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little pity party I don't want to be bipolar anymore. I don't want to be on meds. It's not fair that some people are able to just exist with a stable mood & appropriately reactive ups & downs. It's not fair & it makes me feel angry sometimes. I don't want anymore med changes. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way.
I am depressed. I am whiny. I am pathetic. My sincere apologies. I'm actually in the process of a med change to try & get stable. I'm just feeling really sad & angry right now. I don't want to live this way.
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self.bipolar
|
"It has to be done" I'm feeling really down on myself lately to the point that my SO is basically doing everything around the house. My SO also has depression so I ask him how he keeps going, how he keeps doing things. He just says something along the lines of "someone has to do it/ it has to be done".
My parents both have depression but when I try to explain what I'm going through I get something like, "how can you just not do anything? I don't understand... It has to be done."
I understand. But how? How do I do it? How do I make myself do it? Sometimes I feel like I'm faking it anf I'm just lazy because if all these people can do things because "it has to be done" then why can't I?
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self.depression
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I’m breaking off a friendship today and it’s killing me. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I feel talentless whenever someone shows off their skills, and then I feel worthless for the rest of the day. ^ Title
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self.depression
|
My friend is a sex offender. Yep.
Just like it says in the title. I found out this afternoon.
14 years of friendship and then boom. I am sent a link to news about his arrest. The details surrounding his arrest and the things he's done make me sick to my stomach.
He's one of the few people outside of my parents who know about my molestation as a child. He knew... And yet he still did what he did.
Threw away his life and every friendship he has.
I'm so angry but conflictingly sad for him.
One question that's keeps coming to mind is...why?
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self.offmychest
|
Just a quick tip that has helped me I'm not saying this is a cure-all no anything close to that though.
I noticed when I'm in my most anxious moments my body posture follows. My shoulders are hunched up and I make myself as small and compact as possible.
But if I make a consciencous effort to relax my posture. Shoulders down in a natural position and I spread out a little more and I take a deep breath and tell myself that I can't control the world around me, I can only control how I react to it.
I've found that controling my posture helps a great deal with how confidant I react.
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self.Anxiety
|
I hate Thanksgiving Being forced to fake-socialize and make small talk with relatives and family friends. All of the "how have you been?!" and "what's new with you??" questions just make me want to blow my brains out. I have no energy to even pretend to put on a friendly facade or to smile. I hate forced interactions.
Thanksgiving always seems to make my depression and anxiety so much worse. I'm hiding in a bedroom for as much of it as I can.
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self.depression
|
Things I want to know. How can I began to trust people? Its come to my attention that I should give people a chance. I havent been in a serious relationship in about 1 year and some change. I just dont want to get close to anyone at this point. 50 % of all people cheat, I hate that fact. I dont want anyone to do that to me. Ive convinced myself that relationships are not worth the mental exhaustion. I meet a new person and I think they are interesting, suddenly I start to think about all the fucked up shit that they are capable of and I immediately shut off any efforts of trying to start a relationship. Some would say that I lost hope in people, and they would be correct.
Also I think that most people are complete idiots and cant control their emotions. For example when I was a junior in HS I had a really massive crush and this beautiful, shy, nerdy girl. I tried to start a relationship with her because I actually found her interesting. The problem was that she seemed to gravitate towards broken guys, guys that would treat her badly because thats the experience they had with their other partners. I took her out on a date, everything was great (in my mind at least). I walk her to her house and I kiss her. Next morning she is apologizing for leading me on. Confused me didnt know how to react so I just didnt answer her. I come to find out that she went back to her ex( I never liked him, he was lazy and didnt appreciate what he had with her). Anyways I stopped talking to her completely. It turns out that she got pregnant by this guy during senior year. She literally ruined her life for someone who could never give her what she deserved.
I see that type of thing happen a lot too, from close friends to crying strangers on the streets. They say that you dont choose who you love, I think thats bullshit though. Can someone help me understand? or should just accept the fact that Im probably going to stay single until I find someone who I really connect with?
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self.offmychest
|
Losing passion for life. Like, I don't really know what I'm hoping to accomplish by posting and whining about shit. Maybe I just want someone to listen? I don't know, man.
So, I'm a 28 and married - our relationship is good. I'm an incredibly reclusive person these days. Sure, I'm an introvert, but I've always loved the outside world - nature, specifically. The breath of fresh air that you cannot get in the city. I don't have any kids, unless you count our dog and couple cats.
I work as a paramedic while attending school for social work. There's nothing really 'wrong' with my life. Everything is good.
Except I don't go outside anymore. I don't have the motivation to explore, anymore. I pull myself back from others and have no actual friends because of this. I'm a great 'in the moment' friend, but I won't make any effort to keep contact.
Everyone I encounter behaves as though they want me to be their therapist. Which is cool, that's fine. I'm generally pretty quiet and remain chill and nonjudgmental in the face of well, everything. People open up to me easy and want to talk to me all the time, and I know that's because I listen, and I'm damn good at it.
Even though I like to be alone, I like doing things - making things. I love creating music and art. I love jumping into action. I love the adrenaline that comes with my job; but sometimes that's the only time I actually feel alive, anymore. When I'm in these situations where someones life is literally depending on me, I feel alive. Like I have purpose.
I don't know.
I have absolutely no passion for life anymore. I'm not depressed - well, I do have depression, but it's controlled with wellbutrin and zoloft. That's all good. I just feel very bored and stagnant. Like, I don't have any inspiration or passion for anything.
Sometimes I think my job has killed it for me. It's as if I've gotten so used to tragedy and the 'ugly' side of human life that I've been desensitized to it all, and nothing really affects me anymore. Not saying I'm some heartless shithead, or whatever. Just. I don't know, man.
I think I'm burned out. On EMS? Yes. On life? Maybe.
It kind of feels like 'been there, done that' for me, these days.
I have this normal life now, and nothing happens. Nothing. I don't like drama and I'm not alluding to wanting it - I want my passion back. I just want to feel alive again.
I don't think I was ever meant to live a 'normal' suburban life.
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self.offmychest
|
Falling back into the hole Was feeling really good for a while. Then I looked at my bank account and realized that I'm fucking stuck. On top of that, I'm sitting in my old high school for my sibling's performance, and all of my insecurities, bad memories, and missed opportunities have come flooding back. I feel so fucking hopeless and pathetic right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What is the best way to help someone suffering from an anxiety attack if they aren’t listening to you? My sister suffers from anxiety and I often need to help her. Giving her space doesn’t help. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
|
self.Anxiety
|
"Will you just stop talking?" Kind of just a rant post, because I don't have friends to talk to and I'm just in such a failure rut that I can't bottle it up. I'm such a failure. One of those fails-at-everything people. For fucks sake I'm 24 and I'm living with my sister because she and her fiance knew I was going nowhere in my old town. I've been here 3 months. I moved here because there was supposed to be more work, and I have only gotten a single callback and interview.... but they didn't even bother calling me after to tell me I didn't get the job. I've never had a boyfriend, I haven't had friends since highschool and even then they were only my friends until my family ran out of money to buy them shit. I also never finished highschool, because an ex-friend who couldn't get any more money from me had me bullied out by all my other friends and their friends. Everything just fucking sucks. I hate myself at all times but I try to generally cover it up by making jokes and making people laugh. Sometimes I don't realize that I'm talking a lot but evidently it's common. After another day of my two "roommates" working and me applying for jobs and generally just being useless, we all sat down, watched some tv, and ordered pizza. I was trying to ask my sister something before they left and she just whirled on me and said "oh my god will you just stop talking for once in your life?"
It's kind of just a breaking point for me currently. They're both, understandably, angry that I'm a useless piece of shit, and I wish I could just move back home, but the way I left my old job there would be no going back, and it's a retirement town so there's no chance working elsewhere unless you know somebody. I am so sick of being a burden on everyone and obviously being annoying as fuck on top of it. I'm tired of being so lonely that I feel like there's a brick in my chest all the time. I'm not going to kill myself, because I'm too much of a coward, but I just wish there was a way for me to disappear forever, since it's obvious it wouldn't make much of a difference in anyone's life. I just want to disappear and have no one remember I was ever alive. I'm so tired of being here. I just want everyone else to be happy.
|
self.depression
|
Anxiety issues in a new relationship - missing work Hey guys, thanks for taking the time to read this. I've posted in relationships but I guess what's going on with me didn't quite convey to anyone.
So last year I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder whilst dating my ex girlfriend, this relationship ended particularly badly and I've been single since January of this year. I met this girl through work (different offices) and we both made it very clear we like each other, and have been on two dates since. During this time we have had the 'exlcusive' conversation, which is great.
Now the past week, anxiety has hit harder than it's ever hit before. I'm checking snapchat scores, social media activitiy, last active etc which i know is already grounds for unhealthy relationships. The problem is when we were together, and whilst we were texting chat its absolutely perfect until the past week. The texts are shorter, my messages are being ignored (she's online but not reading my message) for hours on end, there's no good night / good morning message, it's all very limited and short.
I've tried to challenge her on it as a means of settling my anxiety but this was met with a touch of hostility, in that 'yes everything is fine, i don't need to be in constant communication with you,' but I'm just so concerned that she's pulling away or losing interest and its all falling out of my hands. I'm confident I've fallen in love with this girl and as my previous relationship ended so badly and my anxiety spiralled out of control, I'm thoroughly scared of this happening again. Today for the first time I couldn't go to work or leave the safety of my bed because my anxiety issues were so bad.
Do you have any idea how I can control this, how can I continue in this relationship without sabotaging this relationship? The anxiety is eating me up inside and it's affecting my work, my health and my friendships. I really do need any help you could give me.
Quite frankly I feel like I'm on the to of a very slippery slope and I'm not sure how to avoid spiralling out of control.
|
self.Anxiety
|
There must be a reason so many people say “bad times don’t last”, and “it’s always darkest before the dawn”, stuff like that [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Question: does anyone get anxious when your SO talks about their favorite movies or songs? Title says it all. There’s so much to this, but this problem has affected me severely for years and I’ve never had an answer because I’ve never seen anyone else with this problem. For example, when my SO talks about their favorite movies (especially ones involving sexy for some reason) or songs, I get super anxious for some reason and it feels horrible. And the thought of my SO being attracted to one of her favorite actors or musicians disgusts me and makes me want to vomit
Also, I’m concerned about what to do. She says she isn’t attracted to anyone but me, but I find it hard to believe. What do I do? Do I just not say anything and suck it up? The feeling is so disgusting and I have never found a way to beat it.
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self.Anxiety
|
All my passions and interests have just sort of flaked. I’m just bouncing around reddit now trying to find something to care about. Everyone seems to have that one thing where they’re like “I always wish I could’ve done X thing, but never did”. I don’t even feel like I lack in motivation, I just really don’t have anything I’d want to do with my time outside of college.
And now it’s not even just with life goals, it’s hobbies to; I’ll just sit on my Xbox home screen and look at the games, not even being able to get myself to play anything, even when I do it’s just me going through the motions. I’ve actually put myself into situations and tried stuff as well but none of it sticks. I hate this and it’s not helping the suicide thing much when I have no meaning or aim. I want something to aspire towards, something where I feel like I couldn’t do it unless I absolutely applied myself towards but there’s just nothing anymore. Any help would be lovely, thanks.
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self.depression
|
25M trying to cope with being forever alone I just want to start this off by addressing all the obvious stuff that will inevitably show up in the comments.
I am already seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.
I’m 6’3” and in great shape
I am not some Buster Bluth sad sack, I’m just being vulnerable on the internet. In real life I’ve confided in friends who were completely surprised by my struggles letting me know that my facade works and no one really knows me.
I’m not some incel that thinks women are only attracted to money or whatever - but my lack of success on the job front has definitely hurt my confidence.
I have plenty of friends and just last night was told by several people that they’re jealous of my life (I was brave and moved across the country and got into cool stuff like rock climbing, marathon running and the such. Still shows just how little people know me.) I’ve just never felt like anyone ever really liked me.
Okay so here’s my pathetic life story for anyone who is interested.
9 years old diagnosed with bipolar, parents immediately pull me aside and tell me to never confide that in anyone. I’ll never forget my dad’s words “depression is very tough to deal with. Friends, girlfriends or wives won’t put up with it because there’s nothing so great about you that they can’t get anywhere else.” Immediately spend my whole life trying to be great enough where I can afford to be vulnerable.
15 finally find a girl who likes me despite all the odds. I confess something personal and soon everyone at high school knew. But it didn’t matter because:
One of my best friends committed suicide a week later. Hung himself from the shitty treehouse we built when we were 9. Spent his last days freezing and starving in the woods less than 1000 feet from my house. Come home from school to see the paramedics taking his body away. Get told by my dad that god has a plan for everyone so I shouldn’t be sad about his death. Also get told to suck it up because I wasn’t even the most traumatized and there are plenty of people who deserve to feel worse. Within a few months 2 more friends at my high school commit suicide (it was a very small school). It comes out over the summer that a friend from childhood/school was raped by everyone’s favorite teacher. He commits suicide and the story briefly made national news. I go from being valedictorian to college liability super fast. It’s a miracle I made it in at all.
So now we’re in college where there’s girls and alcohol everywhere. Everyone is casually hooking up but me. There’s a girl who is interested in me but I later find out she has a boyfriend and I’m just the guy she turns to for easy validation. There are other girls but for whatever reason it never works out (the reasons mostly being that I don’t know how to talk to girls I like or get close to anyone without revealing how fucked up my teen years were.) so I keep everyone at arms length. It’s easier that way.
I had probably my best chance with this girl MC but she was blacked out and vomiting and just confessing all the horrible shit that happened to her and I realized I didn’t like her/that would be rape. Even though she’s kept telling me to sack up and fuck her but she also couldn’t sit up straight. I don’t feel bad about passing up an opportunity to rape a girl.
Finally meet a girl who begs me to open up and I do. Instantly see her facial expression change and realize my dad was right about confiding in people. A few weeks (over winter break) later she stands me up. Sends me a text on how she can’t be with a guy who has bipolar or any kind of mental illness. 3 week’s later I find out via Facebook she’s dating some 5 foot tall guy. Ask her why she didn’t tell me the truth but she insists the two were unrelated. “Even if it was just you I would have passed. Nothing personal” what’s more personal than that?
So now I’ve graduated but soon find out that being lower class with a 3.9 is less than valuable than coming from money and having a 1.9. Struggle to land a full time job and still living at home, across the street from where my friend died. You have no idea how tough that is. Finally move across the country. Get a few dates but nothing progresses past a second date. Quickly realize that relationships are like jobs and no one wants to give you experience without a proven track record. Hear some of my female friends talk about sex one time and it pretty much confirms that.
All of this leads to last night. Chatting with some girl at a New Years party. Things are going okay until my friend, the guy hosting the party, kicks me out so he can fuck that girl. Seriously shoved me out of the way and started making out with her. I walked home in the freezing cold and just accepted I will never be that guy. Maybe I could have been but I missed I don’t even know how many opportunities and life happened. I always read about how women can pick up on vibes and lack of confidence or whatever so I just assume there’s something wrong with me but I’m so stuck in my own head I haven’t figured it out. Like I stepped in invisible dogshit and I’m the only one who can’t tell.
So have at it. Tell me about how it’s all perspective and I haven’t really “missed out” on anything important. Or tell me I’m 25 and a lot can happen in life. Or whatever bullshit platitude you can think of. Or don’t. Tell me I’m pathetic or whatever you want. Tell me I have an unrealistic expectation of relationships or that I need to work on myself or some other shit. I've heard them all and know by now they're all just the polite way of saying "you're pathetic. stop being pathetic and people will like you".
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self.offmychest
|
There's nothing anyone can say to stop me now. My endless loop of jealousy, self-loathing and desire to talk to friends and be myself, yet having social anxiety and wanting to isolate myself so no one has to deal with me... it's too painful for me, and no one can stop me from killing myself in January. Everyone needs to stop forcing me to stay. So what happens if I stay? I'll still be in constant pain. What happens if I kill myself? Nothing. Absolutely nothing; they'll survive. They all have other friends they can lean on; in fact, they prefer them over me. So what if I kill myself? Everyone who just says they care really don't. They'd be happy to be rid of me, and I'll be happy to oblige.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How to deal with shame from behavior and reputation damage? For a few months, I have embarrased myself on social media and it is a site where they won't let you delete and idk how, nobody will help.. it's one of the feel hyper, relaxed that moment but the shame after looking back.. another thing is twitter, I have no computer and nobody will delete it for me... advice on that and advice on how to deal with the shame too.. I want a new start with society
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self.Anxiety
|
My own worst enemy I don't know how to be a friend, yet at the same time I'm whining that no-one is there for me.
Why do I even pay a phone bill? I always have to reach out, No one checks up on me. But I only contact them when I have a personal problem. Not to be there for them.
I'm a manipulative, selfish dickhead with no empathy.
I wish I could be alone but I want everyone to love me.
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self.bipolar
|
I just bought my boyfriend's Christmas gift and I'm so excited! We just celebrated out 3 year anniversary, and it'll be our first Christmas together. I've known for months what I wanted to get him for Christmas, and have saved up a little bit from each paycheck to be able to afford it without breaking our savings. Today, I was finally able to make the purchase, and I'm beyond excited and can't wait for it to arrive.
My boyfriend is an orphan whose parents both died when he was at a young age, and he was bounced around foster homes until the age of 17, when he left to be on his own. Last year, he lost his biological grandmother to Alzheimer's. She was the only family member that he was ever able to establish a relationship with. He does have a biological sister, but unfortunately their relationship is not good. She left him alone in a particularly abusive foster home, and has since expressed no real interest in his life--he didn't hear from her for years after she left, when she attempted to reestablish contact only to ask him for money. He tried numerous times to repair their relationship and be a constant source of support for his sister, but she didn't put any effort into keeping in touch and only reached out when she needed something. After so long of only hearing from her a few times a year, being prodded for money each time she called and guilted when he couldn't or didn't want to provide it, he cut her out of his life completely, and it's definitely been a positive step for him.
All of that being said, having to cut off contact with the only biological family he has definitely takes a toll on him. He doesn't really like to talk about anything having to do with his past or his childhood a lot, but on a day where he was feeling particularly low, he expressed interest in wanting to know more about his family, and wished that he could somehow reach out to any living family members he doesn't know about. I decided I'd buy him two DNA kits for Christmas, one that will give him an extremely in-depth analysis of his ancestry following both his maternal and paternal lines, and the other with an intuitive family finder and an extensive database with features to help make connections easier and more likely. Even if he doesn't manage to find any links to family members that he doesn't know about, I hope that learning more about his ancestry and his family history will help make him feel less disconnected from his biological family.
The kits arrive in a week, we'll send in his swabs, and hopefully receive the results by Christmas! I've always been really big into giving gifts, and though this isn't the most expensive or most spectacular gift I've ever given him, I've never been more excited to give him something. It has the possibility of providing him some kind of closure when it comes to knowing nothing about his biological family, and the chance to actually connect with family members he never even knew he had.
I'm too excited not to tell someone, and none of my friends would really share in my enthusiasm, so I had to make a post (:
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self.offmychest
|
When you have a whole day in front of you ... [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
I don't think anyone cares enough for me to even bother writing a suicide note
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self.depression
|
Should I go in-patient? I don't want to carry on like this anymore but anytime I might try to do something the fear comes to me, the fear of the pain and whatever else there is. I'm a wuss when it comes to pain and that might have been the one thing keeping me alive at this point. I've been looking at a bottle of advil and mirtazapine and researching overdose symptoms on those and I just can't. I want to end this all so badly but something keeps stopping me. But I always come back to where I am again. My copay on in-patient stay would equate to about $500 and I would have to have my parents pay for it. Not to mention too, I feel so much shame when I tell people how I feel. I feel weak and that makes me afraid to do this. I'm sick of the restless nights, the nights of wanting to end myself, the days of always seeing gray in a world I once saw in color. But there are so many fears and things in my way it seems
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Don't know how to stay honest with people who want to help. I do not know to start this. I'm a 28 year old male who has been depressed since I was a teenager. The past couple months I've been considering suicide as an option, I'm just don't feel strong enough to be able to change my life. I'm jobless and skilless and haven't had a job for over 8 years. I have pretty bad anxiety with people and driving, so I don't interact with people if I don't have to and too afraid to drive.
I know there are people who love me in my life but I feel like I am unable to love someone when I cannot even love myself. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is the chance of failure at suicide. If I was given a sure method I would most likely do it. I've never self-harmed, done drugs and almost never drank alcohol because I don't want even more pain and problems in my life.
In October I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts for 3 days I lied about my feelings just so I could leave but I still have suicidal thoughts. The beginning of December I was hospitalized again when I broke down in my therapists office and she suggested I should be hospitalized again and was in there for 9 days, the same thing happened I just lied about my feelings again because I just didn't want to be there anymore. While I was in the hospital they suggested I try ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) for depression, which seems like a big step from trying a few medicines to that. Right now I'm on prozac and abilify, I've only tried a few other medicines besides prozac.
I don't know what to do to keep myself honest with others who are trying to help me, I know it just hurts me in the long run but I ran out of fucks to give.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm ready. No more pain. No more stalling. I love you. Goodbye.
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self.depression
|
I don't know if I'll ever do it but the mere thought of suicide is reassuring Does anyone else feel like this? Even if I never kill myself, the idea that I could and that I could end all this is very comforting. I only have to endure as much as I choose to.
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self.depression
|
Mania/psychosis delusion When I was in mania/psychosis everything appeared to be a simulation or a video game. I was in a hospital in the middle of the city during the winter so when I looked out the window everything seemed very dark and apocalyptic. It’s hard to explain but it was sort of like I was in the movie “The Matrix”.
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self.bipolar
|
I had to hurt my father the other day and it has been coming for about 2-3 years now. Recently, my father and I had A bit of A falling out with me initiating the bomb drop.
My father has this habit of displaying disproportionate weakness and it evokes so many angry and frustrated emotions in me.
The conversation went something like this:
He got my older sister A fishing rod (she probably won't use it. . .) she had been pestering him to get it for her for weeks now.
He got it for her, and she does not appreciate it at all, he knows this, he expresses his frustration with her in that regard.
He knows this, and I ask him : "Why did you get it for her? You know what's going to happen."
He says maybe you're right.
I press: "If I'm right then why do you keep doing this to yourself???"
So then he raises his voice in an attempt to lock me out, "I KNOW." he usually does this. Raises his voice and yells in A complaining tone to deflect something when it hurts his ego.
Then I raise my voice, and begin : "If you know then why do you keep doing this to yourself!? Its NOT okay!" So now he is moping : "Awww maaan~ Noooo stop thiiiiis."
I am secretly going berserk in 76 different ways. When he displays this level of weakness, I internalize violence and hate and rage that I am not particularly fond of. I then say: "why are you so fucking fragile?!"
He repeats his mope/moaning and I just say: "You know something? I can't fucking do this, I'm done."
You know how Morty was angry at Jerry for being so weak about the divorce? Or just being weak in general? That's my dad. . . .A Jerry.
I hang up, and texted him: "Don't fucking call me for awhile."
I outgrew my father emotionally A long time ago, but I still have spiritual needs. . . .
I have A spiritual need that can never be fulfilled. I never had A strong male figure in my life, so cartoons, anime, movies, superheroes? They kind of filled that role growing up. Needless to say, my childhood with him wasn't as bad as most people's, but it wasn't exactly glamorous.
I never had A strong male figure in my life, and knowing full well that my father was weak and I am now effectively his therapist? I managed to go for about 2-3 years, but I broke.
It's the same SHIT over and over again.
I give My daughter money, but she yells at me and curses at me. I give one of my sons money but he treats me like shit.
I hate them so much for what they are doing to him.
But I also hate him for letting it happen and being so fucking weak.
He's always been this way. He's stuck in the past and creates problems in his mind, or perpetuates problems and doesn't solve them.
Two major moments of my teenage years stick out with him.
One. ) He got drunk and went on A rant about how my mother is treating him, then he begged me not to end up gay or broke or whatever, it was A crying rant, it made me uncomfortable and was A bit disgusting.
Two.) When my grandma on my moms side died, my mother REALLY did not want to deal with him. My dad is hard to deal with, so she essentially told him to bugger off. He got onto A couch and started moping with this pathetic look on his face and kept repeating: "What did I doooo...?"
Making it about him. "Dad grandma just died, mom is sad she's in grief right now, can't you see that?!"
"What did I do??!?. . . ."
It's DRAINING.
Holy SHIT, I know strong men also cry but this is just disturbing! It's infuriating, it. . . It made me realize I'm not so different from him and it freaked me the hell out.
For A moment I thought of destiny, how I have been unhappy since I was A child, A teen and even now I don't have this thing called happiness I'm looking for. Sure I have moments of joy, but the sadness takes up A good 60%.
I went to my friends house and talked about my girl troubles, my weak father and the fact that so many of my friends had turned on me and betrayed me. I told him that I might not survive this, I might actually just kill myself in the end. The idea that being like him as my final destination was my fate, and all of this unhappiness? This is no way to live. . . .
I broke down and cried and he just hugged me. I went to the place that I thought of ending my own life at. I kept musing how easy it would be to just throw myself off, but I didn't do it.
My old man has been through a lot. He buried his first wife. His company failed because of it. 4/6 of his children hate him, and I'm becoming the fifth. 3/6 of his children use him mercilessly. 1/6 of us tolerates him but doesn't talk to him much because of his behavior.
I thought that this old man's been through a lot. That if I just kept that in my head that if I was as compassionate as he was during moments of my childhood? It would be okay.
But it wasn't.
The anger, the hate, the disdain, it just kept building and building and I slowly began to hate him.
Today it finally broke and he probably doesn't even know why.
Have I tried talking to him about it? Yes, he won't hear it, he shouts you out or hangs up on you if its too much for him, and apparently my talks bring him "comfort" because he feels people at his church pick at him , 4 of his children pick at him, and he doesn't want his son picking at him too.
But let me tell you something about him being "picked" at. . . .When I was A teen, he drove me around sometimes in Montclair. I noticed how jerky his arms and hands were around the wheel, how I had A more efficient route than the one he was taken which he shut down with: "How many years have I been living on this earth?" He would often see people driving too close to his car and honk his horn and say: "Did you see that?!"
I didn't really see it. . .I was confused and A bit astonished.
He told me about how A woman saw how he was having A happy relationship with his first wife and intentionally tried to "ruin" it by saying: "If you ever need someone, just call me." He thought of her as A bit of A *insert gendered slur* because this woman wanted nothing to do with him until he was getting married.
I pointed out that it was more likely that she was just looking for happiness of her own and had no desire to ruin your marriage, but wanted something just like the rest of us.
You see the pattern here, right? He internalizes what's going on and creates problems to make himself the victim.
He knew I was right and even said: "You're probably right." I didn't care about being right, I just wanted him to have peace in that moment, and he did.
But I have limits.
I . . .I can't be your therapist anymore, dad. . . . You can't go on just giving material things to your kids and hoping things get better , you have to be better to the one's that still love you and have enough self-respect not to use you well into their 50s. (My dad is in his early 70's)
I can't be A therapist to my own father, the man who insists I become A christian again, I'm never going back to Christianity or religion. Faith isn't where my strength lies and I literally resent what it has done to his mind.
I love my father very dearly. He is one of the most compassionate, giving and caring people I will ever know, and he's A good person with A good heart. . . .
and
I'm sorry I had to hurt you, dad. . . but it needed to be fucking done.
And if I had to go through things like this when I was A child to when I was A teenager? If teenage me is stronger than you, there is A fucking problem.
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self.offmychest
|
Got a 4 hour round trip saturday.. So my wifes cousin is playing volleyball saturday and its two hours there and two hours back.
I have huge anxiety on the road, let alone riding with someone else driving. Were suppose to meet at her grandmas and then leave from there.
What arebsome way to cope while on the drive?
The wife also said I didnt have to go but I wanna spend time with her and my kids when they go down there, otherwise ima be by myself at home doing nothing.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I wish I freaked out about things like I used to I know it sounds stupid but I wish I did. I wish I had a near heartattack when I say something wrong or make a fool out of myself... These days I just turn my head and keep on going...I don't care anymore. Back when I used to care is when I would focus on actually improving myself and because of that, I became a fun person by choice. Now I let myself slip further and further into depression and isolation. Maybe it's because I'm tired, maybe it's because I don't resonate with anyone anymore, all I know is I can't continue this way. I get two more big chances in life to switch things around. I have to just make a choice to be happy. The hardest part in that is knowing I ultimately have nothing.
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self.depression
|
Lost again. I finally had someone I didn't hate. In fact I loved her, and strangely enough she happened to love me back. But of course, my brain came by and ruined everything.
I had been completely honest with her since the beginning, she knew I had depression, she knew I struggled with suicide ideation, but she decided to something I find terrible. She told my parents. Of course, it didn't help. But that's not the point. The thing is, since I want to keep suicide as an option, I can't be genuinely honest with her anymore. And it's killing me. Because I had to put the mask I wear with everyone, and had dropped with her, back on. So I am controlling myself a lot when I talk to her. Which means I can't really have a discussion with her. It's only small talk, and such. The control I am exerting on myself makes unable to even be sure if I still truly love her. She gave me a reason to hate her, and I now hate her for that, for ruining the only relation I truly felt fine in.
So, what should I do? Break up, and lose the (maybe) only person I really had here? Stay with her, even though it's not a good realtionship anymore? I am so lost. I don't know what to do.
PS : Sorry for this useless post, and sorry for making you lose your time by reading it.
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self.depression
|
advice about adopting an ESA (Emotional Service animal)? I have lived with anxiety and depression almost all of my life due to a fairly shitty home life. Growing up, I always had my dogs by my side and I spent a lot of time with them, especially when I was low, and they have always helped me. I have recently started college about 200 miles away from home, so moving away from my dogs was like moving away from my best friends.
After I started school, my anxiety got really bad, to the point where I tend to feel like throwing up when I get anxious, I tremor almost all of the time, I get headaches and a slew of other fun problems. My psychologist and my psychiatrist both have recommended I get certified to adopt an ESA or an emotional support animal (obviously it will be a dog.) But I have to go through my parent's insurance to see a doctor who is capable of giving me the referral I need which is a problem in and of itself.
I am financially prepared to take on a dog, the school is very open to students with disabilities, my job is 100% on board with me getting certified.
But I just can't shake this feeling that I'm making a bad choice.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Can't tell if i'm better off with or without the medication. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Too functional, too rational My suicidal thoughts, which have been constantly present with me for the past six years, and they have lately been at the forefront of my mind, as well as increasing in intensity. Because of this, I have been building up my nerves to go through with the act.
On Sunday, I made two deep bilateral cuts on my forearms. The day after that, I did the same thing. And the day after that, I made deep cuts on my legs as well as reopening the wounds on my forearms. Yesterday, I took all that was left of my prescription meds (no one knows about this).
On Sunday and Wednesday, a friend brought me to the hospital. This friend, as well as another friend of mine, wholeheartedly believe that I should be admitted to the psych unit. Each time I spoke with a psychiatrist, the same conclusion would come up: I'm smart, insightful, functional, and rational. I get discharged every time, to my friends' chagrin.
Honestly, I don't really care that much that I get discharged. What I do feel is ashamed of having been there in the first place. After all, if the psychiatrists are so quick to pick out these supposed qualities of mine, I should be able to fix all of this and move on with life, but I can't. I feel like a failure, like I've outlived my usefulness.
That's why I'm typing this. Yesterday, I took all those pills. I knew it wouldn't be enough to kill me, but I was hoping it might have been. Maybe liver failure will catch up with me later, since that wasn't my first overdose. I'm not sure what will happen today, but I won't make any promises. I stopped doing that a long time ago.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to go back in time. I promise I'll do better this time I know what I did wrong now. I know why I did wrong now. I can fix it then. It's too late now.
|
self.depression
|
I almost ran over a family the other day This isn't really an interesting story, but I just feel like I need to get it out of me because I don't feel like I have anybody else to help me unload about it. It was night time, and I was driving home from the store and was making a right turn when it happened. I could see before the intersection that it was my green, and at the time I didn't see anybody so I just kept going. As I was turning, I suddenly saw on my peripheral vision was a family walking their dog, at the beginning of the crosswalk but to the side of my car. I did not see them at all earlier in the dark, and I forgot to check before as I was coming up for the turn. My eyes went wide but with my lack of reflex I only reacted by sort-of turning more towards the left and continuing through the turn. I didn't even fucking slow down, I don't know. It happened really fast and I am not sure what happened but somehow I did not hit them. As I passed them, I was looking to the right, straight at them and clearly saw that I was maybe a foot away from running one of them over. One of them was close enough to my car that they banged their fist on my window and spit on my car. I could see them yelling and flipping me off in the rear-view mirror after I passed them. I was freaking out really hard at the time so I just kept driving with my eyes forward and not thinking about anything. It was a complete accident, and definitely my fault for not having double checked while turning. I think I'm just over-reacting about it because I've never been in a car accident before but it just kind of got to me because I realize I could've ruined their lives if I got to the intersection a second later, and I don't think I've ever come that close to killing somebody before, and I feel extremely bad about it. I mean, I was so close to doing it. I'm so fucking dumb.
|
self.offmychest
|
Today is a terrible day. I hope tomorrow is just bad, at least then I can deal with it.
|
self.depression
|
On the verge of being academically dismissed (TW: Past suicidal thoughts) *This is gonna be a wall text and before anyone freaks out for me in the comments, right now I'm calm. Freaking too calm for how I should be in this situation.*
Last year, I came back to university after six years. I got in a prestigious law school when I was 20 and dropped out four semesters later. I've attended all the fourth semester classes, but missed all the exams weeks. On purpose. I was so... I don"t know. I felt like welcoming a disaster, any kind, that would finally put an end to my misery. I was fliriting with insanity and death. There is no other way of putting how I felt. I missed all the exams, because I didn't want to return to classes. I didn't want to finish the course which I had a full scholarship. I knew my parents wouldn't agree with my dropping out. They would force me if needed to return, after all, that was my chance. I was the first person of my whole family to go to college. It was a too eventful thing to let go like that, but I didn't have strength anymore. So I missed all the exams to fail everything and, in case one of them tried to go there to speak on my behalf for a second chance, the college wouldn't take my previous grades into consideration.
I did it and didn't tell my parents. I started to search for a job again after that, so I'd be working when the new semester started, thinking the blow would be softer on them when they learned about my drop out. I was soo wrong. Their reaction was over the top anyway.
I spent the following years working in different places, areas, positions, got promotions, until I was working in one famous law firm here and started to feel overwhelmed with the long hours that came with my then most recent *promotion* (in italic because they just changed the name of my position, gave me more work, but the payment was the same). At the time, I was living alone for the first time and living far from my job, I was basically just working and sleeping.
One day, going to work, I got out of the bus and got in one of the streets at the left instead of going ahead, as the office was at the end of the street. As I distanced myself physically from the building that day, I felt myself lighter. All the headache, the dark thoughts, the fatigue I had been feeling, even on the way there that day, felt like disappearing. My heart didn't feel like it would burst at any minute anymore. The air seemed like returning to my lungs. I walked until the main avenue of the next neighborhood, took another bus and got back home. The following day, I went to work, but instead of stopping on my work floor, I stopped at the HR floor and quit. It surprised everyone.
Then I went to work near home. I could go on foot if needed. The hours were unconventional and it requested as much time as the previous job sometimes, but I couldn't care. I felt better. Because of the unconvetional hours, I had a perfect excuse not to interact with people whenever they wanted, which gave me time to rest and get myself together whenever I needed. I'd probably still be working there had my boss not started to change my tasks (and hours) almost daily when the owner decided to broad the company's horizons. I needed to keep my routine. It is what keeps me sane.
I stopped one day and thought in everything I could do to have a job that pays me enough to live (and this only includes paying rent in a very small place, electrical power and food. I can live without internet and other contemporary needs. I lived without them when I was living alone, no problem) and that wouldn't mess with the routine settled after awhile. The best solution I found was going back to university.
Ten years after my last high school year, I took the exam necessary to enroll at colleges (I think the Americans call theirs SAT) and was accepted at the top university of my country. It was the first time I tried to enroll there, because I never thought I had what it was needed to be accepted. The 17-year-old me would freak out if I went back to tell her "Ihavebecomethis, you will be accepted at the top university ten years from now, but the coolest thing is that when you sit to do the SAT, you will be amazed by all the knowledge you retained and that you have no idea you did now".
I returned to classes the second semester of last year in a different major. I thought things were going to be easier this time. I know why I am there - different from many of my classmates (most fresh out of hs). I understand how much is at stake and all that blah blah that few of us really understand at 18. But time... time is proving me wrong.
I was fine on the first semester, then there was a fire on the building of my major and our classes and calendar became a whole mess. The university gave the chance to put that semester on hold for those who desired it. I took too long to decide and lost the deadline. I took too long because the following week to the fire messed up a lot with the routine I was settling for myself and the "classes return tomorrow"/ "classes cancelled for today because of power/water/another fre/whatever" every other day were making it difficult for me to follow my classes, what led me to a depressive spiral. I accepted that semester as lost and all the bad consequences that would follow.
We thougth the calendar would be back to normal this year's first semester. Just thought. The consecutives postponements to the beginning of the classes of my major's building took their toll on me. It was the fourth semester of law school all over again, but this time not attending classes and worse. I kept thinking of the time I was wasting waiting, the waste of getting back to obtain my education instead of continuing in the work force and many other things, related or not, to my professional future.
Last year, at the time of the mess following the fire, I was thinking of killing myself. The thing is I had a loved one who tried the same thing when I was 15 and it caused me a lot of pain and I still don't know whether I recovered from it, even though the doctors saved them. From then on, I decided I don't want to inflict this kind of pain on people that love me and I think it's this decision what refrains me most of time. But last year, I got to the point of setting a date and a way to go. The previous night of the day I'd do it, one of my best friends came to my house out of the blue and asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. How could I tell her I was thinking of killing myself the following morning? I accepted her request and decided that I'd do it on my birthday. So my family would have one single date for my birth and death and it would be one month after her wedding. Time enough not to stain her joy.
I attended her wedding and acted happier than I really was. Don't get me wrong. I was happy for her, but my mind was still suicidal. I didn't want to leave any mark of it on the recording. I didn't want her to watch her wedding tape later and see me gloomy or something like that and blame herself for not noticing. So I acted very happy. Too happy.
When my birthday came, my family was travelling as it usually falls on a holiday. I didn't want them to receive a call asking them to return because of me. So, I spent the holiday telling myself I just needed to hold on until the return of the classes. Things would get fine. I just needed to hold on. And the postponements came, the dark spiral came and I learned a new way to kill myself. After spending a whole week too close to the edge, I took all the strength I had left and went to psych hospital I heard a lot of while I was growing up. It is far from my house and just for mental disorders. I thought "I don't care if they keep me there if it means the end of this pain. I don't care if they give me so many pills I can't even remember who I am. I just want this to stop".
I was diagnosed that day by a psychiatrist. She told me she couldn't do my treatment because of the state procedures which only allow citizens to be treated at the nearest hospital to their house and only there, so she gave me a paper to start the treatment here and some anti-psychotic pills.
A week later I had my first and only appointment with the psychologist the hospital here set me up with. I entered her office full of hope, with energy to go to classes that afternoon, but the experience with her was horrible. Even though I told her I don't regret dropping out law school, she kept insisting I wanted to return to the point her assistant cut her saying "I think the law school part is well resolved for her. She doesn't want to return there", among other things like her admission of not caring to read about the psychiatrist wrote about me on the paper. I left her office crying, didn't go to university that day and spent the following two weeks holding on tightly on my private hell. I tried to be transfered to another psychologist, but the hospital said because of the street I live, I can only be treated at that hospital with **that** psychologist. Yes, mental health in my state depends on the freaking street you live. That's crazy!
I lost the semester again.
The good thing was that I had time to put myself together for this semester. Two of my classmates are my age, so I don't feel so out of place this time. I forced myself to be more outgoing than I am, what was and is still being a good experience.
This past week I pulled three all-nighters to finish the final works for two courses. I finished all of one of them on time and I'm proud of it. Not just for finishing, but for the result of some of them. I did things I didn't know I could at the beginning of this semester. The work of the other course, well, I won't be able to finisn on time. This is the last week and the deadline is on Thursday. Tomorrow I'll go the university to talk to my professor and ask him if he can grade me for the work I have done so far. I don't mind failing. I just don't want to add another zero to my collection.
The third and fourth courses have the same final work and, as far as it goes, **everybody** will fail. Seriously. But that is another story.
And my fifth and last course finish last Friday. I froze the previous day (read: nervous breakdown) and couldn't finish my paper. It is 90% done since then. The professor said the ones who didn't gave him the paper on Friday could send him later through e-mail, but until now I can finish. And the problem is not that I don't know what to write, but how to write. I spoke what is missing on my paper to one of the classmates my age and she told me I haven"t finished yet because my analysis is too deep compared to the analysis of our classmates that she read. She told me to write what is missing the way I spoke to her, but I think it will ruin my paper and I need a decent grade on this course. Why?
Remember the title of my post? Yeah. Two semesters with zero don't help anyone and at my university, if none of the three first semesters have the sum of the grades divided by the number of the courses taken that semester above three, you are academically dismissed.
I'm positive I'll get a good grade on the course I finished it all, but this one of the 90% paper is a mistery. The professor, for sure and with reason, will take points because of the delay and my situation in the other courses are not on my favor.
I accept advices on how to overcome this.
**TL;DR: 28, second ride to university, recently diagnosed, untreated, risking to be academically dismissed**
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self.bipolar
|
Anxiety has returned as a result of my relationship. Some background: I was diagnosed with anxiety in 2007 and was on several different medications until 2014. Following a move and a change in doctors I decided I wanted to take a more therapeutic approach to managing my anxiety. About 7 months ago due to a change in insurance I stopped seeing my therapist; but felt like a had a good handle on things.
Currently I am engaged to a man who I love but can also be quite difficult to be with. In fact I have mentioned to him on multiple occasions that he would benefit from talking to someone. Anyway, the point of this post is that today, for the first time in years, I had a full fledged panic attack. I've felt it coming for awhile now but now that it has finally happened it scares me. I have finally gotten myself composed and I just needed someplace to vent.
My fiance gets very angry and today he was following me around calling me a bitch, telling me I was crazy, and telling me that I was lucky he was here because he could "f*ck" any of my friends. Just typing it makes me feel a little shaky. I know that there are a few other stressful things going on in my life but this was the main reason for the panic attack. Even with me repeatedly asking him to leave me alone he continued to follow me around the house escalating the situation.
I guess this is the point where I know I should get out. It's detrimental to my mental health now. As we've been together though I have talked to everyone in my circle less. Which is why I guess I am regailed to posting on a website anonymously. I just don't know what to do and don't know if any of our mutual friends would believe me, he presents such a good front in public. I just needed a place to get it out. Thanks for listening internet.
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self.Anxiety
|
I’ve been irritable for 3 weeks and I’ve been staying up late for the last week. I’ve been taking my meds and trying to stick to my normal routine but I just can’t go to bed at a decent time. I typically go to bed around 8/9 but lately I’ve been wide awake well past midnight. I binged watched an entire series this weekend. I know I need sleep but my body is saying screw it.
I’m also crazy irritable. Every time my boyfriend talks or touches me, I get so angry and internally fight with him. I know he’s trying to be supportive because he knows my mood has shifted but it’s taking everything in me to not fight with him.
I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow to see if my meds need to be adjusted but I just needed to vent. I’ve never been irritable for this long. I had a brief hour or so of happiness and joy but it quickly went back to extreme irritability. Hopefully something changes soon.
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self.bipolar
|
I need a job but I just can't handle it. I don't know how I'm going to get by in life. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Fear of work, life kind of falling apart after starting a new job Hey everyone, let me first start off by saying that throughout out my life, anxiety is something that I was pretty unfamiliar with and struggled to understand in others. Sure I had plenty of moments of anxiety but never was it a part of me. But now I feel like it is.
the biggest thing is work. I just got a new job. It's Starbucks. I've been here for a month now. It's not a hard job in its duties and I have plenty of experience working with coffee and dealing quickly with long lines. Either way I'm still a new employee and learning. The problem is how I am being treated by the other employees, supervisors, and main manager. I wouldn't say I'm yelled at, but voices are raised at me constantly for very minor mistakes. I'm hard on myself and I honestly cannot blame myself for these tiny mistakes. I was called an idiot by my boss today, yelled at indirectly by a shift supervisor (he yelled in the back room and I overheard), multiple people raised their voices at me. Mistakes like getting a couple of ice cubes for someone's hot coffee because they asked me for it. I don't think it's a mistake necessarily but it gets in someone's way if they need to scoop ice for a drink. I feel a little too harshly punished for very small things like this. It gets hard because the more I get voices raised at me, the more flustered I get more mistakes happen. Then I start trying to hold back tears while customers are giving me their orders. Everything I do now feels like a mistake and I now don't ask anybody for help even when I really need it. I'm scared.
If I get caught doing nothing at work for a brief second, maybe just to catch my breath after a big rush or to just look around at what else there is to do, someone immediately notices, snaps their fingers multiple times and says something like "cmon hurry up you can't just stand there, go do something". I may be running low on cash in the register and this freaks me out because that means I have to tell my supervisor that I need more cash for change. It's never fun asking something from the supervisors because they tend to get very visibly upset when I ask for something. Maybe I'm super unaware of how annoying I am or how incompetent I am as a worker. But I doubt this is the case.
Sometimes a supervisor or employee will stare at me while I am doing something. Just stare kind of aggressively. I don't know why but I get very scared during these times. I'm just constantly scared when there's nothing to be scared of. Nobody is going to hurt me, they are just trying to be efficient. Even just thinking about this, I don't get why this is a big deal. I'm told it's a part of life to get some thicker skin, deal with shit at work because I have to. But do I have to? Tell me there is some fun to be had in the workplace. All the employees who have been there for over a year or several years get along and have a great time. But us new employees all visibly look scared, and it's not because the work is hard.
For the past month, I haven't been eating much at all. Ive been in bed for the vast majority of free time I've had. I've had a consistent significant lack of sleep. I'm scared to sleep because the next day means I am closer to going to work. If someone invites me out somewhere, the very last thing I want to do is go out. I'm more scared of people then I have ever been in my life. This is very out of the ordinary, I've never had trouble doing fun things, I have enjoyed company with friends my entire life, the things I love most are out of my hands now and I don't know why, I don't think it's my workplace's fault but this started right when I started working at this place. Let me stress that I do not blame anybody at my workplace. They are humans too and I know they don't understand the impact they have on me because how could they? I haven't told them. But I also believe that nobody in my life (in my vicinity like friends, family, or coworkers) could ever understand this.
That's why I ranted here. I don't know what to do. I need help. I am poor. It's not like I can quit tomorrow and be chill while I search for another job.
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self.Anxiety
|
Feeling depressed vs feeling numb I have major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and either bipolar or borderline personality (my doctors can’t make up their minds on this one). I take a slew of medications including one called Rexulti to give my antidepressant Prozac a boost. When I take Rexulti, I feel numb inside...no happiness or sadness...just nothing. I called my doctor about it at my husband’s insistence and was told to stop taking it. I did and felt extremely depressed again (even with the Prozac). I’m tempted to go back on Rexulti because part of me would rather feel nothing than feel depressed and anxious.
Which would you rather feel? Just curious.
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self.depression
|
Six months happy, I'm slipping back into the quagmire. Tried to off myself ten months ago over gay unrequited love with my bestfriend, who had cut me out his life a year or so before. Felt like absolute shit but I climbed out of it; stopped drinking, lost 50 pounds, got my dream job working in Parliament (UK). But my issues with this guy have never gone away, even as I got healthier, mentally and physically.
Now its Christmas and hearing about all my friends, who are all mutual, seeing him and his new girlfriend are killing me. Every Christmas Eve we all go to the pub 5 minutes from my house. Last night I knew he was there but couldn't go round to see him and its killed me.
I'm tempted to go NYE and see him, try and show him I'm better again and become mates again. I know it probably won't work, but its that or slipping back under the quagmire of depression, cutting myself again or swallowing pills.
Worst bit is I can see my depression on my family's faces, as they realise I'm slowly slipping back into misery, but I can't do anything about it.
No idea what to do.
|
self.depression
|
Wish I could simultaneously apologize to, and forgive, everyone I've hurt and that have hurt me Unfortunately most of those people have cut ties. Guess I'll need to work on apologizing and forgiving myself instead.
Yikes.. :/
Wish that guilt/shame didn't effect me so much. Much worse people are unhindered by it each day.
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self.depression
|
Advice? Hey, I hope this is the right place for this. I just need some help for those who have either gone through this or are older and are going through it. I’m sure it’s “one of those things everyone goes through” but I hate everything about myself and I hate living like this.
I truly believe there’s no hope, and no one that can help me. Just wanted to know if there’s any hope for improvement or is suicide the best way to escape this?
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self.depression
|
Depression Ruined Relationship Hello spicy boys
I thought I would share - I was in a relationship with a girl I very much liked, but I broke it off because, I don’t really know. The depressing thoughts and anti social behaviour I guess started to manifest not just in me and my head anymore but into my relationship.
She doesn’t know any of this. After I pushed someone away by opening up to them I stopped talking to people about my issues.
Feels bad - we aren’t getting back together. She was someone who genuinely cared about me too.
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self.depression
|
I am constantly bogged down by the feeling that I was born at the worst possible time. When I started my new job about a year and a half ago they sat me down to talk about their 401 k plan. They walked me through it and we settled for 2060 as my retirement goal. This was the first time I think I had honestly considered a time period that far ahead. The more I started thinking about it the more anxious and scared I got. I know a lot of people feel this way right now but everything feels like it's doomed to fail. Between global warming ,endless proxies wars, and global inequality there is almost no chance of me making it that far. That anexity eventually turned to anger . The anger that by pure luck I was born at a time where things are on the edge of collapse due to forces set in motion before I could even walk.At this point I find myself wishing every day I was born a baby boomer and got the chance to live a full life before all this happened. I realize the past had it's issues but these just feel so unsolvable and so much worse. Maybe I am being entitled or am just I'll informed but this anexity and anger is causing me sometimes paralizing amounts of stress. Has anyone here experienced similar feeling s?
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self.offmychest
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Does anybody else is actually afraid that they won't be helped? I've been analysing my anxiety a lot, and one of the interesting discoveries that I've made is that the fear can be summarized as "you will fuck up, people will be mad at you, and no one will help you". This is a paralysing mix of helplessness and loneliness. Suffice to say, I've actually had episodes in my life when I fucked up or people became really mad with me, and there was no one to speak to or "seek protection" from.
Does anybody else feel that way?
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self.Anxiety
|
Random Shitty Sunday Thoughts Does anyone ever feel like you’re just drowning in waves of depression? You’re taking on water each time the wave goes over your head but you’re not dead. I feel like some days, I’m doing okay and I talk to people and live my life. But at some random points throughout the week, there are surges of pure sadness. Even if it’s something minute that triggers it, you suddenly feel hopeless and everything starts caving in. I start feeling shitty about my life and shitty that people have it worse. I start to sabotage myself and I later regret it when I’m sane. Sometimes, even when I’m “normal” I want to kill myself, but there’s always this muscle that keeps me from veering off the road randomly one day. I’m too scared of the pain to try something slow and I don’t know where/how to get a gun without my parents freaking out. I just want the waves to stop so I can die already and people don’t have to bother trying to keep me alive.
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self.depression
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Not allowed to feel bad? I feel like I'm not allowed to feel bad. I'm an unimportant piece of shit and there are so many other people that need help and all the other people are a lot more important than me. I'm not considered as a person, I'm just something to use to pull yourself up. It's like I'm stuck in a swamp and all the people step on me and push me deeper down just to get out themselves. I guess I don't deserve to feel good. Noone will care if I will kill myself. They'll just use another person.
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self.depression
|
Extreme Difficulty Swallowing? Does anyone get this as a symptom of anxiety? I have had to mush all my food, and even that I have to chew before Swallowing!
Everything feels like it's stuck in my throat, even water...
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else look back at conversations just to see all of the sent and unanswered messages [deleted]
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self.depression
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Sex I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable having sex again. I wasn't always this way... I was pretty active until my mid 20s. Had an ex I was 100% comfortable and open with but when that relationship ended the thought of sex/having sex/being intimate changed. I have Tried since then but it's just weird. I'm trying to date again now but what person will want to be with someone and never be sexual
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self.offmychest
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good timing tfw the hypomania kicks in right at finals time... nice
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self.bipolar
|
When somebody's mad at you It's a rather painful feeling. You feel like you're the one to blame. You like its all your fault. You immediately believe that nobody wants to be around you so you decide to be alone. Places like bathrooms and closets become sanctuaries for you. You want to escape the yelling, arguing and the disappointment. You'll cry, feel guilty and wonder why you feel like such a waste. You might get over or probably not. When you can't get over it, it sticks in your mind and its all you think about. Since you're so anxious, you fear you might set someone off so you avoid socializing with people. Anger and anxiety are horrible mix! For me, it a long time to get passed the fact that someone was mad at me. I'm not here to preach or anything. I'm just saying if someone is mad at you, give yourself some time. We all make mistakes after all. More importantly, try not the anxiety control you and mess with your mind. Yes, its sad but don't feel discouraged. I hope this helps for any of you who like feel like this.
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self.Anxiety
|
Fuck this I've tried so hard. I can't understand. I just want to scream. I smashed my head on a wall today. I think I should do it more often, maybe then someone will realise that I just want to go and then maybe I can just be I control of one thing in my life and be happy with it. Every step fowards is 2 back. There is no beating this. I'm always going to lose against myself so what chance do I have against life? None. I'm just such a wreck. I wish I could change this
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self.depression
|
About to be 21 next week and thinking about ending it before then [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can depression impede articulacy? Obligatory I've been living with depression (BP2) and anxiety for much of my life as a young adult. It's been stronger than it ever has the past year and a half, and I've noticed many things about myself that aren't in line with who I thought I once was. One of the most significant is how I sound to myself and others. I used to actively attempt to expand my vocabulary as well as possess an ability to articulate my thoughts, but it seems these days, I'm just drawing blanks most of the time. I feel like an idiot and inferior to others.
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self.depression
|
Panicking because i think i have food poisoning, please help. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I beat myself up for wasting my time All too often I find myself falling into a cycle of scrolling down reddit, or watching dumb youtube videos one after the other. And I want to read a book or play a cool game or make some drawings I can be proud of but my mental blocks engage and I get trapped into self-criticism where I feel bad about portions of my life that I could have had more fun or met more people in instead of seeing the same shit on the same websites over and over but actively choosing to do something seems to cost so much mental energy some days.
Just wrote this to get it off my chest. I think that may be one tactic that might help me to feel better about being an active participant in my life.
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self.depression
|
I don't have a reason My life is good. I have a family who loves me, a good job, a home to live in. I should be happy. I am so ungrateful. All I want is to die. I can't stand waking up in the morning. I just got kicked out of therapy for drinking. She said I was moving in circles, not progressing. She told my psychiatrist I lied to him about drinking, so I will probably lose him too. I know I am going to kill myself, I just can't figure out how. I'm scared to do it but I need to die. I can't keep doing this. People will tell me to get help, but I tried. My therapist gave up on me. The medicine doesn't help. No one can help. I don't even think I'm depressed, I just genuinely hate being alive. Being alive is torture. I'm not strong enough.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish I wish I didn't feel like sleeping all the damn time. I wish it was easy to find meds that work for me without affecting my mood and energy levels. I wish my current meds wouldn't give my stomach a burning sensation every night when I take them. I wish I never had stomach problems, ulcers especially. I wish natural remedies worked better in the longer term for my stomach. I wish I didn't have to go back on meds for my stomach; it looks inevitable. I wish I didn't get so easily stressed out. I wish I didn't have a bald spot forming on my head; I feel unfeminine because of it. I wish I had all my teeth; I feel ashamed because of it. I wish I was already in a long-term relationship so I could already be accepted and loved. Love from my parents and my kids is not the same as the love I want from a man. I feel trapped inside my mind and body.
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self.offmychest
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Bipolar hallucinations For the record I've been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, ocd and bpd.
Occasionally I have visual hallucinations where I might see something in the corner of my eye or a shadow and do a double-take to which I see nothing. This gets worse with sleep deprivation.
I worry myself to death that I am going psychotic or it could be psychosis. I know it isn't real but I'm worried I might be going crazy.
Is this similar to Bipolar hallucinations?
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self.bipolar
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My best friend and I are diagnosed with depressive disorder. But my friend is in a much worse state than i am. I am diagnosed with depressive disorder as well as a really good friend of mine. She is in a much worse state and is at the point of committing suicide. I am the only person with who she has shared her suicidal with. She told her psychologist that she sometimes thinks about it but she is too scared to tell the full story. The other day, the last time we talked that was like a week ago, she told me that no-one understands her. That het feelings get worse everyday. That nobody sees her cries for help. That nobody congratulates her to be alive the next day. She told me that in real life not through text. When I see her walk in school I can clearly see that she is getting worse, i can see it by the look on her face, the clothes she is wearing, the way she walks. Is there anyone who has any tips for me? Because im at the point of not knowing what to do anymore and it scares me.
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self.depression
|
I don’t feel like talking to anyone ever again. Talking to people has become such a chore and I hate it. I feel fake while I do it and I’m so fucking fake. I hate everyone and wish people just avoided me. I’m so tired of this.
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self.depression
|
A Revolution in the Treatment of Depression ? — A BBC article looking at the link between depression and inflammation. You can read the article here:
* http://www.bbc.com/news/health-37166293
From the article:
>Inflammation is part of the immune system's response to danger. It is a hugely complicated process to prepare our body to fight off hostile forces.
If inflammation is too low then an infection can get out of hand. If it is too high, it causes damage.
>
>And for some reason, about one-third of depressed patients have consistently high levels of inflammation. Hayley is one of them: "I do have raised inflammation markers, I think normal is under 0.7 and mine is 40, it's coming up regularly in blood tests."
>
>There is now a patchwork quilt of evidence suggesting inflammation is more than something you simply find in some depressed patients, but is actually the cause of their disease. That the immune system can alter the workings of the brain.
Hopefully this might offer another treatment approach for those of us who mostly suffer from depression.
There is also a 30 minute BBC podcast on the subject [here](http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07pj2pw)
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self.bipolar
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Getting surgery today if for some reason i die during this more minor surgery, at least I won't be a burden to people anymore. We'll see what fate has in store for me.
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self.depression
|
Everyone is staring at me. So its a summer day. (Southern hemisphere) and its so hot today.
I decided to wear shorts and shirt. The shorts arent jeans, they are like cotton, high waisted, black and white, and its not tight or too short. My shirt is tight but not too tight and its just a normal fucking shirt.
I was at the bus stop and this girl literally dropped her iphone 7 plus on the concrete because she was staring and then I noticed some other people too.
Now on the bus i noticed some people staring.
I feel so self conscious, I hate myself and I hate this situation...
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self.offmychest
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Total fuckup My depression got so bad again that I dropped out of university. I tried talking to my teachers but they told me I just didn’t try hard enough. I tried so hard every day but my best is not enough it seems.
My mom yelled at me about how I’m throwing away my future. Everybody thinks I’m just a waste of space. Fucking up one thing to the next. All I’m good for is making others feel miserable.
Why should I even be here anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just because I made you watch dragon ball super Doesn’t mean we are going to watch the new cardcaptors and sailor moon. I don’t need you to show me trailers. I love you but love can only go so far.
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self.offmychest
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Freaking out, can't express what I feel to anyone Especially my mom. About 10 minutes ago my mom and I got into an argument. We have our own business and a small office space that is connected to our partner business. We spend long nights working on the computer and she decided that we were going to watch my 1 yro niece while we are at work. Now nobody is here, but us. While she's talking to the other business owner down the Hall I'm watching my niece, but she just woke up from a nap and has been crabby. While my mom's been out of the office for at least 45mins, my niece has been screaming at the top of her lungs. She comes back down the Hall to me and tries to take over and calm the baby down. After about 30 secconds, giving me dirty looks as to why I'm frustrated and can't collect my thoughts, and she goes back to working on her computer, leaving me to watch her. But, at the same time she wants me to work on my work she has for me, but wants to let the baby roam our small space( like 8x16). My niece doesn't want to be sat down. She wants to be held, be let on the ground, and play with everything in sight. She has to be given constant attention at all times or she'll be screaming! Every time we watch her here it's the same way. I can't exactly say to my mom that we can't watch the baby while we're at the office because she'll say its her office she'll do what she wants. She's the boss and if I cant listen to her to leave. She's been stressed the f out since we started last week, but she won't listen to anybody about slowing down. Her partner is even telling her to relax. When we're arguing I can't even think straight. I can never get my point across. Between her yelling and my freaking out(anxious), it never ends well. I don't know what to do and if I can't explain to her what's going on, how tf can I get anything done?? I'm so sick of this life, sick of the mental health issues I have, sick of not feeling like I'm doing a damn thing. About to say bye and be done with it.
Tl;dr
Work with my mom @ our own business, watching my niece there, we're all stressed out, and I can't say/do anything without her jumping down my throat and she tells me to leave. Sick of everything. Sick of living.
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self.Anxiety
|
How old are you? How long have you been fighting depression? I'm 27 and I'm depressed since 2014, but it was not serious back then, but, each year it gets worse and I never felt so tired and hopeless in all my life. This year just started, idk for how long this depression will drag me to the bottom.
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self.depression
|
Is it possible for one to be born with intrinsic self-hatred? Hello. I cannot remember a single day of my life where I can say I liked myself. I had my first wish to die when I was still a child. From my teenage years onwards I have been plagued with suicidal thoughts. They may go away for a few weeks or days but once something bad happens or when my actions have bad outcomes, they come back in full force and last longer than they were away for.
I believe I hate life because I hate myself. I have not suffered any bullying (at least not to the extent I've seen other people suffer). My parents are great and they tell me good things about myself even though I don't believe them. I think I am worthless and defective human being. I have no self esteem, and my mind is full of awful thoughts about myself; it takes an immense amount of effort to think of something positive about myself and even when I do it it feels fake and I feel pathetic. I don't even want to schedule a doctor's appointment for fear I might waste someone's time and make a fool out of myself.
I am wondering if it is possible for one to hate oneself naturally. I see many people hate themselves due to bullying or abusive parents, so this sort of self loathing makes sense because it stems from something. Not sure where mine comes from.
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self.depression
|
I'm constantly holding this door that has all the bad stuff locked away in order to function properly and I'm just tired, I really am. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I’m trans and my dad just said this that made me want to kill myself “An A is an a and a H is a H, no matter how you go and modify it, it will not be as beautiful.”
Help
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anybody else feel like they've seen and done everything before? Especially with the feeling like something bad is going to happen? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Went from feeling ok to emotionless in the space of an hour I was just sitting in class recently and I was feeling relatively ok. But literally in the space of an hour my mood just plummeted so badly that I just don't really feel anything at the moment. I am worried that my depression is going to come back as it comes and goes whenever. sometimes it stays for months but other times it stays for a few days. I mean something is wrong whenever you look at your girlfriend who you love and just have no emotion towards her in your mind whatsoever. That is the thing that kills me the most because normally I would look at my girlfriend and think the world of her. Also I told her that I thought my depression was coming back and she made an effort to make me happy, so it makes me feel even worse. My sex drive is completely gone as well and my emotions towards my family are non-existent at the minute. I just feel empty.
I don't want any advice or sympathy I just kinda wanted to get it off my chest. If you've read this far thanks for reading.
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self.depression
|
Journaling as a Tool for Self Help How many of you journal and find it helpful? I've been doing it off and on for a couple of years, usually in the morning, as I got into the habit of doing "morning pages" (three pages of longhand stream of consciousness writing first thing in the a.m.) while going through the book "The Artist's Way." I just bought a spiritual/prayer journal to write in at night, and I also bought an extra day planner to start journaling weekly goals in on Sunday nights.
Just curious is others here journal, and if you find it helpful, and how you find it helpful. I think I'm really going to like journaling weekly self-care goals on Sunday nights and then revisiting them the following Sunday night. (One of my NY's resolutions is to have a self-care night every Sunday night, and the journaling of weekly goals will be part of it).
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self.bipolar
|
Baby or no baby? I’m 28 f and I have a boyfriend who’s 37 with two kids by two different women. Life happens, obviously those relationships didn’t work out and I’m thankful because now he’s in my life. I’m just at a point though in my own life that I’m unsure if I want a child of my own. Like how the fuck am I supposed to decided this? How the hell do you know if you want a child of your own or not? I feel like I don’t. Sometimes I think maybe I’d be missing out if I don’t have one. It’s just so strange to think about and I think about it on a daily basis.
Me and my boyfriend have had a mini discussion about kids though. He is open to it one day, but I just don’t know if I am. And I feel like I’m running out of time because I don’t want to be too old chasing around a child or anything you know?
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self.offmychest
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I just drove around 40 miles looking for a place where it could easily look like an accident. If I didn’t have seatbelt on and I put in a partial text so it would seem like I was texting and driving. I don’t know. I’m so numb and I just don’t want to live.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't want to die. Really I'm going through a divorce and I have two kids. Our relationship is absolutely TOXIC. It needs to end.
Although I am fully aware that it needs to end it is tearing me apart. The thought of my wife with another man and having another man take a role in my children's lives that I should be filling is absolutely ripping me to shreds.
I am on the verge of an absolute mental breakdown and I need help. The one person that I should be able to talk to is the one that is doing this to me. I have no family, very few friends, none of which would be able to help me right now.
I've not been suicidal in the past but damn would it be easy. Every time it crosses my mind I think about my kids and what it would do to them. This thought went through my head last night and all I could think of after was "you selfish son of a bitch. Your kids don't deserve you".
I've let the most important thing in my life slip through my fingers and there is literally nothing I can do. I feel helpless and abandoned. I really need someone to fucking talk to.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Update on my “powers” Ok before I get another reccomendation from some asshole about seeing a therapist, I realize I was a bit psychotic last night- I was under a lot of stress from my dad being in the hospital, and that triggered it.
So let me explain my powers.
This clearly isn’t a delusion. If it is, it’s not a huge one because there are facts behind it. Let me explain further.
So sometimes to me, time feels like it flies by. Music sounds faster, classes speed by, you can imagine. And other times, time drips by slowly. I can focus in on things and process better and travel through dimensions (but that’s a story for another time (that ones probably a delusion though)). So my theory is, if I focus in hard enough, I can switch how fast or slow time goes by for me. And that’s NOT that irrational. If my NT friends can believe me, surely you can too.
And if you don’t, don’t shame me for not being the med-taking, stabler-than-the-rest bipolar that you all think I should be
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self.bipolar
|
If I'm trans, I will kill myself It's probably unavoidable right now. Is there any chance that I'm wrong? Did I just get caught up in confirmation bias when I started thinking that maybe I'm trans? Has anyone ever questioned and realized they aren't trans?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Random anxiety attacks I get to points where I just shut down. I don’t know what causes it but I feel detached from reality and feel like death is imminent. Today on thanksgiving I thought I was having a stoke when I got a really bad migraine. It just escalated and I couldn’t think or talk with anyone.
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self.Anxiety
|
How can I get to him when he's like that? A really good friend of mine was diagnosed with bipolar 4 years ago. We met 13 years ago. We're in our 30's.
Before his official diagnostic, I was one of his only friends and remained friends with him during the hard times. He told me many times how I saved his life or at least helped him stay on track.
During those past years. We talked about dating but we live in different cities and it's complicated.
But the idea remained. He had girlfriends throughout the years, but they all ended up messing with him some ways or another.
One girl ended up liking girls after a 2 years relationship with him. Another girl cheated on him and lied. Another, same thing. Cheated. Just a lot of bad luck.
Every time he had a break up, he'd come to me to tell me how much he hoped I lived closer so the right girl could be with him.
He always told me how I, of all the girls, understand him and his bipolarity.
Which made me save money to go be with him each time.
Last year, we talked about making it official. And while my situation wasn't the best, he knew I was working towards that goal.
I, myself, have been going through a lot with my own life. and I have been paying less attention to him. Reached out less. Dealing with depression on and off myself. I didn't wanna be a burden, being the strong one of the twos. I turned into a recluse. He knew that. He reached out, and he knew that.
But I always pursued the goal of being with him. Saving money, etc.
Today, he text me to tell me he had met someone and hoped we'd stay friends.
Each time this happened, I remained calmed and hid how I fell. Good luck with your new girl! I'd say. But boiling inside.
So today, I told him what I was feeling. I was angry, upset, I cried and things turned ugly. I told him how hurt I was that he would be with another girl when he knew I was working towards that goal.
He didn't say much.
He wished me luck. And he blocked me from everywhere. Gaming app, social media, etc. He's never done that before. Never.
After 13 years of friendship, things weren't always amazing. His bipolarity for in the way sometimes. But I never let him destroy what we had. Never. But today, he broke everything. Which isn't like him.
From a bipolar point of view, can you explain to me why he reacted the way he did?
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self.bipolar
|
Small Victory Saturday 10.14.17 What did you achieve this week? Whether it was getting out of bed or landing your dream job, share here and let's celebrate our efforts together.
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self.bipolar
|
Im beyond depressed and wish to only ask a single question and get an answer. Should I hold on to the madness and problems and keep them to myself and be loved or should I let go spill my guts and be forever shunned and hated? In the end that's what it comes down to for me. I'm on the verge of doing something I'll regret so....
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self.depression
|
I feel like I'm not good enough to have the life I'm striving for & I need help [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
i lost faith in god so now i want to die hi. i am a 19 yr old girl currently in my second year of college. i love cats and pasta. i have been living in turmoil since my sophomore year of high school. i've been self harming on and off during those years as well. last year i believed in god with everything in me and that consumed my life and i was happy. this year i went a different route and decided to explore what else there was. now i don't know what to believe. i use to feel like i was apart of something bigger than me and that i was helping humanity in some way. now i feel like a self absorbed, useless, and weak individual. i am convinced my life is basically meaningless at this point and am ready to end it any day now. anyone have any experience with losing faith and depression?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like I hold someone's trust in my hands. It feels delicate and breakable, but I'm going to do my best to keep it intact. My boyfriend has done so much to support me, and over time as I've become more comfortable I think I've started doing the same for him. I'm trying really hard and I seem to be hitting the mark. I'm fairly perceptive and picked up on his insecurities fairly early on, so I've been going off of that.
I just want him to feel good about himself, and safe with me. He's one of the most amazing people: so emotional and caring. I'm quite frankly blown away that someone like him wants someone like me.
We joke around with each other a lot but we're nice where it counts. It feels a bit like I'm holding this fragile ball in my hands and if I accidentally squeeze too hard it'll be extinguished, so, I'm going to do my best to nurture it.
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self.offmychest
|
I feel like my life is falling apart.. just venting. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I feel like I'm lying to myself. I hope I keep believing me. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I'm so pathetic my only friends don't even really exist Literally the only people I talk to are on a roleplay site. I don't know who they are, they don't know who I am, and everything is fake. They like me because of who I pretend to be.
No one really cares how *I* am or whether I'm even alive. They wouldn't know if I died anyway. They'd just figure I stopped coming online and move on with their lives.
I feel so meaningless.
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self.depression
|
Growing tired of living. Everything is just upsetting. I rarely find joy in things I used to love. Every day I wake up wishing I hadn't because the world is a place of existential dread and horror. I have plenty going for me, but none of it seems to matter.
I don't know what to do anymore to be happy. I've been to therapy, I have tried to better my life to have more things to be proud of. I've tried doing exclusively things I love to do. I've tried looking at the positive side of life.
No matter what I do, on the daily I drift off into daydreams of racking the action on a gun and blowing my brains out into a macabre abstract on the wall.
I wish I could find a way to make the noise stop.
I recognize my mental condition deteriorating and am afraid I may end up trying to die again, or at the best being pink slipped again.
What do I do?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I tried I wrote so much but I accidently backed out while I was typing. I typed all my thoughts and feelings out and now its gone. Im even more upset now. It hurts.
I tried.
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self.offmychest
|
This has been a shitty week. I hurt someone close to me and they now hate me..also things with my parents aren't any better. And, well I was at the park with my friends, I pulled my leg muscle. The pain hasn't gone away. I can't go to a hospital or doctor.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What is wrong with me I feel completely broken, I want to scream and cry as if it'll help but instead I can't, there's no point in crying no one cares. There's no reason for me to be here, I always tell myself it'll get better, there's nothing wrong with you, you're over reacting. But then why do I feel so bad, it's not even sad, it's feeling completely hollow and empty and how nothing I do will ever matter to anyone.
I'm a pathetic virgin loser, I'm fucking disgusting it's no wonder how no one can ever stand to even be near me. My life's a fucking joke and everyone's laughing. I just want it to be quiet, I just want all the shouting in my head to stop, I can't be bothered to fucking do the same repetitive shit over and over again watching everyone i care about eventually see me as the pathetic freak I am and ditch me. I'm so fucking alone, I'm so tired of everyone pretending to care when it's fucking clear they don't.
I want to tell people that I'm not okay but I know they don't care, I've already been told I'm already a downer so I hide behind jokes and plaster a stupid fake fucking smile on my face when really I can't fucking do this anymore.
There's no fucking reason why I should feel this way, there's no fucking reason. I should be happy, I should be at least complacent, but I'm fucking miserable, for the last 3 years I've been so fucking empty and every day is like a smack in the face. If there was a god then I know the only reason I exist is to be his joke.
|
self.depression
|
Goodbye This week up until Tuesday the 16th will be my last days. I have the drugs and the proper amount to overdose. This probably won't get much attention but who cares. Goodbye.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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