit isn't the first time I've tried this way. I currently feel empty and I'm not sure why. When I was working(barista) I felt the same way so I quit and started working in a kitchen because I thought the change would do me good and I would be able to learn some new skills. About a week ago i quit my new job after a fit of anxiety. I suspected they were going to fire me after I called in sick and told me that I was cleared from the rota and would have to have a discussion with the GM about working again. However I had already convinced myself it was time to move on (after only 3 months) and that the restaurant i was working at would be better off without me. In the past week I've tried getting back into making art as it used to be my passion. However, as many of you have likely experienced, I found myself hating what I was painting/drawing and beating myself up over it. I could no longer find enjoyment in self expression. So that's it - I feel like I can no longer make myself happy. I'd often find that if I really worked towards something like making art or gathering my friends together that I would at least experience an afternoon of happiness or something close to it like feeling accomplished. I've always known that life wouldn't always be happy and never could be but if it is nothing but anger sadness and emptiness then I don't want to live anymore - there's nothing to live for anymore. It's just not worth going through all the hassle when I just end up empty handed and feeling worse than before.
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self.depression
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Has anyone here ever taken LSD and... thought at some point throughout the trip, “wow this feels kinda familiar!”
I’ve taken it several times and usually at certain points I’ll think this to myself.
The euphoria, the fast thinking, sometimes just the way things look (HD vision). Just the headspace in general.
Anyone know what i mean?
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self.bipolar
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I'm tired (Please don't mind me, I'm just throwing all of my thoughts out; not holding up very well)
I can't "keep fighting" I have had enough of this bullshit. I am tired of constantly begin in pain. I want to cry but I can't. Life has become a CONSTANT nightmare that you can't ever wake up from. I know this is coming off as edgy by FUCK does this hurt. I am not sure how much i will endure, but I truly feel like i'm nearing suicide. I have prayed and read the bible, I've spoken up, I have tried to get help, but what happens? I STILL end up feeling like shit....Sorry If I come off as a whiny bitch.. I just had to let off some steam
Probably what's worse is that not only do I have to stay but I have to stay here with people who CONSTANTLY joke about what we're going through/use it for their own personal gain/ or completely undermine us. It's disgusting. I give up.
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self.depression
|
can someone help me I don't know what to do can someone help me I don't know what the hell do I do with my life I am fed up with myself I mess every shit I do and now because of my depression I am not able to do anything literally nothing I cant sleep much like last night I couldn't fall asleep at 2 AM I was like of u need to sleep the thing is I have class at 11:30am exactly 2 hours from now and I have a practice exam there for my real exam on Wednesday so somehow I fell asleep but i woke up twice one was like arround 3:30 or 4 and the other was at 5:30 ish and then now I woke up at 9 my alarm rang at 8 to wake up I didnt want to wake up its like I have no will power to wake up I dont want to do anything the only reason I havent suicided is because of 4 peopel 2 of them are these 2 peopel who have been there to help me out with my issues I dont know them much but they are still helping me and I dont want to hurt them and let their time anergy and efforts on me go to waste and the other is my science tutition's teacher and my maths tutition's teacher
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How can anyone find me amazing, if I don't do anything worthy of it? My girlfriend is amazing. She's kicking ass at work. I've met a new friend at work, she's also amazing.
How do I make people think I'm amazing? I wish they could see how much effort it takes for me to keep going to work. To get up. To smile and try to enjoy things with the gf. To force myself to be happy. They put in effort, they get career success/do something amazing. I put in effort, I get out of bed, I go to work.
Kinda sucks when you feel like those who you believe to be great people don't have any reason to think you're great, too.
Today started okay, it's Friday. I'm going to see a photography exhibition with my gf. That will be nice. Now it's gone existential and I want to ask loads of questions which will inevitably end up with me feeling like shit and just wanting to sleep the weekend away.
Fragile thoughts and emotions suck. It's like skating on very thin ice. Those brief periods of happiness add more layers of ice, but you always end up skating over the same part until you fall back into the cold water.
Sorry, turned into a bit of a rant. I don't have anyone else to say this stuff to.
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self.depression
|
I can't get help 16/m here. If I tell my parents that I'm depressed and I need help they're gonna shame me, tell me that others have it worse, and possibly throw me out of the house. They say that depression is for people that're lazy and make themselves depressed end of story. Fuck their stigma on depression. This is why millions of people die from suicide every year just because they can't face the stigma and shame surrounding mental illness and depression.
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self.depression
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This guy I know lost his mother to cancer earlier this year... [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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So, I'm just been feeling so low... And yeah, been considering drugs the past week. I've been sober the past 2 years now (on the 22nd of this month, will be a 2 year 2 month streak). I know the cause, my girl dumped me because I wasn't happy with her going out to party with a bunch of dudes. I just need some motivation to push through this month, before the suicidal stuff creeps back on me again, and well yeah ...
Halp me pls. I need some smiles.
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self.depression
|
How do I get help wuthout my parents knowing about it? Today I (17F) had a little meltdown in school and finally got to talk to a counselor about what I've been harboring for the past few years. (Hating myself, occasional thoughts of suicide, loneliness, self harm). She suggested that I go to an inpatient care facility just for a screening and, if needed, hospitalization.
Dad came and picked me up and the counselor explained what was going on. He said he would take me but when we started driving there he said that going there would ruin my record and future, the staff only cared about drugging me up and getting money, etc. He was still willing to take me there but clearly voiced his opinion on the matter.
I argued, he argued. We were a mess. He started to tell me how he also had suicidal thoughts but he was able to power through them and he wishes the same for me. My dad is very opinionated but I know he cares for me. He just wants me to voice my thoughts more. He thinks that if I do that I should be fine but I don't know. In the end, I was just exhausted on the matter and asked to be taken home.
When my mom got home from work, she told me not to do whatever I did at school again or else they'll lock me up in the loony bin and to go to them when I was stressed out. I still don't want to though.
I still want help but I'd rather it'd be without my parents knowing about it. How do I go about doing this? Also would being in inpatient care really screw with my record?
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self.depression
|
The ethics of commiting suicide and assisting in suicide are regularly discussed, but I very rarely here anyone talk about the ethics in interupting a suicide. I think one of the worst results of a suicide isn't just a failed attempt, but an interupted suicide attempt. With the risks involved with interupting a premeditated suicide, should it be considered unethical to interfere with someone who is attempting a suicide, and potentially leaving them with lifelong problems like brain damage when they had knowledgably taken all the necessary steps to end their life?
Title edit: Hear*, not here. Pardon my lack of editing.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
You don't need to invite me if you don't want to But kind of expecting me to drop out when every indication I gave was positive just stresses me out more than the fact that you haven't given me any details about the event happening this weekend.
You know I have some social anxiety and need logistics to properly prepare myself.
If you don't want me there, you didn't have to invite me. It's ok. Really.
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self.offmychest
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Buspirone advice? My doctor is putting me on 10 mg buspirone, taken twice a day. I've been on citalopram 20 mg for 8 months, and it's helped with depression but not at ALL with anxiety. The doctor really talked up buspirone and claimed it had almost no side effects or risk of withdrawal, but that just makes me suspicious.
Any experience, especially with buspirone combined w an SSRI?
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self.Anxiety
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Is there actually a reason not to kill my self? I've heard it all
Family and friends
Unreleased music
Love
Moving up in the world
Things getting better you're only 16
Well it ain't getting better and none of that shit matters.
Ultimately I'll be dead. A minuscule amount of people will be affected and they will be temporarily upset but does it really matter? I was going to die anyways.
Sunsets don't matter
Love doesn't matter
Money doesn't matter
Jobs don't matter
School doesn't matter
How I feel doesn't matter and the effect of me going away does not matter.
Wether I'm burning away, rotting in the dirt, wherever the fuck our energy goes I don't care
I just am done
It's like someone makes you go out and buy a video game you hate and has shitty storytelling and you have to play it Every. Fucking. Day. All day long.
Fuck that
I'm a person and I can quit if I want to
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have no friends. Not sure I want them? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone have a problem with their anxiety making them physically ill? For years now I wake up randomly and have the overwhelming urge to throw up. Sometimes I do and some days I don't feel like this at all. I'm definitely not pregnant. It affects how much I eat too. Some days are a real struggle
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety and chest pain Does anxiety cause chest pain? I had a really bad panic attack today because of it.
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self.Anxiety
|
I do not want to change. I am lazy. I am dishonest. I am cowardly. I am selfish. And I do not want to change. The compromise between my desires and my responsibilities to society, is my death.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to live my fantasy. I am a 21 year old male muslim. For many years I have been thinking about sex, which is normal really at my age, I am a decent looking guy and been working out and playing sports since I was a kid, I have had many opportunities for sex, one was with a private tutor who has extremely sexy and had one hell of an amazing, curvy body; my last opportunity was in a trip with aiesec that I had, have met many hot chicks from many diff countries, one even came to my hotel room one night and kept talking about how much she missed the intimacy with her bf and wanted to be touched, and I still did not cease the opportunity, I kept convincing myself that it was the right thing to do and it would be a betrayal to my parent's confidence in me to go travel for the purpose of "sin", yet after these moments I feel a huge amount of regret and keep thinking about what would've happened if I took action at that moment. I don't like the idea of waiting for marriage to have sex either since I don't believe in true love tbh, I know this might sound stupid and that I am contradicting myself but I really don't know what the fuck I am supposed to do, your mind can really fuck you up sometimes.
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self.offmychest
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I want to die My fiance broke off our engagement yesterday.
I feel sick.
They said maybe after a while we can talk about it, but I feel like they are never cominfg back.
I can't eat, or sleep. I don't feel like I deserve anything. I can't bear the holidays without having them with me.
I don't know what to do. Time seems like it's going extremely slow. I just keep on going over our conversation.
I want to kill myself but I don't think some people in my family could handle it.
But i lost my best friend. I lost my future. I have noone to talk to. Noone to cuddle. I can't wipe his tears away, and I wasn't even able to talk to him long because his family was watching.
I don't know if I can do this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My insecurities are killing me I'm so insecure about everything that I can't buy clothes or go for a haircut without worrying people think I look weird. So I end up hating how I look because I hate the clothes I have and I hate how my hair looks. I hate the way I look. I hate myself.
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self.offmychest
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If I didn't have siblings I think I would have already killed myself. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I feel like I don't deserve the good things in my life...at all I've been trying to go steady with a decent job, new friends, and trying my best everyday to make my family proud. However, everyday it feels like I do something to screw up all my good fortune. No matter how much money I get, or how much my family and friends lend me unconditional support I feel like I never truly deserved having these beautiful things. I mean my parents nurtured me through losing my job and going through the lowest part of my life, and you know how that made me feel? even worse seeing how so much love can poured into and how I can't even think of ways to show that love back. My job feels no better either. I've been working to having a good career in aquaculture, but it feels like everything I do is a mirror to my incompetence. I feel everyday I try to earn my keep and do good and it all ends with a terrible job being completed at the end of the day. My coworkers say I'm doing good, but I feel like they think I'm doing a poor job all the time, which causes rifts due to not wanting to be judged. almost like I put an x on their faces. I also feel like the love of a woman is something I have less than earned. I mean what woman wants a nerd who has no social skills no friends and keeps to himself? not a damn woman that's who. I just feel like my incompetence at life is getting in the way of me being happy, but I also feel like my happiness isn't well earned and never will be. This paradox is making me go crazy.
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self.depression
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Just saw my ex with another man We broke up a couple of months ago cause she cheated on me and just saw her out with another dude and fairly sure she went to his house afterwards, they seemed really close and I’ve never seen this guy before so can only assume they met after we broke up. Feeling pretty shit right now.
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self.depression
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How to stop feeling like it's never enough? No matter how much I study, how much I exercise, how many chores I do, etc, I always feel like I should be more productive. Work harder, study longer, run more, etc.
It doesn't matter if I *am* getting results, if everyone congratulates me on my progress, if I am clearly doing as much or more than my peers. I can always find someone who's doing more, who's stronger, who's further along with their studies - even if the comparison is preposterous. Eg, someone who started years before I did.
How can I stop comparing myself? I know I'm always brushing my limits, and this doesn't help. I can't even relax on my days off because I feel like I should be doing more or else I'll fail catastrophically. I'm going bananas.
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self.Anxiety
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Give me encouragement please 😞 I’m so down, I don’t know how long I can hold on 😢
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self.Anxiety
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What is the best rope to use? I have been looking at home Depot for the correct rope to use. Are there any known brands that work or types of rope?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Wife went rogue this month. Think she might be bipolar My wife and I have been together for 7 years. The past 2 years have been rather bumpy, not for our relationship, but just our lives in general. I lost my dad, she lost her grandma, her aunt diagnosed with cancer. More recently, last year around this time she began experiencing fatigue. Lost her job around Christmas. Started to feel better in the spring and returned to her old job she had before. Then started feeling the fatigue again. Got a sleep study done and was diagnosed with Narcolepsy.
I did my best to support her this entire time, helping her make and driving her to doctor's appointments. Picking up the extra housework, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry. Even taking on extra jobs to help us financially.
We saw another doctor for a second opinion in early September. She said the diagnosis wasn't definitive, and other factors needed ruled out. This aligned with my belief as well, that I wasn't 100% convinced (since the nature of the disease there is usually a triggering event, and there was nothing that would explain it). Doctor told her to get her vitamins to not just normal level, but optimal level, and gave her some new medication called nuvigil (a more powerful longer lasting form of what she was already taking, provigil). We also agreed she would take a work leave of absence at the end of the month to figure out how to better cope with the disease.
October rolled around, and she got a vitamin shot, started working on her art (she has been trying to put out a children's book for some time), and just chasing other dreams she has before she turns 30. She met a local artist on instagram who took an interest in her work. He at first wanted her to do a nude modeling for a picture, which we both weren't comfortable with, so I suggested maybe he could help her with her art instead. Which he did.
She immediately became enamored with her art work, staying up all night working on projects. As part of her taking a leave of work, she was supposed to be figuring out a consistent sleep schedule, and was now doing just the opposite. What's more, I missed her. I remember reading it's good for couples to go to bed at the same time, and I really wanted us to stay close, so her staying up all night was starting to weigh on me. She told her PCP she was feeling better and really excited about how things were going. Meanwhile I'm still picking up all her slack, feeling neglected, and genuinely worried about her health. Her blood pressure is practically pre-hypertension at this point which is abnormal for her. She thinks it was from the ritalin she had been taking before the new medication, but I thought it might also be due to the new medication and/or the provigil, because it was still high after she stopped the ritalin. Also the wacky sleep schedule was not good. She even admitted that maybe the new medication might be keeping her up at night. I made a few comments to her about it throughout the week.
-I hope this doesn't become a habit (her: it won't)
As it worsened -you're on my brother's schedule (my brother stays up all night), she took offense to this
Eventually I told her I was worried about her health, and am just concerned. She said she's fine.
Anyway, after a couple weeks of this, we were at a bar and she was talking to all the guys there about her art. Now I could be wrong, but I doubt they were genuinely interested in her art as much as she is pretty and they were interested in talking to her. As we were leaving she was signing a picture she drew for one of them but didn't have a pen. The dude looked at me and called me a hater for not having a pen for my wife. I immediately pulled a pen out of my jacket.
As we were walking home she as talking about how great it was everyone loved her art, meanwhile I'm feeling like crap bc she was hanging out with all these guys and didn't even stand up for her husband when one of them was disrespecting me. I told her that's good but maybe we need to get opinions from someone other than a bar. She immediately took offense, ran ahead of me and locked herself in the bathroom. This turned into, probably our biggest fight we've ever had.
I asked her why she didn't stick up for me. She said I should have joked back with the guy. I said some stupid things like those guys don't care about your art, they just want to talk to you because you're pretty. I also told her how much it was hurting me her staying up all night and that i feel like I never see her during the day and miss her. She told me her art is the most important thing in the world, more important than me, more important than her. I was having my heart broken. I threw a plastic cup I was holding on the ground. She said I was being violent. I spent the rest of the night just pacing and trying to cope with the gravity of what she had said. Finally I sat next to her and said if you're going to stay up all night so am I. She told me to go to bed and leave her alone. I told her no. Finally she said I reminded her of some creep that followed her at a club once, so I took the hint and went to bed.
In the morning I apologized, (no apology from her) but we still were at an impasse about her staying up late. So she decided to spend the day/night with her friend. Finally the next day I told her if she really wants to spend all night on art, then I'll find a way to make it work. I also mention maybe marriage counseling would be good, she says I need to see someone first for a few sessions before she'll join. So I spend the whole day looking for counseling, and reach out to one via e-mail.
The next week we were on pretty good terms it seemed. She kept staying up late, but I let it slide even though it was difficult. During this time I guess she posted on instagram about having insomnia. Remember, this is someone who is supposed to have narcolepsy.
Her instagram presence grew during this time, posting more often. She told me it was to build a following for her art and modeling dreams. I was as supportive as I could be, but again I'm still concerned about her health.
Finally, I meet her and some friends a happy hour one day. Her friends are talking about some new thing she is starting. I'm clueless and ask what is going on. She tells me and i don't know how to react. She says she has an interview at a modeling agency tomorrow. I ask her what about the chiropractor appointment we have together. She says she won't be going. I tell her we plenty of time to make it, I'll drive if she wants to get ready in the car for her appointment. I'm a little upset she just would schedule this and not cancel her appointment, but am just trying to get her to do both. Finally I give in and say I'll tell the doctor you had something come up.
Later we talk about it and I am still feeling guilty about the first time and tell her I support her and give her a hug. She says it's about time, all her friends and family support her. I ask her what she means. She says at the bar I didn't react favorably. I tell her my side, being the last one to find out about something important like this, was kind of hurtful. We agree we're both mis-communicating.
That weekend (before halloween) we go out with friends to the bars. Me and her have a great time with everyone. The next day she does it again with my sister. 2 nights in a row of staying up late. The next day she is up early because we have a memorial mass for my father. We spend the day at my mom's and have a good time.
Monday I help her get ready for the day ahead. I ask her if she wants to keep her dentist appoint the next day since she has her first day at work and might be hard to do both. She says yes. After I get off work I call her just to check in. She seems annoyed, I guess she was trying to nap and I woke her. I brush it off. We also go to her mom's to celebrate her new job. She starts telling them about it and gets really emotional. We pop champagne and I toast saying "hopefully this new job is really successful." Later Help her pack up her car with props for her job as this new webcam girl model she insists there's no nudity and it's really professional--I give her the benefit of a doubt).
The next day I'm leaving work and go to call her to see how her first day went. When I take out my phone I see she has been trying to reach me. Apparently she was running late to her dentist appoint and didn't know where it was and needed my help. I call her, she answers frustrated and says she's not frustrated at me. Says she's not keeping it. I ask her if she still plans on meeting me at the eye doctor to help me pick out new frames. She says she's too tired and is planning to go out with her friend later so she wants to go home and nap. I tell her if she wants she can go to my mom's and I can meet her there (since it's close). She agrees.
At my mom's I walk in an see her lying on the couch trying to nap. She tells me about her day and I hug her, and listen. I still kind of have my reservations so I'm not acting super excited but not saying anything negative either. She asks me if I can make her soup after a nap. I say sure.
Well my sister comes over and starts talking to her. She starts getting upset with me because I didn't make her soup and asking where her soup was. I ask her if she's ever going to nap. She says no and yells at me to make her soup. I begrudgingly go into the kitchen to start making her soup, feeling neglected and like a servant. I put the bowl in the microwave and sit down at the table to start drawing on a pumpkin with a sharpie. Next thing I know she comes storming into the kitchen pissed and yelling at me about the soup. I'm frustrated and have a knee-jerk reaction of throwing the sharpie at her. She says I hurt her. I immediately apologize and says sorry I didn't mean to hurt you. She says we'll talk about this later, and I stay sternly, "we will". Me standing up for myself isn't working and she is incredibly upset with me now. Watches some show with my sister to take her mind off it.
Finally after some time she goes up to the bathroom upstairs. I knock and ask her if we can talk. She says no she's angry. I say again I'm sorry I threw the marker. She says that I'm physically violent and abusive, and most women would have left me by now.
I go downstairs and ask my mom and sister about what just happened. Was I really that out of line? I mean I know I shouldn't have thrown a marker, but is this reaction normal? They are both really surprised by her actions both before and after the marker, and my sister says she'll talk to her.
I'm talking to my mom when she comes down, and she asks me not to talk to me mom about it. Says we can work it out in counseling and is hopeful we can. I say ok. Later I go in an tell her from my heart, I would never intentionally hurt you. She says she's not so sure. Also I'm like this black cloud raining on her parade with her new job and modeling. I tell her I do support her, but I am honest with her and tell her I just have some valid reservations. We leave it at that and have a good rest of the night. We go home, make up, and make love (her idea). I think things are improving between us.
The next day she goes to her job, then meets a friend I've never seen before at the bars after work. Ends up closing down the bars, comes home at like 3 am. Stays up later to draw.
The next day she's out again, goes out with friends from work to try to get to know them. Same thing. Gets in late. Again stays up late drawing. Aside from worrying about her at night, I'm beginning to get a complex she doesn't like me. Finally I tell her please just let me know when you're coming home and get home so I don't worry. She agrees.
She's also working a LOT at her job at this point in time. She's excited by how much money she is making and spends a ton of time at the job. Burning the candle on both ends. She tells me know guy offered to pay her lots of money for her to watch him masturbate but said she'd have to ask her husband. I tell her I don't know how I feel about that.
After this goes on for 4 days I tell her I miss her. She says I always say that when she's doing art. But literally the only time I've seen her was when I was getting up for work and she was going to bed. She finally says Sunday will be a good day for us. Well Saturday night she comes home wasted. Hungover on Sunday and sleeps in. I help her recover and give her some remedies. We drive out to pick up her car she left at the bar and walk around the city some. We go to the CBD bar she was talking about and wanted to show me. She buys some gifts for her friends there and CBD oil for herself to help her draw art and I guess to sleep as well (as I will later find out by looking at her instagram--she was having mania and difficulty sleeping). We spend a few hours together but really it's dominated by her being on her phone on instagram. Finally we go grocery shopping because we haven't been to the store in weeks. Then she decides she's going to go in to work. I tell her I understand wanting to strike while the iron is hot, and the first week is her being promoted. Besides I knew Monday was going to be a big day for us. I just didn't know at the time in what way.
Monday was a day we had been looking forward to for months. I splurged and bought expensive seats for Bob Dylan. Also, as a surprised, I upgraded them even further to 2nd row. I was excited to tell her about it that night. We had plans to meet at 4 at the house so we'd have plenty of time. I reminded her more than once about the timing and she said she wouldn't miss it and was excited.
She doesn't come home until 3-4 in the morning Sunday night, and again stays up all night doing art work or something. Finally she comes to bed around 6 or 7? I'm pretty tired and worried from what's going on so I'm sleeping in late to try and catch up--I just sleep so much better when she's safe next to me--so I'm getting some good Z's in. I wake up at 9, she's not in bed. She was up talking to someone on instagram and says she's going to be doing a music video with a local rap artist who is going to be flying his private jet to meet with her and tutor her. I'm not sure how to react. She's also been talking differently, using terms I'm not sure where she picked them up from, but lying in bed she was speaking to me in rhymes and couldn't just talk normal. Said I was disrespecting her for not understanding. She went on about how she is a "mom" and needs to lift up women to be "queens" and is on this mission. Then says she needs to help comfort her "mom" (the supervisor at the agency) who just had her boyfriend leave her.
She knows I want to leave around 4 so we have plenty of time to hang out before the concert and have a nice day together. It’s 5 and she’s still not back. She hasn’t even made it to the agency yet because she was getting her nails done first. Finally she gets home a little after 6. In the mean time I was trying to make the best of it and started making a nice steak dinner. I have the music on, candles lit, all the food is ready when she walks in the door and I’m mixing drinks. Perfect setting. She is so happy to see what I’ve done and walks into the kitchen giving me a big and long kiss. Then proceeds to apologize for being late, saying that her nail artist was treating it like a ceremony. I’m still preparing things and admittedly only half listening, and let out a chuckle to let her know I’m laughing it off. Her expression immediately changes. She asks why I’m laughing at her. I say I’m not. She asks why I’m laughing. I say I’m laughing at the stylist for being so particular. This upsets her and she runs into the bathroom, saying “She was beautiful. She was Christ. You laughed at Christ.”
I don’t know what just happened, and am trying to piece it together. I ask her if she’s going to come out as the food is getting cold. Finally she shows up. I ask if she’s ok, and I’m sorry if I said anything to upset her. She goes on about how I keep hurting her. I’m trying to understand, and I glean that they were doing some sort of prayer (I guess this is when that recent mass shooting happened), grieving together. I tell her I thought you meant she was just being really particular. She continues being upset and raising her voice. I calmly ask her not to raise her voice at me. She tells me she will “not be silenced” and starts screaming at me. Honestly I don’t remember the next things she’s screaming, louder than she ever has before, all I remember is apologizing and saying I don’t understand, but am trying to. She tells me she can’t go to the concert with me. I ask her to reconsider. She still says no, I should just go with someone else or give her the tickets. I finally let her take them, since it was her birthday gift.
I’m an emotional wreck at this point, shaking because I don’t know what happened. I promised her I wouldn’t bring our family into our problems, but this was a huge betrayal on her part, an “expensive lesson” as she puts it. More than that, I’m incredibly upset that she would do that to me, over a simple miscommunication. So I call her mom and we talk a little about it. After her calming me down, I try texting my wife again, asking her if we can talk and saying how big a night this was supposed to be. She tells me no and to respect her boundaries. I tell her I do respect her. Was looking forward to this night for months and I don’t even know why she’s doing this and she’s not giving me a chance. Then tell her how much I love her and care about her no matter what and I would never hurt her intentionally and wish I knew what she wanted from me.
She was planning to spend the night on the couch at the modeling place, but I tell her no, please be safe and sleep at the apartment. I’ll leave for the night. I finally just ask her to let me know when she is safe at home.
The next events I find out from instagram. Apparently she is at the concert with one of her friends I don’t know. She was warned by security for something and ended up leaving the concert. She thinks the security guard was out of line.
The next morning I wake up to her texting me that she’s at the airport heading to Oakland Ca for a photo shoot.
I’m shocked, ask her who and where. I only get the name of the company. I look them up and they’re not based out of Oakland. She says she is legit, I’m not respecting her boundaries, and I need to let her FLY (as in become this superstar model she wants to be). I tell her it’s not respectful to go places and not tell anyone any details so they worry about her. It’s not just me either, she’s not really telling anyone much of anything her mom included. My sister who she’s really close with. Everyone.
I found out, again via instagram, she only got 1 hour of sleep that night. Apparently she met someone at the concert who was a photographer and they wanted her to come out to Oakland. She has a video of her looking spaced out, driving to the airport on her instagram. Saying how she is going to “shine like a diamond” etc..
I’m freaking out and talk about it with my family and hers. Everyone is worried about her. Before this I had suspected that the new medication might be to blame for her staying up all night and causing this behavior, and I look further into that theory. I call her doctors and let them know what’s going on. They agree it’s incredibly odd behavior and doesn’t match her narcolepsy diagnosis at all. If anything, it might have been some underlying undiagnosed condition, and the medication just exacerbated it or brought it to the fore front.
My sister makes the mistake of texting the girl she was at the concert with, asking if my wife might have been on anything. The girl then told my wife about it, who feels betrayed by my sister. Calls her a Judas. Then immediately texts me, telling me it’s over, she doesn’t like the manipulator I’ve become, to pack my things and leave the apartment and get divorce papers.
I also reached out to her counselor friend and ask to talk. Figuring she's a counselor and familiar with these diseases, she might be able to offer more insight. I tell her what's going on and she says she doesn't think my wife has been acting weird. Says something about standing my ground and not pushing my wife one way or another. Also I should probably take half the money out of the bank account. This is something the doctor's and her parents suggested as well. I thank her and ask her to keep the conversation confident.
I get the login information to her bank account and start monitoring it. I also check her gmail the next day just to keep tabs on her and see where she might be staying. I'm genuinely worried.
Well somehow she finds out I was monitoring the bank account and her gmail. Calls her mom furious at me. Her mom says "it's scary". Our counselor friend told me I have a right to the apartment, but I'm honestly scared to go back there. In the mean time I've also been reaching out to the marriage counselor for advice. My head is spinning and I look online for help, and find out about a bipolar support group. I go there and tell my self, and they all seem to agree it's bipolar. One girl says the drinking just makes it worse. The next day our counselor friend says she her from my wife and she seems fine. I tell her that I went to a bipolar group and they all seem to think it's bipolar, and that I called the crisis network for advice and they said they could send a mobile team out, but I didn't know what to do and don't want to do the wrong thing. I tell her I'm going to meet with another counselor friend (they both went to school together with my wife), and ask if she can join. She doesn't get back to me til later.
The next day I decide it's best I give my wife space and honor her boundaries. I write her a nice letter and draw her a picture (how she shows affection for others), leave her a voicemail saying I'm giving her space and respecting her boundaries and going to spend some time at my mom's. She actually responds positively telling me what's going on and that she'll be at a modeling show on Friday for her birthday and hopes to see me saturday for her birthday party. Meanwhile on instragram she's saying how she's moving to california. Tells her mom as much.
I'm spending the day with the other counselor friend just telling him what's going on, but feeling hopeful that maybe I can at least get her to talk to me in person on saturday. Well in the mean time the first counselor friend I reached out to and asked to keep our conversations confident, went ahead and talked to my wife for about an hour. Next thing I know my wife is posting on instagram about how I'm verbally, physically, and mentally abusive. How I turned her family against her and convinced them she has bipolar, is on drugs, and is going to have her committed at her 30th birthday party.
Completely undermining even the little bit of progress I made with my wife. I text our counselor friend asking what she said and call her out. It wasn't even true, she lied to my wife. Then she told my wife I saw the post and mentioned the crisis center (I'm not supposed to be seeing any of these posts because I've been blocked, yet her profile is public). Worst counselor ever. Feel completely betrayed, and the other counselor friend I'm with is shocked by what she did.
Find out she's going to be coming home friday and spending the night at her mom's after the fashion show. I make myself scared at the apartment, rewrite the letter to just state facts and to show her I love her and am committed to her and to remember us for who we were. That I'm willing to be by her side through her dreams and won't hold her back. That I set up an appointment with a counselor and hope she can join for an upcoming session when she's ready. Most of all I tell her how much I love her, and how I've proven my love time and again over our marriage with examples and I'll prove it again.
The next day, when she got into the airport, she blamed me for moving her car and making her search for it in the cold. I know this because she called me a monster on Instagram and made a video about it. Her mom tries to tell her that doesn't make sense. She never stops by the apartment for the letter :(
Later that day she can't get into her bank account because her PIN has been changed. She blames me for changing it, even though I don't have access myself to the account. I think she may have changed it when she found out I was monitoring it and forgot. Whatever the case, I got the blame, and she makes another instagram post about how she was going to pay me for her ring but isn't now because I tried to steal from her. How I'm the worst kind of person imaginable, a monster, and if I have any shred of humanity left I'll get divorce papers and mail them to her. She decides she's going back to California that night (she has no friends or family out there, other than strangers she may have just met).
I saw this morning she was at the airport with 3 guys, on her way back to california. I still haven't reached out to her since my voicemail. I tried analyzing what's been going on. On the one hand I do believe it really might be bipolar, on the other hand it could just be paranoia and other things caused by lack of sleep. There is also some truth in there that we were having some issues, mostly miscommunications, because so many big changes were being made by her and we never had time to sit down and discuss it--but nothing that couldn't have been fixed.
At this point, the wife I knew seems to be gone. I don't know if she'll ever return or what that will entail. Her mom said she went through a similar episode when younger, before she met me, but that they chalked it up to adolescence. My wife told me, and her mom, on separate occasions, this is who she really is, and she was just suppressing it the last 7+ years. It's odd because she seemed really happy with me, so I don't know if I fully believe that. Whatever the case, this new person in my wife's body is not who I married. I'm feeling grief over her loss.
I honestly don't know where to go from here. All her stuff is back here. She left her friends, family, everything behind.
I've thought about downloading some of the videos she posted as evidence, in case this does come to trial. I'm not sure what I'm trying to prove, whether she's mentally ill or what. But at the very least if her accusations of abuse come against me, I might be able to defend myself by showing she was no operating on much sleep and was having paranoia.
Optimistically, maybe it is something that can pass and she may be rational again. She eventually returned to speaking with her mother before in the past. Of course her mom is family. So I don't know if I should hold hope that she'll do the same for me--even though I loved her more than anyone. Still do.
TDLR
Wife and I have 7 loving years under our belt where we were each others best friend. Wife went rogue this past month. We had a few squabbles because of her obsession with her dreams and neglecting our relationship. Her personality changed fast when she started a new job on Halloween as a web-cam "model" (although she claims there's no nudity). Believes she's making thousands of dollars every day at this job (honestly I have no way of knowing). This culminated in a crazy episode on Monday which she hasn't snapped out of. She has been having delusions of paranoia and thinks I'm an abusive husband, verbally, physically, and mentally. Thinks she's a feminist role model for women and is going to raise up girls into queens. Her speech is different, her entire personality is alien. Very high energy and fast speech, especially for someone who is diagnosed with narcolepsy and has barely been getting 6 hours of sleep a night (sometimes less). Believe Nuvigil and Provigil might have been a contributing factor, along with life crisis of turning 30 and unrealized dreams. Had a mutual counselor friend betray trust and tell her that we think she's bipolar and on drugs, and we were planning to have her committed on her 30th birthday (untrue, we only asked if we should consider the option and never said anything about drugs, other than the medicine she is currently taking) or she pieced it together based on things the friend said. She impulsively flew to California, cut off ties to friends and family, and nobody has heard from her since she left this morning. She left everything behind. I haven't tried to reach out to her since Wednesday (which was a positive interaction), because the counselor "friend" ruined any little trust I had left with her. Found out she took down the video blasting me on instagram as well as the other video about her being removed from the concert, but the other stuff is still there.
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self.bipolar
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I'm sort of in love with my best friend, but he's in a committed relationship [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I keep losing friends. I get that I pushed away a few people, but I’ve begun to realise recently just how many friends I’ve lost in this past year, and it’s incredibly upsetting.
I’ve always been one (not to sound condescending or anything) to be liked by those around me, and so the fact that so many people just stopped talking to me etc is really starting to bug me.
Even my 3 best friends from back home fucking abandoned me. I get that I kind of pushed them away as I was going through a lot, but do I really deserve this..?! It was my birthday a few days ago, and it’s gone from being sent really special, heartwarming gifts from them to just a ‘happy birthday, hope you celebrated well’ text. And I keep thinking to myself, I brought this all on myself. The guilt is a bit too much sometimes.
I want to apologise to them properly, but I have a feeling it’s all a bit too late now, they don’t care, none of them give a shit anymore. I went through shit this past year and to have this top it off...
Less and less people are starting to care about me, no matter how much of myself I give to them. Will it ever be enough..?!?! I’ve never felt so alone in my life. And it’s all my fault
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self.offmychest
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are any of my hobbies and interests real? Does anyone else ever feel like they don't know who they are or what they like because they can't tell the difference between a real interest and something they just picked up and obsessed about while hypomanic?
During a conversation in February my boyfriend pointed out that I'm always trying new things to "make myself happy." I guess that's true but I like to think switching my interests all the time is better than drowning in my saddness.
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self.bipolar
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Games to ease things? So in light of the steam sale, I'm looking for a game to play to help ease my nerves and help me get away from reality for awhile. Any suggestions?
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't really know if this is my sorta thing I'm 15, from the UK and I suppose depressed is the right word. I've had suicidal thoughts since I turned 14 and I'm beginning to seriously think about acting on them. The main thing stopping me right now is the thought of my mum or dad walking in and seeing my body. See here's the thing, I spoke to my family about feeling depressed and he gave me the typical "life gets better once you're out of school" Well that's a load of bullshit since I'm struggling with my GCSEs and I'll be lucky to get C's. Considering I want to go into politics that's shit. So I'll end up working in a dead end job, slaving away to make some rich asshole from America richer. It's bullshit and I refuse to take part of it. But anyway, right now the plan is on Friday, I'll tell my parents I'm going over a mates house, grab some alcohol and some rope and head to the forest and tie the rope, get drunk and call the police so at least a professional can deal with me rather than some poor old lady going for her morning walk. But I don't know why I feel this way. I'm popular in school, I'm good at sports, I'm not a social outcast but yet I feel alone and worthless. I don't even really know why I'm typing this up and I'm considering pressing cancel but I suppose I've come this far and as of now I'm just typing as I think. See, when I was little I shared a room with my brother. He's a nice enough guy, qualified engineer and all that. But he was speaking to his now fiance while I was pretending to be asleep. They were talking about me and my brother said "he's an annoying cunt" and his gf said "disgusting child." Yeah... I went to my dad about feeling down and he told me to man up and that there's always someone who has it worse. My friend also recently said the words "You're not funny. You're actually quite unfunny. Nobody likes you, here's the thing *Name* nobody likes you. People just tolerate you. Nobody would miss you if you disappeared." And this is my friend of 7 years! He doesn't know about how I feel, that's been kept to myself. But if even he's picking up on it, it must have some form of truth. But anyway, I don't know why I feel like this and I don't want to, but I also recognise that life is shit and I don't want to take part in it. I don't really know why im typing this. Presumably cause I'm feeling like shit and it's 2:30 in the morning but either way.
There we go
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self.SuicideWatch
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I love you all. Never give up hope! I'm a lurker on most of Reddit. Since I feel obligated to make a post on my cake day, this is what I usually do. Take care everyone!
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone have any advice on finding a new life [deleted]
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self.depression
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Not getting better I'm probably the closest to suicide that I've ever been right now.
Nothing is helping. When I sleep or get out outside that helps for a little, but after that the numbness, crying, and panic cycles. I've talked to crisis chats a couple of times, but they always feel like robots. I went to my first counseling appointment, but I'm afraid to talk to them about anything, especially suicide, because they might be legally obligated to tell my parents.
I also have mixed feelings. I go from feeling like nobody really cares more than to keep you alive at a given moment (unless you have money) to it being my fault for not opening up or fixing myself.
i'll probably never try suicide as it seems to messy and painful I guess, but I feel like i'll just get worse and worse
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self.SuicideWatch
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Seasonal Job I walked out of a salaried position as a GM because I couldn’t take the long hours, physical and mental stress, and the complete lack of a personal life. I started working seasonal package delivery. It’s literally the job I feel like I was meant to do. It’s fast paced, it’s by yourself, you deal with people but mostly just you and your thoughts.
From the first day of training I was told that this is the year to get in because there will be a lot of openings for full time. Do a great job and you could be one of them. I do a great job, I get talked up by other drivers to the bosses and supervisors. I’m told that there’s a good shot that I might get a chance to be full time.
My wife tells me to keep looking for another job because I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. I tell her what everyone is telling me about how I’m going to get a chance to be full time. She says I need to keep looking. I don’t.
Come back after Christmas on Tuesday. I’m told that my route isn’t needed and that I won’t be working til Thursday. Makes sense, nothing moved Sunday or Monday because of Christmas so sure I could see why I wasn’t needed until Thursday. We go to visit my parents and family since we have a few days. They all tell me how happy I look and that they haven’t seen me like this in years.
I come in Thursday and am told that I won’t be needed for the rest of the week, and that I’m “on call” for the next 3 weeks. I ask if I should look for another job and they say yes. I’m still in line to potentially be picked up full time but that could technically be months.
I’m picking up my paycheck tomorrow and hope to talk to a supervisor about what the next step is and how long it might officially be. I don’t know what kind of response I’m going to get. I have some leads for jobs on the short term, but I don’t want to give up on this since I actually enjoyed it and was good at it.
I’m just pissed that I didn’t listen to my wife, didn’t see it coming, and honestly wasn’t told that my last 3 weeks could net me $0. So now as a sole provider I need to figure out how the bridge the potential gap while still having faith that there is an end game with me getting a full time job there.
I feel like a disappointment to my wife, my son, and myself.
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self.offmychest
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(Vent) I'm new to this I apologize in advance, I am new to my bipolar diagnosis and not entirely sure of all the correct terminology! This is for me to vent and I apologize for how drawn out this is.
I am 26 years old and was diagnosed Bipolar this last Tuesday. My whole life has had cycles of highs and lows but I always assumed that when I was on the high swing that I was in control of my life and destiny and when I went low that I was putting myself in that state and it was my fault. Talking to the therapist and describing in detail my situation really made me see how bad it all was. When I was diagnosed I was currently in a low state and had been for 2 weeks (a lot of crying, no energy, etc.). The day after my diagnosis I went into a high state getting ready for work, I could feel the pain and weight of the low wash away and turn into frantic energy. All day at work I was energized and wired despite not getting a lot of sleeping (a teething infant keeps my wife and I awake most the night). I was doing well at the start of work until an hour in when I got to the point that I couldn't read or listen to anyone, couldn't focus enough on anything enough to comprehend it. This lasted for about an hour and faded away thankfully. The rest of work went pretty well, I couldn't sit still during the day but I used the energy to get a lot done and catch up. I went home and had dinner with my family, the whole time I felt wired and kept randomly singing things people said, pacing, felt energy in my forearms and chest but overall felt really good. That night my wife, infant son, and I went on a walk but during it every car that passed made me very anxious and paranoid, I kept finding myself checking over my shoulder and watching vehicle traffic pass us. On the end of our walk the paranoia was strong and I heard multiple people whispering for 2 seconds coming from an abandoned house on my block. We get home and I take my son into our room to change him and get him ready for bed as my wife went to take a shower. As I was going to get my son ready I saw a safety pin and had the strongest urge to take it and run the point across my hand, going as far as to pick it up and put it up to my hand before putting it down. Then everything came crashing down and my wife came in and I began weeping uncontrollably for 10 minutes. My wife helped me and I told her all the things I had been experiencing. After that I felt blank and empty.
I have felt my mental health deteriorating for a while but these last two weeks have been a quick decline and now with my diagnosis I feel it unraveling quicker. My diagnosis came from a therapist but I probably won't have a psychiatrist appointment for 1-2 months (very populated and busy area). My wife and I have set up a system where if I ever finding myself slipping or in danger that I am to call her and if need be take me to the local ER. I just hope I can make it until I can see a psychiatrist.
TL;DR: Newly diagnosed bipolar, my symptoms are becoming way worse and I won't be able to see a psychiatrist for a while
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self.bipolar
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I can't do this anymore This all started because i bought a new router. After setting it up my dad wanted the old router to also have wifi enabled and i told him theres no point as this new router covers the entire house. Then he got mad and told me to make the ssid for the old router "AbortionIsMurder" i Guess he wants to make a political statement but i don't feel the need to broadcast that from the house i live in. Well he disconnected the internet and told me it won't go on until i comply. So i went to sleep. Then he began waking me up every 15 mins until i did it. Well i finality gave I to his terrorism and made that the ssid but only for 5ghz since the signal doesn't goop through walls as well and less people would notice ot. Turns out he has devices that only support 2.4ghz and found out and told me to enable it or he'd break my stuff. Well after constant threats of vandalism and i had to go to work i enabled that on the 2.4ghz one and left for work. He never bothered checking to see it was working and just put my $3000 computer at the curb and texted me that my computer was waiting outside. Well i raced back home And lucky enough it was still on the curb. I brought it back I the house and yelled at him asking what his mental problem was. He Told me to enable the 2.4ghz with ssid "AbortionIsMurder" I said i already did it 2 hours ago and then he went and checked and sure enough it works so i demanded an apology. He Told me i didn't deserve one and just for asking that he knocked my computer desk over. That desk has over $6000 of equipment on it and i don't km know what's broken because i just left. I honestly don't even care any more. That's the sad part. A man doesn't cry but here i am contemplating driving into a wall at 100mph. Can't do this anymore. Sorry if its hard to read as i haven't proof read it. Funniest part is that he thinks he is the one who deserves an apology for not telling him that i enabled the 2.4ghz band. Tell me I'm not the crazy one.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Haven't experienced a depressive period in a while but I feel like I'm sinking back in I just left a happy but low paid job which I excelled at for one with better money and better prospects. But I absolutely hate it. I hate the thought of being there. I hate the thought of not being able to do the job. I hate how much more of my time it takes up despite only being contracted for two more hours than I was at my previous job.
I understand that there comes nerves with a new start but I'm starting to wonder if it's all worth the effort if I was so much happier in my previous job, not just doing the work but it didn't invade my life with thoughts when I wasn't there. I have suffered from depression before, though not connected to work, and I can feel that the longer I am at my new job the less I'm enjoying my life. I've been absolutely miserable and unwanting to do anything in the past week. I don't know what to do. Any kind words would be greatly appreciated.
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self.depression
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i don’t know as much as i want to die, i’m too much of a coward to do it. i just feel nothing. in my 20s - i have no goals or aspirations, and i’m finding that i don’t even know what the meaning or purpose of life is. what’s the point of being if i’m nothing. sleeping is the only thing i enjoy anymore i loathe being conscious and i hate being visible and i hate people looking at me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Motor mouth and hypergraphia Today I posted about hypergraphia and pressured speech on my blog. Both of these can obviously be manic and hypomanic symptoms, but do consider yourself a "Chatty Cathy"/gabby or voluminous writer a lot of the time?
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self.bipolar
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I just want to vent for a little bit... [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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why the fuck am i this lonely Ive never had a hard time making friends. I was quite popular in high-school. But im fucking lonely now. I cant call anyone for pre-drinks , and no-one calls me to go out drinking.
I just stay home and try to stay busy, working out, reading, studying etc. I stay healthy. But its creeping up on me. Why the fuck am i lonely. I would trade my little finger just to have a solid social circle im not kidding. I dont need my pinky finger.
Im in university and try to make friends and i succeeded. But if i try to ask them out for drinks, shit get weird. I get called "clingy" , first world problems. You know i actually wish i wold have a clingy friend at least they care about you. For fucks sake fuck this shit fuck my life fuck everything. I wanna die
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self.offmychest
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Making a pro/con list... And I’m stumped. I have no idea what to put as a “con” to ending myself. The “pro” side seems to be a solid winner.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thanks Insomnia & Manic Energy For letting me waste 2 hours scrolling Reddit for no reason. Thanks for the nap too, since I didn't sleep the night before. Thank you for also letting me never realize time wasted or time perception. Kinda nice. Having fun means time isn't wasted right? Or something cheesy.
Note: Some of these are said with sarcasm and some with optimism. You pick which ones are which and you get back to me.
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self.bipolar
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. Do you ever feel so lost, that you just feel like a worthless sack of shit, and waist of human life.
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self.depression
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My boyfriend left me out of the blue, and I don't have anything to live for. Please help me. My boyfriend of nearly 6 years got a job opportunity halfway across the world. Instead of talking to me about it, he emailed me from the airplane and told me he would be gone indefinitely. I don't want to live. I don't know what to do. I need to talk to someone. I'm driving all of my friends away with my depression. Can someone please talk to me so I don't lose my friendships too?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Taking SSRIs and migraine meds? Hey y'all, so I occasionally take Sandoz Zolmitriptan for migraines, and just a month ago I started taking Lexapro for anxiety. When I got them, I also got a new prescription for the triptans and another med I'm taking at the same time since I had run out of both. Neither the clinic doctor, the pharmacist, nor my regular doctor (who I saw days later) said anything about potential interactions, however I just read on the Internet that taking both together can cause serotonin syndrome. I know I can take preventative migraine medications, but apparently you can't drink when you're on them and I drink every couple weeks on average. Has anybody else had issues or successfully taken these together? I don't get migraines that often, only a few times a month, but I had two this weekend so I took two migraine pills so now I'm worrying... Doesn't help that I've been panicking and having chest pains all day due to not getting enough sleep last night.
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self.Anxiety
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How can you help someone who feels really bad about themselves? I found my sisters journal after she got arrested for using heroin and it was just really heartbreaking. It's just really sad and catches me off guard. The entire thing is filled with how disgusting she is and how much she hates herself. She is absolutely beautiful and gorgeous. I never thought she would have a self-esteem problem.
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self.depression
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I'm always angry on my mother for no reason why? 😭 [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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to my crazy dudes out there Sending nudes, dick pics etc. or asking for some wont get you laid guys. I know it's hard to acknowledge the truth. I know that your balls are so blue and heavy, but this is the reality.
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self.offmychest
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I would mean more to the world dead than alive.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feel like I’m stuck in a loophole I am trying to become a successful musician. I work my fucking ass off but it never seems to pay off. My roommate is in the same program I am, he watches Netflix all the time when I’m practicing but somehow he sounds way better. I just feel like I’m not talented enough to ever win a job, but I’m also too scared to quit.
I feel like I have to keep going because I promised teachers back in high school I would, and I don’t want to disappoint them. I also think I would feel like I have no purpose and would disappoint myself. I have nothing else that I really want to do that would replace it.
So I’m stuck in a self doubt loophole of not feeling like I’m ever going to be good enough and also not wanting to quit.
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self.depression
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esaelp ,edoced eht tsop t'noD [NAW] .gniog em gnipeek gniht ylno eht era uoY .....enola dna ytpme leef llits I ,syad emos ,uoy htiw nevE .enola dna yrgna dna das os m'I .uoy fo tnorfni ksam a no tup ot drah os s'ti tub noisserped dna niap ym morf uoy tcetorp ot tnaw I .taht morf uoy tcetorp ot tnaw I .ybab ,elpoep tnereffid fo tol a yb truh neeb ev'I .gnorw gnieb otni netaeb neeb sah niarb ym fi wonk t'nod I .gnorw deriw tsuj si niarb ym fi wonk t'nod I .uoy erofeb sseltniop saw efil ym ekil tlef I .uoy si gniog em gnipeek gniht ylno ehT .emit eht fo tsom eid ot tnaw I .flesym etah I ,tcaf nI .flesym evol t'nod I tuB .yltnereffid gnihtyna kniht reve ot uoy tnaw t'nod I ,uoy evol I .ardnaeL ,uoy si gniog em speek taht gniht ylno ehT .taht fo yna teg t'nod I ....tuB .yllacisyhp pleH .yllatnem pleH .yllanoitome pleH .yllaicnanif pleH .pleh si won thgir tnaw I llA .tenretni eht esu ot hguone dlo er'uoy nehw uoy rof gniht a eb neve t'now ylbaborp tiddeR ,era semanresu ym tahw wonk tnow uoy hguone dlo era uoy nehw dna dlihc a er'uoy ,dluow uoy yhw ees t'nod I .egassem siht dnif reven uoy epoh I .siht fo yna dnatsrednu ot gnuoy oot er'uoy ,ardnaeL .flesym tuoba klat em raeh ot stnaw eno on dna serac eno on taht wonk I erus nmad gnikam elpoep si taht fo trap gib a dna desuba os dna detcelgen os neeb ev'I .em rof erac dna noitnetta yap ot elpoep tnaw I dna em tuoba eb ot sgniht tnaw I .flesym tuoba klat syawla I tub "em ekil gnihton si dna tsissicran a si mom ym tub" yas ot tnaw I ?mom ym etah I ekil em etah ot nrael uoy dna sekatsim erom ekam I ,erutuf eht ni ,fi tahW ?pu kcuf I fi tahw tub ,pu taht kcuf ot tol a did ehS .eromyna mom ym evol t'nod I ?ot evah uoy dna mom ruoy m'I esuaceb tsuj si taht fo hcum woh tuB ......uoy rof tpecxe em tuoba tihs a sevig eno oN ?tnedicca no gnieb ti tuohtiw leef I woh otni kool ot hguone em tuoba serac ohw tub ,ti gnidnif enoemos tuoba deirrow si em fo traP .erom ti esu ot tnaw I .trofmoc hcum os em sgnirb ylno taht dna ,ffuts tegdub dna ffuts ypareht dna gnillanruoj rof rednib a edam I .no gniog s'tahw no sucof tsuj ot drah yllaer s'tI .syawyna syad tsom t'nod I taht ton ,niaga amuart eht eviler ot teg I ."yaw eht yb DSTP-C evah I ,haey ho" yas dna ni klaw tsuj I fi eveileb lliw eno oN .niaga ti nialpxE .deneppah tahw tuoba enoemos ot pu nepo-er dna kcab pets ot evah I dna evom ot evah ew won dna snoisses eno no eno eht edam ylerab I .snoisses puorg ot og t'ndluoc I taht sboj owt gnikrow no desucof os neeb ev'I .DSTP xif ot noitacidem on s'erehT .ot detcepxe eb dluohs ti taht ton ,meht htiw depleh t'nsah noitacidem ehT .thgin yreve em erutrot smaerd yM .meht tfel reve I fi em gnillik fo esimorp rieht htiw hguorht gniog rO .smra ym fo tuo uoy ecrof ot gniyrt dna uoy ta gnibbarg enoyrevE .em morf uoy ekat ot gniyrt meht fo lla ,oot engapmahC dna aruaL fo ,rehtaf ruoy fo segami eht htiw detniat neeb sah ni er'uoy maerd yreve tub ,ot detrats I tniop eno ta ,uoy fo maerd t'nod I .lleh s'tI .ekil si DSTP tahw wonk reven uoy epoh I .sgnileef gnikcuf nwo ruoy no gnikohc dna gninword er'uoy taht gnileef tahT .ekil sleef noisserped tahw tuo dnif reven uoy epoh I .sesaercni noisserped ym dna flesym truh ot egru ym dna peelsa er'uoy nehw thgin ta ebuTuoY htiw flesym tcartsid nac I tsaeltA .retteb elttil a efil sekam taht sgniht rehto eht fo eno ylbaborP ?thgir ,tenretni eht rof dog knaht ,syawynA .esaelp ,edoced eht tsop t'noD .ytisuoiruc fo tuo ti gniod era yeht sselnu ti edoced ot serac ohw ,ti gniees enoyna tuohtiw gnileef m'I woh no tnev nac I .)?huh ,erohw noitnetta na ma I sseug I .pu siht tup dna edoc ot drah ot gniyrt m'I yhw erus t'nsi em fo trap dna deteled siht tnaw t'nseod em fo trap ,eno tluciffid yrev a ton hguoht( edoc ni si siht yhw s'tahT .yas rep "desimorpmoc" neeb sah ,otni kool ot erac dluow eno on thguoht I taht ,tnuocca siht no nevE .srehto rof tnorf a fo hcum oot pu tup I .depleh t'nsah ypareht neve nehw drah os s'tI .uoy rof gnorts eb ot evah I .siht fo lla uoy llet reven dluoc I tub ...sniev ym otni gniggid dna efink a gnikaT .rac gnissap txen eht otni gnivirD .flesym gnillik fo ,flesym gnitruh fO .sthguoht esoht evah I dnuora ton er'uoy emit yna tub ,taht eveileb t'nod elpoeP .flesym dellik ev'dluow I uoy tuohtiw dna gniog em gnipeek gniht ylno eht era uoY .uoy ssim I smaerd ym ni neve tub ,pu ekaw reven dna reverof peels dluoc I hsiw I .llew peels uoy epoh I ...peelsa llaf uoy pleh ot eivom a gnihctaw ,sdneirf ruoy htiw nuf gnivaH .rettisybab a htiw er'uoy ecnis flesym tuc I ,flesym gnitruh tuohtiw gnol os enog ev'I retfa ,won neve dna niaga revo dna revo pu kcuf si enod ev'I llA .od dluoc I esle tahw wonk tnod I tub taht ot uoy tcejbus t'nac I .redlo er'uoy nehw kool ot ydob ruoy stnaw eh woh no stnemmoc edam eh ybab a sah neve ,uoy esuba dluow eH .dluow I naht uoy rof esrow hcum os eb dluow rehtaf ruoy taht wonk I tub ,ffo retteb eb dluow uoy taht dna efil ym dne dluohs I ekil leef I .semit ynam oot deliaf evah I .flesym truh dna flesym llik si od ot tnaw I lla nehw uoy rof tseb s'tahw od ot drah os s'ti tub ,evah syawla uoy dna em ot tsom rettam uoY .pihsnoitaler nmad a no desucof os gnieb rof yrros m'I .dluow eh gnipoh saw I sa hcum sa uoy rof erac t'ndid ohw ,xelA detad evah t'ndluohs I .uoy fo tnorfni em taeb mih ees ot uoy rof hguone gnol dad ruoy htiw deyats evah t'ndluohs I .tsaf os pu dda tub llams os mees taht sekatsim ynam os edam ev'I .revo su wercs si enod ev'I llA ?erac fo eerf efil doog a edivorP ?uoy ot doog eB .tnerap a sa hsilpmocca ot gnitcepxe saw I tahw wonk t'nod I .ardnaeL ,uoy deliaf ev'I
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self.offmychest
|
There's no point I could be like most other people on here and complain about every little thing in my life that I don't like or that isn't fair. But the fact of the matter is, even if every problem or complaint I had was solved, I still wouldn't want to be here. And who am I to complain anyway. My life is great compared even to just some of my closest friends let alone every other depressed person on the planet. I'm just being ungrateful. Lazy. Selfish. Honestly I'd end it if it wasn't for all of the guilt. I don't deserve the life I was given. And I don't want it. Talking doesn't help. I don't even want to try meds. Everyday I seem to become more self destructive. I don't wear seatbelts anymore. I don't always look both ways when crossing the street. I stopped venting to my closest friend and I'm pushing them all away. I keep thinking about going to a bar. Maybe having a few drinks will help me go through with it.. There's no reason for me to post this tbh. I guess I'm still hoping for someone to change my mind like most people who post here. But I don't think that's going to happen. So I'm sorry in advance to anyone who wastes their time reading or responding to this. I'll go back to silently suffering now.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Bipolar & Borderline Personality Disorder?? My initial diagnosis was GAD. Later, MDD and GAD. Now, BP1. After reading somethings the last couple of days I have begun to wonder if there is a possibility that I also have a mixture of BP and BPD.
Does anyone else here have that diagnosis?
Do you see any difference between the two?
If so, what is your treatment plan?
Thanks,
Violett
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self.bipolar
|
Coping after inpatient I was only in for about 3 days. I left no longer in a bad place. Much calmer, smiling more. But now I'm having trouble coping with being out. I've had a laid back couple of days but it's still a lot compared to the slow pace of watching tv between group sessions.
I feel like a burden despite the fact that my support system has been amazing. I feel like I don't belong among neurotypical people, like I'm too different. I feel like I'm not worth the effort people put into me because I'm already getting low again and it's just going to keep happening. I can't control it.
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self.bipolar
|
welp, pretty sure i'm manic it's been a depressive ass year - but what is that? is that the mania rearing its head, ready to remind me of all my divine space alien vision quests and inner ability to fuckin smash?
i spent 450 dollars on makeup and have slept 4 hours in the past 48. but not to worry! i'm using this extra energy to do the fuck out of all the mountains of homework i have. midterm? done. problem set? done. need to study spanish? done.
paid rent in advance for next month in case i run outta money. gonna take out a loan cause i already fucked up. but hey, at least i might pull out an A in my seminar where the entire grade is one midterm and one final after all
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self.bipolar
|
Told my therapist everything. Told him about my suicidal feelings. Probably said a bit too much because I had to beg him not to call the police.
I'm going to get a team and everything.
I'm so scared.
Be strong, you wonderful people.
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self.depression
|
My boyfriend and I finally broke up and I'm going to be all alone for Thanksgiving and I miss him so much. Last winter I started seeing a really great guy. We dated unofficially for quite awhile, and a few months ago put an actual label on it. It was great, he's so kind and caring and just a fantastic boyfriend and we both love each other.
We have incompatible long term goals though, and after recognizing that the relationship was probably doomed we started growing distant. We had a conversation considering breaking up a couple weeks ago, but decided not to quit yet because we both really care about each other and want to be in each other's lives.
Well, tonight we had another similar conversation, and he said he couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't pretend like everything was alright and try to make it work when it wasn't working and probably wasn't going to. I didn't want to break up but I agreed that we needed to.
Now I'm all alone and I don't know what to do. I live 1000 miles away from my family and was planning on having thanksgiving with him and his family, which has obviously been cancelled. Nearly all of my friends are out of town for the holiday. I don't know what I'm gonna do other than take a bunch of Benadryl and sleep for as long as possible. I miss him so much. I don't know how to cope with breaking up with someone even though we love each other, or with being alone on a holiday like this.
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self.offmychest
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Threw my phone out of anger and shattered it. Welp. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Sexist incident from years ago that still infuriates me Apologies for the length. This seems like a minor incident, but I get mad every time I think of it, for reasons I'll discuss below.
I was taking a vacation with my mom and aunt. Stopped at a gas station. One bathroom was closed for repairs, so they had taped a sign over the other door telling everyone to use that bathroom in the meantime. The door opened to a small multi bathroom with 2-3 stalls and a shared sink/mirror.
My relatives went in first while I shopped around; then I went in to claim a free stall after they came out. Finished up and walked out the door, where I found my relatives along with a man who looked like he was in his 50s or 60s. For a split second I thought the guy looked kind of pissed. Then I brushed it off. He's probably just a trucker who's been kept conscious on 5-hour-energys for too long, I thought.
"Ok, now you can go in," says my mom with a little smile which he doesn't return. The man wordlessly pushes the door open and marches into the bathroom. Uneasiness begins to rise in my stomach again. "Wait, Mom, what did you tell him?"
"Well, I told him my daughter was in the bathroom and he needed to wait until you came out." she said, as if explaining to me why the sun rises in the morning.
"Wait, what?! Please don't tell people things like that on my behalf. I really don't mind at all. You can't do that."
"Well, honey, I'm just not comfortable with a man going into the bathroom with my girl. I know you have your own way of seeing the world, and you think people are generally good, but the truth is, there's a reason why things are done the way they are. You'll understand when you're a mother."
"No, I mean, you literally can't do that. It's a public restroom. It doesnt belong to us." *Also, at this point I should mention that I was in my mid-twenties.* "If using a shared bathroom is a problem," I continued, "we can drive across the street and use a different one. Again, please don't tell people they aren't allowed to go in with me."
"I'd do it again in a heartbeat, honey. It's for your own protection. I know you can't understand it right now, but someday you will."
My mom was in agree-to-disagree mode by that point, so we finished buying snacks and headed back to the car. I struggled to find the words to explain why my full-grown self, separated by a stall on all sides from this poor random dude, in a busy bathroom where people were coming and going constantly, was hardly putting her "girl" at risk of being attacked.
My aunt agreed with my mom that I was hopelessly naive. Since I was now of the minority opinion, I questioned whether I really was wrong. But, believe it or not, I do care about my own safety. I wouldn't have gotten in the guy's car as a hitchhiker; I wouldn't invite him into my house the first day I met him; I wouldn't even go into a public bathroom in, say, an abandoned park with him in there. But I feel it's ridiculous to treat a random shopper in a busy gas station in the middle of the day like a rapist. Even if he was that kind of person, he'd have to be literally insane to try something with so many people around. By the same logic, I'm not afraid of being attacked while alone in the potato chip aisle with someone. I tried to explain all this as they exchanged sighs and knowing glances with each other.
"Well, honey, if you want to know what I think about that," says my aunt (*Not particularly, no, I'm good thanks*), "I think you were very lucky when you were growing up, to have a father with a lot of self control. Unfortunately there are many bad things in the world that you don't know about. I know you think everyone should be treated the same, and I love your sweet personality that makes you see things that way. The harsh truth is it doesn't work like that." (*I will break here again to point out that as far as I know, my grandpa - both of their dad - wasn't a child molester or anything. My mom has been pretty open about the family scandals, and the worst anyone's said about grandpa is he was gone all the time for work*).
At that point I dropped the argument. I felt massively disrespected. They don't see me as an adult capable of evaluating my own surroundings; no, I'm a silly idealistic doe-eyed child who just never had to learn that bad people exist. And "a father with a lot of self control"? Just what exactly the fuck is that supposed to mean? That's a rhetorical question. I know exactly what it means, Auntie. Why don't you make my dad a trophy that says "I somehow managed not to rape my own daughter"? I'm sure he'll be fucking proud.
For the record, my dad is wonderful. I don't mean to diminish the fact that many people have been horribly abused by their parents, but at the same time, talking like my dad is some kind of miracle case, saved only by his immense "self control," pisses me off.
Rant over, thanks for listening.
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self.offmychest
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Okay, I'll admit it: I'm in love with my best friend's brother. As kids we didn't understand each other. I thought you were a dumb jock obsessed with popularity, you thought I was a stuck up nerd who tried too hard to stand out. We used to have explosive arguments in your parent's kitchen: about politics, about how sports are dumb, about privilege, about our friends...
Somehow the friction wore us down. We got older. I helped you with your college essays. You used to invite me to your place while you watched football and I would curl up on your couch and read.
We kissed a few times over the years; drunk in the hallway, against the wall in your bedroom...one time we had sex. No one knows. We pretended it never happened.
We are so different externally, but inside we are similar. Your brother described us as "madly in love, in denial and both terrified of emotional intimacy." I never talked with him about you again. Perhaps he was right.
Once, you tried to make it work; I ruined it. You were 25 and I was 21, struggling with an eating disorder, trying to get into a grad school across the county and so fucking ashamed. So fucking ashamed of myself, so terrified of what you would think if you knew the truth, knew about my issues, knew about my instability.
You took me out on dates. You told me I was beautiful, you told me I was brilliant, you called me everyday. You opened up about yourself but I couldn't do the same. I couldn't handle vulnerability, so I pushed you away.
When I broke down and told you we needed to stop, you kissed me one last time and told me I was a weirdo.
Again, we pretended like it never happened.
It's been 3 years. I moved to a few different cities and am now halfway through grad school. Tried to date around but nothing ever stuck. You have a girlfriend, you seem like you love her. Your brother says it won't last, but still, I am happy for you.
Last night, I saw you. You gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek. All I wanted to do was cry in your arms and tell you everything I was too cowardly and stupid to say for the past 10 years.
Of course, that would not be appropriate. I regret pushing you away in my early 20s. I have loved you since I was that little girl on the debate team falling for her best friend's obnoxious older brother. I never knew how to tell you.
I feel like a such a fucking fool.
I'm tired of being afraid of vulnerability. Right now I'm finally ready to love you, but you are not ready to love me. I guess that is life.
All I can say is that next time, if there is ever a next time, I won't be such a coward. I will apologize. I will let you see my cry. I will be honest, painfully, painfully honest. I will tell you everything. Everything. Everything.
Fucking hell, I really love you. I hope one day we can give us a shot.
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self.offmychest
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Someone please, PLEASE tell me a success story. My life is so shit. I finally admitted it. I've encountered so many different failures and I've recovered several times, but I was just served a crushing defeat. Now I'm sitting here in front of my computer thinking to myself if I should just go out with a bang and join the military or something.
I suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember. I know I'm a loser and I hid from it for a long time. I've been in school for 10 years. Ten. YEARS. I got into a university, then failed out because I didn't realize soon enough that the major I chose was not for me, yet I persisted and failed. Also, for the last ten years, I've tried to "eat right" and "exercise" and that has gotten me nowhere. For TEN YEARS I still looked the fucking same.
The most recent 3 years, I've been able to find something I'm truly passionate about (finance, I discovered I'm very good at math), but my GPA is so fucked due to my previous 7 years of fucking around. That's right. For 7 years, all I did was play video games and work part-time at a grocery store being a lazy, good-for-nothing piece of shit to my awesome parents. The parents who worked their goddamn asses off to get us to the states to give me an opportunity to succeed, yet I failed them.
Also, even if I were to graduate, who the hell is going to hire a 35 year old loser whose only work experience is grocery stores for the last ten years? Is there even a goddamn point?
Am I depressed? I don't know, but for the first time in my life, I'm finally feeling an uneasy, disgusting pain from finally looking back at my life and seeing how disgusting and repulsive I've been. Countless times I've picked myself up and now for the first time, I can't do it. I feel like I'm in a prime position to spiral into depression, and I want to fight it, but I'm all out of excuses. Someone PLEASE tell me I'll be alright. What should I do?
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self.depression
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I want to disappear Everything hurts. I'm in pain. Everyday is an obstacle. The medications don't work. The friends don't work.
I'm new to reddit, but I've been lurking for the past few months, but I wanted to post here because I just don't know anymore. I want people, even if strangers, to know my story.
My whole life has just been a lieu of pain. Childhood emotional abuse and mental abuse was at ever corner. Cops constantly visited my school to get me to go home with my mother at the end of day when I didn't want to. Middle school, high school, you name it. Left alone all the time so my social life was fucked from the beginning. Even after my parents divorce and my dad finally getting custody of me, the pain still didn't end. I was constantly put in a position of ridicule for not being into sports or something "normal".
The one time I showed and displayed suicidal ideation, my father chucked my personal computer, that I paid for on my own, against the wall telling me I'm stupid and that I belong with all the other "retarded" patients in a mental hospital. I didn't want to go to hospital. So I've never been hospitalized.
I wish I was. I hate myself. I hate myself. I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm not great.
Recently my "best" friend pushed me out, and now she's just mean to me. I've done nothing to her. Now she's my "ex" friend. I feel forsaken. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't have many friends at all.
I just want to end it all today. I don't care anymore. The consequences I couldn't care less about. I'm just a college student with nothing going for them. My grades are falling. My love life is going to shit. My friends are leaving me. I want to isolate and die.
I want to END it. I want this pain to go away. I want my friends to leave. I want my parents out. I don't care about funeral costs, I don't care about how other people feel. I don't really care. I won't ever get into medical school. I'll never be a psychiatrist. I'll never be a counselor. I'm nothing. I'm fucking ugly. All I fucking do is play Overwatch all day and hope I feel something. I play and main widowmaker. How ironic as that.
Fuck my life. I just... should go away. I have nothing to contribute anyway to this fucking place.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't know what to say or how to help my friend. I am having trouble empathizing. Please help. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Give me one reason to stay alive I'm 27. A lesbian. Due to my traumatic upbringing (or lack there of) I don't want kids--at all. I wouldnt dare bring a child into this cruel world. Most people stay on the straight and narrow for the sake of their family, or idea of a future family--not me. I'm wild, I party, I do drugs and I don't save money or plan for anything. All I wanted out of life was someone to love me unconditionally, thought I had that for almost 3 years until she left when she saw I was succumbing to my abandonment issues by making it clear that she was the only king in life making me happy---that's a lot of pressure on a person. She left in '14 and I've been on a downward spiral ever since. Stopped working. Heavy drug abuse, broke my lease cuz I couldn't stand to be in that apartment. I've been sleepin on couches ever since. Sold my car and tossed all other belongings cuz I felt I was gonna kill myself--but then I didn't. But now I've moved from simply wanting to kill myself cuz of her, to wanting to kill myself cuz I completely fucked over my good (although loveless) life. In 3 years I fucked up my credit, bank account, drivers license, lost apartment and car, have been to jail numerous times...and for some reason my face won't stop breaking out (maybe irrelevant but I don't think so) I attempted suicide before I met her and after the break up. They were both legit attempts in which some evil force guided someone to save me. I keep sayin third times a charm. I kno not to tell anyone, just DO IT. I find no happiness, anywhere. I love my dog but its starting not to be enough to stay alive. I wake up everyday crying, upset that I woke up. I could of been at a Michael Jackson concert the night before, I will still wake up crying. It's so pathetic. I've even uncontrollably (but still went undetected) cried in front of friends during normal conversation cuz I'm so depressed. No one knows. People would be so shocked if I just killed my self. These people think I got it goin on. UH, NO...I DESPERATELY WANT TO DIE. I just wish I didn't have to kill myself. Wish it would happen naturally.
TL DR: I'm a lesbian who doesn't want kids or anything out of life. Why shouldn't I just kill myself? I'm wasting space. Life annoys me
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do I get over a wasted opportunity for a relationship? I was seeing this girl last year and we had a pretty good thing going on. I had never met a person I had so much in common with. She was so perfect to me and she really gave signs that she liked me. In the end however I pussied out and never told her how I feel. Now she's moved back to her country (we're both foreigners living in UK) and has a boyfriend. We still chat on rare occasions. I think about daily what could've been if I made my move and it's keeping me down.
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self.depression
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Feel like I'm not going anywhere (vent sorta) My depression and paranoia are on overdrive right now.
Got ditched by some online friends and I want to cut my self so bad right now... I've been working on making friends in my local collage and plus some online ones but it feels like no matter how much I open up to them they keep me more than ten feet away, and I'm in desperate need of just one person who knows me.
But just like most nights my brain starts telling me that my "Friends" secretly put up with me and that they will probably will leave me before too long... (Sigh)
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self.depression
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We envision life based on others around us. I see people smiling and in company with one another and I wonder if I can ever achieve that. I see my siblings having fun with one another, and being seven years older than my next youngest I wonder if I can ever have fun like that. I read posts on this thread and see people struggling to even shower, yet I can shower and go on to rot in bed all day. Each and every one of us is unique in the way that we envision ourselves to be who we are based on the circumstances that are around us.
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self.depression
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Unable to cope with social isolation and detachment Before anyone suggests therapy, I have my first session ever on Tuesday. I've never been to therapy during any of my previous low points, but this is the first time I've had insurance to cover it.
I'm not nervous about going. I've been counting down the days to when my plan with my employer starts, which was yesterday. I suppose I'm worried it won't work and this is the beginning of the end for me. I hope I wrong. I do have two suicide attempts ever, and both were within the last 14 months. I did make a promise to myself after my last one that I would try everything possible before going for the third time's a charm, and thus far I am completely failing.
Some info is in one of my older posts on another sub, but I'm a 27 year old male that has lived abroad for 6 years and back in July moved to my ideal city in the US. My plan was to finally settle down and stay in one place, but it's not going somewhere.
While I love it here and have no doubt I chose the right place, I am struggling with the settle down part. It's really easy to say you want to finally stop traveling and begin to settle down, but when your previous lifestyle is all you've known then it becomes very hard.
I finally have what I want, but now that I have it I have a big problem with it. I have made a few good friends, but other than that I'm not interested in making friends. I've gone to a few social gatherings lately and had panic attacks of the WTF am I doing variety. It's the realization that I can't even do what I set out to do.
Also, because of how much I traveled I haven't really been in any relationships. I was in one from Feb-June of this year but it had a bad ending. So it also hurts to know that the first time I really tried it ended miserably.
I went on a few dates recently but felt very uneasy about it. The dates themselves went good, but it was again another feeling of WTF am I doing here. I wanted this, to settle down somewhere, make friends, get a normal routine, and date. But I'm struggling with this transition very much and am resisting doing these things even though it's what I wanted most. It was definitely time for me to stop traveling, as a normal life is what I wanted. I just never knew it would be this hard and that I would be fighting this transition.
So dating is something I'm having a hard time doing right now, but I'm also hooking up and fucking different girls multiple times a week. Which further increases my whole depression/anxiety about all of this. I'm basically living like I was when I was still traveling. I feel like I can't date yet but at the same time hooking up is taking it's toll on me.
I don't know what to say other than I hope this shit resolves itself, because right now I've reached the point where it's becoming very challenging to cope with and I can see the path I'd be headed down if this continues.
This isn't even the entirety of my issues...just what is bothering me in the present. I'm looking forward to beginning therapy at least.
Any comments will help, or has anyone been through something similar?
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self.depression
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How do you care about something when you know it's ultimately pointless? I've accepted that suicide is inevitable. Life is miserable and I've tried everything to make it better. It will only get worse as I get older. I've done years of therapy and medication and programs. Life remains miserable, painful, and pointless.
Right now I take care of my mom, who has a lot of health problems. I'm all she has. There's no one else to take care of her and we can't afford for her to be in a nursing home. She doesn't deserve to suffer the loss of child or have to be neglected.
Basically, I'm waiting for her to die so I can kill myself. I don't know when that will be. For the time being, I have to be alive.
I'm working on assignments for incomplete college classes. I'm finding it extremely difficult to work on or finish anything. I know that the work is pointless. I know it won't mean anything or improve my life in any way to do it. I have no desire to do it. And I'm pretty hopeless about even passing these classes even if I do the work. I've already had two professors change their mind about accepting it. I'm trying to get them to reconsider, but hopeless about that as well. If they don't accept it, I don't finish school. Financially we're totally fucked, so there's not an option to retake the classes.
I don't have a desire to finish. I don't aspire to anything. I'm just waiting to die. Rationally, I know it would be better to finish the classes, so I could qualify for some better job opportunities. I feel like I can't find any incentive, no matter what I tell myself or what scenarios I imagine, nothing encourages or motivates or inspires me to the work.
I'm going to be miserable no matter what I do, so why bother? I gave up on life a long time ago. I can't get myself to want anything other than death. It's why I couldn't finish these classes in the first place.
Before I die, I do think I'd like to finish this. The trouble I've had with school has caused me a lot of pain. It's definitely a significant factor in my decision to commit suicide and feelings of hopelessness.
That's not the right thing either though. I still don't care.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Suggestions, please? Hey guys, it's me again. I feel like shit. I have no friends and my mom doesn't care enough. Earlier today I was telling my friend what my anxiety does to me and he just said "Well you are annoying and needy and you actually do bother people, but there are still few people with you. Be thankful. Answer back your anxiety, say I still have few people beside me even if I'm needy, unwanted, etc, etc." I don't know why, but I couldn't just focus on that part of the message where he said people are still there for me, and I just focused where he said I'm annoying, needy and I'm a bother to people and that I'm unwanted. He is my best friend and he is the only one I have and I have no idea what I should do now. Well it's pretty sure that I won't "bother" him with my shit anymore. What do y'all do to make yourselves feel good? (Please don't say meditate and go out and do stuff, I have no energy left to move. All I do is cry and I just lay on my bed all day.) I feel so shit that I actually started laughing in the middle of my break down. I've never elaborated about my feelings this much to anyone apart from my best friend till date, but no one will recognize me here soooo.....
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self.depression
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When I’m off work and have to work the next day, I don’t want to be bothered or do anything? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I’m not actively suicidal but I hope I inexplicably die from a heart attack I’m sitting in my bed typing this unable to move anything other than my fingers. I’ve got exams which I should be revising for, and I think I might be a girl. I know a bunch of people online can’t help me but I needed to get it off my chest.
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self.depression
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got basically nothing for christmas (yet) ok so my mom literally just got me like a 10 dollar pair of sunglasses and that's it. She didn't even go to the store for only the sunglasses. It's from ross and she was probably in line and saw the sunglasses and was like "hey this is a good christmas gift for *insert my name here,* let me get this"
She was saying that she had a bigger present and I was like "cool what is it?" and she said "you'll see later". And then I said "did you actually get me anything" and she was like "no, I didn't get anything. Sorry" and not even in an actual sincere tone. She might've gotten me something and I guess it's too early to say for sure but I don't think she did. This is like the fucking cherry on top of me being suicidal and my depression. She literally spent money on our housemates but not on me. I fucking hate my life. Nobody gave me anything. I'm already kinda suicidal and I tried slitting my wrists but this, whew, this is like the worst shit that's ever happened on family events, ever. And instead of acting sad that I didn't get anything I had to be like "honestly I didn't expect you to get me anything either way". I'm gonna talk to her about it in the morning but yeah, fuck.
And I know you guys are probably gonna say "BE GRATEFUL CUNT" but honestly, you would be pissed off if all you got was 10 dollar sunglasses and you know it.
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self.depression
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We love who we think we deserve I always thought that this was true ,that we only love who we think we are capable of being with,but everything changed when I fell in love with this girl.she is in my class .I fell in love with her like one falls asleep,slowly then all at once .I don't even know how to approach her ..i don't think i can.life is filled with girls like her..wonderful to imagine ..easy to fall in love with,but fleeting and out of reach.
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety with jobs in increasing responsibility in corporate environment I've been reflecting and find myself feeling anxiety and worry about taking on a job with increased responsibility. Increased responsibility would include leading others, having direct reports, leading a highly visible and impactful project, etc.
Has anyone felt this way also?
If you are interested in exploring management roles, but have this sort of anxiety, any advice for how to overcome?
I am not looking for commentary on whether this is the right thing to do or not. I am specifically looking for input whether anyone else feels this way when considering higher responsibility jobs or careers which cause anxiety and how to manage the anxiety.
Thanks in advance!
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self.Anxiety
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Life is lonely for me and I gotta get used to that Life is lonely for me and I gotta get used to that
Sometimes I felt like I was on the right path. A healthy teenager headed for the grand ole family with two kids and the rest of the toppings. But after 3 failed relationships I think this is about it.
It's not even that I was raised this way - I have a sister who is perfectly socially active and doesn't have the same boundaries put up as I do. I think my brain is fucked. So fucked that any amount of love or compassion is gone.
My mother's been going through a double lung transplant recently and I feel nothing. She's the only person in the family who I don't feel annoyed by, yet I wouldn't even feel bad if she died right this second. She's constantly yelling in pain at night and it doesn't even keep me up, I just fall asleep like nothing's even happening.
The first relationship was nothing short of a manipulative scheme. I had liked this girl for about a year and a half. It's the typical friend zone bullshit that you see everywhere. But one of my friends and I has this amazing way to see how she actually felt. We pretended that we liked each other in an attempt to reveal how the crush felt. Mind you, the crush is currently in a relationship. (A happy one I might add) Surprisingly the plan worked, and she was my girlfriend for the duration of one summer. Then she decided to cut off contact and leave me alone.
One bad story is alright, but here's another. The second relationship was kind of like the first but on a bigger scale. This time I had what I thought for sure was love. It wasn't a constant crush-like scenario but more of an on and off attraction. We had been friends for the better part of 10 years. She moved across the country but we kept in contact. After a few months of her being gone, I decided to try and have a few flings because... why not?
That was a mistake. I not only realized that I'm bad at one night stands, but I also realized I'm completely clueless when it comes to being in a relationship. My roommate gave me this girls phone number to try and get me laid. She ended up being super cool and down with it so we met up. Instead of doing the do, we just ended up making out and watching Netflix. It was actually really nice. It seemed like I was moving on from the moved away girl, but I wasn't. Literally 6 days later, after having 6 of the best days I've ever had, I broke up with her. She just wasn't doing it for me, all because I thought me and moved away girl were meant to be.
After she had moved to Minnesota, I went to visit her and we ended up hooking up. Never had I ever thought that we would be hooking up. It was hilarious because we had our first kiss on a bunk bed with her roommate sleeping in the bottom bunk. So after the many hook ups during my trip, I went back. And I thought we were going to turn this friendship into a relationship.
Welp. That didn't work out. After month, she texts me and says that she wants to "take a break from out friendship." But she says it's only for a bit until she can figure out what she wants.
So I said, listen here fucko, either you're in or you're out. I'm tired of the on and off relationship we've had (which was very prevelant over the years) and I just want stability. So I cut her out. I realized that I was just a manipulated puppy who would patiently wait for their owner to come and claim them, giving unconditional love no matter what. But this time I was done. I threw away a perfectly good relationship for her and she just quits when we haven't even gotten started.
This is when I realized how alone I was going to be. After all of this, I realized that I don't carry human emotions with me. I carry balloons. Fucking filled with nothing but air. Any shrivel of emotion left in my system was ripped out by my family and relationships. I am unsure if I will feel again.
I am unsure if I will be forever alone by choice or by force. But in the meantime, I'll just keep going till I die a lonely death in this fucking isolate shitshow of a romcom.
TLDR; Fuck relationships, they fucked with me and idk if I can be un-fucked and be in another one anymore.
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self.offmychest
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Withdrawals from paraoxetine (Paxil) Hi there everyone!
I have just recently, under the supervision of my doctor, weaned off my paroxetine. It helped with my paranoia and anger, but did not help with my anxiety or depression. So, I asked me doctor to take me off of it because they weight gain was bumming me out pretty bad and it wasn't helping significantly.
Anyways, I have been on 30 mg since December of 2016, and he told me to half my dosage every day for a week, then for another week take half a dosage every other week, and then stop.
My withdrawal symptoms weren't bad, things I could deal with - the bowel troubles, vivid dreams, all that was fine, but, then the God-awful brain zaps began.
THEY ARE CONSTANT it seems.
I am on day 3 of absolutely no medication. The brain zaps themselves wouldn't be so unbearable if they didn't make me feel nauseous, like car-sick nauseous. I feel car-sick all the time. I have moments throughout the day where they will go away, but then they come back with a vengeance!
I just picked up some Flax Seed Oil because I read that Omega-3's help significantly with the brain zaps. I just took my first dosage, nothing yet. But I'm hoping after a day or two it will really start helping.
Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to make the process easier? I have no intentions of getting back on the medicine ever or any type of medicine like that. The brain zaps are awful, but I will not go back on it for anything. I'm too far in now to quit.
Anyone else experience these? If you do/have, did you find anything that helped relieved the brain zaps? They're driving me insane!
**EDIT** Thank you all so much for your responses! I appreciate every one of them! I am now with a therapist, and I spoke to her about my medication, and she recommended for the time being to taper down to a lower dosage that helps me JUST enough to take the edge off. And then, down the road after she feels I've had adequate therapy to maybe try and taper off the medication completely.
So, it seems for now, I'm back on my medicine, just 15 mg right now, and we're going to *slowly* taper me down to 5 mg and see how I feel then.
Again, thank you all so much for your responses!
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self.Anxiety
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Is it possible for major depression to give psychosis as strong as schizophrenia ? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Just had a huge argument with my parents, I have the threat of being kicked out over my head. They said they don't want me around. They said they don't want to deal with me or my problems. I have no friends to help me if it comes to that and I'm tempted to just run away on my own to get away from them. They're not abusive but they have been causing me so much harm. I'm seriously considering hanging myself tonight. I want all of this to end.
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self.depression
|
At a NYE party and sitting by myself I hate being fucking forced to go to these shitty parties where everyone is forced to interact with each other even though nobody gives two shits about anybody. All I wanted was to stay home in bed and sleep the night away but now I'm stuck with these miserable fucks and contemplating offing myself in the bathroom. Fuck this bullshit.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I failed a class and I’m so god damn lonely f21 [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Subsets and Splits
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