text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
Not taking many uni courses, how do you deal with the feeling of being useless/not using your brain to DO things? I don't know how else to explain this but I will try. I don't do that much in my day compared to other people. It feels like I'm not using my brain and I'm just doing really stupid, menial tasks day by day. It makes me feel like shit because the whole day will go by and I didn't do anything 'productive'.
I don't know how to explain it but I am craving to do work, and exercise my brain. It feels like I've been a useless sack of shit for the past month and I hate it. I mean yeah I probably have been a useless sack of shit but even when I would study a whole lot and work hard in my classes I still felt useless and like I wasn't progressing forward as a human?
At the end of the day it almost feels like my brain is just mushy slime because I didn't actually USE it to do anything hard or solve problems....does that make sense? It's not brain fog its just like..... I feel really fucking useless I don't know.
I have so much free time and I know the logical answer would just be to work or volunteer somewhere but its just hard to not be so fucking tired and unmotivated all the time you know?
I've started reading too.
|
self.depression
|
Dark(2) My finals were coming up. I screwed them. I passed somwhow. I was depressed. I had a hard time explaining why I was like this to my family and friends. I wanted him. He didn't. I started cutting my arm and all, hoping he'd get sympathetic and stay with me. I didn't care what the reason was. Love or whatever. I just wanted. Him.
Things happened. And we broke up. I was with another guy. I thought that would just be a rebound thing but right now, almost three and a half years later, we're still going strong.
That chapter of my life was over. I was happier. But it took almost a year and a half to completely get over him. My ex.
Down to reason 2 Now.
2. Moving away for college. I thought that's just the change that I needed in life but I was wrong. I hated it there in college. It was so lonely. I had Friends. But no one to actually hang out with. I was alone. Wanting to go back home where everything was familiar. But that wasn't possible. I tried taking with my mom and dad. But they wouldn't listen. So I asked stuck. I wasn't doing good in class. I was trying. I got better in classes. But mentally iy was hard.
Then came pleurisy. A lung condition. And a sudden attack of asthma. Pericarditis. And some other minor things.
Sick and alone. I started getting bitter. Negativity surrounded Me. Life seemed useless. There was nothing to look forward to. Nothing to live for. I had friends and family and a significant other who loved me a lot and I loved him back. But none of that seemed important enough to live for.
I tried taking to him. Explaining why I was acting the way I was but I guess after sometime he got fed up. He understood me but not too well.
To him it was like me making negativity and sadness a hobby. But that wasn't the case. He tried. He really tried all that he could. But I was in too deep. He told me to force myself to be happy, think happy and be happy, but it's not so easy you know?
You'll only know how it is if you feel it yourself.
I was stuck. I started cutting my arm and taking high doses of whatever Med I could find and sleeping pills. I wanted to sleep forever. To die. I started planning and plotting the best ways to die painlessly. I was a wimp, a pussy. I wanted to die but I was too chicken to actually do it.
I walked out In the middle of the night multiple times wandering around aimlessly trying to clear my mind, to make a decision. It was useless. I wanted to walk up in front of a car or a bus and get hit and die. I tried that. I got scared and never succeeded.
Now a year later, when my medical conditions are fine and I finally thought I was over it all. I started feeling sad one again last night. Like life was meaningless. Nothing to look forward too.
I want to die
Again
I'm scared that everything will change in the future. Nothing will be the same. I'm not the kind of person that can look forward to the future. I want to cling on to the past I don't know why.
I'm sad
I'm stupid and useless and overly emotional.
Should I do it?
|
self.depression
|
I hate my children I am feeling so low at the moment, I just don't know what to do anymore - I hate my children more and more each day. I am constantly tidying and cleaning and when I turn my back for one second there is just more mess and more dirt. On top of that, both started whinging and screaming now for no reason other than get my attention - I am having two whinging children around me for over three weeks now and all I can think of is that I want them to shut up. They don't lack anything, they are warm, fed, have clean nappies, get cuddles and still this constant whining. It's getting so bad now, I think of doing my children or myself harm and it really frightens me. I just want to give them away for a week and all I want to do is sleep and not wake up again
|
self.offmychest
|
Have this need to help people even though they didn't ask for it [removed]
|
self.offmychest
|
I know what true love feels like. I never really admit I was over you.
Three relationships later and you're still "the one that got away" for me.
Three relationships later and you're still the one I wish I could go back in time for.
Three relationships later and just the rare mere thought of you brings me to my knees.
It helps to block you on all social media in addition to not being able to see you for over six years; but you have such a special place in my heart I can't ever really erase it no matter how much I tried. I don't know if I should be happy or sad about that.
But over six years passed from the days you were by my side and I learned to foster relationships and feel deeply for others.
Today was a rare day you crossed my mind. As I walked on the underground train pathway, trying to avoid stepping on the lines, I reflected on just how intensely I still felt for you. It makes me so sad to think that I'll have to harbor this feeling. It makes me so sad that the only way to move on is to never think of you at all. And as I walked I wondered, do you feel this way too? How can something so strong be one sided? Do you feel for me too? Do you avoid it too? Do you not think of me...ever?
You show up in my dreams sometimes; they're usually in the same format of me accidentally running into you, looking for you, not finding you. I read somewhere that people that appear in your dreams thought of you before they fell asleep that night... I wish it was true.
I try to step out of this love dream haze and think that maybe I'm in love with the innocence of our love, and the person you made me become. After you all these qualities that I get praised for in relationship; patience, super loving, tenderness,romantic...it was all because I lost you. I passed all that genuine love along but it all started with you.
I hope you and your girlfriend are happy; I hope you achieve all you want in life. You once said you could never find a girl that gave you the feeling that my smile did, and somewhere deep down I still hope that's true. I wonder if when they ask you who your first love was my name crosses your mind.
I hope I can forget about you long enough to find my own fulfilling relationship like it seems you have, but thank you for letting me know what true love feels like.
|
self.offmychest
|
I gave up smoking a while ago and started vaping but i’m having a bad week of mixed episode, wanting to smoke one.. [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Similar sites like Twitch? I'm lonely as all hell and hanging out in Twitch, chatting with a bunch of people and hearing the streamer talk live makes me happy.
Are there other sites where there's a live stream and you can also chat with other people? Doesn't have to be about games. I just really need a place to hang and talk.
|
self.depression
|
You don't know what you've got until it's gone forever. Opportunities that are gone and people that are gone are gone forever, with no chance of return. That's what gets me all the time, but maybe it's time to let go. Fine, I'll let go. Whatever, fuck it... I feel like I can't speak my mind anymore.
Do you ever get people always trying to tell you others have it harder than you? And do they also doubt that you've been tried to the point of so much pressure you're ready to leave the earth at any second? That's all I get, but I mean, it doesn't matter what their opinion is because it doesn't change the gaping chasm of torment inside of me that I feel so deeply in my heart, and they don't know. They just don't know, so I'm not even offended, just annoyed at the misjudgment. The holidays also hit me so hard, and it's so hard to help other people when I can't even help myself.
I'm also tired of the same old story. Speaking your mind is a sin, and everything is a sin. You can't serve two masters. It pays in this world to be evil, and the more forgiving you are the more mistreated you are. The harder you work the dumber you're seen as. Be patient and work through the thick and thin and blessings will come, or they won't, we're just told that... And everything is turning hideous around me.
What is the worth of a blessing, when it is impossible to attain what I desire? And that very desire creates an umbra that diminishes any trivial blessing...there are things I've tried, and are still impossible to achieve, even with the most effort...I desire to be with a certain woman... but it's all beaten back by life or nature all the time. I do not know where to go, or where to turn for an answer that will support me in what I actually want to achieve and who I want to be with...there's no such thing as free will if you have to align all of your desires and your deepest ones with God's, because that's saying that I don't even know what I want... when I know what I want.
You know...?
|
self.depression
|
How to you cope with ”do nothing” when anxiety arise? For me it feels impossible because I can not stand the feeling of anxiety and just want it to leave and I am constantly obsessing about “when will it stop, leave me alone. I will always feel like this etc ” I do not get panic attacks it’s more a feeling of desperate despair for no special reason. The issue is it seems It never leave you alone when you want it to leave and for me its very hard to concetrate on anything else then the anxiety. I am just afraid of the anxiety itself because the anxiety makes me a person I do not want to be and stop me from living the life I want. Someone recognizing this? My psychiatrist say you can’t influence it so just let it be. Do not solve it. I feel I don’t try to solve it but the anxiety is there anyway. Why? Because I want it to leave and then it just gets stronger and stronger. Easy to say harder to apply. How do you cope with this? Don’t say make myself a cup of tea and take a bath because this is beyond that. :)
|
self.Anxiety
|
I've found a way to properly word my situation. I'm almost purely careless about myself. It's simple. There's nothing wrong with my life as of now, but there is nothing good enough either. I could get up, go to school and do a whole buch of the things that normal people do, but laying in bed and not doing anything is far more comfortable and takes far less energy.
So, I consider maybe taking a lethal dose of isopropanol as well as something to make me fall asleep, so I wont have to get up, eat, use the washroom or do anything that requires effort or getting up ever again.
I've been thinking about seeing a counsellor or something, but I feel like this is far too mild of an issue for both them and myself, I wouldn't want to take time away from someone who may need it more than me. On top of this, my lack of motivation could be from not having the best life ever, and maybe in order to care more for myself, I just need to wait for myself to heal, and then I could be normal.
What should I do?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Dear person watching Star Wars sitting behind me. Die in a fire while stepping on legos.
Stop fiddling with the fucking plastic to your stupid fucking gummy bears.
Movie was great btw. :-)
|
self.offmychest
|
life is shitty for me at least thats all it is shitty just the fact cause i can’t enjoy christmas or new years anymore just makes it more depressing i think god hates me right now i know i sinned but im sorry god but i did these things and now im punished for it forever.
|
self.depression
|
Is this agitated depression? I have a history of depression and anxiety, especially in winter. A few weeks ago I noticed I started getting really fatigued, I couldn’t drag myself out of bed, and by late afternoon I was a zombie.
Lately, I also noticed I keep getting these rushing thoughts, like I’ve had way too much caffeine or something (I don’t actually drink caffeine). I feel really agitated, like I can’t settle. I’ve also been having these outbursts of rage.
Is this a type of agitated depression? I don’t have a history of bipolar...
|
self.depression
|
I was raped but why don't you believe me? I was raped about 2+ years ago once by a guy at a concert and a few months later by my close friend. I was almost 20 when I was raped and I blamed myself for it until the day I opened up to my bf and my best friend, about a year after. Since then I haven't told anyone, I still secretly blamed myself for it and lived in fear of someone not believing me so I just stayed quiet about it. That is until today. Today I told my sister I was raped and to my surprise she didn't believe me. Instead she asked me questions like "did you even try to fight him or push him" "Why did you give him that power" And "why didn't you scream?" As she began to question my rape I began to see my worse dear of not being believed come to life right in front of me. My own sister is questioning me you know! As I cried I began to tell her it's people like her that keep the rape victims living in fear of being judged or not believe. And you know what she started to do as I balled my eyes and screamed at her? She smiled. She smiled as if she finally broke me as a women and was proud of doing so. Me and her have never had the best relationship and I don't even see me wanting a relationship ever after today. I don't need replies or anything for this I just wanted to talk to someone about my shit day.
Thank you for your time. Have a beautiful night
|
self.depression
|
I’m constantly terrified by the thought that I may never find love I keep doing this to myself. I constantly worry about finding love, and end up sabotaging myself. I’ve tried everything. From having friends introduce me to women, to dating apps like Tinder. I’ve even tried that mail-order bride site A Foreign Affair.
I honestly don’t know what’s wrong. I meet great women, we hit it off, and I end up looking for the smallest reason to break off things. It’s like some kind of compulsion. I once broke up with a woman because I was weirded out by the size of her ears.
This is the level of shallow I am. I recognize this in myself. I don’t know what to do to change it. I can’t stop thinking about what’ll happen when I grow old and have nobody.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel so lonely I would normally keep these thoughts to myself, eventually bringing them up in therapy. But seeing as how writing about my feelings always seems to help, I figured I could write them here...
Anyways, I'm in college, in a different city than my home town, and have been for the past 4 years, currently on the last year of my master's. The problem with that is, I don't have classes anymore, after 16 years of it. After 16 years of having people by my side most of the day, usually people I knew and trusted, I'm doing an internship, with two other guys that while I generally like them, I just don't identify much with them. On top of that, my internship in reasearch is really flexible, so I don't even spend much time around them, or the university. That by itself makes me feel lonely. But it goes deeper than that.
Because, while for the past 4 years I've had friends in classes (and for the most part, they still are friends), we were a very closed group, and to an extent we fed on each other our way of being not very social (read: almost nothing). And so in 4 years, I can count by the fingers in one hand the number of times we did anything out of school. And now I look at myself, my life, and it's like there's nothing there. Just school/internship and being home, in my room by myself (because I don't feel too comfortable with my flatmates either, ever since I first had a depressive episode, in my first year). I pretty much spend all week by myself, and it hurts. And then I go outside, interact with the guys in my internship, and it's tiring and stressful, and I wish to be alone. But not really alone.
Never having really felt any affection from my parents (they were there, just no affection shown), I long for a hug, to get home and have someone there waiting for me, ready to cuddle me, hold my head, kiss me. Just feel some affection. To just have someone with whom I can be emotionally vulnerable and let all my feelings go, instead of constantly putting a lid on them. I'm so emotionally lonely, there's noone really there to hold my feelings, and accept them, and love me despite (or for) them, but at the same time, there's noone I really trust, noone I feel like could be that person...
And I'm just so lonely, so empty
|
self.depression
|
how to get the guts to press My attempt (if you can even call them attempts) were never failed plans but always stopping eight before doing it even after planning everything.
I want to know from people who had failed attempts what was that last little push so you actually execute the lethal part of your plans.
I wish I was strong enough to do it, guess I cant even rely on myself to do anything basic like that, living up to my history of failures and uncommitment
My nights can't always end with me crying myself to sleep, it must end someday, wtf is wrong with me for not being able to do it
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
dealing with unhealthy/Toxic roommate WARNING!!!
alright, this is a rant. this person has bpd, but it is not aimed about bpd people in general, but i do need to mention it because it's relevent! i mention taking responsibilities for your actions, even when mentally ill.
---------------------------------------------------------------
my roommates and i had 2 instances where my roommate, let's call her Susan, has made horrible, rash decisions that land her in dangerous situations. had to call the police twice. once, she got super drunk, walked into this random dues house, he was trying to keep her there (a drunk 20 year old, wtf!). called the cops, got her home. she had traumatic nightmares reliving her rape as a child, screamed and hallucinated all night. got 2 hours of sleep and had a 12 hour shift the next day. another time she took a ton of acid, freaked the fuck out, tried to jump out the window several times, ran around the house naked flipping tables over and hitting people and screaming. masturbated in front of us. called the police, took Susan to a psych ward for the night after 2 hours of dealing with it. ended up going to an acquaintances house at 3am because i couldn't handle it. i hate being a burden and asking to stay at someones house in the middle of the night, but she literally slapped me in the face and flipped our fucking coffee table and chairs over.
i'm not trying to belittle her trauma and suffering. i do believe she suffers a lot. but it's pissing me off that she's relying on her roommates to continually "save her." she does nothing to make her life better; she continues to drink, continues to fuck up her sleep cycle, continues to invite random dudes over to have sex with (she has told me this makes her feel bad!) i've lost sympathy for her when she does these things. i do not want to clean up after her bad decisions anymore. being in environments like that really fuck me up. she should not be drinking or taking acid if she knows this is what happens. literally less than a week after the acid incident, i get a call from my other roommate that she's drunk downtown by herself at some random bar (5pm on a monday).
she tried to tell me that mentally ill people just need help and need people not to give up on them. i am all for this (i have bipolar!), but i am only for this if the person demonstrates they want to get better. it's pissing me off that she uses her roommates to save her from her bad choices. the general chaos in the house is fucking with my mental health; i can't change my partying/messy roommates, but the fact my own health is suffering due to my environment adds to my frustration about her behavior. being mentally ill does not rid you of responsibilities. if you know you can't handle substances, don't do them. it seems like she doesn't want to be helped to me.
i know i probably seem shitty for saying all this, maybe i am. i want other mentally ill people's opinions, talking to neurotyps isn't really super helpful-- i've gotten my life together and part of that has been "sucking it up and dealing with my mental illness" in a way. i've changed my sleep cycle, eat right, work out, etc. i feel like she should at least be TRYING to do the same if she wants support. based on her continued bad habits (along with a conversation in which she suggested she likes doing dangerous things) it does not seem to me like she does.
do you think i'm being too harsh in my judgement of her? should i be offering more support/sympathy?
|
self.bipolar
|
Is it inevitable for me? I don't understand. 33/m - Have struggled with thoughts since a teenager. While I don't get to the planning stages, I still think about it. A lot. Mostly about what would happen if I did and how confusing it is to not being able to stop thinking about it. My mom died by suicide when I was 23. My dad's father died by suicide when my dad was 4. I often think it is inevitable for me.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Was able to open up So it was my birthday last Friday and yesterday my life long friend who also suffers, went out to dinner and I was able to open up to him how I was feeling and we really connected and realized how similar we're feeling. Just wanted to put this out there.
|
self.depression
|
Sleep problems Hey guys is there someone who fell asleep badly? Every night i cant sleep or just badly...so many things goes in my brain thru night. I recap every thing that i did badly in my day or some big things that i fcked up in my life...when i woke up i feel tyred already. I even dont know when i have dream during sleep lastly... Is there someone with this kind of problem?
|
self.Anxiety
|
It's all my fault we broke up My ex just texted me "It's all your fault we broke up." I'm unlovable. My depression will ruin every relationship I'm in and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be loved but nobody wants to. They can't stand me for more than a month.
|
self.depression
|
What The Fuck Am I Doing? I truly am in limbo right now.
I'm in Asia teaching English, far away from my home country. It's dawning on me that I think I just did this to truly rid myself of responsibilities and social pressure. I'm in my early twenties and I don't feel like I really have any skills. I've got a degree that I don't know if I'll ever use. I can speak a bit of this language, a bit of that... I like to write very occasionally, and I always tell people that's my main hobby. So how come the last time I actually sat down and worked on something was months ago? Every time my dad makes a joke about me being the next J.K. Rowling, I cringe. My stories got good grades in high school. I'm a big girl now, and my passion's slowly been whittled away by the world.
I'm still in love with my ex, even though we split up nearly three years ago now. This isn't as sad as it sounds- he has feelings for me too. The only kicker is that we're so far apart. Oh, and he has a girlfriend. Who he started seeing pretty fucking shortly after we broke up. That didn't stop us from messing around that one time he visited without her. And the last time we had cam sex wasn't even that long ago. In my head, I could be with him forever. I could see myself having kids with him. But I can't help but wonder if he's just missing the sex, and that we're on completely different levels.
I'm a terrible person back home and only slightly less so out here. I get too drunk and insult my dearest friends, and apparently have a thing for messing around with people already in relationships. What the fuck? I never thought I'd be this person. I can't talk to my best friends about it- they'd judge me to fuck, and rightfully so.
I'm going to move back nearer home at the end of next year. What will I have to show for it? Learned some of a language, saw some cool countries, maybe put on a bit of weight (that last one is not a good thing). Every day I tell myself that tomorrow I'll start doing yoga, and using my resistance band, stop snacking in the evenings, writing my short stories, and have that eureka moment where I decide what my business is going to be. But it never manifests, because I'm too fucking lazy. I just want to stay in bed and sleep until I leave for my winter vacation, because then I have an excuse to not do anything. I have so many unread messages on my phone that I just can't be bothered to answer. It's sitting right there beside me, and somehow writing this all out was easier than answering those fucking messages.
Fuuuuuck.
|
self.offmychest
|
Do I apologize? Do I apologize for the person I've been.
To my family, to the few friends who have stuck around, to the acquaintances who tried to make a connection that I ignored, to my coworkers, to everyone in my life I've neglected or just couldn't find the energy to put in the effort for.
Can I blame my depression for me being a shitty person?
|
self.depression
|
i literally dont even know what i want. i've done as much reading as the next redditor on depression, adhd, self improvement, social skills, life goals etc. most of the articles ive read about getting out of the hole start with something along the lines of "what makes you happy? ok now do that" but i'm two steps back from that. i actually do not know what i want out of life, i dont know what i enjoy. ive got a job that pays the bills and enough to afford video games and the like, so by all accounts i should feel great. i have plenty of time to work on my art or learning whatever skill i want, but for whatever reason i just wont. i can only manage to shake this feeling of profound boredom/dissatisfaction/wrongness/impending disaster for days at a time.
i feel i should provide insight into my background.
i grew up in the kind of neighborhood where every neighbor is the creepy/weird one. i didnt really have any friends until after high school (mainly because i was home schooled). the friends i have now are pretty much in the same position in life as me, but im finding them more and more difficult to relate to. when we hang out we just smoke weed and im always bored, i dont think i should be hanging out with them any way because they dont push me toward goals or anything, they're pretty much the same kind of cancerous as me.
i am second youngest of a very christian family, church every sunday and wednesday, deeply 'philosophical' over analysis of the bible, the works. as part of being raise christian on of the things most consistently drilled is that no mater what you acquire or achieve in this world, you will be dissatisfied, so i dont know if that's a human thing or if i was just told that so many times that it became true for me.
having no where to escape to, my siblings and i spent most of our free time abusing each other because there was nothing else to do besides nurture each other's anxieties and flaws into fully matured dysfunctions. my dad was pretty much gone at work all day every day, only coming home on the weekends to berate us into doing chores that had piled up throughout the week, and dish out the occasional belt spanking. nearly every saturday would begin(after cartoons) with my mom and dad arguing about bullshit. basically making each other's lives difficult for no good reason. my dad being a stubborn pushover and my mom being a passive control freak. any time i expressed interest in a given field, my mom would encourage me as far as it didn't require any meaningful effort/action, this fed into my tendency to abandon anything the moment it challenges me. she would also ignore me while encouraging me to continue talking, so i still don't know when to shut up. i pretty much always had my mom degrading me and baiting me into fights, and my dad punishing me for getting baited the same way he ~~did~~ still does. my parents are very high effort people to be around, constant nitpicking/shittesting of every thing you say, if you don't plan out and qualify the shit out of every thing you say then they will pounce on the slightest flaw and extrapolate that into total disqualification of whatever it is you're trying to express, if at all possible. on top of all of this, my older siblings were subjected to much the same brand of fuckery, so i had all them pretending they were my parents while sucking at it even worse (because, shit, it's not like they knew to act any different). i found out recently that the reason my parents decided to have me and most of my siblings was tangential to actually having kids (imagine if your parents had you because your mom thought she looked better pregnant). i feel like i am the result of what should have been two dead ends for natural selection. i've never been in any romantic relationship and i think that's because two wrongs dont make a right, even when they try six times. my thinking is that if my parents failed then they must have produced a failure, so the best thing for me to do would be not repeat their mistake (but maybe that's just sour grapes).
all of this leads back to me not knowing what i want from myself or my life.
i'm sorry if this is just a long complaint, or if it doesnt belong here, or if it's just another cookie-cutter post from just another first world millennial. this shit's been on my mind for a while and i dont know what to do about it. am i just broken? i feel like a social mutant.
|
self.depression
|
The path to the dark side perfectly describes my life. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
My suicide letter UPDATE: Hey folks, I'm still alive. Sorry for making all of you guys worry so much. Last night, after I made the post and sent the link to my friends, I was about to jump. I thought that I wasn't afraid of dying. Turns out I was. I must've spent an hour or so up there trying to work up the courage to take my life. But I just couldn't bring myself to. Thankfully, my friends started to bombard me with calls once they saw my message. I owe them my life. Thank you all so much for your support and love. I'm going to go to my school counselor to seek help. Thank you all a billion times over.
Dear my friends,
Hey guys, you're probably reading this after I have already jumped off of my roof. You might be wondering why I would publicly post my suicide note online, but I guess I just want some other people to read it and care about me even if they don't know who I am.
I'm a piece of shit. You guys already know that I make suicide jokes way too often, and for the past 2 years I've just been attention seeking, saying that I'm depressed or want to die so that I could make other people worry about me. So that I could feel that people cared about me. I've been a disappointment and a burden to my family for the short 14 years I've been alive due to our tight financial situation. I've been an arrogant asshole to you guys for a long time as well. I'm so sorry. I don't even know if you guys would feel guilty at all, but if you happen to, please don't blame yourself. It's all my fault.
To Colin and Scott, thank you so much. Thank you so so so so so much. You guys really were my best friends. I know that you guys didn't consider me an important friend of yours, but that's fine. I loved you guys. When I was down in the dumps, you guys tried to pick me back up and help me on my feet. Thank you for putting up with my shit for years. Thank you a million times over.
To Amy, thank you as well. Ever since I started talking to you a couple of months back, I know I've been annoying, I know I've overstepped boundaries, but thank you so much for putting up with my bullshit. I hope that in this short time I've managed to become someone close to you, but that probably hasn't happened huh. I know this is gonna be really edgy and retarded coming from a dead 14 yr old, but fuck it why not. I've had a crush on you, but I haven't asked you out because I know that you have a crush on another guy.
To Micaiah, I only became friendly with you for a couple of months, but it sure as hell was a fun couple of months. You're a really funny and smart guy, so keep being you! You can get pretty insecure sometimes so believe in yourself ok?
You guys were my closest friends, even though I probably wasn't any of your close friends. Thank you so much for the fun years.
Thank you,
Justin
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I got ECT and I thought it cured my depression, but it really just flipped me into mania fml Which is why I'm awake at 3:35 in the goddamn morning. I don't know what to do anymore, meds don't help. I've been on around 30 different meds in the past 5 years and I just continue to get worse. I got ECT because I was desperate, at the end of my rope, and wanted to commit suicide. There was an attempt. I've tried to kill myself so many times, I've started to believe I'm immortal.
And now this. I really thought I was better, but the fact is... I'm not. I'm manic. And we all know where that leads, it's just a matter of time before I'm depressed again. I literally cannot handle this bullshit anymore. I'm sick of meds and sick of being involuntarily placed in the hospital. I've been inpatient at least 4 times since September. My memory has been DESTROYED. Thank you, ECT! I started off current year by being in the psych ward smh
I just... can't anymore.
|
self.bipolar
|
Just found my dog dead, who helped me get through the hardest times and now I feel like I can't go on. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
First posting, trying to open up Hi group, this is my first posting, but I just feel like I have to share what's going on in my head. I have had my diagnosis for about 2 years, I was 29. This was after 14 years of varying diagnoses and pretty intense battle with alcoholism. I've been sober for 6+yrs and they are finally figuring out my underlying mental health issues.
I have always felt broken, so I was initially relieved to get a solid answer for what has been going on. I was manic during diagnosis and they immediately put me on meds to bring me down, adding a second one a few months later for increased stability. I have not been up like I was during that initial diagnosis but I would give an arm and a leg to get there again.
Due to varying life circumstances I have not had a consistent doctor through these two years which has been really frustrating, one Dr will say BP1, another BP2. I have been really off kilter these last few months, and pretty depressed these last few weeks.
It was pointed out to me, gently, last night by my SO of over a year, that I'm hard to be in a relationship with, and that he's scared to love me, he never knows who I'm gonna be when he comes home. That combined with my meds being changed again just has me really down, trying to accept some facts about this disorder. I don't want to deal with med changes and intense mood swings, don't want to push people away from my unpredictability, want to stay consistent with my work and school motivation and productivity. I'm tired, and I'm scared of having to deal with this shit forever.
|
self.bipolar
|
Well, my mother's not as supportive as I thought she was, but i went to the doctor today and got more help Hello all, you may recognize me as that annoying guy that's been posting all over the sub lately. ;) Fair warning, pretty large post.
**TL;DR: My mother isn't very supportive of my mental health anymore because I'm getting worse, but I am getting more help and making real, tangible progress today. Whoo.**
So, I mentioned that I've been feeling existential crisis in the introduction thread, and I wanted to post about what I've been feeling and going through as I try to help myself in the hopes that it may help or inspire others on the sub.
I went to the doctor today, because I've been feeling bad existential anxiety. I already take medication for depression and anxiety, but it clearly wasn't helping enough. I take paroxetine once a day, and alprazolam as needed for panic onsets. He upped my dosage of paroxetine, and referred me to a psychiatrist for maybe more specialized medication. I honestly came away from my appointment pretty happy, because I thought I was bettering myself by getting the help I need.
Then I came home and told my mother the good news. Well, I should preface this by saying that my mother and I have a good relationship. Not good enough that I went to her when I first started feeling depressed at 15, but enough that when I had my first panic attack in front of her at 21, she understood what I was going through and helped me to get real help. She lets me live in her home without working and paying rent. She told me to take a year off of school because my grades were bad enough it wouldn't do anything for me. She's being amazing to me, honestly. But apparently, her understanding only goes so far.
The first thing she did when I told her the doctor upped my dosage was to roll her eyes and say of course he did. I told her I was feeling bad and I needed it and was happy to get it. She screamed at me. She told me no one wants to be worse and how could I be okay with the doctor upping my dosage. Now, my mother does have bad anger issues. I've begged her to get help for them in the past, and she does have a tendency to yell at both me and my grandmother. But as I said, she is very very good to me. It's a character flaw, a bad one, but my grandmother and I accept her as she is. But I never imagined she would say something like that to me. In hindsight, she never wanted me to go to a psychiatrist, and I actually have never gone to one, in large part because I trust her and value her opinion and also because I was getting better, for a time. Now, this doesn't mean I don't trust psychiatrists or anything, I've recommended many people to go to them over the past few days on this very sub. But well, I suppose my mother doesn't take my mental health as seriously as I thought she did.
I dunno guys, I'm feeling pretty sad and disappointed. With all the abundance of help she's given me, freely I might add, I thought she got it. I thought she understood that I had a mental illness that was getting worse and wanted to help me, but now I wonder if she just thought I was "going through a phase" or something.
I think I'm gonna finally take the referral the doctor's always been giving me for a psychiatrist no matter what she tells me. I don't have a car, because I can't afford one, and frankly, I don't need one. My college gives me a pass with unlimited bus and train rides. That has stopped me from going to a lot of places, but I think I really need this.
At the very least though, I am making, real, tangible progress. I upped my dosage, I got a psychiatrist referral, and I've been reading and loving that book on mindfulness that I've been recommending all over this sub (which the mods tell me is okay to post about! It's called "The Art of Power" by Thich Naht Hanh.). I'm going along the road to recovery, and if I can do it, all of you can do it, too. I know it.
I wish you all to have a wonderful, peaceful day. This is a very bad issue we're all dealing with, but I have faith we can get through it and have that wonderful, and peaceful, and happy day someday.
|
self.Anxiety
|
If you get the flu or a cold, don't stop taking your regular medicine. When your mind is foggy from being sick, and all you want to do is take a bunch of NyQuil and sleep, time will get away from you. More time has passed than you think. Stick to your medicine schedule. When you are throwing up and nauseated it can be different to get yourself to take your meds, but you simply must do it. You don't want a relapse.
Last time I caught a bug I stopped taking my meds. It was just for a few days but it took a few weeks to get back to where I was before.
Get up. Right now. Go take your meds.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My life is Spiralling and I need help. Hello People of Reddit, My name is Josh, I am a teenage Male from Perth, Australia.
\\LONG POST AHEAD\\
Ever Since I started my years of high school, my life has plummeted ever since. In March of 2016, I was Diagnosed with Severe Depression and saw a Counsellor Weekly for 7 - 8 months. At the start of Counselling it took me a very long time to open up, as I hadn't gone there willingly my parents had made me go, becuase my Grades dropped and my attitude shifted from a kind, Happy Child to a Sad, Explosive monster. This all happened to what I made sense of, waswhen a Girl who I met and talked to and eventually hooked up with for a little bit and was really into me (or what I thought) and who I myself was really into, was getting in the way of my Work and that, and I said we should end things for a while (We had only been going out for 3 - 4 weeks). She then pleaded with me not to do it becuase her Dad was abusive and she had depression etc. This crushed me at first, and I got in contact with her Step Sister at the time. Turns out she was using me the entire time to make her Ex Jealous. When I asked her she Was extremely abusive towards me, and drove me into the ground. That was around February of 2016. This was the start.
One of my Close Friends to this day, went through a phase throughout the entirety of 2016 where he Was extremely Self Centred and literally put me down to make himself feel better. every day, he would say that he was better than me, more attractive etc. (BTW he is extremely Flamboyant) this went on for several months and destroyed all self esteem I had left. I refrained from going out and taking my shirt off in the changing rooms, becuase I was now extremely Self Concious of myself. This was another extremely important part of my story.
So from the start of 2016 to the end, All of my self esteem was gone, I was less Confident in myself and I now Hated myself completely. Counselling had helped me depression, but not my grades. I was dropped in most of my extension classes at the end of the year. This severely angered my parents and they really started to push me at the start of 2017. But it was too much for me too deal with, the stress built up and after multiple attempts asking them to stop being so abusive about how important my grades were. I Snapped about 4 weeks in on a Thursday night. I attempted to hang myself, I guess to my stupidity the rope wasn't strong enough and snapped under my weight. My parents realising what they had done sent me back for more counselling. This is where things are Hazy for me, so the timeline will have major gaps in it.
I drifted through alot of 2017, My grades were still bad and my friends took the piss out of me all the time, becuase I reacted badly. This made the way I reacted more and more voilent, although I never hit any of my friends it affected the way I talked to my parents.
I started to throw and punch things to take out my anger, I destroyed about $400 dollars worth of Damage to my house, this caused my parents to, I guess Fight fire with fire. Both my mum and dad started to hit me constantly. Which led me to respond worse and worse every time. I started to see myself as a monster and led to more and more and Demise for myself. I started to talk to my counselor again and right before the end of my 2017 school year my life was looking alot better. That was all until some kid in my year made up some rumour that I was gay and had a crush on this kid, who didn't go to our school anymore.
Now this sounds really childish, I brushed off the remarks at first but then more and more people started saying it and they did it to attack me and made me react badly. This is where I started to react physically. I ended up Hitting 2 kids. The first guy didn't know what the rumour was and someone else told him to say it, the second guy purposely said it. But the third time really pushed me. It was a Friday afternoon I had Rowing training which I rocked up too 5 minutes late, the entire Rowing squad had already started doing there warm up laps and were on the final stretch to finishing when I started this was when someone in the crowd made everyone else start chanting the rumour, My anger overtook me and thank fuck I walked away otherwise I would have really hurt someone, this was when school ended and my summer holidays started.
I told myself that I was going to make an effort to be healthy etc and go out more, but my parents were really abusive towards me in what I wanted to do and limited everything I had, they said I could only have technology use for 2 hours a day and would take my phone everyday at 9:00 PM. They continued to take more and more stuff away, this angered me more and more. And made me really sad. My entire summer break I ate like a pig got fat and only went out once in 7 weeks with a friend. At the start of my 2018 school year I was lonely, I felt severly unloved, and hated myself. This leads up to today.
Everyday I fall asleep, I wish to not wake up in the morning, Every time I see myself in the mirror I want to Just curl up and never go in public, Everyday I feel nothing but sadness. I haven't felt Pure Love and Happiness in Years, even from my parents. I know my parents love me but they haven't shown it in any way. I don't know where my life is heading or what am I going to do. The thing I long for the most is love. I just want to be with someone that can love and hold me forever, that is the point I am at now. I want to leave my house and my parents and start somewhere fresh, but it's unrealistic for me, I can't leave the country legally without Guardian permission and I have no money and I am unemployed.
All I want to do is tell my story and seek help from a broader community of people who have gone through or are going through the same pain as me. I am weak and vulnerable and at a low point in my life and have been for years.
|
self.depression
|
very vivid and intense dreams? is this a depression thing? is this a medication thing? (i'm on lamictal, lexapro and seroquel).
i noticed that my dreams are very intense and vivid and i remember them with much more detail than before, also I wake up a lot more in the middle of the night.
|
self.depression
|
im so stressed i feel like an attention seeker because i always want to talk about my problems. i hope i can see a therapist really soon to get professional help.
i treated my friends unfairly. i apologized and i thought they accepted it. i promised them i would better myself. but two of them pretty much don't want to be friends anymore. i don't think i could ever forgive myself for it.
i dont have any irl friends. i havent had any since my 1st year of high school. i don't know how to properly make friends.
i'm moving out of my house soon and i don't even know if people in the state will like me. i was going to hang with someone who doesn't want to be my friend anymore. i feel guilty for hoping i could mend the friendship.
i feel lonely. i don't have any kind of support group. i feel like im doing everything wrong all the time. the rest of my friends cant stand me. 2018 is either going to be the best year of my life or the worst.
this is extremely whiny & im sorry.
|
self.offmychest
|
Not Fit for Relationship After the last break-up, I decided I'm gonna stay away from all relationships with other human being because I'm not mentally fit to be in a healthy one. But I sometimes miss being in a relationship... Small things like... Venting my problems, comforting him after a tiring day, our rare snuggling moments, cooking together, just random talk about silliest conspiracies theories, nerdy sciencey stuffs that most other couples probably find it weird...
So... Right now, I'm holding on but how realistic is it to plan to live the rest of my life without those things? I.n.W.... Single and happy people of depression kingdom, what's the trick???..
.
|
self.depression
|
Completely alone. Not only am I actually completely alone right now physically, I feel completely alone all the time. Even when I’m around people. All I want to do is sleep, but I can’t do that, because god forbid I take some time for me. And NOW is a good time to discuss Christmas, Mother? When you KNOW what I have on my plate right now...you’ve seen what I have on my plate right now.
Fuck this. Fuck her. Fuck all of it. I want to go to sleep and wake up on Thursday.
|
self.offmychest
|
Why can't I tell her I want to tell my best friend that shit that's going through my head, I want to tell her how I think about killing myself every night, how I feel like no one likes me, how I think about jumping infront of trucks and how I nearly keep opening up to my friend but I can't trust him for shit. When ever I can't tell my best friend this I feel like there's someone else I can tell, but there isn't. I feel empty, I feel angry, I feel so many fucking things I just want to die.
|
self.depression
|
I don't think I can save my marriage. REPOST - Removed the Rule 2 violation, self-censored the words, and added quotes around it for context as it was said towards me or what was said.
I am not sure how everything came to me needing to write that title out. Warning: this is going to be a long read.
My wife and I have been together for over half a decade. We really have a lot of fun together, we explore the world, both far, wide, and near. We enjoy many of the same types of activities, but have different enough variations on said activities that both of us can be exposed to new and exciting things.
I trust her more than I've ever trusted anyone else. She knows more about me, my fears, worries, concerns, than even my best of friends - and those are some strong relationships. She's been my rock through a lot of rough times, and I've conversely been hers. We have experienced deaths of family and friends, personal illness, cancer scares, job loss for both of us. We've moved together several times, and across the country. We've been lost in the middle of another country together.
To say this succinctly - I've experienced more ups and downs, good and bad, highs and lows, with her by my side than with anyone else.
All this said, we've had a somewhat rocky relationship. We dated hard, heavy, and fast very early in our relationship, and leaned in hard to the honeymoon period to the point where it was (looking back) a pretty unhealthy relationship. We said I love you pretty early, but if I'm being honest, I think we were just in lust and hadn't quite moved into love yet. We also started fighting quite a bit.
It's now I think I should mention that my wife has depression and some pretty severe anxiety that sometimes can result in panic attacks. It's a terrible, terrible thing, and I've learned so much about this disease and how it affects individuals, couples, and those caught in the depression aura. Depression is separate from the person. She only told and showed me she has depression that should require medication and therapy after we moved to our second apartment. That said, she doesn't take any medication, and it takes forever for her to go see a therapist, and then claims it isn't working and stops seeing them.
I also have had some anger issues mainly on the yelling side. I don't get physical - never have, never will - and I am really careful to not name call. If I do, I know it's bad. If it's bad, I can be really mean.
Thankfully, I have gotten help and support in the form of therapy at her suggestion, over the last several years and I truly believe I am a better person for it. I am calmer, own my influence, try to take time outs, all the good things - I am also not perfect.
Throughout the course of our relationship both her depression and my anger would be at odds. I had a lot of work to do on myself, and I think I can look back at where I was and where I am today, and say with confidence that I have come a long way, and definitely see our conflicts differently.
She has not. She is unable to accept influence in our conflicts, and any time I've asked for help with the work I'm doing in therapy i.e. reading this book with me, going over this worksheet, talking through what WE can do vs just ME - she claims that this isn't her problem and she shouldn't have to do anything to help it get better.
What I've learned through my therapy and talking about our relationship is that my wife exhibits some gaslighting type of behavior, and it seems like she has done this for a long time without me really being able to see it. I've only been able to see this as I've gotten to the root of how I impact our conflicts. I've read about unfair behaviors, and the four horseman and understand the Gottman research.
Far and away, she continually exhibits behaviors that are relationship enders. I can't talk to her about them either, because again, I'm the only one with the problem.
The last month or two I have been coming to the conclusion that I don't know if I can save my marriage, and that it's a matter of time before it get there - it may be here. Now.
I'm at a loss.
My therapist, and of the 3 I've had she's my favorite and has helped a lot, told me that we need couple's therapy. She said this because she believes that I have made improvements on myself to the point where I need my wife's help to continue making them, and that my wife needs to help herself see where I'm coming from (as well as start getting some help herself). I can say with confidence, I have really made an effort to be better. For myself, and for her. I can say with integrity that I can do the things I need to, to keep myself calm in 95% of the conflicts I get into. Again, I am not perfect.
I think my wife's depression contributes to our fighting, to our conflicts, to how we resolve them, but her behavior goes above and beyond just the depression affecting things and into abuse. My therapist used that word, and while it's tough to admit, I think I am being emotionally abused.
She's told me that I am going no where and that my career is worthless. She's said really awful things about most of my family members (granted, sometimes certain family members have been giant assholes). I've been called just about every name you can think of in the book and then some. She's insulted my confidence as a male. I get blamed for things that I don't do, or do, that don't have any material impact on her. I've been told that I don't love her because I didn't want to do the things she wants to do. She throws a small fit if I don't want to watch her TV shows with her because they're not appealing to me, and I'd rather play video games, even if 90% of the time I'm happy to watch with her. I get guilt tripped if I don't to be seated next to her 100% of the time we are at home (although recently, that has changed for the better in recent times).
Around the house, I take care of the trash, our pets, 90% of the dishes, 75% of the cooking. I make breakfast every single day for both of us (assuming we have the time). If I ask her to help, she'll help for a short period of time, then stops. I make most of her phone calls and appointments for her. I handle all our mail and package receiving needs. If we run out of paper towels, toilet paper, soap, etc. - it's on me to notice and to get refills. If something runs out, SHE gets mad at ME because I didn't refill it. I have to vacuum and sweep otherwise she won't.
Now for my part? I can be grumpy about doing these things. I can sigh and make a face, and be short about her requests. I can stew on these feelings and eventually I erupt and we fight. I allow this to happen, and don't, can't, or don't know how, to fix it. Sometimes she also has very reasonable requests that I am stubborn about. I can definitely be selfish, and stomp around.
I've come to the realization that I actually don't mind doing a lot of these things around the house and in our lives. I get some satisfaction from taking care of my wife, and I am a people pleaser in general. What I don't feel I get is reciprocal appreciation for all the things that I do. I don't want much, but some surprise appreciation or acknowledgment of doing a lot of the invisible things would go such a long way. What I am unable to do is draw a line in the sand and not do something, or ask for help consistently. My wife has the ability to walk over me sometimes, and I am unable to help myself.
However in the last 12 hours, I've been called, "dumb, a piece of shit, an asshole, a r****d." I've been told I don't care about anyone but myself. I've been told I don't worry about my wife and "How could I have the audacity to say I'm in a bad mood, when she had an awful day?" I...it's too much.
On the last thing, she admittedly had something really terrible happen yesterday that hit her depression button, but with ALL THE ABOVE on my mind, I was also in a bad mood and expressed the fact I was in a bad mood to her. I got it together in 5 minutes in the bathroom, however, and focused on her.
I wound up sleeping on the couch. Again.
This morning we fought in a way that brought out my anger again. I called her a "(C)See U Next Tuesday". I yelled. I refused to do things.
I also immediately apologized for calling her a name, told her that was incredibly inappropriate and I'm appalled I said that. I told that I can't believe that came out and that I'm sorry three times already today. I'm really very embarrassed that I did this. I have used this word one other time about 4 or 5 years ago directed towards her, and I cannot believe it came out. This is not normal and I am very alarmed.
I acted like an awful person this morning. I am also close to the end of my rope...and I feel like it's a pretty long rope.
Anyone reading this only hears my side, and I get that everyone has a different perspective on events, but I know that I have the power to own my part and accept influence of my own actions, and to the best of my ability, explain these types of events as they actually occurred. My wife and I are two flawed individuals, who have tried to make a marriage work. Both of us have been to therapists to help, and have tried to improve our relationship, conflict skills, resolution tactics, but I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel for us.
I honestly don't know if I am going to continue trying to repair my marriage. Tonight, I believe I will be staying in a hotel because of everything that has transpired. This is the first time this has happened, and I want it to be the last - either because we're getting back on track, or it will be my active choice because we are separating.
I've written a lot here. I hope someone takes the time to read through this. If someone has any comments, I'd love to hear them, words of support, whatever. Other than my therapist, I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this.
This has definitely been therapeutic. Thanks for reading.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel so lost. My girlfriend is gone and not talking to me. I posted this is r/bipolarSOs but figured I’d try here too.
We are in our late 20’s, been together for a few years, and have a daughter together. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but has mostly been figured out. It’s been rough I’m not going to lie. It all took a new turn about 3 months ago when she tried to kill herself and ended up in psychiatric hospital for a week and got diagnosed with bipolar 2. She gets meds and a counselor and is sent on her way.
Once she got out she explained to me that she needs a break from being a mother and we thought it was best for her to stay with her dad for a while to work on herself. It was all fine for a few weeks until I noticed inconsistency’s with her stories and come to find out she had been hanging out with friends getting drunk and using cocaine. I mean I get it she’s taking a break from being a mom I guess but not really working on her mental health or herself. It seemed like she was just taking steps backwards and it was causing a lot of fights between us.
She broke down and said she didn’t want that life anymore (she’s said this before several times and made changes). So she moved out of her dads to live with her mom because she could get away with less there?
Some background:
Her dad is very caring but tough and by the book. He’s also an alcoholic. When he tries to help her it more or less pushes her away. Which I guess is why she would go out every night.
Her mom is also very caring and gives her space but keeps an eye on her. Her mom doesn’t really think she’s bipolar and thinks she should get a second opinion. Her mom will more or less help her make “right” choices but not really push her.
I talk with her dad and he suspected she was doing some drugs and was going to drug test her but she moved out before that happened. So I go talk with her mom to see where she’s at in understanding what’s going on (drug use, alcohol abuse, etc). Her mom knows and is shocked and will keep an eye on her. Everything sounds good and maybe we can get back on track to helping her with her mental health again.
More or less nothing changes. She still goes out and believing her mother when she says she’s probably not bipolar so she stops taking her medication and doesn’t find a therapist to get new stuff. It’s hard to get her to want to come around to see her daughter for more than a couple hours here n there. We are just fighting more and more. I’m terrified what will happen to us so maybe I smothered her or didn’t give her enough attention or didn’t say the right things.
It’s been 3 weeks since we last talked which ended in a fight and I put my foot down and said I don’t deserve to be treated like this. Basically I have been her punching bag. She blocked me on everything and I suspect she’s seeing some guy. I’m lost.
Does this get better? She has only been diagnosed a couple months ago and I’m not sure if she’s taking her meds. Is this an episode? How long do episodes last?
|
self.bipolar
|
What if What if I feel like I can't do it anymore? I hate feeling like this, I have a responsibility to my son to survive but I'm getting tired.
|
self.depression
|
I'm stuck in a mental stalemate. I met my first girlfriend in high school, and I fell hard. She was smart, confident, gutsy, and the first person I felt comfortable talking about my kinks. She did not do anything half-assed, everything she touched she put her energy into. We were both in tech and had startup dreams. She had to run away from an abusive parent, and ended up staying at my place for a time. I thought we had a genuine connection. But she kept comparing me to her other ex, saying that he left her with high standards. Then she started college and first week she dumps me for a startup hotshot, saying she was tired of waiting for me to improve myself.
So college came around for me, and I hyped myself up. I was going to work hard, play hard, and have a bunch of sex and meet my next girlfriend and future wife. I was going to meet my cofounder and start a cool company. But none of that really happened. Mechanical engineering was tough and ate up most of my socializing/free time. I was in a new city where I knew zero people. I fell into a rut and dropped out.
Additionally, I started thinking my current friends and family were boring, and I started distancing myself from them. In retrospect I was too harsh judging them; nevertheless I still feel disconnected from them.
I know It’s bad to not compare myself to her, but my imagination still runs wild. I cut out Facebook, Twitter, and blocked her out of my life, but I still cannot stop comparing myself to her. She is smart and got an internship for a big tech company right into college, and was getting featured in the local paper. She got invited to tech events and parties.
It’s been three years and my self esteem never recovered. I feel I’ve let myself down, not finding a girlfriend and screwing up with engineering. Online dating/hookups didn’t work. The sexual frustration sucks. I don’t want to waste away my twenties being single. I thought about hurting myself, but after sleeping on it I realize that will do no good.
I’m in a mental stalemate: I’ve cut her out of my life, but I still have low self esteem. I see-saw in between being whiny about myself, and angrily wanting to punch every couple in the street. I’ve tried three different therapists to little improvement, and my mopey-ness is straining my relationship with my dad.
Things are getting better at a glacial pace, but that feeling of failure still clouts my mind. I’ve binged many articles/videos (DFW, Alan Watts, School of Life, etc.), started going to sleep earlier, and started journaling. However, the feeling of failure still affects my day-to-day where I can barely keep my job. I still get discouraged on even the most minor of challenges.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I’m becoming depressed because of money. I haven’t gone to see a shrink yet but I feel like I need to. Everyday I feel miserable about my family being poor. We’re not even THAT poor. But it’s more like I wish we were rich. Being poor sucks. I feel ashamed everyday because of our poverty. It really sucks when you’re surrounded by rich people. We have rich relatives. I have rich friends. I have rich classmates because I’m in law school and I can’t help but compare my life to theirs. They have cars and always have nice and new clothes.
It doesn’t help that I live in a place where there’s serious income inequality and people are status-conscious. It really eats me up and I wish I was born into a life of privilege.
I can’t even enjoy anything anymore because I’m always thinking about money every single minute.
|
self.depression
|
Sleep meds help me fall asleep, but I wake up 3 hours later [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
3rd Wheel or Just Insecure? Okay so I have two really close friends. I love them very much but as of late I’ve noticed they aren’t as social with me as usual. One of my friends hasn’t answered my texts in almost a week and I think she’s going through something. She does go through these periods of “off-the-grid” behavior and I really respect that but it’s making me anxious and I feel like I’ve done something wrong. She tells my other close friend but doesn’t tell me really anything. I was just wondering if I’m overreacting or I genuinely have an issue on my hands
|
self.Anxiety
|
Trying to be her friend I am trying very hard to maintain a friendship with my friend who is bipolar. It's very frustrating because sometimes she's very friendly and like now, just totally absent from my life. It's not like there's any obvious mood swing that's apparent to me either, so it might not be related to her bipolar illness. Prior to her seeking treatment in a psych hospital, we were pretty close. Once she got out, things between us were not still good. About a week or so later, she's extremely aloof. I'm dealing with a lot in my own life because of grief. I am trying to be a good friend to her, but I'm getting frustrated with this. I'm her only friend, who was there for her everyday while she was hospitalized. I just sense this self-centered and I need some feedback from this sub.
|
self.bipolar
|
I’m sick, anxious and I don’t know what to do! On the last couple of days, I've started feeling a little bit unwell physically and had small quantities of blood coming out of my nose and from my mouth mixed with saliva, I went to the doctor and I have made some exams.
The doctor had the results today and he said that maybe the lab mixed up my samples with someone else's because the report had detected a really dangerous bacteria on my system that kills within days, and he was just shaking his head, saying that the result couldn't be real and I've had to retake the exam again. It will take two days until it's available. What makes me everything worse for me is that I already have problems with anxiety and panic attacks and right now I can't stop thinking about it, what if the results are actually right? what are the chances of mixing up samples? that's unlikely, isn 't it? Maybe we are just wasting time waiting for the results and should do something else, I feel as if my body was shaking all the time and I'm also feeling weak but I don't know anymore if those are real symptoms or anxiety, I can't tell them apart now. I know that the doctor probably knows what he's doing right now, after all, he's a doctor but what if he's wrong? My mind can't really function properly when I'm anxious. I'm just so scared.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm suicidal because I have unrealistic goals that are impossible to meet My main goal is to create a video game. This is about as insane as it sounds for a poor guy in a Midwest small town, but it's the only thing I really care about. It consumes my thoughts for most of every day and I've wasted countless hours writing the game's story and drawing. I feel like I'm out of touch with reality. Occasionally I socialize with someone and start to realize the extent of my insanity for a while, and it fills me with despair. The project is far too large and impossible. My current lifestyle is unsustainable and I have no friends. I'd rather just check out and kill myself than continue my current "9-5" or any similar life without big goals. I don't know how to get passionate about things that are actually doable. It's always huge projects like writing a novel that waste a lot of time and turn out in disappointment. I should just kill myself to rid the world of an over weight mentally ill millennial.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
welp. I discovered last week that I got into a top-choice college. It was amazing! I'd gone on a string of rejections for a while, and was really beginning to doubt myself, but to see myself get into THIS particular school... it was a euphoric feeling, to say the least.
But then I got the financial aid package.
I've pretty much accepted that I won't be attending this school. But it's a gut-punch. All of this work, and even more continual work to raise the funds, and it still won't be enough. I'll admit, I spent three days straight crying over this. It's all been for nothing. I've asked anyone if there's any sort of way short of a miracle to raise the money I need, but there really isn't. It's as if everything I've been doing these past few years of my life were just four years that I was pursuing the wrong thing.
It's just... I know this is extreme, but I've just lost a will to live. I HAVE grappled with suicidal ideation before, but never has it felt this intense before. They come and go in waves, so to speak, and usually in very stressful situations for me. I've always been able to work through it. I just get the feeling this is going to be a longer wave than usual.
Special thanks for reading my vent. I do believe I will be able to get through this as well, but at the same time I wish I'd just been rejected altogether from the school rather than accepted and unable to afford it. I'd probably have been able to move on easier, considering that this was my final decision following a string of rejections.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How I got Over suicide in 1 day Idk if this will help you hopefully it will but look
Imma dude who loved this girl yet she doesn't like me I've loved her since 5th grade I'm a senior now and still am madly in love with her well when i was a junior i told her "I love you" she told me to stop joking "Plz reply seriously" i told her she didn't reply I told her i was done with life i showed her, her name carved into my wrist (Kimberly btw) and so i even showed her my note and said I'm done so I had the pills b4 I overdosed she called me crying and sobbing begging me not to do it and that to stop cutting and to rip my suicide note Thats when it hit me this girl who barely even knows me is crying for me just because of a suicide threat then how would it hurt my loved ones if i actually did it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Wtf do non-depressed people do all day? A lot of the trouble I have is I've been down so bad for so long I don't even know what to do with myself and I start ruminating and feeling shitty. I can't keep myself frantically busy all day obviously, but the moment I stop my brain takes off into bad territory and digs up bad stuff.
Help?
|
self.depression
|
Never felt depression like this In high school I was depressed. I cried myself to sleep every night and wished I would die over my meaningless woes. I am now 25 and 2017 was the happiest year of my life, but the past week I have been completely unmotivated. I do not want to die, but I have lost all desire to live. I search for joy and find fleeting moments. The love that is right in front of me feels like a far away flame. I watch the days pass me by and sleep seems to be the only thing I enjoy.
|
self.depression
|
Advice for seeing a man with bipolar disorder? Hey all! I do not suffer from bipolar disorder myself, but I am seeing someone who is, and I was hoping if anyone can offer me some advice. He was diagnosed a very long while ago (he’s now 30) and he takes medication and he says that he’s been better now than before but I still have some questions because of my own anxiety.
Throughout the summer (when we met) to November we talked all day, everyday, and we were extremely open and sweet to each other. He would tell me how much I already meant to him, and how he accepts all of me. However, about halfway through November he kind of started to pull away. We texted significantly less, and when I texted first he would straight up tell me he ignored it, or I got a one word response. He became very quiet and somewhat cold and unaffectionate to me which I was not used to as he is usually the opposite. If I brought up the lack of affection/friendliness he would chuckle and call me dramatic when I just want to be there for him. I would hint that I thought he was getting tired of me and I would get the same response. So during this time I think he was in a depressive episode.
Fast forward about a month, he seems much more happy. More affectionate, warm, just more himself, and he insisted he was not getting sick of me, and that it just “comes with the rollercoaster up and downs,” so I was reassured.
However, now he’s back to where he was in November, more quiet, somewhat cold to me, etc... and I just want to reach out but I don’t know how. He doesn’t communicate with me about it and it makes my anxiety spiral out of control because I’ve assumed he lost interest when he may just be depressed. It only hurts more when I know he does talk to someone else about it, an ex, because “she gets it,” but I’m always left with questions and just general worry about him. It hurts to be shut out by someone you care about but I don’t know what steps to take when I do not have the illness myself, and I don’t want to be smothering him if I already feel like he’s pushing me away.
I don’t even know if this makes a whole lot of sense, I just feel insecure and lost with what I’m supposed to do to be there for him. I see him again in the morning and I’ll try and reach out but it’s hard when your relationship isn’t set in stone as well, we aren’t exactly exclusive but we do everything actual couples do, we just aren’t ready for a large emotional commitment and we’ve understood that being casual and seeing what happens is what’s best for us. He also used to tell me he had a lot of romantic feelings for me and would like to date me, but now I don’t hear that. He means a lot to me already, I just don’t know how to be there for him. Thanks to anyone who offers advice on how to help ♥️
|
self.bipolar
|
Am I a really evil person? Hey everyone!
So two weeks ago me and my girlfriend started dating (it's a long distance relationship btw we're in different parts of the same country)and I have depression and social anxiety and anxiety attacks and I have no self-esteem :( but anyway everything started great and a few days ago I fucked up (like I always do) so we played a video game together and I got angry and I said to her something among the lines of:"you're just like everyone else! Laughing at me when I am crying"(she also has depression and sucidal thoughts,and she has been betrayed,laughed at,abused by people she loved)and she got really sad when I said it to her and she said it's the worst thing someone has ever said to her...and since than she is acting very unloving to me: laughing at me,putting me down,refusing to talk to me, victimizing herself every time I try to talk to her about how I feel...and last night o was very sad and depressed and I wanted to die,I asked her:"on a scale of one to ten how evil am i?" She said 8...idk what to do...I am not a person who hurts people! I am the one person who loves helping them with stuff like this! I don't know why I become such an idiot :( and I tried to stop I am trying but I can't I feel like she has s talking all of my power,time,and I I just want to die right now...(I am really sorry for the long post btw)
|
self.offmychest
|
I need advice on how to help a friend [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Not one person on Earth chose to be here... [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I feel too stupid to get and maintain a job I have never had a 'real' job before. I did work from home for a few months but I have no idea what it is like in an office-type environment. I always think that I will screw up something and get fired. I think my mind operates slower than others. Even in classrooms, I can't answer questions when I'm called on because I either blank or I never know the answer (despite reading the material the day before). I have a hard time remembering things. Even my dad has commented on my horrible memory. I was always that quiet one in the group who never contributes to the conversation because I have nothing to say. I don't know how people do it. I have met some really articulate people and am always jealous of them. All of this contributes to my depression and the fact that I am alone and not independent when I should be by now. I really hate myself.
|
self.depression
|
Have anyone decided not to have children to cut the bad gene? My entire family lines have kinda bad genes.
Dad's line-Alcoholic, cold and cruel, nearly anti-social, don't have many family/kin members who went to college or keep constant jobs, anger problem, chronic incurable skin problems.
Mom's line-shockingly vain, childish, more anger problem, self-centered, I'll mention childish and vain again, and mentally unstable, chronic incurable many health problems.
Well, you wanna hear about my brother, who inherited most bad sides of my family lines?
He is now nearly schizophrenic, never worked at all, play games all the time, dropped out of college, is usually coward but cruel to weaker ones, extremely selfish, ask other family members to earn money for him, threatened our parents to give him more money, he only eats and wears luxury things, when we stopped giving him those things he threw crazy fit like 3 year old.....No I haven't seen any 3 year old that aggressive and selfish.
I'll stop here. I haven't started even 30% of badmouthing my brother, but the list is too long.
I have inherited some bad genes too, though I tried really hard to control myself, I succeeded at hearing that I'm a good person most times. (But my inside is mess)
But I know who I am. I know about my family, I know about my gene. My dad's entire family line is dead-beat alcoholics or failures(including me).
Mom's gene might be a bit better. But she is very nasty woman. I don't wanna pass that traits to any future children, or at least I'm scared I'd act like my mom.
So I decided I won't get married, won't have any children. I gotta cut bad genes here.
My brother is already seriously crazy, it's guaranteed that no one would want him. Good for him and for the human race.
Anyone else feel like me?
Actually I think I'm doing favor to the world. At least I'm trying unlike some people who just pop kids to abuse or even kill their own children.
|
self.depression
|
I miss you. It's been almost a year. I miss you so much. I guess a lot more than you miss me. I took up smoking here and there because it reminds me of how you always smelled of cigarettes, I could always taste the smoke when we would kiss. I miss talking to you about random crap, about our goals and dreams places we would go, things we wanted to do. I miss just sitting in my bed with you and feeling on top of the world, like nothing was ever going to tear me down.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't the bad boy you wanted. I still remember the confusion I felt when you told me that I was too innocent for you. I'm sorry your friends hated me. I'm sorry you saw my emotions. I'm sorry you saw me cry. I wish I'd never trusted You, maybe I'd still be able to see you then.
In the last year I've grown a bit. I'm stronger now, at Least that's what I tell myself. I'm working on a new career. I've changed my Look, I'm more your type now.
Your friends have started dropping hints to me, always makes me feel like I just swallowed some poison because they only remind me of you. I still dream about You, though sometimes it's a nightmare. Some of the things you said to me still haunt me.
I miss You, but hopefully someday I won't.
|
self.offmychest
|
DAE Have Trouble Falling Asleep Due to Exploding Head Syndrome? If you're unfamiliar with what this is, it's similar to that phenomenon when you're about to fall asleep only you're jolted awake because you have a quick dream that you're falling. Only with Exploding Head Syndrome it's purely auditory. Some people hear phantom things like bombs going off or crashing noises right as they are falling to sleep but then it causes them to suddenly be jolted awake. For me, I mostly hear noises like something has fallen to the floor, almost like the sound of someone dropping a stack of books. But recently it's morphed into phantom dog barking. I do have a dog so this one is concerning because I keep thinking it's her barking but it has been proven NOT to be her. Anyway, this has been happening almost every night for quite some time now and I have the hardest time falling back asleep for fear that it will happen again or the noises that I thought were hallucinations are indeed real (i.e. I start to have anxiety that someone's in my house or that my dog is indeed barking and needs me to let her outside) so I lie awake for sometimes hours just trying to figure out what happened.
Anyway, does anyone else experience this? Have you found any remedies to help reduce the occurrences?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anyone smile when they see a picture of the North Korean dictator? [removed]
|
self.depression
|
something to numb me Resolved! now that i'm in a clear state of mind i realize wasting time on drugs is wack, i should fix what makes me feel this way, not stick an addictive bandaid over it!
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Two months ago I finally admitted to myself that I need a therapist. If only I didn't have so much anxiety, then I would be able to call him/her. The thought of calling there to get an appointment scares me much more than the thought of actually being there and talking to him/her. Something about serious phonecalls just freaks me out.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Never had problems with anxiety/panic until I got cholera When I was younger, I never really had any problems with anxiety or panic. If a situation was truly stressful or if I was truly in danger, than sure, some anxiety would come up. But nothing close to what I would now identify as a panic attack or anything.
Fast forward to when I was ~18. Got cholera (really shitty stomach illness) that lasted for about a week or so. After that, it was like I was a totally different person. Anxiety and panic attacks then became a regular part of my life. What happened to me?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I wish you stopped acting surprised when I say I don’t like Christmas and I wish you stopped trying to convince me I’m wrong I’m sorry I don’t like Christmas like you do, I’m sorry I’m bringing you down by saying I don’t particularly like it, but I’m not sorry enough to try and enjoy it anyway because “oh come on, it’s the best time of the year!”. “Oh but you can’t be serious, there’s gifts, and family!”.
My relatives can’t stand each other, my parents can’t stand each other, and I can’t stand them either. On Christmas morning I woke up just like any other day, with my parents screaming at each other. This morning was no different. Tomorrow won’t be different, it hasn’t been in over a decade. Family means hate, and people screaming and fighting over the tiniest stupid things, and if Christmas means family, I don’t want anything to do with it. I just want you to stop telling me to shut up and enjoy it. I’m not angry at you, but sometimes I wish you’d try and understand.
|
self.offmychest
|
Back to depression again After being depressed for a year, I had two months of hypomania and enjoyed it so much. Everything went so much better, had self esteem, enjoyed being alive, also got a hot girlfriend after being single and depressed for 3 years.
Now after 2 months, I am back to the familiar depression... how much I missed it /s.
I’m sleeping like 10-13 hours a night, have difficulty starting the day, feel like nothing has any meaning in life as I will die anyway.
I usually self medicate with drugs when depressed to escape from this inescapable suffering.
I do not want to fall back to drugs again! I’ve been clean the whole manic phase with ease. I drank a lot of energy drinks in the morning and drank 2 beers in the evening though to level out the mania and make it stronger.
Now when depressed, If I fall back to illicit drugs again I would not be able to control it and would use overly too much ( usually 3 grams of weed every night after work)
I take antidepressants (cymbalta 60mg) and tegretol (3X200 mg) since years. I always tell my psychiatrist that it does not help and I want something else to take. She does not think I have a huge problem.
I want the suffering to end but am afraid to kill myself. I also do not want to take illicit drugs. What left than? Suffering?
Anyone who went through the same, please share your feelings about it. I appreciate.
|
self.bipolar
|
My boss made a joke about bipolar disorder (rant) I haven't and won't be disclosing my diagnosis at work. Yesterday my boss was talking about someone outside of our company and how volatile that person's demeanor is and how he "must be bipolar or something."
Just a bummer... I always feel like bipolar is a deep dark secret that no one can find out. I work in a professional field where intelligence and ability to work under pressure are critical. Perceived instability would almost certainly prevent me from advancing. It's stressful to always be pretending not to be struggling. I know a lot of others are in the same boat.
I would love to say I don't need this job or I could go somewhere else, but the stigma is real and I'm almost positive this would be an issue anywhere...
|
self.bipolar
|
"If you ever need someone to talk I'm here for you" I am too scared to talk to anyone first so how do I make myself able to message people first if I need someone to talk to.
|
self.Anxiety
|
how do i not look so annoyed and serious all of the time? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Keep on fighting. Hey guys, been lurking here for awhile. Just a bit of my history, bp2, have been diagnosed for 15 years now. My life has been up and down bad and good as far back as my memories allow. I've lost my marriage, my kids, my house and my car. But I've been working hard and have not given up. I just bought myself a used truck today and I can't tell you how good this accomplishment feels to me. It's such a little thing but it's a step in the right direction. I hope that if your reading this and have been down in the dumps or in a similar situation that you realize that it's just temporary. And don't be lazy about trying to better your lives. Care for yourselves and keep striving to better yourself. I know how hard it is. We have to fight twice as hard as everyone else. My point is, keep your chin up people. Things will move on, things will improve. Even if it's small it's still in the right direction. I wish you all a great day and great luck.
|
self.bipolar
|
Are these breakthrough hallucinations? When I was manic last year I'd see words written on any surface that was even vaguely textured. Words, sentences, shit that made sense, shit that didn't, to the point where I'd have to close my eyes a few minutes at a time to avoid them.
Now I will occasionally (once a week or so?) see words in the carpet or wall. Last word I saw was "delete". Just the word delete. I have no manic or psychotic symptoms otherwise. Not even depressed or anxious really.
Overactive imagination? Hallucinations? What gives? Schizoaffective? I didn't see words anywhere even if tried for several months.
Currently my antipsychotic is 6mg Vraylar.
|
self.bipolar
|
The only thing that stops me from ending it is the fear of not being able to successfully kill myself
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
It does get better, but for how long? Hello my fellow melancholy souls. It has been awhile since I have posted here. Just need to write some thoughts down to relieve some emotional pressure. If I hadn't deleted all of my post history (shame, mostly), you would see that I used to be quite a troubled young man. You would see constant internal conflicts through high school and bouts of suicidal behavior at the beginning of college. Why am I so quiet/boring? Why don't any hobbies interest me? Why am I so tired all the time? This is how it started. I could tell I was going to have it rough when these thoughts first entered my head in high school. I always felt defective, like I was wired differently than everyone else. I just didn't understand how everyone was so in-the-moment, involved, and happy. It always felt like a chore. The majority of high school was spent sitting in my room at home watching Netflix and jacking off. It was near the end of high school when hormones really hit full force and the feeling of loneliness was overwhelming.
Then college happened. I was on my own for the first time, and I could be whoever I chose to be. This was the most excitement I had felt in a long time. However, this feeling was fleeting, and I quickly fell back into the same habits that left me lonely and depressed before. Do things really change? Why doesn't anyone like me? Would anyone really cared if I died? My freshman and sophomore years of college, I entertained the idea of suicide while my peers were building themselves emotionally, mentally, physically. It was a foundation that I never got to lay. It got so bad my sophomore year that I attempted suicide. I took a belt into the closet, tied it to the clothes pole, looped it around my neck, and kicked the stool out from under me. The belt snapped before I had a chance to contemplate my life. Granted the belt was old and dingy, but I took it as a sign and have not attempted since. To this day, I have not told anyone I know about my suicide attempt.
After this point, things actually started looking up. I landed an internship that paid well and got to take some time off school to focus on work. It was during this time when I met my current girlfriend who I am still very much in love with. She seemed to be the answer to one of my biggest problems, loneliness. I started working out, eating better, and actually having some respect for myself. 2015 was without a doubt the best year of my life. When I had to leave from my internship, we agreed to make long distance work. In 2016, everything seemed fine. I got some more experience at work and my relationship with my girlfriend grew stronger and deeper. But did she really know me? I never let her know of the pain I felt, but at this point, I thought I was finally done with depression. Why tell her about something that doesn't affect me anymore?
Since then, depression has crept back into my life and has consumed me for the past few months. What hurts the most is to see the respect and excitement that she had for me slowly diminish as she discovers what I really am. I am angry, jealous, vindictive, childish, and pathetic. Right now, I have a great job lined up after college that will essentially secure my future if I play it right. But I also doubt my competence. No one that I know has faith in me or my abilities, so why should I? How I am I going to fuck up and get myself fired? I am such a incompetent, broken man, and it is only a matter of time until they see that.
I honestly don't know if I will survive this wave of depression. At least in the past I was consoled by the thought that I had time to 'grow out of it'. Now I am starting to think that 'it' is just who I am. Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.
|
self.depression
|
Is it possible to switch to mania for a couple hours? Last night, while becoming stressed out at something that is quite triggering, I felt like I couldn't breathe or sit. I decided to cook myself something and straighten up my kitchen to keep me busy, except it was midnight. I was blasting myself in my headphones to keep me from thinking. My husband said he could hear the music from across the apartment, and that I was moving crazy fast and that it was making him nervous. I wasn't breathing normally. He had to grab me and hug me to keep me still.
Is this mania? Or is this something else?
|
self.bipolar
|
so tired from anxiety I hate being scared to be in a car. I'm so sick of it. My family lives 3 1/2 hours away and I dread every holiday because the thought of riding shotgun makes my anxiety skyrocket. I can't even enjoy spending time with them because I'm thinking about the ride home the entire time. I'm so tired of no one understanding and telling me it's all in my head. I'm sick of impulsively googling car accidents and seeing all the crazy freak accidents that happen. I'm just physically exhausted from the constant worrying and dreading the next time I have to get in a car. I used to run the roads as a teenager, not giving a single fuck. Weaving in and out of traffic, speeding, everything. I just don't understand what happened.
|
self.offmychest
|
... I am aware
That I am an asshole
I really don't care
About all of that though
I've got nothing to prove
But honestly I'm just like you
I got a bad case of A.D.D.
I been this way since 17
I got a fucked up brain and a really bad attitude
And I blame it on my drug abuse
So you don't wanna be too close to me
Cause you might see my broken heart
I am aware
That I am an asshole
I really don't care
About all of that though
I'm living my life
The way that I want to
You can't deny
That honestly I'm just like you
I've been so lonely for the longest time
They tell me that I'm such a lovable guy (yeah right)
Could it be because I'm off my meds?
Or could it just be something I said?
I'm always stuck with some bad luck
I'm just a boy who's angry at his mom
I hope in fact she breaks her back
The moment I step on this crack
Don't tell me I'm not worth it
cause you are far from perfect
I am aware
That you are all assholes
Who the hell cares about all of that though
I am aware
That I am an asshole
I really don't care
About all of that though
I'm living my life
The way that I want to
You can't deny
That honestly I'm just like you
|
self.offmychest
|
Just ranting. It fucking annoys me when I tell someone I’m depressed and they say “why.” Like, when someone tells you they have the fucking flu do you ask why? How are people so dumb about mental illness?
I have people who say “yeah, I was depressed before,” and I’m like “what did you do” and they say it just went away. Seriously? You just woke up and it was fucking gone? Poof?
Everyone always has their golden fix for me too. My mom tells me to drink lemon water. My dad says “stop worrying so much.” My coworker says “meditate.” Exercise. Volunteer. Quit your job and go do what you love (which is what, exactly?).
I try so, so, so hard to not be depressed. But if I’m not pushing myself 120% to stop it, it comes back, and I’m back to square one. And I can’t, I just can’t keep doing it. It’s just like pushing a rock up a mountain with no peak.
My favorite are the people who say “you need to let go. Just let go of the past.” These are the people that post dumbass quotes on Facebook and Instagram who haven’t experienced a day of depression in their lives. Let go of WHAT? What does that even fucking mean? I ask these people to go into detail, and they don’t. They act like a fucking monk, and just say, “You just have to let go.”
All of those people can go fuck themselves.
|
self.depression
|
I failed my suicide attempt I tried to hang myself but I was saved by my mom. :(
|
self.depression
|
Watching The Dark Tower is making me depressed. but i cant quit...
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm a burden to everyone. The title kind of explains itself, but I feel like my issues burden everyone else and I'm being looked down on for talking. I try to bottle everything up then my friends get upset at me, but I feel like talking to them is worse. I feel like they hate me. I'm not happy that I'm screwed up and I just wish I were able to get over all of the crap in my life so I can stop bothering them. I feel like I need to get my life together before I can involve my friends. I want to be a good friend and I don't think I'm being a good friend by talking about anything that's bothering me. No one likes a negative person, much less someone like me. I feel like my issues are normal for everyone and I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill. I'm sick of myself.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I[m 19] am just fed up with my life I have started to type and then deleted at least 10 times now because of the pure fact I can hardly articulate how I am feeling. I feel so wound up into a tight ball and I am ready to explode.
To start my best friend went through his first real heartbreak, I've been helping him through it but then I realize he cheated on her. At least twice. The best part is I just got out of a relationship where I was cheated on and now I have to hear him out? Im hurting every day still. I can't do it anymore but he doesn't have anybody else to talk to. I've never had anybody to talk to. It's not like he's been there for me. My girlfriend cheated on me and then after we broke up played me twice (my stupidness but still) he wasn't there. He knows I go to therapy every week for depression but doesn't care. He just throws them all on to me like I'm his therapist.
This week I cried for the first time in my teenage/adult life. After weeks and weeks of my therapist trying to break through when I got back to my room I had nobody there to comfort me. Nobody to call. I just cried alone. I am always there for everybody but the same people I help don’t even give me the time of day when it isn’t about their problems. It's so funny because my best friend/roommate texts me "this breakup is really hard on me you might have to stay up with me at night so i don't have my anxiety attacks" I told him I just want to sleep he gets all upset saying he needs somebody there. He literally has never done a thing for me he sits in the fucking room day in and day out and play xbox. I want to cry more as much as it makes me feel better, it makes me feel lonelier too. And to be honest I don't know how to cry. This was spontaneous.
My ex who did play me 2 times (one being within a week and a half) by playing with the thought of us trying again getting my hopes up, out of no where tells me she is now dating the guy she cheated on me with, and the reason she told is because she wants us to be "friends" and be "closer" and even talked about us getting back together some day. Do I live on a shelf. I can just be put up in storage when somebody gets bored? I think about the whole thing non stop. Makes me even feel even more worthless in this world than I already do.
My parents don't believe in depression, and I am going to snap dealing with depression and putting 100% in school at all times. My free therapy sessions at school are coming to an end and I don't know what I am going to do.
It just sucks to feel that I have no place in this world and nobody in my corner but yet I am being elected to fight other people. Constantly fixing other people's problems and sorting things out but yet I am a walking around with a whole in my chest and a time bomb in my head. I am so tired of putting on a fake smile and going about my business I cannot do it anymore.
If you read this whole thing you are already better than 90% of my friends and some family. I thank you so much and I apologize if it didn’t make sense.
tl;dr: I (who was cheated on) am now helping my best friend who was dumped by his girlfriend go through their breakup when he cheated on and she has no clue. Depression is kicking my butt, my ex is still playing with my emotions and I just want to cry but have literally nobody. I have no place in the world.
|
self.offmychest
|
Concussion inducing intense depression? I'm really at a loss for words, and I really don't know where I'm going with this. I suppose I figured reading anecdotes similar to my situation would put me at ease, and this point, any interaction will be satisfying to say the least.
I suffered a concussion 2 months ago, on Oct. 15, and I feel like the person I was died that day. I went from being a 4.0 Honors student at a competitive school to failing all my classes, and along with that, I'll probably lose some scholarships, as well. I don't go out anymore. Every conversation feels like I'm walking on eggshells. I have no motivation to do anything -- sleep is my chief relief from this constant state of pain. Wallowing in depression is the only comfort I find anymore -- like these emotions are the only thing that makes me feel real. I've never suffered from depression before. I've never once contemplated doing harm to myself. I don't know what has happened to me. Can someone fall to pieces so quickly?
I've been to a neurologist, who gave me the antidepressant amitriptyline, which I stopped taking after it made me completely hostile after sleeping for almost 18 hours a day. I've not visited a therapist yet. Would this be a wise course of action? Has anyone else ever experienced a situation like this, and, if so, how did you claw your way out of it? Did medication help? Admittedly, I did stop taking the medication about halfway through... does it not work unless you take it consistently?
Tomorrow is the last day of classes, but I have Incompletes that give me until before the next semester to complete my work.
I'm just rambling at this point. I've been a lurker on Reddit forever, and I've made an account solely to ask this question. Any anecdotes will be appreciated.
Thank you for reading this.
|
self.depression
|
Has anyone else ever used alcohol to self medicate? I have recently realized that my use of alcohol might be related to my anxiety. I am not taking and medications, and I do not drink to get drunk. I drink a few beers daily to take the edge off of life and help calm my nerves. It also helps me sleep. I realize this is an unhealthy habit, but I was just wondering if it tends to help others as well.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Do any of you believe in a god? If so, how? Not trying to be a dick or argue. I want to believe but it always comes back to "if there is a god, why am I like this?". Share your spiritual journeys with me
|
self.bipolar
|
I feel so hopeless lately. I feel so hopeless lately. Like I’m trying to climb out of a hole but getting nowhere. Just clawing desperately at the walls unable to gain any ground. Instead, the darkness at the centre just pulls me down deeper and deeper. I’m so far down now that the light, the warmth of happiness that came with it feels more like a fantasy than a memory.
All I have left is distraction and obsession. During the day it’s mostly okay, the screaming cries of the suicidal darkness are drowned out by the noise of the city. The sound of the telly, the colours of the computer screen and the dancing of the animated people in my beloved games. Then the night comes.
I’m supposed to sleep but I can’t. The city sleeps and becomes quiet, the telly turns off and it’s just me with the darkness clawing at my throat, my wrists. Begging me to cut them open and bleed out all the pain running through my veins. To accept that life is pain and misery and that death is peace and respite. I try to close my eyes and ignore it but I can’t. It’s so loud. So convincing. I can feel the nails of that darkness clawing at my wrists trying to tear them open.
Life is hopeless. Good people have lost and the corrupt and evil have won. The rich climb higher on the bodies of the good and poor. They destroy the weak, batter the queer, crush the people of colour. We’re farmers with wooden pitchforks against a modern army. We’re already dead.
Let’s just accept it and drain the agony from our veins.
|
self.depression
|
Reddit I cant do it I cant keep living like this
I cant change myself
I am not made for this world
The world is fuel of darkness
But I can only live in light
People made me the way I am right now
The have broken me
I tried to fix myself but i cant
Im helpless
Nobody can help me
Ive tried everything
Everything
Suicidal thoughts coming back
When I though they finally left
Is it worth living in this world
Were I cannot even be myself
O wait, I can be myself
But then I have to go through all the hate
Im not accepted in this world
Im not like the others
Say 1 wrong thing to me and I will brake
Im a big guy thats fragile
Sometimes I think death is better then this hell
Reddit,
I cant do it
Help
|
self.depression
|
How to find peace within myself before CTB? I am thirty-one years old, unemployed, single, no skills or talents, detached, unable to relate to anyone or anything, totally apathetic and detached. Long history of depression, anxiety, homicidal and suicidal ideation. I'm nowhere near as bad off as many other people, including people I know. However, I feel broken, like something in my head needs to be fixed in order to make any kind of progress. It's a lost cause. Every day I wake up leads to another night where I wish I'd just killed myself during the day.
I really want to die. But I feel a lot of anger and rage and it takes a lot of effort to get past that and towards actually killing myself. Contrary to what anyone else would say I have no desire to harm another human. And I'm not interested in starting over because my mistakes would follow me everywhere I go and thered be plenty of people that would make sure of it. So we all want the same thing:me dead.
So How do I forgive myself and others so that ending my life can be a peaceful decison? How can I be comfortable with the decision that I'm making? Is anyone else experiencing this dilemma?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
"Don't drive that way or I'll take away your car insurance." I don't know why my mom said that. She could do that any day she wanted to. At any given moment, she could take away my car insurance, my car, my place to live. Everything.
I want to ask her why she doesn't. Or why she makes that threat in the first place. Why doesn't she take away everything? She always looks at me with such disdain and disappointment. What value or potential does she see in such a worthless person? And if any value was there, why would she threaten to take the rest of it away?
The reminders of how I control nothing in my own life really just throw me into a pit of despair. Because it's true. Painfully so. If she wants to take it all away, I'd let her honestly. I don't really want to live as much as she wants me to at this point.
Sometimes, I can convince myself that my own delusions of worthlessness are the result of my anxiety. But when your parents say it implicitly or explicitly, it's like a nightmare becoming real. And that makes me feel like giving up.
|
self.depression
|
I've just started medication for the first time, and I just feel so emotionally dulled...does anyone have shared experiences/advice? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Louis CK is a disgusting piece of shit and the people defending his actions can go fuck themselves.
|
self.offmychest
|
Anyone else looking up stuff about depression and anxiety on the internet to convince themselves they're actually sick enough to not go to school/work/etc. ? i'd like to think i haventt made up my mind yet but who am i fooling i'm not going to class today
|
self.depression
|
I rarely ever have the motivation/energy/focus/concentration/attention span to type or post on here. But since I'm on a stim, and have a bit of energy and concentration, Does anyone wana hear a sob story? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
So I'm meeting with a therapist today for the first time [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else have the inability to cry? Like sometimes i get these random urges to cry.. but I'm unable to?????? And i used to cry to those 'sad' videos on yt but now i feel nothing.. I have talked about this to one of my doctors but they said nothing to it
|
self.depression
|
Anxiety that makes you feel sick, makes your stomach cramp and makes it hard to breathe, all while feeling like life is too much to cope with Does anybody else experience this kind of anxiety? I went through a very difficult breakup earlier in the year and had to block every part of my ex out of my life. I was going through some of my old photos and posts on Facebook, and on one of them there was a comment from my ex which somehow wasn’t hidden from me despite my ex being blocked. All I could see was the thumbnail of his photo but that was enough to make my anxiety soar through the roof. Immediately I got stomach cramps and felt extremely sick with my test tightening and making it harder to breathe. I just wanted to cry and give up with life. I don’t know how to cope with feeling like this because when it’s bad, it’s really really bad. I still feel extremely low now, and it concerns me such a small trigger like that can send me into a mini meltdown.
Please tell me someone understands how I feel...
|
self.Anxiety
|
I just got treated for OCD, anxiety, and depression in a residential facility for over 3 months. Now I feel much better
The experience has changed me. I went in feeling like life wasn't worth living and I was always caught up in my head. Now I'm motivated and feeling much better. Depression is beatable. Life is worth living and getting treatment helped me understand that.
|
self.depression
|
Pins and needles when having an panic attacks? Had plenty of panic attacks so far in life but never had pins and needle all over my body at the same time before. Is it normal? Kinda scared.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My life is a mess and Jesus Christ I despise myself. 22, M.
I don't really know what to say here. I literally just made this reddit account to specifically post here because it's the only place I feel comfortable talking about how I'm feeling. I kept putting it off because I was scared of what people would say but I know that's ridiculous. I don't even know, I'm a mess and a lot of this might be rambling so comment if you want to I guess. This is a long post so it doesn't matter to me. But I appreciate those who reply, as that's the point of posting here on reddit.
Anyway, I'm a dime a dozen; I'm not special, my life isn't held to a higher degree than anyone else. I feel like I deserve to be at the lowest point of everything. I don't deserve happiness or praise, or blah blah blah. Same old sob story. I'm a pathetic ungrateful piece of shit.
I've been reading posts on here and similar subreddits for a little while now and I can say without a doubt that there are people out there whose lives are the definition of a living hell. Unbelievable accounts of pain and sadness. It's disgusting and makes me so upset reading them. I wish the best for these people and I hope that they find peace, rather it be through suicide or through getting help and starting on the path towards loving themselves.
However, all this just makes me feel even worse about myself. My life is not hard. I am at college studying to become a nurse, my grades are alright - I'm working hard to do this. I believe I have found my calling. I have friends and family who care, and a house that is warm to go to at the end of the day. All these positives but yet, I still hate myself. Always have. Always will. Even more so that I know that my circumstances compared to others is laughable. There is no way FUCKING WAY that I should be feeling this way; I don't deserve to even think that my life is hard, not to mention talk about how I am feeling. Again, I am an ungrateful, piece of filth and it's a big FUCK YOU to anyone truly suffering. And that thought, combined with my already destroyed sense of self really makes me loathe myself even more.
I've never loved myself. I always try and find some way throughout the day to degrade myself. Listening to the radio driving to clinical, brushing my teeth in the morning, walking to class seeing a happy couple walk by, etc etc. I know that this is unhealthy and in the past, I always bottled up everything inside. I knew even then that there were other people out there worse than me so it's not fair for me to think these things so I should just block them out entirely. This sort of worked, but honestly it just made everything worse.
This isn't my anyone's fault why I'm like this. For example, my family. Sure they were strict, especially my father, but I've always been extra hard on myself for no specific reason. Always. Plus I know they love me and will support me. I just find it difficult to do the same to myself. It's almost like everything I do is sub-par and I'm not good enough. This pushes me to work harder to prove to myself that I AM good enough. But no, and then the cycle repeats and I just keep getting angrier and more and more sad that I can never meet any of my expectations.
It got to the point last summer that when I was at home and no one was home with me, I woke up, walked over to the small gun safe in my parent's closet tucked behind my dad's coats, pulled out his gun, and held it to my head. I sat on the floor for over an hour, not saying a word. My hands were shaking but I'm sure I just had a blank expression on my face. I remember myself thinking "do it bitch!" and other voices telling me not to. That it would, for one, make a horrible mess in my parent's room and scar them for life when they came home. I couldn't do that to my family. Never ever. I thought about taking the gun and driving to a park nearby and doing it there. But the same image of my crying family and friends kept creeping into my head. Needless to say, after my fantasizing I unloaded the gun, put the rounds back in their box, and locked the gun back in the safe. I haven't taken it out since, probably because I'm at college, but I think about it all the time. I remember doing research into this concept called an "Exit Bag" that certain medical professionals use for patients with terminal illnesses and other similar issues. It's basically a CPAP mask connected to an inert gas like helium that fools the brain into thinking you're breathing oxygen. This doesn't active the choking reflex as if you were breathing carbon monoxide from car exhaust. Combine this with a sleeping pill and you die a peaceful death. All of the components are available to buy online or in stores and I could be dead in my apartment next week if I wanted to.
This current semester, I finally caved and decided to tell the first person in my life about my feelings - my roommate who I've been living with for a couple years and we are close. Again, I am not the one to say how I am feeling. I feel like being a man is about being the rock; we are supposed to be cool and calm and collected during stress. And I try to be (hence why I really want to give ER nursing a crack). But anyway, I told my roommate how I was feeling. How I've always felt. And he was shocked (duh) and frightened (duh again). What did I expect? That he would be cool with this? Seeing how he reacted, I could NEVER say this to my family. Ever. I do not want them to worry - their lives would most certainly change and I DO NOT want to be a bigger burden on them already.
Anyway, talking to my roommate felt ok. I still feel an enormous amount of shame and guilt and embarrassment telling him though. It basically admits that I have a problem. I'm a freak; I'm a mess, and I'm a mistake.
When school started, and after I explained to him that this was something I wanted to solve on my own (no medications, no family, no one else knowing my problems) we both went to the counseling center on campus. I've been seeing group therapy for a few weeks now (Jesus, therapy. I sound like I'm fucking psychotic) and I don't know how I feel about it. I decided to share with the few others in the room my story and they all freaked out even more than my roommate. Cue the embarrassment and shame and guilt and disgust within myself. After group that day, one of the women leading group puled me aside and asked me how I felt. I told her that I felt even worse after saying that and she got kind of mad at me. Like I was broken or something. I don't know, I said I would go back to group but it's been a week and I still haven't gone back. I'm afraid to face the others in there. I know I'm going to get rejected and shunned (obviously not to my face but everyone will be thinking it - "oh look, it's Trevor. What a poor sad little shit smear.").
Anyway, now I'm here. Congratulations if you've made it this far. As of now, I think about killing myself everyday like usual. Do I have plans to do it anytime soon? I'm not sure. I have set a date for myself however. Once I turn 25 (I'm 22 now) I'm going to kill myself if I don't see a change in how I'm feeling.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What is this feeling!? Hello,
I just set up a new account so that I can post here. That's how pathetic and ebarassed of my person I am. I've been struggling with depression for 2,5 years now and read dozens of posts here throughout last year and responses were really cheerful. It took me a lot to give it a shot. I just need to vent. I don't want to force you to reed any further if you don't want to. I even strongly advise you to abort.
Anyway, I've never been to a specialist, because I'm afraid to. How do I set it up? I don't want my parents to know. I don't want to let them down (btw I'm 21yo student).
And the thing I feel is disgusting. I don't even know what kind of feeling is this! It blends with sadness, agony, coldness and helplessness. I don't know what is it. When it all started I thought it will pass! I'm so scared. I don't want to harm myself. I've never really wanted to, but considering that the way I feel is becoming more and more terryfing and crippling I became afraid of myself.
I'm afraid of every day. I can fall asleep with "ok" mood and wake up with tears in my eyes and vice versa. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I will eventualy post here my story some day, but I'm just not ready yet. I feel so devastated, helpless and I want this unspecified feeling to end so bad.
I don't know what I want to achieve by posting this. I'm really, really scared. What is this feeling? Why does it continue for so long!?
To anyone who managed to read it thus far; sory for wasting your time.
PS.: I'm sory for the text above is so chaotic, I just wrote down what came to my mind. And also English is not my native language so forgive me my mistakes.
|
self.depression
|
So what do I do know while bf is hypomanic? Just sit and wait till he calms down ? How long does hypomania last?
|
self.bipolar
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.